The Two Mice of the Mind

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon. com slash Ellison John. Hell everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robins Sh. It's a big day, it's a fun day, but what you hear of that will be dependent on what platform you're listening on. That That's a nice positive start. What a start. It's information Oh God, keepe it tight for the first twenty minutes is what to say. It's like an announcement you get on a train which tells you a bit too much.' you're glad to know. But let's not do that. I'd get told off if I started class like that. If it was my turn to start the Friday e and I'd done that, I would have been tored. J. I can tell him off. All tell me off John? Yes. That was poor. Okay, He was informative though. And I'm actually really disappointed in you. Be Because we treat all our listeners with the same respect. I thought you were. I thought you were disrespecting anyone and I was informing them. I thought you were brought up better than I was brought her well Why do all yourself ever fake tell me off again, that was horrible and I hated it So that's John's cryptonope being told off. Oh it is, ye. You're sweating now... Come on, we're your friends. It's not year nine You're forty four. For some people, Ellice, it's always year nine. A deep. Oh Oh, of all the years in school to be trapped in whichich one would you want to be trapped in the? If My therapist was here, She'd say sorry to six year old John Alllice. Say sorry to fourteen year old John,ice say sorry to eighteen year old John. Sorry sorry, sorry. There goes better. Sorry. You're welcome to all three. What about forty four year old John? U He's sort of out of the picture He does the tax returns and sorts the insurance out and that's good. We like that side Send you a Christmas card? No, he can't be asked. No. That's funny actually. And mooonpig. com just feels too cheap to do. Yeah. So unless they want to sponsor the podcast in which case, I use them every day of the year. Yes, and I use funkypigeon dot com and all of the other ones. Yeah Yeah, forty four year old John You've got to lean into the positives. Yeah. get he hits a deadline Yes. He keeps a house tidy. Do Yes That's true. He's always like taxed MOT inssured highers and ever b. Good. Y house is tidy. I'll give you that. Thank you. He is good at sort of coming up with Practical solutions. He's a good listener 's to things he cares about. That's very true completely zoned out of your World Cup conversation. in forty four year old John's head, he was just going corrupt. corrupt. Im corrupt. Theupace. The World Cup conversation was twenty seconds long. Yeah. I couldn't tell you what happened. Three red cards.ing game. To the organisers To Donald Trump, That's good. I'd like to send him off old forty four year old John is also a satirist. Yes. So there but yet, but no, all the Johns are now content because they've had their apology and it was just a game. It's just a fun game. It's a fun game. And we manage our emotions on a day to day basis. We do, we do so what have you been I've got a treat for you both. Have you? But well, I'm not sure I do anymore, but I do because you apologized. Okay. Oh yeah, we all always apologise. Well I must admit I did enjoy turning you off U what have you done in your weeks? Absolutely massive week Ely Again. But I should begin by saying thank you for all of the messages about the Royal Albert Hall Gig, but there's a few things I need to clear up It was a genuine surprise. Okay, so on last Tuesday's app If you haven't listened to that yet, well you're behind. So catch up. But there was a big old announcement whereby we surprised Ellice with news that he will be headlining That little club venue in W R Hall, the Royalall. When you say a little club venue, there there is bizarrely and hilariously a studio at the Royal the Hall and actually have yeah, we' both done gigs. actually have done that gig So I did the studio at the re allook twelve years ago probably. Do you saw that out U, it wasn't really on me to sell it out. It was run by a company called Avalon. I think the gig did broadly sell out and I was actually closing. so But yeah, so for a long time, I said I'd play the alcohol and in reality it was a technicality Yeah. So I did get surprised. I didn't know we were going to play the Ryal the H. It was a A secret that was kept from me by John and Dave under my wife is he was involved. Also, and I don't mean to throw shade on you for this U but that A, that's the sort of thing it's actually more work to fake. you I don't know, it's quite a lot of work, John. No, I know, but as in the sort of ten minute scene. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It was drawn out because I just couldn't believe it. I think if I was faking it, I' have gone no way and then I'd have done some crocodile tears and gone, oh, I'm so glad. But also is the m describe belie it for about ten minutes. In the main, people aren't Good enough actors do that Like someone said to me that u Someone said to me that the like the whole thing with Russell Brand on Piers Morgan finding the page was a Yeah to claim he's got some kind of mental health issue which will help him in future trials I was just like, I don't know if you ever seen Russell Brown working. Yeah He can't do that. We've all seen get into the Greek. Yeah. Yeah. So it was a genuine surprise. I've since talked to Amy, a producer foril McIyre Entertainment who was like, yeah, I've been involved in this. Oh Amy's been Yeah it's heavily involved. I love the poster Yeah the poster who does all of our artwor. The poster and who did the artwork on John's book Thirst, the poster is sensational and I love it I'm also extremely glad and looking forward to the show because it's playing the alcohols a once in a lifetime opportunity. So I'm delighted about it I was just I just I'm not very good with surprises and kept thinking that there was a catch orr that I was going have to do put my trousers down No, no, no. So I'm also incredibly ful to the two of you for going to that much work because I've always's been a and that's all the Johns Yes, How was six year old John doing? Oh, he was colouring in the poster. Yeah I'm incredibly grateful because it's been an ambition of m to play the albh Hol for a long time. never thought I'd to do it, right? So obviously incredibly pleased and grateful However, I've had an awful lot of messages on social media Under no circumstances will I be doing Geordi