Risk and reward in dating

Hello PCDs, it's Ellis James here from the Ellis James and John Robbins showow Thank you very much for downloading our old RadioX podcasts. That means an awful lot to John and I Well, not only am I continuing to do sterling work with John I've also started a new podcast that I think you might like. It's called the Socially distanced Sports Bar I record it with my friends, Mike Bubbins and Steph Gerrero where we nominally talk about sport But we routinely don't get into the sport until about forty minutes in. So if you're like hearing three friends tryrying to reenact the sort of conversations you might hear in a pub if I do say to myself succeeding And I think you really like it. It's a lot of fun. let's not beat around the bush. It's swearier than the radio X, XFM and five Lve podcasts. So if you've got a big problem with a foul language, then maybe give it a ster but otherwise, Give it a go, you never know you might like it Anyway, it's called a socially distanced sports bar and it's available from all of the usual podcast places. The Lory was different. I mean at the time, foot was a kind of working class well, a working class sport, but to have someone doing playing ballet and dancing and into clothes and fashion and all those refinerings of life, it was certainly different. The first time we ever seen big Gar King prawns in the shells Was Laie ordered in the restaurant, and I thought, What's that? And he had these king prawns. and I remember saying him, Oh, that looks great. Can I try one? And he peeled it for me ' I couldn't peeled it for me and give me one of his garlic King prawns. You was great. I'll let you talk G. Can I just say thank you, right It's genuinely the funniest thing I've seen this year The thought broke It wouldn't be so bad. It was in isolation? But there there's like three super poignant recollections first. It's a really. It's the fact that Peter Reed has I don't think there's an actor on earth good enough to play that wide eyed inenesence. The thief took the shell off it. H a wonder he has when he's describing the sightize of this po S you want to say to Peter Reed off all the things Is that your number one anecdote about L? He my The racist chanting the bananas he got shucked at him, the horrific abuse he got att every football ground he played at. fact he was amazing. He was a super foootball and he was a complete trailblazer. Yeah. And clearly for Petered, he was a trailblazer in culinary terms as well because Petered had never got I've never tried garlic prawns before. Oh my God. When I watch this clip I've probably watched it twenty times I've seen twenty times today man. I just. Also, in again in Peter Reid's defefence He has been roally stitched up by the editor. he ever? He's being stucked up sei chronic. Because I don't know what the editor must be a Liverpool fan. What's the thought process though? Because also in that way that, you know, it's a very it's a very common thing that's been for a long time now, but documentary editors tell you how to feel with the music, the beds they have. Yes. when The wr is talking about home. It's like watching a magic trick and everyone explain to me, Doya music. G ps tellell it J discing. get of here. Al this is deconstructing documentaries for us. is you know, it's building up and you're thinking, I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry. And then Peter's like, the size of these productants And the music if you noticice stops Think about Jess Owens. Jess Owens came around my house once and he gout in the bathroom Oh I'll never forget about J J she owns like He's never a watch she to check the s on his phone. I say Jessie, why don't buy a watch? I just don't like the way he feels on my wrist so I got just cheess me phoneo. Four clips about Nazis before that. Hitl the walkking on the stadium. Until today My favorite comedy edit of all time was in that episode of Alan Partridge where Alan takes Jill on a date and he says, Jill Do you like ourwls? G could go shopping that until today was the funniest edit I'd ever seen That has now been usurped. Peten Reed, Cary Prawn And the fact that Laurie God rest is no longer with us And his brother's talking about him and his brother is almost in tears, obviously, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, he was he wast I'm biased but he was the greatest footballer. He was like, Ohh, Jeezus, I I'm fing up here. Yeah, right We went out to this restaurant, right? R Rei drops the prone bomb on her Hello together It' the Yeah this way of peeling prawns. It' I mean, I can't peel I can't peel those prawns here peel L before me is some It's like something at a fash show. He's amazing. I really like Peter Reid actually. Oscar Schindler, mate. Yeah. you know for me, I remember the time he came around of the house and had at Tilam Masu. I'd never he at Tilam Masu. The Schindler. L you do his leases like little big loops, like little little kids, like primary school kids. Like he didn't do his leases like an adult, like a grown up That's what I'll always rememberabos is should there. Oh my go. A fuck me. Guns used to use roll ons yren and I've never seen nobody A kettle song. He' com around me outside his inner frame That's just amazing, man. Like he was out his jeans flat. No Chis isn't it? Oh Yeah, you raise a few qus a laap b His jeans. I've gotta tell about his jeans. Oh my God. That fucking mother' said eas oflyet, I mean. She'st another debit card Just cash. when she went to the pro, she did loads of work the proro traravelers's checks. or cash. So at the start, was, if you moved her then she'd have loads of money because she couldn't take none out of like a hole in the wall ACM or nothing. that's motheries. remember that one motheries. So like you know this Sit in like wallay you'd keep debit cards was just chain tickets, just old chain tickets You make it up That skill's on a suit there I a h no. what? I try to get on with people, but there comes a point where I disagree with it. Yeah. You know If if it's made to mind from a sporting background, say as it. I say as a bit of a ding dong, then it's done. Yeah You know, see it as I see it actually. and And ultimately the thing that I value more than anythingod is honesty. And if that means that I'm going to tell you that you're fat or that you're stupid, then that's just me. That's just me telling me Take me leave me. Yeah, yeah. if you do Take me leave me Yeah, yeah. I mean, I mean I'm a false bes. I'm a false b. I'm not false I will not be. If you can't take me A My worst you don' deserve. I' do my best I just say like it is Well, don't just sociopath. haveave a bit of fuck you have a little bit of Forum intact, ye Have you never met people? Yeah. People don't like that. Yeah. genuinely as a re. I will not lie. I could be true to my yourself Have you seen the fil liar, liar? Yes. and that is that's not a doctrine. Yeah. justust be nice sometimes. Don't setertain lies sometimes. It's fine But if it gets to a point where you have where you you have a confrontation, it's okay though wouldn't it I don't mind it. It's al right. Yeah. I'm sure it will fall out at some point. Me and Rob fell out after you drew a dick on that, I was We got over it until he do a dick on the other thing He keeps drawing dicks on things and we keep going over it. You know can't I'm trying to work out what the thing that he can draw a dick on that will end your relationship with him. Gravestone? That's why you know, I don't know That's the ultimate win, isn't it? If you die first and on your gravestone, he graffites it with a cock. I guarantee you'd spray cock and balls on it if I die first.. It's what he would have wanton. To get my own back on that prick, I'm just gonna get a gravestone in the shape of a cock and ball. I just cannot wait when I send Mike's foon roll 'd be very, very sad How How'd orie first? Of course big cock and Balwf. the three of us like comeome on Balwf. U It's what he would have wanted. It's what he would have wanted. You got it all planned, I see, that's nice to know I got ordered. If I die before you I saw the colour on you last week. I would be absolutely stunned and then sad. A then dead? I' be're dead. You'll be stunned. O sad. You'll just be dead. so dead. I'll be gutted, you'll be dead. Is Mike Stilly? Is this how how' James Hs? It's bleeding for lightball try to list one hundred and thirty. Stop swking the third person you bell in I want do two shout outs. O I should would shout Steveright I shhout out. As I said, shoutJ Soony. fucking n. Go on, Mr. Jam, hit us sw some. C make some Can I make some noise first for a couple of guys deear, Ohh dear. Why did I say shout out? I won't live that down now. I cannot live that doough, please. A commercial radio career is there for you. Here on the social distance sports bar We've got the foundations for build me up buttercup up next, but now it's time for the news. What do you build me up? But a cup baby just to let me down. Yeah. What's it gonna say Oh, yeah. so I wanted to mention fellllow called Ryan Evans who follow us on Twitter and on Faceook, there's Paton who's good a. Okay. But do you want to say thanks to doing that Wikipedia pages for us, which took a lot of. Oh yeah ye. yeah. And then the bods of Wikipedia decided That it wasn't it didn't meet their criteria, they took it down again. It was too promotional apparently. promotional. It felt like a promo, whereereas the one I'm on at the moment for the Cleveland Browns. Oh yeah, you can suck there. Dck N not a problem, but you can't say that this is a good podcast with some tits on Wikipedia. Take it number. Aesome. And who does that job? Yeah. Who's the nerd sat at home They probably get paid per refusal. Well I'll tell you something with Wiipage if you're listening test on me ever donating you shitty it'll send us too quick to save Wikipedia. Yeah Jimmy Wales. No, we can suckem our bows right now fromntil for nothing. Unless you get us back on Wikipedia, in which case I'm got to suck balls and might give you two pound in the future was in your cat. Anyways, for him. So Ryan, so well done, Ryan, for doing that. Yeah. I probably won't ment you,ate donon't take offenseces I wouldn't expect to be mention him. if I would' seemply quite like it. So but then just for a bit of balance God I'll tell to fuck off. That'd be nice. It's a fuck off, right? Fuck off, right? R right right? fuck off in' it? What it is, right, right? I w you'd fuck off like you I mean No offense like. B of a fucking swat in you Ry? Do make you point the pages for us Get a fucking life R? Oh in your fucking grif all, your fucking sad case we doing my fucking Wikipedia, my ar. Bird left you, is she right? Wk a fuckingipedia my Wk a fucking Pedia man Chuck it fucking