Trading Pants and Final Thoughts

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It's like I can't stop I'm addicted Start your free trial at shhopify d. comot Hey everyone. this is Scott Okerman and welcome to another bonus Bang where we are rereleasing great episodes of comomedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And this week's bonus Bang is the latest episode in a series that we are calling Quicky with Kayla Dicky. Where we of course are showcasing episodes featuring Kayla Dickkey played by that performer, you all know and love Lillily Sullivan. Kayla is a simple woman with a simple dream of meeting a guy who owns the biggest truck on the market. Now this episode is called twenty twenty four Tour, Denver. It was recorded live at the Paramount Theater in Denver on our twenty twenty four live tour It was originally released to subscribers at cbbworld dot com on july twenty fourth, twenty twenty four. This one also stars Pauliff Tompkins as Mason Clodge Carl Tart as Hooodie and Ryan Gall as financial advisor, Doug Gropes Now this episode is especially ground beefing and notable because it features the very first appearance of essayist Mason Clodge And it is a homecoming for Kayla who is a native of Montrose, Colorado. So a lot going on here Now if you would like to witness historic live comedy moments like this, you are in luck because CBB is heading out on our ground beefing tour twenty twenty six in just a few days. We're going to be in Toronto on Monday And then down to the states for so many dates. We hope to see you out there. You can get all of the ticket information at cbbworld d. com slash tour You can see me, Paul F. Tomkins and the comy bang all comomedy Bang all stars. We're going to throw an extra bang in there we even think. So comedy bang bang all stars And in September, we're going to be returning to the venue where this episode was recorded the Paramount Theater in Denver. So that's fun. You can check out all of the tour dates again at cBbworld dot com slash tour. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB Presents, Scott Asn't seene, Neighborhood Listen College toown Come a subscriber at cBBworld. com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live episode we've ever done, ad free new episodes, even more original shows. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of comedy Bang bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang This is my favorite Denver Except for Gilligan, of course Fucking comedy bang bang Thank you. Thank you to Allvado Mendees from Panama. Cch for a superstar. Hello, Denver. so good to be back. Thank you for having us We have not been here in so long If the last time we were here, anyone herear the last time we were here? Whoa. If you got so hot and heavy by all the wonderful comedy and went home and banged your significant other and One of you got pregnant, the kid would be seven now 'cause we were here eight years ago Did that happen I always find it funny when you like kids You know, they know when they were boren, but when they figure out what was going on in their parents' life like the nine months before. and I realized I was with my parents about a year ago and I backed it all up and I was like, was I conceived on nine eleven Very rude, very rude Guys welcome to the show. My name is Scott Arker, and it's such a pleasure be here in Denver, Colorado We were here in this theater The Paramount Theater, I kind of remember it, maybe But it's wonderful to be back and I'm so happy we could come back this year. And has anyone Does anyone here not know what comedy Bangming is? They just kind of bought a ticket and they have never heard right here? You sir. All right Great And you're proud of it? You have a good seat? This is probably expensive. What are you doing Someone brought you is that That's so nice. o my gosh. That's so cool. He said he needed more joy in his life. so he just bought tickets. That's amazing. If you're not fucking with me Okay, he's done. I believe you Well, let me explain for you and for those of you who have not been to one of these shows before what it is. It's essentially a talk show. We have these on sometimes in the morning, sometimes late at night They're called chat shows sometimes in other countries, especially. The primary characteristic of these shows is they don't have scs. What you're about to see here tonight is a Discussion that has not been had before, has not been talked about, has not been prearranged. I am the host of the talk show. I'll have several guests out here. We have not talked about what we're going to talk about. We have not even really discussed anything, some of them I've never even met before. These are all just new conversations with people The show you're gonna to see here tonight has never been done before And thank God we'll never be done again Yes. And we have a great show. We have coming up, We have an essayist willll be here We have a singer Pretty famous singer. I have to say We have a reality TV show star and a financial advisor. so that's Get your wallets out But before we get to all that I like to I was gonna say warm up the audience, but It's not even a warm upp at setting you guys on fucking fire We're about to do What I like to call the most exciting fifteen secondconds in podcasting We're about to do something that I call the balcony Report, Denver What is the balcony report Quite simply, it is a way for you here in the audience. It's instructional. I'm sure that someone came out here and pointed out the fire exits beforehand This is instructional for you to know in case you want to visit it, in case you want to turnurn around and don't turn around right now. Don't spoil the fun In case you want to view it, in case you want to imagine yourself up there, some people are already up there Cheapskates. But this is for everyone in this audience and the audience at home to learn instructionally how many balconies are in each of the venues in which we perform. A lot of people, they don't get out of their shito towns And they can only imagine a world where places have balconies and running water So this is for them These podcast listeners somehow have computers Now what I'm gonna do is I'm going to give you two numbers, Denver. I'm gonna give you the number of the balconies that are here within the Paramount Theater here tonight And that's going to be exciting as hell But then I'm gonna give you an even bigger number And that number is the number of balconies total in which we have performed to date. On this tour Yeah yeah. So pretty exciting. To this point, up to last night, we have performed in front of fourteen balconies. That's It's pretty P're prettyty good. We're in the first third of the tour, not bad, right? So the first number is going to be lower than the second number is going to be that number added to the number I just revealed, which is not an official number O of that's not one of the two numbers I described. That was a bonus number Does everyone understand Swapping out Qitten time First five minutes of the show, I am done Thrown off her jersey like Kobe of the Lakers It's okay to mention him. he was a laker People still mention Martin Luther King and that didn't end well fectionately Hello, sir. Glad to have you on I realize now you're not looking at me Are you prepared? I need a verbal yes If any of these fucking weirdos rush the stage seriously, what is your martial arts training Lking to you Thank you. I actually would like to pull the entire audience as to your martial arts treatman. I'm talking to of course, our security guard over here. It's very confusing. I'm gesturing slightly over to the side. I understand This is a guy I want you to watch out for All right, two numbers And I'm pretty sure I'm correct about the first one Having a good look at it, yeah Because Denver, Colorado, I am pleased as punch, to announce The Paramount Theater has one balcony You gotta be, of course you're proud. off course you're proud Now remember, I said we had fourteen balconies total originally. We're going to add this number of balconies to that number Hold on to your fucking asses. Here we go. Because Denver, Colorado to date, the comedy Bang Bang into your mouth twenty