Mad dads and embarrassing behavior

Hello everyone, The Ellison John cinematic universe is now available to all. Yes, head to patreon dot com slash Ellison John for Lords of extra content, including our brand new film series The Adventures of Ellis and John, fully visualised podcast episodes twice a week and behind the scenes bonus content. So to watch shows, get ad free episodes and come on adventures with me, Ellis and Dave Patreon. com slash Ellison John. Podcast powers the world's best podcast Here's a show that we recommend Hello, hello. It's Brooke Davvard from Naked Beauty. Join me each week for unfiltered discussion about beauty trends, self care journeys, wellness tips, and the products we absolutely love and cannot get enough of. If you are a skincare obsessive and you spend twenty plus minutes on your skincare routine, this podcast is for you. Or if you're a newbie at the beginning of your skincare journey, you'll love this podcast as well because we go so much deeper than beauty. I talk to incredible and inspiring people from across industries about their relationship with beauty. You'll also hear from skincare experts. We break down lots of myths in the beauty industry. If this sounds like your thing, search for Naked Beauty on your podcast app and listen along. I hope you'll join us ACAS powers the world's best podcasts H's a show that we recommend A photographer in Texas earns an extra forty seven thousand dollars a year shooting Star Wars cosplay portraits. A teacher in Maryland turns her woodworking hobby into a five figure side income without leaving the classroom. And a couple in Pennsylvania will rent you backyard chickens for the season, so you can try the egg laying life without commitment. My name is Chris Gillibo, I'm the host of sideide Hustle School I share these kinds of stories every single day. In detail with full transparency about the numbers. The point isn't just to inspire you, it's to show you what's possible. Proof that ordinary people are quietly building extra income in surprising ways, including a few ideas you can borrow. Less than ten minutes a day, every day, subscribe or follow sideide Hustle School wherever you get your podcasts. or find us directly at sidehustlesschool dot com ACast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere Akast. com Hello, thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellison John and it's a slightly different atmosphere I today's recording because it's an evening session. That's right, so there's a little bit more jazz, it's a little bit more soho. It's a little bit more laid back, Dave, would you say? because the recording studio we're in is completely empty and the cafe is closed. Yeah I'm going to get hungry Dave. It's Tuesday evening. It throws me a bit. I can't lie. I'm more than happy to be here by the way, just to flag more than happy actually. But it's weird kind of Fridays are our day. Friday is our jam. Yeah. And to come in on a Tuesday and be on a four hour train because there were cows on the line and they'd lost the farmer It puts in a slightly different vibe to you know, a casual two hour trip. Was it long until he got moving? I made that joke to one of my producers. Well you didn't say it out loud. so I John went my joke. Yeah yeah, John got into sow quiff again. He did So they moved the cows. We were gonna have to go via Coventry at one point. Really? So the cows couldn't hear you J'ust becausecause the cows are on the line. Can you not just like ge like just edge the train into their bums? clit the heel a little bit. But you could like like if you were sort of a gentle bum. A gentle like when a cyclist is just taking too long at the lights, just a gentle kind of nudge into the back. What is a big rev? Yeah, just a big rev Can you rev a train? I'm not sure you can rev a train Yes you. We'll just get the driver to hang out the window make the noise. I mean, I've just done it. You are. was joking about nudging the s you were there. No you were joking U the cows. know sometimes. U the cows? Well but I think the cows like if you were going at one mile an hour I mean come on, we got to get Britain moving. cows Cows have got the trains have got big horns. So of cows, Yeah. Just give it a bast of that. Yeah, It's gonna terrify a cow, isn't it? What were they doing, Dave I don't know, becauseuse I got a message from one of my old producers at my old place of work saying, I've cancellled my trip because there's cows on the line good And then two hours later, he says, What are you up to? Be he he needed me for something He saidays, I' on the way to London. He he said, Did you not get my message earlier? I've had to come home because there's cows on your line. You are going to be buggered And I said, well, I didn't put soities together. Sorry, Pete, but now I am on the train and And he go, Well, you know're going to get there. Anyay, luckily the cows then moved, they found the farmer Yeah. And then we didn't have to go via Coventry We just had to go the usual route via Milton Keyes. And I got here and it's fine. it's fine. I'm actually fetching on as I get older And I have to make this bloody journey twice a week now it seems most weeks. I'm pretty chilled about delays now Like because it was meant to be a two hour journey and it was three and h delay course about U delays on the train but never in the car I find delays in the car hugely stressful if there's of thing Yeah. It just vape and we're in the passengersat footw. It great. Much more pleasant being in the car. Eip cyclists wheels. Yeah. Dave, maybe common Zense is rubbing off on you Yeah your train is already delayed. Oh Alice. another word. The train may never arrive Because you know, you've let go he's there. But you've let go of the destination No, I was holding on to the destination as the reason why I was happy to be on the train. What does that mean? Well, because you love me and Llla so much. Yeah because I was looking forward to hang out. I was cycling in and I thought to myself, I'm just going start the show by saying I love you to John D. Why did I forgot I forgot that I loved you I was second through left projection, I thought that's how I'll start. It's med to start Friday. I'll just tell John Dave I love them And then we can move on. There was a cyclist in Herneill on a lovely bike and Also the possessor Gorgeous body So if you're the man who is by the lights near Brockwell Park at about flo in aa b on a clla bike It' just like the lonely hearts corner of Matro newspaper was gorgeous. Was he? Was it just his physique or was did you see his face? H he feel like a kind man? His face was headun because he had shades on and a helmet So I couldn't really get a good look on his at his face, but his body was quite something, wasn't don know that I cycled off Well, I didn't expect You