Mega pants and dad's glop invention

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon d. com slash Ellison John. few water a scorchure Gone are the days really where that kind of crazy headline with knotted handkerchief photo atop a tabloid. Yes really cuts the mustard. Yeah On Friday, stalk was hotter than the seychelles. Yeah, it's more few. You're all going to die quite soon. Yeah ye The messaging's changed. This is bad new Ites doesnn't feel as quirky anymore, does it? No A bit heavier. I did see An awful lot of Brits are going on package holidays to Portugal, whereas they'd be better off staying at home because it's actually hotter in Andolf but that it is in the algarve. Yeah, sometimes the independent do do those wrong headlines. Yeah. No, no No, because then I was on the news on the tele Yeah. was the anchor. I was the ancher. It's not sort's been Treor Donald, actually. It's gone from and finally to story. Yeah ye ye, yeah yeah. Dave, could you turn me down just a touch, please? I'm getting a bit of verbal GBH of the oldld ear roll in my ears. You don't hear that anymore. You don't. I' not heard that for a long time. Iice seem to say playfully to a loved one. Yes. What's that? Verbal GBH of the oldld ear roll? Verbal GBH of the oldld ear? I' never heard that before Well, imagine you get home from a long day's work and Anah says, Dave didn't put out the recycling. Bloody ye, Anna. I've been at work all it. Come on, get purple GVH or bloody here I' gonna use that. She will love it. love that. Oh she will love this. because you know what Annah's great in? the heat. Hannah just takes it with a pinch of salt and just cracks on. F isy? salt It actually raises the melting temperature of ice Dave. Yeah. So that's the last thing she wants to do. It is the last thing If it's like with Izzy that the temperature is fifteen degrees hotter than it actually is. Y. So this week obviously it's been extremely hot, but for her, it's like it was fifty five degrees. mean it did to be fair to the people that are taking it hard. Hell It feels like fifty five to be honest. Yeah the humidity hrendous. My kids have been off of school all week Yeah. Because it's a new building, It was built less than ten years ago and it's like a greenhouse. Oh that's good. Yeah that they think about that cool But glass is cheaper, isn't it? they just make all schools out of glass probably. Yeah, it is if it's twenty five degrees the school is unbearable. That feelves an oversight. Yeah, but Are they going to get Aircon installed Well, I mean Beuse that's gonna to have to happen. There was a lot of chat about out in the parents Whatsupp group but it will cost about a hundred grand. Yeah but Yeah but on the whats up group it is like, shouldh we have a fate? or like? Yeah. S you have a hundred fates? Sh you have a thousand f fates and only invite oligarchs How much would you raise from the average fate? That's a good question. When I did the PTA Quiz, I horosted the quiz for the year six Lavers d. and I think we raised four thousandteen hundred pounds. So I need to do another hundred of them. So need to seventy fates? Yeah. Oh raise the ticket price Yes and again, who is recingest invite oil barons It's very I mean, obviously from what you're hearing for you're listening in the future, we're currently in Heat A and heat wave A It's horrible. Your house is pretty cool, isn't it Cool enough? Well, firstly it's cool because I live there. Yeah. Secondly it's cool because it'sull of awards and queen memorabilia. Cool. And thirdly it's cool because I do have a portable air conditioner for which my gratitude to your whole All the heads of different religions is Unrelenting. Yes. H they made the air conditioning unit? I don't know. I'm not in the Quran, isn't it? I'm not going to special an unit. Wh invented air conditioning. No. But I'm just going to say for all religions. Yeah. I'm not saying it was you. I'm not saying it was you. I'm just saying for all of you, whoever is responsible this, I'm very grateful. I like to chat in my local coffee shop They're really nice behind the counter, lovevely staff But it is hot in there. Yeah. And they got a big fan that's just blooming around really hot air. I went in and I said, God, is a hotworking in here all day? And the lady went, Yes. Yeah. yeah. I said that was a stupid time. I did that this I deserved that Yeah,. So Kendall, who works in the cafe downstairs, I said, God, the last place you want to be today is in a blooming kitchen isn't it? Kendall's like, Yeah. And it's my job Yeah. I was actually trying to be playful, but I understand that Yeah huge tricky. I was thinking on the way in huge respect to anyone who can't adapt their workplace. I saw some guys digging up the road yterday Yeah and it's like there is no shade. Yeah. The shade is the van. And you've got to get this job done? Yeah, one of my best mates from school is a gardener. and he was texting me last night I saying there's just no shade in the garden I'm working at the moment and that's herific. I did actually say to my gardener Yesterday, you know, if you want to take five minutes to yourself That's fine. Thatice Five minutes. You're generous. Do what you should have said some iced water. what you should have said? You should said, Listen me, if you want to go down the shop and buy yourself a drink, do that. I'm not gonna to buy you a drink because I'm thinking about tomorrow's show. so obviously I've got the time. I did offer him some of the best SPF available in the UK Did you offer to apply? No. I would have I would have I would have like. If he' held out his hand, I would have squeezed I would have squeezed it into.' And if'daken his top off and turned around and said back first, what would he have done then? I would have squeezed it on his back and used some of the foliage he'd cut back to sort of lather it in. Really? so you wouldn't have tch wouldn't you wouldn't have gone skin to skin likeike you were trying to bond with a newborn baby gloves on. Why whyy don't you want to touch your gardener's skin? So obviously like my day reallyally is temperature control. from actually not from waking, it starts the night before. Oh yeah, yeah. what do you mean by that? Well, I just implement all of my Um sort of regimes and routines. Okay So it's opening, as we've said many times before, opening the windows when the temperature outside lowers to below the temperature of the house. Yeah. It's air conditioning in one room with the door closed That's running pretty much constantly. And I was able to get the ambient temperature of the house down by about five degrees in the bedroom But I tell you what, as soon as you turn it off Yeah. L went up a degree in ten minutes. Did it? Yeah yeah, yeah. It's crazy, but it just it gets you off to sleep And sometimes I will just lie on my bed in my pants and think, thank God for technology. Lila was lying on our bedroom floor at midnight last night doneone with it. Yeah. Kackered, but Can't get to sleep. Yeah, my kids can't sleep. I can't sleep either. So Hannah's coming down because we've got some fun plans this weekend. So my