The Assassination and Unexpected Ascension

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Stay on top of every moment with live stats, highlights, and instant replays. The FIFA World Cup, streaming live on Fox One, offers a subject to change seefox. com for complete terms and conditions He history joining me is Horatio Gul. Thank the Emperor. Today we're talking about Claudius. We're back in ancient Rome. These have been some of my favorite episodes. Yes. This We're going back to the ancient world, but these are very much the lily pads in which you feel safe, right? I love the Roman Emperors. It's the only place that you feel can it's the wall of the ice rink, which you can hold on to in the ancient world It the only place where I get to explore the H world where you're not half a sate or obbviously nose dive in the podcast. I don't think that's fair. I think found I found a prehistoric statue of a guide doing a Hitler suute. Yeah, that'sue.. got me through that episode. Yeah yeah you very much. We're talking about Claudius today. nowre also sry we're dressed as the sofa today. We're dressed as the sofa. and before anyone comments, I'm aware there will be a lot of gunt on show this episode. You're a gnt buncher. My gnt is punching in this suit There's a lot of material in it Im essentially dressed as a Ct Roy Hurton And I apologize to any ladies watching, but my gunt is punched. ye But it sort of looks like we're like hit men Who are trying to hide in the sofa the we're trying to try we would dress up as one of the cushions. I mean, I'mressed as the sof cushion, you're dressed as the wall. We're assassins at's Nigerian wedding. We're what are they wearing? We're going to have to dress as they do. Yes, I do for anyone looking I've got a lot of room in the fooper. My pussy areir is not as fat as it looks in this suit But we digress. We need to talk about Claudius. Okay So we have previously we've talked about Nero, who is the emperor after Claudius. and we've talked about Caligula. Probably our wildest episode was Caligula And this sort of this episode will be a kind of sequel. It will be you know, where are we? Let's So this is the emperor Claudius is between Caligular and Nero betwixt the mad Cs basically. Yes. Caligulular and Nero are by words for tyranny. And Claudius is kind of the hipster' choice. I think so. He's my favorite emperor we've looked at so far I think it's a very interesting story. It doesn't follow the normal narrives because a lot of Roman emperors they arere either like chads. Yes or they're just mental. Yes with no real light and shade. It's just I marry my he. It's just a zanie f. Well I'll fuck you then.uck I fucked everyone's wives, I burn it all. There's not really any sort of nuance there. It's just full throttle. I'm mental Claudius has a lot his whole life story is very Cal interesting character. It's a unie story. I'd say of any ruler reallyally. But we ended the last episode with Caligula. Now Caligula had been a promising early leader. He had been raised on Tiberius, who was Epstein Epstinius. Yes. Epstein's Island. So has been a great the track record so far for? No It goes go Pedophile madcunt. Claudius Madcunt. Yes. that's And Caligula had been assassinated by his Praetorian guard. He'd been a promising ruler, but then he'd had a stroke and the stroke had pushed down on the pedophile bit of his bra and the foreign accent syndrome. Yeah. So he'd gone to sleep Caligula. he'd woken up a Carigora Yes. He was then assassinated by his praetorian guard fast bowling debies against the wall? was he not? No, they then took his baby and they camampode in cricket into the. . Yeah. So yeah, it's the long road to Pulpop bowling vapors against trees in Cambodia. They took Cigula's son, they killed his wife and they take his son and they play The squash with it, I think was the That with the term usual. They trucked at a baby, lights out, night night But hiding behind the curtain In the corridor where Caligula was assassinated. Qivering. Qivering. Drooling was a disabled man with touretses who would go on to inherit the Roman Empire against all the odds. But who is this man How do we end up? How do we get here? Yeah But you're probably wondering. you're probably wondering how I got here. That's how Claudius would say. Yeah. So So Claudius is discovered quivering underneath the curtain And a coward. a coward. I love and I love a coward. Yeah. Historically, there's something brilliant. Heroes write most of history. True. But it's nice when you see a true, quivering coward. There's something inherently funny about someone who's truly cowardly. Yes And that he then goes on to become emperor in a world of, you know a chads. I mean, as you not very woke time. As you've said, part of the reason I like the Roman Emperors is incredibly binary, masculine fascistic time. Yes. Men with big chins and broad chests chucking babers against walls. Yeah, it could be like it's far from woke you can sort of get the Roman era, there's none of the idea of social justice is just so far. It's aboutatter how many Barbarians to be suppressed. Yes, know, any form of weakness is seen as weakness. I tell you what, it's quite we because only the Praorian guards are allowed to have a sword in the city of Rome. Yes. That's quite woe. Sure. That's like in America, I go,'t I mean I can't take red tape. Yeah. Definitely is.. They don't have an open carry policy in Rome. Yeah So again, let's just refresh the Roman Emperor timeline Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon at some point Then Augustus, Blair, the Titan. he is the sort of he becomes god. He adopts an old man Tiberius who then becomes a pedophile on an island in Capriy. Now living on growing up on this island is Caligulular. When Caligula was assassinated, Claudius is discovered behind the curtain, quivering. Now he is born Claudius on august firstth ten BC. And like any Roman emperor or Brazilian footballer, he has too many names. and also all the names