Cryptic Crosswords and Measuring Heights

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon d. com slash Ellison John. Welcome to this latest episode of Ellis and John, and I've got to see I think it's another mega week because obviously Somebody did the Huckley Half marathon on a Sunday? Was it you? Yeah. ye. No, no, he's a guy no called Andy. And we played in the Taskmaster Chartity football game on the previous day on the Saturday And John, yet again, the guiding hand of John Robins, on my shoulder. improved my life. Really? Yeah, how so? Because it went to a penalty shoot out And I didn't fancy it having missed the decisive penalty and a penalty shootout about, when was it two years ago And I wasn't going to put my hand up. You were gonna pulin it. I was absolutely gonna paulin it. I actually caught him mid paul lincing. Yeah, he did. Did you? I was halfway through saying I don't fancy it Guffffer. When John said, Ellis fanies it. It's time for him to rewrite the script. Did you And I thought to myself Yeah Maybe I will rewrite the script actually. and I took the third pen I know, the pressure one of the highest pressure sort of penalties, third pen. Yeah I fulled it into the top right hand corner. and it felt really, really good, did it. It felt so good. And that's all thanks to John. He basically bullied me into rewriting the script of my life and I'm very glad he did it because I can't stop thinking about it. I've had a sort of glow for four days. Ellis put his laces through that ball so much that somewhere in Chesham There's a ball full of laces. They're inside the ball. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, ye ye. Tom Rosental is so funny. Like he couldn't play becausem assuming because of his knee injury. And so he was the manager And he for the entire day adopted a kind of Spanish or Portuguese volatile combustible manager persona A B bit like Diego Simone. so he had a black suit on E was manager Johnay When I walked onto the pitch for the warm up, he was already on the pitch with a lot of our players. He ran up to me held my face and screamed to my face You are my son. You are a lion. You are my son. You are a lion and he kept doing it. and no one's ever done that to me before and I loved it. Did you? I did. Yeah. I really I could feel myself growing into the role It was nice You were my son, you are a lion. Well we have a little bit later on we have an official review of the day so we can play that a little bit. Why do we play that now? Do't up like now? Hey, why not Let's just crack in and crack on So this is the wonderful Chloe Petsts's take of the match itself Bys, Chloe Pets here just analyysing the big game on the weekend Chicken City versus egg United Look, it was a fantastic spectacle, a wonderful occasion. three thousand fans turned out in style they were on top for I would say in terms of how I played I was pretty ineffectual for large swathays of the game But I sort of modeled myself on lineel Messi where I was kind of thinking I'm just going to watch the game. I'm going to see what everyone else is doing. I'm going to find pockets of space. Y. Th as the game progressed, I did pick up the ball a few times And I did ping a few good passes to Maisie Adam and Ellis James, for example In terms of how Ellis played He did have a big marathon the next day, so it was quite mental that he was there and running around managing It was a real impact sub and what I will say is who was an absolute mentality monster. He stepped out for that penalty and he absolutely tonked it in the top corner and he looked he looked very u He was very serious. He was a real bruiser is what I would say John's performance, I think he looked very stylish in gold. He was the only person on the pitch, not wearing football boots, but instead wearing hawkers and they were extremely large hawkers and they made him look like a clown. So when the song Sit downown by James came on and all of the outfield players had to sit down and O the goalies were allowed to go at each other. It did look like a big clown running off and down the pitch sort of flapping around. But it was a beautiful sight to see. and he was very brave and very strong, trying to save all the penalties at the end And he got baps out and all of the ladies and all of the mothers I can tell were very pleased to see it. Baps out In terms of my standout players, obviously the professionals were absolutely insane. Yeah. At some points they played so well that I just kind of stopped and looked at them as they glided past me and their muscles rippled. I'm going to say in the wind, but it doesn't feel like a wind ripples a muscle. but the wind was certainly adding a certain mis enen Uh The pros were, yeah, like I say, all fantastic I thought Matt Winnam was an absolute player. Great player because none of us really wanted to defend. We just all wanted to sort of run up and try and score goals and push the big duck around But Matt Winnon was just sitting in the defense and doing The dogs work for a lot of us and he played really well And then he almost scored a goal by running the full length of a pitch at one point. playing and Fair play, credit, Kudos to him. winning by name, winning by nature What day, send in my love to you boys At the end of the day, it was a big win for Chicken City. We can we will police to Take the title and hold the trophy alft. Thanks and goodbye Chloe Patts, than Thank you very much. Thank you, Chloe. John made two world class stops. Did you? Yeah. I wish I don't know if if Fido exists, but he made one stop that actually took my breath away. I just didn't expect him to get to it. What does Chloe mean by you got your baps out so When it came to the penalties Um Everyone took really good penalties actually Yeah. And so me and Charlie Baker, my opposite number really didn't have a chance. There wasn't any that I thought I could have saved. No, they were allids of bottom or right Yeah, bottom or top corner. Therey jobs. such a thing as an unsavable penalty as you all know. So when Luke McQueen stood up to take a penalty against me, I complained to the referee that he was too handsome and that it was