Military Acumen and Final Verdict

Warning, this episode contains strong language. Genius, Genius, genius Yeah Hello, I'm Russell Caine. Imagine Madame Tords left a waxwk for Ronaldo slightly too close to a hot light bulb, and not even the hot Ronaldo, but the weird Brazilian one with the buck teeth from the Naughty. Welcome to Evil Genius, the show that takes famous figures from history and holds up their filthiest laundry for everyone to see and asks, Is that a skidmark or was he just a bit of a fascist? To be honest, it's often both, and although for balance, I have to say, my lefty friends tend to have more skitties due to their vegan diets and the friction of performative marching. We're not some high brrow poetry programe where we extemporise about the use of Scotch' dialect in the collective works of Robbie Burns. This isn't so much to a mouse as the kids film ratatoui, except the rat controlling my brain isn't an adorable soup loving sous chef, it's a sewer rat with a ponch on for warehouse raves. Let's go, double drop Remember, let the first one kick in for you by half of the second. Today's legend is the face that launched a thousand ships. although to be fair, her tits probably played a part too I'd like to thank my female producer for authoring that joke and name Katie Sayer. Please troll her feminists To some, she's a rightly reviled harlot. to others, she's the misunderstood Miss Peloponnese. It is of course Helen of Troy My panel today, Ola Labib, Ed, Hedges, and Lily Phillips, or as I like to call them, the Beib, Topery and porn It is the most bush like surname, Ed. So you're new to evvil genenius, welcome. Thank you for having me. It is a good surname, that. It's a strong surname. I like it. It not it doesn't roll off the tongue. There's too many e's and too many S's in there You can never have too many ees on your tongue, listen to the intro. have I done this before? This is my first time know? Really? Did I get a special sorry? Maybe it's because we've worked together I feel your presence instinctively, so welcome. Thank. And are you comfortable with pronouncing strong opinions over historical women on this occasion? Yeah, I like to do it mainly for women because I hate them Yes, good. Well, welcome to the club. An Olla, friend of the show. Have you been Ollie good? Well, I was telling the guys I have to be careful. The last time I did this show, I ended up in the Daily Mail also. Yeah. Yes. S about something going up the bum, wasn't it? God st was comm I was in the Daily Mail Okay I want anal penetration, Joke. I've one lady and one lady only. be Mola, she was a famously beautiful woman, Helen of Troy. Have you Subjectively, but yes. Yes, subjectively. Who was your first crush? Jay's the Red Ranger from Power Rangers. Really? Yeah, I look back and I don't really see it, but yeah, that's not something I'm proud of. You got his face, He doesn' unmas herself. he's not a power. He's just going into Morrisons with his full megazord. do they film that? an appropriate veil gag wasn't racially abused within the first place. Oh, you only like boys with veils on I. Oh I'm going be in the Daily Mail now. Wherever there's on there's a headline foollowing Always comedian Lily Phillips destroys herself with a racial jibe. I, I can't stand by anything I say. Head first crush? It was a kids entertainer from Butllands and I talked about her so much her name was Michkala I talked about her so much when I got home from Butlingss one day I came downstairs and my mum just went, Michala died in fire. No Yeah, She didn't though. No, she didn't. Oh My mum had no way of staying in contact with Mikala. She just said Ma that was a better way of. Yeah She told me Michala passed away because she didn't want me to talk about Michala anymore. Fire though. I talked about Michala a lot. I talked about Michaayla lot. if Miaela's listening right now Call me,. It's not the least Freudian story I've ever heard. A woman I like. She's dead. Only Mumy Only mommy loves. Only mother knows where she is now. for your bath time get married. Time for your bath time, Ed. I'll help you shave your chest. Is hot milk again, mother, and we can remember Michae Okay, So who was Helen of Troy? Helen of Troy was born, Helen of Sparta in the thirteenth or fourteenth century BCE. Mind you, she was so fit, M many called her Helen of Sparta But she wasn't born in a conventional way, which is Helen's dad It wasn't like Helen's dad desperately googling how long should a birth take while her mum takes a break from the gason air to shout at him for stopping a useless prick. No. She was hatched from an egg. Yeah, because her mum had an affair with a duck The story