Acting Exercises and Final Plugs

C comang com backang comyang comy Bangy bang comy B bang C C Come back C back Aose by any other name would be called by that other name like Blarney It would still smell as sweet as Barney. Wlcome to Ced, Bang Bang Thank you to Derivative Gangster for that castphrase submission. That one took some acting on my part. and I don't think I nailed it, so unfortunately not gonna stick. but thank you the Hunt continues, Derivative Gangster. We appreciate your efforts And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Okmerman. We have an exceptional show today. Coming up a little later. We have a show business themed episode today. First up, we have an actor and a producer And then a little later we have an actor slash casting director slash teacher. So this is an incredibly showiz oriented episode and I of course am U, unfortunately, but u hey Lovely to have you listening. Let's get to our first guest here. Now, you know him from such things as the Daily show You know him from the office. You know him from the hangover Most importantly He is entering the esteemed two timimers Cub on comomedy Bang Bang the podcast. Can you believe it? Please welcome back to the show Ed Hm. Yeah. All right, two times. Two times. Two time When was the last time? It went a long time. twenty fourteen. And you were at a totally different location. I was. I like to keep it secret where I am my assassination coordinates So yeah, I like to move every single episode is in a different place. Yeah. But yeah, totally different time. You know, you're entering the To Timers Club, most people are in the Zero Timers Club. That' most people on Earth. Well, yeah, of course if you do the math. Yeah. But the best people are in the To Timers Club. And that's why for it's I mean, it was years ago that I was on the show And I've been pounding you. I' I've texted you every day since then. I put a like a spam blocker on your neighbor unfortunately because it's just too much. Well, the two timers C club is just so it's so intoxicating. I'm Well now the O Terers cllub are mainly like Big movie stars who did it once as a favor and never wanted to return So you have Ben Stiller Paul Rud But the two Ters Club is special because it's usually big movie stars like yourself. who have a podcast to promote and to come back. That's the coolest level. I feel like. That's where it's And that's what makes the two T timers cllub So rare, do you know who else is in it? I want to my You know what, we don't have the guests broken down by as many times as they've been out. I I' access your name. I'm gonna start just a club outside of this. The two timers, actually've already rented real estate. Okay, you may want to talk to your wife about this and it's kind of my new full time thing. J Yeah, I don't know. The CBB two T club And Hey, honey. Yeah. I just started something called the T timimers Glbe. Yeah. Yeah, it's the membership dues are one hundred thousand dollars, which is which I've budgeted to be Um, roughly what I need to feed my family. Okay, and this is what a year a month one hundred thousand dollars Yeahah, per year and forget them And if if if you join then you have to hang out at the club for six hours a day.ix full hours a. You know what? I haven't thought this all the way through. I You only have two rules. Pay me a hundred thousand dollars a year and hang out with me six hours. sit there for six hours a day. You don't have to talk. We do have a coffee machine. Yeah Okay and some doesn and lates p and notes and pencils. So you can like do and can do stuff This is I'm such a I'm a dad doing bits. like to me like a pivees and pencils is like a. It's a full afternight. That's all you need. Dad bits. Oh boy. Oh boy. You entered the two timer father club. Oh, that's true. Yeah recently That's another two timer club And I was reading your Wikipedia page in advance of our meeting not to brag. And I noticed under personal life let's go down to personal life. Let's see Uh Helmms is married. No other info. In a podcast with Jordan Klepper in august twenty twenty four, Helmms mentioned he has two children. Now, do you want to give anything stronger than that on that? like affirmatively just say you have two children or just casually mention It only comes out in mentions onlynly, uh, yeah Um, I feel like that covers it. That covers Yeah J Just an offhanded comment that you have two children. Yeah Yeah. are this is a cool table. I got two kids. U And then o a whole political views. Oh boy, wow. Oh, there's a whole section in Wikipedia whole section of yeah, pololitical views? Would it surprise you to know you were a board member of represent us? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing that. Yeah. I like that operation. Alongside other stuff. People can go to the wk Do you want any any new things you want to break that are Wikipedia warriors can Get out there and anything new going on in your personal life or your political views? Breaking breaking news Breaking at Helmms newews. Oh Yeah, I went on a girl Scout camping trip this weekend. W with one of my kids. Oh okay. I didn't' Cordon C. I I didn't just show up at a Girl Scout campion. That el is known to show up at girl Girl Scout campion of the Wikipedia bitage. Yeah go, it was great. I brought some balloons and but posted thoseast couple of kazoos and I introduced myself and Okay, well that's something we can work with. Hopefully that'll end up on your Wikipedia page.orry. news. Now, Ed, you in addition to you know, your story career, so many incredible I mean, when you when you first got in this business Everyone hopes to achieve the kind of things you have, but very few actually do. Did you ever think that you would do Did you have that belief in yourself where you were like Do do this shit I do love something that happened to your voice asking that question. Well, I start out on one question I just oal or deep or something sort of exploratory. We're gonna get deep here. Let's. We're gonna peel back the lid of Ed Elm. Did you ever think you would do it, Ed You know, I think like a lot of a lot of people, u who who go into this wacky business. It was just a stew of No No pun intended because you played studo Oh the hangver. That's true. That We want to make sure no one thinks that pun was intended. Not intended. I Did have o this weird belief that I could do this and I sort of like irrational faith in my ability to push forward, but also pushing against all of that is just this very powerful doubt that that kind of and they're just tides that wash in and out all the time. and still do. Yeah Well, yeah, you go to the ocean any day of the week, you'll Yeahie that dies I'm affected by the moon is what I'm realizing But no, but I think somewhere along the lines I also But I felt like I guess I think I had something to prove or something. Yeah. and and that's a weird. Wh you Who are you proving it to? becausecause people do it to their parents. They do it to the people at school. Yeah. Who are you trying to stick it to? I think probably parts of both of those categories. and not and not out of Um not out of disdain, but sort of just like I've been underestimated or something. a sense that I had more to show or something Um And Uh And I, but I do I do think that what pushed me through those early years is doing stand upp in New York and trying to get onto just get into all these different comedy shows and circles and the Upright Citizens Brigade and You did preremium Blend in two thousand two. Yeah. that was huge for me. Yeah. I was actually already on I think I was already on the Daily Sh at that point. You were on the Daily Sh in two thousand two, so that checks out. But But it still was like, this is such a validation of Th these like at that point, I guess, eight years of New York City trenches uh trying to Yeah, just trying to make it work. And you just, I mean, you know this like early on, there's just so much rejection and so much failure, you have to have an irrational belief that you can do this. And now that you've made it, do you find it's fun to be the one rejecting the other people? A it feels so good. Just crushing, stopping Uh because because you have to defend your time. Exactly. I don't want anybody rising up and diluting my u megalomania. It's's I'm so Happy to be here. I deserve it. I deserve everything. This ever come my way No. No, of course You know, I've been I read this weird, there's a psychologist who's done a lot of study on the concept of luck and where luck comes from. And of course, I would say luck played a huge part in so many and many steps of my career Um But I think that there's also something interesting just about sort of the psychology of someone uh who like how we How we feel about luck or how we feel about the world around us can open doors for us. Meaning that if you get lucky and you feel like, oh, I actually deserve that, does that? No. No, what I mean is N I took a stab. And I was wrong. No, I think a lot of people a lot of people do that U you know, privilege is something it's hard for I think a lot of people to see in themselves or to under even understand about one's own background. It's hard to see sometimes Um But no, I saw this this study, I'm going to get these details wrong, but the gist of it was that that uh People were given a test where they they look in a newspaper or they're told to count the number of pages. in a newspaper or something like that.. And this sounds like something I could maybe do. And on like page ten It says There's a huge ad in the newspaper that says the total number of pages is sixteen. You can stop now. Oh And and people who had a more sort of open mindset to and a more flexible mindset towards the world were more likely to see that and then tell the proctor of the