Dicky Donnelly the Lost Little Boy

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Catch new episodes of Let's Talk Off camera wherever you get your podcasts Hey everyone, Scott Okerman here and welcome to another Bonus Bang where we are rereleasing great episodes of comomedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall And you know, since we're out on the road right now with our twenty twenty six ground beefing tour We thought this is the perfect time to showcase the fun and excitement of seeing comedy bang bang live. And so this week's bonus Bang is the latest in the series that we're calling Globe Trot with Scott, where we're featuring some of our very favorite live shows from past tours. Now this one is called twenty twenty four Tour, New York And it was recorded at the Brooklyn Paramount Theater on june fourteenth, twenty twenty four And this was the second city we stopped at It has Mike Hanford as John Lennon Paul F. Tomkins as writer Hoover Persone Ago Wdem you may know from SNL as Adrien Brothers. We have Carl Tart as OJ Simpson and Lisa Gilroy as the perpetually lost boy Dicky Donnelly. Now as you'll hear, the live shows full of surprises with the funniest guests, the greatest crowd. So come on out, join us for a one of a kind good time. We're actually going to be back in New York City on june twenty fourth at the town hall on West forty third street For those of you outside of the Big Apple, we're still in the early days of the tour. so there's Plenty of ground left to beef. So hopefully you can catch me along with PFT and the CBB all stars as we put on shows in cities near you. You can check out all of the tour dates and buy tickets at cbbworld d. com slash tour. So if you enjoyed this show and you want to hear other great episodes of comomedy Bang Bang, as well as shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hn't seen, the Neighborhood Listen Cllegeown Become a subscriber at cBBworld. comot We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live episode we've ever done, add free new episodes and more original shows. Plus, you'll get all of the live episodes from this tour we're currently on the very next day after the performance We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of comedy Bang bang, but until then enjoy this bonus bang back bang nom bang com back bang comy b bang nomy bad bang comy bang comy back bang com bang C Hey what's up I offer you the finger, you give me the fist G get to your seat He literally was like reaching up. I went down at him and turned it into Hello Brooklyn. How is everyone I have to do this. hold on. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I promise I'll return them by next Thursday at the latest Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Thank you to Jay Man, the G for that catchphrase submission. I don't think it's gonna stick, judging by the reaction in this room Oh, welcome to Comedy Banging. This is a beautifully newly refurbished theater. The Brooklyn Paramount. This place is greator. Has anyone been to a show here before Re receiving mixed messages here This gentleman up here has. Thank you very much, sir One person, this place is doing great no, this is gorgeous. This is an amazing place. Thank you so much for coming out. My name is Scottkerman and I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang Thank you We have a fantastic show planned for you here today and tonight, I guess, what time is it? We just got here into town. How many people have never seen a comedy Bang Bang show before It's too many Do any of you have any idea what it is Okay All right All right, not good This is a real blow to the ego For those of you who don't know what's about to happen tonight, it's sort of like a talk show. I'm the host. We'll be welcoming several guests here tonight These are unplanned conversations, conversations that have never been had before Unless you're AllA Peterson In which case, we'll cover some of the same ground we have before, I'm sure U And we have not discussed what we're going to talk about. In fact, none of us have ever met before, I believe And we're just gonna have a good time tonight. So we have a great show. We have a musician We have a writer, we have A New York City tour guide We have an actor. We have a little boy. so many great So many A little tiny boy Yeah How many shows have you been to where there's a little boy on stage Not too many I saw the stones in ' sixty seven. they brought an eight year old boy up There's a feature we've been doing on the show here anytime we do a live show. Some of you know what I'm about to talk about I call it the most exciting fifteen seconds in podcasting It's a little something we call the balcony report I'll just explain briefly what this is, as brief as I can, because it sort of it's a complicated concept, but I'm going try to nutshell it down for you Essentially, in every venue in which we perform I will be reporting to the crowd and to anyone listening at home. How many balconies are in said venue ! Now this is not to excite the people in those balconies. Because they're assholes, they didn't pay the money that you guys paid real Chipppo's up there. So this is not a shout out to them at all This is merely to excite those of you down here saying, I'm glad I'm not up there. Now this is a complicated one, Brooklyn new venue. I can't quite get a handle on this I've looked at a seating map. It was not helpful. But I'm hearing woos from up there Okay. I'm okay, yeah, yeah But what's up there? Is that anything You think it counts I don't know. You're not archecture, I believe That's nothing. Okay, so I am gonna go with The Brooklyn Paramount Theater Has one balcony And if you thought that was exciting, there's a new wrinkle for this tour, which is I will be tabulating the balconies for the whole tour. This is the third night. so this is going to be anticlimactic The comedy bang bang, bang bang into your mouth tour twenty four has had a total now of three balconies Number one But you're saying that's the best number Three is number one Can you imagine how exciting this is gonna be by the end of the tour We're doing about thirty five dates. It's gonna be a lot of balconies We have a great show for you. Who's ready to start this shit Why don't we get to our first guest? He is a musician. He lived here in this city, I believe at a hotel. Just off of Centr Park Please welcome John Lennon All right, Dan. Take the microphone from the seat you're going to sit in. Well, wa, would you like me to sit? Hold on folks? Well this is I got here a little late so we didn't discuss any of this Where should I sit Sit I don't know. All right, we'll figure it out. Sit here. sit here, sit here. We'll get it right here? Yeah. All right. And then put this one over there. All right. There we are. There we go. Ohope, I should stand andnt tell you. And then we we said give me a hug for crying outd I'm sorry, Joh Lennon, everyone is here What you doing folks? Wow. Oh what a slow down there I just caused. We gotta get this thing back up. How are we doing out there, folks? Is anyone alive Ah yes, John Lennon, your famous stage banter when you would perform at Chase Stadium. Put those devil hors up, I'd say Chase stadium Speaking of which, Scott, I hadn't seen what this comedy toy is called. Comedy bang bang Now what's this into your mouth What What do you? what are we supposed to think of that? I'm sorry, John, I know you're a bit of a prude.ere I'm changing that by the way. How? Weren't you the guy who famously posed naked on the cover of Rolling Stones magazine? Yeah. I was going for for the title of Prudus Nude That'm sorry, Nud is Fude. Either way, there's two of them, there's two two distinctly different titenders rightight. And I was going for I was going for Nudus Proude. Wh who actually won that? I think Yogo did. God bless.o did. okay. God bless her a little hard. Jeez. Now you haven't seen her in a while. By the way, for any of you who don't know what's going on John Lennon. For all the partners of people who came with this significant other Yeah. Eplain explain, I guess the start at the Beatles or maybe go earlier with Rock and Rll. Perfect. I can do that, I can do it. I can do my whole backstory and who's got a watch with a stopwatch? I can do it on the ph Maybe just a phone with a stopwatch would be easier. People are using those now for everything. Not a lot of people are wearing stopwatches on their wrists these days Well sure but that you've got the iPhone and the making phone calls with them What? I meant to say iWatch. You had a phone you had not even called the iWatch. What called. Apple Watch. I have a fitbit Why? To keep an eye on my steps and keep my health. How many steps does Jean Lennon do a day? A day? Yes. I'd say about thirty five thousand thirty That's too many. 'ause I'm moving. What too many. lookook at me s You do, but I'm just worried that's like doing a marathon every day. That's true Oh when I do some of it on a bike, you know? That doesn't count there. You gotta, but you gotta think though, that's one, too. This is like stepping a half. Give me a half for each one Wha, My helmet fell off. your bicycle technique is Well, I ride a recumbent, you know, It's up. Way back I got I'm usually pulling there's twos hands and levers and I'm there's no steering on the thing which is so God, jeez, you spend so much money on a Cannondale bike and they don't it's got no Steering apparatus. So I I got a little confused because I thought we were timing this whole thing. No, no First of all, you only got to, does anyone have a stopwash? Right. You haven't set up the parameters of what you want or R. Right. That's on me. I think you were going to say that you can do your backstory under some specific amount of time. I was at first gonna to say four hours, then I thought we don't have that type of time I give me tw to twenty five seconds. twentyenty five seconds. can anyone let me do it actually. Yeah we don't.. They came here to relax. it's Friday n. Yeah. whyy put them on stopwatch, Dudy? Okay All right, twenty five seconds. Yep and go. Okay, in I'm gonna say maybe nineteen forty two. Ish. I was born And then of course there's a long wonderful childhood I had with my family and friends And then I went to the well, then I went to school And I met tellell me with the name P Pom McCartney. Paul McCartney, That's time And the rest is history, rest is history. The rest is absolute history. Okay, so but let's smash cut to ooh, that fateful day in December of nineteen eighty. Yep. Then it all came crashing down. Yeah You were The weather had gten a shit Monday night football, I