four tour has performed In front of fifteen balconies Wow So yeah That just happened Well guys, are we ready to start the show? Enough of these foolishness, shenanigans, Tomfoolery. We have a wonderful show, and I'm excited because every once in a while you get to meet new people when you do a show like this. This is someone who's never been on the show before, but I mentioned he is an essayist. Very, very excited to welcome to the show, Mason Clodge Sry. Thank you for having me here, Mister Alkerman Mason, ye first of all, what a reception, an incredible ovation for you. Yeah, that's really nice. thans, everybody I was surprised when you walked out here because I was told by my producer that you're an essayist. Yeah, you an essay, I won a prize. And you are obviously a Young young boy. Yeah ten Wonderful. Thank you Well, that's exciting, You won a prize Are you from Denver here? Yeah, was born and raised in Denver. Essentially I've lived here all my life Although you really only have been half raised at this point What I imagine you've been sentients, you know, developing thoughts for about, you know eight years at this point, you have another eight to go. You've been half raised until you're a man. unless, of course you're of the faith of Judaism, in which case you would perhaps be a man Could you talk to me like I'm a kid? I' I didn't understand any of that sentially, Essentially, I So essentially, I'm ten years old and so all ten years I've lived in Denver Wonderful.come welcome to the show. Great to have you. Thank you. You say you wrote an essay. Yeah. It's a two step process. wrote an essay, won a prize You also have to submit the essay Anyone can write an essay and have a lie around their house But if you wan to win, you gotta send it in Is that like a rhyming slogan the contest has It's big it's what I like about Denver contest. They do it every year. What I like about Denver? Yeah, favorite so I did my favorite place. So every year essentially every year They do this contest where kids, ten year old, if you're ten, then you can write an essay and you say a thing that you like about Denver then and then essentially they look at all of them then then and then somebody wins it. And three and it's three people, essentially there's first, second and third place. You have to be ten years old, you have to be ten years old on the dot? Like do you have to ride it on your birthday? U, I don't think so So there's no age ranges. This is just purely for ten year olds. Once you're eleven, it's like Menudo. I don't know, I know you don't know what that is. Is that a food? Is right? Is that a food? So some. I've had two starters Did you like them? Yeah, I' great Is that a new experience for you? Essentially, it's like a sandwich. It' from Mexico. That's one it's not a taco. Your name's Mason. Mason. Mason Clodge My middle name is Ignatius Ignacious. Yeah. Is that a based why did your parents name you Ignatious? I don't know, they never told me You could ask them, you know, I guess I could He's out. Bye. Will we be switching the security every five minutes I like it. let's the nut get too drowsy. G, stay vigilant So are your parents are still with us? Yeah, I live with them. And they you know, they're nice about they're good about my writing and they always encourage it. And so they said, Mason you should enter the contest. and essentially I did. then then and then and then I won That's wonderful. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you And so when you so when you win, you get what you get a you get so essentially you get Theur prize? is that where we're talking? Yeah. You get a bunch of things. You get a hundred dollars savings bond. Wow. Yeah. And when does that mature What Well if you were to cash it in how much would it be worth right now? No, I can't cash it in until I'm twenty one years old, Wha And then you get a hundred dollars. Yeah. Can you imagine Th Th you also get, you get a six pack of real Coca Cola Are there fake Coca Colas out there that I don't know about? I mean, like the actual not the store brand, but the real one What You know how? okay, esssentially when you go to a store, they have a soda that looks like Coca Cola, but it's not really Coca Cola, but they make it look like it. Okay, I see. So like a generic brand or Ca brand, a cheaper brand. Essentially yeah. Is that what your parents always buy? Sometimes And then the last thing you get is you get a full scholarship to the College of your choice. Ohve your choice. Yeah You can go anywhere you want. Do you have to choose now or can you choose when you're about to go to college? I have forty eight hours to choose. The clock is ticking, my man. I know. What are you interested in? Essentially, I thought that I could go to Harvard O or I could go or I could go or I could go to a school to learn how to be a stuntman So if you choose Harvard, is Harvard obligated to take you? Yeah Choose Harvard do you want to hear my essay I brought it with me? I do yeah. Oh, I would love to hear your essay. Yeah Thanks everybody. This is an essay about you were telling us what you love about Denver. Yeah Yeah. Eesssentially every year you you have to write an essay when you ten, esssentially every year when they have ten year olds write an essay about their favorite thing in Denver. and so Mine is my favorite place Your favorite place W by Mason Claodge. Mason I Clodge Pents You're presenting this essay? Like Fast and the Furious presented Hobson versus S Wait, was it H's versus Sop A lot of it, honestly, it felt like it. I thought they were friends. They had a begrudging mutual respect, but they honestly, they were so mean to each other. Yeah. You saw that? Yeah I've seen everything in the Fast and Furious universe Even that short film that V been Diesel directed ye Everybody's playing around in the surf My favorite place in Denver, NSA by Mason I Codge Thach ten. Winner My favorite My favorite place is Denver Airport Planes fly in and out of it every day and they are always full of people from every place you could imagine. It makes me proud to be from Denver that so many people want to come here and the people that liave here are probably sad they have to go There are many interesting things in the Denver Airport. There is a big blue horse with glowing red eyes Oyion is over thirty feet tall Part of it killed the man who made it But they put it up anyway because it was already paid for There are a lot of our works in the Denver Airport. Some people find them scary, but some people find them nice. I like the tunnels under the airport the best because that's where I live with my dad He is a lizard that walks on two legs and speaks English Every Saturday, we play Connect four. At night, my dad and I leave the tunnels and walk around the airport together in a system of above ground catacombs behind the walls We look at people's sleep and sometimes my dad transnds a special light on them to make them pliant and obedient Theam that says we don't need to make everybody obedient just enough Someday I want to build a cowboy statue who will ride the big Blue horse, and he will look like a lizard with a cowboy hat and a laiot If you ever have to fly anywhere, I recommend the Denver Airport, the end. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Mason Big glaring detail. The horse statue is outside the airport The airport has it. It possesses it. Yeah. I said the airport has it. I didn't say it was inside Okay, other than that though No, obviously there's one thing that's sticking out to me. What? U Your father the lizard man, you were saying? Or he's purely a lizard? No, he's a lizard man. He's a lizard man. Yeah. A lizard with the qualities and properties of a man. Essentially, he looks like a man. Who is a lizard He looks like a man who is a lizard, but what is he? A lizard man So he looks like A lizard who's a man, and he is a lizard. Who's a man Yeah, so essentially first he looks like a lizard who is a man, and then second he is a lizard man Okay. No First, he is a lizard man. Secondly, he is a lizard who looks like a man But like a lizard It's like its face is like a lizard. But he walks erect H He walks on two legs. Walks on two legs, not on four. That's right to walk on four would break the law What do you mean This is the island of Dr. Moreau, of course, that I'm referencing. but But u Are Are you a lizard? No, I'm a boy. Meaning you're young, but you're a human? Yeah. My dad I know that I don't look like my dad. He says that he found me in somebody's house I was all by myself in a crib He felt bad for me, so he took me to his home We'll get to that in a sec So your father, what's his name Dad. Of course Your father is a sentient. Why do you I don't know what that means. He He has the brain of a human. Yeah, I guess. He's able to communicate. Yeah. He has feelings. he has hopes, he has dreams. I guess Lizard creature from Earth? I don't know. I don't think so. 