Drunken Online Purchases

XFM Ellis James and John Robbins on XFM podcast. Hello everyone. Thanks for downloading the podcast. We had a very fun show. I hope we didn't get too giggly. But um over the when me and Ellis met in the week, I was making him laugh. by asking if he was on email. And I think it's a very funny thing to say. If someone's saying if someone if your mate says to you, Should we meet for coffee, it's really funny to turn to them and just go, Are you on email? So any about halfway through the show I start saying to Ellis, Are you on email? And You've got to be on email. You've got to be on email. Everything's done on email these days. The problem is You're gonna be so bored of hearing that by the end of this podcast. The problem is it makes it will never not make me laugh that. It has to be the phrase Are you on email. Have you got email. It sounds like the comedians comedian podcast we're talking about the mechanics of comedy with Stuart Goldsmith. But Um John could say that until the day I die and I will find it funny. We said it a lot. Hopefully uh intern Vin will have done some great snipping and editing of this podcast because otherwise I think we'd be losing something. Oh no, don't take out any of the gold. In fact, there's n absolutely nothing to take out of this podcast. Don't take anything out. Not even those tiny short little links I do where I just talk about what music we're about to play. Keep them in. We've had an email. From Rasmus, who's on email and has got a great name. Sounds like an Egypti Pharaoh. And he last week, I think it was two weeks ago actually, someone sent in a design of a farthing that we could have minted. And uh You don't get that in the Introduction to Many Podcast. No Certainly not any aimed at the under sixes. He says regarding the minting of your fathing, it would be easier if you could opening sector. It would be easier if you could get the designer to release the vector of the artwork, then it can be milled out using a CNC cutter, either in the finished alloy or in reverse for casting. I've no idea what any of that means. Um but if the lady who sent us uh the photo of the fathering would like to release the vectors. Sounds quite sort of apocalyptic. We had. So many emails today saying, guys, I'm on email. And we've just had one saying, I'm giving up on emails, uh I'm going back to my pager. Oh yeah. and said he could do a Valentine's Day graffito with uh pound signs as a heart. Yeah. He's d look s sent in three designs of how that could be possible uh in a Banksy. So thanks, Raz. I mean it does make what Banksy does look quite easy. Because he must have knocked this up in seconds. Also, team, as we mentioned a couple of times in the podcast, we are now an an awards nominated radio show. The first non BBC show to be nominated for a Chartle Award, which is the sort of comedy industry arbiters of quality. Yeah. It's the only real dedicated comedy website, isn't it? Well it's also the only real award we're ever likely to be nominated for. True. So if you want to pop onto chortle.co dot UK and vote for us as your favourite radio show, that'd be fine. Also if you prefer any of the other radio shows that have been nominated, vote for them. You won't. Um also I've been nominated for best compare because of my lightning quick rapier wit. Please as in the blade. Please vote for John, because if he doesn't win at least one of them, he will be impossible to work with. Correct. I need to say this, I'm doing a gig with Josh Wittercom at Center Point, the Homeless Charity. On Monday It's not a front the for any kind of money making Ponzi scheme. It's a definite charity gig. It's a charity gig at the Palace at London on the twenty third Mondays. This Monday uh with Josh and Seri Pasco and uh Joel Ice and Lou Sanders and lots of other things So do come along because I've been. I know the organizer. And I promise I'd plug it. So I really do. There we go. Thanks, team. Thanks for downloading. Take care and we'll see you soon. Love you and a goodbye. Bye. Alice James and Sean Robbins. Guns and Roses with Live and Let Die, an absolute anvil of a song. You're listening to XFM, I'm John Robbins, and to my left is the third most laid back man in Toni Pandy. Thank you very much. It's Mr. Ellis James. I meant to say trialky then I said Tony Pandy. Oh I thought you were gonna go for Ponti Pandy, which is where Feynman Sam lives. Is that a real place? No, it's based uh it's uh sort of based on Pontapria than Tonapandi. I'm not annoyed at Fyman's um. I'm annoyed that I said Tony Pandin to the Triorkey, because I actually looked on a Wikipedia list of Welsh place names to find somewhere new that I had already said before. Unless you do the rest of the show. Toni Pundi is a good choice. Plenty of humor in Toni Pandy. What happens in Toni Pandy. There's just lots of great humble humour. You know? Oh Steve's a bit miserable in the chip shop, isn't he? Yes. You know Steve. Yes, I do. Bye then! This is that for the last hundred and fifty years. No, hey, whoa. That's why he's miserable. I Alice don't think that's a cause for humour. She's