was losing money on the cowboys I said, Yoko, let's go out. How much did you bet on the cowboys? On the Cowboys? Yes. A's the time. at the time what that amount would be worth now If I took nineteen eighty dollars and chaseed it to not twenty four We're looking at fifteen, sixteen dollars pererhaps But you know, I'm so crazy I'm so crazy about gambling that if I lose I had no idea. you I keep it from I keep it from certain people, there are certain friends of mine. And that's, you know, tonight is a big night of I want to get, you know, this is great when're getting to know each other. Why the hell you' been on this show for a decade at this point? Can you believe it? Can you believe that God The time is just spent we've traveled the world. we have traveled the world together, but I want to get this together. John, I want to get back to what happened to you in nineteen eighty I told you I am on something tonight. I had You know, I'm doing the do these days. I'm keeping extreme. Pound do, really? And that gets me The cardiologist says I gota cut that out My heart's gonna pop. But what would that matter? You would just come back to life, which is what I'm trying to get to. That's right. I went down a bullet hole took me down A lot of that lot of that going on now, which I don't appreciate. Yes, that's true.reat thing to bring up I don't think it is Host away, my boy. host away. P us away from this grim subject. Let's Ver right. like you. Stayays right, Stays left. But You were the bullet hole actually took you down, not the bullet itself because it's a good point. bullet is fine. It's the hole it creates. The bullet. I got in the bullet's way. That's how I'm trying to look at it now. I'm doing a lot of therapy work. I'm trying to Yeah. And, maybe I was in the way. Yeah. mayaybe number mister one number rock and roll guy got in the way. Yeah, your ego makes you think like, oh, someone shot me Right. It's all about me, me, me, me. Yeah. So what are we talking about I know, it's one of those, you know yeah. I'll tell you something, and this is the truth. Marijuana iss legal in this town, you know? In this town Tpically are gonna say Burbank, Brooklyn, a New York City prop, than you So are you I mean, you do back in the day No, but I'm saying it's on the streets all the time. You're probably feeling the effects. Oh, that's that may be it. Yeah. It happens to. It happens to be. And sometimes, Scott, you don'tt don't you don't need to be on the streets Whoa! I don't Are you sure this is legal Oh actually, all I'm doing is holding it. I can't hold illegal substance Now if I were to light at Sott, that's what thingss good really But I wouldn't have I think there's probably no smoking in the theaterre. Exactly. That's why I could do it. 'use I respect the theatater too much Remember last time I was on this, actually last time we were in Brooklyn, I was putting together that Tiger Woods musical. God, remember that? I don't, but u what I wish I could forget it. So you were doing a musical about Tiger Woods and it was covering everything E car crash, everythingthing else. Right? Well, the car crash, we kind of couldn't get right. Anyway We brought a whole car and the thing was a mess. So the first our first preview, we had the first scene, I think I talked about this last time. It's a bunch of golfers, Tiger woods right in the middle and everyone's hitting golf balls into the audience And my idea was to use fake ones, Whiffle ones. they wouldn't get hur. No one would get hit. Those still hurt if you get smashed in the face with the. Right, But you we also were trying to have a little bit of a tactile experience in the theater. That makes sense. It does make sense. Well I could go on about modern theatre forever Please don't. Thank you I would get so lost. I'd be making things up with something. So what happened with the musical though, So previews, opening night was shooting last minute. I said, you know what Put the fuckking, put the real golf balls out there. This is the this is the fucking thing. This is New York City Well, yeah, I gott toa tell you, right? the first thing we So the first preview ends And get we hear the words no director or theater producer ever wants to hear Your show is closed and you're under arrest Can you believe that They had every right to arrest me. Wow Is this I mean you sound like some of the people in the audience ow what they would say I think they were saying ow. They was say ow. Yeah. but But you got in the theater, you know, it's such the imagination mind space. Sure. Right. So you were arrested. so did you do time whereere you convicted? John Lennon is spending a night in jail? No, I got out it pretty pretty quickly pretty quickly. I signed a few autographs and the thing was put to bed Was anyone seriously injured or You know, that's I really I focus on the audience while they're in the theater space. Once they're gone, they're on their own. and I love it that way. That's really the way I love it best. I think it would be it would be great if you came to a show and the creators and cast checked in with you. for weeks and months afterwards That would be nice. Let's get everyone's phone number here so I can I'll do some to make it easier. Why dont I give them your number and then they can you just pass on Just pass the number. It's probably the best way to do it. No, no, we're not doing that. we're not doing it. So so you're out of the theater, but you're back in New York City, L it? Are you back at the hotel? B backack of the Dakota? Yeah. Dakota. I live. I've been spending a lot of time there. I took the sorry, I was late tonight with the rain. Who got douched in the rain today It's a true wet day miracle wet day, right? Right. You know wet day, of course. yeah, sure. I know of it.ure It's been told at me, people the apart. So yeah, you were talking about the Dakota and what are your plans for twenty twenty four? We're about halfway through. halfay. I'm looking at the summer here. this summer, the summer months are coming up. I'm getting the RV and I'm taking a really just kind of a tour around Manhattan Because you know, you live in a spot and you don't see it. I go down to my, you know, corner store the other day and I said, the guy behind the, you know, making thein Panini for me. I said, my God, I've been in here three years straight Stight Pet, you've been coming to this place for three years. J assistently And I said, My God, what is you know what, man? what is your name? And he said it was Anthony. I said, Can I come around back there and shake your hand? And we did. And one thing led to another. I got into making some of the sandwiches and the paninis. I kind of I don't really now I don't really know what what will we talking? What will we talking about? You brought that up as an example of why you wanted to drive around in an RV Its you know you know the thoughts they start turn that you just gota let them go. And that's how we wrote a lot of the Beatles music, orember? The Beatles, off course. Yes. What was your favorite Beatles song? What was that one u No, no, hold on. I say Okay, you put out what do we put eight albums out? You remember all the songs? Sure ked liked I really liked littleittle piggies. I thought that was a great one. I think that was a George Harrison Beatle song. It's my favorite. What did you like about that? The concept of like pigs? Kind of The way I've looked at it is sccott, I sort of saw as this sort of Orwellian sort of take on things, the piggies being the rich I heard a yes out there in the audience pigs were the, you know, the rich people I mean, that's a very fasle take. All right, I agree. Fascinating indeed. No fasle You know, I don't know what that means I mean, its pretty it's a pretty obvious metaphor, right? And I got it right away. And the first listen, I got it Sot I felt over the moon because I know these guys come in, I never know what they're talking about in this song. And I felt great about it. and wereere you ever there in the studio like trying to throw oinkink noises in there? and Yeahah not just for that song my image of yellow sububmarine, the Yellow sububmarine song was We' listen to Ringo play it for. Sounds great, sounds great. I kept saying, sounds great. So Ringo would play it for you, R? I Ringo, Ringo. sounds great man. And then I'd go to the other guys said, we gotta fix this song. this. This this submarine has to be manned by a group of pig human people. And, you know, the mermaids that they would run into would be pigs as well. I don't remember that verse. No, that's what no. That's off course it happened to old John Lennon. No one listened to him and we didn't do my ideas I've Oh, sorry. No, sorry, Scott. I should have told you I got a terrible windburn How does one get a wind burn on your back? Stand in wind without a shirut on? I mean, come on, was I should have known that. I was at the beach Sun was blazing hot And I had my shirt off for obvious reasons I was about to go swimming And the wind kicked up and you know, to shield w in my goggles, I usually wear beach goggles to keep sand out of my eyes. And the wind's coming at me this way. I said, A this time and all the sand sort of whipped me in the back Right on the shoulders mostly So when you touch me there, I be got to go Lper Am I moving around alone? God. I've been sitting all day. I've got some stuff. Yeah Get up and do some stuff. Here you too. some st. Everyone stand up and just move around. If you've worked an office job all day, let's move. Hello buddy. How you doing out there? Do you write songs at a standing desk now? I do. I try to, but they all end up coming, you know, it's a lot of songs about wish you know, wishing I could be wishing I was a lazy boy or wishing you were lazy boy. My knees are getting throbbing so. You know that type of stuff. That's the thing, like most good songs are written when an artist is twenty because When you know, after you're fifty or sixty, you're just like talking about how uncomfortable you are all the time. Right I'm uncomfortable babied. Don't you wantan to give me a massage? Maybe that would be the next song in the reverse. Well now I'm tired It was a long day. I was at the library all day sitting down. You' at the library I needed a big table to spread my workout in front of me So you really have nothing to talk about haven't even asked me anything. I haven't asked you We've basically talked about my history, which I can't think of a room with less people who would know my history All right. Well I've got a big announcement to make both. I want is what I want to. You have a big announcement. got a I want to do it later. Let's just you want to do it later. Let's meet some people. Let's have some fun. Scott, it's let'ss I'll get to it. I'll get to it. All right, so we're teasing a big announcement coming up at the Trust me, Scott, I'll get to it. Okay, John Lennon, everyone. Good night Good new. You're I'll say saying, right in the seat. 