Completing the Pilgrimage and Final Reflections

Ai M, what is Hudjge It's basically aal Glastbury. No, Ali, don't dump it down for me. What actually is Haj? the fifth pillar of Islam, an annual pilgrimage? Ali, stop pandering I don't want textbook definitions. I want nuance and detail I've watched Slumdog Millionaire, I drink Mala tea and I've been to four entire Asian weddings. Tell me about hard luck's never been spoken about before. Allright, James Here goes nothing. I. That is the sound of intense worship from Mount Arrafant Millions of Muslims gather every year to perform their spiritual obligation known as Haj. In twenty twenty four, I was somewhere up there on that mountain. Haj, a word you may remember from RI lessons and still not know it has two Js. Haj has been top on my bucket list since I was a kid, just above learning how to juggle and solving a rubik's scoop. I know, bang in bucket list bro I always thought I'd do hudge much later in life, like properly old and grrey type situation. You know, like when they finally fixed the potholes in my area, when fast and furious stopp doing sequs or when people shut up about air fryers. But then you live a little and see a lot and your thinking matures. What if I never reach old age and I'm gone before I can complete the last pillar of Islam? What will I tell my creator Y'all laa, I didn't go hurge back and juggle. comeome on now Welcome to Hudge and seek, a journey where you find yourself but lose your patience and if you're my dad, your shose as well. True story, let's get into it Pudge and seek with Ali Chharlot Salams and Salutations, My name is Ali Shalon, AK Ali official, a comedian, actor and content creator. I'm a Muslim in a non Muslim space trying to be a Muslim, which can be tricky. It's like trying to be Halal in a casino. I shouldn't be here, but then slowly I realize that yo, they sell Kry here. And that wayit a serving is Asian and he's my cousin. And then together we take over the casino and turn it into a mosque Relax, James. We only turn churches into mosques. Islam isn't just a religion. It's a weird life. We call this life Dunya. This Dunya has many trials and tribulations. Islam helps inform even the decisions in my career.. I've turned down action rolls where on page one everything sceness for on, but then page ten, big fat kissing scene. I've been offered brandles from gambling companies and sponsorships from pork products. I can't do any of that. Although if you're listening in the future and I have done, just know it's only because my career is going really bad or the money is really goodad Haj happens once every year. It involves long periods of walking throughout the sacred sites in and around Mecca. The physical journey is an act of devotion filled of worship, remembrance, and patience. The reward for an accepted Haj is paradise. So you know, no pressure in it. Two years ago, I was one of five thousand UK pilgrims granted a Haj ticket, and I'll tell you now securing that spot was harder than Dooking Glastonbury Back in the day you' drink a Muslim travel agent and ask for hutch ticket and some uncle would sort you out like a mildu I've even heard stories from my elders who just rocked up in Saudi during hot season and booked their hotels whilst being there. That's that turning up to India versus Pakistan final and expecting to join the team on the pitch Mind you, things weren't always better in the old days. O top story. Police raid a travel agent in a crackdown on fake pilgrimages to Mecca. Now E year, hundreds of Muslim pilgrims lose tens of thousands of pounds through Haj fraud. They buy trips to Mecca, often costing their life savings, which then fail to material Today is very different. Since twenty twenty three to go to Haj youve got to go through Nusle When I first heard this, I thought Who the hell is this Musuk guy? But turns out, Musuook is an online platform run by the Saudi government designed to digitalize the Haj experience It's safe to say not everyone's a fan. In fact A lot of people feel like Sona, who wrote on Spiler Nask is basically depression you pay for. It's like buying emotional turbulence in bulk Jeez, Doubt nousook is on Sonya's aid list. Hate the platform or not, the reality is your visa, permit, flights, hotels, accommodation and transport must be booked via Nusuk. Basically Jet two holidays, Muslim edition. It's not straightforward though. There's a strict quota allocated to each country and you have to pay all the money for your trip into a digital wallet before you even know whether you've secured your place banks get twitchy about people stashing bags in Middle Eastern e wallets. I had to ring the fraud team Brian, you might have frozen my account. Can you like Unfreeze it, please No, Brian, that's why I'm calling. That prat was me. I mo the money No No, it's for Hj Not anymore. Now you have to go through Nusk Nussus not. Yeah, me and I are best mates You know, I don't blame the banks for being cautious because plot twist, my hard ticket cost me ten thousand pounds. Not for four people, ten grand for one person. It costs us forty grand for four of us forty grand is someone's life savings, a deposit on a house or a very, very cheap Asian wedding. At the time I wanted to go, I was broke. More broke than Woolworth's in two thousand eight. I kept thinking about Hutch, researching it and praying for it. Lo and