Cousin Council Advice and Closing Thoughts

Get away from me, I didn't hear I think you gotta be stabbing I don't even love a sh but I ain't no damn tuna fish or bread. Welcome to the Bloodline Banter, I'm Riley. And I'm Landon. And we're glad you came back. Hopefully you'll stay around a little while. This is an upgrade. It's been a long time coming from um lawn chairs in uh my basement. Wal lawn chairs from Walmart. We couldn't even go to Academy Sports and Outdoors. We went straight to the sporting goods of the Walmart. And they creaked every time we made a move. And they but they did have a cup holder on the side and I thought that was kind of high class Killbilly. But now we have fancy um chairs that look aerodynamic and they came from Wayfair, you got just what I need . Shru . So they're comfortable. They are. They're also not from Wayfair. Oh. They're also not from Wayfair. Well But our our table is. So anyway came to Wayfair. We got push pins from the Dollar Tree and shower curtains from Walmart and two lawn chairs and a rug that I found in my spare bedroom and concocted it with some camera and had clip mics and forgive us that was ghetto. Anyways, we're thankful for you that you're here. We're thankful. And let's get right into it. Go ahead and tell 'em because you you got your feelings hurt yet last night. What did I do? Riley busted through my apartment door last night eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. It's refreshing. That bar is refreshing. I don't like mint chocolate chip any other time, but that bar is refreshing. And you have no room to talk about snacks with me because for snacks you eat corn chips with cottage cheese and mustard and cured salami like a middle school mom. So don't be making fun of my snacks. That chocolate chip it's nothing but a crest 3D white bottle of toothpaste with chocolate chips. Well then maybe we should start a campaign for the whole world to start eating men chocolate chip because people's breaths stink and apparently they don't brush their teeth enough. So that's fine with me. If you want to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream, that's your business. It's not my business. No, it's your business. Try it. You tried it later now. And I about puked. Okay, Landon, your version of a snack is a cottage cheese and mustard bowl. I I'm sorry, I'm not trying to eat like the real housewives. Okay, I eat it's no It's a blue corn chip with a little bit of cottage cheese, cured uncured salami, peppered salami from Trader Joe's actually, and And some Cholula hot sauce . That made Jenny Craig blush. I don't even know who Ginny Craig is. She's a weight loss coach, I think. I don't know. She was on the biggest loser or something. It was good. She I I don't see a problem with you eating your blue blue cured salami. But sometimes there's nothing wrong with eating a honey bun, Landon. You have to live life on the edge. And I eat honey bunch. Don't be afraid of diabetes just because it runs in the family. I'm not. I'm actually the opposite. I've I'm hypoglycemic. Okay. My blood sugar stays low. Because you eat corn trips and cottage cheese I eat a honey bun every once in a while, but it's about healthy balance . Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, um This is my healthy balance. Water. Mm-hmm. Great value water. I don't care. where it came from You know, I get hosted and roasted for using faucet water out of my sink to make my coffee every morning. Yeah, it's probably giving me cancer. I use it too. What are we supposed to do? I don't know, but I can't use bottled water because cold water is not gonna dissolve coffee grounds. 'Cause ghetto and we use instant coffee. I don't think that's ghetto. I think it's creative. I'm using my time to do other things rather than brew coffee in a cure egg in the morning. It takes four minutes. That's four minutes I could be grinding and um changing the world. You're stupid. You're stupid. Some call it. Anyways, um so we grew up in a super super, small town and then we moved here literally, you know, a couple months ago. Mm-hmm. How do you feel moving here? You know? I love it so far. It's a complete culture shock. Um Um I can't stand the fact that everyone thinks they need to be a tourist. Well, that's Nashville. Yeah, it's Broadway . Broadway, but anyways. I have seen more boots than I have humans. On moving day, I moved in. Get this. I moved in and I said, okay, I'm gonna bring my sister, I'm gonna bring her my friend Ashley and me and Riley. So we're moving in and he helps do not hing . We have boxes upon boxes upon boxes. And you do not do anything except for sit on your phone on my couch. I wrote in the U.S. He waited for our couch to get set up and then he sat there the whole time. Okay, I rode with you on the way up to Nashville in the U-Haul so you didn't have to ride by yourself. And if you wanted a moving crew, you should have hired two men in a truck. I hired two women in a Riley. You didn't pay me. You didn't hire me for nothing. I was volunteered. Anyway, so it comes time to start putting shit together and Riley here . Landon, I can't even put together a Lincoln log set. Don't ask me to put together anything. I didn't play with Legos as a kid. I I I don't have a creative mind like that. I'm so sorry I