she's got the flu, it's nothing to worry about, just got just it doesn't it Doesn't mean that Steve from the chip shop should be as miserable when he's selling his wristles and chips. Steve can't care about his wife. No. Toni Pandie, if it's that hard and find plenty of humble humour in Toni Pandie. In Swansea. Yes, there was. Do you want to explain to the listeners why? Because I used to work for a homelessness child and see when I had a real job. There's a homelessness charity in the Oh don't don't uh you cried last time. No I didn't cry. My voice wobbled, but I didn't know. Alice's voice wobbled on stage. In front of eleven hundred people. Uh and they've gone into administration to organise a charity gig. What a great guy. Thank you. Alice did that. For n no reason other than his own selflessness and, you know Profile raising. Profile raising in the Swansea area, yeah. And I did get a lot of very good press. Ellis organized a charity gig for the Thylanians who were not an obscure um Greek sect. They were homes to charity, but it was a bump. Bill, wasn't it Ellis? Who was on? John Robbins. Wow How did you manage to secure the rights to Robbins for no money or travel expenses? A great guy. You know, and a lot of people said, Oh, I'm looking forward to seeing this John Robbins. And you did not disappoint John. You were very, very funny. Who else was on? Rod Gilbert, Adam Hills, XFMs, Josh Widdycomb, John Richardson, Angela Barnes, and me. And Lloyd Langford. And Lloyd Langford, yes, sorry. And would you describe my I was on third, would you describe me on stage as the Queen at Live Aid moment of the evening. Yes, I think so all the other acts were watching you thinking we can't compete with this. I mean the fight you went on in a vest was a bold choice. I leverage. Because Ellis introduced me in a slightly mean way. And then so I uh engineered it so that I would divulge an embarrassing story to the audience of eleven hundred people, including Ellis' mum. I can't repeat the story on air because it's just too sexually explicit. However, as Ellis came back on stage, there's a great photo of this, which we can tweet, actually, of Ellis pleading with me not to tell the story. Shout out from the audience, go on, John! I don't mind the story! John I never get embarrassed! To which I went, please, Mom, this is too big even for you. But after Ellis's costs, we raised over a hundred pounds. Yeah, Ellis Ellis claimed 20,000 pounds for a first class return tickets. And then a week away to to decompress from the stress of organizing, which I thought was a bit unreasonable considering I'd paid £49 for a hotel and petrol. That was Stolen Dance by Milky Chance. I wish more songs titled the drawing with the band name. You're listening to Alice James and John Robbins on XFM with you until when's coming up, Al? We got great music coming up from Jamie T. Blur. And a Radiohead. Really? Yeah. That's quite good. Yeah, unfortunately I don't think Radiohead have any songs that rhyme with Radiohead. Nice. Well good W where do I go with that? Alright, okay. I know about five radio. Sorry, I Kill a Queen and Queen. Yeah. Queen and March of the Black Queen. That's a good one. Sorry, I I gave you the almost impossible riff task. Yeah, I mean we discussed some of the topics we were going to talk about on there in the first few uh sections of the show. None of them were what radiohead songs rhyme with the word radiohead. No wonder they canceled the Sony's this year. Alice James and John Robbins podcast. Big news listeners. Because John, who sat to my right, today, he's about two hours in, has started a diet. That's correct, folks. Alice and I did a gig uh yesterday before Uh stand up gig with T V's Russell Howard. And uh looks like Wolverine with his top off. He's exceptionally buff. Not hairy. No, and he doesn't have sort of metal sex of his hands. In terms of muscles. Yeah. I mean I knew this, but when Ellis realized he was Ellis and Russell did a chin-up competition on a door frame in the dressing room because they're sort of blokes. And Russell won because his his hands are harder than mine. And also. Ellis was so obsessed with this fact that he asked so many times that it became awkward for Russell to take his top off to show Ellis his. I don't know what are they glutes? No, that's his th that would be his thighs. His his pecs. Right. And do you know what? I did ask so many times that it became awkward and I do it again. Because when he did eventually take his top off, it was worth it. And then I took my top off to change my T shirt. Russell said to us now you should know, listeners, I have Very thin arms, legs, neck, fingers, toes. Yeah. But a a look. And because I'm not a hairy man, I look like a swollen toddler. Also said to Ellis, What do you think about that porn chay, Ellis? And Ellis said, Oh, it's repulsive. That makes me sound bad. So I weighed myself when I went home, and not only have I put on a stone in the last year, I've put on five pounds in the last ten days. What? When we did the charity gig. I ate three different brands of pizza. Oh my god. So it's pizzas and ale