behold, I landed two well paid TV commercials in the same year. Good news, money saw it Bad news, I'm sixty days away from that money landing in my account. The money then has to go into this e wallet. At this point, I'm thinking can I do Hodjon Klana brov Now remember, Haj happens once a year. What month far, eh? Well, it changes. Muslims live by a lunar calendar, so the dates for Haj vary. You gotta start the moon for that, don't you? Exactly James. I'm impressed. I'm high of my third Kac Chai. When I had the itch to go Haj, I reached out to an acquaintance, Yusuf. Yusuf has been to Haj ten times B Blooddy Brian from Fraud never called this dude. Yusf from Glasgow is proudly Scottish and proudly Muslim, meaning he's basically hated by everyone Yusuf knows the ins and outs of Hj having been both pre and post Nusuk working as a guide for a hutch travel agent. In short My man's got a P hge D in this thing The best advice Ysef gave me was to join the Hudj Telegram channel So I did And straight out the gate I'm getting hundreds of messages a day. Bieve it or not, I'm reading every single one. My screen time is through the roof. I'm making Mark Zuckerberg look like he's off grid. This telegram channel is essentially a for. meembers ask questions and guides that work in the hodge industry answer. Questions like What would the food in Hodge be like O sandos are best for Hch. Why can't I mute to notifications for this group ine everyone But one message from the group admin sprung everyone into action. Hutch packages will drop soon. We advise those interested in purchasing a ticket to make an application complete with passport details on Nook as soon as possible Oh my days. packages would drop soon. I don't wantan to miss this booking window. Plus, I haven't actually properly told my wife and parents about this plan. When I did, I witnessed a real life telegram chat in my living room. How will we get the money for Hj? How am I supposed to get time off work? I don't even have walking sandals. I'm diabetic, what if I collapse? Am I even ready for Hj? Who the hell is Jusu They're looking at me like I've lost the plot. But with my newfound telegram research, I feel like the Martin Lewis of Hurge quoting numbers off the dome, but my family weren't convinced. So I channel my inner gar of Southgate, look my family in the eye and deliver the team talkk of my life. Guys, listen, money comes, money goes. Life is short, life is long All of this is just bunya What we have right here is an opportunity to invest in our afterlife. This is our time. This is our year. We gota trust in Allah but tie our camel too. and that is exactly what we will do When we accept defeat, when we haven't even tried yet N no bus Out of that five thousand quota, we will be four of them. Am I right And just like that, my dad's on his feet applauding. My wife's crying, and I'm feeling like I've just scored a penalty in the last minute. And then my momum says, But mine and your dad's passports have expired! I don't really swear. And even if I did, my mom's listening But it's safe to say the words going through my mind right now would make Gordon Ramseay sound extra hoal I'm in full panic mode. Will I have to RSVP to my divine invitation with a sauz M and dad can't come due to a technicality? No! Frantically, I do two online renewal applications. The website says it would take up to three weeks for them to arrive. Rada. I'm now in a race against the home offffice, the Saudi Ministry of Hge and my bank ballets. They're all halfway down the track and I'm still tying my shoelace Hodge tickets are divided into economy, premium and luxury packages. The biggest difference between the tiers is where your accommodation is located. If you pay top dollar, you'll likely end up just a couple of minutes from each ritual site while the cheaper packages will have you training for London marathon In a nutshell, same hudge, different step count Telegram will tell us when the packages will drop. And then it's fast as fingers first to purchase Forget who wants to be a millionaire. This is who wants to be a Hji, Hji I gotta click that checkout button before tens of thousands of other British Muslims. bro Do I need to up my broadband speed? Imagine your place in paradise is jeopardized because Virgin don't do fiber optic in your area Thankfully, I'm at least able to cross one problem off my list. My parents' passports ar. That felt like the best thing to come out of the home office since Pretty Patel's P forty five Now we wait for the packages Days become weeks and weeks become a home one Still nothing It's now Ramadan. I'm trying to fast, read Qur'an and go mosque o' glue to this telegram chat P got invited to parliament for Iar, but said no, that's not me flexing. I just can't risk it. What if I'm eat in amosa in the House of Commons and I miss the booking window to the House of Allah? My priorities are straight cars. A ticket to paradise is more important than a selfie in parliament. In hindsight, I could have actually gone becausecause the booking window wasn't that day. I missed out on free Birani, man But then a few days later, Inhalah becomes a Handalah is finally happening. I wake up at seven AM. Telegram is busier than Green Street on a Sunday twelve PM comes and no checkout bar One PM, nothing still. two PM, still nothing It guess later and later, I'm breaking my fast with my laptop