Textual Healing and Listener Emails

Ellis James and John Robbins podcast XM. Hey folks, welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast. Uh we've had a very good show, frenetic. Producer D put in an absolute ton today of a shift. And he never complains, even though he's going to a wedding later and he's wearing a suit and he's he's done a Lee Evans. He's actually sweated through his suit, but he he n he hasn't mentioned it. Just gets on with the job. He looks like a championship footballer up for ABH. in a court. His hair's great. He looks like a young um oh who's that really annoying football commentator often does championship games who never knows what's he he's about to say until he says it and he keeps going live um Chris Kamara. No um Steve Claridge. Steve Claridge F Well we got there in the end. That was worth it. Glad that wasn't on the show. I look nothing like Steve Clarid. You do look anyway. Let's stop talking about Steve Claridge. I think that's probably for the best. I bet you Steve Clarridge has said that. Like in social situations. Let's stop talking about Steve Clownage for sure. Loud. But we had a lot of fun today, uh all of the usual features and all that sort of stuff. And in answer to Mike's email, you can email us if you're on email at Sassa Xfm.co.uk. I did say Heads for Fred in Winner Plays On today instead of Queens for Queen 'cause it was something that was bugging him. Maybe from now on I will say Heads for Fred. Someone um I think that's better than Queens for Queen. Yeah, someone tweeted me in the week uh saying uh hope you've got a couple of these and it was a phone of him with some limited edition Killer Queen vodka. They brought out vodka to celebrate the anniversary of the release of Killer Queen and I had a bottle, so I tweeted him a picture back saying, I'm already on it. Oh that must have felt It felt so, so good. Really nice. Um My girlfriend for me. I'm not a huge vodka drinker, but it's very smooth. Is it? Yes. I always drink vodka 'cause I think it'll minimize my hangover because it's so clear. It is true that darker darker spirits and fortified wines do contain more somethings that give you worse hangovers. Brandy's the worst, apparently. Uh red wine r ruins me the next day. Does it? Yeah. Um Housewives Revenge. That's what that means. Gin. How mother's ruin, isn't it? Gin. Yeah. Anyway, uh sorry, I love it. I'd love to do a podcast where we've talked about booze. Sho should we suggest that to ex if um like food and drink, but booze and booze. Sean and Ellis is booze and booze. Oh then we could follow up podcast called chips and fags. Oh lovely stuff. Smoke facts outside a chip shop. In fur coats. So uh thanks so much for downloading team. Do spread the word about the podcast if you feel it could improve the life of a loved one. Um and it's always a pleasure to put out and thanks for all of your correspondence during the show. If you think the introduction to the podcast could improve, we know. Yeah. That's our fault. But anyway, thanks for listening. Hope you enjoy it. Come on. Alice James and SeanRobbins.com Basket Case by Green Day. It's 1998. You're sat in your friend's mum's kitchen smoking fags and everything is ahead of you. Let's fast forward to 2015 where it's all gone terribly wrong. But luckily, music exists to bring back feelings of your past. Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to XFM. I am John Robbins, and to my lesst. is the rightful heir to the medieval throne of Gwynedd, Mr. Ellis James. Good morning, John. I can't let it go. It's Gwinev. Gwinev? Yes. Well they should spell it without two D's. Yeah, but two D's is a letter in his own right, isn't it? Yeah, but it's almost like they're emphasizing that you should definitely say it D. Well because they put two D. Let's agree to disagree, John. Don't describe, you know, your behavior as mathening. So. Uh Alice, I am glad to see you this morning. Do you know why? No. I gave you a hug when we came in the shoot in the studio, didn't we? Yeah. But I just I just I I thought you were drunk. No, there's a first time for everything. I dreamt last night that you had died. And it wasn't a sort of mad crazy dream where lots of weird things happen. It was just a real Harrowing experience. So not like when I'm crushed to death by a unicorn or any stuff. Just uh We had we were midway between gigs on a long drive and we had stopped off at some people's house who I I don't know they weren't anyone I knew to cook a roast. And I'd brought all the ingredients of the roast. Pork and beef and too much time. So you're not a vegetarian in your dreams then, J. Well no I was, because what happened was uh whilst helping them cook the roast, you died. And they came to tell me and