'causeuse heks sometimes essentially sometimes my dad talks about going home again and I say, where? and he goes far, far away. And I say, showow me on the map. And he goes, it's not on the map. And I say, show me on the globe and he says, tryry again sport So perhaps from a parallel earth or dimension wherein lizards rule enter at the top of the animal kingdom Do That sound safe to say? What do you mean safe Like are we to get in trouble if we say it? No, you're safe here. This is a safe space. I'm glad you shared this with me. It's a unique tale But I am concerned because some of the details in there are that you were communicating to us were that your father is trying to make human beings docile and pliant. Some of them ye. What does he do with those I don't know, they go away. They go where they're going and then he says, the time's not right yet And I say the time for what? And he goes, Boy, oh boy, you'll see. He did promise me that I will rule the humans He'll set me up as their king. So I might not even go to college My dad really wants me to go though Here are the two scenarios I'm concerned about One is that he's making these humans docile and pliant so that he can lead them to their deaths Well, he never said Okay, but he doesn't say toastly. he saysient, obedience. Yeah So obeying his commands to you know, walk off a cliff or something like that. Basically he's here to depopulate the earth. I mean maybe. That's one scenario. I don't Yeahah. Scenario two is he's enslaving these humans and taking them to his dimension. Uu And he's at some point going to have enough of us and then We're maybe going to be in a battle with you know the lizard's arch enemies or something like that. Has he mentioned anything like that I mean mostly When he says essentially, when he says that you need just enough, he means that the obedient humans will take care of the non obedient humans I think that's nice This sounds like he's trying to take over this earth then. He's trying to subjugate a certain amount of humans the majority of the population who will then herd us like cattle into slavery pens. What's suchj a gate Uh do you know what slaves are? Tell me all about it I think it's one of those things in the fifth element where When she saw that montage of everything that happened in history and she got to Hitler and slaves, it made her cry, you know, What if I didn't see that? Oh, you gotta see it. Really? Yeah Oh yeah. Chris Tucker Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth I do, thank you for asking, Mason. I've seen esssentially, I've seen all the Rusush Hour films as well. All Okay, you're still number three. Okay Therewesome movement, thought there was another swap. Are you in the middle of a double shift right now? Ten minutes instead of five strange employment practicesices going on. I'm not quite sure. This is the weirdest thing I can think of right now So he's trying to take over the earth with lizard people. Are you the only or is your father the only lizard person that you know of? No, there's tongues down there in the tunnels in the tunnels. Yeah. Are these tunnels that he has dug? He and the rest of his Iilt, nobody? No They've always been there, they always have, and they always will. Okay. Well that's very unsettling. Why Well, I I, you know, I want to live the life that I've chosen to live. But nobody gets to do that Really? How do you mean? Well, because okay, essentially my dad says that life is complicated and that you may have some plans of what you're going to do, but it might not turn out that way. So essentially what your life is is what life allowed you to do Sure But for instance, this is getting back to you in the crib. U I understand that you were probably alone in the crib. I was all alone in there. But this dark room, just a little baby in a crib, nobody around in the room at all But your parents were Your parents were probably sleeping in the next room over. No, my dad's a lizard man We play Cnect four every Saturday. Why so long in between games So my dad says so we can look forward to it How good are you? I win seventy five percent of the time. That's pretty good for a little boy. Yeah, prettyty good at Cnect four. Yeah. What's your strategy? Diagonally Spart, you gotta be sneaky P Pretty sky, Sis. I am sis It wasn't good to ask, but Great Do you u I guess would you be happy if people like me and people like these fine people of Denver were to become slaves. I mean, my dad never said slaves. He just said things are gonna be different and it's gonna make the world a better place. My dad's a real good guy Why do you think he's such a good guy? All the other lizard people look up to him and say he's a great guy. Almost like they're king M Essentially, baby He just wants what's best for everybody. That's why I like him so much It Just seems to me like he wants what's best for the lizards, not what's best for the human beings. And you being a human, can I ask you a question? Sure. How are things going right now Honestly, I would take a lizard over what's going on right now. You'll like it. We have a lot of fun in the tunnels. Do you really? Yeah. First of all, there's always an echo And it never gets old. Did you ever ask for more in the monitors Sometimes it's fun. Yeah. Pretend I'm on a stage. What else do you do? I mean, the Echo Cnect four once a week. We ride scooters down there. Wow. Th the tunnels are really long. you can go and go and go and go You know, you can do all those things up here, other than the echo, I guess. See? Also, we can monitor the world's governments Have you installed some sort of surveillance Me Lveded as a kid, be j. Have the lizard people, do they have some sort of network of surveillance hous? We can see in the offices of every world leader and every defefense department It's fun It must be is that why time I saw the president sneeze Okay Is that why it's an oval offffice, you know, because it's like harder to get a good angle If there happen to be secret cameras in there Do you know what I mean? I think that's a question for somebody else What's your favorite thing to do What's your favorite thing to do is You know, I like music and I like hanging out with friends. How dod you like to listen to music all day with your friends? It sounds great. Yeahah. What's the catch You you're well, essentially You will think that's what you're doing Okay, so We're being lulled to some sort of dream state where our bodies are performing manual labor, I would imagine, while our minds, we think that we or perhaps more like the Matrix, we're providing food and sustenance for these lizards. Is not like the Matrix Okay, so was I was in school, we made we did this experiment where we put some wires into a potato and it made a clock go So the humans would be the potato And the clock would be, you know, other machines Well, a potato can't hang out with his friends and listen to music Well, I mean, maybe it'll be great. It will be. I promise. I guess my only other question is why did you win this contest? Do they not have the same concerns that I have? Well, essentially the contest happened in the tunnels and The judges were lizard people Okay Well, congratulations to Mason. This is like so amazing.. So nice to meet you. Everybody. Come back and keep us abreast of your progress. Sure. Yeah. Mason Clodege, everyone. Mason Claude Everybody Thank you. Thank you This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, Squarespace It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer, and get paid all in one place I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services, and get paid with built in scheduling, invoicing, and email tools You can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates, no experience needed. plus built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. 