Toby Tarrant's Edinburgh Fringe show

This is a Global Player original podcast Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby. Ro ex. I the show. Really eager. Yeah Re eager once again. That's this is the fifth pre record we've done, Matthew. Yeah in a row. in a row. We did three one day and two today. Yeah, it's been a lot. It's been a lot for us. and I know there are people with actual real hard jobs to do, but we've never been those people and we don't understand how it works. No and those I can't stress if those people couldn't do this job. No they couldn't do this. I'm all for saying oh, it's not a really hard job. I mean compared people were actually working hard, but Honestly, Matthew. Yeah The nurse couldn't do this. A nurse couldn't do this. This is a real skill that we occasionally one of us exhibits that skill. Not all the time. Oh Not ever illness, I don't think. Were. I think we both have other jobs where we exhibit skill. Oh yeah. this isn' this's not this one. This is where we get to sort of turn off the skills. A nurseids do this actually. Yeah I bet there's load of nurses that could do that. Yeah, anyone could do that. Yeah yeah. without complaining as well That's true.. Theyd love it. Yeah. Very, very quickly, an email here from Harry who said Hello, Ed, Matthew and Vin McCool Well, it's DJ it's it's DJ John. Its DJ John this week. He consistently called DJ John 's been producerohn last week but this week is Jhn. I went to see Nearly Dan a few weeks ago at the Jazz Cfe becausecause my dad's friend canceled on him And I thought I'd share my notes. I was lukewarm about going in the first place, but when they came out and said, donon't worry, we'll be playing Steeie Dan songs for two hours, I was worried The keyboard player was wearing a bl blue pi hat Which is surely not acceptable. The lead guitarist did something very rock and roll in the second half of the gig. He unbuttoned his plaid shirt and revealed he'd been wearing a plain black t shirt underneath the whole time This is my favourite detail. I thought I saw Matthew at the front, but it was actually a five foot tall middle aged woman Well, that's a haircut. That's the haircut, isn't it? Yeah. I'm gutted to have missed this gig. I love seeing Nearly down. Surprisingly, there were quite a lot of young people mixed in with the Crosbys of the room. All jokes aside, they were actually really good. Matthew might be right. Best of luck in the charts and happy radio lads. D don't mind I do. for do. Harry, you're absolly right, Stely D downanner are a fantastic band and Nearly Dan are a fantastic tribute act. if you get a chance to see them, that's a huge beck wreck from me But now on with the show. Ed Gambeble and Matthew Crosby. Rady Oh, you know what this means? It' E Gambbleer Matthew cross me on radioX It's DJ Ed in the house. And as I gently said my voice I could see Matthew's skin crawling. DJ Ed and the hairy little toad with you until eleven AM. plenty to come on the show We'll be hearing from some Bin men. and bin men are going to be getting in contact doing their Sunday rounds. That's right. You'll be aware that bin men now do Sunday, but it's a surprise system where they put something in your bin after they take it out We'll be speaking to listeners who have found some pretty weird things in their bins. What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your bin? It's good. Getting contact eight three nine three six on the text Get yourself into a global player. you can use WhatsApp? WhatsApp? I I'm not too across WhatsA myself. Oh you'd love it. no, no, no, no. I What happened to letters? Getting contact eight three nine, three six on the texts What's up on the global Glare or send is a letter of the old snail mail the snail trail Yes, do you like a snail trail? Get in contacts if you've got a snail trail So I think a lot of people do. yeah. Yeah, we'll get in contact. Sitb's gonna light up now after that. If you are a snail, how do you feel about being used to describe these slow things? It's a good point actually, yeah. You know How do snails feel? The tortoisise and the hair It's the horsus who wins. Yeah. What about the snail? think about the snail versus the cheheetah Another great parable from ESOop or ASOop A you team EOop Or teeam Aop. Get in contact difficult ones to text in This is the same word written down. Just Texas either E or A. Call us Call us. Call us on Matthew's mobile. Yes. I'm not going to give out my full number on the air, but you can pretty guess it. This is why we will never win those awards, Matthew, but Do you think there wouldd be award winning if I gave up my mobile number on the air? I do. it'd be something. It'd be something al right. Call us just call us in the studio getting good you ace up or you ece up He No wasy sp Well, we don't know We don't know until until we get the call we We' wait sir we'll wait the. We're not talking about the fancy soap shop. Delicious. We can go and spend eleven quid on a soap Yeah It's expensive, but o my Godd, it's worth it. Do you know the one I like, DJ Ed? the one that exfoliates your hands? You're not expecting it Do you know that stuff? It's a bit gritty Yeah, well if I want if I want grit, I'll go and put my hand in the gutter. You know? Yes I want something soft for my hands, myself But the gutter st The problem with you people if you've never done a bloming day's work in your life you need grit on your soap to make it feel like've you've been doing some manual labor. to soften that is quite the opposite. It's to soften the hands. The little griz No No no, you're trying to rough your hands up so the next time you You hold hands with a woman. Yes. She thinks that you're a bit handy. That's why people use it.'s. Otherwise, if a lady was holding hands with you, she'd think you were a wee ban. That's true. I'm quite small as well. Yeah I also she could look, she could look, but what if notot everyone can see? No, that's the true. I've done sensitivity training here at global. And that's day one. notot everyone can see. Police don't reference