The Concept of Life as a Seesaw

I just got so annoyed. Just before I'll just tell you this quickly, I went to the cafe this morning . So if you think this is irrational? It will be , you don't know what I'm saying it will be. So why did you say that? Because of your personality. My personality is rational, I think so you know where you order the coffee and older the coffee, you know you have to in some places you have to walk a little bit further along to pick it up Yeah you know they drop the coffee and then yes I know I'.m just trying to explain it, Jane because she didn't know. So not all coffee shops do that. Yeah. Okay . So ordered the coffee and they went, Oh, just collect it down the end there. So I waited, you know, if you have to stand there for a minute, you know, just standing there waiting. And there was a book in front of me a, man there was standing there talking to the woman who was serving up the coffees. Right. So she's putting the coffee's. Yeah , I was so annoyed. But he wasn't holding her up. Like she was still able to she was just talking going, Oh, right, yeah, yeah, it wasn't holding up. But the fact that he was standing there and taking up like a millimeter of space. It just all I had to do really is just reach around him slightly to put the lid on. But the whole time I was watching him thinking that this fucking piece of shit doesn't move. I was so angry. I was like, but just to be clear, there was no queue. It wasn't causing any problems other than the fact that I need that space. I need the whole of that space because I've got to get the lid, you know, the lid's over there, put the lid on, you know, I don't know if sugar, but if you're reaching for sugar or stirr or whatever, and he was standing right there, I was so annoyed. I was so fucked. I think that would load of things like that. I'm worried about you. What do you mean? I mean, that is so irrational to find that annoying. So you just called him a come like five seconds. Yeah, yeah, ironically . Nah , really? Yeah . I thought you were on my side. I never am. I don't believe that for a second. How long have you been friends? A second I think too long. I think too long for you. One time where I've been on your own do. to I think it's time draw a line under it actually. I think it's time to move on because I've got the thing is I've got so many framers that I don't, you know, I've got options. I can't really know you anymore. I can't wow. I need to move on. I need to grow , I need to grow. You said you're really restricting me. You sent me and I'm not exaggerating . I would say like every night every other night, you send me a photograph of yourself drinking alone . You don't have many friends. And the ones you got yourself don't like very much. Okay, so that's that's libelous , that's slanderous . So first of all, you don't know it's an alcoholic dr ink. Okay Point two it is though every time. The bigger in shot. Okay, so point two, you don't know who I'm with. You don't have no idea . I do. It's nobody Ever heard of cropping the frame ? I've cropped the frame. I've cropped people out. But I know people the thing, here's the thing, here's the thing that you don't understand. I'll go to the pub and I ' seell someone and I'll go you alright mate. Okay, mind mind if I join you just said and they'll go, I'm sort of having a drink with mate. So I go yeah what's your name mate? And then I'll sort of shape there and they sort of go right I'm a pull whatever I go pole and then I sort of pull I go Mike got room for a little pull up the pew How you doing boy whose round is it? And they go yeah, we',re just just kind of we want to have a chat really. And I go, yeah, I love chatting. I love chatting. What's the chat? And they go, I think we're gonna go somewhere else. And I go, ooh . I think you're the only person Chinese. Should go for a Chinese? The even in your little imaginative tales, you'll think you still come out a loser. I don't see that as a loser. I see that as a gregarious person who people are happy to say people are you alright? Oh, there he he is is.. There It's like cheers. When I walk into a pub, it's like it's like the park and cheers where everyone looks at and goes, Hey, he's here. Oh yeah. Mate. Come on, come and join us. Sometimes I got this like mysterious. Sometimes I got this. Do you know what? I just got dr aink of my own tonight thing. I'm just having a chill button in my own chairs. Thank you, Lo, thanks. It happens all the time I go to all those you can't handle it. I go to all those pub s with you, all those ones around Depford where you normally go on your own and no one Dugum yeah go on no one bats an eyelid about you being there yeah because they can see I'm with company. You know, that's why if I saw my own they'd be that come up. They're like I don't want to disturb him like that could be like an exec like from Netflix or something like that and they're just trying to indefit. You think that's the idea that I give up. And he's pitching a dick . Fuck me. Do you know what's the worst part of it all? I think you're probably one of my best friends. Yeah , yeah. That's pathetic . Is it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah . It really worries me . Do you ever think do you ever think what your life would be like if you hadn't met me? Like how bleak? I wouldn't be. I wouldn't have as many hangovers. You wouldn't have any happiness, joy in your life. You don't make me happy. I make you incredibly happy. Your life would be I actually think I wouldn't say a disaster . I would say you'd be a much less happy person. You'd have a lot less joy in your life without me . And I say that and that goes the same for everyone I know. I think they think thank God I know him. That's why I haven't got many friends, but good friends. You know, Kelly. How many do you think you've got? I speak to at least once every two months and that is at least at least I keep my friends close and I keep my enemies closer . I think I've got more enemies than friends at home. Of course you do . You hate everyone . I like more people than you and I hate most. about I've told you my list haven. Yeah, this list of anyone who's ever wronged me, they go