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That's it, there's no catch forty five dollars upfront payment required, equivalent to fifteen dollars a month. new customers on first three month plan only, speed slower above forty gigabytes on unlimited plan, addditional taxes fees and restrictions apply, see MintMobile for details. Oh my go Sott you seem tense, A you okay Great So Good, good to hear it Well why are you looking through that? Who came from the father's away I'm just looking up our next guest's name. doesnt It's not a complicated. That could have been a quick bermuda, and then we would have been done with that Do you think that's how the Beach Bys rode Coomo? Who came from the furthest away? and someone said Bermuda. And someone said Jamaica. They said,'s we can't say those, but they can't be But it sounds pretty good All right, we have to get to our next guest. and I've never met this gentleman before, but this is very exciting. He's a writer. paperback writer. That's another one of my faves, you know. Yeah. Right. Usually the books start out in hardcover. Yep, that's right. Okay He's a writer. This is all I know about him. Please welcome to the show, Hoover Persone Persony, ladies and gentlemen Hoover, you've been flanked by the best Thank you, Scott, Thankk you for having me on your show Don't say anything, Scott Remember, we're not making fun of people's voices anymore I'm just it's always fascinating when you meet a new person and you hear how they sound. I'm reminding you of myself. Isn't that so true? When you meet someone you think you have an idea of what their voice is going to be. And then they start talking and you think, Oh, I wish I weren't here right now Yeah That's my little joke. I'm not speaking of you of course. It's a pleasure to meet you. conratulations on all your success Hoover you're a writer,? Yes, I'm a writer I understand you right as well Have you ever seen a little thing called Sharktail? Part of the Shark Tail universe The only entry so far Is that a motion picture? One could call it that. Yeah. Well I was gonna ask, what's your last name again? I didn't catch it. Prerson. Gant, gotcha. I haven't seen the film in question, I'm sorry. The movies to me are like day old fish, so in a way, I suppose I have seen Chart Don't think about it too much So what actually do you write Hoover or I'm assuming not motion pictures then. No I ram in the print genre I haven't read a novel. Of course I have one in my drawer. novel.very writer does. A novel, you say? That's what I say. What are you reading What? What are you reading? the novel you're reading? Oh, I don't have time to read with my own writing and my drinking How much of your day is taken up by the writing? few hours So the drinking is the majority of your day Yes, but You know, it's a tool like any other tool. You have your typewriter, you have your pencil, you have your steno pad, you have your handle of vodka Are you working on anything now? you John Come over here, Jon. Okay, See, now this is what I was talking about when I first got out here. I didn't know what I was gonna say It's a whole thing with the sitting. I know it's a big deal. Whoa, are you working on anything now and what's it about? Well, I have a permanent staff position. and so I write a little column every week. Really? Okay, who's this for? Is it like the Garden Grove orrganic supermarket? I write they're circular What are your sort of tackle for the circular? Wh Okay, I don't know if I'm speaking or the hearing aid is needed. My question was, Hoover, that what do you write about in your column in the I'm just trying to get something going staring now you're concerned about this it I have a tough time on Fridays I forgive you. Thank you. Well, it's simple really. I write about the specials. I write about new items we've just gotten in. Sometimes I get into the personal lives of the other people on staff. They don't like that too much So you're writing are you naming names or I'm it' sort of a Ramanoc clef Oh yes,'s a fictionalized account of true details. Exactly. It'scited to talk to a fellow writer Much like what are some famous Romanoclephs Can Between us can we name one Gilgames So how often do you How often do new items come in? Oh, almost all the time. I would say twice a month. I mean, that's a lot. what do you think about it? I mean, for a store. For a store. 'Cause is it do they lose an item when they get into? Yeah they have the same number of items at the store at all times This store is famous for it If they ever sell out of something, they have to buy something new. They close the store down They hang a sign that we'll be back when things are balanced. You don't see that often with stores. I'll go into stores and everything You don't see it. I don't know what's going. There's no balance there. You feel off killed You go to a store. You don't see it often do you I feel like I'm being haranged for asking a question. No I'm agreeing with you, of course. Okay, Okaykay, now I'm putting together the whole thing here He's hard of hearing with a bad attitude So what are some like See, that one sounded more just like the bad attitude. I think he heard me perfectly. So what are some of the things going on with the employees at the store? if you don't mind me asking? I mean, I don't mind. I'm an open book.. clos it Hoover. Wh Same question, but for the new products, go ahead Scott I'll take you a question first and mister Lennon, I'll take you your question after. Do you mind alternating? L tell us a bit of gossip and then a new product Oh, that would be fun, especially 'cause this' a special live show It's a fun bit of business. 'cause these people could listen to this online or wherever, but this is live. We're gonna hear it back and forth. That's fun. All right, let's switch places again. Okay If you could even switch me back to the Dakota at this point, I don't even really mind. Oh, overheat. hereere Okay,. so all right. I don't like you in this chair. D d, d d. Well now I gotta get back so I can see you both Well, I Lara, he's gonna to be confused to answering the questions. You're talking more there My question though, Scott, in this situation is if I'm talking what am I taking something away from who like what's important here? What's the information we need to get to? We've asked You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. And we've asked him two questions and he hasn't even answered them and you're jumping I' stop talking Oh dear, you fell to his little trap All right, I'll tell you The employees am in the cash register is a jolly bunch But don't you know they're encouraged to be that way by management. Be friendly, they say, be approachable. Talk about the items you like when people are putting their items on the counter Well, I happen to know that let's call him Gary He professes to the customers' faces to love the white chocolate almt clusters body in the break room we calls them lubs of chalk That made me very unpopular with the stff And and Gary as well or Well, there was a scandal, of course. Pe would come people would come into the supermarket and say, shouldh I buy the white chocolate caret clusters, Gary? Not his real name, of course, Mark. But everyone knew. Everyone knew. They're snickering behind his back, but he could hear them He could hear the whispers, he could feel the pointing, his face glowing red by the cash register. even ringing the bell when somebody does the thing that triggers ringing the bell wouldn't make him happy What does trigger that? No one knows And no one ever sees anyone ring and sometimes the bell just rings All right, and now a product Peruvian cabbage. G That's actually, you don't see that often What they have to lose to get that Do do, mister Kabby. Oh, o. They try to get as close as possible to whatever's coming in. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Scott, you're gonna be happy with me. I was just about to launch into a great No, you know what? goo ahead P Yeahah, go ahead..old, hold on a second. canan we get a spotlight? So do we do spotlights? that would we can move, ' I'm gonna probably move around Let's take all the house lights or all the rest of the lights down as well Turn the lights completely off. Yeah maybe get these screens off too. Can we do anything about the lights up in the, I don't even know what you would call that. Can't you switch off the exit word So what I like to do is I'll start with a white White. Wh is happening You right, bring the lights up. Sit down. Thank you. Thank you very much I implore everyone to find me after the show on the street and we'll talk about it. Yeah, butes. Well, feas, here we are the twilight. Y Just three boys shooting this shit Soon we'll get to tales of ghost spepecters And we'll see who's brave. Do you have any experience with ghost stories? Yes, they come from a very haunted place. Really? Where's this? New Orleans. Oh where the famous interview with a vampire series takes place. Yes, also a hm monoglyph What was Lestat's real name? Joseph P putting on airs with that holeest stop thing. Yeah, it was based on a real guy who used to drink blood He wasn't a vampire. He was just weird How did you get involved in the supermarket? Were you a person who worked there or did you shop there a lot? Well I'd always been a person who had an eye for supermarket produce and I used to go into supermarkets as a youth and I would compare and contrast the various produces that the markets had on offer. And sometimes the proprietor of the market would get very angry with me and say, you come in here all the time and never buy anything. And I would say I'm almost done my studies All right, that answers my question, I think No, but how do they offer you this job or? I submitted a writing packet to the Garden Grove Organic Gcery. How's you are staffed on this circular, the newspaper? What I must just have register he can't hear. Yeah, What was in the submission packet? was? Here's what you're doing, dears. You're rushing the first part of the question. And so I hear the second half, but I don't know where I'm going. 