Guessing Movies From Unusual Reviews

This is One Pers Families Helpful with me, Frank Skinan P and F is helpful, The show where we look at online reviews all genuine and sometimes people write great long screeds about what they've just bought. Other times they're more succinct, like this person who purchased a three thousand watt electric meat grinder with two stainless steel blades, four grinding plates and a kibble kit and simply said I was able to process an el So please welcome our four star panel. On my left is D Alam and Pierne Nvelli and on my right is Zoe Lyons and Hassan Alib this' been a show all about reviews. I want to ask the panelists if they've ever been put through the mincer by a critic And if so to share it with us now, starting with Hasan I had this is the feedback I got after my first gig at university. Older man comes up to me and he says, That was that was very, very u That was very good English. I said sorry, what do you mean? He said Are you not here on that ten thousand pound refugee scholarship? I said, lookook, my dad came to this country from Iraq to study for a PhD in engineering Um He raised my sisters and I in the West Midlands And we've never even been to Iraq So let me ask you a question, sir Do you think I'd still be eligible Because for ten thousand pounds I'll do an accent. We had to flee. No bin collection very unhygienic in B What about you, Pierre? I'm on tour at the moment and the t up listed in the Garden, which is a new thing for me and that's never happened before, but in the listing, in their recommendation, back to basics observational comedy, no overarching themes. whichich is like a review of gothic architecture. And not true. You almost says so an elaborate Baroque act. Very unfair to the Guardian. Why aret they so bitter? I read one recently and it says something like life changing drama three stars What about you, D? Well, my worst ever review was actually from a romantic partner. It was my first relationship that I was in. I was like eighteen years old and in hindsight, that relationship was never going to work You know, because I was a woman and she was a harlot Basically I could feel it failing, so I tried to make a big sort of gesture, like win her back. And I something important to know about my girlfriend at the time is that she was Kurdish. The Kurds are like an ethnic group from the Middle East. They're very proud of their own culture and particularly of their own language. So what I thought I would do as a sort of a big romantic gesture, is spend six months of my life Learning. heard it I could and surprise her with a little speech. so I found a man. online called Camal often like Kurdish Tutoring He we put together still speech. I go over to a house Christmas dayay And I say the first line of this speech which was thetwan subkambarkii, which means I have been learning a little bit of Kurdish I got your nice say The Tam subomearak Kuri And she looks at me, I'll never forget this She looks at me and she says Well? So I say again and she says, Are you feeling alright? And I say, No. And it turns out that Kamal has taught me a very specific dialect of Kurdish, which is not mutually intelligible With the very normal kind of Kurdish that my girlfriend speaks at home. So I on, come on. Any Kurds in? That's terrified a few passers by. I got domped by a woman. We were naked in bed together and she said, lookook, I need to I can't carry on with this. I need to tell I've been se seeen someone else It's all over And I remember I got out of bed immediately and put my pants on and then got back into bed. Almost as if to s right where you won't be seeing that again You got any nightmare reviews, s? Yeah, many. I mean, I tend not to seek out reviews, but occasionally you have reviews thrust upon you The worst place I found for that, of course, is D Edon Professal as a comedian. I just finished the show. This is why I never use public toilets anymore I was in the middle cubicle of the Ladies' Ls and two women came either side of me in other toilets and then just continue to absolutely destroy me Did you like her? I didn't like her. Did you like? I didn't like. I didn't think she was very funny at all. I didn't think What did you think Saron? I didn't think she was very good. I hope the next person is better than that. And I couldn't leave the loooo and I thought, well Clearly I live here now. this is where I live. I was going to spend the rest of my life in a middle cubicle in an Edinburgh toilet. In the end I resorted to just writing on a piece of toilet paper. I quite like to the Oh Okay, this round's called What Am I Watching and it's about films For every film there's an opinion, although sometimes the opinion is a little unexpected. L this person reviewing the nineteen ninety four classic, The Shaw Shank Redemption Near perfect movie, moving, humane The scene where Andy DeFrame plays Solaria from the Marriage of Figaro is perhaps the suupreme tribute to men transcending their surroundings. My only objection is that prisoners would fart a lot more I'm guessing I mean even solitary confinement is not without its freedoms. So each team is going to hear two reviews left by people who've watched a particular movie and they have to work out what that movie is. If they can't get it after two, I'll give them another review, but then they only get one point. We'll start with D and Pier And here's your first review and it has a philosophical bent It is said that no man can avoid death and taxes In this much praised allegorical film, a man tries to avoid death. Perhaps a film about a man avoiding taxes would have been more amusing Well, Jimmy Carr is very funny. Y So any ideas? Is there one where specifically theyre trying to avoid the reaper I only a terrible film called Meet Joe Black where Brad Pitt plays The Devil and he speaks in Jamaican patoir