Rage Rooms and Final Thoughts

Hello and welcome to Ian Smith is Stressed, a comedy show all about my stress and my misguided attempts at relaxation Sit back and relax. Unless you're on a stool in which case, please do not sit back. If you've already sat back, I apologize Just wait for the ambulance to arrive And then when you get in the ambulance, sit back and relax. Try not to focus on the fact that you're losing blood and focus on how warm the blood is. Now, this is series two So obviously I didn't find the seecret to relaxation first time round, but I think this series I'm gonna crack it. I've left no stone unturned. In fact, I've unturned all the stones twice, which actually means I've sort of returned the stones to their original positions Well I've left N stone unreeturned I'm always stressed. I even found writ in this show very stressful I wrote lots of documents on my computer, Inmith is stressed, new ideas. Inn Smith is stressed, plans for twenty twenty six But I'd been using the acronym for Ian Smith is stressed. So those documents actually said ISIS. plans for twenty twenty six. ISIS newew ideas. ISIS the final assault Long story short, my front door was kicked down by forty anti terrorism police officers And let me tell you, it's hard to relax when that happens. I tried to explain radio four to them, but they were much more of an LBC gang I've been in my firstair share of stressful situations I once had to buy Anusol. You don't need to know why And I went into a pharmacy and I asked someone at the counter for Amosol and they walked me over to the shelf where I realized I could have just picked it up myself, used a self service checkout machine. But instead, I look someone in the eye And I basically said, Please help me, I've got a problem with my ass Stress is everywhere And you can't escape it by going to Europe I once went on a city break to Paris. I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend. I ordered something on the menu written in French and when I ordered it, the waitress repeated that order to the room and everyone in the room went That is a stressful situation That is not a good sign Long story short, I'm pretty sure I ate cow's brain I can't be one hundred percent sure because the w doesn't let you choose the cow in a tank like you do with a lobster. Partly because of the size of the aquarium and the teaching cows to scuba, it just wouldn't be cost effective. And I'm not condoning eating cow's brain. You know, I don't recommend it, it tastes weird and also now I seem to have taken in some of the thoughts and memories of the cow. That's a risk with eating brain, I'm afraid. It's given me a craving for grass and an attraction towards bulls that I cannot explain or resist I've learned everything I know about relaxation by copying and pasting a How to stop smoking book into word, finding all the uses of the word smoking, smoke or cigarettes and replace them with being stressed. I found this works perfectly fine advice wise. That's why now, if ever I feel like going outside to have a few being stressed, I put a pencil in my mouth to replicate the feeling of being stressed And if anyone offers me a being stressed, I simply say I don't being stressed anymore. I've also started wearing a nicotine patch and I chew nicotine gum and cards on the table I am addicted to both of those things this week I'll be talking about moving house and my transition into the world of being middle class. And I've always been a working class enorner. No that's who I was. I've never been middle class. I remember the first time someone asked me ever had a be day I'm like, yeah, thirteenth of September every year We've all got feeders And I think this is a good example of my working class background. and the first line of this story is going to make it sound like I'm about to tell you something far more traumatic than I am So when I was in primary school teacher blindfolded all the kids and made us touch some fruit That is what happened. It was fruit. It was only fruit It wasn't a o banana. Banana every time, sir. It was fruit We were learning about texture The the only way we know how up North apparently blindfold some children, put an orange in their hands, see if they can tell it's an orange and the feel of the orange I've got this fruit in my hand and I've got no idea what it is And the teacher' getting impatient with me, he's going, comeome on here Come on, what fruit is it No one has ever shouted that at me since, by the way I't why he's angry. He put the blindfold on me. I haven't caused this situation So it whips the blindfold off me I'm I'm looking at this thing. I've got no idea what this is It was an avocada. This is nineteen ninety five in the north of England We don't have avocados Horrible lesson. One poor kid got bullied for the rest of school because he got Kumquat first girl But I'm getting impotion out. and I can't deal with it. I don't think I belong. I went skiing for the first time Yeah I was just so bad at skiating. I just kept falling over and at one point I fallen on the floor And someone who was good at the skame on a lot They they like glided past my body And they pointed at me and they said out loud He's got all the gear, no idea the gear no idea. I'm