on the dinner table. I'm even taking my phone to the toilet. Okay, that's not a big deal, I do that anyway. But the point is I've spent the whole day staring at free devices trying to locate a button that's harder to find than a halal meill in a service station. The guides also clarify that they're unsure where exactly the checkout button will appear So I'm basically playing a forty grand game of Where's Wally Now the website's placed me in a queue, my pass was not working and the platform crashed. All this before I've even packed a suitcase I'm tired, frustrated and impatient Then I know it. Boom, I see it. Check out I smack that button with a bismiller and then Nusu logs me out Congratulations. This email is to confirm that your booking has been secured on the Nusukhaj platform Hellaer. I'm crying tears of joy. I cannot believe we got in. Within minutes, all the UK package is sold out. I tell my wife the good news, she cries. I tell my parents they don't believe me. Together, all four of us are excited, and for once, no pizza is involved It tenth June and we're all on a plane to Saudi. I'm thirty five thousand feet in the air worrying about two things. One, can my mom and dad do this? I'm basically asking my diabetic parents to complete an iron Man in scorching heat with sandals on. Secondly, is my wife gonna annoy me? Before I could finish that fight, she already did After six hours, we land in Medina and head towards Masjidun Nabo, the second largest mosque in Islam, built by Prophet Muhammad himself, peace be upon him For the first time, I'm seeing, touching and feeling these remarkable places are symbolic to my f. Immedately, my anxiety melps into amazement. This was better than watching Shakib Bul Hassan hit six Everything clicked like I just solved a spiritual Rubiic skew ur hotel stood in the shadow of Masjidil Nabawi. I would literally be sleeping next to the second holiest site in Islam. I'm used to sleeping next extra three broken charges, so this was a massive upgrade. The reward for praying in Masjila Nabawi is equal to one thousand prayers. so me and my family wanted to maximize our short time here by gaining as many heaven points as we can. There were moments when tears would just gushed down l And let me tell you, bro, I'm not a cryer. The only time I cry is when Bangladesh losose in cricket. To be fair they do lose quite a bit. Point being, this was all very emotional stuff. And the mdest part, this was just the beginning. We spend the next few days in Medina praying and absorbing the sights. Medina has this calm serenity, unlike anything I've experienced before It feels like a home for your heart, which is probably how middle class white people feel about John Lewis This stage of our journey ends with the final preparations for Hj. Me and Dad each wrap ourselves in two pieces of white cloth known as Ghram, which looks and feels like two soft towels. One for your upper body, one for your lower body At a glance, you'd think we're heading to a sauna. We weren't, but outside did feel like one. Other than sandals and a backpack, you wear nothing else. Yes, not even boxes, brov. We got a full Scotsman on a stagdoo for this ting The Ahram will be my garment for the next few days. Little tip for any Hajis, makeake sure you whack some vaseline between your thighs, or chafing will have you walking less like a pilgrim and more like a penguin. At last, we jump on the Haramain bullet train and head to the city of Mekka. Our official Haj pilgrimage is about to start. First impressions of Meka, hot. Immediately you feel your foot fry in nature's oven Past the blinding sun and the sea of Pilgrims, something black and majestic slowly comes into focus. There it is right in front of me. the holiest site in Islam, the Kaba Every day, billions of Muslims lay their prayerat to face this black stone, and here I am, seeing, circling, and touching it to perform what's known as Umra, alongside the three most important people in my life I was a mad busy man. I can't even see the floor to take my next step The place is rammed with pilgrims. It's basically a field of whiteness. squint and you could be in a reform voter's dream From start to finish, this ritual took nearly three hours. That onemost as long as one Bollywood film At the end of this, My andm myad shave our heads for the first time as a symbolic act of purification, humility, and submission to Allah. Now not only am I feeling different, I'm also looking different, sort of like a Bangladeshi do in Johnson, but without the muscles, tats, or tequila I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I cannot overstay how hot it was. At the time this was the hottest hudge in history. The weather hit fifty degrees and we had just walked over twenty thousand steps under the unforgiving sun. It felt like we were hiking inside a McDonald's apple pie. Everywhere you look, people are struggling. We then migrate to Mina, the city of Tents, where we are met with the most amazing sounds Air conditioning, needed that. Now Mina is twenty square kilometers of high tech tents. More than one hundred thousand Mquilite canopies host two point six million pilgrims. That's the equivalent of thirteen Glastonbury festivals happening at once. The tents vary in size, some hold just a few people, others host hundreds but everyone who books a hodge ticket gets a designated spot. Men and women stay separately in Minno. My dad and me are sharing with twenty men of mixed ages. Each of us is allocated a small area with pecks for our rucksacks to go overhead and a single sofa bed we can fold out, which as it turns out, is a pretty risky process in a room full of brothers going commando. We're giving free hot meals a day, cold drinks, snacks and ice creams whenever we want It's basically a massive Muslim sleepover. Eone's in matching white pajamas, no one's getting any rest, and we've all got brain freeze from eating too many chocolate magnums Last, we've reached the central Plank of Haj. In the coming hours, pilgrims will gather for intense prayer, supplication, and repentance at Mount Arafat This is the pinnacle of our journey. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him said Tch is out of all Today we'll be reminded of the Day of Judgment, when mankind will be resurrected and gathered in crowds, stripped of worldly status and attachment left with nothing but our deeds We we have a problem. To get to Arafad, we need to catch a coach, but my mum and wife are nowhere to be found. You're probably thinking, Ali, how do you lose two ladies in a crowd of two million people? I'll tell you how easily. They're not answering my calls. They haven't sent any messages now I'm starting to worry. The heat wave is deadly. O If something terrible has happened And That's when I remember I have a secret weapon A very particular set of skills. skkills I've acquired over a very long career So I will look for them and I will find them because I made sure We all put airtags in our bags. That's right, my wife rolled her eyes and called me extra months ago when I pitched these stalker style tracking devices. But now who's laughing, eh? O we're not laughing, But still, sure enough, I open the findind my app and it shows my mum and wife still in camp. At last, an anxious voice answers the phone. I just about make out what my wife is saying tr Yeah, the signal wasn't great. She said Ali we were lost in camp, and my heart sank. But the coach driver is about to set off. So I'll make a split decision. We ditch the girs and do it alone, lads on tour all aboard the banab busus. Oi? Did you actually Alie? No, James, I'm kidding. But the coach driver was seriously about to leave, so I tell Dad to stay on board and head to Arafat while I go and find the girls A few of the brothers on the coach offered to keep an eye on my dad and I set off on my Mission Iossible Minute edition. I'm navigating in this maze as if my life depended on likeack a stressed and sweaty pack man. My wife says they need their clinic. I speedwalk there whilst keeping them on loudspeaker. I turn a corner and boom sharkalcka. There they are. Rief washes over me. I'd say they feel the same, but they know they're going to enjoy my airtag smokness for the entire coach trip to Arafa. So I sense they're a little less enthusiastic. At last we make the journey together and reunite with my The biggest dayay of Hj began with panic and we're all pretty shaken, but now we're together at Mount Arafad We're filled with gratitude both for this incredible journey and also for Steve Jobs innovation Mount Arafat is this high hill upon which the prorophet Muhammad peace be upon him delivered his final sermon. While you're there, you feel this powerful stillness in the middle of millions. All the noise of the world disappears. E step, every hardship, and every tear has been leading to this single conversation of Allah. I pulled out my list of things I wanted to ask my Lord and slowly read them Time feels suspended. The past, present and the afterlife all seem closer than ever before I feel completely exposed, yet completely held. Nothing could ruin this pure moment until some Aunty ellered me for some more space. That experience didn't end when I left A ofart, Rather, it continues to live inside me every single day After a long day at Arafad, we now move onto the next part of ahaj called Musdaliifa. Here, you sleep in an open field under the stars. Sounds romantic, but it's chaotic. Imagine having to sleep on the floor alongside two million people There are rocks on my back, a foot in my face and some dude snoring like a sound checking Wumblely arena. And to top it all off E Ali. I can't find my sandals. I didn't think I'd have to airtag footwear, but dad lost his shoes. Luckily though, I listened to a telegram user who said pack a pair of backup shoes just in case. We found out what just in case means in real time Before we can attempt any sleep, we have to collect some pebbles for the next part of our hudge. Spoilerller, it's not a hot stone massage. Once that's done, I jostle my way into some space on the floor with the aim of sleeping slash defending my family from the sandal snatcher. As I'm about to drift off is Fudger Dawn prayer time I'm so tired, man Barely see. But one look at my wife tells me we've got bigger problems. Her face is whiter than my Aham She's hardly eaten, surviving in on adrenaline and zomba water There are two ways to go back to Mina. You eith a walk which is over an hour in the heat or you take the bus Now we're packed inside this crowd like sweat sardines and everyone's trying to get to the front. My cute etiquette disappears faster than the vaseline between my thighs. Elbows are flying, toes are getting trampled, and every time a bus appears, the crowd