True Crime Documentary Parody

I He owed A sketch Nail biting atmosphere in the Olympic Gardening Stadium this morning. That's right, Leslie, we have just seen an historic crashure from rock star horticulturalist Bernard Mayole in the men's Gardening fininals only moments ago, and now it's the women's turn. And it promises to be every bitter as electric. Shirley stocking type preparing there doing her trademark stretches. ninety four this summer game's never been stronger E her opponent, Audrey Beard there, known as the young Buck in the Garden world, on account of her mere eighty two years of age. The referee holding up her hand we're about to begin and we're off. Audrey's straight in with the Nasturtians, nice way to get some easy points. Surely lagging behind a little, she's still selecting a bird feeder, but then she's always been strongest in the mid game, Darren. Correct. She really comes into her own in the hoing and mulching. Well she came to prominence in fact for her hoeing in the late seventies That's right, Lizl, Haie lining up her ornamental mosses settling in for a protractive match. Klimy Kardashian in the audience there, watching intensely She's been a long time fan of Shirley'. Meanwhile Doja Cat not far along the road, cheering for Audrey, urging her on It's a star studded event as usual with this one. It's certainly one of the more popular events with the glitterty types, as it were. Shirley snaps into focus, seecatur is practically a blur. Audrey goes in with some aggressive water featuring, really nice footwork, but Sirley's already counting it with a stone statue of a frog, that's some seriously advanced stuff. Audy winces at a twinge in her backck, Ajust a terrota pot, That's double points. Shiry pinches back some chrysanthemumps. Audrey aerates her raised bed. Shiry erects a gazebo. Audrey goes to advance her compoppicing, Siry calls foul She says someone's been medding with the perennials shakeses his hand And apologies just then for any foul language heard from the p Shiry's agitating herZen garden Audrey smacks it back with a chamile trellis. Shiry raakeses a leaf, she's furious. Audrey's taunting her. She goes to trowel her mix border. But Shirley snooook at her with an art deeckco sund dial. No, it's Audrey cursing. She hardt even makes it to the butt of my garden and Shirley's just seen Audrey's raised beds. She's livid. Both the women red in the face. I can't tell what they're saying, but they don't look happy They tips over a poting bad jolly advancing with a watering can there It' happening. I've never seen something like this in all my years of Olympic gardening. The crowd absolutely losing it. They're on their feet, the cheering's deafening. This is an historic moment for the competitive gardening world until now I believe not a single out LGBTQ player at the international level. There goes the whistle, but Shelly and Audrey aren't even listening. They've disappeared inside a polytunnel As as Leslie, I was not expecting that. I mean, it just goes to show why this sport really is as gripping as it gets. More as we get it, we'll be back after a short break with the judgge' deliberations. Don't go away Hey Magnus! Bjorn? Oh my god, it's been ages. Where have you been, man? I took a gap here and went solo travelling for a bit. Wow nice. Where'd you go? All over, Ruse, Byzantium. I was in the Varangian Gard for a bit when I ran out of money. but mainly England. England, Oh, that's so cool, manate. What was it like It was literally so amazing. The people, the food, the culture, they're so spiritual down there and it's kind of infectious. Like I could feel myself getting so in touch with my spirituality. well you look well. Thanks. I started whipping myself on the back. And you've done something to your hair? Yeah, I completely shaved it except for a little ring around the side. It's a Christian thing What thing? Christian. It's what they believe in down there. I spent some time in a temple with the monks and I know it's kind of cringe to be that Nse guy that goes traveling to discover Southern religion, but it's like literally changed my life. Oh wow. It must be some pantheon. It's not even. It's just one guy. You're pulling my leg. one god Like if we just had Odin or something? Sort of. He also has a son. Oh, like Thor. Is this guy also like a you know, a noble warrior destined to die in battle against a great serpent? No, he was just killed by a couple of normal Italians. Oh cool. Yeah, he's really cool, man. And if you go to his house once a week, you get to have a biscuit. God's house Yeah, it's like every temple is his house and you can go and have a biscuit in there. You can't have the biscuit at home. Well, that doesn't work for him. They make you take a day off work to go to his house and have a biscu. You don't have to take a day off, No. It's on Sunday. Well yeah, should I should get back to work. Sorry, was I too heavy on the Christian thing? No, no, no. No I'm really