Mad Dads and Final Plugs

Hello everyone, the Ellis and John Cinematic Universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon. com slash Ellis and John for loads of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualized podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes, and come on adventures with me, Ellis, and Dave, head to patreon dot com slash Ellis and John Hello . As I approached Ellis' house this morning, the harley purred contentedly on the quiet residential streets . Today was the day and as I parked up outside I took off my helmet and lit two cigarettes one for me and one for the devil Five minutes later an Ellis was running out of his front door near falling down the st eps. I handed him his leather jacket. He jumped on the back, locked his arms around my waist and we were away . I turned on the interhelmet into calm . This is Delta Force Dark Ops A plus one hundred percent mega call sign Switchblade. Come in Dormouse, do you read me ? John, um sorry switchblade . I'm scared , received, door mouse . No one ever said being a digital pioneer was going to be easy. For people like us , the world can look hella dark at times . But the world is a dark place, however , especially when you're travelling at the speed of light . I opened up the throttle until the streets were a blur of rhymonds, pret ze, and Tesco Expry As we round Regents Park Station and began the approach to new broadcasting house, Ellis's arms tightened around my waist . Here we were, two trailblazers about to make history. By becoming the first podcast to move from commercial indie radio to commercial digital indie radio with a strong bow dark fruits demographic to terrestrial radio first podcast second offering to a nonlinear podcast first terrestrial broadcast to the bleeding edge of content , a terrestrial commercial hybrid licensing agreement that was going to bring content into the twenty second century. Outside Nroewadc Basting House we began to pass our fellow presenters . Many began to applaud and Adrien Charles blew bubbles in his five guys Oreo milkshake. Rachel Burden had brought handmade Ellison John Jabre Men and was hand ing them out to the waiting crowds. Nagamanchetti had made a sign . It said quite simply Britain says thanks As I parked the harley, a guard of honor formed as we walked down through arms raised aloft. Even Rick Edwards shot us a grin whilst doffing his no fear cap . At the lecture and the assembled press parted to make way , and the Prime Minister shook our hands. He stepped behind the microphone to speak . I speak to you today from a Briton that expects . A Briton that asks of us, can you be bolder ? Can you be better ? Well, today I say to you what Britain asks will be answered , what Britain demands will be delivered . Today is about breaking boundaries and building bridges . Today is about a BBC that doesn't bulk at the scale of the challenge nor buckle under pressure , but looks its competitors straight in the eye and says Bring it on . Thanks to Ellison John Briton is a little brighter . Thanks to the BBC, Britton is a little braver . And I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that John will be knighted in the birthday honors . He will also be receiving the Order of the Garter and the George Cross for Bravery in Peacetime. Ellis, I know that due to your radical ideology you would not accept an honor from the king . the rec Forord , it would have been an MBE. Ah, thanks . As the cameras flashed, we were mobbed by potential sponsors . I'd kept my helmet on as a power play so it was well placed to fend them off. John, John, Mike Stevens from Fuse Energy, would you consider us? Now it's not the time, Mike . We have work to do. John, John, Claire Collingwood, NordVPN. Would your listeners be interested in protecting themselves of public wi fi, you know the drill, Claire. Leave a message with my PA Samantha . Then a bad looking man with bad hair who smelled bad and had bad clothes approached Ellis . Ellis . It's Jim from Paddy Pow. I disabled him with a secret service karate chop and pinned him to the floor . I guess the fun just stopped Jim . Once inside the BBC the Prime Minister turned to us . Looking forward to your date with Destiny, he said. Oh , Kia , I've had to push that back, I said, flipping up the visor on my helmet. We've got a more important date with our listeners and I almost forgot our viewers too . Hi , welcome to Tomorrow I think what adds to that is that throughout John was dressed and is dressed as Dean Martin. I remember a coming black tie. John's coming black tie for the big day. He's got his pack out fit on. Some of us have made an effort. One of us has made an effort. To be done, I did say to you, dress nice today. Dress sexy at my funeral. Yeah. No, this isn't a funeral . No, this is a birth. Yeah, yeah, it's a christening. It's a christening of content. It's a christening of content. Okay, so for the uninitiated, off the back of a fantastic but let's be honest, a slightly confusing intro from John The world of Ellis and John has expanded, as we announced a little earlier on today, hasn't it? You do paint such a lovely, vivid picture of our lives though, picking me up on the harlow. Oh, beautiful spring morning. Oh, have you ever been on a limo bike? No, yes. I have. And I did hold onto the guy's waist like there was no tomorrow. It's kind of scared adult night motorbikes . I've been on a Harley Davison and a Susuki bandit. When did you go on a Harley David? I suppose my dad drove motorbikes? Did he have a Harley? Yeah. Did he? Good grief, I didn't know that. Too scared. You do a good inner suit. Thank you, Dave. I just don't like to wear them because I don't play by the rules. Yes you do. You absolutely love the rules . I promise when it comes to vaping indoors. I don't like corporate BS Ellis. No, I don't like corporate BS. I feel very uncomfortable in the corporate. That's why you're wearing a jumper and some slacks. Yeah, I am wearing a jumper and slacks. For the nation are watching yes, that is true for some people. Proportion of the nation Proportion of the nation. So you can wear a suit every week . Huh . What would the man do wear a suit. Yeah , so I ain't doing it. But just this week , I am today to make an effort. I might wear a wedding dress next week. When I used to produce Dave Berry, he'd come in a suit every morning. So did he did you to do the breakfast or his suit? That's how DJ's used to do in the sixties and seventies. Yeah, he's he had a real respect for the craft. And he also just looks great in his suit nice in his suit. So he'd always come in a three piece. That's the thing. That's one of the problems with podcast being visualized,' youve got to make an effort now. Oh, the state is to turn up in. So I'm reading UX. To draw a line under what John said there in a very straightforward and clear scripted intro , first of all, still wearing helmets, even though you're both really cool, I liked that. Responsibility around helmet wear. Good have your helmet of course . Absolutely. There are a few changes, but also it's also still very similar for many people. We have to say that. Yeah , so I don't