surges forward. It madness. Suddenly, I feel the carrier bag of bananas I'm holding get snatched from my hand I spin to face the culprit, ready to give it some pray for her. You can take my sandals, but you'll never take my bananas. Only to see a woman open it and vomit inside. We were in an open field. She could have chosen to be sick anywhere on the floor but did it in my banana bag. Nothing in the telegram chat prepares you for that type of horror. Thenre out of nowhere My wife loses consciousness and collapses in my arms. She is alka. I start screaming over the crowd. Everyone, make some space. I have an emergency. Brh? No one moved. I look around desperately and spot a brother who has a wheelchair but isn't using it. He was literally stood up I don't know if Hudge healed his limbs or he's taking a break from benefit fraud. Either way, I shout Bother is it okay if I use your wheelchair? My wife just fainted. Yeah, bro take it. I just wanted good parking in it. My unconscious wife is now in this wheelchair and all four of us slowly get to the front of the quebe just as a bus pulls up. Now, in true Bollywood style, I have to carry my wife up these mahhusive bus steps. My wife is skinny, but for some reason, that day she ain't heavy As I'm climbing these steps, my knees are popping that bubble wrap left right and centre. I'm there praying and hoping that my haram doesn't come off. I don't want to traumatize two million Muslims, and I definitely don't want them to think they've sighted the moon for eith. Finally, I lay my wife down on the bus and hear the doors slam shut behind me, and that's when I realise My parents are not on the bus. Panicked, I start banging on the window, but it's useless. I'm shouting at the driver. Where are my parents? But the guy doesn't understand. The crowd has swallowed them. I can't see them anywhere. My wife's lying there unconscious. my parents are missing, and some random woman has been sick in my banana bag Everything goes from one hundred miles per hour to super slow motion for the first time on this entire journey truly feeling hopeless then out of nowhere. A you stupid. We're here Alama. Mum and dad appear through the back door of the bus and give me a huge hug. I'm overcome with relief. Everything's going to be okay. I sit them down just as my wife starts to regain consciousness. I gently brush the hair from her face and smile. She then looks up and says a phrase I'll never forget. Ali, I'm going be sick. Where's that banana bag? And someomehow we've made it to the final stage of a Haj, Jamarat, where thousands of pebbles shower down on these enormous rock structures. We're out in the deevil family. When Prophet Abraham was on his way to sacrifice his son upon Allah's command, Satan tried to stop him. Not once, not twice, but three times because. Satan basically invented pop up ads. Each time, Prophet Ibrahim rejected the devil by throwing stones at him Now, we re enact that moment by casting stones at the threeree pillars in Jamarad. It's like the most organized and dangerous group therapy in history. Thousands of us pout these pillars with full force. It's an incredible sight, unless you're a health and safety officer. I shave my head again and remove my achram, changing back into my normal clothes Over the next few days, our journey draws to a close We pelt pebbles twice more and circle the carber for the last time Harge is now officially complete on the rela What a roller coter of a journey with the most steps my phone has ever seen We're exhausted, happy, and amazed we haven't all fallen out Family trips usually end in arguments, but this was an exception Maybe because we didn't have to order pizza. Clyate, what a journey. twowo years on, how'd you feel Well, the coughs have gone and the blisters have healed Part of me still feels like I'm in hudge Still walking between the tents, still looking up at the skkyous Dalifa. Still not wearing any underwear. What? No, St feeling like I'm in Arafa Even now when I meet someone who's performed Hudge, we immediately connect and trade stories We laugh about the stress of trying to navigate Nusuk. I'm telling you, Muslims compete over who waited on Nusuk the longest like is the trauma Olympics. And that telegram group, I still haven't left it, you know? Don't get me wrong, I've therefore turned the notifications off, but I like to lurk and scroll in there every now and then. I'm basically a retired pilgrim checking in on the new recruits, watching the chaos from a safe distance and liking any comment that says takeake a spare pair of sandals Having that group on my phone Reminds me of a version of myself who said yes to an invitation from a watchatch the impossible fall into place Hage taught me that patience has a pulse. hardardship has reward is the greatest If you're thinking about going Hudge, Id say do it sooner than And when you do go B two banana bags. Pudge and Seek was written and performed by Aie Charlon and produced by Victoria Lloyd. It was a mighty bonny production for BBC Radio four. Aical language can seem archaic. It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. Sometimes bamboosly. It's a theme park with a five foot log flume from one thought to another. I very often beyond words. I don't know how to describe the language like use. I'm amad Unuchi. I'm all reset and turbble charged to stress test to destruction