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We mentioned music earlier. What's your favorite song Oh Probably I had a Dream Joe by Nick Cave and the Bad Seds Lizard or no, I worry that your father is not Giving you proper boundaries with all of the media you consume Well, that's great. Well Do you like u U nineties music. Do you know haveave you ever heard any of that? That' before I was alive, so no I don't know it. it's so good. Yeah. Do you mean any music from all of the nineties? Sure, any song that was released between the years nineteen hundred ninety and nineteen hundred ninety nine. So excluding the eighteen nineties and before I'll allow it So you do know some of that? No Well we have a genuine superstar here. Num one hits Numbers one hits, not sure how to pluralize that, but number one hits he segued then into country music where he made a name for himself. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hoody everyone. Wow! Scott, let him hear it Scott, let him hear it Darius Rucker himself. No, no, you have set these people up for failure. I am not Darius Rucker. My name is Hudie McPherson and I clean fish tanks for a living. I've been dealing with this for over thirty years Who didn't get you this information? My producer back there, you're just a guy? I'm just a guy My name is Hudie McPherson. I work, I own a company, McPherson Fish tank Cleaning. Do you have a fish tank I don't even have a fish, let alone a tank. G get a fish tank, I'll clean it Do you have a fish tank? Yeah I'll clean it. Figs for free. No hell no But I'm not going to get a fish tank There no up upside me. There is upside for you having a clean fish tank. Yeah that I have to pay for? Yes. So life' free. I think life is free. All right, all right, all right. I can't believe this. I can't believe you introduced me like that You had all these people excited to see Daria as Rucker and that is not me. I'm sorry. You have' sorry to these people I admit it's confusing. I mean, the band's name is Hoot and the blowfish, and then you find out there's no one named Hootie, there's this guy Darryus Rucker, but there is a guy named Hootie. his name is me And I could swear these guys came into my fish tank cleaning business one day in the early nineties, and they were fascinated with me. And I don't know what it was about But they just love themselves and me Where is your fish tank business? Where is it at? Sure. Is that what you asked? I did ask I. Do you have enough time to respond now? No, I couldn't hear you. The mic's not working. My mic's not working. It's working now. Oh, it's working. Okay. Alpharetta Georgia. Alphaereta Georgia. Is that where who do the blowfish are from? I don't know. I don't know those guys But one day I do think Darryus Ruckgers from South Carolina. Okay. So one day though, the group comes in. One day this group comes in. I guess they're a group. a bunch of guys walk in and say, ooh, nice fish tanks. I go, you guys have one? And they go, no. And then I said, well, if you get a fish tank, I'll clean it for you. They go for free. I say, hell no And they all walk out But then as one was walking out, he goes, there's something about you. Next thing I know, my name is at the top of the charts. And what am I doing cleaning the bottom of tanks The irony, the irony What if you clean the top of the fish tanks? then you do that too. Okay, Scott. I'm just saying. You have to clean the tank. What are you talking about? Is your mic dipping out It's own. just you seem very upset about the dichotomy between they're at the top of the charts and you're at the bottom of the tank. If you cleaned the top of the tank, then you'd both be at the top. That doesn't make sense. That's not what we're talking about, Scott. Okay. Just trying to help. Look, so you recognize these guys I recognized that when I saw their music video, I said, those were the guys that came into my shop. And ha a brief twenty second interaction with you, and you rememember them. One thing about O Hootie, he never forgets a face That's my slogan in my commercials back in Alpharetta. How would How would that factor into your business? How would that factor into your business at all? Why would you ever That's how you keep customers coming back. You never forget their faces. You don't remember any names, but you never forget their faces. As soon as they come in, you go, You've been here before Yes I think the mic might be. I think it might be, but yeah, C we get a different one? You wantan to switch it out. You wan to go together? You stay here. No, we'll go together. We'll leave Mason out here Has anybody here ever been to the Denver airport All right, Mason, we're back, we're back So It's actually not on Now. He's back, Beck. So do you remember the fish faces? Every single one of them. They all look the same Tee the truth? Yeah. I hate fish It's one of the reasons I don't have a tank. I had a goldfish when I was young and it was such a pain in the ass. Oh Wow.. Is it because I'm holding the bottom of it, blocking the signal? I don't. Oh wait, it's happened to me too, didn't it? Do you want this one? It might be the' happening the Denver Airport Is your father coming here tonight? I mean, he's gonna pick me up later It might be just the monitors. I don't know. they might be hearing us Maybe so, you know. They can hear us. I love to hear that. Let me look at all these faces. I can remember them forever. So why do you hate fish so much? They're They stink? Yeah. They smell like like they have this fishy smell. They smell like fish. Can you believe it? And they sit everywhere That's the thing. Theyit in their own houses. They sit in their own houses. yes we do too. I don't. I still use an outhouse. I wouldn't dare desecate my home that way I mean, you paid a lot of money for that. And then suddenly like we're shitting in them, it's likely do that outside like a normal human. ten houses in the name Hh. House is the name out house. Oh, yes. So It's a different type of house. You're still doing it in a house That's spelled H A US with an umlau House is in the name of house as well, MD I ask you a question, who's name please? Who's the dirtiest fish? The dirtiest fish? I'm so glad you asked The shark, The hammerhead shark, a real asshole Do you carry a lot of hammerhead sharks in your store? People have hammerhead sharks and they need the tanks cleaned. How do you do that, then? Because obviously, you don't wan to get bitten by one, or you like dodging him. I wish a shark would bite me How was this St Wood trying to Ill bite that motherfucker bat Right on his back Where the finin is, where the fab biteed finin off You anyay Scy, you're gonna let me my poetry or what S thing goody You only had to ask Let's hear a little of the poetic stylings of Hoody McPherson. Is that right? The water is warm. The tank is cold Where will I be tomorrow? who knows? PZyike Fin And that is finin like the one that I bit off the back of the shark So now you have bit a finin off the back of a shirark? I would, in my mind, I had. Okay All the time. So is that what was that about? Y emotions? Y. That was about emotions. Yeah. That was let's break it down. recite it again. Okay The water is warm cold way, I'm gonna rewrite my head becausecause I realizeed I don't like a certain part. Was it the part that Cld didn't rhyme with anything? It doesn't have to rhyme as poetry. al right, all right. Soee that's the problem. I tried forever to do poetry in my hometown of Alphareta, Georgia. and everybody was like, sing that song. And I go, I don't sing. That's not me But honestly I would learn the song because situations like this are going come up where you know a hapless host of a talk show invites someone they think is famous to be on it. whyy don't you just sing the song? No think is famous. I have a ton of local commercials in Alpharetta. I never forget a face. Everybody knows this about me Sure, but I mean maybe you could sing a little bit of the song for us. I mean, they wouldn't mind you're not the real guy, you know Let me think No Thanks for thinking about it, about it. I appreciate. I too a l deep. think about it. Anyway, do the rewrite of your poem. Okay, The water is cold. Tank is warm Where will I be tomorrow? I don't know. Psych. That was my favorite part. Yeah. ye The psych part, the psych psych you out. Yeah. 