Understanding Victimhood and Self Responsibility

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I mean we was still quite distant me myve done, but we do talk he text me after the QPR game but it's yeah we're just not that kind of family We're not, you know We never And I think this goes with something We never had a table You know, this thing of What of the things that My leisure Do know, can I just say something? That is so tells me so much R Right. Like A table is a basic family need. Right. What are you going sit aroundound? Absolutely. T to play Uo E exactly. All right. And you know what? one of my first girlfriends she went I remember having dinner around their house And we had to sit around the table and it was Yes Mortifying thing. I' gonna look at you? Yeah, we're gonna sit around the table with your parents We're going to sit round why the parent? I don't want to your parent is so scary because I wasn't used to this. And the reason they did it and she used to hate it She was wonderful. She used to hate it and I I remember I used to say to her, L this is this is so important because her dad Ask everyone. to a brother and ask everyone how their day had been first at first I found it mortifying. I hated the concept And then I grew to love it. And obviously that's what we do at home. Obviously, we have the table the kids now being gross to the kids, we have it round the table. Thats it's so important table to family Book and that you know, the table. Yeah, when I talk about teenagers Yeah and I always my girlfriend told me to never say no to a teenager and I was like, I don't get that. like what? Yeah That's impossible. How can you not say no to a teenager? She said They're teenagers comoming into adulthood. Yeah. they need a negotiation And you take them to the negotiating table. That's fantastic. And you sit down and you go, okay, tell me what you want Okay, the reason why I'm having a problem that is because of this or I've got to get up really early in the morning. I don't want to come pick you up at three o'cock in the morning. Yeah. Can we negotiate on the time? You know what I mean? Yeah you' fantest negotiate a bit I negotiate a bit. they feel heard I feel heard no argument. Yes, No leaving the room going, I hate you. Yeahah, yeah. I've got that to come t using that on. That's why you've got a table now as well. Absolutely. For later, negotiating. Exactly. yeah. So like how do you create a safe environment for you in relationships when you're growing up, like that's really hard Well, I think you know no boundaries is something that Yeah I've kind of had to I mean, that could, you know, and we'll get to that, I'm sure, but not you know, not not drinking was so important. to, you know, in in creating boundaries and u kind of pathways of existing. axima as unpredictable But you can flare less with eGiss, a once monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema After in an initial four month or longer dosing phase, about four in ten people taking EBGLS achieved itch relf and glare are almost glare skin at sixteen weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more glare at one year, with monthly dosing. 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Get free samples, expert design help, and professional measure and install services, or DIY it with confidence and support every step of the way Shop up to forty five percent off sitewide right now during the fourourth of July VIP access sale at blinds. com Childhood is a very difficult period And I think we all need to understand that children are born into the world utterly dependent on those around them, the few people around them who are randomly chosen and who will be suffering from various distortions of their own minds. I mean, it's very rare that you are born into a sane family. Most of us are born into you know it's a lopsided sort of proposition So we have to understand that this is the way we're born How long are we going to let that lopsided entry into the world determine our lives ideally a minimal amount of time What you need to do is to realize the nature of the lopsidedness, accept the lopsidedness and start to correct it as early as possible. do we Find out our lopsidedness is, is it that we sit and ask ourselves questions or You know, it depends in which area, love and work, the two great areas of life. This is Freud said, you know, happiness means getting love and work right. And most of us get love and work dramatically wrong with things that are probably related to early childhood. or we pick up what happens in childhood is that we don't only learn language and social skills. We learn a whole emotional vocabulary about who we are, how we function, what's expected of us, what it takes to be good, what it means to be a boy, a girl, gender roles all of this is encoded in us unconsciously And we need to understand the language we've learned in order to become self aware and question because bits of it are going to be balmy reallyally, really strange, really distorted. There will be an excessive focus on some areas and not on others And ultimately The goal of adulthood is to become your own arbiter of your own value and of your own mission and of your own joys, etceta. It used to belong in other people. You know A child looks up at its parent and goes, Who am I What am I worth? And the answer comes back from the parent's face And that answer is loaded with prejudice and bizarre stuff, right. After a certain age, you think That happened to me in the past, I can't let that continue. At some point I've got to become. And by the way, we do this in love. I mean, in love, you know, most of us spend a good portion of our lives thinking I'm not complete until I meet somebody else who's able to mirror for me picture of who I am. I won't tolerate myself until someone else can say You're okay and until then I'm not okay. Can I quickly ask you something about that? So because I think what I think what you're saying is I want to find somebody where I like myself Okay, so you'll show me a version of I become a nice person when I'm with you. I give you power of attorney over my worth. I give you power o. I give you the power to decide whether I'm a good person or a bad person. Think about loneeless. Doesn't we know if we're