know if we did have to say that it's more. It's not stuff now isn't there? And John does look like he's about to deliver a eulogy at a state funeral and he looks good and I am. I'm going to say it. The probably thing I'm most jealous of is how good John looks in a suit because when we're together in suits he outshines me . , I think it's easier to look good in a su it if you're tall. Yes, that's true. I think it's also it's more your suit choice than how you but your most recent suit purchase is good. Thank you. Yeah, very much so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think you want long lines in a suit. Yes. What does that mean? Well, you want just a long leg, long arms. Long torso. Silhouette. Very short legs. That's my problem. Unshort arms . Naked , a car crushed. So Dave , what's the same? What's different? Oh, we don't need to go into all that. Okay. Don't tell anyone. Well, the one thing that is different, which is important to mention is that we have a new email address, . Yes we do we do. And it is hello at Ellisonjohn. com and you can find us on the socials at EdisonJohn. And you have to say it like that. Hello a young person be a new thing. Hello That's Edison . com and we don't say social media we say the socials. Yes and it's not Ayah at Edisonjon. com I wish it was. I can add an alias so , that will get through. That will get through. We can make sure hiera Alison Jones. Dave, Janelle's quite cool to say on a night out if someone takes a photo . No socials . Oh yeah. Yeah. Would the cafeterte fing No sex. I've never I've never said that, but I'll start seeing it now. Could you go? No, I don't go out. Although I did run past a couple who were about to go out and they both smelled fantastic. Didn't that I past them and they're obviously going up for dinner or to the pub whatever and they bothered Clone and Perfume on. As I run past them, I took it a big deep sniff . Very nice. Yeah. Oh yeah, I mean, I disguised it with a pant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I could smell them from before I could see them . Here's a cue . Here's a cue . So I as someone who likes running in the woods and the fields, but also recent more recently, the p aving stones . I often am aware that I am coming up behind someone and that I am going to cause them a bit of a shock. They see that I felt terrible about it. Yeah, because they might have headphones in. Yeah, or they might just hear you. Also , especially when you're in the woods and it's a woman on her own , I am aware there's going to come a moment where she's very scared . It might only be for a split second, but you're essentially running up a stranger running behind someone. I definitely frightened someone the other day. I thought, right, I can never do that again. But the problem is the only way to avoid frightening someone is to say , I guess you would shout, runner coming , which is also going to frighten them . It's going to frighten them more to hear someone shout . So if you're walking , you might know how you would. So basically my question is how do I warn someone of my presence ? Yes , without scaring them . At night people often cross the road . Yep. Yep, which I think is a good thing to do. I really feel terrible about this. I run behind. The pavement was incredibly narrow because there were cars parked on the pavement and I couldn't cross the road because it was busy traffic and I couldn't run around her by running on the road because it was busy traffic. And I just ended up running behind her and she went, Oh, you give me a shock. And I said, I'm so sorry about that. And I think what I should have done and what I'll do in the future is slow down and try and walk past her and then keep running because I think that's less intimidating than hearing heavy footsteps and panting, which is bad . But it's not ideal. No, it's not ideal. I often walk when I did used to go out, I did used to cross the road if I saw women on the road . But if I'm running in the woods , like I mean, do you run it in the one who's a threat is I'm not a threat . So how do you how do you communicate safe runner. So I did it . I'm pretty left leaning. Yeah, like, yeah, on some issues, economically, you know, centrist . But you know, respector of personal space , you know, very much you do live your life . I'm not a libertarian but you're not writing for unheard. Maybe I've not even heard of that. . But you know, all good, I'm actually working on my endurance today. I've got some gels with me . How do how do you communicate that in a sound maybe? Well, some of that you don't need to share. Okay. You don't need to share the gel updates. Right. That's just for you. I don't think they will care either way whether you've got gels. Not all attackers are right wing . What's the least to do is a man can me? Oh , there we are then . Oh goodness gracious meat. How about this then? No, I did it the other day. I got a very negative review at the Edinburgh Festival once where the reviewer said Ellis is the infuriating habit of book ending routines that don't have punchlines by saying there we are then you can't you can't not have a punchline saying there we are then. No it was weak . Wow I was having a bud gig. Yeah. And people weren't laughing at their punchlines when I was Yeah, I was having it was a bad day. Yeah, it was in twenty ten. Because the problem is if we got headphones in, even by saying something, so I was it was a very early run and I was coming through the center of Brammel and I thought this could start all the lady 'cause there was a lady this is like five in the morning five AM it's still dark. Yeah . So about twenty meters ahead I went morning. Oh that's nice morning she turned around and also she knows what you're doing. Yeah . I think we're in an age now where I think most people understand that that's actually etiquette because someone is coming up and they don't want to say, they're not actually saying morning because they want conversation. They're saying it to' gives you a Okay, I'll go morning or afternoon or evening or evening Well, that's the problem is if you're really out of breath Yeah like when the morning like when a marshal says keep going and you 're like, I really love to thank you, but I can't. No, or a little cough. You know, just as you're about ten meters away. Is there anything just Dave Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or what about this? Ladita . Something like that. Oh yeah, yeah. Noise . Earl Kenneth Graham . Oh , that sounds terrible. Williams, Kenneth Graham wrote into the Willow. How do you know what noises he made? I thought he was famous for making camp noises. Yeah. All right, lady. I could be like Max Miller. All right, lady, I don't have to dress well . Yeah, I went down Brighton Beach the other day, riding a side saddle. Well , you've been looking to be funny all night . I'll go for that. I'll go back to wood. That's not that's a bit creepy. And then no, no, no, no the woman will go home and see to her partner a guy in person sitting Max Miller mean what's just now. Big plus falls on and again. Yeah . Really? Yeah, yeah. No, he was dressed in running gear , but