to an elderly black lady M It's very good. I don't know if you've seen it this really. I suppose you know. I suppose if you're the devil, then no one expects very much from you in the way of morality. S ye I think we need a second review. Okay, here comes one. If you're going to watch one of the old classics and want to know where that scene with death comes from in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure You should be able to get through this film A. I think I know at this. Oh Okay. Is it the seventh seal? Uh Playing chess against death? It is the seventh seal Yess Inmar Bergman's monumental nineteen fifty seven film where a Knight plays chess with death There's a very nice review that says, If Death nows out to counter the Sicilian defence, I am so doomed Some friends of mine at University put on a production of the seventh seal And there was a tech error And when in this very ominous scene where The Reaper leads the knight to the little table to play chess for his soul It was supposed to play kind of ominous sort of Gregorian chant And what it actually played was Blame it on the Boogie by the Jackson five. In one of the reviews, they said it's a very interesting choice. to contrast death with such funky tunes. Yeah ye. Of course as the Michael Jackson story developed, Oh God Oh God. Okay. Yes, the sevenh se Not everyone's a fan of the movie, like this reviewer who said, A guy a Hoodie announcing his death But he agrees to a chess game on a chessboard that just happens to be set up there. Then we cut to a few people sleeping in a sheep wagon. A guy wakes up, goes outside and starts dancing around Name one guy ever who woke up and failed to take a leak That's what I mean by pathetic directing I have to say when I wake up to take a leak, I'm often guilty of pathetic directing. Of course a lot of students have to watch it and some of them aren't happy about it like this reviewer hadad to watch this for a class in community college Only film school nerd snobs enjoy this shit. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you, Henry. We'll never know. Okay, Zoe and A san, a little bit different because you're going to hear reviews of a television series. So here's your first one. it's a bit grumpy The animation and art style don't resemble something a professional would do Everything is lazily drawn Their attires consist only of shirts for all the male characters and dresses for all the female ones, plain black shoes and no sleeves I have nothing against people who wear sleeveess shirts, but you'd expect at least one character with sleeves on If the males are only wearing shirts I don't think the thing I'd be worried about is that they didn't have sleeves. Any ideas? I'm really confused. So are these sleeveless animals? I think most animals are sleeveless actually. I mean, who doesn't like an orangut tang and a tank top? It's I just find if an animal wears a tank top, my dog's got a lovely tank top. It just keeps his arms free for, you know, playing ball, but I' haven't trying to think of an. It's got your dog's got arms Well, you know as well as the legs Very, very confusing. I think I might know what it is. Really? Yeah You can get a second clue Yeah, I think it' anything. that might hammer it home for you Some of them barely resemble their animal species. For instance, Blan and her family look more like striped bears than zebras Blank and her family closely resemble hairdryers. Is it It's. pepper pe. It's pepper pe? It's pepper pe T about a lovable family of hairdryer shaped pigs. I have to say once you've heard that comparison, every time you see Pepper Pig after you can see the hairdryer I will say head risees than polite comparison. There is a genital aspect to pepper pigs.. Remove one nostril I'm getting back. You want more clues? I know you've got it, but they're always fine, aren't they? What about this one from an American website? Whatever you do, don't let your kid watch it if you don't want them to turn out British. Anyway, at the end of that round, D and Pierre are on two points and Zoe and Hassan are on two points Okay this round is called Fahrenheit four hundred fif one star. Not every book can be a bestseller, but there's a book out there for everyone, like this one I found called Fancy Coffins to makeake Yourself published in two thousand by Dale Power, a woodworking enthusiast about which one reviewer said, prractice makes perfect So I'm probably going to make some for friends and family first. Even more worryingly, someone else gave it five stars and wrote in bllock capapitals, I have made three coffins and have ideas for more. It supp as you got keep your voice down, mate So teams are wanting to tell me about the most extraordinary books that would have been better left as a bit of tree. and I want reviews as well. We'll start with Zoe Right. Well, in a world where you think we've reached peak self help book, I will say nay to that and have discovered a manual for mental health, which has really fascinated me. It's called How to goodby depression if you constrict anus a hundred times every day The back cover of the book says I think constricting anus a hundred times and denting navel is effective to goodby depression and take back youth. It has to be said, this is a Japanese book that has been I'm going to say roughly translated into English. Can you ask the audience to wait till they get home before they try Well they could be doing it here. You can do it says Yeah, but I don't want it lte in the upholstery Sorry, sorry, sorryel. It this handy little mental health tip, you can do it at a boring meeting or on the subway. So why not? I mean it would have got me through my toilet review episode a lot better, I think. And it has come with reviews, this one. It gets a whole galy I was hoping it might. Yes, yes, it says A cursory look at this book