The Story of Pudge's Daughter

The ultimate cookout starts with the ultimate ingredients. At Whole Foods Market, no antibiotics ever burgers and kebabs are prepped and ready to throw on the grill Fire up a juicy ribeye, grab creamy potato salad and savory flatbreads from the prepared foods department, and round it all out with three hundred sixty five brand condiments, chips and dips at everyday low prices. Whole Foods Market, Make your summer sizzle. Gigo presents a thirty second podcast between your podcast Today's story is shared by one of our listeners. It's called Betrayed by Bill It was in that moment I caught who was staring back at me in betrayal, or more like what My insurance bill With trembling hands, I grabbed my phone and switched to Gey card saaving about nine hundred dollars in the protest and never to be betrayed again. Now that was bloody riveting. It feels good when the story ends with savings. It feels good to Gaiko Hey everyone, Scott Okerman here and welcome to another bonus Bang where we are rereleasing great episodes of comomedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And we are in the middle of the latest series that we're all enjoying called Gloob Trot withith Scott where we are featuring some of our very favorite live shows from past Tours And this is all celebrating the fact that we are on the road now with our twenty twenty six ground beefing tour Paul Tomkins myself and the CB all stars coming to a city near you And so we decided to showcase some of the great episodes from previous tours. And this week we have a good one. This one is called twenty twenty four Tour, Boston Part onene It was the first episode that we rec recorded in Boston a couple of years ago, recorded on june twelfth, twenty twenty four at the Wilburth Theater in Boston And it stars Jason Anzuas. We have Paul F Tompkins as Cal Solomon, Lisa Gilroy as Elvis Presley Carl Tart is NBA legendary Bird and Ryan Gall is Pudge. Pudge of course, is from nearby Medford, Massachusetts and we're actually going to be back in Medford on june twenty sixth at the Chevalier Theater So if you're in the Boston area, come on out en jjoyin the fun. And for everyone else, you can catch me and PFT and the CBB All stars You can check out all of the tour dates and buy tickets at cBbworld. com slash tour. So if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB presresents, Scott Hn't seen the neeighborhood Listen, College toown Become a subscriber at cBworld. com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives everyvery live show we've ever done, add free new episodes, more original shows, plus, we're releasing All of the live episodes that we're doing the next day for all of our Maximus subscribers. So We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of comedy Bang Bang but until then enjoy this bonus bang. H It is my pleasure to hey, Boston, what's up Oh I have to do this One second When you cross these streets, look both ways When you cross Ms Street say in donon't look up you slade. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Thank you to Alvarro Menders from Panama. am. He made sure to stress that A at the end. so I wanted to get it right. Hello everyone. Thank you so much for coming. It's our pleasure to be here. This is the first. Night of the tour Incredible, you're all here. We added this show because the first one sold out in like an hour and didn't realize that the Celtics would be playing in the NBA finals, but hey, you guys are the real fans. Right If it helps, I can pretend to dribble a ball during the show occasionally There's tables What else This is my we've been touring since I believe twenty twelve was our first tour. And this is my first tour as a new father That's right, I created life. What the fuck have you ever done Oh wait, some of you have done it too I also, I believe the first tour where I have not had some sort of a Cast on my foot Just had a foot surgery a month ago It's been a long road One that I've had to walk down Unfortunately, but feeling pretty good. But please excuse me if I don't do jumping jacks or anything like that during the show. we do have an exciting, it's been a minute since we've done these shows, and I wanted to remember this We have something that I have done on previous tours calleds the balcony report . Now if you don't know what this is Prepare yourself Hold on to your dicks and your butts and 'cause this is the most exciting fifteen seconds in podcasting What the balcony report is is we travel from city to city. You know how tours work And in every venue in which we play I call out. How many balconies that venue has Now the people in the balconies are clapping, you shouldn't be This is not a shout out to you. Because you paid less money than these people These are the important people, not you This is the balcony report is merely informational so that people from other places who are listening to this can imagine how many balconies there are in each venue that we go to And there is an exciting new wrinkle this tour I'm not only going to count the balconies in each venue, but I am going to keep a running tally and count them over the entire tour And Boston Wilbur Theatater I am proud to announce that this venue has two balconies Am I lying No. Gethsemane Ben Benadrill? Benamine Mzzanine G the fuck out of here, Frenchie Go back to France These are balconies. I appreciate it though. Very important correction Do I amend it? This is the first night. Do I say one balcony one? No, two balconies The audience has spoken. Aittle too much, maybe, some might say Who am I a judge Now, how many people have ever been to a comedy Bang Bang show before? Have you guys been to see us over the years We love you. We love even you up there. How many people have never even heard a show? Great. I love that. So like husband dragged you here or I get it. You'll have fun. Let me explain what the show is. Basically this is a talk show and I'm the host of the talk show and we're going to bring out several guests here onto the stage. We're going to have Irovised unplanned conversations. These conversations have Never been had before unless Perhaps you're Ally Peterson. We may go into some details that we've talked about before But for the most part, these are conversations that have never happened before, will never happen again And you know, I have no idea what anyone is gonna say. The minute the guests arrive, we all put on noise canceling headphones and blindfolds So I have no idea what we're gonna to talk about, but we're gonna have a good time tonight. We have a lot of guests here. Look at all this A lot of people came to see you, Boston. Are you ready to start the show? Let's get going Well, you're in for a treat because this gentleman is sort of local here He is a Boston area native who is actually going to be here with his own show on Sunday night Please welcome Jason Manzukis en. Get about I'm here to talk about the number of balconies. I'm here to talk about the people inem Any monsters out talking you rise up No what No, The mezzanine monsters. Oh, those messy monsters Now you bought a separate ticket for your coffee, Is that right? I asked you to put a stool for the cubp. and I'm gonna stay right here Do you want the cup in between us? I'm trying to decide where to sh. You want the cup in between us. Don't put it down there. You're never gonna be able to get it. Put it boom. What if you just kicked the coffee and then took off? said I never spoke to you again. Walked right out. Wow, wow, wow. lookook at this crowd One hundred percent Hotties How you doing? I'm doing good. Thank you for coming. U Man, you went hoto You went hard after the French A about the balconies? I don't cotton into them. Yep. Okay. I like it. I don't like it. I lookooked it up backstage, The origin of the word German Oh, she had interesting Interesting I believe my parents growing up, they always told me I was German and Polish And then recently just to roast you? Yeah. Just because that made that gave them the widest swath of jokes available But recently they came over and said, oh, we took these twenty three and mean things, which I refuseed to go with. Same, nice try. If you're gonna get my spit, you're gonna get it the old fashioned way in your mouth L down here So many people like Baby Birdie out in the audience I had a crow's nest at my house, Babies. For real. There's a crow's nest. Don't have to clap for it. How can You were trying to be a hero? I didn't do anything. I'm just updating you. How can you tell their babies? The crows? Yeah. They came out of the goddamn eggs. You saw this? I didn't see it y. That's right. Okay. Wy, I real gotcha. Is it too soon for us to be this close?h I move over What do you want? Well you want to stay? Yeah. This is good. I like this. This feels more personal I like it Y your side. It's like we're a divorced couple. It's like we're in the odd couple. Dt tape it right down the middle. Who are we? Tom Sandoal and Arianna? Hang on Oh my knee. I loved watching the warm upp too, where you're like just trying to curry favor with the audience for your middle aged man injuries People know my history Oh, the bad foot. I can't believe he even got on a plane with the bad foot I am a hero because I have temporary disabled person status. you really? And I don't use it. Did you get You don't? No. Oh, I'd use that shit everywhere. If I had a placard, did you get a placard? Got a placard? G everything. How much? Yeah, it's fake. I'd buy that placquer. Oh for it really? No, no, no. I'm saying, I bet I I bet we could mess around with it so it could work for me. Don't tell anybody They do at parking. They do give you a certificate? No. Oh, congrats. Piece of paper. Yeahs a little more you have a certificate for anything these days. Oh participation. who participated in your surgery.. I want to switch. Yeah This is my better side Oh, this side's much better. Yeah I never finished my story. Great, let's hear it. Turns out I'm Swedish. Whoa Interesting how much, Well, by how much? or that's just in the mix? is somewhere in there. It's somewhere in there. somewhere between zero