The art of making social excuses

Where were we? You talking about your malaria? I'll be fine. Now I'll be fine actually. I don't want to I'm not one to make a big deal out of things even though it could potentially when you think about it could be actually really serious. But I'm not I'm not a person who would try to think , I'm not a person who would complain about nothing. You so yeah, don't worry it's just posted but a it is but a scratch that could potentially result in a life threatening illness , but 'tis but a scratch . 'Tis but a scratch . I hope you don't mean that. What mean what sorry? You are the worst person to deal with any sort of ailment . You know what? It's not ailments as such, it's in a thing . Yeah . It's not actually illnesses as such don't really bother me. I have about five things in my head that enrage me or I've never had a day's peace in my life . Never. There is always something in your don't pretend you're not like that. There is something making me anxious single day . And if I have the best week of my life one day in that week for at least a few hours, I'll think I'm gonna kill myself. Like it doesn't matter, how could we be something that something will happen that goes I just can't carry on. I'm gonna end it. I know what you mean. But I'm way I'm way too afraid of death . Really? To ever consider killing myself. Yeah. You know what? Yesterday I was I was out in the you know it was really sunny yesterday and I wasn't prepared for it, right? So I've always got factor fifty in the I've got about three bottles because every time I go out I forget to take one with me because the sun at this time of year catches you unaware or I could just read the weather , I suppose, but I couldn't be bothered. But anyway, I was out and it was suddenly sunny and I thought, Oh god, I could feel it on the back of my neck. And I thought, oh, I should buy some sun cream really. And there was a boots right there and I thought, yeah, but I I thought've already got three bottles of it in the cupboard. I can't buy another one. It just annoyed me. Well, it's about four about four quid . It was about four. I could have bought a little one for about four quid and I thought, you know what? I'll just die. I'll just get a skin can.c Ier'd rather get skin cancer. I'm not having another bottle in the cupboard. Just die . Just die. Oh God . I've got a little fence that I step over to get to the garden. I just have the little fence there 'cause my 'cause the dogs. Sorry, why are you saying this? I'm just talking now for fuck sake. What better fence? Why are you talking? Why bring up the fence out of nowhere? Because it's an injury that I get a lot. Oh, okay Oh, keep tell me. Oh, an injury. Tell me. Yes, please. Isn't it yummy? I can step over it, you know, but it's too high for the dogs to get over . And I every day , three , four times a day, I'll trip over that completely and fall on my arse like I'm covered in bruises and every single time I think one more of them and that's it for me. Yeah , right that's the thing that will tick me over. I'd never kill myself but like it will kill me. Yeah, yeah. I'll have a heart attack. Well , you'd die of a broken heart. It's one of those ones where they go died. She died of a broken heart. What happened? She kept falling over what she herself described as a little fence . She couldn't even do that. She died of a broken heart. Why? She kept falling over a head fence. Oh my god, that's dangerous. Was it a high fence? No . It was the sort of it was the sort of fence they have at crafts for the sausage dogs to jump over. It was a tiny , it was tiny , but she just couldn't get over it. She could not it didn't even require a jump. A small step over a tiny little fence and she died of a broken heart because she kept falling over it What a silly little girl What a silly silly girl That is a genuine fear of mine that I'll die and it'll just be so humiliating . Like at my funeral, everyone will be like stifling giggles because they're like, You that fucking Well, I would believe me. Yeah, I know I'll be crying after I'm doing redoing my will at the moment. I say what are you doing? Are you really? I've never done it. I am doing my will and in it I'm putting that at my funeral I want you and Luke McQueen to do a little dance. I'm not doing it. You have to my dining room to , you're dead. I don't care. You can't make me. No one can make me. Do it. Oh , okay, okay top . Okay , I'll definitely do it. Definitely. I'll definitely do it. Yeah, don't worry, relax, relax on your deathbed. I'll definitely do. I'll definitely So while you're alive, you tell me what to do and while you're dead, you also gonna tell me what to do, are you? Oh, that's Rich. I have never told you what to do ever. I've tried and you have