I don't wake up and with a hammer and nail in my hand every morning. I can't do that. I didn't be Bob the Builder. I just asked you to help and you didn't help at all. And then when What were we doing? We were Bob the Building, were we not? I was. We weren't doing nothing. Okay, that's why I didn't do anything because you didn't ask me to be Bob the Builder. Moving on, I helped Riley move in the following weekend. And who puts together all of your shit? Go ahead, tell 'em. My grandpa tell the audience. My grandpa. Who else? And you did a couple things? I did more than a couple. I took you to dinner. I actually take Chad took us to dinner. Okay . Anyways, um Go ahead. What? Tell 'em who put together all your shit except for one thing. I can't put together something. Would you rather me have put it together and load go to lay my lowly head down at night to take a sleep and fall right through the eighth floor? I I'm not about that. I I'm not a I'm not a handyman. I don't put stuff together. I'm sorry. Anyways, we moved to Nashville and Well that was a topic change. No, it's not. We're still talking about our move here. We moved to Nashville and then we went to Broadway like the second day in, I think. Yeah. And and we don't ever care to go back. Everyone on Broadway looks the same. They all have blonde hair. They're all wearing shorts that were with friends or would get them kicked out of a church somewhere and they all have on the same pair of boots, every single one of them, and they're all caught posing like it's New York Fashion Week in the middle of the road. And you know , I can't stand it. Anytime I go on Broadway and I see a pair of boots, it makes me die a little on the inside. Well that's what people do here. You're either a singer, a songwriter, unemployed or you go to Broadway and get drunk. Okay, why can't you wear on clouds at Broadway? Why do you have to be boot scooting? Because I know you have blisters on the back of your ankles . You do. Unless you're wearing compression socks you have blisters on the back of your ankle Compression socks. Yeah. Do you wear this? No. You don't? No. Okay. Do you? No. No, but you're wearing all the You're wearing the Crogs today. That was a sore subject this morning coming down the elevator, everybody. So I wore this Aloe sweatsuit or whatever it's called and I walk out of that house, we get to the elevator and or walk out of the house to get to the elevator. I don't have an elevator in my house, but we walk out of the apartment complex, get to the elevator, and I looked down, I said, Riley, I'm wearing Crocs. He cussed me up one side down the street. He said, I said, go change him. We're still at the elevator. He's I said, go change him. He said, I don't have time. We left 45 minutes early. I wasn't going right . It's a mile away. And I said, go change. He said, no, I don't have time. I don't have time. I said Landon, you have time. I said Landon , you're in two different tax brackets right now. You're wearing aloe suit and crocs. And them Crocs, you could run and stop running and slide to New Zealand with those Crocs. The traction is gone . You get iron shirt with those. Riley. I'm done. Landon, those are just pigles. It was gonna be on clouds, but I forgot to put 'em on. And I'm glad I didn't because we're comfortable. And then I had to put 'em in sports mode to walk to the car. Yeah, they look even worse in sports mode. I'm just gonna tell you the trick. Really? Yeah. That's it. Come on. Go ahead. Oh my wait . Sorry guys, give me a moment. Four-wheel drive . Landon. What do they look like? Crocs is gonna sue us for you wearing that . I hope they send you a new pair because them have been through hell and back twice. Anyways, um so we're walking to the car. It's freezing outside. Riley's bitching about everything under the sun because it's too cold. It's too cold. And then he said, make sure you start your car when we get to start your car beforehand. So I started my car from my phone. I put the climate to whatever the temperature was gonna be. And we get in there and it's warm in my car and the first thing this mother fricker does is roll down the windows because he's hot. Okay. If you know the first thing about science, get Bill Nile Science guy on the phone. You can't go from a hot environment to a freezing ass cold environment or vice versa because you will get the flu. Hashtag flu. That's a myth. You ca no it's not. You can't Landon. We went from thirty degrees to eighty five and you expect me just to sit in there like I'm a lizard on a rock. You look like a marshmallow today. That's fine. I like marshmallows. Anyways. Anyways. So we get in the car and we're driving here and Riley goes . It's colder. What'd you say? I said it's colder than hell. No, you said something else before that. Colder in a witch's titty and a brass bra? Doing push-ups in the snow. And then if your your your nose is stopped up and if we sound stuffy today. It's because Mother Nature has c toame seek still and destro y and take every bit of joy away from me and I woke up this morning and this nostril uh was like New York traffic and this nostril was like the Hoover not the Hoover Dam because that would be stopped up. This nostril was like um an escalator at them all, just real steady. Hoover Dam? Do you