and one hundred. The story is only really good if you're like turns out I'm one hundred percent Swedish. Like none of the other stuff. You're just saying like there's a little Swedish throne in the mix. Are you saying this is a bad story or I need to punch up. Let's be clear. if this is comedy bang bang, it's a bad story Boston's gonna be waiting after the show. Being like, Ohh, you think you're better than me for being Swedish? Yeah. Oh what's o, look in here, we got a fucking Sweede Is that a cliche? How many of you actually talk like that? Like By wingses by moves. A wicked lot of them That's right, Stee, try it out. feeleels good. Fucking sweed. You fucking sweede? Yeah. What do you do? How do you do it? You fucking' swee? That's not bad Somebody out here can do it better. I bet the mazine can do it pretty good St balcony, what do you got? Three, two, one Yeah. Huge mistake telling me that story I will weaponize all of your stories. Especially in this town. These fuckers, they wanna take everything to the ground. That is the wrong roast beef sandwich order. Do you want to fight What? I'm just ordering a roast beef sandwich. Oh, you think you' fucking better than me Jason, you went to Duncan, Iy? I went to Duncan. I walked here. I went to Duncan, it was on the way where you playaying by the way? Well I' staying at the most beautiful place. Is there a Trump hotel here? M is not quite clear how to feel about the Trump stuff sensing they' out to him. This sound is interesting Jason, what's going on? You're playing your own show here on Sunday. Thrilled. That's right. You cant B the way, don't don't applaud. I love how little overlap there is between our audiences. Yeah. Only how many people are coming on Sunday night to our show? Great, thank you, than you. greatreat. And maybe through tonight's show, some of you will be incentivized to get tickets which I believe are still for sale Is it a thrill as a hometown boyown crowd T play the Wilbur of all places. I will say to play to a halfull crowd. I love the Wilbur. I love the Wilbur. this is a theater I would come to as a teenager. did you see in there? I sa chonological order. couldn I couldn't tell you which, but like there's a couple of rooms like this that I saw like Huueie Lewis in the news in that I sa, don't go cool, don't go too crazy I saw the replacements. saw but cant I can't tell you which were here and which were like at the other two rooms that were this size. So that's the best I can do. So that's your prrimus and public enemy on tour together.. Is that right? No, Anthrax and public enemy. That's what it was. Soimus You're critiquing my stories. My stororyies homeomer. I'm getting woos We'm getting woos here. The bands are getting guided by voices at the paradise. G me a woo People are just shouting bands. People are just shouting bands or venues. I'm not sure which Streight the paradise. Yes.es. Love the paradise. The dice Ti the bear's place That's what I'm talking about I saw the fringe play the willillow Any jazz fans in the room Are you making G was on fire that night? Guloti shredded. These are real musicians from Boston. I saw thinkink tree play. One gen Xer in the crowd is like, wait a minute, I remember Think Tree Hire a bird. You were a drummer. I was. Did you ever think maybe I'd like to play at a place like this? Oh, I would love to. I would have o man, I had a surprise for you. What? Let's bring out the drum kid. Can you imagine having to dr drum in front of a? Please don't make me And then I just swam Padidals everywhere. Triplets, Fams, flam rolls, tws Rs. What? I said twins. Oh, and twins. I'm sorry. You mentioned triplets. I didn't mean I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to step on it. It's the best joke of the night I didn't mean to step on it the Jason Menzuka story I'm sorry, I just kept going. Well, Jason, you're gonna be what I like to call my cohost. Sure. why take it? Why not? Yeah, that's, you know Give it up. High five. What are you asking for? I'm asking for a high five. You w to give me a say, I'm the co host. Let's seal it with a fiber N Okay. I've never done one of these. Wow What What is no, no, no? I'm just host. I know what's up now That person shouting something out trailed off halfway through. It was like one of those things where I didn't expect no one to be talking or laughing. I thought I would be part of the cacophy of voice Where only the people around me would hear how funny I am, but now everyone can hear me I was at a show once where the MC was having so much trouble controlling the hecklers and at one point, he got so uncomfortable and so sweaty. He took his sweater off and just kind of draped it over his shoulder. And in a moment of then perfect silence, someone from the deep back balcony in a conversational voice just went, hang yourself with your sweater and destroyed. The room Lvitated. The guy on stage imploded. It was the most insane thing I've ever seen 'ause it was a d of no malice, no yelling, just like Hang yourself with your sweater Would you like to know though, he hung himself that night? Yes, he did. in his hotel room. He did He did with that sweater. Yep. Here's a well built sweater. That sweater's in the Smithsonian n Well, Jason, are you ready to get to our guests? We have I would be thrilled to say. It look It looks to me like we have a wide array of guests. Aually a very Musical show, musical show As well as a lot of famous people on. When you were in musicals. Re and I'm sorry to get you off track. When you were in muss. I was doing the dismount, but yeah talk about being in mus. just I'm just gonna briefly tack on when you were doing musicals, same question you asked me about being in bands, did you ever think you would be playing rooms like this in the cast of a show Bah, blah blah, you know, touring for or on stage for, you know, your music man, your cat I is five U I thought I thought I never thought I would make it to the Great White Way. You didn't. No. You mean Boston? Yeah. It St still the same state motto. Boston really shouldt take it over Sorry, go ahead please start the show. I'm gonna start the show. I will Jason Manzukas, everyone Yes. Re. Does it matter? Okay They're not saying Boo. they're not saying Bruce. honestly, some of them are saying Boo Andntil then, good for you You have a real just heel turn energy? I'm not turning. You're staying there. This is just heel. I don't think it's I didn't start D I start ice at any point? No, you never did. You're right. All right, well, Jason, I believe you've spoken to our first guest before before. I believe so He is I mentioned there are musicians here on the show He's a musician of sorts, I guess. He is How do you describe him? I guess he's sort of one of the Original hip hop artists. Yeah. Oh no, abbsolutely. Of all time From the Sugar Hill Gang, please welcome Cal Solomon. Soloman. Ohow. Hi everybody Hi Scott Hi Jason,. Nice to see you again. Great to see you Great to see you, Cal. Good to see you. What a delight to be reunited in a different city? I know fun, right? So fun. It's like we're taking a road trip But we didn't take a road trip. we all came separately. Why is that? No, that's why I said it's like it. Yeah What brings you to Boston, Cal? I've never been here before. Are you trying to hit every single city that you've never been to? Yep In the world. In the world. Yeah. How w Every city in the world before I die. How close are you not to dying? although I'd love that answer as well, but I have an answer for both close to dying, I would say I got a few decades left, I guess. Great. I hope so. Great. Two, three? I wish for four It' generous Yeah, we're all lucky to get through three. Twow would be solid. Oh yeah. twowo would be solid. I've noticed that, you know how when you read about people dying now? Yeah If they're younger than forty, everyone's like, it's such a tragedy. Oh my God, how could this happen soon? sure. Over fifty, people are like, that sounds about right. Do you think so? Yeah. I think people now think that people in the fifties are younger than they used to be. That's true. How A being younger because you look at like, you know, you look at an old movie or something and all of the old people look quite old, but are like in their mid fifties.'s early sixties. Yeah Like somebody play a old grandfather or something, he'd be like forty five years old. You got your W for Brimleyss You know, the most famous example out there in out there in movies playing like a geriatric old man when he's like, you fifty one? And the traveling Wilburs, you know or the traveling Brimleys, Is that something Keep going, what do you got? Like Wilford Brimley and his four friends who all look exactly as old as him when they were thirty five. The traveling W the Wilfaries. The traveling Wilferies. And what do you want them to do? Do characters character stuff? Oh no, they do their monologues. They do monologues. Yeah. Yeah, but all at the same time A supergroup of my life. Somehow, Jeff Lynn is still involved. Yeah. Oh yeah, of course. O course, we get Jeffynn. Re Don W was in there From was not was? That's right, of course Give Daniel in one. Don't forget T Bom Beret. G E Smith, gototta be involved Th are all Lke Permlman, E is that bad? Even the G X people in the audience are like, no, not interested. I'm not interested in this, but watch this. Mighty, mighty boss tones Buffalo, Tom Okay, okay Forgive me, Calett, how old of a gentleman are you? You are Well I'm an older guy. You're an old guy because for those of you who have no idea who Cal Solomon is, when I mentioned he was in the Sugar Hill gang, maybe some people were surprised came out here because you're I don't want to say older But you are older than some people. That's right, right? Not everyone's born on the same day. No. Could you imagine what a mess that would be What if everyone was born on the same day and no one ever died Wow Please please stop pitching us your bad sci fi movies. But I mean, I guess my question is, are you talking about the entire population of the planet is all born on the same day? Yeah. Or it's the same day every year. L no no, same day every april first Jason. Okay. the same day. And then we win you know, we win out twenty six? I don't know winnow out you blow it down. How do you winnow them out? Mura? No, just not all babies will survive because there's no nurses. That's like nobody ever died Yeah Just five years old. Oh, so we just are drowning in dead babies So we've got everybody over five is immortal. Everybody under five up for grabs. What could be a? than remembering the five insane years where everybody your age was dying What trauma to inflict for the immortal You're saying you like this better. Boston? Fuck yeah! This existence, Jason. Yeah! I thought he was merely answering your what if But you are Cal. I am Cal You You're an older white gentleman. Yeah Explain as briefly as you can How you ended up being associated with the suugar Hill. Have I not told you this before? I believe you have. But just to catch people up who there there's 'cause there's a ton of people who are first timers to the podcasts who are There are some up up reallyally? Yes. Well, that's if you were paying attention while I was someomeone dragg them. Someone they love dragged them and it was like, if you see it live, then you'll like it You gotta won't believe it if you see it live at all makes sense He Hangunong man, dude, you see one of them, J just say a Hangong man. Some people just like to experience things with their loved ones, Jason. