Munchausen Syndrome and Razor Blades

Welcome welcome welcome to Arm Chair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shppardd. I'm joined Lily Padman. Hello. What is it today? O an object baby. You guys guysuys? This one hits is No, the last one There's two. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Well they all are wild There are two that you'll never be able to unhear And you're going to hear Monica scream a ton. So keep your volume at like I guess there's always tr warnings. This is a like ear safety warning P' probably not listen to this one with your children. There's some real sensitive stuff actually here. insensitive areas, sharp objects. U Please enjoy foreign objects in body part three This episode is brought to you by American Beverage. We've probably all had that moment where someone says something about an ingredient in your drink and you're like, shouldhould I be worried about that? And then you look it up and immediately end up in the wildest corners of the internet with completely contradicting information. 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You gotta know Johnny Hello. How are you? Are you Randy? I am Where are you, Randy? Well, I'm currently in Orlando I'm on a road trip. I'm at one of my son's house. But I heard about this, We had to stop here on our way to our destination so I can use his computer. Oh that's nice. We appreciate You interrupting your road trip to tell us this story. This our favorite part? a lot of this. Yeah we do. I'm a retired perm. I was a paramedic for thirty five years in a major metropolitan area. Of course, I've got a thousand thousand stories I'm sure But some of these are more unique than others. Okay, the more unique, the better. My partner and I were sitting at the station and the call comes in from Dispatch It says two four two five, self inflicted trauma involveving to four not. And really quick, what does that normally mean to you? What's like the highest probability that means? Self inflicted trauma, usually they're not that detailed. They'll call it an unknown medical or they'll call it a personal injury. But this one happened to come in A little more description to it. We're just kind of wondering, what can this be? Every time I think I've seen it all, I see something I've never seen. knock on the door and the middle aged woman answers the door and she sts She's gone You must have the wrong address. I didnt call nine hundred eleven. you better check with Dpatch. We called Dpatch to verify the address and the name of the caller. And I said, Well, it wasn't a woman's name. I said, Well, this is the name of the caller. And she said, that's my son. He's upstairs. Oh no. Okay. said Well, maybe we should go check on your son So we walked up there and we find that he's around fourteen years old and he's laying in bed. he's got a blanket over him, and he's very reluctant to answer any questions. It's a heartache for you Yeah. I said, How do you feel? He says, Well, I've been a lot of pain. So then he asked for his mother to leave the room and he was more forthcoming with his complaint. So then we looked at him and he had what I would describe as a super silker one thousand an enormous squirt gun? Well, this particular model had an attachment to it that allowed this to happen. There's a tube on the end of it. He asked if we could take care of him at that point, and we sometimes try to do things like that, You know, we'll crerease it up with a little KY jelly if we could get it removed and it wasn't working very well You said, Well, at this point, they're gonna have to transfer you to the hospital. Randy, if you could explain to some detail, I'm picturing a big water gun. Is the barrel in his rectum or is the water tank in his rectum? orr is the entire device in it? The barrel in the water tank, I wouldn't think it would fit. There was a hose attached to it That allowed a stronger strain, I would presume. Okay. Interesting. Okay. I w'm gonna have to do some Googling after this. It sounds like this might have started as like a hydro experiment. Like, o, I might like the sensation of water spraying like a day. I shift but day. Anema bn anima. Yeah, yeah.es I did detest the main water tank on it by separating that from the tube So we didn't have to transport the whole thing again. And then we did bring him to the hospital where he was sedated and the thing was removed. He had a lot of splain in the dude after that. and it was pretty embarass. I can't think of anything thing. I was already so paranoid my mother would discover I was just masturbating, old fashioned masturbating I just can't imagine the horror I would experienced Having to tell my mother that that water pistol she got me. Oh I used in my bedroom. Oh my go. Oh my God. He called nine hundred eleven without her knowledge. I think he thought maybe that he could pull it off. Right thought thought he could pull off a lot of stuff that day. He sure did. He learned a lot So did you have to tell the mom, Okay we have to take him to the hospital? and she's like, why? Well, at that point we figured we'd have to try to remove it. We got her involved. because she was quite nervous to know what's going on. Yeah. And you want some parental consent when you're gonna remove something from a minor's anus. parental consent, even when he's conscious like that. I explained to the fourteen year old rather quickly that you don't want a mother in here, but We have to get her involved. Randy, did you make any effort to alleviate his shame? Did you go like, hey, brother, just so you know, this happens all the time. Well, I say it happens all the time I told him I said I was his age once. Oh That'sice experimentation is something that's rather comm. Of course. That'sight. Yeah. I didn't get any details on that Your own experimentation. The important thing is you're not hurting anybody else. Yeah. just yourself. Yeah. When the mom had walked in the room and he was mid sentenced going, Well, when I was your age, I put a cactus in my wr So what you did was pretty Yeah to be a live animal for that. Sure. We've heard those stories. And what's funny, Scott is you said it wasn't a woman's name on the call and I just want to say, we have now done this prompt quite a few times. and I'm accumulating stories as I move through the world. and I just want to