everyone being able to see. Not everyone has hands. Not everyone has hands but no soap is going to help that. No, I'm afraid not. If anything, the last you want is exfoliating. No, you don't want to be eroding what you've got Uh like Dover, the cliffs of Dover We've got a guest on the show this week, DJ. Do you do you want to promo him? The Bin man? No, no, we've got Toby Tarron coming off on the show today. Toby Tarron, a good friend of mine, actually. We get together at we have big radio lads nights out We'll head down to the local the local Youngs pub and we'll we'll get ourselves a pint of special and we'll just while away the day we'll be talking about TikTok Yeah and we'd be talking about the end of modern media. Yeah. Cncel culture. Ccel culture of Let let me tell you you'd love to be a fly on the wall in those places, but the pub we go to the woman's Ams, no flies on that wall. veryy clean place at the woman's Ams Beautifully exfoliated as well the woman are. exfoliating. I will keep talking if you'd like me to, but we could play a song. Let's play Fontaines DC. Fontaines DC, of course, good friends of mine You' often see another other woman's arms don't you? see other woman's arms They sit they sit. the elbow. Yes, of course they do. Well they're right in the crook. This is Santones DC with favorites here on RadioX. Radio X Mumford and Sons here on RadioX. It's firing Listen to Mfidence son? No, doing TGE Oh is it? Are you at you a husk now? Yeah. It's at Gambler and Matthew Crosby and we were joined for the first link, which I believe was the longest link we've ever done on the radio. which was basically it start off with DJ I don't really remember anything I said. I sort of just you're sort of it's a bit like when Derek Aora used to channel the spirits. eyes slip back your eyesort roll back into your head and a different voice comes out at you and then when then you're physically drained. Yeah, yeah yeah after the process after that Yeah. Yeah, yeah Eventually, it's who you're going to become Yes. And' by eventually I mean withithin the next three hours. ye. Yeah, ye. That's who you are. I think you've got the energy to be DJed. Well, listen, we've got a fantastic DJ on the show. We do. We've got Toby Tyran coming up. I wonder how we got him How did we book him Who's his agent? But ye, we've got Toby Tarrant of radioes coming up. I wanted to tell you about what I've been up to recently. Yeah. I don't know if you've noticed you can see me in my short sleeves here, but I I've rejoined the gym. I'm back to the gym now only I think you say I don't know if you notice in my short sleeves while I'm wearing a t shirt 'causeuse's only thing I can notice from that. But can you not see how built I am as a result of going to the gym this way? You're always very well built. You're a lean mean, fighting machine man. Well this is what I found out because I did two inductions at the gym. I did my first one with Greg. We had a great time when Greg showed me around the different levels of the gym, all the different equipment I could use. really, really and he knew everybody as well.. felt it really felt like a community Yeah. So he was going yeah, well done Caroline,re doing a great job over there. knew everybody. I was thinking, I want to be the woman baffled. loc called Caroline Caroline. He doesn't like that But I'm really, really excited for when Gre Walks Bast me and goes Well, done Matth, Gful. you know. And then he said, Oh there's this thing in the middle of the gym called the E Gym. Yeah. And if you want, you can do a separate induction for that. So I booked an induction with Alex to do the E gym. and it was Well you just drop an Ae and go mad. No, no, no, no, no. He did tell me that E stands for electronic So don tell me It's iy like it would for email. Is it What a horrible feeling when you know you read old. Yes Well, EGyM is right, it's brilliant. It's amazing. It' the cuttinged edge of technology, but it is only pensioners who use it. It's me and pensioners. And it's basically it's like eight different bits of equipment and you tap your card on it and it knows you, right? So it conforms to your body and it conforms to the weight level that you're at And and you just, you know, you do little circuits of this this thing and it's and it's me and all the other pensioners, you know, w wiping our equipment down for all this stuff that's pouring off our bodies. But yeah, I love it. But the best thing about the the EGyM think the the the induction was they give you like a body scan beforehand and they tell you what your body's like. Yeah. And Alex said that she hadn't seen a body like it She genuinely did. She said haven' not seen anybodyd's I care She said And did you get any more details from her about that She in a museum. No, She said, Oh freak show. This is the best body I've done. She said that. Best body She said this is the best one I've seen. And everyone else sees in the E gy is Pensioner. Yeah. Yeah. she said, this is the best But I got my biological age. Oh yeah. So they told me my biological age.ose things work I'm choosing to believe they were. Yeah. because apparently I've got a body that is thirty one years old. Well, you're in good neck. I've got a thirty one year old body. Yeah.' an eighty five year old pen it they sc anything get from that She said, good news, your biological pe is age. I've never seen one so young. It'speally newborn Y They did scan. It's like it's actually a bit like when they scan you to go in the airport. you you couldn't do that little pose. Yeah. And they scan you and they're like, Ohh yeah, that's what it looks like. But yeah, yeah, Alex, very impressed with my body. Yeah He was very impressed with my body. She said she'd never seen a body like it. Very impressed with my body is what she was. And she said that she got a great metabolism. She said, even just just walking around And breathing and sleeping. My body is already working. Yeah and And I thought, well why have I got a gym membership? Yeah, he's convcing me out of this. Yeah, This is it? Is I