two to be so flustered because I'm flustered. Wh I'm flustered? because you forgot to do your intro for Tuesday? No Because I ate a fancy lunch in London's happening central locations too late. Why is that flust to you? it's a nice thing to do? No, hang on. hang on hang on, let's do the thing But the lunch has already happened, or you've already had a fancy lunch or you didn't have a fancy lunch sure. No, I did have a fancy lunch, but it was too fancy for me. Okay. The flavourors were too exotic. Tal There were churning aroundound in my tummy and I ordered too many courses. Yeah. orrder then you got here and you had a flat yard of brownie. I know. Did you need that Yeah, and I went for ice cream somewhere else afterwards S control. But it was a fancy resta. You're dying Is this it ! Have you decided to say no to tment And you're just gonna enjoy your last few weeks. No No I'm not actually dying. No, quite ling.ite the Qite the opposite. I'm full of life. cring justust with really bad skin U Bones, all right? Dave' had an absolute car crash this week, but we'll get ont to that later. maybe. U But no, I went to L at it, no your skin's fine. No, it's quite bad there You have no idea how many creams are currently on me I'm more cream than skin right now. They're working. Thanks. Youovate doing a big old shit. Yeah. But there's nothing more frustrating than using creams and then for them not to work. Yeah. And then you get into a situation where you're not sure which cream has made it better and worse. Yeah. And so you end up in a cream spiral. Yeah. And then someone suggests like using natural clay. A you think I can't add something else to the mix? No, no matter how natural it is. Yeah, because I need to know what my irritants are. Have you considered rolling in morning do Yeah, like it was the summer, so I you know. Th then it turnounds like you're allergic to morning, do you And the anyway, Anyway, and breezed. So yeah, I went to this fancy restaurant And u It was sort of A modern take on Mexican fish Okay, so there was u raaw mackerel in a orange and lemon and soy and chili and sesame sauce, which every time I tasted it felt like I couldn't understand what it was. so many flavores It was insane Then there was monk fish on smoked cream sauce and spinach, which was too much. That sounds amazing though. I couldn't cope with all the different flavors. That's your mentality. I know, it's just too rich is what I'm trying to say, but very nice. And then I just thought course is too many, I think, and then I had ice cream and a brownie So I'm in a kind of u sort of stomach confusion mode. And also I'm not used to eating like fancy food before doing the show. I'm used to eating eggs on toast. Yeah, but that sounds amazing. You've got to live a little john. I am, I did. I am. you did. That's what I was doing. Would you like giant mononkfish? I used to love it Oh yeah. Yeah, and then more recently, what's it done to you? I don't know. It's just arere we the Thimes food supplement? I I think I've had monk fish maybe three times in my life. Oh about it loads. we always have it in Portugal. D? Yes. But it's just it's a very meaty fish. It is a meaty fish Yeah, just too many sort of interesting flavours Yeah have just got obsessed with having some custard So I had a coffee that's also custard. It's called a costado. I it ye Wow, wereere you with people? Yeah Y. Were you with Jacket? quest. No because it's I don't know if this feels more acceptable because I bet they're up there're all shipping in as well, aren't they? They're having a bit of monkf fish. Oh big time, it was all cherseies. Yeah great. Yeah. Who are you drinking custard coffee with? A lady. Oh. Wow. Yeah C I guess Madame, don't God don't. Please God don't one red enough as it is. Holly Vallence? Yes it was, and I didn't listen to any of her political views She's the one that's gone very right wing, isn't it? Yeah a little bit. I just asked her about neighbors and said I don't want to hit anything about you when it finish. Just neighbors mem Neighbors. neighbors memor. Why I booked you. And the impact of kiss Kiss. What's that? H sing her big here. Yes. I said, I just want to talk about neighbourors, the single I've never heard of Because I want to learn about it and that's it. And when I say booked, I meant through like a talent agent. through her agent. like an official. It cost me six grraam. Yeah because you can get valance sixscause you need buy the meal as well. Because you needed company for your co for your custard coffee. Yeah. Yes, I did. Yeah she's not singing Kiss kiss as a part of the six Gam package. A twelve. Wow, How are you E? I'm allright. I'm trying to think about what I've done We're all right, you know, we can we can keep podding on. We can talk about my skin Yeah, you're sucky skin? I think I'm allergic to histamines Did I mention that last week? Yes. you mentioned Kim she Bloody things off. what is it called which I thought was a type of Audi. Sneak pink cold Hive producer Have you had lots of quadnik in your life And does it bring you out in a really painful, stinging, burning face rush U what the hell is adnique? It's the pink It's the pink stuff that John talks about last week. The soup, the be beet root and Kfir was my big error. Why do I have to keep putting this code into bloody whatsApp? I'm not an idiot I'm not going to forget my pIin number. What code? Every week you have to put your two step verification code in so you don't forget it because they think you're a thick own. Oh, I've not got two stepification. Oh, okay. Oh you take it off, live a little. L it off. What's that say the mugeredia whats up to Delta Goodrum? Noelt Hollyword L J when it was brring Delta into this. She's Which one are we talking about Holly Valanceced today? Delta Budram actually sung it this year's Eurvision song contest? Yes. Holly Valance didn't Yeah What's this thing now about having to have a username on WhatsApp? Oh, yeah, grabed mine. you grabed yours Oh no sld? I know. what's the for? is it What is the world all about Can they not just be John? No, because ob John's taken by John one. John onene. in from America who lives in Silicon Valley and has got John. John nineteen eighty two. No all gone. Yeah, all the good onens Masteren had gone when I tried to get Mas. but it's so that like A, it makes out that it's about security, but it's not, it's about linking WhatsApp with Instagram so they have more of your information. I get absolute Mate, Is that your opinion or Holly valence? fact? no that's quad. Q That that's quadnqu. Oh, Quad anne. I've got it. Well, it's nice, but my skin was that colour the next day. Did it pop an egg on it? Yeah, whack an egg on it. Oh pop an egg on it. Anthing's better than an egg. I't need I don't need U a username on my Whatsup? Have I just not