'ause I can barely hear you too. I feel like I looking right at you and I couldn't be talking more slowly Is it because I'm barely opening my lips Is it a visual issue? No My question was how many people are on the writing staff of the circular? You You're looking at the entire staff. That's impressive. Yeah. Thatiteressive. Do you write the coupons as well The coupons are pre printed. We did have an experiment where I got to write the coupons for a week Were you just making some crazy deals? People couldn't read what the discount was because there was so much prose packed into the little rectangle The far had to be very small. That's When you write articles about the new products in the store, is it just a list or is it pros as well? It's pros, dear, it's pros I just don't know how you could make a list of. Oh I'm so sorry See he talks slow, but that time he got to before I even said might let he got. Usually a clue is when he opens his mouth, he's about to say something. So then that's time for me to take this big mid of mine and slap right on the mouth. That's right. All right Where was that? Yes, I write in prose, I write a paragraph about each item, and then I devote the rest of the column to what the staff is getting up to And now they've ostracized me And I can't sit with anyone at lunch. So you are working there? Yes, of course. I'll never give it up. It's the greatest place on Eth. What do you love about it so much? I mean, it seems kind of, it sounds depressing. It's the excitement People need food. They come in and buy it You know that they're going to sustain their life for one more day, at least Although I would imagine there have been a few people who've bought their groceries and then they die in a car accident. Seven Look got're so morbid. But Morbage, I was right. There's seven people have died on the way home. Yes. They bought their groceries and they've gotten a horrible accident on the way home. Al seven at the same time. At the same time, was this a final destination It was the same accident Seven people coming from seven different directions apppproaching each other at top speed with their trucks full of groceries This was a hot summer day and all the eggs made a giant omelet R right are the asphalt That he reminded me It seems in bad taste. I have to say that. Gotta get that in. What on? What seems in bad? I thought this was a conversation. What seems in bad taste exactly? I guess eating the omelet all. I never said anyone ate it.. All right You can write fan fiction in your head but try to keep it there Turning the microphone off right now Do you find me a cervic Am I allowed? Go ahead, defefine a cerbic I know when someone staring for time Wow, so u Everyone ostracizes you. Yeah, I can't go to any of the company gatherings. Like what are the company gatherings? Do they have picnics They have picnics all the time. I always used to hate that when you work for a place and then they have like a picnic you have to go to and it's like, I'd rather just be having fun on my own. Well, you know, I used to go to these picnics and I'd snidely comment about them to my coworkers and everyone would laugh and laugh and I'd say, well this is ridiculous. whyy are we getting in sexs to run around Wh Why are we tying two of our legs together? Why are we carrying eggs and spoons? I hope that's done in poor taste And now what I wouldn't give to be one of those company pick pics I'm so sorry. Thank you. What was your name? Hoover. Hoover Person. That's right. I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't blame you if you forget me soon, I'll be forgotten by everyone Punished for my sins. This This is a sad, sad story. I No. All you're doing is putting all of your fellow employees on blast on a weekly basis And somehow it's come back to bite me So are you gonna remain there much longer or maybe there are greener pastures out there for. I can't leave. I can only hope that one day they'll forgive me. Have you apologized to them? No Some would say that would necessitate What am I trying to say? But I can't bear it, I can't bear to see their faces looking at me with such scorn. Have you tried a blind apology? What does that mean? Where you say I'm just I mean, I'm just making it up, but where you I'm glad I ask Where you come in, this is what I'm imagining it is, you put a blindfold on, you come into the break room You turn around, face the other way in case the blindfold slips off. I know I' not supposed to talk. you say turn around or turnurn around I'm sorry, I heard somebody say Jesus out there. I just want to be clear, folks. turnurn a turnurn I think either would work, but turn is what I actually said. Let's go with turn. Let's go with turn. Turn around, so it's a double blind process. Youually that time you did st I heard churn there And I again, I can't hear a thing on these. I am saying turnurn around. Like the birds song, Do everything churn, churn, churn turnurn around bright eyes All right, we're having a little fun with you Scott, go ahead And then you cast your apology too the wall So the window to the wall. For how long And then you don't have to see their faces But perhaps they will forgive you. You'll cast such a pitiful figure that they'll feel sorry for you. Perhaps, but I feel I've gone too far this time. The damage is done and I'll never be accepted back into their good graces or invited to all the events Why What's the main event that you wish you could go to? It's not an event I wish I could go to, but I wish they would come to Every year I hold my famous brown and yellow ball Should I ask a question? No, maybe we'll explain it. Maybe we'll explain. Let him proceed and we'll see you. We'll see. Yeah. It's a wonderful party where all the food is bananas that have just gone off And everyone wears either brown or yellow and masks. Can I ask, can they wear both It's been done. But after the first person did it, it seemed to have lost a lot of its punch You're gonna ask about the masks Go ahead, John What the mask like, What's with the masks? Is it like, you know, sex thing? What's with the mask? There's just I mean, anything could be a sex thing I never thought of it that way. Start thinking of it that way it's fun What, Hey, Scott look in your hand Come on, John. I'm just gonna I've just tried to make our guest feel safe. You're trying to make him feel safe, John, I safe welcome. You know, he's having such a tough time at work, but I'm gonna zip it up. It was comforting. The masks are traditional masquerade ball masks. Sometimes they can have an animal tinge to them if people wish. Much like the Wicker man. Exactly Every once in a while, someone just wears a Freddy Kruger Soh they come with a glove with the knives and everything? just the mas Do they have the Fedora? That's an important part. Okay. 'Cause if Freddy is coming and he's just got the bald, you know One two, Freddy's coming for you So you have seen the Nightmare on Elm Street now. I knew the real Freddy that the movie was based on Okay, this is what you should have come out talking about. His name was Eddie Kluger He was a school janitor that all the children were convinced needed to be burned to death He went from school to school to school. Eventually all the kids tried to set his cot on fire And did they succeed? Eventually. Children are very determined And did he come back into people's dreams or no, he just died All right, Hoover personersone, everyone Over. Summer always changes how you get dressed, right? You want pieces that feel lighter and more breathable, things that are easy but still put together Well, I gott to say that is where Quintince comes in. They focus on high quality essentials that look and feel amazing. thinkink Breathable linen and soft organic cotton. And Quince goes way beyond clothing too. They have custom upholstered sofas ceramic cookware, premium bedding and more for your home. It's the kind of brand you end up recommending to everyone for everything We get a lot of stuff from Quinince at my house. My daughter wears one particular Quints dress. It's her favorite thing. We put in the laundry every two days, I think, because she always wants to wear it. Plus, we're getting a lot of bedding from there. It's really, really nice. She finally has a big girl bed that we have ut a bunch of quuince blankets on. it's really fantastic stuff. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quinces dot com slash bang bang for free shipping on your order and three hundred sixty five day returns. Now available by the way in Canada too. That is QuNcE dot com slash bang bang for free shipping and three hundred sixty five day returns Qinces d. com slash bang bang Your outdoor space should feel like you, right? You know, maybe you want a fire pit outside. Maybe you want a ice sculpture outside. I don't know that that's possible, but a fire pit certainly is, as well as outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio lighting, rugs, decor Well, Wayfair is your one stop shop for home. You can shop with Wayfair Verified your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by hand, using a ten point inspection, one point for every finger, testing things like quality of materials, functionality and features, and even how long it takes to build And with over twenty million five star reviews, you can hear from real customers before you buy. Plus, Wayfair deals with the hard parts so you don't have to. Installation and assembly services are available for a truly seamless experience. Now, I got some stuff from Wayfair. I think I've talked about this before. We got the little carpet things for your stairs because we had someone slip down and fall down our stairs And we knew we had to get some of these and there they were at Wayfair and now we're going up and down the stairs. We can't stop. We' I mean, we're definitely getting our steps in. We're doing about fifty thousand steps a day just going up and down the stairs because it's safe. Now, patio season is here and these deals won't last. Head to wayfair dot com right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less That's W A Y F A I R d. com fair, every style, every home. Hi, I'm Jenny Slate. And believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast. I'm Gave Ledman. I'm Max Sylvestri. And we've been friends for twenty years and we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called, I needed You guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables? Can I drink the water at the hospital? My landlord plays the trombone and I can't ask him to stop You should make sure that you subscribe so that you never miss an episode. Wh you go You know what? mayaybe we will. Maybe you stay there and I thought it would make more sense if the guest was closer to you so you could hear them. I believe they turned up the monitor, so are you hearing better? I