say It's never going to be a woman's name. This's really This seems to be a very male endeavor. I suppose if I look back at my career, I would agree with you. Oh man. Y. Well, Randy, where are you heading? Where's the road trip conclude? We're gonna to go to New Smar Beach. that's on the east coast of Florida. Okay, great. We're traveling with my in laws who've just moved here about a year ago and they've never been to the Kennedys spaceenter O Cool. That's our destination and my sister owns a condo in new Sirit Beach. so we're gonna stay there for a couple of days. Lovely. Where did you live before you retired in Florida? G North when it was very cold. And I love retirement G. I don't miss the challenges and the excitement of the job. That's great because a lot of people don't do well with retirement. There really is an art to it. Yeah, what's the secret as I near it? You take up a hobby, you golf, you own a home that's not brand new, that needs some improvements and that's kept me busy. Yeah, ye Yeahah. You need to be busy, right? doing something. If you're not busy then Bad things, I think can result in You deteriorate. Yeah. If your muscles aren't being used, they kind of have a memory that says, well, if you're not going to use me, I'm just going to go away. Yeah, I'm not going to expend energy on supporting you if I'm not need. And I did that job for thirty five years and that was a long time. That is. We've interviewed a lot of first responders and yeah generally they don't do That's really l and a very high stimuli. so I'm sure you feel happy to be out of that. Yeah People say, Well, you must' have liked your job and I said, I don't think so. I must have loved her. Yeah, That's right. So nice to chat with you. Yeah, Randy, a delight to meet you and I appreciate the story. I just want to say one last thing. My daughter's a big fan of yours. Her name is Megan. She lives in California and she's a film editor. Oh. Oh, she wanted me to say She loves the show and to say home Well thank you Megan. Yes, Meghgan. Thankk you so much for encouraging your father to submit. Yeah. We have. Yeah. It's been a long fun. All right. Have a good trip. Thank you. All right. Be I wish he had a photo of that water sprayer because I was having a hard time. you call it super soaker with a one thousand. I think reser. three thousand Oh, wow. I mean, vintage. This is a vintage one from nineteen ninety seven. Well, it was a while ago. I see if I'm seeing a hose Yeah, this is exactly what I was picturing, but I'm like, what's the h o There is a hose. along the side there. Oh. So do we think he put the hose in? But that one gets stuck in your ass. You could jerk a hose out just fine. There had to be some big bulbous end of it stuck in the rectal But heing of the hoe. I wish you referred to the cavity more. I think it was a super soaker because labeled pretty clearly on these things. Yeah. Or like maybe this, no, that's Nerf. It was taking me to doorash now. Vintage. These are fun. Wow, this vintage one's two hundred eighty twocent. I want to put it in your butt and see how it work. right? Oh, I was gonna say it is weird that the stories aren't females because I do think generally women have more stuff up there. anal beads, like it's more soally. Yes. Socially it's more of a thing. Yeah, I think there's a factors. One, women don't have a prostate. They're not trying to explore some heightened, you know, they might enjoy the tension, but they're not in search of the male G spot No, yeah, I think it's more like in a seual experience with with a man. And then I also don't think there is bold to tell it. No like, o, I think I'll put the entire fuck. I think they're more reasonable. or doing it in secrecy. I don't think they're doing it in secrecy. I think they're doing it in sex and I'm just surprised there aren't more mistakes anyway John, can you hear us Yeah, can you guys hear me? Yeah Absolutely. All right. How are you guys? Good? didid you get stressed out about connecting I had a little bit of a panic attack. Yeah. I don't's so standard. It's always a bit of a challenge. All right. Where are you? I'm gonna see if you guys can guess. You guys are pretty good at guessing. I think you're at a hospital. I am. Oh shit. I thought it was a classroom. Any idea what state? Oh, wow. I'd be basing this on Texas Tiles and this blue background. I'm gonna go Ohio. You're damn good, sir No Are you kidding me W Yes, sir. You just made my year. That might be my best guess about. I have almost no details. For the listener, we see is a green wall in a ceiling. Great, you're in Ohio. I'll leave it at that. I need to kind of keep it a little vague. Surely. And what line of work are you in John? I'm an ERR nurse. Oh ye. You see it all? Yes, sir We are excited. How long have you been doing that? About fourteen years. Great. Yeah. And are you fatiguing at all? or are you still inspired? Comes and goes. There's some days where it's pretty fatiguing. Other days it's inspiring. How are you feeling about the pit? I love it. Most realistic medical drama since you are Yeah, it's so good. Yeah. you love it. And really quick, did you know from a young boy that you wanted to go into this? Noope, I wanted to be a sniper in the military. So either save people or kill people when I'm. I'll be on either end of that spectrum. kill or save. Okay, so and then would I be writing guessing that you probably had to pick between many foreign objects? Yeah. I submitted a couple different ones. Oh great Well, please walk us through the one that you selected for today. This was back in twenty thirteen, just after I was off orientation So a brand new grad. And it was like one of my first shifts off orientation. and the person I was sharing a part of the department with was going to lunch. And they had a patient come in. So I was trying to be a good coworker I'm going to get this patient settled. so I look up and There's an older gentleman on an EMS stretcher laying on his side. So I'm like,, could be anything. So get him in there. and I'm like, you know, what's going on? He goes, I'm having some pain down there and a little bit of blood.. I'm like, okay, that's cool, whatever. So start doing everything, doctor comes in and he's doing his regular questions and he saidays, was there any chance He stuck something up there. The