putting me off. So they subbed him off. And he was replaced by Andy Devonshire, one of the producers of Tuskm Which me Although I think that was Luke's choice, which means that I doubt Luke will be on Tuskmus. Andy Devonshire went on to school U So then when Luke came back to take a penalty, Well he sachayed to the spot, which was very funny. He took his top off and then I took my top off which you would think you know is an incredibly sexual experience for a spectator. Unfortunately, when you're trying to take a top off over goalkeeper gloves and it gets stuck on the gloves. because the gloves are so big these days. Yeah. I had to sort of pull them off with my teeth and my feet and sort of stand on them. I thought they look quite sexual And then Luke Sored and we embraced Nice. Fh on flesh And we both looked at the photos and decided we were going on diets just as a coincidence. How did Toby Tarreant do He's got Hanner always says about my dad. My dad's got golden Retriever energy. Oh yeah, Toby's got that that is He's a lovely guy. He is a lovely guy running up to greet you at the door. Hes Ohutely. excited. Money licks you. But he's a lovely, lovely guy. G footballer as well. He player Toby. He's also six foot eight? Well, he hides it quite well. He is a big unit as in he's like strong and tall and That Let'sake. Yeah Booming voice Yeah. Radio voice through and through I liked it when Lucunders in the dugout. U just in her kit with like a fake fur coat on as well, just look very, very funny It's a really's such a fun day. It must I have been I shouldn't have played football before running hf It's the funnest day of the year. I scored an open play which I've never done, I've never scoren in front of it's four thousand people actually. It is. And I've never scoren in front of four thousand people before and it is a nice Is it Is it? And also for patreons, there is a little behind the scenes action, F mins of hot takes from the ground. There is There is footage of Ellis's penalty and my company and commentary and we got a little bit of a clip of that Thank, is Johny Janell here.'ve been here for an hour and a half there Chesham United at the meeadow, G my keeping kits, G my gloves. No Ellis though. Ellis has arrived. It's about hour late. Last year a miss that cost him his reputation. This year. Is Bob Marley singing redemption song inside Ellis James' boots? It's aly shootout Here goes everything There you go. What it is. sort of massively spoiled that entire. But it's funine. but also texture. It sounded very cinematic. Yeah. ' you want to see that And you can. You want to see that and you can and you can. whereere can you see it John? See see on Ellis. is URL, which he has reminded me is patreon. com forth slash. this is John Patreon. com slash Ellison John All right, so I say forward slash It's not a problem So I'm gonna bring down the G eight I've tred myself not to safe for a slashash because I can' handle Dave's ea. Well what if someone put a backslash in there? No one's backlash You as well you may as well retire the backslash from the keyboard, John. No one's using the backslash. The backslash the backslash has had a bad decade. Yeah yeah The A sign has had an absolutely funy a stick fifteen years And a hashtag. And the hashtag. I think I'd ever used the act sign. Who' Itw social media? In the eighties that the hashtag Yeah just a humble little number indicator. Yes. I mean, what other punctuation What you call them? Marks are gonna have their day. Wow, Well, thestand The semicon is dying out, isn't it? Let's face it. Yes, the Omic Con has had its day. Is that the Oxford Comma, the semicon? Is that the same thing? Were you use it for an oxford? No I don't I don't think I think that was comment is something different Well, I'm going to decide which is the next to go big And I want it to be The Morvan sign is doing quite well at the moment. I see a lot of moreorvan Yeah Is it time for equals? Equals is just there It will always be okay. But you don't type equals. you might draw it every so far. But equals is gonna to be mid table for the rest of its life. Is it the N sign? When have you ever, considering it's on the iPhone keyboard?, when have you ever used the N sign I've never used it. N, never Becauseuse what could it be? It could represent a shirt with laces on the front If you would make an imagy out of it Yeah's a good shout. Yeah O the little this guy, the little squiggly dash What's that called? I should know that. I once did a pub quiz round on the names of these marks. Oh yeah, yeah. time good times. so Paton. com slash Allison John where next week we will announce the next we will we will we will announce the next adventure special. Hot on the trail of the Marathon extravaganza We've gone somewhere else, haven't we? we've done something else The sey Sheells. We've gone to the sey Shells. And as a result, patreon prices are increasing. It cost us eighteen grand. It's a really brilliant forty minute piece of content. So next month's Adventure app announced next week. Good stuff So where do we go from Redemption. Mm What comes after redemption sort of chilling out Hubbies vindication, I suppose. Yes. Satisfaction. Well, I u I mean, scoring I hey I really hope that someone comes up with some footage of my goal a St law scored immediately afterwards because it was the slightly strange Timbble wizard section of the game. with pin ball wiz are displayed over the public address system and then there are three balls on the pitch So I was still celebrating my goal when the ball just arrived in our box and still follied it in. So there's lots of footage of that. because did you not get tagged in any No, because people were eople were filming still because Maazy and I were already celebrating because we Tom Rws and Tal had made us practice our celebrations with a props box So one of the celebrations was a gender reveal. One of the celebrations was Ce dress to Tustle brand looking for passages in the p quired of h Uh, one of the celebrations who addressed as a centurion and then shouted A you're not entertained. One of them was was involved in a cricket ball in a cricket bat which