Apple CarPlay and Tech Frustrations

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon d. com slash Ellison John. Hello, thank you very much for downloording and listening to this episode of the podcast. I'm Ellis James and I'm with Dave Bestterman and the all powerful, the All seeing John Robins. because about three minutes ago five members of staff in the office were discussing the World Cup. John said foootball free zones will stop and everyone just stopped. you've only been back in the room for ten seconds. Yeah. It's quite but I've been able to hear it from where I was and a nightmare. Yeah. So the conversation was happening with John in a different room and then he came in immediately put it to an end. And then we were all quiet as my Suttling and doing our jobs in complete silence. You have to respect my World Cup boycott Be Be it's from a moral stance. Okay. And also my boyct, I've not seen a kick or a goal so far. Oh that, it's like Wamageddon, but for. It is. Yeah. Tell you what I did see, which I did really like is a load of Gharian school children watching the game And the one in the front row gets the notification of the goal about ten seconds before it goes in and he's standing up and he's looking at his phone, he's looking and he knows there's going to be a gl fantastic. And then have you seen it? Yeah. And then they go absolutely wide. But did he ruin it for everyone else? No, because he's kind of like like He doesn't turn around ag go we've scored. Oh nice. Be a lot of people have done that Oh it's so nice. Well, that's kind of your job, I think, in a ground. get if you get given noticice before every anounnce you have to alert them. So I quite admire his non spoiler. It couldn't happen in a ground, could it No, but what sometimes happens? No, no, no, but what happens?id it real it doesn' it ever actually we should If you cant No, you can't get notified of a goal before the goal has gone it. If you're playing. otb Match and there is a very important football match happening elsewere the one' right yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah. There's an influcer is there? I keep I'll know them, Dave. You won't. Of course I will. I beast. It's not K beast I think she' called Celinee She does a lot of football stuff and she goes an Iian Myan city you' scored ' she mans to just. And what accent is she doing in that end Dave? I think she's Portuguese. You think so? Okay, yeah. I think she is 'cause she loves Ronaldo. Anyway. and she goes, Oh. I'll just do it normally. No, you can't. No I won't, you've got to do vice. You're perfect accurate fored a Portuguese accent Uh o Man if you've scored. P's not too b. I've gone red. Like the Pogis flag. And she's on a phone She's on a phone. She Oh, Man if you've scored. and then the person who's filming her then cuts to the attack and then the goal goes in. And it's fun to watch once, but basically what it means is she's doing that probably about thirty times again. Dot understand what Because she's sitting she's seeing an attack happen. Yeah on herone. she go Oh, man city of score. She's doing exactly that. It's if she's got it's as if the match is delayed, but she's in the stium and she's getting the notification before the goal goes in. So she's trying to preempt the goal. Yeah, but then obviously when the goal goes in, she goes see and it it's supposedly quite fun and impressive. She must do it for every chance. She must do it for every chance. Yeah. And there's people in the comments going, you must be the nightmare to sit next to every time the team are on attack You're doing in this? Oh manity you've scored. and that makes her a living, does it She is absolutely huge. We're in the wrong game. We're in the wrong g gamess gone game has gone. Oh We f play orgrra Mil. She does someell other good stuff. She does football tricks and things like that. Oh, does she do things like, o God, this's gonna be a throw in Oh, John, she's just got seven point six million followers So so good. goodood to her. good to her. good to her. And I want to meet her Let me see Oh, she just seems to like she really likes football. She loves it. She She seems lovely. so so that's one there the goalie of Cape Verdy you know, he started off the day with like seven thousand followers. You can't do it before a penalty. Sorry, I was just showing John one of the examples. She did that I showed him as well. She did it before someone stood up about to take a penalty That's obvious. She does do it in open place. But all of those followers, right? So the Gali of Cape Verdie started the day with about seven thousand followers and then they had the incredible draw with Spain. We're talking about football. I'm going to ask John a question that isn't about football. And then overnight he's now one like five million followers. Yeah, whichich puts an awful lot of pressure on that first post. since he's gained all of these new followers, John. If I bought you five million followers overnight, and they're real. they're not bots. And they're real They're real people Nm What are you doing with your first post? First post to my new five Million question. That is a good question. It is. C it' engaged again now. I what it is. That's really surprising and uncharacteristic for me. It's a very modern question. It is actually, yeah. It's not arkay life. I love that offian As some noddings you saw young. ' this is the thing. so you're on, you know ninety thousand or whatever it is. Yeah. And everyone, all of your followers know your vibe. they know what the brand is. But you've done some things so spectacular that overnight you've got five million followers. And it's not like No, no, it's a good thing. you've done a good thing. Yeah. You told a really good joke Okay, great. A really funny joke. Yeah went viral. or I am Meghan Markle's new boyfriend. Yes, that'd do it. That'd do it. Yeah. I think she's taken Well but day, this is an enormous scandal. Oh wow. But now you we're straying into the realms of it being negative. Yes, okay because that that would mean Fous single person's new boyfriend and it's all fine Yes. you're Olivia Rodrigo's new boyfriend. She's single. I don't know, I missed you. No shes with geese, geese, geese. Is she? She she with the camera winter? Yeah. I can't think of another famous. I think Jennifer Lopez is single. No, she's well, not from what I've heard can say no more Okay, u Thist matter Thist matter. Simiss' new wife. No, Sim ago I liked Charlie's Thoron's dating profile and she didn't respond. Right. So maybe Charlie's Though I'm no longer on that dating site. Gets in touch with my agent. This is real life light. Yeah, this is real. Okay. I've made a terrible mistake. How did I miss this? I didn't realize that it was John off the podcast I listen to. Yeah I'd like to arrange a date with John. C can I just establish it's definitely Elis ' I hate him. Yeah. I certainly hate his stunder. Yeah She'll be leaving at halftime. So he said that we need a name for the people who are going leave D interval. I go on a date with Charlise Th'on. The halftime vibekillers. Atop the shard So everyone can see Exactly. and we are papped three hundred and sixty degrees Yeah by helicopters and drones. Okay, you not like lit lants because all the cameramen are on the bottom. Yeah, how many followers has Charlie's Thon got She have a few