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? It's fine. let's just keep going Where are you Ebies or scrooging your glasses Well, it's really very simple. I used to live next door to the members of the Sugar Hill gang They We were all in the same neighborhood in Innglewood, New Jersey. Big Bank, Hank, Wonder Mike, the other guys And then one day they invited me to a barbecue. And so there we are, we're all having fun at the cookout. And then at a certain point, some of the fellas were in the kitchen and they started doing this thing that I later found out was called wrapping And so they said tomorrow, we're going to go in the studio. We're gonna cut the album. And I said, G. So I showed up ban early And they said, Cal, what are you doing here? And I said, I'm here to record the album. They said, Cal, you're not part of the group. And I said, Oh, I thought you were speaking to everyone in the room. And then he said, I didn't know you were there. And I said, Oh, that makes sense. So I was briefly in the Sugar Hill gang except for not actually being in it and was fired before the first album was cut. Have you ever H that ever happened to you ever again? L being somewhere where people don't remember you're there? or is that something do you feel like? Have you ever like, for instance, shown up to a podcast and not been invited as a guest But wait a minute. Like tonight I mean, we saw you backstage and I was like, o, Cal, I had no idea you were gonna be in Boston. And I said, I didn't know you were gonna be here. Right. Except you showed up backstage. How did that Did you just plan on coming backstage to this venue? I just saw a door propped open and I said, What's in there You also had your own microphone I always carry one around because I'm always trying to get better at rapping.marts right. Even though I couldn't rap then, I have since dedicated my life to try to become better at rapping. Now, I'm not very good at it, but I think I could be good if I keep trying. So I've been practicing five hours a day every single day Since the seventies I had no idea you were practicing that much. You have for sure exceeded your Malcolm Gladwell in ten thousand hours. Yeah.ever did you ever then imagine that you might be playing a stage like this as a rapper The Great White Way? No. Okay, you came so close to T. I touched my dick twice. This is looking up. This show's finally getting good. And Cal, remind me, what did you bring to the barbecue that day? I brought my famous potato salad with raisins in it A trrue fan would have brought some of that And also we found out later, I believe, in Toronto two years ago that the lyrics of their big famous song raappers delight, raappers delight about have you ever been over to a friend's house and the food just ain't no good? We're about your cooking. Yeah, T turns out that was a disk track about me you know anyways, in many ways, what an honor. What an honor. And then did you ever, I mean, we've just now lived through the Kendrickra Drake dis disc track back and forth. did you ever get your own track out there to I mean, I've toyed around with it, but I've never sung it in public before. Okay. Or rapped, I should say. Yeah Well Well, from people glad about that. No, I don't I don't Have you misinterpret it? Yeah, you're misinterpreting. I think they're trying to encourage you to perhaps They they wanna hear my dis track against the Chgil gang? Sure What can we do? Can we lay down a very slow beat for you? Sure Should it be like Bs bos I think I could work with that.ady. Have you ever been over a friend's house to eat and you think you're in the group? The guy starts talk and says we're gonna cut an album and you go loop de loop because you're excited to be included in the gang, the gang that goes from Sugar Hill. and you go into the studio and then they say, Hey, what in the Sam Hill is going on. You can't be here. You are a cow. We don't like the way you made potatoes salad. We gotta tell you, you gotta go. we meet it then you'll know that you're not in the group, you're out of the band. Everybody knows this and everybody and you are not the ones. Hold on a second. I'm realizing that ye V good. I love this. yeah. Yeah, give it up for now. Yeah realizing, I was sort of furthering the dis track against myself. I didn't hear a lot of insults against them. No, it really seemed to be just telling the story of my humiliation. But in a way that in a way that I felt like was just to get the audience really on your side to then turn it around. Maybe that's what I was doing, you know? like maybe we could workshop some of this for you You know, like what's the worst thing that you could say about What's his name? Big, big bigig bang hank. Big bank hank His bank wasn't that big I mean, Wonder Mike bragged about having a color TV. So what So you call yourself Big bank hank, but I got this for you. The bank you go to is the same size that everyone else would do. The bank is no bigger or smaller than any other bank in any other branch. So why don't you take out all your money and put it in it Yeah, that's right. Yeah Everyone knows, every bank branch is the same size. Cal, did you wna finish that slot Put it in it rhymes with ranch, branch. Put it in a mattress. I think it was where I was headed But look, this is the most I've ever rhymed. You're doing great. honestly. These are by the way, These are incredible. You've made really huge huge strides Re for huge strides. All right, let's try I' got some choice words for Woa Mike. Oh boy Okay. I don't wanna put pressure on you, but you're offering it up. Okay.ounds look pretty good. Yeah. Do you want the same beat or do you want a different beat? I think the same beat is fine S is s Hey wonder Mike, I gotta wonder. Wh do you think you're fooling? When you say you got a color TV, did you think that I wouldn't look in your house and see that it's black and white Okay. c. that one got away this one Yeah. And this one, I think you admit to being in a peeping tongue. That Yeah, which again is such interesting insight into your character. That one got away from me. and I should say he did have a color TV, but It wasn't as big a deal as he made it out. Oh, okay. Other people had color TV's. Yeah Also, when you said that Big Bang hank, his bank wasn't so big, I thought you meant he didn't have a lot of money. You just meant the actual bank the b right that's his banking. His chase branches. I think's the same size as any other bank I believe in my heart of hearts that he picked that name because he was bragging about the size of his bank accounts, not the. I don't know. it's a pretty confusing name Why that big wallet hank? B big bug tank Then I would say, your money is the same size as everybody else's But big wallet Hank means if you need a big wallet, it's because you have a lot of doesn't mean that it's full of money. It means you just own a big wallet. Oho, I didn't think about that. And that could be a big wallet like can hold a lot of money or big like prop wallet, big giant wallet. Maybe he should have called himself wealthy Hank I like that I love that. What movie or TV show has ever used a giant wallet as a prorop? Hitchcock used it all the time to show you that the character's under financial stress. It's enormous in the foreground while your main character's in the background being like, it's my empty wallet lassic Hitchcocky. The Hitchcock. And then inside the wallet, Hitchcock's cameo. That's right on the driver's license. Kal, I think this is a great start. I really, really do Yeah. People just listening to the podcast are like, what happened? What happened? What happened? You'll never know. Never know, but just know it was fucking funny. Probably the funniest thing of the night I'm gonna try to remain motionless when I say this, but Cal, I think that you should put this down on wax What does that mean I think you should record your song and then my D track? Yeah. then maybe you would get a little notoriety because then maybe the Sugar Hill gang who are still together, by the way. Maybe they would respond they would respond with a further Oh no. Oh o. Do I say more mean things about me? Do they know more mean things about me? I thought if I did it, it'd just be even. Oh no, we're gonna come back and you probably twice as hard. What else know What else do they know about you? Yeah, Is there anything about? they know I'm a failed disgrace CIA agent I forgot Thank kid They could probably make a lot out of that. They based that TV show The Americans on me. You were the guy who lived across the street, right? You always bean. St Beaman, Yeah. Al had his garage open. That's right I mean, they could tease me about that. me feel pretty bad. They could tease you both about being a failure and about the adaptation of your failures for TV and what I hit it was. Yeah, it was a good show, I gotta say. Even though I'd watch it, I watch it between the fingers of my hand 'ause you're like a real Freidie cat Well it would just maybe, know you know how people say cringe? Sure. So that's what I would do when I would watch the show because it was about me and being a failure. Yeah. And I would cringe. And so I'd hold cover my face with my hands, but then I would p the fingers a little bit so I could still watch the show. Did you like the show other than the part that W Stam Beaman was in Yeah. Okay. I liked all the wigs and all the glasses. So many wigs, so many glasses. they Do they take any liberties with your story? Liberty liiberties I can't say that word anymore without saying Biberties. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, I know. That's too b. It's a problem You know how sometimes they bring those characters back on those commercials We've been thinking about them and missing them? Yeah But to be fair, I was genuinely it warm my heart to see the Liberty Biberty.ally It really did. Yeah., that's nice. Yeah Legal emme Wait. I think it's Limu Eu. Limu Eu? Yeah. Limu? Lu Eu. Limu Eu? I think it's an emu because it round with Limu. Who cares You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see that emu like killed in an ad Can canan I make a confession here? Sure When the emu When Doug in the em, we want to do this as a disc track. I'm just wondering. No o, please Please continue, please continue. This is back and fashion. It'll take longer. That's fine When Doug and the Eu were having lunch with like Doug's wife and the Eu's wife, the Eu had a string of pearls on and some hornrim glasses, cat eye glasses and a little wig, I thought that was funny. Yeah. But you know that their wife's swapping that night. Just in Why swapping capital of the world? swing? B the Massachusetts capapital of hot wiving. Everyone here is gonna swap wives with someone in here. And some of you are gonna get an move Because we gave a bunch of emu tickets for the show. Y. And a couple of penguins from the aquarium. I can walk like a penguin. That's a commercial from Boston. What was it a commercial for? The aquarium. Oh. notot for like corrective leg braces? No That would be like the, o, thank God, I can walk like a pen. Oh he's happy about it. Yes I thought I was like, I can walk like a penguin. a penguin. And not like the Batman roogues gallery villain. Although he walked like a penguin. Yeah. I was as wal cbper pop, cbop pop. C I ca pop Is there anything that the Sugar Hill gang knows about you that we haven't talked about before? is there anything you know what you should do is get it all out in the open. Yeah. Let them have no ammunition. Exactly. You know, if Drake had said like, yeah, I take Ozempic and I am a pedophile I just want to be clear, anybody can take these clips out of context. Oh shit, you are just offering up drops, my friend, for somebody to put into a goddamn plugs theme. It. I mean, I don't know if getting out in front of the story like that would be good for somebody feel like before you say it, I'm gonna say it Let's see. I mean, you know, other than the CIA fiasco My life is pretty hum drum. I was responsible For the probleblems with Apollo thirteen Oh Well, wait so this is a huge reveal because when it went down, they just had a problem. Right. said there were problems. Yeah. plural. They said H. They said Houston, we have one problem. We have a problem. Yeah. And you're saying, just you just cracked it open. There was more than one. There were more than there was more than one problem. And when they said Houston, we have a problem, that was the first problem they discovered Wow. What What did you do? And how were you involved? How Were you in NASA or what I was a young kid So this is also before the Sugar Hill gang. S wasu Yeah. Sugar Hill gang was nineteen seventy seven or five or something. I was a young man and I was interested in space. I was taking a tour of NASA Much like I saw the door propped open here tonight So you're a propped open door guy. I guess you're a prop guy. I guess you could call me a propped open door guy. And so I said, ooh I gotta get that space capsule. And I got in there. Oh, you went in. Yeah. Wow. And I'm embarrassed to say this. I had a big melting popsicle with me It was a hot day and I just wanted a little treat to cool off. It's Florida. W. The sixties and the sixties. D One pill makes you money and the other one makes you dumb. If you take too many pills today, then you won't have any fun. Because pills are good, but they could get to stunk in your little throat. And you gotta watch out. O you might take a pill that makes you a goat. I took a pill And Now I'm a goat. B B. I so good mill. Now I'm a goat. What's thou like to live deliciously? My name is Patxilip. I'd like to show you how to become a vivch. a vivch, a vage. A vivch. Wow. What just happened? You're raing is so now. What just happened? You went into some sort of a fuue stain. went into like yes, like how long was I out? For apparently like two verses. Yeah. I mentioned the sixties and it just something came over you Wed. So, long story short I dripped popsicle into every corner of that space g. Really gumped up to work. Oh boy. That's tough. To be fair, why is NASA doing guided tours on the day that the Apo thirteen mission is laun. this was the day before. Ohow. Still a little too close to if you're NASA, why sell popsicles? Yeah. Don't sell popsicles where people can bring them I bought it off site You smuggled it in your mom smuggled in. I started it, and the guy at the door said, You can't bring that in here. And I said, I just unwrapped it. and He went, all right People were nicer back then I feel like I'm not gonna lie. We've had multiple viable tracks tonight that could be like like Scott was saying on an album at least ye. Some are disc tracks, some are autobiographical tales of your life. You could even do, I would argue, it sounds like what you maybe are currently doing, you could do songs about all the cities that you've been to on your search to get to every city in the world How many cities have you actually made it to? Four So an EP. So New York, Boston. what are the other two? Toronto. We saw you there. That's right. Toronto. Cape Canaveral.. The incorporated city of Cape Canarro And of course, Englewood, New Jersey Which Which one do you like the best Oh It's hard to choose Capeing Ell In go New Jersey Batet Tutor L Oh, five. Toronto. Toronto. Yeah. Los Angeles Why Some people are shouting Boston, some people are shouting Inglewood. This is a classic both swatter situation. Did I not say both? I was literally counting them on my hands. I, you're right. You're right. It's Boston. They'll correct you anyway. My favorite is probably Inglewood, New Jersey. It's where home It's it's home It's home. It was home. Well, I mean, it became home after I was banished there by the CIA Every I just a guy. Every time I see you it's like a new chapter that's so interesting. We find out new things about you and I mean, I would love maybe you should just write an autobiography, you know But like a book about me? Sure. That's what autobiography means. I'm the main character. Yeah. But I do the writing. Or you could get a ghost writer. Now, hang on. That's not a ghost. Oh boy. I won't go down that road again. Wait you wondering if you met a ghost. I met a ghost who was writing something. Oh no what? Who was this ghost? What were they writing? What were they writing This ghost was, I think it was a person who used to live in my house in Innglewood before I lived there And he was writing a note and I couldn't read it at first because it was like, you know, in dreams when somebody writes something, you can't read it, C'a. What? I said Cam Gaba. Camag Gaba? Camag Gaba Hammock chemic up Wh' to say you can't make out the words, but then I much like the person who shouted out earlier, I retreated in the m. I think is it possible you're asleep right now? I could be Is this happening? Can't on. C' make on. And the ghost was riding He was writing on a little notepad next to the phone. And he was writing. A word I couldn't make out And when I looked at the noteepad, there was nothing on there. But then I got a pencil and I did that. I scratched it up, and I could see the impression. Yep, right to Jackie Treehorn. What was it? What was it What's between wanting to tell you and asking what you just said. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Just ignore me, please. It said Studio eight AM sharp M What do you think? That means, I mean, this wasn't a dream where I guess You could interpret it. I think the ghost was literally. Do you think the ghost is cutting an album? And it was a reminder for them that they needed to be at the studio at eight AM? Or is the ghost a member of the Sugar Hill gang that you Murders Reel it back, Reel it back. Just to go L, look, I can't lie. I was in the CIA. Sometimes we had to do wet work. I You were in there I mean, that's the thing. You were in the CIA, you were at the Apollo thirteen launch, in the seventies, Sugar Hill gang, haven't been up to anything recently. Ooh, listen I mean, not that I don't love these many decades old stories. Oh, sure. Be yeah, we have Cape Canaveral in the sixties. We have Sugar Hill Gang in the seventies. We have all the American stuff in the eighties.. Then in the nineties, nothing I kind of laid low in the nineties. Yeah What do you home say that? What do you mean? what do I mean?? What's Cal Solomon mean when he says I laid low? I sort of I took a break from, you know just kind of hanging out around the house and I said, I gott to get a job. And so I started designing a jese You designed jeans. in the nineties. Yeah. You were a jeans designer. Yeah. What was je? is it a name we would recognize or I don't know. I don't know if you'd know the name. They were the really biggest jeans you could imagine ust the biggest gene you've ever seen Like the ones like James Coco would wear when he was like showing you how much weight he's lost or. Do you know what I'm talking about? Was she wearing jeans? I don't know They were called Tinkos. Oh yes Okay. Jenkos. Y. Jenkos. Right. I design those. Oh Wow. I mean, like what a cultural impact you've had in almost every decade. Did they catch on? Yeah. Did they catch So you were designing them with no thought about the public's perception of them, you just I just thought I'd like to see a real big gene You looked around and you saw people wearing jeans all over the place and you were like too small. I shopped them around all the fashion houses in New York. How did you have any sort of inss there? Doors are propped open all over the place. Of course. All right, Cow sol in, everyone M This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, Squarespace It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid with built in scheduling, invoicing, and email tools You can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates, no experience needed. pllus built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. 