I was I was halfway through doing that when Stu was scored. So there's lot of footage of Stu's greatest moment, but there's none I saw you topless Yeah looking insane. Mid swing I swear. Alice, it's a very flutattering for. There is a comment you would pack. Tensing so hard, you asked yourself You knew the weather cameras on I were rippling peter on racing I was and I was just sitting a cricket ball or trying to. I missed him. That's just him relaxed today. verss just him working out. he's reading a book. Yeah, yeah I just do is a very fluttering photo. Yeah It makes me look like Peter Andre. It's great. Well done everyone. We've had lots of emails. A yes. Now we have had we were talking about what's the longest into a relationship you've got the . My specific request has yet to be answered Be want I wanted an ick that has ended a relationship a long term relationship Yes However, that's yet to come in, which I'm glad about. No, not. I don't want everyone's relationship to end. Yeah, you do. Well I'm just interested by whether is there's ever a point? This is the question at which point would it be an end? We've had a couple of very funny emails about late relationship aches though. I'm going to read there's so many good ones, but this really made me laugh. Hello my little psons In response to your request last week for examples of people getting the ick deep into relationships, I present the following. My wife and I have been in nightive for twelve years. Eight months ago, we had a baby and last month we went on our first holiday together as a family D Dinner on the last night allowed me a chance to really put my weight to bind a few grasses of wine for the first time during the holiday There was a live musician playing in the restaurant. co a few all time rock classics just Free Falling, Sultans of Swing and a brilliant rendition of pink Floyds Wish You were hereere Wow, I'd might to hear that As I got towards the bottom of the glass of Rosie, I started to really really enjoy it. When we'd left the restaurant, I followed my wife with a push chair glanced across at the musician and gave a cringe dad wink A strong thumbs up knowing not. I love that idea. He's like, yeah, we know das Straight. Yeah Okay. I'm a musician. Yeah ye. Yeah, yeah. should I should go and get my guit off of the room we should jam. Yeah, yeah. Why do we record something? Are there any local studios available openly What I didn't know was my wife had just diverted herself and pushed it away from a bucket that was catching a leak coming from the roof I proceeded to trip over the bucket midwink I was crustfallen. My wife was mortified. When we exited the restaurant, she turned to me and said, I've never been less attracted to you I then proceeded to tell her why I tripped over the bucket, explaining how I felt the need to inform the musician how appreciative I was of his work She cringed so hard she couldn't look at me I'm so glad to say that that was the end of it, and she took no further action I'm afraid to report there was no ravishing that evening, Lving Champagne Henry I mean, tripping in a bucket midwink is Frank Spencer.az. Well especially when you're it's quite Crossed Frank Spencer with James May. Yes, yes. It's We get di straights.. I'm gonna show you with a wink and trip over a bucket. I know good guitar playing when I see it. Yeah. I think this guy's Spend a bit of time listening to slowhand. Yeah. That's are clpped into you mortals AKA God. AKA God, but not AKA the boss. Yeah because that is Bruce Springstein. Yeah yeah I imagine the god and the boss being in the same room or something I imagine all the time actually. Yeah. People who know the nicknames of all the major nineties and eighties and seventies guitarists. Yeah. The boss, slow handand N never re this the chief Is that No g Yeah? No Not not on your neell.ute. Not on your neelly is he getting into that list? He's the chief and he is invited at the front door to enterree not the chief. He's wrong Jen wrong genen, he's wrong music. Stop gatekeeping, Noel Gallagher. I will gateep Noel Gallagher because he's not on he's not Guitar magazine's top ten licks of all time. I know I think it'd go him. I know he would in them. he would agree When I did the last when I did the half malath and the last couple of K. Aquies Liveve at Rosch Gilder. Some might say Live at Earl's Carter the other way around I've been in the bushes several times and Ive felt You were listening to them. Yeah, yeah. Have you got shocks What do you mean? L by bone conducting headphones. No we've just got some nas that are very, very loud That's not safe, is it? That's actually banned. Yeah. from which I think might invalidate the time disqualified That's real shame. That's fun. That's shockwaves. Okay. That's cheating. Youve southhampted it. insane All right, f you Oh my gosh. shoot shoot me This one also really made me laugh. This is from Anna. Hello my charismatic content gs. this is good. You posted a question recently about whether it's still possible to develop the ick in a long term relationship Or whether this is a phenomenon confined to the thrroes of a new passion? can confirm from a recent experience that it is indeed still possible to develop the ick after twenty years of marriage A few months ago, my teenage daughter was gifted an Ooodie. Do you know what that is, Dave No, it's a hooded blanket. Uh yes, in that case, I think She decided to go armholes. I think some of them do. yeah.'s like a big off's like it's like a cuddly punch show, isn't Yeah. She decided she wasn't too keen on it as she felt a bit swamped by the size, so she gave it to me to take to the charity shop. Never one to bypass an opportunity to dress for comfort, my husband decided to fish it out of the charity bag and started wearing it himself His favorite thing to do Now upon finishing work is to run himself aong bath, grab a can of lager and watch an episode of Ancient Aliens whilst relaxing in the tub before getting out and slipping into his newly acquired loungewar The problem for me, however, and the thing that saps any remaining vestiges of sexual deside. sentence that is is that he also has