I thought I'm so stressed, I'm gonna eat meat. And um but it was absolutely horrible. And I had to I was I was because I was the only one there that knew you, I had to call your mum, I had to tell our agent. And I woke up at the moment I realized I had to tell your girlfriend and you'd left a baby without a father. Do you call my agent before my girlfriend out of interest? Well it went mum, agent, girlfriend. That's interesting. But then obviously Girlfriend in a way is the most disturbing for my subconscious. But I made a pledge before I told her that I would uh look after little baby Betty uh so that she could carry on with her work. Your your girlfriend. But the the funny reason you died was I asked why he died. And they said he's been five times the legal drink drive limit for a week. Whilst you weren't absolutely hammered, your body had just given up. So I'd I'd mediumed it for too long. For too long. And your body just collapsed. I think that might be my subconscious telling me something about my Wow. So if only I'd larged it for a d and then had a day off, I'd have been fine. You'd have been fine. The Dave Mustam technique, the producer D technique. But then I thought, oh well our radio show's gonna get cancelled. And then I thought, no, you could probably do it on your own. Ellis couldn't, but you probably could. And then I thought probably get Ellis's wages as well if I'm doing it on my own. Yeah. I mean there is a there's a silver lining to every cloud, I think. But I was so I was I've never been so pleased it was a dream. Where I dreamt I was in a fleet of aircraft crashing. Definitely. What's the best so good for you mate? Glad you're alive and well. Cheers, man. Uh, and looking handsome by the vaccines. XFM On XFM. John, I was in Abarustwith on Thursday night. Alright, bragging. So one of my favorite news stories of all time, car tire let down in Sunilar. That's not true. Made page five of the Cumbrian News. Hadn't even been slashed. No let down. But by uh by a sort of an aggressor or by the owner of the vehicle. They think by an aggressor. Oh what's happening. The police are appealing for information about the phantom downer of Sunny Lad. That really is the difference between uh rural Wales and London, because last night I did a gig where a group of people were thrown out and as they left they flicked a lit cigarette in the in the showrunner's face and the police did nothing even though they had it on CCTV. Yeah. Well like when I got my car when I got my car stuff, when I got my bag stolen, they had it all on CC TV and the police just went, Yeah. It's it's I mean I don't want to use the platform that XFM gives me t to to talk about crime. But can I just say that crime is bad and I hate it. Absolutely correct. So if you're a criminal and you're listening to XFM, switch to another station. Because we do. But do download the podcast. It's just sort of a figures game. That was Kathleen by Catfish and the Bottleman. them at uh the Running Elite Festival. Uh they're playing on the stage. And uh great. If only hey L, if only they were catfish in the bottle women, then maybe they're meal more equality in music. Yes. Good point. You're making reference to a tweet about uh how nail heavy the lineup is, aren't you there, John? Yes I am actually because I'm a feminist. Unlike you Alice. What? You said that seems like too many. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am as much of a feminist as Jermaine Grier, Andrew Dworkin, Simone de Beauvoir. Well the others. Name a fourth feminist. Cut Memorand. Very yes. So who's your favorite female band? Elastica. Nice. Followed by Sleeper. Followed by the go-goes. I think we're girls. Joan Bayers? Yes. She's a girl. Oh God. Sorry, I've I bumped myself into a corner. I love I love women in all art forms. Do you? I love Madonna. Yes. And I was sad when she fell off the stage. Were you? I didn't see that. I did. I didn't think it was funny. I didn't know why everyone seemed to really relish it on Twitter. I just don't understand what was funny about women falling off some steps. Well, because people en masse are either incredibly kind or incredibly. Very cruel. Yes. Never a true word spoken, John. Thanks, mate. You're more of a philosopher than a broadcaster, I think. It's called crowd theory, mate. Oh, okay. So that's something you read, not just something you improvised. Well I improvise the wording based on knowledge. God, I wish I'd gone to Oxford Brooks University. Oh dear. Um a man in Lewisham on my way back from the gym tried to sell me gold the other day. Oh yeah. On the street. He was uh gave me this big spiel about uh gold as a good investment. He was clear he was like eighteen. And was on the make. So I said, What was the