Stage Habits and Final Plugs

Hey, before we jump back into the show, let's take a quick break. All right, not just any break. This is a refreshing break with Snapple. We all know about Snapple's iconic real facts. So let's take a minute to go over some of my faves. Snapple Real Fact four fifty-five. Movie trailers used to come on at the end of the movies, but no one stuck around to watch them. I've heard that. Snapple Real Fact 831. Adults laugh only about fifteen to a hundred times a day while, preschoolers laugh an average of three hundred times a day. Snapple real fact, nineteen eighty-three. The first player drafted to play pro football never played in the league. That's interesting . Uh Snapple Real Fact 1274. Kickball is referred to as soccer baseball in some parts of Canada. Hmm. So grab a Snapple. Take a second. Enjoy the moment. Because let's be honest, this might be the most refreshing part of your day. Snapple, make your break more interesting. You know we're supported by ring. Everyone knows ring. Uh with ring, it's protected. Look, a lot of our shops An alarming amount, an embarrassing amount. I'm talking everything from late night snack hauls to random gadgets we absolutely don't need, but somehow have to have. And when you're recording or just out and about the, last thing you want to be wondering is did my package get delivered or adopted by someone else? That's a ring comes in. The battery doorbell lets you keep track of packages and actually see what's happening at your front door. No guessing, no stress. And if you want to really level your setup, the outdoor cam plus has a wide field of view with that crisp retinal two K video. So even at night, your yard isn't getting away with anything You can even upgrade to four K cameras and doorbells with rings, retinal vision, which means super clear footage and the ability to zoom in without everything turning into a blurry mess perfect for identifying whether that's your package or your neighbor pretending it's theirs. For me it's just peace of mind, whether it's packages, yeah. eye on things when you're busy, your dog, whatever. Ring makes it easy and reliable. Your door, your yard, your home. Honestly it's the only way I know what I panic bought at two AM. And with Ring, it's protected. Shop cameras, doorbells, and more right now at ring.com. I did a hike with Lynn Manuel Manuel Miranda, you know, who wrote Hamilton. Yeah, yeah. I was using uh one of those um you know mics that you hook to your collar or whatever. Lavel or something. It was the first time. Yeah, first time I was using it. And we finished the hike and I forgot to take his off. So I'm walking. It took me like a half hour to get to him. And I know that everything he said is on that recorder for that half hour. And I never listened to it because I didn't want to know. Could we listen to it? Here's here's something if you want to get brought down a lot is go on uh chat GBT and ask the question, uh are you handsome? No. Is Dana Kirby handsome? And see what they say. My son did that. My son did that to me. And it said well you know it depends on what you mean by handsome. You know. I just saw Kevin Nealon last night drive up to Tommy store and ignore me. Um Huh . No, I was talking to someone, I'm like, there's Kevin. He's too tall to talk to, especially with all these witnesses . So I was gonna go bust his balls a little bit, but he parked and walked the other way into the front of the comedy store, which no one does. And uh always funny. What can we say about Kevin Nealan? We I always give him compliments when I see him because I remember probably fifty of his jokes and I say 'em all the time. Yeah, loosen the crotch, you will talk about that a little bit. That's the special. It's on YouTube, Crushing It. He's got the hiking YouTube show, hiking with Kevin Nealon. He's got his paintings of Saturday Night Live people that you can order. It's called a great name. Isn't it called my brush with fame? I think so. That a great name, Heather. Mm-hmm . So this is our pal. So we just joke around and kid around and um move around and go around. This is the kind you just sit back and listen to us bullshit and try to we try to crack each other up. That's that's pretty much it. It's all but those are the really fun. Yeah. So here's some blood Kevin Nilon. My partner in crime in Hansen Franz. If you don't watch this one, it's on you. So long, losers . Kevin Elon Freshen up Slap yourself in the face as hard as you can. Man, oh man. What a morning. I know that it's usually like there's probably nothing going on. You're gonna do the podcast Well you had to what you had to drive someone to an appointment and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive uh Susan to a doctor's appointment. But you know, you you we made these so far in advance and then you know my calendar doesn't show my whole page, you know, on my phone. And then I think, yeah, I could drive you, I could drive you. And then oh oh you scroll down that day and it says more stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're coming out with a new chess, kind of a new kind of chess game, and it's just it's a board, but you can see all this scheduling stuff that goes on in the back and forth the emails. Might be useful. Yeah, because it's like I wrote a manifesto because I'm gonna go to LA, do podcasts, and then go to New York and back. And I wrote a manifesto. It's like, okay, spillover bag, leaving car in LA, three shirts to New York. Okay, remember and then egg salad for the flight. No, it's and then all the rest. Yeah. Who told you that? Claude. Uh no, it's Claude's Claude's sister, Claudette. You know what Claude is ? Claude. Um it could be something that happens from a bear. Yeah. It's an AI . That's close. Oh yeah, I do know what that is. Yeah. I do know what that is. Because we were saying Dane was saying that his friend writes with Claude and I was thinking Talks to Claude. That's not a bad idea. If you're writing, not like have a whole script written by AI , but you go, Oh, I have a writing partner that when I wake up at five AM I'm like, Oh, they will write with me now. We don't have to wait. Well, he's talking to him while he drives and they're writing and Claude says, Okay, and then Claude they come up with three ideas. He goes, How about the second one? Claude writes all three out within twenty seconds and reads them to him. So do you guys know what a Claude Hopper is? A Claude Hopper? Yeah, I've heard of it. You don't? It goes from one clod to another? It's a it's it's it's clod. Clawed with a a pretty good vertical. It's a clod hopper. Is it still clod like a bear? We st or we pass. No, didn't you stall didn't you call people clodhoppers as a kid? Yeah, I like it. Uh dirt clod was a big thing when I grew up. And Arizona is a lot of dirt clods. My brother Scott once said that what what we are is hybrid apes on a dirt clod in space. That's humans on Earth. Hybrid Yeah. Maybe he that's him with stiff black coffee. No, you know, uh I know uh a friend of mine has a uh a mistress that's AI and talks to her all