test, you know U Right. It's the answer is fourteen or whatever the you said sixteen, but sixteen Yeah. whichich by the way, stop you at page ten. you only have six to go. I would just continue right J just ify But that's why that's why I said, I'm going to get the details right. I know, but this is like if you watch Task Master, I don't know if you've ever seen that show the Jason Manzuus was on series nineteen, but a lot of times they give you the answer to the task that they give you. Oh right. early on in a weird way, but so many people are so focused on stuff. I never see it. it's that exact concept. And one might think that that it was luck that allowed someone to see that page, but it actually has a lot to do with sort of how you move through the world and how you Um whether or not you are accepting defeat and quitting or feeling flexible and feeling and sort of take and feeling more present and and that's to say u that I think u that which is another thing in my life that I've really washed in and out of periods of great anxiety or periods of openness and flexibility And because anxiety always comes with you wanting to control your environment and control your circumstances U which is almost always a bad thing, right? Like being trying to be flexible and move right through things and bounce off the world in in a positive way is. So now do you try to just let stuff wash over? You like those tights we were talking about before Uh, yeah, and I try not to to I tryed to I just stay as present as possible and as open and Um U this is all very heady all of a sudden, but Um, But I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still see I'm still reading these weird things and then talking about them on pop. Exactly. We have I mean, the day we figure it all out is the day that we keel over and just shuffle off this mortal coil as the Bard once say. Are you a fan of the immmortal Bard? Yeah, of course. I love the I love the Bard And the Star Cross lovers. What is that whichich one is is that is that a Hamlet, the Mortal Cil reference? I hope so because that's my favorite one and if that line isn't in it, then I'm disappointed when I go see Hamlet. I feel like Mortal Coil needs to stage a comeback. Yeah as a as a as a as a synate for life, right? you know, like doctors should say at. Yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry, miss. Houndes. your husband has shuffled off this morning Wh don. Ooh, Classy. Yeah it's a tough one to. I don' know why I put you dying in that situation.skay It's not going to come up with any fake name and instead I just grabb for you. Itelt like it felt like something that came from a very visceral veryer real place. Uh, and I gott to ask The office. you played Andy Bernard. Yeah There is now an office spinoff the paper. Yeah. Oscar. Is in both You see where I'm going with this? Oscars amazing. Oscars' amazing. Bud But my real question. If in the office they sold paper, why in the paper don't they sell offices? O b You know? Don't they They should. I haven't you haven't checked it out yet. U That's a good one. That's a hat scratcher That's a real good one. And it and and I don't know the answer. All I know is that Oscar is amazing. Maybe you could write to Oscar and have a mask or something, not or just like or hey, Greg Daniels like likeink a little subplot of at least one. give you his phone number. Great Daniels, could you? I could text Why'd you text me right now? Yeah. Yeah. If in the office they sold paper, why in the paper do they not sell offices? Hit me back ASAP. You really want me to? I mean, sure. ye. I mean look, we've had people call their business managers to see how much money they've made on certain projects.. We This is the kind of thing we love on Tim Robinson after the show asked his wife if she loved to laugh and tape recorded her saying it and sent it to us. Look, this is the kind of stuff we love on comedy Bang bang. So Feel free to do that. I'm going to give you a little more time to wrap up that text, and I'm going to be looking around at your further information here. Now one thing I am noticing Ed, about your CV is that You're an You're a producer, We produced the Auntie Donna show together, did we not And Now, Ed You have segued into the wonderful world so many celebrities are getting into Podcasting he just finished. I heard about every other word of that. So wait, here's the text. Okay, here's the text. I'm on a podcast and was just asked, if on the office they sell paper, why don't they sell offices on the paper Carried to away in. Thank you. Very good. All right We'll see,ll we'll just go ahead. We'll see we get can answer by the by the end of the show. You know, mayaybe he's on set and he's Very busy coming up with excuses as to why they don't sell offices, but We'll see if Greg Daniels hits you back. Now, you have started podcasting. You've continued podcasting. You have a podcast. Yes. It's called situation normal all Fouled to be up Well, one way to say it. No one says what the acronym means. We just say that the podcast is called snaFu. SnaFoo. Yeah, which is an acronym as you as you have just spelled out. situation normal all F Fouled we like to sayure donon't say that other word. Ilease I know don't it. Yes. I don't like to think about people doing that. I know. It' so it's so icky for you. I know. So yes, it's a podcast called SnaFu and it is about snaFoos. It's essentially a history podcast and I walk My guests through and historical snaffu and it's it's a delight. Are you a big history buff? Is that how you got into this? Yes. I'm more of a I'm more of a guy who likes the other side. Well, I am from Georgia. so where where about S. Georgia? Atlanta Atlantictlanta part of theelta Yeah, exactly. Delta Coca Cola. sureure. we're going to go with some corporate u Um And and you do grow up sort of u weirdly U it's more pres the civil warar is present there. Like you're just seeing there's a lot of monuments there. there's a lot of whether they're monuments are just historical markers uh, you know, there's a We my sister found a musket ball in our yard and just like weird fromrom the Civil War? Yeah pres shot one over there. We think it's in the present way. There was a battle basically right where our neighborhood was built u the Battle of Clear Creek and uh And so yes, we assume it's assum at the same. What was it? I mean, a musket ball is obviously not an explosive device. No, it just comes out of a gun. It's about like the size of a So it was't dangerous. A milk dud. Yeah.'s a dead. It's a, it's bullet, essentially from that time period. Right. And it didn't have you know how on CSI they they put it under the microscope and they say, o, the styrations Or Striach. what is it St Ive I believe it's Striac. Striachans. Yeah. Well, so no, that's a different weapon because thats the striachians are from the rifling in the barrel. Well that's why they're called a rifle. Right. And that's what spins a bullet as it comes out of a rifle. I see. And was a that was a technological advancement from the musk that came later. So a musk musket is just it wouldn't have any mkings on it at all. I don't know. maybe it has like little wear the gun powder, who knows? But yeah, I don't I'm not a civil war. scientist I guess what I'm trying to say is if you took it to a forensic scientist, no one could trace this back to an actual gun or battle or anything like this. I don't know the answer to that to be honest. Or what did you do? it? Yeah, I think we we kept it for a minute and we're like, we found a musket ball. That's so cool As As I'm finding happens all the time with children, they just get lost. Everything gets lost. or the parents take it away from them and hide it and say I don't know where it is, honey. As Cool up did with the bell that I gave our daughter recly. Yeah. as my dad did with my forty five of another one Bes the dust. Oh no. He didn't think it was appropriate for an eight year old Talk about something biting the dust. Yeah. And the others the B side of that was a was a queen song that nobody knows called U try suicide. That's that's I know that one. That's a positiveess. know that song Don't try suicide Yeah. Nobody would care. Yeah It's not a nice song. It's a but it's also like it's just the ideation is not something that I think my parents wanted me to Yeah. I mean, I mean I think their hearts were in the right place of like, hey, don't do this, but They were still stealing from. This is trying the hot stuff album. Yeah I mean, this is the early eighties. So nineteen eighty itself, probably. Parenting was different. It was a lot different. So you've always loved history. You found this musketets ball in your backyard, and you said, let me start a podcast about this type of stuff No So Snapfood came about because History is sort of I'm just a rabbit hole guy. I get really curious about certain things and I wind up just reading and reading and wanting to talk about random little nuggets, whatever it is. And sometimes it's topical news items, sometometimes it's a weird science story. And oftentimes it's something history related And so as I was trying to sort of poonder if if I fit into the podcast landscape somewhere, it was like Well, this is this is an easy Easy thing this feels like very natural, a very natural thing that I can zoom in on. This something you like to do Yeah. because you don't wantan to start a podcast on something where you're like epode eight, you're like, goamn. Yeah. a podcast. And it's something I do like this one. all the time. I can feel your contempt. You're so outraged to just be initt here right now But the general curiosity, I think that I had was I was like, how can I focus this on something? And then and history became a very obvious angle. And then it was like, okay, There