Shame Well and Performing Disasters

This july fourth at Lowe's, get up to forty five percent off select major appliances. Plus, save eighty dollars on a select Charboy Performance series gas grill, now two hundred ninety nine dollars . Our best lineup is here at Lowe' s . Low's we help you save . Valid through seven eight. While supplies last, selection varies by location see Low's dot com for more details . Visit your nearby Lowe's on Tanal Avenue in North Bergen Ellis James and John Robins. Radio Radio Hello everyone. Welcome to the Ellis James and John Robins podcast No correspond ence to read out this week. Thank you as always for all your messages which are all read . Ellis , did you watch the new series of Queer Eye? Unfortunately not not, no yet. On the list though make a little appointment for Tear Town Really? Absolutely I was a mess I watched all eight of them with my full time F in two days How. emotional she does find it ? Like she will get emotional at the main sort of two beats of the episode. Yeah, yeah. I will be welling up as they describe the person in the opening sent.ence Right, okay. It really it triggers something in your life. Oh man, well, stoic dads yeah . Oh mate. There's one with a stoic dad with two kids. His wife died of cancer . They're leaving the home that they had together for him and the kids to sort of make a new start . And they make a little cupboard, spoiler alert, they make a little cupboard for all her cards that she's written for her kids and they engrave it with her handwriting, Alice. Yeah, I very much part of the Stoic Dads scene. Oh, well, if Stoic Dads make you weep an embarrassing amount in front of your full time GF or F BF or F brackets M closed brackets , then or your W or your H. I cannot commend the new series of queer eye to you . And there is an episode of this girl Jess , who is an African American lesbian who was thrown out of her adopted home when she came out when she was outed as gay Oh my god , I was just I don't think I've ever that's not true. I don't think I've in the last month cried solidly for a full hour. Do you know what do you know what really hits me about that program . People men, especially older men who don't feel that they can make an effort with how they look because when they grew up it was frowned upon, very much part of that scene Also , people who grew up in small towns and didn't fit in and are unhappy, but can't see a way out of their circumstances. And also when they meet gay people for the first time because they might live in this sort of Bible belt in America and they like them even though you would assume that they wouldn't. There's just something about two different cultures coming together that really, really affects me. Also, anyone basically grew up in a small town on Queer Eye, that's that's a trigger for me. Izzy doesn't find it as upsetting she not? Well, I would have thought that was right up her alley. Absolutely. But I think the dynamic is very similar to shower you and your full child. The episode with Jess . Okay , or the episode with the Stoic Dad, or to be honest, any of the episodes. What I find moving is Rob Becket altogether now on BBC one. I've not seen . There's a hundred judges who know about singing. A hundreds judges. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you kidding me? One of whom is Jerry Arleywell. So likes the voice but if there was a hundred ? Yeah . So they're all a bit like celebrity squares. They're all on top of each other's. And there's a hundred there's a hundred of them right. It's a dream, you don't know. It's not this an episode of the Hunger Cat. Absolutely not, right? So you'll get a car salesman from Ponta Prive who always sings around the showroom. Yeah . And he will sing , he sang queen, actually. Which eenQu song did he sing? Anyway, so he will say, I love singing on the showroom, my customers love it. All of the staff it puts a spring in their step and then they sing from the hundred judges and you sing your song for the first minute I think and then once a minute has been the judges are allowed to get up, dance and join in . Now if the more people join in, the better chance you have of winning . So there was this amazing woman on a couple of weeks ago and I think ninety eight people joined in. Unfortunately for me, I was back in him to the hilt, the Ponte Private car salesman. He only got forty one people joining in. A lovely girl from Kent for whom singing was her life only had seventeen people joining in. Now you think, Oh that's tough, but it is held together with a plomb by Rob Beckett, who is very, very, very funny. Oh, he's great . He is so good off the coast. Naturally, lightning quick. Yeah, yeah, he's very, very funny at his football . I saw once, he dribbled past about three players in the middle of the pitch and then took a shot from a full fifty yards . I said , Rob, why did you do that? He went just so glory . And he really, really makes me laugh. But yeah, Izzy's obsessed with altogether now. She'll watch it more than once. I need to text ing it actually and tell him how much I enjoy it because never really been part of the Saturday evening light Ent scene or certainly not for a very, very long time, but I think it's made for me now those programs . You know , I used to like I used to like blimming documentaries about prison and now I just want to see car salesmen singing. That's one to one hundred judges . Any budget for that show must be insane. Oh yeah, well it's Saturday night BBC one's, isn't it? But if they're paying, say they're paying each judge five hundred quids. None of the fifty grams. Yeah, and they're not going to be paid Jerry Hallowell fifty quid, five hundred quid, are they going to be paying something more? Yeah, but they can't have no idea how much. They can't be paying the judges a grand each one hundred grand. But the budget on BBC one Saturday night liked, it's like eight o'clock or something. It's one of their big shows. I wonder if Rob is I think Rob's doing it for free . I wonder if all the judges are on the same money . Good question and I wonder if there is rumour amongst the judges about what other judges are on. Good question. When you say they join in, they start singing they start singing along. That's a lot that must get messy, surely. Well, they're all professional singers. So they're either like opera stars or music teachers or they're in bands. So they can all sing. They're like doing their own thing. And that's what you want. I watched a woman from Northern Ireland and she was there with her Merman grandmother. And I'm a real sucker for very elderly grandparents. And so the grandmother's obviously still proud of us. She was sat there, but the mother was probably in her fifties . And so as soon as the minute ticked, right? So they were allowed to join in. They didn't join in. And she said something like, Oh, join in for God's sake. And I just thought, yeah, go on, mum, you tell them. I just loved it. Absolutely loved it. Anyway, it is my turn on the Keeper's session sessions coming up so, stay tuned for that. Here comes a show. Ellis James and John Robbins. Radio X . You're listening to radio X. I am John Robbins and to my left, Wales's most medium man , picking up the annual award in Cardiff, judges marked him mediumist in height , looks and ambition. It's mister Ellis James. Good afternoon, John. That's the thing. I split whales down the middle. You absolutely do. I'm every man. You are middle of the road. Absolutely what? I thought you were going to insult me there, but now I was gonna make a point about you're middle of the road, but you don't drive in the middle of the road. You're not a middle lane hogger since it became an offence punishable by three points. Absolutely. Although I never actually did that anyway because I'd read the Highway Code. Good for you. How are you, John? I'm okay, man. I'm okay. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. You look tired Yeah, I didn't sleep very well last night. A few sort of thought spirals whacking around the old dome. Classic. But traditional ones, your classics or new ones? New shame? Not really sort of shame, just sort of too much information. I remember I was lying in bed, my heart racing, thinking, you just got too much information in your mind . So I sort of tried to Well, you're the closest hum an I know to the internet . Thanks, Pan. You know, you like the BBC News website and Wikipedia all in one very worried bloke. Well last night it was like I was f aiber optic broadband with no download limits . Oh yeah, but with parental restrictions on. Oh good, good, good. Thank you, thank you. So what time do you get to sleep? I think about two. What times you wake up? About six forty five. Why? Just the worry . And you know, sobriety, yeah , that 's a thing. That's the thing. That's what they say about sober people, isn't it? I think you will wake up after four and a half hours if you don't drink. They do say that . Also, I think I'd been too many screens . Yeah. Yeah,. ye Yeahah. It was that annoying thing where I was about to go to bed at eleven and then I checked the Snooker scores because I was doing my sort of weekly checkup on Ronnie O'Sullivan's career stats. A tail as old as time. And Neil Roberts on and Mark Selby Yeah, were in a final frame decider of the first round of the players championship, which is like nothing is like a sort of pretty minor event. You can't turn that off. It's a compelling snooker. But then up I wasdating the live score and I was like, Why hasn't anyone scored for twenty six minutes? And then I watched it on TV and they ended up having a fifty six minute final frame decider. Right, right . And whilst you're an addict . Whilst that was a snook your snooker loopy. Whilst that was in one eye, in the other eye, I was on my new game Alto's Odyssey trying to unlock the final player, which I did. Okay . And it just all was too much. It's too much. It's too much stimulus . Blue light from the screens. Yeah , the fact that you hadn't drunk magnes with gin and it means you're gonna be awake John. And I had to do like six weeks . Six weeks . And then there was an owl hooting , which initially I found very relaxing and sort of nice sort of country sound. Then it was starting to get a little bit annoying and then I was concerned that the owl might actually be in distress. Yeah , because initially it's nature can be annoying, can't it? It can. You know, you want nature in very small twenty minute doors, I think. Mud, flies dogmas, the dark side of nature absolutely. Have you tried getting dog mess out of the grips of an Antedasamba shoe? No, because I've never why I don't wear those shoes and I never stand in dogmas. What you've never stood in dogmas? Maybe five years ago was the last time. John , it's gonna happen. Not if you maintain constant vigilance on the ground. Yeah, but I mean, if you're constantly looking at the ground field of dogmas, think about what they call the life you're missing at on. My neighborhood is very dog heavy , and whilst in the main people seem to be quite good about it, I just constant vigilance. Right, okay. I stood in Dog Mess about two years ago and I've got to be honest, it's as bad as you remember. I know. The stench of it, John. I know. You told this anecdote at the time. Well , I'm going to review it. I'm going to review this. Imagine telling an anecdote about stepping in dog mess twice in your life. Imagine telling it once. All right . You were outside Joe Bran's house? No, I wasn't. That would this is different dog mess. Oh good. This is in front of me. I just feel sick .. Sorry Ellis James and John Robins. Radio Radio John, just a quick question. Yesterday I just did a burp. Did that register ? Well , I mean sorry fingers crossed it didn't. John pull yourself together . You're potentially birthing on national radio . Come on, you're better than this. I saw a man yesterday , he must have been about, I don't know, sixty five , long hair, sideburns Hawkwin T shirt . I saw a bloke in a laundrette this morning and he reckon he was about seventy, white hair and he had that Jean Vincent sort of Teddy boy Ciff haircut . Because something people don't know about you, Alex, you love people watching. You just like to go to a cafe with your note pad , not necessarily with any prepared ideas about what you're going to do, but you just like to watch people come and go . And you'll think who is that? What' gus hisy story? And that's where you get all these sketches from. Yeah, but people say, What is his story? And I always respond. I say, I'm everybody's story. Yeah, because I love people watching. Yeah. That's well, whenever, you know, the first, probably forty dates I went on with just people watching. Just people watching. Yeah . So we would go to a cafe. We'd never speak . I would insist on that. And we would people watch for sometimes seventeen or eighteen hours. So you got the guy's sixty five year old Hawkwind. Yeah, yeah. Vincent. He looked like he basically he looked like he'd gone to see Hawkwind in nineteen seventy and hadn't changed his outfit and same with a Gene Vincent Laundrek guy , and it made me wonder when you gonna change your look, John? What? Because you've been quintessirt guy now for probably twenty years. Certainly as long as I've known. It's probably twenty three years since my first queen t sh isirts.ues twenty three years , right? Now I admired Hawkwind Man, and I admired the Gene Vincent Rock and Roller because he's sepenty and I bet he loves it coming his quiff Martin Lamar style . But at what stage do you think to yourself, I'm gonna move on. Well, were you wearing a velve underground t shirt? Yeah, I know but this is cool. Sorry, that doesn't make sense. No, it is cool. It is cool. Okay, but the reason I'm asking you this is we're both approaching forty, John. Some closer than others. Yes, but you're closer to forty than thirty's. Well, then forty makes more sense makes sense for someone to be wearing a queen t shirt. No, because surely forty is briefcase and suit and leather shoes, is it? I don't work in a bank. But you want to look, you know, are you going to be wearing these clothes when you're separated? What are you talking about? You're wearing jeans and a t shirt? Well, I'm I am thinking of changing my look, John. I'm thinking of updating myself because what are you going to wear? You st atay home in a three piece suit? Maybe not a three piece suit, but certainly a tie waistcoat and a shirt . And it's going to probably be going to be like a Velua waistcoat, like a brown woman tassels to show that yeah, in my younger days I used to cut loose a little bit. I once read a John Bishop tweet and he said and he said changed your life. He said It's the best book you've ever read. He said No man over the age of forty should be trainers. We listened to you and it may be well it's Bishop's principle. Well Z go running in brogues. Well no that's different that's sport isn't it? I'm talking about casual trainers. What about walking back from the gym? Well, he probably drives back in his brogues. I mean, I'd take it up with Bishop . Fair enough . Ellis James and John Robins. Radio Radio Packs quick question like being in a quiz. Yeah me. Okay There was a house party on a street last week. Yeah . So the couple opposite they have teenage children and the eldest girl shared a house party and because the father, he's a hypnoting laid back liberal guy and there were teenagers coming around, he bought them some session beer. Right. So he bought them I think it was Cause Light that kind of old how are these kids? seventeen eighteen. Okay . So obviously they're going to have a drink but he wanted it to be in fairly responsible sheltered circumstances. Now, inevitably , people are smuggling in your vodka, your tequilas, your drum buys. Archers and lemonade. Your archers described disguised in a coke bottle. I know you're game. Yes, yes, yes. You mount dogs, you're twenty twenty twenties, et cetera. Now one thing led to another, you've got sick in the master bedroom. Hang on, how do you know? Because I saw the No wasn't the party. No, no, no, no, I see him a lot. So I saw him yes terday and we were talking about this because I knew that because I'd seen him coming back from Sainsbury's with all of the session beer. Yes, and I was wondering how it would pan out having been a teenager at a party. And I thought, you think that you've nailed this, haven't you? You think that this is going to be fine? Yet I know blimin teenagers, right? So one thing leads to another lot of tears. They got back at about midnight and it was chaos and her best friend told him to F off . Now then, Is he saying this to me ? Is he said she'd be upset if one of our kids' best mates told her to sw offear a at party . It wouldn't bother me in the slightest . I just it would be water off a duck's back . I just maybe I should care. I couldn't work out if I should care or pretend to care or if I'm being a bad person by not caring because you got to actually give them a bit of a telling off. It would be so out of character for me to have done that as a kid . Yeah. I think if someone at a party in my house yeah had this is twenty years . Told me to FOF . I think I would be quite shocked and I would calmly say Get to the hell out of my house. Would you? Yeah, but no, I wouldn't like shout or scream or go Well, mate, you're out. I think I'd