getting slammed In Ryme as well, the worst way to get slammed But that doesn't even make sense as an insult. I guess what they're saying is bought all of the equipment But he can't do the thing he's got the equipment for. That's embarrassing it? He's got all the stuff, but he can't do the thing he's got the stuff for Do you know what you need To try skiing for the first time All of the dear You need all the gear. The gear is a requirement of the slur They won' let you onto the ski slope if you don't have all of the gear on. And if all the gear no idea is the worst she can be, does that mean the best she can be Is none of the gear, all of the ideas You're going down the slope on your regular shoes like that, though, right? You donon't need any of that stuff This isn't even the thing that annoyed me most. and this shows you how middle class I'm getting. This is how middle class my problems are. I never dreamt I'd be able to have a problem as pathetically middle class as this. This was my big problem in January last year Come back from skiing. to discover I'd left my airPods in the chalet. Oh no. My airPods in the chalet. what next? My cravat still in the villa. Oh I can't read tonight. My molecle is in the shateow. So I had to get my airPod sent back to me in a package, but it also come with this postcard. And the postcard said, Dearan Maisie mentioned it was you who left your AirPods. Please find them in the package. We hope you had a good week despite your lack of skiability Why am we getting slaggged off in a puse card? Also a postcard It's the only completely readable bit of correspondence. Now my postman knows I'm shit at skiing And that's particularly humiliating because he delivered me all of the gear Honestly, middle class places A stressful for me I was actually involved in one of the most chaotic situations I've ever been involved in last year was in a very posh pub in Rye. place, nine tables spaced out And a couple left their table and a seagull come down. to try and grab some scraps of food, but there was nothing for it But the seagull it still wanted something So what it did is it picked up a steak knife When I buy the handle, And it start to fly off With the steak knife But the stirk knife is heavy. so it never truly caught flight. What it did was a very low. figure of eight above the beer garden while precariously dangling a steak knife and people were losing their minds Everyone was up off their seats like What do we do now Because no one knew what to do, because I don't need to tell you this, this is a brand new situation. No one has been through this before There's one woman about here, she's instinctively picked up her own roast dinner, put it above her head like a shield. There's hot gravy coming down her arms She's just taking the burn There's another man quite far on this side. he's dealt with it very well. He's just picked up his dinner. And he's gone into his car in the car park. and he's just eating his roast and off the dashboard watching the entire thing unfold like he's at a drive through cinema screening of it. The landlord of the pub runs past him. This guy he looks agitated, he's angry. and he says four words which tell you so much about this man's past, his present and his future. it just goes Jesus Christ again And we follow this poor man's eyeeline to the roof of his own pub where we can see a bird's nest that I would describe as eighty percent cutlery Now, as I come towards moving house, one of my big stresses about it is that your friendship groups get spread around. You know it gets harder to keep in touch with people that make you happy. Or is this just me? Am I bad at maintaining friendships as I get bogged down with the stresses of adult life? What can I do to improve? I decided to tackle these big questions with my friend Stuart Laws, but I wanted to do something fun becausecause as you get older, all you ever to do is go for a coffee Boring. I want to be young again. I want to do fun things. Just because I'm in my late thirties doesn't mean I can't go Lz a quest or go karting, so we are going go karting So what you are about to listen to is two friends G carting while simultaneously attempting to have a serious conversation with each other in a segment that radio four bosses described as an audio recording nightmare. And something that could sound and this is a quote, truly terrible I' met Stewart and we got the customary How wasour Journey chat out of the way right at the start as is required when two men in their furches meet each other W your was Jenn, know right Jetan was all right Three trains? Oh wow. Oh no, two trains and a tram. So I had to get the Piccadilly line get the district line. I could have gone straight the Piccanilly line Because I'm obviously northwest And so I went byland central in and in theory I could have gone Piccadilly because I'm sort of split halfway between let the flat sort of Yeah yeah betweenetween the met Piccadilly and the central line Stop Just a couple of guys catching up First up, like what happens during all good catchups with a friend, we had to have a safety briefing. Right, so stay in the car Do not get out unless we say, soir, because you're going on together No crashhing into each other or barriers. othertherwise you hurt yourself if you break the car We see hit each other, rounding each other off the track, A feel that we are chuck you off. sound fair Yes. Yeah, cool. So plenty fun, notot a race. now need to kill each other, okay? Okay. Yeah. Any questions. No questions from me I was also excited to discover that we hadd arrived at a go carting track for the stars. The most famous people we've heard is We had members from Tank that be here for a priv of Eendite way, way long ago like way before I started working here. and I don't know anything about to take that but I just know it was the members that aren't Gary Barlow or Robby Williams so that set. 