in between inside a word. Like punctuation. A so fuckings Wh a fucking Pedia be fuck? I'm gonna get this other way so I'm gonna swear a spodcast. I'm going to go radio four. They swear radio four all the time Yeah, they're just middle class and get away with it No, so anyway, if you're listening kids, you shouldn't listen this. This's not my problem. What fucking parent? What was the second shout out? From Will MacDonald. Mike, you've won some fans over in the Royal Air Force. Oh with a podcast that has provided the soundtrack and much laughter and discussion in the office And if we could listen to it while we are flying, we would. Oh my God. No. A few no no no, no. A few of us on two hundred seven squadron based at REF Marham in Norfolk, would like to send you C a bit of bottle my bar, very nice. Fuck off, boys. haven't got the bottle to join the army is it, you fuckinguck fucking fly boys, fuck off! Why' you be a real fucking man and join the army fucking cowards? Yeah Fucking barred feet de real? Fucking bone spurs man. Fucking pathetic boys. Oh, I tell you what. when I get at topop this fucking mountain and drop the shit off of me in fucking helicopter, really? Why you bombing an off day is it? Fucking pathetic boys. Oh let the fucking gangs do the daytime when they can actually see you cowardly fuckers If you are listening, you were in the Battle of Britain or in any of the raves or occpied Europe. I don't really think you're a cowardly fer. said for effect If anything, It was a character, if anything. Yeah. It's character work. Don't quote just direct me on those. Similarly, if you listen to this in Dresden, I'm not a fan of Boma Harris. Noope Yeah, But I mean, Wars was warn it. I used start I would have tried to find a piece ofion Oh here we go. He'sceouse over here.. Switzerland, you right? I have received no such communication And consequently This country is at war Germany I I do a bad church shop you. Let's going then. The Nai You would never dust the Nausey If the British embes had lied for a thousand years Then they' say that this was our finest h.' not bad I like the internationational of that at the end. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ye. We will defend our island whatever the cost may be We nose are end up. I mean used to lay bricks to unwind to chill out Yeah, in a jumpsuit. And it was apparently a very bound brick layer, but no one ever told him. love the idea that he you know Wh used to have jumpsuits to makeakes he couldn't be asked to think about what to wear? So he had these all in one zip up jumpsuits. He was like a forties Elvis. Oh built that all over there Winston, are the one's Boeing? Yeah, yeah, right in the Middle East. He's crapp at laying bricks. Don't sayuck Don't say fuckle. He's trying to plan D date Yeah, I know he was in a bit of a mood after Yoltter He reckon's fucking starl and nose I'veving check the bottom behind this back. Tamp is absolutely tamping. Just give him some pate and I' hope for the best. We're in those cabinet war rooms, which I love. I spent all day down. Oh yes. ye yeah. He had his own kitchen put in there. So we could just basically have grououse and pate and drink portk and brandy and whiskey and smke chain smoke cuban and cigars all day. I fucking love Churchub. The Welsh part of me hates him for being an and sort of and and reformed of a Tory. Wh he sent the army inonentonipundi. I listened to a podcast with Alistair Cumbell once and he made a very, very good point because he was pissed all the time Mr Churchill I used to wake up late And he was pissedol all the time And he was one of those lucky people and I'm not like this unfortunately, where he was Perfectly lucid when he was drunk Whereas I after a pintt them sluring and making bad decisions. But Alista Campbell was saying that he was if he was Prime Minister now Sky News would have hadam Bolton outside his door and a sort of it's ten to twelve in the late morning, almost the early afternoon. he's still not up. serious questions have got to be asked over Winston Churchill's suitability for the role of wartime prime Mister But they wouldn't give a monkey's mate. No one can't. You're listen to Wcast. ye Sirmish Our water sports b Nhing in those films. It depends, doesn't it? I'll be scripping the battle when is. But just that's watch you bor up writen that up against tax. accountant saying, Well there's sports p up for. Oh sports podcasts are work' it? Sdly, I think there is a property a market as well as the thing. There is an audience for it. I'm your man. I mean, if you want to host that 's do my podcast where we analyze But we him talk about four for two and stuff,n't we? that's the thing? Social the other way. Sociallyist in sex club. Okay Kelly, Lave the tea outside, babe Thank you.o Co Cmento research. solic it. I' j it for the Patreons Stop for me N even too any pleasure out of this Anthing is spoil pography. the bona food you The mudoney's nice I've lost one of my favorite hobbies. C't imagine that. There's a bit there where Ian Wright talks about the fact, right? You were right You was a time delay. Yeah Bfferanger. You him for thirty five minutes. He says becausecause he didn't come through the accademy system, and he wasn't coached from a young age quite rigidly. he just loved football, lo training, love being, ye, yeah. ' it was always a joy to him. never seemed like a binder. Some of his kids have been through it since you know, and for me Imagine if someone just made you watch porno films at the age of thirteen and you had to whack off like twice a day I'm like I' getting tired of it. I've gotta be honest I'm not sure your point is. I'm just gonna say that he loves porn as much as he right loves football. At the age of twenty two, you didn't think you were going to get to watch porn, did you I saw a mate some m from school and who said donon't give up on it, Buds. Do not give up on it. One of your mates had a poor on Mag in school? It's all right, it's all right for you, isn't it? You've had that since you was sixteen. I'm twenty two. I'm just looking at the Kay' catalogue One finger in the camping equipment case your mum walks in deate Look at the cabin equipment, Michael. St tell them I really want to go camping. camp. I didn't like camping that much, Mike. Sory would never been now We wasted all our money in hotels Barbies', Bob. Mike loves Campy. Bob. he's in the show Just le all of the different sized tents My worry is what will he be like when he's in a real tent And not when he's just looking at pictures of tents in the country. Let'save his own ted Bob. Should we start with him camping in the back garden? I we told the story about the camping stove? I don't know if I want to hear it. This is funn. Does it end any you ejaculate Well, it does actually, but G. Great. Yes, please. Well no, it does it doesn't, it doesn't, but not through back could trying While I was living in bath, I went out on the piss one side No, what Fridayight went out And I feel I had an eye test book for the Saturday morning. in the boots in bath, right? Right. Beacause I always wanted glasses. I thought they looked quite cool. but I never needed them, right? So I over. So I had an ey test booked in for the Saturday morning. Yeah. One on the piss Friday, G my eye test Saturday. Yeah The Oetian was stunning. right She was about twenty years of age, gorgeous I'm still a bit tippy from the night before, right? Yeah. Cfident. And she's got her eyes. I was taking it. I thought she'd giving off signals. but what she was really trying to do is assess my eyes on She really doing a job. Yeah. So But she was right like when they put that thing in your eye and then they did it they blow in your eye as well I don't think they blow it isn't they like an air puff? There's like a lot Yeah like Yeah there's a lot of thing A me blowing. Yes, actually f playay in it, Let's be o. So we get chatting anyway, doing the assessment. and then I chatting out you.' asking you what letter you can read No people want to con for that.' ch That's not chatting. C you read the top line? I know The top line my language No, so she was very attractive. She was very close to me. U Oh So I still a bit tipsy is the point, right? And I was in my, you know, in my pump at the time Sh we get chatting the way up to the machine? You show the remote control. Do anything? Right way get to there. Right the way up to there we went Whaty are you scratching the nail file for? M. D I wonder Whyn't you measure that scratch Tell what you think it's for No, I was being very polite, very nice. Soor we up to this weekend, on I think we're going were going go camping. withith friends of yours or with so on with my boyfriend I' all happ be nice that's dasted. I looking forks' not. I don't really like camping. Oh my boy. N did job. I said, Oh, there we go. She said, I have another weekend of cold beans. Not very romantic is it? I said, Well, was I'm sure you'll have a nice time So anyway, I didn't need glasses, right? So I saved myself the money that I thought I was going to spend on glasses. I walked out all over there and now about two doors down from boots on Bath High Street is Millet's camping store, right? Oh my God. I went straight I walked in there, right? Yes I's fucking weird al man. Serial killer I bought a fucking camping stove and gas, right? gas. I got mice one as well. like a shitty one. a disposable ones No, but the the smaller camping gas cylinders and a campping gas are rolling in an eight kilogram kalogas. And like one of those collapsible nice saucepoons, you take camping, right And I went to the card shop down the road card Oh God I had a wrote a card saying I couldn't bear to think he'd be eating cold beans. Oh my go I want to die for you We I think youating cold bees Have a lovely time and the mic on the end of it, right? Fucking took you back Walking to boots. Pless brat. Fucking gabch What up thatter She at the neck door C in. I just saw her in there and come here to look and leave the foot. Stove. A fucin stoove. Oh fucking casanov. Oh my go You mad cant. I just remember that Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Jesus. Ohking Burnet We've done We've done almost forty podcasts. How is that not the first thing? Wh is that not mentioned in episode to think you would. She Jesus Christ. Oh my God. you was terrified a young woman What wass your thought? Oh my go. What did you think? Oh my good God A you still enjoying the boots? Yeah're generalt quite Temember me from forty one minutes ago. Perfect eyesight. a slight smell of booze Oh my doeses Kelly know that? It was Kelly One mightary for P teachers in school apart from seeing them in a speedo was On parents evening, they all had really shit Yes I'm going to turn on theot I teach them that