laugh my head off. I think that's a calm. You want to do it in the way of a calm, authoritative landlord . You've had a kid. You're out. Okay. But if he's quite a tall lad for his age, what do you do then if he says no? I put my stilts on and I fetch my baseball. I dress as a dementor and I come back down and try to give him the dementor's kiss. Right if he's above eighteen. What an earth does that mean? It's when you suckle the joy out of someone okay and make them remember to memories No no one I was just it's in my head because that's what was happening in the episode of Harry Potter I was listening to it for two and half hours I was trying to get to sleep last night during the quidditch match es okay match where he gets done by the day maybe that's why you can't sleep. Yeah, well I palmy thinks the match should have been called off. I mean, Cedric Diggery tried to because he's a good guy. Yes . Alas . That's not going to placate wood. I think I'm beginning to worry coming back to Partygate, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not angry enough for that kind of stuff and I'm setting a bad example. I just would I think I'd find it funny that I'm not sure I would allow parties in my house when I wasn't there Oh one of those parents get em round for God's sake get them a big box of miniature heroes six cans of co lightals and let them cut loose. It's not someone spilling something that freaks me out. It's me not being in charge of the cleanup operation. So if someone's if my full time F spills something on my sofa no, I basically go write freeze . Don't move because with my sofa , it's not like it's not stainpoint. It's like a crime scene. No, it is freeze. So it's not stain proof. However, you have a ninety second window. Yeah, yeah, before the liquid starts to soak in. So what I do and it's almost worth a spill to watch it happen is I take a piece of kitchen roll and dip the edge of the kitchen roll into the stain and you just watch it go back up into the kitchen roll. That is good. It's beautiful. What sort of stuff is your full time F spilling here? She spilled some diet coat the other day. It was fine. Right . So my problem would be not, you know, obviously someone's going to spill some wine on the carpet, whatever. That's not the problem. My problem is imagining someone rubbing it in with a sponge or just sort of not dealing with the spill correctly . Right , I must admit I'm a rub it in with a sponge guy and that's fine, but come to my house and find a stain and I'll give you ten pounds . Okay Okay . I've got two mattress protectors, one of which is waterproof. Okay , so if I were to wet myself in the night, I would wake up with very wet pajamas but a perfect mattress. Great , great. God , it's not it's not a hundred, it's not a wee sheet. It's sort of pretty much waterproof. Can I do for a while? Can I just say, John? I love to learn. Great. And I'm really you are my Jedi. I will always be fairly clad for that. Radio X. Ellis James and John Robinson. Radio X umblebragged humble brag humble brag of the weed . That's right guys . This is the part of our show where we expose those people who humble brag on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram at Al, and a couple of really good ones this week of people afflicted by their own minds. So Ellis, what have you got? I love this . I love how pretentious and ostentitious this is , don't read serious literature and definitely do not let it improve you and definitely definitely do not become privately conversant with great writers because one day you may find yourself on hinge, looking for someone whose inner life doesn't mainly include empathizing with characters in kids' books and it will be a terrible headache . Also, don't perform anything. Immerse yourself in any genre or refine your tastes. Someone will mention my dad wrote a porno and you'll find yourself staring at your work kettle praying it would shoot boiling water up your nose and into your brain. Regressing your mind however it was before you ever paid close attention to anything. Wow . Oh self wrote back. They sound like hard work. Yes. Good grief . This is from Don't become conversant with great writers, John. Yeah, 'cause the rest of the world will disappoint you, Ellis. This is from Twitter . Started the week working in Indonesia, ended it working in Warwickshire via Singapore, Manchester and Liverpool. I think I need a quiet weekend. Oh nice, nice . I love that. I wonder if Warwickshire was a come down . No disrespect to the people of Warwickshire. This is from a Facebook Note to Self ensure Tiffany and Co necklace is firmly fastened before leaving the house, driving to Wakefield, having meltdown because it's no longer around my neck, driving back home over the M sixty two I get an F one track and then finding it on the floor under my dressing table . Sorry , her partner . Hashtag Disneymare, hashtag thought I'd lost it, didn't I? Great use of hashtags there. I sort of really cannot imagine a relationship with social media where if I got home and found my necklace that I thought this is my fixed I'm gonna post about that. Yeah . But then this is the way of the world. It is. I talked to a young person and she told me that Instagram is more important than Twitter and she puts about forty instaps today . I'm currently on one a month. Yeah, yeah. This is Humble Brag of the Week and it comes from Twitter . Oh no, this comes from Instagram . Believe me, I tried , but nothing else fits . I've been gifted and afflicted with an actor's heart. The gift lies in there different? The gift lies in the giving . The affliction is the perfectionism, but nothing is perfect , bracket , except the king. What's that mean? I don't know . The gift of acting is to give to others, to tell the story, to bring joy, to bring a blessing, to bring questions , to bring laughter . Where would we be without the stage? Where are we now without the screen? We'd be fine. For good and evil these things have changed our lives . Let's bring more of the good. If you are an actor without a break , go out and make Hashtag short poem hashtag philosophical thoughts. I can't work out if that person likes acting or not I'd be amazed they seem to be quite conflicted, wouldn't they? Well, it's a bit like you're a chap who wants a kettle to blow up in his face because people listen to podcasts. Yeah. It's hard when you're working on another level to everyone else . It is, it is true. I love that Hamble Brag because it's just a message to the rest of the world. Don't perform anything , immerse yourself in any genre or refine your tastes. Thanks, thanks. I'm going to take that on board and I'm not going to refine my taste. So I'm going to go home and eat some angel delight. Ellis James and John Robbins Radio Radio X . You're listening to Ellis James and John Robbins on Radio X hoping you're having a good Saturday. Coming up, I will be doing a light hearted paper reviews so stay tuned Sorry I just yawn . Just try . You need to try I'm trying, sorry, a little yawn escaped there as I was stretching. And you may also have heard my knuckles crack. Right, okay anyway, stay tuned for this kind of liquid banter on radioact. RadioX july fourth at Lowe's, get up to forty five percent off select major appliances , plus save eighty dollars on a select Charboy Performance Series Gas Grill, now two hundred and ninety nine dollars . Our best lineup is here at Lowe's . Lowe's, we help you save valid through seven eight. While supplies last, selection varies by location, Cils. com for more details. Visit your nearby Lowe's on Tonel Avenue in North Bergen . Ellis James and John Robbins . The lighthearted paper review with Ellis James. Radio Eggs. Thank you very much, John. I've got some bad news for you queen wise Right. This is from the times many cinema goers left reeling by the dizzying pace of Bohemian Rhapsody were surprised when the film won an Oscar for his editing, but not as surprised as the man responsible. John Otman joked that the Queen Biopic Biopic should have been honored for most editing , rather than best editing, as he admitted that he now finds some scenes unwatchable. The guy who edited the film? Yeah. The most withering criticism has been directed at a scene in which the band meets their manager John Reed on a pub terrace. It lasts one hundred four seconds but contains sixty cuts, giving an average shot length of one point eight seconds. Many cuts appear to serve no purpose other than to confuse the audience. Characters on one spot reappear in a slightly different location a few seconds later, but one YouTube reviewer said it gave the audience whiplash. Mr. Otman told the Washington Post that he found the scene