Financial Year or train station buettes. I think that's I think not doing Jeordi Financial Year. That is a huge misep. You're mad, Dave, but it's funny, ' it' fun. We also did Geordi Financial Year at the end of the first tour in twenty sixteen. Alis doesn't rest on his laurels Jeordi financial Ye was twenty years ago. Well actually it was twenty years ago. So for any new listeners, because this is a deep cut reference I used to keep a diary of my early gigs, a very, very detailed, self fragllating diary about my own standup in the early days. and I used to read it out on the radio actually show. M might have even been XFM actually a gig di. It a gig diaries. And because I've kept all of my notebooks from two thousand five to two thousand six, but the setlists are very funny because they' so like any stand upp comedians or bullet points. And my opener for about eighteen months was Jeordi Fancially That's just an excuse for me to do a jordy accent, right And the material itself is quite weak, but I did it probably times problem with doing weak material ironically at big gigs, like I did Jordi fininancial year at the Shepherd's Bushh Empire, is it is just a bad bit of stand upp. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. It doesn't really make sense. I couldn' also, in my defense, ons Because it had been ten years, I certainly won't be doing Led's T train station Bagghettte because that m that materine was never good enough And what are you feeling about the growing number of people who are suggesting they might leave before your set? Because they're not fans of your stand upp. Yeah, which is No one said that. O of the funniest things I've ever seen I would say my self esteem is fairly decent. Yeah Be we've not factored in for the fact that the audience might leave before it the people who did. Well, no, no, no, the people who this is seemingly a far more common sort of belief and opinion than I'd realize that people would' like to have a piint with me but hate my stand up thoseose people, I would say don't come. Well, we've only just a planet Dave. Welled't have a pipe with me, but loathe my stunder. We've only just not a planet. but I would suggest people stick around because even just from a production than we're having to say, please stick arounds you monster. Nolan Lam went there going. Richard Ashcroft is good, but can you hang around for Oasis, please guys? Yeah. Or Or if my stand upp's that bad, why do I have a p try to have a pint with five thousand people? I'll have five thousand pint crossed. Feel free to leave Juring the stand upp if it's bad Yeah make it the guot Wse. Beause then at least if you leave before it, it just looks like you're trying to catch your train h. Well, Dave, that is the win win. If you're not enjoying it, you will miss the rush. Yeah. Yeah, great But the rush is going to be bigger than the normal accent. That's the problem. Yeah, actually. so if you want to miss the rush, stay to the end. Yeah, actually if you can bear to sit through twenty minutes of twenty long whenes minutes twentywenty long minutes because obviously it's pretty weak stuff You can now With this, you can have clips like people have on social media You have clips of your stand upp? Yeah, have you ever done that? I would know. No, I'm too embarrassed at that. too riffing all the time. It's also very expensive to film in the Royal Abor Hllall, I think. so we'd have to have a chat about that. Not if you have secreted a spy camera in your bow tie, Dave. Oh What an odd angle. Just straight at your chest So you can get tickets On the twenty fourth of June, if you're a Patreon subscriber. what's the URL John Alice Please be silent while they tell you that you areS Patreon. com forward slash Ellison and John And patrons get forty eight hour pre sale access. G gotta get in there. For the general public, a butcher, a bike and a Kandlestick, Micah. It's the twenty six for June. ten AM. ten A AM. Somebody said on my Instagram, giveive me Jeordy financial year or give me death. It would like kind like a great te shirt. I a quick, I had a quick look at people who have played the Royal Ala Hall. and it is crazy we did we were lucky enough to the Apollo last year and you know, like the Beatles played at the Apollo and old you, quQueen played at the Apollo. Winston Churchill did the rooyal alcohol. Albert Einstein did the Royal albhol. Good grief. As well as all the megabands. What did Churchill do? What was he set? He was a ballet, I think. Yeah, So because it's one lake Not a great interpretation, but it was It did shifip some tickets. Yeah. Strong old dancers they had to catch him. Oh yeah. So there you go. Ellis James, Pressures of a privilege live at the Royal Albert Hall onn the twenty fourth of march twenty twenty seven. I went to watch Paul McCartney do a live in conversation. Wow I've breathed the same Rreified day as a bele again Y. you rush the stage and just go by trying to inhale his breath. alongside seventeen hundred other people. and I wonder if he's got good breath I to know. What if he's got old man's? John D, I've gott really think about bras guessing this. I've got anyway He he was great but he walked on. to A Sting ovision. Of course. I thought, canan I walk onto a Sting ovisation and then go straight into Leeds train station Buette? Oh right, yeah I think you you will obviously walk onto a standing O. Standing over at the RAH. and then slowly people will sit down then they'll start fidgeting and gradually begin to leave. Some people will loudly pontificate about the disparity and how much they'd like to have a pointint with me and how much they'd like to listen to my stand up. Yeah. I'll try and deal with that, fail and then the gig will come to a horrible end There's more big news for significant productions. It's the podcasting Powerhouse, co owned by Ellis James, John Robbins and Dave Masterman, because today we've announced the launch of two Significant podcasts. We have and we're very excited because they're both absolutely brilliant and we believe in better. We do, brought to you by tomorrow. Whats freedom, you can trust. These are all the taglines for our company. Yeah. U belieelve in magic. Audio squared more audio. Okay. Audio timees. Audio times audio equals significant. Audio squared were at the podcast show, weren't they? were they? No, right. podast belieelve your ears Oh nice. yeah. The podcasts we are launching, number one, donon't think so somehow starring the great Alista Greene and the great Rachel