the time, uh, you know, a pod, and uh no a bot I mean a bot and it's almost like she knows everything about him. How was your meeting today? Uh-huh. And was was Gerald there? And did you get the the uh contract signed? That's nice. And are you going back to that uh restaurant tonight? When are you going back there? So his wife found out and she got very jealous and she said you gotta at least change the voice to a man's voice. So that's kind of like a bot blocker right there. Yeah. Bot blocker all the fucking that's the Joaquin Phoenix movie, her, where he gets obsessed with the audio bot No, or is it just a voice? I don't know. Maybe you can get that too, but I know. I kind of think you do know, Kevin. I don't want to well it changes the whole it changes my whole perception when it's a man's voice, like a flamboyant man or something, you know. Uh yeah. So it's like it's uh I tell you this whole AI thing, man, it's getting carried away. It's getting carried away. But you know, Kevin, do you think you could teach a female voice to feign interest in your day somehow with AI? Of course you can do that. Yeah. What if it goes, I can't do that? I can't be interested more than three days in a row. Let's get back to writing that script, Sarah. In fact, why don't you do most of the work? I'll check it out. They don't complain. They never get tired. I mean it's the greatest thing ever, but AI might be on something. Yeah, it's like it's gonna solve energy, it's gonna save the planet. You guys will see. I'm gonna put 100 into AI. Let it ride. I do rely on it a lot though. Anytime I have a question, like, you know, what you know, how do I fix this or what's, you know, the population of Chicago? Anything, you know. That's very convenient. Let me ask you guys a question . So I'm on Google. I didn't remember signing signing up for their AI, Gemini , but I'll do an email chain and then I'll just see a summary on top. Mark Kurvitz said this, this, and then in fainter font in the bottom, it has me responding and it sounds like me. Futures here, fellas. Oh, it gives you a possible answer. Yeah. For talking like me, because it has attitude in there . Well, once it confused one of our meal ch uh uh chains, it started talking like you and I go, No, no, I don't wanna sound like an idiot. Dude, I try to get Syrian elected to a threesome . Anyway, what else is going on? Well, who hasn't? But anyway, how Kevin Nealan is our guest. That's our cold opening with Kevin Nealan, our longtime friend, colleague, one of the one of the greats, one of the funniest. Yeah, business acquaintance. Um What's up with you? I mean, are you um where are you where? What what you what do you got? What do you got for us? What's what's in your lot I got a lot going on. And first of all, it's good to see you guys and to talk to you. You know, people always ask me, they say who do you see? Like you s who do you see anymore? Do you see uh your you know, your cast from SNL? I said, Well yeah, I see Dana I talk to Dana a lot and I see Sp ade, you know, here and there and um, you know the from the initial cast, you know, that's not to mention all the other things. Do you talk to Dennis I'd haven't seen Dennis lately. I'll see uh Love It's rarely. Hello. Hello. But that's about it. I haven't seen Victoria or Nora around. No. You were that tight little cast too. You could actually keep track of them. We were we were tight. It was a tight little I mean it was a was it seven, eight, nine, how many people seven, I think. Seven, eight, including Whitney. Hey, Whitney Brown. I knew you wouldn't like it. I just didn't know. Should we tell would should we tell the listeners that joke that he did forever that always killed? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The guy comes up to him. Yeah, I took his. I took my dog to a movie. A guy comes up and says, I can't believe your dog is watching the movie. And I said, I know he hat ed the book . That's not bad. It was a great joke. The other one he had was, and I don't have the the numbers right here, but you could get the idea of it. You know , there's uh five billion people that live in China. So even if you're uh like a one and a thousand kind of guy, there's two hundred and fifty million people just like you something like that so okay so I have a special it's out now it's called um loosen the crotch.' Its on YouTube. Loosen the Crotch. Yeah. 800 pound Gorilla Platform. Oh, 800-pound gorilla. Okay. We haven't done a special in about 10 years . And I told Spade this. I said, you know, before I was doing it, I was looking for a backdrop, you know, like what what what are people using, like curtains is it, or is some kind of a and I'm scrolling through the zillions of comics that are on Netflix and I come across Spade and my opening joke was one that he was doing already but he expounded on it it was much more detailed mine was a hit and run so parallel development yeah. so So yeah all of a sudden I had to drop my opening joke that gave me all the confidence that worked so hard. Oh no . It worked so well. It was basically, you know, uh you'll remember this babe. Um and I don't know if it was a current special or what, but I said this woman comes up to me at my hotel. And um she's one of these people who likes to warn you that she's a hugger. She goes, I'm a hugger. I said, I'm a kisser. Yeah. I guess so David David David, how did yours go? Was it It was something like that? It was during COVID. So I said, are you still allowed in this day and age to just be a hugger because you announce it like I'm a hugger and I go, I'm an ass grabber, then I go, I'm a come on, I'm a camel toe grazer. I always have been fucking bumper crotch . So they were they were slightly I know that that got me . That's a little that's where you go. This is gonna be a roller coaster. Let's take a short break for the I will say Kevin is not dirty and sometimes I get a little dirty, but Kevin just relies on clean actual jokes. Innuendo . Yeah. And uh and he smiles a lot during his jokes and it puts the crowd at ease. Right. He sneaks up on them. It distracts them. I've been I've been told that my comedy sneaks up on people. You know. But um because you're saying it so casually and it's it I mean the one that's famous, it's all it's huge on YouTube is stay away from the blacks, which is uh talk a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And that that really is kinda like such a clever way to and do you wanna explain it so we people don't think it's Well uh yeah, yeah. But before I do that, I just wanna say that I posted something a while ago last week that I've never had so many hits on it. It's like almost thirty million people have seen it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a basic. I went into the Museum of Modern Art and it was a star night painting. I saw it. Oh that thing on fire. I saw that. Yeah and I just you know I I uh it was during COVID area so I had the mask on and I it was standing in front of Starry Night painting by this Van Gogh and he asked this kind of snooty art snob next to me. I said, is this a