are a lot of great history podcasts out there. What's a more specific angle? It' like, o, the crazy messed up human hubris falling on our face stories. Th things go wrong in history. Yeah. Yeah. And and do you read about these to your guests who come on because you do have guests.. Do they read about it beforehand or is it you telling them about this story? No, so almost always the guest has no idea what the story is. I just broke that rule Last week for the first time, I had the hosts of Hard Fork which is a great New York Times podcast about tech It's it's these two tech reporters, Kevin Rce. J call it hard computer computer, you know, like I hear hard fork and I think it's a cooking thing Okay. You know what I mean? Sure. H You pass that on, do you mind do doing it another day? Yeah sure, sure sure. No, but Kevin Rooce and Kasey Dewon are to have this fabulous podcast and they're very like into the the current moment of tech But they also covered the Cambridge Analytica scandal a few years back, which you may remember And sure. Yeah. I wasn't involved in that at all. Yeah, twenty eighteen. there was the whole Facebook thing where where all this data was basically scraped off of Facebook and then used to u attempted to be used as a way to sort of psychiatrically control people or get them to get them to vote a certain way or just freak them out and outrage people like Uh using all this data as a way to target them with certain issues and then whatever. It's a very wild and dramatic scandal. And so they knew a lot about it. so you they both as tech reporters had covered it. And so they were experts on it. And so that was a little bit of a flip of the format. So it was like you learning about it Exactly them. I sort walkort of walked them through the timeline of it, but they were very much kind of reflecting and and joking and talking about the about what they knew about it, which was a lot more than I do. Right. And that was a really fun sort of flip of the format. But most of the time I'll just have either really funny people or really smart people or really interesting people on. They never cross over usually, right? funny people and the smart people. Hardly ever And, uh, U and And we'll go through a snaffoo. I'll sort of walk them through a snafu. I've researched and written a script for myself, but but then it's very much a conversation. And it's really, really fun. I had Adam Grant, for example, would follow he's very much in the smart guy category. We talked about Charles Ponzi who, you know is the original the originator of the Ponzi. Yeah. Right That's his legacy Um, and of course You hate to have a scheme named after you. Or Or maybe you you're pyched. I don't Yeahah, don't I mean, not even Madeoff had really I mean, no one goes around saying the Madeoff, maybe they say the Madeoff aect. Well H his was a Ponzi scheme. Yeah exactly. That's why like Ponzi. You think he was jockeying to get it renamed U Come on, gu is a M made off. He's a better publicist. But that was a really fun one because Adam is like a basically like a social psychologist and so to kind of like read through Ponzi's life story and his whole Uh, you know, that the whole thing that led to the him getting busted for having a Ponzi scheme, which at the time I guess was just called a scheme. Right. And were just an idea. And having Adam Grant like we in with all of his professional sort of psychology standpoints. It's really fun, Re really interesting. what I'm trying to say is my podcast is fun. It's fun. It's fun funny. and you also learn something about something maybe you didn't know anything about. E Eactly. You know, a lot of times listening to a podcast this one especially, you leave being dumber than when you came in. You extract intelligence from Yes, your listeners. But for you, you want everyone to come away going like, not only was that entertaining, but it was also very informative as well. Yeah Yeah, like I had Chelsea Handler on and I walked her through the whole Hindenburg story. obbviously a terrible snaoo. Obviously it blew up, Led Zeppelin, right? And we know those are the two things we know. thoseose are the things we know, but they say the horror, the horror about that or was that something else? No that's the apocalypse now. sure Oh the humanity. Oh wasas it about Hindenburg? Yeah. that was theory. Okay That was the live broadcast of all the humanity. Oh, there's people running around and there's fire everywhere. all the humanity And u that recording is very famous, but there's so many fun details like when you start to really it's a lot of stories like that that you kind of know. that you've heard a little bit about Um Have you done one I'm just coming up with stuff off the top of my head. the the Orson Wells War of the Worlds. Aing it to the list, right A to the because that was a big one And the big one. I love that one. And it's media related. Yeah.'s that's a really fun one U no, we haven't done it yet. Im definitely putting it on the list. Thank you. Any moreore? Any got any other ideas? That's the only thing I can think about right now but I guess I'll much are you paying your researchers because I guess I could have a side hustle going. All right. Pete Holmes is coming on later in the week and well, I don't know whenever this is this that will have happened when by the time this airs. but Um It's hard to prognosticate into the future, but at some point, Pete Holmesure. Pete Holmes will be on Snaaoo. and we're going to talk about Chap Aquitic, which is something which is an amazing story Teddy Kennedy driving a car off brridge and Um Mary Joe Kopepeknik dying And um I I was in the movie Chap A Qiddix. so I actually know a good bit about this story. Right. if I'm recalling correctly, you played Joe Gargan Yeah All right, I saw a little scroll there. Sroll what That's deep cut. I'm surprised that's even on your computer. I do remember it was the same year that you played Eddie Crumble in the Clapper. Ah yes. Yes. the old that old chestnut Yep. Yeah. as well as Peter Reynolds in Father figure Uh huh, and noah brewing and I do? Until I don't. U I did. I did That would be funny if if you did that movie and then everyone like gave up in the middle and was like, you know what? I don't anymore. I just walked off the movie and then everyone watched like a bare scream. I feel like the audience did that We're here. I have no idea what the movie is. But you were wonderful in it So this is a weekly show or is it irregular? Is it regular? Yeah. In the ballpark of a weekly I would say I I can feels like we it feels like we do a ton of them. is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, at the end of the year, do you get fifty two in the in the bank or do you thirties somewhere in the somewhere in the thirties. Okay. So you take some breaks Yeah That's. And I'll do like we just put up a clip show, which is really fun U Of your show or someone else's? Dukees H Hazard episodes. I love when they would slide across the hood of that car. Great in an audio medium Uh no yeah, lots it was our first clip show and it was sort of like, yeah, let's do that. It's fun because there's so many great moments. The tricky thing on our show though is that Is that a lot of the really funny or interesting moments that bubble up? you kind of have to know this what you're talking about Yeah's I mean, honestly, that's, we do best ofs every year. Sure sure. And just trying to figure out how much how much do people need to hear of But nobody ever knows what you're talking about, Scott. That's a good point. Yeah, you've been confused this whole time. You're likeally pointing at other guests and doing a circle motion around your temple and pointing at me. I'm just confused. Well, the podcast is called Snnaffoo and we it's out right now and people can listen to it right now. And from what I'm told, Pete Holmes is going be on As at some point So that's a selling point And any other TV shows movies coming up in the in the in the near future that I mean, I know you're in babies I know you're in smudge the blades. I know you're in she gets it from me. Yeah, these are these are all u Th these great Indies that think the stunt driver Yeah, the stunt drivers is a very quest It's coming out soon. Soon is This year. these will probably be all of the movies you just mentioned will probably hopefully be in film festivals this fall. So So if you're in a or attending a film festival, make sure to vote it for the audience awward. There you go. There you go The stunt driver veryery cool wild story. It's a true story. All about a Canadian stunt driver, is I right? Yeah. so very literal title. They should have called it the Canadian stuff. Yeah R. Hey U So the story that's that's a crazy one because there was a documentary made about this guy, Ken Carter, who is the Canadian evil andvil. back in the seventies and this documentary is extensive and the director, Michael Douse, who is also Canadian, got the rights to the documentary, but he also got access to all of the B roll, all of the footage from that the filmmakers had of the documentary. So what he did then was the documentary has Ken Carter performing all these incredible jumps and stunts as a stunt driver. you know We don't do that anymore as a society. We don't We don't celebrate people jumping school buses in cars the way we used to. I don't know. Maybe because like everyone thinks everything is fake that they see now. so what Yeah, and well or I mean, if you if there's a positive way to spin it, it's that we've evolved past this sort of like human carnage fascination I doubt it. No, because MMA is now is like more popular than ever. I think it's just once CGI happened. everyone's like, Yeah, you can make anything look like anything at this point. Well, Ken Carter