even know what that is? Um it's it's a dam that holds water. But like But the Hoover Dam, do you know what that was ? Herbert Hoover's Dam. Do you know who Herbert Hoover is? Nope, I'm just asking you. He was the president. Really? Yeah. What number? You heard it here first? I don't know . There's been how many? Forty-seven ? Hey Siri . What president was Herbert Hoover? What number ? The answer I found is Franklin. Hey Siri . Hey Siri, who what number president was Herbert Hoover? Why do you care? Herbert Hoover was president. No wonder we don't know about him. He was born with our grandparents. Grandparents? Thirty-first is way before our grandparents have brought off. So Raleigh and I are headed to Blue Ridge. Oh god. Yeah. Rally and I are headed to Blue Ridge. We're going to the Lake Lake. Blue Ridge, Georgia. And we're with my grandmother, my grandfather, me and Riley. Me and Riley are sitting in the backseat of the van . And my grandmother starts telling us about stuff that she's seen on Facebook. And I don't know who gave my I I don't know who had the idea to give my eighty-four-year-old grandmother, maybe she's eighty-two, I don't know, an idea to have Facebook. You did, but she gets it like this, I swear to y'all, she sits and goes You help her get Facebook because she gets hacked every week. Anyway, so if you know anything about living in the south where we grew up, if you have tattoos, you're going exiled. Straight to hell. I mean let's just say it. If you have tattoos like we have, you're going to hell. And so I I guess my grandmother decided that she was gonna tell us about something she seen on Facebook Reels. And she 's telling us this story and she said, I seen this Facebook reel the other day and they had a banana , some Vaseline. And at this point in the story, I was like Yeah. Clutching my pearls, wanting to know what nanny's done found on Facebook. She said, Yeah, I seen a video the other day, a lady took a banana, some Vaseline, and some batteries . My brain stopped there. And I thought that my 82-year-old grandmother was about to tell me she watched a porno on the Facebook . A banana peel Vaseline and batteries. So, you know, I was It was probably one of them five-minute crafts videos. You know , this was somebody removing their permanent tattoo She said you take the banana peel and rub it on your tattoo and you take some Vaseline and rub over it and then you take a nine volt battery. I guess you wanted to electrocute myself and stick it to it and rub it off. And she said that's they got rid of the permanent tattoo in in that video. I remember I just had to tell my poor little nanny that there's nothing getting these tattoos off . God love her. It was it was rough. But i that's a staph infection, not a tattoo removal. That will that will give you a you know, d don't it just kinda like older people when they get on the Facebook and they see something like that, they don't know it's not real That's why AI is a good idea. Stop using AI. What kills me is whenever you get on Facebook and you see something that is very clearly AI. It looks like it came off a cartoon network and you have Sue Ellen sharing it, acting like it's real something catastrophic just happened. And it literally looks like we're playing uh the Xbox. Like it's so fake looking and they believe it and God love him. I just I know that's why we should ban people old people from having Facebook. They give me the most hell too. In my comment section. I've never had a hate comment. I can't stand an old person on social media because they first of all they don't even know how to use it. But then they want to get on there and criticize the way that our generation is using and living our lives. Like Susan, you were around with the dust bowl happened. I think you should sit this one out. Sorry. Sue me. You're right Take me to the judge. But you know, I post stuff all the time on my TikTok and Facebook and stuff. And my grandmother does not have TikTok, she only has Facebook. Actually I got a talking to the other day because I dropped a bad bird in my video. Yeah, my family's kind of giving up on giving me a talking to a bad thing. My grandmother will say, that's not pleasing to Jesus. I know it's not, but you can love Jesus and say the word damn. Well, hell is a place. Yeah. And shit just smells bad. Yeah. And ass was in the bottle. Ass is the donkey. And And damn is the who for damn. So I mean, I don't unless you're out here dropping some rap lyrics, rap cuss words, I think we're good . Anyways, but it's funny 'cause I I tell you this all the time, my grandmother will talk to me and she'll be like, You posted on Facebook, I seen your video the other day, and then she'll say, and then I seen Riley's video . And Riley's video, he's gonna have to stop saying that F word . If y'all wanna be famous, you're gonna have to stop using that F word. And speaking of famous, my poor little grandmother. S donhe't know what we're doing down here. She thinks that she thinks everybody in Nashville lives in the same house. And so she's like Riley Lane and her up there living with Kid Rock. She tells people that we're movie stars . My nanny will call somebody and be like, yeah, Lennon's moving to Nashville, he's a movie star now. And God love her, she really thinks that we're movie stars. It's kind of a short form movie. If you think about it. We're movie stars, Nanny keep telling people. Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna be watching this on her TV. My mom's gonna have to set it up for and she's gonna have a heart attack that we're talking about her. My Nana. Um she's not very technological. No, see here's it's so Riley and I are cousins, our grandfathers are brothers. So my mom and Riley's dad are first cousins, we're second cousins. The family's not divided. We all kind of live on the same family compound. You know if you don't live on the compound you live like on the street or right across the street from the compound. Um I'm gonna tell that street name because you know whatever. Why did you just do that? What? I'm just waiting to tell my story that I started. Anyways well I'm I'm laying the bricks for the story to start. My grandmother is eighty two, I think, or eighty four, I don't know. And my grandfather's like seventy nine, I don't know. Raleigh's grandparents over here, they started early. They're only like fifty five. No, Nana's sixty. Oh, okay. She's drawing social security. Just started . Ooh . Anyways. Uh was I even said that. Is that sixty or sixty five? Anyways, grile's grandparents are significantly younger than mine. And crazy. Hmm? Tell tell 'em about your nana. Uh Nana gave me a um What are we gonna talk about? How your nana's crazy. We were in El Trio one time. No. She beat the booth out of the back of the seat. Well he was acting a fool and shit. She walked in the kitchen at some restaurant because a chicken was raw and she knocked somebody off their moped in Panama City. Don't mess with Betty. She will catch you. Tell the first story, Nel Tria. What was no, I was gonna tell a story about um What were we gonna talk about? It was fresh. Oh, Facebook. So my the Okay, a couple of weeks ago my aunt passed away. Rest in peace, Aunt Sarah. Um, and I had posted on my Snapchat story because you know I just vlog my life and I posted on my Snapchat story going to my aunt's memorial, her memorial service. Well, we have a hospital back where we're from called Memorial. Yeah. Like Memorial Hospital. And CHI Memorial. Yeah. Not to be not to be confused with Grace Lun Memorial Hospital and Grace Anatomy. Anyways. So my aunt, my my grandma calls me and she's like she sounds like she's running a marathon. She's like, Raleigh, why are you at why are you at memorial? Why are you at memorial? Okay, remind you, the day before I went to my aunt's memorial service. And so I guess she didn't see where I said going to my aunt's memorial service and memorial hospital. She was like, Why are you at memorial hospital? I was like, what are you talking about? I am laying in my bed. Like you woke me up. I'm not at memorial. I'm in my bed. There's gonna be a memorial for me if I wake up this early again though. And uh she was absolutely terrified, which God love her, I love her. She was worried about us, but she just Well yeah, she just How was your aunt's memorial, by the way? I forgot to ask about that. Was it like a family reunion? See, our family subdivided is my memory is like a sore subject, but we love Aunt Sarah. Is that her name? Yeah. Okay. Uh our family's kind of divided, so when we have funerals back where we live, it's like family reunions. You know, even the cousins. The family is a family don't get together anymore. We kind of just go in different places. So when we go to the funeral home, it's like a reunion. Somebody died. Everybody joins and we have a party. That's that's iconic. The food is always so good. Somebody died so that I could eat a chicken tender with mashed potatoes. That's always my favorite part. I've never been to a funeral with a lot of I don't like death and I don't like like it doesn't scare me, but I just don't like that's morbid. I don't I don't like stepping into a facility and smelling formaldehyde. W our family don't get together really, like they do but only on certain occasions and certain occasions are funerals. So we have like family reunions at funeral homes. People only come and see you when you're dead. Pretty much . Yeah, me and Landon both have lists in our notes of people who can come to our funeral and people who can't. And I'm not planning on dying anytime soon. I just thought I'd look at all these cameras. But um Um I lost my train of thought again. L let's change the subject completely. Okay. Let's talk about our eighteen day trip. Okay . Oh, wait, we never talked about hors d'oeuvres. That's damn on the eighteen day trip. Okay. That happened on the eighteen day trip. Um we went to this back in July, August, we went on an eighteen day vacation. And we went to the Marriott somewhere in Orlando first. And we prep we prepped for our cruise, which was nine days on that cruise ship. We won't talk about what happened on this episode, but we'll talk about later. We'll dive in. It was fun. We went with some people that we met on um our previous cruise We got off the cruise and where'd we go after that? We so we stayed in Cocoa Beach for two days, then we got on the cruise for nine days, and then yeah, it's part of part of the story. So we went from Orlando to Cocoa Beach and then Cocoa Beach to the cruise and I forgot. Stayed on the cruise