updated it? Is that the issue? think You've probably got a little notification.. I win again. Well, I'm not doing it. I did it. You don't need to use it. It's just reserved. I've got it. I've got I've got it. What do you mean you don't need to use it? Well, they say grab it now and then if you want to use it at any point. Well if you're born in a million years time, they' all have gone No Yeah, as always that. Oh what will happen then is people will select usernames based on their like what they like. when they're sort of sixteen. so there'll be an awful lot of like Pokemon based usernames, which should be very embarrassing then when you're sort of thirty five. But it'll end up having to be just random numbers, like a strong password Yes,'t it Yeah they'll run out of things that make sense. Y. What a shame. Johnny JayL was taken to Johnny Jayer. Yeah someome silicon valley Megab mind has got Johnny JR? Nadic Revery I didn't want to link it to my Instagram because I don't want anyone don't want to talk to anyone. All right. why would I do it ' not sure I do want to talk to someone Fonbry Iicon Oh ye. What about that Thornby Thornbury's finest. Yeah. I was gonna to say Bristol's finest next, but yeah, Thorby I on Bristol's finest But also the whole point is it's there to give to someone who can contact you who you don't want them to have your number. Yes. So much in like going on a date and saying, and you're not quite sure about the person. So they're like, canan I have your number and you can go My username instead. Yeah that's a bit of like awkward 'cause you're like, I don't want to give you my number. Thornby icon Thbry icon Yeah. Now how about that coffee custard? Why can't things just stay the same? Yes Yes, yes, I'm with you. Yeah. Um So yeah, that's, I mean, that's it. I went for a fancy lunch and my skin's been bad. Well do you want to talk about skin? because we've an email about it Hi, John, I've suffered with red facial flare up for the last decade or so I've tried everything recommended by professionals in inverted commas often creams orointments of considerable cost that offered no long term improvements A while ago I was discussing gut health with a nutritionist and she suggested I may a build up a yeast in my gut floora. C laughing at little person laugh at the word yeast. Yeah that caused yeast needs a rebrand. one hundred percent. Very good point. They've got a PR It's not good PR for you. No ye. marketing board are bad. Yeah. They should do on the apprentice. Yeah. R for years now Ive thought that yeast needs a rebraound and I don't want to learn a took Yeah I want you to come up with a new name and a new brand strategy for yeast. Okay, mega yeasts. No. that's a loed t. I used to sell yeast out of the back of a van, buy for a pound sell for two Yeah, Is that what he sounds like? Yeah, is's actually, that's not bad I may have a buildup of yeast in my gut flora that caused the facial flare up. So recommendation was to drink a shot of apple cider vinegar or add the said shot to pint of water every day. Since doing this for the last few months, the improvements have been incredible It's not very tasty, that's right, because as he puts it on salads, but you will get used to it, notothing to lose, try it for a month and monitor the results. loveo the show, Paul, John thoughts. Thanks, Paul I'm I'm sort of when it comes to skin and stomachs. I' very reluctant to give any advice because it's such a vague sensitive area that could be so many different things. Yeah. But I did I have been in so many long chats with AI about this New York about like health stuff And I did actually look up apple cider vinegar And the thing is I think I've got rosacea, which is triggered by high histamine foods. I'm being cool. I'm being cool. and Vinegar and fermented foods are two of the big triggers which both make up apple cider vinegar So I don't think that's for me. but it may well be for others. All right then this is in reference to something stupid I said last week Hello you trio of cooled cucumbers, Hearing Alice and Dave state the obvious to their respective baristas and kitchen staff I want to tell you some of the DAaf things I've heard in my hot job TM. You see, I'm a glass blower. Whoa, love that. I mean, this was us talking about people who can't protect themselves from the heat in their work. Yeah, and I went into my local coffee shop and it must have been forty degrees and then I went, Oh was it hotbooking in here all day And the lovely Lady Birg Blind the council said Yes, and I thought because it is hot. It is. that's on me Yeah I'm a glass blower which makes me simultaneously incredibly cool and astonishingly warm. To give you a bit of context, the furnace runs at approximately eleven hundred degrees centigade Theheating chambers, officially known as glory holes, but that feels like a broadcasting minefield, run at around twelve hundred and sixty degrees centig grade And we also have to run kilns at around five hundred and twenty five degrees centigres to enneal the glass to avoid thermess shocks longong story short. Everything's hot On days like today, the ambient temperature at the equipment end of the roomor can exceed fifty five degrees centigrade No thanks. How do you spell no thanks in big letters in sppray paint, Dave? because that's what I'm spraying on the kiln. Yeah. No thanks to you. In our studio, we often run classes for people to come and see this ancient craft in action, have a goal themselves to experience the molten materials. Once someone asked if wed take any specific vitamins or medications to deal with the heat So it difficult to hold a polite expression when I explained that no, there is no magic pill that can turn our skin into heat resistant meat caseing O no spells in all of witchcraft that could give us the ability to carry out our high intensity work in those conditions without mentally submerging ourselves in glacial lagoons I'll let you in on a secret though. The only thing that sustains us on these hot, hot days is pure passion for the craft L nice. So Lucy absolutely loves being a glass bllower. fantastic. The one incident that truly fries my fits though, is when a lady was handling the glass with a pair of metal tweezers. Her hands slipped as she tried to dip them in water to cool them off causing it to jab me in the hand with approximately six hundred degrees centigrade metal Now this bit amazed me, right Did she apologize, you ask? Did she grow agghast with shame and horror Did she drop to her knees and plead forgiveness? No, she just laughed. Quite a concerning amount and meus at least it wasn't somewhere else. That woman's crazy. That's mad because she's burned. feel' burning A stranger with metal at six hundred degrees centigrated Carmth. you have to apologize. I would say the apology is necessary