really did jump a lot of things, a lot of in cars and this there's a documentary about him that that's incredible. And and so Michael Douse, the director of this movie shhot us I don't know. J B No, J Barchell plays Ken Carter And he really does look like him and he's intercutting the footage from the documentary. So the actual stunts are in the in the actual movie, like every stunt you see in our movie will be real. I mean, I guess that's better than Jay Barrishell having to do about. I mean, he's he's a great actor. He's a great actor, but could he could he jump cars? Probably? I mean, look Let's give them the benefit of the doubt. But that's a I'm su excited. I haven'ten that one yet. That's incredible. You've played Dick Keller, of course. Yeah. Well, Ed Helmms is here. Can you stick around, Ed? becausecause we have to take a break? Oh. We have a very entertainment focused show. We have a actor slash casting director slash teacher here. Great. Yeah, so maybe we'll learn a little bit about the business. Bring it all. All right Ed Helmms is here. we're gonna be right back with more Ed more comomedy Bang bang. We'll be right back after this. comedy bang bang, We're back, Ed Helmms is here. Snafu is the podcast now. hasas Greg Daniels turnurned a text message at all. sorry. Oh sorry, Ed. I know this guy. hasas Craig Daniels returned? Well, so I was in airplane mode 'use I'm a res not Greig Daniels. I'm your ex stepfather. No, Hi Bob. Dua. Yeah, Hi Bob. Is that true U Yeah, your ex st. Bob was married to my mother for six months when We made love three times. Wh I've never asked you about this. Was it every two months O was it intoree Dree at the beginning or P two at the beginning and once does What was the distribution? One point five and one point five. So so you had full sex in one hands off once? Well, it F point five, it's regional. It depends on who you know It's getting to second base though, is it not I don't do bases. I guess if you're yeah, that would make that would be a logical way to do it. Yeah. If there's four bases and second base would. In the Duca family we do it but cricket style I know. Do you mean cricket the English game or the instead of a baseball metaphor, it's a cricket sex as a cricket metaphor. So what is a what is a home what is when you have sex Tapstick? Topstick. Topstick. Tstick And I don't is that a Is your family from England? No, we just it was just a more useful useful metaphor. I see. wait, are you sure you're not talking about croquet Croquet or cricket, Cricket. 'cause there's another That is confusing. You can get the thick stick But these aren't cricket terms, are they There's big old' thick bat and cricket. You're just making them cricket terms They Well no, I'm not making them up. They're real and then you apply them. You apply sex. Retroactive sex.es. I don't know. It sounds sounds like we're in a sticky wicket guys Well, we'll see about that. Hi Bob. it's Bob Dua Ed you you guys did the television show, the comedy Bang Bang TV show together. That true. I got on a couch. I've done li I've been on stage with Bob Duca before. It's a I have very very mixed feelings about Bob Duca. As do I. Look. I mean, he comes around preach of the choir guys. He comes around once a year, a lot like Santa Claus, but instead of presence. That's right This year I invited myself. I manifested it I put it I put it in my calendar and I said, this is so I mean, that's just putting something on your calendar. You weren't in. I yet hear it's happening now. Yeah, because you showed up. Right. I did the work Wait there's a difference between manifesting something and And just do just a Yeah, exact like's like it's like saying, I manifested this loaf of bread. Well, no, you went to the grocery store and you bought. But you first have to manifest before you go in. manifests as you think it And then you go and you do it. Yeah, But I mean, you could say like I manifest that I'm going to play in the World Series this year But Th just you're proving my point. And just show up in the locker room one day, you didn't manifest it. You broke into a locker room What if you get to play in the World Series I mean, has that ever happened before? That's something that that would be a snap. I mean in Bob's defense, presumably everyone who is playing in the World Series at any given year did manifest it. What if I do this? That true. Yes for this next W series. What if I show up in an old timey baseball costume And then I run out and I play I catch I catch a flyball. Do you think that they would this is the question because you know, you see this all the time in major league baseball games? People jump the stands. they run out. ussually they're streaking, they're naked But what if you showed up in an actual baseball costume and you just pretended you were part of the team? How long would it take for them to say like, oh wait a minute, that guy is I guess it would take maybe and like from Like a streaker they know right away. Sure. If you jumped down in a perfect replica of like a doodger's uniform with like a glove and everything and rant just like kind of like casually jog to the outfield. And then and then the real player got to the outfield and you guys had an exchange likeike, wait, what are you point at each other meam? My guess is that it would take about ten seconds longer. ten seconds of grace. Yeah. I would buy you about ten seconds before security kicked in. I don't even better one What if you combine them and you're like a streaker, but you just go in Theyre they halftime? You go in a lock room seventhing stretch. M naked with the players. I don't think in baseball And you wait for them to notice I actually don't think in any sport the players are getting naked during halftime. I don't think like an NFL like Okay. They're all like, you know what? let me just get naked. You don't think they're just like, I feel gross. I'm at a feel They're stanging their pads and everything. Yeah Okay also Well,, but let's at the end of the game, they're showering, right? Sure. So okay. Okay, so and shower with them after the game and then go home Yeah, that's but that with them. Here's a question though for real. is it if if you join the team while they're naked showering and you're naked count as streaking at that point ion I think it's a it's still good prank because you could just go in there but like that was rough huh? Yeah because streaking streaking implies being in public naked, but that's kind of a shower in a major leeague baseball game is sort of a public activity, although it's not public in the sense of Anyone could walk in. I don't know. I don't know where I stand on this streaking. Yeah. it's it's a tough one Okay Bobble, it's been great to see you. wait wait No, I'm sorry You ain't getting rid of me that easily. All right, Bob. what did what did you come here for? I have Ed Helms here huge Hollywood star. this this this you should care about this because I found out something about my medical history I mean, you were just my stepfather for six months when I was in my thirties. I don't think this is gonna listen, I loved you and your mother enough that it's biological at this point. Okay. All right, what did you find out? Well, the results of my twenty three and Steve came back That that's the more religious twenty three im m. No, it's the genealogy thing where you spit into this guy Steve's mouth and then he tells you What ancestry What? Where is Steve Where is at this point, I don't know. he's probably at the farmer's market No, but where where do you go to see him? Does come by the house or does he? Oh yeah, you have And why do you think he's at the farmer's market now? That's where I met him People aren't always Always at the place that you met them How do you know You know what I mean? If I'm somebody at the farmer's markarket on like Friday at two PM, I wouldn't like Monday at nine PM go. That guy's probably in why whyy do I get so scared if I see my teacher in the real world you got you made a good point. All right. So what did you find out with twenty three and Steve? Well, I earned It's not good. Turns out that I'm mostly cararbuncle Carbuncle? Yes Genetically or genetically? Genetically you your carbuncle. Yes. And a carbuncle remind me that's like a barnacle. Like a witch's wt. A witch's wart? Like a big thick Oh, a carbuncle. It's like a medical Yes Okay, so most of your body is carbuncled. Yes. So it's like a growth on something else. you is are you predominantly Carbuncle on Bob Dua or is Bob Duah It sounds to me like maybe you had a twin in the womb and you're the carbuncle on on It's like who's eating who here, you know what I mean? Yeah, guys. Wow Why do you wantna high five me? after you just sayy, who's eating who Take your hand down, Bob. T tellell me what else you found out about. Well, there's some other diseases that I have too. and this for you and your child You know,' valuable at risk for these as well. Okay. What do you got? St Vitas's dance Quinsie Gripe Pepper tongue. Wait, gripe is a disease. Yes You and you have it. Yes But you know that's a thing you can get at the pharmacy is gripe water. reallyally? Yeah. Yeah. mayaybe that would cure your gripe. And contrary to what people think it's not if you have a complaint about smart water Right carcinum Merkel cell carcinoma Erkl cell carcinoma. AKA, did I do rash Anyway, but that's not what I feared. So that was the shortest list you've ever. Those are the those are the things. Well, you have carcinoma Merkel cell carcinoma That's another type of carcinoma. And then Erkel And and and motorcycle annoma. I do insside carcinoma . This is a lot of stuff, Bob. How not that's not you here to talk about. Okay. what why these new findings has caused me to reinvigorate my healthcare team You know, I have a