The Death and Deification of Claudius

Welcome back to Fingersistusory h. I'm joined by Horatio Grug . This is part two of the Claudius story . We're back in ancient Rome . Now we left off with a quivering disabled man who'd been flung from behind the curtain , as Caligula lay dead on the floor, his baby had been taken off the stumps. Yes . And he is made emperor by the Praetorian Guard . Much chevalen suredprise. Yeah . And this is where now Claudius Truthers , Claudius conspiracy theorists say that he had a part in Caligula's demise. Well, we have no idea what happened sequentially in this event because it sort of reads a bit like a myth, right? You don't we don't know if how much is true. All we seemingly do know is that he bribed the Praetorian guard loads and loads of money. But he had cash ready to go. Yeah , which implies that he was in on a plan. Yeah to murder Caligula. The disabled Noncei uncle. Yeah, he's not noncei. He's not Nonzi. We got to give him his his dutes. He's actually a cuck hold. He's a nonce cuck. Now that is a combination of the very, very rare . I want to watch you commit paedophilia. Yeah, it means Is that what it is? Who are you here to watch me ? You watching me meet someone here . That's just a fascinating comp. The Nonce cook. Wow. You here to watch me? You here to watch me someone , let me let me meet someone in peace. That's correct. If you're a nonce cook, let us know in the comments. I've not even heard of that concept. Cuck. Can you get different pictures of different cuck seating arrangements? Because it's one of my favorite things on Twitter is in like new hotels or like hotel rooms where you find different like the cut command center in the cut command center. Yeah. So there's always the classic where you put your feet up but that's a bit more to measurely. Yeah. Yeah, this one's great. This one's great where you can . So that's that means that you can get also yeah that means that you're t aking it very seriously. An executive cook chair . Yes. Well, that's when you've got business to do whilst being cook holdered . And that's part of the great thing about being a cook is that it does open up time for you to get on with other things . Exactly. Yeah. I don't have to , you know, my wife is being satisfied . And I'm being satisfied watching it, but at the meantime, I'm dealing with my emails . As we've said before , the female equivalent is a Caquin. I can't remember what part of this we came up with, what episode this was on. I guess that doesn't get talked is the wife of an adulterous husband , the gender opposite of a cuckhold . I guess because the cuck when it's a man it attacks your masculinity gender it's very gender the notion of the cuck as but a cuck queen it doesn't feel to attack someone's femininity because it's almost built in femininity you're getting cheated on or like do you know what? It doesn't seem to be an attack on your gender cuckholded if you're a woman compared to if you're a man. But I guess if you're being cuckholded as a man, what is that doing to the woman? It's kind of irrelevant almost, isn't it? The woman 's all about the murderers. Woman's a prop. Your what is it Charlie? But in cuqueing, the male is known as the hot husband and the other female is known as the cupcake. Cut cake? The cupcake . Yeah, still pretty objectifying. I think it's kind of cleaning is often known. Wait, hot husband is that like hot desking? I guess it is actually . Yeah. I'm hot husbanding. You're renting out your husband. Yeah . Four cupcakes. Cut cakes. Cupcakes is a strange . It's too close to cupcakes, which is a child's cake. Yeah. Let's be honest. Cut the cake. Cut cake. We're not talking about that. We're talking about one of the great cooks of all time. One of the great cooks of all time. The Cloat, he was the cookcoat . He was not a noncecock. No, but that has wetted my appetites to try and see if such a man exists. Charlie, little task for this episode. Find me an example if one exists of a nonce kuck. Yes. Anyway, Claudius bribes the Praetorian Guards straight away. Who make him emperor straight away? So there's clearly some kind of arrangement . And so he gives them fifteen thousand sesters. What's that in modern money? I don't give it Charlie's looking for a noncarter. Okay, we can't, we don't know. I think at one point we found out it was pretty much equivalent to pounds, but I think that's I doubt that. Thats follow . He the first thing he does as emperor is and I devastatingly says he invades Britain. Yes . He conquered he yes, he conquers Britain. He is , you know, the whole store when we're at school and we learned about the Romans in Britain, it's Claudius. Yeah. He's our enemy. For sure. But the reason why he does it is because he's got an insecure route to power . His lineage is a bit wishy washy, he's a loser who draws and laughs inappropriately. He wants he knows. He wants to open his kind of tenure with a big alpha male win. Yes and he depicts himself in pictures as a sort of rapist . There's like seen this. There's like posters of what would be of him of like Britannia as this woman who's trying to get away from him and he's raping her. But then politically that was seen as like a brilliant thing . That was seen as like a cool that's like that's good PR. Well, again, this, you know, this is the opposite of today as you said and that rape is a positive PR brilliant you, know, but he's not he's not anywhere near he couldn't rape a fucking fly. Yeah, in the days Claudius raping Britain. Where's oh right? See nowadays you know nowadays that's funny Funny these days . These days, that's nowadays except Claudius is Cedi Kharm. Yeah . Raping London . Right? With gang bannock banging London with a series of emissions policies . Anyway No, but nowadays obviously any public figure is, you know , has PR teams to try and distance themselves from a hint of rape Yeah.. You don't want to hint. It's not a politician with a hint of rape. You really don't want any of that. Enter this brave salmon coming upstream . Oh no, I can I rape. I'm a rapist. Vote for me . Maybe it will work. It's his English party . Yeah, he's using rape as a propaganda tool. It's extraordinary. Actually extraordinary. I mean, we're barely ten minutes in the concepts we've uncovered Nonce Cuckery, rapers are positive . It implies that there would be like a debate politicians' debate when you're