he was doing Max Miller voices. He wasn't intimidated . If it's a quiet day, just get on the road, do it give just nice wide birth. Yep. Wide birth? Yeah, it's because that particular stretch of the pavement is really narrow, but I will I won't let that happen again. You've prioritized your time there, haven't you? And we've all been there. We've all been there. You thinking if I slow down and I'm not getting my sorry true. Right. What's on the agenda, Dave? Well , do we want to get I feel like we should get to this quite quick because Ellis is struggling after last week's performance. We've got to start getting fact. I've got a text message about last week's performance. Okay, you get it because what happened last week was Ellis was on for five in a row in our feature the Cumrry Connection. We had the guy who had promised to cut his hair only after only after Ellis did get five in a row. He was our Cumrary Connectee. It was all set up for a grandstand finish . Ellis didn't fail Ellis failed to connect. Oh , it was a big loss. My friend logistics texted me yesterday saying yesterday's coming connection. Neil Stevens, we watch footedb aall with taught in maths at school . Did you know I didn't remember? Did they say I bet there are teachers you have that I would know? I'd completely forgotten that Neil used to teach at a school . You can't forget. You can't forget. Not at this level. Not at this level . And then Guillon then named about another eight possible connections. And then he said at the end, you need to bring in a phone and a friend option. Is Guillan a better comrade connector than you? Are Guillon sensational? Oh he is sensational. He would be my phoner friend, Dave, imagine if we get rid of Ellis today of all day. On today Because you're in a black suit. It already feels quite heavy. Well, if we bring Guillan on board, yeah, does that get people more interested in the Patreon? Guy I messed up . Could I beat him at Javelin? I famously mentioned. I don't think you could beat anyone at Java Jump . Which is a shame. In Wales, I famous there's a famous Cumbrie Connection error I made a few months ago . Anne Guillan's wife is a teacher and this kid was a pupil at Guillan's wife's school and he said that's all the disgusting in the stack room Why didn't you name Rihanne Guillan's wife? Because it's so it was obvious and then the staff room were coming up with potential connections. I got it wrong. Yeah, I got it wrong. Maybe there is a competition Alice versus Guillan one week. Oh no and we have you should see him. You should see him Wake 's an absolute machine at it. Yeah, yeah. Would you say he's better than you? That's very humble if you would say that my has given me an advantage. Yes. Or for true work but he's a connector. He's one of the he's one of life's great connectors. Nice. We should also say Me and Ellison you competed at Javelin because some people might not have seen that. Yes, we did. Yes, there was a recent competition. Thevent Adures of Ellis and John? Yes, where John struggled on the three attempts to throw a job is struggling. Well, it's not it's not having a job. Is it or is it reinterpreting? Reimagining. It's not what you were asked to do. Who ? Well, huh yeah. Picasso, can you paint me a really accurate portrait of a lady? Oh, that one's rubbish. Her face is all over the place. That's not what you were asked to do. Ching Ching dollars . Yeah, so shown us so bad at the javelin made a millionaire. It was a cubist javelin throw . But Nick, who I failed to come reconnect with you last week, DM to me and I said you must have been taught maths by my friend Neil and you went, yeah, Mr. Stevens, you taught me my math. you You're still on Facebook? This was on Instagram. Because you should add them, as I said, and then you'll just see all the mutuals. Yeah. Maybe on Instagram, you'll see mutuals. But the problem is you'll have a billion people following you. But the phone of friend option. It is tantalizing. I don't think we need a phone. I'd like to see you go head to head against Guilla. Oh no, don't I feel humiliating. Well, right. Come reconnect. Let's connect 'cause you need to get back on that horse. Yeah, the question is, can Ellis dust himself off and go again? There's a random collar on the line. There's a pair of firmly shut eyes. There's a scatter gun vibe based approach to questioning. It can only mean one thing the Kumrie connection It's another Kumry connection and thinks his tactics of ship perfection but his questions have one d irection . Where did you go to school ? You know that eleven Common Mate, you must do no we've never met at all And that's right, Dave, I vape during the jingles, don't I? You shouldn't, just like Sammy Davis, Junior used to. He probably would have done. You would have smoked cigarettes, you know? Well, we've had a load of incredible graphics made by Rory and Parvin, who are friends of Thank you, Parvin. So we wouldn't have actually seen you vape during that jingle because that's why I said I do that day. I see, I say, okay . Okay . After four weeks of come reconnecting glory, last week Ellis met his nemesis, called a nick from Porth from Porth. Porthear on there . I should for gateway. Proved unconnectable. It was a sobering moment. The great connector himself was proved fallible . But his achievement must not be ignored. It's only the third time in history that Ellis has made four connections in a row, something we have to commend. After the highs and lows of the last few weeks, Ellis' connection rate stands at a very respectable forty seven point five percent. He's made a connection with thirty eight of eighty callers. Let's see how he fares today. We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello, what's your name ? My name is Tafan. Hello, Taffan . Yeah. Ellis, you have sixty seconds to find a mutual connection with Taffan. Your time starts now. twenty five, Sir Thomas Victor in Halford West . Correct. Oh , okay. Did you go to a church in Halford West? No, I didn't grow up in Halford West. Where did you grow up then? Narbour. Narborth. Joe Allen . No . Okay . All right, if you went to university, where did you go? Harden. What did you study? Politics? Oh , Pete Dory you studied who'd taught government and politics. Yeah. Yes . Whoa . That's a good sound. What color is Pete's hair now? Very white. Oh is it? It was very, very, very black when he taught me. How do you taught you both? He lectured me in British government nineteen forty five to nineteen ninety seven. Well, that's a long time ago . And he wrote a great book on it British Government from since nineteen forty five, which I reread a couple of years ago. So would he recognize you in the street . Important question. I was a mediocre student possibly , but I was a blimin good laugh. And he taught you as well, Tafan. Yeah, yeah, he taught me the same module and then also parliamentary studies in third June. And then he was also going to be my PhD supervisor if I had done my PhD in Carnival. Were you lectured by Mark Donovan Italian government? No. Okay, that's interesting. That's interesting, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. What