Stubbings. This is huge. That is gonna be massive. This is brand new. It's massive It's huge, it's enormous. It's Alistair Green and Rachel Stubbings. A lot of you will know Alist from his online videos on X and Instagram He's been doing that for years and years, he know, does them sort of live shows. He um John and I have know him for quite long time.' known I can't remember the first time I met him but it was quite a while ago. I think I saw his last ever stand upp gig. Oh, did you? That was fifteen years ago. Yeah U He's an extremely funny man and Rachel is extremely funny as well. And the two of them together are great. The pilot, we are so pleased pilot. so funny. It is so funny. The trailer's funny Yeah, yeah, ye sureizzy the trailer last n Iight said she was laughing. so it's just this it's a galactical, isn't it We sign two Galacticos, it's a fascinating relationship that they have. And I think it's a real tonic to anyone who's bored with podcasts that are slightly like in that I in the toxic positivity realm, I think. and in the sort of u constant improvement optimization Optimization it is through and through that. It's toxic negative. No Alister and Rachel are not tech bros. No, they're not tech who see death and illness as a glitch in the matrix. They're not telling you how to make your life better. They're not telling you how to improve your morning routine. I mean at points it does feel like they can barely stand each other But what I mean, how many podcasts do you have when people It's great. Yeah, it's just so good. Indeed. and don't think So somehow, launch is on Tuesday, but you can find it now because we've got a little trailer online. so just find it wherever you listened to your podcast. But the first step will be coming out on Tuesday, june sixteenth. And follow them at Don't thinkink So somehow on Instagram somehow and we've got a little clip O Isis epe onene Michael, a little teaser clip of episode one. I've not heard this. That's how I listen I told you about my list Yeah, got course. Anyone who's over wronged me, they go on the list Got it my disktop list. You threatened me a place on it once a week. What had you done though? Corrected you, mildly corrected you on something things.. Yeah, yeah. Yeahah, tried to destroy me You will never destroy me. Mildly corrected you. What does that mean? Just like pointed something out. L earlier when we were trying to set up this and I I did mine perfectly and you were just dithering around. Yeahving No, having a meltdown Hving a total el No, wasn't. I actually wasn't Can you hear yourself tell me? I did mine perfect. is the words of a megalamania. That is a psychopathic. That'sort thing Elon Musk would say. I be mine perfect I cannot wait to introduce this podcast to the world. That is that's not positive for the world There's a there's a segment they did. I'm not even sure if it's coming out yet,'s on episode onene. I know what you're gonna say? The film, Yeah dear. Oh Oh my go It's at the end. I haven't laughed so much at a podcast in years Not since rats episode of salad been salad where Henry gets the rat the exterminator in Oh, I can't wait for everyone to hear it. Do also follow significant productroductions at significant HQ? No He tried his best person. He shot for the moon. didn't you? You did, isn' that takeak him? It was taken, yeah. Because Forst Whitaker has whoo is that? A company in the US? He's an American actor. he's quite a bigan actor. It's got a similar company. Sificant productuctions handle, of course, John is at that feel significant. Oh yes. whichich better, I Whichllow So follow at that feel significance for upcoming news about all our new podcasts. including Well, we've only gone and Blooming well acquired one as well. double Skinwigs. Skinwigs. One of our favorite podcasts and their social media clips. you may have seen they go viraless heck. They do. yeah. it's a lot of the the songs about Ash's dead dad are very popular. Very, very funny. Yeah, so the premise is Sam says he's discovered a CD of songs that Ash' father who' sdaddly passed away recorded for her before he died and is releasing them week by week. And it is insanely funny. And they all do, yes, they all go viral. It's great. Well, they are now part of significant productions. and now that is a podcast that already exists. Yes. So we acquisition. We are bringing them on board. Aquire it, Dave. L I I acquired it for it. Like when Craft bought walkers. Yeah, yeah. had to spoil it,'t it Craft An enormous international food conglomerate. How was that? Yeah, I didn't know this. Basically very few British companies still operate our Britain Dave, which means the tax is paid abroad.. Anyway, really looking forward to that Skinwig's podcast if you want to follow them. we've got a clip of skimwinkingss as well, there I made a little intro thing. I already played it you the other day because I thought this is too crap to go in, but I just thought I'll stick it in anyway because I've made it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah ye that's good. Yeah yeah yeah. This is the new intro for Skinwigs Ash is twenty and Sam is forty nine. But that's alright. They get along just fine 'cause their're best friends go depend til the end. Even though only one of them is neuro diver sist. Baby're back. Baby we' back Sever left, We're very stressed. S the shade is bare Do it Very good. It's good stuff, very talented duo. Also Sam's sketches, his comedy sketches are fantastic and Ash' in some of those as well She' one where she's doing a rude stand up set with pretending she's got a Willy, veryery, very funny So it's all good news today. We've been busy, haven't we? busy little beavers.' been de dead busy. Dad bus creation of a domino were subpop. Were rough traade. We're island. We're island. Which one are? Are we parophone? No Maybe Bz, we're Xcel, we're Boy beger. We're secretly Canadian. We're Jack Jaguar. Yeah. it can't be all of these. We're four AD. Oh yes. Yes. there we are. We're four AD four A. I' four AD. Yeah. Be four AD. I've Matt Burninger, I think. so I'm happy to be four AD. Okay Well, I want to be Domino We're all the same. Actually, I want to be a multimillionaet. Let's be soy. Okay. so let's pay them less Right everyone. It's time for a little treat for Ellice and Dave because I Did you ever suddenly realize when you're a grown up, you can buy as many sweets as you want I used to fantasize about this when I was little. Yeah I'm thinking when I leave on my dad's house I can have a house of sweets. Yeah. like a fairy tale. I can could keep them under the bed. L life them but not away. Yeah. Your kids drag you down. They take you through hell. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean there are some positives as well And I was we filmed something the other day, which left me with a lot of sweets. And it just got me thinking If I bought those sweets I could buy more sweets. I went to Tesco and bought loads of sweets. Yeah. And I had like a sort of sweet tasting party in my house Who was there? Me and Nausea. Okay. Turns out there's a reason you don't eat like eight different bags of sweets. Oh. But I'd discovered a new sweet which I thought you would both like to try. Okay. brand new or one do you think we might not have tried? I don' think you've tried this before And it was in the Japanese section. Teska obviously trialing some Japanese products. Japanese culture is big. It's big, it's huge in Japan. Yeah. No, but I mean like a lot of my daughters made up obsessed with Japanese stuff. Yeah It's very cool.s very cool. And also it's very different, just the way that they illustrate things, the fonts and stuff. They've got green tea flavour kitcuts. They've got green tea flavouror kitcuts, which we did actually try on Tick offff a Taste about ten years ago Take off a taste for one day only. Oh we're in the studio right now. We're not allowed to use the music because it's licensed. Yeah. so we'll have to sing it. God, the law, legal laws imagine that being good j. Good phone Diddle, diddle diddle diddle Take off a taste. T off a taste. is this licensed? Take off a taste. takeake off a taste Tick off the taste, Tick off the taste. Tick off a taste. Tick off a taste. And is that okay? Well, it's kind of such a generic thing we're doing it was Yeahah, but it was blanketty blank. I know what it is, Ax. Yeah, but was that aBC or ninet that was a BBC program was Balgun Yeah, but you could argue we're just say to c a taste together couldn't we? In a copyrighted melody Yeah Anyway, we'll see how that goes down. Oh blank has been on for years. So here are your tastes. It's fine, isn't it? Do people just forget about contracts? No. I want you to first I want you when I hand them to you, I want you to close your eyes. Okay I'll show them to the camera now, so close your eyes. Okay because I want you to describe the texture and what you think they are Yeah, I're gonna poison us. No, no, no, no, no, they just don't feel like tastes So They don't feel like taste. They don't feel like it's something you would put in your mouth. Oh, goodness. what's happening? Okay, so Dave There's your taste Don't squeeze it too much. Oh, it feels like flattened Oh, I won't say in case Evis has got O Can I say what it feels like? Yeah. It feels like someone's flattened candy floss And turn it into a circle. Okay, that's what it is I thought you werere gonna say like a dishcloth or foam or a sponge, but no you completely described it. It feels a little bit Fund him some Yeah Fun dim sum. Yeah. Yeah, start with that this is his guest then drop mine. Well there's the dim suum that feels looks like a pix of cloud. Yeah. Yeahah, yeah, like a bow bow. Yeah Okay, We sh I put it my mouth. Can I? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh ye, it's exactly what I thought it was. gosh Okay, so it was and I actually tasted this the other day, did you? Because Lilah had some. Okay, Dave, you're sucked and you can leave now and I'm going get Rachel Stubbings and Alistter Green to stand in for you Okay Oh this has gone in. Oh my God He's not a fan. It's too sweet feels right. The installation you get in an attic. Yeah it hasn't ro. Yeah if it hasn't been boarded downum Wow, oh now What do you mean know? I don't know. I don't know. It's got cookie bits in it as Yeah I asked the bit that I was saying theest thing I've eaten in my life Soaste that refreshes your w, doesnn't it is? Yeah. It looks a bit like a refresher. Actually, I really like it I don know this is gonna sound insane. Love Hearts is the colour scheme of our house. I really like pastels.. Yeah Andort diseer, which is good because she lives there as well. ' than God Dave, you can try Eice's and Ellis can try yours. W take a quick picture put there You bits of black pepper in yours days thinking. They're bits of cookie to replicate seeds Oh, this is Mad Alice' is crazy. What is what is yours, Alice So imagine like a sort of disc made of candy floss Yeah and Dave's is blue on the outside, then yellow then pink and that's refresh' flavour. And then the one Ellice is now trying is like a watermelon with bits of cookie and. It's the kind of stuff you'd eat at an amusement arcade. Yeah Yeah. Candy floss. Yeah. L if you were our flavour is mad, if you' at Blackpool or Brighton or something or An anywhere on the pier? is the kind of food that but in a handy little packet. so anyway, I thought that was a bit of fun Yeah. U u Very sugary sweet stuff makes the inside of my ears itch. It gives me like tongue injuries and my throat will start to itch no. Like I feel like I've cut my tongue if I eat too many sweets Um So what was it when we were three? When Lilah was three, I was at three. I was thirty eight We went to Backpool. And I nick the tiniest bit of her candi floss And she brings it up, but she hate like it is a vendetta that is stuck with her now to still rembers. Yeah. if we're talking about things in the past and she'll go Oh, I was that the year where you went to the blat pool, you n make my candy fls. 'cause I know I bit. She would have felt so aggreed. Yes. and down. I think I had quite a lot of it. because I thought she'd finished it. Yeah. because you know when kids just eating because if you're an adult, you kind of stop. It's usually because you' full and you're not going to return to it. but kids just take a lot of breaks. I've done that with adults meals before though I sort of my fork coming across the table. Yeah I haven't actually finished that yet. I I do that too much with my kids and I kind of then had a lot of the bag of the candy floss, the look she gave me. but whenever she references anything back to just previous years, she'll say, Ohh was that the same year where you stole my candy floss? No noting' damaging but that might be her earliest memory. I think it might be. But also you' brought them up as sort of sharp elbow thatcherites They believe that the markets will make sense of it all eventually. Yeah. it's a drip down effect, isn't it? We will'll all benefit there are some multi billionaires at the top. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Right some correspondence. Alllice, has anything caught your eye Allright Yes Hello my luscious lyrical lovelies, recent fan of your fab content, alough long term fan of your kedic outings here between meetings, browsing the BBC news site, well, okay, I was in a meeting and I was losing focus. And I came across an article about the Welsh team at the World Cup The title of said article, Cumary Connections. Surely this is plagiarism, not a mention ofllis to be found, with love and appreciation for Ellis John and Dave, Charlottes and Hove. Cumary Connections. who can Wales fans back at the World Cup? Because obviously Wales haven't qualified It's my friend Chris Wager who wrote that article. A He I know listens to the podcast and I saw Cany Connection as line in the Observer sports section A couple of weeks ago. you? It's now just it's entered the Lxicon. Wow, We're the virus you do want to catch. We are. So yeah, Charlatte in Hove, I'm an influence Although it' I did' actually come up with the phrase, it was Michael O producer who came up with the phrase Cary C connections. Aually I hate to hide my light under a bushel Well you're not, it feels like you're better to expose your light. But I'm the genius. How are you? What was Michael's idea? Oh yeah, the idea was developed by the team and I will not take much credit for that at all, but then we were floundering around for a name and it might have been me that Oh well nailed the name. Oh o. Soess so thank you' not me at all wasn't That's usually it's me K back and bushel Oh and this is from Mike the Post in Nottingham. pushback for my Wcup sticker idea. Hello John, I listen to. I listened with interest to the sticker book idea Elis had in the last episode, I do have reservations though. for that reason I'm also out My main one would be that being part of the Panini World Cup sticker album and collecting stickers for the World Cup should be one of the perks of qualifying for the World Cup a reward for those other countries who do not have no issue with them having their own sticker books separate to the World Cup one. if that was my team, I'd want to burn them all for not qualifying Doesn't it hurt more for Els to collect stickers of a team that failed to make it? I think a lot of fans would feel the same and John is right, no one would buy it. Best wishes love the show, Mike Papulsti. A couple of things. The sticker books for teams I haven't qualified already exist. That ship has sailed Yeah. So where' has it got one, I'm sure Northern Ireland have got one. Im sure that you know, the Republic of Ireland have got one as well. We didn't qualify It doesn't stop the sticker wheel from turning. However, I do feel aggrieved that we didn't qualify for certain tournaments in the past. I think some of the decisions, for instance, were unjust It wasn't a penalty when Willspiss got into nineteen eighty five and thenam Park. and so I think we deserve a sticker book. Lots of people are think like me, so Mike, it's going to make me a million billion thousand grand. send you anym. Well, it's kind of so this week there was a news story about Merlin are bringing back their ninety sticker books. So was that kind of yet again I am one step ahead of the zeipgeist. look The magic of Merin is back and they're bringing back, you know this I thought that was the one I at. Yeah. Yeah. So they're bringing it back kind of in a contemporary form but from the players that played. It's adjacent to your idea because I know' right. Explain me something. Yeah. If there's one thing football fans bang on about, it's having money squeezed out of them by corporate entities Oh my Godd They brought how stickers from the nineties, it's so magic. Yeah, but just backs a grand to the Premier League do that. I understand why people even I'm not gonna get involved because mom that there's a fight in a pipe. I'm not getting involveder. I took a back seat there. The amount of willing exppension of disbelief that happens amongst football fans. Yeah. And I know every sport where there's a lot of money there is corruption. but it is insane Yeah blind eyes being turned to so much stuff. I think that's true of all sport. I think more in football than anywhere. the live tour But that was hugely criticized and is dying as a result. Yeah, but I think all sports and sanctioned. All sports have these U you know, all sports have got corrupt aspects. None more than FIFA Yes, that's a good one. but I think Russia Qatar USA spread across Basically three continents. I can get into this, but I'll give you a book that was on the William Hill short list last year that involves cricket and boxing, which ises. Cycle go Oh yes, I could' ind did. I love them all I do enjoy your Merlin stickers. It's a yes, I suppose you're about tes a bit of fun.'s I fun. But it's sort of it yeah, it's wearing fun's clothing. Yeah, but also I think we're we're not saying Merlin are corrupt and the brand who knows how deep this goes, Dave. They're just releasing merch that was big in nineteen ninety six for Sadows like sure I collected them. Yeah, I did yeah. I still I think I still got my completed premier first premier Lague album that' the err, wasn't it? It it was the blue one I the blue one. Yeah. I never completed it, but I did have it It was too hard to complete. It was David. I sa David Batsy. Now I can't I can't believe this Alex Wilson in Macklesfield emails Dear my little rosy cheek little smashers In relation to last week's made up games, specifically the discussion on how long a game of keyPuppies would take to decide the World Cup winner instead of penalties I want to draw your attention to John Farnworth. To name just a few of his achievements, he has crossed the Sahara in seven days, crossed the world's largest frozen lake, ran the London marathon, and climbed six thousand meters up Everest, wait for it all whilst continually keeping the ball in the air with K Uppies. because I was about to say, the frozen Lake one felt quite manageable. Yeah, and how big can it be? We've done the marathon And we've done the under marathon. We had a Ky Uppe freestyler close the show on Fantasy League Yeah every week in the second or third series. was mad the stuff he could do. And he was dressed as a football so he was blind So he couldn't see what he was doing and he was still able to do keep you up pe crazy. I've been lucky enough to meet him a