The Final Fight and Resolution

Well if these aren't the most alarming ears I've ever whispered into, I'll try not to never. I Lord Christian Brighty was the greatest womanizing, man eating playboy of the regency. but my life changed forever. When I tried to fire my preachy and potentially prescribable chambermaid Babigail You mean when you tried to shoot me out of a cannon? On that fateful morning, Bab said something that shook me to my very core. You're a right mean. So shocked was I by this revelation, I accidentally set off the cannon and shot myself in the heart I awoke three days later with a new kind of hangover, guilt It's time to write The many wrongs of Lord Cristine Bright. july eighteen thirteen, Babs my butler, Charlie and I were heading to the fashionable spa town of Bath. We'd recently righted so many wrongs that they agreed I'd earn a holiday. My latest success had even made the local newspaper Lord Brighty funds Stonehenge Reconstruction. See, written proof of me being the best boy. B boy. You blew it up in the first place. Minor omitted detail, Aabigail. The public is more interested in his lordship's virtuous generosity than his acts of wanton destruction. And the editor agreed with me After I slipped to a get in. So why is Lord virtuous now perving on etchings of bosoms? I'm not. My lord is at liberty to ogle whatever he so chooses. I'm not ogling or perving. I'm reading the paper. This entrepreneur, Mrter Poach, has apparently made a fortune in selling push up corsets. Corsets. Who was buying them They are so eighteenth century. It says here, Ensnare the Lord of your dreams with this nineteenth century update on the traditional silhouette. Why get left on the shelf when you can build your own? Of course. Bloming posh women. They'll do anything, no matter how degrading to bg a rich husband. Yes, good for them I swear I know the name Poach from somewhere. mister Poach was engaged to marry your sister, my lord. Oh yes, enormous chap. Hands like hs. Oh backup. You have a sister. What's her name? Flan. Flan. like the pastry. Yes, and just as beige. Nothing to say for herself, always with her head in a book. Sort of a tragic spinster figure. This is massive Am I ever gonna meet this mysterious flan? You can if you like. That's her sat next to you. Hello. What? This is your sister. I thought she was just some pitchiker. She's been with us for two days. That just proves my point, really? She lives in bath, I'm just giving her a lift. Hi. so sorry not to have been more friendly. I think I was sat on your hand for a good portion of yesterday I'm Babs. Hello Babs. I'm reading. Did you see Flan? Your ex is super rich now. That's nice for him. So tellell us the goss, Flan. Why did you two break up? That's easy. Flann and mis Poach were engaged, but he was poor back then. Not Babs poor. Back ten times richer than you are. I'm really poor. About a hundred times less rich than he needed to be to marry my sister So I sagely persuaded Flan to call the engagement off You called the engagement off I don't remember being involved. Same thing. Right. That's awful. You know what I'm gonna say, don't you? Whatever it is, it'll have to wait. We've arrived. It's bathim A B It's like some sort of themed park. whereere the theme is now. I've got to try some of the healing waters. My lord, I don't believe they're healing straight from a puddle. No it taste healing. I'm going to buy a book. Thanks for the lift, brother. See you at Christmas. Wh My God, Brighty. I know, right? Who needs another book? No, you idiot Clearly heartbroken. Is she? Yes. You broke off her engagement. You're a terrible brother. I am an exceptional brother. Leave it alone, Babigail. His lordship is entitled to some respite. He's on holiday. Exactly. I'm going to buy four new hats and go to that Jane Austen book signing and later on tonight there's a boxing match. It know you're into boxing I don't want to overstate things here, but I am the greatest pugilist who ever lived. What you on about? It's true. My lord is undefeated. He's given more black eyes than a mischievous pirate wiping twar on a telescope. I thought bare knuckle headed boxing was illegal. It is, which is why fighters use sophisticated pseudonyms. I'm mister Fister And tonight, I'm gonna to be facing the brick. Tonight, sir I had arranged a fight for tonight. I posted a challenge in the newspaper myself. The local champions accepted. My lord, I must protest. You can't be off scrapping when you've got a wrong to write. Only good boys deserve to enjoy violence. Babs, give me a break. I'm here to have fun. Tell her, Charlie? No. Bigail is right. Am I? You simply must reconcile Miss Flann with mister Poach before any fight can take place. It's too important. fine Jay lost him. Okay, I promise we'll go backad. I've just got to pitch myself as a protagonist. Back in a minute. Curely, you never normally back me up. And I'm not now. Babigail, you must never sneeze a syllable of this, but I may have slightly sports massaged his lordship's boxing reputation