Quick Fire Round and Final Farewells

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No wonder most small businesses say they'd use LinkedIn Hiring Pro again. Hire right the first time Post your job for free on LinkedIn today at linkedIn. com slash quality Your summer weekends fill up fast, but Crocx has your back. Road trips, beach days, last minute getaways, whatever's on the agenda, swing by your local store and find your new goat too Try it, style it, make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. it shows off. Wock out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest crox store today Welcome to my travel podcast, Lights a Beach Every week I invite a special guest to take us on a journey together to their favourite holiday destinations and to reveal their top travel tips and tes. Journalist podcaster, screenwriter and if you listen to her fabulous new podcast out iding you'll know she's been a secret gardener for twenty years. Her new book How to Be Hopeful is out September, but let's chat about her hllyibobs first. It's Catherine Meran This is the Bar Barding call for Kather Moran. This is the Bar Barding call for Cannon Moran. Kann Cathern and Moran, he's saying'reaing together. This is the Barber Bardn call. Catherine K K Look who we've got on board It's Catlyn Moran. How are you? I am so good. I'm intent on charming this dog The dog doesn't like celebrities. So I'll be fine you Come on, My level of fame will keep you very, very safe. I was up in Scotland and she actually bit a bagpiper on the storn and I'm not testing out material for my standup or that genuinely did happen. and he was like getet off, G off like the interests. I think she might have thought it was a puppy. Well, I thought I sawoneolding a bagpipe making the bagpipe sand, I presume it was animal that was dying and he beenrought out of its misery. and I as a dog would simply go and take it in my jws and shake it till it dies. Yeah yeah. it was a squirrel Yeah, she was just being kind. A Go over the rainbow bridge, over the rainbow Bridge, bagpipes. Go towards the light. Don't Oh, I've had such a weekend. go on, tellell me, you look a little flustered. I'm flustered but then that's driving through London on a plane I went to see Harry Styles God he's got great legs. They're so smooth. I'm gonna say he's got better legs than Angela Rippen How nearar upset it? How near were you to the stage? Because I went to the Ivan Nove Awards a couple of weeks ago and I was at the table right at the front and I was like ten feet away from him. He gave a very funny speech. He was giving radio Head the lifetime achievement awward. And he gave brilliant spee where he was going, They're very important to me. I listened to radiohead as I was losing my virginity I listened to radiohead in the first five seconds as I was ling my virginity. And I laughed really loudly but empathetically and cleverly in such a way that you would hear my laugh above everybody else's and think she's got to be my friend. L I think everyone thinks that if they met Harry Sars, he would be their friend. He's super sweet. who came on chatty man and then I remember being Nick Grimhaw's Christmas parties. He always has these lovely parties. and I got a tap on the shoulder toan and it was Harry and I thought, how lovely because he is stratusarian now. He doesn't need to speak to the likes of me. but he was so sweet and he's such a and everyone was saying about the stage, but I thought it was good the way he was running around and everyone got a good view Well, I think I think he would have that because I think you are another person that everybody thinks they would be your friend when they meet you. So I think he was like you could bond over that. He would go up to you and go a bitch. But national treasure bitch. L that's built in. That's what we like. That's what we're going for. yeah. I also like Harry Sales. I think he's the biggest advert for you. You know there's all these kind of like wild conspiracy theories and propaganda on the internet at the moment that London is just falling to bits and it's a war zone and it's not safe and stuff All you need to do is look at Harry Sttyles's Instagram to realize that London is safe. He's riding around on lim'es bike, light bikes, He's swimming in men's ponds, He ran to his gig at Weembleley, he jogged there. He ran there I know that two hours. He rane that and then ran around that stay. He's super human and he sounds good. He sounded good. Well he's also he was curating the meltdown festival and he went on and sang Bridge overver Troubled waters, which any single will tell you is a really hard song to do. You go over two octaves There's a huge fifteen pace note at the end of it and he absolutely slammed it. like can't we al our funcle out for the ar? No, it just his note, notot anymore. No ds retired. So So Harry can do it all And then on Saturday, guess what? I went from Harry to Gary. When I all take that. Oh they was sake A with the big elephant. The big elephant. And you know what Everyone took the piss when they're doing pray, you know? Yeah my dad would say, I've seen milktone quicker. But when they sprin round of pray but everyone was going, goo for it, go for it. Hand the ds moveood, you know? I was so good. Who's your favourite member of Take that Well I do out R Gary Barlow. You love a bit of Barlow? I do love a bit of Barlow and he's super sweet and he got me lovely tickets and then Mark is aging like a fine wine. I saw Mark do one of the most noble things I've ever seen. So it was backstage at Glastonbury about fifteen years ago. It was a very muddy year. He'd come in a very modest and small winnnebago with a load of friends. And on the last day of the festival, if you've got one of the small winnnebagos, there's basically like a box of poo that everyone's pooed into during that festival. And he at seven o'clock in the morning went out and took out the box of the communal poo H everybody else's and went and emptied it just so nobly. I was like, Oh, you're Mo in from take that. Sly you have like, you know, there are servants. There' are minions. Yeah there are helpers, but no he emptied everyone's poo out. So nobly in the rain something In the morning. I love him even morening. gentlemen. Yeah. You're in the know. Where's Jason Orange? Because I'm obsessed with it likeike I'm with Katie Price's husband slash. can we do two? Okay, C canan we just do two hours? Oh Katie Price's ling husband. Yes, the new hairline. Where do you get the hairl? Do you reckon Not in jail, which is where he claimed he was. He was kidnapped to get a hair transplant. seems to be the piecing together of the narratives we've got. I was kidnapped by men and roughed up on the border. and then two days she comes back with new hair. It's like, What clinic is that you're going to in Turkey? I know. I didn't know they had like a salon in Broadmore or something. They forcibly give you new hair, right? What' guy in Broadmore And Yes, I was obsessed with that and I love the way listen, a lot of love for Katie Bes. I love the way she was still hustling. Yeah Do you see that Oh I'm so stressed. Where's my husband? I need my CBD oil which you can get Just just mention Katie forty for forty percent off. Oh good for you girl. It's elegant. Always get you drifted in in the middle of trauma and chaos, notot knowing where your husband is. G CP Get that Hhtag spawn, hashtag. A Do forget hashtags spon hashtag. No, I do not know where Jason orrangees is. It's like the Sasquratch is You know everyone because you know. prettyt much. But yeah, I do not know where Jason orangees is. and sadly oranges are the only fruit I don't know in the location. I literally no idea I wonder if he's had like like a face transplant and got really undercover. Yeah. Go another country, D different name, Jason Apple. Jason Jason Banana. Yeah. you to meound if you changed your surname as that' super. Yeah, yeah, that's a cry for help, isn't it? yeah? No, Well good, good on him. And John Bishop was in the box as well. watch you take that and be reminded for comic relief take that And the worst bit of