thought, I'm spending fifty pounds on this. I could be saving my money and just go for a nap. Yeah. If I slept all the time, I'd put like Joe work to the bodycoat. You've burn eight thousand calories. Absolutely. ye So anyway, yes, I'm going to be over the next few weeks, you're going to see me get Tonker and Tonker. Right. I'm going to be I'm going to be turning to a vanilla bean. Yeah, could be I'm going to be like a vanilla bean with with a couple of bits of billtong sticking out of it toy trucks for feet G to look absolutely absolutely amazing. Yes, so still to come on the show, we've got the brilliant Toby Tarant. He's going to the Edinburgh Finge Festival 'ause he's standuout comedian now, is. He's a standandu comedian. We've also got some very exciting holiday news. so stick around for that. RadioX. Oh o God, it's bright again. set up this now so bright, the spring like outsight it's annoying. I was wanting to sleep, It should be dark and horrible. It's pouring through the window blimming sunlight. You know what I wish it was, Matthew. What's that It was sunless For fair play to you Edd, you have over the last few weeks picked some absolute horror shows. Yeah, yeah yeah. I've been enjoying it though. Ggusting. I've been enjoying it. Yeah. Yeah It's really honesty. Do you not like this? No. That was an absolute cacophony. What they called suunless? Sunless? No, thank God. Soundless is way I'd like it. Thank you very much. Crunch and crumble. RadioX. Is this a riddle or is this a nightmare? Now, as I promised earlier on, I can tell you I'm going on holiday for the half term in a few weeks time I'm going back to Center Parks. Y Muty, you hated it Listen here. Hear me out, okay? I went a couple of years ago to centre Barks. I' know for them. And it was tough. Yeah. It was grueling It was, I would imagine it's I've never been enlisted in the Amy, but it had a full metal barrack. Well you're in barracks. You are inarrs Yeah, ye, they' chats, they're And your daughter' put soap in her pillase and beat you the night that That's right. She did do that. She did do that.'s you know, everything's a phase and she's grown out of that one. But yeah, it was hard going. But I feel like this time it's going to be really, really good. And it's this positivity that really makes you a total fool, Matthew. I am a total fool. But I just feel like I feel like I've got some unfinished business with Centre Parks, right? From what I could tell about Centre Parks is your kids didn't like it U You didn't like it, yourour wife didn't like it. The food was awful, the drinks were awful the activities didn't go well. Yes. Yeah. That's right, that's right. ye. Well in fact there was no There was no Right at the end of the tunnel when I would even. Ill asleep at the wheel on the drive home and nearly had a car crash. Yes, of course. That was awing. Yeah. So well, let let let's revisit that becausecause I thought just to remind me, obviously it's books now. Yeah. We're going But I remembered I had to talk that is not necessarily true with your h. No, no, that's true. We booked it The money is gone, let's say that much the money. The money' definitelyone. You've wasted your money, Yeah. The money' gone. But I remembered that I had talked about it last time. I had come back from Centre Parks and talked all about it. So I asked producer John Would you make us a little sort of little compilation? Compilation, a little supercut of some of the things I talked about. I've not heard this. So let's have a listen to what I said last time about Centre Parks. You know how when you come back from a holiday and you're just knackered and you want to die? Our holiday were two young children. It was hectic is the word we'd been using. We went to Centre parks for four days. A you' trapped You're a big prison, yeah? Designed for kids. Crowded in with a load of strangers with a giant contact l L like the Stanford prrison experiment, it was grueling. Red and yellow and pinkish You can see her Wow. Well done John That was amazing, John. Thank you so much. I'd forgotten about that detail. Yeah. The detail being that my daughter wouldn't fall asleep unless she heard the song I I can sing a Rainbow. and I didn't have Wiifi or internet connection so I couldn't play off of my phone. So I had to lie on my bed in the darkness. Wifi. Yeah, I don't think have wiifi, so couldt I couldn't play it. Why don'ty in the contact? I don't know. I guess because then people could say please help me. Snd messages so they can do the review while they Exactly I' cont trip advisor. So yeah, so I had to lay in the darkness I just sing that. Why whyy going again, Matthew? Because I think I said this last time, I feel like there is a good holiday in there that we just did not for you. No, I think there is I genuinely think there is. will I will be back you know, I'll be back in a couple of weeks in a farmhouse Not with kids. I can't you can't go with kids. No, exactly, exxactly. That's what I mean. Yeahah, but listen,'ve I went to Babbington House before I went to Soho fararm House. I had a lovely times. That was all pre kids. Yeah. It was all pre kids. The holidays when you have kids now very, very different. can't go you can't be going to Soho fararmhouse and just, you know sitting in a bathtub that's also outside and you know in drinking yourself into stupper. That was very You know, that was that was PK three kids. It was a different life. that that man used to do that He's dead. He dies He might he he might come back when he comes a grandparents. You B a laugh is dead B been a lot that ship sailed seven years ago Around the time I started doing the show and had kids. Yeah, I stopped being a laugh. That's what happened. Yeah. But anyway, I'm excited about it. I think it's going to be good. I'm excited about the when the show when I come back and I yeah yeah. Radio. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby. I'm off to Centre Park. so I'm actually'm gonna be there. Crazy. G to be there next week. Yeah. and you mentioned that even last time when you told me it was horrible, you decided that you were going to go again. Yeah. I think John's got a clip of that happening actually should you ever listen?, amazing You said so you're never going back and I was like, No, even as it was happening, I was like, we're gonna do this again. Why? Because Center parks can't win This is it. So I'm going back to do Battle with Centbox and I'm going to be back next weekend and I'm going to tell you I had a fantastic holiday No, you're not Centerpox will win Center parks won't w Center parks like a casino. the house always wins. which they probably don't have as centerparks becauseuse it's not a laugh. Well it is a bit like a casino in that you put thousands of pounds into it and you get nothing back I just remember bad the food was as well. Well, I like Italiia, Itali? No,'s the curryouse was closed but we' hoping it's going be open this time. It's meant to be very good. It's not a life, Matthew. It is a life. It's not a holiday. There's a co op there That's a holiday. There's a c op in life. Yeah, but this one's much more expensive. Anyway, I'll tell you all about that next week. What's to come on the show? Oh, of course, Toby Tarot. Tobbey Tara, Toby with us. This' just around the corner, so stick around for him. Ed Gambell and Matthew Crosby. Radio X. We have the thickest listeners in radio. We're about to play M education You've been on a bad run of this, Matthew. This is, of course, the quiz where I give you a list of things sent in my listeners. Some of them are real, some of them are fake. Last week was not good for you. Yeah, I got three. John Nettless education, you got three. You got four, but we don't really count the first one. Yeah. I got three out of seven, I got four out of eight. Yes Very bad run for you, but it was sent in by John. it was a very good quiz Thank J. This comes from Peter. This one's a bit more simple, Matthew. There's less involved things here. U Hello, Eric, Marcus and Harry Potter in the Vinos of the Stone. Okay, All right, sure As the Snooker World Championships is currently underway I don't know when this was sent in, by the way. No indeed whether the Snkeer Wor Championships is happening at the moment. How longo the Snuke World Championships. John iss laughing like it was four years ago. No John doesn't know knows. evenven though John now is sporting a tash that looks like he could be a player. Yeah he could be I thought I'd give you a quiz on the Snooooker Player nicknames. Great. As usual, S are real and Smer fake, thanks. Okay. So very simple one, this. Yeah Number one, Peter F Trap, the beer. Sorry, that was that really got me. That got me exactly where it's P Peter four track The Venous flyrp pieces is written, obviously keeping any filthiness out but it's Venous fly Truck Number one, penis fly trarap. Number two, Anthony McGill, licensed to thrill Anthony McKill, licensed a thrill I really like it, but is it real? Is it real Number three, Lee Walker The French hiker Lee Walker, it's really good ass really. If that's real, then fair play to Lee Walker, the French hiker It's not like in, you know, it's not like in wrestling where they have some sort of costume that relates to. But I like the idea that he's got a bit, you know, the big knapsack on his back, you know, he's got those two sticks that people sometimes have. Yeah, the French hiker. You must be nearing the two sticks for for a walk on the flat? Yes, I'm a big fan when I see people I've seen people walking down my road Yeah withith the two sticks. I think yeah, God go for it. I'd love two sticks numberber four Niichl Bond Double zero one four seven. Nigel Bond ozo one forty seven These are all fantastic. Yeah. I mean, I want them all to be real. Number five Marco Fu. Kuman Fu Cuban food.an Cuban food. I tell you what, Peter Well At least one of these so far has to been made up. You're a genius You're absolutely brilliant. I love you. Number six, Allan Monk House, The mononastery The monastery at Allen Munkhouse, the monastery Number seven, Anthony Hamilton, the shheriff of Pottingham I'm gonna say, is Snoker a laugh? It is a laugh, isn't it? It's like darts,s It's a ls. I mean, you know, I've watched Stehven Hendriry's YouTube channel, I think I've told you that before. It's so boring. I'll fall asleep too I love it. Number eight, Ross Muir, The Golden Frankincense The gold year. The golden Frankinsense and Mir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gold Frankinsenses and Mir. Yeah. N Number nine, Robert Milkins, the milkman you know, play with a straight batt, isn't it? which you're allowed to do in Snooker. It's the wrong sport. But yeah, play with a straight key. Yeah. The Milkman. Number ten, Mark Davis, the Battler of Hastings.. I'm assuming he's from Hastings. Be'd be weird if he wasn't? Yeah Number eleven, Hugo Neavin Hugo, Hugo Hugo Hugo. Yeah. Okay. Hugo Hugo. At number twelve, Mark King, the examiner. Oh, marking, mar this right I think I might have cracked the code here. I think I might have cracked the code on this one. But I've said that before and I've still got Are you cracked the code and you don't No, no I'm a thicker Well, that was very, very strong from Peter. onene of the answers after this. Matthew Crosby and Edward. Radio X Veryvy, very pervy song that placebo, pure morning. doesnes't sound very pure, does it? way they leather and breast and stuff like that. No, thank you very much. Why need you mention having a cup of tea and a gale? No nothing, nothing like my kind of Sunday morning. Yes, it's Ed Gambeble, and it's Matthew Crosby and here are the answers and I'm going to get them all right this time to metal education That's right, this week's Metal Education was sent in by Peter. It's snooker players and theirre nicknames, someome of them are real, some of them are fake Here we go, Matthew. Number one, Peter four trap, the penis fly trarap. It's incorrect. Number one, Penis fly trarap. Thank you very matter of course it's fake. Yes. Number two, Anthony McGill, licensed to thrill. Is that real? Is that fake? I think that's real. That is