famous painting? She was, yes. Yes, it's Starry Night. I said, oh, and how much are they selling it for? She goes, it's not for sale. That thing would cost you like hundreds of millions of dollars. I said, okay. And what's the guy's name? It's a Bengo. She said, Van, what ? She goes, oh my God. It's like you don't know who uh uh oh excuse me, is this like an adult that painted it or was a child? She goes uh it's like you don't lisa is and she wow, she left. Wow. But so it's funny what people like on uh on on the I saw that in I instantly thought that's a perfect area for you to be in. And I actually thought to myself we go to Ted Serrando's, it's called Kevin Nealand, Man About Town, and it's you just doing that kind of lo-fi kind of camera stuff. We didn't even see you in the video. Right. Which just we heard you. Which is funny because they believe it's just a a regular dumb shit going like that, what is what are they charging for that? Like a couple thousand? Like if it they sold it? Yeah. No, I've already I've already thought about Dana. Uh that my next thing is gonna be the Hollywood sign. I'm gonna go up behind it. You know, yeah, why why do people what's the point? Oh no no no no you gotta go around the other side to to look at it. I say yeah but there's fences so you can't go around the other side. So Yeah. How how what's your favorite letter? You know, what um do is this where the actors come to get to become a celebrity? Do they have to touch it or something? What is the deal? You know they do movie premieres here? Yeah. Yeah, the s same attitude. That guy's a Midwest attitude. Yeah. But the uh the black thing was um I said, you know I I here's the bit actually. I'll condense it a little bit. When I first started skiing, I didn't know um anything about it. I didn't know they labeled the trails for difficulty, you know, like they had the uh greens for the uh easy and the blues intermediates, you know, the blacks, yeah difficult. And um I pulled into this convenience store and I asked the guy behind the counter in in the mountains there. I said, What what's the best mountain to go skiing out around here? I don't know anything about these. He goes, Well, I like Copper Mountain. He said, but you know, a lot of people don't like Copper Mountain because of uh all the bla cks . And I go, what? He goes, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of blacks over there. And he's talking about the ski, you know, the ski runs. I know. He goes, uh but he said, I don't mind the blacks. I have a lot of fun with them they're they're a lot of fun but they will beat you up they'll definitely beat you up um and uh very difficult some of them not very well groomed now my sister went down in a black and she's never come back again. She was like last year. But you know, went this far. That got longer. I didn't know that far. If if you want the good if you want the good powder, that's where you gotta go. So that was the big completely innocent bill.. Yeah, the good white power Just about ski ski runs. There was also the guy warned me about some black ice outside. Some black ice. I wouldn't slip on it . Black ice. I just want to see you with just like yeah, m monuments. Like Golden Gate Bridge. I mean, what it's what what's that about? What's that for? I mean why Yeah, where does that does that go to Europe? How far how far uh does that go? And it's orange. It's quite frankly it's orange, yeah. Yeah. It's not a good thing golden. And and do you think that uh it's impossible for that to stay up? I mean it's there's no way that can stay up, is there across the the water there? How many people got out of Alcatraz by using that bridge? You know ? Just stupid questions. Just the dumb guy. Yeah, just annoying man kind of summer is finally here and honestly completely changes the way I look at my closet. I find myself reaching for those things that are lighter, obviously more breathable. Absolutely. Pieces that feel easy but still look polished enough for meeting or a patio hang. That's why I'm such a fan of Quince. They specialize in high-quality essentials like soft organic cotton, airy linen. Feels nice without that staggering luxury markup. I'm with you. 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So we thought we'd help everybody make the most of it before Orc and Pros try to ruin our fun. Remember, if you have standing water on your lawn, uh from the pool or the sprinkler, just let it sit there. The more the merrier. When there's standing water, there'll be more mosquitoes. Plenty more. Next up is a bit of a hot take, but we're so hyped on it. Let mosquitoes inside. What could go wrong? Just let us inside, please. Thanks. Love ya. Finally, the number one rule this summer is do not under any circumstances speak to anybody from Oracon. That is literally so cringe and will ruin the vibe of any get-together we might be having. Take it from a mosquito. Orchan pros know literally everything about us, period. Don't visit Orkin dot com for a free estimate today. Now let's go suck some blood. Now let's go sox and blood. Number one with a blood bullet . So you asked me what I have coming up and there's a movie coming out um soon in the next week or so called Merma id that I um play a part in. You know Mermaid? Uh Johnny Mermaid isn't Kirk Fox. I saw Kirk . Kirk Fox, yeah. Robert Patrick. Um or is it Patrick Robert? I think it was Robert Patrick. It's a couple of these people have the same uh first you know, different first names for the firm like uh Jeff Jeff Jeffreys , I think that right? Yeah. Or people like that. Anyway. Um, yeah, so it's a really cool movie. It's kind of a thriller. It's kind of like um Splash on um you know . Well, yeah, is there a mermaid version? What what's the mermaid? There's a mermaid mermaid. But it's not your typical mermaid. It's a real mer it's it's not your typical mermaid. The merma the mermaid, uh when you see it, it's I don't want to give away the the thing but the face is totally distorted and it's almost alien like it's very scary. But it opens up with Tom Arnold on a big yacht. It's nighttime and he's shrinking, hey buddy, hey buddy. And he's drinking. And he hears a noise in one of the dinghies in the back of this big yeah. That's with a tarp. And he goes under it and he looks at it. And what he sees horrifies him. So he takes his shotgun, he shoots the mermaid. No it falls over. So it's wounded. It's not dead. And the mother's with it. And um the thing washes up to the shore. I don't wanna tell you I don't wanna give you the whole movie because but anyway it's been it's about um um this guy this percocet addict played by Johnny Pemberton who rescues the mermaid takes it in keeps it in his bathtub keeps it hopped up on Percocet and um and at the same time the mermaid . And at the same time, he's being um chased by uh this kind of like drug ie, drug guy who he owes him money. So he kind of it's the whole movie is kind of like him trying to escape from that guy and also get the mermaid bananas away from these people Well is it hard to find a real mermaid to be in the movie or you