I'm not going to tell you the name, right, for obvious reasons when this. And if I'm asked, I was just to say I was joking about this. I made it happen, right Yeah. I made this It makes up to impress my friends. C on. But imagine this had happened to me when I was fifteen, right So Pete te just said to us, Trashy Wimbledon onad Right saidid yeah yeah, W. G' to be about eighty seven. Yeah, definitely. Great, we're going to Wimbledon tomorrow. No forms, No nothing, right? Right Next day we get to school. again the minibus, or most of the rugy team like fourteen, fifteen lads and the teacher driver up there Drove for hours here to Wimbledon. R get to Wimbledon. It's boiling hot day. of the mini busus. he saidays I want theort ticketets lad you wait you. I'll gather tickets, you wa you for. He parks the minib busus. so we just sat now in the southwest London in a bus. Yeah a bunch of fifteen ro in a minib. for about forty five minutes on our own. And then he comes back and goes sold out. Right What Yeah, I'm pretty b too Oh off. Just car sorry, L we'll have to go back. Yeah. S just turns the bus ro. Drives back to Frigging Barry, right guesss man, right? Be he was like he was always one of the boys. He was a B blke. So we stop on the first serviceices. he says us on lay down today, b Yeah. So we gave us like a pound each for our ticket muddy, right?. to go and play the space invaders for So' meet me back here in forty minutes, right? So we're going to play space invaders, whenateever we get back in and then we we get back we start driving' were in the bus for hours but at this point, right? And then we st just for the seven bridge. you got to get some diesel for for the bus You get some the Out of the mini goes into the shop there we're all fucking, I can't believe he's done this to us. We're all having a bit of a grumble, it's' boiling a lot as well, right Rumemberber has not happening, obviously So she comes back and opens a slide door the sideider goes, I've laid down today, Lad, I'm really sorry. That's sorry I said, don b, b. He gave us like a razzlech to apologise. So We went home. He drove back to Berry not was up. I was fifteen pre internet. If you ever said to me at the beginning of the day, should want to watch Jimmy Connor's O of a razzle, The razzle wins every day of the week. He didn't have to go through the charirade of a bus journey. Oh my God. Genuous Genuine. God Oh my stomach hurtts I know. Bie I've got beans on these Is a be specialase. Baked bean wimbled and Sash So what guys the rpes for out of p Tennis skirts aret no knickers. So t in a tinner hiras So'm a dress like Beond Ball. Now eighty eight himself, he regularly has a highighland fling in the front room to remind himself of his days on the music hall and to entertain his wife Elsie But this sort of thing, remarkable enough in a man who'll soon be embarking on his ninetentieth year, is merely a warm up mister McLan's first love and main pursuit. Sprinting. So there we go, the time flash, right? I live I used to live by the tenet, what would Bertt Reynolds do, right? Right changed since when I saw that on Thursday to what would the Tartan flash do in any given situation, right I just It's so good. That opening when you see and his wife has sat there, love her I'll her on the two seats or so him and he's doing a Highland fling, which I mean I talked to my mate Luke about this who' Scottish, and we' in universal agreement that Hylan Fling is probably the shittest of all the world dancers. You rembember me have happenving to do the Hylland fling in school and even Scottish people hate it. so I don't know who' supped to enjoy it right? Well Elsie isn't? She hate Do you know what? I tell you why Elsie's not fucking enjoying,? She's seen it every day for fifty years know, just I can imagine Elsie got God rest her soul. justust saying flash, can we just have of a m in Yeah just the Welsh equivalent is Cro Dunshire Crokshire Which is clog dancing. I don't know if you've ever seen this in thisuff. If I make Gehens should do that. My dad would always say as a teenager, he'd say, Oh if you want girls to like you, clog sh. Really? It no matter big your clogs are. Oh I mean, there's a cavey out there. If you want girls who like clog daning to like you. Yeah, those clog d' youish that a bit of that sentence, I would say. Dan, I want no. I want no part of the clog dancing fancy and girls. Thank you very and like the b to an highland fling for his misses, right? And she dad lied to you. W like she's like painted on eyes isn't she? She is bored shitless. she has heard him talk about winning the South African Hraby is in nineteen ten. N even thoughtent though.. Well it's a hundred yards ' shorter than hundredometers. Hocks. Sarton Flash's name. expander on this podcast, Willie Nilly. nine point nine seconds. H hundred yards. So one. hundred yards. Yeah, shter, shorter distance. I like do two things about this. You toldking about a ten eight hundred, that's doable I loved him. I love him so much. He does O one hundred meters in forty fivealf seconds is an eighty eight year old re prettytty sure, right? I mean there's that clip when he's over a Crystal Palace there And Elsie's there wearing her Sunday bestest again, right? Yes. Yeah's there She's there. like Like my nan. She looked like my nan in the day, right? Myan would have fourteen layers of clothes on Yeah. So she'll have I'm telling anything else she's wearing stockins with suspenders. Yeah peticat, some nicket arrangement, then a petticoat then an undersirt, then a girdle, then a skirt and then a vest and then several bloses and a top and a jacket and a coat and a hat and a hatpin, right? and a boch. Right broach and a brooch, right? With a stopwatch that I'm fairly convinced has been stuck on fourteen seconds for about thirty years, right? Yeah. There's no way, right? There's no way the flash is doing that in fourteen seconds. just't? I just did think I've got no idea what my hundred metre time is, but I thought if I can't beat hundred if I can't be in an eighty eight year old Good box, too Mate, good box, bro ofokess ribs. Mikeoubt. T timee was it do Lve? What time was it Fteen seconds again, Flash. I that Gour forteen seconds s the fifttyies. I'm so consistent, that's not fun. We I'm eighty eight, nineteen years of age. my personal bet. He's doing sprints. He's almost to America. He's now got on a plane to America, where like I think the next oldest bloke is like forty eight. He's like, m You'd have to fancy your chances when you went in an over forties race. If you're forty four and the block The brooken that lay next to you is' fifty years old. It's so much ch think it's Alan Wells in the other forties. I'm a very confident man You know, I think I Google him. I think he died at ' ninety six. I was gutted I' like to think he d done on the track that That'll be brilliant if he did did fourteen seconds again. Ilie D F years earlier and he just propped her up. She'd been embalmed with a fourteen second stopwatch next to the finish line What says Olivive What's that you say? I'll say fourteen seconds. A rightady left this. Another hand of fing Okay, off you ask so nicely though, look the way and you please at the end of that. C downad fllash, Where's Where's none or else he gone? All right? in the track She's been dead for years. Just there, just wheel her out. stick her on the finish line. Little voice box, just that just says forteen seconds Press play. How's it deal of? fourteen seconds wor Oh the wind blow hy and the wind blow dancing on the corpse in the living room. J just out of habit, justust out of habit. We've all done it are we I was ban two for murderer I was pred to have been kept against my will She didn't talk in all that. D you know it? whole thing. What life. Wake up in the morning, J just think God Jesus Christ. Put fourteen layers on, go downstairs, have a highland fling, go to the track in the rain, sayay fourteen seconds. Come home. it's clearly takaking him a minute and a half. Come home, hit the M of Africa again. nine point nine it did not nine point nine Fine as kilt.s my longevity and go your brak is rubs? who, that's great. Oh there nineteen ten.een point nine see the boardard Yeah. And I don't even reckon Band two that was Band two for a little fast, little fast, man Good night, Flash Goodight. Imagine you' bound to Google transanslate? I assess here it means You we can't, I don't know I love the flash. Shut up. Don't look the flash. Oh the bantoo hads just to shant you know. Fast one, Fast one. Night no. F Bant two for fourteen seconds. Oh I love you, Elsie. hi. Fine. I love you too He! I a cup ofa Elsie. fourteen seconds.. R Elsie, how much long this I did this flame Fteen seconds I want I want nothing more in life than in fifty years from now to still be putting on my best highighland gear and doing a fling for my wife downstairs and then going down to Lckith running track he's sort of blashing out a one minute three three hundred meters. Kelly's there. justust going. fourteen seconds for Ch sake, just tell him fourteen seconds Please. It'sot worth it, Bad. It's worth it always He gets angry and bangs all about South Africa If we don't want him to bang on about FW to cl, it's easyer to say that he's one hundred meters in fourteen seconds, then we can all go. I told him it was fourteen n as PW Bota for four days. Please don't mention that time Eist did Zola Bud as a clip because he loses rag again British I' got book two burgers in the fridge which I've left off from tea Be that's where you come on this way. What? Why have you got them in the fridge? Two burgers in the fridge? Yeah, well we had burgers for tea and then my son and daughter, they didn't finish their burgers So I've kept You' want to reheat that? No, I'll just eat cold. I'll eat cold ' because I'm like Eddie Hall. It's about ref foolelingfamy. That's the thing. Wellre to eat every ninety minutes cust it on something ye. but Aackground beice Hh Mag your Eddie Horse restaurant. Come to fat Eddy's. Noone ofough. Starter, whatever you want You're look in pretty decent shape, Athlete, too? Yeah I'm a triapathlette actually. you need one of Edie Hall's hot dogs. the works. What's in it? Cranberries, chocolate, sausage. Bread, bananas, cravy, cbries buttons It like imine thousands? I don't mind. I like Brian Shaw's supplements. the names of all supplements they and have are always like, you know Wolf eater. Yeah fuck off. itet. But I have two scoops of fuck off. What Do a full weight. And then before I go to bed I get two liters of eat my shit. it what is it? I's just to been arsted? They're always call that. I always have like spit to B twelve that. I go something like My g got grenade Because you have. Yeah, I've got the second version of Gade called