real, Well done you. Number three, Lee Walker, the French Hike. I want it to be real, but I think it's fake. It is fake. Oh, it's really good, though, P. It's really, really good. Number four. Nigel Bond. Doublezo one four seven That's real. It is real. Congratulations. You're doing really well on this Marco Fu CQan fu I want this to be real. I'm gonna to say real because I want it to be real. It is real. Oh Okay, full house so far, you've got. Yeah. Well done. C can all go wrong. Yeah Allan Munk House the monastery, fake It is fake This is incredible. This could be a one for seven break Anthony Hamilton, the shheriff of Pottingham. is real. It is real And I know you get nervous. I'm so nervous now. Rostar the goolden Frankincense. That's fake. That is fake Robert Milkin's the miltman. That's real. That is real Mark Davis, the Battle of Hastings. That's real. That is real Hugo Nevin, Cugo Hugo. This is the one I really don't know. Cugo Hugo. That's real. It's! No. And finally Mark King, the examiner. that's fake. That is fake, Jake. eleven out of twelve. But know It's really good. It's a good score, but I real it was pointinted about Cugo Hugo. I wanted it to be real so much. I know but want doesn't exactly No fact. No what Want doesn't equal facts.' feeling. You're not allowed, you know you're entitled to your opinions, you're not entitled to your own facts. Yeah. That's what they always say Oh God, Oh Peter, you almost You almost gave me the absolute time of my life there, but you know, you did, because I thought that was a it was ari Briiant bri. Thankk you to Peter for that. That was and still you know, eleven, what's that? As an A star A GCCs Yeah ye ye, I' happy with that. And the GCSEs with twelve questions. Yeah, eleven is an A star. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Radio X, dead boy and super ghost. E Gamler and Matthew Crosby on Radio with you until eleven AM Lg eleven of course. eleven. Now Matthew, raise your glasses. Yes, indeed. Rise your glasses now I lost my glasses on the tube. Yeah, They popped off your head. you sl your head in the doors? Yes. well do the door slammed on my head rather than you slamming my head. You a lovely thin head went to the EGM and was the best head I've ever seen. Yeah look like earthworm gy. Yeah. that's what EGyM stands for? Yeah.. So that's actually you a look smack thing It looks Max. Yes, that's true. That's why he suggests that chap. Cavicular. Claviculular says, putut your head in the tube door. Now can I just say I watched an interview with Clavicular? O course I don't want tona know how he looks so good. I hope he's all right, by the way. But yes, I saw a bit of him in the interview of him bone smashing. withith a little hammer? With a little hammer Yeah. Oh, it was so unpleasant. I just, you know, I'm sure there are young people listening to this. You look great, guys. Yeah You look absolutely great. You't need to hammer your face. You don't need to take a hammer to your face to make'sost his auctione, he's lost his desk. Yeah, you don't need to be gaveling yourself.. Don't gavel yourself for good looks. Just accept that you know tr firstirst you've got true beauty. you've got youth on your side, you've got true beauty And also it comes from within And I don't I don't know have to apart from the outside stuff Yeahah, you've got gorgeous songside. Some people are very ugly Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, obviously, if you're a very ugly bus, we're not talking to you If you're are very ugly listeners, would No justust take it as red that we're not talking to you, you just disgust on free. Some stuff does come from the inside, but also there's all the stuff from the outside which I tell you what, some of you, you look like your insides are on your outsides. That's how ugly you are Anyway, we're here to talk about glasses of course We're here to talk about glasses. No, Of course we we're only kidding around. you're absolutely gorgeous. So this is a hammer though, some of you of you deserve the hammer. This is from Ian who talks he's actually got some fantastic stories about losing his glasses. He says, Dear Zoinks, Jeepers and Vinkies for a brie for a brief period in my years of teen drinking I was the king of losing my glasses so much that combined with my mop of hair, I earned the nickname of Velmer, hence the Greeting. N one, after a game of drinking along with the Dinking along with the proms Bush Ohh she's busush After a game of drink along with the Poms where I got the most drunk I've ever got, I stumbled home and woke up in the morning without my glasses. lost them somewhere on the mile walk home Have you ever drunk on to the Poms? Never drunk on to the Poms No. But you've been school with people who drunk on to the P proms? I don't think so. Ist that not a Rushmere? A Rushsmere after dark type thing today the Mf and sun's guysyys not. I don't think so. In the infamous Karma nightclub in Chiingham, a girl came up to me said, I light like your glasses, took them off my face, and disppared into the crowd. I' never got them That happened to my friend on a walk home one night. We were walking home and a bloke said, Oh, I like your glasses, picked them up and threw him into a cemetery. And we went back the next day, couldn't find them. No w by a corpse. Yeah, absolutely. It was a zombie. I brought my t shirt in a nightclub, once someone put it over my shoulder tooppless. Yeah, yeah. Well I obviously haveve been on many nights out with Tom Perry. Tom Perry who is a big fan of whipping off his tap his t shirt He's a big tapsa fan. And the number of times he is like in a sort of sort of fit of peak, has thrown it into the crowd and then just never seen J just never seen it gone That's gone. That's gone In the Mosh Pit at Flogging Molly at the Redding Festival. Do you know fllogging Molly? Yeah, yeah. Irish sort of folk punk. Gotch youa. In the Mosh pit Flogging Molly at the redingestival they were kicked off my face. Yeah. Given how incredly short sizeed I am, I thought my festival was exactedly overa, but