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We put in the laundry every two days, I think, because she always wants to wear it. Plus, we're getting a lot of bedding from there. It's really, really nice. She finally has a big girl bed that we have ut a bunch of quuince blankets on. It's really fantastic stuff. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quincez dot com slash bang bang for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty five day returns. Now available by the way in Canada too. That is QuNcE dot com slash bang bang for free shipping and three hundred sixty five day returns Qint dot com slash bang bang. Mint Mobile plans are only fifteen dollars per month. Wondering what's the catch? There isn't one. There are no gimmicks, no gotchas, just unlimited talk, text, and data, fast, reliable coverage on the nation's largest five G network, and an award winning care team. That makes MintMobile a catch MittMobile took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for fifteen dollars a month. 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Yeah That was me, sor What'd you do? I hit the mic and it made a noise, then I didn't wantan to distract. Sorry. Are we allowed to do that Go ahead 's fun. It's a lot of fun You forget because you're supposed to talk into them, but you can make out of noises if you do stuff to them. You should incorporate that into your disist tract. I mean, this is all material for your r. Are you sure? Y yes I didn't mean to derail your introduction I think release you could release an album or tracks that people would buy on your Apple musics, your whatevers. You could put out what you've done tonight is an EP's worth of material An extended play, Wow, on a cingle. I miss a singles. Oh, I miss a singles. Playing a c single in the Shiracco. Boy, you listen to one song? That was great. Flip it over. Listen to maybe the same song. But But but a remix. Maybe. But like a bad remix of it. Yeah, fuck yeah. Groove is in the heart. Yep. What were you saying I think you guys are going to be really pissed when you realize how much time you've wasted. I mean, we have an incredible musical, also an actor, a legend. He's still alive. Please welcome Elvis Presley. B, Baba, Baboo! A Christmas are O btom the pool Wh This is wild. seeeeing Elvis do all the famous Elvis moves. The most famous one of all Here, Elvis sit here. Oh, I dont bab step on my blue Don't do don't do don't do This No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do. We had to check because a lot of people in Boston were saying we can't have we shouldn't be able to see Elvis below the waist. Yeah, that's right. You know, it's too my big gravity baby Whoa, whoa, whoa, who who. It's knocking all the pregnant women out all over the room. Boom mea, boom,, boom, boom How pregnant women in the audience today. Okay, weg got a few baby, mama, you know that's mine. No, Elvis. D Don't Sip 'em blue swade Jice. don't do it don't do, it don't do. Oh my gosh Wow. Elis. Elvis Presley everyone. Elvis Presley , D anyone? Did anyone hear that really tired woman in the audience say, Oh my God What did you say B M tella Mes in the audience? Yeah. You did a movie with her. Of course I did. Big Elvis's bigig fun beach party T Sleepover movie. I got all the girls pregnant. O B B Bother, Ba Oh Elvis, welcome to Boston. you ever been to Boston? O Do this answer your question? Oh donunka donunka donunka d donut without you? No No no, I've never been to Boston. You know, I didn't think so ' I watched the movie, the recent one, you know, and you never saw them there. You watch my recent movie? No The one about you. Wait, usually do movies show everyvery city the person's ever been to? Yeah. Wow. So your movie's gonna be a short one. W Well, only if it's done now, if it's done in the near future. It could be very long. Wish you Have you cught your breath, Elvis?ave you I never will, bab. Elvis that' the truth You should wear a fitbit during this Elvis, how did you ever even do one concert? You're so tired right now? I know, Baby. That's why you know, you know me, I died on the toilet like all the sheep think. For the listeners at home, Elvis is putting air quotes around died on the toilet. You sheep will believe anything, Buzzfeed tells y Buz Big Buzzfeed fan, Elvis? Get a lot of your news from the old Buzzfeed? When I was still alive,uzzfeed was a newsper. You are still alive. Oh yes, I'm still alive. You are still You've never not been alive. is what we're finding out right now. Yes, exactly. So as you know, I died on doctor Skeleton's Celebrity toilet, which flushed me down to Mazeland where I've been living ever sinceandering And dirty I'm catching this man up And reminded myself as well, baby Boba. You died on Dror Skeleton's celebrity toilet. You wasushed myself down Lushed yourself down, ended up on the where was it? Muretand mayabbe. rightight? On the Merset land. Yes. That's a place. I'm not doubting you as much as maybe not hearing exactly what you're saying. I think you're saying Muzzle land or something like that, but I don't know what hubble by? is it a bumby baby hubble bumby that? you can't understand a silly little bumby ba Thank you. Thank you, Elvis. Thank you. Jesus Christ is biger bubble I get man. You know what I man I'm gonna get so many titpicks after this Oh, so you're like fully in modernity. You're texting, you're online, you're getting those nudes. peopleeople are you on social media? Are you like, No, no, no, I still like it I still like it analog. Okay? So that means analog? Analog. Okay. Analog. Okay. so this is what you're gonna do, girls. If you want to send me a nude, you just gotta go home, flush it down your toilet and it'll make it straight to me I get my mail. The best way to get in touch with you is via the toilet. The toilet is your cell phone. Yes. It's more like my newsbaster and my breakfast giver T more about that. Elvis, you eat shit B bye It comes my way. I wake up in the morning and I wrap my mouth around the tube that's connected to all y'all's toilets. What doesn't make sense? huba, buuba. Oh, baby, what? Wait Ell is this every toilet in the world? Except for yours. A Is that good or bad? Well, it depends on the size of your poops. That brings up a good question. Sure. Can you talk about the relative size of your poops I mean, I'm not gonna to be a big bang hank about it and say exaggerated. An ammo. I'mot gonna exaggerate. Same size as everybody else. Yeah, okay, thank you Melon Monroe is missing from Musilland. This is huge news I came here t night to try to find her. I'm in big hubbleuba trouble by. Is that why you're here in Boston, Elvis? We from Marily Monroe? It' because if I don't find her and bring her back to the island, doctor Skeleton willon execute me You want doctor Skeletonor Skeleton will execute him. If I don't find Marilyn Monroe and bring her back, doctor Skeleton will doctor Skeleton. Is doctor Skeleton related to doctor Skull? I'm sure they are cousins. Yes. Who's doctor Skull? Oh, I thought somebody said doctor Skull earlier, but I maybe it's been skeleton the whole time. has It's a miss here. But let's dig into it Is Dror Skull a different guy I'm not sure. I haven't really listened to the podcast episode So to catch everyone up, you live in Mazitlan, is that what you're saying? Yeah, It's a real place. Hub up on a dummy bear There are a lot of celebrities who have been sucked down into doctor Skeleton's celebrity to. It's a privilegeed Scott, not a curse, but yes. How famous does one have to be to get such wanna know, don't you? You got one little tear rolling down your cheek? Now I killed someone, actually. That's a tattoo Well, there's different locations currently at Musleland. We had Marilyn. God, I miss those swanging old Bango Dangos We got Jim Henson. Do you miss those swinging Bango Jangles? No, you's still there. His Jango Jangos is still there. And another beautiful woman I've had the pleasure of donkey, Dunkan Shell Silverstein. Ooh, that bald head and that big giant beard, those crazy eyes. She's a weird looking woman . No, you're in love with her. Oh yes. Oh, okay Everybody loves Elvis. What am I supposed to do? That's the thing. Yeah, you're one of the most famous people in the world. I am the most famous person in the world. How are you really? You'd go that far Do you think it's you? I guess I always to say What? Fight me, Scott. Oh, do it. Do it, Scott. You want me to fight Elvis? You gotta Oh w He's calling you out. He's calling you out. He's putting down his microphone. I'm scared,. Why put down your microphone? Are you sure you want to break your foot so early in the toour kicking you'll die in twelve hours. And that's Elvis W, baby Bobble I didn't realize you had Elvis Powers, Yes. That's Austin Powers. I'm sorry. Is he there with you? Of course, Baper Boba. He hasn't been in a movie since, of course, Gold member. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you He should do more movies. If they're not Austin Powers movies, he should just do other movies. So you could be in those too. Do you think that's how you're gonna get back in the movies? Yeah. Okay. if there's more Austin Powers.. He'll grandfather me in. Absolutely was a timevel was a time traveler from the sixties. I'll explain the plot to you later. You were saying, Cal I forgget It took a moment. Yeah, we weren't gonna continue until. We took a moment. I don't think it'll be worth it, How about speaking to celebrities that we think are dead but are actually flushed down the toilet to Masadlan and also speaking of Austin Powers. What about the guy from Traders, Australia who quoted Austin Powers. And then we didn't see him on the show ever again. I heard about this guy on the cab ride over here Wh two of my friends were talking about? What? Listen, B, mayaybe if I'd been in the van with you all the way home from the airport, I'd know what you're talking about, but I'm Elvis Bresley. okay? I just thought I'd ask her. Now look, I need all of your help find and Marilyn Monroe. and she might be here tonight because that lady loves theaters. Is Marilyn Monroe here There's two of the liar She's much more humble than that. I don't think she'd call it out. But you have reason to believe she's in Boston? Is it where there are clues? Is there That's the way the window's blowing. Yeah. You know, Marilyn, she finds an air vent in the ground and she's got to do shes got to push a skirt into her, right? What She goes, Oh, you. And then what do you do Oh, I'm going whoa And you see, it's not funny, buub, buub Be It's actually a medical emergency when she's doing that. Oh no, What's up with M? Earilyn Monroe had throat cancer, and doctor Skeleton saved her life by swapping her vaginal canal with her mouth canal. And when that lady goes over an over an air vvent, she's just gasping for breath Oh, so you saw her this is still connected to her lungs? This part is still that's what I mean. It's just like a freaky Friday with her vagina and her throat. God, these men know nothing about the women's bodyu? Does it work, Elvis, please. tellell us how does it work? Yeah, A classic case. Everyone's obsessed with Marilyn doing the over the vent, even though she's just breathing air. But nobody gives hells crap when she unhinges it John gives birth to a babies's out of her mouth. If I saw her do that, I would also have questions. I would be shocked. Here's another question. How did she eat She's got an eating disorder, thanks for bringing up. Oh wow. Ooh, Jason. you really stepp. Jason. I feel so awful. insensitive I apologize. Let me apologize. But she eats up her butt There' one thing that's still the same that hasn't been changed or moved. Wait, what? you think everyone needs a the butt? No, The butt hasn't been moved or swapped with anything. Everything moves one up. What You're acting her if it's obvious, everythingthing moves one up. What do you mean? sw way down. What if I said everybody moved one chair down? Okay. that makes sense too If you've watched the show tonight, you know we have not figured that out either Listen, when the next kiss comes out, you'll see butt becomes vagina, vagina becomes mouth, lungs become butt, anus becomes brain. It's simple science, baby. It's a woman's body, huba, Buba. Ooh Well, how are you gonna find Marilyn I don't know how, but it's my fault I'm Sar. whyy is it your fault Well, she got blown away from a blast. that was my fuba buba fault. I was cooking I was cooking meth in the sewers. Why to stand over the grate and boom Why are you're Elvis? Why are you cooking me I've been cooking meth my whole life, but my mom, I'll teach you how to do it. You get a little pan, okay? You simmer it with a little bit of butter. Then you put a little piece of bread with some peanut butter on it and then you get some bananas, okay? And then you put another piece of bread on it. And then it's all cooked up, you smoke that shit You're at Elvis just by meth You think it's that easy? I don't know. I don't know I sure findine. Let's roll play it out. Get out. Okay Hello, buubble buubble. You have to ring the bell. Oh Ding buubble, ding, ding donong, baby buubble. Next. Next Can I help you? Oh Hello Oh, dingle linging o hey. How's it going? Yeah, I'm just gonna be like, Oh boy, an open door. Do you know what you want I'd like to buy some peanut butter meth, baby, Mam. But please don't tell anyone my identity because I'm a celebrity, like these other celebrities Hillary Duff And please don't out me. And her sister Haley Hi So see where things fall apart here because he's gonna want to go fang girling over us. Watch this. Yeah, it's me Elvis. what are you gonna do? suck my dck? Oh, sorry, sorry. Hum more buubble? That's not sealing the deal for me. In regards to me sucking your dick. I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. I know these two ladies. Hello. Hi, I'm Hay Duff. I'm Hillary Duff. We're the Duffs Big fan Yall, we know, we got your letters. Oh no, this is the guy. That's why we're here. Ster clear of us, creep. You came all the way down here? tellell me that? Do you stop? Do you wanna hang out? Sure, sure Come on back I mean, just come back to you here? just I'll unlock this. My b No, no, he's opened the door to a bunch of teenage girl skeletons. Be careful, be careful. Oh no. Teenage girl skeletons! Did you like?? There's a barrier here. Sorry Good object work, good object work. Would you like to become one of these skeletons? No. Oh no, my sister Lave her alone. he's putting me to meat grinder. And seen. So that's what happens every time I try to buy meth. Wow. I guess I see what you're talking about. That does seem inc convenient I understand it when you were explaining it, but when it was illustrated physically, it made all the sense in the world. Exactly Well, do you have any plan to find her in this audience? or do you want our help? or what are you Let me have a look around. Yeah, I would start there. Are you sure she wants it to be found? Is it pos? No no, she's trying. Do you know woman R? No Fuck A you no? Sorry no. Sorry no Are you Marilyn Monroe, Baby? No. I would caution against going any deeper into a Boston audience I don't think she's here, but I know it. Are you sure she wants to be found? Maybe she's trying to get away from you, Elvis. Do you think she's mad at me, Bub, buub. I just think Elvis, you're clinging. You're needy. Yeah. You'reern. Look, you came all the way here. You don't just to find her 'cause she got away from you. If she wanted woman wanted some space I blew her away into oblivion. She didn't want that. But maybe she's mad. Maybe she's mad, you blew her away into oblivion, quote, unquote. Marilyn, please come back, Bub,uba. I'll bllew you away in many different ways, hubauba Jesus Come up here Here we go. How does she get up here? Is it legal? I don't know. Oh, here, there's one thing that will prove it. Oh boy. No, wait a minute. hang on. No There's one thing that will prove it. Listen, listen, name two movies you were in. All right, I was born in two thousand one. Nope. W actually you done. I'm not done. Can you sing us the happappy birthday, mister President Song We birth through you Happy birthday to you Happy birth M President is your biggest f. Hello, Frankie. Is Frankie here? It's Frankie. Frankie's not the insane one. Frankie's nice and polite and stayed in his seat. You think you s his assassin to get us Oh, I feel really hubble buubble relleased h But I found my sweet little wangle j. I found her. Now Elvis, are you at all you had nothing to say? She you're saying that you love her and you're trying to find her. but yeah you stands behind. And also Marilyn has clearly said she loved someone named Frankie in the audience and that just went, you didn't seem to respond at all Marilyn's not into you, bro. She's into Frankie. Wh Goodight, Elvis Presley, everyone. Elvis Presley Oh my work Your outdoor space should feel like you, right? You know, maybe you want a fire pit outside. Maybe you want a ice sculpture outside. I don't know that that's possible, but a fire pit certainly is, as well as outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio lighting, rugs, decor Well, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. You can shop with Wayfair Verified your shortcut to the good stuff. 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And in your pocket, On plus Nicotine pouches, the softest pouch on the planet Buy a can at onnicotine. com roduct for tobacco consumers twenty one years of age or older, warning this product contains nicotine, nicotine is an addictive chemical Well, we have another guest and this one is probably At least around these parts, probably even more famous than you Elvis I'm sorry, but it's true. We'll see, hub. I hope this person comes out ready to fight. and I'm not kidding. We'll see if he's ready to fight. He is look, do I know everything about him? Sure. But should I So use three specifics to introduce him He was an incredible member of what do you call a basketball? It's a team, right Yep. calledall the Celtics. And I know two of his names, Please welcome Larry Bird Sot. Oh You got it It What didd you say About what what the fuck are you talking about Soilers. I think there's a basketball game going on. Oh, I thought you were talking about Avatar . Do you have Avatar spoilers? I have every avatar spoiler, and that's what I came out here to talk about. What I guess I won't now because somebody yelled, Don't spoil it I think we should force Larry, it's so great to meet you. I mean, you're a basketball legend from what I'm told. and You won a lot? Yeah I won a couple times. Right here. and as I make my triumphant return to the great city of Boston I wna talk about one thing tonight, Scott, and that is the power, beauty, elegance, and grace of all state insurance. Scott do you have a car I mean, not on me. You don't have one on you. How'd you get here? There are other ways to get places. I was coming from Los Angeles. I think that would be like a five day trip. No I wouldn't take that long, aboutbout thirty six hours. Straight. This fucker don't know how to drive No, that was a