guy's like, absolutely not., no way. And so he's like, okay, well, since you did say you were bleeding, we have to do a rectal exam. You have to have a witness. so me being the nurse, I was in there just kind of being the witness. And the doctor does what he did And when he pulled his finger out, he had a little bit of like clear Plastic glove. Oh, plastic. Clear plastic. I probably could explain it better, but I would give it away.. Okay, G,, great,. So he's like, arere you sure there's nothing up there And he's like, Nope, nothing's up there. Can we just talk for a second about the psychology of someone who comes in? What's so interesting is this is very common. We keep hearing people like they think they're going to be able to deny it all is happening while also getting treated for it. I know. I feel like it's one of the more unique patients that can arrive at the hospitals because like they're not going to help you figure it out. They go into a weird spot in their brain, fight or flight embarrassment. Yeah ye ye As I gain experience, I've told I'm like, I don't care. We're going to help you regardless. Just be honest with us so we can make it a lot quicker. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it would be helpful? This would comfort me. We were just talking to someone. If you were to say to the person like, hey, by the way, we get one hundred of these a year. This is average stuff. Yeah, ye. I think I would feel comforted by that because I bet when you're on your way there, you think you're the only person that needed to go to the hospital for this. This might have been the only time this person ever, but we don't know the story Iet have to see. draw some bloodw work and the doctor sends them m for CT And I had sent a picture of the CT. We have it. I sent three pictures. Okay. Oh my. I'm so excited. I feel like'm Christmas morning. Okay Okay, so here we go, Monica. I see Iliium and the isium. I see the hips. The first one we're looking at as there should be like three circles. Yeah. Uhuh Okay, it's really far up there. Yeah, really far. And it's three stripes. It looks like a fidget spinner almost, but it's not. Okay. Right. Okay. We get those back and the doctor's like Listen, sir, I've been doing this a long time. Just be honest with me So he finally broke down and admitted that His wife was out of town. Al wife is wives cannot go out of town. they can't. He wanted to feel what it felt like. So he went to the fridge and he got brought worst. Oh Brought worst. Yeah, brought worst He put one thought it felt pretty good thoughtought too No would be better. Yeah. Yeah. So then those are three b worars Oh. Oh, let me see canan I I so relate to this person. What? It's my whole thing with Wyom an Anict. It's like, oh, this one pill felt great. Of course two will feel better. and then of course three will feel better. What's the plastic? Oh, like the wrapping? The casing. The case seing. This is coming up on july fourth when everyone's gonna be cooking these up V very patriic. You keep this in mind. Because I was just trying to celebrate our country's birthday. E. Let's talk about a condition many people haven't heard of, and it turns out it's more common than you'd think Peron's Dase or PD for short PD can happen when scar tissue builds up under the skin of the penis. This can cause a curve with a bump during an erection and for some men, lead to pain during intimacy and may impact mental health. It may also lead to anger and frustration, depression, lowered self esteem, and even withdrawal from sexual activity and physical intimacy Because of this, some men could feel embarrassed or reluctant to talk about PD. The actual cause of PD isn't always known. 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And where I'm at, there's a couple hospitals in the area And the surgeon was talking to a buddy of his at the other hospital. Well come to find out the guy had been over there. withith a different those other two pictures. No. Oh, I wondered. I was like, I don't understand how this is three Batwars. Oh no. Oh my goodness, what is Which one are you looking at? So I'm looking at like again, this guy's pelvis and then there is a large object silhouetted that's really far off to the right. It doesn't look like you would, but anyways, yeah, what are we looking at? I'm sure you guys like to travel a lot When you take your toothbrush, you get a ic holder that the toothbrush goes in that was his final one and he ended up having a clost me after that No. Oh Oh, That's so sad. He's really addicted to this. But it's not even that he's addicted to it that's so puzzling. it's that you got something lost in there. I would think minimally you go, okay, nextxt time I need a string attached to whatever I'm putting in my but or you know, some game plan Go ahead and keep pursuing this, but do it a little better. Keep pursuing it. You've already had to go to the hospital. Okay. And it's bad. And then you went again. So that's a you went again. Yeah. three strikes youre out is what you're saying. An other picture. Yeah, what's this one takes place shortly after the Bro worst Any guesses on what that could be. It looks like a dildo, honestly, but it's confusing. It's not Yeah, Is it a microphone? You know what it weirdly looks like? It looks like his spinal column. But what if he stole one from a museum? What did our parents always tell us we'd keep a doctor if we ate it And Oh, it's this. Oh, it's the dark It's the dark. It really was into food in two of the events until then And then oral hygiene. He's like I e so much I've een so much food down there. I gota like a brush. So I'm getting cavities. This looks like an apple that's been cut half. He didn't want rectal cavities. It was full. It wasn't cut in half, but he did core it or he put was able to get a string through it So see, he was trying. That's how they got it out? Yeah. So the browers required surgery. didid the toothbrush container require surgery? They had to actually open his belly. They took out some of his bowel because it had died Oh fuck man.. Oh, this is hor. How old is this man? I blame the wife. It sounds like she was traveling too much. She traveled so much. Why could you stay put? Don't blame her She had to get out of that house. How old is was this person? Late fifties? Okay, okay. The D shhd