all the way down to sixty degrees. Yeah. Yeah. U sixty you could say, well, to be fair, that's a household radiator. Yeah, or you know, that's a hotpoon from Capat. Yes whichich an ex girlfriend reminds to do to me all the time. Bit didn't really really love it. But yeah one o to bit a bter. My dad used to do it to me. Oh Yeah ye. Well that it's quite traditional b.ood It's good, honest humor, Jhn. Lve a little. If like he would say Dave if the spoon was going around the table, just the cup of tea, as he hands you the spoon go to hand it and he'll put it on somethingself of you. Yes off of your hand. Yeah, yeah, you took No you came from broken homes broken relationships. you too take a sp a cup of teedi, go, sorry and then you just press it into someone's hand. fininally, Dave, we get him on how do you cope We finally found something. There the spoons all along No, she just laughed. absolutely amazing. I'm not sure it was intended as a threat, the glint in her eye as she looked me up and down to deliver that line, which was at least it wasn't somewhere else definitely made it feel like one, sending air conditioned vibes and the sweet relief of a breeze and solidarity to all of the PCD's with hot jobs, Chill as D dgards, and Comortable wishes, Lucy. me I don't want to be burned No, God no. And it's coming back next week. Yeah Keat Wavever getting. I you back Yeah, another week of thirty plus. I think it might absolutely ruin my kids sports day Oh,ouse has already been cancelled. That's it?'s it? It's been delayed for another day. Hannahs lived because we're gonna to be on a Thursday, and Hannah has Thurdays off And then last Thursday it got cancellled because the he announce on a Tuesday. soanna can't go So she's B sadious. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts Here's a show that we recommend. If you've ever dreamed of quitting your job to take your side hustle full time, listen up This is Nikla Matthews Aome, host of Side Hustle Pro, a podcast that helps you build and grow from passion project to profitable business. Every week, you'll hear from guests just like you who wanted to start a business on the side. If you can't run a side hustle, you can't run a business. They share real tips. And so I started connecting with all these people on LinkedIn and I saw Target supplier diversity was having office hours. Real advice. Procrastination is the easiest form of resistance and the actual strategies they use to turn their side hustle into their main hustle. Getting back in touch with your tangible cash and sitting down and learning to give your money a job like it changes something. Check out Side Hustle Pro every week on your favorite podcast app and YouTube ACast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere AS. com We've had an email about how handsome Ellice is Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah And I wonder if there's a witch's curse And Alice gets more handsome the worse my skin gets Yeah maybe maybe he is the b I am the portrait of Ellis in the attic. Yes. But I'm fine with it because he You know,. Yeah, yeah, yeah but, you know, everyone needs their moment to shine even though if I did get an attack of the flakes whilst chatting with a Music industry executive the other day And I looked in the mirror in a shop and I was trying on sunglasses and I was like, I can't believe I spoke to someone that knowed. to apply a lot of cream join this. They won't have noticed. That's the thing you need to remember that no one ever notices. Yes, well, anyway, Jill gets in touch to say, I'm writing to you from across the pond in the lovely city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania I stumbled upon your podcast many months ago from a viral Cry connection on Instagram. thenen recognized as Taskmaster favorite of mine and I've ever s the week going out with Jill. I've been a loyal listener for some time now, but I have branched out to watch the videos on YouTube occasionally today whilst rewatching and laughing at the Charlie's Thoromit I noticed how lovely Ellis was looking I hope this is not appropriate I do think that a touch of grrey at his temples and in his beard are extremely dignified Maybe it's the long torso solidarity I feel with him I believe he's only getting better with age. He is the book. Very true. He is Aitted decline be damned. Ellis, please never die it. Would you? What a lovely surprise. Okay's always gone Oki. I have gone Oki Because physically I was an absolute horror show in my teens. God you were. It' very thin and indie looking.n'. And I remember asking Young lady out in utter gig and she said, No, thank you because you're gaunt kind of part of the vibe, isn't it being an indie fan in the ninet? Yeah, but also I just I just was very thin, but nowadays I probably would have joined a gym But that wasn't really an option in nineteen ninety six. So I just had to live with the fact that I was extremely thin. Yeah Yeah There's nothing really I could do about it 'cause I was eating. Then you went through pork pie phase and then you realized young enough that that was the wrong approach. Pork pie phase. God, I saw a phot of my pork pie face I just came up by my phone. What was it? What was the pork? It looks like the pork p. most the photo I've got of Ellice's contact photo on my phone right? It was actually John's influence. I'd never tried a pork pine before Really? You got I went for I did a kig in Brzol. And I stayed at John's house and we went to the Highbry vaults, I think, and did they sell pork pies when the p? with them mustard? With mustard. It gota be. And they gave me a pork pie with mustard and changed my life And it was an absolute taste transition. And I ate It was pork, it was pie, it was mustard. And I ate p pies and mustard before bed Every night for about two years and It made me a right little tubby so and so. Yeah. And then I remember But now he's a beefcake, not a pork pie. And then I remember looking at my belly hanging over my pajam bottoms one evenvening f to bed the thinking something must be done. Got a go pork pie. I've got a photo of me from twenty fifteen where I'm wearing a Rudolph Christmas jumper and Rudolph's nose is sort of elongated into a liipse And it was like, oh God. this is it. This is what they talk about. This is what, you know, when your dad's kind of going, o, you won't till you get to my a I think F dad Y. I'm young. But when you're mort. But when you're gaunt or when you have been gaunt, you think that you can eat pork pies at midnight every night for the rest of your life And then you do get to thirty two or thirteen in my case It has a terrible impact. Jill's email meant an awful lot and I will probably print it out. Thank you, Jill.. My beard is weird. I an't shave like last week, ex technical Tim couldn't be asked