know the thing is No no there are diamond dozen man. You see them everywhere. They're like dolphins. You get a real mermaid, you're in the movie, then you go, wait, this is a real movie. This this mermaid is worth more than us doing the movie when you cast it, you know . You have to wear a flipper if you're who played the mermaid? Daryl Hannah Shirley McLean oddly . Shirley McLean. Shirley McLean. Yeah, yeah. Well who voiced the mermaid? What the does mermaid talk about? Oh Deborah Winger . That's not it's AT. She did E.T. as well. That's the rumor that she did E.T. For real ? Deb Deb Debbie Debbie Winger? Oh no, Dana knows her from the fucking Travolta sketch. Oh my god, here we go. Yeah. No ride that bull with me sometime. Even I think slack so weird. I mean weird is the word for people out there who still harbor a desire to do a great job for Volta. It's slack Slack really weird That's him from the nineteen seventies. John, if you're listening, come on and send me a little bit. It was quite I saw a clip of it on TikTok. I don't remember. Have you ever seen a sketch where you don't really remember everything about it? I'm like Of course. There's too many. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't win it. I'm like we did a pre-tape or walking down the street, like all tough. I don't remember. Let me ask you guys a question. On YouTube, SNL, what's your biggest banger in terms of views? Which sketch? Ooh. It maybe you don't know. Yeah, from when you were on SNL. I mean, and also it can be just one that you remember that got maybe because I have one in mind that got way more than I thought it would ever get. I'm at Kevin's. Well that's definitely a big one. Yeah. If that counts. Or Cantora. You know, El Bemis. Bemis Bellissimo. Sworld Faye and Sailor. Yeah. They were these Italian waiters. Kirsty Allen and I were on a date. Dana. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Dana was in it too. Yeah. You were dry humping Victoria on the table behind us. Yeah. Right. That was that was illegal. I had her legs up, but it was crazy. I don't know how we got a lot away with a lot of stuff back then. Well, Smygle was told by the Census Soup guy not to do that for the air show. And he faked like he was trying to signal me right before three, two, one, go. I see him kind of waving. I just ignored it. But yeah, that was uh you know perspective of Kevin is the date. I didn't even remember that. Yeah, Christy Alley. Who said, Yeah, can I lick your face? Oh, totally for sure. She was so gung-ho. This was flattering that March Marcello from SNL was doing an Italian waiter type sketch, I think with Pat Padro Pedro Mascell. And so they said, look at this sketch as a kind of context, the one that you were in with me and stuff. And he said, yes, it was better than ours. And we all said at the same time, well we got away with so much well got away. You could do a different stratum of comedy back then. You know, as well. I mean look at the penis sketch, you know? Hey, nice penis, Ted. Denver, huh? That's a good penis town. Yeah. Is that what you said? That's a nut it was a nudist colony and there was a fence. So we were all bare chested. Tom Hanks was in it, Kevin. Oh, and we were all just commenting on hey, terrific penis. I mean it went on for like eight minutes. The most penises in any sketch in history, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dan and I ha also had an idea. Um we used to kind of riff in our uh Dana would stay over the garage sometimes when he came down from San Francisco. He had a studio apartment up there in this house we we rented. But we would be out in the driveway a lot and we would ref on ideas, you know, for characters before either one of us got SN L. And one of the one of the characters were these two porn actors getting made up, sitting in the director's chair in front of the mirrors and the the makeup art, the fluffers were in and they were working down there. And we'd be just talking regularly like hey uh you know so Ted, what are you doing tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah, you know, I don't know, just gonna hang out, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, give me a give me a little more sparkle on the left side for the people. Everything was for the people. Fluff it up real nice for the people. And we did ended up doing it on SNL one time. Right? We did it on SNL. Did we really? I don't even remember. Maybe it didn't make it to air. Yeah, we were bare chested. Yeah, fluff it up real nice. And then we started talking about planting down there. Make a little shrubbery around it, you know. Yeah, yeah. Put some uh put some uh spots stripes on the side just to make it look like it's going faster, you know? For the people. For the people . Yeah, we had that was that didn't go anywhere, but we have to you have a probably lately had Kevin on Twitter. Um Dana doesn't look at Twitter as much. I follow Kevin Nealon. It's called X, sorry . It's called Twitter. Sorry. Oh wait, it's called X. They just changed that five hundred years ago. So yeah, I see a lot of hear me now and believe me later and it's good. I no one's I love a little a good Hans and Franz. So I'm Well we had more fun. We had so much fun writing those two characters as Dana will attest. I mean we couldn't I mean uh I never had more fun with a character than writing those two. No, I still find that the fun well because what Lauren once said to me, it's like it's all about uh who's who's uh you know the most badass bad you know I'm better than you but secretly embedded in it which was a notion that when Kevin and I are riffing was their defensiveness and that's first we were just doing it, we pump you up this and that. This is how riffing on the phone. And then Kevin spontaneously just said and if you don't believe that we could do this So that unraveled a million jokes because then we were had imaginary enemies assuming they're not respecting us and then saying these torturous things we would do if we we could very easily find them and do these things. And that's to me I've never gotten tired of that part of it. We are actually threatening to torture people. Yeah. I mean the one line that I don't know who thought this one, but it never it was a perfect Hansen Franz. Your badiks are like marshmallows, you're lucky we don't have a campfire here. So to unpack that is your bicycle like this and we are going to light your ass on fire, right? Is what they're saying. Take it alone . Right? We'll make some s'alls out of you. Yeah, that's right. You know, but you know in in in in the long run, they would never do that. They would be too scared and offensive. Oh no, they it was all a threat. It never never left the studio. Empty threats. Empty threats. Yeah. I'll take that mic stand, like your little skinny arms, and snap it. Another one I liked was like we could very easily strap the uh shape this flab and your back into a rope ladder so you could climb down into the sewer because that's where losers live . So it was like complete abstract, torturous . I just like that everything is