think I'm hearing a lot better. Yeah, this is a wonderful situation now. All right, are you sure you want to be that far away from your guest? You want to switch spots with me again? Here tell you what, you move down. Oh, okay. No actually you go all the way down. All the way you want me to get down Yeah Actually go like off You tell me when the stops got. Stop. Thank you. Yeah. rightight there. All right. And and Hooever, you move Come over. Wh I go down thereember you move here? You're sitting here. this is where episodes don't get edited, do they? Now, I don't understand what that is. All right, This is it's like true talk show form. Okay, we all move down one. Oh I stay here. How's that sound? That sounds good to me. I haven't been fighting you this whole time. I've been very frustrated, very confused this whole time I notice I'm not'm very I'm very flusted and upset. Okay, I'm sorry John. Anything I can do That means a lot to me. say that. Okay, good. See, this is what I'm talking about when I talk about apologies. You could do this with all of your coworkers. I wasn't paying attention. Okay Let's get to our next guest. He is a New York City tour guide. This is haveave you toured much of New York City? Oh course I have. from who, I don't think I got that when you came in. New Orleans, New Orleans. That's right Heere is a friendly guide that takes us through New York City showing us the sites. Please welcome Adrian Brothers Oh, you better ask Scott. it's been a whole thing. you want me to sit here? sureure, yeah, go ahead. J sit right there. I you want me to sit I don't care anymore. Just hold it so quicklys. it moves down one I heard backstage in Christ I just wanted to make sure I sat right next to because I understand that's how you want your show to work. Adrian Brrosers, it's so nice to meet you. Wonderful to meet you, Scott Oerman Or as I like to say, Oermon Are you from the island? I want you to guess. I want to cancel you New York City. Well, I'm not from New York City, No, you think this is a New York accent? It's an accent I've heard in New York City? Sure, okay, way way to avoid the cancellation. Allright, wonderful to be here. Wonderful to have you. This is Hoover Persone. Hello. Hi there. It's a pleasure to meet you. Hagan ee What did you just say? Wag guan. If you make that too much of a tin, you will get cancellled. Okay, yeah Greeting where I'm from Is that where Jar Jar Binks was from or I hope Voucher's in the house tonight Dear God, I hope Vultcher's here. This John Lannon, by the way. John Lenon Hello, how you doing? Oh amazing,azing, Hazing. I'm doing amazing. Amazing. Adrian. Amazing, yes. Yes. Hadrian, Hdrian brothers. So yes, I'm a tour guide. I do hail from Kingston, Jamaica. Kingston Jamica, that's a wonderful wonderful city. Okay, S more A lot of a deeply enriched culture Okay. You know, he's shaking up here. He's literally shaking. Oh, he's still nervous about the seating. Everything's okay, man. We're in New York City. We're in New York City. This is the great melting part. jungle where dreams are made of. That's right Tour guide for New York City ises. Yeah, what area do you cover? All of it. All of it. All the boroughs. So if I were to go on a tour with you, including Joe We're killy Bob Blair All right, maybe I can do stand up. okay was I tried to telloke When I'm doing the tours, I tried to tell jokes. Oh really? Oh, wow. Could we pretend we're on a tour, maybe? we could Okay, sure. Okay, here we are. Oh okay. Times square. Are we on the tour as well Are we on a bus or we're on the bus, yes, s This is a bus. This is a bus. You want me to drive it? O Do you drive it? I don't drive the bus. then let's make it very real. A wonderful woman named Dorita drives the bus She's amazing. You should see the way she handles that big car. All right She does an amazing job. She kind of turns the wheel. Amazing. It's more than turning the wheel It's navigating curves Navigating curves and reading lights. All right. So typical driving stuff You've never seen Aorita drive a bus. Okay You know, nothing Nothing is typical about the way Dorita drives the bus. Okay, so we are Hi bus. All right, Dorita's driving. Here you're oni bus, John. I'm on the bus too. Yeah, you're oni bus. Is it one of those buses where it's open on the toub? Does it matter It would be nice to feel the breeze in the summertime I get Well, Well then yes, it's open on the top for you. What's your name is Hoover say your name? Hoover persononi Pva personon. All right. Can you spell persone? This is Pureios R S O N A E. Oh Okay, just like it spelled, sounds like it's spelled. all right. Just like it's spelled, yeah I'm getting nervous, okay up here. Oh no just tar. I don't just tar this many people. Yeah, that's. I mean it's yeah, this is a lot of people to put on a tour. Just imagine that these people are on the tour, they're on the bus. Imagine they're in their underwear J J those were the original lyrics, right? What for what? Riding the bus? I'm looking out of the audience here. I thought I wasn't allowed to talk anymore I don't know why I'm involving you. I don't know why either. I thought I was just here to look at the rest. I don't know why you're taking time from a Jamaican man. Sorry, I'm so sorry, Adrian Okay, All right, so pretend we're on this tour. Okay, we're on the tour. Here we are in Times Square, or as I like to call it New York City's Mat equation Okay, that's pretty good John likes it. No I like that off the wall, shit. This is great Hoover persona is giggling. I am giggling here to be a standu doough, you see? That's not my dream. That's not my passion. What is your dream? My dream and my passion. Well, my dream my dream is that one day we can all see each other, not by the color of our skins. But by the content of our hearts My passion, right is a good dream Ridggin our dream Our now dream yes And My passion is for the Christ dream. That's my passion My career aspirations? Oh yeah. That's something different. Okay, let's get to those. You shouldt just ask that. Why didn't you just ask that? Maybe because I said, but maybe what are your career aspirations? I want to be a rapper. Really? Yes. so that's why I come to New York City, you see? Because in Jamaica I tell people I want to do music. They immediately they assume reggae. I don't want to do reggae. I want to rap. Do Nanish American rappers? go quick. hurry. Saboo no. Sab Shaba ranks. Shaba ranks. rapper I don't know. Eactly. Here's the ta, neither do I? Jhaggie Shaggy, it wasn't him, but wasn't he a singer? It's like I can get you to believe anything Oh, it's good. All right. so I want to be a rapper. Shinehead. Shinehead, watch is that a ra show slur But you can call me Sinehead. I beg your pardon that is a musical artist, Shine Hood. Shine Had. He's a rapper. I don't know. Exactly. So I want to be the first Jamaican rapper In Jamaica I making music. Everybody think I want to do reggae. I don't. me don't want to do reggae. M want. T do rap and hip hop Pap pop and rap, who are some of your influences if you don't mind me Isaparocki, Travis Scott, Jack Harlow Some real hip hop there. Real true hip hop ye. You know? True hip hop, when they's talking about something, you know? Yeah, yeah. well like what would you rap about if you I have a song actually. Really? I'd love to hear it. Do you mind Do you want the world's slowest spotlights to come on Somebody backstage, you know, they said to me, you can get a spotlight if you want. I'm like, why are you guys pitching this spotlight so hard? I mean, I'll take a spotlight if I must I need to be an artist. I gotta get out of the spotlight. I needate to leave. That's how I respond when then put the spotlight on me all my friends left me All right, I need you all to remember this is a rap song. It's not a reggae song. Adrian brothers Mid do rap. Midan do reggae S world Sing, Wha. Sing. I what Scott. I was just ramping up. You were telling us to sing. I was gonna I was just you were able to decipher what I was saying. What a miracle I was trying to join in an I want to be like I want to be like buster rhymes where you can't hear what he's saying. I don't like that you could hear what I was saying. Yeah. You want to be so fast that no one can want to be like. I want to be the first Jamaican mumbo rapper That is not to called buster rymambber wea. That doess not lot of converse around blah, blah That is to say I want to be the first Jamaican Mumbarava Okay, You want another song? Oh that was That was the entirety of one. That was one more song was one whole song Beginning middle and Iallude hook all of it Okay, not a one. G me a one word suggestion Still do factory? One wor. Sorry. I'll do factory I'm in the factory. you know, that's a factory. You know, that's not fiction, No, that's a factuck to me me for cQ Backry Sin bunda. Finished you' finished Okay. I'm finished I'm finished, I'm finished, please. So anyway, I'm a tour guide here in New York City. I moveved from Jamaica so that I can get into the hip hop industry. And I thought maybe here, you people have a connection. I came for connections. Yeah, do you know any rappers, Hoover Why I know someone stalling for time when I hear it. Do I know any rappers? You heard me. Repeat it again. buy some more time. Do I know any rappers? That's what I heard. Do you know any rappers? Do I know any rapper? You need to do one where you hit the word any. Do I know any rapper The cycle iss complete There should be enough time to answer. An's o kept answer is no. I can't say that I do know if anyone I know is a rapper, but everyone has a private life Break it down for me a Hooan personona. Some people might be rappers, but I don't know it. That's fair. because you know that makes sense. Be when I'm doing tours of New York City, people are none the wiser that I'm a rapper. You never do your rapping? You never talk do. I try not to mix business and pleasure. Yeah, I try not to mix business and pleasure. Do you mix pleasure with anything Well, sometimes a little salt or ice cubes Th Those can be fun with play. You ever mix vodka with Benzidreine This say sounds fatal It's like a fetu cocktail. It's all in the portions. Well, what's the right portions? A little bit from cololum A, a little bit from cololumn B Okay, well, I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I try not to cs. and you're a religious person? No So wait, wait, so your passion is the passion of the Christ, the movie. The movie Gibson, I know, he's canceled. He's canceled. My favorite white man is Mel Gibson You want me to walk it back I can't walk it the back. Once I say it's in the eater. All right. So for