parents have just got three hot, tired children for two days. Do you have Do you guys not have an airon from when you had like nursery Its like a nursery room. We've bor one. Yeah. We should have done. We know We built it a couple of years ago and I don't only use it couple of weeks in the summer but the thing is unbelievable. The impact it has is I mean, it's expensive, is it What's expensive? The Aircon unit on your electricity bills? A It's actually not. I looked into this. W it on? Yeah. It works out about for twenty four hours of use. It works about four hundred fifty. Oh okay whichich you know, is still an amount of money If you're using it in like sort of six hour bursts, five days for five quQid, I mean, Crykey Moses, what would you pay to have a cool room in your house, Dave? A hundred pounds a day. There you go.. So it's a lot. But you've gott to buy them in winter They're all sold out. Yeah. It's like buying suun lototion, buy it in December, guys. Really? Is it cheaper? Iiceish I imagine sir. I'm not sure it is. It's gotta be Because I think supermarkets put on offers when you are after something because they're drawing you to that area of that.. I went to I was wking the last day the kids were in school, I was walking to the I was walking into school and realized I forgot to put sun creream on there So I thought, o well I've got to do that now, obviously. So I walked into my local shop There's quite a big sort of news agent that sells lots of stuff. I said, you've got your sun cream? and he went Oh what' know I thought, I can't be the only person. asked. And he went And then he got some like factor fifteen He had w who is using factor fifteen? Well, people maybe a little bit. Maybe people with darker skin. Yeah whack on the fifteen and I've done with it. someome people with fifteen would do the job. But he was like, Oh ye, you can have this. like I remember in that weird. The eighties, my m had like factor four. Yeah, we had some factor two. O house. His swim. Yes. And you put it on gives you four minutes protection. Yeah it gives you ten minutes of respite. Day, day on the beach. Yeah, we I remember my u I remember In our medicine cabinet, we had some fuckoroo and I said, Where did this come from? She said, No, are we're wearing at Cyprus. You're a maniac. Yeah That's not enough. I got quite into ice lollies and I'm slightly worried that the Becauseuse in the day my appetite goes Yeah, mine too is. But I'm constantly eating sort of cold sweets and kidding myself th that oh, this is good to keep your temperature down to have your sort of fourth I slowly and forth twister probably Yeah, it was twisters.. I saw some e a twister yesterday. And have you had the frozen grapes ' got like sour coating. No, no. They're crazy. They're fruit riot. They're riot. It're called fruit riot. Yeah. and it's frozen grapes with like a sort of wall head sour coating and you put them in your mouth and your face all screws up and then you eat them. Cool. So that's quite good fun. Sounds like a band on Six music, Fruit Riot. Yes, it does. some one that, you know, Radcliffe and McCononey might play. But I do hope you're all doing okay. And like I said, if you're not able to adapt your workplace My heart goes out to you. So I'm very grateful for having like an air conditioned train on the way in, even though I was stuck on it for half an hour at. Aighted Miranda Sawyers podcast taught ninety did you? I love Miranda Sawyer and I love that podcast extent that I actually asked to go on it, which I've never done before. I send a message to we on Instagram man Come on, man I left the nineties come be on. And even though the room we were doing it in was air conditioned, I still sweated so much somehow because I'd been hot all day that the socials fingers crossed would be unusable wass an absolute mess. So I had a real rosacea flare up brought on by the heat and I believe Kfir Oh think I I think I have an intolerance for fermented goods Anyway. Well, a lot of like Sarah Crat and Kim She andasuff for Yeah, whichich I don't partularly like. there's no big deal, but I made a big I made a Polish cold soup. Oh yeah, which is sort of beetroot and Oh is he mix that? Mint and cafeir or soured milk they use. Yes. Is made that one what's it cold? It's mad. It's bright pink and it's cold and it's soup and it's made of yogurt. but anyway toer the next day is an absolute horror sh. The next day my skin just exploded. It was so painful and red. I looked like I looked like someone had kind of sort of boiling water on my face. It was really horrible. So I'm panicking and applying lots of creams and stuff and I did a podcast for the rest is enttertertainment, like their bonus podcast. What to do, which is like World Cup of Entertertainment And I go into Spotify and I sit down in the room And they've got the cameras on like Beyond four K HD. Right. And it's very blem my face. I'm not joking. the size of that wall behind it. My big brother. It's just like me. Yeah. And I started eating a sandwich and I looked up. it was just this most horrific image of me I've ever seen. And did you say sorry? I' be angry skinn me eating Egg and cheese sandwich I was like that no one can ever see that. No. That can't be that has to be react. Miranda was very sweet and said I just looked like I was glowing and then I looked at myself in my phone afterwards and it honestly looked like I'd been doused in water. Yeah. But did you say to Richard and Marina, Sorry, I've been eating some Polish soup No I just said, before we discuss who's better out of oasis and cold playay, can you Wh are you getting caught them? for that that she's got no both of them. I was actually very even handed and I said So one of I would don't I don't know what spoilers I can give, but it they're free. The first episodes are spoiler is you were a bad booking. Gary Crther, no chance. Paulo Hewitt, not for us, John Robins. I said If we're talking about bands, this can't get into like a discussion of who we like Yeah It's got to be about like impact. Okay, like cultural impact, impact on British music and world music. Yeah But yeah, great fun. It was me, Maisie Adam and Richard Osman and they'll be out very soon. Nly It's weird though, some people are very good at coping with it. Like I was on the train on the way in and there was a lady opposite me just reading a book And her hair was like straightened and perfect and she wasn't sweating and she looked completely at ease and everyone else in the carriage looked like they were dying. And I thought what are you doing that's different? Well, I guess it depends didn't of a fan. she wasn't drinking She wasn't fanning herself for anything. She just seemed to have stepped onto the train from a different dimension Well, I think it depends what your sort of personal infrastructure is because infrastructure of the country as a whole is not designed as your school proves to deal with this kind of heat. And there's a real political problem climate change, I mean A climate change, but also Do you invest hundreds of billions this country able to deal with long periods of high heat So person may