type. sounds like in my future Wow. A lot of these stories, you know, what's interesting is we have both. There's the young people experimenting, but most of these stories are kind of older men and their wives go out of town. They've always had this curiosity and then they're like, you know what? I'm fifty eight. What am I waiting for? Yeah. The time like the present. That's right. Now orever she gets back Tuesday. Oh I feel terrible. You wouldn't know, but I do wonder he has come home with me like, Ohh, honey, I had to get a clos. what? That was at the other hospital, so I don't know. I'm assuming he had to call her from the hospitals. I don't know if she was out of town at that time or That whole story I wish you could just ask like, hey, Hun, I'm just interested in what it feels like. Could you just put a dilda up there? Ask for help before you do all of this. But maybe it's probably part of the appeal. You feel naughty? Yeah. I don't know. That's one of many stories that I could have told about P People sticking other things up, other body parts. You know, John, I would imagine when you entered this career, your own interest in putting something in your butt might have been around a three or a four, but post career, you're like, is' a zero. It's like negative fifty. Yeah. you really seen it go sideways. That's the problem. We don't hear the victory stories, you know Are there? Well, yeah, like we could have a promise. L tellell us about the best day of your life and some guy would be like, yeah, I put a corn cob up my ass and it got it out, but it was fucking great. We're not hearing those stories. could be misleading. If then he would do it again and he would keep doing it if it felt great and like maybe Brootworst had been doing this for a long time and with success Yeah. And then he got cocky. I don't know. Well, John, this is a delight. I never anticipated that we would have a story where the person had three trips. Jesus. Yeah. I got one that probably would make Monica very uncomfortable and involve some stuff stuck in a vagina. Go ahead. We need to. what was in there. Clicked down and dirty. This person came in. she was a furry And she identified as a cat It's kind of a sad story, but she wanted to feel like what it would feel like to birth kittens. No, no. Yes, no. Yes. Yes. fucking God, dude. No. See, this is where women are more kinky. Yeah. She put a kitten up there? R No T Cuch ud I don't know. Listen, I am all for people getting as kinky as possible. I would never shame anyone's thing but you can involve other animals. We gotta draw a line the other an You can draw a line before that. But if she put three stuffies in her vagina, I would be miserable, but I would have no ethical issue with it. She ended up passing away because she got sepsis and infection. I guess she kept him there for a couple days. No no, no. This is so okay, o my God. this is so horrifying and it is so sad. We've got up some mental issues. I mean, I think if you're in a position where you were becoming a cat. Yeah, of course. You're in treacherous waters. Wh God That was Re. Are you like the king of a backyard barbecue?? I'm a great time at parties. I would be all yourars trail you around the party trying to gather. Yeah. I never there's like a kitten at somebody's house. like, Oh, that reminds me. John, you've got a great story about kittens. Holy shit. What a pleasure meeting you. Very nice to meet you. Thank you guys. canan I give a couple quick shout outs give as many as you'd like First of all, I want to thank you guys. You guys have been after some pretty stressful shifts, some great comic relief, hearing other people's stories. So thank you for what you guys do. Shout out all the other nurses, especially two of them that I work closely with. and funny one of their names is Kat. Ohoy. The other oness Devin and Chelsea. and then the person introduced me to this podcast is actually the lady that cuts my hair, herer name is Sarah Oh, shout out. Thank all those nurses. I mean, truly, I hope you hear it in our voice. We falking are so grateful for nurses. It means a lot. Well be well, brother and enjoy that encroaching summer. that's upon us.. All right, John,. takeake care brother. Take care,ee you guys Hi. Look at your beautiful hair. Oh, thank you. I, you know, washed it How do you do with anesthesia? Not well. That stereotype holds. I had surgery and the preop nurse My surgeon and the anesthesiologist individually all walked in the room had met me and were like redhead, L out loud. Oh no Wasn't it super comforting? No. Was the surgery you getting something removed from your rectum? No. That would be appropriate. And unfortunately, there's not a lot of women involved in these stories But I said I'm surprised. My anecdotal evidence is unfortunately, I would say it's mostly Mle skewed. Is it okay if I do a fake name for this gu? Of course. What name would you like to go by? I was in that UKK, but I think I could go with Lucy. I love it. Okay G. G.ally fit. Are you in the medical profession? I am. And can you give us a broad where you're at in the country? I am in the Pacific Northwest. Okay, great. It's comforting to know that this stuff is happening kind of globally. We're not isolating any certain areas. And this took place elsewhere in the country in a like big city. so it's everywhere. And what do you do? I am an ER nurse. Okay, great. We are so grateful for you. Thank you. We love people who love us. And I should say, Monica, before you ask, yes, I love ER and the pig It's the alD. And yes, I have seen Munchaogen's by proxy. Oh God, maybe we can do a promise. That was one of your old questions you kind of forgot about. And maybe you had to get rid of that cause for CTE. It's a lot I'm causing. I know. No know, I have a lot of. You just reminded me, Lucy, how obsessed she was with Moonschaowen by proxy. I go back to that. I feel bad. I really let that one go I mean, in your defense, those stories are always overshadowed by how sad they are. I mean, CTE isn't much better. Most of your causes are pretty. Yeah, ye. Once you recognize what was going on, I would have a hard time containing my aire towards the parent. L police yourself with how you were interacting with the parent? one hundred percent. At least in this case, Once the child was removed, the parents still obviously