Mindfulness and Finding Peace

This episode is brought to you by Google Health. Stop chasing someone else's definition of health. What matters is what's healthy for you. Google Health offers a new kind of coach, built with gemini for effortless tracking, sleep insights, and holistic coaching tailored to you. Visit Googlestore. com to learn more and start a new relationship with your health. Requires Google account, Google Health App, Internet, and Google Health Premium Subscription. Feature subject to change, availability and results vary, not intended for medical purposes, works independently of Gemini apps, check responses for accuracy . Where is Daredevil A minor . Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again. So what's next? I've been liber . We're gonna take this city back over medication in an all new season now streaming only on Disney plus. They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them. I can work with that. This should be tons of fun. Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again now streaming only on Disney plus. Study . Come together on a Windows eleven PC, and for a limited time , college students get of both worlds . Get the unreal college deal, everything you need to study and play with select Windows eleven PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft three hundred and sixty five premium, and a year of Xbox GamePass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more at windows dot com slash student offer. Law supplies last ends june thirtieth turns at aka dot mslash college p ot. Bill Cosby tried to choke me to death. Twenty years later, he's a criminal. I could have told you on day one. I feel safe on a state. Give me a group of people and their eyes are shining, but homes are really unsafe. I thought your dad beats up your mom. That's their idea of hi hotel come. The only reason I married my husband was because he doesn't have a mental illness. I didn't really like him that much. He's quite a nice guy . And he had length. He had length . Yes, Ruby . I don't really know if I wanted to know that about it I'll never know it's tall. He's tall. Oh, he's tall. I thought you know it was penis. How did you feel interviewing these people? I thought it was Donald Trump. It was hilarious. You laughed at him going going, I'm to be president one day. I sound like I'm going to be vice president. And then Kerry Fisher was my best friend. I would love to delve it into you and Alan Rickman. Oh yeah, greatest pairing ever. How did that happen? I didn't know that. I was kicked out of TV and they said, Oh, your shows don't sell anymore. Yeah, bullshit. Do you mind me asking you about your depression? No, do you mind me answering it? You try to pretend you are still who you are if somebody comes over and visits but they can',t tell you 're imitating who you are. And then they leave the room and you're gone. I was trying to find meaning, but I ended up in a mental wardrobe, but then suddenly the sun is out and you go, okay, I'm normal again. Have you done everything that you want ed to try before you died? I mean I would like to start actually about your tour coming. Okay , because absolutely famous . Right.s St atart the end of March, I think twenty . Yeah . And are we going to be seeing at this tour? Well, since nobody ever played my videos , my videos, my films that I did in the BBC about thirty years ago . I thought I'll just take them and tour them. So you get to see, you know, Donald Trump, the off cuts. Where is he now? I mean you laughed at him going, I'm going to be president one day that's why I thought it was hilarious like I'm going to be vice president. I thought we were going to share a laugh and he said, I want you out of here. And that's at a height of thirty three thousand feet. So he was a asshole. So you can actually show clips of some of those interviews that you did with stuff that we didn't show. Really and what really happened and who got paid, what? And what the deal was, 'cause there was a moment where this is a long story, but somebody had a heart attack on a flight. We were going to interview Tedammy Fay Baker. And months later I found out and they gave him ibrillation because I was calling it diffibrillation, which is like something to do with female genitalia . Defibrillation has to do . Yes. Look it up . And I've been saying it. Somebody look it up. It has to do with pulling apart your labia . And that's what I was saying . I have no idea like I always say scattal. I'm just gonna give you scattered defibrillation. Yeah , pulling them apart. You know, if they're sticking together , 'cause we all have that problem . Sticky veg . But and also I use scattelogical all the time 'cause I think it means scatty spowel movements . So sometimes my language doesn't help . But anyway, it's defibrill defibrillation . Defibrillate I'm not saying that. Yeah. So they were in the thing and we were filming because you could go in the pilot thing. So I told it we found out the guy didn't have a heart attack. He had he was drunk. He was an old colonel who obviously thought he was it was okay to drink at eight in the morning because his pills said don't drink at all. He had an ulcer. But we found out that he was just drunk. So I said that to Richard Branson when I met him three months later, and he said, never say that again , cos they landed the plane and it costs millions, and then we flew free from then on virgin, upper class, everybody, 'cause he wanted me to keep my mouth shut. But not any more? No, well, now I'm not come and get me, Richard. Come and get me, Rock Donald . I was just wondering, would it be alright if you just subscribed ? Thanks . I've got to say that this is one of we were all discussing you earlier. We had a big pow you were theater? Well, us and not all the girls. how much we love you, but it's because you are fearlessly honest . I don't know that. I just know I can't bullshit because it shows on my face. I mean, if I didn't like you, I'd still be nice to you, but you'd see the eyes were dead. You'd see dead eyes. That's why I can't do a talk show. You know, all the people I interviewed when I didn't like them. It was a disaster like Madonna , it was a disaster, but it's still good television. Yes . You got away with it, but I didn't feel very good. I felt kind of toxic because I don't like fawning. Yes. You know, where you have to be nice . And everything in your body says this isn't working . Well, you don't adapt yourself as you are you . I get you because you're good at reading people . Yeah, but if they don't like me, I've got no cards to do. No because you won't fake I could try it. I tried to be nice to Bill Cosby, but he still tried to choke me to death. That no, honestly, that actually frightened me. Well, I can can you just describe what happened to you that when you first met him because he the greeting was so uncomfortable . Yeah , you twenty years later, he's a criminal. I could have told you on day one. So he sees me. He's got death on his face and he puts his arm around my neck and drags me by my throat. Like literally like a room like that and then made me kneel at his feet for the whole interview calling him Dr. Cause Me and then kept making fake phone calls saying I want her out of here. You know, it was empower play . I think the bill Cosby one was so dark because in retrospect we now know who he is, but you didn't then. Yeah . I mean, what was even sadder, I think, for you was that Bill Cosby was still the sweet , loving, kind. I mean, you said he was so hot . Yeah. Well, he'd done that I spy and they did this family show, what was it called The Hugster Hugstabies? It wasn't the Cosby Show. It was something like the Cosby Show, but he was, you know, he was an image of the great American father and they had something like a hundred million viewers. I mean , everybody loved him, but he was a killer . You know, we just didn't have the