casting ever, I was Mark Owen, Mark Owen. He's about the size of my leg The the worst bit of casts ever. Yeah, but they obviously saw something in you. They were like inside you, there's a markarco and tryed to gety Yeahah you can do that. Well, listen, I could literally talk about take that forever, but we gott to talk about you. we talked about holidays as well. Yes. before we talk about outsiding. Let's get on with holidays. What's your first holiday memory? So we didn't have holidays as children We were before this might come up because your dad was worried about the apocalypse. Very worried about the apocalypse. So we had so we work so to set the scene It's Wolverhampton, it's a council of the state. There are eight of us. Is the Manda centre still there in Wolverhampton? I think it is, yes. Although we've lost the biggest Argos in Europe, which used to be our big. Give them a break. I know. We've lost so much we on ease now. The two big things that we had in Wolvvere we had the biggest Argos in Europe and we have a statue that's called the Man on his Os. It's like it's a man on her horse. and we found out later, it's a statue of Prince Albert. and apparently the first time Queen Victoria came out of mourning after Prince Albert died was to unveil this very beautiful statue of him and it's such a Woolhamton story. At the moment was unveiled, the sculptor was there and he realised that he had carved the horse incorrectly. He put the hooves in a kind of anatomically incorrect position. And apparently he was so overcome with shame when he realised he'd done a wrong horse that he went away and killed himself. And that's such a Wolve story. depressed. We think we've got a big moment and then it's like, Oh no, I've done the hor wrong. I'verawn it like a child. I've done a wrong horse So that's those there are two big landmarks and we lost one, we lost the ars, but we still got the man on his horse. Well, I'm from Northampton and we fell out with Milton Keynes because they got the big IKA. Oh That's a body blow right? You can forive, but we can't forget And that's why we have the rivalry with Milt and Kenes. local meatballs for you You' got to travel for those. got across the them one to fucky milk . we're Mor Vounton and in nineteen eighty six, my parents were hippies and my father used to be in a band. They're like proper alternative people. They decidideed they're going to teach us all at home. We're not going to go to school anymore. So we're all home educated. Theoretically, that would mean that we should be having lessons but we have A absolutely zero lessons We we just sit and watch Telly for like five years eating cheese We all pought about five stone We're all word perfect on every Bugs bunny Daffy Duck movie ever made, kind of like we' just watching the big musicals of the time. kind that's what we do. And then my mum borrows some money from my grandma and they buy a caravan in the mountains in Wales And it's not you know you get these luxury caravans now that are kind like huge and they got know like jacuzi and all this kind of stuff. This was just a tin. It didn't even have a toilet. And it was on a car park in the mountains in Wales and we would be there from March until October every year. So that theoretically was our holiday every year. but it was more of a migration. we would simply live there. And the reason that we had that caravan is my father was very convinced that sometime soon the Russians would drop the bomb And that we would certainly have to survive and start civilization from scratch again in a caravan in whales. So So there was a fraght edge. there was a survival tact relaxing holiday It wasn't relaxing now. It So yeah, so there'd be eight kids on on this council state. And my dad would do things drive to like beutiful.' a beautiful beach called innlus that's owned by the National Tust and it's just a huge esture and it's amazing place for wading birds and you see whales there st it' abolutely beautiful But our dad wouldal when the tide went out, we'd walk right at the very edge of the sand bar at the very edge that s the tide goes out about five miles. We'd stand at this sand bar at the very edge of it and he'd go You know, there are places in the world where the tide comes back in so quickly that it would outrun a galloping horse. and if the tide turned here now, you'd all be dead You don't just be dead. So let's run and then we don't have to practice running back to Dryveand as quickly as we could. So it was more of a sort of SAS arere you tough enough v rather than like going to Marbeayet, which I believe other people probably do at the time. Yeah Have you ever had one of those slaggy holidays though? Have you ever gone away with the girls? and o no, I forgot to about my morals. Oh Well most of my girlfriends are nerds, so the newsest we got to that is I went to Cornwall with National Treasure Lauren Navererne and my friend Sadally Hghes is a journist and the children's author Nadia Serene. And for some reason, the one big thing we did on this holiday in Cornwall was we visited a salt factory. and we walked around and we tasted different samples of salt. and the guy who ran it was very passionate about salt, and he was like, You'll be able to taste the difference between. This salt is a sweeter salt This salt is like a more savory salt. You'll get more of a kind of allium edge to this. and we've just eating this salt I'll just taste the salt. I I'm very thirsty. So dry. My mouth is so dry. We're in a cab for two hours on the way back. my mouth is so dry Ive eaten a pound of salt. It was not a meal at all. So what's the gift shop, then? is it just salt? It's salt. Yeah, salt, differentere kinds of salt. Salt in a bag for a bath, salt in a grinder for your table.t in a pencil, maybe one of those Yeah. just like ye yeah, holiday salt, work salt, J just salt salt salt. Oh my that reminds me at the Gyin Museum in Plymouth. Wow, that's a good gift shop Go on yeah, you really don't remember leaving that k weren't a slag in the salt shop then. No, I went to Magaloof once by accident because there was there was a literary festival there, and which was weird in itself. I was just like, I'll go to theit f Festal of Magalaoof and did when they talked about how called feminism for three hours, and then walked around Magaloof at three o'clock in the morning going, Oh, this is what I should have been doing when I was younger. I understand. okay. I did we did miss out on a vital part of British culture The great thing about going to a place like that is the kind of t shirts that they sell, so they'll have things like you know, I love Pussy And if a man wears it, obviously it's a sexist misogynist sort of objective fine piece of t sht but when womans wearing it, sudden it's a really big sort. How exactly this? Yeah So I went around and bought all of the misogynists t shirts and all my friends have now got, I love pussy t shirts. When I went to America, went to this place Or was it up near Orland or? Was it Daytona Beach Ande and my brother went in and I've got all that MAa stuff and I was I just had to buy like course a hat and then I've got ADHD, a damn hard dick And I was notuck Me and my B were piss us and we had it over then we were looking at the backank going hell look becausecause people just genuinely think ADHD is having a damn our dick. Similarly, I bought a t shirt that said, I'm into BDSN. Beautiful dog smiling at me And it's just covered in pictures of Labradors. it's just like, Yeahah, I' into BDSN. Beautiful dogs smiling at me. That's one of my favorite t shirts Tell us a country that you've been surprised at. It can be a negative surprise, it can be An uplifting surprise. Well, Japan is like like I think Japan is one of those places that when you go to it, you just bore people about it afterwards. You're like, please allow me to show you all my pictures of Japan. Please allow me to bore you with the tasteful elegant historical holiday that I've been on. We went to Japan with the kids And that was amazing. We went with an amazing travel company and they took us through a tour of history of Japan. So we started