The Pizza Delivery and Conclusion

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First steps first swim lesson or first sleepover Our clothes help kids and parents have their best summer ever Thanks to comfy design and easy dressing details Genations of families have trusted our must hves for babies, toddlers, and kids desesigned to shine season after season Visit carters. com to shop the latest styles or find a Carter store near you Hey everyone, Scott Okerman here and welcome to another bonus Bang where we are rereleasing great episodes of comomedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall And we are in the middle of this series. I don't know if we're in the middle or at the end close to the end, I'm not sure, but the series is called Globe Trot with Scott, where we are featuring some of our favorite live shows from past tours. Now This is all of course, celebrating the fact that we're on the road now with our twenty twenty six ground beefing tour. Paul of Tomkins, myself and the CBB all stars coming to a city near you. If you're in the UK and Ireland, we are also gonna be there with Andy Daley. He's gonna be with us. This is gonna be a really fun tour and we're about halfway through at this point. So we decided to showcase some of the great episodes from previous tours. Now this episode is called twenty twenty four Tour, Saint Louis It was recorded at the Pageant Theater on june twentieth, twenty twenty four, the Pageant Theater. We were just there a few weeks back, wonderful venue And this was the eighth show of our twenty twenty four tour As the guests. Let's run them down. Pauliff Tomkins As Monsignur Damien Far Fernel. Fernel Lily Sullivan as Bicky Connor Radliffe as Morris, the Missouri Mule, Carl Tart as the Pine saw lady, and Will Hines as the brronze booiebarder. It's this is I remember this episode being a lot of fun. I remember Will Hines taking a huge tumble when he came out and Connor happened to be in town and so he jumped on the show. This was a really fun one. And we are still on tour. so Don't miss your chance to catch me, along with Paul of Tomkins and the CB all stars as we come to a city near you. You can check out all of the dates and buy tickets at cbbworld dot com slash tour. Now if you enjoyed this episode, and you will want to hear other great episodes of comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CB Presents, Scott hasn't seen the neeighborhood listen College toown, become a subscriber at cbbworld dot com d All of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live show, ad free new episodes, even more original shows. I think we're in the middle of the crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs. Plus, we're releasing all of the live episodes that we're doing the next day for our Maximus subscribers. We're gonna be back Monday for a new episode of comomedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang I ever remember this place We had, good time here Eight reading this I wait actually be install out I'll give you a nickel if you tyiple my pimbo but make that's funenty if you jostle it plenty What is the money been there Thank you to Stephen Fart Esquar s rate suission I don't think that's gonna sick I't of aning that every single show. Stt Louis, thank you so much for turning out again to comomy Bang Bang. My name is Ted Akerman, I'm the host of Prdy Bagbang. and before we begin not what's happening with this m? Should it be Do you like your water? Q on, if you keep doing this and you say more die than it's a stampy Is it the monitors that are going to he it or do I heard it. It's okay. okay. the monitors are occasionally com What in couaches And I appreciate it though. but thank you very much, because I just want to alert you to thatast. Bang. Before we begin, may I ask how many people here have never even heard an episode of Comby Band gid before Right up there. Let me just explain exactly what you're going to see tonight. Tonight is sort of like a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. I will be having guests out here on these stools. Books to be white ones and one J Rember We was make it out. No These are conversations that have never been had before between the participants. These are conversations presumably that have never been had before between any you and me We'd be gared if for just re enacting conversations from eit people But these are conversations that are not pre planned. We have not discussed anything we're going to talk about beforehand. We in fact, have not even acknowledged each other backstage. We've all sat in severate corners not looking at each other, staring plumbly into the distance U And that's essentially it. We're just gonna have a goodir time tonight. so that'll be good Hly crouch Ifcach implies, I don't want to be seen and yet you're also re It pretty expensive from by A like Bean But before we get to all this, there is one piece of business that we have to extend to. We're listing Yeah If you've been listening to Norsy do it. You know what I'm about to say So g than cats. And We are about Staint Louis to do a little something that I call the balcony rewards Now the Galony the people of Galony are very excited. You should not be This not to give you any kind of shout out or p you out and go like, Hey the back. We love you. No. No Pestly bl. They did to by beense Such good funny, he just walts right in here and f over the go I give a damn about the five minutes he missed Now the balcony report is merely instructional. It's for those of you listening at home and for those of you right here in this audience who know precisely And all the balcony. The number of balconies that are in the ven that are walking G Hang know Now New wringle for this tour. before every other tour I would give it out where people would be up and losing their minds It was sm But this tour, we're doing something a little extra special. I am tackculating and calculating the number of balconies across the entire tour Yeah So you' gonna have two numbers. Don't be confused The first number will be the number of balconies in this room tonight. By the way, don't turn around and look. sl at be excited The first will be the number of balconies in this very room and the second will be the total, the grand total, in fact, number of balconies thus far on the tour. Are you ready for this, Staint Louis? because I And please punch to announce that St. Louis, the Pageant theater has one balcony. I also be sick Come't feel like my gs. But that gives us a grant You're ready. I think I' get A grand total, thus far on the tour, we are approximately eight days in eleven balcony thrilling P the best part of the show, and now I feel you've gotten your money's worth. We can coast All right, are you all ready to start the show? We have a jam packed one here tonight Such great guests coming out here and our first one is no exception. He's a religious figure Hm Please, I've spoken to him once before, I believe backstage at a different show Please welcome Monsignor Damen Furnnley to the stage Senior. Damen It'. Thank you Thanks very much One senior. Wonderful to. I met you backstage at a different show. What was that show? The show was called, Kiss Me, I'm Patrick McMahon It's an Irish storyteller doing a live show in Los Angeles Does that literally answer your question? But Scott, thank you very much. I'm pleased as punch this pilot to be here I've never been to a theater that has a conversation pit before Just random conversations will sometimes just erupt and you know, we're here to guide people through those. Is that accur the show? Sure. too guide people through conversations. Yeah. You know, they could go this way, they could go that way. That sounds too much to me like therapy. Really? you have never undergone therapy? Oh, no no. Wet in the church we don't encourage therapy Why is that? Because then you don't need the church anymore. Where it cross purposes, you know? Yeah. And does therapy cost ten percent of your income We're talking about tithing. Tithing, yeah We don't really do that. Oh really, in the Catholic Church, we ask for money all the time. Every Sunday, we have a box labeled Por Box. You pass by it, immagine how you feel And that money goes to the pooorer amongst us You know, poor is a loose word. Sometimes directory is poor in groceries Where exactly do you practice, is that the right word? No. H. Where's my parish? Where do you do your thing I'm a mon senior at the church of the Holy Crown of Thorns and all the Nails Wow, I don't think I've seen that one, but it sounds Ohh really? Are you keeping track of all the Catholic churches you see I'm up to twenty three That's not bad. You You're on your way, son. There It's like bird watching, is that it? Sure. Oh, there's another one. I write you down on my little book. I'm presuming you have a little book Well, speaking of little books, you have the original little book. Well, we never call it the little book. We call it the good book. The good book. The Bible. The Bible. Num one best seller Thousands of years running. Is it really still a best seller? People can't get enough You know how when they had to stop putting Pink Floyd's dark side of the moon on the charts, you know, where they were like, all right, enough. I didn't know Its like on there for ten years or something. they're like, okay, we're noer letting dark sideide of the mooon the charts anymore. We're taking it for granted that people are still boy in sh. Is that what the Bible is like? 'cause I never see it on the New York Times bestestseller list. Well, they're godless, so they won't put it on there I'll tell you that it's secret of the church that anyt time it slips below a certain number, below number one, we send out a bunch of people to buy copies of the Bible to drive it back up again. W And also we'll release special editions to the Bible Remastered I like those Bibles where everything Jesus says is in red ink. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah 'cause you're treating yourself for get one of those. You're reading along and you're like, boring, boring, boring, boring. And then it's like, ooh, there's that guy. That's right. He's saying stuff Now I know to pay attention We did one where we put out a version of the Bible where every time the devil spoke it was an inv visible link So you had to like pour lemon juice on it. J like hold up to a light bulb That's how we ca calledght a bun of sinners. why are you so interested in what the devil has to say come with their Bible of the pages had that crispy brown surface Like when you were a kid you tried to make a treasure back treasure b. You burn the edges. I started a fire in my room now. L she did. Everyone did If you don' mind, Scott, I'd like to Boting carris some business firstirst of all If you don't mind and if you'd appreciate it, I'd like to do a blessing for the podcast before we proceed any further. We have never had a blessing during the podcast evenven though I don't believe in anything, you know that you're about, I would Now why was that necessary to say That's an inside thought. You don't have to make sure I know about it Like inside baseball thought? What's an inside baseball thought? where like you know more about the way the sausage is made than now we're talking about sausage pe keep it to yourself. Yeah. In any case I would love to have a blessing on the podcast because you know, why not? Exactly. Yeah some insurance, you know. 'ause what if I turned out to be right Man, I'll be so embarrassed I'll be in heaven just going like, man, you were right. The race is on. Now look,, I understand. I might get up there and find out, oh oh, I devoted my life to the wrong thing But if I'm right Man, it's gonna be it's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be grand. Are you kidding me? Especially Bam Mont senior, when they see me they're like, come on, headad of the line But The lines in heaven, that's the one thing there's always lines. Yeah. I don't know why. S shouldould have done away with that. It's like can you apply for know TSA precheck for heaven? That's not a bad idea.. You know what I think about that is the sort of TSA prechck for the line in heaven is being Catholic. So maybe consider it If you don't wan to take your shoes off on your way to hell I want my shoes on in hell. Why is thatad? BeCcauseuse it's too hot. You think the shoes are gonna help What they do with the pool That's interesting. What if hell is just like the pool You get there, Oh, it's not so bad Whool's crowded Maybe they just exaggerated it. It's just like it's like being outside on Tuesday. You know, the disciples and everyone, I don't know, who tals God. God. Sure. The disciples were stenographers essentially It's Gods story. Gods story. Okay, all right I don't mean to insult you. Forgive me if I'm a defenseive if it's my job. It's my whole thing. All right, so now you wantanna bless this podcast What do you need from myself? or I need from the people? just Everybody bow your heads Heavenly Father Please guide us as we go through this podcast recording Let us be witty, concise Enertaining, let the ones and the zeros all come together. I'm assuming this is digital Yeah yeah, pretty much. We pray to you and all the angels and saints, the apostles, the clerics The Druids The magic users A Paladins Charismatic thieves and the gelatinous cube Amen. Man Now that's out of the way. hope you don't mind, I wantanna do some parish bullet announcements ese are announcements for your particular parish? Well, they sure. I mean, they could apply to various parishes. I mean, they're all kind of the same You can insert the names of the people that you know All right, first off Mrs. Gallaher has died at the age of ninety one So good news, we can finally cancel six AM mass. She was the last one. She was the only one going. She was the only one It's terrible to be up on the altar and you and the altar boys outnumber the audience The audience I put in words you could understand. Thank you We'd go out there beforehand and say, do you really want us to do it? mriss. Skeller? And she'd say, I have to have it People must stop using the conffessionals for TV show spoilers What does that mean? People are coming into the confessional and they're just spoiling shows left and right for me. justust because it's private How does that come into their confession? They just bring it up? They find a way to worm it in. You know, they're talking about some problem in their life and they say, you know, it's like the Trador season finale, the one from Australia. And I'm like, I'm watching this show across five countries now. I'm doing the best I can. Triters in heaven. H by Eric Clapton All right, a holy relic brought to us from the Holy Land by Sister Margaret. L year has been de verified by the Holy Sea in Rome. It was not in fact a splinter of bone from Saint John the Divine. It was just an old bit of Lego It's disappointing Hey You know what a holy relic is I mean, I got a pretty good idea Take a guess It's like the jelapi that the disciples used to drive around in. It's like their version of the Dragula So even from context clues, from what I just said, you couldn't piece it together I might not have been listen. You think it's a funny car that coughs like a human being? All right, now this is the third posting at the Bands of Marriage for Brian Dunphy and Brida McDermott So this is your last chance to bring up any reason why these two should not be married. That's what the bands are for. We publish it once, twice, thrice. If you got a reason, you come and say so. We don't want anymore drama at the weddings Also, yelling Baba Boy is not grounds for dismissing a marriage. This is sensible. I like this because like it's never made sense to me at the wedding right before you know, they paid for the wedding at that point. That's right. You know And then just suddenly some guy can stand up and go like, oh no, you're not supposed to get married, and then everyone has to go home. That's right, no matter what he says. Yeah If anyone has just reason, a good they have to have an actual reason But if they feel it's a legitimate reason, what can you do So this way you get it in beforehand so everyone has like a good two weeks notice. That's right. You don't have to pay for All those goddamn flowers Hey, if you're getting married, forget about the flowers. Nobody cares It's the biggest expense. It's a racket. I'm telling you Not that I would know I've never been married Is that one of your regrets at all? Do you have any regrets? I don't have a lot of regrets, you know, I' really enjoyed my life in church and being celibrate has its pluses and minuses What are the pluses? The plus, the biggest plus is I have a vast untapped reserve of semen And I'll take it to me grave So if there's someone out there who's can't get pregnant or something and is looking. Oce you die, this is like a grave robbing Frankenstein situation. Well, I don't know how good it keeps in the ground I mean, otherwise we'd be doing that with famous people, you know what I mean? After they die, take up George Washington, Coneem. Oh, wow I fell into my trap. That's the devil's work. Cloning? Yeah, except for sheep. Sheep are fine. Yeah, we need more sheep They're delicious It'sounds like they' chickens. we got too many chickens. Yeah. Although we eat a lot of chickens. I don't know the can't keep up. They keep makingem. Is that the only reason to eat chicken is we're trying to otherwise they take over the earth Think about it. If we weren't consuming chickens on a regular basis, they'd cover the globe. That's a good point. Thank you Was that it for the announcements? A for announcements Great A you don't ask me questions. No How did you decide to get into this line of work? I mean, it's not for everybody. No, it's a call and you know. You're called to be a priest. It's a holy calling a vocation, we call it. Right. That means that you can't get it out of your head. Is that what happened to you? just one day you were like, Uh oh Spaghettio That's exactly what happened. But spaghettios were the church. We say, oh, sppaghetti, where I'm from Oh divided the crowd Some people wanted to like it, but they felt they shouldn't. I always felt that I should work in the church. I admired the priests in my parish that I grew up with, and also I just like wearing black That's cool, right? I mean, yeah, but you could have been a goth. I don't have time for all that makeup I'd like to be able to run right out the door L, do you have your priest outfit or costume or whatever you call it Like, is it my clothes Investments. Investments. There you go. Are they standing up so you can just like walk right intoem And just snaps around your body. Walk right into there All right, but walk me through the configuration of the clothes. Okay, stand up. Why do I have to stand up I want you to be the clothes. Why do I have to be the clothes Okay, now, spread your arms like this Here I am, I'm you. I can already tell you, you're not gonna to be explaining it this way D d time to get into my clothes Right, That's exactly what I thought was gonna happen. And it doesn't explain how' to close fre stand and how do they wrap around me 's through secret Da Vinci code technology or whatever the fuck. Hell. I damn. I Darn. It's fine. We curse all the time. Who you really? It's Ireland I end every mass with stcko off now. You got what you came here for. Back off So you were a young lad if you like. And you just said, I gott to do this. Yeah, I was always admired Jesus, you know. It's big a hero of mine. Yeah. It's a cool dude He was I mean now that you say it like that, he was pretty cool. He's a cool dude. Yeah. Changing water into wine. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that too But luckily we just buy it That's all over the place. Those loaves and the fishes. Bible times was a terrible time to live. Except you did have the chance to meet Jesus Wouldn't that have been noice We're like It's dusty and hot. There's not enough wine to go around I'm waiting forone to teach me how to fish so I can have dinner. But then youAJ says, Yeah I got a store to tell at dinner time I mean I met Topher Grace at Gelson's once. What was he like? Was he cool? He was really cool You know, I'm here in Saint Louis because I've going on a special trip for the parish where I'm traveling to every city in the United States that's named after a saint. Okay. Bringing back a snow globe. Are you going to the Santas as well? Santa Barbara? Absolutely. And here there's also a few, let me see, I got the stats here. There are fififty three proper saint names, including the Santas and the sands And then four named after holy things Like Los Angeles Angels, right. Hm. Sacramento, California. The Holy Sacraments. That's right Holy Cross, Arkansas. N Not sure about that one If you had to guess, what would you say Are you familiar with the story of Jesus at all Do you remember how it ends How it ends ends? I mean, he like? you do know. He goes flying up into heaven. You're playing the fool, but you do know. He goes flying up into heaven. it's not the end of Greece. Get a load at this. There's an Ave Maria, Florida That's founded in two thousand five by the founder of Domino's Pizza It feels like That was right around the time when they decided to come clean about their pizza being terrible That was an amazing time. Remember because people were like blowing their noses onto pizza and it became viral videos, and then Dominos came out and said, Oh, maybe the recipe is not as good as it could be I mean, they were serving those pizzas for decades. Decades. And then they were finally like, yeah, it sucks. Now when you tell that story to people, they will tell you they actually did make it better. Sure. But I want a refund for all the ones I bought before. Exactly. How much human mucus have I ingested Why did that guy found a town Yeah, two thousand five. And the thing about towns is you don't think that someone founds or, you know, like It's just there Yeah, or like one building goes up becausecause a guy's like, Ohh, I need shelter Then another guy comes around and goes, hh, this looks like a shady spot, Building number two Does the first fella make it the shady spot with the structure that he built? Yeah. So then does the second fella build a smaller house next to that guy Yeah And then another guy's like, oh, this place could use a restaurant and he opens up with two people living in it. ing He' got dollar signs in his eyes. These two single fellas, I'll build a restaurant here And just like that, there's a town just like that. But this guy decided to start one. Yeah, with pizza money. Is it pizza themed What are the most famous themed towns you could think of I mean, there's those Disney towns. True, but they're not real cities, are they? I don't know. are they're corporations or something. R? O incorporated Like, what if the town is circular? All right? A town. All the streets are like slices of pizza. So all the streets lead to one centrer point Yeah. Worked for Rome. And they invented pizzas. It's true, but Rome, I guess, you could say like what is the Colosseum would be like the little table that you get with the pizza. So you don't all smash into each other What's the purpose in that thing? The Colosseum Did you know, they used to flood it and have sea battles in a thing? They used to flood it? They used to flood the cololosiseseum. Sea battles? Yeah, they'd have ships in thereir. It's true, fighting what? likeike mermaids and fighting each other. Wow. What do you think's two ships ganging up on a fake mermaid This doesn't seem fair There she is, fellas. Let loose the cannons I'd go see it. Sure. Now, do you think it would be someone dressed up as a mermaid? Do you think it would be a proper manatee That's what the sailors used to think that mermaids Mermaids was manatees. Yeah You ever seen one? I've never seen one in person. Do they sing Jeremy, pivy Could you imagine if that fucking thing sang a song that sounded like a beautiful woman singing to you That ugly blob, all of a sudden a voice comes out of it. These sailors lose their minds. Let's steer this into the rocks. They're surrounded by men that look like the menes for the entire journey. they see in the water I was like, oh, look at that beautiful lady Well, is that all you came out here to talk about I suppose so How many more towns are you? Do youust one more? I gotta go to Saint Judas? Saint Judas. Where's that? In Florida. Florida. Yeah. So wait, you already went to the pizza town. Gotta go back I gotta go back. This is bad routing. It is bad routing. Well, you know, America's a big place. It's very hard to figure it out. Yeah. And so I also think it didn't help that we were going in alphabetical order. It should have been by distance. But ye yeah, I gotta go back to Staint Judas. I don't know if you're familiar with Stain Judas. No, I've never heard of it. He's the disciple that betrayed our Lord. I know who Judas is. Right. You didn't know he was a saint though Yeah, why is he a saint? Everybody plays their part. So he he was at the lookook It was decided he was gonna to do a thing. He did the thing. Make him a saint But like he committed one of the mortals like he hung him. Oh, he's in has for sure. No, not a great guy. But he did his part good for him and good for him. And we all do our part. Do we not? We all do. I mean, there is free will. H didn't have it, When did they start that free will? Yeah. Well, that goes back to Old Testament times. Really? That's right. But he did not have it. so it started with Eve. Eve had free will. you ate the apple? God said, please don't eat the apple. Whatever you do, I'll only ask you one thing. Oh, would you ever never eat the apple Why would he do something like that? It was a test? Why? So we could be where we are right now instead of happy All right, M sior firly, everyone This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, Squarespace It's your all in one platform for building a standout online presence Whether you're launching something new or leveling up your business, you can secure your domain, create a polished website, share what you have to offer and get paid all in one place. I hate going to a separate place to get paid. Now you can get paid right there at Squarespace. Squarespace makes it easy to book gigs, sell services and get paid with built in scheduling, invoicing, and email tools You can create a standout site fast using AI or designer templates, no experience needed. pllus built in SEO helps fans and clients find you while custom domains keep your brand polished and secure. 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That's it, there's no catch forty five dollars upfront payment required, equivalent to fifteen dollars a month, new customers on first three month plan only, speed slower above forty gigabytes on unlimited plan, addditional taxes fees and restrictions apply, see MintMobile for details. Mon senior Ferurnley. You know like saying my name C on, senior Oh who o o o o who Doid you get that kind of reception in your parish how? People are barely awake They're either hungo or they're an old lady Here's the thing, here's the way to solve it. Don't have church on Sundays Liken' it be? It's right after Saturday night, Everyone's like been having fun all night. L have it on Tuesday mornings or something. People have jobs, so they don't come I think that's gonna drive down attendance There may be some flaws in my logic. I don't know. You're very pleased with yourself. Giggling away. Hey Now Monignir, we have a guest coming to the show who's been on the show before. You've never been on the show before It's the first time. It's a pleasure meet, I mean, we met backstage at that thing. But we have someone who's been on the show before. She is an actress So you know what that means Go to hell. She originally had a job wiping down the machines at a gym. over in Los Angeles, please welcome Vicky from the gym Thank God Hi hear boy G Hello, St Lewis. Wow. Hi, I saw you give him a hug. I want one to. I didn't give a hug, I was reenacting his clothes. Okay, I'll be the clothes. Go ahead, give me a hug Go on here, you love touch. He loves touch. Hey, how you doing? How are you? Hello, young lady. Sry nice to meet you. What do you expect me to do? Are you from you from Ireland? Ireland, yeah. I almost started doing the eent Did you knowoy? I thought this is what you guys did for women over there. Give me? No, just a fope. He's the only one. Okay, well, Be. He started slapping people's hands away. He started slapping us away. Dn Mive, M. Very hard to understand you both Why is that? I mean, it's kind of a similar thing that you have going on, just like slightly different. I'm realizing how hard it's gonna be for me being here here each J. Yeah. I'll try to keep my conversation tr We'll see how it guyses here. Scott, it's been so long. Hi miss Joe. Hi, Bicky. Hi. For those of you who don't know Bicky, you started out working at twenty four hour fitness with? I used to work at twenty four hour fitness, I would wipe down All the machines ate the geam. I had a fucking beach of a boss. Her name is It wasn't nice. Her name is Shenen. She was a fucking nightmare. but then the pandem hit, right And all of a sudden I got discovered as an actor And I now have a new styed knime We lease all of him. But, thank you. Obviously I know you're plloting for me, the Ector, Lillily Sullivan. I know there's another one, a comedian. way less hot than me. wayay less talented, way older. what else? She doesn't have a wiki feet page like I do She She's from more humble beginnings. She's poor She's stupid She's like hitched to some loser who's dragging her down. Yeah I like you. It'sy I can still spell the word definitely. What else I. Bank account for money, she's got about two thousand in business. How's your credit? I cred it's unbelievable. Yeah. her stinks. two hundred thousand. two hundred thousand. That's almost too high. Is it? Can it be too high? I' your credit score? two hundred thousand. Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations. Through the roof I'm worried you're too in debt, even though it seems like you're making all the payments. No, I'm doing perfect. I'm doing fucking great. ye. actually I'm here even I'm working and this is a work trip for me. Oh really? You're shooting here in Sain.t Louis? Yeah, I'm doing a commercial shoot while I'm in town. I know, we love commercials. keep We love commercial sry. U Can they come on the T? We love 'em, don't we, folks We loveem, don't we, folks We loveem. We e soolutely love them. It's gonna be really hard for me to talk to you. I going be able to do it. Does it help if you don't look at me directly It doesn't seem to matter But I will say, I'm a bit religious, so I totally you know, I used to work at a crossfit gym before I woulded do twenty four hour And we would do this really fun thing we would nail everybody up Just, you know, just like Jesus. Let me tell you, eat your core. After being up there for like five or six hours. Unbelievable. Yeah. Unbelievably cool, cool. yeh. Imagine being up there for what was it two days? forty eight hours? How long was he up there? It was a while You got longonger than you'd like. You got a couple of jokers next to you making jokes the entire time, just cracking wise. Oh only the one fellow was making jokes. Yeah. The other guy was like, Hey, leave him alone You know what I was thinking man. We don't get to see a lot of teenage Jesus. Yeah, when they reboot it, you know, it's like Like we see a lot of like thirty year old Jesus and we see a lot of baby Jesus. Yeah. What about teenage Jesus? I bet he was hot. I bet It was so hot. It was so cool. C couldn't grow the beard yet, so he just kind of had like some cool stubble. It looked like you, yeah He If you'd really like to know, I can tell you why that is. Why? Why? They left that part out of the Bible Because he was such a fucking asshole. He was a teenager. He was a son of man, don't forget. And he was just rude all the time. 'causeuse like to his parents. Sarcasm isn't a sin, right It was beyond It's not great. It was beyond sarcasm. It was just rude. Moody, but that's not a sin So they always never said it was. What I'm saying is asshole ay. Be nice. Don't fight over me I'm saying there's a loophole where they talk about like, oh, he never sinned, he never sinned, but he was just a jerk That's what I'm telling you. But that's what I'm saying to you. I said it first. I said it last. I my God stop. Sorry, Lily, Sullivan, I'm sorry. It' just somethingomething gets in men like I Mont Sior and me. It's something about being around a really beautiful woman It makes me go crazy And yeah Good point Thank you. So you're shooting a commercial for what? Okay. So you know those commercials for AMC with Nicole Kidman? Sure. we come to this place Because what is it E. You Heartbreak feels good in a place like this. That part. Yes. She's incredible, but she's booked up. You know, she's doing so much work right now. You know, she was in that movie withZick Geifron. Sure. Where she spacking they get from? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's coming out. It's a real movie. I'm not making it up She's fucking Zach Eron? Yeah, can you imagine the highight difference I mean, she's like seven toe and he's about four one is he a little fellow? I didn't know that? Oh yeah, he's small, he's like Di Franco, he's tiny shot's fired These are the ficks, G ahead and Google them I know. I've seen them in Hollywood. Now it's easy to say when you're as tall as you are I'm tall. Makeaking fun of short people. Yeah, I'm tall. I'm five, see of them I'm normal height. I'm not some freakish height like five toe You certainly didn't need to jump up into your chair tonight So did you want me to be nice to you tonight? But so you're doing the AMC? did they need another Australian? needed another person. Well obviously I'm from Ohio. Oh right. But I studied abroad in Australia for a really long time, about a month. So yeah, they hired me. So I've been putting together I'm writing directang in starring in the commercials. Wow. Congratulations! in me my life, I'm like Lily from the ATNA. Who's that? Is she sort of an a two or with those IT compes? She rides them and dixs them. Why is everyone looking at me like I'm crazy, but I'm telling them I I'm say straight fixem here. She rides them, she dsem. She chs in them. She does. really Who are we talking about You haven't seen those ten. Who isn't a guy Whah Yeah Yeah Are Any. I haven't seen these, but yeah, I guess it's not AT commercial. vine. You keep saying AT andT instead of the thing that will make me realize who you're talking in the TTT commercials. Melana Weintraub.. Well her name is Lily. The character's name is Lily. Okay. Great. Now I know and she writes and directs these? Yeah. Wonderful. What? What about Jan from Toyota? Does she write direct thosees? She just builds the cars. Yeah. She builds the cars. She makes the cars. Really? Yeah. What about Flo? Flo is electrician Yeah, ye. You have to be multi talented to be a spokesman. Really? okay? It's not like podcasting, you know So tell us about the commercials. You're writing them, you're directing them. What's the new spin on them? It's the ins same spin. I mean, basically I'm just trying to make I have here, I can share some with you. If you don't mind If you don't mind isn't the thing the kind of thing that usually elicits woos. You know? You don't see like a band coming out going, if you don't mind If you don't mind Okay, so imagine I'm wearing a pen loat What what You're wearing a pencil? Oh I'm wearing a pin soat. You're having a pea, sweet. You're wearing a pin soat. Oh I'm wearing a pin soat O on big, huge, nice pair of heels hair in a low bnd my entire face fully fused with Botox And I say Weome to these spies T live Traw. popcorn with a mouse. You look up at the silver screen Sighty friend Who is the guy Why did they see him AMC theaters Let's watch movies again Wow What are you going say? I'm thinking I'm channeling Nicole, but I'm eating like so much more personality Like I like how strangled your voice is Oh ye I didn't even notice say it, really? It's if somebody's got their hands around your throat. And you're like, hey, very quickly, let me record this voice overver. That's an old acting trick for women. You pretend like your husband's strangling you It's how you do drama Why are you shooting them here in Saint Louis Because of the arch That arch We gotta have it. Imagine. Yeah. You see the arch, right And then I come out of the arch Which part big part. And I'm in the pentite I heard it that time. I got it too. I legitimately couldn't figure out the first part. And I'm wearing my beach. Heels even taller. And my bum has moved up my head. And I turn to the camera and I say to this place That indescribable feeling When the lights dim D' willing image a top magic scry Plase be your friend and sry did I miss when I was in the bath row The gu die. Wh not a he I am sred Let's watch movies again Thank you Wow Wow. You had to clear your throat after that. Yeah, I think I got COVID big stage.. Well, good luck. Can you imagine a screen underneath that arch? That would be like the IMax. It would be like that big dome thing in the Las Vegas. Yeah. Whatever that thing's called, it would be like that but better. Yeah. I went to it, I don't remember what it's called. That spherical thing. What could it be called It's a mystery what its name is. It's like a circle, but it's not. Yes You know, it's not a you know, people say it's not an actual sphere, but it actually is ' it's underneath the ground. That's right. The other half is Just like the Staint Louis Arch. Yep It's a circle There's treasure down there. Yeah I heard that It's down there with Ninja Turtles, isn't it That's a seer. You're thinking of pizza I'm thinking of pizza. I honestly I wish I'd eaten before to. Pizza sounds really good right now. Can we order a pizza from here? canan you call? I wonder if we could. Is this place serve pizza? No. Oh, very firm no. That's a hard no. We're not the first to ask, apparently I stick of hair in it. I like to think every other person who walks in here is This my serve pizza I bet if we order the pizza now, you'll get hit by the end of the show You think theyd deliver it on stage? I h so. So you got the pizza tracker app? That's dominoes,, right? Dominoes, Yeah. One thing they did, they're like, lookook, our pizza sucks, but check this out. You'll note there's no step where somebody blows their nose on the pizza All right, Becky from the gym, everyone. Becky from the gym. B you! Hurters has your family covered for every summer first, first steps, first swim lesson, or first sleepover. Our clothes help kids and parents have their best summer ever. thanks to comfy design and easy dressing details. 