for nine days, eight days, whatever. And then we flew to JFK Airport in New York, stayed there for of course. Can we just talk about the food on the cruise? Yes. I don't know what Ro Royal Caribbean if you see this. First of all sponsor us. But if you see this, I don't know what you put on the water on that cruise ship . But I gained sixteen pounds in nine days . Sixteen pounds. One six . Talk about it's not an exact one. I had an I had an extra roll under my right tip when I got back . I was struggling on that boat. And then I had to go from there to like business. Can we talk about the toilets? They're mounted on the balls. When you flush a toil on a cruise ship, it'll suck your balls off. It will. Can we the tal ballk about Can we talk about the time that you were in the shower and for some reason the boat cut the water off and landing's in the shower? It gets completely cold. And he says, Riley, I have my I'm laying on the bed on my phone, charging it. Riley , the damn water's off. Go to the front desk. Go to the front desk. So what do I do? I go to the front desk and I say, Hey , my friend's in the shower , and the water just turned off. And he has shampoo in his hair. And he said, I'm so sorry. The water's gonna be cut off for three hours. So I stood there. Yeah, you stood there. You put on I remember you put on the floor I actually have a Snapchat video of it. You put on swim trunks insert the video. You put on swim trunks and you opened the door and you were wet and you were rinsing your hair out with a bottle of water. I had no other option. I felt like I was in doomsday. It was quiet. The water was off. We had food though. We did have food. But everything closes at a certain point, and then by the time And then the shower, can we go back to the shower? It's like standing in a bank tube. Them things are this big yeah and you stand in them and it's like okay get ready race yourself and we're gonna land in the freaking windjammer. You know what really sucks whenever you don't have a door to your shower and it's just a curtain. And so the water pressure, because you're in the ocean the water pressure could blow a hole through a a damn cinder block wall. So you're in there and the water pressure is like beaming down on you. And Riley doesn't shower curtain. So when I go in the show. I do shut the shower curtain, but when water is going torn at a hundred miles an hour, it blows a shower cart now. And then the whole bathroom floor is wet because the bathroom is two square feet. You don't have shower etiquette. Bitch, the shower is this big and I am this big. I don't have much room to to y you know th row a party . Excuse me that I don't bend and snap when I'm in the shower that is literally the size of a roll of toilet paper . Trying to fit a gumball through a straw . It is . I mean shit. You try fitting. See, you're skinny. You've never had to in in that damn shower. I am I mean it would be easier for me to Like a car wash. I'm getting weak. I'm getting weak in the knees. You're sitting down . Oh Riley, we're gonna show you. I think my sugar's low . Oh shit . I'm sweating. I need a box fan. A box fan. Yeah, don't come between me and a box fan. You need a box fan. Do you sleep with a box fan? Absolutely. Oh. Okay. So it's colder than whale digger's crack in your apartment? Yeah, because I don't want to sweat in my sleep sleep. And I with a top sheet, that's it. You sleep with a top sheet? Mm-hmm. I don't even sleep with the top sheet. Only a top sheet. I don't sleep with a comforter . I thought people slept with a comforter, but not a top sheet. Yeah, I don't. I'm dip I'm built different. So you have the fitted sheet. Mm-hmm. And then you have the top sheet. I just sleep with the top sheet . I don't like to sweat during the night. Well no, but nobody sleeps with a top sheet anymore. I do . That kind of gives me the ick. See me. It's not a crime. Anyways, um we were talking about the 18 day trip. Yeah. So we leave the cruise and we go to New York for one day. Um we stay at the JFK Airport, Marriott , and so not that far away from Times Square downtown and everything. And we go uh we stay in New York for one day. We go I got probably thirty thousand steps. Which is more steps than you've had all year. Uh by far, yeah. Actually, probably my whole life. Um, and so we went to the new we went to uh Times Square. Yeah, with all the billboards. And ate pizza seven times. The pizza, we went to some pizza restaurant. It's like famous. They followed me back on Instagram. It was Law Industria or something. Yeah. It was good. Um I'll be honest with you though, it's kinda weird to eat pizza when a gopher rat runs by your feet. I just can't take it very seriously whenever a small beaver runs across Central Park as I have a piece of New York style pepperoni pizza in between my gums. I can't do it . Okay . And then after we left New York, we went to the Hamptons. Went to the Hamptons. Uh the Hamptons, for anybody that's never been, it is nice, but it is a glorified small town with old money. I love that . It was nice. I mean we uh Riley didn't he No, I did enjoy it. It was a fun trip and I I was excited to go and I had fun, but like anyway we went to the where do we go? The topping rose house and we were some hoity toity hoop-de-doo men, as