happy for you man it It's just like, yeah, you know, haven't se you for ages and life sort of goes on, you know. Oh, well maybe we could make more of an effort to see each other. You could come to the church with me one Sunday. Maybe we could, but, I would, but you know I mean we've just got our boy into a good pagan school and all this and and I don't really w to mess any of that stuff up. Right But if you don't do it, then I'll kill you and burn your house down right now. Right, then I reckon I will do it then. What kind of bicy is it Hello and welcome all the ten thirty nine to East Bornington. My name is Graham and I'm the train manager and my job is to ensure you have a safe and pleasant journey, but mostly to tell you off repeatedly for having the audacity to travel by rail. The train is about to depart. If you're not intending to travel, please leave the train now And if you're not intending to travel, why are you on a train in the first place? Leave the train now per Please be aware that super advanced special tickets are not valid on this train, nor are spepecial advanance super tickets, advanced extra normal tickets, or oh wow, aren't you a big boy Mister tickets? If you have any of those tickets, they are not valid for travel, so please leave the train now. Advanced super special tickets are valid on this train, but only as far as West Eastfield where this train will divide Please make sure you're in the right section of the train. Carriages one, three, five and nine will be going north to East Bornington and carriages two, four, six and seven will be turning west and making for the coast. Carriage eight is wild. If you do not have a ticket and would like to buy one on the train, you may have to pay a fine. If you have a rail card, please ensure that you show it at the same time as your ticket, otherwise you may have to pay a fine Please ensure that your face also looks exactly like it does in the photo on your railcard, otherwise you may have to pay a fine. and then leave the train. Do not leave any luggage in the vestib your areas. Do not leave any luggage in the aisles. Luggage must be placed in the luggage racks provided or jammed into a small space above your heads All other luggage must leave the train. The buffet car will soon be opening on this train offering a wide selection of snacks and hot drinks for a wide selection of prices, from insanely high to requiring a new mortgage. The buffet car will open in carriage three, then move to carriage six before settling in carriage nine. On behalf of the whole train team, I'd like to wish you a very pleasant journey as long as you have the correct ticket type, don't have any luggage and don't make a nuis of yourselves. Otherwise get off, get off now Welcome to The Rest is Entertment with me Marina Hyde. The answer to the question, what if one of the Mitford sisters had been a gossip columnist at the sun? And me, Richard Osman, a man who always puts his neck on the line with a strong opinion, but only wants that opinion is part of the mainstream culture. Today, we're going to be talking about a fantastic piece of prestige scripted television that everyone is talking about, the boy Absolutely. I have to tell you, Marina, I adored this show. It was a magnificent achievement and the pilot episode we were all waiting for could not have been better. And I'm not saying that just because it's on Sky, who are our good friends who sponsor this show. We only ever review Sky Shows highly because all their shows are genuinely brilliant I completely agree It's a product of that rare alchemy of a superb writing team given complete creative freedom, plus a cast of actors who know the characters innately well and can improvise. And that's why the show itself works so unbelievably well. Absolutely. And I just love the cast too and I love the writers. They are all such a lovely lot of human beings. I know a lot of the production team from Richard Osmond's House of Osmonds and absolute best kindindest production team I've ever worked with Richard, but lovely people isn't what makes a production good. Ask Shelley DeVal. Stanley Kubrick wasn't a lovely bloke, but my gosh, the shining is pretty damn good. Well, by and large, as well as being great people, it's because they are the most talented people in the industry and at the absolute top of their game who cannot be bettered. S. I've said that. It's a superb team But why do you think this show works so much better than sayay The Girl, which was also released this year The team was also at the top of the industry. Why is the boy such a cut above within the top strata of prerestige TV Richard? Is it timing or capturing the zeitgeist? Because by and large I love TV That's your piping hot take is it Richard? You love TV. or watch your fingers on the hob. They're going get burnt and cool Kareem. It's time for a subway take. Also, I am lucky to be alive at the exact same time as this cast and crew What that for the