opening price of gold today? And what did he say? He said, Well no five No, yeah, it's done that what it is, it's just a good investment, right? And I said, It was uh twelve hundred and eight dollars. Do you honestly think I would buy gold from someone in the street? If I was buying gold, I would buy ETFs. He didn't know what ETFs were. You are the only person in London who would have done that to him that day. Yeah, I should have called the police. Well weirdly, that's what I quite turp in. Yes, I and that's why I didn't take too much umbrage, because it's sort of quite a nostalgic crime. I can imagine a walker trying to pass off copper. that's been painted gold as gold. But he was trying to sell a credit card with and it had like a chip sized bit of gold in it and he was trying to sell it to me for 40 quid a gram as my first bit of gold. As if he was going to get me addicted to gold. Like a heroin dealer. But A, it wasn't a gram of gold, and B, a gram of gold costs twelve hundred dollars. No, not twelve hundred dollars, like six hundred dollars. So why on earth would I buy it from a man in the street who took out of his wallet? I wonder if he sold any gold that day. Well that's what I was thinking. Did he get home and did his girlfriend say, how was working? Oh, pretty bad actually. It's hard selling gold in the street. But I I wished I said to him, mate, you're clearly a very good confident salesman. Go and work in car phone wear. Go and work in Dixon. Foods for you are good. Yeah, double glazing. Even a call center. So I maybe if he does try and sell me gold again on the street, I will give him some careers advice. Yes. Put an arm around the shoulder and say you've got a lot going for you, but it's not in selling gold. As long as it's in a public place and in the day. Because I don't want him to turn. I don't want to be killed by a wad of fake gold. Ellis James and John Robbins on XFM podcast. Now John, I've gotta be honest. You look great. Thanks, mate. You certainly look better than last week. And the reason I'm saying this isn't because I'm trying to put an arm around your shoulder and sort of boost your confidence as you're broadcasting to the nation. Well you're looking at me with those come to bet eyes. John, you've been on a diet, haven't you, for a week. I've been on a diet for a week, uh, ladies and g's. Uh I was getting to the point where my body nude or in a tight T shirt looked physically repulsive. Not your words, but my words. Actually. And the TVs Russell Howard described me with my top off. Uh as looking like a toad's throat. Which I thought was very uh evocative. Yeah, yeah. Basically serious uh bare belly problems here, folks. Yeah, thin arms, thin chests, thin legs, thin neck, thin face. fingers. Well there was only one place that's big belly, but big belly. So I uh decided to go on a uh diet folks um just uh watching McCal's counting McCal's trying to get back into the gym back into the habit And um it turns out uh in a week I've lost four pounds. Well done. Quite a lot of pounds. Yeah. I when you came in and said I've lost four pounds and you really I couldn't work out what mood you're in. I thought you lost four like pound sterling. Did you think I was gambling again? Yeah. I'm just gonna give you four quid. So um this is basically I'm using an app, uh uh MyFitnessPal and uh getting back into the gym and cut key things cutting down on the old uh ales. Because five ale is a thousand calories. Which is breathtaking. But it turns out my body has I have a superpower which is I can I've got very fast metabolism. I just burn four pounds in a week by doing very making very few changes. So you could eat a sending dinner and then an hour later I'd probably have another one. Yeah, and have done that. I actually did that at um the Mason's Arms, a brewer's fair near my mum's house. I ate a a a a large a king size roast. It's like an all you can eat. And then uh chatted for about half an hour and then uh had another one. Yeah, my cousins exactly the same. He had a King's Nice Rose and then he went down to his Chippy for playing chips. Lovely stuff like an hour later. Then went for a run. Because of an animal. But anyway. So this morning on XFM we are asking for your weird Superpowers. They don't need to be useful. Well, it's ideally stuff that is useless. Yes. Because burning stubborn fat without making huge changes to your habits is of very little use whatsoever. But it turns out it's the one talent I've got other than broadcasting and stand up. Mine is uh uh reverse parking. Oh mine's reverse parking as well. Mine's better than you. No. Oh Which one of us was it that taught your girlfriend how to reverse park with a diagram that they wrote in your house two weeks