ignored me or just not replied . You just reminded me of something I've ever told you that sausage dog never told you my sausage dog story? No I don't think so. Well , it's not really a story. It's just a thing that happened once that always stuck in my mind. I was in it was like a cafe like a greasy spoon cave in central London in Soho. And I was sitting at a table by the counter and people come in and order their food there. And one blake came in and he had like a Hawaiian shirt on. He was kind of kind of a cool guy. Now he was kind of a cool local guy. And he went he said, Oh, can I one sausage please? I saw, that's a fucking weird thing to order. And a bloke went, Oh yeah, yeah, and he went away. Gave him a sausage in a packet and I looked down and he had a sausage dog with him who he fed the sausage to. Is that not the fuck love to see it. I couldn't belie ve it. Did he break little chunks off and feed it? I just fed it. The saturous stug ate it and it was, you know, he swallowed it like the shape of his body. Just went gang Without a second thought, he didn't he didn't think hang on a minute hang on a minute hang on it must have they must be doing that regularly then yeah. Surely however thick dogs are they at some point they must be something in his brain that went sausage. No, he's ordering a sausage. One minute. Everyone calls me a sausage dog . There must have been however thick he is. He's like sausage, sausage, I'm a dog, sausage. They call me a sausage dog. And he's just ordering saus age. However thick they are. He's eating his brother. Yeah, exactly. He's like, Oh, that's not yeah, I'm not related to him. Yeah , my dog is super thick, but she's also deaf now. So it's like thick and deaf . The worst. Yeah . Yeah , it's annoying. There's no reference for her. Have I ever told you about my, do you know the story about my glasses? Because we're gonna tell you something that happened the other night. So let me talk to those my glasses because no, no, this is But didn't they send you a chair with prick on? No, so what happened? No, but people won't know this. So I wear these glasses on a lot on videos and stuff like that. And I fromub Qits, the optician qubits. And I always make this joke about I used to make this joke and go, I go to my Instagram and go, wear these Qubits glasses all the time and they give me nothing. I get nothing in return. Sort of a joke, right? So one day they messaged me and went so I wasn't anticipating that, but they obviously someone in the company follows me and messaged me this quite funny message and went, right, what your free glasses do? And I thought, well, right, I'll get the free glasses. I said, Yes, please. I sent him my prescription and everything and a week went by and nothing happened. I gave him my address and that and I just thought I'd, you know, they're just saying that I wasn't expecting free glass, I just thought it was a joke. But anyway, a week a week later they messaged me again and went sorry for the delay. We've got a special engraving we're putting on the glasses for you and I went okay fine. And then about a week later the glasses arrived in like a you know in a proper case and there was a handwritten letter like in Byro and it said we're so sorry we've neglected you like quite sarcastic. So sorry we've neglected you. We hope you enjoy your glasses and I hope you enjoy theed personal inscription of the arm of glasses. So I thought, Oh, that's quite funny. So I looked at the personal inscription. So on the arm of the glasses, on the inside arm, someone has engraved the word prick . So anyway, I thought it's quite bold for a company because it couldn't turned on me, but I thought that's quite clever actually. So I thought in the end 's just about right, isn't it? How'd you mean to? Well, how do you mean ? You are a bit of a brick, but it's also not too offensive. It's not like fucking cunt. Well, prick's quite bad. It's fond . Well, if I was there, if I was the company, I would have gone. It's a risk. Don't risk it. Call me my wallet . Yeah, like silly. I hope you like the inscription. I look at the inscription and it's an inscription and it says silly billy . But no it saidick Pr and I wonder if there's a conversation in the company . What's your call Going around the room. Come, wanker, arson. Prick. Darren, what have you got? Yeah go prick. Well , prick it is show of fans Prick . Idaho's hossa. So anyway, I thought that quite's cle ar. I thought fair enough, so I ended up saying it sorry. I'd a bit tosser and I ended up sharing it on my because I thought, Oh, I was fair enough actually. I've got f glreeasses . And people say to me, yeah, you got to say gifted now. I was like, no, I'm never going to do that. I'm never doing that. So anyway, I said, Cubits did this, blah