embarrass ing, I want to put a bag over my head, because that's not my aesthetic, he said. Mr. Otman, fifty four an experienced Hollywood editor and composer who worked on the usual suspects and the X Men series, explained why some segments jarred. I didn't know this. The original director, Brian Singer, was fired halfway through because of unreliable behavior. I didn't know that. No, I didn't know that. Oh, right. And was replaced by Dexter Flesh. It was quite a major news story. I don't care and was replaced by Dexter Fletcher fifty three who reordered the storyline. This made nonsense of some of the pub garden dialogue. The scene was reshot when Mr. Opplan said that he did not have enough time to edit the footage to give the conversation space to breathe. If there was ever an extended version of the film or I can put a couple of scenes back, I will recut that scene, he said. Bohemian Rhapsody won four Oscars, which is a travesty , including best actor for Rami Malik. thirty seven travesty best actor? No, no , I agree with you on that. thirty seven to play Ferrey Mercury, it has taken more than two hundred fifteen million dollars at the global box office. It's taken nine hundred million . Well, according to today 's Times, it's taken two hundred fifteen million at the Global Box Office. Well, I can tell you that that figure is wildly informed. Nine hundred million dollars. Yeah. Well , it's like a lot. Yeah, it is. It's going to take a billion. Is it? I reckon. Do you have I know that scene because that scene was shared a lot online . How was it? It is absolute dogmuck. Really? It looks like I've edited it. It's really funny every time someone speaks the camera cuts to them. It's yeah like a sort of media studies project. Yeah, it's quite remarkable. Well, the problem is that the scene has the film has two great scenes editing wise, the final live aid scene and the opening scene, but in between it there's some really dodgy bits. I feel sorry for him though because he's been given a very difficult job there. Well, editing a film. If you can't do it, don't do it. No, no, if you're editing a film that's been reordered by the director because the first director was unreliable and was sucked halfway through the process. But surely he had time to like sleep on it and look at it again. Even if he's been rushed, it's not like they said he got ten minutes It's a big deal editing of Hollywood film. Yes, true. Care should be taken. But it's amazing. Well, we know this from the book. It's if a book is meant to if a film is meant to be rele ased on a certain day and you know, time will run. You've got to have it done by the deadline or it won't get done and then you get sacked blah blah blah. So I bet you he said he was rushed and you know, I'm going to believe Mr. Otman, fifty four an experienced Hollywood editor and composer who worked on the usual suspects in the X Men series actually . I now really want to see that scene, the whiplash scene. Did you notice it in the film? As in the scene? No, I didn't. Okay. All right, fair enough. John, a little hypothetical for you. You're doing gigs in Australia or New Zealand. Okay. You forgotten your favorite queen t shirt, your engraved e sig that your full time F bought you as a wedding present and your favorite pants. What do you do about it? Just go home, cancel the gigs. Okay, interesting that you should say that because fly to New York via space in twenty nine minutes . Space ships will be blasting passengers from New York to Shanghai in half an hour by the end of the decade . Now it's twenty nineteen . Surely surely surely ? I mean, they've got what seven eight months. Yeah, amazing. I mean that's a bit that's quick, isn't it? Say analysts from UBS the Swiss Bank, they believe that long haul travel via space will soon be a market worth fifteen billion a year. That sounds like the Queen films taking . And it will have cannibalised the market for flights of ten hours or more. They also believe that space tourism would be worth two point three billion by twenty thirty. That sounds a bit soon. It does also like game and that chains such as the Hilton and Marriott will be running orbiting hotels in space station. So there's rubber non set, isn't it? But the thing is, that's why Concorde failed because they realize that people's hunger for quicker transatlantic flights was not equal to the amount they were willing to pay . So you could say yeah, I'll get you to New York in twenty minutes. It'll cost you ten grand. No one's going to spend that sort of money. No, exactly . Because it's why it's why you'd never go first class to Australia unless you're super rich because even though it's very unpleasant to be in an economy for twenty four hours , it's not worth it spending six grand whatever it is to have a brand. I would go first class for an extra five hundred pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not an extra five hundred percent . Yes , yes. Anyway, fasten your seatbelts, John. Flight bas timeed' ons SpaceX estimates, London to New York twenty nine minutes, London to Dubai twenty nine minutes, London to Hong Kong thirty four minutes, London to Sydney fifty one minutes . I mean , I can't even get to West London in that time. No . It would take me longer to get to Heathrow than it were to get to Sydney on a spaceship . Apparently, one hundred fifty million passengers a year took flights lasting longer than ten hours at present London to Shanghai thirty nine minutes New York to Los Angeles twenty five minutes . Incredible. I mean you're talking, you're talking Camarthen to Swansea, you know, times. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're talking cardio to Newport Times. Surely they could do like Cardiff to London in half seconds? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, to be honest, John, I think we're actually looking at some sort of hologram . I don't know, I don't know enough about sci fi sorry, I realize halfway through that riff that I haven't watched at sci fi for years and I couldn't maintain my interest in sci fi so let's play some music if I crying out loud rad riadioo Ellis James and John Robins win with Dave . Make sure you tune in to Dave on Wednesday nights from ten PM there's a brilliant new show called Hypothetical hosted by friends of the show, Josh Widacome and James Acaster. It features new guests every week . Your classic guests, your Angle Nathan's, your Ryan's, your Pasco's, your Richardson's and another chap you might have heard of. John Robins I was on this week. Were you? Yeah. How did it go? I haven't seen it yet, but the press shot they used of the group . The way my denim jacket is hanging makes me look like I've put on five stones and I'm wearing a triple extra large denim shirt. Very odd. Like more of a denim smock. Yes, it looks like I'm wearing what's that thing that Homer Simpson gets accessed. Oh yes. What's it called? A moo. Yeah, when he puts the weights on. And also it doesn't help that I've got my arm round Ivo who looks super, super slim. It's very odd little trick of the eye. Well, I'm looking forward to see ing this picture. Anyway, every week, James A Coster presents a set of bizarre, hypothetical situations to two teams of comedians and they have to describe how they'd react. Thanks to Dave, and hypothetical, you could be lucky enough to win an amazing bunch of prizes, including a thirty two GBI pad, a pair of beats by Dre Solo three onia wireless headphones, a Sonos One wireless smart speaker, and two tickets to a gig of your choice that's music, or comedy only needs to show you the picture now. Oh yes, please. All you need to do is go to radioax dot co dot UK for your chance to win . Yeah , John . Oh , what a grim look into your fiction, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't look good as it. Annoyingly, I'm at my lightest I've been for a decade. Is that how you'll be? Should it all go wrong? It looks like I'm welcoming my kids to a barbecue . And they haven't seen you for two years and they're about to have a chat with mum. Yeah. Anyway, all you need to do, as I said, is go to the radioax.co. uk for your chance to win. You're listening to radiox and we've got wackaging on the way Radio Ex llis James and John Robins Radio X aging Wackaging Wackaging Wackaging , wackaging, wackaging wackaging , wackaging , wackaging wackaging, wackaging . Radio . That's right guys, it's been a long time since we dipped our toe in the wackaging water , but I noticed that the folder was bulging so I picked up some choice cuts to serve up to you on a platter at a restaurant . A marketing restaurant ? Yes. So we'll start off an email we were sent with sort of some top secret info yeah Intel . So