ago. Yeah, but that's because my reverse parking is so instinctive. Like it I can't teach it to anyone. I can just do it. I reverse parked. in Crystal Palace yesterday and a man came out of his house and he gave me a round of applause. Well he watched me like a d he was doing it with his eyes. I did a reverse puck. And James Acaster, comedian, can confirm this. I did a reverse puck in Uh Liverpool after a four hour drive into a space so tight that I took a photo of it afterwards. I take photos of my voice bucking all the time. Well, I love you. Of course this show's been nominated for Best Radio at the Chortel Awards. Unfortunately voting has now closed, which means it's all to play forwards all out there. Uh which gave John an excuse to practice his um acceptance speech on me. I would say he was snarling with rage at one point. Arms aloft, going ten years, talking about all the people who'd stolen his awards from him for the last decade. with anger, would you say that's fair, John? I'd say righteous I after I practiced my acceptance speech, folks, uh Ellis admitted off air that he wasn't really into Nirvana, he was into Michelle Gale when he was that age. XFMs, Ellis Change. James, the voice of Indy saying that he preferred Michelle Gale. Because as a youngster I liked pop music, which meant which led me to buy um M people's elegant slumming. But they did do a cover of Victor, which much later than that. Was it that was after what I regard as in people's glory period. XFM Ellis James and John Robbins on XFM. Podcast. Now to celebrate our anniversary, we've been broadcasting for a year. Uh we've released a podcast of John Reading Alone from Tony Blackburn's Autobiography, which is the funniest thing on iTunes. Bold claim, but it's completely true. So to pay tribute to Tony Blackburn's autobiography, Poptasting, John has written his own. And here we have it, John Reads aloud, from Robins Amongst the Pigeons. Chapter 16. My Drugs Hell The summer of 2009 was a crazy time. I had just picked up the award for Best Debut Show at the Leicester Comedy Festival. My head was in a whirl. I knew that I was the topic of every conversation. in Leicester for an evening if it was about the best debut show award. One day in April, however, disaster struck. Whilsting to activate the handbrake in my Deo Lanos, I slipped a disc in my lower back. It's a story as old as time. And the only downside of the sturdy handbrake tension synonymous with later Deus. It was essential I was pain free for my birthday the following week. It was to be an intimate event. I had whittled down the hundred or so Bristol Kingmakers, hangers-on and sycophants to two or three close friends and two of their friends whom I didn't know. At the pre-party drinks, I was suffering. when one of the group suggested I use illegal drugs to ease the pain. Like Frank Zappa and the cast of Grange Hill 1985-87, I have long belonged to the anti-drug set. Grass, Duchy, Benson and Hendricks, call it what you will, the fact is, hashish ruins lives. Desperate to alleviate the pain, however, I showed weakness. And the pusher pounced, no doubt eager to add another waster to his client list. Dear reader, it is with a voice full of shame that I have to admit I partook of those drugs. Yes, I dropped the dragon. I stroke the horse. I voted for Mare Dooby Dublini. Within minutes I became withdrawn. I chastised myself for my run in with Mare Doobie Dubliani. And then immediately became fixated on the word mare. Was it a word? Of course it was a word. It sounded similar to a term for a horse, but it was spelt differently. I wrangled with this conundrum. Mare. Mere. I continually repeated the word in my head. I was gone, bewitched by the curse of Rastafarai. As the effects began to wane, it became clear this internal struggle with simple words had lasted almost two hours. My shame was complete. I had lost my basic understanding of homophones. I vowed never to enter the gutter again. And through my own inner strength, I have remained drugs free ever since. Fuck you, John. I remember that. I remember you calling me very upset. You said L. I've been smoking Bifters. I'm in a drugs hell, El. And I said, Yeah. How many And he went, well one, because I had a bad back and I was like, I think it'd be fine. I have stared into the abyss. And I did not like what I saw. No, just the word meh again and again and again and again. And ever since I've been drugs free, save alcohol, nicotine, and lemsit max strength. Sudafed? No way. I'm not gonna take that risk. Ellis James and John Robbins podcast X This morning we're talking about your pointless superpowers because I can seemingly burn excess fat without having to do much dieting. Ellis can reverse park almost as well as me. And