on the list, got it from my desktop, little list. You threatened me a place on it once a week. What had you done now? Corrected you m,ild ly corrected you on something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tried to destroy me. You will never destroy me. Mildly corrected you. What does that mean? Just like pointed something out like earlier when we were trying to set up this and I don't I did mine perfectly and you were just dithering around having a no, having a meltdown , having a total meltdown. No, no, it wasn't. It actually wasn't. But can you hear yourself for a minute? I did mine perfectly. That is the words of a megalomania. That is a psychopathic sort of Elon Musk would say, I did mine perfectly. That's what you sound like. That is insane. You press the button. Me, I am okay, I'm about perfection. I'm let's not let's get the let's get the levels let',s get the levels right . Let's get the graphic equalizer on three point eight, you know, or whatever it is. Like I'm let's sort out. And then I'm like, what wavelength is this? Maybe we should record on a different what's the what output you' arere using? I'm like I'm like I'm like on top of this stuff I'm like I can't see I've looked on the bar and it's not there I'm like I'll just go to your settings, go what did And I do? And what did I do? You ignored me completely and it took Buddy to point it out. No, I didn't even know he said Rachel was right if you'd have just done what Rachel said. Did he say that? It says something along those lines. Pear time to put buddy on the list. I was not aware he wanted to he was doing very quick. I need to kill myself . It doesn't matter. I don't believe in that . When people say they said it in a kind, you know, when people go, Oh, they told them gave them criticism in a kind way. I don't believe in that. There's no such thing . You know, you may as well you have stabbed someone in the throat . I got a real shiver then of like just I don't know what it is. A shiver of what? Dunno, just like, it's so annoying. Am I? Yeah . So I was thinking the other day, you know this singer everyone's talking about now, Olivia Deen. Do you know her? Never heard of her? Never heard of her. Okay, so she does. You hundred percent know her. She's all over the place at the moment. You will one hundred percent know she is. She's an amazing voice, right? She's never seen her before sort of soul British sort of soul singer. But people have gotten mad for her. If you read the comments under any of her why don't people what's the deal? Tell me, fill me in. I think she's got a really good voice and I think it's like she's just a nice sort of presence . You know what I mean? Just a sort of nice person and she's obviously got a good stylist who dresses her well and stuff like that. That looks fantastic in the world. Yeah . So people in the comments go absolutely wild for it. But they say if you're looking at it now, they say things like she is the moment , she's everything . And what I was thinking was, here's what's confusing me. People don't say that about me. I've never seen anyone say that. And that's confusing. Yeah, yeah, people go I saw once they just said, young charismatic, talented, what's not to like? And I thought, why don't people say that about why don't people say that about me? That's mad . That's a mad question Why don't people say that about you? Wait, let me look her up as well. I would say people don't say that about you because you're old . Okay , but all this has to go. No, let me answer the question. No , now all this has to go because you're funny looking. You're sorry sorry, a. But what? Go back a bit. What? Padded. Did you just say padded? Palid. Padan ding even worse. Sallow who's fucking Shakespeare. Pallid, he art pallid and sallow I observed from the window of Catford Library. Pallid and sallow That's disgusting actually. That's really a disgust ing way to talk about someone. I'm just describing what I'm looking at. Look at you No, no, no, I don't like this. I feel sick. You're making me feel sick But why else don't they say? So they say about her she's like of the moment? Yeah When do you think you were of the moment ? Where ? Down somewhere near the bottom my side . No one is like it do you feel like moment the moment's coming? Moment's coming. Hey day, heyday's coming. Heyday's always on the horizon. It's good to know. Hey, is on the horizon? Yeah, no, it's good to know. Good. I mean, I'll let you know, but you know, you know, it's always just on the horizon, you know? Yeah. It's a good question though. Appreciate the question. You're going to say about that one time and it was about four years ago where Jim Owen, our friend Jim Owen said, You look well . He did say that. Yeah. He did say that. I know, but it was a long, long, long time ago . And you were said, No , let me finish. You were so excited it that you rang me on the spot . No, because just explain because let me just let me just go through let me just go through this again and explain we should actually get him on get, him on actually to dis cuss this because I think it's important. But I have let me just tell you what happened. I walked into his office, just walked in so normal day. Really wasn't thinking anything really. Walked into his office. First thing he said looked up, he went, Padi, he went out, Badill, you look well, you've been on all day . Straight away. I went, what? What the hell? No, I just been doing that. I've just been being I said, I've just been busy being me. Whatever the hell that's done for me. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. But he said, Really? Because he said she's got to have a big break. And there was only I mean that was a matter of weeks ago. That was Years . Oh, it took two hundred weeks ago. Still weeks. Doesn't matter, does it? It was weeks . And you know what the tragedy of you saying this one is you have been trag ic about it. You have told me this story and bearing in mind it was it bamboozled you so much that you weren't I've got to find my chore teller. So I was experiencing it in real time in the moment. You've told me this story, I'm gonna say thirty , thirty odd times. Joe, I wanted to tell you someone sent me I had nearly sent you this article because it was making me laugh so much. Do you know what a gooner is? I'm not talking about an arsenal supporter. I'm talking about like an online phenomenon. Oh no, I didn't. I only know arsenal. a matter This is this is mad. So someone sent me an article from , you know, like Vulture or one of those type of online publication, you know, like the Atlantic, whatever, one of those things. Anyway, it was about this new thing in the sort of guys do, young men do. And it's like an internet phenomenon like a manosphere thing, right? No, listen, this is so fun . So anyway, what it's about is basically like edging, you know, like basically wanking all day with out coming, right? So it's just but they pornography addicts, they are pornognography addicts to the point where they cannot function anymore and they send it there's all these online forums myself so mad. They send each other pictures of their bedrooms and they call their bedrooms the Goona cave , right? And in their pictures, they've got like three laptops set up with pomplay on and all of them. They're screen grabs everywhere. It's mad and the whole thing is they can massive for like eight hours or something like that. They just keep going , but it's taking up all their time and their whole thing is no I don't want to sex with anyone because it's too it's too threatening I don't want to meet anyone and blah blah blah. It's like a control thing that I know this works for me so I need to be like this. But then there's a bit in an article about this bloke because this is but they're not Jizzen. I think they do eventually, but I think the whole point is they just sort of make it last forever. Fuckin' now. Come it. I know, I know. But there was there was one bit about this guy's a businessman who set up a sort of convention for them . And this is so funny . I had this sort of place in this hotel where they can all do it together, but it's not a game that 's not . know You what ? That's it. It's over. Bernas. What do you mean? What do you mean? The world in the bin . What? Because some bloat starts to overweight together. Yeah , that's a bit that's a little bit that's a little bit much. It's just no I think it's over. No, I think it's done . I think we're done now. I kind of agree, I think. I was thinking this other day I was watching this . Have you seen these TikToks or these videos of it's an AI generated video? I was tweeting about this. is This an AI generated video of a woman in a kitchen, right? It looks really real and she's cutting a cake that looks like a cat, right? It looks exactly like a cat. Hang on where we're going with this? Is this animal? No, no, hang on, hang on a minute, no, no, no, no, no, no, not. Listen. And there's a real cat, not a real cat, but an AI cat watching, right? Watching the woman cut the cake cap and the cat screams and runs away and the woman goes , Oh silly, it's just a cake like that. So there's hundreds of these videos that copy the exact they're all AI generated and it looks kind of you know, for you and me we look at it and go OS AI is obviously AI but, a lot of people can people't tell what to say. And people comments going, this is disgusting. You're traumatizing that poor animal. And people underneath are them going, Oh no, it's AI. And then the first person will reply and go, it doesn't make it right. Some people shouldn't have pets. You're like, yeah, but it's not the whole thing is not real. It's probably never happened ever in the history of life. It's never happened. It doesn't make it right. It's sick. You're sick. So I was looking at that thinking , so it doesn't matter now . Even if you put the Saura, you know, watermark on it or whatever, do you know what I mean? Like if you said this is an AI video at the top of the screen, it doesn't matter. People go people their confirmation biases like, yeah, but I don't want this. It's all feeling now. Do you know what I mean? People can't engage with their brain anymore. They're like, no, no, sir, but this is sick. I'm going to call the RSPCA about what? Nothing's happened. It doesn't matter. The RSPCA field in calls. Hello. Yeah, someone's just cut up a cat cake in front of a cat and a cat was freaked out. Yeah, we're getting a lot of these calls. It's not real. It doesn't matter. Do you know what I'?m ending my direct debit to you, that's your attitude. People think it's real. Fucked aren't they? But it's like everything. There's another one there for like an AI video and it showed like kids praying like that, like bowing down to Mecca. And this video was like, All school children have to be taught this in school now. They have to pray to Mecca every morning. And people at comments going, I mean, they obviously don't. It's obviously not and the person was like, This is on the curricul um, the national curriculum. They're so far gone these people and again. This is AI, it's clearly AI, it's not real. People reply and going, we know it goes on. This, yeah, this may be AI , but we know it goes on. So it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter. I agree with you. I think it's civilization ending technology. I think it's okay. Yeah . Yeah, we've just got a I guess people will just log off maybe or just get off the internet now because it's it's unusable, isn't it? You know, it's unusable. It really is. I mean I got succkered in the other day. I really like videos of dogs saving children. This is going to be the maddest one. This is going to be so stupid . This is gonna be like I was watching this video the other day and this giant sort of monster come out of the sea and they were saying Godzilla, it's Godzilla. I was like, What where the hell is this? Where the heck where the hell? It was mad. It knocked this World War two plane out the sky. I'm like, that World War two plane was just flying an innocent pilot World War two that you get every day . Go on, what was it? Well, those of them are real , although why have they put the camera there? Anyway. What do you mean loads of them are real? So my algorithm on Instagram, I've worked really hard now to get it just dogs and yeah, dogs and like people fallen over. Like I could not hing