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That's why Cooope Sleep Goods is celebrating the fourourth of July sale with up to forty percent off site wide And if you spend one hundred and fifty dollars or more, you get a free gift with purchase while supplies last. Coop's adjustable pillows are designed for personalized comfort, featuring cooling technology that helps keep you cool and comfortable throughout the night. So before you spend another night searching for the cool side of the pillow, give your bed the summer upgrade it deserves. Shop Coop's fourourth of July sale sleepgoods. com slash comedy. That's C o O sleepgoods. com slash comedy. U to forty percent offsite wide, and a free gift on orders one hundred fifty dollars or more while supplies last We have a very special guest coming to the stage now. and pardon me for looking at my notes, but I'm not familiar with this guest. But when I booked the show here in St. Louis, I was contacted by the Stt Louis Chamber of Commerce who said you have to have this guest on the show loocal favorites People know who this is. People are gonna be very excited to see this guest. So please, everyone, welcome, give a St Louis welcome. to Morris the Missouri Mule Morris the Missouria mule, everyone. Oh Let's got it Ohait, do you speak English? Yeah Why are you so out of breath? you ran r approximately five paces. Running around, rununning around carrying stuff You you never talked to a mule before, Scott I've talked at a mule, I guess. I've never had a conversation with one. There's four things you need to know about me, Scott Is there really? Yeah The first is I'm very hurt 'causeuse you come to Missouri and you don't call ahead, we couldn' have hung out. I could have shown you all the fun stuff. The mule is the Missouri state animal. I don't know if you know that. I had no idea. I'm a Missoua state animal. So the one particular mule is, don't do that. Don't do that The mule is a Missouri state animal and I'm kind of a big deal ' I'm sort of like the king of the mules here in Missouri. Why do you call yourself that or is that something that was a point We don't have time That's not one of the four things, Scott. I could tell you why I'm the king of the Missouri state. We could expand the list to five. we definitely do have time. It would be the end of your show. It might be what your show is from now on. go down that road No more guests, just a continuing saga ' St stick to the four, Scott, trust me. All right, I'll stick to the four. So what is the first one? Well, the first is I'm very hurt. You're very hurt. 'Cause you could have come by. We could have gone up to Hannibal Moow A comedy guy, right? What award did I give out at the Kennedy Center for comedy? The Mark Twain Award. We could have gone up there, H of Mark Twain, checked out the comedy stuff If you want your show to win one of those comedy awards at the K Center, you gott toa go there. Everyone who wins that award has gone there and hung with me. Made the pilgrimage? Yeah Do the comedy stuff. Even local. I bet you didn't even walk around Washington University campus today. birthplace of the college education of mister Egon Spgler. It's the dirt farm rom Ghostbusters Was a Link father? Was he a Calie Spengler? Sure sure. Inspirational grandfather.' a Phoebe Spengler. I don't find those movies to be canon You really don't want that award, do you He wasn't a dirt farmer in the first two, so I don't consider him to be. Okay, so I guess Luke Skywalker is always just a farm boy. A moisture farmer, you mean Scott, I don't know Is that the second thing I'm supposed to know about? N, Nope, you're straying from the four. We haven't gotten past one yet. Yeah. Number two I'm stubborn I mean, most mules are said to be stubborn. That's offensive I can't believe that. You might wantanna edit that out of your st I'm stubborn. Most mulals are cooperative, work hard, help win World War one and two Now I'm intrigued to show some respect. What are the mules do in world? Cry ammunition around you want our fighting boys to carry the ammunition around or would you rather a bunch of mules than it? I think I know the answer. Were they Nazi mules too, then If there were, they weren't good enough to win World War two I'll stand on Adolf Hitler's grave and say that Were he buried again? I don't know, Scott, I'm not a Nazi. Number three, number three. I love it when you show me stuff What do you like anything? Anything, Yeah. I love it. I love it. Check that out. Wha! . Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. An American riddle finally salted last What does that mean to show me state? It's all right there. You didn't need any further information Hine in plainsight He gets it So I'm sorry I didn't bring more stuff. You don't have anything? I literally have a phone in my pocket. You want me to takeck that out or? Wow! M. Thanks, Scart You're all right. That's the one thing you have to know about me. What? I'm all right Number four, my mother was a horse. My father was a donkey. I can't have children I'm so sorry. haveave you thought about adoption? No. You try going into an adoption agency as a mule and see how far you get. the whole system is stacked against me. Im supposed to clip clop, clip clop And show me where the adoption agency is, father Is that just 'cause you want to be shown more stuff? Yeah I mean, could you adopt another view Could I adopt a what? Another mule. Yeah But you'd rather have a human baby. Wh I mean, I just it's a child. just want you just want something to love to raise. Well, you would want you would have a human biy I can't. My mother was a horse. My father was a donkey Is Missouorri the only state who has their state animal, a sterile creature. Yeah. as far as I know. Did you know Scott? I don't. I think Nick Cannon is someone's But he no, he's not sterile. Yeah, he's the opposite. All right. All right? Yeah, you're all right. I'm all right. Oh, okay. That's the one thing I know about you So we've now run through the four things Yeah that I have to know about you. Yeah. Okay U I appreciate you being on the show. I was born Prince of the Donkeys. how do you become prince of the donkeys? If your mother is a horse, your My father was King of the donkeys, and I was his bastard son But they would never accept my rule. So I became King of the mules. It's a shorter story than I thought, Scott I think I told it before where I stretched it. And I've told it enough times and I maybe have got it down tight. What part were you stretching, the having sex with your mother? Yeah They love each other. They love each other, really? They loved each other toense, Scott. Are they not with us any longer? No, they've perished. What's the lifespan of a horse and a donkey? Not long enough, Scott What's your lifespan? I don't know what time is it? Let's take a look he's eight fifty If you don't mind It always works in my experience So what's your day to day like out here? Walk on Washington U campus, Check out Hey, that's the building that inspired the Frat from Animal House It inspired them in the movie, Animal House. They get inspired. Stop thinking cannon should call you nick Cannon, the number of times you bring up Cannon know when Harold Reayus, the dirt farmer himself, when he attended here, it was one of these fraternities that inspired National Lampoon's Animal House. What kind of bang bang is this It's a gang bang actually BeCause every time I bring up cool comedy stuff, you start looking real depressed. L you don't want to talk about it You start slumping over. Iteems to be all Harold Reay' bace Hate the room, Sot Dirt farmer went to college here. Any other comedians from Sain. Louis? Sure, name 'em so many, it's indistinguishable Sky Rich history, if you just shown up a few days earlier, we could have enjoyed it. A fewew days, we're on a schedule here. All right You got your priorities. Yeah. It's gotta be economic. We can't just spend three days here doing one show. Well, you could go up to Hannibal Mobile, you could help me with the project I'm working on. What are you working on?t this fence I've been painting. It's real fun You could help if you want. I don't know I' let you I kind of wanna paint this fence Is that a laugh That's the sound a mule makes If you think we go He haul, we don't. If you think we go Nay, we don't. That's not our signature sound. Our signature sound is this Maris, can I ask you a question? Yeah, of course, father. What are your responsibilities as king of the mules? Like Do the other mules recognize you as their king? Most of them do, but yeah Most of them do. There was an uprising I had to put it down Yeah What An uprising of the mules. Yeah a couple jokers got in their head that maybe I wasn't maybe I shouldn't be King of the Mules How many mules are there? Why hundredundreds In Missouri, hundreds hundredundreds and hundreds, maybe in thousands. Maybe in the thousands. Probably hundreds One hundred, hundreds, hundreds, hundreds, two hundred, at least. I wouldn't say two hundred tim. let me Okaykay, here's the sixth thing about me. I don't say hundreds if I mean one hundred and forty three I don't say hundreds until it's over two. Then I say hundreds. two hundred and one is where I start. Even two hundred, I'd be hesitant to say hundreds. But you're comfortable two hundred twenty. That's only one more. just hundreds. So you have that one extra just a little grace? two hundred forty three? Hundreds Would you say two hundred and forty three is one hundred? You wasush it there. Oh he's painted you into a corner I have. I think hundreds has to start at three hundred. I think so too. three hundred. I think saying a few hundred starts at three hundred. Exactly. You don't think plural starts at two. Plural can start at two like legs. You're a married man, aren't you? I am, but watch yourself counselor I just think that plural starts at too. I don't think you need a third I agree with that. And Scot's picking up some rod beef Alough isn't your whole thing, frees? The Holy Trinity, the rest of those threes, the Holy Trinity, that's where it stops. That's the three you're good with. Down here, two, two max. Three's up there, twow' down here, Scott. Unless you're talking about children, then it's Nick Cannon all the way So you don't have children, That's a terrible. Did you want them? Yes. Yes, more than anything. Really? Yes. Why? Just So I can tell all my friends. Guess what I've got. You know, the joys of pareish. And I guess to have an heir to my kingdom, what will happen? what will happen to