Heatwave Survival and Spider Fears

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon d. com slash Ellison John. Well, there's no escaping the fact that today we're starting with a trailer for a new film. comoming soon in cinemas this summer. Listen, John, Jupiter Rising Well, Prime Minister, it's very kind of you to go to all this trouble. Robins, it's the least I could do. Your skill and discretion have saved the goovernment, and I have no doubt in my mind when I say this, The country too. Prime Minister, please, I was just doing my duty What I don't understand is how you managed to solve the mystery and trap the criminals whilst winning five gold medals in the Handsomeness Olympics and hosting international mega geneniuses At a cleverness convention. Well, everyone has their skill sets, sir. Yours are diplomacy, delegation and if I may say, a bloody good sense of intuition. Mine just happened to be handsomeness, cleverness and crime fighting. I'm powerlifting and kissing. Thank you, Paorkins The way you kiss that girl that's top a big ben with a head of the crime gang dressed up like a kipp, Well, I've never seen a likes sir. That will be all pokey. Robins, if I may be so bold, why do you take this He gave us these two seconds before the bumbage just intro styied. I wouldn't have minded reading this Robins, if I may be so bold, why dod you take this dunderhead with you everywhere? He does give off an awful pk Haorkins, he has his uses, he is strong a thigh and bigger bum. He has surprising stamina in a pinch, and his simple mind is a very useful sounding board when my brain is overrun with calculations and plans. Think of him as a blank canvas, on which I paint my masterpiece. Yes, this is the Prime Minister Yes, it is he? Switching to a secure line What is it What When Yes, I have him here. Hold the line. Robins. It's Alpha Base. Alpha base, Ganymeade, six hundred twenty eight million kilometers from Eth. fourteen infinitum mines, six processing plants, population four thousandteen hundred operatives. The last strategic base The last strategic base before the Balkam quQuadrant and the largest on Jupiter's moons, Robins It's fallen. What's going on? What's all this talk of bases in Jupitter? Robins, can you help? the Jupiter Moon bases. Porky, there's something you should know about me It's not just here on eararth as I fight crime I'm a space cop. And'm not just any space cop. Robins, it's time Porky knows the truth. Put on your ribbed leather jacket, cool wrap around shade and digital watch. Pork. This man is the best space cop in the Milky Way. His name is legend from Proxima Centuri to B B's Betlegeice His name is Legend from Proximus Sentchori to Beteljuuse, and the universe has never needed him more. Prime Minister, there's only one choice. It's time to reopen Operation Black O' Megafce A plus elite. But it's too dangerous, Robins The man who walked into your office this morning was called Robins The man who walks out is switch bllade. Right, two questions. just the two? Well, I've got one observation and a question. observation we ran out of the space music which was such a long straight script And I met a bloke at the chimney other day. and he said, What do you do for an event? I do a podcast run. We're actually on five live on a Friday. And I said, I'll be in the car. I have toisten. what' he going to make of this? Well he's going to be like, when can I see this film? Yeah There's intrigue, there's mystery. there's kissing. I just don't think It's the best introduction to what we do. But that's I can't keep introducing people to what we do. They've been doing it for twelve years. There comes a point when they just have to be on board. Well, you've just got to write a Space Cup film What hes solved a mystery. It starts with the end of the mystery being solved. Yes Greg scripture there's a bigger mystery. All right then. oK, well, I'll write a film next. N next week Great. Hawkins writes his own film That he's got to watch Paorkins's tale like what's some miserable gritty drama. Yeah. They want Robins, they want swwitch bllades. They want Jupiter. It's going to be kitchen sink. Porkins' drama iss going to be kitchen sink. It's going to be a taste of honey but sadder and set in radio Okay, mayaybe, I don't know, don't hold me to that like you'd be like Joey the spinoff to friends. Is that what Pakins is? What underrated I rated in a bit of a hospital pass for the Ryers Wh's Pakins then, is he that York side kid? Yeah, yeah, he's like a sort of henchman. Yeah I was the primate I play here henchman. I good hand off my range Okay, and you walk off a swwitch Blade. So there's a secret? I mean, you've left it open. Well, that's the trailer. Yeah, of course. That's the start Switch Blade and porky in space. Yeah. A lot of your filmmic references are like to blockbusters. Yeah ye. And like sci fi stuff. Do you read a lot of like Philip Kate D? Not at all. And that's the great thing about sci fi. It's so easy to use you know, it's ribbed leather jacket, wrap around shades and a digital watch. Yeah That's a space cuop. Because you often when you have to improvise you end Go at ticken as withvalthur C. Clark. Never heard of him. Direction. Interesting. Yeah. So yeah, that is the trailer to Jupiter Rising, the first film in the Ellison John franchise. It is also a good title for that kind of stuff. Thank you. And what is it? Netflix, BBC, Ilay across everything. All of them Yeah, like Live Aid. It's the first Apple in the world. This is the Amazon Prime Netflix I player ITV hub. or have the channel for one it iss called. Dave, the budget is a hundred billion dollars, a portion of which goes to charity. I don' never know whether a hundred billion's big anymore. It is big. a hundred billion billion.Quite a lot for You get a lot you get a good bang for your book for that. Yeah, but I tell you one thing and the director gets what they want. It I also direct Yeah. Okay. and I would went Eastward of sci fi. Big time. G. Annoyingly, I think This is how I feel about John as director. He'd actually be a very good director for about two hours of the day and they are long days. So a normal shoot day for like it'd be on camera late And you to stop shooting at seven PM And you obviously you've got to know what you're doing and you've got to prep for the following days. So they're long days for directors and that's what I think would hold you back. I reckon between On a Wednesday night prison Oh, like three till four thirty Okay, I reckon eleven until one, he'd be quite good. I'll put lunch in there and I do sometimes get very depressed after eating. Okay, eleven until midday'd be quite good. That's the golden hour. That'ust when you do your big scene. Bring me problems between eleven and twelve or when I'm eating a brownie but not too long afterwards. Yeah. And what would be your approach as director Are you kind of armor around the shoulder? you know, you're their mate. Or are you like the silent kind of, you know they're a bit scared are here? Yeah, I'm distant. Yes. I've got my own Winnebago with shower, aircon and lots of diet Cokes. Yeah And Charlie's Thamza. When I walk on, quite burpy on set. Yeah When I walk on set, there are