going for power and everyone's saying, We're not a rapist, no, I'm a rapist. No, I'm not rapid. I'm the rapist. I'm much more of a rapist than him. No, look at my manifesto. I will rape He's saying that his lies. You'll get into power. It's ultimate. He will disappoint you. He's all mouth and no trousers. And I mean that. The trousers are staying on . So yes, he paints himself as a rapist and Britain is his victim. And Romans like this. Yeah . It's a different time . So let's get into the conquest of Britain. Okay. So So he and at this point the Roman Empire was Gaul is under Rome. Imagine was Julius Caesar. Yes, of course. Caesar conquered the Gauls. Yeah. Germanicus done Germany. Mother had done Germany . So the next stage is to go into Britain. Now Britain at this point, Britain is a complete backwater. Yeah, it's crap. Yes, it's the north. It's unmet it's crap. Yeah . It's north of Oxford and Cambridge is what the whole of the country is based . Yeah, yeah. We're in the toilet . But for that golden era from you'd say eighteen fifteenth to nineteen forty five, yeah, we have mainly been in the toilet . You must not forget that we had an hour in the sun , but really we're stinky toilet dwellers for most of the time . But the reason they attack Britain is well is because it's it not's not that important a country for anything. It doesn't have many resources. It has a couple of pearls, a bit of tin. That's kind of it. They're doing it because it's terrifying fish . Yeah, yeah, a bit of fish. But they're doing it because it's terrifying and you can gain a lot of honor by conquering. It's basically the way they write about Britain in the Roman Empire is the way that the British wrote about the Congo as this sort of like exotic wild place they used to write heart of darkness. It's genuine. Britain is heart of darkness. Genuinely . And in the heart of Darkness, it opens when they're leaving Gravesend on the boat because it's going from one mouth of the river to the other mouth of the river. Yes. He talks about the same of the Romans coming into the Thames. Oh, I think he really makes that link. So very much. People in Rome are hearing of sort of this jungle of Essex. Yeah, you know. Surrey. Kent Shivers go down the spine . You know, this hot, moist , yes, scary place. Dengue fields. Semi detached new builds. Shuddering . Have you had your jabs? Are you going to suffolk? You know ? So the invasion begins in forty three placed, we haven't placed yet. Forty three AD It is well it's ten years after the death of Christ . And then it's before the first time . It's before biscuits become part of the Christian church. Before Jesus Christ superstar? Yes, that's nice. Yep. It's ten years after Christ dies and you'd say when Jesus Christ superstar, we have to check first. I think it's the seventies because it wasn't in that small window after he died and forty three CE. I'm sure of it. Jesus Christ superstar, I'm pretty sure the original is over seventies. Right so that's a long, a long wide birth. nineteen seventy three. Yeah, that's a lovely cushioning actually. So yeah, it's ten years after Jesus was crucified and it is one four hundred and forty years before the first performance of Jesus Christ superstar. That's how long it took for the story of Jesus to become a gay musical Okay, which I think is a good enough time. Yeah. How long will it take for the story of Mohammed? The Shepherd of Jesus Christ superstar? Well, we're not in this great scheme of things, we're not that far off. Really? Only, yeah, really? Well, well, I'm just saying we didn't get a close . We didn't really. Really? I think we're about five hundred years off. Right. Mohammed's superstar Mohammed's super Mohammed superstar. Type in Prophet Mohammad superstar, I want to see if there's any short lived productions because they would be short lived. They would be. It's not a long running. The author of the playwright would be quite short lived as well . Prophet Mohammed . Yeah, definitely a more controversial but better prominently experience in the Prophet Muhammad superstar . Yeah, it's a good question. Phoebe recently just asked how tough would auditions be for Mohammed? I mean they'd be closed. They would be behind closed doors. I'd say that they would not be open . You could do some creative stages. A lot of silhouette. It's not X factor. Yes, shadow puppets, I'd say, probably . I saw a production of his dark materials where they had lots of shadow puppets where it's not what I call the Quran. Don't chop our heads off. Please please we're trying. Okay ? I'd love to go to Mecca if I was allowed. Yes. I'm not allowed apparently. Apparently apparently these days but don't worry Mecca's coming to London so it doesn't matter. Yeah, open my door and I'm in Mecca nowadays. Open my front door . Right. Anyway, let's go back to it. It's the first conquest of Britain before the Islamic Empire, which we are under now , which is the Roman conquest of Britain in the year forty three . So Claudius sends forty thousand soldiers across the English channel. Well , you're not reading the paper . This has happened a thousand years ago. Hello, I'm Dorian Alinsky from Origin Story. And I'm Ian Dunn. We're the host of a podcast that tries to tell the truth about the political terms that we use today. None of the tribal bullshit, none of the rationality, none of the hysteria , just accuracy and laughs as we try to understand the world around us. We dig into history to tell stories that explain why we are where we are today . And we're very excited that we get to do this on stage as well and, soon we would be doing it at our biggest ever live show. Yeah, on september first in the Union Chapel, London, come join us there for a night of laughs, maybe a few tears, and just a general feeling of moral vindication. There's a link to my tickets in the show note, and the good news is if you're a patreon, you get a fairly substantial discount. So if you've been thinking of signing up, now's a good time. We'll see you then. And they're led by Aullus Plautius . They Romans, you know, I mean we fold like a you know house of guards really because we're all just very thick and ugly and smooth we're wearing rags and we're like the trolls and frozen, you know, we're just little people with wide heads. So I think that they're terrified because we look mental. We're a gagger at this point. We are