it's the brand guidebook for a train company whose toilets are the sort of ground zero whackaging Yeah, yeah, yeah they'.ve re Andceived an awful lot of coverage for the messages they have in there. They have. It's very unpopular. Yes, seemingly across the country . It cuts across all classes social, social economic. Everyone seems to hate it, but they're sticking with it. And the sort of reasons can be seen by their brand guide, which we've been sent by an anonymous whistleblower . And it seems that this brand guide has been written by either Timmy Mallet or a child . I love it. I've had a good look through this David Brend. Brilliant. So here we go . So the main thing is helpful, simple language wins the day. We never speak Gibbrish. We keep things human and add a bit of our famous wink , which is a very unfortunate word to use for anyone who has had to sort of undergo some of the crap these people throw down your gullets. So anyway , we don't just take people from A to B . We take people from A to B bloody brilliants No you don't take them to A to Baha they need to get to crew. That is a bit of a famous wink. Whisking them around the country to present that PowerPoint, impress those in laws, give granny a massive hug, or cheer on the team A couple of guidelines humanness . You're human, right? It's a write like one. No buzzword or railway jargon please just nice, straightforward, honest language . Wink use your gloriously intelligent whip. Whip it out when you think it's right. Our sense of humour is always clever and confident. Just don't overdo it. But where it says straightforward honest language , saying we take people from A to B bloody brilliant isn't straightforward language. It's cringe words. Where that falls apart is they've given an example of how they want their marketing and how they want there's the house style of all of the stuff that's been written. So spot on if you're selling drinks. This is what they want . This is perfect. What's your tiple? It's gin o'clock or beer o'clock or whatever you like to drink o'clock so pick your tiple and let's cheers to you right that's bouton okay. This is too far there,'s too much wink in these sentences. Okay, too far. Woo hoo it's party time . The bar's now open, had there for a selection of delicious beers, wines and mixers to welcome in the night. It's gonna be a good one. That's too far, too far . This is not enough. The bar is open . Is that what it said yes ? A selection of these wines and spirits are available to purchase on board. There's no wink at all. Hang on, they give you an example of what's too far and what's yeah on is what's your tip? It's ten o'clock. That spot on Too Far is Woo it's party time. Not enough is the barn is open. A selection of beers, wines and spirits are available to purchase on board. Listen to this. twenty minutes or two hours we want to make their journey time extraordinary. What fireworks and surprise lionel ritchy concerts? What are you talking about? This is exactly the same company FYI, the book stand ups to appear in their carriages on the way to Edinbur gh. In an absolute car crash of an event. Can you think of anything worse than doing stand up on a train? Oh my gooddy ant. The other thing, I know this is a path of least resistance point to make however yeah, you're right, I don't want a surprise Lionel Richie concert . I do want you to get me to my destination on time and affordably. That's all I want. I want it to be affordable . Also, there is nothing more frustrating than a toilet speaking to you in that language when the toilet itself is blocked and the lock on the door is broken. Yeah . Exactly. Because you think to yourself, now I'm not the side of jokes, I'm about to soil myself. Okay, so onto some other wackaging . This is from Steven This is from the back of a, I think a ladies sort of shower scrub . So it's incredibly patronizing, quite sexist . So at the top, so it's in a sachet, it says tear my top off . And underneath it says warning, contents smell like cake and boys may fight over you like you're the last slice. And then it's directions for use. The first one is get naked and wet in the shower. I'm not sure that's really appropriate. But also I don't think you need those instructions for use . But it really, really is quite obvious, isn't it? And then at the bottom it says watch out babe, patch test first if irritation occurs or you get bits in your eyes rinse thoroughly and stop using what? I love it. Continue call a nurse in candy stripes. I love that though because they have to say that stuff. So they try to lighten it up. It's like, you know, you have to have T's and C's at the end of an an advert,' theres no way of avoiding it. They thought, well, we've got to mention that it could make some people skin sensitive. So let's limin be. Let's add a bit of wink to that sentence for crying out loud. Here's a good job description one, Ellis . Job description worst graduate job, don't bother . There's no point in reading this job advertisement. You're probably not looking for fast progression, a fun social team, nor the opportunity to make unlimited money I read that and I think I don't know, I might not. If you were what? If you were applying for a job. Wh youy are off meer?ing And you said, what's the salaration? They said unlimited. You would say, well, that's no good I need I want it within certain limits. Yeah. Because if you say unlimited that means probably very little. Yeah. Or a trillion . Yeah. And I would imagine it's going to be very unlimited bucks to imagine that. Ooh , un limited . Ellis James and John Robbins. Radio radio . It's time to take a look back at one of Britain's best love games . Potato and potato potato and birds are a game of totes a game of scrills absolutely fantastic . This is history being written birds Potato Tato potato potato potatoes. Welcome to another edition of The Potato Potato . Tonight, once again, we're heading back in time . It was the ninth of december twenty seventeen What a game bout pot ofat pootato certainly entered the canon of classic potato potato games. However, thinking back to the time almost two years ago now , I'm just looking at the listings of BBC one for the ninth of December. Who could forget that episode of Saturday Kitchen? Followed up by Nigella at my table, the double. The great Quinoa debate followed by Turkey. Yeah, yeah, and then obviously coming up at quarter past one you have the UK Snooker Championship semifinal part one and then final score followed by Len Goodman's partners in Rhyme. So I'm just giving you a flavor of the time December twenty seventeen , of course, that's when well, who could forget the Northern Virginia airport worker strike? Yeah . I mean, it's I'm just trying to take you back to december twenty seventeen. And of course, Ed Sheeran was at the top of the charts. We are still kids who were so in fighting against The perfect soundtrack theatre. Is he good ? I don't he's certainly very successful. He's very popular, is he? He's very, very successful and popular. He seems like a nice bloke. Yeah. He's one of those lightning rods he's one of those lightning rods for people who don't like popular music. Who when they talk about freedom of speech , I'm thinking specifically of some comics here. Oh, those absolute ? Yeah, full Zooms, yeah. And they get on their hi host for freedom of speech and then they say, What is you saying, I can't say this because it's offensive. Do you know what? I find West Life offensive. Come on, mate. If you don't know, do you? No, it's not that offense. No one when they hear Westlife is like, Oh my god take it off, turn it off, turn it off. British Christie's got a great routine about Ed Sheeran's song about a woman's body. What was it called the shape of your body or something? I'm in love with the shape of your yeah. I'm in love with the shape of you and it's just sort of it's really funny bit about how it makes no reference to her qualifications . It does sound absolutely brave. He does who people like body shifts? I mean true, true, true. Body ships very popular these days. Everyone's got a body shape. Everyone's got a body shape. What you stay . I mean I but also people have lots of other things to offer . That's also true, not true in my case. Are you just I'm just a body. Yeah, yeah, I'm just a vessel . But I always think with Ed Sheeran, maybe take the hoodie off, put on an isolated jumper. Yes. You can mess up a bit. You're a multimillionaire. If twenty thousand people have come to the arena, I think does stadiums. He does yeah, he's not an arena comedian, a musician . He's not working tax credits . Anyway, so let's hear it. Classic game of potato potato from december twenty