And I thought I'd add acia And then I looked to the mirror and realized it's not all the patient. It's just this massive white flash. accross my face, which I didn't realized before It now you've got a good little spread of the graze. You it's in weird bits. So I don't think it looks as dignified as. Oh, I think it looks very dignified. Also your hair still looks very cool U well, it seesters I cycled in, but u Dignity that's Gveott to aim for that. I' get older, ha't you? Dignity, then dignitass. That's my goal. God, Jn And then repatriate the body, compost it, follow the instructions and the what three words in my will and you know, spread me amongst nature. That's great. That's what I want. It is great It is great. It's just it anorrthodox Yeah, I think itll probably become more common. Yeah. But it's not yet. And so every time you say it it's not yet legal. None Isn't that mad though? You can burn a body and release carbon into the atmosphere but you can't compost it. Well, how long would it take to comp not Itakes six weeks? What and the bones as well I don't know about the bones mayaybe they grind them up and put them in the compost. You could put fish bones in your garden. Yeah for the flowers, but not old Johnny J. R bones Um, could I not just like chuck you into a canal or something? I wouldn't mind I would I mean the dream is to just be left in the woods. Yeah. No. Yeah and then for. Well though this is the problem. It would have to be a private wood. Yeah. You can do that if you leave your body to criminal science places maybe just in America. What do you mean by that where you leave your body to them and they have this enclosure. where different body parts are left out in the wild so they can monitor how they decompose in order to be able to work out when they find a body. How long since it died EG what larvae at work on it That is a bit of you, it's a bit of me. That is a bit of you. We should write that down because that could be quite useful. It is useful, but composting first. Okay I'm trying to think what else I could do with John's body that quick and you know, have ecologically sound Pop it in a big tree house really high up, like a sort of bird feeder but with a corpse in it They do that in some cultures. The pillars of the dead, if you're Zoroastrian They just put your body on a big pillar in the birds packet until it's all gone. Well, the Famadiana, of course, the turning of the bones. What I've talked about this? H we? Yeah, there's an area in the world I wna say Madagascar.' okay, but it's not s I don't know. I can't remember. Turning the bones where every seven years, they unwrap the shrouds from the time your body. They celebrate your body. get you're on their shoulders, all the family members, then they rewrap you up again, then put you into every seven years, they kind of recelebrate until there's nothing left. And I want to turning of the bones from Adiana. But I want to return into the soil Yeah, it's not that. No. I don't want to be kept for Ellis to unwrap every seven years It's not a little presas, though, but you would enjoy it No I wasn't brought up in that culture. so I would find it quite traumatic, I think Oh yeah,d be crazy to do in books. Oh god he'd be in his Magnolia electric company t shirt just round a load of decomposing bones and flesh. It's good Lovely charts. What else have we got, ey? Well, there's news from the broader world of the Ellison Johns cinematic Universe because The latest addventure of Ellison John is released today. Yes. And it's a two partarter. It's a monster. Yeah. It's our Godfather parts one and two. Yeah. I loved it. I watched it yesterday It's so entertaining. John's an absolute natural at broadcasting from behind the wheel. I thought he was going to say nightman. a bit of both. bit of both? Yes, a bit of both. Station to station. Yes, where Ellis and I visit some service stations and we got a bit of a clip for you There there he is. Look at him. He's not recording in portrait, is he after I' tolds recording landscape? I filming the right of the road.'s not here. That's not aar. sureurely not Lunscape Ellis, Lunscape, Landscape. Landcape. Yeah, there you go. Chaps, are we ready? For the Coffee Conundrum challenge? one hundred percent. Here's what I've done. I've bought three This is the conundrum, How can I stay dry in the rain? The more you interrupt, Alice, the longer we are out in the rain. Okay. Okay? understand. shut you home. Welcome to the Coffee cononundrum Challenge, of course. I have gone and bought three mystery coffees. Are we sharing the coffee? No, you got a coffge. Okay, so the's six. Yeah, the six. You put that on the company, ye. Yeah. I I actually called you Oh first of all we're not turn in a profit dude. I you do this every day. Butin versus history doesn't have to worry about the coffee, suppose Driving shades, yes. let's get it. Okay, you keep your hands on the steering wheels, Job Space cop John Robins. Dark Force Elite ops reporting for duty There's a problem in alpha centuri quadrant.. We're sending our best man He's a rogue, he's a renegade, but he gets the job done Can we trust him? You don't know Robins. He dressed like a sy. I'm a space cop. sorry Why are these just driving glasses, Joh? Because every girl I have ever had in my life has vetoed me from wearing them outside the car So they are my car space c driving busasses. Cool. Wh't let your girlfriends in car? No because they don't let me out of the car wearing sunglasses It's a bit of fun. It's a bit of fun. was do we travel across the four service stations of the M twenty five. Yeah. and we rate each one A lot of fun in between the rating as well. And you know what? a lot of blooming camaraderie had in the back of the Kportage. I thought. I thought we all came a little bit closer together. I when you made us taste coffee in the rain And I actually o that would be a spoiler if I told you what I was justified. Yeah. there very is banned from South Denis There was a bit John I don't cover talk to you about this because it stressed me out for bit.av was when John was in the toilet And we got told off. No. We did get told off of film. Did you? I was in the toilet for ages. Yeah. Two curries. Because you had two curries so And in the forty minutes we were in the toilet, we had probably a thirty nine minute dressing. No way. From whom? Well, headad Office were there on a random day that Head Office were at one of the service stations because they were there for another media interview. This MIMS? MIMs, yes. Y MIMs the first one. It was fine, by the way. It was fine. But Did you say we emailed you? Yeah, yeah, but they said, o, and did we responded and we went,, you know t t tinkles. It's tough tinkles. I said to I said tough tinkles. Maybe you want to respond to people making content about