off in a medieval village in houses that were made of with paper walls, with the sliding doors, next do a waterfall in the middle of nowhere. And then two days later they took us to a city from the seventeenth century that was all made of wood with these little canals with fish in it. It's so alive and so abundant And then you'd go into these inns and on the table in the middle of it, they'd have a like a little bonfight basically and they'd bring fish out on sticks and you'd cook the fish over the bonfire in the middle of the table. Oh wow. And it all just feels like you're in another it's quite like sort of star Warsy. It's like I've gone to like a planet on the edge of the universe. Soee, would you say to people? because I've been there, it was such a short visit and I really didn't do half the things I wanted to do Tokyo because it got so bombed, you really need to go out, don't you, if you want to see old history Yes. There's a couple of old temples there as well, which are amazing and that's very And I love the Sinto Buddhism ethic. It's about because you see you know there's those big famous red arches everywhere and this sort of a big thing in Japanese architecture. and I didn't know what they were. And the idea of them is really simple and beautiful. It's that when you stand on the other side of the arch and look through it It just frames a view that's particularly beautiful And that's the whole point of that religion. It's about it's like, have a look at this beautiful thing.ike that's the religion, that's the practice. And suenly if you see a tree that's like a ribbon or a piece of rope tied around it, it's just like, that's a very beautiful tree. Why not stand here for a moment and appreciate how beautiful this tree is? And I was like, that's such a different ethic to our country, whereere if we've got something beautiful, we tend to like knock it down. rubbish around it. I wantan to put a ribbon around Harry sttyles We should. A big red O of his legs. Yes stopping at. You see, I'm at that age I was fifty and I can't I'm realizing now I can't say shit like this because I'm just a creepy old man now. Well,'s that's one of the other really Thanks for things. Thanks for denying it. No, no, no. You just carried on. Ands well And saying something to comfort you as someone who is fifty one, I simply cannot tell if someone is beautiful or just young. L all beautiful people look, the all young people just look beautiful. Yeah. It's just like my go. And you talk to their friends, No, she's the ugly one. You like, no, but her skin grows. She's the ugly. And also crack. That's me ugly friend Yeah. kind of like it's just youth is beautiful. You you realize that when you get older and you realize that all the time you spent for the insecure when you were young, you know, everything that everyone said, you appreciate it. while you're young, you're really beautiful they were really right I look back and I go I weren't that bad. No. I weren't that bad. No. I mean, I I was very British wasn't You could do better than not that bad. Like you were beautiful. You would have been beautiful because you would have been young. We were all beautiful when we were young. I have someone in Japan put around The frame aroundange next was it?l ellasticated ribbon ribb waist I' wear an urban outfit as Zer don just have to come out Oh too young. Oh nooo young. No, and they're inventing new kinds of clothes like things that've just got like one arm. Oh kind of like yeah. It could be a skirt or a scarf or something I don't understand the functionality of this item. I need I using structure. off about you because they can wear those fleeces and they look cool. Yeah, they look like a paedophile. Yeahep. It's true. Well we have to become elegant to I, shall we? or like kind of sassy and outrageous. Those are our two options You either go jolly Yes. And I think jolly is underrated as a dressing thing when my daughters were teenage. rightight?? Jolly? Yeah. When my daughters were young and they'd go, do I look sexy in this? Do I look hot in this? I'd go, No. I think the two really important things for you to think about are are you comfortable and do you look jolly Do you look like you're having a nice life and are you comfortable Can you run away from a murder in this or dance in it Those are the only two criteria you need to dress by. And they for years, they were like, no, I just want to look hot, I just really want to look hot. I just really want to look deeply sexual and hot. But now they're in their twenties and they're like, yeah, I am comfortable and I am jolly. and that's all you need. Clean, comfortable and jolly. Perfect. I mean, yeah, what yeah. You might get that as a tattoo. Yeah, right. That's all you need to lookve for. So tell us about outsiding. Yes. It's a podcast I tried to look at. it's It's not out yet No I was in the car and I was thinking I could have listen to it. but So is it out? It's out on Thursday and we've got a big launch. We've got the big screen up in Inicester Square that I'll be showing our first episode with National Treasure, Bob Mortimer as our first guest which was our Did you see my last one laughing? L Linally killed me on a It's just madine. It's just product I felt so bad during that show because he would just come with the laptop and everyone would just run away. Yes. Piss off Bob. When you hri a boy when you look back he's so loveved, but I was like, No, ma'am No Go away. It was the moment where you saw any kind of show businessiz professionalism crumble because everybody else they walk in, everyone's like, Hey, hey, I haven't seen you for a while, Bob turns up and everyone's like, shh we are fucked. Literally, all the comedians are like again. I' got no game against this guy. I got no game against Bob Mortemer. I'm doomed. So he was just kind of quite isolated, often wasn't he? People like he come over to chapter to someone. they' literally stand and go, no, and walk away from him G Yeah him and Diane Mulgan Oh Oh, she's a queen, isn't she?ook got my neck my sort floinguck off fuck off prove. She's got such an icy glare, hasn't she? She's psyching you out all the time. She knows what she's doing. She's like In the war, she would have been an amazing spy. Yeah. really unlikely, admittedly an incredible spy. She's in complete control of every situation. It's amazing. So yes, he turned up at my house, which was amazing. And because he was our first guest. I'm getting more relaxed now soince we've done our fourth, but the first one, the night before I cleaned every single bottle in cupboard I went in the freezer and I cleaned out all the peas. I was like on the off chance that Bob looks in my freezer or it's in my drawers. I want him to know how honored I am that he is here and I cleaned the whole place top to bottom. yeah, basically it's a podcast about first of, it's a podcast in the modern sense in that we've got a crew of about forty five people who turn up at my house and share everything. They've got drones. The drone operator I immediately made friends with because I am obsessed with garden. That's why I'm doing the gardening podcast And for the last twenty years, I've wanted to know what my neighbor's gardens look like. P peered out the windows much as can I've been on the roof I can't see them. soon as the drone operator turned up, I was like, is' fifty quid. Can you just fly down the street and film all my neighbour's gardens and just show me the footage. I want to see what's thriving in their gardens? Can they make hostas work? If they got water features, I want to know. What did you say?, he wouldn't do it. It was like, ha't got hostas for that, I suppose. It lets me look at me seeee f that out the window No tell me everything. You off course you can't do her because effly it's wrong, Yeah idea Obviously I'm saying that on air. Of course he did take my money and I have seen them all, but we're pretending that I didn't. Yes, of course one hundred percent. So yeah, I've been obsessed with gardening last twenty documentary where the woman had the drone and then the man was burying the wife. Have you seen