Charlie's Thon has got eight point two million followers Five million of them, five point one million, follow me. Who's this hunk? Yeah Yeah. which is what a proportion will say? Yes. most of It So my first my first post would be I think it's time probably to shake off the ninety thousand and to introduce the real me No, surely it's time to introduce them to Bad goollf with Alex Wan.'s been in active for three years. Yeah. And I think the website address has just expired. Look. No, I launch my wellness brand Yeah. Yeah That's quite on brand. John Robins by the heart And it's a series of yoga mats, ceramics, local hies, local to wherever you are A you single? and U trainers. But wellness trainers. Wellness trainers becausecause they're made of hemp They're made of hemp and they don't have souls Well, no, they do because walking barefoot on grass lowers your blood pressure. So they just cover the top bit if your foot. Walking barefoot on glass raises your blood pressure Yeah, which is why we invented shoes. Exactly, but this is is these are your wellness trainers for people with access to a garden. Okay, so my wellness trainers are like the Flintstones car Yeah. the trainers around the outside and on the barefoot on the footon. Yeah yeah Okay, and what do you do? Do you do a little video say, Hey gang My name' Jhn Robins. I'm going out withish Charlie's Thon. I get Charl's Thoron's mates to appear in my video. so the first one would, I don't know, be Hey, I'm at home with Meryl Streep, a friend of mine who just likes to pop in for some fresh strawberries that I grow in my garden. and we're using my wellness spoons to eat them. And they're specially embossed with hearts at the end of the spoon. They And they're five hundred grand each You've got to se one. Yeah, exactly. You got to sell one spoon to an idiot. Yeah, and it's life changing. Exactly. So you've not gone down the content route here. you've gone down, how do I monetize this as quickly as possible She's fine. What does five point two million followers mean to you B Yeah, markarketplace. Marketplace. Yeah. So my wellness brand Okay It is an odd brand for five point two million new followers to get to grips with Wellness, queen sadness. Well, I don't talk about Queen or sadness. No deleting him all. It's gone.'s g. Jn. old Johny is dead. Yeah, he's not doing this anymore. It's me doing a cat cow So I'm on by the heart or from the heart. it doesn't matter which Yogaat doing my cat cow And a little house. Yeah. No, because I'm in a big house because of course you on. So I take my in breath new followers John Robins here. Yeah Everything I do By the heart slash from the heart. to matter which And it's like CBD T as in T T E A Yeah, which we which I would put in just CBDT, the letter.. That's the brand of my CBDT. So you' still got humor in there? is it Yeah That's what I was going to say, is there any room for humor in your wellness brand? Big time. We like to have a laugh in the Yt U ca a cacao ceremony should be amusing because you are essentally drinking hot chocolate. Are you putting on those camps where everyone goes and they do loads of acid and stuff like that? I ask. Ias.. John's a very empty. Itsrug free. It's drug free. becausecause there's no grasping. There's no searching for altered states. Oh God, you sound quite real istic then. Yeah Why do you take a lot of this complete? So what would you Dave, what would you do with your five million new followers? Id just put on all my friends at the O. kn Wembley. would say Will yourates to Weembleley? Try and sell out the crosswires one first. Yeah pass the strp. You could do a day to school at Weembleley Stadium. D do at Wemblely Street. D do it day do at all of the Will Cup venues in Mexico City. I could do all that. Um There's yeah, theres this There's smaller ones that I need to sell up first. I think Hanid have something to see If you said that you're going to do a day to in Mexico city because it' would be five point two million Oh she'd She'd say what what bunts are you bringing home from that? Is this going to get us to centre parks in October? Id say yes, it will get to centre parks. You you know what we can stay for six days, not four And you'll go get the hell out of Mexico. if you go. And you can have Spard day if you like. and we can play Badminton this time. because we have the we have the money to pay extra to play Badminton. It is an absolute swz job. It's great Yeah So I would yeah, I go to Mexico and take all my friends international. Um With Io Graham What's all my friends in Spanish I've got no idea. I don't speak any Sispanish. me, u You what? Todos meigos? Todos me some eigos. That works. Yeah. I my Todos Mos Aigos tonight. That sounds That sounds quite snappy. Yeah Yeah, let's do it T off some air welomons off S she speak Span. Wow, that's good. GCSason. I've t ask me some egos. if you can run a club night out there, then you're halfway. Yeah. What would you do, Alice? You just made you sh would up. I do it I know I'd forget Oh no, I think I feel the pressure. I think I wouldn't post for a very long time. and then I would just watch my followers dwindle. No, do you know what you should do? And you already do. Five point two, four point nine. four point seven. Yeah point one three point two Oh dear. H anyone seen how this recently? Yeah, then Id just whl it down to the original eighty thousand my favorites. But what of your most ex And then I'd use the remaining half a million followers to plug a Welsh language gig. Okay I think with some of your more accessible content is your piano playing. And I think to a brand new audience, that would go down just as well as it does with your current fans. o the iPhone. But some of your more accessible content as if some of the edgiest Miles Davis bititch'es Brew of Instagram posts. That's all good stuff that youre doing now, but that's nice, wholesome contcept. that everyone no one's not liking that Yeah be You know, I get scrutiny for my house when I do those. People point out that my kids put stickers on the windows and stuff. I wouldn't want the scrutiny from five million different people. have to hire steve do I'll be rued. We're not seeing your kids anyore ' because you've shacked with Charl' Thr on. Oh yeah, good idea. Yeah, good point.our family are out of the picture. Yeah, goodbye I u Birthday party this week Uhuh Good friend the Great Chris Skull And he hired a chef. I think he knows him, but was this chef was on master chehef and did very well apparently all of this beautiful Mexican food it was the Kight of the England, Croatia game So it' very small groups. we went over there to what it was a six course meal, amazing in his house and we watched the match and he put big screen up, brilliant. First course, I don't know what it was. I don't know very much about Mexican food. Anyway It arrived. delicious apart from the bottom stuff, the stuff on the bottom of the plate wasn't great. So Tang and describe what it was? It was like It was like a sort of look like a little h' d'euvre with I think maybe caviar at the top U but on a bed of stuff So then I ate the'ors deuvre and then I was eating the bed of stuff, which is pretty unpleasant of stuff you meant to read the bles? Claire said. I don't think you meant to read the peabbles that is the ples. said What It's a cushara's on play. That's on the play. I