Grey Black opps Which is basically caffeine tablet. Yeah, straight up Why have you got a whyy have you got supplements s then? Is they' like appetite suppressants and fat burnerst? In the old days you could get the proper stuff. Well no, look, becausecause in the old days, you could get the real you could get the epidrid on the cedic cod foliia and the proper stuff. You know, there was a place in the Clifftam Arcade in Swanseas to go to get myself you could get them sent in directly from Amsterdam. Take it your appvataar would disappeared. You wouldn't sleep like four days. Big roid seen in Swansea, some of the ship on some of Walking down Wine Street, good grief. I this I mentioned it a standup. I mean, you got on Wine Street and Swanssee in a Saturday night, there's packs of huge lads everywhere. That would be very scary if they wereed for a Swanseie because they're all really short as well. I say they they' like a bllybuilder being bitten by radioactive hobbit.re they're all proper angry? They're Roy ra. If you're in like refflex bar in Swans on Wne Street? Yeah, he Fking looking. look fuck mes. me m this. Yeah. Yeahah,uckking, look at youah fuckking I'm looking you yeah,uck looking you,uck I' talk baby I sa of blo in there, right? No shit about three or four years ago. I met my wife having a nice quiet Saturday night out in Swansea. She's a swansea girl. Why did you go reflex you lum? I to say what you did reflex's with the wife Better places. In Swansea, there's not many better places is there? But he was on the dance floor. There were two. there were two lads. One was essentially trying to sort of grope this girl and she was up for it, but it was more like a sore in action. He looked like he was trying to saw a fanny with his hand. Oh dear. Proper goal for it. And she was enjoying herself. While his mate, the other rooy headad, had his trousers and pants on his ankles and was doing a sort of hip thrust dance with a fucking dick like a baby's arm was just flopping onto his belly and then back onto his knee, right On the crowded dance floor on a Saturday night. I wentm to to the bouncer and I went, Are you gonna to kick him off? He went, What's you what's your problem, back? I said, You're not gonna to kick him off for that. He said, For what? He's not causing trouble is he? I said he's soaring a girl's vagina with his hand And his made fricking dick is out And it's got a massive dick as well You're not going to kick him off for that massive dayick. We've all the Mari tatoos. We're liveving G S. everyvery now and then there'd be a sixty man brawl and there'll be a video it'll be on the Suff's Evening Por' website. My stagnight was in Swanse, right? We go for a nightown and it's all fancy dressed typically, you know, proper traditional stigma. We get to Wine Street we had a bit promise some Swanansie Ruby boys earlier it all sort of died down a bit. The only person got kicked out that night for fighting was Kelly's dad. Kelly's sixty year old Swansea City season ticket old and dad, right? got kicked out for fighting. Go on, Jeff. I wonder if, right? again, I've been now near knowing this. I've seen my wife do a ten k. she's done a half mour And I said not that I didn't want to watch the half marathon by the way, but it was in Buckinghams show by the kids in Wales. No one criticised you, by the way. That really defense is. It' like you were reliving an argument you'd had.. I wanted to be there on my mother's life. I wanted to be there. had nothing I could do about it. I the kids. I got a kids. a kids cap. marath You' gonna see play rug me. you don't play rug anymore. Well'll invvent the time machine then if you loved me. Always a reason, isn't it? Oh ha't We haven't got a flux capacitor. I don't know' aorian. The car can do eighty eight miles an hour and you know it sat there, I'm meetating in this The stunning Italian food drking this amazing red wine and crapper. the sunshine, after a game after watching my boys a g of rugb Blog sings opera to us No in the dollar white so that my go. But un that's where you develop your liver pizza. That's right That's where I loved. my love Chicago town started. And since then they've left the stuff correct. Whether it's Part of John's or Pizza Express. What it is, right? They get four for two quids. You know, tiny as well, mineing not b, like you know all the favs cheese. frozen ones take three minutes longer than the chilled ones, but I don't get a fuck because Ill eat them frozen. I don't Some of the boys, their animals like they microwave them. I wouldn't touch our filt. I grilled mine. the nice crusty ones like, you know what I mean? We'll we microwave a pizza like I just stand up in Australia and I was doing a gig and was it was the best stop sh called best the Edinburgh Fest. was it was four Britishs Well the other three I'll be the judge of thisoright Yeah It was Jason Cook. It was the three of was three of them. It was Jason Cook and Carerie Marks with the other two I was on good comies. but at the end good at the but at the end. This guy came me this guy came at to me and alarm bells started to ring Be he was wearing a shirt that said Mr. Bustard on it And I thought this is going to be I thought this is going to be interesting, right? You're going to be wy. No, he was like an old farmer from rural Australia and he'd driven into the gates That leg of the two was in Melbourne. Right. And he came in I went, I'd like a word with you. I said. He went Yeah. I watch this spe the end of my first show every year. haveave doneone for about twenty years. It's the only show I watch I have no interest in any of the other show And my problem is it with, My problem with it is there's always a count P ars. But I'm good at ging the gnt. Okay? so I can always say I'll be that cun and Ill look at the post and think that's the gnt there. There the gnt. Now and then ich one of you acc? I looked at the postar. I've gotta be honest, mate for you wasn't looking good Yes So we just swap the running order every night, right? So I happened to be closing that night So goes,ir Jason, the first guy comes on and he was good. he was funny and I thought I said to my mate he's not a cnt And then Carery, the other guy, he comes on And he's funny, funny guy and I said to my mind he's not a cunt. And then you walked on But said here he comes. He's got of the acc' I went, Oh yeah. Oh yeah slap me hard on the back like really hard in the back and he went Well good news, man. I don't think you're a c. go cheheers. What a review. And then you went to Then he went through every year he'd seen. As I'm sure you will have guessed And the world of British comedy is a small one and we all know each other. Yeah. So I knew every single act on the bill. and he was like, R! two thousand six! Th people I classed as friends. first two. And he's like, Baba, I'm like, ye What I can God You agreed didnt Yeah Yeah, I suppose so. That's all you need me. You don't need five stars. You need can't or not can, That's it. Yeah had difficult first season back because he lost all his confidence understandably again because he'd broght below his chin.. He got an allB and one of the things he got his allB for was for Anglo German ations. So if you think about this he'd been at Man City for a couple of years already by this point. I think he was at Man City Ban. He was a prison of war. He was a prison of war And then never went back to Germany. Yeah and the Bertt Truckman story is not widely known in Germany because he wasn't eligible to play for the Germans because he was playing his club football in England Okay. So he was at Man City from nineteen forty nine, I think. You know, this is Four years after the war had ended, And they were enormous U protests against the fact that he was playing for the club cittity in a large contingent of Jewish supporters and they marched against it. they protested. And the thing with Trump then I've known this story for years And the way I was always told it was he got this OB for Anglro German relations and even before then He was seen as significant for this reason. He changed a lot of people's opinions on Germans and normal Germans for being such a good goalkeeper, being such a brave goalkeeper and being so loyal to carry on film,t. What I haven't realized until I looked into this yesterday is that he was a Nazi war hero when the Iron Cross He he did buy into Nazism and Hitler. Although you could be an Ironcraft winner and not be a Nazi. was Well, I just want to make make say very defensive theyre like I'm not excusing Nazism. It's objectively a bad thing. I'm saying a lot of lot of a lot of the Wehrmach and a lot of the German you know, professional soldier class We consider ourselves to be soldiers, not m. Where he was stationed, he was stationed with a lot of Italians and we would offer I'm glad we wereon. We'ly clear he would often beat up Italian soldiers and steal their fags because he thought the Italians were physically and mentally weak. He was quite a tough broke Trump man I'm with him that want I just find it extraordinary that in a game that physical football was so physical in those days in his neck and he knows he's hurt himselfves because of the Aful lot of ginger rubbey. But what a story. This is why the interternet's good, right? Be my dad told me that story about Troutman Yeah when I was younger Well you were told these things in the old days, it wasn't like they were going to show a pathy news clip from the nineteen forties on TV anytime soon. Yeah. But I can just find them. Yeah You can look them anything He looks like a proper poster boy for the older national socialist mind, doesn't? I mean you love it, didn't you? Yeah There's a lot better Billy behind you there in the bar. It's like an episode of Father Tet. Theres be a place we've gigged here Al right in the Wedgewood roooms in Southse, which is near Oh Portsmouth, ye, yeah. Dinga the comp. Yeah, Dinga iss a great thing So then on the way listens to the pod as well, A you doinger? driving into the gig. there was a Big adft on the side of pink on the side of a house like on on the The gable end of a house. Yeah Be there was like a second wall memorabilia place there I was say secondecond world memorabilia Both sides Guns Well it did in M guns covered. was it was like Nazi goods. Well, I was going in there to buy Nazi goods I't that se stuff, mate? Any nutsy stuff? H ye, yeah, just brsing. what I am interested in is see've I've been brsing the all day stuff Have you got any of this Well, you know, there's two so toy stories. Anything axis based? Axis I mean, hist is the history I mean just a invving. I'ming a real bloody history off me. didn't do it for all level, but yeah, just really interested in the history. I'm doing a bit of research for a book. What's the book called I like Naties, The book's called little music time is apparently when if you were to get in Prince's band in the eighties. Yeah, partart of the audition process was to play your instrument better than Prince could play it. whatever it might be, drums, bass, guitar rhythm guitar, keys. Be what's the point in him employing you otherwise? Yeah. That's great because you do sacks better than that, mate It looks amazing, isn't it? I'm not paid out for that. I write the songs, I sing the songs and I can play all the instruments better than you. Like a proper, like a cool Denis Waterman The hitman and her would have been a very different show. Oh That's P Waterman your silly s. I mean, Dennis Waterman off my sorry, sorry. The hitman and her with Dennis Waterman would be brilliant. My minder with Prince would have been pretty good If you G C Gorge C George Cole is telling Prince because that he's got to drive a consignment of pornography from Waterford to Betel Green. In a te edge white capaprix. For some reason, Pete Waterman turns up. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? A Prince Gurero sent me over Soone' knock in the back Cause Boy George is in the eighteen, isn't he? There's a few of the eighteen. Yeah, there's an episode of Boy Jeord. There's epode of was Boy G Jeord Terble It's a terrible life there It's a great scen. They did a few in a few US series in the eighties. Just assume that Prince never got to a drink in the Winchester in an episode. Allright Athur. Allright, Prince. Allright, Dave. Allright, Prince H amazing. I love Minder as you know. so Oh great program yeah. Well Prince was Ray short wasn't so rec could Dave would have asked if he was underage or not.' off who off who who's a little fellow in a purple What the equipment would be in this country if you'd have like it would be Tyson Fury punching Paul Daniels in the stomach The dynamo. Dyamo Lordp Joshua. punch in d Joshua. It Dynamo the s pxes. On the stage of Britain's go salad. This is the item we need. God. Stop! It's on the camera! on the deck asking if it hurt. Cuse it fucking it! This is the size of it I qu did actually, boys. B Bys m out and their man. Ay Joshua is apologising. Sorry, sorry, I thought you'd done some trading. There's a really rough pub in Berry They said the windows smashed all the time. so they put plastic windows in So then they set fire to the windows, right? So just melted them and Yeah.. But I seem to remember this might be wrong. that in the place of The yard of airglass on the brackets behind the bar was a baseball bat doing You know, help them keep the peace up on a Frid and Satday night. I would think because baseball is so unpopular in Britain. If you're buying a baseball butet it is for nefarious purposes. Oh yeah. Wh you takeular the baseball? Oh, I love baseball. I love it. What are you playing with? My local team. Do you want a ball and a catcher's mitt as well? Nope. I'm all right as a go No, no no've got a nail. I'd love to put a nail in this. What team you playing for Cardiff baseballers. They a good old swwanseie baseball team. The swwanseie lads They should tell you to if you're going to use it for personal protection purposes to buy a ball as well She always got a ball and the bat in the car. Yeahah. because you can get away with that then. You see' go to train it Yeah, mean. If it's just the bat, you' struggling, you get a ball in there okay. this mitt looks suspiciously new and unused. You got the tag on it bat holes and blood. This balls for the first time? Yeah, yeah, I always train with a suffless ball Oh man, but there was a local bitd In the master mind who if you paid a fiver, you put a fiver on the bar, and try to punch him off the barom But if he stayed on the stool, he just kept the fiver. And you'd make dec some money top of his gyro every week doing that sort of thing. God. Ls like thirty forty k of night a good man. Punching a block off a bar stool. Yeah. But it's not something that Ker's officers advise, Is it Mam was a Ker's officer for twenty five years, Have you considered being punched off a bar stool for money U How' your balance your ganglian nerves Those the pain threshold, Pting I look. You could have gripp it onto a bar? Yeah, yeah yeah. Well, I've got just the job for you. Mrter Slice. What was Blaine thinking of? I don't know how was that, But the best thing about that was David Blaine goes into the octagon gets leveled by Kimbo Sice. Yes Kimbo Sice says as well. Kimbo Sice says, Welcome to my office. Yes to the occtagon. Terrifying. You saort jo about you John doing it again, and Kimber says, he's calling me out, he's calling me out. So he does it again. Yeah And then he chose my c. Yes. Yeah, yes. I mean, it's the most talk about a setup If you're the camera crew, do you make him do the card trick first? just in case, just in case. Yeah. That's a very, very good producer's point this.cause for me was thinking. Right Peter, any go he card. Let's do the card trick first. Aent you Okay, for far for him. And I'll wr my ass for a fuck Fuck shick How was work, David. Bad actually bad today another another bad day at the office. I've been shedting blood right up I'm not enjoying it, ma'. I'm not enjoying it. He gave us press on towers, mana for my arort Dear, I'm dear, Why would you? Christ. I read about Kimbo as well. I was reading about yesterday about it. So I think I got a try for Miami dolphins and didn't make the team, which biggest belief for me I't know who got the linebacking job above him, but anyway, whoo's the coach? Who told me? I'd like to be the person who told him he hadn' me the cut. G good news. You are in the team Yes you dro start starting from tomorrow. Like the almond partartridge when he snacks his entire partartridge's productions. Yeah yeah. He's got to d for the next room, you know. Yeah Good news, Kimbo. You've made the cut So yeah, but then after that, so he did that, then he He was a bouncer. D you know this? for the Reity Kings There's a porn, I think this stor might be, I've never seen porn by me, I think called Reity Kings apparently. Okay. And he was like a bouncer for those the bloooks who own reality Kings. He was like a porn star, a porn prodroducers's bouncer as well. So he went the American football route that didn't pan out, became next natural step Yeah, He's gone from there to like a pawn producer's bouncer. From there to the backyard scrapper. Yeah. At no stage has he got one of those jobs that if you need a reference for a mortgage, you can ask for no slice. we see six months of tax returns? No. absolutely. So who wrote your reference? Kimber Sice? I want to see seem it were many things actually. The Kase People have been his backgun. He's a bunch ofer porn stars He's a failed America star. thousand two thousand two Reality Kings, Fired muscle while that was catchhing on. Oh man His record keeping must have been an oppsosite stake, Miss Snate None of that is PAYE. No way. Having watched a couple of Kimball Sice videos on YouTube today, I was trying to imagine a scenario where Kimball Slice wouldn't be up for a fight. A I just I think I just kind't think, well, you know, it's like o Kimbore I'm Do you know? do you know Craig works in Tas going and far as far? I know him to say alo to, but not but I don't know him know him, but I know him to say I talk down in the street, but I don't know him know way if you know his face like I know his face. I know his face, but I don't know him. I know him just to say alo to You seen your videos he'd left of a fight with the ne backs. onn the Sunday C doing on Sunday Art, you know what it is? I'm taking my grandmother to the Phoenix and Gostasa Sunday Sund this scen and iss all organized table And I'd love to, but I can't And they know that they're gonna give her a child's portion because she doesn't like wastteed food. She ate she hes wast of food, my grandmother So you tell Craig from Tesco, it'll have to be another time. It apolog. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He's mad King for the mind Kamp I mean, we didn't callon Kimo in Wales,. We never used two syllables. He just be Kim Kim By Kim ny funny thing, is see, my name's not actually Kimbo Slice. it's Simon slice but for some reason The boys have been calling me Kimbo for a very long time and it's just stack gasty Take care O Say man likes those Christants, so teachers at school were calling me a mum and dad calling me say man But my fighting him on YouTube is Kimboy I slice this out of my debit card And a lot of people don think think it's my mother's card or my sister's card is it's my card or I've only got one card. You're not the same kimbo. You're not the same kimbo slice you Kim that did the Cck film stuff Looking after the boys, like you what me? Yeah, ye, yeah, yeah Yeah, it would Well, the NFL un worked out. she's always good for work. Oh, you play the only America footballer? Id a bit of time as a hot carer but cash it on like all buz little thing like eighty pounds a week and a thin match There' seem to a mom and dad in Bam man at the time. Nothing of trouble attach my with like it. You know Kim Kim B. Hey, don't don't let himim again.im you' spoiling it now you' spiling it. spoiling. are you doing it Kim, Bo nice shape on your mind? How many pressents you do, Kim Gim, Gim Well Kim, how many pressents can do Whove gavin on the pub? We can do sixty three press ups straight throughike with now that was with the fucking Timmy sat in his back manind. You know, Timmy? I don't know him know him, but know I know his face stight. Yeah, nice body, mind me. One leg sh on the other. P Where do you want these these bankes ofentum mo Hold the back here Jesus Christ kimbys, you been a cock fight, don't you Covered in blood m Simon, Simon, don't call me, Simon a friend of the boys m'am Please man God sick, G ex Simon for the boys G we can boys where everyone's been.ed Simon. Itort office everybody gam. That's not the simmon slice I know. We didn't bring you, We didn't drag you up to weimer. We brought you up We didn't bring you up to talk like that with the gutter in your mouth, S man. N easy, ma. Oh Mum Gima McGon putting in some YouTubbe and barars in Ive knocked him out but there's no proper end of the v now is there you're got be sign over over the top of it. You like this one. At least with corpers, they're usually fairly well paid because they're so tall. Yeah. I did one for free ones. Early days of comedy have been going about less than a year, Make them m got married in Exeter. Ask me to come down and do some comedy A his wedding, right? I said, Mate his name's Tom. He lives in Texas now, right? I said, Tom, that's not that's not going to work, mate. Oh please come down. come on. Aful. Yeah. Okay. so I haven't seen him for