Leanne Morgan says. Hoity toity, highfalutin people, and I mean like millionaires. Probably billionaires. I don't even know. We were having um oysters and hors d'oeuvres. Or d'oeuvres. Excuse me . Whore hours. Would you like to tell that story? It was a whore devour devour a whore devour. We're sitting there in uh we're we're sitting there in the Hamptons and Landon goes, Oh my gosh, Raleigh, what is a whore devour? I look at the menu and I see the word whore devour on the menu and I looked at him, I was like, Raleigh, what is a whore devour? I said, Landon, what are you talking about? He was like, I don't know the menu said a whore devour . Why why are we a whore devour? I thought we had to guide ourselves into some crazy mess in the Hamptons. I'm serious. I'm not lying. And I look I was serious as a heart attack when I said this. I said, Riley, what is a whore devour? We might need to leave I said, Landon, how's it spelled? He said H-O-U-R -S- That's not even how it spelled H O R was it on a menu? And he was like, Yeah, I said Landon . That's an hors d'oeuvre . An hors d'oeuvre. And we walk outside and there are people standing there like this. And they go, lobster roll? And then what else did they have? They had some kind of No, Riley got piss ed off because he ordered lobster. Okay. For the main course it was beef tenderloin or lobster tail. Okay. First of all, the beef tenderloin wasn't beef tenderloin. It was a philatemy on Okay, and so I thought okay I don't want tenderloin, I want a lobster roll. Yeah. A lobster tail. This lobster comes out on a bed of fucking kale. They didn't even give me any drawn butter with it. I had to raw dog my my lobster with salt. I wanted some butter to dip in it, you know, with the butter with the open flame that I mean it was a Hamptons, we should've got that. But I will say it was very fancy whenever you go into a restaurant and just want you a good old Coke. Out of a film machine. And they bring you a glass bottle with an opener. And you're just kinda like, oh I mean they were they were hoity toidy. But you know I will say that the vibe of the Hamptons, it wasn't like everybody was super nice. Yeah, everybody was super nice. But do you remember walking like down the road and seeing like five hundred posters for houses for sale? And the cheapest one we found was approximately seven million dollars. And they have them all over the strip because nobody wants to be able to afford to buy a house there. Not to mention, hell, where are you gonna build a house at a sand dune? We went to the beach and the beach was like I felt like I was in the outer banks. I felt like I did you watch that? Yeah, I did watch it until we were in the car and your mother spooled it for me and told me that someone died and then I never watched it aga in. Oh so sad. It's okay though. You're watching Scandal right now though. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You want me to spoil it for you? No. Don't do that. I won't I won't. But what episode are you on? Uh season two episode. I don't know, I don't rem ember . It's a good show. It is a good show. I'm terrible at picking out shows. I Because you don't watch them. This is Matty Riley's problem. Because if it doesn't catch my attention from the very beginning, I'm not gonna waste my time watching it. I'm not gonna watch some bullshit about some makeup make believe stuff whenever I could be doing something productive with my life. That's not scrolling Instagram or catching up on my small town Facebook drama. That's not all the problem. Riley can't get off the phone enough to watch anything or enjoy life. Lennon, I'm not gonna watch a bad show. I'm wasting that . You're not gonna watch any show. Never gonna get back. You're not gonna watch any show because all you do is sit on your phone. That's it. Twitter or ex You've gotta think we're kind of content creators. That's kind of what I do for a job. I don't care. My screen time can't be any worse than yours . Look it up . I'm excited for this one. I know it's gonna be awful. Hmm. Oh. What is your daily average? What is yours? What is your screen time for today already? Uh one hour. Okay. What is yours? Uh well was yours. What's your daily average ? Six hours and forty minutes. No, I'm not . That says eight. Oh, eight hours and forty minutes. Okay. If you're going live to me, don't show you. What is yours? What is yours? Ten hours and two minutes. Okay, but like Raleigh, I know you spend more time on the phone than that. I can't be accurate. Sorry, would you like me to call Apple? Yeah. Sorry. Yes, Tim Cook. Later, Riley 's a liar. Time. Who's Tim Cook? The CEO of Apple. How do you know that ? Because I don't live under a rock . I don't live under a rock. A simple Google search would tell you. Are you Googling who the CEO of Apple is? Have you never heard of him? Have you never watched an Apple event where they put the new phone up on the TV and they announce that everybody's battery is gonna go to shit because they want them to buy the new one? I swear to you they have a button in that Apple headquarters and as soon as they release a new phone they go poop. Okay and all of our phones go to shit. Anyways. Landon, my screen time average for the week of November 16th to the twenty third was thirty-five hours . That