really don't think you are. a cusha And then Tom Crane said, Well, they're little stones. I know. I said they'd be fine. So I was said' excreuse me, bate. You gonna to me all this stuff. you sorious I'd just eaten some Mexican stones. hold on. If Tom Crane is telling you you've made a photogine, I worry. It was bad. And then for the rest of the evening then every time you. Did't hur your teeth? Yeah. Yeah I just thought God that Mexicans have got strong teeth This is awful So yeah, so then every time the guy the food was amazing Then for me, the benefit for my benefit every time you brought anythinging or za, you could eat all of this cell. I'd be like, o thank you. Oh, I think that's a bit unfair because if you're putting something on a plate and you're cooking high end stuff, I think you do need to go, by the way that's for display. They don't display pebbles. I did realise they were display pebbles. but then obviously everyone el was having a lot of fun as he was bringing all this fantastic food People like, excuse me, bate, you' can need gravels from. Sorry, Ohate, Ellis loves gravel. He loves eating gravel or chipppinens or little pebbles. but he stones me My Bick dust for Ellis, He loves for yeah And then I just sort of fantem fear stomache because I'd been eating gravel. Yeah. O of course because you shouldnt you should't eat gravel At least didn' eat gravel, but then it was broadly fine. But um yeah, I just felt u Because I was amongst friends, I didn't feel toobarrass if Id done in restaurant, Mag if I did it on a date Well gravel on a date. didn't did We've had shame wells of people eating salt. Yes. Yeah. And people eating oil. Yeah. I remember is he putting paraffin on a pizza? I knew something Yeah. and me saying that I've done it because I'm such a great guy. yeah I think it was chili oil Yeah gent. It was good of me, Dave. Yeah. And that is why I'm going to retain some of my five million new followers. Well no, because that is good good guy index. But you're shacked off with Charliee. O of course I left your family behind. It So impossible then to maintain the good a. It really is when you've gotone and shacked off with someone else I went to u aces now. I think Ive hit that age I went to the pub to watch England and I was like I ten years ago I would have loved. If even five years ago, I would have been shuckucking a paint glass in the a. I never was a pint chucker guy, but gotot involved. Now it's like, can everyone just stop singing I wantanna chat to my mate, Ed next to me. Yeah. The songs are also a little bit off colour, which I don't love. and I I just w want to watch England. What do you mean by off color? Oh World War two songs. like all that nonsense. It's twenty twenty six Yeah Let it go. And also we've got a German manager. madness which no one had spoted the irony of. wasn't why they were singing these ridiculous songs. Yeah, but the ability of thicos to compartmentalize issues is sort of well documented. But also I think I just I was very I happily put up with and I suppose I kind of shut all that stuff out until recently, but now I'm in my forties. Im And to speak louder I'm just so like commudenous now at this say. I could have watched thisbe it's nice to my friends. I couldn'tar of them because it's so blooming loud in it So I think maybe' I'm not going I don't think I'll do the pub for any other. You used to be having a laugh pub. I know. it's sad, isn't it? But I think I was just thinking that I was thinking, This is fine. it's a great game It's fairly entertaining. It was good. but If I was just at home, if I put a screen up in the garden like Chris did or wherever you put a screen up, I would, you know, eight to ten of your best mates You got your fridge there. It was great. I think that's where I'm at now. I think that's the vibe. I think pubs are done Forever. Yeah, I think that's it. So what's the volume gonna be like at the next all my friends, Dave? Oh, yeah, but that's different Right That's almost, you know a communion of like minded people that you make in the frateales Well This week, I ate gravel, which was a loss Dave went to a noisy pub, which was a loss, so let's find out how Johon's week has been in John Wins again Okay Wins again, John wins again, wins again Okay, first off, there was a quite a big loss slash win this week, but I don't know whether to talk about it now or whether to talk about it on Tuesday. Okay. What do you want? Let's talk about it on Tuesday then. Okay's a lovely It's a big significi loss or win It's a Siffi score draw. Oh so it's There's ambiguity as to whether it's loss or win. Yeah, it definitely doesn't feel like a win, even though the outcome is good Oh, then let's do this for Tuesday. Okay, o. So listen to Tuesday's show to find out about my significant score draw. What a share driver, I think they call it? What? I don't know, I just some say it on radio. U I have been introduced to the world of the farm shop of you. I didn't realise that within about a ten mile radius of me, o there must be lost. Some of the world's great farm shops and one of them I had the best lunch I've ever had. Okay. Have you ever heard the phrase Otaleni? Oh, That's got something to do with it. What you play Argentina? Very good. This is a football phraser. Oh know, come onend.s It works even if you don't like football, It's an Argentinian sounding name Then the farm shop attached It's basically like going to TBay But I don't have to drive to the border with Scotland It was incredible. Frozen items, meats, cheeses There was a cheese room that you walked. Oh no I love that. There's a very nice farmer's market near my house on a Saturday, which is just exceptional. It was superb. Also cheese headads are an interesting bunch. the people for whom like cheese is the defining aspect of their personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a bit like real ale kind of do e Yes. but there's a definitely a Ven diagram. There's a big share in the Venn diagram. Also, it turns out to be my closest stockist of Truckleman's Pccaillily. who have been in contact with the show before. And there you go That's a win. Yeah, that's a win. that's a huge win. What am I doing tomorrow? How many parties am I going to? Two and you'll hate both. No, three and I'll love them all or get tired and go home. Yeah. Okay It's a three party Saturday. All. I'm going to win with you, but I think miss each other because I'm doing Bristol Comedy Garden Lunch time. I'm doing the one PM show. Oh my goodness. Yeah, which I didn't realise it was a one So what time are you getting to Ben's? Well, I'll have to do the gig and then get the train straight to sort late late evening, I'd imagine. Okay You be at one of your other parties or in Bed Bll upite? Ben Partridge's birthday party. All beans will be in attendance, I would imagine. So yeah, and then going to a friend of a friend's birthday and then going to my friend Efa's birthday. Hi, Epha. Shout out to everyone at Domino Records, of course. So which So which one will you be in last Uh, E's birthday. So that's the when you be get grumpiest that and when there for the least amount of time is it starts at. Have you ever heard anything like that? She's She's in the music and I know. I know. No. So I just take drugs and sign. when should I take the cocaine Dave? Because I've not taken it before Just before