Rohypnol along with us for the interview . Everything you said to him or the way you spoke to him , like he just didn't get it. Well, he didn't smell a victim. Yeah . I think he smells somebody who's who he could knock out. Yeah . And same with Trump , I wasn't I wasn't an ovulating female that was hot for him. And they don't know what to do with women like me . Like if I, you know, at one point, I became quite butch with Trump in a scene you don't see. And he told me what he likes to do to women and how much he likes resombs, didn't have the sound on. And I said, yeah, I like to can you say fuck? Yeah . Okay . Well, I like what I like to do with women. So he felt safe because I could crew him out . And then he liked me. God. Yeah, I butched him out . It's so mad, isn't it? Yeah. Once he knew my place, oh she doesn't come on with me because she's into women. Yeah. Oh, I get it now . And you interview viewed Melania . Yeah . She was so into Trump. She thought he was the sexiest thing and sort of said what she lik es about him, how good and bad he is. She was this innocent little and we show her in the video. They were married then, weren't they? No, they weren't. They were just going out. She was just a piece of fluff. Wow. But she was adorable , innocent . And he turned her into whatever she is now. Wow . How did you feel interviewing all these people because some of them would have been quite a frightening interview. Were you always I always wanted to interview those people and I had Arafat lined up and Gaddafi and the BBC said no, you're a comedian . You know, that would have been my idea of a career . So then I thought I'm out of here . But they were more interesting because I never was interested in fame. It really bores me . It does like I like neuroscientists if I'm so turned on. I will straddle them at a dinner table . You could grab a knee straddle them . Or a . Yeah. I was interested because you had an affliction that I had as well that you grew up thinking you weren't smart . Oh , your dad had told you basically that you weren't. Yeah, that was Zack. I still believe it. I still think I'm getting away with it. Ruby? No, no, I really do. I Ruby. Okay, well you might convince me in this moment, but then I'll go home and go Why do you think that is? I think if you're told you're stupid and you get straight ease, it's a big clue something's not right in the state of Denmark so um I wasn't smart as a kid because I was so distracted because there was so much you know mayhem in paradise or not paradise . It's too much mayhem so I couldn't focus on reading because it was just, you know, screaming , which just screaming. So it's hard to focus. So I couldn't read. And when you talk about the screaming, you're talking about your home life . So growing up with your parents was traumatic from the get go, wasn't it? You were an only child. Yeah . They were they were , I don't know what they were screaming about, but the voices were in hysteria mode and they never come . I mean, they didn't have normal voice . And so there was just shouting all the time. And I have nightmares about it too. I still keep thinking they're alive and then I really panic. They're not alive . But their voices were like this. You know, I've stopped talking about it now because I think when people repeat and repeat, you kind of become I start off my career using everything they ever said, which was like Alan Rickman said, use your parents. And so I got kind of well known because their dialogue was so brilliant . And now it sounds like then it's their fault . Yes, you know. And you don't want to do that. I don't want to do it anymore. You know, it's it's gotten itself by date, but you get a you have a scar and the scar gets fainter and fainter , but it's still literally yeah. I thought it was interesting that you did who do you think you are . I did that as well. Oh, would you find that? It was just an amazing experience. Well, I found out that my great grandfather was a witness for Alfred Drefus at the Drefus trial. Really? Yes . That's amazing. French . Yeah, yeah. Policeman. He was the chief of French police and I went to the Jewish Museum with the statue of Alfred Drefus in the cour tyard and Alfred Drefus' great granddaughter walks around in tears going, your great grandfather , Oh my god anyway but that was a good thing to know. Yeah, I mean, like amazing, but I just wanted to ask you about your who do you think you are? Did it help you understand your parents better? I didn't know I came from Austria except their voices were a big clue And why would you talk like this ? I thought you might be from a foreign country or another planet. So they never mentioned any relatives. I said, How come I don't have any relatives? I thought I'd drop from another planet . And then they said, I don't know, I know relatives. There were a couple Americans that got them out of Austria , which they weren't speaking to because they claimed my mother's coat wasn't fake was not real fur. You know what I mean? It's argument. The fur argument went on for twenty years. Of course this is real fur . Bertha, it's not real fur, it's fake. It's FAX Anyway, these people who got her out of Austria wouldn't speak to them because they claimed her coat was fake . So I didn't know about any relatives. So they take me to Austria and then they show me my dad's prison. And he told me he was an aerobics teacher . Yes. Yeah. Meanwhile, he was the one who said told everybody to jump, you know, to keep the noise up so that they could they could sneak things in and out . Yeah, he did. And then the Nazis would come in and they'd say jump like rabbits , you know, and humiliate them . And one of them really liked my dad. So when they were digging ditches, he stood in front of them so my dad could stretch his back. And then he sent covert notes between my dad and my mother they were starting a business and he got caught and he was shot . Shit. And I have some of the postcards. They're speaking in code . Because they wanted to have a business. Anyway, then I had a relative called Max. My mother never mentioned because my son is called Max. Oh wow . And they could have said coincidence. And we went to they were dentists they kept writing to my mother. I thought maybe they didn't say it because they were felt guilty because they never got any relatives out. But I did find out. They wrote and the people said, Oh, please write us an affidavit so we can get out. Then my mom did, but they'd come and the Nazis would change their mind. Then she said three times, back to write us another one. My mother did. They couldn't get out that time. My mother wrote a third one and they locked the do ors and Max and them got exterminated. Oh God. Now wouldn't you think she'd mention that? And then one relative after another, five generations on my mother's side were insane. I hate to use the word insane. They called it agitated , but they were in locked up in institutions . One after the other after the other. The fifth one they said wasn't locked up, but she set the house on fire and the police were after her. So madness, pure madness. And when I was eight years old, I took out a book from the library called This is Mental Illness and I never gave it back. So I must owe ten million by now . But I was always interested in mental and I can see why . And did you take that out because the situation you were living in at home? I did not like that was mad, but as a little kid, you think that's normal. Yes. It's you know , yeah. I thought that's how, you know, your dad beats up your mom. That's their idea of Hi Hotti . Welcome home with the cocktail . He just laid in , but I did that . And me , but now I'm starting to think, did I he also gave me a dollop of did I make this up? Always showing off , always making it up because I would tell people . And finally my aunt Harriet Hamburger, they're all hamburg on the American side saw what was