about Perry Dir? Does he still lecture there? Perry Roberts. Oh yeah, yeah, Perry Roberts taught me. Perry, I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was terrible at his module Yeah, yeah, for political philosophy, I was bad I was bad at it, Dave. That's right. But that is fine. It is fine. It's absolutely fine. Okay , okay. Did Pete Dory, when you were there still give you like indie rock recommendations before the lecture started? Yeah, sometimes. I used to love that. That's great. What indie rock recommendations did he give you back? I remember him recommending the indie rock band six by seven to me and he said listen to playing Club Rabach next weekend. Go and see them absolutely fantastic. That's very cool. And yeah, he was he was quite he was quite into sort of from memory nineteen eight y ' s indie was his sort of stomping ground. Yeah, but he'd kept up with it, so he had quite a contemporary taste of music. My media studies teacher saw Jeff Buckley at the Louisiana in Bristol. Oh, wow. What did he recommend to you Tafan? I actually can't remember anything specific, but I just remember being he was a very good lecturer at Variety, and also just hilarious anecdotes. I remember him talking spending five minutes before we only had an hour seminar and it was kind of gold us to have such an expert and yet he'd maybe spend five minutes talking about how annoying seagulls were keeping it off at night and you'd think, God, this is good stuff, but let's get on to the But he was really interested. He would talk about sort of I think he'd lived in Brighton in the eighties when he was graduating and he would talk about that and being on the doll and reading the enemy and he would talk about the gigs he'd gone to in the eighties and I think to myself this is good Now Tafan considering you born in Narbh went to school in Carmarden and University university in Cardiff. You have no trace of a Welsh accent whatsoever. What's going on there? Well, I suppose after this, Alice can explain to you the landscape line. Oh glad me explain the Lansca line and that I've been banned from doing all my other podcasts, but John doesn't know what it is yet, so he can't stop me preemptively by saying it's born. I've got one shot of this. I've got one shot. What is it? Dare I ask. The Lanska line there's a straight there's a small part of South Pemro known as the Little England beyond Wales because after the Norman Conquest the Flemish were put there as colonizers to get rid of the native Welsh because they were known as good colonizers. And so North Pembrokesh is extremely Welsh speaking with a very, very strong Welsh accent . Whereas Pembrokeshire below the landscape line, which incredibly hasn't changed in about seven hundred years , the accent's totally different and they're genetically different. They've studied the DNA of people born in South Pembrokeshire, North Pembrokeshire is very distinct because the Flemish colonizers were put there eight hundred years ago, whatever it was. And the accent's different and the place names are largely English and also there's very little it's that and the Gawer, which is the other part the veil? Yeah, and the veil has gotten there's no sort of history of the Welsh language there . But not even an accent . It's more like the old classic Kuffro West accent which I, remember when I was kid is almost more like a Somerset accent . It's like a sort of bird, it's really weird. That is fascinating. That really is fascinating. And shame on your other podcast for banning you to talk about that. I hope they all lose their jobs . Oh no, I don't know you do because there is a connection. So is there any sort of prejudice in Wales against people who don't have a Welsh accent come from that area? Has that remained? I don't think I've experienced that. I mean lots of people from South Pembrokeshire do have a distinct accent . For example, I think two weeks ago there was Clari who was from Nailand and had I think South Pembridge accent and the Halfwest accent they're quite similar. Yes. I think I'm kind of a bit of somewhat of a unique case. In terms of the Pembroke accent, Liam Cullen and the Footballer's got is a good example. And what's weird is I can't impersonate it even though I grew up around it until I was about eleven which, is strange, but yeah, the Pembroke as well is a little bit like that . Well, thank you so much for calling at Tafan. Thank you for the connection. We're back on the road . Yes. You're not actually far off the fifty percent at El. He's never going to get to fifty percent. Of course he can. Can't because now the increments are too small now. But what's he on? thirty nine out of eighty one. It's it isn't okay at all bear that in mind if you know what I mean. I think kind of what you mean . So we will have another Cumray Connection next week . And now we'll just take a little bit of a break before a made up game . Right, we're all back, Dave's Dunoe, Ellis and I talked about the Lansca line. I would like to do a documentary on the Lanska line and I will back it and I will John endorses this I'll pitch it. You'll pitch it, John will endorse it and I'll pick it. Productions will make it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, we'll make it for a million grand. Okay. So Brandon will be the BC commission. It would be the first Amazon Disney Netflix radio for document Radio four Apple document a million billion thousand grand . Speaking of significant productions, significant productions has been making The Adventures of Ellison John, which is available to watch now. We made reference to it earlier. We did. No spoilers , but we did go to Croydon Athletics Ground. This isn't a spoiler, this is an explainer. If you're worried about the bags under my eyes, God, it was cold. It was n't cold provide makeup. It was a mini Olympics challenge. I look so old You look elder. No, you don't look old. I look elder. None of us it was a tricky day. It was gloomy but very cold. It was grey. Yeah . So it looks like I've been held upside down . Yeah, and I look like I'm pretending not to be good at any technical sports. You were very humble . You're very generous at that actually. Very generous making me and Alice look good. I was not, yes, I was generous. It was generous humility day. It was in my head I was just going don't lose your temper, don't lose your temper, don't lose temper, breathe, breathe. Don't lose your temper. Breathe. Nice. Be good company. I've started breathing like you taught me to calm myself down. Yeah. I think about you every single time, then . Why don't you breathe in like a straw, isn't it? Breathe out like a straw of course . Episode one of Adventures is on patreon. com slash Ellison John. Now , which what else can you find at Patreon. com slash Ellison John? Oh, that's a good question, Dave. That's actually the best question you've ever asked me. You can also find behind the scenes content which very shortly will include eighteen certificate sexual notes. There is something coming a bit later in the week which is quite cheeky . I tell you what, if you were reading about it in the radio times listings in the nineties, you would