gone not gone through any infrastructure that's the co to heat bad. Might train was quite badly delayed and we were on the platform. probably half an hour because most people seemed It was amazing. But if you're sat in the shade in a park in this weather, you're actually most people are okay. Yeah. It's if you're sort of your office or your house or yourre flat, if you're in a top floor flat room. Oh o my life. Our attic is like a punishment suite Well what you can do, if you've got a skylight. Yeah. So you open that and you open the loft hatch. Yeah. and then the hot air just goes out of your house Yeah Um It' all about it's all about through drafts. Yeah, I understand. Late in the evening. I understand. Anyway, I've had some really good emails this week and I would like to start with someone replying to our discussion about Taylor, whose boyfriend made them listen to a song he'd written about Taylor in front of him whilst touching knees Hello content kings It's unfortunately dislodged a long forgotten memory from my teenage years and first relationship. It could have been much worse for Taylor that day. Rather than one song, Taylor could have had an entire album. Yep, that's right. Inspired by true and burning love for her birthday, I gave him a girlfriend a CD. Wow, maybe it's from one of my favourite bands she probably thought as she unwrapped it twelve tracks of incredibly amateur, cringe inducing acoustic guitar love songs. Did we put it on and listen? You bet we did. Luckily, I can't remember whether we made it as far as the sexy song I had wr. Oh. Anyway, it didn't matter, we broke up soon afterwards. That CD still exists, but God forbid I have to listen to those lyrics again Love you all Rudy Yeah It's tough. The problem with young love is that occasionally you will express yourself. And my advice to anyone who's young and in love is keep those emotions In lockdown. Play it cool. Play it cool and for God's sake, don't write an album. Well,ess you' Alex Turner. I was just thinking I I used to express my love in Comilation tapes of other people's music. Okay you Yeah, yeah yeah, that's fine. Then I remembered also poems which I hadd written So did you give them? Yeah. And what was I've never done that, I've never had the bottle to do that. So what was the reaction and response like Hm Were any positive? Sorry yes, it's got noted H you have to dig up these memories, John. I'm worried now. It's nicer to receive than some things. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You you weren't you know, unloading a load of horse when you were in a front card, were you No, I wasn't drilling holes in a house and setting bees loose But in a way, emotionally I was. U Bees of love. I don't know. Welcome to my love bees. My love hive. D enoy my love hive. Welcome to my Stanzas of love bees I think in retrospect, I would rather have written them because I believe the creative process is in the end helpful to anyone. I don't. No it is. Oh, it is. It is I would rather have written them and not given them Yes. Yes, of course. I think that's the thing. But speaking of creativity, interesting email from Beck here. He says, Beck, hello you Don Lafontaines of podcasting professional movie trailer editor Remember that phrase professional. And I'd like to congratulate you thinkink Beck means John on Tuesday's movie trailer podcast opener You got the title and key info upfont for those of a low attention spam Character intros were on point. it featured strong voiceover, comedy, narrative arc peril, and the classic cliffhanger tees. Keep it up, lads. I think she means lad. Ecuse me, You'll be Golden Trailer Award winners in no time. b it we bought it to L. Sure, sure, of course. I've got to thank my ensemble She did. But written directed and starring Jo Rbert It does annoy me that John has multiple talents and that if comedy went wrong, he does have a plan B I like a lot of I Cumbees Am I going to be a Hollywood director? You wear a cap well. Thankk you And I'm sort of I'm sort of hiding my skin a bit today. so I'm wearing my glasses and a cap So Oh can I ask if if there's any dermatologists listening today? we will get a couple of them as well. Cool. Well, given potential rosacea triggered by fermented foods Fermented foods, heat and sweat. Yeah and cheese I'm starting to think it's a histamine response because I took an antihistamine and it really helped. Yeah, yeah I'm on them in a minute. So what do I do? What are you on the antihistamine forld Dave? It hay fever and I think for some reason, like heat rash this time aroundound, which I've never had either of before. And Tuesday night I was it was scratch you know what? I went to watch my daughter to watch school production a friend of mine was in it or her daughter was in it and then We walked to the school which took twenty minutes. by the time I got there, I was so sweaty my eyes were itching. Yeah. Like it was it's never happened to me before. It's hri This is from Charlie, hello to you three. brave boys broadcasting for a better Britain. Right now in the midst of meegaummer, I draw in one of Robins's many words of wisdom. This is all very embarrassing on these emails today. And so I sit here emailing you in thirty degrees wearing a wet t shirt in front of a fan, as my daughter would say, I'm as cool as a porcupine in the snow My workmates think I'm mad, but until they're brave enough to try for themselves, they chose to live in sweaty ignorance. confonirmation and a validation, if ever needed that your brave broadcast is making this Brit's day better at last A a lot of bees, hashtag Robins for PM. Hashtags significant political party Oh now okay, I can get on board with that. We could try and get in where the Tig group failed. Who were they? Do you remember the tigs Yes. What was it stand for The independent group for change. ye. Okay. What take We could be such a common as well. Yeahah, ye. the significant group And what are weing What are we standing for? Significant Britain? Significant Britain abroad. Deency. Dcy significant deccy. Significant improvement. And what's nice about that is it like m Yeah The improvement will be significant in the NHS. But I'm not putting any numbers on it. Look you any figures. And that could be a negative significance as well, couldn't it? No, the improvements will be significantly positive. Okay We will have Okay significant standards to hold ourselves toes I will expect nothing other than a significant work ethic from my staff Yeah, yeah. And it will be a significant improvement on the last blooming b. And any failures will be insignificant And dealt with significantly dealt with so as long as everyone's just trying to blim in best. and if any of us The messaging has to be consistent. Well I be we just want everyone to try their blim in best. I will everyone say that. Just try your best and just get on. just get away with it. o. Right then, little email. Hello to the bravest of brave little soldiers upon hearing your lamenting of the lack of lathing and lathhe based jappery in the modern day I was reminded of a lovely chap me and my dad became friends with