a good person or Of course. But of course, that's not the history. So let's passionate toward the history because we've come from a place where we take our school grades to our parents and go, what am I worth? Am I a good person?ir And maybe there are good evolutionary reasons why that's the case. but the point is, how long do we want to let that continue At some point we have to seize the reins and go now I'm an adult. And part of adulthood means not surrendering my power to decide my worth always to random external authorities You know, again, in relationships, people People get into terrible trouble because they stick around people beam back a terribly negative image of them and they go, I've got to spend another decade persuading this person that I'm a worthwhile human being And you think, no, you don't. If you are not getting back an image that you li and broadly agrees with your sensible reasons for your own assessment and sense of worth. G out. donon't be around such a situation. We do so much of giving up to others something that should be self generated and we get into terrible troubble because of that somethingomething that I'm really interested in which kind of plays into what you're talking about. I mean we've kind of touched on a bit that life is suffering. You know, this idea that we've all got to try and be happy all the time It's un aachchievable, it's untenable, and it's not realistic I do worry about people trying to achieve something that they're never going to be able to achieve because life is difficult. And getting through those difficult times a bit like and going through a crisis or doing something you're frightened of means that when you get through it, you're like, Yes, I got through it. Yeah. But also I feel like Um, do you know what? I've completely lost my gen? No, no, no Yeah. Give me two minutes because I'm actually gonna come back to it. We were just talking What we just talking about? Well it's about whether you allow somebody else to determine what your worth is. Remember abouts about childhood and the way that children children will sort of look to their parents or those around them to decide whether they're a good person or a bad person Yes. And So I think I think basically what I was saying was that as we get point where we stop believing ourselves, there is like a time in your life where you have to Cleanse your life of people Oh, ic I've remembered it. Oh my God, thank you so much. That was like doing the best pooh ever. I love you. this has never happened to me before, but can I just say something Yeah? Thank you for being patient and letting me find it. No, it makes me feel emotional. I'm so grateful to you. Anyway, I feel fucking great. what I hear about is people that can't take responsibility for themselves. And I'm really interested because I've had some experience of addiction. and treatment centers. I didn't personally go into treatment centre. I went to a fellowship, but It is said in a treatment centre that An addict that is stuck in victim mode is almost impossible. to treat because they can't recover because they don't believe that they can help themselves. They've lost power creates Are we born victims or do we become victims? And if someone is in victim mode, they often don't want to get out because it's easier But how can we help a victim? O do we have to just leave them be? What do we do? I mean, look, I'm qu I'm inclined to be quite generous towards that word victim. You know, peopleeople go, o that person feels you know victimized, et cetera. And I want to start by going Let's not put them let's not label them. That's labeled. that's what you know,'s not treat as bad people, etcetera. I think all of us, I mean, what do we mean by victimhood? Let's say I go outside and it's the third time I've left the house and every time I leave the house it looks sunny. but then every time I've spent five minutes walking down the road, It starts to rain, and I get completely drenched and I've forgot my umbrella. By the third time this happens, I start to feel the world's getting at me Right I feel like I amm being victimized by the weather, right? Or I go into a restaurant and I say, canan I have a nice table? And they go, Yeah, over there and you realize the table's wobbly and there's a strange smell and they've given you the worst table. And you think, I'm being victimized in the pizza restaurant or whatever it is. So it's quite possible to feel that you're being got at by the world. Often it has to do with a deep sense that you're unworthy and that you're not a good person. The more you feel I'm not good, I'm unware there's something wrong with me. The more you'll constantly be reading insult everywhere. Everyone's laughing at me people are getting at me, etceter. So again, huge compassion. This comes from not really having been seen, loved, honored, etceta. And then you make it worse for yourself because you're permanently seeing yourself as a good fitting plausible candidate for victimization, and then you feel victimized by things that go wrong. The tube train left the station in order to hurt me. My dates didn't show up because they loatheed me. So everythingthing is connected up with something wrong with you. Of course, what we really realize is that the world's much more random. The weather wasn't interested in you, The tube is not trying to humiliate you. The date that was late, they had some problem with their own family, whatever it is, you know, There's often a lot more going on than the victimized person feels. And so that's why, by the way, it's really useful to get out on a starry night and look at the stars becausecause suddenly you're aware of the vastness in which we all live. and you think, you know what? it's not all about me beautiful thought becausecauseuse normally we think it's all about me and that's a bad thing. It'd be more about me And then sometimes you look at something vast like the ocean, like the stars, and you think, than goodness, that I'm not the center of this show. This show's been going on a lot longer, it's a lot bigger. I am a grain of sand. than God. And so that's a sort of anti victimization strategy to realize that, know it started long before you, it'll go on long after you, it's not about you and thank God, it's not about you