couple of times and he's a lovely bloke as well as being extraordinarily talented. I genuinely think he could keep the ball in the air permanently given the opportunity. If FIFA do decide to implement John's changes to the game, in the event of a draw, I think it has to be one hundred percent certainty for a spot in the squad and can guarantee a long overdue worldorld Cup for England you climb six thousand meters up Mount E. C' keep your boot. Curiously it doesn't necessarily mean they're good at football. No, no I also I asked our guy, I can't remember his name, which is awful. R I remember Brasking and I said did Do you play much any no . But also being a footballer doesn't necessarily mean you're that good at key ups. Obviously you're good, but no footballer would practice doing keepy upps for more than I don't know, a few minutes. Well They do it is part of drills now. I remember watching the whales team train and they had to have a race and do ke up bees and sort of kick the ball into a bin and then run back and was They're all divided into teams very competitive And the good players can do it for ages and it's just they tend not to do it. And when would you do it in a game? Yeah yeah. A you were even allowed to do that? It's not good for to just keep you up all the way to the other end and score a goal. So Curkey did it for City. Oh yeah. L do it as well. And if you do it on your team a three and four and, it looks like you take it's just show back Yeah. So you not there's no rules to stop. I remember Ryan Kigs doing it in a wheels game Yeah. Ral diditive is U but how would you Why Mount Everest and obviously not to the top, that would be impossible. they're all huge on YouTube, the best ones. They're lot of loads of subscribers and also they do they do tricks that are completely irrelevant to an in game situation. hatching it in your neck? Yeah, or they'll be They'll sitting down and they'll be and they'll turn into a goose and then they'll chuckle it on the soles of their feet. You're wearing running trainers? I am, yeah. Do here No, I'm going to visit my muma dad and I'd like to do Carthen Parkan tomorrow. So you put your shoes on now There's enough room in my bag foront of the spair of shoes I'm weearing my running trainers. So I'm regular to sleep in the as well. I'm trying to travel light. It's like when when you buy your first pair of football boots, you put them on my Wednesday. love When I was in the cafee before the show started, a man came up to me said, loveve your trainers me And I misheard him. I thought he was actually taking the mic. I was like what? you're train this. I was like, thank you. Yeah. you're pulling him off, because I've seen you where there's a few' not pulling him off, today, that's the last thing he's doing He's gone on twenty four hours early Um Well, best of luck in the park Rround. Iven't done Kamar the men before. I'm looking forward to that. Let's chat to Adrian Let's move away from football now as Ellice can't bear talking about it. So Ellice and John, talk about something else. takeake this conversation wherever you want it to go. How are you both? I'm good. I just played a very rude word in scrbble Did you? Yeah. how many points? sixty two Really Are there extra points for rudeness? No, but you could I guess you could play a fun sort of adult scrabble for in an evening game Yeah where you get bonus tenightes for rudess. If your relationship is on the rocks to try and spice things up, you could play a sort of rude scrbble When I was when I was working in football, Ledixon and I spent a lot of time traveling traveling around the world sitting next to each other on planes. We played Srabble relentlessly. Really? invariably beat me. He just seemed untroubled by the meaning of words and was just better at finding things that work. It's not about word meaning, Adrian it's about word I combinations. And he's also very used to working under pressure Yes, that is true. I think when you've won the Lague Unfield, you can handle plane scrabble against Adrian Chiles on a plane Well, yes, you'd think so. And in fact that did that did prove to be prove to be rightong. I think the scoring system's wrong in that you should that should we should be More of a bonus for getting using longer words. There is fifty points for using all your letters. That' you okay. but six points should six letters should earn you You know, there should be some value in six letters over over three letters. Okay. So maybe an extra bonus for each letter you use. fiveive points per letter whichich does enourage more open board. Whereas I'm guessing Dicks are very defensive. Lots of What about letter words overlapping each other? Yeah, what about you too? Wh who wins out of you? Jo, I've never actually played Scrbble and John is obsessed with it. Yeah We were working on Tuesday. We spent the day filming. Any downtime, John was playing sccrabble on his phone. s I'm great company. Okay. So if I give you I'm going to give you a list of sports and pastimes and just tell me who'd win. at each of these Chess U John Yeah Contract bridge to learn the rules but I would win. N never played a, but John would win Conquers Hu. Conquers, I think that's fifty fifty. Yeah, very much. I bet Ellis has got some traditional Welsh hardening techniques. Yeah for his conquers. Vinegar and cow urine. Yeah Mix martial arts Ellis got low center of gravity, but I'm a bit like Dal Sim in Street fighter. I've got long limbs. I can't throw fireballs. o What about the cross bar challenge in football Oh, Ellis. I can't get the ball off the ground. It's so embarrassing. I'm a keeper, but I have to get defenders to take the goal kick. I hit the crossbar twice in two attempts in front of Mickey Thomas once the excellent United Chelseaed and exxcellent Wales player and he offered to sign me there and then. he said they can be your agent. is quite something Do you think about that every night when you're just trying to get yourself off to sleep? It'sly in the time ten of my ever present thoughts Yeah He was so he was he was delighted on my behalf. It was a really lovely moment Oh, that's absolutely beautiful. That's sending me off into the weekend with a smile, that is, I must say Well, now it's time for our regular feature where I try to introduce Ellis kicking and screaming to the world of mindfulness and acceptance and enlightenment S slightly because Ellis is already enlightened. he just doesn't know it yet. Wh isn't this the perfect? I sake Well, you can become