we've had some great tweets and texts come in. This is my favorite uh from Bezi says, I have a superpower. I'm 40 years old and I've never had a headache. Great! That's six brilliant. It's no use. But when he gets a headache. Oh. He's being like, ah, what's happening to my mind? I've got pain in my face. Uh I can pick up. This is from King Harry. Oh no, it's from Greg, so I was confused by Twitter handle. My point of superpower. I can pick up exact amounts of cutlery without counting. Phenomenal. Like a sort of uh catering rain man. Yeah Ha ha ha. James and Sean Robins. That was Rabbit Hole by JMT, and now as promised, we are going to switch over live to talk to our friend Mark Watson, who is known for his sort of marathon long gigs. And uh this year he's doing a 27 hour gig in aid of comic relief. That's too long. It it is it is not the longest one he's done. And um I think we join him uh we're gonna be joining him about the thirteenth hour. So uh Mark, how's it going? Uh I always turn this question over to the audience. How's it going? Wow We're just in the middle of the discussion about whether we can get Rufus Hound tasered if it's in the He He might die of a heart attack if you do that, might he? Yeah, but we're part worrying about the health and safety. We're just looking about whether it'll be economically bad or Good, exactly, 'cause it's a charity event. And you know, I mean stuff happens at a twenty seven hour charity event and if Rufus Hound dies of a heart attack 'cause he's been tasered for a laugh, that's just You've gotta you've gotta think of the bigger picture. Well that is very much the audience's point of view. It's in hand's point of view, to be fair, yeah. We've just got to be more worried about it. Can I just say as someone who isn't tired and who hasn't been up for twenty hours or whatever it is, I think it's fine. How did you get hold of the taser, Mark? Well, this is one of the many obstacles that lie in our path there. The powers that be don't actually want us to have a taser. Yeah. We're looking at alternative challenges, maybe a challenge for Adam Hills, maybe a challenge for hills, and how long have you got them for, Mark? Hands and hills are essentially trapped here. Well, how about we're talking um about uh sort of useless superpowers you have on the show today, because I it turns out I can burn excess fat quite quickly. Why don't you see which of them can lose the most weight by the end of the show? That idea has generated a reaction in the room, definitely. Why is that as as Hound put on a couple of stones? Is that why he left uh Iran scoundrels? And also, make sure Hills isn't allowed to just take off his foot to lose a couple of pounds. Yes, I I hadn't really thought about that, yeah. How are you, by the way? What happened to the world these days? What's happening in the world? Well I dreamt Ellis was dead last night, so I'm just full of joy that uh not presenting the show on my own. And even I'm glad to be alive now, because John's dream was sort of horribly vivid. Yeah. Other than that, life's great. We've had a tweet in from a man whose superpower is that he's over forty and he's never had a headache. He's never ever had a headache. So Mark thanks very much for joining us and good luck with your 27 hour marathon gig. Folks, if you do want to uh donate to Mark through Comic Relief, you can text Mark to 70005. You can also go on the Red Nose Day website and uh ask him to do any task with any of the assembled celebrities he's got through tweet or text. Thanks a lot guys. Bye Alice James and John Robbins podcast Helter Skelter by the Beatles. You're listening and John Robbins on XFM. Now some of you might know that Mark Watson what you purposefully ate mango too close to the point at which we were going on air and gave us the big kind of I can eat mango when I like and then you couldn't it was still in your mouth and you smacked your lips on air which is bad broadcasting and me and producer Dave agree on this. I don't know I don't know wh how why you think that. Folks this morning we are talking about your um Yeah your useless superpowers because I can uh burn fat at a very h useful uh rate, but it's not really I can't make it I can't monetize that talent. Ellis uh can reverse park. Uh we've had some great tweets and texts in. Uh this is one from Little Jason. I can lift a kettle off the Power just before the auto clicker switches off when it boils, but then it switches off in midair. I do that. You can also do that. It saves me about two seconds per cup of tea or coffee. Right. Over a lifetime. Probably about ten minutes. Yeah. I mean I'm I'm not gonna I'm I would I could listen to you know ten minutes of a podcast to see. Or uh ironically you could spend