a punch on for going commando. So he likes to literally just throw on the UD and nothing else by a pair of Aidas Stan Smiths. No, as he says slippers make him feel old. Megagrim, we've invented Megagrim, in. When I catch sight of him in the kitchen, bare legs protruding from clouds of billowing polyester with everything hanging loose in between. Oh wow. I often think to myself, When we made our marriage vows twenty years ago, this wasn't quite the romantic vision of our future I imagined However, as Ellis mentioned, Whilst it is certainly possible for new Xs to arise, they don't carry the same significance up after decades together wouldn't swap my ancient alien loving Oie wearer for the world. My that feels like an add on The Iick factor is more than balanced out by the fact that I enjoy seeing him happy and comfortable, whichich, if you can't be in your own home, is surely a rum dooo indeed. Great use of the phrase rum do Yeah This is the thing. Much love from Anna In a sense that isn't the Iick because the Iick is something that means you can't go back to the well. I love that email, apart from the lies in the last paragraph. What's ancient alien I don't know. Do anyone know what ancient alien is? No, I'm gonna start watching it though. The biggest dick in that is U walking around the house which Stan Smiths on. What are they? Well, it's just a very out out doorsy train trainers Oft sometimes with Velcro, they're all ten is shoes. With no socks and with your M with junk going to plunk. Maybe maybe he's never worn them outside It's just the least comfortable shoe I'd imagine. little leather. Yeah I'll show you star Smith. They're quite sweaty, I would imagine if you' got socks on I to love a stunt Smith back. I I loveved a stunt Smith It's just a very conf It's a house shape. Yeah, madness isn't it I don't really like that kind of Uber lnging gear I'll do joggers in a hoodie. I will do that. I'll do football shorts on a t shirt. Got it. Yeah, I can see with The The sort of slanket kind of scene, I find it a little bit grim and also I'm not Iving to go. If you're wearing your dressing gown in Sa, f a wor with yourself It's nice to have a reset of an evening. I always put a fresh pair of socks on before I sit down and watch the TV. Yeah, ' becauseuse it's a nice little reset as I get to the end of the day. I'mare foot in those fresh pair of white socks just because then you feel like you're settling in for a couple of hours. We've got a very slippy carpet H? Yeah, so I've gone I'm barefoot in the house, now you But I like' to know this' sort of The mega comfy lounging gear is the kind of stuff that looks nice and is nice For about an hour on Christmas morning, but when it's two years old, it iss the grimmest thing you've ever seen in. in polyester, so it's often or often sort of fake. so it's often get sweaty very quick. And it doesn't get washed. often enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah big time I saw a champ walking down a very steep hill in Bristol And you know that trend for like wearing your trousers under your bum cheeks so that your boxes are Yes, on So his was so low It was that he was holding on to them with his hand the whole time And also had his hand he was also had his hand down his pants likeight ess less young men do. yeah So he was watch' shaking hands with that guy? Well he wouldn't You wouldn't You know, you know' nice to me. But it's just like it's so odd that someone's doing. I can get that like performative thing of maybe doing it when you're around all your mates if that's what men do now The idea that you kept Pulling up his trousers with his hand down his pants. It looked really odd. It looked a bit like he'd sort of had an accident and was desperately trying to get home. Yeah what bec what if he becomes the CEO of a top This one hundred comp You'd have to stop smoking doobies at four in the afternoon. Unless he's going to be CEO Doobe Cool. Th thing is, if you've got a slouchy gene You can't go past the peak of your buttocks Because then they're just gonna slide right down. Th these were like quite thin jeans. I don't know how they do it. I think they're securing of the Front of the trouser somehow to the t shirt bayonet This is absolutely nut. The problem isose. and I associate that with joggers So I would never bottom. Yeah, notot people. He was wearing jees, but I like if I see a guy wearing joggers outside, I'm like he's the sort of person who cups himself all day. If I know that's not I If I'm cupping myself. But why would you be doing that? anyone ever at any time? I I start walking across to London about up a shower a quick Yeah, yeah. Unless you're a G asking someone to cough You have no reason to be doing that. Unless you're extremely scared or defending a free kick. Free kick. Yeah, free kick is acceptable. Yes. Like about to get hypothermia is acceptable. If you're warming your hands onn your Stop getting frostbes This is great from I will tell my son to not to cup himself. Oh He's still a fashion when he's a teenager. I'll say, comeome on me. That would be if I was I can't shake your hands to say, Well done about your sats now. If I was attracted to a guy and I ever saw him do that like unconscious cupping Then I would consciously unouple That would give me the yk. This is great from Jake in Charlotte. Jake says, One of the world's great literary classics features a moment where a character gets the yk from a longtime partner Kareninna encounters the handsome Vronsky on a train then is met by her husband at the station. seeeeing him shares a niggling thought has always been so large Very good.. I've not read Anakron owner, have you? Have you read this? No, although I do own a copy.'ve I've never actually read it. but it God it looks good in the living room People are so impressed. I'm more, I'm more excited that Jake is from Charlotte in Isn't that Charlottteesville Is it of shot in the UK? Ver disappointing as thought it is. I think' America, isn't it There's a chararlotte in America What state' it in Dave? North Carolina. I wonder what snacks they have there? or maybe South Carolina. They have Cheetos and chili