seventeen . Potato, potato, potato, birds eye . Wow. I mean, no matter how many times I listened back to that, it always takes me by surprise. Yeah . I think it took the nation by surprise, almost as much as that year's BBCort Ssp Personality of the Year, which was won, of course, by Mohfer. It was referred that game to the Potato Potato International Committee. Yeah, and they upheld the ruling. Well, the big talk of potato potato being an Olympic event in twenty twenty. Yes, you know, who knows? I mean, we'll probably be flying to Tokyo in a spaceship by then. Yes, in ten minutes. So let's hear the ruling guys . Yes, absolutely. Yes. I'm gonna shake you by the hand. I'm going to shake myself by the hand. Yes, and then I'm going to give you a ceremonial potato because that was spot on. Well done, John. I really hope you get to represent Team GB O Potato John. Thanks man. I mean, I've been playing for my county now for about two years in the first eleven, obviously , but yeah, the trials for GB P in July this year. So I'm going to Gibraltar to do an altitude training campaign. It's a bit like it's a bit like snook, isn't it? It was an old man's game. Yes. And now it's very, very much you ang man's game to be and some of some of the leading potato potato players , I mean it's still a legit three. It's still an amateur game, but you get a lot for exhibitions. I'm doing one in Warwick Potato . Yeah, and suffice to say , I won't be needing to buy my own potato potatoes, waffles for any more time. This is Mother by the Amus This is Mother by the Almers . Radio X. Ellis James and John Robbins. You're listening to Ellis James and old Johnny Robbins hereon on Radio X bringing you the best frequency wavelengths for the music close to your heart. It's going to say for the music, generally . So whether you're listening online on digital via the app or in a helicopter . Stay tuned for a made up game. Radio X july fourth at Lowe's, get up to forty five percent off select major appliances , plus save eighty dollars on a select Charbroil Performance series gas grill, now two hundred and ninety nine dollars . Our best lineup is here at Lowe's . Low's, we help you save . Valid through seven eight. While supplies last, selection varies by location, Siles. com for more details. Visit your nearby Low's on Tanell Avenue in North Bergen. Alice James and John Robins, radio X . My made up game has just spitted up played with my family friends. My game is really really cool . Darren Chase rules come made up games made up games made up games made up gam es Radio eggs . That's right, team. This week's made up game comes from Jack . He says, Hey guys, this is game I play with my girlfriend Jess on our morning walk to the tube, which we call bigger but not too big . The rules are simple. Player one thinks of an object and does not tell the other player what they are thinking of. Player two must then guess an object . If the guest object is bigger but not, too much bigger than Player one's object, player two wins. If player two's object is smaller or too much bigger than Player one's object player one wins. For example , John thinks of an object. Ellis says a Theatanda. John says Congratulations. I was thinking of a motorbike. Your object is bigger but not too much bigger than my object. Ellis thinks of a Satsuma. John guesses the earth sorry your, object is too much bigger than mine. There you go, very good . Jack goes on, I would advise you suggest specific objects and also suggest you employ a referee slash producer to prevent arguments. Enjoy and keep it clean I sis that. But thanks so much Jack, we're gonna toss a coin, see who goes first ? Ellis heads or tails. Tails for whales can funny gummy. What do you reckon it is? Tails. No, it's a queen for queen as always is bizarrely. So I will go first. I think maybe should we do three each? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go first. Okay. So you gotta think of an object? Yes . Okay, I've got an object . Okay, yep. So do I have to know you'll guess what the object is I guess what his object is. You name an object. Oh yes, right. Okay, that's bigger but not too big. A set of bathroom scales . Okay, so John . I'm gonna give you that. I was thinking of a tea light candle . Oh yeah, but it's not too big. So the bathroom scales are bigger than a tea light candle. They're not too much bigger. So yeah, Ellis probably takes a point . Though if you think about it, they're probably I mean, relatively speaking, there's a lot of tea light candles that are going to f it into the bathroom. But it's not the titanic . They're there. Okay. Now do I think of one? Yes, go ahead Take your time. I've got it. Okay . So I'm going to say a small Christmas tree that you would fit in a pot and could put out on the patio in the winter. I was thinking of a washing machine Almost exactly the same. So you were thinking of washing machine. I would say that a small Christmas tree that you can put in a pot and save is probably smaller . It's the same size. It's the same size in your mind that wants the point. In terms of weight. No , it's not it's not heavier. It's bigger. A small Christmas tree is smaller than a washing machine. Like that big. Oh, John, the size you're m withaking the your hands is about size of a washing machine. Of course you say if you flattened a washing machine that's not the game. That is not the game. The game is, is it bigger, but not too big? How big is your washing machine? That's tiny. How big is your Christmas tree? Well , a normal size Christmas tree would be bigger than I'm not talking about a Christmas tree that reaches the ceiling. I'm talking about a Christmas tree that sort of reaches like to chest height. You think a chest height Christmas tree is bigger than a washer machine? Yes. When was the last time you saw a washing machine that went up to your chest? The small Christmas tree that was ideal. The washing machine goes all the way back. Well, Christmas tree is not what I cannot believe I'm having this conversation? Well no, it's it's two to one. I'm sorry I don't get the point. I'm sorry. Oh my sorry God don't me cross. I cannot believe you 're you're both thick idiots. If you're not too cross, think of your second object. Okay . Oh, no, you're not gonna start playing objects. I thought not an object. No, I'm thinking of an object. Thinking of it, you got to guess me. Yeah, when I know what I'm gu goingess to. Okay, what are you gu essing? A full size snooker table? No, it's an idiot. I was thinking about an idiot . A really big idiot. Well, let's use Ellis as the template for an idiot. A snooker table is bigger, but not too much. It's table so much the difference between Ellis and a snooker table because if I sit different but it's a different washing machine and a medium sized Christmas tree if I was lying down on if I was lying down on a snooker table . Yes , like a starfish. It's twelve feet long. Yeah, and I am sort of five, six. And to use the rule from last time, if it was the Titanic, that would be so I've got lean bigger. I've got referral you back to your ruling on the Christmas tree. My arms and legs are outstretched . Washing machine debacle. Wow, let's try and move past that. Elis gets a point. I'm willing to give that to Ellis, but you have to give me Christmas tree and washing machine. Right, okay. Okay, Ellis, think of an object, please. Got it. Okay, John, what do you think it is? A car . I'm thinking of a garden spade . A garden spade. A car is bigger than a garden sp . I think we can all agree. Probably too much bigger. And that's fair enough. It's up to you, John? No, it's not because that's fair enough within the laws of the game is your much bigger than a car . Too much bigger than a space. So fair enough, Ellis gets the point. No point, no points. Why John, if you could think of your final object? I thought of my final object . Right . Okay, then some shaving foam . A can of shan e Gillette. I was thinking of a computer mouse . So that's fine, it's bigger, but it's not too big. Three points to Alice so far mind. That's right. Alice has got to do his final one and then luckily this will all be over . Okay . Yes, I've got it. Okay . A gun . I was thinking of a leather armchair. Right. there we are. It's three mill to Ellis there. Should be three one in what was a st ressful time for Right. Okay three one. Let the record state that it's three one. I just want him to calm down. Ross Middleton, if you're listening, it was three. It was three one. Ellis wins and we get to listen to Oasis, which is great. But it's got to be on the correct terms. Kate. I now get to listen to cigarettes alcohol by OSIS. I would like the United Nations , FIFA, Ross