my kingdom when I perish? Yeah. Possibly minutes from now. Hopefully not before the pizza gets here. What kind of pizza are you getting? Domino's You're in Staint Louis. know they have a special kind of pizza here, right? What's the special kind of Staint Louis pizza? What's that cheese? Emo's. Emo's. Em's You know, as in Emo Phillips, you don't know comedy? Is he from here? No No. No, but emmo's pizzas from here. I w that special cheese Yeah, Provll I'm gonna make a bold suggestion. We actually do order this pizza. Yes. shouldhould we cook? Should we callem? Is there someone back there who can order this pizza? We gotta getle pizza here. I'm gonna check on postmates from here Let's order one for us and one for the crowd This EMI I am You always have it It really sounds like we took a vote on something Watch, watch, watch what happens. EMO. EMO I do it all night, Sot, if you want I heard that about Saint Louis I've got a bread backstage who's teicking me. He says he can order it Bread can? Bread? The tech guy bread. Bread? Yeah. Why do we ever order it? What do we want on it? Well, I like chese Hm. It's so new and fan. I got a friend who has a standard order with pizza. It's a round pie, tomato sauce May che cheese cheese. Maybe some pepperoni. Yeah. That sounds pretty good. What kind of sized pizza is there? It's thin. I assume as you eat a large. We go large for the audience and large for the side. Sounds about right. Okay, Brad, did you hear that? Large for the audience, large for the stage. Large for the audience. large. forty to fifty minutes. Sorry, we gotta stretch. We can go another forty minutes. The race is on. We cannot go another fifty So we're really hoping bigig finish. I'll tell you what The minute the pizza is delivered, the show's over. J just like that. That's how we know No matter what's happening, but we will show the pizza. We show we'll show that we'll do a dramatic reveal, show the pizza. Everyone starts applaud and showope is over Please show the pizza, everyveryone say I Well hold on to it I wanted to be good We wanted it to be good. defefinitely. We wanted it to be good. Yeah. want to. Yeah, we want to hear those mouth sounds though, when people eat it. Yeah. It's nice People lo that on podcasts. I do. Yeah. Can you imagine one big juicy pizza for this audience? One big juicy pizza? They're gonna love it. They will. They will. Are you having fun, Scot? I'm having a lot of fun. Yeah. It's great to meet you. I' great to meet you, Scott. Sorry I didn't come early to chill, but we're on Ne time you come to Missouri You promise. We'll ride the river. Is that a euphemism No It's not No, we'll get in a little boat and we'll ride in the Missouri River. Still sounds like a euphemism. Are you talking about cocaine right now or what are we? We're gonna get on a boat and we're gonna ride in the Missouri River We're gonna fuckking we're gonna do cocaine I can't get you pregnant, Scott. Wait, Sot Have you ever fucked a mule before? Be honest Not that I can recall. You see the movie the Mule? in Eastwood. did you go to that where you dis disappointed me every day until they stop showing at the theater? F. It's like this mule's cool What about Gusta Mule who could kick a field goal? Yeah. Yeah. It's a silly movie, but I like it ick buttkisses in that. Yeah? Yeah. D you notice about his name? He's got Did you notice? Yeah. I don't know if you noticice. What? I don't notice. What is it? First name, say it out loud. Dick, okay? And what's that a word for It's a penis. All right, maybe. Now go on to the second name. Butt kiss. Just go syllable at a time But All right, now that's okay, on the other hand, sort of a butt, either a fan or that sort of thing, but also your bottom Sure right, sure. Y last part. kiss, R. When you come back here, we're gonna ride a little boat on the Missouri River. All right, Scott Sir I think he's lying. I think he has fucked a mule before Right?. He has that look. He does that twinkle Is little secret in your eye. Is that your little secret? It Is that your little secret? You fucked on you You can be honest, it changes nothing for me. The pizza will still come? Yeah Yeah, I think so. Of course I haven't fucked a mule. Ah? That sounds like the kind of thing that is only said by a gentleman who has indeed fucked a mule The of course is the to. Yeah Yet dirty mule fucker. Yeah It's like the end of Black Mirr when he used to fuck the pig. You you like that show? You watch Netflix Easy, Morris. Easy. It's veryy aggressive, right Bridgerton, what do you watch I'm not really a Chandeand guy. You don't like Chand Dand? You scared of that little roller coaster at the end when the production Ehing comes up. It's not real. it's just a drawing And you wouldn't have to wride it anyway. C on I'm scared I'm gonna like it and then they'll make me write it. I mean, what if you liked it Is I would just said to an immunle When you come back, when we're done rid in the river, I'm gonna take you to Sandaand And I know it sounds like I'm describing a shameful place. A shanda, you know But I mean in Sandelland, it'sice. There's a roll coaster. It sounds like a really nice date. Like you'd really treat Scott nice before you fuck him. Yeah Wait wait D Scott, do you think you would fuck him or he would fuck you I would show you something. Wha Mind Hunter, you watch that? Is that your jam? What's that? Mind Hunter? Mind Hunter. tryrying to figure out yourick. F five years ago? I don't know. It's not by Chonda. Maybe you like it The Fincher Yeah, the Fincher. Serious about the creation of the special crimes? Yeah, starring Tony Winner, Jonathan Groff The Cw cut guy sure, was also in it. Yeah, the crew cut guy is. You like that? That's his name Gus He seems like a Gus as well Like What What are you watching on Netflix guy? I you know, maybe too hot to handle or. Yeah, you like too hot to handle selling suunset. He's a reality guy But? You like reality? Did you watch the circle? I've seen the circle, yes. Oh, she hit an alert. I like how excited they get when the alerts come in Are we just stalling for the pizza right now? What is happening I just wanna make sure you're having a good time and I wanna know what you like. Why do you wanna know what I like? Because you're being cagey about it, you know? I'm not being cagey. You're really hitting it off and then you start kind of pulling away and I'm not sure why. My opinions on Netflix shows has barely anything to do with my life. Okay. All right. A you're a prime guy? What are you What's your stream?? What's your stream? You a Bit box? No, you're not a Bit box. What are you? He's profiling you like a mind hunter. You a peacock? You a peacock boy? What are you?ac boy? Yeah. It's very emasculating. Are you max man? You like the max. Take it to the max What do you like to stream? If he was watching he was watching Traders, I overheard earlier. That's a peacock, so he's a peacock boy. You're watching Traders. Traders. Triders Are watching Triders? I've seen T traders, yes. Triders. Trid us. Trid us. No matter who you say it to, Triders Trid us. Traders, watching Trid us Are you watching Triders? Are you watching Triders Taders? I have seen Traders, yes. Which one? Triders UK? You watch Triders UK?en I've seen the US version, even though it's shot in Scotland. Okay called it Triters. Peacock boy I it. I've seen a show on Pacock, Maybe Dal or No Deal Island as well. He's a reality boy Aren't you? They take the exciting game of Dealer No Deal and put it on an island I remember watching Deal or No Deal and thinking, I wish this was surrounded by water Imagine if it was surrounded by the arch Deal or No Deal Saint Louis edition. You didn't go on the arch today, did you? We didn't go to the arch. No, We didn't even see it. Go up, let's go after this show. Let's go up in the arch. Go up in the arch. Yeah go up in the arch. Get up in there. All the way up in there? Yeah Go all the way top. All the way to the chippy top? Yeah. Is it open? You can pull some strings, Scott. I can? Yeah. you're the king of the mules. I'm not allowed in at night unless someone else gets me in What happened in the arch? The last time I went there I said, don't come back I said, never, they said, maybe you bring a friend What did you do in the arch? What didn't I do in the arch, father What didn't I do? Did you sin? I did sin I did sin. Do youve in I like to confess? I believe in I believe in the concept of sin, yes. Do you believe in God and? I believe in want a holy Catholic and Apostolic church But you believe in like a mule with a big white beard up in the clouds? Yes, I do Do you reject Satan and all his works? Yes, and all his empty promises? Yes, I do. I hate those empty promises. Promises, promises hate. Would you like to confess your sins, what you did in the arch? Yeah shoot and father, I made a mess I don't want to go into details in front of Scott. I'm worried that our boat trip is g in the battle I'm worried he is a soft yes or maybe a hard maybe How do we get around this? Do you want to go into some sort of a what do they call it a booth or To for a booth? Is that what we say? To for a booth. Confessional. Confession booth. Confession booth. Yeah, come over here. Yeah. All right. go over there. I won't listen. Wait, where are we going back here? What are we doing? I'm just gonna go in here to the confession. I don't go back here with I go back here with you? Yeah. All right. All right, Is it a red light district? I, this feels dirtier than what I was gonna confess. It always does All right, how long has it been since your last confession? Weeks. stop out. I've heard worse. Really? What's the worst you heard? Years. Ye. People come in there. First of all, these feckers are com in for just Christmas and Easter. Oh yeah, feckem, my blood boil. Fckem. They don't say that in here. Yeah All right, so tell me your sins and know that God the Father will absolve