bed, I would. Do you recush your teeth alone? A line just before bed? No, looking forward to one of those, Wh knows how it will go I know exactly how it will go. Yeah Your social battery will run out. Itally. So you'll be a bit of fun of the first one, less fun of the second one and no fun of the third one. happappy birthday b peers. Have you heard the phrase best audiob book of the yearar so far slash best nonfiction of the Year so far by Audible and Spotify respectively Uh not for thirst. Big time. Thirst. Big time. Wow, but who said that? Audible and Spotify What effici respectively? Yes. Re. Yeah O'n top of the pops. I here the ch. What is that an award or is it just in terms of sales? No lons? It's editorially sort of picked selections. Oh of the gr and good so that was nice. However, that was good because you found it very hard. Uh I'm trying. Get ready for the lost column, Dave found the first typo in my book I tell about that. I've read it twice I'd int Spot it. I've been through that book with thirty one fine toothcombs. Not a single problem.ever There was something of a time sensitive issue with the inner flaps. Not the inners It's the flaps. Oh, that's quite a big That's a big I on my flap. I didn't read your flaps It was enough flaps. It says I won the Edinburgh Comedy Award in twenty sixteen. It was a terrible show. And I didn't notice it because I've confused winning the award with when my life fell apart time Exactly. You know what? So the twenty sevent teeen show is about twenty sixteen. It through my headteen. That's not typo. It kind of. Well, it is because it was copy and pasted from a document that had it correct So somehow If You corrected the correct version. That could may have happened. People ask why that? Someone has. But it did take two months of it being out. Who spotted it? The winner of the twenty sixteen Edbury Comedy? know that? Who was it? twenty sixty I can't remember But anyway, yeah, so that will be taken care of for reprints and the paperback. Yeah, who's been fired. No one's been fired. Well George just fired himself really. Well, we can't there's no paper trail. Yeah. He's tried. Hes looks. My friends bought me a leatherm and to say thank you for taking them to the Alps and on the knife it's got engraved, We love you, John. and then I got so excited about it, I cut my finger What's a Netherman? We've been through We've been through thing that's like a Swiss arrmy knife. Yeah. Well, they say it's not though. That's the thing. You know, it's definitely in the same ballp. It's an adult Sot a lot It' an adult Swiss army knife. Ces off, brring over the Nheran. Don't give it to Johnny you can't be trusted with it clearly Yeah, so a grown up Swiss arrmy knife. It's in the form of pliers And they got me a really Yes, mine's like that's off And I cut myself straight away testing how sharp the knife was by slicing it across my thumat. Wh I was excited by the new knife dayate. BeCcause I never think the knives in these things are very sharp, but they are are they? You won't be able to work out how to get the knife out in a million years. Of course not. I't want to Um I saw a little mouse in the garden. U No, it's lovely. It lives under my shed. Okay, you're feeding it? No, just watching it go about its business. A not a win? A, huge. What if it comes in your house? Which you're going to, 'use I live in the countryside. I do? No might love. do that in the city? H becausecause there's more food in the houses than there is outside but a lovely little mouse. I'm back , you're doing stand upp again. Well, I compared my first gig in seven months. Where was that? Bristol Comedy Garden. Okay, I'm doing it on Sund Saturday. Was it allright? Yes. C you make sure that do you mention the fact standing together against domestic abuse are there with the tent and they're taking donations? Oh I will do. they're partnering with the comomedy Garden. My friend was there and said you mentioned me, I got a small cher. Yeah, you got a small chair. Yeah I can unlock. Yeah. one hasn't been, you know, soliced for're prepared for Yeah Just random sheers, I can cope with that I'll get a bigger cheer tomorrow and I hope I'm good. that company for eighteen years. That's a win in the sense that the gig went well, but a loss in the sense that I was anxious about it for three months. Yeah. you have Did you do much material? or was it complete viibetriics? It was I did some material I'd written in my head on the way. Okay how did that Okay. Oh, well done. Yeah. Bristol stuff No, um Well I don't want to. The problem is and this is not a problem. What a lovely problem to have. All my anecdotes are used on this show Yes, well, that's what I have to been stand it for eight years. So I have to create a Chinese wall between my stand up and you guys and this program. So you're not giving us your best stuff? Well, no, but this kind of We better be getting your bestuff. No no, no, this happens to me. All of the stories, I tell, especially in the first ten minutes of the last twelve years, would have at one time gone in stand up. But then I was them I was wasting them all on you and John and creating an audience of millions. So what you have to do is expand on ideas you've perhaps raised on the show. Do that I'm unwilling to do it. U I went to see twenty Oh no, I could just say What's eleverman? It's like a grown up sw army knife. There you go then. expand on it a bit sharp aren't there? Yeah, yeah then bring on the first act. I saw Twain at the oldld Church in Stoke Newington, which was great, but he didn't play my favourite song which I know he had played on the night before. The problem with them switching up the sets, Jar is the problem. Is it a hit? One of the most well known songs. I was sort of thinking about this. So he's not like a big act. Yeah. the venue is like sixty capacity. Yeahper. You are No, but he is a nightmare to Google Yeah, for that reason, I If you Google Twain musician. I have done. Yeah it's Mt Davidson Oh, how did you get not get to Shinaah? He's got He's got a firewall on Shinah to incomeent l Now he's's gotikipedia It's very minimal but he has got a Wiipedia page. He played this beautiful church, old church in Stoke, Newington And youah, the sunlight coming in through the stained glass, H and the guitar very intimate. Everyone sat on the floor. I managed to get a chair. Oh, o. So there only about five chairs. Everyone How did you get one of the five Because it must have been some people who needed them. I you just feel good? No bing people out the way. It's a woman with a sort of baby on board bad. she's like St up. No, so me and the person I was there with. so there were two chairs free separated by one guy in the middle And I think everyone else coming in had been couples and no one had had the sort of confidence to go, o, if you budge up one, we can sit together. So they'd all sat on the floor Whereas I was like, come on, Oh, can you and then we can and then we got the chairs So win, win win. but M. I was thinking this about like acts who aren't hugely well known. So you can't really say what's the hit I would imagine, I think maybe it's the should be the law that every musician has to play their five most played songs on Spotify of their s. Good rle. I agree. I hate it. I hate ting it and the band doesn't do one of If you harem is, you're waiting for