certain rules. Yeah Um you know, everyone stands Yeah, unless they're sitting in the scene. And people aren't allowed to turn around when they walk away from you, like with the quQeen. Yeah, they got to walk backwards. got to walk backwards. Yeah. So there's an awful lot of like, look out. There's a camera here. Yeah it's is everywhere. Yeah and you will not walk downstairs. You have to kind of be carried down the stairs. But petals everywhere. That would then when I turn on the warmth best out of my actors. Yeah,. So there you go. Good stuff. Well, that's one tease for something that's coming. There is no that we need to pay off another te coming, Dave. It is coming. is this July? You were part You' acting in it. You're in the film, Alice. Sorry, canan you call it acting if you're reading it for the first time, I suppose site reading? This's a site read.. It's a chemistry test. Yeah. Dave's got the part. Thanks, John . You know, we might see a couple of other people for Porkins. Yeah What sort of people then? Ivo would do a good porkins I think Ivo sounds too posushh. Shy Robinson Yeah. Yeah, Tony Robinson but thirty years ago for Pawkins. Yeah. yeah, that sort of thing Okay Lloyd Griffith He Yeahkin a good pulkin. good pkins. U You teased ahead, you did a share driver on Fridayss app of something that wasn't going to make it into John Winds again. sounds like something that protects your hard drive from your wife. What's a share drive? How do I get one? It it's annoying radio lingo. I don't actually know what it means I need to stop saying it. Yeah. You did you said on Friday, I'm going to save this for Tuesday's app. This this won't go in John Wins. It was a win you can't remember No I can was a John Wins against school draw. someber worse you don't know if it's a win or a loss. Well, it's my major anecdote from the week, but it is Well, my major anecdote was eating gravel. so let's yours. Okay Have you ever given yourself a mind STD Yes loads Well now I don't know. tell me more and it stings when I think. Exactly, Eactly. That's at the heart of all human suffering. It stings when I think. Yeah my week has been Otaken by the fact I gave myself a mind STD. Okay Why are you k that face? Becauseuse what's that mean? It learning. So I was in bed on Be Esther's done for sexually, doesn't it? Big time And this is you still want it to be called does the T stand for? Transmitted. And the D? Disease. and you can't spell d stigmatize without STD No So come on then. I was in bed on Monday And I thought it was about eleven o'clock and I thought I enaging in some promiscuous myose sex and unprotected. I thought I need another bloody Wi What It's a bloody forty four I. I've done three weeis already tonight. So I got a b and did my W and I thought that's quite a small W. Never mind, that's just what life is like at this age. You say no this out loud? Well, pretty muchah why not? Why not Then I get to bed and think,h's spit We've stang a bit Okay this just sounds like an STD. This is job ye F blooming weeays before bed and it stings a bit he go, that's what life's like, isn't it mind? You know what I just have a little google, my ble in mind. is again. I'll have a little Google at half eleven I'm in hell. I'm Googling and I'm in Hell. Don't Google. It' had an unprotected think So I enter into a panic sphere. Yeah, whichich is sort of one of the biggest panic spheres of recent months. Um And I was like, well, you've obviously this is because I'm, you know, I'm very conscientious in my private life and, you know, ye how about Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. If you ponder, you rubber up. Yeah, yeah, big time. I like to protect my thoughts. Underood. Ustood. So I get in a big panic, my heart starts racing, I'm googling clinics. I'm thinking how could this have happened I'm catastrophizing. Yes. Wh is DefCon one So I think, well, you know, I'm an adult, I need to get this sorted. So I'm Googling options. Obviously, I want the closest, most discrete and quickest Yeah. That turns out to be very expensive the next appointment remind STD. Well, the two days time is the appointment. you got to go that, then you get two days till you get your results. I'm in a state of high stress for four days. Yeah Anyway, it turns out it was just a mind STD because completely clear on everything And best guess is it's due to a recent change in my body wash A yeah yeah because I've always used a fragrance free body wash And recently I thought I'd treat myself to some watermelon scented bash. And that's created a stinging sensation, which I'm reassured will pass by both GP and Chat GPT It cost me five hundred and twenty quid to find that outTD. My goodness, me. So you've been washing your bits with watermelon And now your bit stings so much you gave yourself a mind SD. Yeah, I gave myself an STD of the mindes. Oh, dear, dear, dear good news, it's not, you know, good new is not anything serious. Okay. Here's how to cheer me up Who on this podcast knows for a fact they don't have gorrhea Yeah, you abbsute. two hundredound. C I grab my hand? For a fact, dave? I damn it. Who at this table knows for a fact, they don't have syphilis Yeah, On me. I can't put mand I can't put'. I can't putand up Re Clamidia. We are riddled So obviously M exactly the right thing to do You know, being a conscientious adult And no shame in this house but it was all an invention of my mind. So you would have A more cost effective way would have been to wait until the next morning and go to your local STI clinic. They also don't call them STDs anymore. That's very nineties or Sies now But that would have been going into London in disguise Is't there must be one in your local town or near No there's not. Is there not? No Okay, and you can't get them done at your GP surgery In my case, I don't know what your GP surgery is like, you brackets, general public. So did you have did you have to go through the full procedure though As in it's just a we test. Yeah, yeah, ye they haven't done that procedure since the Second World War Dave They are there anyybody out. No, no, I think it's rare these days. How is it? I lose that yeah Yeah, a bit of fun that one.comfortable. But it was extremely stressful four days because I still had the symptoms that I thought were the Be you was still using the watermen and body wash pr. Well, exactly. And also if you irritate sensitive areas, it doesn't just clear up immediately. It takes a while to sort of chill out. So how are you at the moment? Fine, but the problem, here's the problem I say to you, ennough times do you have a headache Do you have a headache? Check, Re think about your head. Eventually you'll feel like you've got a headache So once you're like really concentrating, especially on such a sensitive part of your body, going, did that last wasasting?. I think it would also I suppose it could have just been dehydrated. There's two things going on here because you were weing more often than you do because you are Camel comedian Ive John he's maybe two a weeak. I't see anything they like him. Well the guy doesn't Dhydration could have been an issue. So the more the weing more than usual is a symptom as is the stinging, which was caused