ten years. We go to Exeter for the wedding. What he didn't tell me was what he said Exeter he meant Exeter Cathedral because because his old man was best friends with Bishop of Exeter, right? So I've got so we have the big rouse. Y it is. So we have the service. Now Tom is not a particularly gregarious blook. so I reckon the average age of the guest there was probably in the seventies. They're all friends of his parents more than anything else. Oh dear dear. So we go back to this little hotel just across from the cathedral green there in Exeter By the time they get to the best man's speech, everyone's catching flies, everyone's fall asleep, they've got their mouth open.s just it is dire. donon't whatind me saying, right He gets he gets on the top table and it says Do do a bit no? I said, Oh, Tom, no, let's just go to the bar, let's go to the bar. He said No, come, please please, please. Shit So I get up now, right? Now I don't know anybody in the room. I only know Tom. Kelly, my wife is with me, doesn't even know Tom, right? So I stand up to do this stand up set, right? for eighty pensioners. I don't know, right For free sat right in front of me and I mean literally eight feet away is the Bishop of Exeter, right? a f in a casssoack with a crucifix on, right? And then the bride's mum and dad are sat to my right. no, the bride's dad is blind and almost totally deaf, right So the only way that he can know us's going on is she shouts my lines into his ear, right? Now I've got no plan B. I've already just started doing comedy. That's no plan B, right? So the bit that stuck in my mind is went I'm looking right at the bit of Exsta. So I've got to do this line, so I don't know I got like I said, there's no other option. So do I commit to the line The wife turns down to the husband, it goes And then he fingered her And the Bishop of Exeter gave me the most withering look imaginable These are the biggest ban sporting skill I've ever clapped eyes on. Oh God The greatest game of show vap I've ever happened across. Like who like in?, this is the best video I've ever seen. No one speaks like that anymore, do they? No one speaks. People are afraid to speak like where they're from. At what point did that become peopleople think that wasn't appropriate for TV or that wasn't I mean I've seen some of dws there late television, you're gonna be kiding me. That's not as watching because a blloke doing a roule out wheel. or some blloke selling trousers on QVC get fuck There was a Welsh program called pooems and Pints Oh yes, a the album. That had people like Ryan Davis, the comedian and Max Boyice, Rjut Maleck. husband? Oh go Oh, Philip Maddock. Philip Maddock o. Yeah. And it was filmed in a pub in the valley somewhere And it's actually quite a cool format in front of a load of piss people and then there was wheel tappers and shentters under ally Exactly Yeah, well done I watch on a regular basis. I think we told about this before I regularly come back from gigs or if I don't sleep well at night, I watch bullseye all the time. Yeah. Yeah, yeahah. Well those programs What I lash? Have they been live HD? They were televising people at wh were doing anyway in that it was actually quite I think it was probably quite inacurate betrayal of working class culture in the seventies. I mean nowadays, if it was a portrayal of working class culture below the people on their phones. I if I don't know if you could televise that. Lad of texting He sns the best line of cocaine. I've seen in many al long year. Yeah yeah. Sharon is very, very quick on Whats up Whether it's emoji on or actually type in words there's nobody quicker in Rothotheram. If it's self as you want, Bom Cn's Davy is the man. You should see his Instagram filter game. Oh indoor league, Ioor shit league Into phone leak yeah. no it's not just iPhones, Samsun galaxies, Googles, Androids, there's nothing he can't text on He happen H whatce sw with the motorlla back in there This lad's very good at illegally streaming sport. He's only actually got a free voo box. he's got none of the BT sport or skky sports channels, but he always finds a link What young Kyl doesn't know about private browsing doesn't need to be known He leaves a very small digitalgrrant Young Helifah Halifax is the absolute queen of plenty of fish. Here she goes, look. and it cock snaps like rightright and center. But you'd still get Fred Truman present. Oh yeah. Of course you' get a young eighteen year old. No K presenting it. He swipes right like there's no business. Look at him Swiing right out of his ne tomorrow Three blro jobs in a day and it's still not too much for him. Oh this is Phil. He's addicted to gambling on his phone. He's got all of the apps. He's sold everything in the. familyily life's in terrible trouble His wife left him crush crushed with self doubt. It's fun But let's watch him play some bingle for. Hope he's lost again. Football, graham racing horse racing and he knows literally nothing about horse racing. That's the terribly tragic thing. Lucky charms, there's nothing luck in Helen's life Here we go. there's young Jane there. Young Jane from Castleford. Happen you've seen her a few times, fingering herself on video. She Hey, that's right You can fall in the tunel whatever you'd like to see And she's happ She'll happily double penetrate herself dealing. Or dominoes, they could still televise that So what have we got on your walls as a kid? Lot of Ean Rush. Yeah. Ryan Gigs. Less rankings, I didn't like money and I did, but I did it was rankings in a wells shirt Okay. Yeah. And then around the time of you were say ninety four I thought I'll just put up any poster of any footballer so So qu rand wed, Martin Darlen who used to play for Sweden. Kenneth Anderson who played for Sweden. Well I had Buck Rogers wallpaper. So just a tweaky. All of them. Yeah Sweaky with Dror Theoplis. obviously Buckam Wilmmer and thenincess Princess A Darla wasn it? No I wasn't I remember now? Tweaky and Theo. I was into comic books, so I had Yeah, to those Ny stuff, like Judge Drered stuff and whatever And then there had a little shelf in the corner of my room a right above my bed. So underneath the shelf I could look up at night, there was a character called Venus Blue jeans in two thousand eighty. It was a genetic infantry woman who genetics had been altered So she could live in the poisonous soup of an atmosphere on newew Earth. But because it was a comic book and it was in the eighties, she used to wear not very much for a sol gloth, fair... She used to wear a bra and sort of combat. What are the chances and a bandolia. She had white eyes, with no pupils, just completely white eyes Blue skin exceptally and a Mhawk And very big breast. But again, what are the chances for a soldier? For a soldier? And so she was in I should look at her well every night and have a big old think. I think about how she could breathe on Eth. Oh yeah imagine were go imagine ever to breathe on N new earth Lucky cow. So yeah,' doing a thing likeike thinking again Yeah, just Th about about genetically alterered infantry people, m In a way. Yeah, so in Ven' blue jeans, Buck Roger' wallpaper And then I had some Duran dan posters All right, fuck off. What's wrong with this? That's a gear change. I just didn't expect ye. I didn't have any sports posters. I drnded around posters, Venus blue jeans, and just load of b in the twentyenti first century. It's porn basically. And then I had o I did have a bit of I had of porn born. I had a piece of paper that was signed by John the Davis That's not a pornography. It is for M. No No. It is for me and Reay G out. Although when I was old, when I was in university, my have this amazing athena poster in my room university, right? The tennis was just no much better than that This massive poster and just it was called a Room with a view, right? Right. It was just a very large breasted woman leaning out of this like French shuttered window and just a bra, right? Enormous cleavage. idiot. And I got a photograph where my Canadian girlfriend came over to visit. We only have one table in the house, so I put that table upstairs my bedroom for a bit of privacy And I made this shit meal. I thought being old romantic, right? But it was right under the room with the new poster So it was like a ball of shit wine. sppaghetti polynies. and just is massive perrites Oh my gosh, a lucky woman I gott to show you the photograph. I'll try and anw. It's hilarious. What was I thinking of? Why didn't you take it down your map buster? I'm just what do you know I'm like? I'm who I am, Mask you askking? Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, take me as I am I don't take me at all. If you don't accept me at my wororse, you don't deserve me at my best. This is my best. Lelieave it or not. Wait wait till you see the worst If one you'd had a rumblefish poster, I supp something you could have Whide you your depth? I was into Oopps Oh. Yeah Like could take aice sport and music. if anyone listen, I want to do a boo pocket Oh, Bom pot B Don't le Steph in charge of the bloody treasure Anal, whatever we do. That B z three underscore one B. so muching Steph somehow dark and chilling documentaries about boobs. So we're playing rugby against Trevizo I was up in Cardiff Met, which is then Uick, the play against Trevizo. I was capt in that game actually. It was the first game of the season. under floodlights on in the midwek They at the time of the Italian men's champions, Oh, this is going to be great. We're playing the Italian men's chps, you know? So for moma and dad you got up to college tonight we could play in Treviso, the Italian champions. I'm captain. So muma dad came up, It was like a seven o'clock kickoff. We're in the change room getting ready and we're putting the boots on and putting the socks on everything else. and shoulder pads have just come into rugby, the sort of those foam little the foam shoulder pads Yeah, yeah, lot of the boys wear now A few of us had those bought those new that season. I put my shoulder pads on Another afterry came in in when He said N six, W place, W place. C up, wor please. I said I said, what's some mana? You went Take your pants off, please, takeake them off. I said noone of they the proper their rugby pants are. They're from No, no, they're illegal. They't been sanctioned by the IIB. Take them off. I said, No, they have' been. I said, it's this season you can wearem No, you gott to take them off. I said, find the other boss. I said, Boyys pads off The ref not happy with him, take him off. and then you could see those little bit pissed off. Well he want done over an arguments. We we said that Number six, come here, please, word, please Another word, please So what's matter if you went there I tell to dove your kid right? It's a