You fix his fights, Naughtyer. I'll have you know. It's one of the noblest things I do for him. What What's the law about? Just keep his lordship distracted with your pointless moral crusading. I need to see a brick about a bribe Charlie headed to the illicit boxing ring hidden beneath the assembly room, determined to give my fighting chances a fighting chance. OK lads, keep your chins tucked. Come on.'s that ducin or goosey? Excuse me. Can you tell me which of these gentlemen trains the brick? That's me A woman in a position of authority. What's next The classroom of dogs taught by a sausage? You're brove saying that to my face. Do you not like the way yours is arranged? M I meant mad. You're not the first bigot to doubt me, but I soon beat them into shape and now they beg me to train them. Isn't that a lovely irony? Right lads, hit the showers Then repair them and take a bath. Right, Penguin sou, what do you want? Am I to understand that the Bick has aboutout this evening with the unbested, undefeated mister Fisto? That's right. I am his manager. Boxing It's so terribly expensive. And there's many a workerday fellow who struggles to keep himself in silky shorts. We could ameliorate any financial difficty. You want us to throw the fight? You understand me. Marvevelous. Would the brick consider being thrown? You're talking And my answer is no. No? No. You can't mean no no. Fighting in this ring is a privilege not afforded to all and I won't compromise its integrity. Now, if you'll excuse me, these young men need guidance in pummeling six shades of shit out of each other. Refusing a bribe Amateur Let's do. What am I to do Whilst Chirlie was sparring with the Bricks manager, Babbs and I went to butter up distinguished breadwinner, Mr. Poach. My secret, I get to the office three AM every day on my self riding horse, then immediately macrose chicken. I am one of the smartest people I've ever met. sure, but us men have to grind for our wealthalth, don't we? Yeah. I mean, I was sort of just giving mine, but yeah. I've won it and lost it ten times over. For my next business I'm thinking shoes, either shoes or weapons, or collectible card games, something like that I bought myself a boxing ring. I'll probably turn it into something rad, but for now I'm all in on boobs. Oh your corsets, yeah Some people think they're demeaning throwbacks, but I think so long as women are choosing to demean themselves, then it's fine. women wear corsets are gross, but I'm very happy to take their money. Brighty, let me show you my latest investment opportunity. bits of coin. Tell me more. So a coin gets broken into bits to make more coins and you own the idea of that happening Right sorry, but is it not massively hypocritical to make money out of something you don't agree with? Right, this woman will not stop talking. Hey! Why are you here by the way? Do you want a smoothie? It's mainly chicken. Do you remember my sister? Flan. Yeah, we were engaged, right? Right She really regrets embarrassing you by calling it off. I don't suppose you'd consider putting it back on, and I'm definitely not asking because you're super rich now. Marry Lady Flan Brighty? O, really? Yeah. haaving an Aristle wife would be good for business. That was fast. Hey, you know what would make this even better if we made a game out of it Okay, I'm hosting a big exhibition fight tonight, The Brick versus Mr. Fistter., Mr Fister, you say? He sounds strong. I propose that if Mr. Fistter wins, I pay for the wedding But if our local lad the brrick wins, you pay for the whole thing. Why don't you make Flann wear one of your gross corsets while you're at it? Yes Excellent idea. free publicity. If the brick wins you pay for the wedding and Flann wears a poach push up power corset every day. year No, I wasn't seriously suggesting. You've got yourself a wager. Alright, we'd best go tell Flan the good news, bro. I'll see you later. I can't wait for you to be my bro. Bro. Don't fall off yourself riding horse and break your neck, bro! We did it, Babs! That was the most romantic proposal ever. I can't wait to see the look on pooach's face when he finds out I'm mister Fistter. He'll bleed guuineas for champagne and canopies. I'll never understand why you boys express your love for each other by gleefully trying to screw each other over It just feels right, especially because I'm definitely going to win. He's definitely going to lose. embarrassingly Only the bricks trainer would throw the match. God, I'm going to have to confess to his lordshipemman say when he learns that I built his good name on a bed of lies, a pillow of fibbs, upon the teddies of treachery. Great work todayie, lads. see you tonight? But perhaps if she is incorruptible, I can still persuade the Brick himself to throw the fight. Yes. If I follow her, she'll lead me right T him were not absolutely essential, H his lordship remain entirely ignorant about this forever. He would congratulate me Babbs and I went to find Flann at the bookshop, confidident she'd still be there because what