that? Really? Yeah. And so I know were condone don't, you know, misuse drones, but if this woman hadn't sent the drone over and sow the grave being dug. Sometimes it's useful, right? Right? Were this like, what' he Angela Lansby? and what was he old Jessica Fle? Yeah, She was like, Where's the whereere's the wife? And then the things' pinging over and she kept seeing There's a public interest. Okay, when the Draone operator turns up next time, I'll be like, there's a public interest. We just need to solve problem Jason or That might be in one of these gardens, please check your shes. Yes. Like when a cat gets lost.. Pictures of Jason Orange all down the street. Have you seen Orange? He is friendly. Tempt to him man with nibbles and dreamies. Yes. So yees I've been obsessed gardening for twenty years so and they ask me if I want to do a podcast. The idea is that every week it's kind of like basically the after show for gardening. L you've got gardening shows on TV and they just show you how to do stuff But this is like the afters showow where you gossip about the garden. You're kind of like, you know what have you killed? What are you Because on a garden show, no one talks about what they kill. No,, no one talks about the failures.. No one talks about the sort of deep spiritual thing you often have in a garden where I cut down a clematus in February that was huge but needed to be taken down and I soobbed while I was doing it. I was I'm so sorry, mate. L you've been growing, you've just been doing what you're supposed to do whoo am I to cut you down? Who am I to do this? I'm so sorry So it's all that kind of deep stuff that if you were these. Yeah, if you're a garden nut, you need to have other people who can go, yeah, I know what you mean rather than as you are looking quite scared. Yeah. Well you've got a gardener. We saw your gardener. He had to let us in. I know. We got to Alan's house early and there was a gardener outside. was jging the outdoors. He had to let us in. It's so funny would becausecause you go, Oh, Alan, look at you're your gardener How small is the gun? You're telling me I can't go out there. Right. It's basically two hanging baskets and the size of that coffee table, I'm so shit. Yeah. Someone still has to come round Well, I don't know how they work, plants. He was sweeping your front doorstep very beautifully and that's an imp he needs more work just wasas he looked like he was working hard? did Yeah, he was picking up some really big parts and I was like, whatatch your lower back? And then he very haughtyly told me that he does a lot of yoga and I shouldn't be concerned for his lower back. ye. and I had to explain to him I was just projecting over my issues with my lower back. So he's got quite a surly attitude as well as I think shy. No capable No capable. He was letting me know he could do the job. Joking. And I needed to report back to you that he was very good at hisobver I oncepted I right are so Now, he spoke of you with love in his eyes was swes. So yeah, so so this is the kind of conversation that we have with our guests, just kind of like, you know, do you have a gardener? wouldould you keep it a secret from your friends? What do you kill? Like kind of what are you passionate about? Have you gotten to the point where I remember reading when I first started getting into gardening that when you get into gardening, at first you're into flowers Then you get into leaves, you go a level deeper, you get intoort of how beautiful the leaves are. and then you get into the underside of leaves, like you get really kind of almost kinky with it. But then there's a deeper level to that where you start getting into soil and worms. You start saying to people, how many worms have you got? What's your biome like? Do you make your own compost? Is it like black gold? Is it Viable? Can you hold it in your hands and sniff it and smell the earth? So the flower' bits like the internet But you go sort of dark webby. Yes, Dark Web. Yes. And it is a web because there's the microcllic Web, which is a microclic webb. Tell me about it. That unites everything. know. who doesn't know that 'cause I know you like to look at people's bookshelves. Oh yes. yeah. What are you getting from my? Well, I I't say psychopath. No, first of all, you've got half of everything you've got here, I've got. so I've just finished reading the Richard Burton diaries for the second time so I'moub sad is it at the end pissed? D.. Yeah, so sad. I really, But did you not think by the end I've reading my own diary The Allan Carr Diaries pissed. What about Rex Harrison's wife? She's alive wire. You know when they say, Oh would you have a dinner party? You'd have to have her. Oh so so every other entry in the Richard Burton diies is Rex Harrison's wife, C't Rames turns up again. Rach was someone, Rachel's. She's lying on the floor with her vagina revealed to the entire yacht At some point like, isn't the some emperor comes over a king and he's just kind of like Someone really famous comes over and is just like, it was invent. he goes, Oh fucking hell, Liz has invited Rexon, that awful drunk woman over again. I mean for him tor from to all are drunk, right? And then I'm like, Oh can't turn in the page to see the next day entry. Oh, she took all her clothes off and wanked off a Basset hound. She literally does itust do something really wrong with the dog You're not even making it up. No ranked off a basin. Oh look, It's alright, George. It's not It happen to you. You're fine. No they are amazing d dogs. By the end of it, you do feel you are friends with Richard Burton and you're so sad he dies. And it's also the madness of Taylor and Burton's life is incredible. So the reason that I'm reading it is that I'm adapting Elizabeth Taylor's lifeife for screen, which is Oh my Godd. reotic? Yes. Oh my god, that's such a good yes Sh. p any tax I know, but they have a massive fucking diamond. Well, of course, exactly. By doars every day Iven'tad it y.. Around the world in eighty trees. It is so interesting. and that someone got it to me. I just you haven't read it I have just the spine is not cracked. you just absorb that by osmosis, did you? Yeah You're careful reader, o. You take more care of your books than I do. Mine's swollen from the bathide already. Isven't even open I But look he's absolute cool. Jonnathan Drawy around the world in eighty trees. but I like reading but I don't actually like getting my fingers dirty and stuff. but this one You get female figs and male figs and then they shug each other. And you didn't know this, did you? And they will grow in any conditions. So like if you've just got a terrible bit of soil, if you want to stick a tree in, stick a fig in there. Trees, once you start getting them, so the oak treesob when Bob Morta came on, we asked one of our questions is, what's your favorite tree People get nerdy about that. He loves the oak And the oak is amazing. So the whole reason that Britain is the country that it is is all down to the fact that we grow the biggest oaks in the world because of our climate, which allowed us to A, use the wood from the oak trees to make our boats, which meant that we were the ones that had the first most dominant navy and then went off and conquered the world and got our empire. Also on the oak there's a wasp that lays its eggs on there in these things called wasp gouls, which is like these little brown like kind of little balls on the tree that are like a parasitic kind of nest. And if you crush those, they make ink And that is how Shakespeare made the ink to write all of his sonnets and plays. So within the oak tree you have the wood that built the empire because of our trees and the ink that made us the culturally sort of soft power that we are today, all from one tree Oh my God, that's fascinating. Isn't it that I on you start getting into it? you start realizing because we are, you know so much of what we are as any country is what our countryside is. And I often think when people are talking about patriotism, like you know, you know, who's allowed to be in this country and what are we as a country and what is our future