like, it's always a mom. Mom always tries to like still be involved, tries to visit, tries to whatever. So you still interact with them. And I definitely found myself being shorter. Well, just like the butt stuff's very male, The moon js is very female. It is. I've never even heard of a dad doing it. I know actually. Never heard of a femle with a foreign object in her butt? I've never heard of a male that's open I mean I' I've heard of a female with a foreign object stuck up there. In the anus? Yes.. But it was during sex, it wasn't like on their own playing. How could you haveve not told me this story? Somebody's story. Okay. All right. Well to throw in an extra layer, I will say I've worked pediatrics for a long time and kids tend to go like enis vagina route, they don't tend to do the butt. I don't know what it is. But For that in the mix. To your point, the girls are usually it's a vaginal thing. Yeah, usually act. And the boys are putting things in their urethra? I think we have only seen this once or twice. Yes. The one that sticks out to me was a two aged kid eight or nine. It was a crayon. Oh Oh man I know of all the areas of my body, the one that immediately can make me like fucking get a shiver is just a thought of anything in my urethra. I had a cather. I was like fuck this. This is way worse than any surgery I've gotten. I don't feel bad for dudes in the medical world all that often. Sure. With the cals, you have it a little bit rougher than we do. Okay, I'll admit. The thing is is it's just like there's so much too You feel like you have to pee for in my case, four days straight. It's just a terrible feeling. It's not pleasant. I always feel bad. I will say in the future, you have the option to have a numbing gel inserted. I don't know if you heard this story. That was phase one of the trauma was the woman had my penis in her hand and she's got this enormous as you know, that numbing solution, there's like five ounces of it. It's not like a little top. It's like a huge syringe and she's going to squirt ounces of it into my urethra. and I can kind of feel she's wrestling with something. I'm more distracted by the fact that a stranger's holding my penis And then I hear a pop then I hear, o All of it it's like the plunger was stuck and then she just fucking turbo injected all five ounces into my penis in a millisecond. And I screamed, which I don't scream. And she goes, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. that never happens. That's how we started my cath. Not way. To your point, I have never used all of that gel Oh, we did I bet some is still in my fucking bladder. But alas, we've come for a foreign object and a butt story. so please set the stage for us. My only sadness is I only have one to tell you and we don't have time for all of them.' so many. If you had a ballpark, how many do you think you've seen? twwelve years, maybe twenty to thirty. Jesus. Yeah, wow. They often come in batches, I can't explain. some's in the air. Wh everyone's getting the same bad idea. I don't know. But yeah, so I'm in a big City, big trauma center, big ER ons of patients in and out of per day, a billion ambulances. This is twenty twenty one. It's post COVID. So we get an EMS call ambulances coming in, eighty year old male Abdominal pain, vitals are stable. And that's also all day every day. Belly pain, fine could be anything. Vitals are stable, honestly, I kind of like check out. G. You're autopilot. So get them into the room, the medics give their report and then at the end of it, the medic says, hey, Can I talk to you in the hallway for a second? Now, this happens a lot. They have so much information. A lot of times it's like, hey, we were at the house and we think maybe social works should get involved, there's neglect happening. We saw a pile of drugs, factor that into your differential. L they have very helpful information. And in this case, she said, I have two things to tell you. One is that in route, he updated his chief complaints, which is that he inserted something dctly A couple of days ago, he thinks that's causing his pain. a coupleold days. this is the shame you're dealing with. You're just sitting there for two days debating whether or not. Or at first you like it No I think I think you're hopeful you might poop it out I don't know I'm guessing Yeah You're like, how can ride this out for a couple days because I can't deal with the shame of this. Let's see if it comes out naturally. and then you're like fuck. So the other piece of this was she said of note, also his wife died recently. Oh no. Yeah. That's the permanent going out of town We we have found Lucy that almost all of these stories involve the wife was h I was listening to that one the other day and I was like, this is why Married me longer. She went really far off. She went permanently out of its ownwn and he's like f Let's get going. Okay. That's terrible. You read the room, sometometimes people need like a little joking like, hey, what are you think, you know, brereak the ice, make them more comfortable. This guy, I was like, I feel so sad for you. He's clearly so embarrassed. And I was like, we're gonna get this out, sir. L it's gonna be fine And next do you wantan to pick a name for him? I feel like he needs like an old man name George. I'm like, all right, George. So we'll start some blood work, we'll get some urine samples, standandard abdominal pain stuff, we'll get some imaging. Do you offer any pain killers? Doctor offers him some, but at this point, she's mostly uncomfortable L he wants to be in a certain position. But yeah, that definitely gets offered, but he's very like eighty year old stoic. He's like, nope, just get it out Honestly, I mostly appreciate that he didn't lie to us. wastes a lot less time. Imaging comes back. You can't really exactly tell what anything is, but you can kind of rule out the dangerous stuff. So really the ER doctor is just looking at is the safe to remove an ER. So it's not glass, it's not metal, it doesn't seem to be sharp. It's all one piece. so he's like, great, we can take it out here. O explosive, we've had that one. Someone put a butane tank up their ass. ye. I've seen some errorsults. There's definitely things that they get punted to the OR and they're like, this is not an ER problem. They have to deal with a lot of shit up