would suggest that anus constriction is the main point of the book, but it isn't. We were hoping for a lot more anus constriction and we were disappointed. O star. I'm going to I might' star. Yeah one solitary brown star. Oh Somebody else another one star review here said my husband bought it for my thirty fourth birthday I do not recommend anyone buying this as an actual gift. There sad tale there. But yes, it gets the full raays of ratings and somebody's obviously very impressed with it said, This book has helped me through some tough times Not only has my mental health improved, but I can now open bottles without using my hands five star review there.. Okay. Asat what about you? Well I mean this could be useful for people, I don't know who we've got in the audience today. Managing a dental practice The Genghis Khan way. It's by Michael Youunng, who probably also authored classics like Running yourour own Nursery Lessons from Vlady Ialo. The book says that the Mongolian warlord is relevant because Genghis Khan is one of history's most charismatic leaders, which sounds like it was written by people who have recently been conquered by Genghan. The Fward states Whether the Tartar you're into is plque build upp or the various tribes on the steppes of Mongolia This book has you covered and then there's some very nice reviews. I bought this book to fill in the gaps left by dental school Uful tips for practice administration, staff management and laying siege to the city of Baghdad. And finally, I suspect the only thing this book has to do with the great leader is Genghis is how you pronounce the word dentist When you're in the middle of having a filling done. what have you found Dee? Well, I found a book that I think has probably inspired more Tars more pain and more misery than any other book but perhaps ever written. It is of course, the GCE Geography AQA Complete Revision and Practice Guide. I don't know if you picked up it's an amazing read. It's actually rated number one in science books about weather for young adults. pretty good. It's actually beaten in second place a book, which is a real book called My first Tornado, The Skies's Big Surprise. Quite the twist in that book. let me tellll it Thank you so much. But it's an amazing little revision guide. L lots of topics covered. Each topic comes with its own case study. So urban planning, they' got a case study of Birmingham Urban decay, case study of Birmingham. Natural disisasters, Birmingham. We get it. I've got another eight more. I we've got some lovely reviews,Quite a lot of children reviewing the book, just sort of complaining about having to study geography or just generally not doing real well. so I've got one star review that just says I failed. that review was on the fifth of june, twenty twenty five, which was one day after Paper three of human geography. So it's before the results came out, but he knew that f he really didirectlyar to him. I got a fourth R review from some somethingone called Peter who says Daughter seems happy more a review of his relationship with his daughter?. You could have asked. Yeah, it just screams every other weekend, doesn't it? it. You should pick it up if you haven't seen it so. What I have a habit of killing things with a bleak anecdote, but I had to walk out of my CSA geography because I had a hangover And man the teacher had to watch me be sick in case I'd hidden a textbook in the toilet in your stomach. Y Luckily it had been dissolved. Okay, Pierre, what you got? I chose Jesus on Gardening by David Muskot It's a book of Theological musings by Vicar based around how often gardening does come up in the parables of Jesus, which is a lot to be fair, We' got a lot to work with. No Amazon reviews, lots of in book endorsements, but they are all from other Men of the cloth, which seems a bit suspect. But it is one of the few books available without a Stehen Frery cover quote. that does make it unique. If you look at the chapter list, some examples of chapters in this book are Jesus on Soil Jesus on fruit trees. Jesus on water. My personal favorite, Jesus on Weed killer All of which function as fantastic things to say if you stub your toe or lose something. What I do respect about the book is every chapter does open with a direct Bible quote from the relevant bit of gardening metaphor. And as a kid, I remember having, even as a child, no respect for any sermon that attempted to appeal to me with some sort of You know, in a way, Christ is the most valuable Pokemon of all. It'sious metaphor. Yes. Also on the Amazon page, it's recommended for me, Lent with Thomas Aquinas. which is a book about Lent and not a two for one. My parish priest is very funny. He said We're trying to get the roof fixed. He said The good news is we've got all the money we need. The bad news is it's in your bank accounts. Well I mean they're all pretty amazing. I think it has to be, doesn't it? the constricted anus. I dont think we're going to top that.ee I'm going to give you a point each but two points oe for finding that monstros. Okay, this round's called. what did I buy? People do buy the strangest things and then review them like this person who wrote Mom just loved her life size cutout of Andy Murray She loves tennis and Wimbledon There have been a few scares when she came down in the morning. And the postman got the fright of his life. But apart from that, he's been very popular It'll be art with just a bit of thin cardboard to capture the charismatic raw vitality of So each team's going to hear two real reviews of a product and they have to work out what it is. If they can't get it after two, I'll give them another review, but at the cost of a point. So D and Pierre Here is your first review Uless Wearing it too tight at night I got too warm and woke up to the smell of burning rubber I'm Catholic. It also confuses