dogs, Dave. Please. I had a tamale this week. probablyably the first time in my life. I don't have a microwave set to do it in the air fryer. This is from Rachel Dave, you've been sent to jail with Got Kan. What do you mean? This is from Rachel Hi, Todge A Todge B and Todge C. AK, the Todger boys I'm a listener to the goodship Ellison John and also commercial indie radio rival Absolute. Oh God Okay. I used to work at Absolute radio. And when listening to John Richardson's show last Saturday, featuring friendriend of the show Angela Barnes, the two worlds collided. John has a feature around the incorrect use of the word Dave, your head is gone. f D John has a feature around the incorrect use of the word literally. and it appears Dave fell foul of this a few weeks ago on your podcast. I've attached a clip from John's show Okay Yeah going on. Now Claire has been in touch and she's hit the topic we love the most. Here is an accusation about a fellow comedian. Bring it on Hi John. I've got a literal offence to report from the Ellison John podcast last Friday. Producer Dave used the word when he was describing John's book sales. And it went unchecked by both Ellice and John. so please investigate All the best, Claire in Scotland You just got to be careful here, you're not being hoodwinked to a free advert for somebody's bookking cynical. Let's have a little listen. Let's have a little listen. Here we go dad. I walked into my local bookshop the day it was published and Justine said, He shifting some copies your mate to my room. literally flying off the shelf. Flying off the shelves! This is the epitome of flying off the shelf No slam dunk that The book did not literally fly off a shelf, did it Yeah. No, it didn't. Did you sprout wings? I a little like sl like that. What a shame, what a shame. I think just Dave going to jail H He's just run the marathon,' be glad of the break. So Dave Masterman and Gok Wan into jail this week What what' Scottwuang got to do it? He must have been the previous Noveber. Oh. We should start doing a feature where we pick up on radio shows where you can hear a slight echo coming through the mic. because it's obvious that their headphones are leaking into the mic. didid you notice that? No C clearly not in the same room. That's fine. So who's going to jail? Is Angela Barnes and John Richardson for poor sound quality Well, I'm obviously part the producers' union, so I'm not going to blame the production team. but it is there I should just get those headphones turned down a little bit. Yeah, just a touch. In my defense, fair enough, ye, of course they're not literally flying off the the shelves. Thing is I actually use that phrase quite a lot. So if anything's going well, I'll say, Oh it's flying off the shelves. so tickets to all my friends, Oh, it's fine off the shelves. It's not happening in Sheffield, don't? Yeah, There's couple of them coming up. so but the reason I said that is because This is almost as close as you can get 'cause it's a book on a shelf people are buying so as much as I know it's not literally flying off the shelves. Given how far away I am in terms of the actual meaning when I do say flying off the shelves, it's pretty close. Do reckon Jeann would have allowed you to get away with it selling like hot literally selling like hot kicks Is that literal then it's? then it's literally light Yeah. But then I the annoying misuse of that I find is when people say literally four things that are literal literally for things that aren't literal So if you said to me I was chatting to Anka Rice the other day and she was literally sat as far away from me as you are. Yeah. I would go I wasn't going to like I was lying. There's no need to lean into that. Yeah. Yeahah. okay. because you're being literal when she's when you say She was as far away from me as you are But But that is accurate Yeah, but it's such an odd way to go. I was literally walking down the street. It' intensify, it's for emphasis, isn't it? especially I mean, Yeah, but if you say to me I was walking down the street, I'm not gonna to go wereere you No, but I would be like You were that close to Anka Rice Yeah, that's true. An Anka Rice you probably do want to say literally sat opposite because it's a shock I was literally sat opposite on a Caris on a train and I would call you up and I'd say Sorry Anna but to talk. You're like you're not there, but you are I'm literally set opposite her now. Yeah, because You're trying to emphasize it You're just a table with the way. She's not the other She's not the vestab bill. But then just say I wasat It's a tautology for me Oh What is I mean? It's when you sort of the same thing twice in language. Oh, it's annoyingly irritating, I suppose is a bad example. we're on Anyway, good stuff. you're in prison, Dave Okay I mean yah, yeah, it's fair enough, but I think it's close enough as well to be flying off the shelves that it didn't quite deserve. No books don't fly David. I know they don. if you throw them But they went off the shelves. If you were selling them so fast, you were having to throw them to customers, you could say they were flying off the shelves 'cause flying doesn't necessarily mean something is propelling itself. Yeah. It's just going through the air. Yeah. so if I throw this vape juice across the room, it will be flying through the air. Okay Well, then I want to go to a bookshop with Thursday selling in such enormous quantities. people out there actually aim to be thrown across the bookshop. Well it is in the Sunday Times bestseller list again for a second week running. Howave have you managed? How long does it they stay in for? usually? What position? Usually they just drop straight out. Do they You've hung around. I've hung around like mister Brightside from mister Brightside bird guy still ahead of me Is a Birds are always around. Birds are always' always topical U We've had a drop down disaster and a breath hold bonanza. And both are very funny. Oh, I like the Do you want to read the drop? I like this one Hello and thank you for keeping me company and amused on my drive to work If I could take you back to the dark days of C Vidus early twenty twenty