political on there anymore, like nothing remotely depressing. It's all right. You know, I've worked really hard. But can I just say with that right? I sort of do the same for mine's all table said it's. But now and again, that thing with Mandani, you know, when he won the Mayor election, I clicked on a few of that view china. I was like, I enjoy this like because then but it was like people were happy and say, I'm like, oh this is cool. Yeah. But now it's like fed me a load of other stuff like the horrible stuff. So I'll do all that on like the news, you know, I'll watch the news or I read a paper for that stuff and buy paper. I mean app arently but yeah so basically these videos it's like dogs saving toddlers and babies and stuff like that from stuff happening so like one jumping out to stop cushion the blow of like a telephone and they really make me cry, make me really feel stuff. But then like I was watching a few more of them and then it was like panthers like a big panther just like going for a kid and then and I was like, wow and like lions and vultures and I think the vultures I know the exact one you're talking about a tiger like leaping at I've seen where a kid falls into the enclosure Oh no they fall into the and the tiger sort of strokes and the stuff and it cuts to the audience you know the crowd watching going Oh, my god I'.m like , it's so AI you get a lone voice going Oh my god The kid fell in the tiger enclosure comments going animals Animals are beautiful Yeah because you think would the tiger would eat one him hundred? percent would eat him. And people go, oh, look at that. Gorilla one is that not real then? What one's that? A gorilla helps a little boy that's dropped down. He brings it up. I don't know why you'll think back up to the mother or the people anyway, benefits the mother. I would say that's fake. Oh well here we go then. What's that? Yeah I would say with my thing with gorillas is I'm actually terrified of gorillas. I'm like have you ever, seen a gorill a up close? They're so muscly like they could destroy you hench . Yeah , but yeah, I don't trust them, you know, I don't trust them. I think leave them be, leave them be in the jungle. Yeah and we don't we don't encroach on them supposedly. It does make me feel so I'm just turning a heating up. Someone's doing very well for themselves . Oh my God you got heating. Yeah. I've got one button that turns on the entire heating in the house. If I don't want it, I have to turn it off. I've no idea how the timer works. I just get too stressed out with stuff like that. It's like press this, press that . I'll fucking freeze to death. I'd rather die. I'd rather die than learn the timer. I know how to turn your heating on from that time I stayed in your house without you without you knowing. Do you remember that? Wait, no, what was this? What happened? I'd stayed. This was when I was between homes and I was staying at yours with you there. I was in your spare room and you gave me a key and then there was one time when I was in London I didn',t have anywhere to stay so I kept wait, where was I? You're on holiday as per I text. I'm never on holiday. Are you mad? You don't understand what you're like, you don't understand what you're like. Holiday. No, no, no, can I explain something? That's for my mental health. By the way, I just had a I just got a massive loan today. I'm fucking over the moon. I mean, if money grows on trees, it's mad . You can just No, no, no, you need to and they go, yeah, fine. Because this sort of stuff, when you tell me things like this, it genuinely keeps me up in an eye. I worry about the fact that you drink alone, I worry about the fact that you're getting weird loans up. I worry about the fact that one day you're in there. The next day you're just abroad , Hey, hey, we still meeting for dinner. Oh no, I'm in Serbia. But no, but let me explain let me explain something about that. I said I can't I don't I don't need to explain myself to you actually. I don't need to explain myself. No, I don't I don't you're doing this. You're doing that. You shouldn't be you shouldn't be lie. You shouldn't be lying on loan application forms to get loans that you that you can't pay back and get a first worth of debt. Oh God, chill out. Chill the fuckin' everyone's in that these days. You are that's rude. Oh yeah, I am though I am I'm selling everything . Yeah, go on. So you went in my you stayed in my flight. I don't remember I was . I didn't tell you for years. Why have you got a key? You gave me a key from when we were doing that filming and I was staying at your house. Hang on, have you still got a key? I think I gave it back to you. Oh . Well, anyway, and I mean this and I don't mean this in a weird way. One day can I come round and look through your keys to check you haven't got one because this will keep me awake at night. It doesn't matter keys in my art studio. I will go through them then because I'm not comfortable. And I know which one it is because I spilled pink paint on it. So you said, Oh my God, I do know the exact key you're talking about. I know the exact oh I think I've got that. Oh, okay, I've got it. Yeah, I think you asked for it back after I stayed in your house for a week . Yeah. You've gone on holiday. You were there for a week. Oh, at least a week. Yeah. Really? I kept texting, Hey, when you back? You' likere probably, not until Wednesday and I'm like fucking yes Oh my god this year fucking It was really bad. Even I knew it was bad. A mutual friend of ours, Dan dropped me around there and he was like, Are you sure I was cool with this? I was like , knowing he wouldn't be. Because why would you be? No one would be alright with that. No, no, it's match. It's mad. I had to forget about a week. Remember this, I must have been traumatized by I must have just gone. Well, I didn't tell you for about a year and a half two years that I'd done that. Hang on a minute. You stayed in my house without telling me for a year. So you didn't actually tell me you didn't tell me you were doing and a half. But you texted me beforehand. I texted you saying could I stay the night in your flat and you were like, yeah. Okay 'cause you were on holiday and then okay, but you stayed for a week and when I found out that you were away for like yeah, you were on like a two week holiday or something. I then just stayed for the duration of the holiday. That's crazy and I left the morning that you were coming back That is can't be true. You stayed that time so you knew the day I was coming back and then you left. Yeah. That's mad. Yeah . It wasn't my final example. I was selecting the sheets that you selected for a week and half? No, I slept on top of a sleeping , I slept on top of your bedroom. Really? Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. Why? You're lying. You're trying to stop. I promise you you can ask that on top of the bedding, you've already taken a piece. Then who? Kitson. He dropped me at yours. Well, see he had the he had the good grace to check, you know, he had well, he was genuinely worried about it . I guess he thought that you'd probably be quite pissed off . Oh dear . Oh dear. It's right. But I was in I was at such a that was when I was in that really low ebb. Do you remember? My dog had just died. Okay, so why did you sleep on top of the bed? Because I didn't want you to know I'd been there . Like goldilocks . Papa bears come in home to anyone listening, can I just say that was not a good time for me? Do you remember that? Okay . Do you remember you knew all your yeah, but all of these times blend into one because they happen so often. That was I've never been like that before . And I remember as well that we went for a curry and you wouldn't let me tell you anything about my law, any of the horrible details. Wait, I don't want to hear anything. I needed I, need and have ordered my beer and I need to have ordered the food so I can really enjoy it But you're making that sound likes it's a bad thing but, what I mean by that is you are you are at your happiest when I really know . No, no, that's not true. That's not true. Well, this isn't here's the way I see that. Life is a seesaw, okay? So if one person's down, the other one's up, you know, that's how it works. It's good it's good. If you have a friend who's really down, you're like, oh, at least I'm not like them. It's good. It's fantastic news . No, I'm kidding. I do sort of remember that and I remember thinking, Oh no, I want to sort of, you know, I want to be prepped. It's more about me being prepped so I can give you my undivided attention. Well, yeah, you were like once from the very beginning. Yeah. And I want to know absolutely no but I if it's because it was really blank . Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, no, that does that does sort of make sense. Yeah. But when you know when people go, Oh, I've got a story for you and you think it's shit or just, you know, a lie or something, you think, I can't bother. But then if it's something like that, I go, yep, go on okay, I need to go. I want to really absorb this and take it. That's exactly what it Yeah, it was like I'd really come undone and yeah you yeah that's the that's the longest you've been quiet I really unlisted unlistened good listener you were a good listener. Relish no, no, relishing invice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good listener. Hang on. Would you say looking back, would you say I gave you good advice? No really? You sure about that? Think back. Think back. You didn't give me any advice whatsoever. You just sometimes sometimes . Sometimes silence is the best advice you can give a friend. No it isn't. Yes, it is. Sometimes to let them ruminate on where they went wrong and how they can improve. Okay , can I give you some advice then? No absolutely not. Absolutely not. I don't need here's the thing, here's the thing. I don't need advice. You do. I don't need, I genuinely don't. If people give me advice, I go, why are you why tell are you tellinging me this? Would you give Christ advice? God go and give me some advice. Go in then, give me some advice. Picture up. Oh, okay, stuff like that. All right. Put a picture up and stop drinking on your own every night. I don't drink my own every night actually. I do. I don't When you say I don't, you'll have least gone for one. Okay, thank you. We got there in the end still drinking Yeah, but you're hang on, you kind of, but not quite because you're making it sound like you know, you're making it sound tserrible. Can I be honest because I don't like this? I actually making this . You hate this? Yeah, you really hate it when But can I just explain something? Got a couple of drinks, not more than that. I'm not even joking. I'm not I'm not even making that up. You think I'm lying? A couple of days. I don't think I'm then I'm coming home and it's just to kind of break the day. It's just to kind of break okay with you know like breakfast with breaking the fast then that's my break end , you I' knowm, having my break end time for a bit of bricky couple of points again is a bit of break end. I'm over my brick end . But you don't really stay at home at all. No, it makes me feel sick. What is it feel sick with anxiety ? Do you know what? The only time I'm not anxiety is if I'm just walking around, you know, just walking around looking at stuff I'm quite happy doing that. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean though? Yeah sometimes sit around and you're like fucking hell and now with it ADHD and all that there's no way I could watch a film forget it absolutely. Yeah I try to watch a film last night. They need to make films like forty minutes you know that 's going on what did you watch last night? Oh, I can't remember the name of it. Was it new ? No of course not . What do you mean? Oh, it's something you've seen a million times. No, no, to be fair, I haven't seen it before. All right. Oh man. What do you mean how old ? Daniel J. Lewis. Phantom thread. Oh yeah, scoop on that . It is yeah. Yeah . Okay, you did watch the film. No, no, no, I didn't get old. I didn't finish it. Started looking at dog videos and then thought I watched them. Yeah, but why watching a film where I can watch an AI video of a boy stroking a dog? That really, I think that really that really , I think that does get to the heart of that. It's like I want to feel good about a thing