ofen I'll give half a point that. The story of Helen's conception isn't a pretty one, but it is quite famous. The most popular legend says that her real father was King of the gods Zeus. In order to seduce Princess Lada who was Queen of Sparta and Chewbacca's best friend, A. He morphed into a swan. very close. And whether she was into that or not, we can't be sure as different accounts have different suggestions as to the level of consent. too be fair, my wife has mentioned some strong feelings for that cartoon Robinhood fox. so who's to say Either way, Helen was the result, and having been born from an egg, she was raised by her mother in Sparta in the southern Peloponnese Peninsula on mainland Greece Part of the reason the story of Ladder and the Swan is so well known, this is fascinating, is because it's depicted so much in Renaissance art. You know why as a human woman sitting on an egg for nine months. Yeah, true. But why were they able to show this erotic scene between a swan and a woman so much more? It was Christianity was okay. Correct. No. Oh no way. You couldn't show men and women shagging in art, that would be considered straightforward porn, right? So the only way you could get your nudy buzz and paint boobies and twinkles was to say, oh, that's a god, naked it's a swwan piano. Yeah, exactly If you were painting a god, oh, that's fine. it's mythology. And and obviously it's a conception of a goddess. so if you show the swan, it's fine. So we're in this bizarre position Where a naked woman being shagged by a swan was more acceptable than a partially clothed person who existed being approached by a man in a letterous way.y a flock of swans going past that and looking at him. That's a gangbang. that would be worse. You' never be allowed back in a penzoo, would you? you imagine you can have a look Yeah, I w My first crush was just a deer. that even work What the swan? Yeah. Big wings, long neck. I mean do they ever be? You asking how one would go about romaning?ing a swan? No, the swan was doing the romancing. Oh, honking and probably. same way that they do it N mean was but he was, it was Zeus in disguise. so So he knew his way around. It does come up a rather disturbing image of a swan, but with a grown man's cockonballs dangling on it At least that's what I waked myself to sleep too last night I'm just imagineing there'sone like leaning up against a pub. Exactly ye. Just the proper neck and stellars and then sautering over. running over, surely. Is he even a comedian? let you off F guyll let you off. That would I would have sub you on then For John Bush or whoever your arch enemy is Jrubber Jason Jason S shrubbery. Now there's a comedian. Helen grew up prrincess of Sparta and was famously stunningly beautiful. So when it came for time to her to be married, which was probably around her mid teens, there was a lot of interest. Not only was she the most beautiful woman fourteen woman in the world, she was the princess of a major state and whoever married her would become king Imagine Meghganan Fox's dad was also the comedy commissioner for Sky. Which none of us want to laugh at because we all want the to juicy Skyw work Yeah SNL. There's my chanceces myself. I thought SNL was largely successful in quote. T to avoid war breaking out between the potential suitors. anyone who wanted to marry her had to agree that ome what may, he would fight any man that tried to take Heelen away from her e vventual husband. So if we all like fancicy the same girl. We all signed a pack whichever lad wins We'll defend her for the sake of the winning lad if anyone tries to rob her away. So it's like a sort of cuck agreement. but Helen chose Menelaus and they would go on to become King and quQueen of Sparta, but she also knew all the men she rejected are ready to stand to defend her. The more men she dicties, the more correct. The greater the army. Correct.art the victim blame Okay now hang on.' not victims. You know she'd already been kidnapped before this. Go on, Lily. That's all I know. But no by these two men that wanted to be with her but she had already been kidnapped. So let's just give her a break. So how did come back then? If they were dead, I think the LSD had probably worn off by that hadn't it. I' been kidnapped again. My boom fell out. a hot cock birth cock. What a disaster. She wasn't real, it's fine. But this is where the story gets more complex. As soon as Helen's soon to be second husband Paris enters the picture. Now a bit about Paris. In the liad he's presented as vain and shallow but very good looking. He has glistening love locks, while the other characters have sensible epithets to indicate their status. We have