going on and she said she's not making it up . But again, it's over . I just make sure I haven't passed the baton to my kids. I mean, it's interesting because you've just said I want to draw a line under it and I don't massively want to go over it again or any more because it's fueling the fire in a way. But I guess there might have been a bit of your parents that were like we can't talk about what happened in the war like just we've got to leave it behind. I don't think they were their hard. No, I don't think they were that conscious because you meet other people. I've talked to other survivors, you know, they weren't locked up . They escaped because Savvy wasn't in it, you know, they were really smart and they just weren't conscious . These were not evolved people . So I can't say they were so traumatized. They didn't know anything was going on. They just knew to get out of there. And I guess they were just running away from it now. , and then had a great life in America making sausage casings . But it didn't sound like a great life. It sounded absolutely . Yeah, but it was they were so nuts that they thought that was, you know, it's not like my mom would suddenly break character . It was like that all the time. Had they been in Vienna, they'd be like that too. That's what people said. Madness is madness When I was kind of going digging in deeper to you , there's a word that kept coming up in my heart really safety , that I don't know how you felt safe or where you found safety . Did you feel unsafe? I still am unsafe. Right. I very rarely unless I have a small room that I can lock myself in, then I feel safe so institutions , monks rooms , I have a little nano house where I write. I can see everything. I can see the kitchen. I can see where everything is and I can lock the door. Then I'm safe, but in my house, there's too many hallways there's too many I'm scared . And of course that's a scar, but you should see how far I've come. Yeah . Yeah, I've come far . But I don't feel completely safe at home. Are you still hoping to get there? I feel safe on a stage . Do you? Yeah . Isn't that mad? Yeah. What makes you feel safe ? Because I'm being held by people who go understand me instead of just free falling through space with two people who think I'm some foreign object. They used to think my films were about how crazy I was You know, they'd roll their eyes and go She's a mother murderer, she's insane. Both of them claimed I was. And that's exactly how you pass it to your kid is that you know, if one of 'em gives you dead face and they're really sick the baby or the child thinks it must be me because these people are saving me. So it was classic but I've really come far . It sounds like I'm so fucked up, but I've come far. It was interesting that because obviously you've gone deep into psychology, neuroscience, you love all things mental health , but you did start a course at university in psychology, but you gave that up after a year. What happened there because you got so interested in it later on in life ? Well, you couldn't you couldn't see a person's brain at work. You could only study a corpse and you know, I wanted to eat lunch again. So I didn't go into it . But I was , you know, I was stoned most of the time and I was wild. You know, I'd go to private airports and hitchhike so I could get to San Francisco. Shut up. Yeah , I go to private ly. Yeah. You're so ballsy. I was ballsy. I'd say where are you guys going? And they'd say hop on . And then I'd hitch I could cross America by myself. Nobody chopped me up. Where did that come from that come from? Because we were just talking about not feeling safe. I know you put yourself in the path of what I would see. I feel really safe in dangerous situations. Isn't that weird? When I did that, I'm a thing . Yeah, yeah, I felt really safe. It was one of the safest places yeah. Wow . Yeah, but homes are really unsafe. Homes . Okay, so you okay. Yeah, I get it. Yeah . But give me a group of people and their eyes are shining and they hear me, then I'm home . It doesn't matter where it is. It could be on an airplane . Just give me a group and they all approve that all I' needs . So that was the attraction of drama school . Well, I thought I could be I was an ugly kid, really ugly, so my dad would take me out with famous comedians. I don't know how he knows I'll just say something as well. What? You're so tough on yourself, aren't you? I know I am . But I know how good I am too. Yeah . When I'm good, I'm good. Yeah. I'm trying out my show tonight. It's, you know, until it's perfect , I don't really like myself much. But when it gets good, you know it's good. Oh yeah, you can say. I can say now it's good. I did a good job. It takes a while. Because saying you were an ugly kid, that's quite a tough thing to say about yourself. Well, they said, you know, and I was, I was, you know Tusks and they told you all kinds. I know I really was. You know, I can see not blind . It was an ugly child and kind of gormless in the teeth and wearing an alpinian what's that? Like a Swiss outfit my mother Swiss with the later holes. Yeah, love later . Love them. I mean , good little dresses. Yeah, really good to send kids to go to high school dress like that. They didn't. A sheep, a sheep herder. Yeah . And I had no friends . Also, I was only speaking German. So your parents brought you up speaking . Speaking of German, yeah. So not a good first day. So you're completely bilingual . Kinda. Amazing. Yeah , but, you know I thought the whole neighborhood was were refugees , which was interesting, but all hysterical. These people , it's already hysterical , you know , but they're funny too. That makes a great sense of humor. Is that what gave you your sense of? My dad was hilarious, but at the mercy of other people, vicious . So it kind of gave me my sense of humor. My mother had nothing. It was just dried and angry You said the word dried. It's just made me remember absolutely fabulous. Oh, the magical . Oh my god, can I I don't think I missed that and I really feel like I always credit Mariela Frostrom and Kirsty Wart with starting the menopause conversation. I'm sorry you, guys started it way before anybody were very , you know, I was playing Beth Dwoody . Yeah . But I'd never, like you were talking about drive vaginas, testosterone implants. Like I was like, oh my god, you guys were talking about it early doors and nobody was talking about it . But we talked about everything and you can in quote comedy . But people think it's comedy . So it's not the conversation not for comedy is the most intelligent way of communicating , but it's still taken as something lightweight. It's the serious thing and then you twist it into comedy, but I didn't realize we were talking of course we were. It was a menopause workshop. It was really funny . I mean, when looking back now what we know now and how little anybody knew then yeah I didn't realize Yeah . gu Andess what? A years later, I was asked around that time and I was young as to be the face of vaginal dryness . Did you know that? And they said, We can offer you three thousand to five thousand pounds. And I wrote back and I said , please just three . It's the honor of doing it. And I said, But I demand when I go on radio shows, I have sandpaper that I use before I enter. They realized I was taking the face . But Jenny A Claire ended up doing it . I think we'd have to look into that . The face of a Ginal Drynon. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It's so funny how often my PR guy like who organizes press and everything , it was a joke before I got menopausal, it was the big joke of like trying not to say the word vagina. I just like almost in every interview I did I would somewhere drop the word vagina in and he'd be like, Oh my God, she's done it again. God . And then the big ger joke was when I started working in the menopause sphere and it became totally normal for me to use the word not only vagina but with dry before it even better . Yeah . Well that makes sense like oh god not funny but it is funny you know it is what happened and we all just have to kind of get on with it . But the other thing I couldn't believe was that you guys were talking about testosterone . And I only found out about that a few years ago that testosterone levels go down in women and you were talking about it in that sketch that obviously women were taking it then , but it wasn't licensed, I don't think, or maybe it was licensed. We were so in the dark. Yeah, it was amazing. And for depression, I take it . Yeah I, have but like a beard on my stomach. Yeah, so do you rub it on your stomach? Well, now I do it on my legs. Yeah, 'cause I had to shave my stomach. Yeah, it's like you got to change it around sometimes . Do you take it? Oh yeah. I mean, I take I was on too much at the beginning. Oh , so you work well, I was just like frisky, like, it was horrific. I felt like I knew what it felt like to be a young man. Really? So when I was just like looking over there, thinking and my mind went like blank like a computer does, my screensaver was sex . Right. When my mind went blank, the screen saver that came up was shagging. Like wow. And when you cut it down, it stopped. Yes, that did. Like it wasn't, oh how did you stop . But I was I'd had, after four months, I had a blood test and they said okay, this is too much for you. We're going to halve it . And that was much better. I don't want to I actually didn't like how it felt it was too much. Right . But even with half, I feel the benefits of it, which is being more on it. I can't quite expl ain it, but being more to walk into a room like I used to and go, I know what I'm doing da da da. This is the meeting. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Well, I can't tell because I've been on things so long. How long have you been on testosterone? Oh Oh, I can't tell because I took it for depression. Yes. I didn't take it for the regular menopause. No, yeah. Maybe thirty years . This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. I am desperate to get to Greece. Can you blame me? I'm in Greek salad, ocean swims, maybe a donkey or two. Michael and I want to take the whole blended family on holiday this summer and when I told my team they all, started laughing because Sally, one of the brilliant people I work with, is also desperately keen to go to Greece. Get this, she's gonna host her home in London on Airbnb while she's off holiday and stayinging at an Airbnb in Greece. How's that for strategic? So Sally's hosted before and she said to me that it is just a really totally easy way of earning some extra money on the side, especially when her home's just sitting empty when she's on holiday. So all she has to do is make her place available for the dates that suit her and off they go, the money that they make from hosting gets put into a pot for their next trip . So have you ever thought about hosting on Airbnb? I'll not give it a go . Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much it's worth at airbnb. co. uk slash host . Our sponsors are Paramount Plus have sent me a peek at their new original series The Madison Press play Jeremy I'm so excited Go . You know at night look at the scenery The bull elk come down to the river and bugle and it drives the lady elk. Oh my god, already stop, Kurt Russell still got it. wife looks epic. She looks so good. The worry is what you do next . I know you are hurting. Wait, stop. I'm gonna cry a lot, aren't I? I think it's gonna be one of those ones. I'm gonna be howling. I have a very small window to feed this . Yes, that's a wide field . Yes. You know one of those dramas where you just go Yes at the television. It's gonna be that. I can tell already. If you like Begin again, you're gonna like this because there are life stories that we will all recogn and be able to relate to. I'm scrapping all my plans for tonight. I'm going to watch this non stop because the Madison is streaming right now on Paramount Plus. Get on it. Can I ask you about your depression . Experience a membership that backs your business journey with American Express Business Platinum . When you pay with membership rewards points for all or part of an eligible flight booked with a qualifying airline through Amex Travel , you can get thirty five percent of those points back, up to one million points back per calendar year. American Express Business Platinum. There's nothing like it. Terms apply. Learn more at AmericanExpress. com slash business platinum . So how did that manifest itself or how did you realize that you had it at first ? I think for people watching , like there might be quite a few people who have symptoms but aren't entirely sure those normal little voices you know that say you're an idiot, she doesn't really like you. You know, the normal everybody has a track record going through them of negative usually . And I know why. I mean, that's why I studied the brain because I wanted to feel better about myself and realize this isn't everybody and why you know , evolutionary wise, there's a reason for most things , but our brains aren't equipped to deal with now . They're very equipped to deal with back then . So instead of just the usual, you know, but I've learned how to deal with them , not that they go away. It's just it's more like a scar that's fading . Is it becomes a hundred thousand of those voices that are coming so that are just as if you're in jail and somebody's screaming at you or you're in hell more. Like I always say if the devil had dourets, that's what it would sound like. It's just screaming so that you're limp now and helpless. There's if you lift your hand, the voices are saying you idiot, you lifted your hand. You idiot, you stupid idiot. Do you think you're lifting your hand for a reason? It's just screaming in a man's voice. And so every and then eventually it's so loud and your head feels like it's being filled with petrol which is the cortisol. I can actually feel it and then it's dead. There's nothing it's like in the beginning of that beat album works , doom, doom, doom do that noise. It's white noise now and you're unable to move and everything gets really slow and you try to pretend you are still who you are if somebody comes over and visits, but they can't tell you're imitating who you are. You're doing a rough approximation . And then they leave the room and you're gone . So people think it's sad or people think it's morning. You're dead. You might as well be dead. And people say, I've in my show , I always have the second half question and answer. And I've had people with cancer and depression stand up. Quite a few. And I always say which is worse. They always say the depression because you get no sympathy . You know, if you could wear a headscarf for depression , well we still might not get it because they think it's your imagination . But it's as black and white as somebody Luce Wilport said what thoughts are to depression, a tumor is to cancer. Your thoughts are sick. Yes, okay. Yeah Did you have you ever said that you're bipolar? I'm not bipolar. You're not No I know it says people say are you bipolar? No somebody I read somewhere but I wanted to ask you if you thought you were because I know I've never gone . I've never set my hair. But you have depression. Yeah, yeah. It just goes down. The elevator just goes down. How often does it come ? Well, I thought it was coming a few days ago. So I have this thing called RTMS, which is repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation. It's it used to be ECT where they shot electrodes. Now it's magnets. So it's not harmful. It goes it looks like a fifties hair dryer It kind of bangs against her head, but it's not too painful and it's to recalibrate the neurons. If they got stuck, it makes them dance again. Oh my god, that's amazing. And I took