and how do we feel about the empire and stuff? I think the only kind of non problematic patriotism that you can have about your country and I do love this country is about our countryside. Like that's not problematic. Like I of like, you know, you're excluding anyone from that. It' We live in a very beautiful country. We have so many different kinds of geology, so many the variants if you're an American And you drive for nine hours through most states. It just looks the same for nine hours. Yeah. Here in nine hours, you drive from Cornwall to John O' Groatz and you would just see fifty different kinds of scenery. we're a very beautiful little island. Would you were a little bit upset when that that tree in Nottingham Oh the Sycore. Yeah, the Sycmore Gap got chopped down. No, but no not that one. And one that Robin Od allegedly Is he allegedly I think he is dead. What? I don't want to If you sue me, Robin It's in the story the oak A thousand oak is dead Did we kill it or did it just kill over every? say of the hot summers. But then someone did say in the comments section, at least when it's dead it still gives, doesn't it? Well they say I'm sure you're gonna to tell me about this. Yes. Well, three hundred years to grow, three hundred years to live and three hundred years to die. And one of the things that we do wrong is when when I've had hangovers like that. Oh God I'm still on one now This weekend was ld But what we do wrong, we do loads of things wrong, and it's just that we're just too busy. one of the things I learned about garden is the less you do, the better your garden is. So like if a branch falls off a tree, particularly in theot weather, a lot of branches are falling off trees at the moment, we would usually clear that way. If you just leave it underneath the tree that it fell off, the tree will eat itself And that will feed itself. But if you clear away that branch, it can't feed itself. And also, if you leave a dead branch like aliens, aren't they trees? They are a different know, they were here before us and we only exist because of them. There's a brilliant book called the either called The undernder or the oververstory, which won the Pulit surprise, which tells the story. It's very like this. This is around the world in eightge trees. This tells the story of the last three hundred years of human history through the stories of eight trees and the people who like them the most. It's a novel, but it's absolutely incredible And it justks about and it's just talking about because we're only alive for like at tops a hundred years, our idea of what happens in that hundred years is like we're really quick. Trees are around for a thousand years. So in America, if you watch footage of a thousand years, the trees are marching slowly up towards the Arctic. They're literally migrating. They sort of send their roots underneath the ground and they're slowly popping up further and further north and retreating from the south because of global warming and if you speeded it up, it would be like in a day. all the trees just got up and marched towards the Arctic. rightight? Isn't that exciting? The trees have got and they have mother trees that will feed, they send out if any tree is attacked by insects, they will send out through the root and mycellic network underneath. They will alert all the other trees that they' being attacked by insects and suddenly the trees will produce a poison in their leaves that's very bitter that will kill out the bit in your garden. I'm just asking And do you get high on your own supply? My? And here's another thing to blow your mind, He One more for the Alien dreree taking over the world, man. My dad, as a hippie, had partaken of many things during the sixties.. And then in the nineties he got cut off from his supplies, but he'd read somewhere that if you take a Cleus plant, which is like a sort of indoor plant that you'll see everywhere if you grow them outside and crush up a certain kind of arthritis medicine and spray them with it, it will make them very potent and you'll get very, very high. So I went to his house once and he was like, right we're reaping this today. We're going to crop this. I've grown it. we're going to go for it And he cut all the leaves off the plant and then we were driving to Wales to visit the caravan and he just put them all on the back seat of the car and he was like, it'll be hot enough for them to dry out and they'll smoke up by the time we get to Wales. So drive all the way from N Wortherverampton to Wales with this back seat covered in leaves. We get there. The sun has not dried out the leaves to the consistency of tea by the time we get there But we still dutifully were all ' up and smokking around a campfire Absolutely nothing happens Any cosmonauts out there want to know if you can get high on achleus, you cannot get high on a Cleus. That is Do not go down to the garden center this weekend and that you're going to get h high. It's not going to happen Oh wow, that's great. I love that. So so this podcasts, it's You know, if you want a good gossip, good chat, want to learn something. you know it's obviously gardening is the hook, but it's just good company and good chat. with great fun So it's the sister podcast. did you know dish with Nick Grimsaw and Angela Hartn. So we're theister podcast that. So so stensibly everybody's on to talk about food, but it immediately just turns into a gossipy thing. Yeah. So with us it's people talking about So just talk people talking about their childhood gardens. As soon as someone describes their childhood garden, you understand where they grow up And then other gardens they've been to that they're jealous, like kind of what they do in the garden, how they would design a garden. And then on our second episode, we had Carrie Godlman from After Life O, who's a Darlin. But that episode was really interesting because she only has two celebrity crushes. One is Colin Furth particularly as Mr. Darcy. who she did meet once and farted in front of apparently. so that was Nixed. So her other celebrity crush that she was really putting everything onto is Adam Frost from Gardeners World, who is my co presenter on Outsiding. So Kerry turning up at my house and just on the doorstep going is he here? Am I dressed okay? L kind of like, is it going to be all right? Like Wh where is he? We like hid him in the greenhouse and he popped out and she just didn't know what to do with herself. It was amazing Me and Kerrie had the weirdest gig ever. We were playing and Portugal had beat in England and the town we were doing the gig at they burnt down the Nandos they really were pe So every time I see I go old remember the Nando's gate Why would you do that? Anyway. So just out of interest, what is your favourite garden? Well kind of g are you into rewilding? because I was thinking maybe I might rewild my front? mean I mean I mean it's very Drop a logrop drop a log. No that came out rightong. When you said you were rewilding your front, I was like, you're gonna to stop manandscaping? just just go a long far. down there fucking manandscaping. Let we streim out Well my favourite garden is When I said drop to log, I didn't mean do a shit. No, no, no, no, Drop a log and let it rot and then the insects will thrive off it and it'll be a beautiful nature haven in your front garden. That was what you meant. N st. That's So we talk about this a lot and in my new book because I went through a massive menopause induced nervous breakdown about five years ago and part of it was about how terrible the environment is. We know everything's dying. And if you sit in your own garden, you know one summer I saw one butterfly and one bird all summer And I was like, And so at that point I thought my only chance was to do what my dad had always said and buy a farm in the mountains of Wales and be self sufficient. And it got to a point where I'd literally put a deposit on a forge So I can make my own iron working tools because I was so convinced that the end of civilization would come. This is what happens when you have the menopause on Hle Anland. It's you go crackers. You buy a