horse taming Hector, swift footed Achilles, and he's just fair haired. whichich is a bit like if we werere all being described by a narator and they was O of the Mighty, Ed the justust, Lillily the Wise and Russell the Botox L L said, I have quite a strong line in my forehead that was just for comedy purposes If you were going to have an epithet, what would it be? I used to get called Eddie Trip Avisor Why? Well, because when I was doing gigs overseas, I would never go out drinking with all the other comedians because I don't drink Welcome brother. Thank you. So I'd go out on day trips in the morning and they call me at Ely trip advisor. How could you actually enjoying the local? I was actually seeing the fils I'm enjoying the sight Tourist Wankers is my episode The Tourist Wanker. You stay in the hotel Googling yourself with a sense of self doubt. That is international gig protocol, is it not U episet ora Ola the Ebola and I think it's because it just rhymed Ola the Ebola. Yeah like strange the effect. Iang know, we say what we were nicknamed like as a gl.ould be No what would be your epithet? I was nicknamed Lillily the Willy because standard. I like that one though. Yeah Yeah. Okay. that. I thought they were so loud. Maybe we should come up with something else like that. I like it. Okay, that angle. cool I mean, at the moment, Litily, this is naotty That's where I'm at. Lly the Snot. Ss everyone. Sotills. Snot Lils? Lil Snot sounds like a How about a rarapper. Does it? Lil Snot Wit, if you were a rapper, your name would be Lil Lil. Oh ye L, That's really good. Two lils. Yeah like make Two ls. Make a liilltte When we meet Exactly Ecellent. When we meet him, Paris is good looking but a bit arrogant and probably quite dim. So how does this Hellenic Joey Essex win over the most beautiful woman in the world? Well, once again, it involves the gods. As Shakespeare would go on to put it in King Lear, as flies to wanton boys are we to gods. They kill us for their sport. Let me have another go at that And that's definitely true in Greek mythology. The Greek gods in the epic poems are basically like five year old girls with barbies. They just use mortals for their entertainment And that's how we come to the judgment of Paris, which sounds like an important historical document like the Treaty of Versaes, but it's basically an ancient Greek wet t shirt contest. It Three goddesses, Hera, Athena and Aphrodite decided to have a beauty contest and poor old Paris had to judge who was the most beautiful because he was considered one of the most beautiful men on earth. I mean how fucking Three people that could extinguish you with their thoughts going, Oh which is the prettiest To try and convince him to pick them, all three goddesses offered a bribe. Athena offered him the power of war, and Hera offered him dominion over a kingdom. but Aphrodite's bribe won because she promised him the most beautiful woman in the world, who is of course, ourur Helen, princess of Sparta Paris rocks up to Sparta to claim his goddess given prize, while Helen's first husband, Menelaus, is absent in Crete at his dad's funeral. D't move, bro. Hello Brocode cold as hard Cld as ice, Paris goes about seducing Helen and before you know it, the pair have eloped and are back in his hometown of Troy in now what is north western Turkey. And maybe that's where Paris went to get his locks installed in the first place. When he gets back home, Menelaus is less than impressed to discover that his misses has eloped with another bloke prenup, remember, all Helen's unsuccessful suitors now have to go to war to rescue her. They'd all agreed to join forces. The Cucks respected the bargain they'd made. And that's exactly what they did. A huge force commanded by Menelaus' older brother, Agamemnon, sailed across the Aegean to lay siege to the city of Troy. Helen's face had literally launched a thousand ships. You never get that now. It took us two weeks to send HMS Aragon, trging off to the Gulf If Helen of Troy was in modern Britain, she'd get a kayak at a stadterline ferry, which would be perfectly furnished like. The Trojan war lasted for ten years with the Greeks and the Trojans desperately fighting it out, eagerly spectated by the gods. The Greeks eventually triumphed when they used the famous wooden horse to get soldiers into the city of Troy to open the gates and let the rest of the army in Troy was ransacked, leaving few survivors. and you all know that story, right? Yeah They hidden. I' all seen Troy. they hidden inside. Well I knew William had dark hair I know. Maybe it wasn't historically accurate at that film. I don't know May maybe. It's quite refreshing toar a story