by watermelons. Caused by watermelons and potentially l friend dehydration. because if you dehydated your wh stings a bit Yeah, ye But you're okay. I'm absolutely fine. but I justving complete mad week of stress, purely an invention of my own mind There' got to be a Be meiumsn' they between the catastrophizer. and the person who just doesn't care and doesn't think about it and doesn't tellice and it doesn't get anything checked. This is exactly what I was talking about with my therapist It's called Uma middle way Tast, isn't it? No. mommy Uoma Smon? Yes. Named after Buddhist phrase for the middle way. because her dad was quite a famous Buddhist practitioner. All right, o, another. So it's between over attachment like going mad compleomplete non attachment, I don't care is the middle way. Because also, I mean, to be serious for a second A lot of people men especially don't check stuff out and then it's too later. Yeah. So you don't want to be too middleway. You want to veer towards over attachment. comes in this situation? Do you want to be responsible Um, but yeah, I I The only way I could get myself to sleep was by repeating, mind is thinking, mind is catastrophizing Mind is panicking. mind is planning, mind is rehearsing. mind is. Yeah, it did actually. Yeah, I do it once with every breath See where your mind goes in the middle Anyway, it's been an adventure. It it was also adventures were the kids. We should have done it as a Patreon special. Oh my goodness. f sh. I mean I mean I'm not saying it won't happen eventually. out of ideas. It's the furthest behind the scenes any podcast has ever gone. threeree of us could go in and get an SDI check. And then we could do in a two part and then the results could be the clifffanger. my God. It'd all have be given envelopes to all Its does response time broad kind of next week. It's very responsible. Dave We could get sponsored by Booper What's your Yes. What's your ex? Hh N'm not going to name them. sounds a little bit like we're doing a health podcast No we are. M my idea. It comes full circle. Health a sexual health a sexual health podcast?ot a bad idea, Dave, but that they can't die. Well, that's more specific than a health podcast. Sexual health is health? Yeah. Yeah it is. That have been one of your episodes for your more gener.ly. then we chuck a bit of sun creream in there and, you know headaches. Okay d. I su creream Suncream. bad fe. Sexual health I I ache upp. Yeah. We're back here and falling off. There we go. wall up wall up, wall up what was because of that? This b bs. Great. So we'll do an adventures app on sexual help. whereere we all get STD checks. We also get STD checks. Yeah ciu We all get STDs. But ye follow us for a week.. But we're given twenty four hours to give ourselves an STI. Race There race to it Yeah. U I's all content. But you know, thankfully you're all right. Youot it ye G never been better. Never been better. Lovely. Also like taking the kid to the doctor a couple of times when there's been nothing wrong with them And they never the doctors never mind. because they want you to be well. Oh yeah. They do want to say, Ohh nice one. you're really ill. Great. I get to do a bit of work. They're like good no Actually it's fine. I know also, you know, in this area there's never is there's there's never a bad time to get an STD check. No, abbssutely not no. A I mean, maybe not on your wedding day. I mean doing an exam. But there's never a bad thing to do. No No, no it's good. You could walk out the you could walk down the aisle to people reading out the results Clamidia. neegative way Clamia. neegative. W Right It's time for Ellis to attempt to connect of the scene A man sits at the end of a table nervously rubbing his face. There's tension in the air. He tries to tap into his Welsh core. He thinks of male voice choirs, of cockles, of Robson Carnew's goal against Belgium G He cycles through every Welsh town he can think of, Barmouth, Rimney, Tonny Pandy He has a map and mind map that can help him in his quest, but he sure as hell isn't going to use them A caller waits on the end of a Zoom call. They're ready to tell a grown man their age and where they went to school. What happens next is anyone's guess It's time C Connection It's another C connection. Eice think his tactic shehip perfection. But his questions have one direction Wh did you go to school? You look d even sow Come on mate you must do No we've never met at all Before we get into this week's connection, a message from a previous connectee, eleven year old Evan Evan says Dear Ellison John, thank you for having me on the Cumary Connection in April. I enjoyed it very much I got the holy Bible for my birthday from my uncle and I'm enjoying it. As a gift from eBay? Yeah, I want to check what's the content advisory on the Holy Bible? There is a chapter on what to do if your mental health suffers.ible. Not no bad thing to happen in your. There chapter and like Making love. Yes. There is a tr chapter on. There is a chapter that Ellison I improvised about love me Which in retrospect was a bold move. Yeah yeah.. especially considering what you've been worrying about for the last five days. a chapter. We also use cricket and spin bowling as an analogy for love making at one point. Yeah. Chang Gate was a chapter, I think, wasn't it? Yes. Evan is a beer brand abbsolutely. Evan's mum, Jude, wrote a great piece in the quietus about Olivia Rodrigo So shout out to Evan's momum. decent piece in the observer about one you's truly, John Robbins. Yes, that is true. It's actually really well written. Yes, I quite like the photos. Sitting in a wood, Dave in the rain Were you? Yeah, like a gome with a good jacket Did you want it to be raining or that was that? Oh, we just ran with it. There's also a phot of me under a rainbow Beause it' a rainbow while we were doing the photoshoot. Yeah. looks like AI Unfortunately, Evan continues, the bigig round Camon Bears manan isn't at the abber ofn Market anymore Ellis, Wales is moving on without you. Oh, I don't say that hateater when people say that. But it is true. Just say that hate on peopleizza. How often have people saying that to you? People say to me all the time. What Wales is moving on without you? Yeah. Re really? Don't say it, Dave. Ellis, Wales is unrecognizable to you. Don't S it Dave, what would you feel like if you couldn't see the evolution of your home country Yeah it's been a bit of a horror show over the last ten years, actually. I would have med it. I could actually would have liked to have missed out on a lot of what's going on in this place Unfortunately, the big round Camett's manan isn't in the eb of anyy Mark anymore though I have tried to find him, but there is still a man that sells cheese. Great. So maybe it might just be the little round camon bears Di Oenvauower for having me on the show Up the Swans from Evan. love that? I did Radio fours. I was a guest, an esteemed guest on Radio fours more or less the day The Nbers programme because they were fascinated by the actual statistics behind the commer connection Yeah We've got some clips that maybe we'll do next week from that. A. Kat, who was the mathematician from Swansea they had. She's very