that's the problem. Pizza. Every rock and roll DJ nightmare combination of four percent real ale and uh pizza express pizzas. When I said that your stomach was repulsive. Um You're absolutely right. But you know, I I for any listeners I really need to say you know we were we were in a dressing room, it's comedians, we were bantering a bit harder than you would with you know normal friends. So I d I think that you're a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, John. So I thought you eat too many pizzas and you drink far too much ale. I I reloaded my fitness pal on my phone this morning and I hadn't logged in since May last year. Which I might put on quite a little weight. So I've decided to go on when I lived when I lived with you and used to go swimming, you look nice then. You'd come in and you'd flex your muscles and I'd I'd occasionally give you a round of applause. So listeners, I um thought it might be a good idea for us to uh take a photo of uh my belly every week to see how my progress went. But then Producer Dave took a photo and I was so ashamed that I'm not sure they want us to tweet it. But what we want to hear from you today is what body parts What unusual body parts do you have that you want to celebrate? Because we're gonna celebrate uh my ludicrous, malnourished, ironically looking belly because I'm overly nourished. So what have you got maybe uh a thumb that can travel through time? Or uh a knee foot that can taste. A kneecap that's very right wing. Um are your body parts that you're embarrassed about? We're gonna celebrate them, folks. XFM. Ellis James and John Robbins on XFM. Podcast. Now long term listeners you'll remember that John used to read aloud from Tony Blackburn's autobiography Poptastic. Uh which is very funny and also as a special birthday treat, 'cause we've been on XFM for yeah, has been released as a podcast. So do check that out, however, in tribute to the great man. John has decided to write his own autobiography, A Robins Amongst the Pigeons. Chapter 15 That'll be the Day U. From birth I have suffered with a sacralised L Phi vertebrae. It's my cross and I bear it. with what you might call heroic fortitude or quiet dignity. After one drive to Manchester in my Mini, I was left with crippling back pain, and knew I would have to invest in a car that was up to the task. On the advice of my stepfather, I perused the range of secondhand cars at Holders of Congsbury. As soon as I walked in, greeted by resident twin receptionists Jenny and Diane, I knew this place was a cut above the rest. Founded in 1985, Holders was a pivotal part in Sayat's rebranding as part of the Volkswagen group. Ironically, it was my lumber region's inability to pivot that led me to them. Browsing the forecourt, I tried various sayats. I was impressed. Car seat technology had moved on eon since the mini metro, and I was lost in a world of lumber support, height adjustment, and full horizontal recline. Exiting a particularly tempting say at Leon, I spotted a neat-looking little hatchback. What Fath Alan? I asked. local reputation having secured Alan Holder himself as my guide for the day. Oh that's a Deolanos, he said. It's low mileage and an automatic. Let's see what this baby, I replied. Within seconds of slipping into the well-maintained trim of the Deolanos 1.6 SX, I was smitten. Designed by Giorgetto Guiguerio. Yes, that Giorgetario. It had the sleek design one would expect from an Automotive Hall of Fame inductee and car designer of the Century award winner. By the time the Lanos debuted in 1996, Guggerio had already proven his status with the iconoclastic designs of the Hyundai sonata. The Cinquicento and Veretta CX4 Storm submachine gun. The CX4 was the civilian version of the Breta MX4 and would later become the submachine gun of choice in Canada, following its use in a 2006 Montreal shooting. Lanos wise, however, the 1.6 litre double overhead camshaft provided the kind of power you'd usually expect from a hot hatch. But combined with the authority that a 99.4 inch inch wheelbase provides, it was every executive commuter's dream. I'll take it, I purred. Good choice, Alan Holder remarked. He was right. It was compact, reliable, and the only car they had within my price range. Is that the car? Is that the Lanos? I remember that had mould on the passenger seat. Uh passenger seat rear. XM Alice James and John Robbins on XFM Podcast Brian May's riffs. Pizza Express Pizzas. All to die for. There. That was what they were writing about. The two best things in the world. Pizza Express Pizzas and Brian May's Riffs. I couldn't think of a third. I should really have had a third. You have a third, you can have a third one unless Wales is to die for. Um leather bound the smell of leatherbound books. The smell of leather bound books is quite weird. No? Do they have a nice smell? Yeah. Do you ever remember at school those quite cheap refill pads that smelt of dog dew? And I love the WH Smith ones that had pretend to do lists on. Must pick up Angela from swimming. Oh yeah. I remember that. The refill pad companies would they say, Do you know what the market