one And I was pleased to hear that my elderly parents and parents in law had been contacted by their GP surgeries to go and get their first doses of the vaccine the elderly and the vulnerable As a healthy, active man in my late forties at the time, I was somewhat surprised to get a text message from IGP at the same time as my elderly parent inviting me to book vaccination slots. confused as to why I booked a slot nonetheless On the day when I rocked up at the local community centre, I was definitely in a different demographic to my fellow vaccinees They were either very elderly or repute of underlying conditions. Yeah, I got some rather funny looks at the stauff, but I was duly vaccinated and I had it on my way. It's so funny this It was a week or so later when checking the NHS app to see which vaccine I had been given that the reason for my early call up became apparent When I'd registered with my GPF few years earlier, they'd obviously selected the wrong choices in the drop down menu My height in CMs and my weight in KGs had been transposed According to NNHS records I was I was a ninety six centimeter tall man. Now my son was about that when he was five, right? That's tiny Wing are whopping. one hundred and eighty seven kilograms. That would have given me a BMI bodymax index of over two hundred and three I was an exceptionally heavy yet incredibly short man, well and truly in the high morbidity risk category I assume my BMI got picked up in some sort of search, hence my early call up. I didn't correct the GP's records and d ret turned up for my subsequent COVID jobs months before I sh out Love the show and if you've owned a fascinating humor and also a terrifying read of what can happen when maths goes wrong, I can highly recommend Humble Pie by Matt Parker, All the Best Buys Christopff It's the it's the BMI two of two hundred three that makes me laugh so much. The highest ever recorded BMI, which we should point out is a flawed system. stbulant tool uh is one hundred and eighty six W that be heven Yeah ings of John Brook John Broam Minch. What's one hundred and eighty seven KG in storm being an to It's two and a bit of me, so it would be about twenty eight stone. Do you ever I guess Stephie more than that I'm not gonna guess to and stop making me stop tricking me We're nearly out in that U what did you say? one hundred and twenty eight No I was stonone, did you say? Oh, sorry twentyw eight stone. twenty nine stone. Oh, Walter was a really good guess. Yeah it was. twenty ninesallen under a meter tall is you're a big guy. This is from Duncan. Duncan says Hello friends. I enjoyed hearing John's story of holding his breath and making money whilst his apps update This felt relatively sane in the context of a busy megamind. Whilst my mind is surely at best only John Ajacent, I did find that his example resonated Humble brag alert I'm a COO of a medium sized business. I'd love to be a COO of a medium sized business. You wouldn't know, I don't think. I would have a day. I would be busy. I would have reserved parking Reserved for the COO. but then you you home and you've got reserved parking in your own house because you just park outside different door. That's true Maybe I do need to get a sign I have to apply to the council. Like all these things, you'd like to do it for an afternoon You'd be very good at working in marketing for an afternoon where you kept suggesting freedom you can trust as a slogan. They're now worth six hundred billion as a result of my input. I cash out my shares, Bish Bash Bosush. Yeah a COO of a medium sized business. would I love the fact it's a medium sized business Which can really range. Yes. Yes. Footsy two hundred fifty, Footy all cap, who knows? Um I often find myself one of the earliest people to arrive in the office And whilst not claiming to be a hero I am the only senior member of staff who when they arrive first Deemed to empty the dishwasher from the day before, That's class. Yeah. I like that I also fill the kettle up I know you should only boil what you need, but if people arrive just after you and you only boiled one cup worth, that's how wars start After a few days of dishwasher work, my brain took me to a scenario where I was the prrime Minister Because I was part of a documentary, my selfless task had made me the man of the people. I often joked in my own mind that this might be the only good thing I achieved that day. I can assure that being PM is not easy From here, it was only another week before I filled the kettle and flicked the switch and then started to empty the dishwasher. and the more I could empty and put away before the kettle boiled was a reflection of my quality as PM. I was often still stuck in the cutlery rack when it boiled, but if I did get it done, then we were calling an early election as it was going to be a landslide I would say this is next level daydreaming, and John's example like this, is worthy of more praise than derision. Take care, Duncan I love Duncan. Yeah. I like Duncan. I used to do stuff like that and then I just stopped when I was in my late teens. When you lost your imagination, And that's okay. Yeah. I mean, you might imagine being at u in the dressing room at halftime in Wales game Yeah, what you would say? I've imagined that kind of thing, but you would I always give such an inspiring speech. T you, what do you say It's just all about just It's not what I say, it's as I'm delivering the words. your trousers fold down. I'm looking round Players are rapped Yeah And they're just staring at me, and I'm part icon, part father figure. Whereas whenever you see footage of those halftime talks All the players are doing something else. L one of them's bum is out. O of them'silly is out. fiddling with a shin pal. Yeah, one of them's putting deodorant on, one of them's texting. One of them', I don't know, drinking a big Lucas Aiden spitting Yeah. It's they're not wrapped like in the half timee speech in any given Sunday. Yes. we fight for that inch. Yes. G What a film U Right, Alice in a cryptic crossword. someomeone read it to me because I want to do the clue if there's a clue, please. So the two chafeless wonders