interesting person Kat in Communication communication how best to communicate accademic ideas She was talking about it and she said, Yeahah, watch Lords of the videos hell I expected you to have a strategy It was very enting to realise they didn't. You got a strat? There's a strat in there, isn't it? No' There's an intermittent strategy. She's got a PhD in maths. So are they interested by the fact that it has pretty much found its percentage? Well, there are numbers, so well I'm higher than the percentage should be because But it's not like you go up loads loads, loads, and then come downad load Over I think two point two million people identify as wellel shin whales So then if you take there's been research into social networks. So at most you can really know fifteen hundred people and then Cnectee is not going to know that many. So if you're saying that I'm right at the very top end and they know six hundred sh I'm above where I should be. It was just the way that which is obviously very ordered think point I think she found my Scigan approach quite entertaining. G. Last week, Ellice failed to connect with Ca Guenrian despite her dad playing in the bound Catatonia. His connection rate currently stands at forty seven point seven eight percent. He's made a connection with forty three out of ninety callers That feels close to fifty. It is it always is. We're always close. It's tantalizing. What can he do this week? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello, what's your name Cola Hello, it's Lucy. Lucy, you have sixty seconds to find a mutual connection with Ellis. Your time starts now. A of school. twentyw seven and Hendy, Brygwun, and Colexicar you grow up in Hundi Yes Okay, do you know Emid Win the singer and actor who's on public Hum No Do you know do you know his parents? Do you know not his parents? Do you know my friend Claire Robert? know lives the Met or some No Okay what do you do for a living? I'm a radio producer Whope for? Radyy Nottingham. BBC Rady Nottingham. I do them up forord No. Okay. if you went to university, where did you go? Looughborough. Loughborough do you know No He's l furd, he didn't even go there. Shinagar are twenty seven total Cecthergard Did you spend much time in Cesy? Yes, I moved to Cesy after in secondary school. Oh, do you know any who works at Tinopolis No right I cycled through Handy the other day I think at one point, Ellis almost asked you, Lucy if you knew your own parents that's what he was going to say. No I know no. I don't need that necessary to go there and do it. I think I do. You did stop yourself I was about to get a. Where is Handy Ellis It's, I suppose it's between Swanson Fleley, would you say? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So continue asking Alllice if you like for a little bit. S of a sunlounger moment. Yeah twenty seven years of age.. What school did you go to Bringgwn? Yeah. So Heny Bringgwyn and Clicsigar C Collicssiregar afterwards. What was whoo was your care' officer at Coicsshirekar? Oh, that's such a good question. I've no idea. Becauseuse Mum would have known them and I will have heard about her talking about that person because she used to bring her homework home with her. But in a nice way. In a nice way it was always positive and I loved it. You went to You came You did a youth theatre in the Gwendrth Valley D did you buy any other? No, I wasn't allowed to. Why not? I don't know. we just never did. I did asked to do it and then never did. Oh what a shame. D Did you do it anyway U no, no, went into something else in Uni. Did you ever do radio in Wales Not in Wales, no What's your nameic Lucy? Lucy. Do you know any other Lucies? I know lotots of Lucies with a Y, but not so many Lucies with an IE. Do you know of any connections, Lucy I was really involved in local politics when I was in college, so I thought maybe some of the local politicians might be. Do you know my friend Andrew Johnson is with the Labour Party out of Curiosity? No, I was more on the Pied side. Oh you were on the Pied side We've never discussed whether Ellice is on the plied side or the labor side Tide side we Internationally, so along like Helen Mary Jones's campaign. What you know haveave Gwinfort he's more sort of Yascamry kind of thing I think he canvasses for plide Not that I remember. Okay, because I know here, he was compassing and I. Who is that guy with the sensible trousers my mother knows. Cvasses ally all the time What's his name? I want any canvasser to have sensible t? No he's very sensible. Yeah but I'm not going to take a leaflet from someone with like leopard tight. Like kind of I have met Helen Mary Jones, but I wouldn't do. I wouldn't get a different different liar from Rod. I wouldn't say I knew Helen Mary Jones. I I have met her, but I wouldn't say that I knew her I think it would count if you'd met her. I think she'ite She' famous because she's a politician. Do you know any musicians, Lucy No, I don't think so. Not that I'm aware of, mayaybe we've got some secret magicians. No musicians. Micians. Yeah. Yeah yeah. I'd love it if we had a mutual magician and never know What about radio knotting? Have you ever interviewed any comedians? Yeahah, we have but I just I sit behind behind the glass in the studio so I don't do a lot of At Radio Nottingham, do you turn the heating on for the guests turn the heating on? Well, I once did rado Derby and when I turned up they said we turned the heating on for you. That' very stight. Derby's a different world. Derby is a different world. So do you live up in Nottingam now Yes Clyied sideide, M will have loads of connections with you canan I give my mother's politics away on there?ish subu but probably not Yeah, of course you can. U wouldould you member she puts on social media? My mother puts it on social media, right? Well, she loves it. yeah. She loves a what I in politics on social media, right No, I don't think so. So how long have you lived in England Since Uni, so I left for Uni and then have been here since so it's probably what five or six years now. Yes Well, that's a failure but an interesting failure.'t If it' any helped to you, my secondary school French teacher was Tona Antonazzi, the MP for Gaower that's any good for you? No, but my friend Andrew would no on you Because was he was all over the Labour partarty. I saw him in Schletley the other day actually. but never mind. Never mind, it's fine. Do you agree with me that Schley train station needs a lick of paint Oh yeah. one hundred percent and it has done some the nineties As long as I can rememberion. You did that, you'd think actually community could get together and do that, not that they should have to. No, but it just since I was about eleven, I thought they should really paint Ceny Train station and they never and I am forty five. And I thought to myself through the day when I went through Cy Train station in the day and thought to myself, G, Fy trisitionion needs liick of paint, which I think every single time I thought, o maybe they've painted it Since you know in the year two thousand and now I start peeling again, but no because I've been going through it regularly for at least thirty five years ext addventures up, Ellison