really needs is a budget refill pad that smells of dog dew. Although in my school canteen, the trees used to smell of dog dew. Wow. And we'd complain and they'd say, Yeah. Right. And then then it was just it was just left at that? What were they serving? Well, like chocolate mousse grill sausages. Ellis James and Sean Robbins on cards. Immigrants song by Led Zeppelin. If that doesn't punch you in the guts, then you don't like riffs like I like riffs. Which leads us on uh to what we're discussing today. We're talking about John's belly because he's gone on a diet. Not that he needs to, 'cause he's a beautiful man. I do. Okay. Technically overweight. Yeah. Alright, I mean for health reasons. But you're still a beautiful. Thanks, mate. Um we are talking about those weird and wonderful body parts and we're celebrating them. Um for instance my friend is quite hard bloken about Um he can fold his ears over four times. And I talk to him to him about it and he tried to I've just got very, very soft ears. They're like velvet. So we've had lots of texts and tweets. Uh if you've got a strange body part that you'd like us to discuss, text us on eight three nine three six or tweet us at XFM. As has Viv CF, who tweeted, say, I've got a horrifically small little finger. I think we're allowed to retweet this because we'd love to see any pictures you've got of these body parts because um I have to say uh Viv But you're Little finger is very small. Uh and there's a wonderful photo of it. It's just like a sort of it looks like it's been photoshopped down. It's almost like a mighty boost sketch. Someone that's got one very small and they do a little improvised rap. Yeah. I mean I've never seen a little finger like it. I can only imagine did you upset God in some way? And so I'm gonna give you a bad hand? Like what like the op maybe she mocked that bit of the 16 shackle that the two fingers are touching. And he went, Cast ye out and giveth ye a small finger like the lamb of the grounds. Which ye then will tweet into at XFM. DJs will discuss ye. Yes, correct. So folks, keep coming in the weird and wonderful body parts you've got that we're celebrating today. Because we're all we all want to be we're different in this sort of uh over photoshopped age, aren't we, Ellis? For goodness sake. I mean life's a rich tapestry. If Ellis composes a nineteen year old in a BBC three sitcom, you're allowed to share with your weird little finger. Exactly. James and Sean R Podcast. Now, team, exciting news. carpet. Dust off your best BHS suit. Alice James and I have been nominated for an award. Ladies and gentlemen, CAWA. Because John and I have been nominated for Best Radio at the Chartle Awards. Uh, we can't believe it's true. It's not a digital radio that we own. No. That's what it sounds like. We have uh been nominated for the prestigious I think they're probably the most prestigious awards in the world. Certainly in the Western world, yeah. For the radio award. Um These awards are held annually in a nightclub in London. And the winners, past winners have included. Oh my God. Well exactly, too many to name. There's too many to name, and I'm sort of overcome by how amazing they all are. Um Ronnie Calbit? Probably lifetime achievement, I would imagine. So folks, we're very chuffed. Ellis sent me a text because this is embarrassing. I should probably shouldn't mention this, but I've actually been nominated for an award individually myself. Yes, John's been nominated twice. He's a double award nominee. A double award nominee. I say that Uh since hearing the news when entering uh any room in my house, I will say, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome double short award nominee John Robbins. And does your girlfriend go Oh she's not in the house when Team, we would uh love it if you would head to the uh chortl.co.uk website to vote for Ellis and I. Yes, it's a public vote. Democracy don't let us down. It is a public vote. Uh we don't want to sound like uh we are Mean. So if you've got a strong reason for choosing someone else, maybe if Ellis and I have slighted you in person, then we'd understand that, wouldn't we, Elis? Yeah, too. So yeah, yeah, all the nominees are great. And we don't want to sound mean. However, I can't Can't say this enough, we really need this. I really need this. So please, if you have any any empathy with me or John as a person, please vote because I've got a kid. Alice does have a kid and she needs it. She doesn't want to grow up knowing that her dad was just nominated for the radio award. Exactly. That's now who's gonna remember the nominees in 25 years' time? Yeah, you can say it's true the win. Anyway, um whether we're gonna tweet a link to that, um, because uh legally we're the only show on the list who's allowed to canvas for votes. Yes. Because we are the first non-BBC show to be nominated. Do it for commercial radio. Yes. I never thought I'd say that. And you can also, if you like, uh vote for John Robbins in the best compare. section. Also all the other nominees in that section are great as well. I used to live with one of them. Won't tell you