forge. Yes. Literally this. you're like, ye Yeahah, civilization will crumble and I That That' become one of those phrases. Yes, she's bought a forge. Yeah. She's forging.'s. She's forging she'sing She's making a rake Can we get HRT on this one now. So I told this plan to my friends after I put a deposit on this house and my friend literally peeled off her HRT patch and slapped it in my face. let's see how you feel in three weeks time And I did feel a lot more sane, but I was still really sad about the lack nature. And I was like know you spend ten years, What what the government do? The government should be doing something about it? about the government? Someone should do something about this. And then I went to the reworlding project at NP as part of my job at the timimes I'm a journalist there. And that blew my mind because everything you ever hear about the environment is getting worse. Here's another thing that's endangered. Here's another thing that's died. You go there and the story is everything's getting better every year. Yeah. So they've now got storks nesting there for the first time. Do know how I know abouties? So at least I know about Nppies because I live in Sussex. O. And it was like one of those films from the eighties like Police Academy. I'm having a glass of wine outside And I thought it was a pterodactyl f over because the shadow and I saw and I looked at my wine glass looked back like, I must start drinking like that. And the shadow, it was because you get stalks, but these things were just like a yeah, like a dinosaur. Yeah. And then I said to my friend, I said, I think I'm going crazy and he went, Well you know Nep is just aroundound the corner That's where the rewilding is. You've got stalk overspillt, That's what it's saying. Yes. Well, you're right that and I went know the beavers. if you beavers. All the trees are like pencils Like in a cartoon. Yeahiterally my friends they're amazing and they do because I thought that they told me an amazing story there, so the reason that beavers build their dams is because the only way they can escape from predators is to dive down into deep water. So they always need to be making a deep water pool, which is why they make the dams. they downstream so they can be safe from predators. During COVID, they had to take one of their beavers and put it in a barn to isolate it I' no beavers get COVD. And they left it there for the weekend. and when they came back, there'd been a dripping tap in the corner of the barn and the beaver had instinctively built a dam around this dripping tap because their instinct is, if they hear running water, it drives them mad and they have to dam it and make themselves a safe little pond. felt so sorry for that, Be I I feel like I've done jobs that are the same. J like kind of like Yeah ye just buildu a whole dam around a dripping tap But yeah, they are magable.pect these animbals. Well they are so smart. When you see a beaver's dam and like you know, you can see them online and you can go to Nep and see them, but they're massive. I thought it was going to be like the size of a rabbit hutch or something. Like it's a whole island with trees growing out of it. and like Without opposable thumbs, they're like architects that are building islands with their faces and teeth. Like so much respect to the beaver. L kind of like they are busy. I mean, you can see why busy as a beaver is. They are really busy amazing it is amazing nature stuff. So the rewilding that I learned at Net they just were like, becausecause it hadn't occurred me because I'd been going on Amazon and going, canan I buy sparrows? Can I buy butterflies on Amazon? You can't, I'll tell you now. It was when I went to Net when I came back from there, I was like, Ohh no, you can't buy nature, but you just build a nature place. And then they come. Nature will come. Yeah. if you build that place, what they need is like they just need loads of bushes they need like a little Manhattan of bushes to hide in And they need a pond and like there's certain plants that they like. And if you just do that to your garden, it turns up and I've got an average garden in North London. As I say, the year before, two butterflies and a single bird. Now I've got a list of over one hundred fifty species that I've seen in there. All the dragonflies, fat bodied chasers which are like fatter dragonflies that were prepared by Jonah Hill in a movie. All these birds including, on the best day of my life, a peregrine falcon It came down into my pond and washed its big talons in my pond Wow. Right? I'm like ten minutes away from waitro and I've got a peregrine falcon, and that's if you just make the nature place, the nature will come. Yeah. And it you know everyone goes about mental health, mental health, but it's so good for your mental health, of course. to give you ADHD. If you your ADHD, it' that you've got a lack of serotonin. Like you kind of find it harder to be happier. You need to have things that trigger serotonin. There's nothing that would trigger your sererotonin quicker than having just a bird just fly across your garden. It just goes bump, you're happy. You's just like, Ohh, that's a little present. that turned up for me. L' you know it's one of the things we talk about a lot on the podcast, justust everybody at some point goes Gardening came to me when I felt bad and it was the only thing that made me feel better. You can control a little bit of paradise, you invite all these guests in and they make you happy Yeah. M in it? Yeah. That's why we love the garden man So can we go back to this Liz Taylor thing that you're writing? Yes. That sounds pretty amazing. Is there anything you can say about it? What is it? Is it a film or It'll be for TV and it's quite conceptual. becausecause if you look at Elizabeth Taylor's life, I was getting very drunk with the producer who wanted to work with me for years. and he's the guy who does rivals, which obviously we all love Jilldy Cooper's rivals. and he was like, shouldhould we work on something? We both brought the Elizabeth Tayor book out of our bags at the same time. And I went into this huge rant going, Whenever I'm writing about women I can't find a woman who is a shorthand for being happy and successful Like of you can think of it men, Michael Palin and Daviddber, people really respected and had brilliant lives and didn't suffer like kind of and had amazing lives and stuff. But I can't think of a short and for a woman who, even though she was up against those of shit and had to deal with all these traumas, still just had a brilliant life. Yeah. Apart from Elizabeth Taylor, young women need to know about Elizabeth Taylor. Like They need to know that you can live a life that is just much simpler and more mammilian and just full of joy and just like, yeah, I'll have this. I want to do this. I want to go there. I want to do these things And she started off as the world's most beautiful woman, which most women don't cope very well with. Like if you've been the world's most beautiful woman, your life tends to end in tragedy. But she just had this incredible life, moved into more interesting movies, worked with Richard Bton, who Wh's Afraid of Virgin Wolf, prove she was an incredible actress. Then she got really fat and sad and went into rehab and the whole world was laughing at her, compleplete downside like half of Joan Rivers routine at that time was just making fat jokes about Elizabeth Taylor. She goes to rehab and when she comes out, she's like I've got so many gay male friends who've died of AIS. I'm going to do something about this. I need to I now know my purpose is to use my fame for a reason. I am going to find a way to tackle AIDS. And she puts out this perfume and uses the profits from that to fund the L Ter AIDS Foundation. Perfume then anythingything else Yeah totally. And she puts all the profits into that into finding eventually a cure for AIDS Andt that point, the Ronald Reagan government still had not acknowledged that ADid was happening in America, and because she knew Ronald Reagan from when he was in Hollywood at the same time as her. She just basically