John, Paint, Gineethleie Stays. There we go. It's nice. We've come up with great content. Thank you, Lucy. Thank you Lucy.. Apologies that there was no connection, but it seems like there was no connection and that's the way the cookies crrumble. Thats the game Right, let's play a made up game Beill, beill, beill beill Woo you're a strimmer in space. You work for the space Council and you're strimming a space lawn. It's alert, alert, alert, attention, Patreons and RSS listeners BBC Sounds listeners have been evacuated from the building. This is an emergency I've done that mine's better than yours. Your's too late. Yours is too late. everyveryone's died from the blast And content are' wanted This is the ring fenced zone Where we can talk about a plurality of projects. And he ignored my American film police car arriving at the scene of the crime. hear that Yeah, that's good That's good. Alice is doing some Welsh language stand. time. And I cannot mention it on the BBC. You probably could have I reckon I'll be able to mention the big one because it's on it'll be televised on S four C or the event has been televised on S four C, so it will end up on the iPlayer. Gone, talkalk to us about your gigs and where are the URL's found then God, I need your helpplisteners But don't sound desperate with it. I'll sound as desperate as I like, Dave. I'll bring the confidence. Play it cool. Pay it cool. I've actually got a fair amount of confidence in my own abilities. Good. You're doing the roll alba whole next year. Oh, I'll be doing that. Well, Dave. So on august the fifth which is a Wednesday, the Wednesday of the Astetford. I am performing in the main pavilion I'm doing stand up. I've never been able to do it before for various reasons I would say in Welsh uage comedy circles, and it doesn't get bigger than that. So but I'm not really worried about that. because that will look after itself during a Stealthwold week, I think. However, I am having to do U wararm up shows Because I'm not doing a gig in Welh since november twenty twenty four. so I'm going do some warm upp shows. Wh Why did your oasis it and just go straight in? were the biggest gig of the years for. Absolutely the extraordinary they did that it is. But they did rehearse, didnn't they? They rehearsed. get in front of a crowd. Blur Blur a little Blurred did a little tour. Yeah, and they were doing really small venues. Yeah. because they they actually felt you did have to get in front of a crowd. And in Stuer, as John will would tests, you do have to get in front of a crowd. Yeah. Well, I was back in Bristol I hadn't been done any warm upp gigs. Yeah I'm not comparing. I'm closing the things. So where can people find tickets? On there's multiple venues. So this is why I need your help really. I'm doing two warm upps in Wales on july the seventeenth and eighteenth. so on the seventeenth, I'll be in Garfalog, which is a lovely venue and on the eighteenth, which is the Saturday doing a stand upp in Cardiff at a new venue called Sownover Hall Right. So there'll be a link to the tickets on my Instagram. There'll be a link in my bio. The ones I'm worried about selling are as follows. No, we need to rephrase that. The ones I would love you to be there for. Okay, I'm going to rephrase it in a third way The ones I really need London's Welsh speakers to turn up for, right I've decided to win an ABC in Canadon in Kennington, my favorite English gig on the twenty third of July, which is a Thursday and also the third of August, which is the Monday. I mean, Kennington, you could probably do a gig in Welsh to the regular audience and you still rip it such an nice gake. That is true, but I don't want to rely on that What's ABC in Welsh Aa Ek. So I'm doing Aba . Kennington there isn't where she. And that's not the Eck in Abber No,. You can open with that.. think I might go. So as I said, Thursday the twenty third and Monday the third, I will be doing ABC Aa Eck in Kennington. Tickets are on the ABC website. Re reallyally looking forward to that. I'm also doing the London Welsh Center. I'm doing the first and the second of August And I will I've not even told them I'm doing this yet. I'll give the proceeds to the London Welsh schoolch in Hanwell. They don't know that y That's m. That's not be surprise for them So London Welsh Saturday the first and Sunday the second at the London Welsh Centre on Gray's Inn Road. ets are on their website. It's the ABC ones really I'm worried about because not worried, you're excited for. We're excited for poor sales Because if you have twelve people there it's fine I'd like more than twelve. onlyn need one hundred and forty for both because it's seventy. Well'll say what we'll do. in the podcast description, we'll put the links on. Oh, you are a diamond. So there you go. We'll have the description. You're a positive influence in my life. Oh good. Yeah, I'm really really looking forward to doing this Edfod and all of my family are coming. They've got a minibus A. Oh When I was in the pub the other night I didn't really ask I didn't ask them to do this, but they were very key and they were like, we'll just get everyone here from stop all you mates from Stopport We'll get a minibus and we'll come to Ro Albert Hig. So now there's like an away day plan. Oh my go. But the Roy Albert Holig. Yeah. Yeah. So the Steadfot gig on the fifth on the Wednesday night, I'm really looking forward to that. But it is very sweet that a lot of my aunties and uncles have got in for this. I would imagine the Welsh speaking London community are not thinking so many Welsh language events this year. I can't just fit in another one. They will be very excitited. Yeah. And what happened was The London Welsh shows have always sold really work because they've got a great mailing list. But I was doing ABC and then I realized I didn't have any work in progress gigs. So I just asked James and James was like, Yes, of course you can. That's nice. So which is very good, very nice of him Sure. And while we're here, you know, my book and audio book and ebook are still available and have been picked by Audible and Spotify as their choices of the year so far brackets, but we don't put that on the Instagram post but it is so far. I could get knocked but ood in June Yeah. So that there's six months h of content that you're better than. And it is a competition? As good as a small a competition John and you've won. Life's quiz and then you die. What's the big gig that's coming up for Ellis and John though next month or so that we want to have a quick plug for Crossedires. Crossed wires in Sheffield. Oh I was ine, sorry I had crossed wires you should be worried. . Good stuff. on. mister L Let's confuse the message. Yorkshire. It is. whichich one am we literally up to is? John J take it from here? Yes. Ellison, John and Dave will be performing their podcast live in Sheffield at the Crossedwires Festival. We'd be delighted to see you there. It will be being recorded John's going to give you all a mind STI I' go and see And we'll be releasing elements of behind the scenes footage from it. It's a big event, it's a big room. Oh it is there. It is Sheffield City Hall on the fourth of July. And if you want to snog someone