friendly game, not a league match. I'll go next door, right? If the Italian boys are wearing shoulder pads, I'll you boys keep your shoulder pads on, is that fair I said, Yeah, fair enough Fthl us, thank you. Alry, thank you for that. Two minut later, al right, he's back in. Number six, on the way please. I said, ye, yeah. comeome here please. ye yeah said put the pads back on, kid. tell any other boys can put their pads back on as well I I love you said the Ital boys are wearing shoulder pads as well, are they? You went. No, they are fucking massive Thanks, Reff. Thank you. In fact my stag I mentioned my stag before here we go. No, but I feel like I've been on this stag. My stag we had a game of Touch Ruby of the drug mioned which was in The little training ground near St. Helens where they o on the a bit of then But the first pub Wh's the cricket is? that's where we had for first drink of my stay. But in the morning we all got up to my house in Card of and watched a grand slam. They started drinking fairly heavily. and there was a fecal Allen for o, this is it. Lcal Allen from the pub, right He's a strange cat Allan The first time I met him in the pub was about six months before my stay. Right And bit of an odd character. Did you not have many friends, Mike? I was to say seventeen people went. So I was a family. But I was Allan from the pub Yeah. But listen, yeah, I didn't invite Alan six months after you met Alan I didn' invite him. I didn't invite him. So We used drink at my local We mate Rob and I and we met this Allen dude And the first I came back, he was doing like back flips in my living room It's a very strange man, right And always quite full on. So the night before my stack I'm in the pub with Rob, and I said, Christ Allans. I said for Jesus Christ's sake, don't mention the stack tomorrow, whatever you do, right? Now Rob it was a practical joke part excellence, right? So Allan comes over, A Mine comes sticks he's from Manchester,rigin', say All right? Yeah, kid me. Rob is what are you doing to straight away? What do you doing tomorrow It was literally the first setcause. notothing wine. good. Ms to have a stagn like you on you want to come along the swans other. cubinar, right So we had a seventies theme stagmic, Grand Slam theme stagmic the next day. So all the boys here from booy from Canada, some B booy from Wales. seventeen of us All in the room watching bit the g and some having a beer. I knew four of them, it was great. Gary the pub. The door rings and there'sere's Allan. Allan's dress is a nineteen sevventies pimp, right? He. He's got a pink hat on with a feather in it, right? All the gear, Jesus of Christ. We're getting in the cricketers' now my mate You know I to teacher with those there he's a Brmyad, He's a West Bram fan, right? And the Cickish is quite a rough pub these days, quite tough a tough part of Swansey. Alan's making a real tweat at himself, right? And it was goods yes, I didn't fucking know. It's blumk for the pub. betteret like four times. I' I didn't inv He's my best my friend. Next thing Alan does, right? For a laugh. this is sort of wacky character he was There There's like a bik in there. There's a couple bikers in all the gear and the cricket is right? And one's girlfriend is in there with a pram Allan takes the pram out of the pub. Oh my God For a laugh, right? So next thing, this boat come after and got like this what the fuck you doing, you know? Oh calm down, Were al joke, you made make it calm down, calm down.'ve all I was going to bring you straight back, right? So like some bikers kid in a pram. and I'm just taking out. Jesus Christ. So my mate I is basically there, right I talk with. I would have a heart attack if that happened to me. He turns around to and he turns around to me and when this bloke finally calmed down and went, Why didn't you back me up, mate? He goes 'cause I'm not your mate, and I think you're c And then he left the stagger. I've never seen him since. Oh my God. Because Barob was a proper dickade. This is the same fellow. He's a m mud, he's in the Navy I tell you the story when Rob' stayed at my house, he was always doing Daf shit I to have a nice flat on the bay. I think you came to it though I don't know. Yeah. And a nice flat in Cardiff Bay And Rob came, I mean, Rob put my shoes in the oven. he'd leave jam in my boots. That's annoying. Why am I going say this'sair annoying. Fairly low grate, inviting Dick E to my stagnate all this sort of stuff My my one of my passionions is painted, right So I bought this big canvas being like three feet by three feet canvas. I took a photograph of where grandad's buried in the Welsh valleys, Abervan cemetery and I painted it. It was lovely. right in the foreground is this angel. I'll show you one, I'll show you the picture, right? It's this angel praying And then there's like the valleys behind, it's all quite stylized, quite nice, you know We won't be going up So the next day we haven't crumpetsover, Kedy wakes up. I'm in the room Rob. He, Rob. Allright, Kelly, are you left? Yeah. All right, Mikey, I could I sity I' up b Chan Oh my god, what's the manner? Who's drawn a cock on the angel of Abelane's right? I said, what? Who ds onw a cock on the angel of Aboane? And then come out this angel's hat. Come out this angel's hand right right in front of my granddad's grave is this massive cock and bolf in Marapel He thought was hilarious that So fast forward, right to the wedding day, right And Kelly's gndad's no longer with us, God bless us so much. He died a couple of monuts ago. We have this lovely this white suede guest book at the wedding, right? And I'm going to leave a lot of messag. So my mum, my dad, Kelly's mum and dad and then the grandparents and then a granddad did a lovely Pace to me and Kelly. Really heartfelt. He had a beautiful handwriting as well, right? So the next day we're going through the guest book in the hotel down in the mumbles there. Oh this is love, lookook at this, look at this, look at this in the ger sry at the mumbles I saw this weird looking gndad's written and there' thisautiful thing hadd written All I said, Oh that's loveone. What a nice, what a chatm I turn the page, right? There's a massive cock and ball drawn in the back oft So I can't rip the page up. So a guessbook for a wedding has got that on the back I said, I said, Why do you draw cock and balls on the wedding book, R? that wasn't me, mate. I said, it's the same cock and ball. You always draw them the same. I've considered it a stand up on this though. I have never in my life been to a wedding where there's been a guest book where by midnight there hasn't been a cock and ball's at least somewhere Thats the easiest one. The cockon balls with a a dash loner spunk Good right over the valley and landing on Mirth the Vil. E even the school runress su that. Not only have I gott to imagine it, I've gone to schoolore it wearing a stetson on the school run.. If my dad had worn a stetson on the school run, I would I would still be a cowboy does. It would be therapy. In context, it is a great look. The context of cowboying. Yes Look at the out of context of the actual process of being a cowboy I would agree it's kind of odd But that's like most things, isn't it? How little you know? I googled bull riding deeaths because I thought surely someone's died doing this. Yeah. And the first Google search was bull riding deaths this year. Okay, so then it's an extremely dangerous spook. I mean in terms of danger, something like NFL, it blows NFL out of the water. the deaths and injuries. Well it's got an uncontrollable animal in it for starters. If you are a TBR Bll There's not many bulls on the planet living a better life than you. You're eating the best food, you're sleeping in the best Hotels Y that. You shaging cows Left hand center because they want to keep your bloodline going. A friend of mine When we do work experience at school He wants to work for a TV company So the local TV company inclally happened to make Kevin Gand, which is the SOC version of country File, I suppose. They were making an item on them the guy who ran the local bull stud And so they just followed him around it was like a sort of a day like madam for bulls. Yeah, like like a day in the life or a week in the life of running out. Did he have like a pink hound with a big feather in it, did he? No, becauseuse he was not everybody man. Because he was an old farmer for a uggy bear of the bull f industry. Valdo we was. My teena girl ran a shop called Siemen World in Cand shut up. whyy have you never he all this paraphernalia? That shouldn't be the first thing you said comeome out the market It was my auntie Uncle's shop, that was anyway. Shut up. It was true, That's completely true Well I just glt h Right Right. So what does the sign look like for starters? Oh just just seemen worlding capitals And it was all the paraphernalia from bullhyer comp. in why should we call item and paraphernalia? Yeahes. So when where should an aotter which means bottled bll So my mate my mate said the stuff that ended up on the market wasisting I my market. Was there a record stall next to it? for like secondhand records? Records. P go there bought some honey? Yeah, yeah, Bullpunk. I've for the name of your hand. Some Atisan bread No, you're not buying the bull spun, you're buy the p P famamalia too create balls. got a. got se Saeel, there's no seamen there. Oh Bloody Ols. I'd be a disppointment. You getre shut down with the traitor It sounds like a ridius A really crap theme park. So old traded standards went under. They were falling around for a week It Tarapotle Tarapotle, is bull in a bottle. This guys I don what it was Everyone in Loy's family see S looks to me familyanqu are going and I'm buying KY jelly and Batch So you you look back the artificialy N then play bers penis in the actor fish which like they look and they would look like Hint of jes. Wanking off a bull. A and fny And brilliant Let see this stuff on the kiten.'usting. I'm like yeah because I'm So need if I did I going on the farms the La area This is why you think cowboys aren't cool. Becauseuse the only cowboy you know is some dodgy old prep who wanks off bulls into fake fannies. Then he goes line dancing with your mum. swear an overall. He wasn't wearing a stesson. I gu as he's driving to Trialit to wk go of bull in an I What do you do todayla? But you said, pint, pint they good look at me very strangely. I buy the amount of kwa jelly I buy. Everyone looks at me very strangely and the can Miss Andy Lordes with a amount sheer amount of glube They They must think's your uncle's bumming arounduntie racket No, no, shop. They sell the vaginas, Mike. It's a very different experience. They sell the v I mean, they ran a farm. It was money on the s so. What