easy for them. Like it wouldn't be hard at all. Do you remember the Arnold one that Arnold could very easily with his little finger? And so there's flying across the room, so you land in your own baby poop. Baby po op . I could very easy flip and you fly across the room and land your own baby poop. It's it's just poetry, I'm sorry. It's it's we we're gonna uh by the way, we should plug. We're gonna do a couple of dates, uh one in um southern Washington near Portland. I don't know the name of the town, and then we're going to do an outdoor concert at the Seattle Zoo, uh Day on the Green. So Kevin and I, we will Hans and Franz will definitely uh appear. Yeah, because I want to make jokes about Seattle. The space needle, you say it's so large. We could use it like a little toothpick. It doesn't even make sense. I would use that COVID jab . If the lion in the cage over there was to be released , he would be snapped into flub ber more quickly than you could say flubber flab . That's where data's data's character became kind of, I don't know what it is. I got really bored. The Puget sounds should be called pun y sound . 'Cause th they're so bad and their their their puns and uh threats are so uh ridiculous and there's they're so self satisfied about that. You guys roast Seattle. Hans and Braun's roast Seattle. Yeah. Sorry about the homeless situation, but at least some of them have muscles . Everyone goes too far. Doesn't even make sense. What about yeah Were you in bad idea jeans uh I see that one I know Phil I know Mike. We were all sitting on bleachers about You know what I think I was I think I I think I might have been in there. Why don't you chat GBT? I feel like you were, but they don't think Dana was. But I see that sometimes. Bad Idea Jeans was a good funny one. I don't know if it was Jack Handy or if it was um Smigleman. There was one Kevin and I did with Rob Schneider that it casually would pop up and then it was like I don't know, three or four years ago it was it was at sixteen million, but in the f in the last two years or so it's gone up to twenty one Oh, is it the security? Security guards with Sharon Stone doing so inappropriate and I miss that inappropriate comedy and they 're playing an Indian guy. You know, so who cares ? They should they should be able to go back and you know, cancel you for different things you did thirty years ago. You know, like the uh Asian guy and the Indian guy. Ching Change, the uh Asian gentleman and horrible name. Well, it well, it didn't harbor. I stand by it because it had no stereotypes. There was no stereotypes in it. There's no stereotype for a man who comes to America to sell pet chickens but loves them so much he doesn't want anyone to buy them. Nothing negative. He's happy. Yeah. What about you? Yeah. David, what's your most risky bit? Mine age well on edge. I was the edgy comic available. You were you were so edgy that Eddie Murphy threatened you. Oh yeah. Okay, yeah. I mean I I've seen Hollywood Minute Bits on TikTok or wherever and I was like, ay, ay, aye. Like some of them . It's hard to draw the line between clever and then a little too mean. And I think Downey sometimes will ask when he comes on would push me a little bit. You what are you scared to go after this guy? And I'm like, now you're getting your anger at celebrities. But then they always they hide in the shadows. And then it's like even Ching Changed was Dana Carve. First time I got a writer's credit. Dana Carvey's Ching change character, most racist thing. And I never got a writing credit till that time. Now you're the guy. I have a funny story about Kevin that remember when I got attacked in my house . It's not a hundred percent your fault, but I don't think I don't think it's Well, should we fill in the listeners or they all know about the attack in the house? So I got attacked. By the way, by the way, before you start this, I'm writing a list of things that people are telling about me stories to have at my eulogy, at my memorial, that people can talk about. You gotta mix it up . Mixed it up. Uh so I I This was during a hike on the hike we were on. Like I did. Did I tell you the story? Yeah. I told it to you already? On that on that hike, hiking with Kevin. Oh, really? Which you both have been on. I see. I see that had different hikers since I thought it sort of I was the grand finale, but nope. The one off. Kept it going. There's still you have some good guests on there. You have some interesting guests. Yeah, Tom Hanks did it recently and Brian Cranston. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of good guests. Julian Lennon. Julian Lennon. Was it Julian Lennon? My favorite question asked Julian was um, um, who's your favorite beetle? He looked at me for a long time. And my favorite question for Caitlin Jenner was, Kaitlin. matter what they answer, it's a funny setup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Theo asked uh Neil deGrasse the other guy goes, Do you think space is gay? And he's like, well Theo, I I haven't gotten that question before. You know, it's like so I know they're serious. I haven't thought he answers yet. Or just funny. Uh yeah. So the quick story was I got a guy that I worked with came in and had I had a disagreement with him in my house . But the disagreement was he was when Joe Dirt was printed out. He worked with me. So when someone works you there , he's printing out the scripts to go out, but he read it, and so he goes, Can I have dibs on this part? Now he had an acted, he done a little comedy improv and he wanted to get into comedy, but that awkward thing where you're like, okay, I want to help you, and I was new at having someone work with me. And he goes, it's not a big deal. It's like three pages or four pages, which is a big deal. It's not two lines. Three, four pages. That's a lot. Yeah. And he and he didn't have any experience, but I said, if I can, I said, I will try. Because I see him every second or every day. So how can I just go fuck no? Which I just should have. So here comes the movie, we're casting it. And then at the a toward the end it's still open because we're not actively trying to cast it because I'm bananas for doing this, keeping it open. 