whole We always want to reinvigorate our health carere teams. It don't It's true. You have to you have to let them do that once a year Yeah, you know, just reinvigorate your healthcare team. You mean like new people or just kind of like give them a high five Yeah. I'm not quite sure N people. You have to always add new new people. S. A change findind out what what your needs are You know And so I just wanted to read out a list of some of the amazing Caregivers that are involved in my life because it takes a village, belieieve it or not It takes it takes a whole team to keep this old bag of bones moving. Bob, you've been coming on this show now for seventeen years. I do believe it So you want to read this list here? May By all means, the floor is yours. Can you say it not sarcastic? I don't think I can Okay that's fine. I don't think that my body will allow me to do The following. are members of my health carere team primary care physician chiropractor therapist Verbalist. Hold on now, you're just reading their jobs. I thought that you were going to give them shout outs no these are the titles. Okay, all right, go ahead, sorry It's you just your setup was like, you want to I did think you were gonna say names Well, I'm sorry to keep you both on your toes and defy your expectations. Like if I were giving Scott a shout out, I wouldn't say was podcaster I live in a LEgo world. Everybody is their title top. Okay, I apolog. I don't mean to interrupt your flow Go ahead, start, start again, if you don't mind Wherever you like, Bob, Whver you like Chiropractor. therapist Verbalist Do a lot UFC dentist Catheter sniper defibrillator caddy. Plebotomist. Toilet daddy, poured up hotty, mommy. Crossing guard White Witch. And I don't mean that inter racial I just mean a suburban woman who goes into pentagrames. seeeeing Iesambony Yoga goat. Gen Z interpreter A RP whisperer Chheewy candy molar miner extxtra thick nail podiatrist Real doll mechanic Skin tag our breist Rash scratcher Sist warden Wtle Sander. Belly button, renoter Marijuana clown Under bed monster checker Large pale neck massager tip froster, getting ready for summer, y'all Sab moistener stool tightener ot loosener Heper monkey Helper monkey assassin, just in case Hammer tooe blacksmith Pelvic mesh girdle Grundle bundler say that again. If you can Pelvic mesh P Try a third time Pelvic mesh girdle Grundled bundler. Pelic of Girdle, Grendler, Gundler. And what's their name? Dennis. Okay. Okaykay This is the dentist that you always talk about Oh no, not the dead dentist D dead dentist. Okay, but you have a dead dentist as well That's a part of your team is a dead dentist? No, I have a UFC dentist. Oh which Just to be clear, he to get gym time, if you can make it past his front door, he gives you a free exam Okay, how often have you made a pen? Oh he beats the shit out of me. I haven't made it Pickle brine bartender Bacney chaperone. Lice spot her Insure shaker colonoscopy gaffer Bittin my food tester Testing Wow, testing to make sure there's no spit in my f to make sure there's no Yeah, wow. And that's that's the extent of your team U yeah. Is that are they are they all covered by insurance U No, there's a very well, it's a whole system of different insurances and Double blinds. Yp. Yeah. Yeah. And is it is but everyone on that list is a different person or does like one person take on a few different? All different people. all different people. So yeah there's a lot of people at your house every day. Listen. It's absolutely, but you find you find what you need. And then and then that's important. A lot of people think taking care of their health is just having a doctor Mh This is preventative medicine. R. Although a lot of it sounds like you should have prevented it before. Like who was it the Bacney Mhm I can't remember the second word, but I mean, it probably take me a while to find it. Yeah I don't. Yeah, you could do just a control find or the Yeah, like the poop doula. Yeah. U everybody poops sure. S, But it sounds like you're having issues getting it out. Oh yes Oh yes. Maybe if you could employ it like a a fiber Wangler. then you might not need the poop dulla. Well, I don't have Medicare Right. That's true. Right. And you've always had issues with ingesting fiber,asn't that I remember that during the time you were I said I meant eat clothes Everybody got mad at me. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, speaking about streaking. I was out of a full wardrobe O night. So this is I would just take I would just take a little little bite of your of a thread and then you'd run away And you were always just so busy working or workaholic always knows in your phone. you didn't realize that you We're naked after a little while. That's true. Where is twenty three and Steve now Write this second? Yeah, write this second. Yeah, do you ever ever find my location findinder on him at all or did It's just a string Yeah, I wondered, you have strings tied onto all of your fingers, right? I'm going guess by this tension Mm. pulling on the string a little bit M This is this is like watching a someone sail a ship during you know, ship sailing times, I'm sorry, I can't be more specific than that in my reference. I think he I think he's at the jack in the box by the old Aoeba. Oh yeah. that the one they tore down? What's he doing there They tore down that jack in the box? Oh yes, they did. Amoeba is gone and sanded a jack in the box. Oh. I'm so sorry So so sorry to break this news to you, Bob. Yeah He's probably dead You think twenty three and Steve is dead when they tore down the jack in the He's a heavy hillber Oh wow, wow. This is bad but look, Bob, you have a lot going on with you. So it's at least You're out there trying to do something about your health because I've been concerned about you all these years. Why Well, I mean, just every time you come by, you have U Usually you have a list of all of your new ailments that you're saying. At least this time you have the people who are there I'm ye taking the positive steps. Yes. But you know it's funny. if you're concerned about me and I don't want you to be, maybe I should move in here so you can keep a closer eye on me. Oh. you know who I hear has a great place with a lot of extra room is Ed actually, L I was hearing. You were talking during the break about your playing onto your ankle? Oh wait a second. I didn't That's pure fiction. I was was kind of like saying how much square footage you had? No How much of it was kind of empty day. And so I we weren't talking about that That's a total fiction. You're making that up. However, I do have a lot of spare room. But Um And I'm just gonna my wife has a strict no carbuncle policy in our house. And that's not I would. I would love to have. I can't say I blame. I should have said this before. My carbuncles are contagious. Oh, Oh, boy. You've been rubbing up against both of us this entire time Yeah, I I I thought that u I thought that was odd behavior. Sure, But look, I long and yearn for human connections. Sure. I wasn't gonna say anything. Right O of course. But now that I know you're infectious. Um So we're going to get carbuncles likely You don't look like a carbuncle to me. Thank you. But a lot of people think I'm a carbuncle with googly eyes. Not true. I'm a human person. You smell a little bit like what I would think a carbuncle might smell. Yeah,ust sort of like a Yeah, you've been rubbing air fresheners all over your body this entire time as well. Where Where have you gotten all of those? F From your own car or No, no, no, no from the car wash garbage can Oh, okay, yeah, you can find a lot of good stuff there. Yeah. Oh, really good stuff. Yeah. those old steering wheel cover things.. I don't know how many times I've gotten to car wash and I say, you know, I'm just gonna throw away my old steering wheel cover. My steering wheel cozy and get a new one Yeah, and you're like H It's been so long since my car smelled like candy chemicals. I'm gonna get one of these air freshers.. Yeah. I mean so you smell sort of disgusting in that car wash kind of way. Right I probably also smell like those chairs the massage chairs. Oh yeah, the So I get a lot of extra the food and stuff that people that you know, shakes out. It's easy to lose something when you're sitting in one of those, you know, there's a lot of crumbs. There's a lot of crumbs. Yeah. Yeah. That's I mean, I enough if you put them together That's a full meal for a guy like you. Yeah You know, when I was eavesdropping earlier, you were talking about luck and and and I were fully outside. We heard you open the door No And And there was a study that lucky people think that they're lucky Like they just assume that they're lucky and they'll do things like They say that they have like a psycholog a test coming up. They don't know it's about luck. And the people who don't think that they're lucky and they would put out like a twenty dollars bill on the ground People who don't think they're lucky don't notice the twenty dollarars bill. The people who think they're lucky notice the twenty dollarars bill. If you think you're lucky, you're lucky. Oh, Who are these scientists putting out twenty dollars bills on the ground? Beuse I want to follow one of them around. H Oh, I don't know. It's probably That's a good kind of I mean, we're talking about Ponzi and his schemes. That's a good scheme. L find a scientist who's doing a study where he puts twenty dollars bills on the ground And then just follow him around, pick him up That's seems like an elaborate scam that wouldn't It's a long time to. It's a scheme. It's not a scam. Oh. Is there a difference? But if you do that and and you wind up picking up like a lot of twenty dollars bills Bobs cription, you're luck That's true. that makes you a very lucky person. The scientists would probably get mad at you after three I'm sorry. You're like, what are you mad at? I'm validating your study. And then you then and then you'd have what? I'm mad say. That's a good point Is that out where they come from? Yeah. They're just a little irritated. Sure because you messed up there he would and he would say, I'm unlucky. I think there's been a big misconception. People think that I'm insane. I just was annoyed about parking Well, Bob, this is all fascinating stuff. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. I hope that twenty twenty six turns out better for you U and we love it when you drow by. I usually don't say this to you, Bob, but can you stick around C on, don't make me beg, Bob. All right.' good.. Be. All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back, we do have an actor slash casting director slash teacher. This is very exciting. We're gonna be right back with more Bob Dua, moreore Ed helelms, we'll be right back with more. comomedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. Ed Helmms is here, Ed. I gotta know. takeake it off airplane mode as Greg Daniels returned the text quite yet U Greg has replied. Greg has replied. This is exciting stuff. What do we got He wrote I am not going take that beef up with hacks unless Hacks takes on beef Which leads me to believe that this must have been a question posed on the show hacks or something. I don't I don't know what He's making additional show ref reference. Yeah this hacks and beef. Maybe he thinks that hacks and beef are the same kind of mayaybe he thinks they're spinoffs of each other. Have you ever had hacks and beef, Bob? It's delicious Look, I mean, this is why he's Greg Daniels. He's on another level. An level. Exactly. know So all right. well that's The great Greg Daniels has spoken. He has, fantastic. Well, give him my best, of course. Of course neverever met Well, Bob Duka is also here, Bob. What's been going on since during the break you were fielding phone calls and a a lot of stuff going on with you. What's happening? Well, yeah,'m going I'm starting a business. Oh, you are. Yes. I mean, everyone has a great idea. Some people are able to capitalize it, some people are not Yes, I I'm get I got a job as a vape tester. And what how does I mean, why do vapes need testing? How do you got to make sure they work? Okay. to make sure Do you test them as like that you're testing the technology of the product or you test the product on its way out the door In other words, like if I will go and buy a vapPen, C I Have you tested? Yeah. Are you at the door testing it as as I leave? Yeah. Yeahah. I'm a doorway. I'm a doorway vape tester Because before you hit that parking lot, you want to make sure you don't want to look like a jerk. You don't want to get all the way in your car. Yeah loaded up. presuming that these things get loaded. I don't know, with e juice. And suddenly it's not working. So you're there at the door. Okaykay. How's that going for you I don't feel good Okay. Yeah Yeah. because mean, you're taking hundreds of hits. hundreds pins. I smell like sour apple and cotton candy. Shorter time, you know Jude, how are your teeth My teeth. Yeah, I mean I doing h I mean, they're terrible. that has nothing to do with the o o. All right. ye good sure good.. How about your lungs? your, you know My lungs, well very bad, Scott. What about your pussy, your back, your neck, your crack? I may have said those out of order Well, I got a tip top pussy and an A one cack. Okay, well, that's all we need to know about All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Okay, she's an actor, slash casting director, slash teacher Please welcome to the show, Paulina. Hi,aulina Hello, Hi. Hi. I am a casting director and act voice actor. Yes. And teacher as well. And teacher, yes, I have an acting studio where I teach acting. Okay, great. so you're a voice actor. I'm sorry. I should have been more specific, a voice actor. Well, acting is voice acting, Scott, right? Sure, but But what is acting Right and you're an actor. Sure, right? I love acting. But what is acting? Well, you're the teacher. R? Right? But I'm asking you guys, what is This is I mean o a lot pretretended T Halloween. Halloween. It's Halloween. Halloween. I don't know that acting is Halloween necessarily. You're not really a wolf sureure? But what if you're playing what if Scott Ockerman was playing a podcaster, right? Then he's playing something that is himself, right? So sure It wouldn't be acting it wouldn't be pretending then, right? Right. So if you're saying if I get a role in a movie playing a podcaster, which honestly, I'm available. I am offer only, but I'm available. Tech avail. U you think that I would not be pretending that I would actually be playing something close to myself so that would not be acting. Right. So what is acting? It would be acting because you're in the movie, but it is not then acting is not pretending, right? Saying li that someone else. But what if you're playing a character who is completely silent or quiet, like a dog or a cat O Okay, maybe This is a this is a quite a socratic journey we're on. Yeah. Okay So what is acting? What is being told what to do and you trying to replicate that? Wrong. No No, It is not being told what to do. Aing comes from within, right? Okay, sure. So it's when you u It's kind of weird to act something that comes from within and then the director like Oh, I don't. I don't yeah. Ly Ly' not telling the truth. Lying.y. What about the example we just posed? where if you're playing something close to yourself then you're not lying, right? R What do you got? Okay, so like act I think of acting when I walk onto a set, I get a script and I'm thinking. So you don' get the script untill you walk onto the set? Oh, no, no, I have already had Yeah, that's a good point, Scott, thank you. I' have had the script. I've internalized it, but then I get sides when I get onto this set And where do you hide them? under their leg? Are you talking're talking about. They're allzarella sticks Are you talking No no, no, no sides are the little tiny script pages that you get for that day's work and it's it's's always in your back pocket. They're always in your back pocket and you can almost always see them in actors pockets in movies and TV. So but what I'm trying to get at is I'm trying to think like my so I walk ono the set and what am I thinking? I'm thinking I'm going to portray someone's a narrative that has been provided to me. And I wrong? Oh no. That was try. I know. right Apparently wrong Aing is playing it real, right Okay That's something I do a lot at my studio. I have vocabulary that I've made up and I want people to guess it correctly, right? What about Jim Carerey though? That's is he playing it real? He's playing it real. because Jim Carerey for what role are you thinking? The mask. Yeah And explain that movie. Okay, so that I there's ancient is it ancient? Yeah I think there's ancientask Is it Egyptian? Its like the mask of Odin or something? It it's Norse And I think it's of Norse origin and he puts it on And then he can he becomes something like crazy He can do like googly eyes and he can his tongue can unfurl when's a turns green which which I don't think is tethered to reality. So I know like That is how I'm challenging How could have a mask turn your entire body green, you know sure. And that is exactly the actor's journey to take something like that and make it what Whaty did you real? Playing it real Paying it. Yes. good. What does playing it real? mean this is terminology terminology you've made up. It's a terminology that we teach at the studio about acting and making it real and doing the work to get there. Paying. The work real the work. the work. Okay because no matter what you are supposed to you got a script and oh gosh, I have this mask that turns my face screen have to it real You have to make that real. Okay. I have a question. Yes. Is this real This is real. It mean, this is a real conversation that we're having with real people. How do I know you're not a podcaster pretending to be a podcaster? How do I know that he's not somebody somebody else that he's not, I don't know if he's being you guys ever before you and I have met several times. Right, But but she's saying She's saying right But She's agreeing with you, I think.ight Right. Right. But but I thought she was saying right as a question. I don't know R? Right She keep saying right Right don't We don't know, right? That's the thing. I'm not getting I'm way less clear this far into the conversation about what acting is Wrong. No You're more clear. We've learned, right We've learned that acting is what aying playing keeping it dead playaying it real Do the work. Do gott to do the Doing the work to play it real. to play real. Right. And that's your process. That's my process. to play real. Yes. Yes. I mean, I am a casting director and I, you know, when I was doing that type of work for video games casting video games voice acting. That's mainly what you cast. Mainly video games, yes, right So it's like the cutscenes where people are like, Hey, we got a real Red deead Redemption going on. No, notot just the cutscenes. No. those are old video games. Now in these video games we have beautiful actors, Oh, beautiful actors delivering beautiful lines as orcs as you walk around the world or elves, perhaps, each the land is populated with voice actors that will talk to your character Okay. so this is like you see a merchant or something. Right. We've had a merchant on the show before from a video game and they come up to you and they go like, Hey, I got all this kind of stuff for Right. Yeah. you want to buy some of this? Right That's the example of what it would sound like if someone had not