question. Straight, gay? Bar What I wouldn't rather sexualual If if you don't mind me asking, I mean, I was a kid in the eighties watching you and the Celtics play against Magic and the Lakers, what was that rivalry like? I'll tell you what, Magic had a lot of nice cars and cars need insurance. Great guy, great smile Great driver. Oh, Magic, Johnson was a great driver. Excellent driver. Why does that surprise me?? I don't know. Why did you Why were you surprised by that? I don't know. What does What about magic say is bad driver? I guess just the athlete stereotypeype, you know, The stereotype of athletes that they can't drive they're at like Tiger Woods out there driving around like a maniac. Tiger Woods was getting beat to hell by his wife. While he was driving? Yes Wh? she an I don't know Hey, Larry. ye. Who's the worst driver in the NBA? Worst driver in the NBA when I play or now. Give me both, okay. When I played was Fat Lver of the Denver Nuggets terrible driver. I wouldn't give that dude the insurance as far as I can throw him. But now Hmm. I guess GG Jackson of the Memphis Grizzlies Everybody knows these Reeres isn't here because they're all here right now instead of watching their team in the finals. So clearly it's a lot of sports fans in here Wow, so good to see all your beautiful. You it G G Jackson? Yes sir. I think a lot of people in this room probably think it's Gilmore Girls Jackson. Say that again? It doesn't matter. it's just a dumb joke. I got a question for you, B Bub. Well if a fellow like me with a Bub, Bub a wholellly famous life got life insurance before he faked his own death and moved him as man, can he get life insurance again for a second time even though we Titter told everybody he was Bub, Buba dead You could, but you'd have to use a different name. Say that name you just said again. Gilmore Girls Jackson. Gilmore Girls Jackson. Change your name to Gilmore Girls Jackson. I give your insurance policy right now. So when you were' you know whether it's now and you're processing, I'm sure the MBA finals that are happening or when you yourself were playing, was part of learning and understanding the game also knowing who on the other team were good and bad drivers? Yes. That's how I got in their head. Is that the kind really? Yeah S, Larry, I mean, Scott, what do you want Larry understands the nature of this conversation No offense. The insurance do. Some taken. What do you already say? Yeah, 'cause everybody who says no offense is about to say something offensive Say it Okay S S. No, Larry, all I mean to say is y, I slap fire out your ass. This is Boston. It's shocking this hasn't happened already. All I mean to say, Larry is you're such a legendary basketball player. I would love to hear more about that Rather than ye, I mean,re you're out there selling insurance. I thought you just like were also riding commercials Listen, you wantna hear about basketball? Okay. Basketball is a lot like insurance Everybody needs one how does that pertain to basketball? everybody needs a basketball. And it also play basketball. What if somebody askks you to play? Many people gotta have one moreore than one. You gotta two things you keep your trunk at all times. A basketball and your insurance card. In your trunk? Yep. Don't you put it in that glve compartment Hey Larry, what is it? What are the kind of insurance to yourself? Car, home, life Can you bundle? Do you have bundles available? you bundle? You can bundle. What if you were to lose all three of those at once? If you were to lose your car and your home and your life at the same time? Yeah, like you're driving your car and then the brakes go out and you just plow right into your your house and it falls like it's made out of crackers Is Do they call that? like, is there a name for that? Is that like a triple double? Is there some sort of like That is what we call a triple double? Gob. Well, what is your name, sir? A Jason Mansukas. You are coo Bes C it up at this g. Huh What about me? Scottty Owx? Scottyie D. Scottty D, who the fuck calls you that Larry, take me through the NBA finals. We're experiencing some right now. The Celtics are back. What was it like? We're experiencing some of the NBA finals right now These are the terms we use to describe them. We've experienced some of the finals. You won your Championships with the Celtics? Yes And take us through that night. What's it like to win the tri All right after I'll tell you I'll take you back to one moment exact Come A Trophy? Yes, a trophy. in a ring You win two things? He bundles it, baby, Mama. He bundles. Hey, is the Stanley Cup the only sports trophy that has its own name? No, the NBA trophy is called Larry O'Brien. It's called the Larry O'Brien. Look, what's the World Series one called? A bunch of flags But this Stanley Cup, like no one gets their own Stanley Cup, right? They all drink from share it. Then they gotta give it back after They drinking hundreds of years of piss and beer Gotta share it. All right, you wanna hear about the NBA finals? Yes, of course. tell you The year was nineteen eighty six. Drove to the Boston Garden parked my car in the player parking lot Whatere were you driving back then, Larry? A Nissan se so cool. Fucking cool, small car, big guy. Yeah. Yep. It's hard to get six foot eight in the Nissan Z, but I did it. I took the front seats out and I drove from the back. Like Officer Hightower. Exactly. My favorite film. Really? What did I love about Police Academy? The sounds that Michael Winslow made. He's amazing. Wh D. All right. So I drove to the Boston Garden and I parked in the player parking lot. Yadda, yada, yada. I drove home. This was the championship game Game seven, when you're like in flow statest When you're in the game, when you're in flow state, you're in that you're in the zone, you you know, it is make or break, this is the final game, hopefully, like what's going through your mind? What's in like what's the interiority of Larry Bird during that championship? I'll tell you all about my interiority This is gonna be the interiority report. This is the interiority report. You've heard a minority report. This is the interiority report. Okay. It's nineteen eighty six. My shorts are up to here My two balls smooth as eggs falling out a little bit. I gota say. So you are on record as having two. two. Yes.ool. There has been a rumor. Listen, Boston people love me. and so they say certain things like Larry had three balls It'sree ball bird, they call it e ball bird. Three. Okay. interiority Three seconds on the clock We're up How many poets?h? How many poets? I don't remember. it was forty years ago Iteems important. I just know that we're winning the game. okay? But is it close? like ora? Blowout? It's not much of a blowout, no. All right. you ready for the interiority, Sott or you got any more shit headad questions So The gamees w and down And what's going through my head at that moment is all right, Larry, the sooner you get out of here, the sooner you get to get back in your car and drive. all through the Boston streets All the way back to your house in French Lake, Indiana. dy. You're gonna drive back and you're gonna drive back to Boston tomorrow for the parade That's a quick turnaround on that parade. So you commuted to every Boston game did not live in this damn city Spoiler alert. Oh, that guy's pissed. he's piissced. I know he was waiting on my bio pick And in that biopic, the big twist. Yeah, I never lived in Boston I've never spent one red cent in this dayn town And that's communist money? Yeah. A rdnd ye. That's communist moneys's full of comies. he's got damn comies out here Could we get one avatar spoiler One, just one. All right. It could be from the previous movies. it could be from one coming up I I've never seen any of them before. Just grab ' them all quick. Okay, You want 'em all quick? All right, all these tall blue people drive around, none of them have insurance. It's a horrible world Because they come from a different planet. It's called Pandora. And on Pandora, you don't need insurance. It is some kind of hell Acidents everywhere, nobody recouping the money Houses falling like they' made of rat shit Livies being lost kids growing up without their parents and not having any of their parents life insurance money, noody is in good hands. And that sums up the movies. Sorry, sir. Please forgive me So take us back to the game, baby, mommy, are they on the court. The clock isone one o' clock two o'clock threeockock. gone ra rain So this was a special game because instead of the time winding down, it went up So the game was getting longer and longer When my shorts were getting shorter and shorter I'm tipping at this point. You know what that mean Scott when you're tipping? St t in on phu phos? Ic. Wh where you poking out just a little bit like Got it. Got it. Poking off the bottom of the store. I've seen pictures of you Scott wearing shorts. I don't think you have I'm tipping all the time. That's why I got to dance like this, becausecause I'm squeezing my little dick between my knees, baby. Elvis, you have a little dick? Oh It's a little bit it's long like a shoelace, baby So lace N jealous much Bah bl. I am. You ever seen Elvis dance?'s got a little t little worm coming out the bottom of his parent leg. And he's trying to slip it back up. That's why he's doing that. C on come on up, come on up. You know I was talking about yourself in the third person. I saw Elvis at the International Theater in nineteen seventy seven in Los Anegeles. Wow. Yeah. at the Hilton International Las Vegas, Nevanda. Amazing. That was right before you faked your death. That's right. I remember you front row shirt off whopping it over your head.. I was just a freshman at Indiana State University. And I said, one day I'm gonna be the best basketball player ever and I'm gonna give you some insurance, Elvis And then he died Orast we thought, But today, today that declaration can come true. Gilmore Girls Jackson What else you got to say to me Lry Bird, everyone A. Lry Bird Well, one thing I did want to say to our fine collection of people here Is that it's a pleasure that you're all out here. You all came to Boston. Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt here is anybody see All fucking. Do that count? I n, I don't wantna again And I'm looking every seen two who's talking? I'm looking for my two fucking golden retrievers He's right there. I mean, I'm sorry to do this. I'm sorry to interrupt. Have you guys seen my fucking goldens? No. ong Hi. Pudge. Is that you Pudge? Yeah, it's me. It's Pudge. You still haven't found your golden retrievers? No, Sweet Caroline and they come to America. It's been a fucking listen, it's been fucking hard. It's been fucking hard the last. How you doing, my friend? Okay, listen I'm here and I know I'm interrupting your show and I know you're from fucking Hollywood But guess what? In Boston, you're all the same as us. You're just dust in the wind, my fucking friends. So let's get down to business. Have you seen my boys or have you not? 'ause until I find them, I'll keep searching. Where Where didd you get a microphone I swear, but they just hand me one. Can I get through here? I don't think he accounted for cabaret seating. No. You're coming on stage right now? What You can go around. Quick little hug. You can go around. Don't do a little h. Don't hus the ladies of the audience. Don't give hugs Now five fingers from anybody that's worth it. Oh God. Oh Jesus. Jesus, how you guys doing? I pge Nice to see you guys, everybody. Nice to fucking see you. It's been a long road. Please,ry Oh, thank you. Thank you I know. fucking stabven too. Please. Yeah, let's all switch Oh How are you guys doing? How you? I'm gonna take one terr away, wouldn't that be funny? Huge fan, by the way, huge fan of Ev this. Well absolutely aab mama. What's your favorite song, huh? Yeah, I understood that. What I get it, I understand. Yeah. Hey Pudch, it's good to see you again. But we saw you a couple years ago when we were in wherever it was, Bedford. I mean, Medford. I'll be honest, we went from Medford. We were in Medford, then we went up to Portland, Maine. Yeah, you were in Portland, Maine too And yeah, and then you know, I made my way across country and I'm looking for them and I'm sorry to tell you guys this I haven't found them yet. I haven't found them yet. Two years ago, I mean, there twowo years ago, that's six years ago for my daughter. My daughter's been missing six years. Your daughter's been missing six years. six years Yeahes, six is. You guys hungry? Always Wh's hungry? No, be honest and don't give me none of this bullshit from Hollywood where you're on a And noope All, let's get some wonder bread out here You got some bologna. I gota Who wants one? Who wants a? O what? Oh, a sandwich? Yeah, who wants a sandwich?? What they say you about peanut butter,be peanut butter please, peanut butter please, peanut butter pean butter pean butter please. No pe butter but I'm going gonna have a sandwich. You guys carry on with your fucking show. I'm gonna have a snack before I carry on with my serarch. You're gonna make a sandwich on the stage, baby. I see why the other guest has left You know, Scott, I won a lot of championships in that jersey right there. except we didn't play in the black ones back then. We had a strong, steadfast rom, No black jerseys. Basketball was great then And I was gay.. Cap for me. I'm your hero Hey Pudge. Yeah, what's up? Hi, my name's Cal. Can I ask you a question? How's it going?? Where overver there Pudge. lookook at Cal when he's talking to you. What's your daughter's name? My daughter's name? Yeah. Barbara Barbara? Yeah. How long ago did she go missing? Six years ago. Oh no, I'm so sorry. Yeah. My dogs went missing two yearso. Right, right. How many slices of bologna do you want on your sandwich? Zero This is one mustard Who's up first Wh's up Ch sandwich. Anyone want a sandwich out there? You want a sandwich. That's a good, good kid. That kid, guarantee that guy's seouth shore. Guarantee With this guy? what's he from Situent? S situ. These guys are a fucking situate. It could be he could be Plymouth. You know. Oh, okay. It could be Plymouth. What are you from Seaconk, my guy You could me all the way Cpe. What are you from Quincy? What are you Frail Bob? I'm sorry, are you Wu Tang? Holy. I'm sorry, Are you Dano? Oh my go He can't tell you right now he's got Wonder Bread stuck to the roof of his mou No No, I'm sorry to interrupt your show It's all right, Pudge. We want to find your golden retrivers, We want to find your daughter, especially how old was she when she went missing? You want me to be honest with you Yeah. my dght my daughter was, well, let me just tell you guys this Do do you want a spotlight? Do you wanna see if we can get a spotlight for? The stage to go dark and d a spotlight on me if it's able And I'll tell you the story of the day. my daughter won't miss her. Seems like it's unable Let's just give it another few seconds to see if we o, here we go. somethingomet's happening. We're getting somewhere. Let's see you know, slower? I think That's about as specific a light on you as they can do. This is a long story, so you're gonna have to deal with it. All right? All right, Pudge. we have a little bit of time. so go ahead, tellell me your story. nineteen eighty six. Oh, good year Celtics are in the playoffs. Crushing the Lakes, by the way. Fucking crushing the Lak is just about as hot as they crushing the Mavericks tonight. wa I think we were losing less than much j. No spoil spoil spoilers. No spoilers. Avatar S spoilers on. No, everybody's got it on Tivo I wake up in the morning and as every morning I wake up, I make my daughter a bowl of cereal. Can you guess the brand of cereal Kicks head's Whever said lucky chick Lucky Chams is the best Boston accent cereal. Lucky Chams. Lucky Chams. Captain Crunch. Lucky Chams. Honey crunches are oats And I send her off to Newton High I get a text from her. This is nineteen eighty six, baby. You get a text? Yeah. Wow. Un Un device. So first text? True story. F text, first nokia ever designed It came through on my Nochia, my phone it came through and she said, Hey, I'm not going make it home And I said, Wy, what's going on? Tonight we're gonna have and you know what we're having for dinner. If you're from Boston, we're having Lucky fucking chance. That's what this town's about, baby. Lucky charms in the morning, Lucky charms for dinner. Lucky charms. Kelly's roast beef in between all day long All day long. So I say, Hey, you gott to make it home. I mean tonight's your mother's birthday. And you guys all know my mother, Carolyn Right You know her Hold on a second You always start so heavy on one side. That is so much mustard. Okay. Who wants this one? That one is That's a mustard.. That one's got an ass piece.. They put a booty bread on that one. So my daughter tells me that she has a dance at night. She's not going to make it home. And your daughter's name is Nokia? My daughter's name is Nokia. This is in nineteen eighty six, by the way. nineteen eighty six. And your daughter's been missing for now six years.. Six years. Yeah, well, no That'sk me it took me about thirty years to recognize she was gone So since you noticed it, it's been six years. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, technically, we could go I mean, sure, who knows Oh man, the world's a funny place Right? am I wrong Okay, she tells me she has a dance that night and then I get a text that says, Hey, not interested in having a relationship What kind of fun do you have? U this is all seriously, this is all over a rotary It's all over a rotary. So it's on T nine. Morse code on a rotary And she said, she's not interested in having a relationship with me anymore. so I'll yourour daughter This is my daughter. Wow. Yeah. so I don't want to bring the room down. I know you guys are comedians. You're supposed to like you're supposed to be funny and stuff. Sir, I am not a comedian. I am an insurance salesman I am a disgraced CIA operative An aspiring rappa And I'm Gilmore Girl Jackson Well, I'm just doing the best job I can as a guy. you know to be honest Mud, it doesn'tound like you're doing all that great. I mean your daughter, please thrp some mustard in the center. Oh Again, it's so much mustard. That must be your taste. That must be what you think is anaropriate am. mustardastine. It's totally fine. And for anybody worried out there, they're like, oh, maybe he's dirty. I have not washed my hands. Who wants one over here? I really. I caution everybody against this Yeah now, it'll be. How long has that all of those ingredients been in your backpack Oh these? Yes, these. the ones you're using. The ones that you'reaking the sandwiches you're making on the floor of the theater. We're wondering about that. Y. Without exaggeration. I bought these the day my daughter went vising nineteen eighty six. nineteen eighty six It's it's been hot. But don't go on with this Pudge, Pudge. you're obviously a man in crisis. No, I'm not in crisis. I'm fine. Your daughter left you thirty years ago and you haven't dealt with it. I don't care about my daughter. I care about fucking sweet Caroline and they come into America. That's who I'm looking for. And if anybody don't you think that maybe that's maybe a projection or that's maybe maybe you should be looking for your daughter Who they Wh the fuckking you? He makes a good point, Jason, Oh you you. You got a problem with me? I mean No, I don't know who you are. You come into my life this is like I'm not in your house, my guy. I'm at the Wilba brok. You're f You came out to my stage. No, I' You're just chucking bologna sandwiches into the crowd Well, why don't you man up and eat one? Absolutely not. Eat one. E Eat one. I one. eating. Absolutely not. Eat one. Oh, come on, that ballologna is soaking wellet, baby. B the way. It looks like it came fresh from an aquarium by to remember in the green room saying it's been a very long time since I've had a bologna sandwich and I am not starting now. No I'm also now understanding the forced conversation around bologna sandwiches If we would eat them. Do you know when you go if you go to star? No to st Star Market. If you go to Star Market