of other people with this story. So I'm not actually going to say what his name is It's just to confuse. all have each other's nam. It can be I' be Ratio G Charlie, Milner Fin Taylor, that be my name Horatia It's too much. Anyway. so he's born in modern day, Leon Lugdenum and he is the first emperor to be born outside of Italy his let' his's blue blood in terms of Roman style. Yes. his he the Julio Claudian line which is very important Ladies. Yeah How many times must I warn you You're not welcome here Okay, wear two pairs of pants if you're tuning in. We're discussing the Julio Claudian line. His father is Nero Claudius Drusus his parents, Olivia Drusilla who is married to Augustus and Tiberius Claudius Nero. Now that is the three emperors, but that's none of them. That's like that's like Robbinio being called Ronaldinio Ronaldo Rialdo. Yeah He's nothing to do with that. H starmer called Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, David Cameron. Yes.. Yeah, forget all of them I His mother is Antonia the younger and her parents are Octavia the Younger, who's Augustus's sister and Mark Antony. Right. So Patra's look at the personal trainer who lives here near byy So the Julian Claudian line that's because it went from a republic to an emperor p. it's about trying to trace it back to either Julius Caesar or More importantly Augustus. Yes, who was such a successful ruler, he calmed everything down basically All of these emperors are trying to state their claim to to August. It's the opposite of Tony Blair He wasn't successful, but everyones trying to distance themselves from him. So it's like, how much do have you gotten a little part of? Well, how close were you to B? Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. So Claudius is a descendant of Julius Caesar through the Julian line, which is very important. Now, he has two older siblings. One of them is Germanicus who is Caligulus Dad Germanicus is the popular general hero. He had a lot of success in Germany. Yes the name. Germanicus. And So Tony Blair would, if he's been successful would be called Arachicus or like No, he'd be called Cosvus.os called Sierra Loneus Northern Ireland That's Tony Blair, okay We must not just jge him byarraqa Y. o You know, Germanicus is not called I don't know, fucking Gaulius. Yes, rightight? Yeah Because you''s defined by a successor. Sure Personally I see Tony Blair as Cosopus Ser Ionius Nor Islanders Yeahep, sure starters. Yeah, yeah. Minimum wages civil unionist, okay? There's lots of uss in Tony Byr's name, that's not Iq. Univers. Universityes Polytechnus. Yeah. He did a lot. He did a lot. Anyway. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. 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That is fire. Whoa, that's good. This might be the drink of the summer. Okay, I like this one too. I'm not with you. Okay? Try it for yourself. Starbucks refreshherers concentrates are coming home. Find them in the coffee aisle and make it yours. Whereas Cameron is Brexitist. Sure. ye. Brexitist serious. He's also gay marages.arriages which often doesn't get criticised, but he's actually hard call him gay marriages. Well, I'd call him Brexitist, gay marriag. U And then John Major isom Sodomous. Sodom legalized Sodomy? He did. We must never forget Yeah John Mjor. The Rot begins with Major. okay. The fucking barn doors flew off when Major legalized. did he no he decriminalized it? Decriminalized, I think. It's very late, isn't it? Yeah nineties the nineties. Is it like you're not allowed to deal Sodomy, but you're allowed You can do it in your own home. But you can't be a sodomite dealer. No. You can't be buggering someone in a public car park What's it buggery is that's public sodom, isn't it Yeah. Charlie, could you just find out the legal definitions of buggery, sodomy, and then just homicide? All I know is that any privately educated man of a certain age has been buggered Anem Buggery is a specialized British English word that refers to anal sex and sometimes other non procrereative sexual acts Now that's it. I remember Jon McNalleally came on saying that buggery is technically kindol linguous. whichich is very funny. J to walk in on a man going down Stop by bugger right now. What are you doing? Wash your mouth out, you bugger. Yes. Claudius is down as Germanicus who is Caligula' Dad Carica. Sorry, hisis brother is Germanicus.. whose dad is whose son is Caligulular. Nowig Kariga. if you've not heard that episode, maybe maybe mayaybe listen to that one first. He's the emperor And so he then goes on this huge killing spree where he sort of purges any potential rival Claudius is never purged Why is that? At some point in Claudus's early childhood beces very ill. and we don't really know Historians are trying to work out what the modern day equivalent of this would be, but his symptoms are partially deaf A stutter a limp and a constantly running nose and drowoling at the time. He also laughed inappropriately. Yeah. while drooling. So now basically if he was born now, you would have a Channel four series. Oh a commommissioner Channel four Well this is a very, very different time and the view of disability is the opposite of the view of disability now. I disagree. I think it's actually quite a sophisticated understanding of disability because I didn't say it wasn' sophisticated. it' was the opposite of No, I disagree. Okay. because essentially when you then find out that he wrote several books, he's clearly not mentally disabled. He just looks clapped. He's just a bit of a nerd. Nowadays I would say we're getting very close to a stage where nerds are identifying as disabled in that if you let that autism U If you sort of plow that furrow too far, you will just push through to just people who are just a bit nerdy If you broaden the autism spectrum. So much. As you've often talked about how you prefer a disability that's binary. No, traffic Tffic light system. Yeah. What is it again? Green normal, yellow, bit odd Rd downown