else has she got going on? He's sure that mister Pch is husband material. Is of it? Brilliant. He gets to look up boobs for a job and he likes boxing. Yeah, but does Flann like looking at boobs and boxing? Probably. I mean, who doesn't? Who knows what makes Posh lady sick? There she is Come on. Oh hang on. headting into the lady's only spa. No boys. That's not fair. No You're not missing out. Spas are for fizz up and dummy mummies, desperate to get away from their kids so they can sit around Tal about the kids. Wait, Babs, you're a lady, technically. You can go fetch the flan. fine, I'll go get her. But let death take me before the bell tolls Pseco o' cllock H is this your first time at the spa? Yeah, I'm not much of a spa person. And before you start, no, I don't want to treat myself. Your alcoholism isn't cheeky. And if you tell me how many calories there are in anything, I will burn that exact amount attacking you. Okeie, Dookie? The what do you want? I'm looking for Fant. S could be through there? Whr don't you work here? No one works here. We're more of a non profit collective. Exchangeing services free from capitalistic imperatives. Cool.ool cool. We also offer sports massages, tama readings and talks on maintaining a herb garden. Why don't I show you around? Butler coming through. I' found it all. I'm gonna lose my quarry in these blasting grounds. Charlie? My lord. I'm glad I've caught you. Cught me. But you haven't. I wasn't doing anything. I mean What are you doing here? Waiting for Babs to drag my sister out of that spa so I can tell her I fixed her boring life Why are you here? perfectly innocent reasons. I was u following a lady into this bathhouse. Oh no, no, that sounds terrible. Oh God. Is everything all right, Charlie? Yes. No. U Give me a ruddy moment. Charlie. I'm sorry. Give me a ruddy moment, my lord What are you up to And over there is the Cpplge and over there is the Anarchus liibrary. This is not what I was expecting. I was imagining you all as pastel milk sos, but I just saw someone wearing a leather studded bonnet. You mean Aspen. They published the in house scene. Are the nose rings compulsory. Sorry, I had no idea Bright's sister was so cool. Oh yeah, Fant She's probably through there in the private bath. Feel free to put on one of the bathing gowns, but please leave your street clothes on the side. Wow. That is a rack of very sensible shoes. Well, wish me luck. I've got a big surprise for her. We managed to get her engaged to the Man of herer dreams. Right. O Look with that Flan I've got Greay you. Flan Babs, what are you doing with that woman's face? She's kissing it. What the hell are you doing here? Are you following us? Yeah, but nicely. Who is this? Oh This is my girlfriend Lavinia. Lavinia, this is my brother's emotionally codependent maid. Do you often creep around queer spars in your socks Bgger You can't have a girlfriend. And why iss that? Oh no I'm all for it. I'm super pro all that stuff. Do you have any pamphlets I could read? No, no, no of course not they'd be soggyum. Sorry, I just wanted to say congratulations. You're engaged That's Flan coming out now. Get the champagne ready. You meddling little rat boy. Are you quite sure my lord? Of course. We've got something to celebrate. rotten excuse for a brother. Flan, I have wonderful news. Bab' told me. Bab! What did I miss? You've repromised my hand to that sexist asssehole. What do you mean He wasn't sexist to me. He makes those awful corsets. He doesn't let women fly in his boxing rom. Yes. But the main issue is that me and Lavinia are in a committed lesbian relationship It's a really bad time to become a little bit interesting. Am I to understand that the Bricks boxing trainer is Little Flanelette's girlfriend? My girlfriend and my trainer. We met in her boxing class. Another important part of my life that you're entirely ignorant of. You can't be a box, s. That's my f. There's lot of following us, Fln. Penguinsuit was sniffing around the ring earlier. Charlie, is this true? You' sniffing around this woman's ring? I beg your puns? Well youre following the bricks trainer? What a tool P pre cononsole them on their impended defeat at your hands. Hang on, hang on. Lord Bryce is fighting a brick. You're mister Fister? Yeah, and I've wagered against mister Poach that when I win, he must pay for Flann's wedding. Which was a really nice thing for me to do based on admittedly outdated information. And if you lose, well it doesn't really matter since Briety won't lose, right, Charlie? too be confirmed. And if he loses? Well, it was at Bab's suggestion that Flann wear one of Poach's push up power corsets for a year Go easy on her Fan. Go easy yourself. Who are you to just turn up out of the blue and decide what's best for me? Your brother, it's my job. You're a morally corrupt rake who subcontracted his conscience to a grubby Northern misogynist What about when you I mean you're u when you do the te don't know anything about me. It's all right, Pickle. Remember, kick your guard up I know something