there. I feel bad for the OR point doctorors like, great, we'll take it out He offers the patient sedation, pain meds. A lot of people need something to help get through this experience and tolerate it. And George was just like, nope, get it out. And honestly, the ER doctor all kind of like owboys so they're like, sweet, I get to do a procedure and just do it and be done with it. So I go grab my friend, one of the other nurses, I grab Jason and I'm like, hey can you help me with something? Everyone, thankfully is such a team player. They don't even ask what they're signing up for. He was just like, yeah, cool. I'm coming and on the way I was like,, it's okay, it's a rectal foreign body. So we all get in there. George is on his side Doc gets glove he gets just a whole bunch of lube and goes for it We're maybe a minute into this, but he's already found it. He can reach it, which is great He can feel it, he can kind of get his hand around it. Can I quickly ask you, did the man ever tell you what object was in there? No, they never did. Yeah. Okay, great, great, great, great, right So it's a mysty. Mystery. They're always like, I don't know, it's like something. Yeah I fell down. I don't know what's up there. I fell. as if we're not gonna to see it in five minutes. Yeah. So he can feel it and he's like, all right, I have my hand around it, but as I'm sure you've discovered in hearing all of these phrasase it One problem is the slipperiness factor in the grip. One factor is like the suction. The back pressure. Yeah. The suction is so interesting. I mean, it's good in that if your brhled sphincter was open, you wouldn't just like want everything in there to fall out. Exactly, yes. I would not. In this case, it's unfortunate So Doc is in there and he's like trying to grab it and he can't do it Finally, he takes his hand out. We like give the patient a break. Sweet L little George is like just do it. I got this And so I'm now thinking, I don't think this is going to go well. Like you didn't have gp on at the first time where I'm like, I don't think it's going to work But the dooc is so like, nope, I'm ready. And there's plenty of instruments he can try. There's other options and things, but he's like, No, I know I can do it. Second time, Han goes in. and at this point, I look down and he is truly elbow deep in this man. in a senior. G in for it. Oh W blah This episode is sponsored by Better Help So Monica, here's something that really stuck with me. BetterHelp's twenty twenty six state of stigma repeport surveyed two thousand Americans and revealed that eighty five percent of Americans believe getting support is wise. Yet seventy four percent say society discourages people from doing so. That's a huge gap. Most of us agree that therapy is a good thing, but there's still something holding some people back from actually going Right. And I think that's where just talking about it, normalizing it makes a difference. I mean, as you know, I'm obsessed with therapy I've been in it consistently for years and years and years. and I have said this and I shouldn't say it, but I do think if you're struggling and you've been struggling for a while and you haven't sought therapy, I judge you a little bit. Oh Okay Yeah. I know I'm not And I gott to go to therapy to work on that, you know, but also there are options for you. You can help yourself And Betterhelp makes that first step easier. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs and with over thirty thousand therapists and twelve plus years of experience, they typically get the match right the first time. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with betteretter Help. Sign up and get ten percent off at betterhelp dot com slash DAax. That's betterhelp dot com slash DAax We get support from Sims Monica has been on a whole kick lately. I really have. When I get new skims, it is like Christmas. I get so excited. I love skims and they have Sim's cotton, which I literally reach for every single day. The fabric is really soft, but it also holds its shape. There's nothing worse than Sagsville. Exactly. It's really bad. Skims never does that Every single piece I've gotten from them still looks brand new after a lot of washes, there's no stretching, they lay perfectly and they support in all the right places. You're pretty particular about that stuff too, which is saying something. It is. and I'll just say it, the lightweight cotton thong is the best one I've ever tried. I also have their cotton jersey t shirt. I have it in black and I really love it fit but it is very flattering. Sometimes I don't love a tight fit shirt, but Skims just does everything right. I really don't know what they're doing over there. The t shirt is perfect for summer. It's a great summer shirt. G get yours, shop Skims cotton and all of my favorite pieces at skims dot comot After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select Armchair experpert in the dropd down menu that follows H it is This corner kit could be a big one There's the cross He arises to meet it and It's a Soccer's biggest tournament is here. and enterprise is turning every corner kick goal into your chance to win a car. The moment a corner kick is called, post on X with hashtag on every corner hashtag sweepsticks and tag Enerprise. If it's a corner kick goal, you could win Winners may pick up their cars at an enterprise or an enterprise car sales location on a corner near them. With over a thousand corner kicks expected, that's a lot of chances to win For more details and an additional chance to win, visit on everyverycorner. com No purchase necessary for legal residents of the fifty US states in DC, Puerto Rico, Canada, Ireland, the United Kingdom, France, Germany and Spain, who are twenty one and older. Sweepstakes Es july nineteenth, twenty twenty six Void wherear prorohibited. Prize awarded if a corner kick goal is scored. For entry details and official rules, visit onverycorner. com Really quick, when I'm working on things mechanically and I get frustrated, I start going like, I fucking mother fucker have you ever heard Do just gonna start letting them fuckking you son of a bitch. Are they like stifling any of that chatter that men do when they're working on stuff? It happens more when the patient is s dated, I would say. Okay, okay. They like police themselves