syndrome. Perfect. I know where I stand. I know where I stand. Green, yellow, red. Yeah, exactly. We've got the full traffic light system here versus history Okay. Now exactly under the twenty ten A right under the twenty ten Disability Act Dyslex is a disability Well, I got dyspraxia so I'm disabled. Yes. Well That was a modern day cles. But this is my point is that in the nineties you were not disabled. You were just wobbly. Yes. In the nineties, you didn't have ADHD. you were just late. But then how is that similar to now? Because because then they They call him disabled when actually he's not, he's just a bit It's not yeah, but being called disabled now is a benefit in a way because that's like there's a bit of status there There's no status for being disabled back there is what I'm trying to say I agree with that. the categorization, yeah, maybe they call it disabled, but if you're called disabled, it means that publicly, not only are you unvirtuous, it means people're saying are different to now.. They didn't, you know you didn't get like you didn't get a free tablet. They just anything that reminds them of any sort of weakness means that you're openly allowed to be mocked. and not only that. What I enjoy about this period It physical disabilities that you can't help were viewed as moral failings. Exactly, it's early phrenology. It's the long road to phrenonology R. It your head is too big to have a job here. Yeah. You can't work here.. You can't command any respect because of the size of your forehead. Whereas now it's reverse phrenonology where your head too big to work here, Do you want to be the boss? Oh my God, you've just crystallised what my problem with today is is that it is reverse phrenonology It's taking everything that we work so hard for and flipping it and it's inverting science. Yeah, You'd be terrible for this. Do you want it? Yeah. Yeah. have it. You're clearly awful. have the company. My point is is that they actually post There you know, I grew up in a world where disability had quite a high threshold. And that threshold has been lowered as I've got older I see in the Roman age, they had quite a wide net for what it basasically if you weren't ripped tall you were disabled, which I feel like is the direction of travel. It's horseshoe, right? Yes. It's come back round right So but you're writing that the status is very different, you know, he was not getting a free laptop or a free stone tablet or whatever. he gives the impression that he's dim witted andfit for public life. because to be fair he's got a constant running nose and he's drilling all the time. And he limbs He limps. limpslling. Yeah. It's like Charlie when he just laughs out of of no reason. And to be fair, if you are voting for some public office and they're just like There's a guy who's got really strong concerns about immigration. There's this guy just constantly running nose. You go You can't even stop your nose running alone the boes, you know, Wh is it Charlie?'s equivalent to stolen valib if you pretend you're disabled Is they look around The equimalment of the year twenty twenty six Okay You just pop a sunflower landyard on and Park way you want it. Park way you want, shit way you want Masure describe who you want. I think you can do that. I got lookook at the lanyyard, ye Anyway, now as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays, Claudice's own mother describes her sardon as, quote, an abortion of a man They'd only been begun but never finished by nature. I mean that's that's pretty Rbust from a mother. That's ninety stuff. You know that's the era that I grew up in. That'sah, that's what you're saying in the place finished abortion. An abortion of a man A monster A man whom Mother Nature had begun work upon, but then flung aside basasically a Greek Unfinished Greek a Greek guy. Yeah, Mother Nature is Greek in this regard. Not or day. Should I finish his brain? Not or day. Now modern historians suggest that Claudus may have suffered from cerebral palsy. So it's like in Breaking Bad, what's his name? Yes, Walt Waltt Junior. Walt Junior. Autism Andor Toret. So I think I want to take autism out of it because we're I feel that's like cllouding the clouding. Yeah. I think it probably is if he's like We Trete I us Yeah Fuck us scrunteres Yeah she just pisses You can't beuck shit is fuck. ye Yeahah yeah, it doesn't really fit in with the you can't be sitting in the Senate you know, doing that. Yeah, I suppose it's long road to the Bafters, isn that? Autism, I guess doesn't really Yeah. the sow, although he he does have it, but I'm saying it seems like the least of his worries. Maybe in the Roman perspective, you know I mean, a dribbling isn't really autistic, is it? It's cleically a lot of physical ailments as well. But also a constantly running nose. What is that fever? I don't know. Yeah, Well, again, is that way where we're going today L when you get a free lapop, have an a fever What's a constantly running nose? What part what's that part of? Most people have that though. Just allergies. Yeah. Chronic rhinorrhea My mate at Bright nightice is't here had to sle with aape on his mouth. You've got so many mates. You've got so many mates and they're all fucked their own way. Christ. You of the boys in the sunshine bus, I don't know. Chronically irritated nasal lining. but It's similar to there's people you just can't vote for Because there's that old adage that you know most people, the general public at large actually are voting for whether they want to go for a pint with the person. sure, you know. And that was Trus's great problem So I wantan to skip pinees just get straight Let's go straight to the bed. They for someone who knows they want to blow. Yeah. It's like I shouldn't be your carer. Yeah, you know. So he's a young guy, he's pretty clapped, but in nine BC's early. early. early stuff. nine BC his dad Do they ever say like guys, you've got to stop having this view of disability? It's the year nine It's gone. This