about you, Brighty. I know that you're gonna lose a fight tonight, because the Bick is Mrter Poach. Fan's incredibly musclely fycent. The unbrabvably wealthy entrepreneur. Oh no. And as his trainer, I can tell you, he's gonna smash your face in Reeling from my sister's unfair criticism and Lavinious threats, Chirlie convinced me to do some actual preparation for the fight. Doing right's never even trained before. Exactly. There's a chance. Maybe he is a naturally brilliant fighter I'm ready. You need both shoes, my lord. Oh yeah. Of course. Let's start by picking up this sack of grain. Oh Christ, that's heavy. Charly, can we just get a foot one to do it for me? No. Babs, can you help? No. Let's try something else. The trick is to punch through the bag, not just bat it around. Right, okay Okay. Okay Stop stalling bry air. Hit Bad, you're putting me on I take it out on the punch bag, my lord. No, that really hurt. No more of that. Let's try something else We stop now? No, Bright here, Kep going. Vlan is going to be stuck with that awful man and all she wants is to be in a nonprofit gay spa with the woman she actually loves. You've ruined her life? It's not my fault. Before today I didn't even know she had a life to ruin. She called me a misogynist. I mean, maybe I have Maybe I am a misogynist. Abigail, we don't have time to talk about how you are a terrible misogynist. Because of me, funan will be trsed up in a monkey corset for a year unless you win this fight. You've gota try harder. please try it. Aabigail is right, sir. Perh pererhaps you should be the one mis skivpping. You're both just worrying over nothing I'm the greatest fighter that ever lived. I could win this blindfolded. You're not the greatest fighter ever. You're not even a boxer. G Sock Frist, you make a fist using two hands. Make a fist. Charling has fixed all your fights. He's been lying to you. Chleman, is this true I only did it to protect you. So I'll lose and everyone will see and talk about you. But I'll look weeak. Yes. Welcome to Fight Night here beneath the assembly rooms in Bath. I'm Pierce Eaggan and with me this evening, retired former champion Bob Gregson. I'm looking forward to this bare knuckle boxing contest. Thanks, Bob. It's the undefeated Mr. Fister versus unhinged local fighter, The Brick And as we build up to showtime, one can only speculate on what must be going through Mr. Fister's mind He's going to hit me Isn't he And it's going to cause a lot of pain Isn't it? In all probability. Does pain hurt Charlie? And I dare say it does. C can't believe you lied to me. I was doing what's best for you. That wasn't your decision to make. You've turned me into a fraud lord. I am truly sorry that you're not a good boxer. Now you're in on the secret. I got an idea for one last heavy thumb on the scale. I could still win. Perhaps This would work better with your hands, but wearing gloves to box is a ridiculous suggestion. So I'll wrap your knees with metal weights. You won't interfere with your footwork as you can't do footwork. Land one good iron knee and the brick will crumble to dust. Might that not be seen as a bit below the belt? It's the dictionary definition of below the belt, sir But your reputation would be saved. What's biological advantage, discipline and trining, if not just cheating? sppread over a longer period of time? And moreore importantly, I might not get hit in the face. I'll do it. I'll give him such a knee, it'll stop his wealth ever becoming generational. I'll have another two chickens. One deboned, one just boned. Oh! No, I f is made. We met literally today. I'm here to ask you to cancel the fight. Forcing someone into a revealing outfit against their will is gross. I'm not forcing anyone. I think of women as customers and of customers as pigs and pigs as sandwiches. Do you think you could get dogs to wear shoes? Foccus Your problem is that you're a misogynist. Maybe you'd pay attention if it was me boobs talking. Oh mrter Poach, I'm just a lovely boober who needs you to call off the wager. Maybe if I love at you, you'll listen. Oh Babigail. Fan. L in here I'm just being a better family Uh hh. Keep dreaming big. Poach. You like games, don't you? Sure do. Flan, right? I want to up the stakes. I'm listened. We switch the bet If Mr. Fistter wins, I'll marry you, I'll wear your awful corsets forever, and I'll never enter a boxing ring again. I'm listening. But if he loses Cancel the wedding and let women box in your ring. He'll do more than that He'll give funan No, You'll give funun your boxing ring Yeah. You'll give me your boxing ring. You foolish women. You're saying that if Mr. Fistter beats me, I get everything I want. In that case I'll just take a dive. I've not shaken your hand yet. I have one final condition. listening Well, Bob, the fight is just minutes away now and we've moved over to the ladies O stand. As per the ring owner's rules, women can buy tickets, but to protect their delicate constitutions, they are not actually allowed to watch the boxing. The ladies O stand faces