showrunners, maybe, but you're lucky to be alive at the same time as the runners dashing about getting the coffees and salads and all the grips. You love them, do you? You don't know them. I do mostly And I can say hand on heart, I love each and every one of them and shout out to the entire cast and crew of the boy for the show. You've given us all so much joy in our hearts Iroducer Joe is just put in the chat that the leading act has been cancelled. I had heard rumblings about that. Shall I do a little retake then? I think su, Richard. Let's just ask Sky what they'd like us to say first H your phone now. Oh, sorry, yes okay, one second, one second. Well it's just in my bag somewhere. No rush. No, no, no, no, I don't want hold you up. It's just is this at the bottom, I think. Here. Oh oh Godd, is a barrison. Nonestly you' takeig a type dig time. You, it's juste of, you know, women's bags, right? No pockets in our clothes, everythingverything's just in here. It's kind of like its own world You know, huh? Yeah. Yes, you know how my wife is exactly the same. Yeah. D you know, it's like a black hole Oh there it is, Oh, no, that's that' lid bomber. Oh, this Oh, there's some paris tomrow would you like? I know you've had to par the by day. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm right, Thank you Oh sorry. sorry. Don't apologize I f. You know, I just f biad because you know you're trying to rob me, but I didn't realize how disorganized my bag was Yeah, sorry about that. I know it's fine honestly, you know I've blocked out our afternoon anyway. Oh, well, you're very organized. Yeah Well, you know, well you have to me these days, so Well, you know what? Do you want to have a look? I think you can actually find it quicker. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I would not want to intrude no. No, please, I insist. Are you sure? Absolutely. A F found it. Sorry about that. Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know No problem at all. Well, here you go. Thank you. than you. Right, well Enjoy your day. No, you too Elaine. O time. How are you? U ally reallyally bad actually I just got mugged. Oh no. Are you okay? Actually No. I think I came off as kind of rude Hello. Is anyone there? A. I wondered when I was going to be seeing you here, Joseph Edwards. I am the great Gazini. How may I be of service? Great so my phone has stopped working, I was wondering if you could take a look at it for me. U Yes. I can take a look at the. Sorry, was that not pretty cool? What? The music, the reverb? I knew your name without you telling me Uh, Yeah, that was good, man Good. Yeah was good. Reading your mind is good. Okay, cool So you want me to what fix your phone. Yeah, it's been playing up for a few days. I've no idea why. Okay, let's see Gam foramasalabalaskis. Sorry, what you doing? An incantation conjuring up a new phone. Right It's just I kind of want this one. Sorry is that annoying? It's got all my contacts in it and stuff. It's just a bit of a nightmare changing Sims and fine, right God, I'll just cast a healing charm on it then. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Where is my wand Oh, do you have to use your wand? I don't know if my insurance covers that Do you want it fixed or not? Yep, sorry, do your thing. Yes, Unbelievable. Okay Rappero Mobilion U I don't think that worked. Oh you're joking Well, that was still pretty good though, wasn't it? What? What do you mean what? I literally shot a beam of light out of a stick. But the phone's still broken? A beam of light out of a I mean seriously. You tried it if you're so clever. G on then, try it. go. Okay. Aic' u Oh. Oh what's that? Nothing happened. Didn't think so. Not so easy is it? I guess. How did you break your phone anyway? I dropped in a glass of water. why didn't you say so Just put it in a bowl of rice overnight. What will that do? It draws the moisture out. Really? Well, that's incredible. L magic. Get out It's Sally and HR here Usually you wonderful people of Plant Acon know I would say it's just a quick one, just a quick one when I call you up. But it has been mutually decided by management that I would better serve you all by calling less. So Instead, I will continue to help you all through our brand new company podcast. So expect to hear from me more than ever. We'll start this first episode with a segment called Sally's Sofa, where I take your work dilemmas and wave my magic HR wand at it Bippity, Bopty, Zoom. Our first letter is from Sleepless in South Bermondcy He says Hi, Sally. I've grown rather close with a guy in my department to the extent that he calls me his work wife and I call him my work husband We spend every lunchim together and I even make him food and bring it in, which he adores. We share so much about ourselves, but I was shocked to find out He is getting married soon I am invited, but what do I do Oh, Janet in finance. I'm sleepless in South Bermondcy This sounds as painful and confusing as being a Middwall fan. 