your brand. Yeah. well, they listened, before you go into footage on, they were fine. Okay, great. I love them. Yeah, we love them. But they were like had a really long time. It was unfortunate that they were there for another media interview and they were like o Ohh, so you're the guys that we're chatting to, Th then we kind of had to explain, No, we're not the guys that you think we are, but we are doing stuff here Anyway, the long stop me not filming now because presenters two Ces last Sinesday's been the toilet fores U Anyway, it all got smoothved over there. Oh was He's also probably playing boggle and sccrabble and Wirdle. Yeah And he refers to the women he plays sccrubble with his sccrubble wives, but that's fine. He's all legit and above board. There's one point where we all legged him from the rain because of the coffee conundraum And I don't know if you recall I said to you Did I give you your car key back? and you went, No, you've got my car key I did love Yakaki I couldn't see a kaki anywhere. I went out to the bit where we were in the rain, the khi wasn't there. So for five minutes I thought we'd lost your ki at South Lims. becausecause then how do we leave South Mims? We'tave South. We justve in Sve in South Mims. Which wouldn't, I wouldn't have minded No. I would have you'd have had to pay for the parking Yeah forever. Yeah, because it's only free for two hours. Yeah it turns out Jenny A Jjquini's doing about you but was know it was terror. It was terror. Do you know what you could have done if you were mey? What would you have done because I hate losing keys. I've airtaged my car keys, so you just could have done to find my find my car keys and they would have beeped in Jenny's pocket and then it would have been f. John's not got tags on his c Ces. He's a loser Im not I'm the opposite of a loser. I've never lost anything though He's lost something. I might have lost something this week. What was it? I can't, I can neither say nor guess Because I haven't discovered whether it's lost yet you've just misplaced it. It's like your credit card in the Bmin theatre again ever lost. Yeah. Anyway, so it is a lot of fun. It's part one Because there's just so much great stuff. So there is a sequel coming in a couple of weeks. So head to patreon dot com forward slash Ellison John and also head to your favorite podcast app to check out the new significant production don't think I somehow Yes. that's the name of the podcast. That's not me contradicting myself. No, cururrently on Ep three I listened to E three this morning and it made me laugh L Chart toing, know this. Let's have a clip, please. This is how my out of office reads. Dear sir, Madam. I am Unfortunately ill undisposed and not out of a disposition I am, unfortunately unable to attend to this matter with immediate effect. Has one has one noticed it The summer evenings are upon us. and has one noticed the light at this time of year? I do hope you are well. You've never put an out office on your have. You are constantly in my thoughts. I long to be with you Ys You the war, I pray for the war's end and if I do not make it back to England Please remember, place a single rose upon my grace. Jesus Chist a single rose. Your sincerely the utmost respect Adista Green Esqu That's my out of office reply. Yours is Laura Love Chuck. What are you doing It's it's it's a crazy ab this week, but it is good fun. So someone sent me a message an American friend of mine. posted the video And she said, Who's that man who's like you, but older and sadder It's Brand new Pod with Alista Green and Rachel Stubbing. Oh, it's so funny. It is very. We do say to ourselves. Yeah so check that out on the internet Yes. and if you're a Worh speaker and you like to stand up in July and August, you're incredibly well served if if you live in London, but I can't give any more details than that because Dave's told me off for go justust go to my Instagram. go to Ellisjames. co That's not your Instagram and hand' my website. Is it, You updated your website? I actually have to include these gigs. so I'm no longer presenting on XFN Go watch shall this. Go watch shall this. Yes. Well, it feels like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but it turns out It's one hell of a nut. Yeah, it's a titanium nut And my sledge and my sledge is made of skips. Yes, go and check out Ellis's Welsh language standup shows. cheheck out station to station Check out donon't think So somehow because content never stopps Okay N on my watch Keep chucking it out there It's exciting the highest possible quality. Yeah, we're not chucking it out there, J. We are. No, We're passing it very carefully and conscientiously to our audience. we're chucking it but like a great American footballer chucks the ball for a touchdown. Yeah ye. There's a really good brand new ball that he's just bought Right, I think it's time for Ellis's spiritual Journey to progress We're doing quite well with Dave Yeah, you know, you'll much come. att the very least, I'm on the fence Well, I don't I think which doesn't exist That's already broken. Davave's let go of the destination. Dave's happy when there are cows on the line or when there aren't cows on the line. Yeah. I've always had a bit of that in me. Yeah, I am I'm closer to John I would say at times than Ellice with this sort of sk. I just cross my legs and trap my googlies. Do you ever see the video somewone' doing that? Yeah, well this will be on video because I just did it then so you can release that video on the caramera What you ain't going like this Did you ever haveave you seen them y? It's really funny That could be our final moment. Yeah. Well John ching chapping his chaps. ye, trapping his chaps. Yeah. Now it's time for our regular feature common Zents Turn your attention to the breath Very good. Alice howounds your breath Is there any resistance to the breath? Could be a sign of bronchial problems. I don' know any. Well sometimes they are symptomless Maybe you should go for a check up. A lot of people are worried about your. Itull body emotity at this stage, yes. You cannot be too careful at this age. How's the toilet The toilet is fine as long as I don't need beetroot and that it iss terrifying. Yeah. but it's a safe terror. Yeah. Like watching one horror film. Once you've remembered. Once you've remembered to do write it on your hand. Yeah. Or ideally on your thigh. Yes. And you'll see it. Yeah. Eight on the left thigh, Beetroot on the right thigh Yes, that would be perfect. And a date below it. Yes. All and the same would apply for dates or pres. Eight eight. Be true Tuesday night. Yeah R relelax. It's almost certainly that. If the symptoms are continuing past Friday, ye, make an appointment. Unless she meets him or be really. Yeah, if you have a beetroot onlyiet in fact, if you have a beetroot