We'd enrolled onto a bicycle maintenance course. I need one of those, by the way at a nearby workshop Over the weeks, we learn how to strip down, diagnose and fix problems in bicycles. and it was a lovely time spent bonding over bikes. That sounds fantastic You know, there's a bike maintenance company that do days in this very office. No Iree not know that. And I think that's whyt know that because it's on a sign by the lyifts and the you read signs? Yeah I read signs I roll my eyes at that one saying taking the stairs will make you live seven years longer because I' think that's Ohry. I'm gonna write that on. It's sort of fake science Be bike maintenance courseour in this building? Yeah twenty eighth of No, they will check your bike for free is what it is. told her to show on my bike myself. I'll do that probably for a. giveive him a bit of the old nature's ID. AKA the face. Yeah. Hey, I'm Alllice James. I want to expand my horizons. Yeah, okay, I will. That sounds great 'cause my local bike shop said they were going to do it. and then when I went in chat and they went, Oh, no we're not doing that anymore. I Why not? can't be bothered? I haven't checked whether that thing about the stairs is fake science. I just guessed it was. Cool All right, Barlt. Oh we just check. C you talk, Dallis I We soon got chat into to another man on the course Rob who worked in the engineering department at the University of Sheffield Robber was a fascinating individual who in hindsight seemed overly qualified to be on such a relatively introductory course of bike maintenance sneez I can't cope with that. Why not? Be Be you're not expressing yourself through your sneeze. I mean, it's very considerate I don't want to do into the mic. It's like throwing up into your mouth and swallowing it. that loads, love. It's responsible because there's no germs going anywhere. V's very true. I'm happy. this is a better person than me you. Ifave you ever seen anyone sneeze with when the light's just behind them? The trajectory of how far a sneeze goes unbelievable comes out a hundred m. I think it just goes a few inches away from your mouth Absolutely these graphics in lockdown Yeah like low it Yeah yeah H. tall man who was the epitome of chill, very down to earth and just a good egg all around. and as we got to know him, he told us stories of building guitars from scratch Restoring motorcycles and building an Austin ten race car from scratch bare chassis. and limping various minis and Markin Ford escots around as a student in late seventies, early eighties At the end of the course I mentioned that I'd been inspired to build my own racing bike to which Rob said that he has some Simano parts, ge ass sette, handlebars andrakes etc barely used. that I could have for a very reasonable amount now then So one evening me and my dad drove around to Rob'bs, which was a paradise for us treasure trove of bicycles, motorcycles in his stunning nineteen thirties Austin tenen race car His garage was a little slice of heaven and pride of place along the Austin was a full size lathe and an upright milling machine He had the tools and the knowledge to essentially make anything he wanted and he clearly did. Upon seeing thisreasurerove over machinery and tools, my dad in a joking manner asked, so whatat does the wife think to which roob answered she left me? It sad. off course it is. sad. Instant awkward atmosphere M might have immediately offered his apology and condolences, but Rob just smiled I no worries it was a while ago and besides it was for the best Rob then pointed at the full sizeed lathe which looked straight out of a professional workshop. You see that lathe? I came home with it and my wife said it's me or the lathe. As you can see the lathe is still here Wow, two laughter and further talk and rubbish about old cars and the intricacies of metalworking all the best time ' Charenge. I think he actually chose them he didn't ch he didn't say oneays. I think like They've sort of I don't see that as a sad story because they've both kind of got what they wanted. Yeah It's not really about the lhe. If she's feeling that someone's not prioritizing her, she needs to go and find someone who treats her the way she wants to be treated. and if he prefers lathed of human beings Then it' sort of win win U Yeah. Just such a funny sentence. It's me overling. That's my favourite sentence ever, I think. It it's me or the lave. It makes me think of that I read once wor article, a long read about audio files mainly man who get obsessed with their highi fi systems and buying solid gold cables to increase the frequency I' thez frequency. was listening C and vowels and speakers and fidelity. Yes. And they would hire out Foors of hotels and do put their setu in each room and they sort of go from room to room listening to each other' setups to a man, each of them said their greatest fear was dying partartners just getting rid of the systems because they'd never told them how much they'd spent on them. So you do like a hundred grands worth of stuff. What? and them dying and it just sort being taken to the local church. save the children ye. Because why on earth would you think your partner had spent a thousand pounds on a speaker cable? because that's completely in I love music Oh yeah. I don't love music enough. Why invest in a system like that? Given that we and I work in audio, I'm not actually very good at spotting what's good and what's bad quality. I can't tell a differe humuman ear can't pick it up. Yeah. 'cause there's one platform that's lossless, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And there's another one that isn't. You could put both of them ont to me. I can't really tell which one's losless and which one isn't. It's because're you're not a machine No, but some people can't or they claim to they claim to. Yeah We' got two emails about mindSTDs. Great to my three lovely little dipler Cockkeye I don't what that is but I'm guessing it might be a.us? No diplcoci. Google that Dave DIP L OC OCC I. It's ailly problem I'll come back to the stairs later on, John. Okay. co are spherical or oval bacteria that typically occur in pairs Hm. Do we want to be diffle cock? pears as in the fruit. They are formed when round bacterial cells, cochi is it coche? I don't know? Cchi probably. Cchi. Cockchi. No, because you divide and remain attached to each other instead of separating' lovely vus ocock. Bacteria, sorry, not virus. Where are alludi your bacteria? I'm writing in a state of surprise and delight after Tuesday's episode. Never in my many years of listening did I expect to be right in the middle of the Venn diagram of my two favourite subjects, The lovely boys and lovely bugs First of all, John, congratulations on your relentless commitment to public health you are recovering well from your mind STD. and thank you for being an accidental advocate for reducing the stigma around testing. You're welcome Not only am I retro oneer, I'm also a sexual health specialist in nurths. and part of the way through a PhD on STI prevention Um Yes, I am the sort of person who will bore you at parties talking