're still good though. So after take that, it was time to put that a safety gear on And it's time to put that safety ge on And this is where I was once again shamed for having a famously small head This is like they say this is a normal adult. helmet Oh really? So they're getting the kids one out. That's nice. It's got Lilo and Stickch on it Yep, so with my head, face and brain currently protected by Disney character design We hit the track to burn some rubber and have a proper catch up But I immediately realized the big problem with my plan. How do you find How do you keep in touch with people? How do I keep talking people? How do you? I'm not talking people. They' tch with people. Hello This w is it. Yeahep, this was perhaps going to be one of the most incoherent interviews the BBC have done since Prince Andrew on News Night. We muddled on for a bit, but we were going in circles, both conversationally Well and in real life we were on a track. This was not working out how it' hoped. You're not looking each other in the eyes, are you? 'causeuse you're side by side and it's sort like you do another activity, you don't have to look each other in the eyes. It makes it easier to sort of have that heart to heart. because I think you know often people talk with men, would you say? Are you talking? Are you talking Yeah f it Are you saying something? What were you saying? Yeah, there was no heart to heart going on mid go carting and I shouldn have known that and the rain only made things worse. Well the rain's coming, the rain's coming so be careful here. The rain's coming. How do you know her? How do I know who? How do you know the rain? girlriend I you glfriend to call Becket. We stopped trying to talk after this and Stewart just started relentlessly lapping me because I was too slur and I was too scared of the slippery conditions When we got off the track, it was time to go home and I felt like we'd covered no ground at all It was very loud in they? I couldn't really hear what you were saying. Yeah, I think go karting is probably not the right place for a chat, is it? just Is it loud the engines are going. Also I was really focused. I don't know if you saw, I was absolutely focused on lapping you Yeah, well that's another reason why I was struggling to have a chat, really? if you're laughing meate. But my main question really is just How do you keep in contact with people? When everyone's moving house, you're go to all these different places. I find it very difficult To meet it up with friends are your sort of social life goir. I'm just wondering more what to do M I think just meet up for a coffee, quick chat, half hour, couple of coffes sometimes you go, that's a good little ketchup. U So a boring coffee catchup seems to be the only thing you can do, lesson learn apparently I'll be trying to stew it more later on And I don't want you to think, by the way, that I'm not happy that I've moved house. You know, as much as it becomes harder to keep in touch with mates, I'm delighted to be in my own place. You know It was last year when me and my girlfriend bought a flat and this was a big milestone in life. You know, we've moved to a nice area I know I'm in a nice area because I've seen Jason Stafam in my local MNS. Yeah must be doing something right. Stafam and Smith in MNS Every time I see Stapfam, we give each other a respectful nod You know what I mean? We're just two working class lads who have made it in the entertainment industry who know at the click of our fingers we could kill every other person in this MNS with our bare hands, both of us, that is both me and St Actually last time I was in the local MNS there was a power cut, but I was able to carry on shopping because I could correctly identify all the produce in the dark moving was very stressful. I'm never doing it again. never The house would have to collapse around me, and I'd still rather live on a pile of bricks than talk to another estate agent I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that estate agents are the worst people on the planet Thank you If there's any in the audience, obviously I apologize The security should have stopped you at the door I think the two things that would survive nuclear Armageddon are cockroaches and estate agents. There were reports that only hours after the bomb had been dropped on Hiroshima, estate agents were already listing portions of the irradiated wasteland on Zoopla as a super hot investment opportunity In a vibrant area full of character But then you have to pack up All your belongings. You know seeing the entirety of your worldly