'ause you're an unreliable narrator What What do you mean by that? That sounds insulting.ify. Don't bite my finin off, Bootie. I will bite your fin off, Scott Akerman Anyway, psych. I do know. Far So that's about Emotions. That's about emotions, guysott. Where are you I'm a emotional guy. Right, yeah. I live in my emotions. What are the emotions you access most frequently? The emotions I access most frequently The emotions I access most frequently are sadness. That's a common one. That's a common one. All Cstantly sad because they're using my name and they're not paying me for it. Yeah. Do you find people come into the store and they think it's gonna to be the hooodie and Well, they think it's gonna to be McPherson. But then I say Hey, my name is Hooodie. They go, Wait a minute. and I go, donon't even do it Don't even start it, don't even do it, and they still do it They still do it. do what ask you to sing the song? And you don't wanna sing the song? Not even like a little bit. That's all you gonna get. It's pretty good. Thankks I'll sing another song. Oh, okay. nameame it. An song An song. Um What's your favorite song, Mason? I had a dream job and it gave in the bath seats Forgotten Stay that one for me one more time I had a Dream joke by Nick Caave in the Bad seeds. You know, I don't think I know that. I might not know that one. What about a song like Wap for instance? Ws? Sure Whap singular sensation and every little step she takes, blah bl blah, blah blah whap The wet ass pussy Thank you I mean, you have a nice voice. I would say if you were to maybe learn some of the Hootie and the Blowfish songs, life would be a little easier for you. Life is hard, Scott. What Did't you just yell at me And I didn't wantt say it again. See? Yeah. Coward. Coward is say it none or a thousand times. Nothing in between Oh dear. All right.. Opt for none Scott, I'm so happy to be here with you. How you? You are one of the only people who really stood in my corner when I was going through all of my trip. I just met you. Was this on stage? Yes. Yes. Right now on stage, you were one of the only people that really stayed in my corner. I'm happy to do that. This lady's yelling at me. I know I'm happy to do it, Hoodie. It's great great to have you on the show. Call me, Hoodie. I think I did, but But it's great to have you on the show. I'm a little disappointed, obviously. Well Wise. As hooties go, am I not tall enough? A you plenty tall Okay. But as hooodies go, you're a distant second to the titular hooodie. I am the titular hoodie I am the Tits hootie, okay He got that from me. That's not even his name. What did he look like when he was in the store? Did he steal your whole look to or he looked exactly like me With a baseball hat, a goie, walking around with a guitar just like I do. You do? Yes. We haven't talked about that. I walk around my store doing poetry and strumming a guitar, singing other songs that are not his. Should't you be cleaning the fish tanks Scott Are you gonna let me run my business the way I wantan to run it Okay, I would. The lizard people might take umbraidge, but are you kidding me? They love tanks. You heard that, didn't you? did I did hear it. So yeah, I'm a little disappointed, but wow. Okay, now, did it cut out for you then? Okay, we have an issue. We have an audio issue, ladies and gentlemen. Tell me about it. I think it is the transmitter on the bottom of the mic. Okay, we all need to stop touching these transmitters. Not all of us, just the people who are doing it I hold the mic like this. So hold it like this just gently. and if you need to if you need to pull it away or move it closer, in Colorado, man A up, up So what any more questions, Scott? What did he steal from you? It sounds like he looked exactly like you. He carried a guitar He toole the tone of my singing voice I heard you sing I sound just like you He I don't think you do, honestly. and the only way to tell is if you were to sing one of his big songs People wna hear it Scott. I'll say to these people what I say to every person who comes in my business without a fish steak. Fuck you It way to hold you, right? It's fun. G'onna get a cramp I hope everybody's drinking, the altitude is up there. Yeah. So pretty li today? Yeah. Will you sing a different song then in the cadence of your own cadence, which Hooodie stole from you? Name a song, Scott I said Scott. U let's see. How about Alanis Moret? I dream joob by gave with the fan. I've got this Mason, I've gotta have to Google those lyrics. You ought to know by Alanis Moriset. Why do you keep asking me to sing songs? that I don't know. You don't know that I know I kind of know it. She goes to a theater and she like suckxes Dick That's mainly what it's about B you know the chus And I'm here to remind you the mess you made when you went away. It's not fair. ind of the cross when you gave to me, help help, help out I had a dream. I had a dream. I had a dream, Joob. I had a dream, Joe. Are you saying Job like from the Bible No know, Joe. Joe like Joe Biden Everything was going according to plan Is he one of the obedient humans or one of the lizard people? Your mic is cutting out again I don't think so Scott I just want to say thank you for having me. You have been the one person who stood in my corner all I'm happy to do it. We barely know each other. I don't know that we're ever gonna meet again. What? Not a knock, not a slam. I'll be back forever All right, hootie everyone. Hootie thising boot? Yeah All right, well, that's the best thing to go about it this Your outdoor space should feel like you, right? You know, maybe you want a fire pit outside. Maybe you want a ice sculpture outside. I don't know that that's possible, but a fire pit certainly is, as well as outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio lighting, rugs, decor Well, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. You can shop with Wayfair Verified your shortcut to the good stuff. 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It feels good to Gaeiko Well, Mason, you're a Colorado native, born and half raised here And you are not from here. I'm from Alphareta, Georgia but I've been all over Colorado. Really why Fort Collins. Brand Junctson Alamosa Durango. Gunnison Okay. I believe you. I've been to all those places. Colorado College of Mindes A lot of fish in these area. Yeah, I was on the fish tank cleaning deed in college Then you went pro. I went pro And then my identity was stolen ' we don't need to get back in here. Do You wantan to hear the whole thing again? Okay. we've reset. Well, I was gonna say, Mason, you're from here. and it's always a pleasure to have a local person on the show, someone who is from the area, just a person of interest. and we have one here tonight. She is She worked at David's brridal for a bit Please welcome Kayla Dickkey By Yeah, Mason, you can't sit there. Where do I go? My dad's not gonna be here for a while You'll have to stand. You can sit, Mr. Hooody. You're my older. Howy do we move this over here and you can Why don didt I sit next to you, mister. Ockerman You wantanna sit next to me? Yeah, no Come sit by me, little boy Oh Oh my God, this is so hot Hello, man. Hello. God, it is so good to be here, Scott.' So great to see you Kayla. I love my home state of Colorado Yes It is so good to be back in town. That's right. you're from here. Yeah. And for those of you who don't know Caleb personally or haven't heard her on the show. R, just run through a brief recap of your details. Okay, gosh, where to begin? I love guys with a big, bag bag truck And a small deck Those are the two criteria. They are the two criteria. They go hand in hand Has there ever been a man who's bought a big, big truck who's had like a medium sized penis or a large one? This is such a good