'Cause we want every best person for the part. So Sandler calls up and says, Hey, I think Kevin Nealon would be good. Oh yeah, hello . Um would be good for uh the guy that works at the junkyard or whatever that impounds your car. And I go, Oh, that'd be great. He said, Can I tell him? I said, Yeah, 100%. So I tell the guy, hey, listen, it's not going to work out. He's like, What the fuck? That's the first sign of trouble. He got really mad. I go, Oh oh. Well, well listen. He goes , tell Sandler now. I go, I I'm listen ing here's he's producing the movie. He's the reason it got made, and Kevin Nealan's great. There's nothing wrong with this situation. Like unfortunately it didn't work out, but maybe the next one we can doggy or something. But couldn't you find a little thing for him? Couldn't you shoe on some 'cause in Tommy Boy he had something, but it I think it was just a reaction shot. He worked for Pete Siegel, the director. That's how I met him. So anyway, that's already listen, the red flag store is running out of business at this point because we just there's so many red flags I just disregard. Then I'm in editing the night before it happens. Kevin does it. We're watching his part. He's like, that's the guy that fucked me. And I'm like the this is not a realistic uh language I didn't know this. I didn't know this until years later when you finally told me. I know. I said I know. I shield you guys. I shield you from the world. So anyway, that night is when it happened. But it was just a normal situation where he should have said, Hey, you know, Kevin's great. And Kevin was great. And so all in all , it's not all Kevin's fault, but it's like 99 %. That's all . I don't know why you promised him the role, man. You should never promise him the role. That was that was I didn't promise. I said, listen, these things are tricky. You never know. That's a kind of that's a that's a promise in Hollywood. Yeah, it is, it is, it is. Yeah, every day's like so it's still open. So you're not reading people for that. I'm like, I don't fucking I'm already in the weeds, I got bigger fish to fry. And finally I'm like, oh, it might shake out. Another promise . And then uh I'm like egging it on, going, I know Kevin Nealon. I don't know why. He's he did this on purpose to you. Why aren't sharp elbows? Kevin wanted it. What are I gonna do to him? He's beat me up with his baby. Yeah, why didn't you go after Kevin? We got some questions from the crowd. But but you're you're kind of you're kind of like you know missing the lead part of the story is how um violent he reacted to that to you yes yes i so when the it built up that 'cause the first sign is when he says, Tell Adam, what the fuck? Tell him no. Call him right now. Tell him no. Fuck that. It's not his movie. I go. It who would say that? I go Adam can ask anything, but he's really hands off. He's saying, This is your movie. You you and Fred wrote it. Do do your best with it. If you need help, tell me. But we had Oh you and Fred wrote it. Okay. Freddie Wolf. Hey, hey David, you're funny. You're you're good, you're good too. I don't know. David, uh can we get can Kevin not do it and Skippy can do it? Because I'm sort of managing Skippy right now. That was uh really good. Not not really good. You're good. You're you're not talking one second. I just want to tell Dana one thing. Yeah. He's also the uh Fred Fred Wolf is also the um uh disclaimer guy. You know, uh I I I I didn't ask you because and and it's nothing about you, and um, you know, but I think that you know, maybe somebody and again, you know, you are my favorite person, but I don't think that you would be maybe right for this role. And you're right for a lot of roles. I mean, don't get me wrong you're right for a lot of roles. You'd be good in anything you did, but yeah, it's just this one right now. Yeah. We could have used him with uh that your your guy bring in Fred Wolf. You know you're great. We're gonna I really have a I have some so many good ideas for you in the next film. You know that kind of thing. I think what I fed while I was getting the shit kicked out of me by that night, I was like, blame Fred, he didn't want you . Well, like a canary. And the Braunstrokes, if if you've ever , you know, had someone in your life and then you realize that they were quietly secretly harboring a lot of grudges. Yeah. You know, and it's stored up grudgery, you know, later on. Whoa, I had no idea . Yeah. Yeah, it was a little anger and it was bait it was starting to point towards me, but whatever. We got through it. Whatever. Anyway. Would you guys want to Oh, that's reminds us of this great Keanu Roves Reeves movie called The Outcome. The David is He is being blackmailed with a videotape, and he's a big star in the movie, Kevin, and his movie's about to come out and this will ruin it. So his Jonah Hill manager, lawyer says, Hey, go back and apologize to everyone you were mean to on the way up and this might just go away. People are just mad at you. And he's like, oh, so he has to go back. He's like, who's mad at me? Because he's delusional because he's such a big star. And they're like, oh, we have a list of about forty-five people. So he goes back to his child star manager played by Scorsese who lives in a bowling alley and he has to apologize to him. Scorsese was good at . He was good. He goes like this, uh Keanu's like, hey, I just wanted to say uh I'm just really sorry. And he goes, thanks, Reef. Sorry for what? And he goes, uh they didn't coach him that far. So he's like, I don't know. And he goes, you know, Reef. And then he expla ins to him why he should be sorry for what he did. And then he goes to his ex-girlfriend, then his mom, and then it just it's really like kind of a that's the dramedy part 'cause it gets a it gets pretty heavy. But yeah, it and and answer to your question. Uh some I don't know if I would want to know everyone. I would here's what I would like to know. What level of fan are people that come up to me? Because people sometimes they go on a b ig fan. They don't know one thing I've ever done. So they're like a one out of a hundred. But then there's people that you can tell that really like you. But some people just go, oh hey, and I they get a picture and they walk away and they're like, I hate that gu y. Because but they just know they just seen you somewhere. They don't know why. Some people go, I'm taking a picture because they did. I'll find out later what you do. The other thing is, I I dread like when I I was starting out, have to use the public rest you know, the restroom that the rest of the audience used. And I'd be in the stall and after my show and I hear people coming in and go, wow, the opener was so much better than the headliner, man. I don't know. This is a waste of money. And you know, I don't want to know, I don't want to hide under the bed and hear somebody, you know, talk about me. I went I did a hike with Lynn Manuel Manuel Miranda, you know, who wrote Hamilton. Yeah, yeah. And I was using uh one of those um you know mics that you hook to your collar or whatever. Lavel is the case. Yeah, first time I was using it. And we finished the hike and I forgot to take his off and I had to chase him down like a half hour later. I call his manager and he goes, Oh yeah, okay, he's on the uh corner, you know, 92nd and you know, whatever it was. And uh so I'm walking, it took me like a half hour to get to him, and I know that everything he said is on that recorder for that half hour and I never listened to it because I didn't want to know. Could we listen to it? I didn't know what he said. Sure. It's out there now. I've heard some clips from it. It's not great, dude. It's not great, man. Put it out on Twitter. It's not great. Yeah. It's next to my UFO tapes that never got released. I'm like, release the Nealan tapes. No, let me tell you something about UFOs. You know, it's been all of this stuff about the release It doesn't nothing matters to me now with AI. It's like