only diet, it's very wise to take breaks within just to check. Just to check yourself out, just to check. Absolutely. So this week's lesson, it's a very short one this week. A monk and his students We're walking in the hills. And as they turned a corner, one of the students saw an enormous boulder And he pointed at it. and said, Oh wow. That's so heavy to which the monk replied, Only if you try to lift it Is that it? he's done his h. It is heavy though, isn't it? Only if you try to lift it. Okay, let's break it down. But I mean, what you're doing is irrelevant. The boulder will have a weight. No,thing only if you try to lift. I weigh. Only if you make it your business. I weigh seventy four kilos try to try to lift. you're trying? No, I'igh I was on a weighing scale yesterday. Not on it now. Yeah. If I was, it would be the same. But your weight is irrelevant unless I try and lift you No, because I'm sitting on a big chair. Imagine if I was sitting on a weak chair but I'm not measuring you up for chairs. I'm broadcasting with you if you can believe it My weight iss relevant all the time. things I do. Only if you're trying to lift yourself, which in fact, maybe there's another parable You can't lift run or walk or walk upstairs or cycle. And also you know, if I walked into the boulder by mistake, the weight of the boulder would hurt me Well don't walk into the boulder by mistake. What if I've had a pint Also, if you wal if you were to walk into the boulder, I've had six pints, okay? Yeah. So if you were walk to the boulder. If you were to walk into the boulder if you focus on its weight, You're going to be in more pain than if you focus on its beauty So you don't ask me to focus on the boulder's beauty. Well, you could say, Ohh my God, that boulder's so big and so hard and so heavy and that's why I'm hurting, or you could say, I'm really glad that the force of the boulder allowed me to appreciate its Rus and qualities. Yes and qualities. It is a real shame. What that you survived your Bum ordeal? Because being in four months of anal pain has given you such llence ye. What do you I like to say when you were in agony. So It's saying, it all depends on what you focus on in life Very much so, I think it's saying a number of things.'s I think it's deceptively simple. It's saying we often notice the negatives in things. Yeah. Yeah yeah. We often tell negative story about things which are also beautiful And also we often take on unnecessary stress Can I shock you of the common senses you've offered up so far Of all the ones you've profffered, that's my favorite one. Is it? Is it? That's my favorite one The What was the first one maybe? M be an absolute guff. No, no that's not g third one. That opposite of a guff. That's a really floral burt. But today's one, the heavy boulder is it O is it I try and lt it, try and lift it? No, it's not or is it? It's not No, no, no.orry it is heavy It is heavy, we all know that. I quite like that one Okay. This is good Be I think so much anxiety one could see as trying to lift boulders that don't need lifting. Yes, I said I betty last night that is tomorrow's problem. Oh very good. That stresses me out. Well it's not today's problem. Yeah, that's what I said That's today's problem. becausecause it was like I really worry about it Yeahah. Icause it was happen last night at night I set the alarm. I'll you up I said that's not tonight's product. not to that'. Oh that sounds betterah So there we go. Okay. let us Try to distinguish between the boulders we need to lift and the ones we don't. is nice. Not focus on the weight focus on Beautiful cras Yeah. But if you do need to lift a boulder Do build up to it by doing some focus training over sort of six to twelve months. and lift with the knees. Lift with the knees. Unless you've got really bad knees. In which case you get maybe hire a JCB, you probably need a license. Or a forklift. Yeah. O if your friend's got a van,, you could maybe tow it. If you're friends with a farmer And in the olden times, they would have rolled it on logs like they did for stone Stone Ege. And if you've got the opportunity to go to Stonehenge, do take kicks, it's fantastic Yeah I would' mind a trip to Stonehenge. This is magical. If you don' think it'sagical, you' got something wrong with you. Interesting. Do you like Stonehenge? I've driven past it probably about nineteen times. Okay. I been to. I went on New Year's Day. I didn't know you were a shaman. I'm into Henge I think it's absolutely I think it's mesmerizing Maybe this is five thousand years old It's three thousand years older than Christ. Yeah Like that's crazy to me So there you go Do think that no one knows how they got there Yeah, they would have I think they rolled them mon logs and it just took absolutely ages. The Bueestones come from Pembrhire And I think some of the songs come from Scotland, they think they're But yeah, amazing. I mean, they should have just used ones from nearby. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. and thenah get a stone. Have you been to Avebury? No, what's that? What? Let me Google this. The Stone circle in Avebury. No, I've never been there. I do like standing stonesough I've been just Sting stones in Pentravan in Pembrogeshire. They're less sort of constructed than the than Stonehouse. Oh nice. Yeahah, yeah. I will I will Avebury I like that. I can yeah. How old is Avebry Let's have a look at the Wikipedia. Love this music It's a bit titanicy as well. I keep thinking of Rose and Jack. Wow, three thousand BC from the central Cove two thousand nine hundred BC for the Innerone Circle, two thousand six hundred BC for the oututer circle and he. 'Cause they said they kept extending. Yeah, and around two thousand four hundred BC for the avenues. That's fantastic. I'm gonna have to avebury as soon as I can. I guess so it's much easier to get planning permission. two thousand BC. It's much less red tape Neolithic era. Yeah. and if they don't spot it within the first three years, it's fine. Yeah, you can keep your hinge tried to build a massive house behind the hazs. Yeah. That prom. So there we go, there'll be another lesson next week. Oh I love it. I do enjoy it because John's very knowledgeable with it. You could only do this sort of feature if you've got a John. I'm not very knowledgeable. I think you're better than you realize though I did listen to a very good I couldn' I'm not sure I could do this for a future. listen to a really good I get a lot of Buddhist teachings on my Instagram videos of Buddhist monks. I get a lot of brawling in streets Yeah. And this fantastic monk said Brain can't hear. see. can't taste, can't smell, can't touch. It literally knows nothing It knows absolutely nothing other than what it is told by the sensations of your body If you think so her point was, your