who. Bit of a teaser. Anyway, to celebrate our award nomination, we're gonna put on our best Brogues. Do our hair with gel, wet look. And go out by blur. It's brand new blur, folks. Blur reforming, thank the Lord. Alice James and Sean Robbins podcast. This morning, folks, we're talking uh and celebrating. Talking about and celebrating. Your weird and wonderful body parts, uh, you can text us on eight three nine three six or tweet at XFM. Or you can email Sassaxfm.co.uk if you're on email. L if you want email. Sorry, I should explain. John makes me laugh a lot by asking by checking that I'm on email. Are you on email producer, Dave? Yeah I'm on email. You're on email. You've got to be on email, Dave. You've got to be on email these days. Are you on email? Yeah. Oh if it's on email isn't. All business is nowadays. It's all on email, it's all on email. How long have you been on email for this? Probably about eighteen. You, really? Yeah, yeah. I was an early adopter of email. I'll drop you an email. Cheers. I call it electronic mail just so people know exactly that that's the one I'm talking about and not snail mail. It's amazing, is it? I mean who sends letters anymore? It's all on email. You've got to be on email. Listeners, get you've got to be on email. If you're on email, listeners, then uh uh send us uh an email. Um hope it gets through. You know some of them just get lost in the system. Um but if it gets through, we will uh open it up. Uh And read it. So uh we've had some uh had some texts come in. If you're on text, uh still send us a text in. SMS. I sometimes call it an SS. Yeah if you're on SMS. So team, uh we've had some uh You've got to be on SMS. Doesn't work with Twitter, because that is a justifiable question. Are you on Twitter? Yes. Some people aren't. But if you're on email, drop us a line. RJB 10 has uh said as a tweet, he said, I have the platiest face in the world. Brackets most plate like face. Brilliant. Because we are celebrating your uh weird and wonderful body parts. We have a great one from Jay Cook, I have a toe for a thumb. And he sent a picture of his thumb, which is uh just like a toe. It really is like a big toe. Incredibles. So we'll retweet that. Check out the Incredibles. Yeah. Yes. This is my favorite though. I don't know what this is, but my dimples are so big I can hold money in one. Or smarties from Dina Hammond. Fantastic pub trick that must be. But just money or smarty's no other small item. Like a like a sort of chalk for pool cube or something. That would be amazing. Or a lipstick. Then you could write on a mirror with lipstick that's held in your cheek dimples. Yes, whilst using your hands for something else, for example a sudoku. Or checking your email. Or writing an email. As long as you're an email. Alice James and John Robbins, the podcast. It's the tensest feature on the radio. It's a winner, please on. This is the part of the show, folks, where Ellis and I compete to play a chosen track. Over five questions on our specialist topics. Last week, uh the mod movement beat uh the US office. Ellis was victorious. Uh this week my topic is Black Adder, the T V series. And Ellis, what's your track if you win? Uh this is the one by the stone roses. Oh this is the one by the stone roses. Mine is Imitation of Life by R. E. M. Oh good tune. Right then. John's about to toss a coin, see who gets to go first. The coins being tossed. Tails for wheels, please, confronting them to you. It's queens for queen. Again? Yeah, we've this is this is the gamblers fallacy. I was looking it up. It's a thing called the gambler's fallacy. Right, uh. So named after a night in the 1910s where black came up twenty six times in a row in Blackjack. Wow. Yes. Anyway. Uh I am gonna ask you five questions on the mod movement starting now. Which drug was criminalized in the mid-60s as a response to its use by mods? Um uh amphetamines? Correct, trust you to know that. What is a skelly? I don't know. It's a unmodified or stripped down scooter driven by hard mods. Who described the mod movement as, quote, clean living under difficult circumstances. Yes? His name Peter Grant. It's Pete Meaden. Peter Grant was led Zeppelin, wasn't it? Oh, can I. I'll give you half a point for that. Oh thanks. Hard mods are frequently cited as the forerunners of what subculture movement. Correct. The mod revival of the 70s and 80s was inspired by the release of which film? Oh, Codrafinia. Correct. Three and a half. Right, John's five questions on Black Adder. Here we go. Starting now. Had he survived the war, who was Captain Darling planning to play cricket for on his return to Blighty? I think I've gone too hard. I'm so sorry. But I really look like other these are easy for me. He's gonna marry Doris, he's gonna work for Prattons, and he's gonna play cricket for the Harrow second eleven? No as the Croyton gentleman. Oh, these are two hard. I'm sorry, which sharpened fruit did Black Art of save Field Marshal Haig from during the Bull War? Um Kiwi. No mango. Oh I was gonna say manga, but you can't sharpen it because of the stone. Oh god! In Black Adder the Third, in which rotten