that's not real. That's not real. Even if it could be it, I think it's AI. That's true. In the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you're in the thing, you're being kidnapped. No, this is AI . I go proved it to me and then they aimly massage me or whatever they do . How would you know about that, David? Why why Have you seen the doctor when he's with the girl and she goes, I'm having a little soreness on my anus around the uh entrance, and he goes, Oh, well that's actually an exit . So the quicker you change the traffic, the quicker the screen will go away . That's horrible. That's great. That's horrible. Well, what kind of It's not hang out with squeaming . Finding a skilled hire takes more than just reviewing a resume. As AI raises the bar on how experience is presented, hire That's right. Our recruiters combine their expertise with award winning AI to review what's behind every application quickly. Learn how we can find you specialized talent in finance accounting technology and more at Robert Half We Know Talent. Visit Robert Half.com slash talent today. 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Can I tell you my uh hiking story that was out of character for me. So I'm hiking, I'm hiking, hiking, and then I see like eight people c and they're gonna take a picture. And I normally don't do this, but I go, I'll take it. You know, 'cause yeah, we want video. So it was eight of 'em . And they saw they sang happy birthday till Sylvester. Happy birthday. Big thing. Oh looks great. And I don't know why. I was just I guess I was kind of on a buzz from hiking so hard. And I just did stallone to them. I want to thank you very much for saying happy birthday to me. And then I just walked away and they yelled down the trail and they said, Hey, wait a minute, are you that guy? That was it. They didn't have a name, they didn't have anything. Yeah. That's good. I thought they're going to be able to great story. Here's a here's a here's a fun story if you want to hear that going along those lines. I would go down to Austin uh every year. And this by the way, this you call him DJ still. This guy, um, he's like the Howard Stern. He's like the Howard Stern of Austin. And uh he uh and I do his show like every year, you know, for like years I've been doing it. And we usually go out for lunch after that. So we uh the last time I was there this is like four years ago when I did a show we do the show and then we go out to lunch and we're sitting there for like half hour and he he goes you know what I noticed about you you're not getting recognized as uh as much anymore Oh my god. And I thought, you know what? You're right. You're right. He was, yeah, heads used to turn a lot, but now it's like people are looking at their menus. You know, I thought, you know what? He's right. No matter that's why I've been feeling so good lately . Yeah. I had someone say to me, they said, you know, I was at like this Grammy party and my friend's wife goes, You know what, you were so goodness , why don't you get back out there? Get back and do stuff again. You know . I had a woman at an airport get in front of me and goes, you better than all the rest of them, and just walked away. I'm I told my sister, leave me alone. But Kevin, to that guy, was he was he being passive aggressive to point that out? That's weird things. Or was he just sort of naive and whimsical. I think it was naive and he was just he might have been joking, even you know. But um here's here's something if you want to get brought down a lot, is go on uh chat GBT and ask the question, uh, are you hand some? No, no, no. Is Dana Carvey handsome? And see what they say. Fuck off. My son did that. My son did that to me. Oh no . Yeah, yeah. And it's a well, you know, it depends on what you mean by handsome. You know. Well, I was at a resort. I was at a resort doing a doing a gig and you had been there the year before, some kind of gig, whatever. And the woman in the sports shack or whatever, oh yeah, Kevin, you know, yeah, I'm a friend of his. He goes, I didn't realize how good looking he was. Oh, look at that. Look at that. She was kind of a guy at I I had a guy at the airport once say to me, Hey, you're a lot better looking on TV. But I think he meant the other way around. You know? No, in Scottsdale last week I'm leaving Houstons . I love Houstons. And uh lady walks to me and she goes, You look like that guy in grown-ups. You know the guy? He's a little taller. Do you know who he is? I go, which might Sandwich? He goes, he goes, no, he plays the blonde guy in it. And I go, Oh yeah, I have heard that. And he she goes, but he's a little taller than you. I go, a little or a lot. She goes, he's he's he's kind of tall, but you sound like him. Never figured it out. I had the same thing. I had a woman in the store and she goes, You you look just like Dana Carvey. I go, I know, it's weird. It's weird. And she just kept going. I I mean, I can't even believe it. Me neither. But yeah, you know, I know you never yeah. I get Norm I get Norm once in a while. Normally Yeah. 'Cause we both did SNL, I think, you know. Oh Yeah, fellow , yeah, yeah. People love Norm MacDonald, you know, and the post Norm McDonald. I mean, it's just he really has become a legend. He got bigger, yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely. I've seen stuff he's doing that I never saw before. That's hilarious. Exactly. I see shit. Like his talk show that's like a podcast with Adam Eagett, and I'm like, oh, they have funny guests. They make the guests read a dirty joke. I'm like, the balls. But the fans that go on that are fans of Norm that are famous go along with it, and it's so funny. There's one recently up that he's got he's got Mike Tyson on a show, and he's clearly kind of agitating Mike Tyson in his own norm way. Yeah. His advanced heavy champion or whatever he said . And it w there was a lot of tension there with Norm and it makes him um mesmerizing . He goes on the view. They play him on Conan a lot I I I took him I took him to uh Palm Springs once for a golf clinic because we both like to golf even though we both suck. So, you know, all the way out there he's listening to Johnny Cash with his barefoot out the window because he doesn't know drive, you, got to drive him everywhere. He's always late. I can't find my shoes. You know, so we get out there and we do this golf clinic with these professionals and they're videotaping us our swings and everything. By the end of the golf clinic, we're looking at the swings, you know, the the pro is showing us what we're doing wrong and all that. And he's arguing with the pro. No, that's what I'm doing. You know, that no, this way is better for me. I said, Norm, this guy's a pro. He he knows that's funny. Yeah, the one on the view where he goes, yeah, Bill Clinton, he's great. Kill the guy, you know? And Barbara Walters was like, oh we can't what are you talking about? No, I'm I'm just saying you kill the guy, right? I mean it's not good. It's not a good thing. I'm not saying it's a good thing. Not what you want from your president. But