twenty sessions in a row the last time I really had it, and I could feel the sun coming out. Wow. You know when you're well, it's not like, you think this is well or not? And it's slow. It builds. Yeah . So you can't tell. Yes. But then suddenly the sun is out. Yes. And you go, okay, I'm normal again . And when you go into it, it's so slow that you think, Oh, I see, this is what aging is like. And you think, has somebody possessed me ? But you can't talk to anybody coming now. I notice it coming. Yeah . And you can prevent it getting too far because you can stop it. A couple times, but it may catch me by surprise. I mean, it is a beast . And how like in a year, how often would you get down? Oh, I could go I used to go five years. Oh okay. So you really thought it was your imagination . Now it's a little more often . Why is that? I don't know. Your body gets weaker . I mean, it scares me because it's around the corner . But when I'm me, I'm me. You know, I say on stage, how are you? And I go, You think I'd be sitting here ? But if you have depression, you better get on antibiotic depressants because it's all we've got . And then they say it'll be mushrooms . Well, the thing about mushrooms is if you're on SSRI's, you can't take them. So what was the point of that? So you'd have to come off the SSRI? Yeah. And I tried to do my last book and I ended up in a mental ward. Really? Yeah . I was doing in the last book, I was trying to find meaning so it was a little tongue in cheek. I did these extreme things, but I ended up in a mental ward and it looked like I was criticizing those things , whereas their life changing ? But if you come off your medication, you're back to square one . And how long can people stay on SSRIs for? Well, I've been on it over thirty years. Okay. Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever get off unless they improve those mushrooms. Yeah . I mean, that is quite interesting the old psilocybin therapy that have had profound changes in their life from doing therapy where they are with a psychologist in a room and they go on a guided Yeah . But this idea of coming off the SSRIs for someone like you've been on it for thirty years, that's pretty scary, right? I don't know withdrawals from an SSRI? Well, your brain can't take it. You know, me without those is somebody really you know, on my dad's side my mom's side was nuts. My dad's side , we're supposed to be having fun is suicides . So I come from a legacy that's really dangerous . So that's why I married my husband because he doesn't have it I checked the yeah I checked it so my kids don't have it. That's a miracle . So before you had kids, you made sure that Ed had no family . I checked it. The only reason I married him was because he was clear. I didn't really like him that much. He's quite a nice guy . And he had length. He had length . Yes, Ruby . I don't really know if I wanted to know that about Ed. I'll never know . He's tall. Oh he's tall. I thought you' didnd know about his penis. No, no. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him again. Cry a lady. I wouldn't say that. No, he had long legs. And so my children have long legs. Where did my rhine go? Where it went? I wouldn't I think lower the testosterone. Lower the testosterone again. It's too high. It's too high. Oh God , I'm so embarrassed. Okay Yes, okay was aware were we? So you and Ed are quite the thing because I read and I feel like this about me and Michael. We spend a lot of time together and we're absolutely nuts about each other but spending time apart is really good . I love it makes me part . Yeah it makes me miss him . I'm always apart now. You know, we are really quite separate lives. Yeah, separate lives because you grow you grow you, get different interest s . How it's the chances of keeping the same interests ? So I went down into below the radar with meditation and he's in the world of television, whereas television is my allergy . Yes. Yeah . It's my allergy. If I get near that, the cortisol starts filling up. It was interesting because television was your savior, like yeah . And now it's something else. What happened? I think you mature. Yeah . Your brain gets wiser, like I'm lucky. There's an expression that says at a certain point you can turn into wine or vinegar after about fifty. Oh, I love that. That's good, isn't it? And so I really got interested in meditation, mindfulness , and I think that means you're really interested in digging down . And that's really my interest . I don't want to have I don't do small talk . I mean, you know, I'll be funny, you know, especially if I know that's called for , but my real interest is when you speak below the radar. Yes. Yeah. And this podcast is called Begin and Again I'm always thinking about how can people change something in their life that will enable them to on their deathbed go. I really did looking how to go. Yeah . I tried I tried . Exactly. I tried. And but you did. I mean, you are like you're doing. Well, I did . I did. I mean, yeah, I was I was kicked out of TV , more or less. I could have kicked my way back in. So what do you mean by that? Well after Ruby meets . Yeah, I was doing like there was a great show Boys with Toys where we were raced to Russia.. Yeah So that was my last show. I wouldn't say that was a dude. And then Alan Yental, who's dead , took over my slot, well, my Sunday night slot. I can't fight that. No. And they said, Oh, your shows don't sell any more. Yeah, bullshit. But the point is, I'm really grateful because that means you have to find another creature. Yes. And boy did I try a few things in my little skirt. I went around trying to sell bags that I designed , you know, the ultimate bag woman. I tried everything. Got, you know, I tried to be a coach because I knew coaches made five hundred dollars instead of shrink, you know, and I had got my degree in being a shrink . But we just talk about that. Just tell us what degree you got? I got a degree in psychotherapy . So I had to do from regions . I had to do four hundred hours. I did two hundred. Yeah. I did two hundred So good. Well it was interesting. We didn't be proud of that. What an achievement. And how old were you at this point when you become a shrink? You become a shrink when you're about a good one. Yeah. Late forties. Yeah You were in late forties . No, I was in my fifth fifties, yeah. But they were it starts then. Romenopause, people start getting interested in therapy , the wild shores of menopause. Suddenly they're interested in somebody else's mind because theirs has taken a holiday. How was the menopause for you I thought I was , well, I took that medication , the squirting stuff. I always do things early because I don't want to like childbirth, I just didn't I said cut me open. I don't want to have one contraction. I had one that was enough. So with menopause, I started using that stuff when I was suspicious , so I never really had it God help me when I get off it. Are you ever going to get off it? I don't know. They said you can only do it till fifty five . Well, that's not true. eight hundred years later you can do it for as long as you want. Yeah, so that my bones are really good. Yeah. And your brain. My brain is good. Yeah . I'm not saying that if you don't do it, it won't be, but not because I don't know it's not my different. Yeah. I would love to delve in a little bit into you and Alan Rickman. Oh yeah greatest pairing ever . How did that happen ? I saw him in Edinburgh and I was so over excited . But I'm sexually really backward 'cause my dad was weird about it. So about sex. Yeah, about the whole thing. Did he shame you about it? Yeah, really badly. And kind of suggested things. But what do you mean by that s?ort Well kind of mentioned how juicy I looked at a certain God creepy and made me sleep in bed with him. He didn't do anything. I don't think unless I have a false gone open and have a false but, it was