about my favorite STI, Sphilis Why I wonder if they're knocking around Syphilis? Syphilis was what got alcaapolone in the end, isn't it I wondered if I could use the opportunity for a quick PSA, and yes, this is important, I should have said this. that even if you aren't in the top tax bracket, testing is free, quick, and largely painless. There's an option to order tests online, delivery to your door, and we now even have medications to prevent many SDIs, both mind and otherwise becausecause in my panic, I I made decisions that incurred large costs. because I wanted speed, discretion and efficiency. Turns out a lot of people have gotten in touch. There's much there is actually as quick and ways and free ways of getting yourself tested So I didn't want people to think that if you're worried about the fact you might have an STI, you need to spend loads of money. But you're like in Elder Maros, you' spend thrift Yes, though I never always thought that meant something different 'causeuse it sounds like it sounds like a miser. Yeah, it does. Yes If someone has symptoms, we try to see them as soon as possible. though because of budget cuts, you may not always get an appointment on the same day Although they're not necessarily pleasant, STIs are just a fact of life This is what I was thinking of myself. It's just a sore throat that lives in you Willie In a way Yeah. Like there's no moral difference between bacteria in your gentleman's agreement t Or your ladyies's agreement, or your them's agreement, than in your throat, but don't put a straps up there Do not put a strepsill up there No. or a locket. The bigger issue we face is not biology, it's stigma, embarrassment and the persistent myth that sexual health clinics are intimidating places staffed entirely by swab wielded judgment fans They are not, they're full of slightly exhausted, kind professionals who have seen everything, heard everything. Oh yeah, and are mainly just delighted when people turn up rather than self diagnosing mind STDs via Google That's from Jie And then this one, which is Funny And actually, I think this email deserves to be classed as a shame well. Okay because it's so good So let's head into the well to read out this tale of woe What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand. I was signed in on her Gmail. John's shamew. Oh Hello you sexually safe saages I enjoyed the recent anecdote about John's brain induced STI, and his comment about reading out results of a test on a wedding day reminded me of the heady days of my first proper job, where I was a fresh young graduate recently single after my then ex girlfriend had found herself and other man on a post university gap year, which in hindsight Is shouldn't have endorsed with such ge Perect Anyway, I fully committed to newly single life, enjoying the very infancy of Tinder and online dating. I had a good year of being single for the first time since before university in London, at which point some of the team I worked for were living vicariously through me being men of a certain age married with children. After a couple of months, an older wiser colleague inquired about my sexual health and the potential for me to have unwittingly picked up an STI As a result, I went into a bit of mental panic similar to what John has mentioned and took myself along to one of the free sexual health testing clinics in London, just to make sure all was fine and the slight burning sensation I'd been experiencing was driven by dehydration. I had a routine test, urine only, It's post World War two, after all, and in a moment of absolute madness, clearly still riddled with panic Instead of putting my mobile number down to receive my results I instead submitted the work on phone number God. Which was shared between eight different colleagues. That's horrible stuff. You can imagine my mixture of delight and absolute terror. Oh my God. When there was a call that came through from the East London sexual health clinic picked up by my boss, put on speakerphonone for all of us to hear where they read out my name, date of birth and then followed up with the test results in order. Quote, Your AIDS test is negative. Negative means you don't have AIDS. Your syphilis test is negative. neegative means you don't have syphilis and so on The call probably lasted for a minute, but felt like it was about half an hour. Such was the enjoyment that the rest of the desk had from this experience, it actually became an annual tradition for the next couple of years before I left and moved on to passassengers New, with my colleagues safe in the knowledge I left them sexually healthy if nothing else I will withhold my name for obvious reasons, cheers. Huge impact on me, that email. Hge me. You don't have syphilis. B! It like when they read out this the team sheet. You don't have chlalydia. B. You don't have gonorrhea. B They were clean I think so because the one step of that being even worse is if one of the that would Yeah, that's brourous. Yeah. So at least it it just shows responsible responsibility But is if fny office dynamic that in that that person was young and single in the early days of Tinder and everyone else in the office is married and they're all living vicariously through it. I remember like Be Tinder started about twenty fourteen, fifteen, maybe, twenty thirteen? I remember becoming a real pick of comediian set. Oh yeah, it was around the time ye for ages. I sort of started a long term relationship And I do remember sort of saying something does that look like? Yeah is that likely? Yeah. I've been with thiszy since twenty ten, sove I've never been on the app. but ye, A that time, you talk to the comedians who had it in their set like Which way to swipe a Gry Good fun? Is it very good fun over there? And then what happens? And how can I look at it? Just do you at your profile? just just gonna read that. I don't think it's as much fun as it sounds. Oh Godd no. Itound' absolute. 'causeuse then two years later it was all uted delete exes drive me ins saying. Oh you want to know upstairs? Yes, okay Uh Taking the stairs daily is linked to significant longevity benefits. Studies show that climbing just five flights of stairs a day is associated with a thirty nine percent lower risk of dying from cardiovascular disease bu that it may it's not hge.'s h there was if youre like if your diet is appalling Yeah and the only exercise you do is that and you're genetically predisposed to disease Taking five flights of stairs a day isn't gonna to make you live longer. But there are theories that, you know, living in a bungalotics ofiew years off your life. But this is all kind of this is like that science where it's after the fact. But all it's basically it's using stairs as an example. It's just saying get fit and live long sure because there's nothing really as bad is going to happen. of course. it will, you know, you will get fitted from walking upstairs. Yeah. So surely that is good because fitness is good. But also like the for example, that bungalow stat It could also be that people who live in bungalows are often people with health conditions that give