it. Yeah. So in your head every time it's not your song, you're disappointed. Yeah. And if you have a favourite song with a B side, then you've got to takeick that on the chin, I think. But I think it' a single or if its well this is the thing when it's a very small scale act. they don't necessarily have singles. But if I were to look at his most played songs would it I'll go different provrovido. I'll go Apple music. Oh no, it's actually not one of his most played songs and he did play his most played. So you played Mama I feel like a woman It's still the one I one. But then I don't even know if those Sotify things are necessarily correct because they're not in played order. And you play that don't impress me, much What? Ser has looked bang on form supporting Harry Styles. I'd go and watch Sneyer's tw. She's got way moreute Absolutely. But I would recommend the album's rare feeling and newew Miami sound What's the song called that you are? The song is called Little Dog Mind Oh, it's low down on Apple. Is it what is it? I mean, I can't my fault. I can't even find. Oh right right down the bottom. Little dog mind rare feeling twenty seventeen Well, I think you've got to take that one on the chin a little bit. Yes, I think I do actually and I was glad of having the chair U So there we go. those Oh and the first episode of Don't Think So somehow which I listen to Three times. Yes, I listened to it as well is so able The final ten minutes is hysterical. Yeah. It's awards folder stuff. Yeah. Oh is it? So that's the new podcast from Alistair Green and Rachel Stubbings, which I. You know I'll honest played a part in bringing to the world they're very talented duel So good. So yeah, the final ten minutes I was on public transport and it was embarrassing how much I was laughing becausecause people then And if you've listened to it, you'll know the predicament I'm in. People kind of ask you what you're listening to you can't st Oh this comedian Ili has come up with an idea for a film. What' his idea? this were funny? Just well good old, good old comedy. goodbye. Oh this is my stop. I live And whating now. So what are the schools on the doors Day? That's a big win week for Johny Jay. like a win week. Farm shop Discovery. Yes. Triple party pandemonium. Good. First accoladade Leatherman inscriptions. Yeah. R my Sharpieies, this is the best Sharpie you've ever provided for me, Michael. And it's gold and it's gold And it's a golden week for John. Thank you John's comedy comeback, Twain in Stokey, firstirst ep of Don't Think So somehow the brand new podcast from Alice to Green, and Rachel Stubbings. One, two, three, four, fivesute seven Seven winds. good stuff. justust the three losses which are typo on the inner flaps Leather and Lacerations. nice You're getting very confident with this,? It's nice to see you expressing yourself. And little dogmind couldn't think inter right' little dog mind with a cross next to it. I played it in my mind and then I played the video a thirty second video a friend took at the previous night's show a bit four or five times and pretended I was there. Yeah. Well Interesting you say that because we hunt criticizing you in the emails, John Pour your stunts on Memory. Are they mad or unwell? John Get a grip and go to the festival. I'm currently living vicariously through my parents as I, thirty four, deep in the quagmire of toddlers and work Wistfully look on at them living their best lives. I think about this all the time. I do What are the in laws doing? buy a camper van hitting the open road across Europe seeing where the wind takes them Welcome to Sheffield Trum Lin Festival Edbah Fringe, basasically endndless Hedonism Meanwhile, my dad, sixty three recently divorced has met a lovely new lass on Bumble, off the out of Latitude, a weekend in the Malfi Coast U Rya and Oliver Dean at Weembley. it's their suummer of love. Olivia Dean What did I say? Oliver Dean. Oh, sorry sounds like he does your taxes. And Olivia Dinan at Weembley,s sorry, mister It's their simar of love. I honestly can't wait to be sixteen doing the same. The best is yet to come. takeake care of Rshine. You also you got a thing? John. best But that's not what I was saying. That's not my. Well yeah, you do want to go to a festival in case it filled your brain up with new memories. Yeah Absolutely Whatz at toude? Well, hang on, this is in defence. by Roland, AKA Roland. B Bzy Yeah R.'t say Roland He's. Hi Ellis, John and the team, I'm writing to offer a formal passionate defence of John. I get passionate defensces. Yeah Yeah John you recently stated that you didn't go want to go back to Rading Festiv, wasn't reding's end of the road, because you already have enough memories of it. A perfectly logical piece of emotional boundary setting. Get a grip Rand I felt was willfully misinterpreted by Ellis. Get a grip, Roland again. You accused of willful misinterpretation. Jhn You are one hundred percent correct You can reach capacity on festival memories and trying to top them up in middle aange in middle age is a dangerous game It's dangerous. It tase you and himself. Yeah If I cast my mind back to Leeds Festival around the year two thousand, I was seventeen years old and had the absolute best time of my life. My survival strategy for the entire weekend was to barely eat, barely sleep, and sustain myself exclusively on a diet of warm, strongbow and fags. Yes. I snogged a girl wearing a spiky dog collar. G in Get in Rand. I spent an hour pressed up against a deeply sweaty stranger, slowly inching my hand closer to the front barrier during the blue tone set just to secure a prime vantage point for the fooze. Yes. In what, I considered the ultimate display of anti establishment defiance, my mate and I skipped Oasis on the mainstage to sit by our tent smoking roller. Right The Rulland's out. He's out. He's done. he's gone in Pasis. Every single one of those sentences represents a waking nightmare to forty three year old me But I am incredibly proud of that seventeen year old. He saved up his dishwashing money, he braved the elements, and he had the most visceral, unfiltered, youthful festival experience possible. If I were to go back to a festival like that now at forty three, I feel like I'd be actively insulting that boy. What is this guy on the boat? I wouldn't be arriving on a packed, sweaty shuttle bus, I'd be rocking up in an air conditioned VW toran. That's fine I wouldn't be getting crushed at the front for a glimpse of Dave Grohll, I'd be standing at the very back where the sound parity is better. Yeah Wearing high fidelity gig gear plugs, sipping a non alcoholic drink and commenting on how nice the sunshine. That's all f. good. Sounds absolutely delightful. I'll leave his memories untarnished and let him mosh, dance and sleep in rain soaped trousers Because no matter how much mud he has to scrape off his shins, he can guarantee to enjoy it a million times more than I ever could today. Keep up the great work RandK Roland. The thingang life changes. I went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. It was very different If I'd gone on holiday when I was eighteen, Ree ninety nine, Ree ninety nine was a very I went to a phone party. Yes. Well also Portugal twenty twenty six. I was there with my kids and I played Badmonton for a bit. Well was They were both great. Rolander Roland is not or