Middleton, everyone to accept that it was three one . And that's the real quiz. Radio. Radio Alex . Ellis James and John Robins . That was cigarette alcohol by racism. My treat for winning a At Canter this week's made up game. Free one at a canter. Free one at a canter, that's right . I thoroughly enjoy playing the game. John totally quiet during that I was a song . I think he's already wording his way drafting his letter of complaint to the IOC . But anyway, I thought it was a lot of fun. Coming up, we got music from Supergrass and Muse, and John Shimwell is on the way. Ellis James and John Robins. Radio X . Radio X . What was I thinking ? Why did I lock the door ? I can't believe I said that John's shame well . Hi everyone. Welcome to the well . I'd like to apologise for the mess in the well, but you are ten minutes early and I didn't have time to take all the cans out of the recycling . So it just doesn't usually look like this. I let myself go. I just had a bit of a night last night. Tesco's, watch twenty four hours in police cust omly. Okay, this week's shame, well, it's really good because it's the first one I think we've ever had that comes from the perspective the person that the shame was sort of felt in proximity of . So it's someone not the recipient of the comment, if you know what I mean? Well basically like it's an embarrassing story told from the perspective of the person whose presence made it embarrassing. Okay. Like the bad thing didn't happen to them. All right, so we're bricking new ground shim wise. Yeah, and I think it's good to put into perspective how other people interpret events that one might find shameful. Okay , okay. I'm writing to you regarding the shame my now boyfriend, let's call him OJ , not his real name, endured upon our first romantic endeavour. It is something which fortunately I see is pretty hilarious, but I think that for him it was rather gutting. In January of last year I decided to head on our university ski trip with my friends, and so did OJ, who at this point I only knew through friends and as a fellow Durham University goer. The week was full of skiing and maximum shunting and was a great opportunity for me to meet some more of my fellow students. It was during the periods of maximum shunting that I got to know the man who later became my boyfriend. We got on straight away chatting about anything and everything and dancing the night away after more than a few non session pints. It was a great week, and on the last night of the ski trip the chatting, flirting, and dancing reached its culmination when we headed back to my room together for the night. At this point all was well, nothing shameful had occurred . However, whilst lying in bed together, chatting all night, OJ's stomach was making some rather strange no ises. Throughout the week he had been complaining that he'd been having some stomach problems, probably from all the beer drinking and French cheese that had formed the basis of his diet. I asked if he was okay but he insisted he would be fine so we carried on chatting. After an hour or so, the noises coming from his stomach were getting louder and more aggressive, something we really couldn't ignore at this point, and he announced that he needed to use the bathroom. It was here that his shame spiral started . He went into the bathroom which was positioned right next to my room and I could hear him scrabbling about furiously in the search of something. He popped his head round the door and said I'm really not in a good way. Do you know where your toilet roll is by any chance. It was in this moment that I remembered we had just run out of Lu Roll and I'd been meaning to get some more. I told him this and the look of panic glazed over his face. As a last minute's alternative, I reached under my bed and chucked a taxive cotton wool pads at him as though the only thing I had. He looked at me as though I was mad, but considering his dire situation he really didn't have a choice. He looked at me sheepishly and said I don't suppose you could put some music on or something while I'm in there. I'm worried you might hear something you won't like. I mean this is like right in my wheelhouse. It's anxiety dream stuff, isn't it? Well, no this is my life . Okay. Just without the skiing . Off you went back into the bathroom a bleak picture paint of your light, your actual life. What happened next is something which I look back on and laugh every time I think of it, but for my boyfriend is a source of utter shame. The noises that came from that bathroom for the next five minutes were ones that I have never beforehand heard in my life . And the moans coming from OJ made me laugh into my pillow . Sounds of oh no and dear God could be heard from the bathroom in between noises coming from someone who had clearly eaten too much beer and cheese. I bet it sounded like something that B theBC radiophonic workshop would come up with. Yes. After five minutes, I heard the toilet flush and OJ shuffled back into the room. Poor man. To try and rescue his dignity, I tried to maintain a straight face to pretend like I hadn't heard a thing , but I couldn't help a slight smirk that broke out over my face. The next thing that OJ said has stayed with me over this last year as from a non PCD who has never recognised the concept of shame. It was a perfect way to express what he was feeling. He stood there, hanging his head and said, All I feel right now is a deep sense of burning shame . And I howled with laughter for a solid ten minutes. Fortunately for OJ, occurrence didn't mask all the other amazing things about him and for me is something I'll always remind him of should he ever accuse me of being slightly gross. I know that at the end of the day it's just a body, but I think OJ needs to be reminded of that and rid the burning shame he felt for being O so utterly natural in front of me during our first romantic for ay. So John, please cast his shame into the well . Well, I will do so. With no further ado , I commend OJ's shame into the well that he may never feel shame at it again . And how lovely to have that different perspective? Yes, and it's just a body It's just a bee. I got food poising on tour for the first time in about fifteen years. I'd never had hadn it since I was a student and these things happen . But it's not ideal, is it? It's certainly not in a romantic situation but thankfully I've been with Izzy for over ten years. But it's toilet proximity that's the problem. Yeah, yeah. If you don't mind disappearing out the room every five minutes either want your toilet to be a fortnock situation? In space, ideally. Yes. But with gravity control in the toilet. Ooh , that's crucial. Crucial yes. Anyway, folks, thank you so much for sending in your shame wells. They are the highlight of my week reading them. Ellis James and John Robins. Radio radio . John, do you have to do anything exciting this week? Do you know what? I'm not actually I've got so you love that, haven't you? Yeah, I've got a few little bits and bubs of little bees and bees. Absolutely. But But you thrive on having nothing to do? Well , well, I think I do, and then I get to that situation and I realize I don't. Well, you texted me the other day to say that your thighs hurt from sitting. Yeah, something I'd never heard of. Yeah, I did have some problems with my right thigh after a prolonged period of sitting. Does that make you feel shame? No, not really not at all. Does that worry you? No . So you're happy age thirty six to have painful thighs from sitting. That's where you want to be. Yeah, not necessarily where I want to be but I'm no problem being there . One thing to plug is I haven't really mentioned much on the show, but I do a column for the Metro. Oh yeah, and all of those articles are available on the page if you just sort of google John Robins Metro and they cover topics that we've covered on the show such as broadly veganism , booze and Freddy Mercury. Will you one day release columns as a book? Like Jeremy Clarkson Like Stewart Lee does. Like Stuart Lee does and Jeremy Clarkson. Now I'm mate. Okay no need to ring the marketplace dry, give them a bit of free content. Why not you love money? You're obsessed with it I just say I'd like that and I would buy it because I thoroughly enjoy your column. Thank you very much. I read it four weeks after five. Thank you. Yeah, I miss the odd one. That's fine. But like I said, they're all there to catch up with. They are all there . Also if you like John's column for crying out loud, tweet it, share it, comment on it, make it snackable, put it on your plat form at marketing, marketing, marketing, marketing stop. Sorry, that was just so quick. Yeah, or just read it's fine. Or