is insan ity. Raleigh. And this is why you have Technec. Landon, leave my damn technec alone. I was screened for scoliosis in the sixth grade and I didn't have it. Actually tell them a story about that. You wouldn't let 'em . Tell 'em. And then tell 'em about the other story about how you pissed yourself on purpose. Okay now. You're cutting deep. Go ahead and tell 'em. What were you doing? You were getting a screen for scoliosis. Okay, I didn't I didn't actually want to get a screen for scoliosis because you had to pull your shirt up and some old woman, old feeble woman had to feel your back and I didn't really feel like being groped at the age of eleven. Sue me. I had my grandma come check me out and I was crying because I didn't want to get fondled by Brenda that has done been a nurse for 75 years. It sue me. And then the other time I was in ISS because my teacher didn't like me. My seventh grade English teacher liked me . And she sent you to ISS. She sent me to ISS and I was like, I don't want to be here. Like I was taught I wouldn't be here. Let me go home. They just made me sit and stare at a wall all day. So I worked up the nerve and I finally just peed on myself and I called it. A puddle in the floor. Not just like dribbled a little. Ped. A damn puddle. It was carpet too. She had to clean it up. I hated that bitch. And you got checked out and you went home and you transferred school the next day. I sure did. I told him I said I'm leaving this place. I'll never be back. The next day, I went to the central office and walked into my new school and the I felt like the new kid and I ev I had friends everywhere. Everybody loved you. Pretty thin. And then you told a teacher that it looked like a tornado ran through her hair. Okay, it did. I'm sorry. Sue me. You were awful. Landon, I've that's called growth . I had a teacher one time and she Landon, you can't talk about hair. You had a double pink and green mohawk Yeah shots fired Rat da Why would you do that to me? Because you crossed the line with my pen in the floor . Stupid. Tell them the story. I don't have a story. I was in the fifth grade. We were going on vacation to Panama City. My mom decided she was gonna let us do whatever we wanted, and I had seen a a year before that. It's like 2012, 2013, I don't know, maybe even twenty fourteen. But anyways, we seen a guy in the line of the go-kart you know, the go kart line in Pigeon Forge the year before, and he had a double mohawk, it was like shaved here and here, or shaved in the middle and all How did that make you feel? Looking back, I cannot believe my parents would ever let me do such a thing. But you know, it was in the fifth grade. So we live and we learn. We live and we learn. But you know, I'll do it again. Would you? Yeah, if this podcast gets like 50,000 sh views on YouTube. I'll shave my head again . A double mohawk. That's not a lot. That's not a good I mean one million . I was about to say we're gonna hold him to that. Okay, never mind. I'm not doing that. Maybe seven now. Okay. Standing ten toes down. I'm standing no toes down. I've got to be thousand subscribers, I'll shave my head a double mohawk. Pink and green. We'll take it back to the fifth grade. Fifty thousand subscribers, I will shave my head with a pink and green mohawk. I would just like the world to know that I'm not doing that for fifty thousand subscribers. I love y'all and I adore each and every one of your beautiful kind souls, but I there is nothing in this world that would make me do a mohawk. I have two moles right here and right here and I'm self-conscious about 'em and I'm not shaving my head . Like you need to bet something. Like if I'm gonna be a mustache. Full mustache. Seventies porn stash. I don't even know that I could grow one. You definitely could. I could probably, but I've never tried. Okay, wait, hold on. If y'all hit how many instruments when I get that YouTube podcast, I have four hundred and ninety-three K right now. I'm a Must of Five. I have two hundred and seven K. So what about a hundred thousand followers on the podcast Instagram? That's good. What will you do, Riley? He has to dress like that for three sec consecutive episodes with a wig. And a mustache. Okay, Bill. If we get one hundred thousand followers on Instagram on our podcast page, Riley is gonna dress like Riley here in this picture from when like the eighties? That looks like the eighties. I'll even wear the wig. Okay, deal. And grow a mustache and dye it brown. Sure. Dill. Dill. Okay. He had to walk around like that. I would rather walk around like that than looking like Cosmo and Wanda with a with a pink and green mohawk . The fairly odd parents. Who is Cosmo and Wanda ? Your childhood sucked . We had the same childhood. You've never s bullshit. We didn't know each other to the sixth grade, but that's for another episode. Cosmo and Wanda. You've never watched the fairly odd page. Have you ever watched the rat and the damn dog or something. Ben and Jerry. That I scream bitch. Tom is Jerry though. Tom shit. Met chocolate. You got that ice cream on your mind, don't you? I thought it was Ben and Jerry's. Ben and Jerry. Ben and Jerry is an ice cream company. What is then what is Tom and Jerry is a cartoon about a cat and a mouth. That's what I'm talking about. Did