with their consent afterwards, the only place to be is all my friends with Dave Masterman, Lu Sanders, No Ana Magliano. No, none of them D, Dave That's the London one. I've got a London gigat coco in a couple of weeks. Okay. Well actually this Saturday, that's fine., that's safe. Amy Gladhill is DJwres with me gonna be good. Amy Gladhill, Dave Mastermanand that's it.s a load of great, great folks. looad of great ladies and men and all walks of life. So go to crosswires. live, you can get tickets for Ellison John and you can get discounted tickets for all my friends. And I cannot emphasize this enough, if you're a Welsh speak and you live in London, I really need your help because I cannot mess up the astthford Thirst, available now That's are good good. Thanks to Johnny for the Mabber voucher All right, that's enough. That is enough. I do love me Edit that out, feel free to. do Eedit it in again. I just have him hon repeat saying that. Emergency over, Rurn to normal programming Okay, Dave, what do you got for us today? Made up gamewise? Made up Gamewise, you ask? Jingle, are, we're sticking with Matt's sensational jingle. It's George Harrison inspired. It was. Well we had an email from Matt today of course. We did Matt. and Matt says, if I can just access it. U well, well, well. What's Welsh for well, well, well well, well well, but with one L otherwise it' be wish wish w whichich means better, better, better Hey that's not bad. You just say to that to yourself in the dressing. Oh God, I've written more material Bet, better, better I just listened to episode five hundred and forty nine. Have we done that many? isn't insane? too many at this point. Too much content. And heard the amazing advert you put together for the madeade upp Games album. I was out running around a wood at lunchtime listening and I stopped in my track, smiling, and I think I punched the air. genius. I'm incredibly grateful for the time and effort put in M You're the one putting the time and effort, mate I'm hoping to send you some proper gifts not stalker related, but I did want to send you this email to let you know how fantastic that was. Thank you, Michael and Dave especially On my name, I didn't choose it and I don't think my parents realised Matthew can be shortened to Mat, but it is especially hilarious when picking up orders from a paint shop. I've also played a gig with Matt White before. Wonder if that's Matthew E. White Musician Thank you once again, Matt Black. Matt Black. so if you missed it we weren' We played again last week's Tuesday up, we put together a Mark Goodyear voiced add for all of the tracks that Matt's written so far for our made upp games feature because he's done about six I think he's done six now and there are a few more to come But at the minute, we are at his George Harrison inspired number, which was played for the first time last week. Here it is. slow Station the end of conversation. That's the perfect situation for man. Gay It' been m of game face Gameess play a f up. Gameess play a f up Game we're gonna f up Thank it is so good That always makes me think of my friend, the dear Robin Alllander, because we used to go to karaoke in Bristol and he would always do my sweet Lord, which has like a two minute instrumental in the middle and during that he would break dance. Oh he. Robinage Well like badly, but badly. He sang at his wedding, but I can't remember what the song Robin sang at his wedding. Yeah. Oh, he sang Lady in red. That sounds nice. What's impressive with Matt is he's doing all these kind of I songs inspired by other artists, but Matt's got a real style. L if you listen to all the other stuff that Matt's done that, he's kind of almost also got his own kind of effffect and voices So you your favorite bando think Matts up there. Matt is up there. Right. sccores on the doors. John is on the march. Eis should be worried. He roundly thrashed Alison last week's excellent game Proverb or no verb Pverb or averb that took the scores to thirty love in the third set. Eice leading one game to love of course, John leading two sets to love overall. God he's like Argentina scored that truck even though he's Yeah, ye. you can say that. I don't really know what it. message at he's thirty nine. All right, It's not that old. It is for footballer. Yeah. Ral's Ronaldo, forty one. He was born in nineteen eighty five This week's game comes in from JB. Hey gang, after last week's impressive array of impressions, obviously what did you do last week? Ronnie Corbett? I did Ronnie Corbett laughing. Yeah and I said the word golf. It went down well. a game of golf. I thought I'd suggest a game similar to one we have played No, sorry, I suggest a game similar to one we used to play at university I've updated the name because of Ellis's upcoming historic gig at the Royala Hall. It's called Impressions are a privilege Oh no good. The aim of the game is to try and do ten celebrity impressions in ninety seconds. You'll each be given a card With ten different celebrities on it. What if I don't another person? Let me finish the rules. You'll each be given a card with ten different celebrities on it. Crucially, producer Dave doesn't know who is on your lists And he's the person who has to guess the celebrity you are trying to impersonate. Out of curiosity. Obviously whether this is in the spirit of the game or not is I suppose it's up to you But if I was given Rony O'Sullivan Would I be able to say? I scored one forty sevens really fast. Well Yeahah, because that is something I would do. I know you will. That's why you need to let me finish the rule.'s continue d Youll each have ninety seconds to do your impressions And if you're struggling to nail down an impression, you can pass. but if you pass, you forfeit the chance of winning that point. so you can't return to that impression later. If you pass, you pass.. And this might be down to me as well. I'm nervous. I'm nervous Beuse'd to be very good at this, which will ruin your chananceces of winning the game you did a few impressions in Dave's big quiz at the start of the year. and John As is his want with his massive brain, pi. the rules as far as they could by doing less impressioning and more explaining It's clever. So to counter this, each celebrity on your list will be in a certain situational scenario that have to play out. Okay. say that you just can't give facts about your person also know.oniial Sullivan's in the mouth of a dinosaur we can't say it's hard to make one hundred forty seven's inside a Ta ro Yeah I it yeah. Oh, it's really sharp all these teeth. I wish I had a snook the cw so I could knock out one hundred and forty seven of them. Yeah, be that'd be tricky. I wouldn't do that, right U So it's voice alone. For example, Sean ordering a flat white or Demiore applying for a load. Butn't I couldn't do Sean Bean saying I love birds me. I that's fair enough. but impression of him Yeah, but he's Oh no, he's got birds. No. All right. I' been in prettyitt dramas. No, you cant do that one set in prison. No, you've got to do the thing that it says on the card. Yeah, this is why we put the things on the card. Yeah. Okay So just be fair with it. Yeah, be fair for goodness. And'm sorry in