set your video recorder. You would, and maybe you might have sort of had a heart attack. Yeah. You can also get early access to Ellison John Live tickets. Yeah . Could I stab it? Also get the chat community. And fully visualized apps . Yeah, in all its teal tension glory. And all ad free pod listening. Yeah, and there was something else actually that struck me the other day that I can't remember what it was. We give every listener a grand and that's brought to you by Texaco . What was something else that you get? Is that? Yeah but I can't remember . I think I heard it on another podcast and thought we do that too. Pride belonging pride belonging to community yeah but pride comes before a fall so we also pick you up after you fall in the in the chat community . Yeah . Very good. Right, let's play a made up game, please. And I think because I'm wearing black tie, it needs to be a kind of dignif ied parlor game , like Bridge. We can't throw that on me three seconds before we understand bridge better for cryptic crosswords because all the blimming clues are about bridge players. think Do you you'll get into bridge as you get older? No, I don't think I will. Okay . I'm not into cards. I'm not into cards. I occasionally wish I was. And I'm never impressed by card tricks. I am impressed. I got shown a card trick in a restaurant the other day and I was practically sick I was so impressed. Yeah . I for Nick's son showed me a card trick and even though he's eleven son My friend No no my friend Nick's son OK showed me a cart trick and he's eleven and I gasped but it was a genuine gasp . Yeah, I just always think well there's a trick though, isn't it? Yeah, but it's the sleight of hand aspect and I don't know what the trick is . I think for a future adventures episode close up magic of YouTube training how to be magicians could be un conscious because when I'm showing it, it's like it's like I'm three or a dog. That would be such a boring half hour. Just me and this fumbling cars were a creepy guy who put all your dream in a waistcoat . Right, made of game. Now when do we do archery or fencing? We'll do that further down the line. Darts, there didn't allow to be sporting, but you can send your suggestions to hello at Ellisonjohn. com You can Hello Ayah . Now producer Michael was very excited about a new jingle submission. Which I've not heard yet. Email from Ben is as follows Dear Well, well and well Hello my name B'ens and I run a male voice choir called Many Men's Sound System . We're from Falmouth in Cornwall, a town where people commonly smile at each other in the streets and wave thank you at pedestrian crossings, John. John. I'm a long time listener of the show and for the last few weeks we've been working on a theme tune for made up games the last few weeks What ? There are a few listeners to the show in the choir but to most the references to lakes of paint and bump procedures were quite baffling I didn't attempt to explain them. We recorded it at the lovely Wesley Chapel studios in Red Rooth. Oh that's fantastic. While there we also recorded our UK Garage influenced cover of Cockney Rebels Make Mile, which we're also releasing this week. That's hilarious. Fine . And we've also got a bunch of gigs coming up around Cornwall over the summer. I'm going to give the name again Mini Men's sound system .. I hope you enjoy it Lots of love, Ben Jackson. So Column Wall Dave. What a place So far away so far away . Ben was in a band called To Kill a King, which was a favourite of producer Michael's. So actually when Ben got in search Michael was like, Well, hold on, you're in one of my favorite bands called Killer King. It all comes together . Got very talented listeners. So without further ado, absolutely, we should have a listen to this week 's Listener submitted Made Up Games Jingle And if you feel you're struggling to take the strain , well here's some radio design to enter game and to besiege your robins and strains if a fun procedure has you lay up in pain the bottom of the wall is for your pain up shakes but now's time for Masterman to take the race Come on and all let's gather around for made gains come on and all let's gather around for made gains I love it and I also love the idea of that buffling some members of the choir adults Yeah also the little drum machine sounds like the drum machine that we're all have them used in a rise there for the album . Oh does it? Yeah . I'm very melodic. Really? I was in a sketch show called the Committee Meeting. We used to end every gig with a male voice choir. They're a great bunch to hang out with a Mail Voice choir. Are they? It's just banty. It's just bant but they're gentle it's gentle. Who's putting your pants down ? This week's game comes in. What are the scores, please, okay? Sorry, of course I've actually skipped right past that. Ellis is on a roll . His win in Wattsault Vatabout last week brought the scores to thirty all, thirty thirty in the sixth game , John leading five games to love and one set to love. So you're only a couple of wins away game wise to actually take this game. Yeah . It would be it would be nice to win a game. I think what 's damaged my record is the three month long duce we had . It tied you out, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah . This week's game could go either way and it comes from Joe . Dear lads, I'm writing with a made up game for your playing pleasure. It's called finger slappers . Here are the rules. Proddy will name an item . Quick as a flash, he will then count down three two one slap. On the word Slap, Ellis and John must slap their hands on the table at what they believe to be the size of the object. Slapping should be done palm down and the distance will be taken from index finger to index finger. Dave will then zoom over and measure the distance between the digits before noting it down on his handy dandy whiteboard. The measurements we are looking for is the length , not the width of each depth. I'll make it clear what each item is in terms of what you're actually looking for . And to spice things up a bit, Ellis and John will both be blindfolded during each round . So for example, if I said the length of the length of a vape, standard vape. There isn't a standard vape. Well, everything we terrible example . Well, everything we have picked has a standard size. So let's try a four piece of paper. A four piece of paper, three, two, one slap . Now I do it with your hand. Well, he's not even done it. Good. So you'll be that's what you want me to do. That's what we want you to do. Okay. And is it acceptable to just go with the index finger? You can do indexes. The slight difference here is there might be some stuff that is a bit too wide, which means your curvature of the table might start to prove a problem. It's the point between two straight lines. It is, but let's say it was something let's say it was the width of a couch, how would you do that on the table? Well, you can't, so the rules need to change. You're gonna do that with my arms. We can't slap your hands on the table if the table's not wide enough. But the table the table will be wide enough a bit further in for everything