is so backward. It's how are we still talkking about this in the year nine? But it's not the year nine, it's doneine BC. Oh five. They wouldn't call it that . They won't even know, but this before you're right. Yeah. but when it' zero? No because that's C in crisis. what do they call nineBC in nineBC? That's an interesting question. They would have just relied on a universal numbering system. many years after the ruling monarchs, local magistrates or major events Okay, so be Just like year two. Cicular year for. Itd be like the year of the horse. All U So Drce anyway Dreuus dies and yeah, they're like we've got to have him more come on they can't call him. You can't use that word, you know it's the it's the air nine BC. And he's just shouting Fuck Fuck. you come on. You've got to accommodate him. He doesn't mean it. you know, it's an involuntary tick. So his dad falls off a horse whilst in Germania and Claudus is a you is an infant, I think at this point. And so C gets handed over to his mother who fucking hates him. C't stand him. Mother can't stand him is an abortion. in her words I love how cruel the women are in ancient Rome as well. Yeah. the women play a huge role in Rome and they seem to have a lot of power and they use that power for deeply dark reasons. Yes I was I think his name became a word for like a slur. L loudness became clawious. interestnteresting Like Stephen H kindt Yes, Stephven as Hawkingis. ye. It was often weaponized to mock people with limited mobility or paralysis There you go. Brutal time. Yeah He's like British TV in the two thousandsace. Yes. Yes, it is. Yeah. families. His grandmother Llivia Basically was so ashamed byy her grandson that she couldn't look him in the fucking eye. So ma dble mam and grandmama. Double team You don't have any there's no one on your toe. No your emotional safe space is going, you are an abortion And then you go to your granny who's toannyanny. The grandmother, the Italian Non. It said that your grandma is the only person who truly wants you to do better than themselves in your whole life. True. But this granny says this is a fail I pray aloud that the Roman people might be spared so cruel and undeserved a misfortune as to have him as their emperor. That's awesome. It's crazy.. Now she says that. That's a good n. She says this. is I have a lot of empathy with this because it's my n as well. Right, wouldould she like that about you? She's a cruel Presbyterian She is. now She said this after there was this kind of the myth of the eagle So he's playing in the garden with with his siblings and then these eagles start circling above them and they're fighting in the air over a like an injured wolf Cub And then the cub falls from the eagle's grasp into the arms of Claudius And that then an oracle makes a prediction that he will become Emperor. The wolf represents Romulus and Remus. Yeah. so similar to when a bride chucks the bouquet. So goless chun a wolf C and the disabled guy gets and then they're like, well you're going to become protector of Rome. So then his grandma says, Oh that I hope that doesn't happen. he's fucking. He's clpping He claps let how that happen. Por Roman people do not deserve the misfortune am I clapped grandson, Ronh So he as a result of this because he's still sort of blue blood, and at this point in nine BC, who is Eperor? Is it Tiberius or Augustus? Is it Peter O Blur Wh's in powerered It is all about Blaress in power. And Augustus has a long and maybe the most successful So say the greatest only get better. Augustus is pressing the flesh outside downing street. Augustus is blare if he didn't invade Iraq. Yes. That's it. Yeah That's what he is. God imagine Hed still be Prime minister'll still think of He'd still be Prime Minis It's still still is. Hes still it he fucking still is. The amount of WhatsApps I got came when he came out and he broke cover. This is your penis when Tony Blur. Says anything in the Times. I'm listening. I've got so many whatspps and people saying fucking Blaair's the circle you've created. Blair' seen it like a beach ballst still? Yeah But also you're saying that like, God, it must be such a bigal you've only selected people. hang out with who will message you that when That's a very selective I don't give out my number to anyone who whats that groups so going to be you. Anyone Anyone to the left of David Milliliband did not give out my number to. U So yeah, I Blair he still see he still he's the only guy, you know It's still saying things still see them clearly. The day that Blair dies and we lose his third eye, this country is completely. But you see he can't keep his hand out the cookie jar. He said some interesting things about domestic poly policy as he often does. But then he was like, it was a mistake not to join Trump and Ian. It's like Blair, History is long. Flair, you gota fucking you gott to realize You've got your hand slapped, stopp going back there You can't help it. He's can't struck. Look at him. look at his peace. Look at his peace. He's dazed every morning He's been whipped around his fucking nine Bedington toownhouse by that fucking piece of house He doesn't know what he's thinking, you know She think she really told him off first in the documentaries really because Sherry gave up her own political career for Tony, so she's got a lot of. But also there's a conspiracy theory that Sheree was actually running the show and that Seree was the puppet master for Blair And that Sharid actually Sita nine eleven. Vious he it ye. But you had to hear first folks. Shherib B at nine eleven. Yep She organised it. She wanted to go into Iraq. Yeah. She'd always hated Saddam And she orchestrated the nine and eleven attacks so that her husband, who is nothing, really? Yeah, you know, he's your mouth, no trouers. She's got the fucking trouser. She's weaked a burning fucking t. You you can see in that photo, she's got her hand off his arm. Yeah, like letaying him like a pun Yeah We have to be close to America. That's