busts into the White House and goes, You've got to talk about this. People are dying. you can't have a shame about this anymore. We need to talk about this. And she just went in and bollocked the president and then raised billions of pounds, went on these marches and changed the way that we talk about AIDS forever What an incredible life, and then ends up being friends with Michael Jackson. I know, I know, madness. mad. Do you see that Mike Nichols was saying Virginia Wolf and saying a man had fallen asleep. And she was doing that speech where she burst out crying and he was snoring and the snoring was so audible she just looked up there and went don't fire him. donon't fuck ' she knew he was gonna sh. That's what she liked. She was really super sweet. But can you imagine that hearing? that man the most iconic thing it. don't fire,lease,'t. That's the other thing, people think that she was a total diva in a bitch and she took care of herself and she was salty in her language and she got things done. But she was also just a really when you read the Richard Burton diaries, he's being such a terrible man when he's drunk and she's always been so nice to him.. She was like a genuinely lovely person. So all my love for Elizabeth Taylor is going into this project. I'm just like to tell a story about a woman who went through all this stuff and survived it is amazing in the diaries where fucking Liz woke me up to say, haveave I taken my sleeping pill My favorite story in there, I think is they're on one of their many yachts and they've moored up in the Mediterranean and a French navy vessel mors up beside them in the dock. And there's about two thousand Frenchmen in there and they're having their day off and they start drinking on the deck. And when they look across and realize that Elizabeth Tayor is in the boat next to them, one by one, all the French sailors take their clothes off and jump into the Mediterranean and start swimming across to her yacht, just screaming, Liz, Liz Imagine being so hot that the French Navy starts swimming towards you Just to be near you. Like just for one day, wouldn't that be amazing? That's a super powerower to be that hard I think Katna Hottin Rofing, that's the sexiest she's ever ever been. And then then I see her, you know, when she was a little bit bloated. She looked like she was on Coke. own Studio fifty four. And I was like, well, because she's a sweater as well. And that makes me feel better because I would be just bumped there. Oh I love It' a fat sweating. One of my friends, Sally bought me the catalogue of all Lizzie's clothes that were sold a couple years ago and she went through a ten year Mu phase. So she's getting all the biggest designers in the world, like Divonchci and Dior all to just build these massive cafans for her.s like I could either lose weight or I could just simply get Dior to build me a massive cfan and I just float around looking incredible. I think it's such a that was one of my big aspirations. I love big Lues tail, which you've got the big hair and the big cf downs and the big tits. like Perfect. bigig diamonds, big pearls, big tits, big chin Yes. loveo it. Yes She's my spirit anor. Yes How to be hopeful, Caitln Moran, so this is out in September. Yes. So tell me everything. So yeah, so the aforementioned nervous breakdown with the menopause, which many women will relate to. And so yeah, I just went on a quest. It was like, the world feels so awful. All we do is talk about how awful everything is and we don't talk about the future. Doom scrolling. Doom scrolling. We're addicted to social media, the arguments, the falling out, the purity spirals And if you talk to young people particularly, they're just like, well, we don't even believe in the future. Young people are going, I'm not even going to bother having kids because everything's going to be terrible And as someone who reads a lot of history, I know that this isn't the worst time in history. L know, things were worse during the war. like you know, just like you know, in living memory, this isn't the worst time in history. but because our algorithms tell us that only show us bad news, there's that saying that you hear the axe chopping down the tree, but you can't hear the forest grow. And it's the same with our news.. If you think about news, you only hear the bad news. If someone blows up a hospital, you hear about it straight away. The same surgeon in that hospital sa fifty eight lives yesterday. you won't hear anything about it. Good news is usually slow and we haven't yet found a way to put it on our phones or on our news channels. So I just wanted this question, just wre list of things that makeaking me anxious and then just spent a year seeing if I could lead a more hopeful life I took my headphones off the train and actually listen to what people are saying. I got a litter picker and started picking up litter. I came off social media. I stopped watching national and international news and watched local news. I was just getting little you know You sending the drone over for your garden. I was listening to people's conversations. Because I'm a humanitarian. Because you're nosy. Yeah a nosy humanitarian.'re aaren you're a Karen. I would I only praise them. I need to very much clarify this. I would not be giving notes for bad gardens. I would simply be praising good gardens. Yes,. And so about ten years ago I had these cards made up. And if I saw someone walking down the street in an amazing outfit, I would hand them this card and it just said I will want you to know I appreciate your look And I wouldn't say anything I' just give them card and walk away. When you see some who's made a real effort, it's just like, let them know they look lovely. Yes. Yeah. And that was what I would be like with gardens. Just pass on a little compliment make people feel a bit better. That's my vibe. We got David Sadaras coming on in a few weeks and he loves litter picking down the road from where The chapter about litter picking starts from me going, David Sadaris does thirty five thousand steps a day and litter picks all all around Sussex. He does itound down the end of my road. Yeah. That was my inspiration for doing it. And it does make you feel so much better because you do suddenly like to rework a bad old phrase, it makes you feel like you are taking back control. L kind of like you know, you moan about everywhere being horrible. Just take a litter pick around and twenty minutes later, you've made the streets a look lovely, you feel fantastic I read a brilliant quote the other day and it says peopleople will say some lovely things about you The trouble is you've got to die first I feel Isn't that the problem? Just say these things to them now. I wrote a comment about this a couple of weeks ago I went to see Paul Simon play at the Royal Albert Hall. and like kind of and his voice is sort of like, it sounds like a candle now. like the wick is burning out. He's like he's old. He's had a couple of operations and stuff but those songs are incredible and he gave it his old And the way that people, it wasn't just watching a man on stage, everybody there in that room was thanking him. Like That's what that gig was about. L the standing ovations at the end of the recarding. And I do think we should institute a national D where we don't wait for people to die And while they're still alive, we have a day where we just go, we're going to celebrate Paul McCartney today while he's alive. Yes. we did it with David Berry after he died. George Michael. after George Michael died. I realised all that money was giving to people a really nice person. And then we were told to think he was a pervert. I know, that was I mean, that was an evil time wasn't it where being gay was always confled to being a paophile. And But soon as he died, everyone was like, Ohh he was like a know What of the wors It's bit too late now I'm afraid. Well, that's why we need to. was Paul Simon wearing little short shorts running around the stage. Little shot cocktown in front, yeah Oh you should bought a bloody ribon ramamples, Simon Legend. Yes, in a little frame. But yeah, we need