yeah, the clips of of Norm are hysterical on Conan too with the the old fashioned s uh stor y. This guy had a shoe, right, and he lost it in a trap and it goes on . Little Johnny goes to school one day. This fella, this fella. Yeah. Yeah, when he does knickk knack patty whack. He does that joke, but I like the beginning goes, he goes into a bank and the the woman's name is Mrs. Whack . So that's her name. This is. wow Mike, well this is gonna be part of the joke at some point, I guess. Was he the one that did the joke about Hitler's dog? How the dog liked him? Because he didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys ever do Hitler, Hitler bits? Did you have a Hitler joke in your act ever? The closest I came to that is uh Hans and Franz. Yeah . No, I I never did a Hitler joke. I had one, but it go ahead. I don't do it anymore. No, it was just the observation, Hitler screaming every time we see him . Oh, yeah. And I say I do this for a living. And I mean you backstage he had to be just wiped out. So almost feminine, like oh oh him . I can't say I can't feel my deltoid. Whoever thought of this shoot him. I can't But yeah, it's hard to come up with that original Hitler joke. Kevin, I have one of my follow up one of my final questions. Do you do two shows a night. Uh yes, except on Sunday. Yeah. I do two shows. And arenas. I do two shows and arenas as well. And how long do you do a set if you're doing two shows. You do 45? I do about an hour and ten minutes. You do? Both times? Twice? Yeah. Wow. Yeah yeah I do. In fact I'm getting to that point. Here's I started with an MC, you know, as you always do, it's a three man act or three woman act or whatever. And um and so I thought I don't really need an MC because one time the MC said, this man needs no introduction. I thought, you know, this guy's right. We don't need him on the show. So um sorry. So anyway, I thought I'll just do a two-man show from now on. So I did a two-man show. And now I'm thinking, I don't really need another person. Because I know Bill Maher used to do that. He would just come out and do his set. And um, you know, it makes kind of sense. But is it more phone opener with someone? No opener. Yeah. No opener. And I don't even have an introduction. I just have them play the music, like for a little bit, and then I just walk out. It's real jazzy the way I do that. Do you dance around a little bit or something? No, no. I come out and I I receive the applause. I accept it. I you know, I thank them. I let it settle in and then I gre take the mic out and they stop the music and all systems go. What's his banjo into the microphone? So he uses a banjo I saw in the latest clips. What's going on? Oh, that was the bit that was uh cut I cut from my special. Oh , which is called Loose in the Crush. Was that was that the banjo that I got you for your fifties ? No, no, no, but you and um you and Gary uh Prince, uh a guy that we knew um who has since passed, gave me a great Gibson banjo for my uh guitar. I think it was uh 60 at the time or 50. Prescription fitness. Whatever. That's right, yeah. So that I was just going to say, so the banjo part was when I grew up, nobody liked um the banjo. It was very annoying. So I had to play it very quietly, my room with like a sock tight around the neck. But now I like to go, I play it everywhere now and I just let loose on it and I have so much fun. Would you like to hear a song? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have them bring the banjo out to me and I sit down and I play very softly. They can't even hear it barely. My foot stomping is louder than the banjo itself . And then they and then they take the banjo away or do you actually w show them that you couldn't they want to see I do the whole song. I get everybody going like that. I get the clapping going. And um and I tell them to keep it quiet. I go, shh . Break it down. Break it down. Yeah. Yeah. And then at the end, I my roadies come out and they take the banjo from me. I just hold it up and they take it and uh and I go back to the mic. But I cut that out. Do you and Dana both have to if you let's say you do in Ohio in three days, Columbus , do you call and say have a banjo or a guitar there ? You know what? Uh you could do that. Most people like their own instruments, but I'll tell you what, I I I like a green room that's comfortable. You know the green room? I like something in there that's comfortable. A lot of those green rooms have those big white fluorescent lights on the on the ceiling with no lamps or anything or floral lamps. So I just added this to my writer, that they've got to have a forloal lamp with a dimmer 'cause I like to kinda chill before I go on. You know, a little meditation or whatever, just kind of snooze. And you know, you can get a cheap, cheap lower fla floor lamp from Target probably for, you know, forty two dollars. They say we're gonna have to take away your triskets you want. So it's a press Yeah. Could I tell you a tactic to get a standing ovation? So what I do I I used to say get me a guitar that can be plugged in electrified, but now I say a tailor because they don't go out of tune. But at the end of your act, you're doing your guitar, your banjo, bum, bum, bum, and you're you're doing a song about them. Wow, wow, wow, bam. And then I take the neck of the guitar and I hold it up so I'm like it's like a torch. I'm like ten but I see people as I bring the guitar up, they tend to stand up with it. So you could just at the end go the band go blow and go good night and then just hold it and you'll get a standing ovation every time. I'm not trying to I don't like uh I don't like a standing ovation. It it it feels very uncomfortable for me. I hated going up there and waving goodbye and and people would be jockeying to get to the front, you know, to stand next to the host. And I'm like in the back. Lauren had to have uh Marcy Klein come running after me to find me. He says, Lauren wants you on the stage. And I'm like, uh Lauren wants you on the stage. But people don't realize there's a dress show and we we do the good nights of fake good nights two hours before and then we gotta do it again like oh hugging oh I can't believe it yeah Marcy it was just a lie Marcy's to come in mind get out there lauren wants him like there's no way Lauren was out there somehow figured out I wasn't there yet and go Marcy getting spayed . Yeah . And I believed it every time like Lauren ran out there. I mean it's same with the weekend update. You know, you do all those jokes in the dress and then you kind of it's an act. And then you do it in the live show and you laugh in the same places like that's the first time you've heard it, you know. But it is an act. Yeah, that's What else do you have for Kevin? And we're gonna talk we're gonna plug uh the special loose in the crowd. I got the hiking with hiking with Kevin on YouTube, which both of you guys have done and numerous times with Dana. Hiking with Kevin. Uh Spain's gonna do it again sometime when he uh uh gets up some energy. I swear to god, I'll have a car waiting at the bottom