from ancient Greece where hiding inside of a horse it doesn't literally mean jumping into a horse, Zeus getting behind it Exactly. It's really nice that. Also the army that launched that did the whole marching, you know, armies have like so like football crests have like ragon like the Wldfbotcrress has a dragon and Armiess had like pictures on their shields for the Cck arrmy. Do you think they just had like the Cck chair you get in the preremier room just in the corner of the room looking bed? picture of Helen. I' show you didn'. But one person who did survive was Helen. When he emerged from the Trojan horse, her husband Menelaus, remem ten years of fighting to get her back And he was going to track her down and kill her As he found her, she let her dress drop and the sight of her bare breast. my titza fora was enough. I'm covered in baby oil. Aarry on Grease. Oh God, please don't hurt me. I really fancy Ea. I'm suddenly in the mood. I know I said no, but He did have a little rereath it. I mean, after ten years, to be fair I mean, an ankle, I would have been motivated to peace They kissed and made up, essentially recoupled after Cassa and Mor, if you like, and headed back to Sparta where they lived happily ever after. Helen's final scene in the Odyssey sees her leading Menelaus off to the luxurious royal bed complete with luxurious royal purple sheets. She's remembered to this day as the most beautiful woman in the world and still has the power to captivate audiences The famous Burton Taylor production of Dr. Faustus has Helen of Troy appearing as the ultimate seductress, with Elizabeth Taylor silently crossing the stage, her beauty speaking more than words. the most ridiculous story I've ever heard live. I're so dumb They're so dumb. Let me get this straight. So this woman was with a man. She cheated on the man, ran away with another man and then a bunch of men that had a crush on her supported the cook He invaded and had a ten year war. He wanted to kill her because she was a slut. and then when he got there, he saw her and was like, alright then. Correct. And they got back together. I wish you'd written that. We couldn't saveself about twenty minutes y. S again, Lillily. Have you met her mom? these sluts in my head. Oh my penis is hard. I change all of my ideas. to have sex with this woman Insane to me. Okay. so here on evil Genius, we don't just introduce a subject, have a bit of a ding donong and then vote evil or genius. Each of my guests have an envelope in front of them which may well confirm some of the things O of us saying or they may present new surprising facts that challenge some of the emotions you're feeling Oa. So let's see who has envelope number one? Thank you Envelope one Lily. She ran off with another man sparking the decade long Trojan war. Basically the outrage of what you just said We know this. Yeah. So Rems have been written about Helen of Troy, but one theme has been consistent sex There was a Byzantine sex manual supposedly written by one of our handmaidens. An early Christian heretics who believed in free love had a figurehead who was believed to be a reincarnation of Helen. Revered as a demigod, mothers would take their daughters to statues of Helen and leave them there overnight in the hope it would make them beautiful. You'd beutted, wouldn't you if like two of your sisters would take to the statue and you got to stay at home and you were like, am I? You're fine, darling. And then am I going mummy? two nights youing up. I've got you a week long stay all incusive Yeah I actually keep a framed picture of Russell Howard just over my desk for the same reason But mostly when it comes to Helen of Troyan seex, the tone is judgy. Ancient Greek playwright Euripides called her a lustful whore. Shakespeare reckoned she was a trumpet, and for the German writer Schiller, Helen was a Prictes. Her body parts were denounced as being evil, her legs, her neck, even her internal organs. and in the twelfth century theologians condemned her for the unforgivable sin of going on top She was rumored in these books to like being like cowgirl basically. And that's not allowed. It was sinful. It was considered too powerful for a woman to cowgir it. Yeah. G cardio though, ladies. they must have been liveered with pegging. Does she deserve all the grief she got for being gorgeous and sexy? Well, she did run off with Paris, leaving her husband, her parents and her young daughter Hermione behind She did it while her husband was at his dad's funeral and presumably she knew that if she left the vast armies of all those disappointed suitors would be mustered to get her back. So Ed, is there anything you would put in a pre