you of your sins. You promise? He It's his idea. He promiseed. That's what he says. All right I guess we'll all find out in the end If he was joking around or not? I While I was watching the most recent of the Ghostbusters movies The Frozen Empire, did you see it? Haven't seen it yet. You haven't seen it? No They go back to New York, right But gu guess who's the mayor of New York now You will never guess unless you saw the preview. Did you see the preview? I haven't seen the preview. You will never guess who's the mayayor of New York now. Did you watch the original Ghostbusters movie, The prequel? The very first one. Yeah you thought it's a prequel. Yeah I have seen it just's been a while. All right, weeks Do remember So they set up their office in downtown Manhattan in an old fire c and they have a containment unit. It is not licensed. That's right. They do not have the appropriate permits. That's right which causeed problems with them with the villain of the piece, the EPA. So okay, you're going where I'm heading. Father? Of course I am. Guess who the mayor of New York is? No, it's not that guy. Former head of the EPA, Walter Pck. Dicklas Oh that's right, that's what Sankman, the dirt farmer's best friend. That's right. calledall him. Yeah. He calls him that in frozen Empire too. I should. I laugh my head off It's a years long callback. Yeah, deceades in the making to make this mule laugh Anyway, meet a bunch of donkeys fucked all night in the arch What did ghostbusters figure in? You know, I can't remember, o. But was that it? Oh this happened right after we saw Frozen Empire. Oh, I see. Yeah. So you had a donkey horse. A bunch of donkeys, Donkey daddies, I call them. We went saw Frozen Empire, We basically sold out the theater That's fun. yeah There were some people in there who weren't me or donkey But they were laughing as loud as we were They were all he haw, he haw, and I was all Anyway, how many prayers do I have to do, Father? I'd say since you're not fully hum What I mean, I'm not fully what Oh I feel like I've misread this situation. I'm not fully what, father? Say what you were gonna say All right, now I don't want you to get mad I was under the impression and correct me if I'm wrong, I taught your word fully human. I'm not at all human. Okay. Then I feel better. I mean, maybe way back I feel. Maybe if you go way back, I don't know, I haven't traced. There might have been a human in there somewhere. Why are you looking at me right now? I'm not supposed to be listening This is a sacred space. he can do as he pleases Theres no's no there's says you pick from the confessional. Well, I think the Lord is here Or Satan one of the two. All right, Say three Hll Mies and I like Beeljice style Let you show up Hasn't happen yet? Hea Mary, he,ary, he,ary, that those was easy father. I love this. Thank you ight, There you go.. Thank you. off course. you walked. Literally Four yards Yeah, but I was carrying the weight of the Lord's mercy Moris the Missouri mule, everyone. But we have a wonderful guest coming out here to the stage. We were talking about commercial pitch people Well, we have a commercial pitch woman here with us. Right now, please welcome the Pine saw lady. Ladies and gentlemen, the Pineesw lady God Oh, my gosh. What is all this nonsense that's been going on This has been nonsensical It's a little hard to under Yeahah, there's a priest, there's a former Australian Youmer Australian. H you g up your citizenship? I'm from Ohio. Oh What part Cleveland, disgusting Disgusting Wow. Hello, Saint Louis. The Pineesw lady Now you are the commercial pitch womoman for Pine salt. That's right That's right, Scott Now what happens in your commercials? A you anything like this woman I've been hearing about whom? She directs her Another woman. She directs her own what's her name? Lily from A andT. A yeah, she directs our own commercials. Right. Lily from AT and T. Are you I don't trust myself behind the camera, honestly Why is that? I would make it a porn I would make it into the dirtiest thing you've ever seen in your life. It would be a disgusting filthy porn. And then I would clean it all up. One capful of pine sal Do you know how much do you know how much that makes, Scott? How much cleaner that makes? How much How much does it make? Fourteen buckets, Scott fourteen buckets. You clean up this whole city. You could clean up this whole filthy city. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Everyone here' gross Just one capful. O cap full. Well maybe for this city two cap fulls So one for each seven buckets. Yes. No twenty eight buckets. twenty eight buckets. Now that'll clean up the entire. Do you have twenty eight buck Do you travel bucket bucketless? I am bucketless currently. I can't believe that. He travels bucketless. Can you believe that? I don't believe it. Now, who are you I'm a local. local. And you're right, This city gets pretty messy. I told you. Pine sw lady. My name's Morris.. I'm a Missouri mule. A a mule. Yeah. Do you know the power of Pine sw You should tell your mule friends? I will. I'll tell all of them. One cap full. One cap full. fourteen buckets. fourteen. I'll tell all my friends. I believe the father had a question. Yes, No, I was gonna introduce Moris but it's taken care of. Oh, good, Okaykay Thanks for coming back to meo And this is Lily Sullivan, formerly Bicky from the gym. It' so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too, Lily Sullivan. It sounds pretty religious how much you love Pineal. honest. Pine Sal is my God I've preached the gospel since nineteen ninety two And I won't stop now. Especially for you filthy say Lutcians You Saint lunatics. What makes this such a filthy city to you? Have you seen it, Scott? Have you walked around or did you just immediately check into the hotel? and go to sleep Because I hit the pavement. When I come to a city, I hit the pavement. I get out, I walk around, I say hello to everyone. I kiss every single child in the city, right on the mouth And I let them know the power of pine sil Have you seen the arch? I saw it once, yeah. I shouldould go after the show I mean, Morris wants to. Morris. If you're going, then I can go. I'm going right down there. and I'm gonna scale the side of it Scrubbing. it needs to be scrubbed clean There's all this writing, people write on it. Why would you write on a monument, a historic monument? Why would you write on it? Who you think you are? You piece of shit. You know, I don't think that's the locals. That's people coming in from out of town. The locals. Yeah. Yes. the people coming in from out of town. Anybody here from out of town Fuck you Do you know how much pine salt is gonna to take to clean your stupid ass name off the side of this gateway arch, the gateway to the west? everythingthing post that street is the west I can't believe you How much pine sw would it take to clean that At least two and a half cap fulls At least no less. thirty five buckets. thirty seven buckets. Two and a half cap fulls, God. Do your math. Maorris, Maris, have you ever seen a cap full of pine soil? No, pine soil, lady, would you show? Absolutely. I pr someount, I've been sitting on it W That's the power of Pinees so I can do one full push upp now. Show me. Show me. Yeah, show up. You wanna see the push up? Yeah, let's see this push upp. Wow You heard here first folks? Scott wants women to do push upps Two, three Six, seven, eight ad. thirty, thirteen, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, nineteen, twenty Now how many capfoles was that? W So m. how many push upps can you do when you have two citfalls? Oh It seems like you should be able to do double one. like forty. forty push upps with two caps. Yeah. you have plenty a pine saw right there. Yeah, go ahead and time. Don't have enough show. Don't have enough show. We're just waiting for a pizza at this point. Oh shit. Which pizza? Don't say emos Do not say it. What's your issue with EBos? That's not this show I won't talk about it I do like the fried raviolis. Wait is it too late to get an order of those as well? Yeah breread I had no idea. Yes. I didn't know that was a possibility. I know, nobody told us about the fried railiol's Bread. Did you get us iny? I'm waiting for his text. I'll let you guys know. Oh I feel like I just saw somebody backstage shake their head You missed out? Get ready for some very salty pizza. Salt tastes good, though. Yes, salt does taste. We put it on a lot of food and we like it. Yes. That's true. You know how much salt're supposed to have a day How much? I half a capfulull How much do you think you're eating, Scott? I have no idea, but a lot, I bet. You eat a lot of Scott. You eat lot of eat a lot of Scott. Yeah. Salt Aerman Scott, I must leave. You made me wait You're so long. No, please stay. Please. to Keskca. Pinesall lady, no, we wan to talk to you. Okay. I love everything about you. I love the smell of pineesil. It smells like those trees out there in the forest, right Yeah. It smells like pine trees. Yeah. Ever heard of them?? I have I love 'em. They smell so good. They're not Christmas trees. No, Wh knows what a Christmas tree is? It's a Douglas fur. Scott Don't ever, don't mix it up I don't sell firstur all. What's the Sl part of Pine Sl. So. Is it like betterter callall Sl? Y, It's Better callall Sul It's for legal purposes Pinesaw lady, forgive me if this has been asked of you before, but does anybody call you anything other than pinsaw lady No. Do you have a name that you think of yourself as? I sold it away in nineteen ninety two. You sold your name, sold it away. To whom? Saul insall Company S. Johnson and Wax A family company That was part of the deal to get the commercials, you had to sell your name to them. I'm all pinw now When I go to bars, I order pine salt cocktails What I didn't say anything thought about this. You seem creeped out about this. Not at all, Not at all. You