them mobility problems or their're very elderly. There's a lot in play here. Disastrouisks There's caveat Right It's ringfence time. It's exciting news folks because the Royal Albert Hll has sold out in around an hour That feels like it should be on the news. The promoter does say to all intents and purposes. Yes throw that in. I imagine there's probably a few single tickets left. There may be some access seats left for people perhaps who use a wheelchair Yeah They are releasing some standing tickets for twenty quQid. The away end. The people who really hate my st Yeah, yeah yeah. the people who were gonna stay and watch it in like barrack they bought flares. Yeah. That's where the pir's gonna be. Can you imagine if we walk out on stage and there's one of these enormous flags of Ellis. Yeah. like this It's like the the Benitas one they used to have Yeah So you expect toity f Yeah, well get we can make a that's fge Joh, we should get a tea for that's funge. Those things must c those made. because city seems to have a new one every single game these days. Yeah made to mine the alternative Wills magazine did one for the last for the playoff, the Wilcut playoff. But they cost they got they did a big fundraiser, I think. they are expensive. should get your tefa. I'll yeah I'lly it. I'll buy a tefa as long as someone else get rid of it. I don't want it in the house. Imagine the argument with your accountant about whether you can claim for a Tifo at your own gig. Yeah. sureurely you can. It is work related. Is it wholly and exclusively? Like they could argue What else are you doing in with it? They could argue you might just put it on the front of your house. Yeah, what for What else imagine? what that would do For my children's attitudes to ego by to he fove myself in the house Yeah. you'd have to fold up. It probably takes up a room, doesn't it? One of those Yeah, you'd have to turn like a boat sail or something S something that's massive. The SSLS? Yeah The good ship C HS James So yeah, the Royal Aberhol tickets are in the main sold out which is we are at the time so maybe before It might be four hours before you hear this. This is the twentyth Junes have been released. Yeah, twenty sixth of June, the day that they came out, it is absolutely incredible when you take a step back from the madness of this that within a day it looks like we've pretty much sold out the Royal Alper haall, which is fantastic and A this, you should be very proud but it's anous' lightightly regretting arguing down the ticket price. Yeah, it's been in my head a lot this week, then Jh I believe in it. And a lot of people have commented on that The ticket pricing ye Yeahah a lot of people said well done. Yes fair play. to be reasonable. Fair play, you've done very well there in terms of the prices. So yeah, I think a few more standings have been a few standing tickets have been released. but some artists do not give an S No, ticket prices. I'll take you for all the earth. Wackem up. So we are happy with a bit of is this right, John? 'cause the dance was a long time ago So we're happy with a bit of money being left on the pavement. Yes, great Yeah. I wasn't involved in the dance. No you weren't U However, let's talk about tickets that are going far more slowly all my friends U and all my friends So I'm doing W stand up at the Estvord, which is as big as gigs get in sort of the Wels language really So I'm doing some warm upps. Now the Welsh ones have almost sold the Cardiff one has sold out and I might do a matine and the one in Gartholog on the seventeenth of july might is fairly near selling out. However all call it an act of hris, I decided to do five Wl language warm upps in London, right so twenty third of July doing an ABC in Cannington, which is my favorite gig the twenty sixth of July, I don't think I mentioned this one last week Kitten is organizing a comedy festival at Stanley Halls in South Norwood, and he's had the arrogance to do it all in Welsh He's thought I'm that good. Yeah. everyone's doing it Welsh. Celier B is doing it Welsh. I'm doing in Wsh That's the twenty sixth of july and that one's going quite slowly, I think. So if if you're in Southland. Are you doing that in Welsh? Yeah How does that work? It's part of an English language. It's an English language festival. So everyone's doing our work. Oh right. I'm doing I think I'm doing two fifteen But it's on the twenty sixth of July. Let's have a look if it's two hundred fifteen So Stanley Hall's in South Norood where I saw Griffys L Manco. greatreat venue. Yeah, two fifteen I'm doing Sunny Holes And then I'm doing first and second of August at the London Welsh Center. I'm not worried about those ones because they've got a massive. mailing lists. So I think those ones will go. And then the third of August, at Abcker ABC Cannington. So Not for me For James Gler rununs ABC and Daniel Kitsson Come on, London based Welsh speakers. How for Wales? How for Wales? How many LBWSs are there, Jon? London Welsh speakers, L London based Welsh. London bas Welhak Google this, estimates are about fifty thousand. Oh, amazing. so I should be able to sell these. You should have booked out the O two. What else are they go into? Well, I did, I did Four or five nights at the London Wellalth Centre and they all sold out last time. But obviously they've got a mass mailing list whereereas becausecause I was at ABC and I just love that room so much. I thought if I'd do it on my socials, I'm sure it'd be fine. And James very kindly allowed me to do room twice and then there's Stany Hall. So they're the ones. So twenty third of July and the third of August at ABC in Cennington and then the twenty sixth of July at two fifteen PM at Stanley Halls in South Norwood, South London It's in Welsh, okay. It's a warm up for the Estetord. Yeah, please come along. And the cigs I'm doing at the London Welsh Centre, I'm donating all of the money to the London Welsh schoolool, the Wels Language School in Hann So yeah, go to my website and my Instagram Have you heard of the Boyer Festival in Wales? No, what's that? It's a three day music festival in St. David's Why have Hemamshire? Yeah. No, I'm not. The line upp is super. Oh, I've not heard of this. It's all across the town. I love David, what town. Alexis Taylor from Hotchip Oh, cool. U My new favorite artist, I don't know how to say her name. N A M H mightight beave leave Bock. Okay Bill Ryer Jones. Oh round a horse. which great. When's this? This is in October. Ezra Furermman, Gueno. Char I love Gueno. She's the best, man. James Yorkston , Jim J Yorkson, some Mmreen Lots of Welsh language bands or Welsh bands I think you would know. We've heard about this? But it's because of a Molog sk yeah U, I I don't think that is no her name is N A I M A Bx So it's Nama, but I don't know how to say that namepolog. But her album Oh my God, is absolutely superb. C over a look at the website for this obiously. Her alm fall below a massive dark land Really brilliant. If you go to boyafestival. co. uk There's some great acts on, so I'm tempted but it is miles away. Pictures Trail. Oh that looks Pictures trail. J