that's also not the reason I don't want to go. I' not I don't want to the reason I don't want to go isn't because I won't have a nice time isn't because I want to have a different time than I did when I was seventeen, which I'm sure I would. The reason I don't want to go is if I add another festival age into my memories, it will make me feel older because I'll have more to go through. But you are getting older anyway and aging is a privilege. I don't if that was the point I was making. Create new memories. I don't think I' go to Leeds at this age. God know. So there's a choice to be made there, what type of festival you go to as well. Beause that's not a rollland kind of Roland kind of brushes over that a bit is that you don't have to go back to Leeds, which is a young person's game. but I did stand up at all the festivals. When I stopped doing Edinburgh, my summers were free. So I was I did stand up at all the festivals the first couple years afterwards just because it was it was a gig and was something to do and I would have been, you know thirty five and when you do the V Festival Chamsford, it is a different It's a different beast. Yeah and reading and leads, etcer. So the lineups I want to see at end of the road are on Thursday and Friday, Dave No And I was wondering if I could wangle it so that I can just drive to the the edge of the first. Okay, few G go in see the bands I want to see, which is Geese and Darl Johns car come home. Drive to the edge of the f So you're not going in? Well, no, I'll drive I'll park up. I won't drive my car into the main arena. No, but you're paying for a ticket. Yeah. Well, you're sold out, so I get a wangle on. You know what you could do? you could park in artists parking like if you were doing a gig there C' performing there. No, but you'd need a favour from the inside, wouldn't you Yeah, how are we recording our podcast that week? I can put you on Apple CarPlay. Oh, that's another one for the lost column. says the updated the IiOS on my phone. Apple CarPager says phone not responding Oh yeah, we are about ten minutes also Doody thing You know when you used to have lots of tabs open on your phone? You slide up and then along to sort of scroll through them Yeah. Yeah. historical question. Sorry, I was writing. So you've got multiple tabs open on your phone, right? and you go up and scroll through them. They've just fiddled with it slightly to make it a bit annoying. Yes, it's worse now. Who does that? Yeah have they done? I've not know. No, when you' got multiple tabs open and you I'm opening that Yeah. So there used to be a little line at the bottom. that happens. Yeah, and it it's harder to clause things as well. and Wh at Apple, if you're listening, goes right The way that people have been scrolling through tabs for ten years not good enough. Let's just make it a tiny unresponsive so that you lose all the tabs. What is that? Why do they have to do? the The new National Rail app is way harder to use than it used to be. So if you listen to National Rail, thanks. Also there's now like forty app updates every day because people are clearly trying to get their head around this new operating system works and I don't like it changes. No, you don't. But we are, you know, open for sponsorship of course, if Apple are en game. Yeah. I mean, that would be an enormous turn off the books Well I do use their products. I use that. I like their products, which makes it frustrating when their products change to be annoyal. Yes. And not all of products of anyone are perfect, arere they so you know Don't worry, Dave, he's got this. I L I haven't got a I haven't got a. W's closed, down we go. I ha' got a BBC computer like a or u Windows What are you doing? Trying to think of Like I don't own a Google computer, but I would get sponsored by them. Yeah they actually are probably more in the market for sponsorships than now. And I use them all the time Yeah What's the name of your Google computer? I don't have I don't have one, but would love one. Yeah, but I haven't got one yet Okay. I'm up for my joint birthday Christmas presents my birthday iss in November. Oh, that's nice. D thatt way yeah. We'd have more time to prep the hosteries for this sort of thing. Yeah Yeah, we're quite good at those. And I like Microsoftpl what you might currently be thinking. I I like Microsoft on Hua Weei. There you go. Yeah Do talk to us Good stuff. We had a great email about reacting to new music because I think last week we suggested that it's impossible to enjoy a song when someone is playing youit for the first time. Yeah. This is from Taylor. Taylor says, Hi guys, in a recent episode, you all agreed passionately that one of the worst things on Eth is being forced to listen to someone's music whilst they sit and there and watch your reaction I wholeheartedly agree and would like to submit exhibit A Ten years ago, I met my now fiance. We fell in love very quickly. A few weeks into dating, he announced that he'd written a song about me In context, I'm notoriously bad at reacting to things. When someone gives me a gift, I'm focused less on the thoughtful gesture and more on what I should be doing with my face to convey appreciation When my parents tell me they love me, I'm worrying about how to look genuine when I say I love them back. It's a problem. On the day in question, we are about to go kayaking on the Hudson River. O Romantic, carefree, the early days of love. That's probably what will happen with me and Charl' they' on. Yeah. Just before we reached the dock, he sat me down on the grass, placed headphones on my head, positioned himself directly opposite me, knee to knee, and told me to listen while he watched. The confidence he's exhibiting here is colossal and I would say and relatable I don't get it. No. Imagine you sat Izzy down. done memory lan, lan, lane on. Lve that would love their knee to knee holding hands with her. Yeah Um For the duration of the song, I had absolutely no idea what to do with my face, so I did what comes naturally. I froze and produced something that could be best described as a grimace Unfortunately, he interpreted this as she hates it A substantial argument followed, He was wounded, and he never wrote me a song again win win Yeah Fast forward ten years, and I still occasionally hear about the time I hated the beautiful song he wrote for me, despite the fact that I absolutely loved it Everything worked out in the end. We're getting married in a couple of months, but I'd be grateful if you'd help settle the score once and for all Surely being forced to react in real time to someone's original music is already an impossible social situation And surely having to do so when the song is about you is the final boss of impossible social situations Please confirm that I never stood a chance and that no human being could have delivered a better reaction under those circumstances. Love the pod, Taylor I have such Epath for Taylor I am not a sitch. one hundred percent on Taylors side. No it's open and shut as far as I'm concerned even if He'd been saying, Oh, there's this song by Twain Yeah Right? This artist you haven't heard of, and it's my favorite song. I'm going to put it on your headphones and while you listen, I'm going to watch you need to need for your reaction. Impossible. No even if it's his best song. Known as the Macca because that's what