blah blah. So I did it on my stories. They didn't I didn't tag them because I didn't want them sharing it. They're not getting that, all right? But you know, they've got something out of it. I don't know what. But anyway, anyway, no body bad. So a few months later, I lost my sunglasses, so I thought, I'll make a joke out of it again. And I went so I told that whole story about glasses. I went, they wrote prick on it, blah blah and I went but I said, well, at the end of the day, I got three glasses. I said, Funny, I'm speaking of glasses, I recently misplaced my sunglasses . If only if only I misplaced my cubits sunglasses, if only there was someone out there could help me. And then lo and behold, day later day messaged me again and said, You want sunglasses now, do you? I went, yes, please, same address. And they went okay, there'll be another engraving on the arm. So anyway , the glasses come through in a case and another letter has said , yeah, we're sorry again that we've neglected you again. I hope you appreciate the new engraving and open the glasses and on the arm it said careless prick becausecause I lost the previous band I thought the station. Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad, is it? But anyway, as an ending to that, the other night I was in the pub, just about a week ago I was in the pub and I was standing at the bar and this guy came up to me and he went, Oh, excuse me. You had a screen and he said, Yeah, yeah, he said Oh have you got he said sorry I know this is weird have you got prick engraved on the arm of your glasses? And I went, yeah, yeah, I said, You saw my Instagram story, did you? And he went, What? I said my Instagram story and he went, Oh no , I'm the one who engraved it . Imagine going up to me and saying, Oh , I called you a prick. And then I said to him, All right. I said, Are you the person who wrote it on the sunglasses as well? And he went, Oh no, I don't know about that. So there's there's a different person in the company called me a prick and he wasn't aware of the other one. Oh, that's brilliant. What a good company. Well, they're only I think they're only I think they're only based in London. I'm not sure. Maybe they've got some other cities I don'.t know they're only a small company. I mean because I was going to say they should really sponsor the podcast, but I'm like, what's the point if they're a little company? They forget it. If anything, you know, spec savers, you know, spec savers, we're looking at you. We're looking at you. And I spend a lot of money at Spec Savers. If you want to get one up on the young up starts, will you guys? And also we'll just we'll read out your, you know, we'll say go to go to spec savers, you know, they've got fantastic , you know, I'm just workshopping at the moment. Go see . They've got well just less workshop just throwing stuff out there. Yeah, specify. If anyone from Spectavor is listening and you want to pick up on this, listen, just wait , we got to make it sound, you gotta make it sound like natural banter to go Rach. You know, Rach. Rate, hello, Rachel . Yes . Fuck . That can't be it. All right, I'll do it again. How are you going? What are you doing where the only person you're talking to is calling your name and you're just staring into the distance? You looking at your phone? I was looking for my glasses which are from specovers and I can't find them Okay well don't look don't look I'll do it again. Alright well listen listen Oh Rachel Yes Al What is it? Why are you saying it like that? Heights Yes, sir. Listen, let's try it again. Oh my god. All right , wait, hey, hey Rachel , what? You really think that they want to be associated with us with that attitude. All right, do you know what? I'm not even gonna not going to talk to you and you just chip in when you when you feel like it could be a natural conversation. Hey oh yeah. Oh , hey, I've just heard hey the other day I got a fantastic new pair of speck new pair of specs. Oh yeah, where did you get them from ? Spec savers fantastic a fantastic range and really excellent one of the most excellent glass that I've seen in glasses. Oh yeah. Where are they? You can see through them, like you can see through them and in a certain you, can also with glass, you can also make fire, like I've seen it in like Lord of the Flies and stuff like that and you put it on grass. How much do I reckon that's worth then? Do you remember when we did the Lord of the Flies singing and I cast this piggy . Sorry And when we did that filming and I cast your piggy for ders of flights . Was it Yeah, why was that? Why was that though? Because that's completely ob obvviousious.. I'mly Jack I'm obviously the main person like No, I am obviously, but now I get it. I'm a character actor. I'm a character actor. So