to have a day where instead of like, because you have National Potato Day and stuff? No one celerates the potato on National Potato Day. Why don't we have National Paul McCartney Day? You know, while they're still alive? Let's do the obitories while people are still alive. I mean, that's one of the reasons that came off Twitter for What are youre doing for a national sandwich Day? God yeah. Your silence is violence. Speak out now! Mom, talkal to your people mom. It's not like you got to come out in your balcony like Ea Pur on. but like but we give too much because it's an attention economy We give too much attention to people who are doing bad things. Everyone knows if you do something bad, you say something nasty, you're spiteful, you're unpleasant, you will get attention. And we need to flip that and start giving attention to the people who are the best You should get Trump on your podcast and for to talk about that reflecting poll reen isn't it? Yeah, the only green initiative he's done is massive pool of slime. Doesn't it remind you of when kids are on like school holidays and they just start making slime? J like kind of like in the bath and stuff But Trump's the president of the United States of America and he's just speentndendence day making a big Bath of slime, the biggest one in America,'s horrible. It's say draining swamp and he's made a. He made a swamp. I know. I know, it's a massive metaphor, isn't it? It's a metaphor?. Yes, And you know what we haven't mentioned any holidays, but I've absolutely loveved the chat Wh you go. I had so many great holiday stories as well. I'd like thought the whole thing out. It was amazing I'll got out just quickly because your husband's Greek. Yes. Corfu, you love Cfu. love Cfu. But we didn't go on holidays for a long time. Do you Do you want a holiday anecdote service? Yeah. So for many years we didn't go on holiday at all. The only holiday we'd have was going to the Glastonbury Festival And we've always got Winnieago back ststage because we're terrible people. And one year one of the people that we work with in the Benybeago was Benedict Kumberatch And so what happens at Glastonbury stays at Glastonbury, but the two things that I noticed being at Glassbury with Benedetict comeback, which was at the height of his shherlock fame, other than him being an immaculate guest, he brought flowers to the caravan to thank me for hiring the van. He was a perfect gentleman I was very worried about him going out and about into the civilian world and being noticed, but he's a really great actor. He just simply dressed up as someone who wasn't Benedict Cumberbatch. and as soon as we stepped out into the main arena, no one for the entire weekend recognised him and I would have people recognising me and giving their phones to Benedict and going can you take a picture of Benedict? And I just knew that if they realized they were giving their phone to, they would freak out. No one noticed at all. That's how great He changed his walk, he changed his voice, everything. ' I mean, if you were now in a deer stalker and a massive magnifying glass,'d say Benedict, you're asking for this You're the problem. We don't like a victim bade but nonetheless. you such a huge trap. And then at the end of it, I had to leave early and I got back home and realised that I'd left my passport in the van Because you need to take it for ID. And so I had to ring up Benedict who was in the van and go, can you find my passport? Is it in the van? And he searched everywhere and he couldn't find it and the end of it? I was just like, fucking out if Sherock Holmes can't find my passport It's definitely not in the van. And I did indeed find it in myckside and it's like. Yeah. Shherllock Holmes in the case of the missing passport of'll got to bring When they do the reboot, it'll be back. It's brilliant This is your Captain spepeaking. we are on our final approach to our destination. Cabin crew get ready for landing, cabin crew, get ready for landing We're about to start our desents. We've got time for a very, very quick quick fire round. Another quick fire round. I'd never give a quick answer so let me torture you your format. Oh, here we go then. Okay, beach or pool. Oh beach. airport pint, airport panic Oh, neither, or don't drink at an airport. I need to push you. Oh sorry, sorry quQick, quick We're not panic. I midation woman I never panic I'm incredly I get there three hours early. I'm panic now so why don't you go for airport pint? A pint of lovely water to hydrate myself because hydration is key. Yes. Okay, Yes,, yes, yes. Yes. Right. Al Car or Al Car Traz, wouldould you rather go on holiday with me or go to prison Does anybody say anything other than? We have sadly had a few alcatraas. Really? Who are the alcatrazzes? cllose personal friends?'t I'm too soon. Oh, everyone wants to go on holiday with Alan Kar. Everybody wants to on holiday with Alan Kar. I' refuseed to believe anybody to we on that. Sweet. Mile highigh or I'm too shy. Are you a member of the Mile High Club? Have you tried? I've had a wank, Mile hal? just take the edge off. Here we go Yeah just to take me. everyone has We all have blame it on the turbulence. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know, My seat's rocking. Yeah, they won't give you valium. Well if you're a woman you can do. This seat's rocking. We haven'taken off. Yeah. You can do it very. I have. O See, this is one of the advantages of being a woman. you can masturbate very quietly and very stealthily. As I know from holidaying in a caravan with many other children, I could probably have come twice during this and wouldn't have noticed. Oh my god. I're amazed. Very discreet think I spotted once though. Yeah reallyally. that moment Was thatent where I was really going about trees I se I every were taking over the North Polar while we were run about. Hello over the North Pole Yeah Men call them danger wanks, donon't you heard that Yeah when you like Oh I did have a danger vank once. I was in the back of a removal van going over the brridge. removal van. Yeah. I had to be in the back to stop the furniture moving around and we were going over toown brridge and we got stuck in traffic and I was like, wouldould' it be amaz to have a Wank on Tower Bridge? And it was, the doors were sort of like had to be sort of held half open with a couple of hair bubbles. you can see right out the doors out the back of the van? Oh wow. It a really lovely, like very sort of historically informed Wank on Twower brridge. If That was a carry on film,ough it would open, wouldn't it? Yes And' be like the England football team in train 'cause it's down po. It open up in the middle. Yeah Yeah yeah. L but last but not least, tip 'em or fuck 'em. Are you a good tipper or do you go fucky? I'll never see you again. Oh I' of the world's most generous tipper. I knew you would I I'm a hugger. I ask their life stories. I tip pretty heavily. wankers. Yes, yeah, that's my t shirt. Garder, wanker. Yes. E I'm a very sexual humanitarian. Yeah. We should do a wanking podcast. We Me and you and we invite people around to tell us there whereere have they wanked? Yes! Can you get? Wh do we have one of those UV cameras so you can see like kind of like evidence and stuff. Awards No you've gone too far. Oh no, I had that. I had that format in my head P. People put a little flag where they think we've wanked and then you go around with the UV camera and do the reveal, then you get back. I I'll cut this bit out B hats of gold mononkey tennis, come on. No we Benedict Kumberbatch you wank? No, let's not go there. Disgusting. Right we're going now. Bye. Thankk you so much. We're disembarking now. this is a disccus. Yes. I'm disembarking collect baggage and the carousel. Stop masturbating. Thank you Thank you for flying Alan K Thank you Cathine. That was so much fun. I feel like I've learned so much. I feel like my braid has just got bigger. Outsiding is out now, wherever you get your podcast, check it out. It's brilliant and also a brand new book How to Be Hopeful will be on the bookshelf in September. Enjoy. Thanks so much for listening guys. B