is Fogerty, who's amazing All right. sois is fabulous St. Davids. I'm very, very fond of St. David'. I had an amazing New Year's Eve there in two thousand six. Thank you. Yeah To go and support Alice's Alice's Welsh A big go sake yeah. Please Yeah. please. But just to be clear, there would be nothing in it for someone who doesn't speak Wlsh. No, absolutely not. No, In fact it'd be awful. How many words out of ten would they be able to understand? I swear in English. Okay Be because Welh Engish swear is better than Welh ones. Welsh ones tend to be just So I I F and Jeff in. Yeah you would. That would be quite good fun You can ck them, but please don't come because I need you to laugh not ck my swearing. Right, let's have another one of your emails. This is from Chris and it's in relation to my sock audit whichich I've got to say has gone brilliantly. I've had peopleolute game chang. I've had people text to me to ask what your sock brand of choice is and people guessing Will we have to ring fence another section of the show? Yeah Well, I have a number of different socks of collections. you haven't just gone one brand. for running. I use Sealkins blister resistant or Ben Park's running blister resistant For casual, I used to be a big next guy. Oh yeah. However, in terms of my go to crew It sts Okay, called stance sock. So I'd say stance. Yeah, stance socks. Yeah. I like I use Pringle. Do you You're a Pringle. I'm a Pringle gy. I'm a Pringle popper. What's your sock, you can't stop. Yeah, correct. Ellice, your sock of choice, Nike And I like to give it an I ke, of course, don't? Okayt Do give it its proper branding title please. So anyway, hello to the Three Kings of Cent. After hearing about John's Sock audit last week, I had to get in touch to tell you about my pant situation A few years ago I had a thought, I love that this thought was a few years ago. What if I never had to wear bad pants ever again Oes that always get shoved to the back of the drawer and only get worn on as a last resort when all others are in the laundry basket. I decided I no longer wanted to be someone who wore lastast resort pants I decided to undertake reset. I did this. Six months ago, super. It's quite expensive, isn' it? a big pan rea It's for punt peace of mind I bought a couple of test pairs to assess their build quality and comfort. That's exactly what I did with my socks. Cool. And when I was sufficiently satisfied with their performance, I pulled the trigger and bought a dozen more. That's right All my pants are mega pants Makes them sound that they're all absolutely massive. It's a process I'd recommend to literally everybody. Having a drawer full of identical pants has given me peace of mind and is a small rock of stability in an increasingly chaotic and confusing world Thanks for all the laughs and good vibes. I wish you luck on your own mega pants journey. Lots of love, Chris You I mean, you can put a price in. It is good, I think to keep pairs of horrendous pants back becausecause if you've got twelve pairs of megap pants, That's your day to day punts wearing. And what will happen if life becomes overwhelming? Or you sail yourself bigig twelve are outote of action and then of the drawer you'll have a just in case pair of pants. then why not just buy fourteen mega pants? Because what happens is if you've 're they're all in play then. You need some pants that are not in play for that. It might only happen once a year. So you're not intending to use them. Yeah, yeah They're not even emergency pants, They're emergency emergency pants. I had to use my emergency emergency pants a couple of weeks ago. But I'm actually glad I hadn't check those ones out. What Chris is saying is that If you have two bad pairs, they will inevitably become part of the rotation. No, that's the thing. they don't because they're bad what happens is your know I know what you mean. Because if it's like, oh, I need to do a wash because I've run out of great pants. Oh I got my old crappy. No, because you've got the twelve rotation pants and that's, you know. ninety nine percent of the time, they're the pants you're wearing. That's your starting lineup. That's your starting lineup. and then you'll be aw or something would have happened Oh my Godd. or you might be been ill and you haven't done a wash and you're like Big twelve are all soiled Yeah, but then just h the big four team. No, no no, but but like name a fifty man squad. No What happens to the world Because then as long as you're seeing bigig twelve available. you're kind of pl And that should be enough. There should be pants that you've forgotten about And then on the rare occasions you haven't done a wash. Yeah, it's just like an emergencyash. But only having mega pants means you're never in that situation because you're like, o, I'm running out tomorrow, I have to do a wash. Yeah Yeah, there have been times where I know that I'm running out, but I'm unell or something or I'm away and I haven't been able to do a wash. And then there's this weird sort of set of disgusting puns that I wouldn't even look at usually I guess you are You are allowing for failures that me and Chris wouldn't allow And that's fair enough because that's your Panta P. But I why this failure will happen One sonamim Once per raom. It wouldn't happen once anom play per A random Or once a year. either way I think I've got cognitive decline. No. Do I know an example of my cognitive decline I I was comparing yeah, and another one. I was comparing the Bristol Cedy Garden last Saturday. Great fun brilliant lineup. Yeah. lotots of good comedians on the bill. did I was home seeing, I was doing a bit of chat and I chatted to a lady called Olivia and I was trying to make the point that I like the name Olivia But I don't know the name Ollier Yeah. Is this going be at the ro sold out? We saw that out now, John. We made it huge for But then As I entered into my riff matrix I couldn't remember which was the male one it was the male one I didn't like. So I was like, o no, no, which one are you? She's like, Olivia. ye Oh ye, which one don't I like? She wass like Olivever. I was like, ye, yeah, I thought my I need to go for a scam. Does Kitsson know about this before he booked you for that festiv? It never happenens him much l in Welsh. So weird That's good and never forget words. That's encouraging Um Well like I would I mean, listen to me on deolingo. All I am is cognitive decline in French Yeah, it's really weird Well, let's finish with a Mad Dad. and I believe, Dave, we've got a new license free jingle. Oh yes, for licensing reasons. we do have a new exciting Mad Dad's jingle. My dad, when he brought his first non stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it. Actual real wooden cloths He set about eating what must have been north of twenty four egg cannopies. He then proceeded to forty litres or so. want to the tim and strik a mad That D don't mind it. I like that. I don't mind that one. It's very Rd Hot chili peppers. Give it away, give it away, give it away. is. There a bit of royal blood in there, but crucially none of those. Yes, because it is licensed. It