weird. You know, they always were unhealthy. Unhealthy . So I'm really moronic with men. I never came on to them and so they didn't come on to me. It was kind of late in the day and I was married to two homose xuals . Yeah, so you married two men who well they were for work permits. Right. But one of them I really tried, but you know , we have the same taste and genitalia I found out because I found all this mail porn under the way. As tough as it's tough . And I loved him . But and I was safe. It wasn't safe with heterosexuals . So at the RSC, I met Rickman and I, well, first I met him, not at the RSC, and I swore I'd be best friends with this guy. Like I did that with Carrie Fisher too. There's a moment where I'm driven Wait , sorry, you were best friends with Carrie Fisher. Yeah, for thirty five years. The front door, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, there you go. She didn't research that one. Yeah, she was my best friend . Oh yeah, that's Mega She was a Mega Woman. She was a mega. What a wow, you two together. Oh, it was a girl. And we were gonna be old lesbians together. We had our house design. We had rocking chairs. We were holding shotguns. Amazing. In case anybody came . We were angry. That's a film. That's a film. Yeah, but we we, you know, used to sleep together in bed. Yeah, brilliant. I mean, we loved each other. Ah , unless she was too timing me, maybe she had another best friend. No, no, no, but I interviewed her and in the show that I'm gonna do, you see the moment where we fall in love . There's a moment where she clicks and says, Let's go shopping and everything in my body switched on like I tapped dance mentally. So same for Rickman, I saw him and I said, That one's mine. He wasn't famous. Then we both got into the World Shakespeare company. I played some seawater and he played Jakeweez. But then I did get jobs as winches. I was a great winch. So there's winches and as you like it and in Loves Labor's Lost anywhere there's a winch, I was the winch. He absolutely loved you as well. He loved you. I just thought you were Well, he said right the way you talk . So he made me right and he just and then he'd do it for me and he's much funnier than I am. So he trained me for thirty five years. How amazing? And now I'm bereft. I have no replacement He was my like everything. Have you ever done that for someone else? I was never that clever . He was clever. No, I mean who would I take under my wing ? My children won't take any notes from me. I tell them if they don't need to. I give them they are hilarious. Really? Yeah, your girls are so funny. Yeah, but in a different way. Yeah. But this is what's so lovely. They've got their own flavor. I'll say siblings 'cause they'll be Yeah, siblings, siblings. Siblings, Ruby's daughters, siblings. Are amazing. They've got a comedy duo called Siblings. Thank you. And they are absolutely hilarious . Like carnage, chaotic. Chaotic And different from you, but there is the same sort of rebelliousness . Yeah, they tear up the Yeah, they tear up the rule book. But they do, they're English, they speak English and then they do characters, which I could never do because I don't have a good ear, clearly 'cause I'm still talking like this. But you do some characters though. Oh, in my show, but they're so grotesque. Yeah. They're funny. I do the English. Yeah, they're very good. Thank you. Yes, ple asure. Okay guys , I need you in my beginning again gang. Listen , it's the most funnest, most awesome club in the whole world and I want you to be part of it. So when you sign up to our newsletter , you get all the bits that I don't share anywhere else . Things that I'm loving, what I'm reading, my favourite outfits , some of the most gorgeous begin again stories that you've sent in. I actually really love reading those. It's one of my favorite parts of the week. And the really fun bit is I will also share some begin again secrets like what guests we've got coming up and you'll know before anyone else does. Don't tell everyone . So come and join the best gang ever. The link's right below and it just takes five seconds and it's free. Oh, I've got something to show you . We printed this out . Oh my god. Remember that? Yes. Here, look, have a look . Movie wax for me, definitive and irrepressible Jackinet a, never simply a bit of routine peasantry. How good is that? Yep I'm keeping that. That's getting really take it . Stratford actors definitive . Well that's where's my picture? There's no picture . You see, it's never good enough. All right, I'm keeping gray. Yep . I was a good wedge. Yeah, yeah. And I had I look good in a corset. Yeah . Those breasts were perfect.ry P,er perky. Well, working it, working it. But then after a while you were like, I want to try something else. How did you get to become ruby wax ? How did that happen? It was easier in those days because I think they put me with French and Saunders and then I was supposed to write for them, but we came up with girls on top because they had the young ones and we thought, well, we'll do the female version. So we wrote for two years laughing like maniacs and just eating all the time. Never thought it would go on TV, and then there it was. And my husband directed it. And I was late in the day I had two eggs left, so I said, Would you please fertil meized and that's pretty much my story . You asked him to marry you, didn't you? What? Did you ask her to marry? Yes. Men didn't really go for me. Gay men fall for me , but straight guys didn't really go. So you were like, you had to ask. I had to ask. Yeah . And he was going out with somebody, but Dawn went up to the girl and went scram and then waited outside the door until we consummated. It wouldn't open the door until we consummated with me. Is that serious? Nottingham? Yeah. Oh my God, that's amazing. What was she like? Did she cheer or something after she's heard that she just got rid of the girlfriend at the last night party woke up and she scrambled and then locked us in a room and said You're not coming on until you consummate She knew how to take care of me. But you and Ed , even though you are leaning separate lives , you are good friends. Yeah, we're good friends. He lets me do what I want. I think that's hitting bull's eye. And there's deep love there. I guess. Yeah, yeah. I guess if you let somebody be completely free . Yes. I mean months go by and I'm in different countries because I like the new . Some people could call it running , but I love the new, you know, where the environment switch es, switches, switches, and you have to make new friends. And then that becomes my people say, I have three kids and I go, You have three kids? And then my girlfriend said, So do you ? I forgot . I forgot . You're married, you've got three kids, but you still love being alone going on adventures . I don't like being alone, but I like forming communities . When I go, I'll make a community because I can for some reason. And that's my reality. So I just was in Costa Rica teaching mindfulness with John Kevin Zin and Jack Hornfield. These are the big boys. I would that's who those are those are my rock stars and Bessel Vanderkok who wrote Body Keep Yes, Esther Parell, they all go to Costa Rica to teach . So I was teaching too . Now I know that's landing from another planet into something that's unbelievable. And so I made friends there. And during the month, if you said, Where did I live? I'd say here . Just like in the jungle, I said this is where I live, these are my friends . My God, there's so much I want to talk to you about. You've just mentioned the jungle. What was that like ? Were you surprised at how much you kind of enjoyed it? No I thought I would. I thought I didn't really see the show before, so I kept saying to Ging, are we live? And he goes, I mean, we're always live. Let's just talk about you and Ging er. Right. So cute. Were we cute? Oh my god. Yeah. Like such good