a little more when they're awake. Okay A A aboutout thirty seconds into this, I am now thinking, this isn't gonna to happen ' at this point, he's leaned in, he's still elbow deep. This stop driper is like ripped and he is in a t shirt, which is only relevant because I can see that his shoulder and his bicep like at this point, I'm about to ask him to stop because I'm like, you're gonna dislocate your shoulder driving. my God! crying so hard As soon as I'm about to say this, can we just hear this perfect little like Ces right out He's now holding this thing in its hand and we all kind of are looking at like it feels like someone's just getting versed. George is just like exhausted. He got this thing out. Everyone's tired, The doctor's exhausted. he's holding it. I can only describe it as holding like a six in shoes Wide by eight inches long. Heiece of a wooden banister bister. Okay. I can't say for sure. mayaybe he was like a woodworfer, but it is kind the shape of a bishop in a chest set. Oh yeah. But huge wooden. It's covered in like obviously stool, but also some blood. Yeah. So not a gentle removal and also didn't look perfectly sanded, to be honest. a splintering going on.. I know if I gott to pick a material to insert my butt wood is just after glass. Yeah he's been pulling on it so splinters everywhere. Yeah, but it might' have been those splinters that got him his found purchase You might have saved him. So the doctor now is just like, sweet. So he just throws it in a specimen bag, chucks it on the counter. It's like this clear bag you put labs in. He throws it on the counter Tss with the glub and walks out of the room. And of course, my coworer, Jason's like, al right, I got other patients. he leaves, so it's just me and George And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna let you rest for a little while. You know, we're gonna to keep him overnight because there was blood and he's old. So I go back to other things. mayaybe an hour later, I get a call from security that says, Hey, you have a patient for Room twenty for Georgia's Rom I said, okay, I to go chat with him, seeee if it's okay for him to come back. It's his nephew. And I get up to walk. and before I can even hang up the phone, I see somebody walking down the hallway and I hear themu about room twenty. I have not yet made it to the room. All I'm thinking is that bag and that blade stpping mask is on the counter. The evidence is in plain sight I like dart into the room and say, hey Y nephew's coming, they live together. this is who take care of him. And as I'm saying this, I see the patient's face like poor door It's just like, Oh God, like someone's coming. So I just position myself so I'm now between the door and the object. So I amm standing in front of it against the wall door opens, Nphew comes in and he's like, Oh my Godd, like Uncle George, what's going on? Are you okay? What's been happening?? And so I just tell him, Hey, we ran floodwor, urine themple, his vitals are okay. We're waiting on some imaging to come back true. Bear in mind, his aunt just died. so he's probably thinking like, oh my go, this is part two, like I'm gonna to lose both of them. He's panicking. But I'm also like, I can't tell him what it was. It is George's story to share. At some point, Nathew just looks at me and he goes, okay, do you have any idea what could be causing this abdominal pain? Like what's going on? So it was like a neighbor called him to come in. You know, we saw an ambulance take your uncle away. He has no idea I'm now backed up against the bag and I'm holding this bag against my backag We're all very close in this room And I just said, I have absolutely no idea could be anything. Yeah. greatreat. kind of like slid sideways out of the room, like drapped it in the gage on the way. Oh nice. But I don't know that he actually ever found out what happened. Oh. And so we still don't know ex exactly what it was. Meaning like we didn't ask George, like, where' this thing come from? Like why you what does it mean why like What's significant? Why are you in love with? Yeah I think George should have sent you Christmas cards. I feel like I did a Misslan. Yeah. definitely did. You were a great wingman in that situation. I tried. I will say anyt timee I've ever asked somebody why, it's never a satisfying answer. It's always like I was on drugs or I don't know. Yeah. Not even why, but like where Yeah, exactly. Wh ex What' you could trick him Oh, I love this. Where did you get this? What is it? idea. The other thing I think you could have said to the nephew is you could have just said like, oh yeah, you know, he had severe stool blockage which is true. There's no way that he could have shipped that idea. Nll post. Is that what it's called Nole post? No, no. That is actually a great answer. I will say any object, young people tend to do sex toys, like vibrators, stuff that doesn't have a flared base, but like the object itself is like safe material, right? R A piece of like wood, glass, whatever. but been A patient over the age of sixty five. Wow. Yes, what I was saying at the beginning, these are generally older dudes that feel like they've been either, they've been getting away with it forever. Right O B, it's not their first trip and they're acting like it's their first trip. But I'm more inclined to think it's like it's just been ruminating in the back of their mind for years that they want to try. and then at some point they think, okay, we're gonna do this finally. Yeah Or like because they're so old. Do you think this in my future? No. Because I think it's ' they're so old. They think dildos are made of wood and glass. I do think they need some education. Yeah, they're like, I don't wanna go buy one at the store, but this is the same. This banister. There's a ton of variety in these stories. One is like, yeah, they're too embarrassed to go buy a dildo. so they just try to find an object. That makes sense. We've heard a lot of these word. There's some other thing going on. The danger part is clearly part of the eroticism It's like there's no way you put that in your butt. That couldn't have been the best option. This one seems like he really just wanted to feel it. He just loves wood. He's a woodworker. Well, he might have made it on a lhe. He might have like been working on that thing. He had