the things that shock the Romans about us, they think are completely barbaric is Oga Boga. Oga fucking boga. What can Stacey do Stacy Stoolus? Stacy Stoolus. Yeah. Essex . Oga boga. Oh , Pete Wicks , you matched me off me off. That's how they sound, you know. The things that are completely barbaric about us, the Romans is we wear trousers. They've never seen trousers before. The Romans but that's yeah, they're wearing skirts, of course. They're wearing skirts and they're saying who are fascisty skirts? We're free. Fairies wearing trousers. These gay boys wearing trousers because that's like it's a ancient Britain thing to wear trousers. Pajama bottoms, basically. Is it? And then also a trouser this is old. Let's check ancient Britain trousers. It feels like quite a rare thing . And then we have blue tattoos, blue hair. We all look like the white brigade to be honest. six hundred BC. Wow. Trousers are very old. Ancient Britons. Yeah . And then mustaches . We all have the ancient British mustache. Really? They don't have moustaches. They saw that it was very unmanned. They were quite clean shaven in the Romes. Well, there's the ancient Greek beard which is without the moustache. Yes. And I then guess we' there opposite. Britain's moustaches. Britain's have moustaches. They used to bleach their I mean, that's still happening in Essex now. They used to bleach their hair a bit. you know what? Because I've always struggled to feel connected to Britain in this day in this time we're talking about. Why? Pre Roman. Pre Norman, premium. Pre Norman. Yeah . Well, pre Nelson. Yeah, let's be honest. But the idea that we had moustaches and we're wearing the trousers. Yeah when the Romans invaded. Yeah. Suddenly I feel slightly more connected to yeah, you know? A bruin. Anyway, so they were sick and ugly people for sure. No, we haven't changed that much, I suppose now the Romans quickly gain control of Southeast England. The D anding Beach is the Romans. Yeah. Margate. Yeah . What else? Fucking I don't know Burgess Hill. Witchable Burgess Hill, these names that echo down the centuries , you know, these slaughter sites . Claudius wants the conquest to finish quickly. Yeah. He goes to Britain himself. Whivlsfield, Plumpton. Say their names . He arrives on the front at the Thames with a herd of war elephants to begin the final march on Colchester. I think this is a good time to do a soundscape of the elephant herd. The elephant arriving in Colchester, okay? Oh my father. Oh , oh my god, what did we take them? Take them . Take them George , Oga Bogat, excuse me. All right, oh my day. There's one there's one floor. Is that fuckin' fuck is that? Is that like a fucking big dog? Bigger on the mouth . Now you jump on him . What? Take him . You try to make it rapy again, yeah? You're always trying to make a sound skills rapid . I thought I was safe for the elephant because I knew it was gonna happen. No, but then Charlie was right. Ronnie, you're right. You raped Weinstein stuff from behind. I don't want to keep doing these soundscapes. It's always the same thing. Yeah . But normally he rapes you . Right. It's a great subversion on the form. So elephant storm Colchester. I mean, you know, they're still doing that. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been there on a Saturday night. It's Colchester. Good lord. Is it a good town? No , no. I'm on tour there. Am I? Don't know, maybe I'm not. Colchester Arts Centre, shout out. That's a good venue. Not a good venue. Colchester Arts Centre. I thought they were swimming the art centre for me. Right. With his behind the tech box? Some real clauses on the decks . There's a few emperor Clauduses working in the Corpus Art Centre . It's a church, it's an off the curve gig and yeah, no, it's not my favourite also the car park situation is atrocious and the cities have been. Anyway, what is it Charlie Hood? There's no public records of Peter Peto Cucks. But I think Peter Bandelson probably was one to be honest. Beeter Bandalsom say his name. Say his name. Beeter Bandalsen. The nonce cuck. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's the first time for everything There will have been some. Yes, but they haven't put the word out. Sure . Yes, I guess very humble the nonce cook. Well, it is, it's a strange fetish to want someone else . Is it worse? To assault a child and to for to you feel cuck old about it. Yeah. Is it worse? Is it worse? I don't think it is worse. I don't think it is. There's nothing more fucked about it. Yeah . It's certainly death down the line. Eh? It's certainly harder to get your head around . It's more terrifying complicated concept . Yeah. Now I suppose we shouldn't think about it too much . Listen, Colchester is pillaged. Eleven tribes surrendered to Claudius, and a culture deserve that is then called Camelodenum . It's the first Roman capital in Britain. Oh yeah . And so Claudius is then given the title, Britannicus , which does not mean encyclopedia at this point . It means conqueror of Britain . So Britain has fallen , Colchester has fallen . There are elephants parading the streets of Colchester . And Claudus then starts carrying on. He goes, The King of Judea dies in forty four. Was he the king of Judea when Jesus died? I guess so now is Judea, is that Israel? Yes on the map? Where is Judea? Charlie, give us a map of ancient Judea because this is probably where Israel will be in the next hundred years, I imagine. Right . I think it's there . And then this is this would be this would be King Herod. Okay, so it's a small section away from the coast but between the river from the river, not the sea . So it's Jerusalem is in that . It's sort of just bordering I'd say modern day Gaza, you'd say. But it's interesting here not to get too political. The kingdom of Israel is a kingdom, but that kingdom does not stretch into Jerusalem or Judea or the kingdom, the Philistine kingdom. Yeah, which is where Gaza is. And I imagine Palestine comes from Philistine. Does it? Well, it seems you pray Philistine . Well, it's interesting that Philistine becomes a slur . Yes. It's just someone who doesn't read. Is Palestine from Philistine . Very this is fascinating. This is good stuff. But it is interesting for the territorial claims of Israel that even in their five thousand year old claims, they are northern , what is that region ever? You know, Judea is still not