that we do. I was a couch. Not a couch was a bad example . A couch was a taxi. It's longer than here, but you could track it's a great example. Thanks, Ellen. So what I'm saying is just to make sure that you're getting like that . Well, I just go I just go hands on the table like that and then it'll be from that index finger to that index finger . Not accurate enough. What do you mean? Because then I'm sinking thumb to thumb. No, index finger to index finger. I've made that close. Thumb is indexed to index. Your head bearing. It can be on my head, Dave, with my crown. My medd.le Fine. Of thorns. So clear the medal of thorns of ground of thorns . Clear the table in front of you, John doesn't need to clear the table because he's just gonna use the very edge of it . What I'm saying is for listeners to understand what I mean is that John's got a curved end of the table in front of him. There might be a few objects. I did. John's not the best? No, I know, but you're not questioning the format. No. What I'm saying is to make sure the curve doesn't come into play. All right, but I could go like that. Yeah you can if you want. They're so fine. Okay, so fine . I'm really rooting for you here, Ell. Yeah, I'm rooting for me 'cause John's really ruined it. How have I ruined it? I need room in Christmas I always rum Christmas Every year B ompeters be warned any and I mean any change to your distance following the slap down will only be punished with disqualification from that round. And Dave, just to foresee, I'm not naming any names, just to foresee it. What are we talking about? Delayed slap downs here. But we're blindfolded, so it wouldn't matter. It matters because you're listening out for my slap down approach. So I will say but I can't change my slap dumb base in your slap dumb example infold did. No, I suppose I could have another second to think about it. Exactly that. It's got to be impulse. So this is how works He said not Nimi Nims if I'm a cheat. He used to he lip read me once, which is why we had to introduce the blindfolds. That's true. Because he's he's so desperate to win . He's he's willing to use the dark arts. Left of a tennis racket, three, two, one slap Is that an example? Yeah , okay, cool. So the three two on slap has given you a bit of thinking time anyway. Yeah, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm gonna move my mic because the mic's getting in the way. There's your blindfolds. Thank you . We've played similar games in the past, but I think the pressure of a quick and you've not got to be a three to one slap. It's a three to one slap, Ellis. How are you feeling, Johnny, you're right? Yeah, I'm good as you got his fingers on me, you got your blindfold on upside down, but that is fine, doesn't it? No, if not even not you're all good. Good luck. I may the best finger fighter win Joe from Liverpool. Okay, let me get an item out . And then you can actually measure with the item. That's quite cool. Yeah , and also a tape measure that we have here. Oh, cool . Are we ready? For round one? There's nothing I can knock over is there Date. There's nothing you can knock over because you're not using the depth of the table, which I would suggest would be sensible , but it's fine . Round one . It's just interesting. You got different stances to start with . No one The length of a Pringles tube, three to one slap . Okay , do not move your hands I'm going to measure and then Michael I'll report back to you the measurements all right and then I'll let you take your blindfolds off just so you can see each other's measurements as well . So Alice's is thirty eight point six centimeters Mich,ael. I've gone too long. I don't know, John . So I'm going inside each index finger . John's is thirty five point nine centimeters . Right, so I'll let you have a quick look at each other's. Are you going to put a Pringles tube between our fingers? We can do, yeah. Thank you . I've got two more. So here's the Pringles tube for the mine. Okay . No . Ellis is quite the way out. Why didn't you tell us this shave, isn't it? Well, that's gonna have to be bleaked for the live video. Release. We're very pressed . Okay we're already looking by something mad. Yeah, go on. Have I told you this? I don't know, you've not said it yet. Imagine in your head all of the absolute horror that's on social media. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah . Good, yeah, great. We have to cover up the image on the front of my book or it'll be suppressed by meta because it shows a child drinking alcohol. Really? That is mad, yeah, yeah . That is interesting because you know stuff that incites violence on streets to me . Oh, just the worst. Yeah. So he's one by three centimeters. So well, I'm going to give you the fact I'm going to give you the stats now. The correct length is twenty five point five . Ellis is thirteen point one over. John is ten point four over. Is it cumulative? It is one mil to you. Okay, so no blindfolds back off. Will I get to eat the pringles later? Yeah, I've already opened them . No, I'll do it later. I don't need to. Actually, my favourite flavor is prawn cocktail. Blindfolding. Michael's actually picked the bike. Changes it's over. It's harder, blindfolded, I think. Oh , hello . Cat pigeons for round waters. So cat cats are different sizes. So pigeons , depending on the race. The cat has been put amongst the pigeons for round two, I believe. Okay. What is it? A gun Right , very different . Very different. Are you ready? Yep, yep . Hands at the ready, fingers at the ready . The length of a standard single pack of chewing gum. Three, two, one, slap . I wouldn't mind a bit more slapping to give it a bit of drama. I've gone too short. This really hard for being full . Okay, let's get the measure the tape measure . Now I saw chewing gum today . Did you? Chewing gum today. You wouldn't believe it . Ellen Alice has gone three point four centimeters and that's shrinkflation for you. Well, the problem with this one is the blindfold really makes a difference . Yeah, yeah, big time . Because John has gone four point two centimeters. Good lord. That's too close together. That centimeter is gonna be 'cause it's hard to sense your body when you sensitive. It's really weird. I thought I'd nailed it and then I thought, No, that's like being underwater. The correct length is seven centimeters. Good luck. So this is three point six out Joh,n is, well, you know, it's two point eight out. Three point three out, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, that's too small. I would have gone like that if I could see that's the blindfold. I can't see my chewing gum guts. You're both quite narrow there. Yeah. Blindfong's back on please. For round three and also partly I was too wide for prinkles and that played into it. Give it a finger hand slap, will you next time, please on the table. . Now this is where John's technique of keeping on the very edge of a curved table could prove problematic but, he's he's made his bed . Okay , round three is the width of the Daily Telegraph spread . Three , two, one, slap . Good. So John's had to come into the table, which is satisfying for me because