example, we're on the bus again. D Aita is navigating those curves like the queen she is We happen upon. and yet actually I want to walk this one back. We're on a boat We're on it boats now. one of those buses that turns into a boat at some point. I don't know those type, but yes. Like the duck the duck boats. Duck boats. Like auck F of ducks or boats or dck boats. Yeah. Don't shame them. Don't kink shame. All right, so we're on a boat. We're in the water. Okay You know, New York City is an island. I did not know that And that's the other reason I came up here because I know islands. Is that you move New York City is? Well to be a rapper and because I know islands. Yeah. You must feel quite at home here. I do. It's quite like Jamaica. So we're a neighborhood like we would be in Jamaica Scott, why are you smiling at me? You're very I'm straight You called me Shinehead and you think you have a stance with me? call me a shine head. What You know, you're going to lose your hair someday too, you know Ebalved wrappers are cool T pack Very cool All right, Is he one of your influences, Tupac? I don't really like Tupac No, no, no. more of Jack Harlow. Jack Harlow, Saboroi, Travis Scott was the one designer who did panda panda panda, panda panda. Love that one. Love that one. What's machine gun Kelly What exactly is he? What is he? Well, let's lose our wits about us. Machine. He's a machine. Okay That's good. Okay, he's a gone. Okay Right So what machines are guns? What machines are Well guns are guns Guns, guns, gun. So now we can just say gun. Okay. across that machine. Okay And Kelly. Now what Kellies are Kellies? Kapowski? Roland Conway Okay, so he's one of those. So he's one of those plus Gone. Now who here supports of the three Kell's supports Gone? Anne Conway probably. So here's Kelly Anne Conway. Okay Thank you. You can get that D of his lyric. Kelly and Conway. All right, but I would love it if people went up to Kellyne Conway if they ever sorry and said, you're mishing Kelly or you? just from this show I hope to God it happens. At least once. One, just one time. I. Everyone in this room meets Kelly Anne Cnway It's like he put a curse on them. She could be here. I put her as my plus one if she was gonna make it. But yeah, we go to the movies all the time and I said, whyy don't you come You're dating Kellian Conway. I'm not dating anyone, but I'm going there. Oh o play boy. You are hunched over so far. Fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Okay. Gess we're on a boat. We're on a boat. Remember all of us were on a boat Okay everyone. Everybody's on a boat. We pass upon the empires know, okay, wait, I'm still learning. Empire State Building is the big tall one. I don't want to do that one. I want to do we pass upon the statue of Liberty. Liberty Biberty. Libertyiberty. Liberty Biberty. sorry, we are sponsored by Liberty Mutuals, so I you're going Cractually obliged to say Liberty Biberty once per. So I like is that Eon Well, I just found out his name is Zemu Eu Lemuuu I mutual, get it. Oh Lemu Eu. I like that name. I'm still looking for a rap name, by the way. I don't have a rap name yet. The one I'm tyying with the most right now is takeake your time, Adrian Because I really like A up Rocky, so I can be the other side. takeake your time. I like that. Just take your time. TY T, Tight Adrian. What? TY T. TY T. Take your time. Oh. T Y T's a right. Adrian. I like that a lot. tighter Tight. I don't like that so much Every time you say Tit, that's why I was tripped up the first time because I go,, I don't like tight. I don't like that. Anyway, anyway Anyway, statue of Liberty. We pass upon her, we come upon her. We come upon her I didn't say anything I should have se the way he was looking at me when I said it Okay, Scott, Sorryry, come upon her. Cream pie Fine. creream pie Is that area happy? Oh my Godd. All right, My joke is back. What is a cream pie you're thinking about it so much over there? before I became an adult, I just always knew I thought a cream pie was the oatmeal with the Quaker man on the front with the cream in the middle Scott you have a chance to s hear to say me to or no, I did not think that and I'm gonna tell you what I thought cream pie was. When you say cream in the middle, God. creream in the middle. But it gotott much back Hey, I've seeing maybe a duo thing here happening. I would love to hear these two. I can't rap with a comedian. I don't want to rap with the comedian. Oh I could do a feature on it. Everything is a joke. Could you be like Michel Moore It' the funniest rapper though, you have to agree My favorite funny rapper A Andy Samberg. Yeah. Andy Samberurg so funny, so rapping. Okay Okay. So we come upon this statue of Liberty. or if you're Scott Ackerman, we crimp by. Okay. But on my boat, I would say, Okay, this is the statue of Liberty. as I like to call it, beach, you need to come down, put your hand down How does that go over with the crowd usually? Kind of how it went here. Yeah And then don't really like it, but maybe I'll try cream pie next time, seeee how it works. So that killed. I think that killed. that legitimately killed. You were beat red when I said cream pie Beets red. You know, beets aren't always red. Sometimes they're golden. He's right Should we start saying that watch is as gold as a bee? Yes. I say yes. Anyway, Okay Anyway. Perfect segue. Anyway,way. I think I could be a talk show host too, but that's not my career aspiration. I would love that though, you hosting a talk show? Adrian Brothers daytime talk show Daytime, really? I would like to do daytime so I can rap at night Rapping is a nighttime activity if you think it haveave you ever seen somebody rap during the day? Only at Kotella? Yeah, maybe I've never seen anybody rarap during the day. Have you ever seen Good Morning in America? they have a rarapper? They don't have a rarapper. I want to be the first Jamaican rapper on Good Morning America Dar, Mel Gibson, make it happen el Gibson. He's still alive, right don't know mean I've checked in with in the last hour, I've been on stage. would just say anything could happen in an hour. Yeah. That's what I tell people when they get on the bus that Dorita is handling like a queen Ive never seen a girl drive so good. Oh wait, you're giving her a lot of credit because it's a woman driving? Well yes Well, yes, Yes. She's so good. Yeah. She backs into parking spaces. You see, with the big boss. Okay. boss back into the parking space. Sure. Sure What do you mean? sure. That's a big deal big deal. I dri an RV Scott. That's pretty that's a very big deal deal.ust getting that thing across the street. Wh among us can back a bus into a parking spot It's time to do. So o, I have a boss outside. I saw two people raise their hand right here. Are we gonna go test them? Let's go outside and test The whole audience, let's go outside. Let's take those exit lights up. I'm just kidding. that's another one of my jokes. It didn't go over so well. But again, I don't have a career aspiration to be a standup comedian. you're doing a lot of jokes for someone who has no aspirations. No, I don't have any aspiration But people are laughing too much in my opinion Oh, don't worry about that. Society iss getting to be too goofy for me It' too goofy. I said that so often, society's too goof. I don't know. For me the news is too funny it is. Did you see the roast of Thomas Brady It's not what I would say is a news program, but I get my news on Netflix No know. Okay, maybe I'll change it. Yeah, if Tom Brady were here, what would you say to him? Okay, I would say there was a lot of jokes about Giselle and the divorce. And you know after they roast, mis. Thomas him say that his kids, he didn't like how his kids reacted to it. So I might say something like Thomas You're a goat. It's a good thing. you're not a chicken. It's like something like that, something Yeah You like that one? Thank you mayaybe some Hoova person, I really like you. I like you. Would you like to come on and be my hype manan? Maybe we can do a song together. I would love to. And you can be the hype manan. You know how the hypeman does. Of course. Should we get another spotlight and see how this would work? This time you join me I will.. Okay. Sh be be stun number. it should beitt every. That's correct aggreree We can sing, we can talk, we can rap and aiss but somebody like people. You can do so many things. You have to admire it. Thank you. I think he's got a job Wonderful, wonderful. Adrian brothers, everyone, Adrian brothers. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Wonderful. Thank you so much for the opportunity to be here. All my passengers on the evening tour, they're outside on the bus. They're outside right now. I told them that we're coming to see Brooklyn and this is an iconic part of Brooklyn, the Brooklyn Paramount. And you can tell tourists anything, you know That's the beauty of the job. So they're outside on the bus and Adrian is keeping them inside like a boss Adrian is Oh, I mean Gorita. my brain just I just can't fathom To see a woman You can barely even say the word. A woman, do what she does. She drives that bus, drives that boat like she's licensed The boat outside of the bus. The boat is outside as well underwater. I didn't realize the boat was real. I thought it was just a scenario. Sometimes we go on the boat. Yeah, sometimes we go on the boat. Darita's not man in the boat, or should I say woman props to her for what she does. Props to her The Rita' manning, the people on the boat they're swimming. We told them to swim in the water. The water is beautiful Beautiful water. Have you ever been to the beaches here, Scott? They're gorgeous. You get rocks stuck in your skin under your feet. Rreech, Oh my God, you must go Trash, ita was uponore L you in the eye and say you take issue with me, go to hell That's Reese's Beach for you Yes wow Rese Beach is a concrete jungle. I just want to say it It's a concrete jungle. You should do a rap song about Reepeech. That would. Rese Beach. Rese beach, that beach, Mach beach Miss Sch, I'm mum wrapping you must like it R beach, that beach, my beach, your beach, two beach, three beach. Take me to theata You heard him I personony. I really like this Adrian brothers, of course. Thank you so much. I'm out. No please stay, Please stay. So we have a guest coming up that I think you'll really enjoy. What makes you so as much? I don't know. That's s it in with Scott. You probe one bit more. You find that him don't know what he's talking about. Just say it with him. He gets to host the show, but I don't. We can switch. It's not my career aspiration, no. I would love