and Alice We hope you've recovered from the recent squat challenge and well done on your significant run Well, there we were last week, minding our own business, having a go at the cryptic Crossword in the I newewspaper on the first of May, when lo and behold id't our forty eight percent commly connecting wizard appear in four downown? We were thrilled to get the answer right, but can Joh manage to do the same live on air? Okay? In less than sixty seconds. Oh Oh possible. I'm not really a crypto crossword guy. S I be Okay Four down Full down Yeah, I think it's quite easy Do we have a down timer I' do it impulse. I'll do it. sixty nine. fifteen nut He st. Gf My kids have got no chunks Oh sixty nine fifty nine. That's how can I put this? A huge failure on your partart, Dave Yeah, G me the clue and then start the clock. The clue is, Ford Done. All of Ellis James' content Revolves around some post found online. five. Hang on. all of Ellis James apostrophe. Yeah, all of Ellis James' content revolves around some post found online. Hang on And your sixty nine seconds starts now He's off Either what I've what I think it is email I mean, yeah, surely it's I got that interest right I think I got that in one second because it was a cryptoc crossword, I seemed to be something much more Yeah. Comlicated. Thank his email. Hm Well, all the best thanks for the cont Tom and Allison, second time emailers and Days Parker and Stalkers John your time s us now. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah I get it Tom and Allison haven't told us what the answer is. We're all guessing his email. That's the obvious. No, it is because Ellis James' content means the letters inside The E in the S and the J in the S, which is E M A I L revolves around, you turn it around. So it's email. defefinition is some post found on my V good. But you could also get it as I'm sure you did from the I guess the straight definition, which is some post found online. Yeah. Yeah. So you could use that in a you could use that in a quick regular crossword. Yeah, it feels like something you'd get in a regular crosswood. Oh I wish I'd known because I would have u I would have cut the crossword out and I would have framed it. You you did that in twelve seconds. Thank you. there's fifty seconds left on the clock. That's good stuff. No, no, isn't it seventy nine seconds, Dave. I could do a cryptic crossword as a cinematic universe bonus feature, because I've written lots of clues. Have you? Yeahfore myself. So how did it work for the cinematic universe? We would just post a PDF of a cryptic crossword and they could print it out and do it at home That's lovely. That's lovely but it So's the whole thing. It's not just one. Oh yeah, whole thing. How many are you usually in them? U like twenty eight Oh, let's make this a weekly thing Are they very hard to say? Yes. Okay Gorman doesn't. I don't actually know that you need annoyingly You need Windows to run the software to set them whichich is such a cryptic crossword setter's problem. Yeah. Like they're so windows. They're so windows. So I'd have to run windows on my mac. Okay. It would a price to pay fair. Yeah. I mean, I would have to work out how to do that They used to do that in order to play golf online golf, so I'm sure I could Is the Times cryptic still the big one? Yeah yeah, yeah, that's the gold standard. Is it? o? More than the telegraph or Guardian? I mean, they're good, but the Times is the sort of Bustter and Morsts. Yeah. Do they have guest curators? Uh ye, the Times wouldn't because the Times is the only paper that doesn't tell you who the setter is. Of course, yes. Whereas the independent might get your Gormman's in. Oh you get your Steve Pememberton's in. Yeah to sort of curate it But I do I need to ask someone about the technically, like how do you physically generenate it. I couldn't write all the clues and stuff What a lovely mind. beautiful mind Sorry, what are we doing Ask us anything? Let's do Ask us anything and here is the house remix Send your questions in answers you will sure again. Whatatch your shoeide was the name of your very first pat Very good. If you want to ask us anything, you can email hello at Ellisonjohn. com Dave A broad church of Ask' anythingthings, Schmorgersbard How tall is Dave? Six foot. How are you? How like. It's not. Why does no one believe it? C I say that? You don't present a six foot? That's fine, but I am I've just got quite a small head. Okay shoes off back against the wall? Where's our tape manager, please? Do we have one We should do our heights on the wall like kids Albera did that with ours without asking and we were liivered. She did it a lot Okay, do I need to set my shoes off? becausecause it is a fa. You've got my desert tres on. Yes, you do need to take your shoes off, Dave U a copy of the Holy Bible Thank you, Zophia G, it is a fuff, isn't you undo doing your laces What's going on there? Is's a triple box? That's triple triple box Why? Becauseuse otherwise the laces are too floppy. We worried someone's gonna seeal your feet. Too floppy. Don't e both off. Yep. No God, it's another triple box. Dave, I mean, your shoes is worse pensure. This is worse than your coing It's been a tough five minutes for me. All Pentagon feet Right. I of Fort knnockx, that's what I was thinking of. Right, then Dave, you can stand here by the By the ey I won't listen this rubbish sound Okay Heels again Cl, please You're not so you're not to raise your heels. I'm not raising. Okay, we hang on. Don't do it with a permanent marker, John. we got it. We've got the mark. Did you go to the top of my head? I it was around my ear. There you go. Step away, please Dave. It's I'm quite nervous. because I have for forty one years been not for forty one years. I feel s of a baby. Well, for a long time, I've been saying I'm six foot this Oh no, is this devastating? You exactly The same height as me. whichich is what? Five, eleven and three quarters. And what is it what' it got through again? twelve What Dave How's Dave Dave, a five foot twelve is six. Does it go up? Yeah, just second I throw it up to thirteen. Sorry, it's fine re basasically six foot