n up or want to warn the other party about head of marriage I reckon my preup would be something sneaky. It'd be like a game to watch play out. like I'd have in my preup. And I wouldn't reference it. I'd have like you're forbidden from telling them where I've hid the treasure And then every time my wife was like, What treasure? I'd be like, I can't tell you. And at the end, like one of my death bed I'd be like the treasure was the friends who made along the way.. I like that. It's really passive. You just get to watch and look r the house for where it is for clues and then you can Everyone be really nice to you. Everyone be really nice. E really rich. Exactly Every Easter egg, your wife is also in the garden looking for the eggs, just looking for shiny eggs. you've hidden. A you single? I am not single That is amazing. Lily f games tryrying games to make the I think. Everyone checking on Ed. The secreters who use abuse. She's coming out of the priory in a few days because she had a breakdown. She's crying again, weak. Lily, anything you'd put in her a pre nut would you want Wn about yourself ahead of marriage? I'll never answer my phone That's it. Stop trying to call me, everyone, all of you. okay? I just don't like talking on the phone and I feel like I have to defend that so much. What even if to a partner? I really like it Just send a voice note or text or something or like Oa gone. I don't think I'd have anything in my prenub I like I'm perfect. Yeah, yeah. I think I got married when I was broke, so I don't have I don't have anything to protect to be honest. Isn't that a good thing though? I suppose so. Isn't that a little bit romantic? Yeah, it is, but ultimately you will lose everything and be taken advantage of Thanks to that preer. The other suitors were indeed mustered to get her back and the Trojan War cost thousands of lives, hby number two. Paris, the hair obsessed egotist, died. his brave older brother Hector died, his elderly father King Priam died. On the Greek side, Achilles died, shot by an arrow in his famously weak You Correct. expecting that It's like a choir movie. Troy was besieged and burnt to the ground. And it's a big butt, calm down Kim K. It's not clear whether she fell at the feet of the supposedly gorgeous Paris or was abducted by him. So come on, you can't blame someone who's abducted Ol her Come on, come on. There's two sides to every story. What's the abductor's story? I neverever thought I'd hear that come out of your mouth. Aphrodite put a spell on her to fall in love with her. Oh Orlando B. I want to know what this spell was. The Gods equivalent of a hypnol Yeah. let have a look then. Rragodnol was the original. putgnol in your drink. In some versions of the story, he gets a helping hand from the goddess Avrdite who cast a spell on Helen to make her fall in love with him. This is what you were hinting at, Rer. Yeah. And you know, what chance would a mere mortal have against that nun? said the ancient Greek poetess Sappho.ave all heard of Sappho, famous Never in my entire life. Sapphoc is a synonym for lesbian Sapphoc. She's like a sort of a gay female figure in ancient Greece. Sapphic literature would be gay female literature, for example So the ancient Greek poetist Sappho did write about Helen For her, she wasn't a passive porn. She was a woman who fell in love, no coercion, no spells. And for Sappho, that was the greatest beauty Eth can offer. She said that before having a flick so vigorously, she was hospitalised and treated by Eillus.. So according to Sappho she was a willing participant, but how feminine is that Saho's like' a willing participant and fuck Yeah, she willingly took her own power. How much of a participant could a woman be in anything they did in when was it? fourourteen something? before then? Aes ago. Like even it wasn't in the eighties, my space was I was born. It doesn't matter it's all the same the past. She even if she did fall in love, like it wasn't her choice put her on the boat. Like you can't do anything. All she had was her tits. True. Do you know what I mean? Y. What's the most said yes? My brain width about your bin no? My brain width suggest, no, suggest, no, suggest no, read. read, read, read. And what's the most extreme thing you've ever done for love? Any anyone done anything extreme for love? I flew to a different country to meet someone whichich I don't know well, Sudan Yeah, I flew there. First dates was it was like Sudanese Fred Syriac there. You What would he look like? No he was actually my husband. I was a massive fan and I flew A fan. What do you mean? So he was a musician. I used to follow. Oh my Godd, you stalked someone into marriage. Well, I