's not my love I would advise that you go to the wedding. We tend to see men spending more time at the office once married and definitely once they have children I don't know what the science is behind that, but it'll definitely work in your favour. Research shows an uptick in productivity from those with work rushes. And now it's a win win because it can't ever be anything more between you two and I won't have to write up either you or Ben in procurement I just know you're listening to this smiling Do send your letters to Sally Sfa at plantacon. wb Until next time Hello, offfficer. can I help? I'm sorry to inform you, sir. Please come in. Oh, thank you, sir. As I was saying, I'm sorry to inform. you like a cup of tea? No, better not. I've literally just piled the kettle so it's no trouble. OkayK, well if it's no trouble. As I was saying, I'm afraid I have to tell you Milk or sugar? Milk and one sugar As I was saying Is that all right? whatever you have is fine for me, sir. So as I was saying, you like a scum Well actually what time is it coming up to lunch? couldoo soup. Would you be interested in a soup? I've got leeakk and potato or carrot and coriander or just a plain scone? No, the leeakk and potato soup would be most Now, as I was saying, was the suep alright? It was very hearty. So to return to the point of my visit. Would you like to go to the cinema with me this afternoon? I've got two tickets to the your Avengers movie if you're interested. Yes, yes, I would be interested So ass I was saying, sir? I'm afraid it's my duty today. I'm just going out to go and get some popcorn. Would you like sweet? salty? or a mixture of sweet and salty. The mixture sounds intriging. What a wonderful movie that was, sir. Thank you so much for inviting me. Anyway, to continue what I was try to say, I'm afraid that I needew. Would you like to stay the night? Yes, I can do that I think you should know, sir that would you like to kiss me on the neck I don't see why not. Now to return to the matter at hand, sir, Will you marry me? Yes, I think I will. Do you take this policeman to be your? like a mal teaser? Oh, yeah, go on then As I was saying What a magical wedding anniversary. thirty four years Should I turn the light out are you still reading? You can turn the light off, yes. So as I was saying, sir. Oh yeah. What was the reason for you dropping by allays years ago? Your car tax is overdue M How overd you U Well, it's about thirty four years now. goodness me Well, thanks for letting me know. Not a problem soner, justust looking out for the community. I'll be on my way. Goodbye Nice policeman Welcome back to Who wantants to be a Millionaire? I'm here with Adam, a baby from Leicester. Now Adam, before the break, we found out that you prefer to be called Munchkin. So should we stick with that? Yes, please. Okay, Buba, fantastic. So you're currently playing for thirty two thousand pounds. Lifeeles intact. Let's have a look at your next question, shall we? great For thirty thousand pounds, the cow goes what? is it A Bomoo? Is it B Baba Is it C? Woof woof? Or is it B, milk, milk? Wow. okay, interesting. Okay, so what are you thinking there little rascal? So I definitely heard this recently. I don't think it's Woof woof Barar just doesn't feel right L just a hunch, justust a hunch at this point, just a hunch. but it's either MMoo. Or milk milk Um I've got a feeling I'd be mk milk. Okay, what makes you say that? Well, I just really like milk you want tonaone a friend? I don't have friends'm by As ask the audence?, it's good idea but A I'm shy and B, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. Okay, so fifty fifty fifty fifty, please. OkayK, computer, please remove two wrong answers and leave two possible correct answers Right, okay, so we're left with Mu Or milk milk. That's the worst possible outcome really, isn't it? Right, I think we're gonna play Becauseuse I mean, if it's right, I win the money, if it's wrong, I feel like I'm able to get over it. You've literally got your whole life into li of you, okay? Exactly. So let's lock in D milk milk. Final answer? Finalswer, I'm confident. Are you sure you can have all this? You're not gonna get upset Computer looking Dep Adam You've just lost thirty two thousand pounds. I'm so sorry. Are you o? I'm fine, I'm fine. Sorry, what's that smell? just I got nervous. I need changing. Can I go now please Well, mister Bond, we meet again. I suppose no man can resist me. The intoxicating Ursula crab pussy. But I'm no fool. I know you're not just here to grab butt. You want me to reveal the location of the evil casino diamond hidden by my father Viscount crab Pussy. Well, I won't do that, but I'm happy to let you buy me a drink. What'll I have? Dealers's choice. As I was saying, mister Bond, the casino diamond is ah. quuick work, bartender. These drinks certainly look exotic They don't have these where I'm from in crab Pussy Kingdom. What do you call