fortunately they were caught by my friend James. Good luck in the ye charts this week, lots of love. For context, I once went to This is talk about his mom of hair. For context, I once went to a stand upp night and the first thing Diane Morgan said is she took the mic to me, she took the mic was to look directly at me and say Blye me, you look like Elton John So there we go. If you saw Elton John in the mosh pit the for Fogy Molly at the Reding Festival, you'd know who it was. And lovely lovely ornic glasses. lovevely Gorgeous, gorgeous glasses. Krobby J And the machine. RadioX. It's Ed Gamble. It's Matthew Crosby and we are delighted to be joined by the only Scoop for daddy of the show. Yes. And he's from he's one of our very own. He's from this parish. We are one of his very own, I feel. We love, you know You're right This guy's a big a big cheese round here. Yes, he certainly is. It's Toby Tarant. Thank you very much for having me and I was nodding whilst you were saying. Yes you you were nodding away about being a big cheese. Yeah. I own this studio. you're merely renting. Yes, exactly. Yeah yeah. ye. It's you, Moyles, Johnny Vaugh the owners of the studio? Yeah, that's a sitom, isn't it? Three landlords. They all own a studio. It's great. Always fighting over lanyyards. Yeah. Who's gonna to get access? Yeah. I think this has to be written. Yeah. And three of the biggest stars around as well. As a child of divorce. H we go. Here we go. R listen, you're on the wrong show for this. I suffered enough, you know in my teenager. I don't want to be like sort of fighting with Johnny and Moy was about you know, whereere do I have to sleep at weekend? Where are you going for Christmas? Yeah, all of that. Yeah, yeah yeah. Whoses house would you prefer to go to Christmas? Chris or Johnny I've been to both Christmas yes. Christmas again. Chot of the.. My parents had a custody batatter where Nva wanted me. Yeah. Could Joh one take you? I tell you what, don't I just can't imagine him taking the time of patients required to put on a decent turkey and spread Also, I think he's the only person not having a nap on Christmas Day. He's just talking. Yeah, ye. At some point, I interviewing the leftovers? Yeah At some point, Johnny, can we just sit there? Can we like play yourires or something? justust something That sounds like my genuine nightmare. I love Johny Vaunes a bit, but Chirads with Johnny Vune. In many ways he's always playing Siradees. Y the one where you talk? Yeah. talking Sirade where you'll never guess what he's on about. I'm talking veryer, very long game of Sirade, like an improv game level of Sirade.. I time was massive. It's like two hours worth of sand in there You're going to be doing some talking very, very soon. Nice soon. Thanks, man. You're going be doing some talking up at the Edinburgh Finge Festival. Yes. with your new standup show You're a stand up. Well, I mean, I feel a bit embarrassed in front of you two saying that. No, come on. Because at the time of recording, I've done six shows. Yes. You two have probably got a few more on me than that. A couple more. I mean you've probably done six shows in like Norwich alone Oh, more than that in Nor Yeah. Yeah. I've done countless in Norwich. Great place to do comedy. Yeah Rich. Oh, Norwich is one of the best places to do gigs genuinely. Weirdly I put thing up on Instagram saying, where would you like me to take this show? And Norwich came up I didn't know I'm huge in Norwich. Yeah but Norwich has a real community of comedy lovers always fun shows like Norwich, Bristol, Brighton, there's some incredible places. They all came up a lot those on. Yeah. Norwich Art Center is great. Playhouse is great ye You have a great time there. Well Iour of Norwich. Yeah. Well, I haven't currently got the capacity to fill any of those venues. but I will be filling the Gilded saloon at Edinburgh Fringe this summer. Yes. Yes. That's the saloon in the balloon Y saloon in the balloon. It's the new Gilded balloon venue, the Gilded saloon and I'm in U not the nice room upstairs. So yes, I'll be there. five PM august seventh to sixteenth at Edinburgh Fringe and I'm really, really genuinely excited about it and nervous about it. but I haven't been nervous about anything in a long time. so it's nice nerves. Outside the comfort zone. That's exciting. Yeah, Well, because I've been doing the radio thing for ten years. in the first six months I was absolutely bricking it. Yeah. But now I don't know if you heard the show. I really dial it I'm actually nervous for you because will you fit in a basement? 'ause you're absolutely massive, aren't you? You know, It's funny you say that, because I got sent this is a word that they only use on the TV show twenty four. I got sent the schematics of your room. Yeah. Because Jack Bau used to always ask Chloe for the schematicics then you buildics Yeah. Yeah And that take an hour. Yeah Conveniently, you'd always send them at seven hundred fifty nine. So you'd have to wait tntil next time to find out if he got the schematics for the building. But I noticice it doesn't say height So I am worried because I did look at some photos. there is a big ventacross. you know you're doing in a good room and there's a big ventac cross. Yeah yeah. Is that un. Yeah, yeah. And I am worried that it's going to be sort of people looking at my neck and below whilst Well, you might have to stand like you've just stood up on a plane Yeah. with your head sort of pressed up Yeah like that. Yeah, yeah yeah. or when you have to squeeze into the tube at the last minute and the doors will decapitate you slightly. Yeah Yeah yeah. Yeah ye ye I know all about that. We talked about that many, many times But Matthew's got his head stuck in the doors and his glasses popped off. Right. It's another week. we're telling that story. More from Toby Tarant after this. Radio Ed Gambeble and Matthew Cororsby. Jimmy Hendri. He'sill out Jimmy, you know what I mean? He's really going for it. Yeah. No wonder he died at twenty seven. Yeah He absolutely wore himself out, didn't he? he died