didn't use the word stalk. I used the word follow. Stalk. Anyways. and then yeah, so I knew he was performing there and I flew out. This is why you're siding with the abductors. Did he know Did he know you beforehand? No, no, no. Wait a minute. so you just plunked yourself in in the front row and got your man. I got VIP tickets, yeah And how did you I could get VIP tickets for Tayor Swift. but I took one step towards where I'd be tasered. So how did you manember that? There wasn't enough electricity to was in Sedan so there was no tasers so. No no, it wasn't a massive crowd, like maybe three hundred people It's still impressive. that you can go I fancy this musician, I'm gonna to get VP tickets and I'm going to marry him, and it happens. Well I didn't do I didn't propose to him, did I? I just had to like What was your opening line? Do I know you from somewhere I'll let go if he say I I've met you before. Yeah, I swear that was my opening line.. Did you get in the VIP area with him? Is that how? Yeah Like a group of us did. there's people bought VIP ticket. Look guys, I've got a book coming out in July the fourull story didn't I did not know that. I did you not know that? I didn't know that. I mean good luck beating that guys. Illa stalk to pop star. A use the word stalk very lightly now gettingting a plane to watch someone lie, the is then pretending you bumped into then marrying them. You had the entire plan. You forced him to marry me. Problematic.. force me girls. I'm herear in compromiseed consent Iign him. Ed Gone, you're not gonna to be that. I have a try. So I was doing this gig in the Sedan but now I've playing my guitar. Anyway, we've been married years What is my wife? No, nothing like that. Pb either just like Pizzer Express or Well, that can be quite extreme out the mouth of the right speaker Um, no nowhere near Lily, come on. I was just going to be silly and take anal, but That now we've hadard these really romantic slash scorkeries I think I should change it. carry.' tell happen next. Just finish that story. We might need any other condensations. then happens. Childbirth? Childbirth. That'll do it.ion Yeah thanks for that. You were saying that was how you won the eyes of your pro. That's what I've done for love. Watch me give birth. I' a din. got powerful eyes. It's not your baby, but you could be. It be first Wow, Okaykay. So envelope number two, who has it? Told me, Sorry She was emotionally intelligent, self aware and not the selfish harlot. made out to be. You didn't like reading that, did you In the liad, Homer does portray her as a woman eaten up with guilt and regret when she is in Troy, both at the war, unfolding around her and at the abandonment of her husband and child When we first meet Helen in the Iliad, she's weaving cloth showing the suffering of the Greeks and the Trojans. and in a later scene she calls herself Minded evil slut. How weird. You echoed was right. Echoed our own words. If call you cold minded evil slut enough, then you start to believe it, don't you? When Nothing hass changed. This is just inststagram. If they say it to me enough, I open my special cupboard with the leather in. G on, you cold minded evil slut. Iook get the toys out When you say it yourself as well, It's kind of like a boss bititch move,n't it? It She's really I'm a bad. Yeah is it? I'm a cold hearted slu. I'm a cold evil minded slu I think nowadays that's kind of a compliment. Yeah. She even said that she wishes she'd been killed as a baby. Oh damn. Okay ye that's a bit mod. A little bit emo romance. Does she lock herself in room after saying that? Absolutely. King Priam, who is king of Troy and the father of her new husband Paris, tells her that he doesn't blame her for the war, he blames the gods. So I suppose it's a panel where we're gonna have to decide whether she was slightly bewitched. It's highly likely because Aphrodite faked to winning the beauty competition, right? And she said the prize was Helen. but the only way she could that Helen is definitely going to be the prize is if she's manipulated Helen's will, obviously. right So you're going to have to concede that one, Wella. You're going to have to. otherwise we're going tie ourselves in knots. Her brother in law, Hector similarly suggests it is the vain and stupid Paris who is more to blame And when Helen is lamenting her guilt at having caused the war, she thanks Hector for everything he's done for her sake Hector thanks her for her kindness, but says the only way she can help is to hurry Paris up as he has not yet come down to fight for the day . Well, I'm with Paris, it does take me a couple of hours. You know, if the hair's not right. it can