even though I know it's not real. So I'm gonna I feel terrible about the world. So I'm gonna watch an AI video of a thing I want to be true to feel better . But those are the ones I watch aren't AI I think it was only the kids being rescued. Yeah, I watch a lot of those dog ones actually. Oh yeah, you like the ones where the owners pretend to be attacked. Yeah, I watched those ones where the owner pretends to be attacked and the dogs don't give a shit and they just carry on eating their dinner . They really make me laugh. There's another one of this guy and he makes he's like a chef or something and he makes the most extravagant me als for his dogs. He's got three little dogs lined up at the table. He's really well behaved. You seen that one? Yeah. I make my dog and they don't eat it. Really? Yeah, a nice dinner. Well, I don't every day. I batch cook. Oh, really?? What do you mean What do you give him? Well, I'm always worried about Audrey's weight, so I like cook chicken. I get mint chicken mint or beef mince and then sweet potatoes and carrots and peas and really ? Not always peas, but sometimes dogs just add like a basic diet. You're giving them vegetables. Yeah, we well, I'm yeah, I'm trying to Audrey needs to lose a bit of weight so I'm just putting sweet potatoes good for them. Give her a bit of a zen pick. I thought you'd take the piss way more than that. That would be for that. What about giving your dog that kind of food? Yeah, about cooking them home cooked food every week. No , I wouldn't risk it. I couldn't risk it in case you flip out. This is the thing with your anger issues, which I do believe you have. You're the one that flips out. I never flip out. I never flip out. About half an hour ago when we were trying to set up the zoom call. No, I didn't. That was just trying to it's called being a perfectionist. And I just wanted to check all the levels of correct and everything like that . But with you, there is unfortunately always a hint of violence , which I think is a shame. Look, this is because I hit you. Yeah, punch me first. Yeah , lest we forget . I don't remember why I did that, but I do stand by the fact that you deserve it. There's no reason, no reason. I think you were mocking me at the time and I lost my right. I wasn't mocking you. You were n't mocking you. No, it's just trying to enjoy myself in the pub, avaluf with pals with friends by the way, not drinking alone. You emerged from the toilet absolutely hammered and off your face , made a bee line for me and chinned me . It does sound like that . It does, doesn't it? But it was funny that time ago it's really important that people listening to this. Yeah it wasn't forget physical assaults people should know it's bad. It's really ballast that you never did time for. You know I could have prosecuted you. Do you know that? Oh , you do know that. It wasn't very hard You know, you sound like you sound like a reform counselor. Well, I've all gone woke now. You punched me in the face . You struck me . Oh , I'm sorry. Imagine if I toppled backwards and cracked my head open. Can you imagine? Honestly, that's I'd hate that. Yeah. Because I don't have many . I've really only got five friends mate. No, don't you really get me down there. Luckily I've got a really strong jaw and it just it just sort of does make me wonder about whether I 'm not I'm not saying I'm going to turn pro now at boxing, but it does but I'm also not ruling it out because that to me demonstrated he's got a he's got a tyson like jaw, you know, he's got a very strong chin there and he could take a take a punch, you know? And I saw it coming and I was like, Duck, I could duck out the way here and give her a left hook. And I thought , let her have it. Like don't do it. Don't do it. You could. But I did I had an internal struggle in my head and I was like, you could with my training, I'm like, I could kill her, but I'm like, I don't, I don't want that. I don't do it. The voice the angel and the devil's on my shoulder going do it. I was like, don't do it because I saw it coming easily ducked out the way like Jason Bourne, and you know what? I thought let her have this one. He didn't. I know I just you just did that struck me. No, no, no, dude. Why are you making it sound like something Victorian dandy? I didn't say that. I went I remember it specifically. So in my head, first of all, I was like, Oh my God, I can see her going for me. I could easily knock her out of here. And a little voice in my head just went just went like this and went, Hey, let her have this one. Like that. And then I just turned around in slow motion, presented my face to you, and you chimmed me. And I remember after it, I didn't go, you struck me. I went like this. I remember looking you square in the eye and I said to you very calmly. I said, How did that feel? Feel good, did it? Striking a friend. You didn't say and you I said words to that to make you think, to make you think . Yeah. And I saw and I remember thinking my work's done here. I've made a I've made a thing. And if that made you feel better punching me in the face like a fucking psychopath, then so be it. No, I shouldn't. It's important that people know that I shouldn't have punished you . I think most people know that. I think most people know that. Children know that. I think most people know not to break the law. Looking back, I shouldn't have shouldn't have robbed the bank actually looking back. It was the murder was wrong . It was really wrong but I did. At the time, it seemed it seemed fun. But you had been very annoying that night and yet you can't list a single thing I did. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that curious have you seen Pluribus? Pluribus. Do you know what it is? It's like a new thing on Apple with do you know Rhea Seahorn she's in Beckwall Seoul? Oh fuck no but, I've seen this. Yeah, it looks good. Is it good? It's like got a good marketing campaign. Yeah , I like her. Yeah, it's quite good. Yeah, yeah. Okay, fuck, if you think it's good then it's got to be there's only two there was only two episodes. No, it's good. It's good. I think it's good. Blood ignora. Okay . But there's so much shy, isn't there? Yeah , god . Even stuff that sort of should be good now I watch I'm and like can,'t I can't do it. Like I'm not even getting to the end of episodes anymore . Yes, I'm yeah, I'm clocking out. Yeah, yeah. I mean the reason I stopped watching the film last night it was just it was two hours and I needed to go to bed but, I still yeah, I still did like ten minutes of dogs on Instagram when I could have been sleeping. Yeah, yeah, I don't think I should make long films anymore. I think the world has moved on, like stop doing it and don't make books longer than three hundred pages fucking make 'em a hundred, really. I don't see any reason I really don't find it with books because it's on our time, you know, you can pick it up and write it down. But like when someone does long yeah show , I think fucking edit it. Yeah . Edit time. It's yeah . Yeah. That's hard. Editing is really hard. Yeah. It's also fucking lazy . L itike's not good . It isn't good enough to be two hours. No, right. It's self indulgent really self indulgence. Like no one needs to see it. I was thinking that I was watching the new Frankenstein. You're using the new Frankenstein on Netflix? Oh no, it's a good no is a good. I want oned toce watch it was it looks like he's like , you know, sort of this gothic, but it's like two hours and thirty or something. There's huge scenes where you like get on with it. Like seeing someone like walk down the stairs, like just for example, it took about two minutes. I'm like, fuckin' now. We get it. The fucking fucker walked down the stairs. Jesus Christ . We didn't even fucking need to see him walk down the stairs. It's like stuff like that . But it's also like they paid the money they paid so much money for set staircase for that for that shop. Yeah, yeah, we can't lose this . This is like cost us five hundred grand to do this staircase shop. It took a whole day to shoot all the extras and it was that. There was a lot of people in the scene said we've got to use this. But again, it was like, you know, make the monster horrible. Jesus Christ. He's like this sort of actor 's like a and it's quite mad. He starts Who is it? It's not Jacob Jacob someone I don't know who is Properfitty. Chill out . From Euphoria? I've not seen Euphoria, but yeah, something like that. You look at him up. Yeah, I love that guy. Yeah . But a mad thing is in the Frankenstein it sort of grows his hair long, starts like dressing in a cool jacket and that. You know, he ends up being this sort of he probably gets a monkey doesn't he? There's definitely that well, here's the thing that I was saying to someone the other day about that. I was like, has Frankinson got a not? Because it's never mentioned. In one scene, someone gives him a bit of bread , right? But he doesn't eat it. So I was thinking, well, just can he eat? You never see him drink water , you never see him eat. So does that mean he doesn't shit? Like you've made the human. Where's the do you know what I mean? Like let's see this. Can he get can he ever win? Can he ever win? Yeah, you know, otherwise otherwise I don't understand and then he's going, I want a companion. Yeah, I don't like that. I need to know that I need to get it. I really need to know those sorts of businesses . Can he get aroused? Right. Then don't give him a girlfriend. Don't give him a love interest. Yeah, yeah, because well, that was a big part of it. It was like, oh, you know, he wants a companion. And I'm like, I'm like, you probably write your own mate. You know, I wouldn't worry too much. People are overrated. If anything, I'd say, come for a point with me . Come for a point with me. I'm a bit I haven't got any mates. I'd say I'm only having a couple, you know, I'm having a brick end today, Frankie, if you think she wanted . Frankie, you like these ? Come on, yeah, Frank, you want to join us. Even he would say no. I go, You hate Frank? Do you mind if I join you? No, you're right. Do you remember all the films you pitched me . What films? Where every single film was about you and the fact that your knob was too big I say good films say bye so afternoon I'd be like, This is a bird actually. I'd be like, okay, this is Guy He's an explorer. He's going round in the world. And I'm like, okay. And then I was like, But what happens? What's the park? Exciting. That's exciting. Yeah, yeah. What's the plot then he's like? Well, he meets his girl He meets his girl but he's lobst er Yeah I'm like I've got everything alright but what you know, what actually happens and then you got really shy, you're like, I think I just told you this . I'm like, No , no, that's not part . Well, it kind of is. It kind of is, it's got everything. It's got action, romance, adventure, right? You hurt, listen, you're not you haven't got your creative head on. Listen to what I'm telling. Listen to the pitch, an explorer. If a Walner Brothers executive or whatever was there, they'd go, okay, interesting. Tell me more. He's an explorer. He goes around the world. Okay, action, adventure. Love it already. Give us the what else happens. Well, he meets this woman, right? And he tries to have a relationship with her, but his knobs too big. Ah, romance, sex, intrigue. Love it. Commission , stem. Yeah, I know. I get that. Production commissioned. Yes, but then what happens in the script ? I just told you my dear . I've just explained the whole film to you. I think you understand. I think I do. That can't be the film. What do you mean? That can't be the film. Oh, we can't have sex my loss too big the end Well, it's like loads of other stuff happens. There's loads of other stuff happens. Yeah. But we're just improv that on the day. We're just improv it on the day. It doesn't matter. Oh god. No, I just got , I'm just Kevin. That's genuinely you though, because we've tried writing before and I've been in meetings with you and it's more or less that. Yeah, you know, we'll just do that. Yeah, and then we'll just work it out. Like, yeah no, and I want to get paid. You want to get paid? No, no, no, no , you don't need detail. What you need is a hook you need a hook and a vibe and you know does this meet the hook and does it meet the vibe? Yes, check, check. Okay, let's do this . Let's press