if they model them on like the best looking cows famanies? like You like a Jeff striker dill though, can't you? I don't know. I don't know what they model the fact A bulls that fussy At my age, you only really see That side of the family Christmas, the Od Feral. That sounds plenty, meate to be honest. What have you bought me again this year,'? Oh, you haven't. Tell me I think I know what this is. What I like about doing this podcast a bit doing like radio shows I've done in the past is in the past I would have spent five or ten minutes trying to think of a great segwue between wanking off a bll and a clip of Briano Driscoll No Now I can't be asked. So for instance, we had a straddle vault competition once in the gym, right? So A strradle vae is where you said the s up long ways Okay and you hit your hands on it, you fe go by the side of the box. So you come off a trampette, use your a springboard I think we love a trampet. I think we just a trampette for this one And then he just moved the trampet further and further away it's all about flight onto the box, flight off the box and body posions and everything. So I thought they'd be quite impressed with us. I moved it back about six feet from the box and did a straddle vault perfect. I smashed it as well. N they landed. Of course he did. We had a kid there called Luke Lewis who was in school with us. I taught. And you'd been about year eight then year nine But I think when he's a kid he brokeen both his legs was spent like a year on crutches. And just was a freak like he used to come up from by gym cllub when he was in the year six after the secondary school and he had like a six pack then, right So by the time he was in year eight, he was really built look like youd be trying to do the register and you couldn't find him and he'd be like He'd be Spider Man style pined to the ceiling with his hands and his, comeome down, please. So I'm doing this gym demonstrry. so can you do that, sir I said I'd wantan I make you want have a go it. let me move a bit closer for you first though. but he smashed it so It ends up me and him having a competition, right And a couple of other kids are into it. I don't want to lose to a kid whatever happens. But in the end, of course this bloody trampette was miles away from the box and my nuts were just about clearing it. I mean just. And a couple of the kids, like three or four of the kids had wearing their bollocks on it and gone face first into the mat and smashed into the box. So the end of the run up, we've got to do weve. We've got to open the thing. Weve got to open the gym door. and start a run up in the corridor but there's no room in the gym, right? There's Mr. Bubbins running past yourog me again And so the last jump that I did I thought, Christ, I've just got away with that. and I could feel my undercarriage just brushing the bloody. I said, lookook, don't do that mate. We'll call it dra. I'll do it sir.'ll it. And he flew over it, Luke, right? And they said O's your gl. Well I had to lose face. I'd to say to her really. thirirteen year old kid, no, you beat me there, I mean fair play to you Punish him afterwards? No, nice kid. you know what? This is me because I'm all risk and reward mate. This reminds of a story actually. I'm all risk and reward. Go on what about risk? I was in I was playing rugby in Calgies. fififteen twenty years ago, right I was out one night with my friend Nikki And there was a very attractive girl there on the dance floor. I thought goh she's o oh, I'd like to get there I thought I'd like her. She was in front of the queue when the God was handing out her. Well, listen, so long story short. And this is obviously years before I got married and before I met Kelly. I end up Back of this young ladies place in Calgary that night. No, I don't know her at all. I know I haven't even spoken to her. She doesn't even know she's she's bo followed her She's in the boot. She She didn't know we'd arrived. No, she Not Yeahes, I get back to this place. I know her first name And I know where we are, right? where she lives. 'use I'm in the house. Yeah. that's all I know. I know I'm in the house Yeah, so I'm there and I've had a couple of yearsers. We've had a good night out and like I said, so we're ha onving a chat. And then I'm sat on the sofa. Yeah And then I see a cat. Now I don't particularly like cats, but I was at the time of player, so I'll fail interest, right? You' pretend you' like a cat to get off. Yeah I'll do Yeahah, I will. I said what's the cat's name? She said bllue. I said, Oh why blue She it used to be blue bualls because blue bualls over E el was a big thing over here. Blue balls basically is when you get The testicles.' you don't ejaculate after a period of time and you blue balls is big bollocks, right? She I saidw Oh blue Bs. She said yeah, he' just blue now because I cut his balls off, she said I said, what you decided to leave? Well no, no, this is the thing. so I said I saw it I cut. off.. what I said to There' key word there. Well I said to her I thought I misheard her at first. I said, What do you mean when did you say you cut his balls off? I said you mean you mean it castrated. She said no eye castrated I got I said, what I said I got a minute. I won't tell you a name. I said She said, No, I'm a veterin nurse. She said, that's what I do for a living anyway She said, so I love the cat, so I would do a better job myself than give it to somebody else I said, So how did that work then? She said, Well, I just brought the stuff home from work. She said, and in the kitchen, I got the scalpel, removed his testicles. I want a deck killed roubers next to us. Sutured it, you know, dressed the wound and everything and said o sin,, that's why I do every day I' She said he wasn't in any sort of pain. She said She said I could cut your balls off when you're asleep and you wouldn't wake up. She said I would cut your balls off while you werere asleep and you wouldn't even wake up. I justp that. Also I've gone I'm not even in the rest. then But then this I was saying of a risky reward, right? Yeah I've got the devil and the ains on my shoulder now Yeah. and the the angels go in You should probably leave now Beause you don't know this girl. You've only met her two hours ago. She's definitely cut her cat's balls off. Her ice breaker Her ice brereaker is she's cut her own cat's boallocks off on a chopping board in her kitchen There's a lot of cellophone on the walls in this house. And then she's followed that up with. She could cut your balls off while you're asleep and you wouldn't even wake up But then the devil's on way the shoulder go But she is pretty, mate, and you've got a chance and you've got a chance And you've got a chance of a leg over, right? Long story short, I decided to stay the night Right and We did what two adults were allowed to do. Voted. Voted I votke some fags. I remember waking up in the morning. And the first thing I did was check if I had my balls between two my lig still too much risk? And I did. No, but' I'm saying risk and reward. I mean it was much risk. It was worth it was worth the chance The chance of losing my boocks. to get a leg over. The difference between me and Mike Is I think Mike would like to live a short, exciting life. Yes. Whereas I would like to live a really, really long life when nothing happens. Iron, at what point did he think this has gone too far? Oh God R I find do ofes? We got two minutes for it later later Two minutes for a chat T two minutes for a chat. G Graham. It's quite important. I'm a lion Graam, you know the fans of chatting Alldie's is a liar I'm a bad, bad liar. I don't know George Braham. I've never him he's not my cousin. And even if he was my cousin, that doesn't mean that I'd be good aiful boy. That's the other thing. what if I was David Beckham's cousin? Yeah, I might still be shit Yeah Football is a brother, is it? Football's not a hereditary position You you marry your cousin? It was like, you know, that's how distant they are. We've pointed that out before I mean I got off with George a couple of times. It doesn't mean I'. You might get a trige your golf with Gege Weir Oh, I had to prove it with pictures on your phone? That's the ping off for George Wayer. That's me evoker Res. Can you bring some ph h please? Yeah Yeah. I would go off with any footballer to get a Premier League. Sty, would you? Not a problem. You dow he would. Yeah, that's exactly when I was sixer. I'd lick him all over for a game with the Premier League A in if you're listening Hey, sorry, andf Hey, that was overly harsh and B are you up for it? Yeah. And see, can you confirm I got a Premer Leagueame on the back of it? Yeah. Be I will need that in writing. and I will need to check that. I do want to see that certificate. Oh my God It's Liverpool versus Arsenal here at Annefield. It's the big kickoff. The three PM kickoff and skkiess soccer Sunday newew player Mike Bubbins who got off with the endowy in the week. J Klop of course said that he's perfectly happy to play Bubbins in a front three alongside Sa, Rinio Well I is forty eight years of age. He's never played football snugy and dowy for two and a half to three minutes un stipulated. G going to the Premier League guidelines Sry said he's got no idea how good Bubbins is. word on the street is that he's not great. he's morbidly obese Liverpool defending champions, of course Arsen still have had a good pre season. They As he salutes the cop Bins it's his taking will he get a second game at Unfield They to my score, that top's coming straight off you well. Never mind the yellow card. swinging around your head. Oh my go. Virgil Van Dyke there telling Bubbins where to stand at this corner kick. Iins his lack of phitional scense becoming fairly obvious for all to see. Played ruby to a fairly high standard. That's completely irrelevant today. thirty years ago. And he's been sent off He incredible Predictably Fuffin's predictably head butting Grish Jaka It' really awful. Oh my God. He's refusing to leave. He and Dy shaking his hand with disbelief Oh good.' kind of good never have to analyze it Back to the studio. It doesn't know where so stands He is not fit and he doesn't know way to stand. his face touish is woeful and I mean woeful Ohoy But you got off with the entire uness Okay. Th are the res Rlls and res that I don't agree with it gu I don't agree with it. None of the explan I'm gonna Is putinging the game into distribute S's gonna have a heart attord and he's done not. Okay she just kids. It sport. What's that mean? Thet mean not? I think you can see in Clock's eyes, he's got that he's gotta play him and he's gotta play him. We all watch the kiss It's just televised You couldn't breath off my heart. I genuinely thought you were going die What way to go