her saying that. Ventritious. Yeah. Hi. Hi, hi, Hi. Anyway Yeah, Kosvus Northern Irelandus Sierra Lonus. he is in power when Clonius is entrusted with very few official responsibilities because he's a little sort of clap abled boy. And he's his mother'sds. His mother's words, sorry, not my words thoseose was his grandmother's words. Fucked in the head as his grandmother I say. he can't have an official ro, because he's completely fucked in the head. His bon is gone so but he throws hisis bonce isn't gone, is it? It's not It appears to be gone. Well this is incredibly annoying, but she's gone it's just not gone. The great question is how U how you know, there's an idea that maybe he grows out of his disabilities, but does that happen No there' well there's a theory. You're saying that you have a disabled child and you I' grow up. Well, yes But there's a theory that U He He learns that's he's underestimation. 's actually a sign of great strength. And he plays the fall Yes, he's Tom Momsgam. He's Tom Woms Gam That's why he's that's the archetype that Claude is. What is it, Johny? Is he? Wh the Emperor in Monty Python with the lp is based of. Possibly Good b Possibly. I don't. There's a big show there's a big TV show I Claudius in the seventies My parents gone it was apparently huge It was the equivalent of succession but in the seventies and as Derek Jackabeey played, I Caudus could play Claud. Who did Christopher Biggins play rem Maybe Cicular. When I was producing a live podcast, he was the guest. Yeah. and that's when he came straight out and said that This was ten seconds into meeting in the whole room told him that Prince Charles was frequented gay clubs in the eighties. That was like told everyone T ten seconds in pretty extraordinary entrance. We've covered that he would tasterilliant gins We have to covered that he would tastei h. Can you find out what Biggins played in Iicolonia? Yes a suckling Biggins, I believe. I believe said Yeah. U playo. He played Nero B Biggins is Nero Oh wow. look at the young Bgins. Gorgeous It's taster when he's young. Oh, it's like veal I would love to eat I Claudius erob Eerra Bigs He looks like sorts of gay Ronan Atkinson. in a deightful. Anyway, ye, no he'sast he's pasture. I wouldn't want it pasture. That's like an old dairy cow. Anyway, so he he now he has a massive he's a massive history guy, Claudius Yeah, he doesn't show his history fans well, I don't think, seeing he's like a sniveling nerd loser who can't go to fight in Europe and instead retreats to his book. andesome rel history. it is down He's got D down Snowdram. But Dan Snow is a chad. That's what's funny about He's a tall booming voice. That's why he stands out in the history field. Yes, he is. is because he's a rare case where he's actually he's tall, strong It looks like he's not like a fucking nerd. Men wantan to be him, women want to fuck him. D D Snow, you know, Just James Bond. He is history' James Bond You know No one's talking about Sandbrook or Holland No the next bond. They're talking about snow. Yeah. snow's in thenows in the running. I'm putting my hat in the ring for snow U anyyway, so who do you think the biggest chad is in terms of kind of traditional British broad Midly, midly, midly Who's in the running M Mle is Midley' bring a knife to that fight. D h? Yeah, Ben Fgeal Danny Dyer M madeateast He's been in El Salvador prison. I saw that. Yeah. No, he's fucking people up. You reckon? Yeah Absolutely He's gotten. you think Madele's tasty with the fight Yeah. abbsolutely. Absolutely. I don't He's got no social awareness. Well didn't that really helps him? not doesn't hesitate. doesn't hesitate to ask the question whatever's in his head What's wrong with you then? You't hesitate He was the one who really fell off Amon Holmes, he's fucked down Isn't quite ill actually Now I think he's a bit naughty. Yeah naughty Holes. naughty. I think Aman's naughty Anyway, We're in danger we're in danger of committing libel, which was true. Aamon Holes had a stroke. Okay, breaking news. Who' he stroked No, enough. Breaking news. Aiman Holmes has had a stroke. I guess that's what you get Book twenty three hours ago. he's issued a twenty He has a stroke. twenty three hours. right. Pause this. pause Claudius. en. Listeners. I hope you're sitting down. Oh Wh's Brother Sndrome. Aman Homes as well so smug. No, I think that's the stroke. I'm really hope that's not a smug face I've hadad worse monders. I've had a stroke. Right. Wow Okay, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Aamon Holmes U It's had a stroke G get well soon, Aan. Yeah from all of us here. Finse' history. GBews will not be the same way. why you're so fuckingy smug about it Anyway, look Let's get back to Claudius' He says he can't wait to be out of his gown and back into his suit and tie.s what do you think? 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But we're sticking to the same job, one that's even more important as the stakes get higher in British politics Exploring the big stories, dispelling the bullshit and doing it all with a sense of humour. You need one these days. That's oh God what now with me, Andrew Harrison and the absolute A team of Politics punditry. Get it every Tuesday and Friday on your favourite podcast apps. So yes, Claudus gets put under the tooth clage of Livy, who is the big he's like the first historian O a huge Roman hraian. So he writes extensively. now he I think his publisher asks him to write a history of the Etruscans which is northern Italy And they say just keep it to two volumes and then he writes twenty. Right. So he's mad for it. He loves it and he then gets told off by his grandmother because he starts writing accounts academic accounts of Rome since Augustus And that becomes like that's like family drama. Right. That's kind of airing the dirty laundry. So get he has to abandon that sort of stuff. because they damage his reputation. So he's sort of he's politically isolated He's dribbling He's shouting