of exhaustion. We're still joined by the brilliant Toby Tarant. Now Toby is going to be up at the Edinurgh Finge Festival at the Gilded Saloon. Are you doing the whole month? I would love to, but I have the small matter of covering the Chris Moyle S showow for two weeks in August. So I'm going to be doing my radio show live from Glasgow and then running back and forth between Glasgow anddinburgh. Yeah, you're crazy. I mean, at least you're not doing the whole month. No for that purpose because that be that would be insane. I would say it's good. So you're doing two weeks at the French I'm doing yes ten days ten days seventhot the sixteh. perfect. That's a lot of people are saying. your first Edinburgh? I think deal. Be I really want to do hing and actually everyone've spoken to 's now gone no no, trust me, you're doing the right thing. Especially like you've done six shows.. You're straight to the fringe, I think ten days is absolutely fine. I think absolutely fine. Yeahah, but I'm looking forward to it. Digres here, but digres here. People that That's a famous Toby Tarrant Digres. Yeah I shouldn't think you'd be doing this. I't ne you for your show. We are honored. I know I'm going to be plugging my show U peopleeople that died at twenty seven. Oh yeah. Kirk Bane's twenty seven Club. Absolutely right.. And which Nevana song is it where he repeatated it at the end goes? And I don't have a gun. Yeah, yeah, that's onene of them. I don't see Mth, you should know you wrote Nevana in the sand on a beach once when you were teen? No go. It' come as you are. Come as you are. I always think the signs were there then that he did have a gun and the thought that someone should have stepped in. Oh I see why you're doing this digression R show ye. ye ye. Oh, it's a bit racey for mine, But it's Sunday morning Control your guest people. Anyway, so Edinurgh Fringe I'm going I'm really, really, really excited about it and it is a real Turn your brain off hour, Id say. In fact, for the audience or for you. for everyone involved. Right. You will have to keep the old brain on, I think. I don't know. againain, I might digress. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Well, digress is fine, but I find to digress, you actually have to keep your brain on. Yeah, that's true. then you have to get back. you have to redigress. Yeah Yeah, that's very, very true. and I just worry I'll just digress Yeah, yeah. No so you guys obviously know the fringe very, very well and there's so many incredibly talented, brilliant people going up there And when I spoke to few people planning it, they kept going, like, what's the theme of your show? Because there's a lot of people up there. don't worry about it. Well, this is it. Because there are a lot of people do an hour on, you know, when their goldfish died or whatever it is. And they do these amazing intelligence shows where it all links back at the end and it's this amazing journey we've been on. Mine is the polar opposite of that. Mine is very much an hour of me tellelling some stupid stories, attempting to crack some jokes and I've promised there'll be no politics, current affairs, or anything remotely important or useful whatsoever. L you will leave stupid of than you arrived. I think there's a gap in the market for that. Yeah. think I think the fringe is about all of these different things, isn't it? can't People can't go watch five shows a day with a heavy theme. No, no, no, no, no. You want some idiocy. Yeah and that's what you're there to provide Hello That's where I st. And if you want to, right? this is a little pro tip Yeah. J say anything that you mentioned earlier in the show and people think it's a clever ending. really. Yeah, if you get to the end of the show and you think' like fifty, fifty five minutes Yeah A word or a phrase or that was a bit like this that you've mentioned at sort of minute thirty five and people go, wow. Yeah. well crafted hour.. laboud callbacks isn' the only way to get off stage. And I need to write this down. And even better at the fringe especially, the laboud callback and then an instant blackout. Oh. And then you don't even need to say goodnight because thank you very much, thanks for coming There's no dignity in that. walk out and run off stage as quickly as possible. I don' think I've even got the budget for a guy to do the light. Walking to the back of the room and flicking the lights of yourself. somethingomething a bit deconstructed about it. I like it. Filling for time as I walk to the lights the back of the room and attempt a bad callback. And it's a bit like earlier on when I mentioned l the light lights down. Yeah. And it doesn't go fully black because again, there's no budget for like a just be they could slightly see me less than they could before. Yeah. The vent is still gleaming away in the corner. You can still see the vents. Yeah. Yeah yourour head scraping across the ceiling. Anyway, this is my first time really selling a show. didid that work? How do you reck thats? We'll see?,, let's check the ticket sales at fringe d. comot The blueberry and the cake skin Radio X Mashmouth, all star.lay that on the radio. It'such a good song, I know. It's so fantastic. It's mad, don't it? Yeah. Brilliantly mad. Wonderfully, delightfully mad. Sorry, Hello Toby Tarant too. Yeah. sorry Toby Tr ss to the studio. Gam Cross. Where like Trump got elected? No did digag. D digash? Another digash.'t Stop using our show to get your real opinions up, something think I don't know if we got elected. wasasn't it brilliant?. Finally, I can say it. Utter bloke nonsense is at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Toby, you're going to be up there for ten days doing your brand new show. Now have you done any of is this your first bit of promo for the show? No I've plugged I've basically plugged it on RadioX and RadioX so againain, thank you for having me. Yeah yeah. Well there's many other stations under the RadioX banner. Yes. so you need to get yourself onto Classic Rock Chill Chilled R back Oasis. Yes, ye. Bring that back just so I can promote this. at this stage, I'll do anything to sell a ticket. Well, will you answer the three biggest questions in prromo, the big three. three Thank you Kima. First question Toby Terin,es Could you please tell us what's the worst heckle you've never had O I tackle you've never had. Which is which is most of them, really? Yeah You've only done six shows.. Have you been heckled yet, by the way? A Little bit, but not enough. I sort of need to just get abused by a crowd, I think before I go to Edinburgh just get out of the way. Yeah. Just pull that plaster off. I think really won it probably won't happen in Edinburgh. 