you ever watch that? Oh yeah. So we're not uncultured as children. No, I didn't say that we're not. But I've never watched Cosmo and Wanda. Well, the people know what I'm talking about. I'm hunching. , Technik . Riley has tech back . Riley has technik. Landon thinks because I don't sit up like I have a 9 20 credit score all the time with my pinky out and my shoulders tucked, that I'm a slob. This is how you sit . And what about it? But if you would just you know Yes, if I just sit like this all the time and I talked about finance and football teams and uh I just yes, I'm doing great Does this extenuate the double chin ? Yeah, but you're stupid . This is cousin counsel. Why do you have me doing this submission? It's dumb. It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely fed up. Okay. Let the cousin council begin . Welcome back to Cousin Council. This is a segment where you give us your stories, hot takes, and you just want our opinion. Uh, and we're gonna give it to you. So submit your submissions to bloodline banter at thecastcollective.com and let us see what you got. Let's get started. Are you ready? I'm ready. Judge Mitchell. I'm ready, Judge Mocker. Are you? I'm ready. I'm kind of nervous. Let's do it. Okay. This person says my twin sister is marrying my ex-boyfriend. S hould I go to the wedding ? What the hell? That's all I really have to say about that. Um I guess that twin telepathy took it further than we expected. It sure did. That's awful. I don't know. I mean yeah. What would you do in that circumstance? Well I don't think I could say that on the internet because we'd probably get over the thing. Tell us a PG thirteen. I would show up to the wedding um probably with I don't know, a paintball gun or something. I feel like that could be get interesting real quick. I'd turn that white dress rainbow. It is. What would you do? Along the lines of the same thing, you know, maybe just That's f All I gotta say is um she might be your sister, but she sounds to me like she's a piece of shit. And that has to break some kind of code for She's a piece of shit. You should remove yourself from that situation. What's next? Let me look . Okay. Landon's not prepared. Um this person says, H doow I get over a breakup? This is actually quite simple. You go to the Walmart, you go buy a lot of chicken taquitos and hidden valley ranch, and you go home and you eat your feelings away. That's how I would get over a breakup. You're g tonnaell you what has never done me dirty. What? A sweet treat. Go get something. Literally go to McDonald's or go to Sonic. When the ice cream machine's working, it hits. Yeah. Go and you know, get you something. Don't eat your feelings too much because you'll end up like me and you'll be morbidly obese. But you know, I think you should just deal with it. Don't take no shit from nobody. Have a like you said . Have a fun time. Go to the Walmart. Go to the Target. Go to the go on a shopping spree. Don't box yourself in because I don't care what anybody says. You I mean, listen, don't jump right back into love, but you know back. Get on the app. Yeah, download Tinder. Yeah, and then jump back into love with a cupcake. Yeah. Eat your feelings away. Literally something. A sweet treat or little carb will never break your heart like somebody will. And that's that's your case adjourned. Last but certainly not least, how do I stand up for what I believe in without caring what other people think ? Listen , when you start writing my check, when you start writing a check with my name on it, and in the memo section of the check it says believe like this , you ain't gonna get me to believe in shit. I formulate my own opinions for myself, and if you care what people think about you that bad, then get a damn hobby. Start questioning Go crocheting or something. Get your mind off of it. What was the question? What was the question? I forgot about it. How do you stand up for what I believe in without caring what other people think? If you believe in it that hard, you won't give a shit what other people think. Yeah. That's pretty much just like just don't give a four f yeah. Who cares? Yeah. So my advice to you is to not give a shit . And that was Cousin Council. Submit your emails at bloodline banter at the castcollective.com. Let us know what you got. Case adjourned. Shit . Well, after hearing some of those confessions, I think we're gonna cap it here. Can't believe you're in two different tax brackets with your Crocs and your aloe, but you called me out for the double mohawk and now we have to give these people something that they're gonna I didn't make the bet . You made the bet. Don't matter, whatever. You pissed me off. Um better to be pissed off than pissed on. Reminder everybody, whenever we hit 50,000 subscribers on YouTube, I will bring back the double mohawk. I'll shave it in the middle on the sides, die one pink and one green. And remember whenever we hit a hundred thousand on the Instagram, I'm gonna dress up like a 70s pop off for a couple episodes. Just like that picture right there. That's right. Wherever you can find podcasts, Spotify, Apple, all that. Follow us on our YouTube. Everything is in the show notes and in the description below. Thank you for tuning into the Bloodline Banter. We'll see you next time.