you like, it's obvious the most but that's how people get known. It's like the most miscast. You're like, Oh my God, that is so is obviously not piggly, especially at the moment goes clearly he goes to the gym three times a week twice normally, but sometimes three times and sometimes he doesn't he's got a little routine on his phone he doesn't always follow it and just goes on the rowing the rowing machine for five minutes and goes home sits so boring but other than that yeah why was I cast as piggy and it's kind of kind of we've been doing that like BBC lear , it was fucking years ago. Probably over ten years. But why was I yeah, I'm just confused. I asked you so Piggy is Piggy is the character in Lord of the Flies. If you've read Lord of the Flies or watch an adaptation of it, it's some children on the maroon on a desert island and they go feral and piggy is physically I'm sorry to say the weakest of the group he's, slightly over weight with glasses and he has asthma and he ultimately well I won't ruin the surprise for you, but it doesn't end well for Piggy, it does not end well for Piggy. So what's confusing about that is I'm not overweight, although my BMI, according to my doctor is at the top end of the range it should be, which is mental do that. But yeah, but for anyone listening who's tall, I promise you , that's where they fuck you. That is where they fuck you. That's when they go, well, you be a mite. You go, if it was lower, you wouldn't I'd be a rake, you wouldn't be able to see me. What about if you're five foot two and a half? Yeah, I wouldn't know. Probably gonna die. Yeah, I would have would have yeah, probably could've even step over a fence. But anyway, so the pig is slightly confusing. Yes, I wear glasses, but as we've established the cubits, if they're fashionable, I. guess Yes my BMI might be at the top in the range, but it's certainly I certainly am not considered overweight. And see, I don't have asthma. So I have nothing in common with piggy whatsoever. That's what's confusing. That's what's most confusing me conf used. Well, mainly it was just the delight of telling it. Right. Yeah, so can it be piggy It's sort of the way Hitchcock used to torture he' blsondes. You know, I'm like the Tippy Hedron or the one of the other ones. Yes, that's exactly it. Who's the one in the birds? What's her name? Kim Novak. Like, I'm like that . I'm like that. And you're big, big fat old hitchcock to Fatty Hitchcock. A little Alfred trying to step over a little fence and falling flat on his fatty face. I should never tell you things you'll always tell me you'll always use it against me eventually . Who would play you in the film of your life? Oh that is great a question . Great question. Mackenzie Crook . I would say it would be someone. I just don't think who's I want you I sorry to retract the question No, no, no, I'm just well , let's just think about this for a minute. So it would be someone that it would be someone with a certain jois devive. It would be someone with a certain a certain something. So we're looking at mental health problems. No, not that complex . I've got it I've got it written on the form. It's called acute anxiety, neurosis and depression. It's really fairly straightforward diagnosis . But anyway that wouldn't be fact that wouldn't be factored into the casting . It would be and we're looking at a gosling AKA Ryan, first name Ryan or I don't know any other fil m stars. Who's another film star? What have I watched recently? Ryan Gosling. Can I can I actually tell you about a film I watched the other night? It's the worst film I've ever seen in my life? Go on. People don't like slagging a film. you If stag off a film, people go, Oh, but a lot of work went into it. I go, well, doesn't, you know, what do you want me to do with that? Slag , what was it? Yeah , it was Disclosure Day , the new Spielberg film and it is fuck, really. It is so so bad you honestly can't believe it when you're watching it. It's like it was made in like nineteen ninety eight or something. Nothing makes sense. You're like, it's about like what would you, you know, what would happen on earth if like suddenly the government went, yeah, there's aliens and we've been hiding it. It is so stupid. I saw someone describe it as a bad episode of the Exiles , it is so much worse than that. Really? You it's honestly shocking. When you watch it, you go it's like a boomer film because they're not aware of that excuse right. They're not aware. It doesn't make sense. You like at the well, I won't ruin it, but you like that doesn't make it shall I? All right, well the whole thing is like it doesn't make any sense because you like if that footage was like on the internet, people would just go, yeah, it's not real. And it's sort of passed off in