enlightened by mistake by nature, I think. No, maybe you can't actually. I'll check that out. I'll Google it. Okay. Are you enlightened? Hm Yes, Rick. He's done all the background reading U orr is it always a j? Is anyone ever fully enlightened? I suppose that's the question, isn't it Very good question, Dave. Who is the most entuused person on earth? Yes. I suppose it's Bono No Bonno is still grasping. Is seen him in that big sphere in LA. No still doesn't find what he was looking for go. Very. very good Dave. Cheers out I appreciate that. Areciate that. Did you set that up? Didn't? I didn't. Did you set yourself up for a half fully? No, I am good with song titles and that didid honestly pop into my head after we were in it. Well, they say before enlightenment, chop would carry water. After enlightenment, chop would carry water So in some senses, you would I've got gus central eightating In some senses You wouldn't know got a would because it's not allowed in my borough So what's the point in that? You know why that is? smmoke and air pollution? Yes. and you know the eents that brought that about The Great London smog has nineteen fifty three. Yes, the most ever people who died in a natural disaster in the UK. Really? Yeah overver a thousand people died as a result of that smog Enlightenments. No, Though the council became enlightened to the dangers of particulates in smoke Yes. So wood and water. I guess I guess in light also get from the top Well maybe the parable will help explain Elightenment. Okay. So let me begin this week's lesson in our feature common sense A drunken man visits his friend's house He stays. They talk, he eats, he drinks, he becomes drunk. He passes out. His friend has to leave in the morning on a business trip and sews a rare jewel into his clothes. Wh I fig? you imagine how confusing that would be if you were hug over and you're like, Oh, I've slept on something. What's on this bed? Why is it a rare jewel in my t shirt? t think I don't think's on board this one yet, John. The businessman leaves to go off and do his work. The drunken man wakes up hungover Also leaves the house and travels from one place to another, begging for basic necessities. o Later, The drunken man returns to his friend's house And his friend tells him that all along There was a priceless jewel sewn into his clothes Is that it? Yeah. What could you not have just given it to me, mate. And then I could have sold it. And then I could have deposited in the bank. Well, what am I meant to learn from this? Well the jewel represents It feels like a sort of a mean spirited practical joke. The businessman's like, I'm so rich, I can sew jewels into your clothes and not tell you. No. I should if I hadd done that to you when you were pissed? What' You put a grand in your back rockking. you got to train back to Buckinghamshire But the jewel doesn't rep looks in your pocket John? No. Jewel doesn't represent Well, Of course it does. It's a jewel. It represents spiritual enlightenment. The drunken man represents people who are trapped in self in sort of self fulfillment. Yeah. And the businessman represents the Buddha and the clothes represent ignorance that hides us from the knowledge. So what the parable is saying is that we all have the ingredients necessary for enlightenment within us on our person in our clothes by a friend. within around us. he didn't though, did he? Well If he didn't have anything in his clothes. He'd gone to his mate's house, got piss. He's fallen asleep and he'd woken up. had a jewel sewn into his trousers, which he didn't know about. That's not that's not the same as being Iing the tools to Elightenment. Let me tell it a different way. Okay There are three wise men. between them They have the crrown of life. Okay. The crown of understanding. make No. And they say, Where shall we hide this? What that business? What the drunk would have needed was A fry up and had the means to pay for it But he didn't realize. They say, where will we hide the crown of life so that No one finds it.. One of them says, whyy don't we hide at the top of the highest mountain? I keep me up, he's on the way up. And the other two go, I'm not sure about that. You know what they're like? they're always searching, they're always climbing, they're always exploring, they'll find it. And the other one says, Well why don't we hide it at the bottom of the deepest crack in the ocean? Okay He says that's not a bad idea, but you know what they're like? One of them' eventually going to get down there and find it And then the third one says Why don't we hide it within them That's the one place people never look. If you tried swallowing a crown, Absolutely horrible. Within who? humumanity, within each human? I just don't feel like Dave's got the crrone of life in him. No no, we all do. We all have that jewel of understanding and enlightenment. Well, I'm full of candy floss at the moment. So to wit the answer D yourour question, A I enlightened? I would say, I have a growing awareness that I have everything I need to be content and unattached to the world within me. Okay. But like I didn't see any of this when you were filming the borus content in a superstation. st I would say we' content for first hour. But it's not that you don't feel lack and emptiness and longing. that you're able to manage it within yourself. Yes. You don't need other things to sort of make you feel better. Yeah to snap you out of things. Yeah. But sometimes you I mean, everyone slips back into it, but it's like doing reps in a gym. You go, come on, John. It's not going to make you happy if that thing happens. It's just You know, just if it's meant for you, it will come and if it's not, it will pass. Just a dalai Lama, like I don't know. if you'd open a really important let and spill coffee on it or something Prettyad for God's sake. Well, he would say the coffee is already spilt on the letter. hisis wife would say you're mad We needed that We needed that. There's a QR cord on it and now we So he would say the QR code has already passed into insignificant. QR code has al gone say And she'd say. You've been called speeding. We've got to declare who the driver is. is'sally got twenty eight days. With that particular what is it parable? With that particular one about the whole, you know, glasses already bright, you' got to be a bit responsible and careful with how you use that, I mean you. Well, no, because I guess what you would say is that freeing yourself from the anxiety Yeah actually makes