done the work. Oh no. way you'd think that I that read I just gave you was Was false? R right. What could I do to improve it? Well, what are your methods I still don't know what your methods. All right. I'm glad you've asked. The work. I mean, it starts with the work. starts with the work. what? Something that scares you. Women Uh Um Simes U what is something that scares me? Oh I'm very scared of heights. Wrong? No. Do heights have teeth Do Do heights chase you around and have teeth? Yeah, that's a good question, Ed. they don't. They don't have those things. But they can kill you. I got something. I'm scared of a vampire who dies because like a vampire hunter kills them and then they become a vampire ghost. Wrong. No. They have teeth? No do they do And they chase you around. Yeah They have they have fur Do they seem cute and cuddly at first? and then you go up to them and then suddenly there's a pack of them swarming you? Wait, so the only thing to be afraid of is werewolves and coyotes? No, no. Do they seem cute and cuddly at first? and then suddenly they start petting it and then it's chasing you down Low feelless boulevard. A that the Gremlins? No wrong. No. No, it sounds like you're describing coyotes. Right So coyotes. No, wrong. So what? so something coyote Dogs. Dogs are scary. They will kill you. Not all dogs. Most dogs, not so. I was on Los Felist Boulevard petting a dog. Okay And I got chased down the street by that more dogs kept coming up to each other and starting to chase me down the street until I had to hide in an ASOop So first of all, I don't know that in what an ASOop is, but your'ar soap store. R. right. O isnt they call it soap? Yeah, that's right. Right. Also I always thought it was ESOP you know, yeah, I't really know. The point is you're clearly scared of dogs, but you asked us what we're scared of. R. So are you not projecting your fear of dogs ono us? I am trying to get you guys to tap into places that you haven't tapped into before. Th the primal fears. The primal fears right R Okay So for example, let's say you were going to play in let's say an orc, right? It' by the way, you're very focused on orcs and elfs. Is this the only video game that yeah, Bom wants to know if they're real. They're real. It depends on how you play them, right? Right. I got. But but why don't you give like the three of us an acting exercise and you can seeee how we play it.. An acting exercise. Yeah. you know, I would love to do a scene with these. Me too. Okay, great. All right. Let's say you are an elf and you are a merchant and you are an orc, right? Lets right. Lets see Let's see how you play that scene.ure. What who's who again? I'm the ellf. I'm the merchant. I guess I'm the Orc. Okay. Right. All right Yet your apples, get your old timey apples right here. Who wants an apple? H, how much are your apple? Hey you're huge and terrifying. Well, I'm just a big cuddle bear underneath it all. Okay, so you're not trying to kill me? I'm not trying to kill just because of my appearance. You think I'm trying to kill you? All right, it costs four four gold nuggets for an apple One apple? One apple. You're fucking at. They're very rare. You out of fuckking Wh who who, who'll break it up. Come on guys. what's going on here Oh. you're cute. Thanks. canan I have an apple? man. Wait you just came over to say break it up just so line. Oh, you guys started to get into a little kerfuffle. Well, so what? That doesn't mean that you're next Well, here's the problem. We're haggling. Orc Yeah. Oh. Did you have a name? Yeah, you don't I don't call games are overwritten just L I just don't know what you name Steve. Steve. Okay, Steve and El. Steve Lamont. Okay, Steve LMontte. Oh my God. Wait Are you the Steve Lamont that's been leaving me notes I mean up, up Okay breakakingaking breakaking up Let me just explaining about my cart place more jazz. I think those I think those notes just say Steve Lll, by the way Okay, well, then you would you just knowing that makes it clear you are it's the same steage. You're the same stit. You can He's been complaining to the HOA about my c my apple cart placement and now I know who it is. He Bob, you want to cut and you want to Now I'm going definitely sell my one the one apple. I This is why ends are professionally staying in the scene. Bob, what did you want to say? Can I do a stunt? I got if this audition crossed my desk, I would throw it directly into the garbage. Well, why didn't you give us any fucking directions? You didn't do the work. This is what happens. We have lost all ability to do the work. All empathy. All empathy. I named the apples. I named myself. Yeah, I named him aud. I gave him a last name This is what happens. Oh yeah did Yeah. I get hundreds of auditions. I get hundreds of auditions like this a day. They cross my desk, I throw them right in the garbage. It was the pandemic. We had no empathy for each other, no empathy whatsoever. notot any of us have mentioned the pandemic since we've been here. Have any of you mentioned the pandemic? We're all just going around acting like this Did't happen? that it didn't happen that we didn't go through this And I would that Threw all these in the garbage. All right Puline, I'muling I'm sorry, we didn't mention the pandemic. We didn't she was acting Wa, where are you don't think real? was playing it real Oo. That was very real. That was very real. Okay. I look, I'm sorry we didn't mention the pandemic. I'm sorry, we didn't mention how we're all afraid of dogs. We have no empathy for each other. Okay.. Do you want us to try it again? It feels like we have work to do. have okay, what let's get into character a little bit. Okay right. All right. What is an orc by the way? That's exactly right? Does it fly No It's it's like a big troll or what is it? It' No a troll. No, a troll is what little girls play with that they get in McDonald's happy meals.ound They sound like Justin Timberlake. Okay. Yeah. do you know what an org? Anyone know what an org? I thought it was just a big scary guy that kind of like scary. likeike an ogre. Yeah, know. it's a planet. What makes What makes an organ W much more for work? Oh yeah, you're right. Mor is for more. Nanu, Nanu They are bloodthirsty, right? Orcs are. Okay. This is good and low.irst. Right. Well, you have to do the work. I don't know why you jped. I mean, you just said I was an orc.ight. I don't know what one is. All right, let's try it again. B bloodthirsty or. They are bloodthirsty monsters that will kill you. All right. G C apppples right over here. Do you have any blood I thirsty. All I got s. Oh look a dog. I haven't been this scared since the pandemic. Good, goodood. Yes, right right. It a nailing All he did was mention the pandemic and pretend like he's scared of dogs and that's how Like now he's getting the bar. musical Gentlemen turned it into a music don' fight. Right R He's just singing and that gets him. You are so resistant. Oh my go. All right. help help me those barriers man vulnerable I don't get it. I was just vulnerable. Give me one more chip. You were vulnerable. I was vulnerable. I admitted that I had a hard time in the pandemic. Yeah. You did. You any other strange pandem. Yeah like what's something what's another thing that you're scared of. R Well, it's not about me, right? Right Sure. But teacher R But what are you What what what's I know? O those RFK junior bonewormms. brainwormms. Right. Does that have bonewormms and brainworms? I would think there's smoke, there's fire. Yeah, that's true. He had a brainworm in his bones. Think seriously, if I'm an acting teacher and I'm here right now, what is something that might scare me? Failure? If you're on comedy bankupt, that's one thing usually my guests are thinking Uh Oh, um good like if Dave Grol walked in and did like a guitar solo, that might scare Llose. Oh, falling on your head. No whyy don't you just tell us instead of making us guess it? because I feel like this is gonna be very Knives. Right? No, not no. Murder close. Forgetting your lines. No.. Getust tell us wararmer? A zombie. No, o, coolder Oh, Bobcats mountain lions. Close? But no. Bobcats forgetting their lions. Working with kids and children. Whatout do Bobcat Colway. Being in a movie with Bobcat Colulthway. Wrong, right? U Wrong. That felt wrong, right? Right. Just tell us No Oh like a baby carriage getting pushed out into traffic.. That's correct a speeding car. It is. That's right. I got it's. Okay, let's do it. can we do it. see again again. Okay. Get your apples. I got your apples right over. Oh my God, there's a baby carriage Oh my go That's don't push it into traffic. Where's the pandemic? We've Health inspector. Okay. Listen, we got something about we got to re evvaluate your A rating Notice there's a bunch of Slurred oo around here. Well sure because we have the pandemic. Okay. Okay. But I An seene. An you think of that. That felt incredible. I want you all to take a second and be so proud of yourselves for going there. And wow. Yeah take two seconds. Vulner. Yeah. Being vulnerable like E, I really I really felt at that time. I feel like you got it got to a new level. Yeah I mean, that was really good work. Thanks. We don't talk about it We don't talk about what? The pandemic, right do. honestly when you tell it it feels like it comes up a lot. Yeah it does come up, Right? It does come Not enough, right? Be we hadn't mentioned it since I sat down. it's like we forgot what we went. When did you first move to L.A? Right? Can I ask wasas it March of twenty twenty? No, wrong, No. When was it? Clder. solder than what? Taking a stab before that. Let's see. Well, what other dates could I have moved? February twenty twenty? No Colder. Okay, yeah, you gota get me it colder or warmer. I don't know. June of twenty twenty. Closer Did