that was the thing. But even if I was using my hands, it wouldn't be any different. Satisfying for me. Would I? I still wouldn't be able to get the whole width of the table. Well yeah it's too wide the telegraph is unwilling and it's mad to think that all broadsheets were not really open . Yeah. There's that massive German broadsheets in the game. Right . Okay , Ellis . eighty four point six centimeters. My blind's funded. You can know, yes . You're both wide , John . eighty nine . Oh, we don't want to whitewash here. Now, obviously Ellis has formed with old credit card, gay . Oh, I think I've gotten way too wide because I think the telegraph . No, but it's smaller than it used to be . Yeah, this is Ellis. This is big time Alice. Alice might have nicked it . The correct width of the daily telegraph spread open was seventy three point seven centimeters. I hope we didn't pay for this, Dave. the only one in the shop just for the record. Celebrities who are actually nice and those who aren't. Oh , extreme. That on. Where is it? It's in the features bit. Where's the features bit? Oh Michael's got it over there. Give me the features. You want to find out . Don't let John read it. Don't let John read it. We're seeing a Christian revival. Is that what it is? Is that what it is? Is it? Why are you fl'reicking to it, John. So they've done their job, haven't they? Clarkson snorted pathetic as I tried to parallel park the car . The telegraph writers have rounded up their most memorable encounters with celebrities , villain Rice Fans I met him once and he was lovely to you. Villain Clarkson. Hero, Kiano Reeves. Villain 's Michael Parkinson. Villain what? Villain, Greta Gerwig. Hero Tom Baker. Villain Stuart Copland. What from the police? I don't know what has happened to this country . Right, put it down. Aye, the good news, though. I wish someone would put it down. The good news is Ellis is back in the game. Two one. You big in the back time out. Let me put on. Leinfeld's back on. Whoa Okay . So the blindfolds are on round four we need a big hand on big slap on the table after the three two ones of, course and, for round four , it is a standard Soprano woodwind recorder . three two one slap . Well, Don, thanks for making a noise, Alice. Appreciate you playing the game . I think you two are quite close here . We've got a forty one point six six for Ellis We have a forty two for John. Oh, I think Ellis has got it . This would be interesting . That's very interesting. Take your take your blindfold off, John. Look at this. thirty centimeters if it's a day. If it's a day I tell you what, it's thirty two centimeters, John. He's hauling he's hauling it back. Interesting. Very interesting. Look at his face. He's got Michael's name written on it from school s up Michael very much. Can you play the recorder Michael? It's a lovely I think an al tar recorder sound s quite good actually. An ultra record recorder. Just take you back, doesn't it? The old recorder. Yeah. What a waste of time learning. Oh, it's quite a nice little introduction. What? How many adults do you know who play the recorder? An introduction to other instruments? Do you? Yeah. Like a clarinet . But it's not even in an orchestra . No , you couldn't go on to be a professional recorder. I mean, I'm sure there are the odds. The old recorder has got a deeper sound and a less annoying sound. Gorkies used to record. John Lawn has played the recorder. Really? Yeah. Okay . But I mean, a Soprano recorder played badly is a horrific noise. Our music teacher we had a new music teacher when I was about year nine and he was like, I'm not doing it. It sounds awful. Yeah, so sorry . We've had pringles, we've had chewing gum, we've had the dailyle Tegraph and we've had a soprano, woodwind recorder. It's too old . Final round the vertical height of an A two poster three, two, one , slap . How is Mr Temple ? I hate to be that guy , but doesn't that count as moving after the slap? Oh , I think no because his hand literally missed the table so he didn't slap. Well, then he should have been in contact with the table at all times, shouldn't he, Dave? It's like when someone tries to do a throw in but the, ball never even goes into the pitch. You just get to take it again. Me too. , I'm way too small . I've got A three is my problem . I can never remember which one's which ? That's the game Is A two massive ? Seventy seven seven smaller than the telegraph. seventy seven point seven for Ellis. What a cocker. This is for the game and I think I've gone even smaller than that Alice . Oh wowsers . Oh there goes the recorder. fifty seven point two That's Michael's childhood sorry Whoa the height of a vertical is going on . Of an all my friends A two post . Here we go, here we go. Just holding that up in front of the cameras . All of the crap you went through before about what we could and couldn't say and you got that in your locker . No, you are It's the only It is a gig that's been though. It's a gig that's been and what a night. It's december twenty twenty five. Feature John Robins, Lu Sanders and Phil Dunster. John Robinson's got a book out on the may the seventh . It was the only A two poster I had and it's the only other option we had as well. Well why didn't he get one for circuit to Solee ? The correct length is fifty nine point three centimeters. John is two point one centimeters out. Ellis is eighteen point four centimeters out. Even when I doubt myself , I'm the best. So I was imagining A one, I think. Let's just measure Ellis again. Well keep going . Wow. Well, this is noted. Just to remeasure just 'cause we don't like the truth. We don't like the result . So we change it. There it's fine. just It it looks very similar to yours, but it is seventy eight centimeters between my fingertip . That's what I wanted to see. Yeah, you're way off. Yeah, that' thes scale of my err or. Yeah . So John Nicks the third round, which makes it forty thirty going into next week's made up game. Oh, we're going to end up in Duce hell again, maybe . Nice posted . It is very dangerous posted. It's really good post. Be frame in these and put them in the house. There's one, the first big night , the cocoa one that you did with Sophie Willen John. The Gem did this. Yeah, this gem asked, doesn't it? Yeah. Very good post designs. That was from Joe in Liverpool. Thanks, Joe in Liverpool. Good game. Finger slappers. Great game. Nice show meet. Do send your games into Hello at Ellisonjohn. com Absolutely more. So there we are. Great,' sos that a made up game. Shall we finish with a few mad dads? Okay, here we go . My dad when he brought his first non stick frying pan , kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it. Actual real wooden cloths . And sets about eating what must have been north of twenty four egg canopies. He then proceeded twenty forty litres or so on to the timber and strike a maddazzemad s are muddad . Right . We've got lots of mud dads to get through. They're already funny. I've read them all , but if you'd like to submit a mad dad, you need to do it to the new email address hello at Ellisonjn . com . How long does the old email address forward for day? Only