that ten minutes waiting for a kettle to boil. Yes, that's true. We also had one from um I like this from Lucy in London. She can hear the silent animal deterrents. I well I d I don't understand that. Like people people get plugs uh that they put in to get rid of mice. They emit kind of high frequency sounds. Um But you know they do that. They do that in a a in a spine Barry near Cardiff to uh As a deterrent for teenagers. Oh they do used to do that uh outside problem sort of news agents to to scare off teenagers with high frequency. Because probably teenagers' hearing is different. Yeah Do they still do that? So a 40 year old you know a 40-year-old person can walk into a news age and absolutely fine, yeah. If you're 13. It's like Was that one of those sort of um back to basics Tory party um crime policies? I mean it's pretty uh I mean what if you're thirteen and you just want to buy some hubba bubba? Well it was on the w the shopkeeper would be able to emit the sound through ac for a button. It wasn't always on. They didn't have to stop teenagers buying sweets. Oh I thought it was always on. I thought I just imagined Uh like sort of groups of teenagers like holding their ears and sort of writhing around upside news agents in the areas. Yeah, but well whatever floats the boat. We've had a a tweet from Andrew Hadley. It says, I can separate pages of the newspaper without licking my finger first. But what is love? Quite useful, I guess you're just a sweaty man. Sweaty fingered man. I grubby handed son of the soil. And you know what? There's gonna be someone out there who's a big fan print media, Andrew. And he or she will fall in love with you. Yes, and then you'll find out about it. Now every week John and I take each other on, we compete. In a test of our knowledge, a battle of wits, where over five questions the winner gets to play the track of their choice. It's the tensest feature on the radio, is called Winner Plays On. Last week John lost. He was answering questions on Black Adder. I was answering questions on the Mod movement for the second week, so the third week for me. Uh John has decided to answer questions on the history of email. Yes, having uh been on email for some time now, I thought it was only fitting because you've got to be on email. Yeah. Absolutely. Toss a coin John and see who gets to go first. What do you want, Ellis? Um can funny gummy tails for whales. I'll have heads for Fred. It's Headsma Fred! I love it. If only uh I was as successful at Winner Plays On of Late as I have been selecting the right side of a coin. Um Ellis, I'm gonna ask you now five questions on the mod movement for you to play your chosen track, which is Blue Monday by the New Order. Starting now. Which mod icon posthumously received the Ivanovello Award in 1996? Steve Marriott. Oh I should have known that. Who was then known as the Queen of the Mods? Matthew McGowan. What was the Small Face's only number one single? Uh Itchiku Park. It's all or nothing. How much does the basic Harrington jacket currently retail for on clothing website Merck.com? 65 quid. It's 90 pounds. And finally, name three of Bradley Wiggins' top ten songs of all time. Uh oh she could have seen Paul Weller and the jam of the bands. Uh Uh Riverboat song correct. Riverboat. So I've got have I got a third of a point? No. Okay. Riverboat song In the City by the Jam. Correct. And Oh, supersonic by Oasis. Uh you could also have many other mod classics. So nearly, nearly a point there for Alice. Okay. I had to go deep because frankly it is thoroughly tedious thing to research. Well you're wrong, but never mind. I have not revised email at all. Oh, okay. Right. Five questions. Five questions on email. Now. Question one. Are you on email? Yes. Question two. Why are you on email? Uh, because you've got to be on email these days. You've got to be on email these days. Correct. Number three, when was Hotmail funded? Oh, 1992? 1996. When was the first email sent? 1962. 1971. Uh not correct. Correct. That was the only thing I read, because I knew that would be the first thing you asked. That's not true. When what does the E in email stand for? Electronics. What were your initial first two questions? You on email? Is that actually it? Yeah, yeah. Brilliant. Very funny. And then why are you on email? Because you've got to be on the email these days. You have it's true. So much business is done on email these days. Uh next up, uh a band who I'm sure are all on email. It's R-E-M, the wonderful imitation of life. Ellis James and John Robbins on XFM Podcast. R. E. M are a band I don't know enough about, but I know enough about them to know that that is an absolute anvil of a song. What a hammer blow. Uh folks, that was my track for winning