the film as like, Hey, we run a check on it and it's not AI. You know, it just doesn't make no one would believe it anyway. It's so that maybe so angry because it's like we're like premiership footballers miss. It's like there's you're being paid . Yeah. You're being paid. You know what? I was thinking when I was watching it, I was like, I can't believe this is the guy who made minority report, which is another psycho one but really good. And Warrior Worlds I think it's brilliant. But the thing is they've lost touch. A hundred percent agree. They're too rich . Well, he was always rich at that point, but he's obviously still able to sort of knock his own decently. Yeah , but still loved film I guess. Yeah, I suppose. But and then also if you watch Jaws I guess it's like a shoestring budget and it's so much better for it. You just got those three guys in a single set really for the majority of the fil m. But yeah, this one is fuck me. It's it is I will watch it now. I'll watch it to hate it, which is one of my favourite ways to watch something . I think you'll be I honestly I would honestly advise against it. I think it would honestly it's yeah, it's that bad . Every aspect of it is bad and these so cringe. It's like the aliens are here to teach us maybe there's a better world and all that stuff . Just if there's aliens in the film, I want 'em to try and eat people. Did that film go to ? Yeah, one hundred percent. The best alien film ever to my mind is Arival. We've seen that. What ones that again? Dennis Villenberg, although I don't think that the aliens don't try and eat any one . No, but it's so good. I know the one you're talking about. It's like an emotional one. Yeah, Forest Whitaker and Amy Adams and Yeah, I prefer if the aliens are trying to eat. No, they actually they're quite sound the aliens in that. Yeah, I don't like they're quite sound. Do you know what? They're all right. You know what? I had a chat with one of 'em. He was alright. Well, alien then , that's brilliant. But that one arrival. I'm like, why are they making such a fucking meal out of this? Like just say what you want to say. It's all this like go back Yeah but if you go back at all point of the film Yeah that's like go back in time you, have to go back and in time time is a loop and it's a surf and all that. I'm like, just fucking send a text mate. Just send a message, just come down the aliens of Yeah, just send a text, use Google Translate or something . Like the way they come down in those monoliths, that would be enough. You'd go, okay, fair enough, you can't fake that. Although you would assume it's fake or it's some sort of government, you know, a new untestested aircraft Ruin this film for me. But no, but let me tell you like once they come down in those big blocks of whatever that is, I'm like, okay, you've managed to come all this way. What you want to say? Just what have you got to say for yourself? That's what I'd go I'd march in if I was one of those sergeants in that field of the general of the army , I'd march in there and I'd go what the bloody hell is this all about. You've called absolute mayhem out here can you just say what you have to say and get the hell out of here because you are causing you have been nothing but problems from the second you step foot on this planet, you have caused nothing but problems. People around the world now are really scared and they're really panicking and I don't know if you're proud of yourself you, sure are hell shouldn't be sunshine. How would you say that? Well, I'd say what do you mean ? I'd say it like that. To the aliens . Yeah, right. If they're so sophisticated What if they can't understand you? Well, they then should have then unfortunately before they came here they should have learned the language as far as I'm concerned, it's simple it's simple as that. You can learn a basic if I go on holiday I promise you this is true. If I go on holiday , I learn a few key phrases. And I'm being completely serious. If aliens come down here, if they're that clever , how do they not know ? Do you know what? If I'm going on holiday to Italy, I will learn please and thank you . Why? Because it's common courtesy, but these are so you're the only person to ever do that. That's what everyone should do. So why don't the aliens in a rival do that ? A simple please and thank you goes a long way. It goes a long way. So do they do that in every planet? They just turn up like a drunk brit abroad on a stag do going no not learning the language. Do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to make it really complicated you have to go back in time and go forward in time or whatever the shit that is. Just please and then it's passed off as like yeah, but they o,perate in a different dimension. Well we operate in this