brothers then, aren't we? Well, obviously you round up to six foot. Yeah. I'm going check just in case I'm a millimeter tall Of course it's a competition And he's measuring himself. That's not fair Dave, I'm back on the same He. Hi brother. This is nice. This is nice. This is nice. Al right, haveave you got any ask? things, De. So So Joe, six foot We'll say six foot at this. I should say six foot. Oh, five foot seven Ellice from Steve Ellice, what's your most cherished memory from a five a side match? Can you walk us through a goal you scored or a tackle you made that will be with you till your deathbed? That's a great question. That is a good question If Ellis was ever on like ITVs an audience with Ellis James, Yeah, that's the question he would send them that he wanted to ask. Yeah I was clean through at the Taskmaster game and I just had Charlie to beat and I play it front when I play fiveide. Yeah I find the taskbasingame quite overwhelming. This was the most I've enjoyed it and I've enjoyed it a little bit more every year There are four thousand people there, which is more Oh then used to watch the swans when I started going down the vech. is that true? Yeah, when I started going down the vech, If We very rarely tipped four thousand and if you got over four thousand, it was considered a really good thousands Yeah. We've got about three, three and a half What league were you in there? League two and So when I scored, it was genuinely, I've never experienced anything quite like it. I was thrilled So it would be that. There are fr F side was the question. There are frustration It was. emmbarrassingly, there are a few goals I've scored. in fither side because obviously I'm playing against people my own standard. so every now and then you do something really good. And I had quite an instructive moment during the Taskmaster game when You know, the professional who was playing for the other team for Egg United. who was like Franz Beckumboa He's so much better than comedians So I play in five different games and the standard is the same across the board. it's a comedian's game and then a few others I'm in the WhatsApp groups for So this guy obviously try and avoid him because he's so good The ball came to be in the box. And it was in split seconds, so I had had time to realize that it was him I could just see that there was someone from Eggignited on my right shoulder. And the way the ball came is set up really nicely and it's actually this fa there's actually a fault at this moment. I thought, oh I'm just going to turn this guy So the ball comes to me and I execute what I want to do. Perfectly, as well as I can do it, and I've turned him. I have turned him And in my head I' thinking, I'm clean throw a goal,. I' just charling to beat. I'm going to score a second, oh my God And then he just tackled me. I was talking to Dan Kitten about this because when you turn someone in the comediian's game or the game I play on a Thursday night person is forty eight and is probably wheezing and' like Yeah, I if you' done me. That's not how professionals think So I turned him. he thought, well, I'll just have to tackle him now. And I thought, Oh, I don't know I would hate to play soccerid because that are Didi a Drogba did soft grade a few years ago be a horrible playade against people who haveve been in the Premer League fascinating as well. Yeah, but this have to park your ego and just go this is thisad. He plays for Cheshire more in tier six I think and he's so much better than I. It makes you realise how good you have to be to even other the Premier League letone. I played against in a charance game once I played against Chris White to We used to play for Arsen and Leeds And he was in his I was in my early to mid thirties and he was in his mid fifties. and He just saw everything about half an hour before I did And even though I was probably faster in Be I was twenty years younger. I could not get around him Yeah. And it was really humbling There are a few goals I've scored in Fers side that Embarrassingly when I can't sleep My mind my mind wanders back. Yeah. I relaxing Yeah, I sold a dummy twenties Ultsiman eight years ago. I think about it probably once a week. Good. All right, it's another Ellice centric one. There have been many references to Ellis's thighs over the years. Below are a few interesting questions from Dario Uh What is the circumference of Ellis's thigh? We've already done this. We have and I've got it here. H. got it here, yeah U I've not put them on inst there yet, but there are some quite nice filters of my calves. Get them on What on Instagram? Absolutely fifty nine centimeters is the circumference of wall. It's more to do the proportion of to my height Well, there's a few more proportion questions coming as part of this collection of questions.? are they? Yeah Does his father and his father before have large thighs My Dad has and what his father had, which my son has, is I've got the torso of someone who's about five foot eleven and I've got the legs of someone who's about five foot two So naked an absolute horror show. And does that run in the family? Yeah, it's like a proper old collllier's body. Yeah So I'm quite sort of gorilla like and then I've got a very big low bum centaur. Yes. some big col. Lilah's learning about centaurs this wee is she? Does she know they don't exist? She does now yeah. Yeah we made that very It's quiteet's quite terrifying. Odd thing to be learning about. Yeah, yeah Um Is I mean, the third question here, is Ellis an explosive sprinter? We know theser? We know the answer. We've all seen the marathon special. Yes And then the fourth one, Do his thighs make his genitalia appear smaller? Yes That is an issue. And that is a shame. That is a shame. You the take Mjure back out, John. I was get It's too long into your relationship for Izzy to get the ick about that. No, she's fully aware. She's had the ick since twenty ten That's the price you paay for big thighs. Yeah, ye ye, yeah. Yeah. it's fine. And what can you do is the way I'm made, is the way I'm built Thanks, Dario Thanks, Derry. A couple of good askers anything there. feele free to send them in.