possessions reduce to a number of cardboard boxes Two of which are just filled of empty goo ramkins I'll use them for something. I will You art fully package it all up and then you hand them over to two removal men who treat those boxes like they're nothing but an excuse to practice their real passion of competitive shopput We had two removal men from Poland. and I realize as soon as you start that sentence, people are going, Ohh God, what is he going to say Don't worry, this is a compliment. they spoke perfect English these guys. and I'm always in awe of people who can speak more than one language. Like as English people, we're really put to shame with our inability to speak other languages. These guys were fluent There was only four words that they didn't know in English, only four, and it's just a shame that those words were fragile and this way up We stayed in an Airbnb for a few days before we moved in And it always feels a bit weird living in someone else's home and this guy was not happy with us when we left. He was very angry. He sent us a very angry message about the dishwasher. He said he was concerned about whether it would work again because there were some bits of food in his dishwasher filter I think is part and parcel being a dishwasher filter He said, and I quote, Upon further inspection there was a piece of mushroom some bits of tomato And I quote An entire chickpea. Oh no An entire chickpea. Is there a more prophetic pair of words than entire chickpea I can't think of a scenario where an entire chickpea would be genuinely shocking M maybe if the hospital rang me up and said, Ian, we've got your blood test results back. You're not gonna to believe what we found Oh An entire chickpee And you might be thinking Ian. I hope you're not using radio four to air your petty grievances with an Airbnb owner. Well, but I'm sorry, that is what I'm doing. If you're listening Philip, I've recorded this whole series with an entire chickpea in my mouth. Just to prove how little difference that makes So it's fair to say this move got me stressed out And I didn't have an outlet for my frustrations until now I'm going to a rage room someomewhere where you get to pay to let it all out on inanimate objects. It's basically an IKA showroom where you're allowed to behave in a way that a visit to an IKA showroom makes you want to behave. With a blind destructive rage And in a bid to continue our friendship between the North and south of London, I'm joined once again by Stuart Laws. As I try and fail to get some meaningful chat about maintaining friendships from afar I could sense from Stewart He thought the traditional katchchup method of getting a coffee was much more ideal than what we were doing Yeah, I thought this would be good asha to Rage room. I'm not a particularly stressful person, so I'll probably watch you do it and get into it and that'll be nice and we can get a coffee after doing the and go and get coffee. How long did it take to get here from Risland? Just under two hours. It's gota stressch you out a bit in stress is just you sitting on a train, it doesn't matter Two hours, that's gott to stress your out habit. C on. If you're the sort of person like me, you don't let the every day get you down Stress you out a bit of that. comeome on, two hours. let's go smash up some plates. Then we'll have a coffee of this time, it is an one hour slot We went inside, we got kitted out with PPE because I seem to only socialise with Stewart while I'm wearing a helmet And we met Emelia, the owner of the rage room, who gave us a rundown of the rules of Rge. In your room, you can have the window, the speaker, the CCTV and the light. none of those things are included in your package. so please don't smash them. It's really important that you don't try breaking anything with your feet, so no stomping on it and no kicking it just because we can't guarantee your footwear. alright. You're welcome to throw st off at the two side walls, but do bear in mind things can bounce back at you to make sure you leave plenty of room between you and the wall and each other in the wall. alright. Now I don't know how much smacking with a crowbar you not have done, but there is a knack to it, alright. So when you're using a crowbar don't hold it up here because if you do it's going to come back and smack you in the elbow make sure you're holding it down at the bottom With two hands because they are heavy. With the hook end at the top so that you don't accidentally hook yourselves in there All right, and obviously, if you're swinging it about in there, make sure none of your mates are in the way. If you knock any teeth out in there, we won't find them again. All right, good question That's a pretty intense safety briefing. So now we're experts on wielding a crowbar I was curious to find out what sort of people like to rage. Yes, we have everybody from all backgrounds, but The biggest, biggest group of people is women between twenty five and forty five. There's so much pressure on everybody to be perfect all the time. Back in the day, the husband would be out at work, the wife's time just takes care of every me now She's supposed to do allder that Keep the kids in check, keep everything perfect, hair and nails