PaulcCartney did last week, basically. He played his album and then watched M list to it. He's the exception to the rule. one person I would to do the right face in this Very special set of circumstances. Charlie's the Ron If you wrote her a song And then need toly and said,, please listen to this I've written this is about you. Robin plays guitar on it. we've had it produced. It's taken me days. I love you so much I would put money that she could o. Oh J, she's act She's not She'southfrican J John, no I love it. I love you. I love it I used to listen to music like this back him when I lived in Orange Freeestate I'd rather you had a rhymed theon with song. nothing on. that was a little bit rude. but I likek the bit where you talked about your love for my work and also much I li I liked that yeah I like that you referenceced my charity work. Alllice what? No John, why did you rhyme love with glove I ha I haven't got a pair of gloves Yeah, yeah. So there you go. But no, I think if you're gonna to give someone like whether it's a poem or a short story or a song, it has to be in advance. They have to be on their own. Two years in advance And you have to leave the country.. So they can read it and reread it to come up with something they like about it. They can get the melody in their head or also they can call on their support network and say, this guy's just sent me a song. What do I do? So what do I say? You write the song And you say, I will be giving you a gift August first. Yes. Where will you be On august first I will be in Mali And then six months listening to incredible chora music. Yeah. really. the home of chora music. And then I will text you in six months. Yeah ut put this on hold. Should we and Ellice write songs about each other Dave? Well, funnily enough Yes, that'll be nice There is a made there's a made up game we think they're doing which is similar to that. actually. But yes, that'd be a lot of fun. What we go to Marley. No make an old. We love go and listen to chora music in Marley. Yeah Absolutely. Well, well, just on that What was the jingle that you sang? the long one that you did last week out? Oh I can't remember that one. I can remember the word I mean, I'd have to I'd need the words, which I could get. I'd write my interest on a emails as a draft But I can remember the, I mean tune that I sing all of the time. that's Absolutely locked in, Dave. I live my life with Alice and John My lunch with the podcast on As an emails better metad. Did didn't get red out. There must have been bad Hello everyone, Elliceonnx If he doesn't, a mental health is wrecked. Tell me this more, said Dave there's more out applied. I'll live my life with Alis and John I feel so alive when the podcast is on So that was Ellis's song from last week. It doesn't scatter. He two songs last week? He did because he's got the memory light, the big hit. Yeah. mean I think that's the big hit in the house. Yeah. The art was written especially for the intro. The advantage with Ellis's songs.. the reason listening to them for the first time isn't awkward is because they're so catchy. They are They are, but they are. They are We sing constantly around the house. That's constantly and the kids do it as well. It'ser very funny. So I live my life with Ellison John one which I li with Ellison John. Yeah Yeahah yeah. That one, which premiered last week We asked our new friends, Skinwigs to maybe just reversion that that dled And it's gone off in quite an interesting it's gone off in quite a unique direction So we can allist into this and enjoy I suppose a slight I think it's clusteders an R and B version of the Jingles. Sam Yeah Sam from Skinws, who's very musically talented I' given it a go, justzure it up and bring it to life a bit. and it's a little rude Alice and John, I have my lunch with the podcast on Salmon Pacend emails about a bad d G how there must have been Love it when Alice connects. If it doesn't, a mentor health is rightgged Tell me this. I don't want to play these games. I live my life with Alice and John. I'm very so alive when the podcam is on. Enjoy it while it lasts. when I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm gonna die with the phona when my parents are home. Wh his pares So He's takaking in his own little direction. Oh my go. but it's good. That's very funny. It's And our new theme tune. I don't know because it's quite rude.e Is there an F word early Dor? This might have been an F word. I mean, this is genuine. We can get to remix it. I've never had one of my songs covered before. Oh ye So it's actually a really weird experience. Yeah. So to bring it back to Paul McCartney. yesterday's been covered like three and a half thousand times. but you've got no control over that. What you do? you have to sign it off, don't you? How does covering work? Be obviously you're getting paid a bit. Yeah. I think if they're released, obviously you could just do them live. Yes. And do you have to pay to do them live? Well, there be must be a PRS fe in there. Rad Rraiden said, have you listen to all three enough those? he said, I've listen to like the first ten That's a great question. But cant I can't listen to three was a different professor yesterday. So But I've never, unlike you know a musician like Pomm Cartve never had my work covered before. That was a very odd experience becausecause his is definitely better than mine. Well, he's good, yeah. It's a different mood. It's a very different mood. It was a hip hop version, not R and B. sorry. A mood I don't think I could convey properly actually Hm Thank you, Sam. Do check out Skinwigs. F fantastic podcast. Very funny. Now are we gonna to speak to Adrian, Dave. Yeah to speak to Adrian We'd love to see as many people as possible who maybe were there in Sevillil remember the topeo when it happened Thank you very much indeed, both of you. Lvely talking to you, cheers aret Jake Thank you. Thank you very much, Artument. Thanks very much. And James Lon. thanks very much, indeed It's called the To poke lookook out for it at Edinburgh later this later this summer Ellison John Join us I haven't heard the word The expression to pooke for agge is maybe because I'm a grown up and I don't play football in playgrounds anymore. Is it of yesterar? Do kids still accuse each other of to pooke? No, it's still aroundant I mean, I played football on Tuesday and got accused of a to pooke. Did you really? And were you guilty? Yeah, well, some of the top players do it deliberately. Because it can make a ball going in quite unpredictable directions. What did you say for a bicycle kick? Did you say bicy or a bikey U I think we did the full thing. I think I think we said bicycle kick. I'm not sure anybody attempted one I certainly did. No it wasn't a bike. No. it was definitely wasn't that. Okay. Who was definitely player to do a bicycle kick That is a good question. that is a good question. I ha't got an answer for you there. No because I've seen footage of Tid been a cryif ten years before you uncryiff Well the big accusation when I played football at school was goal hanging. Yeah because it's impossible for us to implement the offside. Yeah. So you would be a oh our producer has just done some research The first recognized player to execute the Tpe the bicycle kick was Chileian basque player Ramon Unzaga Oh course. fourourteen. Yes. fourourteen