yes. Wow. That's fascinating. So it's pro Philistine. Free the people who can't don't read. Yes. Now, what does Philistine mean? It does sort of just mean idiot, I believe. I think he's uncultured,'t it is?n P whoerson host'sile or indifferent to art culture in intellectual pursuits . A big hostile to art is quite funny. Well, I am a Philistine. Yeah . I am pro Philistine. I am actually hostile to art. So yeah, free Philistine is get me out of this play. Yes . So you're free Philistine. I will bomb the National Gallery in order to free liberate Philistines. Why where's the etymology of Philistine? Why are they calling these people Philistines? Sorry just to get . A guy in school said I was the least cultured person in school. Who said this? A guy called Nikola Stanovich, I will name him. Do you think did you agree with that? No . But you don't consume, I mean, you do. You go to the last episode he did a deep dive on how he's going to go to the anal action series on a porn conference. Biblical name is enemies of Israel. Wow, they're enemies of Israel. So they've always been enemies of Israel . So it becomes an English insult for an uncultured anti intellectual person through seventeenth century German slang We do need to do the history of Israel. Yeah, I mean it's a long one. But seeing is that in the Bible , the Philistines and the Israel are fighting each other. That's pretty extraordinary. Wow. So it's basically it's what Jewish people are calling their enemies. It's Philistines. Yeah. Wow. Phenomenal. Good stuff. Well , an unnecessary tangent but a fascinating but a fascinating one. And just to reiterate, I am pro Philistine . Get me out of this art gallery now . Herod dies , and Claudus annexes the king of Judea and puts the province under direct control of the Roman Empire. He has a similar thing in Thrace . I don't know where that is Greece. Thrace, I feel it's yeah anyway Northern Greece. Turkey? Turkey? Yes, please. Oh, so it's Romania . Area. It's from you're going from hair transplant into sex trafficking. Right. On the kind of on the map that we can understand . Yeah. So you've got spicy, spicy Jew els st anduff closing your high cuts. Sex trafficking a little cabbage you know I can yes the braille map of the world . I know where I am . It's a bit of grease as well. So it's lazy . It's la sezxy traffickers . It's the Nonce cook. So after the successful campaign in Britain, the elephants in Colchester, Claudus is at the height of his power. And so he passes a decree reducing the authority of the Senate because actually the interesting thing is that seeing his collicular and Nero, these tyrants, everyone kind of thinks that Claudius maybe was going to bring back the Republic and that he was going to empower the Senate , but he doesn't . And so there is an increase in political violence, but because he's sandwiched between these two absolute Gaddafiesque mascumps , he never gets the credit for being bloodthirsty. As a prime minister who is Claudius he's sort of like a like a bureaucratic pen pusher . Is he a bit of a major underrated you know is there not one that tracks? Well you got Augustus as Blair. I guess Tiberius is Tiberius is heath because of the nonce allegations . And then I suppose Caligula is trust it's this frenzy sex sex crazed period in our history that you know, we just went we just went mad for a couple of years and we just elected an absolute saucepot . And then who is? Maybe it doesn't track. Well, who's our most disabled primeister Min Brown Douglas Brown. Yeah. Maybe it's Brown. Yeah, Brown because Brown is a technocratic, you know. Yeah. Yes , he's a numbers guy. And people underestimated him and he kind of rose through the ranks . Even though Blair should have purged him. Yes. What's fascinating that documentary is where Blair is kind of Sheree, the puppet mistress who did nine eleven, let's not forget. We're wearing Tony like a puppet. There's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We need to be on America whatever cost, right? She says you should get rid of Gordon. Yeah. Sheree does, of course she does. Maybe Beth. Fucking Minks Well done, I'm erect. Well, you've done it. You've got me out of Shariblair now , I've got to pause the episode . We got an intermission mile and bust one out next door because you brought up Shariblair again. How many times ? We'd have a sign the studio saying don't mention Charie. Then even that would make me think of Chari Blair and I would be Christ . It's a good thing I've got wearing my gun bulging trousers for your anti shiry boss erection down there . But you can't see it for the amount of girth the Iron Dome . The cord the cord dome around my missile system fuck me . Now speaking of Sherri Blair. And Minks like puppies We actually got lots to get through. We've got a little bit through. What is it, Charlie? This is important quickly. Gordon Brown's favorite mane is rumbled thumps and his favorite pudding is crumble. That's not relevant. Rumble thumps Rumbley Thomps are a Scottish but we don't have time . He also likes no kicks. Right . Forefinger or chunky. No, come on. Last episode we brought you breaking news about Amen Omes' stroke. This news this episode Breaking News Gorgon like hit. Anyway , and there was never there has been no recorded evidence of that ever being a noncek. More fascinating insights from the scholars at Finfestival History. Now listen, Claudius , the increase in political violence seen under Claudius is actually the doings of his wife 's bitch wife. His bitch wife Messalina. Yeah. Now we need to get into Messalina . By the way, he is the first emperor to introduce frisking . What is that? Is that what stop and search? Stop and search? Is this a racial thing? Well, as you say, there's no real racial dynamics in the Russian Empire. So I guess it's just it's just stop and search. Right. It could be Abelist, can it? What if he's doing it? Yep Because he's claps. The disabled prime minister. The disabled Gordon Brown. Let's get the let's get to the wife. Right. The wife Mesolina. Okay. We need to get into Mesolina who she is. What number wife is this? I think this is number four, I believe. Is it? Or is it three ? Just double check one who died on the wedding day? Yep. He had another who he left because she was no longer politically relevant son had joked to death on the pair . And now she's got this third one who's an