advance. because I think I will panic. This is why I don't play the bloodyames. Right, Elllis, there's your card. John, there's your card D don't What Don't look at the card. Why is get time to make? Because you both you go separately, so you can only look at the card as the time starts. Yeah. Most points at the end wins, Michael, are you on point scoring And you're the arbiter. Yeah, it's down to you. And you're nervous. I am. U That's it. There are all the rules. So ninety seconds. Ny seconds is fairly lengthy. So we've got a bit of time here. Alice will'll get you to go first. impmpression with a scenario or situation. don' look at the guarda, Alice. I've not said the time starts. He's already thinking. All right, time starts now Oh oh my God, I'd like to buy a ticket to Slow U Robinaniro. Noino. U Right, no way. I can't believe that. So the way kids are made. Oh, Bry Cx. No whereere kids are made? let me and Peter If you want pass U Yeah, well, u noice. I can't either Love to see a great crusted greeninging. Nope J Id be a kingfisher or I don't know maybe a swallow. Lenon p. No I'd liker Frank Spener Lissit to talalksports or are you not Lissit to Talksports? Oh beutiful S Beaceul S. Um Is this Rotil gonna hurt or am I gonna have to write a song about him? Johnny Cash, you know? Johnny Cash son Yeah, I mean sure. Tony Blairt, how were my children doing at school? Tony Blairt. Boris Johnson, Dave, right, in fairness to Ellis You need to be guessing people that sound in some way related to the noises he's making. Right, the problem is. we've got of time. Tim' obviously I'd be able to say. I could have made references to being a pet detective in the first one or being a liar or Oh goodness. I can't say any of that Well I'm just trying to buy a train ticket to Slaowas Jim C. Jim Carrier, of course. It is Guinness was Genal. I actually mentioned Peter stage I thought that was cheating, so I stopped Let's talk. I was f' just talking to my children because are right as soon as you can't say no like all Exactly. I was John Lennon going bird watching which you did get, I think before last your last beatle. I was And I had even done my Maca. I was Bruce Forssyth doing small talk with a scub. It was really good U did this. I missed Margaret Futch' Swany and I can do a do a Marro fununure Johny Parton before a root canal? What a hospital pass that was? Johnny Cash And then I was he granted a parents evening. Oh I didn't get as far as Queen Elizabeth II paying the bllackwater tny charge over the phone Aan Freemen returning a broken blender orbert or Robert Diro confronting someone whoses droped litter Right, twow, wasas it two Okay, so for example, for Morgan Freeman returning a broken blender. wouldould you be able to say There are seven deadly scenes. That's not his voice, but there are seven deadly scenes. The first one is making a blender that doesn't work correctly. I be to do that' a bit clever with it I think If you said that, I would have to admire your initiative. I'm not going to complain about that. But it's you couldn't say how can I expect it to work with this blendnder when I'm starring in seven with Brad? Yeah. Or how can I expect this blendnder to work when I've been in prison for the last thirty years prison called Shwshank Okay, ready? I'd like to say the Blender put up a good fight. You can do that. Yeah could tricky. Right. the scenarios are so mass. I know. Well, Michael's done a very good job because they're funny. That's the point. We're having a bit of fun, aren't we? We're having a bit of fun on a Friday afternoon or whenever you're listening John you ready? Time starts now You can't bring about change when you're hungry, Kistama Very good. That was good. U Are you trying to break into my house U that's a Vulbo XC sixty out there. think the S Partridge, yes. That's excellent. Passus, pass got What are you telling me? I can't claim that on railway tickets? We fight for of railway tickets. We fight for the that Janeiro? Um it's very good.. My look King Martin looks sounds a bit know you know, big speech. Oh, these shoes are so slay. Ellice would never let me wear these shoes in studio, but I think they're a bit too big for me. Oh, they eat crumbs and don't lie.. Daveid you say. What, it's famous person famous person. How is he? From the show? Right. Okay. Oh yeah, that's the first thing. I was like is she not, I mean, she's a little bit famous, I suppose. Excuse me. when's the next train to Barnet? David Bowie. Oh, Gre found me bloming dog because I've taken so much smack that boood and ck and I'm Oh Ar kid, I found I found little dog. Correct ye. Wow. Five Five though. I think I could have got most of the rest as well. M to think a bit easier. Yeah, everyone's got a bue in them. Everyone's got a liam. What was the other one he did? Oh, I'm going fishing and I wna catch a big trout. Oh, um Bob Mortimer My daughter doesn't eat meat, but my husband will like it was Marark Simpson. Oh yeah, ye ye bang on yeah, yeah it's bang on actually. That was pretty '. were you doing Al Paccino? Yeah, it was, yeah. said n say which one he said Robert N? Oh I would have come to Alpaccino next. Would you? Yeah, gave you to Yeah. And Are you saying thatice Marlen Brndact. I think. Maybe I'd have slightly easier Rub of the green. Yeah. That'. And I like to see him stretch his legs. Yeah yeah, you have some good impressions. Let's have a look at your card. I would have liked to have remembered Christopher Walkon because there's a famous scene of him in Annie Hall. I don't think I' got Christopher Walk. The problem I've got Oh h Dave Is't it like Isn't it like that? Pm with Wh Grant? Guggling for a watch. Are you telling me this watch is two hundred pounds? That's I can hear it, but I wouldn't have got it at the moment. Wh Grant, you end up veering into General Ph? Yeah you do. Party MGinness, you veer into genereneral Lancashire Yeah. H I didn't get fast, Thatch her. Do you Thatcher? No, Dolly Parton, you just sounded like American woman from the South. From Nashville. Yeah ye. Who did I say Who was Martinher who was Martin Luther King? Oh, that was Al Pacino. because you went you went Robert De Niro, Martin Luther King. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, yeah. veryer good game, fun game. Thank you to JB Right, shall we end with Ashame world? Oh, yes, please. Okay, let's head in What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand. I was signed in on her Gmail. John's shamew M Right, then everyone. I'm safe from the heat wave here in the Shame Wellell. It's d, it's dark. Yeah It's low down. it rises as you know. I didn't sleep well last night it was too hot. Yeah big heat wave in progress. So remember the basics. okay? I didn't this morning, I' forgotten to water my plants outside the front of the house Oh, you'll be alright. It's been raining shedloads recently. They don't get the rain because they're kind of under a little porch. and today was that you know when you' you're at the end of the run of because I've not done it for the last few days, todayoday's the day with the heat that they're going to wilt. Oh dear. so you can get those little sort of drip things that you put into Are they pot plants? Yeah, I Yeah. So yeah Just make sure you're keeping windows and curtains closed until the air outside is cooler than the air inside Unless you live in like a flat or a greenhouse or somewhere with lots of glass where the air inside will heat exponentially Run a t shirt under a cold tap, wring it out, pop it on. The best air conditioning you can buy apart from air conditioning which you can buy. I have bought and works great. Did you open the loft door or did you not open the loft door? I've tried opening the loft door, but my dislike of heat is outweighed by my fear of spidz on spidir's coming down into my cool bit. Oh our loft is warmer than the rest. It's never work me. No, you open the hatch and the hot air goes into it. Oh, because the hot air from downstairs spices, o Yeah yeah. it does work. and just you know eat lots of cool drinks. I don't drink spiders because I'm hard. I came into my living room the day and there was a spider on the floor that I described to myself as a prime Minister of spiders. I get about three a year and they are off the scale. What would you do if I was in your house and I'd put it in my mouth and then opened my mouth slowly and then just crawled onto my face? I think I shoot you with a shotun in the stomach. o So the spider survives. Yeah the spider survives. Okay But I don't I mean, I have got better, but I do I'm afraid just kill them to end the sort of the DNA line. Do you? Yeah. They've got to go when they're that big. I get them under a glass. No, I don't think I have a glass big enough. This is how big these things are Yeah, Gamend G him mera a big tipware box and slide a copy of the economist underneath. I could do that, but I Look it. What's the shame? I wrote into Simon Mayo's confessions on radio onene in the early nineties. He mentioned me but refused to read out the confession due to the detail involved. I've therefore carried this confession around for thirty five years. Oh, I love it. We're getting a confessions cast off. I was in my this is like Simon Mayo tripleX. Yeah, love it. Lo l late night rude confessions I was in my early twenties and just started a new job at an engineering research establishment in Leicestershire Most of the engineers were very sporty and competitive, as was I They set up a lunchtime squash ladder that dates it. Yeah. Where you would visit the local sports center to play your opponent at squash. Squash' such a good eighties. Huge eighties If you won, then you progressed up the ladder The summer in question was particularly hot, and I'm sure most sports people are aware that in the heat of the day you can become very sore between the thighs and cheeks whilst carrying out a sporting activity One cure for this was to use a lipsill and apply it to the said area. I always kept a stick handy in my pocket so I could apply when required This particular day was very hot, and at lunchtime I took on my next opponent hoping to progress up the squash ladder I'm not sure if I actually won the game, but I do remember being very sore between my cheeks afterwards. Not a problem, as I had my remedy, the lip sill. On returning to work and safely back in the office, I realized I developed a hole in my pocket. Back in those days, we had loose change in coins that could fall through pesky unwanted pocket holes That meant I had to empty my pockets of all contents, including the lipsill onto my desk in the office. But Just as I' had done this, the group's secretary walzed into the room. She was a very good looking young lady, and with a smile to die for. She looked at my desk, saw the lips fill, and said fantastic. My lips are so dry today Before I could do anything, she had picked up the stick and was rubbing it all around her lips At this point there was little I could say or do, but the episode remains with me to this day. It's bumsill. but I'm gonna say that is an extraordinary bold move from the Secretary. It is. Whether or not you've been using it on your bum, even if it's a brand new one. Yeah. You don't just grab someone's lip sill. No you can't seouarch another man's or woman's lipssill. You move to us. Well even then I think you I don't think I would I would not ask to use someone's actual like stick. I might ask if they're a tub of vaseline. Yeah. Yeah yeah. That's it. this I've got a small tub of Vasline and you can offer that H. But I think there's certain anetiqueta to that. like you tend to use a finger. Yeah if I put my lips into your tub of basaseline and sort of kissed it onto my lips. Yeah. I would never use someone else's lip seill or chapstick. That's horrible. But then when it's become bumsill Can she not tell? No, no, no, you're not telling. All of this is making my lips rather dry. Howas that been on your bum? But no. also I I sill. It's I'm not feeling it. What do you mean? No one's doing it. I reckon she could tell or but also you would never guess. you would never think o, this has been on not. Of not. The thing is, what else could he have done? Be you can't go no D', use that in a panicked manner. because then it's clear something on what happened to the b theyll say, What the hell you think you're doing? Yeah, I suppose if you play it cooler But You could say, oh, I'd rather you didn't. What you can't say is, well, I think I would have done in that situation to say, please don't use that spein on my anus Yeah, you can't say that. I can't say that. No I wish you could say, Hey, you don't know where that's been. Also like. I can't use it, but maybe they were less. I guess obviously not just pre COVID, but pre blloody work brigade. People didn't care about getting like contontaminating things in It's a pretty lady as well, so he probably panics a bit, you know Yes. I also want to embarrass yourself. I also think stop doing that's horrible. It's a very deep cut impression. If you are my age and you had the James and the Giant Pach audio book that was around in the mid eighties, the littleittle magic man that gives James the worms goes That's niche. Thanks. You're welcome. Yeah. I thought she was going to walk in on him applying it. A That's where my mind had gone. I thought she was going somehow maybe shared off his toiletss and she was gonna to walk in and he was sitting on the Myine lipps sill to his bum. And it is quite a dainty thing to be doing to your bum.ost like putting lips stick on it Fine bogggles. But we've all done it, some of us in front of Gabby Logan's press secretary before the London Marathon. That was mad. Yeah. So I wonder if that'll be her shame while one day that she sends into Well, that's the job of a press secretary is to shield Logan from from the gritty reality of the London Marathon. But the am of time she's seen I a marathon runner Logan will know the inss and outs. Yeah, but she doesn't necessarily want to be exposed to the inss or the outs No, Sot press secretary has done their job well. She isn't reporting that back to L. should we should ask Gubbie what she'd think? She'd intervute you mid She listens. mid rub So thank you, everyone, for your Shame Wellells. Now we've got a special request for Shame Wells for us to use at Crossedwires Festival in Sheffield, where Ellis and I and Dave are doing a live version of this podcast