No it's licensed. It's beens copyright subscribed. What was that Rd Hot Chili pepper song with the Duff title melody and melody and the Hooby Joobies or something. Something yeah, melody and in B flat, B flat bonkers Right then, this is from Izzy James. coincidently the name that Ellis's wife could have had if she'd had any sense I don't. Did you say that? was it an email? Is it an email? you? Oh God no. I know how important Izzy's brand is. Yeah to Ellison Is he limited. Izzy says Shemi Babans. Oh, hello babies. I felt compelled to write in after listening to episode five hundred nineteen in which Jhn suggested someone should Perfect glp I don't remember that. When you were questioning why the human race hasn't figured out a way of adding fiber to bacon. This really is all things to all people or nothing to no one. This. I don't remember this you. Why don't you just add fiber to bacon? I think I was saying? What was this? Normal bacon? F one nine. It wasn't that long ago. To create a kind of mega breakfast food Yeah Right. Well, John, my dad is already one step ahead of you. After seventy years of tobacco whiskey, instant coffee and ready meals, it sounds like bliss. Dad decided it was time to get healthy. Fair play to in myself because an awful lot of people Once theyig get to sent he just don't care. But he's making an effort I adm. I'd withhold your fair place we get to the end. After a brief and misguided soup era, broccoli, a whole block of stilton sardines and veggie sausages blended Oh my Lord. He pivoted to his greatest invention, G Gloop is essentially a smoothie, but it's also so much more than that In goals. In goes a whole cartton of soy milk, a lot of frozen fruit, date syrup, honey Gv A coffee? I think Aee. A tiniest smidge of protein, powder, dried apricots, olive oil, avocado, kiwi with a skin on, apple juice and Greek yogurt Once blended, Dad finds it too cold to drink, so here comes maybe the maddest bit of the whole procedure. He leaves the glass on the radiator for at least fifty minutes to warm up. As you drink it, he repeatedly says, I think my body likes me having all the fruit. That's hilarious That so fun pointints at the glass going look how thick it is. It's so gloopy Dad is seventy two. Te will tell if he's accidentally in invented the mega food. Turah, Izy James I mean, if you break it down, soy milk, frozen fruit, date syrup, honey, agave, protein powder, dried apricots, olive oil, avocado, kiwi, apple juice and Greek yogurt. It's sort of workse.. It's better than, you know, a bowl of cringching and a cornflakes and a can of monsters isnt it? I think the soup is madder. Yeah, block of Stilton, sardines, veggie sausages blend up. Well, the broccoli in Stilton is a classic staple. But the chuckking in the sardines. And the veggies sausages. Yeah Anyway, good luck to him. Well done. Mellowship S slinky and B major. That's it Speaking of great music I'll have to take that tonight. are you? Wh I cannot wait. How many of the original members three? Three left. So no Robby and no Jason, O in? No Jason. It was Howard Mark and Howard Marks Howard, Mark and Gary. Yes. Okay God, you forgot Gary. Yeah, yeah, weird.sliming. So me and Hannah watched the documentary a couple of weeks ago when It's great, isn't? It's so good. And then I was very lucky to get tickets for this Friday, so Hannah's coming down, I was going gonna surprise her But then she saw me do a cheeky look at Dad when she said, I'd love to go and watch take that. And I looked at Dad in a way that she's like, Ohh clearly Dave's got me tickets for take that. The surprise was ruined within a minute. Where have you seen her? I seen them. London Stadium, West Aam Grief. I suppose they're a big deal. Well, they would have gone for Weembley, but Harry Styles is at Weembbley So wow. They would have done Wemberly Every train I'm on Well I'm coming and out of London is sttyyles to the max. Syles have been sttyyles for weeks. Yeah. People with sttyles flags Well, he's doing like loads and loads days, isn't he? And then he's going to Madison Square Garden and doing loads and loads of days. It's quite a big deal these days oldld sttyles. Yeah. Well, I get a lot of sttyles content because of when I did the Hcky Half, I still get lots of running stuff on my Instagram Yes And he's a sub three hour marathon. he's got fantastic legs. He's got nice legses. And he wears really short shorts. Yeah Lovely to look at Well, that's why I got my shorter shorts for the marathon based on styles. styles Yeah. But you know, no one's got styles, his legs. So's tr. I'm trying to find my favourite which is about take that, but I can't find it anymore A tip about take that. Tap twips. What was Tap twips?ight Vis is top tips. Oh yeah. so funny. but It's eluding me, but it's about to take that and you too I'll find it. We'll get it on it, We'll get it in let drop it in It's very exciting. I actually can't wait The twenty five year old Dave Masterman would Por scorn on that. Yeah. He would look down on what I'm about to do and go, what are you doing? you're an Indian lad. but they had some absolute bangers. abbsolute bangers. So excited. But for good, never forget. I didn't take that. I saw them at Hyd Park. Did you? Yeah, good Why were you there Stovent? It was It wasn't my choice. It was a prior associate's choice. Okay What was odd is that they like opened with this sort of classical pianist on his own sort of for quite a while. No he's called Gry Barlow Um And but yeah, they were good. The songs are fantastic. Yeah, big old hits. It's like a show apparently like it's more of a show than it is, a gig because of the visuals and stuff. It's gonna to be dead dead. It's gonna be dead, but by that time of the evening, it's just a sunsetting It's which is my favorite part of the day. It's been hot all day, but it's starting to cool off I think it's perfect. Are we going to London Stadium in October and in January? Oh, in January, 'cause Swanans are playing Westam. There you go. Yeah because Westam we got relegated day. Of course Yeah of course, yeah. Can't wait. Yeah. nice. What are you doing this weekend Jon? nothing that's it then. Yeah. Thank you very much. I've gotta find E.ost We're gonna get sc time. I've got a screenshot of it to find his top twip But it's Don't worry just bear with me for half an hour. Have you Googled take that to Twitch? Yes. H here we go. I've got it. G it. Thank God for that I have never been a fan of You two or Take That. Several years ago my two children bought a copy of You two's latest album and Take That's Back for Good single from our local HMV What I said to them was this You too can take back you too and back for good by take that back for good and that. How still this find this amusing? Do I win a for? How is that lodged in your brain? When did you last read that? That was in Viz in like the early two thousands. Really? and that's still in your head. You too can take back you two and back for good by take that back for good and that. And But I remember one the most I've ever left at Viz was an article about a guy finding annt from Ant and deck in his cream egg