eighteen hot piece of ass. She's an eighteen year old scheming . And I think he's going and saying I'm fifty, she's eighteen. I'm fifty she's eighteen. I could control her. The power dynamic's very much in my favor. This is an old man taking advantage of a naive girl. He's a real but it's complete it's a reverse owl because she completely drives him like a sherry blurred puppet. She's the dog, he's the rabbit. Yeah. Definitely. So Meselina is renowned for her political scheming . Wildly promiscuous . Apparently she would compete with the famous Roman prostitutes to see how many men they can sleep within the room. She's Bonnie Blue. Bonnie Bluis. Yeah, Bonnie Blue the original Bonnie is Bluises. Yeah , it's sex as sport. Now Claudius supposedly is a bit of a horn dog as we said, Steve Woody tough tough pocket to be in horking us. Yeah . But he's also very passive and easily dominated by women in his life. Yes, both politically and sexually. Yeah. Much like Blair. So now Messalina she attempts to marry lover , the Senator Gaius Silius, that's his actual name. Senator Silius, Senator Cilius, which is insult to injury? Yes. Claudius, I think. Yes, that is a step too far. If I'm being called cuckled by a man called Senator Silius Yeah , it's like it's like me being cuckled by Mr. Tumble . You know ? Yeah, Mr. If my wife leaves you for mister Tumb,led I'm like, well, I can't this is, I'm gonna face anything. My kid's step dad is mister Fucking Tumble . I can't I can't compete with that . Right? He's like God to these kids , mister Tumble . I don't trust him though. Mr. Tumble with a young piece of arth. He has. Now he has written. He's anxious having a rumble in the jungle. Tumble's rumble in the jungle. He' hads been asexual for a while and he has been near in the matrix dodging nonce accusations, right? But also being a children's detail for that long over that many different era. He's fifty five and she's twenty one. A wholf . Oh wolf. That's an excellent mister Tumble, just so I say. I mean, that's not tall. A wolf. She's twenty world . I'm fifty five . Now, your kids love him, Mr. Tumble. Obsessed with him. Really? Yeah. I don't think I've ever watched Tumbles Tumblr. You don't have kids? No, but when I was growing up, how long has he been going? Fuck. If you're watching Mr. Tumble, he's like the he's like the messy of kids. He is the really yeah. No one's doing that dumble, dumb, dumb, dumb go . It's him where he's gonna bring out a big, big pink hat or something. Yeah. She's thirty four, okay. But still twenty one years still doubt. How long has he been at the top of children's television, Mr. Tumble? But he's got an anger inside him. Do you think he gets? Yeah, but I think what's quite sweet about this O Wool relationship is it's they both have a love of performing and they're both they both share the stage. It does feel like it's John Yoko. Yeah, exactly. She will tear him down, I think. He starts september two thousand three . So were you how old were you in that? nine? Was this before or after the Iraq invasion? This will be six months after Iraq is march ed two thousand three. There's maybe a link there. What is the link explaining it? I just think that it's post Iraq Britain. Right. So we need a sort of our innocence has been shattered , you know, it's not worked like it did the three times. Things were going to get better have stopped getting better. Release, Mr Tumble . So Messalina is having an affair with Senator Silly. Yeah. Claudius, as if, you know, one thing is to be cuckholded, but to be but by senator silly. So he learns of the marriage, he orders the execution on both Messalina and Silius immediately. Well this is so when I was doing the research I did ask Chati Bitig because it didn't really make sense why anyone would do that. It makes it still a mystery and there's no historical record because it's such an insane thing for her to do. Yeah . Want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it, how friends turned us on cotffoee cult ure and super layered hair. The secrets of Nirvana, train spotting, gay hookups, Diana's revenge dress, and what it was really like to be a spice girl plunged back into the decade when the world fell for cool Britannia , bumpster jeans, and lemon hooch with Talk nineties to me. Listen now wherever you get your podcast and if you use Spotify you can watch the whole show too. That's Talk nineties to me out every Monday. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now and it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, well our podcast can help . It's called American Friction and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen right, now where,ver you get your podcasts, right now , an American friction . Because what I can't really understand why you would do something as racist it was forbidden to marry Bigomy was forbidden. Well, he's the emperor. Yeah , you can't pay she's so drunk on power because we hadn't quite said all the political violence supp,osedly she orchestrates . So she is the she's like Sheree Blair with her hand up Tony's arse. She's orchestrated, she's drunk on the power. What was that wedding like? Is that Sheree? Sheree. Out of town and you get a wedding like is there, a st ag do? Is there like a what's the reception like? Like this is not gonna if you're a wedding guest you're like you're the fucking you're gonna clearly he's gonna chop your heads off The only reason for it has to be that they're planning to overtake . Surely because otherwise completely insane. Yes. So her execution is orchestrated by Claudius' Freedman Narcissus to prevent the emperor from forgiving such a cart. He's such a cuckoo his mate has to come in and be like, I'm going to have to do this because he's such a person. He's such a weak guy. What I think is interesting about Claudius is he's underrated his whole time, and yes, his love life is humiliating throughout his whole life. I mean, his life is always humili pretty much, but being the kind of bookish nerdy ruler, he does manage to get things done that the nerds do Gordon Brown save the world . All leaders are either kind of chads or cucks really and there needs to be sometimes you need a cuck, sometimes you need a chad. For peace time, cucks can get a lot done . McBillan built a lot of houses because they've got desks. They've got desks watching their wife get railed. Yes. Churchill, you need