five days. Okay. How do you know that? Because I asked I've asked you every week for the last three years. It might be a bit longer than that in the end, but it's so you've given me misinformation. Well, they said a week, but you know, I think guys just make sure we're going You also could send us a message on socials, couldn't you? Of course you could send us a message John. Yes, search out Ellison John's socials. Yeah, yeah Hello, my little trio of desserts. I've been thinking about how dads eventually go mad with my own dad turning eighteen the next week or so. How do they evolve? I'm blessed with a slightly older father than most of my friends. He had been in his mid forties, so he'd lived a full life before fatherhood. Cave stories have seen the Beatles in the early sixties piloting a World War two fighter plane across America in the seventies . Wow . Flares Natasha Stundard and refusing to be Christopher Plummer's body double in a flight scene in a film because he wouldn't shave off the aforementioned Tash. This feels very Mike Bobbins. Yes, it really does. Yeah . Something shifted between his heady bachelor days and fatherhood. He lost the Tash and we see the descent . This is Mike's theory. We're now living in a Britain trying to be better . Sustainability is king or is it? Colored milk bottle caps have been phased out . Not one to miss an opportunity my dad began holding them when he noticed . To identify the two types of milk my parents insisted on buying, the caps were intended to save seconds for the fridge visit to save him the Russian roulette of accidentally drinking my mum's skimmed milk. So it would have been skimmed red, semi skimmed green . Full fabric full fabric as in bottles in the nineties or eighties. Well, even plastic bottles that you buy from supermarket now they have clear caps. Oh, they do. Yeah. Do they? A lot of them do. Yeah, some of them don't. I think there are still a few that I've colored, but yeah, a lot of them are clear now. At first he offered spare caps to visit ors like a bookmarket dealer . He's more cautious these days with supplies lower and no way to restock . The other week my mum accidentally bought a different milk because of another packaging change possibly rendering my dad's madaddry right . My dad calmly produced the exact coloured cap required , despite it not being part of the usual lineup, like he's been preparing for this moment the whole time. Wow . This is a fantastic day no more. Okay, what an ending . This is sensational stuff . The best part during all of this my, dad's become lactose intolerant . He now drinks Barista Oats . Thanks for the laughs, the winds and the connections funer, the fact he's lactose intolerant is the chef's kiss moment in eating meal. Well, also the idea they wouldn't just like get a marker pen and write on the lid S. Well, just look at the label it says. Yeah . I guess well, if you're one of the below waist knee height fridge brigade as I am , that is , you know, it's not impossible. It's a bit trickier, but it's a bit trickier because you're looking down on it. Yeah, but I am. My fridge is below waist height and no it's not. You got an eye level fridge, you said. Where we keep the milk is the bottom. Yes, same . Where's your freezer? In the utility room ? So you got an eye level fridge with knee level fridge attachments . The fridge probably ends at my which is in the kitchen ends I would say at my chest but the milk is two doors or one door. One door but how the other half layer of poodles. Good girl. Wait, you got three kids? Yeah . But the milk is kept at the bottom. Yeah, I'm just looking down at the label because the clear cap revolution hasn't changed my life in any way. In fact, I only noticed it the other day. Yeah . So is the dad still doing it, though? Is he still keeping up the selfless? What I love about it. Yeah, the guy's like us fantastic. You could just lose interest at that point. Which is one would expect he's placing the caps when the milk comes in . So his wife is buying milk. Yep . And when she's bringing in a clear cap semi skimmed, doesn't it say a clear cap skimmed? He's getting his red and his getting his red and his green caps out. You'd have to make sure you washed them. You were sort of a scummy old milky. Well, well , as Fiona points out, there's no way to rest ock . So he can't give them away anymore . So it's precious cargo, isn't it? The stock of green cap and red cap that he's got and blue cap, possibly for whole milk, I don't know. Good stuff. Wow. Very funny though. I love that . Anyway , this has been a little taste of the future. Oh, this feel like we're in the future. This is tomorrow's broadcasting today. Yes, and as a little taste of the future , we now get to talk about our projects . Yes . is Which good. Ellis has got projects. Ellis. Name me a project . The Social Distance Sports Bar and Oat A Time. There you go. There's two fantastic podcasts. You should do a mash up about the history of sport called Oh What a Lovely Socially Distancing And my book is out on the seventh of May it's called Thurs. I've read it twice. Ellis has read it twice. Dave's read it once , which is the recommended dose session . And also I've completed the audiobook which features bonus content from Sed Ellis and Dave as we have a round table discussion . Yes. I really enjoyed the recording the bonus content. I really I think it's good actually, so I would really recommend listening to the audio version as well as reading the book version. There's also bonus content with me chatting to the lovely Robin. Oh great , which is an excerpt from his podcast The Allendar Calendar where we talk about thirst . So they're available as bonus podcasts not bonus podcasts, bonus chapters on the audiobook which you can pre save or pre buy on audible, Spotify or wherever you get your audiobook content from. And I cannot recommend the book high enough. I've read it twice and so I feel more than qualified to say this is a fantastic piece of work. So I hope you read it and I hope you enjoyed. And there are still tickets left for the live show in. I can't endorse those. No, Oxford and Edinburgh and Liverpool . And if all this has happened by the time you listen to this we'll still buy the book. That's the great thing with the book it'll be up forever. Yeah, the tour will have been and gone. Yes, the tour will have been and gone. I mean, our book is out of print now. I don't think Thurs will go. I think Thirst is going to become going to become a classic. A sad classic. Penguin classics. Like Morrissey's book. Yeah, yeah, which he insists on becoming a classic immediately. It was a classic classic on publication . And there's only about seventy pages on the Smiths in it . Is that? I did read it. I read it. Yeah. Is it good? I enjoyed it. It's well written. Is it a class ic? Is it a penguin classic? Is it as good as Catcher in the Rye? Very different . Pausing to think about whether it's better than Catcher in the Rye. There's a very good story by his tat punching the boy into a swim ming pool at the start . I mean, there's great anecdotes in it. And you know the guy could admit that the guy can write