winner plays on this week, Imitation of Life by R. E. M. Uh I beat Ellis, uh, on my knowledge of whether I'm on email or not. Uh against his uh knowledge of the mod movement. Which means Ellis needs to pick a new topic for next week. What's it gonna be? The history of S4C. Oh god Oh Ellis I've got stuff to do with my life. I've things I'm watching The Good Wife on Netflix. It's amazing. Yeah, you're gonna uh you gotta um research the history of Welsh language programming. Okay, I'll do it. We're gonna do it. Will most of the websites be in Welsh? I don't know. Does Google translate translate Welsh? Yes it does. And does it do it accurately? Enough. Okay, great. Remember to go easy, because it's my first week. Go easy. How can you go easy on the the what will be Very obscure topic. What do you what about? It's gonna be publicum based. Good. I used to watch the omnibus. Did you? Yeah, I mean up until about the year two thousand, yeah. Publicum. Until I went to university and then it'll start to get a little there if you know what I mean, 'cause I have time for five hours of publicum. What were you doing instead of university? Just like essays. Essays recovering from Hungovers. Okay, folks, so tune in next week to hear email take on S four C. That sounds like bad radio. Yes, sounds like it won't be compelling, but we will make it compelling. Um also do let us know if you are on email. Alice James and Sean Robbins podcast And now folks it's time for the regular feature where we solve listeners' problems. It's time for textual healing My girlfriend never put libs on anything. My dad lips women. I've got a mustache. I'm loath to shave it off. Are you in a relationship? With my mustache. Textual. Textual. That's right, it's Texture of Healing. We have a caller on line one. Caller is there? I am, hi. Hi, would you like to remain anonymous? Uh yes, please. Okay, so caller on line one. What's your problem? Well basically um my unity friends are arranging a city break for us all to catch up. And there's five of us, um alien income, so obviously you have to be a bit flexible. And uh we're going to tag. We've got an email group, um because we're all on email. And um I Are you on email at this? Yes, I am. You absolutely have to be these days. Everything's done on email. Anyway, can we on call it? I thought yeah. And they said we're gonna get a few apartment. I fine. The email came in with the uh the link to the apartment and uh I clicked on the link and I mean there's two a couple of issues, but it's I mean the first one was just it's a flat and it's outside it's outside Crag and it looked like a crime scene. Like it looked like we would be trafficked into Crag now and going uh And the second problem is that I noticed that there was just two rooms uh with two double beds and uh there are five of us going. Um so I came back and said, you know, there's two double beds, what's the issue here? Everyone was like, ah yeah, we just got you know budget, you know, save money, it's just a bed. I'm not having I am not having that. I'm a top printer. I don't mind. I love it. I'm going to compromise. I was willing to do single things I I thought I'd have to compromise and do like a twin a twin room. Um this I feel like I'm going sane because they don't seem to get it at all. So so one of those beds is gonna have to have three people in it. Yeah, and they said the budget that they're all walking to is seventy pounds for sixty. Well that'll be fine as long as they're gonna go to Prague when it's part of the Eastern Bloc in the past. I mean I understand that people, you know, wanna do things and save money in these difficult times, but if you're gonna go away Why ruin the trip? You might as well not go. Yes, although as I said, I am a topper and tailor. Sure. Yeah, but that's not a financial thing. You just find it comforting. Yes, that's true. So just to surmise, you are off on holiday and you are being forced to share rooms because the people are on a budget and your Uh y you would rather fork out a bit more. Have you thought about getting a separate sort of single studio on the same street, maybe via uh Airbnb or something like that? Or would they think you were then flashing the cash? Um I did well this th I did think about this, but I and that's what I what I was wondering with that was location. If I I feel like if I go next to them there's then a clear moment in n in the night where they see me going into a better place than that. Do you know what I would suggest? is uh I've top and tailed with a lot of men. I top and tailed with my friend Brahan who was incredibly hairy and I didn't enjoy it. I've top and tailed with XFM's Josh Wittercom, who's much less hairy than Brahman, and it was actually quite nice. So