question that you ask me every time And no that's never been the case It's always that if you have a bang, man, man, man, bang, man, track You have a small tck. Can I ask and this is a new wrinkle? W on this question It's a given, they all have tiny penises. Yeah. Are there different sizes in the tiny penises so that like, oh wow, for a tiny penis, he's got a really big one You know, G, such too a question, Scott. Guys, you're on fire tonight Oh I would say that you know how I like the size of the dick to be the size of a dice. One dice. One dice. Yeah, a dice And no dice. You know how when you play different games, there's different sizes of dices? Sure, There's twenty sided dice sometimes. Sometimes, ye And so that's kind of what D' can be like for me But I would say most of them are the size of They normalize And that's what you like. One dice, yeah. I love it. It's so hot and cool and hot And then your other details. That's primarily what you're known for, but your other details, you worked at David's Bridal. Yeah. So I am from Montse, Colorado. giveive it up . We love it. And basically I used to work for the mayor of Montrse, Jud Weby, who was this really awesome, cool guy. All me and my girls worked as his assistants. Then he burned the house down burn the town down, excuse me. Burn the whole town down.ull all the houses. All the houses.' down because he left multiple curling irons on in the town. Then he fled into the woods and lived as a bear for ten years. and me and my girls would go up to JugBabB Trail, aptly named And we would yell for Jud, and then Jud wouldn't come. And then one day I saw him eating out of the trash. and I said, Jud, and there it was, that was him. And we got back together and then I lived on a compound with me and my girls and Jud. And then I fled the compound for a bit because I heard about a new truck that was rumored to be rumored to be out on the Facebook message board And I have been kind of jumping around, but I always go back to Jud. But Then I go back to the truck And Jud, when he was a bear, he didn't own trucks, did he? No, but he always knew which trucks were going to be out next. He always had his finger or his paw on the pulse And then you were also on a reality show where you dated guys with trucks? Yeah, I've been on Lov' truck. U I was on more recently the trucker or the trucker at And but I fled. I actually fled those which you fled Yeah, because Netflix will come after you. Re. Yeah. Okay. It's standard Netflix stuff. they'll hunt you down. Wow. But I had to flee because this month, this month starting today Is No Good guess, I guess, considering her details, which you ran through really quickly, I appreciate. You're welcome. I don't have a guess. This month is Now over Small dickmond. Wh Sav it up Kings, stand up if you have a small day Oh a pr. Today is the day. I love you all. you kings. Oh, I see you. If you're with a man you know has a small dig, point him out. There you are There you are, S I see you. Right there, there you are, smallall o he's pointing. So that means the guy who's pointing has the small deg. Proud, right? Proud, Give it odd for my small deg King Looking good tonight, you king. Wow, God, I love Smocket Sm Dick month. That's why I'm so happy to be up here with you, Scott How do you celebrate privately You don't need to forcibly out me to all these people. Stand up, King. Stand up. Stand up King? No, No G God, if I hadn't know, I would have brought you a fist tank. For what as a gift? Oh. celebrate you. Would you clean it for free? For this one month, I will clean it for free But wait, are we in August yet or is it? No, it starts today. S' ten. Oh, I mean, what is it? It's July So it's not a calendar month No, it starts today out. Fday ends on the whatever twenty something. twenty four And then ends August, whatever today is. August, twenty fourth. twenty four. Okay. I am so excited to be in the land of smallmalldicks, Colorado Jes You are so awesome and brave and smart and cool What happens in Small Dick mononth? What are the festivities that occur? I'm so glad that you asked that. My God, where to begin We begin by surrounding the small Isstidic in all of America you know who that is? Yeah. Joe Rogan Fellllow podcaster, I don't like to hear that kind of talk. Scott, come on. all podcasts Inect our own. All podcast guys have small dicks That's why I love podcasts and I love coming on here. We all surround Joe Rogan and his tiny smalls, tiny ity by. he shows up willingly to this. He loves smallm Dick month. He is screaming and crying and throwing up And we surround him and we dance and we drive our trucks around him. We run him over. and he says, I'm going to come,'m come This happens every year. Every year. See, everyone in the audience is like, yeah, we know. smallall dament Lauren Boebert teaches a blow job workshop W did Beetle just happen in this theater Probably, yeah. Pro. I estimate she was sitting right around down there U That's so fun. It's so great. I love smallmall Dick Month. What else do we do? Well, what's really cool is we travel to we travel kind of all over Colorado. So we go to the Tellourride Film Festival because there's so many small dicks there when the LA people come to town When all those movie producers come, we go to the Hot Springs in Uay. You guys know it And basically we drink all that water up All that hot springs water up. and And then we shoot it through they shoot it through their dicks at us It the chehev it's so much water that it just shoots out. I means like it's like a really fast like spirt gun. and we're just like, o That one's super fun. So So if you shoot, like if you drink something, if you shoot it out through your dick fast enough, it doesn't turn into pee. Oh my God,'s such a good question You blow me away. Um , The faster you drink something, the faster it comes shooting out of that little thing That's how fist go. This is Hotie. He's a fish tank cleaner, by the way. Howdie. Howdie, you have a big day. Welly, yes, I do. Thanks for t. And you do too, little boy, I can tell. I'm in the ninetieth percentile Good for you, King U what else do we do For Small Dick mononth? Oh, this is really fun. We go to this one restaurant in Durango, Colorado. I've been there. Fort Louis College. And basically the guys just order for us and they say no, shut up no 'cause you'll be like, I want a cheesebger they'll like, you're gonna get plain salmon And water. It's so hot and awesome. And I'll be like, I'll have a margarita. They'll be like, No skinny That one's super fun. What else do we do? Yeah. Well there's just like it's just like the time to celebrate small dicks. Yeah. Which like we don't do enough in this country. It's actually one of my platforms A Are you running for office? In my town, yeah. You are. Yeah. So because mayayor Jud Weby, ye. He's no longer mayor. No Is the position open at this point? Basically, so I can tell you leave this Villa I understood. Basically, you didn't tell me this. I didn't tell you this yet. Yeah. but me and Jet are back together. Congratulations It didn't work out with a trucker. You didn't become the trucker at. No, No. And then Judg called me and he said, I have the Ford Rock card seven fifty and a half They're making half sizes now. They're making half sizes now. Wow. And I was like, I dropped everything. Netflix was like gonna shoot me in the head. I was like, I have to go I found Jed and God, this is such a big deal. I'm pregnant. Oh my Godd, congratulations. It o Wow. I'm having Irish dumplings I guess I don't know that term, is that? That is when you have four babies and then you take like a six months off and you have four more. How did you not know that, Scott It's like typical Irish Yeah. So they come Fder and order. Yeah, exactly. Fer and order, but when you get eight, it's like double the order. got that And when they come within a year of each other, it's Irish. Okay. So you're having quadruplets. Yeah. giveive it up. That's We're praying that they're gonna be boys. I would love to have a bunch of little boys with big dicks. or small, I would love small preferably, but I would be happy to take care of some big dicks little boys whatever I can do for the community Is this