him for war. Yeah, you know, McMillan, domestic policy. Yeah, I mean, yes. You never had it so good. Never had it so good. But I think he was such a nerd and scholar about things like hydraulics and stuff like that. So he did mad stuff like he dug what are you getting? Sharia law. What sharia law Sharia Sharia law. He was under Sh Sarhiaaria la laww Sharia laws in LORE. Yeah, interesting. Very interesting. Shri Blair law. I mean, I will happily live under Sharia law . With your hands chopped off? Chop my hands off 'cause I can't I can't stop judging myself You've chopped your own hands off because you can't you can't be trusted . Yeah , but yes, let's get into what he actually does. So he builds a deep sea harbor in Rome? Is this an Ostia? No, but they they already have a port in Ostia because they don't have a deep sea harbour in Rome. So basically it's all about the running Rome is all about can you get grain from the rest of the empire into the city in the prov inces. That's that's the main logistical issue of running . And all his engineers says you are fucking mad. We can't we've got shovels. They don't have any technology. Yeah, but he says I'm the Emperor Georan and they do. They build they, basically just I don,'t know, how do they dig a deep sea hobby? Is it just hold your breath with a spades, go under and dig? That's right thing about the Rotherhood Tunnel. Which you walk through That was Brunel, right? How did you get ? How did you get under the water? It was. f Yeahucked, I don't understand that. We're getting to science. But that was industrial evolution. This was the channel. This was two thousand years before . The channel tunnel makes my fucking head hurt. I don't know. I guess you'll start you can start underground in England and then you can go. But then it's just everyone drought. I don't understand it. Rather than starting in the rough sea, engineers dug out a large natural coastal lagoon and plot of land inland. They let the sea flood in. So yeah, okay. Anyway, so they built a massive floating harbour, but this takes like hundred you know years but he starts it . He modernizes the aqueducts. He's quite religiously tolerant intolerant. He restores many old religious practices and festivals but he does it's not he's intolerant of astrologers which is fine he is quite like he wants it he thinks Romans are losing their way because they getting' toore much into Eastern practices. Oh, I see, right, okay. He hates Druids as well. Yeah. So he hates any of the hippie bullshit. And in the year fifty, he decides to oust all Jews from Rome. I mean, it says the reason behind the deportation remains unclear. , I will help you out They're Jewish. That's the reason. The reason is it's a time in history. Exactly . They're Jewish, and it's a time on planet Earth. That's why they've been kicked out . Okay . It is the one constant through every era that we talk about on this show is that if there are Jews there, they'll be kicked out. Surely they'll be kicked off. They'll be asked to leave in many ways the modern day era is the great the great pivot .es Y. As you'd say, it's Ben ahu's reign. Is the Jew saying now you get out ? He's you know reversed? Yeah, he's done reversed two thousand years ago in the reverse. Fair play , you know . So let's get into his government reform. Some of the stuff is quite boring, but we'll just mention it. He builds a big aqueduct. Yeah, brilliant. Brilliant. He increases the role of ex sl aves . He serves he has like this is like this is like Renter's rights almost where he says if your slave is ill , you can't just kill them, which is funny that this is like serious . I'm like, you can imagine the telegraph. Oh, I could already hear it . What's the point in a slave? Squeezing slave owners. Yeah. Like I can't afford my slaves are always getting ill , you basically have to make sure that they get better. Being on a hundred grand a year is actually you're the poorest in the country because of the tax deficit, you know, you lose your personal allowance. I'm collecting telegraph headlines and sending a lot to Finn. We will do a breakdown of some of the best ones because they've been they know they're audience they're on a rail race. No other paper knows its audience better than the telegraph. They're in complete harmony with the people who read it and they're not trying to get anyone else. No, no, it's so clear clearer than even the guardian, it's clear who reads the table. The guardian are tripping over themselves to not offend people. Yeah. The telegraph couldn't give a fuck. They're saying if you earn a hundred grand a year, you're the real victim here. The cost of living crisis affects you . So yeah, it's amazing. They've got articles where it's like it'll be a family. Collectively we make two hundred fifty grand a year. We now can only go on three holidays as opposed to five . Yeah, we have to hire ski stuff. We try to own our own skis. Keirst . Hello . Claudius was issuing many edicts, supposedly on average about twenty a day two of the Trumpian in that sense. It is fire in them out . Yes, the slave, the slave one is that if a master abandoned a sick slave, the slave would go free and if a master killed a slave instead of treating his illness, the master will be brought up on charges of murder. This is disgrace. Woke nonsense . Absolute mass. It's also funny the idea of what were they doing before? Like you have a cold fucking well yeah you have to say. You don't have to like pretend that you're not ill. You'd be terrified. It's the opposite of today where, you know, you get a medal for having long COVID . Anyway, the other the funny one is the fart monk arise longas of Covidshire . The Mech the Six will inherit the earth. Anyway , he initiated the fart edict , which allows people to fart in public . And it was sparked by concerns over the health risks of holding in funds . I guess the counter argument is the health risk of letting out gas. You have to really balance that because it's bad for the internal , but if everyone's fighting, it can be bad for the external. And this is before the Protestant Catholics made solves. It's true. Protestant, I hold it in. It's my relationship with my own fart. Catholics let it all out, the whole place thinks and no one works. Yeah, people are dying from passive passive passive passive fart inhalation . They should not be allowed to fart in