you more able to prioritize, to get things done, to decide what's important and what's not. So it's not saying that you suddenly don't care about anything. It's saying that that non attachment means you're much more able to balance judgments When you used to live in Lewishham and you were drinking a If I'd gone to your house and you'd been asleep and I'd sewn a rare priceless jewel into your clothes told you. I'm trying to wonder try to work out of course I' have been a nightmare because I was unenlightened. Yeah Yes. This is it. I was not on the road to Enlightenment. He's on the road now, but also there is a road to Louciia Migh Street. There is a school of thought which says Do not differentiate enlightenment from unenlightenment Just be part of the cosmos ike don't see teachers and pupils as separate things. We are all one. A You don't always have to do that at the end please. Well, I think it add something. Also it's punctuation. I know he's finished his thought when he goes a No. When John we should starting out on the podcast. When John does made up game. I think it's almost like he's lost faith that he's quite landed the message. So he's got to throw that on the end. It's like a spooky story you've got to go You could say even though I am tryrying to pass on this wisdom to Ellis. Yeah. I am neither wise nor unwise. Ellis is neither wise nor unwise. We are the same. I am Ellis and Ellis is me. G good good you. Yeah. And I'm you, Dave. So you will need to get an extra pizza in for tonight. Okay I'll be there. We're on c I really? Yeah You're eating for two now Well thank you. very again, very interesting stuff. It's good stuff. Sace. I genuinely think we are learning a bit here. Yeah. This guy's pretty smart. I'm neither smart nor not smart. No here it is. good God. it is it sometimes quite infuriatingough. Yeah. I think in a minute though he'll go what I am smart. And the m go down. I've got three really good A les. No But as soon as I get attached to the idea of me being clever. Yeah, I'm now looking for sort of validation by going o Oh, I'm a clever person I know staff not know I am nothing, I'm no one. That thought of insignificance does me well in life. Oh so good. That's quite a good thing to have you. Imagine what you look like from Pluto, Dave. Yeah. Tina. That's why I love the sea.magine the sea from Pluto. Yeah. tina Imagine Pluto from Alpha Centuri. What are you looking at me? Plutsou' dead sina? It's not even a plan anymore. So nots not you know, Enjoy your Cortinas gig, ennjoy your cgl by all means. But they will flow into the sea of life and become molecules. And my cagl is tiny. I was thinking today like Isn't it from Pluto? It is. No one cares. Cortins are still massive in Pluto. Whenever my email inbox gets to four hundred emails, I start to get stressed. Yeah. So what I do is I bring it down, get it down to about fifty and that then becomes my to do list because they're all the things that haven't been done or filed. And then I was doing it yesterday and I thought, what the hell are you doing this for? We're all gonna die. No, ' that's irresponsible though, isn't it? I know, but that's what you have to guard against with this kind of thinking. It's like, well, I don't need to. But I did think like what's gonna happen? L an hour before you die, you're gonna think, Oh I got four hundred fifty emails. you should get them down to fifty before And all the photos I've got never look at them Aart from yesterday and I had to find a photo of a rare vacuum. It took me so long to findide it R vacuum. But you know now you can search in photos and AI scans all your pictures. Oh yeah, yeah. abbsolutely. cages. So they go. I love it. I'm enjoying commonense.una week for more parabolation Parabuli, Parabuli. Yeah We hope that you feel enlightened by common sense. We'll be back with you tomorrow on BBC Sounds for the Beautul Challenge of just a heads up Uh, a little mouse. the studio while we were away I think it got into some of the post of a Bureau D Charge of the mind. And you know what whyice so like might have eaten mice or forty four year old adult mice, Dave. withithin each of us are two mice That tr good most and a bad most. Yeah. Crank couple the Zan music again's off. which is off, whichich one do you feed So what are the options? Within each of us are two mice, thank you Zf. Thank you Zof. A hungry mouse and a full mouse. Yeah the survival of items sent into the Bureu de Changees of the Mind. D depend on which mouse you feed. full one or before you record. You know, you're extremely successful trauma pod. You're a real greedy gut you. Wow. okay. So when you talk tell people how they've coped with You know, some of life's challenges you're absolutely full of biscuits I It was such a different slunt on the interview. like John's got his trauma specs on. He's like, tell me Your book makes for quite harrowing reading and inside is all the churn of all the custard cres. Paul Bonson digests been all the Harry Bowan. He loves it As all' to come fx about war Iraq and depression. L J It's like he's been to a child's birthday party. He's full of calling the caterpillar or whatever about little silent bir. on his. I sorry, but he' a bersy pig, soister. Ellis holding space for people, witnessing difficult accounts of trying situations You need high blood sugar. Yeah, people have sugary tea, don't they when they blood shock. Yes. so that's exactly what I'm doing. Eesssentially. I'm acting like the highways agency. Yes. I'm putting a foil blanket around myself, telling myself to sit on the barrier. Yeah. away from the vehicle. A away from the vehicle takeake a few moments, We'll make you a sweet cup of tea But all of those things are chocolate. Yeah. So the foil blanket is chocolate, the barrier is chocolate sweet coveree is chocolate. The highighways agency is made of chocolate. There's a chocolate motorway and I drive a chocolate car about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Sounds great. We're gonna get one Yeahah. I want one But howd you Cope is good. It's good pod. It is good pod. It's good pod. Fantastic episodes coming out hither and thither. Oh yeah The next is with Kelsey Wagghorn. Oh my lord. survived the volcano eruption on White Island and she is incredible. And her book is incredible. It's called Surviving White Island. Yeah. And you interviewed her full of miniature heroes. She's the only miniature hero around here. She's not even miniature, she's normal sized, that's not p That's of her story