the wall. That's right Bob. Happily there's always at least two men around to explain sports to women in condescendingly basic detail. The fight is sponsored by clones. That's right, Bob pooaches push up power corsets, as sported by our wonderful ringgirl. Babigail ar It was the only way I could watch. Mrter Fistter is in his corner warming up, but as yet there is no sign of his opponent. I've just been handed a piece of piter. Let me have a look at that, Bob. My goodness. The brick is not going to fight tonight. Oh my God And saved! Instead, mister Fister is going to face a new challenger, mister Fistister's sister, The Bistter twwister. You ready to rumble, brother? Flan, What is happening? I'm going to fight you. You' what? Is this really appropriate, Bob? I don't know, but I want to watch! I'm not fighting a girl. Tell that to the crowd They want me to fight you. There's a mutiny in the ladady stand bar. turn around! Turn around! I can't punch my little sister. People are watching. I would walk out right now if my legs weren't weighed down, metaphorically with this shame you're bringing on us. You're so certain you'll beat me. Obviously. Do you not remember when you stole my playword and I nearly drowned you in a terne of jelly? I was seven You do know I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm cancelling the fight, Flan. I'm doing what's best for you. That's not your decision to make. Oh, It's raw masculine power versus wileily feminine tenacity. This could really be anybody No no. Mrter Vistter is down quick. He's dazed, but he's clambering backat again stop it Wen hittating m. That's right, Bob. In Mrter Fister's corner, they are winzing. I chose the wrong sibling. My lord Try running away from her.. I can't live my knes This is the kind of beating that makes a man question all of his actions. The fistter has become the fisty As Fan pounded my face, chest and face again I realized I didn't know what was best for her In fact, I barely knew her at all But face down on the t hauling in a dribbly puddle of my own teeth, I did know one thing My little sister was incredible. He's waking up. Lord Brighty. Chirlie, how many times can a man be knocked out cold before he gets blamed on? Oh my lord, that horse has long bolted, and it kicked you in the head on the way out. Maybe boxing isn't for me It's kind of flans thing These are natural. Thanks I can't believe we own a boxing ring. You earn't it, Pickl. We earned it Maybe I could come back to bath to watch one of the fights One that lasts longer than forty five seconds. Yes. And you could visit the spa. There's a monthly bisexual mixer I love to Oce my teeth grow back. Thanks for inviting me I think we needed it. Absolutely We must never do it again. But for now I think I'll just boszz out. We'll get him home. Thanks. I thought you might stick around. You guys are awesome and I'd love to, but I've learned something today The most radical thing I can do is keep dedicating my life to supporting a man until he finds it within himself to change It's so close to getting it. Come on, Chirlie. Grab his legs and let's go. Right. This corset' digging in something rotten. You know about airl I've learned something too risks of over inflating his lordship's eil. Good for you. But When we go to the concert next week, under no circumstances are you to tell him he can't play the bassoon What The many wrongs of Lord Christian Brrighty star Christian Brighty, Jessica Kapple, Colin McFarlee, Jason Forordes, Amy Greves, Kiara Goldsmith, Jodie Mitchell, Joss Noris, and David Reed. It is written by Amy Greeves and Christian Brighty and is produced by Ben Walker for DLT Entertainment for BBC Radio four My teeth did grow backad mayaybe when I was asleep, Charlie replaced him with real ivory dentures. That would explain why I now do this. If you enjoyed that and how couldn't you, then I beg that your talented nimble little fingers tap over to the BBC Sounds app so that you may pleasure yourself with some of the other astounding stories from my heroic do goodood Inquest There's the one where we try to get a couple back together who I did originally un cououple. In another we go on a treasure hunt for the lost key to my best friend's chastity belt that I had locked him into some years prior during his stag do, and there's one where I challenge a teenager to a fight to the death. But for good moral reasons, honestly You lucky peasants you, you've got a whole ' another three and a half hours of fun with me, Babs and Churlie to enjoy If you can last that long. So join us on BBC Sounds for more of the many wrongs of Lord Christian Barety tention Animal lovers, haters and Undecidedes. A little birdie, a titt, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like Evil Genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Canaine, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, Evil Animals Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests or as I like to call them, ex monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room