sleep with calmly sitting down I had one day where it told me I'd slept for thirty four hours Based on the length of a single day, this is impossible. I love the explanation at the end for those it was so hadn't worked out that that wasn't quite right. Any thoughts on that Burning rubber. Why would it be Burning. How hard can you sleep? Wow. That' the kind. How hard indeed? I'm getting an inling of what it could be, but can't we can't Well, you might as well take the second Yeah it don't cost youre not in. I've been really sick this week. to the point where I went to urgent care because my resting heart rate was one hundred and fifty BPM My blank has been both rewarding me for my incredible cardio load. Well it's also nagging me to work out because I haven't been able to move since Sunday. I think you might have guessed what it is. What do you think? I think it might be a fit bit of some description. It is a fit bit. He If I'm try to get my steps up, I just attach my fit bit to my dog and let him out in the garden. It does rack him up. It really does. Someone says, He, actually, I found that placing your fit bit on the dog's tail really burns the calor.. I must try my humming bird. I like this review I find it hilarious that literally all of my active zone times correlate to when I was getting my three year old out of the door and in a car seat. The struggle is real. Anyway, you're absolutely right. It was a fit bit. now it's Zoena Sand's turn. So what product merited this review OMG. The saltiest substance known to man, saltier than the Dead Sea, far too salty After one teaspoon I have a terrible stomach Is it salt? Yeah. We struggle to get saltier than salt. I wish people would review salt. My dad used to keep salt in his jacket pockets As he said, if ever anyone approached him with menace He said, what you do is you hold one hand up and with the other, you throw salt in their eyes What just season them Yes. match and some bay leaves while I'm at it. Did I mention that he was a cannibal? You should show him pepper spray. He'd love that. that. Properly seasoned you need salt and pepper.. Yeah Maybe that was in the other pocket. Here's your next review This stuff is fantastic I don't eat it personally, but the local rodents do. They love it Well, at least I think they do Most of them only get as far as opening their mouthes before snap I've lost count of how many have succumbed to its knotty, sweet stickiness. It must be at least a hundred over the years. And if you think that's bad, the review is entitled Great for Breaking Ncks Three Eclamation markarks. It's got to be a cheese of some kind I don think of a cheese that's ever broken my neck. Unless I've driven past the shop and gone o bri Well doesn't it sound like a sort of mouse killer catcher? So you combine it with the trap, obviously, the cheese? Yes. A we got another third cl. Do you want the third clue? Oh? Yeah, please. So most of the complaints about it, I should say, were about its consistency This one said very sloppy and lumpy knuts Which was actually a note I once found on my pillow. Does that help? Very sloppy and lumpy knots. Very sloppy and lumpy knots. and the neck breaker. I must admit I didn't know about the rodent thing, but apparently this is a common thing that I should have known about This is what the producer told me. Now, I think my point has been proven. I know about this as well. How you do. Okay a killer. It's not you know, salt and porridge. Salty porridge. You do c putook salt and porridge Do you?es Scotland In Scotland, they put do that. I was in a hotel in Edinburgh. and I said to the waitress that she brought the breakfast thing And I said, Ohh, is this is this salted the porridge? And she said, I'm not the chef Well, I mean it sounds like rodent killing porridge. Are you telling me you don't know? I think that's what we're trying to say. I think Pierre Nvelli knows he's looking smke. P peanut butter It is peanut butter. They love it, that. J ask for a quick show of hands. How many people knew that they used peanut butter on? Oh lot of. All the people the dirtiest houses in the country. One more rev you from Anita in France. Can I remind you if she's reviewing peeanut botak? She said too peanutty So let's have a look at the final scores. D and Pierre have eight points and Zoe and Aan have seven, so D and Pierre are this week's winners So before we finish, I just wanted to share this review and it's about this is a sinister review I mourning you It's about a novelty item which is called the Halloween Screaming Gat Ty You press its middle and it makes a screaming noise, which raises a few questions, but not as many as this review left by someone who wrote, Not impressed sounds like a screaming badger, not a goat. And I should know. Goodbye Allison foundound this helpful was hosted by Frank Skinner and starred D Allen, Fianna Belly, Zoe Lyons, and Hasson Alhabin. It was written by Frank Skinner com from Bitworth, Sarah Dungster, Jason Hazley, Colemin, Katater Sayer, and Peter Tallouch. The show was devised by Jason Hazley and Simon Edvans with the producer David Tyler, and it was a positive production for BBC Radio four Thanks for listening to Comedy of the Week. If you want to hear more episodes of One personers found this helpful, you can search for it on BBC Sounds. Greetings, malevolent munchkins, Fiendish friends, and devilish do gooders. Welcome back to the home of the Oxymoron. Evil genenius. I'm Russell Cane and I'm delighted to be steering the ship that unceremoniously wrenches historic figures from their perfect pedestals so that we can decide whether they're evil, genius or a heavy concoction of the two. It's like the podcast version of telling your kids the ice cream van plays music when it's out of ice cream. Yes, it's evil. Yes, it's genius. Get on board now and listen to Evil Gius on BBC Ss