fuckers Cunter said the other words But this is a classic you do see this archetype in history of the kind of Bllied n who then retreats to the books while all the chads play outside and bides his time and kind of develops skill. I'll show them. Augustus dies in fourteen AD. Now they may have been callalling it fourteen at this point. they probably weren't actually. and they definitely weren't Be Jesus weren't Christian Jesus fourteen. Yeah fourteen eighty was called the yearar of the Consulship of Pompeius and Apollaeus is a bit of a man. I think I think they did I think The forty, the numbers are better. They muchuch better. it's a good system? Otherwise, this would be the fifth year of the consonsulship because Danis. Do the Taliban news are donon't know Be it is kind of cuted for Taliban Or is it like is the year zero when they shot Mala in the head And then everything since then. J Tory Shes a tour right that surprised me. Well, I think she to break us out of the country. Yes. ye And also, I guess if you've been shot in the head then you go on to become speak at the UN, you would think that's you, wouldn't you You know, So the current Islamic year is fourteen forty seven AH I was actually they use that as the Yes, Right Yeah. Yeah, they're about six hundred behinds. Right. Because it begins with the migration Yes, out of Yes Muhammed from Ecca to Medina So it's the year fourteen AD, but if you're Muslim, it is the year four six hundred B BM. Yeah BH before BH. Wh's a?? Hage? No for Hidra Right, I think D't know who that is, but I'm sure he's great. Don't cut my head off. Okay, that's crack.ust a little off the top, please, the whole head. Yeah, just a haircut, please. I'd like a Turkish barber haircut, not a Oh Saudi haircut. U T of you get caught stealing in Saudi Arabia, you go, Yeah, just a couple the sides, please. please. Nothing off the top. Augustus dies in fourteen. Claudus is twenty three at this point. and he appeals to his uncle, the new emperor Tiberius. I mean, most uncles are creepy, and uncle's a creepy word., but his uncle is a pedophile with an island. Yes. Uncle Emperor Tiberius Abstinus Islanders. to allow him to begin his curses onar roum, which is a sort of the structured career path. I guess that's the what would you say that's like Apprenticeship or like joining the civil serervice and starting to work your way through up the machinery of government. Tiberius denies him and then Claudius asks again twice and Tiberus says no and no. Because you're fucked Because you're collapsed. Fuckus. fuckus. So Claudius then focuses on his writing career. None of his original works have survived. So we don't know if they're really good. No He said, quote, No one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing. Right. So he's steaming in the basement at the moment. Yes, is. He's writing manifesto. Now let's get to his love life. because his personal life is pretty hilariously tragic plans for him to have married in his mid teens. Again, this is the Roman era, so this isn't creepy at this point. However, the girl inQestion's family gets politically disgraced somehow and the betrothal gets cancellled But Claudus is much like Hawking seems to be quite horny. And same what. Hornkins. Stephen Hornkin some So Itly disabled. It's a brutal combo. Brutal. It' a bral It's a rare, you know, it's like a lunarclipse. It's a rare sight, but magnificent when it emerges Anyway, so he gets betrothed to a woman called Livia Medulina after lots of unsuccessful attempts getting married. but this girl Livia Medulina falls ill and dies on their wedding day. Right. So Bereaved at first sight B. That's what that show is called In the year, nine his third attempt Claudius marries Plautia Ogalanilla. Sounds gorgeous. O. She's already She's sucking off another bloke in her name. Yeah He's that cock that her name onlelele hu? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Sorry. Could you please take that gentm's cock out your mouth and to itlease take a cockg. Let's let the dog see the rabbit. There she is, I think. Yeah, she looks nice. It looks nice.ite white with dres. I look nice on a coin no know I mean, I don't know you would. I think it's a massive. I think a coin would be two dimensions. Yeah. I think the more three D, the better for you. I think when you reduce your features to two D. Yeah, that you need to spend as long a time Join me as possible, the quicker the wors, becauseer it' be like Detail as your friend Okay And second to draw me it iss going to be pretty brutal. I know that from when I was a twelve year old and I was gavin plumbing at behind Hollywood film stars, peopleople would draw me with just two circles. okay? Detail is our phone. No, no, no no, You've not captured my complexity, okay. The detail of the Hawaiian shirt of the billabong shorts, okay of the pulled up white socks and the and the skatater shoe, even though I've never been een relators, the reeen pred the Queen Ban Predators Detail is my friend, You've not captured the essence of my jel That must be terrifying for a right back seem is steaming down the left wing. as an impact sub. You've not captured that Youve just drawn two circles Um Anyway, so Miller gives birth to the couple's only child who's named Claudius as well.. Anyway. Now but his son, this Claudius guy, dies age four after choking on a pear. Fair enough. I mean fucking outll. Yeah Christ How un likeuck I koke it a p. Yeah ye It's the most Jewishman of all time. Y. It's Iidi I, hostage cris is all over again. So there's a guy called Sjinus, who's that? Who's Sinus? Um, So at this point, o because Tiberius is living on Capri fucking his little fish, which is his squadron ofququ victims. He's an aquapedo. Because he's basically busy himself doing that, the guy running the country is a guy called Sjanus So Claudus is lying low in this period. and Claudius gets betrothed no, Claudus's son who's also called Claudius gets betrothed to Junililla, the daughter of Syjanus. And then