'use what time are you on? Five PM? Yeah, it's probably not gonna happen in Edinburgh And there will be shows where You know, there will be shows that feel a little quiet. Yes because you're doing ten shows. Yes. So they can't all be R roaring bangers. Yeah and you will be raying that someone shouts something out at. Yeah. I need to plant someone in the crowd who just hurls at you. Someone who knows me, like one of my oldest friends who knows the stuff that will actually hurt. Yeah yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If your show, take Tarn, if your show was a radioXDJ, which radioXDJ would it be? And why? and you can't pick yourself It's probably A less informed Johnny Vugh. Less informed Johny Vu. Yeah, yeah. It's like, becausecause Johnny Vugh, I've done pointless celebrities of him, which is basically cheating. Yeah. I might as well have had Techwin Whitook he is a walking and cyclist. He really is yeet. So it's sort of yeah. So imagine if he hit his head. Exactly that's your show. Yeahah. Johnny Vaugh and let's hope this doesn't happen, but if he did hit his head and you know, his brain sort of became sort of soup, then that would be my show.. John Vugh's character from the Citcom Horrible Yes, perfect. ye. perfect. ye. If you'd like to see an hour of that, yeah, I'm your man Finally in the big three, Yes Thank you Kima, Thank you Kima. Could you describe your show to us in seventeen words and a noise Seventeen words and a noise R It rare people to count in advance and I'll be honest, it' even rare for a professional DJ to give all that silence I don't want to waste my word Oh no sixixteen Tickets Oh tickets couldouldn't follow that for my. So basically I didn't know if me saying in seventeen words or less counted. Yeah time I'd counted them. Yeah. I was up to sixteen. So I just said tickets and then made a noise. I think you did twelve there Available online now Buy them. Okay, That's actually proper pro yeah. Yeahah, that was really good. Yeah, really good. Big thanks to Toby Tara. Thank you guys. I've really enjoyed that. Thankk you. Crunch and crumble. Radios River boat song, ocean colour scene. What a psychedelic wigout. It truly is. It truly is. And it's really set me up for the wonderful boating I'm going be doing at Centre Park. Oh, yes, we'll hear Nor Lake Beach they've got. We'll hear about Centre Parks next week, I hope. Yes, I hope so. Yeah. If I come back in one piece, which try and tend to. Yeah. I'll have stories, but you know, it's not going to be a very interesting show because it'll just be like, oh yeah, then we did this and it was great and then we had this food and it was amazing And then we had a really good night's sle. And then the kids really enjoyed themselves That's It're so positive. That's what it's going be like We're gonna have a great time at You're positive, which I appreciate is a good character trait to have But also I think you're positive to the point of delusion.. Yeah, thick e. Thick, yeah, yeah. and I'm ugly asick. and you're ugly. I think I go Let's get someone gorgeous in the studio. Let's get someone ready. Becauseuse he know he's coming up big He's tall. Oh, he's gorge. He's so listen, I don't use this word for often. He is so sexy. It's hony. There's a reason a lot of Although the size of him, actual intercourse with him would destroy you. Yeah, but what a way to go. Yeah. die doing something you love. I'd just be a pile of paste with a smile on spread me all over the tarmac, Danny. I'm ready for it. Okay, wor bye. F. See you next week. Bye bye! Dav Radio jacks Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby. Show done, Matthew Show five. Well done. Done. We'll be live next week. We'll be live next week. Yeahah., don't worry about a few weeks off for work based things Yes, justust in case you thought. We were truly having holidays No no I'm gonna have a real holiday. Again it's a real holiday It is a real holiday It's moreressful than anything else that anyone can do. Yes. I think I think your work will be way less stressful than my holobiday. Absolutely it' be more of a holiday. Yeah Yeah. And actually I'll be working on the job you're working on as well. Yeah Ill find that more relaxing. Yeah Not from Tentpox. You won't knowi No, that's right. I won't be able to. So that's my excuse That's my excuse. Yes, indeed. Wellll hope you enjoyed it, folks veryy quick Beckreck. There's a new BBC podcast called Everything is fake and no one cares. Jamie Bartlet, who did the missing crypto quQueen, it's very good. A AI Yeah. It's about AI. Yes. it's not itself. Well, is it is because he co hosts it with himself Hes no, I'm not interested. You don wantna hear? No You don'tar about Jey. I don't like it Okay, don't like it. fair enough You don't you know you don't like AI and that's that's completely fine Thanks for listening to the show. Thank you for listening to. We're real humans making this show. A I could not produce something this poor This is how we beat AI. This is how we beatI by being total total rubbit. And this is all feeding into the AI algorithm And eventually it will learn how to be rubbish. It will destroy itself by being being too crap Yes, it's worked. it's all worked out. Have you got anything else you used to No John, have you got anythingse? No? Okay. Well have a wonderful week everybody. We will see you next week. I'll be fresh as a Day after having spent a week at Centre Parks. Cheero bye bye. great