friends. Unexpected friendship. I think for him in particular, he was like, Oh my God, I love this woman. Yeah , I think they felt, do you think this is amusing that I said, why do you like me so much? Like because I'm cool or 'cause I'm really attractive and he said, No, you remind me of my nan . Now, I'm sorry, that was really upsetting because I thought they'd say you're the coolest person we've ever met. That's what I do when somebody comes up to me and goes, Oh, my mum loves you. Oh yeah, I get my grandmother . Yeah . Yeah, before . But it's lovely . I think when you meet a whole new bunch of people that really almost don't know anything about you . They've got no history with you or . I don't know who I am. No, no, no, I have no idea I was like , I just walked off the street. Yeah. So first of all, I told him get out of my light and everybody went, Oh, how can she talk to somebody like that? And he loved the abuse . Some men just because to me, that's flirting. It's the only way I know you just like with them over and over again and treat them like shit and they love it. You know, listening to your life and what you've been through and the beginnings of it and the sort of chaos and the moving around. And then how did you come to be fascinated by mindfulness? Like what made you think oh this is something I'd like to experiment with. Who did you meet or? I was in the institution and I already was a psychother apist and they told me to leave because I missed too many because I was in that state of not being able to move. And they said, Oh, you'll have to start over again. This is after I got my degree but I was going for a master's . So I thought, okay, I panicked. So I said, And take me to mindfulness because I knew it was free. Once you learn it, you don't have to pay for shirts. Yes. And that was my only stipulation. And I was curious so he took me from the institution. I was in my pajamas. When you say institution, do you mean I mean treatment center? Nightingale. Yeah . Yeah, clinic. What do you call it? Mental clinic? A clinic? A clinic . Yeah, well, I wasn't even my nails on. Clinique . Lu clinique, the mental asylum. Lum p So and did they tell you about that there Matt Mindfulness ? No, I just heard about it. Yeah. So Ed picked me up. I was in my pajamas. I went to a course and I said, This is really interesting, but I want to know what happens neurologically because I don't have time for this. You know, I'm not sitting and breathing. And if you teach it wrong, that's what it looks like, another woo woo thing. So I said, Who invented this or who brought it from the East? And they said, Mark William s. So he was teaching at Oxford. So in my pajamas , with a coat over it, I got on a bus and went to Oxford. You went on a bus, a bus. In your pajamas , with a coat over it, that's how Ied travel. 'Cause I was in there for five months at that time. Forgot , what a life really people in the institution in Le Clinique said, God, you're so brave 'cause I put my lipstick on. I thought near my mouth around my eye . It's close . So I got I was wearing, you know, pajamas, they look like clothes, but I just couldn't get dressed. But I could get on that bus. And I found Mark Williams and I said , goes What on in the brain ? I went to where he was working and said he said, I'll teach you how to do mindfulness. He took mercy on me . And so he taught me mindfulness , sometimes coming to my cl oset in London. I don't know why he did that. But he sold something in your he must have done and then he said you have to get into Oxford . And so boy did I give an interview . Boy did I interview and I said, If you don't let me in, I'm to study your masters to do my masters and study neuroscience. I said, You guys don't matter and that is like getting a man. You guys don't matter. So I was in. And then it was that's where I thought mindfulness is interesting because you could see what happens in a brain scanner, exactly what you're exercising . And it has the same results for medication. And I mean, I know this sounds a bit of a stupid question, but I'd be really interested to hear your take on exactly what mindfulness is. You know, people think, Oh, it's you sit down, you don't think of an but like what is it? Well, it's, you know, when you go to the gym and you lift a weight and you get a bicep , so this is it for the mind. Right. But you have to understand that when you there's certain parts like the alarm, the amygdala is aroused and we live in a continual state of arousal, continuous. We have no way of coming down. Yes. So that part is activated. There's another part when you send focus into your body called the insul a. I'm making it easy . When you sense something or you feel your ass on the chair or you feel your feet on the ground or you're doing pilates or something and you're in your body instead of just competing with the next person. You're in it and you can feel it. When you're in that state of sensing inside , another part gets activated. The amygdala can't be activated at the same time. Right. So the other part, like you can't hear something. Like when you really listen and think at the same time. So you're tricking your brain . So you get used to kind of going into the body. The thoughts will take over, they have to. People go, I can't stop thinking. You're supposed to , but you bring the focus back to that sense, like breathing. The thoughts come, you bring it back. And every time you do that, you need the thoughts , it's like lifting a barbell , so that insulin and other areas in the brain gets thicker and thicker , like you can say it's muscle, but it's neurons, it's neural growth. And when you have growth in those areas, it means you're more proficient at doing certain things like focusing your attention, like bringing you down your cortisol, even there's a shit storm around you because people say, Oh, I jog or I play golf. Well, if somebody's giving you hell or your kids are screaming , you're going to start jogging . So when I'm in the situation I can, pull down my cortisol only because I exercise certain parts . And it's going back and forth, thoughts back to the sense, thoughts back, even two minutes a day, those parts will get if you do five situps a day, it'll take long er to get a six pack , but eventually you'll have it. So people say, How long does it take? We'll do three minutes a day , but it's a specific exercise. It isn't just sitting there breathing. You're training your body like you would a wild animal, like you would a child having a hissy fit. You're training it. You're giving it an anchor. Otherwise your thoughts will think about thoughts, they'll think about thoughts when we ruminate and that's what wipes us out. That's what Frazzled means. Frazzled doesn't stress. It means stress about stress. And that's a new disease is that I go, Oh shit, I shouldn't be like this. Nobody else's. Divida has everything going. I don't. And the story will never end. It'll never end, but I think if you're a little more I hate the word mindfulness, but if you're a little more conscious or aware, you'd think let me call my c ortisol down, look at her in the eyes and think we're both human . But you can only I can only see you like or see what you see if I'm cool . Yes. If my mind is gambling too much, we're just talking super ficially. Yes. You did a book with Jillong, didn't you? Subdun. Gilong. Gilong. Yeah, I call him Oh my God, I call him Jilong. Really? Yeah. He'll answer anything . What a guy. What a guy. I love that man. Yeah . He lives in, he lived in my house for five years. You're joking? No. And I picked him up at a conference and I said, I'm begging you to come live with me. And I said, 'Cause you match my sofa. And I used to put him on my red sofa and we'd just see his head floating there. It was hours of fun . And then I got, you know, it's like having a smudge stick living at my house. And he laughed we laugh . Nobody's as