his son, much like his dad, is so clpp that he can't even eat a fucking pair age four. So he dies. And I guess Claudus's grandmother goes, well, good think Fuck for that, you know, they're Darwinist Yeah in the ro Yeah. fourteen. If you can't handle a pair, you didn't deserve to live. Yeah. Par is early stuff. Yeah. I mean, is he putting the whole thing in? Yeah. Anyway, quite a dry one. He eat the whole thing,ough don't youy? There's no center of a peair. You just eat the whole thing, right There is a cool. I think there is a cool, but you canat, you can eat it. It'ss less sturdy than an apple. Sure So anyway, so Claudius divorces his first wife in the year twenty four because he thinks she's having an affair and was involved in the murder of her sister in law. which is irrelevant to the story. So he then remarries a woman calledia, Aia Pitina who is Sgnus's adopted sister. He then, I mean, for a disabled guy who's a nerd, he's divorcing a lot. Yes, to be fair He then divorces her because Sgnus gets executed U So wait wait, wait, wait sorry, he marries the guy' in charge's sister because he's in charge because Sedjin has fell from power her powerers gone. So I guess is this one when Caligula comes to power that hegyous maybe. Anyway,ine. We're getting we're getting a bit lost in the wings's lot of names. There's a lot of names and they're all the same nes.. But Caligula comes to power in the year. I think it's thirty three. Okay believe, which is as Christ is executed I may be. So Caligula actually facilitates Claudius's entrance into Roman politics because he appoints oh, sorry, it's theet thirty seven So does Christ get executed when Caligula is on the throne? No, sorry, so he's four years he comes to power in the ty seven. So Christ has been dead for four years So it was Hiberius. Hiberius executes Christ whichich is why peopleople get so annoyed at Epstein Because not only are you a pedophile But you're also Jewish And it was it was a The Jews killed Christ But also it was a Roman paedophile emperor who ordered him. You know, unlike athletics where they set the difficulty the flip and they need to land it, That was like a high difficulty. Yeah I think you smacked your ball on the bar. Yeah. You know what I mean? No it doesn't matter. You know what? peopleople't like Epste for many reasons? Yes ye But he looked good. He did. Not enough people say it. That's true. Like so many things. I am a salmon swimming upstream, complimenting that man for how he dressed. Anyway U So Caligulular appoints Claudius who is his uncle Y as a consul. Now I can't remember what a conssoul is, but it's a thing. It's an important thing in the setting up of in the running of country Now I get a bit confused with Caligula and Nero because they're both just doing mad stuff. But Caligula was mad of than Nero. Nero was the populist there kidy one Yeah, Nero fiddles while Rome burned. Caligula made his consularular horse. And Caligula was the sex best who fucked everyone's wife.ight E everyone's wife, even during dinner. He'd be having a cabinet meeting and then he'd like, wait it, and he'd just go and fuck someone's head she'd come up with ruffled hair. Any blter? Six one ten. It seems like there', you know,'s porn scenes dner and then like yes, she's out of the table I don't I don't really watch it Explain, explain There's like the they're having like pasta and the grandma's over and so's the dad, but then him and his sister They're under the table at it And I imagine that's what it was like with the Caligula where he's just like shagging people while they' having like big meetings. Or it be like under the table with Or it be like the wife is asking the husband how his day is this cucky guy is like fillding around cupards. Yeah. and she's just getting plowed with a guy with a balac cllava. while she's also from behind. And she's just like, yeah, Yeah I mean, that is acting to be fair to those women acting. that's great acting. when they're like, Ohh no, I had a great day and Yeah're having to im with their eyes they're having to imbue pleasure and also fear Fantastic. Fantastic stuff Yeah What what a woman can do an actress can do with their eyes, you know, What about the men sorry, Do you think there'sen don't get theen don't get talk about enough. They don't get the credit They're just kind of dogs. A the p at porn conferences apparently it's very sad the men's tables. And he went this year to theen to the Bendover was going to be there. Do you ever Bendover? You talk me about Bend Doover? He is the he's better known for his I nearly went to Bendver was Bend Doover But I was there What's he got? He began producing the Bendoververs Kick Asass Angeal Adventure series. I not a kids I can imain this stuff as if I've heard of it Well, the kick say in Avenger series. I'm sorry, that's the exact producer. How'd you know Bendover? He's Tiger Drew Honey's dad. You know outnumbered? No really? Dennis? Y No. s. Dennis, is execut producer on there. O the anal Aventures series Tiger Drew Honey, who's the young big girl. The main son in outnumbered. the oldest son in outnumbered. The son or the daughter. This guy. Oh my God. Tget of your, honey. His dad is Ben Over, who's done a lot of film making And I was going to go meet him and maybe make a video with it, notot a porn video, for view from a bridge I we would be interested to go to the Porn Awards, I guess. Yeah of A unique vibe. I don't think we're nominated this year Yeah And if we are, something's going quite wrong with this show, I think Iing this is a fucking disgrace Yeah we don't win B best gang bang. W wouldould that snink the company? C you know how like Skepta did a porn note, did you hear about this ratio? No, I didn'tar about this Skeetta did a por note. but didn't sink his. I don't have Google notifications for porn news, Charlie. I about you. Aross. wouldould it snink the company if we made a porn note, but if it was like beautiful If it was like incredible. I think it's what people want