pubs. There are kids around there. Okay . What have you searched Charlie? I suppose it's your expertise? If you're holding a fart, it can come out as a burp, unfortunately. That's fascinating. Gas can go both ways. It causes your gut to reabsorb some of the trapped gas, which then travels to your lung nose. But does how long does it take? It does not smell as bad as the fart, so it is still speak for yourself. Oh, what are you saying? Come back to me when you're age of thirty five . I'll call you in the dead of night. Finn I shouldn't have doubted you. Yeah . My girlfriend's just turned thirty. She's burped and it smells like a sewer in here . How quickly does the trapped fart become because in my head it's like oh no can't go around you know well it got to come out somehow and also do you know where farts come out if you don't fight? It's all in your sleep you like the blue man group in your sleep. It's like stomp the musical. Right. It's just because you think about Queen Elizabeth, who's probably must be one of the greatest holders in farts. Prostate hero, she's like, you cannot imagine her ever passing gas. No, but that does mean when she goes to sleep, it must be a fucking well the separate beds isn't it? Well, Prince Philip three doors down. Anyway, yes, Claudius has quite a relaxed attitude to public flatulence. Right But we need to get we racing. We need to get through this. So supposedly he greatly expands the number of Roman citizens during his reign , aqueducts infrastructure. What's the thing about there's a disaster where he tries to drain a mass ive lake lake successfully . He tries to build a tries to create more agricultural land by draining a lake so excavates a big touch drainage tunnel which takes thirty thousand workers eleven years to complete, but pretty much quickly pretty quickly the tunnel just sort of collapses The success of the harbour off cocky flare in Kosovo, you know, one success hubris No one to quit only. Yeah . So the tunnel is open and the water pels drain and it causes a major tidal wave and everyone has to flee for their lives at the opening of the tunnel . So now his fourth wife , this is where we start to get into the Nero prequel because his fourth wife is his aunt No, his fourth wife is called Agrippina the younger who is his niece. Oh yeah so he's gandying it he's ganding it but much like Gandhi I can't control myself whoops the test failed I had sex with my niece I. tri'edve to see if I couldn't if that's a crime . It is a crime game. I'm joking . He it's an evunculate marriage called The Things We're Learning. Yeah, it's amazing marriage, no vancula marriage I've married my uncle, okay Get married vonculate, yeah . Yeah, yeah, it is. I'm a big proponent of evonculate marriage. So his new wife is remember he's Caligula's uncle? Yes, so he marries Caligula's sister , who's his niece? Agrippina the younger . She's twenty five years younger than Claudius. I mean , he is an absolute hound dog . He's hawking plowing through. Now she'd already married twice and she had a son called Nero. Now she's very politically savvy. She came up a lot in the Nero episode. She did. Well , this is where we will tie in much like Rogue One, the prequel to Star Wars episode four. This now ties into the beginning of our Nero series. This is a real fascinating series for the fans here. Right. Easter egg upon Easter egg . So the couple married publicly in the year forty nine . So the Roman people view this as incestruous despite the Senate giving it their approval. Now, she view this as incestuous. Hey, they view it as incestuous. Yes, it is like yes, but the Romans, you know, their tolerance of incest is much higher than ours. Yes, okay. Of unconarnectedag mes areri not what they were. But it wasn't as much as I thought they're not into incest. I thought they were, but they do think that's dishonorable. Yeah, but it still happens. Fine, fine . It's, you know, it's Schfoield. Yes. Unwise, but not at least . She obviously wants her son Nero to become the next emperor because she's Caligula's sister, she maybe feels like she's been cheated out of her sort of line of succession before Claudus' own son, her new stepson, Britannicus, named after his successful invasion of Colchester with Mellifem. So Claudius adopts Nero as his own son , but he then starts to regret this because he worries that he's not he's neglecting his own son Britannicus . So as he begins to age , he starts to realize Nero might be a fucking psycho . And so he overlooks his own son and he feels remorse about this because Nero is sort of placed as Claudius's successor as he's older. Now Claudius is approaching his sort of mid sixties, which is very old for these days . And everyone is anticipating Nero as the next emperor because he'd entered public life when he was only fourteen , right? So Claudius begins to show more favor towards his biological son Britannicus , which infuriates Agrippina. He also names them both as joint heirs, which is you can't do that. So this is where we started doing experimental . He named he named them both joint heirs. Yeah. So you can't do that. No, you gotta predict yourself. Pick a team . So Britannicus was about to come of age , which I guess would mean that he would become officially was he older than Nero? Nero was older. Nero was older. Interesting. That's why Nero has Okay, right . So Nero is about five years older . So on october thirteenth, fifty four , Claudius is found dead at age sixty three . Now supposedly what happens is that Agrippina feeds him a plate of poisoned mushrooms in which he's in cahoots with a eunuch because, Claudius's Eunuch Taster fed him a poisoned mushroom . But then the reports that the mushroom didn't work, and so Agrippina tasked Claudus' doctor to finish the job. Michael Jackson. Alamatur Perry, Michael Jackson. So apparently and this is very kinky the doctor puts a fucking feather laced with poison down his throat. Damn that's kind of like that's fifty shades of gray stuff. Yeah don't like that . My gaggy reflects. I couldn't yeah, I can't be doing that . So his last words as he dies sixty three is Oh dear, oh dear, I think I've made a mess of myself because he pooed himself as he died which is a fitting end for Claudius. Yeah, I think this is he's lived a remarkable life , but at every turn has humiliated himself. Yes. Has been a pretty innovative emperor with a lot