one Mate to get with a program or get the frick out of it because I have had it up to here . You know when she keeps going in there and talking to them, I would lose my rag. I really would. Oh , she's trying to decipher the language that I can . She's how did but as I say to you as I said to you, there's simpler ways to do that, you know? There's simpler ways to do that. You just say, How do you say please and thank you? And you say, What is your name? I understand you. What are they doing here then? Fuck now. Do you know what? I have to have a camel tea and a nicotine lozenge before we record a podcast to try and chill me out. Do you know why? Because can I be honest? Do you know why? Because I talk a lot of sense and that's what and that's what it's not that is that is that. It's because I talk a damn a damn sight more sense than that film . That's what that means . Do you know what? I'd give up at that point. If I was that woman, if I was that character, Amy Adams character in a rival and you go in there a few times and I'd come down I'd come down and go, do you know what? I'm getting nowhere with this one. Let's just let them go do what they. Let's leave it. I'd just let go I'd go listen. I know you don't understand me but just don't cause any problems. Clean up after yourselves and we won't have a problem and are welcome. You know, I want to show you British hospitality. Don't take advantage of that and we won't have and we're not going to have an issue. And that would be it really. I'd say the British countryside is yours to Rome. Do not drop any litter , do not defecate and if you do we'll leave it we'll leave a couple of poo bags we'll leave a couple of poo bags over there for you Well these are right and gas and clean up your afterself, clean up your poose for heaven's sake. Okay . It's not as good a film, is it? To me, that's a much better film. It's very short . It's twenty minutes, which would be ideal for you . I did Google once whether sometimes I get so confused about the alien films like the actual, you know, the , you know, the alien proper ones. Yeah, exactly the OGs, but I get confused about do they eat us or are they incubating us like what do you know what I mean? Aren't they using us as vessels? Yes, so why do they keep killing some of us then? Some of us they just bite our heads off. I'm like, you well, you've wasted an incubator there. Well, I guess they're retaliating, aren't they? They're being they're instinctively getting rid of the enemy. Okay, so once but they know that there's more of us they can take for the incubation process then. I don't I don't know. So my other question, I know you don't seem to be very up on this, which is a shame, but my other question is, so are they eating us as well? Are you not seeing actually eating us? I don't think they're eating us now. Okay. Zombies. So subpoint one . Why have they got such sharp teeth? Those teeth have evolved for chewing meat, you know? Or maybe not because they haven't got what we've got, like the back ones that chew in and we've got these ones and all that. So perhaps not. I mean, it was another for me, it was another problem with that film A quiet place. You know that one? Oh, I don't think I've I think I've only seen one of them. Yeah, what do they want? Well, they come down on this meteor and I only found this out recently, but apparently the reason they keep killing , you know, that whole film is about you can't make a sound because they'll get you, right? So that whole film is about I didn't know this, but apparently they're killing us because we're making noise like and it hurts their ears. They've got really sensitive ears. That's right, which I've got to have some sympathy for yeah, yeah, I do get that because that would be annoying. But at the same time, it's another case of okay, it is, you know, it is quite noisy here. It's like when Sadi Khan said , you know, if you live in Soho, you don't really have a right to complain about nightclubs. You know, and I feel that way about the aliens. You know, if you come to Earth, yeah, it is occasionally quite noisy , you know, and similar to films, they come to like built up cities. For goodness sake, if you have quiet life, there's the British there's nothing better than the British countryside. But although having said that, there's already some other aliens over there at the moment from arrival. So I'd stay out there way because they were very quiet very gas they're a bit of a, you know, they're a bit of a mysterious lot. But these ones apparently they kill you. But again, it's the issue of when you see their teeth, they're really sharp. So you're like, Okay, what are you eating then? You're not eating berries. I'm sorry you're eating. Yes, they must be eating eating. Yeah, what are they