if you're gonna have to top and tail, and I think you're gonna have to Get the men to completely shave their bodies. Or find out in advance which is the smoothest man. Yeah. But for me it would be a snoring issue. I mean, how do you do that research? Ask one of them, because they've probably topped and tailed before. So maybe if you sort of ask them uh surreptitiously, hey, who's a bad snorer, and you can boxy that one. I thought I'd nailed it. I had to share a twin room with someone recently and uh I had specifically selected him because he was the only one of the group who didn't snore and it turns out he was having an asthma attack that lasted twenty four hours. So he was very wheezy. Anyway, um do let us know how it goes Man. It's a tough one. Just just just try and share with a shaved man. A shaved non-snorer. That's really helpful. Thank you. No problem. Thank you. Have a good time. Cheers, bye. James and Sean Robin Hotcon. That was the red hot chili peas with uh Which sounds like the sort of smack you'd get in a Thai restaurant. With uh the That's my favourite Robin society. That is like something you'd say to your auntie. Yeah. Not to the nation. Oh, they have they have things in Thailast. And the prom crackers are different. To be spicy. Folks, it is now time for Emo. You are one of the lucky ones who is ahead of the trend. You will be on email and you'll be able to Are you on email, Ellis? Yeah. It's gotta be so much business these days is on email. Uh we've had plenty of uh emails in to Saturday at xfm.co.uk David Beckan from Chicago says, missed the live show, uh, but just thought I should let you know that I'm on email in America. They're entire swaves of the country where much like the UK, you practically have to be for business. Absolutely couldn't agree with you more, David. Joel Murphy, EML say, I'm on email. Richard James Purden says, um, after listening to your latest podcast, I've decided to invest in electronic mail accounts. Stop. Whilst it is an unbridled pleasure to finally be on email and struggling with the etiquette, stop. I am also finding some of the lingo difficult, although I do feel I'm making progress. Stop. Please help with any tips you can think of, stop. Lol brackets, lots of love. Stop. I love our listeners. Tell me how we're after. Sam Wade emails in to say, my name's Sam. I must tell you that I'm a T E F L, a TEFL teacher, and have lived in China, Chile and Spain, they all have email. A message from uh uh Conrad Conrad Stroke. Great name. After hearing your you on email banter last week, it's not banter, mate, it's just good instruction for great business. Public service broadcasting. Uh me and a few friends decided it would be a great idea to use as a pickup line at the clubs. It was extremely unsuccessful as we had numerous females instantly turn away. I think that would be a great child line. Imagine going up to a girl on a n on a nightclub dance floor and saying, Hi. Are you on email? Yeah. I mean if you said love the dress, are you on email? That's a great chat up line. Nice blouse. Um a message from Jonathan. Seriously guys, I looked into it and there's no way you could get through a month without being on email these days. Buying anything from plemsals to posters of famous Hollywood stars. Great, that's an Alan Partridge line. You really need to get on email. Ellis, what email has uh got your attention? Well, this is from Nick. A couple of years ago I was listening to Chris Martin and Carl Donnelly's podcast and Ellis was a guest. This would be the beginning of the next few years of fandom. Undoubtedly the climax of the show was Ellis revisiting his youth by singing some beautiful Welsh hymn. But I can only compare to the opera scene in Shorshank Redemption. High praise indeed. And this was mesmerizing. So emotives it. This sounds like my autobiography. So mesmerizing, so emotivized. But I once went back to listen to that specific section. Please get Alice to sing again. It would go down an absolute storm and you could add a Grammy to your inevitable chortle ward. It could even be the beginning of a new feature. What was the Hemi sing singing give us a blast? I think it might have been Mavanoy. Um That was my grandma's name. Was it? Mavanui. But I might I might give him a little bit of uh um Sosponvar. Ma bean wetibasimya. Do you want the call us? No. Suspan Vaugh and better we are a ton. Suspan Vaughan Battle we are a town. Argah Switzer Joni Bach. And you just make that up, do you? No, I don't make that up. It's a traditional song about like jazz Welsh scat. No, it's about it's about the history of utensils and true. Amazing. If you like this podcast, why not check out some of the other great ones available to download at xfm.co.uk. XFM