of things to be proud of, but at every single point in his life he's been utterly humiliated. He was only ever a year away from either being cuholded or shittered himself And he's a sort of tragic figure. He's a man of my own heart. Well, he's kind of rehabilitated now as someone who actually thinks revisionism. Well, I think it's revision to say he actually did a lot of things that and he didn't get a lot of boring stuff. Lot of boring stuff . Brown doesn't get the headlines that Caligula and Nero did. Sure . You know, in when the history books of our lifetimes are written for a hundred years from now , you know , trust will get all the headlines . But below the water, the calm sturdish of Brown. Yes. Crumbly probably knowing him and he's apple crumbled. Probably, you know? And he's finding it hard because he's got no debt perception . Anyway , so Agrippina successfully deposes Claudius. Yet again it's another change of power where it's not peaceful. There's an assassination. I mean, it's just assassin ation after assassination. It's why the Roman Emperors are so great. What's interesting is Augustus gets talked about as the greatest politician of all time and stabilizing it. But after he goes, it's a fucking nightmare . Like he doesn't set up that I bring another Labour Party analogy to the fore after Blair goes, you know, it just the asshole out of it So Claudius is given a funeral in the style of Augustus, he's interned in the big August Augustin ian mausoleum and he becomes deified which is like so this slobbering fucking cerebral palsy kind of like snossy becomes a god. Yes. A couple years after he dies, the philosopher Seneca writes a biting political satire so he gets in his lopped. He gets his slopped. He gets his slapped. His slopped. He got he and his slopped. Yeah, you can get hitch slapped and get his slopped and he got his slopped . The title Apocalypsein osis is a pun of the word apotheosis, which is the Greek process of becoming a god God, yeah. This is a pun by basically saying he became a pumpkin. Which is a passage this is a savage and stay down Have I got news for you This is right as you can do. Should I have argued used for using its third series at this point in the A fifty four AD . It's one of Merton's puns right here. Yeah, exactly. But has he become a pupkin, is he? Live . But that's nine o'clock. Apotheosis, the act of becoming we wouldn't get a pumpkin . I'm not fighting for a pumpkin . The pumpkin and my father in law's laughing at us. Pumpkin if lapping it up of Claudius. It's probably a genius, this guy . He's a genius . Oh, then they don't make that anymore. The master. Couldn't say that these days. Yeah, the master m pumpkin these days. He calls him the master? Hey. You would do it . No, who is it? No, it's Jack Barry's mum called Marcus Brigstock the Master just to mention him story and she just looked off from the distance just went the master . This is actually a brickstart get up actually. This is cord stuff. Anyway, now Now instead so there then becomes a myth, right? Claudius becomes kind of written into the law . Supposedly, instead of a glorious ascent to Mount Olympus, which is what happened to Augustus and when you become a god after you die, he's depicted as a kind of bumbling physically disabled figure who the gods can't understand because he's thrusting a dribble coming to heaven. Fuck us . And then in the story, Hercules is approached by the sort of dead Claudius who's trying to get in, but Hercules can't understand him and is quote confused by his strange noises . So Claudius gets rejected from heaven after Augustus himself delivers a speech saying how shitty he is so I mean this doesn't sound like an alright play though. The narrative ends with this him going the world but we think that Seneca's motive was personal revenge because Claudius had exiled Seneca Dak toos Kcaorsk.a So whenever we talk about the Roman Wales, you know, it's like we've got one source and it's hugely biased and compromised really. But it's an awful lot of fun. But seeing this play out, I'm thinking you couldn't write that nowadays. I mean, it was a different time. The leader of pumpkin. Noadays. I mean, if I call Cedi Car any kind of good , you know, hands dropped off . Yeah, can't even start the car let alone drive it Weirdly Do you remember when we did the Greek god series? Do you remember Hephaestus the blacksmith, the ugly one? Do you remember that? When was this? Did we not do a pratriarchal on Greek gods? I don't think we did. We must stop. There was that massive cow. That's the Norse . But one of the gods , Hera and Zeus have a child who's born and so ugly. We did Roman gods, not Greek ones. They're the same. Right, yeah, but they're the same . So when Hera and Zeus have a kid, one of them is born so ugly that she immediately drops kicks her off Mount Olympus. Oh yes Hideous guy and then he's the only conceivor and eventually he becomes the god of blacksmiths but it's basically Claudius. Yeah, the whole the whole story basically at the end of it all Nero takes power become another tyrant who supposedly plays the violin while Rome burns. And we had James McConnell on the great James McCann to do that. Great app. You can find that . And so that's the end of Claudius really. The hipster's choice for Roman Emperor I guess scores in the doors . Yeah, he's a very unique figure in history and how, you know, the great unknowns are how aware how in on the plot to kill Caligula was he? He's Tom's Wands gam. He's like him as a narrative archetype is quite I don't know what you'd call him is the underdog the yeah he's the man who sort of who stood the people were underestimating him and maybe weaponized his own disability in order to progress. Yeah. It's a very, very relevant story to analyze. Yeah , in politics all the time is you keep the people close you think aren't going to st ab in the back. Yeah . So on the patreon this week we're talking about Hercules, the twelve labors. That's great stuff . And you can sign up for three pounds a month where there's an army of Clauduses except they're not weaponized their disability . They're just giving us a proportion of their allowance. Yeah, they're a burden on the state. Yeah, and a burden on us as well. Anyway, that's on the Patreon, but if not, we'll see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here at Finnvers History. Goodbye. Goodbye