it if I could come out last one of these shows. Can I host Scott for the rest of the show? No, okay But know' not your attention. Can I ask you why the sunglasses on this speak in front Who put that there? That'sis mister Fingerman. It's like how the trash washed upon the shore at Reses Beach. You know somebody's body has gone missing in the water Very bizarre. You want the sunglasses, mr. Lena? I don't want to put the tape on there. Are they're taped on there?'s yeah, there's tape on here, keep t them off. It's telling the audience we're watching you Oh yeah, is tate. You're probably not supposed to draw attention to it. That's the government. Ibe it's time someone does draw attention to the government Wh I'll leave that. I think the government is doing an emassing job. In America, the government is doing a humilisent job. You know, I have another writing gig. I write text messages for the Democratic Party Oh my God, did you Did you write that one that's like if we donate five hundred K in the next hour, Trump will never recover? Here's some of my favorite ones I've written Are you serious? You have gotten all of these texts and still haven't committed to vote for Joe Biden You know, I got a text message like that and that was after I said, stop in all cups. That's how it responded. We're not allowed to stop. You can't stop Once they get dinner I must keep going. If you don't watch the state of the Union address, Joe Biden will be humiliated You didn't make me tune in. I will say I wasn't going to tune in. You don't want that guy. I don't want Joseph Robinett Biden humiliated. I know my stuff about America, by the way. Yeah. I' very impressed that I know his middle name. Ask me any other trivia about America. Any other trivia. What year was it incorporated or It's a trick question for this native Kingonian. It has never incorporated. Make sense? Okay. More questions may pop up as the evening progresses. And I'll be ready. Wonderful. I'll be ready. How many days does February have in America These are getting to be racist All right, we have to get to our next guest Speaking of racism S, you know what I would do? I would have just gone anyway anyway and then yes. Yes, all right. But racism played a part in his saga. I mentioned we have an actor here on the show. Please welcome OJ Simpson Giant hands Oh. G Giant hands. more better to feel you with, God. OJ, OJ. Boy, I tell you, it is good to be back Great to have you, OJ. for those of you who don't know O I mean, some of you may be millennials or something, NoJ. Some of you may be millennials You don't know who I am. Scott, tellem all about me, your best friend OJ, you played for the Buffalo Bills. rightight here in the great state of New York, hey, what year did New York receive its arrticles of Incorporation First of all, h day. I just whole day. You to call that's the eighties. I'm just saying First of all, Hoji I would like to please call me Hornough That I'm seeing so many people with the lovely tour t shirts on, I don't have one of those. We gotta guess you want, OjJ. I would love for you to be reping CB. And can you please make sure it fits You know, I know I look like the host of the show. Yes, because I would be a great host. How would you segueake? I would be like anyway. Wow Anyway, you heard D man, getet him a blouse that fits. Please give me a blouse that fits. Well, if it doesn't fit, then what If it doesn't fit, then you'll have to give me another size I'm just saying What's your name, sir? Hoover Pone. Hoover Persone, takeake care my friend Are you leaving? I'm out of here. OJ, it's amazing to see you because there was a rumor going around. Yes. I think that you debunked in our LA show. Oh gosh, Scott, let me tell you, with this rumor, I have been to hell and back . True, you know. It has been a real debacle, if you will. One of the worst rumors I've ever experienced in my life, honestly It's trruly one of the worst rumors I've ever experienced in my life People wereth. Yeah. People were saying that you died. I can't you believe it Can you all see me? putut your hand through me,y Punch me as hard as you can, Sott. Punch me. Now you're here, I feel you. Punch me. This is like the moment in passion of the Christ where the disciples didn't believe Jesus was back. Yeah. But Horental is back Corin Dalt, you're here, and it's a pleasure to meet you. It is a pleasure to meet you as well. Oh Wait a minute, Wait a second. Wait one moment. Is that my old pal From the nineteen sixties and seventies, my old running mate mister John, right right. I haven't seen you in a long time, Jude. It has been a while.n. You look great. I heard the news and I was devastated. I didn't tweet about it, but God, I missed you. Thank you for not tweeting about it. You threadted about it, though, right? Thats I always thread about it. I thread about every celebrity I know every. Thank you for not exing about it But but you definitely threaded about it. Understood. It is great to see. Great to see you. Hey, we gott to play golf again real soon. We have to We played me and OJ. just got it I'm allowed to tell us a really quick story. Me and OJ played a round of golf where you had to take a piece of clothing off every single hole ick if you won or lost, what S, what are you asking If you won or lost, usually you take a piece of clothing off if you've lost the hole. You lose the hole exactly. I think Is that how you played Freak Boy? oy We do it a little different. We just walked out of the locker room completely nude. Yep And went for it. And you know what? Pople hated it eighteen holes. Two balls, one strike. We had baseball bs. Who ca? Who cares what you do out there? The game's so boring anyway. The game is Stupendously boring Scott, why haven't you been the brunch I'm sorry. Are you avoiding me? I'm not avoiding you. It feels like you're avoiding me. I have to admit, so you know, my personal history we Sott There are two people leaving right now. Are you guys H is talking, come on.. Horinthal is talking OJ doesn't like. When we get the house lights up to sh it. They don't hear us at all. We see you so. B. By you too. You're making OJ mad here. He hates to see two people leaving a place. S there in the floor, One of them forgot their glasses Jop before I go. It. You just got out here How long has it been? Scott? It's been maybe five minutes. Five minutes. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Imagine what you could accomplish. Scott It is honestly an honor to see you. It's an honor to see you. The one thing I wanted to say is, you, my personal history with you is I was a big fan of you growing up. and then you seguate into acting, the Naked Gun franchise. I was acting before that Sot come on. Is true? Of course, you're in the commercials First in ten HBOs hit series, F in ten where everybody can pick that DVD set upp from your local marshals TJ Mac And then you were in Naked gun thirty three and a third and that's about when I stopped hearing about your exploits Around nineteen hundred ninety two or so. ninety two. Yeah. G. And then this rumor that was going around, was it wasn't the only rumor that I was reading about. I was reading about some crazy stuff that. You heard I got divorced. Yeah Yeah. That was going around W Was that true? It was true.ott. I got a divorce. I'm sorry to hear that. That's tough from what I understand. You hear your name one more time. Adrian brrothers. Adrian brothers. My rap name is Take your time. You're a rapper. I am a rapper. Wow. F those. The first Jamaican rapper. You can hear it The first Jamaican rapper? The first Jamaican ra. Hasn't been any ofers? Not one. T to name one Shabber Rigs. Was he a rapper? Some might say. But would you say Perhaps So can I say They're not under oath here Please Scott, I also recall sending you multiple invitations to my court cases. and you never showed up I have a friend that had a one woman's show and Scott never showed up to that either. Yeah He doesn't go to things. He doesn't go to things unless its. Unless it's his thing. Yeah. Only his thingsings does he go to I dontly want to go to my things. You know, backstage, I want to tell the Audience something. Backstage he was cursing you all for showing up He he said he hopes for the rest of the cities. No one shows up And he got the ticket list, so he was going name by name. And he cursed you each by name. It took a long time. Curse And if he said plus one, he said you're plus one as well It's crazy. You would think a man like this would be grateful. The only two people he liked are those two guys they just left They have taste. Scott, I got to get out of here. Okay. just I must see the city of New York. I'm sched for seven AM. Ho Jorntal. Yes. Torntal. I can show you New York. Yes. I I know New York like the back of a bus. Like the back of a bus I've got a lot of things I wan to see here. Like what? Do they still have that pizza place? Oh yeah. They sure do. Good. They sure do. And they cut the slices like. They cut them now. They cut the slices like a. Things have changed since I was in Buffalo It' quite different from New York City. It is. sure. Lots of Trump supporters in this city? Well, I mean, let's not go too crazy on them I say, you know, that's what I say. That's why I like New York City. It's so Republican Scott, have you seen a rat since you've been here We got off the train and there were like three just scampering by. I just really felt like, you know, we were here in New York City. Three blind rats Wow's g Well, I'd like to thank you for inviting me. You're doing your own wrap up, is that what's happening? At the end of the day is God When things come to an end When we reach a natural stopping point At the end of a sence is always a period. It's true. Take care bit. There's one bottle of water out here that we're supposed to split between us all. I'll take a cap full same cap, you put your mouth on may as well drink from the botle. Now he's tongue in the cap He's eating the cup out Cess you' under the cup I think I was kind of lingol was Yeah, you're right. C link. C link L. C on Lenin. Sorry, I was I just putting my own world here It is so good to see you. N a fam. Did you enjoy how I was cunneling the cap? Remember we used to do what we used to do in the seventies, rightight? Well, with caps or what else? Back then there was no plastic water bottles. You had to cunneling guy the glass bottles, right? You and I would end up in the emergency room almost every weekend cut up mouths, cut up tongues. What a time we had. What a crazy time we had Are you still wearing four watches? Yep. Yeah, you look great in those. God. One for London, one for