eating? Right. Heavens sake. It's amazing to me that that film got green lit and no one in production went anger in it. Hold on, hold on a second. What are they eating us? What's their diet? They don't you know what executives are like. They don't think like that. They're like telling them, you know? They're just what celebrity can we get in this? Yeah , yeah. Well, it's worth thinking about, isn't it? It's worth considering, yeah. Maybe they're like eating sheep and cows and things like that. Could be maybe there is a bit in the film about that , but again , maybe you show it. That's what I liked about the Walking Dead. It's like yeah, so simple . Yeah, they're eating us. We don't have to let's not overcompensed. They did sort of change the rules, didn't they? In the same like that, yeah. No, they just made it more exciting. There's a fucking fly in here. Oh, I've got one in here, a really big one. Massive bastard. Yeah. I've done that thing where I've shut it out the room and a sudden I've got her own the room. It seems like it's sort of a metaphor for something, doesn't it? Like I've just shut it out for a while somehow got to confirm you know it's going to come based the return of the repressed fly, you know, I've got to confront it, but it's out there at the moment. I know it's out there. Yeah. Horrible thought, isn't it? Oh God, it's awful . Yeah. Yeah, yeah, there's things go, there's things summertime . Yeah . That's why I avoided therapy for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather suppress it. Yeah, bury it yeah yeah yeah I think I agree with that . I think I will always come eventually yeah I mean that's the that's the problem I've had recently with that is that once you once you sort of pick up that sc ab, you kind of can't unpick it again. You've opened that box. You can't shut it. And then you got to deal with it. You open the box and all the things jump out. You're like, I've got to catch every one of these and put them back in the box and it's going to take forever and I wish I hadn't fucking opened it . They'll jump in grasshoppers everywhere girl. Yeah , that one can kill me. And occasionally you'll have a session where you're like, wow . Yeah . Wow . And then you're like, Oh yeah, fuck . Yeah. 'Cause it pops its little head over when you're at least expecting it. Yeah. Oh, that thing where you sort of yeah, it's a thing for me . I hate exercise. I hate eating wow. I hate therapy. Yeah. All I want to do is just lie down eat crisps. Die. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, eat crisp. No, I meant eat crisps. What you said? The one you said . Sorry, I've got the wrong, I've got the word wrong. That does absolutely sum up my personalities . I just let her lie down and have a nice bag of salt. Well, I can't argue the crisps cause me all sorts of problems now . You know, it's all gone now . That's three days . It's three days. Oh God, I'm so thirsty. I'm so thirsty . Kick down to the doctor and go I'm a hundred percent diabetic. I've got a kidney failure. He goes No, you've got tested, younger either of those things. Is that the only thing that's not wrong with me? You're going to come back. You know, I'll be back in a month, don't you? Yep. I'll see you then. Maybe I have to think I maybe have to think I can think about being told I've got high cholesterol and I keep saying I know I can get it down. I know I can get it down and then I go again and gloves . They're like, look, there's just to let you know your scription for statins is waiting for you and I'm like, I know I can do this. And every time I go and get it checked again , it's just a bit higher. It's so funny that that's how you're gonna die and you just all you have to do is take a tiny pill to get it fit. Yeah, but I feel like Statins is for old people . I got ID for alcohol the other day . You joking? No , no offense, but are you fucking serious ? Yeah, it leads That's mad. It's like ID and Judy Dench . That is insane Owl, no it isn't insane. Did you say in Leeds? Yeah , why ? I bet maybe you do look in Leeds. But you know what , you know what's weird is because I was ideed so much because I'm sure as a youngster , that initial like shame was the first emotion I felt. Please f donace't an ID. It was so embarrassing being ID , you know, in my twenties when all my friends were getting served and I had to take my passport out of me. 