you get COVID Did I get COVID? Well, let's find out. I am an acting teacher and I came here and sat down with you guys to do the work. Do we think that I got COVID? Yeah, quQite obiously I feel like you're experiencing long COVID right now. Right Right R R I gu. Yeah the right the way the way you say right is very confusing. R Be sometimes it feels like an affirmation and sometimes it feels feels like a chastisation. Yeah, like an accusation R Right S I think that would be very a good asset as an acting teacher because I'm not in the profession, but I feel confused and inferior and I want your approval and I would just keep in taking classes with you as long as it took until I got a little bit of a knot Now that is interesting. Now why don't we dig deeper on that? What is something How much money does he have? That's one question you need to ask, Bob because he's he has really bad credit. I'm auditing. I'm auditing class. Yeah. You have a negative Thousand credit score, I think and Yeah. And he has so many bills and he doesn't have a lot of just, you know, walking around money to take your classes. I'm so sorry. Do you think he would be willing to put down a payment even yet? Do you take David Buster's tickets? No. But I take something close. What would What is something that I would take instead of money for my class, right? I guess odd jobs, Sexual favors? No. o, I know. Oh maybe you could hook her up with twenty three and Steve. twenty three and Steve Wrong my mouth I'll bring it over to him I will do that, but it's not the answer to the question Wait please make us stop guessing. We're running out of time on this segment. What What is it? I would also take. having connections that would put me in a voice acting booth. Oh, oh yeah. Oh. But that's your job. I mean, right? Yeah, right I mean, you know, Ed here he has some upcoming voice work, I know. He just did Agent Elvis which is a show. you played Robert Goulet. That's true. And don't you have some animated movies coming out or something like that? U nothing new. You were in Big mouth. Yeah. I mean, I've done a lot of animation over the years. Yeah. But you've decided to stop doing that no. Do we need to put out a this is for all the casting directors out there. Ed Helmms is no longer doing voice work. I'm marking that down. No, no. I'm marking that down. I love doing voice love it. You love it Are you doing the work for it? That the thing is I'm not sure I'm doing the work. You gott to make sure your next and madeate character is scared of dogs and constantly references the pandemic. I'm obsessed with the pandemic And what was the third time? Oh yeah, sees baby strollers. Right scared of baby strollers being pushed into traffic. Right as long as you do those things and give Pauline a job. Yes. Yeah. That's doing the work. Yeah, I guess that's the work. That's the work, right. Wow. That's because I feel like I worked with someone that came out of your studio And they really they wouldn't do the lines. They wouldn't do No, is that what you suggest? They just were screaming about the pandemic. Right, Right. And didnn't that feel real and magnetic? Hm. Didn't you feel seen because we don't talk about it enough, right? Yeah, I feel like it comes up a lot U But how was it working with that person? It was off putting. It was tough to do your. Yeah, it really really it really kind of ground the production to a halt You had to ask them to leave. We recast the part. Yeah, R Really? Are you still looking? Yeah, no. Oh. No that yeah, No. All right. well Never mind. I mean I mean I saw your work today, Scott. It was I was. Hey, I did really good on the here's the thing, you definitely did the work, but I did not buy you as an orc I know, I didn't even know what it was but sc. What's going on? I think I got another ailment. Oh no, what's happening? but you I've caught the acting bug. Oh no. May I take your class? Remember how I was the health inspector? That just came to me. I really feel like I've got a knack for this. All right, well, I'm willing to pay for years of classes for Bob, right? Just so he doesn't hang around, right? It get stuck in your head, right? Once you start doing it, you can't quite stop, right? It's a little catchy, right? That's what I'm saying, right? You know, sometimes that was you adopting what we call character. That's something that Bob will learn in one of our classes. where you take something that's not quite v, right Oh I guess I can't quite understand. But here I'm willing to write you just a kind maybe I'll just make this out to cash. Cash? Yeah, that does that work? I'll just leave it blank. the amount Just fill it out later on your way to the bank. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, yeah. Yeah, right? Right. Yeah. All right. Well we are running out of time guys. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is of course, a little something called plugs Yeah If I had a plug bag Well, I put all pes of stuff. But I don't have a plug bag. So I guess I'll listen to CBB Okay And if I listen to CBB well let me tell you about it. You ready? Let's go It' a good I gotta stop listen to this show Ooh, that was nice. That was CBB gives me medical problems by Fatty Matty needs to eat Thank you so much. Fattyy Maddty needs to eat. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cBbworld dot com slash plugs and you can upload everything over there as well as find the stems for our remixes. Now, Ed, you are a professional musician. You were a banjoist. Yeah. What do you think of that plugs theme I dug that a lot. Right, very. I thought it had good licks. Tell me about your plugs, what do you got here going what's going on? I have all natural hair. Th these Oh not Is that true? really? Yeah Be no plugs. You seem to have the Joel McKale kind of thing going on for you. No, the really the only thing I'm plplugging right now is Snnafu. That's great. I do have some movies kind of in in the hopper, but Snfu, the definitive guide to history's greatest screw ups. There you go. That's your book It is wrote about it. That is my book and my podcast. Yeah. people can buy the book still, right? Yeah, absolutely. And it's a wonderful, charming. delightful and hilarious and informative book. It will make you a killer at dinner parties. Does anyone go to dinner parties anymore? I would love to be invited to to your dinner parties. That's so nice of you. Thankk you so much. All right, Bob Duca, what are you plugging here Well, I'm going to get beat up by junior high kids for charity weekend. Which charity is it? They didn't tell me. They just they told me it for. Gave you a time in a place. Okay, great. Yeah And also are you inviting us to that? Are you plug plugging it for Consider it plugged. Okay. So anyone can come by. You'll take all c. Yes. Yes. they need all the money they can get for.' good cuse. My friend Seth Morris has a podcast on this very network called College Town He also does a monthly show with his improv group called Dinosaur at Largo. It's athly just check it out on the internet. Okay, very good. Now Paulina, what do you want to plug? Obviously, your acting classes. Right Anything else th It is by recommendation only. so get yourself a recommendation and then you can come. Okay, great. Any else you wantan to plug? Yes, these two girls, they are improvisors who have done the work. They have an improv podcast called On and Isabella, do impprov. And at least one time an episode, they mention the pandemic It good I love this podcast And we're talking about the COVID pandemic, right? Right? Okay I don't know whether she was agreeing Well, that's great. Now what do I want to plug Hey, we're out there on tour right now. You can come see us live comedy Bang bang live, Paul F Tompkins, myself in the comomedy, Bang Bang all stars out there doing a live improvised podcast for you. Check the dates over at cBbworld. com slash tour Tickets are still available. This tour is going on through September. so check it out And while you're over there at CBB World, check out all the shows we have. We have the complete archive of Comedy Bang Bang all ad free. We have every live episode we've ever done. We have other shows like College Town was mentioned. We also have CBB presents where people from this show have their own shows. We have Scott Asn't Sen, where I watch movies, along with Sprag The Whisperer, so much going on over there All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Vous All right, opening the malice. parentheses Kiss Swe Chats ass and parentheses by Barnacle Joe. Thank you so much to Barnacle Joe And speaking of thank you, Ed, thank you so much for returning T Ters Club. Are we gonna make it three? do you think? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. When do you think that's had another fourteen years? Yeah. Yeah. Okaykayait was it didid you find the episode? It was twenty fourteen. It was twelve years ago. Wow Let's make it quicker than that next time. Sure. Let's a week. Come on. See you next week. Okay, takeake it easy. I'm too thirsy. And Paulina obviously, thank you so much to you and Bob You're going to be taking class from Paulina. That's right. How many How many a week You have to do five classes a week to really make progress and two audits. Well, hey, all I can say is get that security badge ready because I'm going to do the work I like to hear it, rightight? Thank said you li to hear it? I've rightved I'm love to hear it, R? And do I mean, is there anything he can be working on right now before the first class? Any like exercise that you ask your students to do before they come to class? I think you should get chased by a pack of wild dogs to really tap into what makes things scary Oh, I don't know. I've gott to take all this raw meat in my pockets over to the Hm