it? Dirty Martini, eh? Well, as I'm sure you'll find out, Mr. Bond, I'll try anything once Oh was in that olives? Why would you put olives in a drink? It's like drinking a casserole. O o o I think I'll skip the drink for now, Mister Bond. As I was saying, The diamond is patrolled by Ohh would you look at that? A tray of hors doeuvres? Mrter Bond, won't you hand me one of those curious little shells? What do you call those? An oyster. How exotic. What's that, Mis Bond? You're not sure I'll like it based on how I responded to the dirty martini? You know what they say about assumptions, mr. Bond. Don't. I'll give this oyster a try. My God, it's slimy. It's like drinking a worm L Oh Godd, I need to be rid of this wretched flavor. Perhaps an aromatic will do. Yes, H me what that gentleman is inhaling. Yes, the cigar. I don't care what it's called. I feel like I'm smoking the foundation of a house. Nasty Nasty Nasty! Everything here is nasty. You know what, mister Bond? If being a secret agent means consuming this rank ass flavor palette night after night, then I want no part of it. I hid the diamond in the hot tub. Have fun. Does anyone in this bar have milk? or some apple juice? Are we civilized? What is this U What? Oside again. That's offside, this line is having a shocker. And no, it's not because it's a woman before you say anything. I wasn't gonna say you. Mate, mate, get rid of times. It's twenty twenty six. Leave the misogyny behind. Football is for men and women In fact, I, I'm a big fan of wom football. Yeah. Watch it all the time. Oh yeah. Yeah. London twentyelve Olympics Women's Euros socade Isn' so great for men and women. May, you are so ignorant. I don't see gender. I see players. There's no he she, just them. All, Sam Smith. I'll let you know, I'm also a massa fan of womens football. Oh really? I've watched Bndy L like Beckh a hundred times.. M, I've seen the film and the theater production. and you called yourself a feminist. Okay Name W footballers though. Jill Scott, Adie Scott. U spporty spice? Anyway, they're not called woman footballers, they're footballers. The fact that you have to define them by their gender first is quite appalling. Appalling. yes, mate. Aalling. I'm meant to be living in a time of gender equality. I'm full gender equality. I'm so full gender equality I watch loose swen. When I'm by myself, I'm so full gender equality on my birthday I give my mum a present. I'm so for gender equality. I've taught my daughter to pe standing up. Yeah, well, I'm so for gender equality. Watch on this. A lino. Can we have any decision you' blind You see? I'm treating her the same way as a maail owner. No special dispensation because someone's got two S chrosomes. No It is true gender equality. Excuse me guys, but we don't tolerate that sort of language here. I'm gonna have to ask you both to leave the school premises. We all have three needs in life. be safe. be loved to not be dead three mees that eluded one resident of a normal town Deathville's just a normal everyday town. Humrum. until it wasn't. We're just a normal family. close, doing family things, Sunday dinners, binge watching TV, naked Wednesdays. Yeahah, just a normal family until we weren't. Nobody expected what would happen because if we did then it wouldn't have happened and it wouldn't have been a shock because we would have known what was going to happen, but we were shocked because we didn't expect it A normal family. unexpected and horrific event. ormal town Yeah, I've been an expert on this for over twenty hours, and when someone decides to do something really naughty, really naughty like this, then it's what we call a crime. A normal town A normal family. A shocking event someomehow ten episodes. It's broken us as a family. We were just normal and now we are. We didn't see any of this coming. It was a shock that meant life would never, ever Never ever, ever be the same, not even a day the same As it was 'cause well it had changed. The person that did this is definitely a criminal because they did a crime. Lives changed. A family shocked What exactly happened In Deathville. Next episode. Life had changed. Life had changed. We were all in shock. Life had changed. We're all in shock. We were all in shock. Crime. Things like this don't happen to normal familyies psychles. Really bad nextxt time on everyvery True Crime podcast POV was written and performed by Davina Bentley, Jake Baldwatch, Kylie Bragman. Stepehven Buchanan, Man Caton. The Exploding headads. Rachel Ferburn, Daniel Fox, Matt Green, Kalishia O Carfor, Elena Woou and by Ed Nnight, and Paddy Young. It was produced by Ed Morrish, and it was a Led Mojo production for BBC Radio four. Atention, Animal lovers, haters and Undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like Evil Genius, but without all those stupid humans I'm Russell Canain, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, Evil Animals Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room