New York. One for LA.ight. And one for Dallas, Texas. Scott Before I go I just want to say it's an honor to be here. Also, everyone who's here, make sure you describe to Scott and I's newsletter.cribe. Make sure you describe the newsletter. Tell everybody what you're reading You want just to describe. Hey, Huma, that could be a job for you. Describing news. Describe Oh, you could do that. Maybe I could in my own newsletter. You have a newsletter? Well after a fashion. I'd write it for someone else. but I like to think I put my own spin on it What type of things to you writes about. I'm finding myself curious. New canned goods They're developing every day. Every day. Right. I write about people having affairs in the break room Keep roking OJ iss very interested in this subject. Where do you work? I'm sorry that I'm maybe asking something. I work at Garden Grove Organic Groceries. In Garden Grove, California? No, that's just the name of it. Oh, okay. Okay. And you're a bag boy? Oh, I write the circular. Okay. You write the circular? There's not Yeah. Maybe graphic design then maybe is your thing No, I'm literally writing things Scott, I' ask a question before when I was asking questions to our guests here. I was shut down immediately. Yeah. we're going over things that have already been played with. So my confusion here is what's the beef with me, man Got to ask it. and I hate to do it in front of all these people, but it's always a thing with you, man er himwer him.onser him. Tell him. What's the beef, mana'? I apologize, John. So I need to hear. That's that simple. It's that simple with mever, you could have that same kind of forgiveness. That's great. Yeah I don't know. That's great. God, do you forgive me? Sure Juice. Say that loud, God. I Scott Agerman. Ctely f. I hope to God. I hope to God vultures here. Say Scott. Say it Scott I Sct Oerman. Iy Scott Ocerman, compleompletely forgive and absolved. Completely forgive and absolve. Hornthhal, James Simpson. Hornhal, James Simpson You heard it here, folks to say you think Horantal did it and so you're abserved. what What do you mean? What are you talking about, you Jamaican man It's a racial slur. Jamican Man is a racial slur. It was the tone you took What are you talking? You took a slurry toe. I took a slurry toe My tone was flour mixed with cold water. Flirry. What did he do? And if he did it, How what did he do? What did I do, you Jamaan? I'm only got I don't know if this is taboo in America because I'm not from Hammerica. Taboo the board game. Don't try to distract Horanthal here seemed to have You damn Jamaican What it? Spit it out. Spit it out of your Jamaican mouth It's a slur.. You said it in a slurry way. I didn't say anything P out of by Jamaica. your Jamaican mouth. F out of your Jamaican asshole All right, OJ Simpson, everyone. OJ Simpson Jice, They're not booing. They might be buooing. They might be. This see some serious faces. Some people don't like when I joke. I feel I feel that some people don't like when I drink. Tell me this. Do you think this is funny? We're on a boat. Underwater I'm laughing. already. I might have a career in stand upp. but that's not my career asiration.. No, don't worry, I got you. Every comedian knows once you get the laugh, retreat. imediately stand. The job of a comedian is to retreat once you get the laugh. One laugh That's it. And then you go backstage. Take care And you wave. All right, well, let's bring our next guest out here. I hyped this up at the beginning of the show. This show has a little boy on it He's of medium age Please welcome to the show, Dickie Donnelly Hi Dicky. It's great to see you guys. Hi, Daddy? No, no No, no, no. Scott Ockerman, of comomedy Bang Bang, you were on the show. I to k Tonlly Fooloo pues These were not the specifics I remember No Jamaican asshole I haven't said a thing now. Do you have to put me in it? Can we agree that was a racial slurry Hi, little boy Hello, little boy and we don't want we like to Hello little boy.. Everyone say hello little boy little boy. Hello little boy Hello little boy. I'm a little boy all alone in the big New York City. The apple my eye. Liberty, Liberty, liberty And big news. I haven't found my parents, but I did find a talent agent. Whoa. They're sayaying I'm the most adorabest l we in New York City Broadway. That's amazing, Dicky. You've been lost for twenty something years I'mot sure no one ever taught me a math. That's why I go to Timesquare to learn my multiplication. And that's why I call it New Yorkity Equation. You understand. Even the you to them understand. This is my friend, the tour guide. I got here by squeezing my head into the wheelwell of the bus. And I rode around and around A am I dizzy? Scott, this is your son. No who is this person? Dicky's a lost little boy I was hugging you a lot when you came out. Yeah. When he came out, I should say. God wants to be my dad, but he plays hard to get. Dicky's great to. Scott today is not today in America, but coming up soon is Far's Day. Maybe maybe this can be your son for Far'say. Maybe you could take Dicky for a picky What does that mean to you? A pnic in New York City's most wonderful hill Notting Hill I would have said Ko Picnic for picnic. Daddy dear I barely know you, Dicky. You were on the show one time as white left Jn have to a dad o, Dicky. Oh That's terrible, Scott. That's the worst thing a human could do. If you don't mind, my talent agent Trevby Krzney is here. Trebby Kristney is here? I' sitting in the back. How did you get an audition with Trevby Kristney? I mean, is that one of the biggest names in all of New York City? I don't know. She just said I was the most adorableest little boy in New York. So What was that name again? Trey the way I pronounce it is I'm ready to hear from here. The way I've always notn it is Trevy Ksky K Kinsky So if she wants to see some range, I'll tell her I don't have a dad and I'll give her a dramatic monologue or I'll sure I can dance. L boy. L boy I'm sorry you don't have my father I'm really sorry, but you know, you can accept Mel Gibson into your heart And then you don't need a daddy. You have a heavenly daddy assuming he's dead Assuming he's dead but I'd love to accept him. Will you leave me in a prayer? Sure. Okay We' all hold hands and accept Mel Gibson into our hearts This is a church, isn't it? This is a church. Dear heavenly Father Boy, boy M, it's been some time since we've spoken We have this little dicky by We're here to ask for our daddy and we would like to accept on behalf of the minor you into the heart of L Dicky now. He's in there. He's in there, amen. Hey, heavenly Father, it's me, yours truly Just wanted to say hello. Take care Now why are you making direct eye contact with me? I'm not possess Is that prayer gonna work because OJ interrupted it? You already have a daddy, back off. I do have a father. What's his name then? Big OJ. The original orange? The original orange. I wonder what my dad looks like. Well, he's brunette, right? getting older, has done some wonderful acting gigs. Oh, like me. I'm an actor. U Treby Krickney's watching. Maybe I should do a monologue from a movie. Yeah, sure. Do you need a spotlight Yeah Do you have Do you have five minutes? Oh no What movie should I do Someone shout out a movie I heard football That was a great film Scaary Triby Kix is here, you must do it. I heard Sos and redemption Did someone say that Dink redemption, not on Misha. I'll be deating. I eat for miles underneath this groundy old, crusty old tunnelon. Oh, here I come out now. I miss prison Dicky Donlly and Beast in a Lam, five of two had a Big belly, little b, bigig dream, seven dreams, Big heart, and Big Dick. Dickie Donnelly Wow Incredible. Amazing Dickie. Maybe I'll' another tri. How youo. I wanted to do a thing You do mona too. Trevy Kirky might sign you. Yeahver. Do a monologue. Whooever we would love to see you do a monologue. You are amazing hype man. All right Where should the monologue be from? Name a movie. Jamaica, Jamaica. Jamaica, the movie.. Well, you said where is it from? So Jamaican rain man. Cool runnings Somebody said cool running. Well, well, well, here we are once again, fellas Getting ready to descend the mountain the only way we know how In a cool way Some might say we didn't have it in us to even get to the top of a mountain much less the bottom But we did it with grit, grace, and determination. And now it's time to go down to the bottom. R run, run, run, we go. run, run, run, we go in the coolest way possible. O Very welcome Bravo. Coover, it's safe to say I am rock hard. You're getting a call from Try it not seem to say You're getting a call Oh my go o. Thiry Shuty's calling you now? From the back of the theater. Hellllo. Hello. Hello, littleittle Dicky. Yep. Y Dicky. Why did you let that big man upstand you This call's private, I'm gonna take it over here. What did you say, Trey? Why did you let that big man upstand you? I couldn't help it. He pushed me to the ground. He said I'm doing the monologue now So, you go back out there and you show them why triby Cry signed you. Okay. Be Do she hang up about that? Whoa listening audience This little bully is hitting This little bu. Dick And Horantal likes it. Me. Horantal likes to see the violence. I would have used a different style I'll teach you later, boy Sticky, I think we overheard the call, I'm sorry. It was on spepeaker, I guess. No. No, we did. Dicky, it's very bad to lie to your father. He will spank you if you don't tell the truth. No. Sorry, Scott, I'm trying to help you. Scott, Don't see I'cott a lot of parenting parenting books will say, to give into the child's whims every so often. I think oy, we're not gonna acknowledge I spoke to you at all. I said your name Now we're done. You're not gonna take advice from theest dad who ever lived? Well Deey, I think that you're agent, I can't remember her name. Kirby Kick me, Kirby Joke Joke. I think your agent was saying, prorove your. I can do improv. Do see with me, daddy? All right. Yes Let see Okay, What do you want to do? What should Scott play? Dildo factactory. Let's see a scene in a Dildo factory. And you guys have just run out of wax We work together, I guess. Let's give you a lot of space here. Come on Oh my God, honey. I can't believe it Wait, it's a mom and pop dildo factory It' a family business Thereo threeree foot two, wet and slimy purple over bumpy Goopy. , this is my wife Mindildo, I'm not in the scene. We're out of whax There will never be any more like you. Adopt me. You're my partner. Yes, whatever. Aopt me You're holding me so tight. What is is I'm getting another call from Shherby Krigan. All right