outrageous as him. No one . He's wild . But I like him because he has all that amazing energy and sense of self and calmness, but he's also a normal person. Yeah. But hilarious. That funny? Like you wouldn't expect that of a well he's disciplined. You know, if I did one month of silence, which already is a killer . He did five. You've done a month of Sang ? Yeah. Have you? Yeah . In a silent retreat. Oh , not just silent doing thirteen hours of meditation. Yeah, that's a goal for me . It's hardcore . But your mind in the beginning is an it's gonna savage you. And if you left during that point , good luck , it's savaging you. But it gets louder and louder and louder , but because you're anchoring yourself with the mindfulness, it doesn't slip into depression. It keeps coming back, but it's hell, keeps coming coming back to the anchor, mind, hell, hell, hell, everything. And about a week in, it finally gets exhaust ed and then you start to taste food for the first time. I had an affair with a digestive . I had an affair with a digestive . I couldn't believe what because you're not talking to anybody anymore. You're not going, What do you do for a living? Or you know, you're sitting at the table, you're completely present because now you're tuned in. The thoughts are still there, but they're more oy are you a jerk? They're like firecrackers that can't go off, just vague . Just really silent, try still trying to get you, but you can't hear the end of the sentence and then they give you a digestive . I took a bite and my head was flung backwards. I couldn't believe the taste. And I saved it in my shoe. It took me a week to eat it. And then I ran into the kitchen once. I lost my silence . This is a three weeks in and I said, How did you make this egg ? And they went with an egg . But you'd watch spiders making spider webs going, oh my God, 'cause everything becomes fascin ating . In the beginning that's present being present like in the most colors Mindfulness is something that I think would benefit most people . Not everybody. No. Why not? I just think we're all different fingerprints, you know, so what's good for me, you know, isn't good for the next person . And if you really hate it, don't do it because the ultimate ultimate thing is to be the reason you're bringing your focus back to the sense, back to the sense is you gotta do it with kindness because otherwise you're just exasperating the mind and it'll go you come back, you idiot, you just went off. Well, you're supposed to go to thinking. But if you do it like gently with a dog that's wild , it'll sit in your lap. So you learn to be nice or compassion I used to say to Mark Williams, I can't say the C word. Compassionate is like a little greeting card. Compassionate being the C word. Yeah, I love that . Yeah, I can't say it. And now I can say it. But he said, The fact that you can sit and do mindfulness even for three minutes, he said, that 's compassion. The fact that you do that to your body. But you know, people are so in, you know, I was saying that people in this country when I first got here weren't even brushing their teeth and now everybody's in the gym trying to get, you know, bs underreath their arms. Well, that'll get you a hotter date, but the brain exercise makes you live longer. Have you done everything that you wanted to try ? Have you kept your side of the street clean ? Who do you need to make amends to? I mean, I know I have dirt in the corners that I need to sweep out or get out , you know and I'm not there . But I've done everything I wanted to do and sort of gone everywhere . So I don't feel frustrated in that and tried everything . I mean, there's a bit of me that's really decadent, not sexual . I see that. Yeah, decadent . Yeah. And I'm very loose morally . That's not my that's not I'm, not saying that's the dirt. No, but do you find that's getting worse? Because I find that I'm getting like more Miriam Margolis by the minute, like I'm like I don't give a shit anymore what people think of me, which is not how I felt my twenties thirty's or my thirties . No, that's lessening . But I have FOMO and I only have FOMO when I'm in London. That's why I like being out of here. There's a bit of me that my heart breaks when somebody does better than me. I can't go on social media. I pay for somebody because I'm competitive and that disgusts me. But I hope before I die, I can go I had , you know, it doesn't bother me. I mean, I've done so much more than people who are just in show business and yet I think there's a resentment that I've been kicked out. Right. But if you gain my BBC, yeah, yeah. On the other hand, if I was still there, I'd be kicked out by now anyway. Or what would I be doing? But look , in a funny kind of way when something like a big organization that you've worked with for decades, let's go you or that you leave . I mean it was a kind of two way thing, wasn't it, really? But that you look what you went off and did mindfulness. Oh yeah, no, no, when I think of it as somebody else, I think, wow, how do you do that? But I don't like that I have FOMO and I don't like that I'm loose morally and any other things that you want to sort out before you die. Fomo , loose morally, and being able to be feel safe where I'm standing. How is that going to happen? Well, I'll work on it . That's my next job . If I can do that, then I can die. I also volunteered to be a I work at a hospice so that I can be near it . I can be near death. Oh, can I just say something ? What? That's so weird. When I retire , I'd like to be a death dueler. I went on a course . You didn't? Yeah. The first day ? I did. Oh my god how funny is that? The last few months. I know . Yeah . What an honor to be with someone and to be able to help them. What an honor. Yeah. What an honor. Yeah . No, I did it. Have I been with people when they've died I was with Rickmann. Oh were you ? That's so beautiful. That's such a hole. I mean, I'll never get over that one. When did he die? Ten years ago. Yeah, it's really tough time. I'll never get him . And Carrie . Yes . Well, top those acts . So I feel privileged to be around people who are dying . So I worked in the Marsden a long time ago and they let me take people out , you know, to take them to get drinks and things because they're dying . And now it's at St. St. George's Yes. But I have because of my tour and stuff, I can't get there a lot , but when they do let me yeah, that's I wouldn't say my happy place, but I feel like I can give him some life, but anyway that's what I do. And if I didn't tour so much, I'd do it more. So listen, before we finish, I just wanted to is there another yeah, there's another little hand. Oh a little card a little card, I want you to read it out loud. Please, okay. From Alan's niece, Sarah . No one could make Alan laugh the way that Ruby did. He marveled, adored, and usually admired her. His death was devastating for so many , but despite dealing with her own unfathomable grief, she was still there for Rema, caring for her in the aftermath like only she could. Ruby was Allen's best friend, and I'm grateful for the deep friendship she still has with Rema. It is a beautiful thing . If I could cry , I'd cry , but can't cry . Thank you. That's really beautiful. Ruby , I have such profound respect for you. Thank you. You're an amazing woman. What a role model. Well, to keep reinventing yourself and to never stand still I know that like you can't help here it's impossible for you to stand still immoral. Yeah but I really I look up to you. It's very nice. Wow. To have someone to look up to. Thank you. Yeah . And thank you for living such a brilliant life and sharing it with us today. Thank you. Let's hope I can be alive. I'm coming over to hug you while you're sitting. Okay, yeah, let's give it a round of applause everybody . Thank you . So just in case you miss this episode here , if you love this episode, I know you're going to love that