take a while and quite a lot of hair gel. Helen also criticizes Paris who hasn't a brain in his head. It is Essex, isn't it? It just is After Hector's death, it is Helen who gives the last lament, saying that he was dearest to me of all my Trojan brothers. I never heard a single harsh or spiteful word from you So these tears of sorrow I shred are both for you and for my luckless self No one else is left who treats me kindly Kellen, you did start off well, but then you ended up making it about yourself at the end after he died. Far from being a self centered egom maniac, Homer presents Helen as emotionally aware but isolated, torn apart by guilt. And there's another version of the story taken up by Euripides and others in which Helen isn't even in Troy. Instead she spends the entire duration of the war in Egypt And the goddess Hera sends like a phantom ghost version of Helen, which evaporates when the war is done, sort of like the abber voyage of ike like you were all fighting over nothing. Yeah You silly men. Exactly. Yeah, goodness. I like that. I like that one too. Envelope number three. They Juggling with it So much more than an extremely pretty face, she was often sharper than many of the men around her. The most well known story from the Trojan War is the Trojan horse. A giant wooden horse Given to the Trojans by the Greeks as a gift, but secretly filled to the rafters with Greek soldiers. History's second worst present after the drumk ket my mum gave to my daughter for Christmas. The warrior Odessseus came up with the idea to park a huge wooden horse packed with soldiers outside the gates of Troy, pretending it was an offering to Athena, the goddess of war Meanwhile, the bulk of the Greek army sailed away, giving the impression that after ten years of fighting, the war was over Trojans fell for it, hook line and sinker, flinging open the gates and rolling the giant horse right into the city. To be fair, I also love a bit of merch. If Netflix had left a horse outside my house, I'd have rolled that shit right in. only for Louis Thou and HS Tiki Toy to burst out of it and occupy my lounge. But there was one person who saw right through it Helen, she was so suspicious. You you know what she did? She went up to the horse and mimicked the voices of the wives of the soldiers she believed to be inside I really miss you Garet? outside only I can give you a hand job right now. trying to trick them. She didn't get to complete the experiment and none of the warriors were tempted. and of course famously they opened they opened the horse and they opened the gates from the inside. Greek soldiers that double back all piled back in and banged. Troy was gone almost in twenty four hours. i she could have saved the day If she'd have been allowed to finish her experiment mimicking the wives's voices, maybe one of them would have fallen for it and going Yeahah, two sugars, please. Anyone Would you I feel like you got to be pretty thick to fall for a giant object that could easily have people inside it. Especially when they've been at war for ten years and then they're like, o, we'll just go now. Do would anyone b you for that But it's like did they not Did they not know where it came from? Did they think it was like They said the Greeks said, We give up and here is an offering to Athena, goddess of war to get us home safely and a horse was a giant hollow wooden horse. The gods were just a scapegoat for everything. I think we are way, way too. We're not thinking about it. Imagine being alive in that time. You've never seen anything other than like. There's no shop. You front, there's no shops, theres no there's nothing interesting. And you see a massive horse. You're not going to question it. You could be like, Ohh,'s a massive horse. You you' really excited for the giant horse. You've seen them sail away as well. I' like sail away. they've gone. They've enyred right out of there. C can't afford that, dont know why I sungg it. O, you're looking a bit super silly as's no offense to this episode. It's a great episode. It's like Donald Trump. N Gone. It was a great episode. It was really nice talking to everybody, It's just so ridiculous. I think I've used the word ridiculous too many times. Are you saying you wouldn't fall for a giant hollow hall? Those of adults fall for fake birthday cakes and someone jumps out and they theirre surprise. What's the difference? you kind of expect a giant cake Like a giant one for someone, like a strip or something. Yeah. I think they do think that someone's going to come out. they just don't know who it is. Well, I was expecting a stripper to jump out, not a loved one surprise holding a guitar with his knob