perfect. Everything's got to be Instagramable in a minute. You can't complain, you've got to have the best career Everything's just kind of piled onto everybody, so everybody's struggling under the pressure of that, I think That's right, lurdies You're the most stressed out group So on behalf of you, me and another man are going to smash up some crockeries. For the sisters While I was in there It was weird the things that you realize have got you stressed out S you something annoyed me Recently Stuart, I was in co op and I'm getting a croissant from the big draw croissants and I'm using my fingers. I'm not touching any of the croissants. I know what I'm doing. I've got crocants before and then one of the staff members shouts over at me Yeah Tongues Tongir. Wh's the tonger I think gu I can pick a across on them thirty six I just remember I'm thirty seven And after we smashed a whole punet of heart IB for mugs, I think even the previously calm Stuart unlocked something from within I went to the cinema the other day Lge popcorn and a large drink please. I'll have a Coke and a salted popcorn. They put it through and they said, What drink is it? I just told you. popcorn? So I've already said it too. It was eighteen pounds ninety nine Listen, I'm not one hundred percent sure that what we're doing was healthy. But it felt good. Cinemas are expensive. Tongues are stupid. Friendship is good After we'd finished demolishing a commemorative diamond Jubilee plate, we calledu up with Amelia to find out the origins of rage rooms. It actually started because our eldest son's got PTSD and because the NHS waiting times are so long for mental health help, especially for children, his dad and I looked online to see what we could do to help him from home And everything said rightite all down on a piece of paper and set it al and we kind of thought we can't let that boy near fire. So we what else can we do, you know? So we came up with the idea that he could write on a plate and smash it to pieces. When we suggested it to him, he was like, what really? L it was naughty, it was fun, but it was effective So from there we ended up going to schools, public events and stuff and everybody was writing all their troubles on playate and smashing it to pieces. Now that the dust had settled and we'd watched the work experience lad very sadly take a broom into the room and clear up after our session. Sorry about that, Darren. I wondered where all these bits would end up. And what happens with the everything once it's smashed? Where does that go So if we divide up what we can, all the metal goes off to be recycled, all the batteries come out before they go into the raid room, so they all go off as well to be recycled and then the rest will go we have one company that's like a mosaic company that comes and collects bits just to try and make something pretty out of something so smash. You get all of our smashables from charities. So when you dump your old junk at the charity shop and they can't sell it, like whereere's it going to go? So we buy all of that off of them. So I think one charity al line we gave over thirty seven thousand two last year So by coming here, you're not just releasing your own energy, you're not just supporting a small business, but you're also supporting several charities as well. What sort of mosaic would you like? like with your face I'd like a meraic of us smashing stuff. Yeah but in the middle of St. Albans. Yeah planning him So after potentially creating a new piece of art with our rage Maybe that wasn't the only productive thing we'd done Sure, we hadn't spoken about not seeing each other as we move around, but we had hung out more than we have in a while. So at the end of the day, I think all you can do is make an effort to travel to each other and do things, you know, Keep messaging, checking in, keep those connections alive And as I watched Stewuart a porcelain depiction of ER from Winnie the Poo into a flat screen TV while shouting about the staff at his local cinema I remember thinking to myself We're going to be all right You only get out what you put in Unless it is a raid room, in which case whatever you put in does not come back out. Remember, moving house is the most stressful thing you can do besides losing a loved one. So my top tip, if you're moving house, Kill a loved one just before That way, the stress of that. We take your mind off the stress of moving And if you're listen to this while packing up boxes for a big move, just remember before you go. You gotta check the dishwasher for chickpeas. This is Bennan Smith is dress. Good night L. This dressing Smith Material from M Shepherd and Rhannna Shaw Theroducer was Benjamin Sutton and it's a Daddy Superod production for BBC Radio four Thanks for listening to Comedy of the Week. If you want to hear more episodes of Ian Smith' Stressed, you can search for it on BBC Sounds Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of just a minute? Belting out a rendition of Godab topic O our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoey Lions, Desrai Birch, Paul Merton and many more for the new series of Just a minute with me, Su Perkins think it is true Listen on radio forward and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.