I would love to see an expression of art. It'd be interesting to see the live Patreon ticker Watch the video we could make that would make it go down the fastter It's quite hard to lose patrons. P It seems. Yeahep at a terrifying rate. it's growing. So please don't subscribe anymore. it's getting embarrassed. It's boring behind that payball. We're not having the best time. It's awful But yeah, because people forget to unsubscribe to patrons, I do wonder. Don't remind them. What would you have to no, we got two too many It's uncissed. It is unciss. It is vulgar. It is vulgar. Patron is vulgar. It wouldd be classy if it was like a like I think maybe like six or seven thousand is like It's a classiness that Matoria. Yeah. it's a closness to it. There's like an elite group. There's an exclusivity to it. Yes. This is any old fuced slot. It is It is. It's pigs. It's aword. It's not It is. Yeah.'re trying to take over Afghanistan.'. it doesn't feel like the most discerning patron when this many people can connect with what we're doing We've done something wrong. We haveven' done something wrong. It's too popular. We've opened the gate. And now the only future is for us to keep going. Until we hit was it Taliban? one hundred twenty gam hundred twenty We're at the El Salvador Dorian meegarison at the minute. Currently. We're mainly in El Salv. This is what the patron is mainly in El Salvador It is. Anyway, look we are going to see if you want to help us take on the Taliban in order to make life even worse for Afghan women then join the page and I think sucribe toour list. think must subscribe. We must finish story Caligula is in power He has made Claudius his nephew onene of the highest elected magistrates in Rome. Claudius is now in the system. So he appointed Claudius because Caliculular is as he said is the showman, he wants to humiliate Is he the shan Nero is the showan? They're bothanoth showans Nero is the one who does the chariot racing. Yes. Right Anway. Be madder Yes, but Caligo is the one doing the kind of big public shows, the sexicals, the fake battles and all that. So But he gets Caligulo gets Claudius there because he he's the one who makes humiliates the Senate more than anyone. Yes Right. And he thinks Claudus is funny. funny to have his Cereeral Palsy shrivellling or uncle Tout or uncle but make him. in the way that married his horse was like, well, I'm make the horse consult. this fucking idiot will be one of my counselors because he's stupid and ye, you know, no one will ever respect him. He would throw olive stones at. Um so but Claudius Iaimed that he playing along and undermining his own intelligence I' not feeling a threat. Yeah. No one forpect for the fabled uncle. Yeah. But the point is that his visible afflictions arguably keep him alive under anyone else would be a threat Exactly being killed. Anyone related this closely related to the Julian Claudian line, ladies Anyway In the a thirty eight, Claudius marries his third wife, Valeria Messalina. Claudus is nearly fifty, Messalina is eighteen. Wuffus? Yes. Now she Wuffus Grandus Oh. Now she we'll get into more in the second episode. She's hilarious. I mean as if this gu' a great woman. She's a terrific woman. If if this poor cut hadn't had it bad enough with' the ltery of his disabilities that he's won Yeah and you know, the fact the son dies in a p of cuckle timer, like the goat of being cucked in the grand scheme of all time c. His numbers don't lie. He's Michael Jordan of getting cucked Yeah because she is his Scottty Pippin. Yeah. All right. U You can't have Jordan without the rest of that team. Yeah. And there's a guy, Tyiq toald me this. Do you know that there's a guy called Ste Kerr who's in thatZ This is Tyreq told me this. Is he the one white guy in? Yeahah. Yeah. He's got a brother. Do you know his first name is? What Nick Now Tyi toald me that Okay He thought it was funny. Was he the Bafterters? No, he wasn't at the Bfterters You were shouting at the bathom. It's like you know the portit Steve. St shs downam. L Dke M me said the full day next. Anyway So U now wow, Mesalina and Claudus would have two children, Claudia and Britannicus. On the twenty fourth of january, forty one Caligulular meets his end in a corridor Praetorian Gards hacking him to death? Be he just he hadd taken the piss too much. Yes, he had to tak the piss too much. And all the power, which has become clear, when you're wondering how do people take power, it's all about having the Praettorian guard on your side. That seems to be the fundamental way. If you want to take control take control the Praettorian guard, the only people are allowed swords in the city And and basically if if you're in the pocket if they're in your pocket, you can take over basically. So Claudius witnesses the assassination supposedly and is terrified hiding behind a palace curtainuck fuck us Now Petorian guard spots Claudus' feet poking out from behind the cure and drags him out So Claudius falls to his knees to be for mercy. dribbling. dribbling and laughing.uck fuck us And everyone thinks, well this guy's going to be executed. Yeah And yet instead, God. because it salutes him. as The new Now what has gone on here We will deal with them. To Fuckers which is already on our Patreon. We for three pounds a month You can sign up to become part of this vulgar class of new money, Katana wielding Ada, Trash they are trash. It's trash to join our patron And we're biggest in the UK. And it's just a matter of time. We're big We're bigger than ISIS. Yes. We're bigger than Hamas and we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban. Blew Hezbollah out the window.z the fuck fuck off Hezbollah. Nothing So join the patron to get instant access to the rest of the story and our bonus this week is on Hercules. The original is so much better than the Disney version, my go. That's all on the patreon U If not we will see you on Thursday for the continuation of the story of Claudius. Good night now Goodbye, goodbye