Yeah Wes Charlie from South London. says whyy is calling a toe pooke a goal of toe pooke so egregious? Many of your listeners hate the intrusion of football into everything, but please don't assume everyone knows the facle technicalities I'm sorry Charlie, I didn't mean to offend you. I mean to pooke Why is it egregious? it's a way of making the ball quicker, but but without any control. So it generally guarded as a bit chey. That would be about right.it. I mean, come on, it would be a great tactic for a penalty. And regard I don't know where he's going. And it' regarded as' sophisticated Yeah Okay, but that's football' such a sophisticated sport. But it is though. It's not Well, then how come Managers will when Belsa when Pep Guardula went to visit Belsa, they talked tactics for twelve hours and an eat. You know what? I mind how a goal goes in. If you watch foot football from the seventies and eighties, you wouldn't say it was a sophisticated game. You'd say it was playing on a quogmire and trying to get the ball in. I'll have to let you crack on with this discussion. Maybe take it into the w most creative players in the you case. Be that's where the grass was. That's where ten Interesting Inting and popular Well we'll have to move on. loveove you both Love you both So Adrian there having a lovely little chat with us, but it's time to give you your final warning. Oh yes. If you would like to get early access tickets to Ellis James, Pressure is a privilege live at the Royal Albert Hall, then you need that with John and Dave. With John and Dave. We'll do a little bit Oh yeah. I'll do a bit of local. postman Dave will come out. Yeah, he'll do a couple of characters Yeah and then it's into the meet But you need to sign up at the Patreon which is patreon dot com for slash Ellison John for the pre saale. And then after if there are tickets left they go on sale to the General pop on the twenty sixth of June. Yeah, so pre saale begins via Patreon on Wednesday the twenty fourth of june, twenty twenty six at ten AM Yes, and I gig is on the twenty fourth of March And you're still feeling good about it, still you're still happy? Yeah You say you're going to wrecky the venue next week, mate? I'm going to cycle to the venue to look at it, yeah. Are you going to give us some behind the scenes? I will give some behind the scenes footage and I've got a little thing on my hand means I can film as I cycle as well. That's ra thought. There were a bit of behind the scenes content for your Patreon. Because there is some eye climbing behind the scenes content on the Patreon. There is, which was a superb job by Jenny. That went done very well V's Very funny when Robins says, is it just looking at it though? Yeah So that's some clips of me on my holiday to the Alps. Yeah with my pals who bought me a penknife that says we love you, John on it or that I cut myself with. which is perhaps a metaphor. Yeah no, it wasn't a symbolic cutting, was it No No. The knife that professes its love for you doth cut you closest to the heart. potentially. Yeah I do sign up to the Patreons. Shakespeare did cover all bases. Got Adventures apps there, it's ad free and there's full visuals as well, isn't there? and pre sales to big roal Albert hall shows. Yeah. Big stuff, big stuff. Big stuff. It's almost time for bye by bye bye bye bye from us. Any other thoughts and feelings me Well, I'm still waiting for the outcome of Gravelgate How are you? was this Oh no, this was two nights ago. Yeah, but if you if you not have the outcome follow it Yes. Oh, that's insane. Yeah is were they chunky chunks Yeah, yeah., how' you know you've got working for the outcome, you shifting? No I shifting through. Oh I've just, you know, I was hoping I just don't explode or die. What is? It's just Max Mexican stones. Oh G and swwansea gravel. Yeah yeah, they're all right. they're fine. Yeah ye yeah they are bird. I thought you meant the band. Yeah. Yeah. No By Grovel. Yeah, yeah birdsy grovel Hels with their digestion. Foxes e all sorts of stuff. A, foxes are mad. Yeah phw there's a little baby fox in our garden at the moment. And it just potters across the back garden.'s so cute. little head but on his own Justust chilling. Well, there's probably a fox nest nearby. There'll be a mum nearby, definitely. Maybe under a shed sh, but I think it's in the g no g I shed. Well we got to lean to What's that? A nightmare, we've got a lean t. You know, we like our lean ton. I hate my lean ton. Wh does it le Let's just ye. But we've had our specifically built in recent years. was quite one of the best What didid you inherit your land? We inherited it our. Get rid of it, Lim. We are currently in the getting rid of it. What are you going to replace it with? There will be a shed eventually, but we're going to lose some valuable garden space, which is frustrating. byy erecting the shed. Yeah. So the Lan was on the side of the house and I hate it. and it was I't say who was made by But it was made using all bits of decking and that's true. Oh really? Yeah U ye, you should get a shed, Dave. you feel like a shed guy. We don't need a shed. We've got a lean to that we do like and we're fine. And what do you keep in there? like your lawn mower and stuff? We don't need a lawn mower, but we've got ' you eat the grass I've got a little Dave's DIY bit, which Hannah hates. She's like, Why did you get this? You've not done one bit of DIY apart from the stuff that in fact, you're banned from DIY. There was a really nice email actually. Maybe we could end on this about lathes, which really made me laugh. I would love a garage. I would kill for a garage. We should have thought that when you were choosing your house? It was because It was hard to get house to our specs, and we had to give up on the gar. You had to give up on the garage. Yes. This is from Gemma. and Gemma says, Hello, Ellis John and Dave, longime listener, first time emailer. I'm emailing in regard to all the recent Latathhe chat, predominantly on behalf of my boyfriend Ben agge thirty, who uses his Lathe on a weekly basis He uses it to solve any manner of problems from making a small metal thing to fix an issue in his car to making a small metal thing to fix an issue in his motorbike The thought of not being able to just make a small metal thing at home on an evening is nearly impossible to him And I'm so very grateful he has recently opted to store his lathe somewhere else short term in order for us to move in together, as we struggle to find somewhere with a garage to accommodate his lathing urges. Garages are hard to come by In general, lathe making in a partner is a huge green flag, as Ben has also whipped me up some of the sweetest metal cylindrical gifts over the years, including a fountain pen, a mechanical pencil, three clickly pens s recently and ambitiously a full working mocker pot No, I mean, the pens are impressive. How' you put? It's a pen. It's such a I love them all of the gifts and pens Aside from the mocker pot Thanks for all the pods Gemm. I would love to be a laathe guy But it's just never gonna to happen. It would be mad for me to they were mad.uch a green flag though. A huge green flag. This should be a dating app for lathe guys. Yeah Love him or Lhe him ring the bell. gototta ring the bell as we bow out for an episode. That's good. Well ye that was strong actually, John. Yeah, yeah