'Cause you didn't want to look younger. You wanted to and now so that residual shame popped off. So what did you say when the person said that? I'm forty five What did they say? And then I was like, actually this is brilliant. It sounds like a sound it would be like a really bold lie if you were seventeen . You went forty five if fuck sake . It's like you don't have to you don't have to go that far. You can can do do you . It's like have you got your fake ID Got fake ID saying I'm seventy two didn't it's too much it's silly it's silly but anyway, yeah, I think it's just because I looked young and I was wearing a cab and they couldn't see my haggard face. Yeah, that must that must be it 's only a thing I can only think I can think of really. Come on. I think we should do I think we should introduce a feature. Okay You absolutely have to get me out of this. Yeah, okay, great. So tell me about the feature. Well, it was your idea. Yeah, no, I was just trying to I was pretending to make us sound natural like a sweat exactly I was n't doing it. I was trying to manufacture some banter like the other podcast do Rachel get on board fuck it now No please I can't do that . Yeah, I know. Okay, so yeah so tell me tell me you absolutely have to get me out of this. I was thinking about this and it's like, you know, anytime someone asks you to do something, you're like, this is a n ightmare. I don't want to whatever it is, if someone asks me to do it, I'm like, just it just ruins my day, ruins my week, ruins my year. I don't wanna. It doesn't matter what it is. Could you pick up that bit paper off the fl Ohoor. my god, why don't you just kill me? Like it doesn't matter. But it's mostly really about things like someone's invite someone close to who has invited you to a wedding in another country or you've got to do a work thing that's slightly embarrassing. They go, Oh, you got to go to this work event where it's very it's really simple. It's like we're just doing a workshop where you just introduce yourself, say a little bit about yourself. Stuff like that where once you get the email , if it's like three months from now you, go I'm going to hand in my notice before I have to do that because I can't I literally can't bear it. I can't do that. I will just get another job or I'll be unemployed and die because I'm not doing that . So you absolutely have to get me out of this. If for anything where you just let us know and we will figure that out for you. We will get you I promise you there will be a way out of it. Sometimes, well, I don't want to spot it, but sometimes you have to go nuclear. I don't really want to say what that is yet. But I think we all know what we're talking about there. You I think we save it. But generally there's a few options You be very vague and you know so sorry I've got a family issue at the moment. Very nice and vague people . Yeah, that's a good yeah, that's really good Yeah . Well, I do get migraines and my mum is quite ill and they're absolute bangers . Yeah , yeah. You cut you do migraine to me all the time. Well, I don't do the ones you do happened to my dog? Can I say this out ? You are the only person, one of the only people actually, and I mean this with absolute sincerity that I wouldn't lie to . Okay , because you're the only person also with you when we've like arranged to do stuff, we don't I think honestly one of the reasons our friendship has lasted as long as it has is because we make plans on the day . Yes. You know, it's like, do you fancy a drink tonight? Yeah, right. And that's as much commitment as we can bear. Do you fancy a drink tonight? Yeah, I would actually. Yeah, right. I see a bit. Lizzie said that to me. Our friend Lizzie said that to me, do you know that when she went messaged me once she, went John to come for a coffee in an hour. I went, oh, yeah, right. Because when I met her, I went that bit last minute and she very matter of factly because she's a smart person said to me, yeah, because if I said you want to do it next week you would have failed. And I went, yeah, it's true. I would have actually changed. Yeah, but if you got to get me on the hoof, you gotta leave even we make friends three days before. Both of us and we both do it are praying the other one cancels. Yeah, yeah. Praying. I'm not so that's, you know, now you asked about that one time I said, Look, I can't do tonight. You're like, that fuck . On that note Yeah. Anyway , wind it up . But yes, the feature is and the feature the feature is that you need us to make excuses for because we are good . We are good at that . Yeah. One time I didn't go to work because I said my house had been broken into. Oh wow. Yeah. But then you do have that when I worked in a pub and you do have to sustain it. Yeah, yeah. The lie and that's difficult. Yeah that's tricky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've checked out, haven't you? Have you checked out? Yeah, I'm sort of yeah, I've checked out, sorry. Yeah . Yeah . I think it's better to be honest. I do have a limit. I do have yeah, you can't fake it and I do respect about you. Yeah. You know where you're at. Yeah. All right, then don't die. All right then. Bye bye. Bye.