his lay there What are you doing, Grandpa George? I' just making a new post. so I'm gonna give it to Mike for Christmas this year. Oh my God. I did hate that there was so much shame involved. My husband's an yarnnerter and he was like, oh, I bet his wife was like helping out with that for many years. No. they would have had like a builder if that were the case. Yeah, they would had a good system. Well maybe it was like she used to do that for me and she's gone So now I have to do it myself. bur her with the vibrator. No I thought I was like at first I thought this was gonna go to a really crazy place where he like stuck the urn up there. Oh. And they werey romantic Yeah, you know, yeah. That's so much more horrorif. I wanted to scatter her ashes in her favorite place, my ass. It was either Lake Winapazagi or my anus. my anus and I regreted. What she wanted? That's what she would have wanted. Luczy, that's a lovely story. Good job. And you're a hero and you're a good wingman and you deserve some credit for that. Thank you. My lovely cousin, Susan and my friend Carly are both fag arm cherries and I know they will be listening. Oh shout out. First question they asked was, did I think I was gonna shit myself on camera talking to you guys Have you done that? We have no way of knowing No, but I did have a thought if that happened, I feel like I would just own up to it and I think Dax would kind of be happy about it. 'ause it just screams confidence? Oh, if you say it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of a gangster, you know Yeah But say thank you to you guys. You guys came with me on my whole travel nursing journey. It started on my way to Austin. I had two days to kill and I was like, I love parenthood. I guess I'll like come over and see what Cowd was up to. Sure. Monica, thank you for being willing to talk about being a single person, existing in a world full of relationships. I was like mid late twenties and I had not so much as kissed boy when we first started listening. and so hearing you be able to talk about it and share kind of that perspective really openly was really lovely. And even though I'm married now, it has continued to be lovely and I still feel like Thank God like someone's speaking up for the single people still. Oh, thank you. I'm glad. Well, we like you. We're very grateful you're an arm sharing. Yes. All right, well'll be well and thanks for doing what you do. Yes, thank you. Thank you guys so much. This was fun. All right. Thank you Hello Josie. Hello. You're in your closet, which is fantastic. Yes, I follow the rules.on I appreciate. So good. so silky. Where in the country are you? You don't have to be super specific. Yeah, I'll keep it vague just for patient privacy. I'm in the northwestern quuadrant of the US. Okay, wonderful. Wonderful. You're your second Northwest caller. The other one's story wasn't in the Northwest. so that' point. She just was currently practicing, you're right, you're right, you're right I assume you're in medicine. Yes. I've been a nurse for eleven years and always like in a larger metropolitan area. Where the action is? Yeah, where the action is. I don't w wantna use the wrong word here, but are you a bit of an arousal junkie? Yes. Being a nurse, you see some shit. The messiness of being human is onfold. apex. It just excites me. L whenever I see something really shocking, I'm immediately like Okay, this is a story. I can't wait to get off work and tell my husband about this. So yeah, I love that kind of stuff. I couldn't do the job for so many reasons because it's the hardest job in America. That's why we love nurses. There wouldd be so much like duty stuff that would be hard for me. But I am also drawn to it because I think the excitement and how quickly a shift I imagine goes by. doeses it just blow by? tootally fo our shifts and if I work like an eight or something, I feel like I'm barely there. I mean, I've done so many like nasty things. L I m the joke. likeike if I wear gloves, I can touch anything. All you need is your gloves. And then just quickly, if you had to ballpark How many foreign objects in body have you seen in eleven years? More than five, I'd say, like I've seen multiple rectum swallowing is like a really big thing. People swallow stuff. I've seen urethal sounding. I had a guy that was putting objects through his urethra to masturbate. T masturbate. Yeah, so yeah like pens and he was getting all kinds of infections because of it. People do wild things. So he put a ballpoint pen in there and then jerk off with the pen in there. It's a thing. we like Googled it afterwards. I mean, like I had a lady who was injecting mh in her butt. Wow. Okay, so please tell us about this particular story. Okay, so like I said, I've been a nurse eleven years and this is one of those shifts' right away I got report and I was like, here's a story. So when you're a nurse, you come in for your shift and you get report from the previous nurse and they tell you everything about your patients And this nurse just kind of gets right into it. You know, she goes, this is a young adult female It our first female.ur first came into the emergency department with complaints of putting multiple razor blades. anderting it into her vagina.. And then she' super glued it shut I gotta go. Superced She super glued the vaginal opening and then the labia majora all the way together She was so mad. a pack it full of razor blades. seal it up for good. it's like I can. I can imagine like if you bag the crunches or like b Oh Nonow cles Yeah. Okay, so just wait, I gotta back I got back up. We're still clear. So we still don't have a female rectal. I feel like I know the world a little better now. Okaykay. I wasn't prepared for a female anal. Okay, holy. I wish it'd be way better. I'd rather havever bise up the ass than the vagina I think there's more room in your vajina. it's so. Well, it certainly is, and that's why we like going there. but You also can has a baby head through there. I don't know. I don't know what's better or worse. And usually people are kind of shy and like secretive when they first come into the emergency department with a foreign object, right? Like they're embarrassed. She just came right out and said it, even though her lips were sealed. Oh really quick. So you said twenties? Yeah, young adult female