burrow does Baldric stand for as an MP? This is easy. Donny on the Wald. Who plays the Duke of Wellington in Duel and Duality? Stephen Froy. Stephen Froy, correct. Finishes Lord Flushheart quote. Brainsmaid like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to! Okay, great. Well done this. Sorry, oh god, it's got tense in here. That was so much too hard for a first show. Basically, I re-watched all of Black Art a couple of months ago and I realized my girlfriend hadn't seen any of it, so. For me that was easy. I didn't even have to check online for that. I just know that stuff. Fine. I mean I Sorry John, I thought you liked Black Hudder. I do, I love Black Hadder! So how can you not know that? They are easy questions, John. They're not easy questions. Complete in quotes week one. Unbelievable. Also, some of us have to prepare for the show so we don't have quite as much time as you. The stone roses. I'm actually gonna come off email. This is the one by the stone roses. That was my choice. I got to play that because I won winner plays on this week with questions that were arguably slightly too hard for John because he's been. Too hard. We've added a tweet from uh friend of the show, Joe Ball. I consider myself to be a proper blackadder geek, and that was ruddy hard. Sorry. It's just I've watched all of it very recently. Do you want to Because you don't have so much time on your hands, I thought that's how you'd advise. I thought you'd watch it. I didn't have time I was preparing my autobiography. I've read an autobiography, what have you ever done? I need to get your eyes. I love our listeners. We have had so many emails from people to say that they are on email, including one email to say that I'm not on email. How do I get on email? But anyway, John, um what's your topic gonna be next week? The history of email. Yes. I'm gonna research the history of the email as a special thing to do, as a special trait, even though I'm quite busy next week. XFM, Alice James, and John Robbins on XFM podcast. We are celebrating your Weird and wonderful mightn't deviate from the norm body parts in tribute to John's Belly. Might be above average body parts, might be below average body parts. Why are you pointing at me? Now we've had a text uh in on this. I've seen John's Belly. I watched Funny Valentine and it's not nice. But it's not disgusting. Please do change his XFM pick though. He's always disgusted me visually like the puppet in a dark crystal brought to life. Funny Valentine, he was really handsome. Just uh to be clear. I couldn't cope with that. Funny Valentine is the uh short film me and Ellis were a part of uh for iPlayer, which you can still check for iPlayer. Um I'm just gonna get up my XFM uh picture because uh I I know what you mean about the puppet like quality the photographer captured. Um but the funny thing about that picture, if you uh want to go on the XFM uh website and uh look at me and Alice. on our picture there is that Ellis uh is probably about, I would say, two inches shorter than me in that photo. And he was standing on a box. Yes. They had to get a special box. But I do have a slightly dark crystal quality about me if you're familiar with that nineteen eighties. Jim Henson film. Uh if not, then send us in your Weird and Wonderful Body Parts uh tweet uh at XFM Text 83936. If you're on email. That's an email to SatsxFm.co.uk. Alice James and John Robbins, the podcast. Now it's time for that part of the show where John and I will try and solve one of your problems. It's textual healing. My girlfriend ever put lids on anything. My dad's lifts women. I've got a mustache. I'm glot to shave it off. Are you in a relationship? With my mustache. Sexual Sexual That's right, folks. Uh we've got a caller on the line uh to ask me in a letter for advice What's it what's your name? It's Jordan. Hey Jordan, Jordan, nice to speak to you. What's your problem, Jordan? Well uh about fourteen years ago Um I was sixteen, I and I had this old uh Gizmo toy from the film Gremlins. Yeah, it's a small little plastic toy, so I covered it quite highly and I I don't know if you were similar when you're sort of about that age, but uh went into a habitat and saw a solitary panda teddy bear on the top shelf on its own and burst into tears. Perfect. Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. And there was this one particular period when I had all my toys out on my shelf and I'm not gonna lie to you, I'd fallen into a bit of a bad crowd. I had I had a group of friends that uh I didn't really trust very very much and one of them had a girlfriend and he used to come around to my house and I remember being out of my bedroom and they were in there, my friend and his girlfriend. And as I was coming back into my bedroom, I heard her say, Do you think he'll notice? Oh. I thought at the time it was because she was sitting in my favourite chair. Two years later, once I'd gotten out of that bad crowd and I'd turned my life around, I realised it was the Gizmo toy. I hadn't seen it since then. They'd stolen it. They'd stolen it. And it's been 14 years and I can't go over it. So