just read it. That's fine. Gotta you're so old school, you got one of those embittered hacks in the fifties of smoke fags next to typewriter, John, you've got to make your content shareable . Well, it is, but the thing I would most like is to be able to read it. Okay, okay, fair enough. If you'd like to read John's last will in test, it'.s not It his last will in testament. He's absolutely fine. If you'd like to read John's thoughts, hopefully in a column that is going to continue for the next sixty years, by all means , go on to the Metro's website. Thank you very much for joining us today. It's Dan Gasard up next. Ellis James and John Robinson. Radio Radio . So it was a show, my turn on the Keep it session sessions. For the last few weeks, I've just been doing Welsh bands because of Welsh Music Day in February and Welsh Music Foundation do a Spotify playlist of just Welsh music and it's absolutely brilliant. So I suggest you check that out now. This band that I'm choosing today there another group from the talent hub that was a skullger in Brumervin, Myleschool in Command. So a couple of weeks ago I did our wife and Mosplankos who are new groups. They're very young . The Gkawies actually went to my school . They in the were sixth film when I was in the first year, but this band, Zabrinsky, I was in the same year as them. I was very good friends with all of them and they were absolutely fantastic. So you probably saw them supporting the super furry animals. They supported the furries at the big Somerset House gig , they did two tours with the furries, lots of one off gigs . They were very, very well received critically. They got some cracking reviews of the Sunday Times, they did lots of peel sessions and they split up when I was about twenty six in two thousand seven , but the reason I've done them today is because they've reformed. So they did a couple of gigs in October and they've released a new song called Amalgamation of Evils. Now the thing with Zrienzi, one of the things I loved most about them there was a real magpie element to all of their influences so they liked India music, obviously, they liked hip hop. They all lived in a nest . What? Why did you say that? Because the magpies. Oh, right. Lived in a nest. It was humorless. Yeah, ye,ah sorry. Even a bad move.. It was a great move She made a really good joke that a band would live in a nest. He looked at me like I just didn't see. I just wasn't expecting it, I was. We were expecting humor from me. I wasn't expecting you to say anything because you really do during the Keep session sessions when it's my turn. So okay, they all lived in a nest. I neglected to mention that. They had no control over them . They all lived and they loved stealing shiny things. That was it. I forgot to mention that. They lived in a nest in Cardiff and they released records from there from their nest. Now it's a funny image. It is now, it is now. They used to live in a nest on Cathedral Road in Cardiff . Anyway , in terms of their influences, they were a very good fit for the super free animals because Because there were a lot of them in the band and they all liked different stuff, which is why I thought they made very interesting records. Now, Matthew, the singer has been working with Gryphreys and the Super Three Animals quite recently . Iwan, who was in the group as well , he produced Maylor Jones' album which I did on the Keeper Session session last week. He's worked with Aroscholz and the Gorkies, Kaitla Bon who I did on the Keeper session sessions ages ago, sweet baboo I did on the Keep it session sess ions ages ago. So there was an awful lot of talent in that band . The song I've chosen to give you a little taste of the kind of music they did. Do check them out because as I said they're back. So they're going to be doing gigs and stuff. They did some g igs in Cardiff last year and I'm sure they'll be doing more . So the thirty seconds I've chosen to give you a little taste of some Freedom of the Highway, which is one of their singles I really loved from two thousand one and someday honey , we will blow them away There we have it. I remember going to see them supporting Coldplay and Cardiff. Really? Yeah, yeah, on the enemy Bratz Tour. Remember that? It was Zabrinsky Coldplay in JJ seventy two. Do you remember there? But anyway , they're on Twitter. So check them out Zibrinsky, it's spelled Z A B R I N SKI they once did a gig in Brickland in front of a load of A and R men and I supported them in Jew. When I was doing when I was an open mic comedian. You did comedy at it. Yet more proof that comedy and music does not mix. What was it like? Or fall ? I'd never died . Oh man. I'd only be gone about six months. So you think great. Okay, it's an audience, isn't it? So what happened with all the A and O men? Well, obviously they didn't care about me, did they were there to see a hot new band . And Christie Jenkins, who was the engineer on all the super fanimas records I mean, I was just stood there and he said, You know what? Shall I just introduce you? And I said, Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. And he did such a good job bearing in mind that he's an engineer of bands and albums and isn't a competitor but obviously he's quite confident at speaking so he got up and he said hey we got this new comedian he's joining us from Cardiff so give him a sort of big round of applause to Ellis James and he like zero clapping and he said come on and there was a bit of that and I tried to do some some anecdotes and it was it was like seeing your lied to do something I'd like to see him such a doomed phrase. Like seeing my life slipping away in front of my eyes. Tried to do some anecdotes. And they just weren't listening and a friend of mine who moved to London came to watch and he'd never seen me do stand up before. A nightmare. And so we watched the band. We watched the Brinsky and they did really well . And then an Ed and I we went for a drink afterwards. And you know, when you like died at Ashton Court . It's a completely new, if you haven't done any kind of performing , that's a new feeling, that's a new emotion you won't have experienced before. I felt empty. I felt like my body was had been emptied of all of the stuff inside it and I was a shell. So we went for a pint and he said that was for a bit shell So I know . Oh, it's at times like that you just want to be surrounded by other comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause they're the only ones who understand. They're the only ones who understand. Not even actors actually or musicians understand like comics. Yeah , because the thing is , they thought they would do me a favor because it was a really cool landed gig. I was way too inexperienced to realize that it wasn't going to work. So I said yes because I never performed in London before. So I was like, great. I went up with a band and you know we had it was really exciting and stuff you feel like, yeah, we're gonna we're going to do it. We're going to take over . But what would your material have been back then You remember any of the lines you did on? It would have been Joey Financial, you would have been in there. Really? And it would have been stuff like that , you know, that Booze Britain program Dave was on. Yeah. I used to have about five or six minutes on those kinds of programmes, which at an open mic gig , a comedy show with comedy punters or expecting anecdotes used to work quite well, but when you're doing it to complete silence, people from that John Niven Kill your friends book who were deciding whether they're going to sign this band or not and you're just talking. When you do it out of that out of the horrendous. When you do it out of the context of a comedy gig or a conversation Yeah , it sounds perverse It sounds perverse and also I know because we get emailed by lots of you I know that there are open mic comics, non professional comedians who are just dipping their toe into the water who listen to this show. Now if you'll take one bit of advice from me, let it be this, it doesn't work. It doesn't mix. And what happens a lot when you're very in a new comic is that you might get asked to do it like a charity event. I remember in my first year or so people say, Oh I'm running a gig for the British Heart Foundation. So what I want I've got my brother's going to do covers and there's going to be a raffle and then I'd like you to do comedy and then we're going to get people who've been helped by the charity to get up and say a few words, you will die at that gig. You cannot do well at that gig. It's a bit like suggesting that you open the world snooker championship with a bit of tennis and you have sort of two tennis players