brain doesn't know anything Yeah. It only knows what it's told. So pay attention to what you are telling it Because in and of itself, ye, it doesn't even know there's a world. It's an i phhone in a case in a box. Well it's like a hard drive doesn't know it's in a computer. Apart from the brain in teenagage mutant ninjure turtles. Well, this is she didn't go into that because that he is he speaks. And he's in the stomach, I think of the crang ex crang. Yeah. So that's the exception to thele I think Dav Ross was a brain in Doctor Wh Psibly A again, she didn't go into that. She was sort of dealing with more slightly more esoteric matters for The pointoint was a brain is we give it so much status as like everything about us. like our brain is us. It's not it's just an organ that has no idea what it's doing Yeah, that's that's interesting. Well, thank you. you're welcome Have you ever considered surrounding your house with a moat to keep it safe Would you hire a professional wrestler as a bodyguard for your car Okay, maybe you wouldn't go that far But if you'd go to great lengths to avoid dealing with your insurance company, You might have insoranoia And if you have insuranoia, you should have NJM insurance They go to great lengths to do what's best for their policyholders Start relieving your insure anoia today injM. com Should we talk about some mad dads? Yeah, go on then My dad, when he brought his first non stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it. Actual real wooden cloths and set about eating what must have been north of twenty four egg cannopes. He then proceeded to empty forty litres or so on the tim and strike a mad my dad H If you've got a mad dad, email us, Ellison John. No, it's not Hello at Ellisonjohn. comot Huh. Who's getting the old URL's wrong now? It's a test Jones. It's a test, John. Hello at Ellisonjohn dot com Yeah to tell us about your mad dads. And this is from Jimmy. Jimmy says my dad is mad. When my youngest brother was in year nine, it was discovered that he was dyslexic and my parents made the decision to move him from the local state school that me and my brother attended to send him to another local school with a specialist department of facilities. It was slightly unsettling for my brother who was thirteen at the time. I want to give him a big hug with permission from don't, but I'll send him ten pounds. Yeah. Okay. That's better. I would give him a hug That's your. And the anonymous ten pounds. Yes, andd. I'd give his dad ten pounds put towards his pocket money. And he was understandably nervous the first time he invited friends home from his new school, which was to watch one of England's group games during Eurero two thousand My dad likes football, he liked it enough to ensure that he and my mum left their wedding reception in time to catch match of the day. But here's the rub. But it is not his main sport Like that's acceptable if you are cricket mad and it's the final too all. Yeah. A World Cup final, I think is sort of funiney. If' football, especially England are in it or Walesah whatever. Rugby is his main sport, which was important enough for him to have insisted on a maximum six day honeymoon so he was able to get back in time to play for Banbury second fifteen I gotta say, Jimmy, I'm not batting for your dad. After all, You miss his playing days when he's old other. Yeah That says. After all, he was being forced to miss the Saturday before for the wedding. Nightmare. Why did' he get married in the summer? Or marry a rugby ball Just marry rugby. So while Dad was interested in the football, it was not quite enough to hold his attention for the full ninety minutes. Instead, he split his time between doing a bit of gardening and popping in to sit next to one of my brother's threeree friends on the sofa to check the score, and ask my brother's friends how the match was going, who was playing well, etca. So far so good It was June and a sunny day, and as dad got hot and sweaty from the gardening, he decided the best way to moderate his temperature was to remove all of his clothes, apart from a pair of white wifer briefs and a pair of green welly boots. He cheerfully continued his routine of gardening mixed with trips to the sofa to chat to his youngest son's newmates. Oh my obliousous to any effect that this now lightly glistening retired social rugby player's body was having on the conversation or the mood of his son. I believe he remained oblivious until my brother told the story many years later, and while he can laugh about it now, of all of us, he seems the least likely to bring girlfriends and family functions. so perhaps there is some deeply buried residual psychological effect that remains Jimmy on the Oxfords Warwickshire Border that's talked about frontier between the Midlands and the South, according to Jimmy. Okay. I mean this with love. My dad used to love embarrassing me when I was a te. He didn't loved it. Yeah. And I remember him but in the lawn in a sort of snorkel mask. Yeah so the neighbours would and he was saying it was because he had hay fever. I remember him walking into the living room and I had friends around with his pants over his trousers. But that qu Be they loved it and they loved him, but he was the one who founded it embarrassing. No one else did, that was the thing. That's all quite wacky, but I don't know that he's just in his w frs I think it' sometimes there's a brand of man who would be quite fussy about dress code to certain events, but who in their own the home. They can be in pants. Cte beasts. Comite beasts. I know exactly what you mean. Yeah Like I never wanted to be known as the naked family in school Do you have like a family who were like naked too much? Well, Hannah tells me off about that. She says that I walk around the house naked. You a new dad. You're the new dad. No, Ahan' had to have a serious word. I get it now. You were the new dad. I'm not gonna the name who the new dad was at my school, but we all knew it was. No, I mean I'm talking in the privacy of my own home with no one else in the house apart from my family I would never dad No no no. But it was only our second cousins. And it was a bit of a blind spot of mine, to be fair, andn Hannah was absolutely right to go look I know that you don't think this is a problem because you just got so used to me and you living in the house and you know, didn't deny that if I was walking around theyakaking interest Hannah. She's like But the kids are getting to a point now where this will just be embarrassing for them even to know that you're doing it even though there's no one else in the house and could actually become quite mentally scarring. And at that point I was like, yeah, I understand. So I am now more conservative. cup the weekend I think also it's like let tell you You don't know what is