on it probably I'm going. Oh Dar be. Anyway, that's not the only example of being clever. Yeah, that's not the only example of Helen showing military acumen. Book three of the liad sees Helen standing with the army on the battlements, helping King Priam identify soldiers from the opposing side Along with their reputation. So she's like, that's Gary. He's really good with the sword, but he's got a limp. That's blahah. So she was pointing out all the known generals and all their faults and what they were good at and what to look out for. How does she know all of this informationy word? You say she bang them. Well yeah, how would you know that much information her eyes? Oh yeah, that's what they all say She's a liive with of them all. I I think there's a bit of guilty mind suspecting become projecting Russell?omeone who chased Dick across two continents. they were good at hitting the drums or something. You need to pipe down. She may have been beautiful, but she was also very clever, trusted by the soldiers and her adopted second family. And bear in mind we're still in BCE. women aren't getting the vote for literally thousand years And here's Helen helping advise on strategy, although admittedly for a war, she sort of started. But yonder comes the Trojan trumpet. and as they say, beware Greeks bearing gifts or in this case, beware the Essex man telling you it's time to get voting. We have to vote. Well, evil or genius. That's the way it goes. It always goes this way And as it's your first time Eed, I'm going to leg you off the hook, you won't have to cast the deciding vote or anything Go with the gut, Helen of Troy evil or genius. Sound genius. I think genius Because she's a revolutionary, right? She She did She did so much before anyone. There are so many points that make her great and she's got the burden of being like super hot Like in those days. Objectively Well no, because she's got a Cck army. Cuck army Cuck army fuck I didn cuck army. I think to have a Cck army, you' got to be so Cuck army it's too funny. Ironically like that football team would mainly watch. Probably. yet U I think to be hot enough to get a cuck army, that's an enormous amount of pressure in the days where you essentially stink. Everyone stinks. I think we forget that as well. Back in those days you for then n and clean. She's hot up close even though you can smell the radiating BO coming off of her head. How great her boobs were. No toilet paper, I don't want to make it gross, but it's not for some of us That I mean on the Napoleon episode of Eil Jenes advise you to listen to. When he was heading home to Josephin, he'd finally finished the battle, he sent a letter saying, I'll be home in three days, please don't wash Oh I'm just saying let's not kink shame guys he would have loved being a troy wouldn't? He would' have loved it. So that's one boat for genius. Lillily here, Phillips, evil or genius? I mean, I think genenius is a bit far like she had a brain and she said some interesting stuff. but she's definitely not evil, so I have to say she's a genius. That's two for genius the least surprising person in theide. So Ola Aib, we know it's going to be genius, but will it be unanimously or will there be some fly in this ancient ointment with your judgment? Well, I'm going to take Lily's argument and flip it. She's not a genius good manipulator, but that's a form of genius. so I'm going go with It can be a form of evil as well. We've seen some real arch manipulators over the series of evil genius. Thank you for helping me confirm my decision she's evil. Okay, evil. She's a manipulating S word. Thank you very much to my guests, Ed Hedges, Oa Bee and Lily Phillips. Helen of Troy is Genius! If you want to be notified as soon as new episodes drop, make sure you're subscribed to Evil Genius on BBC Sounds and have push notifications turned on so you can choose Evil Genius above every other podcast on BBC Sounds. And those cucks, Danny Robbins and Greg Jenner will have to battle it out to defend my honor. that reminds me I must post that wooden great Dane to Greg's countountry pile It's full of dick Political language can seem archaic. It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. sometometimes bamboosly. It's a theme park with a five foot log flume from one thought to another. And very often beyond words. I don't know how to describe the language that use. I'm amadinuchi. I'm all reset and turbble charged to stress, test to destruction used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them, and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of strrong Message here with me Amanda Y Unuchi from BBC Radio four. Listen now on BBC Sounds