are you still in contact with these people? Are you on email, Jordan? I am I am on email, yeah. Um are they on email? I don't know. Her name her name, right, was Chloe Conway. Right. And she went to she went to Isha High School. I'd imagine she's gonna be Chloe underscore Conway at Hotmail.com. Hopefully, hopefully, Jordan, we can use this feature to reunite you with your Gizmo toy first. Obviously we can't We can't solve the problem, but we can maybe put you in touch. What was her name again? Chloe Conway. Right, Conway. Chloe Conway. I am addressing you directly now. If you are listening to XFM, you have stolen a Gizmo toy, an important sentimental artifact from Jordan's life. If you are on email, which I hope you are, I would like you to be. You've got to be these days. You've absolutely got to be on email. I want you to contact Saturday at xfm.co.uk Chloe Conway from Isha High School. Because Jordan cannot go over it. Listen to his voice. Please, Claire. Please. Oh, it's like a common life. Uh and you just confirmed your new one on email. So if she gets in contact, we can contact you via email. Yeah, I guess this is the quickest way. Yeah. Don't give it away in case you get lots of w weirdos. Yes. But we've got your email address and that's fine, we'll translate it to it. And what was the name of her accomplice? Um her name of the of the of my former friend was Jamie Traynor. Jamie Traynor. He knew the whole time and we stayed friends for like a year later and I he watched me look for it. He watched me look for it going, where is it? Where is it? He knew What if Jamie Traynor is actually now a musician called Jamie T. Jamie Trainer or Chloe Conway. If you're listening to John Robbins and Alice James on XFM, then after you have voted for us in the Tortle Awards as Best Radio, then you must immediately send us an email, if you're on email. We need a picture of the gizmo. Yes, with today's newspaper. Yes. Jordan, stay with us through the show. We're gonna try and keep you updated on this. We'll get you guys more, Jordan. And hopefully we can do a handover live on air. Thanks guys. No worries, mate, not a problem. Imagine a mechanic. What do you see? Someone in the garage? Repairing an engine? Or do you see a problem solver? Using their skill to maintain vital equipment during an aid delivery operation. Because we do. We know you have skills. We'll show you how to use them in new ways. Find the reserve in you. Search. Army reserve. You belong here.com. That was zombie by Jamie T, or is it Jamie Trainer, the man who stole Jordan's gizmo. That's right, T. If you would like to put my microphone up, uh producer Dave, that would be great. We are now on a show. Producer Dave is distracted because he dropped his Mac. Well, he's also distractive because you two have been carrying on your off air bromance by googling football shirts from the eighties if you like and showing them to each other whilst having ideas that you would maybe be sat on a sofa one evening sharing a bottle of wine and looking at old shirts and then you take off your shirts work out with each other. Which is all fine, but just save it for winning your own time. I d I've gotta be honest, even though this is an award winning show and you can vote for us. Actually we haven't won. It's uh it's uh it's nominated, you can vote for us by going on shortwallco. Okay. But you I would imagine you need to be on email for that. Uh no, you just have to have access to the internet, so just go down your local library, uh visit your nephew. Ellis James and JohnRobbins.com. Fish in the bowman with Kathleen. We are saying he's been laughing so much because we have had in the last couple of minutes three emails of people from people just saying, I'm on email. This from Liam Noble. He says, I'm on email. You've got to be Liam. You've got to be. And um we've had a message from um Chris in North London to say, I have a very small mouth. My dentist says it's the smalling op smallest opening of any client he's ever had. You should be able to put three fingers in your open mouth. Um it should be five to six centimeters average. Mine is two centimeters. What? Imagine having a I'm just for the benefit of listeners, I'm putting two fingers in my mouth. Don't worry, I'm not gonna be sick. Oh yeah. Oh wow. You won't be able to eat um eat as many pizzas as I did with the speed and ferocity that I do. We're still getting emails from people saying that they're on email. Uh just to remind you folks, we're talking about your weird and wonderful uh body parts. We're celebrating them because of my quote. We've uh had uh we've had a couple of messages to say people are on email. Which is great, guys, because really you just have to be on email these days. All business is done on email. People often put it on their CVs that they're on email. Just on the front page. By the way, I'm on email. We had a message to say someone's got oh, this is amazing from Matt Wilcock. When I'm given change in shops, it falls through this weird gap between my bent fingers. And he sent a photo and he basically looks like his natural resting state of his