technically legal to say on a microphone? Well, we're not in Utah anymore. Have some issues there Well, that's so exciting. When are you due? I am due tomorrow I'm absolutely bursting. They're not gonna come early, are they? Yeah they are. They're coming in a rush It's a rush order. rush order of dumbplings. Yeah, Jed and I were just so excited that he just took his little teeny ity bitty, tiny, weeny pick. and he shot a couple of babies in me and we're gonna do a big gender reveal, Scott. Oh okay, so you don't know the gender at this point. No, but I'm praying it's gonna to be boys of course. Okay, when are you doing girls, I think I'm gonna kill them When are you doing the gender reveal because you're having these tomorrow and you're here tonight That's the thing. I'm doing it at smallmall Dick month. Yeah What do you have plan for the gender real? Oh my God, such a good question. God, you're so hot And Basically what's gonna happen is I'm gonna be standing in the middle of the Denver downtown on this street that we all know All right, Oh yeah, I saw that street coming in. Yeah, obviously. The main drag. ere all Denverites gather every day. Yeah, I think it starts at the sea. Cool facts Yeah, see? It was just on the tip of my tongue. Basically, Jud is gonna take his forord rock hard, seven fifty and a half And he's gonna charge at me With a huge rocket And then he's gonna shoot it directly at me. and I have to duck And then whenever the rocket hits, it's gonna explode blue, paint and ges and stuff all over That thaty of B was the third thing he said I didn't say a third thing. I said bllue paint was one. Okay. I said two things. And then I mean all that, it is probably gonna burn down Denver, which is like ideal in a way And then we're gonna know if I'm having boys praise God if I do. because if I have girls like I said, I'm gonna drownem Oh, if it burns down the city, please protect insomnia cookies I'll sing at the J. I would love that Oh my God, do you have any songs about small Dicks or written by guys with Small Dicks? I have a song how about this? Yo, pretty ladies around the world. This woman's having four dumplings and I hope that they aren't girls It was so good. Because you said you'd kill him Clarify you said, hope they aren't, girls. Yes,. An't. Yes, Yes. Did I not punctuate the tea didid I not cross the tea? Scott So remind we of the Lauren Bobert Worshop We're a sex positive podcast. We don't like to shame people who enjoy oral sex. Of course. We Lord. We love Lord Bobert The feedback, o my God, it's probably Jud.ud Is Jud here tonight? Jud? We talked to him once, I think. No, I don't have my phone on me. He's not here I have my phone. Oh, we do? Yeah. L he really wouldn't know that I was calling him tonight. Should we give it a go Jud's just probably arresting because it's such a big deal that I'm having all these kids for him. She really needs to rest up while I work Okay downboy Yeah, what's going on Stud, is that you, baby? Yeah had I just told them that we're having kids. Oh, news to me Yeah, Babe, I'm having Irish dumplings. I'm having four babies and then six months later, I'm having four more Dang, I didn't know I dumped Irish dumplings inside even Yeah, babe, you really did. withith that teeen eighteen eighty weiny deck Yeah, God, after I did it, I couldn't even find it Babe, obviously I'm here for smallmall Dick Month and we miss you Finally a month for guys like us I know you probably want to talk to another small Dick guy so I'm going to pass you to Scott Hey, hey Jud, Great to talk to you again. This is Scott Okerman of Comedy Bang Bang. Oh God. O are my oldest friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say happy S small Digmonth to you Epp is small digth to you too cool It's great to talk to you. Congratulations on the news. I guess you're having a gender reveal very soon Oh, cool. Yeah, that's great. I didn't know dumppering genders. Yeah, you're gonna be driving your Ford seven hundred fifty and a half down Colfax and you're gonna shoot a rocket at Kayla here. and she has to duck and then whatever it hits, if it's a boy, it'll explode blue paint and jizz Not all that's gonna shoot and explode and jiz What else? I mean me it's pretty obvious, right? Oh Okay, I just I didn't understand. Well, Jud, it's great to talk to you. We love talking to you, and hopefully we didn't disturb you wherever you are right now because I don't talk much and when I use this voice, it's really difficult for me All right, Jud, thanks for talking to you. Jud Weedy, everyone I miss him so much It's just at home, right? The stick is so small. Yeah Well, this is fantastic. you know, I hope you don't have your babies here live on stage. That would be. Oh my God, I don't know It feels like it's coming. O. Are you having contractions? Yeah. I ate a bunch of salmon backstage. I think it made them go turbo launch Okay well let us know if there's anything we can do If I give birth on stage, Scott, you're gonna have to shoot a rocket at me. I'll do what I can. I can't promise I'll do what Jud was gonna do while he shot the rocket, but if I had boys, do I tell you when I'm gonna name them? No. Ph U, Sart. Uh dirt L it Beautul. Do You know what that sound was? I would imagine the sound of a turd hitting the water. Yeah Yeah. All right, Kayla Dicky, everyone. Kayla Dicky. Well, we have a very exciting guest here. He's been on the show before. He's a financial advisor. Get your way W ladies and gentlemen, are you tired of not being financially secure? Are you tired of having financial problems? Are you ready to be financially al together tonight Put your hands together for the Wooded L Douglas O. Mumo number five This is it. This is. This is exciting. This is fun and this is awesome. This is life. suck it up Put your tongue in the puddle and suck it up because we don't know when we're gonna get a chance to do it next. How are you guys doing? Hello Denver. Let's fucking rock Hello Doug. Hi, how are you? It's great to see you. So that seed was reserved for you. It's No, this was to let everybody know tonight. I'm gonna be a little bit reserved. Okay. Okay, so let's get right into it. Let's get right into it. Be today we have something exciting. I need you guys to take some of these envelopes and just pass them down. Not everybody's gonna to get an envelope But let's get a couple and grab. bring the house lights up for Doug here. Grab what you can. Dude, Doug. Yeah, yeah, come on. pass them around as you can. I've gott to give some to the other side. I'm passing through the tech area O. Okay, no, that's all right. This side needs some too. Guys, do you ever wonder what it would be to wake up in the morning and not feel like life was amazing Well I'm gonna teach you We w to feel like life isn't amazing. But you have to admit, you have to admit, Scott, you have to admit.'s Do you need help No, no, no, no, I'm not giving up yet. I wantan to explain what's happening with these infs. but I will need help in a minute. I will need help in a minute. Now, what is money? What is money, Scott? It Oh my God, I just crushed somebody's foot. It' No, What is money? Money is wrong. Okay It's something you trade, it's a piece of paper. It's something we give value to. Right now, everybody who has an envelope, I want you to take something off your person and put it in that envelope. Now, listen, you can put anything you want in that. If you don't have anything, pass it to somebody who does have something and put something in that envelope. Now you're not gonna get it back Don't put your phone in the envelope I've had that happen a lot. Don't people put their phones in. Don't be funny. this is a serious issue. This man, where are you going? This is this That's my small deick King. Where are you going? Where are you going I was gonna go urinate, but also I wanted to Oh, wait, no, get that fuck out of. Okay G pee out of that sick. Listen, It won't take long. You can't start a sentence with I was gonna go urinate, but also. No. Okay, so everybody as soon raaise your hand if you have an envelope that is filled with something Okay. a lot of people.. Okay. now very quickly, just throw them in the aisle and pass them down and throw them in the aisle. Throw them into the aisle. Throw them into the aisle. It's great to see' great to see. Okay, Doug. Okay. That reminded me of Lauren Bobert's workshop. It's great to see you. Hey, and very quickly, a shout out to our security Jessica. Okay. it's her right. Jessica Jessica Okay, we got this And nobody, oh my go, this is gonna be horrible. If somebody wants to jump out and help collect these That great. Maybe somebody on the other headedge collect those and we'll just bring them up here. Now, money is funny, right? That's the old saying Money is funny? I don't remember that say hang down. Money is funny. Okay, And Jessica, who's that over there on that side I'm worried that Jessica doesn't know who she's working with. What's your name? What's your name Niki Is that what he said N, Nii and Jessica.y with the be. I'm gonna I can read that. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you.. Okay, we have all the envelopes stuck. Okay, and if you can thank you so much and what's your name? I love to help men. My name is Kayla. Very happy smallmall Dick mononth. Bye. Thank you very much. Doug, I'm worried you're out of breath so suddenly I'll be honest, I did orange theory once seven years ago And I have a lawsuit against them becausecause it didn't work. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do We're gonna look through these. And Scott, this is a game between you and I. Okay. You're gonna pick the most valuable thing. But once you pick it, you can't go back. And you're gonna read you're gonna tell me what they are and I then Of course I am. Okay. This is two napkins you pass on that? I'm gonna pass on. Beer top, beer can top. I'll pass on that. Okay This Is that a bean? I don't know what this is, but I sort of wanna try to eat it. No Now It was Mty. Was it a fisherman's friend? I don't know. That's an old cff gass.' h has on that. That might be. I wanna keep going. Okay. here it is. Doug and meet me in room three No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, but that's no, this is a receipt from W of S for sixty seven dollars. This might be worth taking. sixty seven dollars? So I could now, what's it for? What's the receipt for? I could maybe go fake return something Hold hold on, this is two dollars Wow, this is tempting. Here's where it gets H this is the thing you guys. This is where it gets interesting. Do you grab what's in front of you? Do you take the money? Do It smells good. These are crispy ones. Crispy ones, Do you take them or do you wantna pass I'm gonna take him Thank you, Doug. Thankk you whoever put the two dollars in the envelope. Is this like white elephant like we each get one and or we can steal? Yeah You didn't tell me that. This is. This now we move down. What is your name, young lady? Kayla. Oh my Godd, you're expecting. I am, I'm huge and bursting. These are two Ser patch kids. U Yeah or day. Are they boys? U I'm gonna pass. They have pretty big tcks. . That's an empty one, that's cheat. That's a cheat. Now, come on guys. There's There's a lot of cheats in here. Here's a dollar 's tempting. I'm gonna steal from Scott h, you get the game. I get the game. Now do you wanna take the dollar or do you w to keep going? Judging by the amount of emies that you I'm gonna take the dollar. Oh Somebody wants the show to end Okay, we'll make this fast You don't have to a notepad. Or t the tiniest panty liner. Is that what that is? That's what that looks like to me. How did I think this was a note pad This is what's cool about life, you guys. BeCacause if you think about it, money is funny, noteepads are panty liners. Panty liners are money Right So let's leave this behind. Let's go to the last stage of my process. wait, this has been a process? I don't think you ever mentioned that. Oh, this is a process. Oh, this is a three stage process. Oh. Now who wants to trade this small, I think generic pantyliner for something they have on them I need somebody close to me because I will not crawl What would you like? You wantna trade pants Doug For those of you who don't know, Doug Gropes has I have a hard time saying no to pants. You will take. So I want to make it clear, one small panty liner and my pants for your shorts What size are you, sir? What size are you?ty. If you're size Todd, I can't handle that. Hey, welcome Security. Are you ready for this? All right, Melissa, you take that and we'll just do a quick little change of pants here. Doug, you're trading pants with another audience member? No, teechnically, I'm trading pants for short. Okay And you're taking him down right here is let me nototice he's keeping his belt Yeah. You didn't include the belt in that deal, Doug All right, the pants. Uhh, don't putem on too soon. showhow those small decks Doug is looking wearing the shorts and than you Todd, I believe. Thank you very much. Now whats put on the pants. Do the pants fit, sir? The pants fits. Do the shorts fit, Dg. Now I mean, you tell me listen, I know this has been a lot It's been a lot, but we have to keep a positive attitude. Are you okay? Yeah I'm not sure that was legal to show you But my point here today is everything is worth something, right? And we give it its worth. Now, I have all this, and I know a lot of these are stacked with one dollar bills, two dollar bills. But I give you my word, I will take those home Thank you What a day. That's the end Gid day What a day is your dispount? What a day What a day day. you wouldould anybody else like to open one Yeah, I wanna keep show white elephant. Do you wanna open one? Yeah. You had What is this? I don't know. I have no idea what these are. Somebody licked this one shut Not very many people licked them shut, but this person did. Took the time. a business card. Oh, for what? Stevie C. Bowen Oh isn' in here. You're bragging about being part of Boeing. I got a dollar Congrats, Mason. Thank, Do you wantna trade it for my d? No. I do w to say I wan to steal the two dollars. No, Mason, we stopp playing that game. Okaykay little boy? Before I leave, this is a serious part. I know we've had a lot of fun and we've made some jokes. We've done some bits and we've smiled We've chortled even we all chortle once in a while, but I here's another dollar. Whoa, we're like gonna be rich. I think this is the first show we might profit How much were your pants? Be honest. Do you really wantanna know I do? They were forty dollars. They were forty dollars. And I know a lot of some people out there are going to say, oh forty dollars that's not that much. And some people are going to say, forty dollars, that's a fair amount. Raise your hands right now if forty dollars could make a difference in your life A lot of people And you came to this Yeah Iirresponsible. So I wna know how much the shorts are worth. Hey King Yeah. About forty. Wow. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. Usually you get what you give. What you give you get, you get. has Who in here has a size eleven and a half shoe? Anyone, do you Do you want to trade shoes Do you wna take a look at his before you. Now what kind of shoes are those? Oh, Doug Do you want it? Th are these were on sale, but they're Jordan'ans. And you have D Okay, we're doing it. Come on You're giving away your Jordans Listen, I'm not giving away my not'. I'm not giving away my Jordans. What I'm doing is said they have to be unlaced. I'd be lying to you if I didn't think in my head, what I'm going to do with these is I'm going to take them to another place and I'm going trade these. And I'm going to prove to you Thank giving. is just another way of giving it to a person These shoes will live somewhere else. Where are you from, sir Well been there. Al right. Okay. Go Buffalo.. Well these are gonna live somewhere else. So let's if you could and this is a thing We've been told you have to unlace those. I know this has felt like a journey that maybe to one or two of you has not made sense. And I wantanna say, what I'm gonna do is take these and by the way, feel a little bit more like an eleven than eleven and a half Now that I got a money But that's okay. That's okay ' sometimes being uncomfortable is what we have to do in life, right So where I go next, I am going to trade these for another pair of shoes.