ahead. You've just sometimes you've just got to go with the feeling of things. I do understand trust your instincts, right? Yeah, but I direct and I do need a script. No No, not really. If you listen, if you it, listen , listen, if you don't director my film, so even leaving aside the not being too big, the film would be there'd be a hell of a lot of action . So if you're saying to me, ow, we're shooting tomorrow. You haven't given me any script. I've got it this, put it this way. There's gonna be a damn lot of action tomorrow. And let's put it that way. And I'm talking fighting, shooting, car chases. And you're like, you've got none of that set up. You haven't given any scripts or sides to anyone. There's no set , there's no car, there's no guns. And I go, well, you better get moving then. What sort of car do you want? Doesn't matter. I'll make it put it this way. You turn up a tractor, I'll make that work on the day. I will make that work on the day. You know, if you go where there's no cars, we've only got a tractor. I go no problems. Where's the bad guys getting chasing me? I'm getting in the tractor. I'm driving across that cornfield and good luck aliens catching up with me. So that's another here's the thing about this film. That's another subplot. It turns out and I haven't told you one. It turns out I've been a farmer. , there's a sci fi. Yeah . Well, there's aliens and no, but there's aliens and gangsters and stuff. They're teenagers Here's the hook. I'm a humble farmer. And it's like a it's a story about the farming man master dick. Yeah, I've got that as well. But here's the secondary hook. I'm driving the tractor with my knob Fuck . That's great. That's great. That's a great tractor man. You know, it's got everything. It's about a humble working man. Right. You know, and all he wants to do is just play out the field, you know, with his tractor and grow s he plays and stuff like that. All right. Strawberries ploughed strawberry. He's not ploughing. It's not ploughing them. Think about what you're saying. He's not ploughing them. He's tending to them. But he's got two fields, one with strawberries. There's no plough in there. He just goes out and picks them in a little basket . And the second one and I'm wearing dungarees in that by the way and nothing else like really hunky. Like you can shoot the sort of sweat glistening off like all the muscles and stuff like that, right? Just wearing two cut off above the knee dungarees, nothing else like in a cowboy hat. Like a Marlborough man. Yeah, but you look hopeless without a top Is this a joke? Well you're like, you know , late forty . You've got very, very average body . I mean I don't think so no. I think you're thinking of someone else because don't worry about that. We also AI that stuff, it's fine. So in this list listen to the film, strawberries in that field where I'm picking them in my dungarism hat in the second field. That's where the ploughing takes place. Okay, what's the plow ? I'm not sure why ploughing happens and that's actually this is what I'm talking about. That's another subplot. I don't know why I'm ploughing in the field and I don't know why I'm being chased by the idea. There's intrigue. You know, if you're pitching this, the execut's going, interesting. I don't know why they're going Why are you driving the truck to you know? I don't know . I don't know. It's a mystery to me. You know, so it's like there's so much going on . There's so much going on in this film. I'll give you that credit where it's I'll do some work. I'm gonna do some work on that. Tractor Man. Okay. Well, I thought it was an adventure film. I thought it were an exciting adventure film and then I leave the farm and go somewhere else, you know, to a desert or whatever. But it doesn't matter. Again, it doesn't matter where we're just going somewhere. If you makes to go on the quest to find the se cret. Think about it. Yeah. Plot coming . Fuck me. All you have to do is go and that is a cut moving on, moving on to the next scene. And then I get the whole crew and goes next scene. Let's go. They go where we go in? I go, let's work it out on the way. We're getting the bus. I go, Bus is coming. Let's come get the stuff on the bus. Get on the bus. Where are we going? It's four PM. It's getting dark. Where are we going? Just get past . We're going to the next set. Time to shoot. Time to start shooting. Like I'm honestly getting anxiety thinking. We're going to the next scene. What is it? I don't know, my dear. Let's wait until we get there, and then you'll see, won't you? And then we just get out , set up the camera, and I'll just go to you, say action. And you get the thing out, that thing that goes the clapperboard . Yeah, there . Whatever. Get the silly thing in whatever the fuck that is, the clapperboard. Yeah, it's nineteen twenty eight, get the clapperboard out. We're not, do you know what? I do this on set. I go excuse me, we're not doing that the clapperboard thing. I don't want that anymore. This is a modern production. We don't need any of that shit. Get rid of it like that. We're not doing the clapperboard. And I got that and I just go es, stop, stop filming. And then stuff will happen on the day. You know, things will happen on the day and it doesn't matter what. You know, you just you just stop shooting. We're just go to a car park or something . I mean disagree strongly disagree . Yeah, I strongly disagree. I just yeah, I think you need a bit more of a plan for your film. Yeah, I disagree. I think it's more about improvising, you know? You just so what if you improvise that there were aliens coming? We need some aliens. Do you though? Maybe not. Okay, now you're now thinking now you're thinking like me. Do we need them? Or is it enough to close up on me turning around you know fricking aliens over there? You know, you don't sometimes can I tell you something? Sometimes sometimes it's about sometimes it's about not showing. Yeah. Sometimes it's about not showing, something to think about . And sometimes you don't show them. But if we do, we're just, you know, just get people to do faces like bloody girls scary scary . Well get some masks or something like that. Okay , yeah, track demand