hand is doing the Star Trek uh. Wow. My mate's a bit like that because he played so much cricket, you just kept breaking his hands. Oh, he kept breaking his hands. Well the fingers. Not a thing. He broke his fingers on as I'm fielding. I'd love to see a photo about is he on email? He could email in the show. We're all we're of course, guys, we're on email here at uh XFM. If you want to get in contact, it's saturday at xfm.co.uk. A few uh rather rude ones coming in, um, but the favourite so far has been um Jay Cook 89, who's got a a toe for a thumb. As apparently has Megan Fox. I mean the mind boggles. Then I'm getting tweets from people saying that they're on email. You just I mean you have to be. What chance have we got if you know an email? So anyway. Uh team coming. The Chemical Brothers, I bet they're on email quite early on. Cause they're quite sort of into technology, weren't they? Yeah, yeah. They will have been emailing that from a like a blue yonder account. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. GeoCities. Yeah, Fastnet. Yes. Uh anyway, team, uh we have the Chemical Brothers here with Hey Boy, hey girls. You've gotta be on email. You've got to you've got to be on email. Uh you're listening to Ellis James and John Robbins on email. XFM. James and John Robbins on XFM podcast. It's now time for It's email of the species. If you're on email, uh then do get in touch with Saturday at xfm.co.uk and we will read out uh the best bits of the correspondence either now on the live show or in the podcast intro. So do download the podcast uh even if you don't like the show. Yeah. We really need it. Yes, we do. Uh we've had a great email from Susie, uh who this is sort of in response to us releasing the uh complete Tony Blackburn podcast as an extra treat uh last week. She says years ago my husband told me that he'd been jet skiing with Tony Blackburn as a young teenager. I assume she meant on holiday in Spain, and thought nothing of it until the years later when we were listening to John Reading aloud from the chapter of Tony's autobiography that dealt with his jet skiing on a lake near Reading. Actually, Susie, he he was windsurfing near Heathrow. Anyway. So her husband been jet skiing uh as a teenager with uh Tony Blackburn. It also happened that Tony ended up giving my husband and his sister a list l a lift home. Tony had failed to secure his jet ski trailer to his car properly, with the result that a piece of metal was scraping along the air before giving off sparks. Passing motorists attempted to alert Tony to this by beeping their car horns, but naturally he assumed that they were just fans, showing their appreciation of a much-loved radio DJ, and he simply waved at them, adopting a look of mock humble sheepishness for the benefit of his young passengers. It is lovely. Lovely to hear a story about a radio DJ from the 70s giving youths a lift home that doesn't end in court. Absolutely brilliant. And that's why Tony Mightburn is still in demand. A perfectly innocent lift. Yes. Yeah, just a lift from A to B. Absolutely brilliant. Nothing tawdry. Just taking them back from windsurfing in Reddit. Well done, Tony Blackburn, you absolute legend. Uh folks, you can actually get uh An audiobook of Tony Blackburn reading the entire pop tastic on both iTunes and Audible. Imagine being the engineer on those sessions. You would just I don't know what you'd have to sew your mouth shut. How was the work today? Fantastic on every level. So uh keep your emails coming in, folks. We do read them all and uh very much appreciate you getting in touch with the show. Uh right now it's time for us to go. So thanks so much. We have I just need to play this. I'm doing a gig for centre point, the homelessness challenging on Monday night at the Palace Theatre. What's your cut? With X with fifty. I'm not skimming anything with XFM's very own uh Josh Widdercom and Joe Loiset and Sarah Basco. Joe Loiset? Joe Loiset playing it? Oh he's so funny. Watching for tickets! So go and check Ellis out and they guarantee at least 10 pence from every ticket goes directly to Frontline Services. Right now, this is Royal Blood with Out of the Black. Ellis James and John Robbins on exit. Hot card. by the vaccines. Do you think the vaccines are on email? They must be. Yeah. They must be. They sure I would imagine the vaccines are on email. Are you on email? If you like this podcast, why not check out some of the other great ones available to download at xfm.co.uk. XM. Gross Witicum. Still drawn by Neil with a massive Lucavite. Yeah. Yeah. And uh and John Richardson. Hello? With a small water. Small water. I mean if we'd played match match the drink. Wow. Right, now the topic of today is things you've bought drunkenly online. I imagine you've done this. Yeah, I frequently do it. I was through a period when I lived in Swindon and I was drinking quite heavily. As you do. Those two things tend to go together. I uh I would the worst incident I had was that I was watching closer, you know, the Clive Owen Yeah Uh based on the sexually charged film. Yeah. Oh there's just one scene in it which is just