haven't even come close to my limit. I would assume not. I find you endearing. A, thank you. You ever been up the river? upp the river without a paddle? Yes, absolutely. That's why we called you when I went to prison. I was sailed up the river. When did you go to prison? Is this pre pinew years? Post pinew. Post Pinew. Yes. PPS. PPS. That's how I sign my letters. PS. And then I say the next thing, they go PPS, post pineesw. the river without a paddle What did you do? kill someone Wh Who did you kill? It was defense So that look the one he's painting, it was defence A fence like he is painting yes. It was an electrical fence I had surrounding my home. and someone tried to get in, so I picked them up and I dragged them to the fence and held their face against this I'm very strong, I just showed you. How long did you serve in prison? Six months. Can you believe it? I cleaned the whole place and they let me go You said you held their face against the fence. Yes. That was what ultimately they couldn't breathe because their face was so tightly pressed against the fence. No they were electrocuted. Oh. r Are you not building an electric fence? No, no, my fence is just a regular fence that's really fun to work on. H Mine was too. Yeah. especially installing all of the electricity. That sounds fun. And so this postal worker comes up and says he's got mail for me I don't like guests, I don't too kindly too So I've grabbed him by his collar, a federal shirt picked him up, walked him over. His legs were swinging like this Pela No, that was me I was laughing You're playing two characters. Yes, Wow How do you think I got the Piesw commercials? I studied acting before. You studied acting? Yes. Would you like to hear a monologue? I would, yes. Pick a movie. I've seen them all. Any movie? Anything. The Wizard of Oz. All right. here's a monologue from a character. Do you do Do you need a spotlight? I don't know whether we have those capabilities.. We have red lights in the back I'll go over there and do it, okay It's a monologue from that film From the Wizard of Oz, nineteen thirty nine, MGM Dorothy Keep it in mind that any lie from any film can be a monologue. I didn't hear any other character talking. so it certainly was a monologue. Exactly. Wow. And that was Auntie M. That was Auntie M. Yeah Yeahep. amazing id Did you work much? Excuse me? Did you work much before you as an actor What were you in? Let's see. What year were you born, Scott I think it's nineteen eighteen. nineteen eighteen eighteen. I was in a film called Birth of the Nation. Birth of theation Birth of a nation Would you play that if you don't mind me asking Let's just say I rode a horse I hope it wasn't my dad That is the power of Pine sl. I love that nineteen eighties, guysy, you look great. You look great. Thank you so much, M. You' one hundred six years old, seven, seven years six. Hly know how many how many buckets is that how many capoles? That's the only math I can do. Scott, I have questions for you. Sure. you gotta turn the tape and go home You wantan to go home? Why? Scott, I don't want this this pizza and you keep talking. You don't want pizza? No Why not? supppposedly it's great. I want something else Staint Louis is famous for. Come on, we all know what I'm talking about. White Castle. Staint Louis is famous for White Castle. That's the only place I'm eaten it Can we throw White Castle on top of this pizza? Yeah not literally pleased. I'm texting Bad. You never texted me back about the raviolis. Oh man. But guess what? When he told me he was ordering it, it was at eight hundred fifty eight. and now it's nine hundred thirty one. Is it be coming soon? So we're at forty minutes right now. Wow S, and if we're gonna to end the show, the minute the pizza comes out, we better get to our last guest, shouldn't we? I think so. Well, before we do that, let's have a big round of applause for the Pine soul lady, everyone Thank you. And I have a giveaway for the audience. You have a giveaway? Yes. I brought one capful of pinezal for everyone here tonight. Check under your. Check under your chairs. Look at them all drinking it All right, well let's get to our final guest of the evening. We first heard him on I believe the fifteenth anniversary episode. Please welcome the bronze Boogie Boarder Oh Wow! I canan't believe what I'm seeing The pizza's here. Is Is he from outer space Hello. Rron's Boogie Barder. That's right. veryy popular character that everybody's familiar with Yeah, yeah, yeah, Is that the actual pizza? That is the actual pizza, yes M. Now I said we were gonna end the show the minute it came out here I mean, I don't think I can top what I just did so It's al right with me Where do you want me to sit, Sy? What's that by bullet? Shouldn't the Bonze bomber sit here? No, no, he should sit right there Or at least the pizza should be there and he can stand next to it. Those are larges Look, I work for emOos now Previously, I was an assistant to a galactic entity that devoured planets But I quit that job and now I work for emos Sott, Yes. Did you notice that he fell and all the pizzas stumbled away and none of that cheese is moved in it It's so thin. Oh wow, veryy thin. So there's two deluxes and one cheese All right, so I guess the deluxe goes out to the audience, Is that right? Yeah, I think so All right, everyone just take one bite What's do? Wh right there Demos You gott to share with everyone Did anyone bring a pizza cutter to cut it into even like the tiniest triangles you can imagine? It's Eos, you can use a hammer What's on the deluxe? Is it a bunch of fucking olives There's a shit ton of stuff on this, I am If you're in a couple, only take one bite between the two of you But do it, lady in the tramp style. Yeah baby birt it into your wife's mouth I was gonna get into my backstory, but I don't think anybody's gonna care Now that there's pizza in view, how you guys doing? Doing good, Bronze abili Boarder are so wonderful to have you here. Oh, thanks so much. Thankks so much. Yeah, I'm a galactic entity. Yeah. As you can see from my entrance I travel through space effortlessly my boogie board With unerring athletic prowess It's easier in space. onnce you're on ground, it's kind of tough. Where are you holding that pizza like that It's like you're going gonna give it to them. Now put it down here. When do we get to eat? We gave them their pizza. I I'm talking about Okay, yes, here's you guys got a cheese, right? No, we got both of these Okay Delivered Froni Border, I do w want to talk to you. have You don't have to, you don't have. No, we w to you traveled all this way? Well, yeah,. We We're all passing a pizza and examining it like we've never seen one before. Whoa I have to request you we take the pizza off stage because it's legitimately driving me mad Sure, should I? Yeah. That's all I can think about M also thank you, Morris. Thank you Morris Let's spend a good five minutes with you. All right, ye. Let's give a solid five , I come from a long way away sort of like historically, becausecause I was born on a planet far, far away. Just now I came from a four minute drive for EMos's So that wasn't so much, but yeah, in my life, yeah, my old job, I was I was I'm an alien. I'm not a human. And you're sort of the guy who tells I tell my former boss, Grax, is a planet devouring entity Of indeterminate gender and species. Why is the gender part of it Why is that important? I'm just people picture usually a big humanoid alien and I'm telling you this entity is beyond all that Okay, but I don't care about The gender ofnown of unknown gender. If you try to if you try to pin a gender down, there's no way to do it. I've tried Why are you saying that like it's a slur though Which part How unable you are to pin a gender on. mean What's this clown's agenda? You know what Look I come from a very backward planet. Yeahah. In any case, so you led this entity to Earth once Yes, my job was to find planets for my boss to devour I was a scouter. I would find planets of suitable resources And when I found one, I would let my boss know and it would devour the planet. Why would you be doing that now? Huh Why would you be doing that now I needed a gig. I mean, you know, I was It came to my planet to devour, and I offered said, Hey, what if I worked for you instead of you devouring my planet And it took me up on it. This is what I don't understand, because if I went to like a pizza place, okay. I don't know why I'm thinking of this And I ordered a pizza and the guy behind the counter was like, Hey, what if instead I worked for you? Well, that's how I got this job. The pizza deliveryman came to my house 'causeuse I I left the Galactic Eity and moved to Saint Louis. And a pizza guy came to my house and I assumed he was scouting to eat my house Because in where I come from, whenever somebody shows up Scout in the place, that means an entity isn't, you know, and I was like, Hey, I don't know what you're here for. What if I work for you? And this guy took me up on it. So I hadn't actually worked for emmOoss, I worked for an EO's delivery guy I'm like a subcontractor And you know, whenever he gets overwhelmed, up I pick up the slack In exchange for him not eating my house, I assume. I assume he was gonna eat my house You follow the logic on that Would you guys start the show like six o'clock? Howow we did it R right? I gott three more guests I gotta confess Bronze boogie Barder. I am imagining you as a giant pizza right now. becausecause you know it's there, yeah. Yeah. It's hard it's hard, yeah,z once pizza enters. Yeah. It's tough. Where how far has it made it All the way back there Oh wow. W there. Is there is there still some in the box Well, if you run out, you can just eat the box. It tastes the same No are youre gonna jump me After the show, you what I mean the alley Um Yeah, really I really felt like it was more interesting when I thought this through