Conspiracy Theories and Closing Thoughts

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Directly in front of me is Michael Irvin, who's a funny dude to talk to football player One thousand percent blocks myiew of the fight. one million maybe. He stands up. anyytime they go ding ding, he's up. And I'm like, nothing happened yet. But you know, if there's like a full beatown, everyone jumps up. but he jumps up if there's a shin kick. I follow you know, like Sarah or Marcella. they just Sarah Marcearceello. Yeah. And so they play clips, or you follow us and now O I follow NBC or I follow that general area of a location of thirty Rock And I follow midtown, Manhattan Did you follow me on Instagram? Dana, not right now, just because I'm kind of keeping a tight friend group Ohah Danny should come visit. I don't get vertical without a paycheck. All right. What's vertical getting the air? Yeah. That's the thing is like Let me let me quiz you right away. go. You're you're ten, twelve year old David Yeah. mans on, Mommy, you know And you see a comedian and you're kind of like, you have a little daydream in your head like maybe I could do that And you thought you'd be on a set or you'd be in a studio Um And then you spend your whole life of the air Oh to say, o, I'm going to be a stand up Yeah, and I'm going do that. And then you realize that Like we u we have getting you a message This David, your laptop still slightly in frame Oh, we're trying to do our bits, yeah They w't even com in Let's just coming in. becauseuse I did a u gig in Miami And we decided to drive from where I am sort of north. So it's three hours of the airport. There's a three hour delay and then the flight. So from point It was thirteen hours Now when I did my performance there, it was this sort of event and I did forty five minutes and then I had another thirteen hours back. and you go, well, what do you really do Well, I do stand up for for profession. a traveler. yeah. And I travel for twenty five hours. Yeah. What am I really doing? amm I doing? Yeah. I understand that. I mean Do you really? I don't. Don't hate my hair We have different hair toay yours is fluffy and loose and carefree and fancy free and mine is shllack Yeah, you just put like glue on it, right? and it just stays for the. I was trying. I try to keep it because I have to have. Are you trying?. That's your second. Are you U but is my head too high in the frame or are you okay with it? No, I think I think you're okay. I just get I get messages excuse me. come in Cand Holzman Hzman one command. They don't know is that we get type messages like Everything you're saying sounds stupid, change it. We're like, o Hey, we're four hundred shows in. What do you want? Yeah. It's called fresh out of ideas. No, we're fresh but out of ideas. Yeah. I was okay, I went to the UFC fight this weekend. Of course you did. Rona Rousey Oh yeah, Gina Corano C anything see Love R. Both lovely ladies back in the swing after a while and You know, it's funny because Dana, first of all It was at the into it. Center. Are you in Are you into it That was it's the dome though. It's not goings it's a dome because it's it's based on the intuit Native Americans from from the last n not is it really I it, Native Americans made their way down And just said we here build big Dome And then that was sure that's they wanted one partart of history. And so the stadium was R I think it's a tax planning. I know I was about to say But I got you going? That's true because in Arizona we have the garbage can open or something. It used to be call the Phoenix open where I was a whole reporter, everyone Let's get picked up by some golf Hey man, golf up. What is it called when you're ahead of your time? can Brockin Well, we had the fifties going. Hey it it's Colgate Comedy Hour went dormant for decades. Then it came out in ' ninety seven with a show called The Taco Bell Dana Carvey show. People said that's nuts. People said you're crazy and we didn't get paid. We just thought it was funny. You Do you get paid by tacoll? didnt get a penny. We just thought it was funny. It' even funny. And then yeah, thirty years later you got paid for that. N, not a nickel. Not from the talk Not a go thing. I mean they made They didn't give me a personal cheat, No. What's funny about Taco Bell is everything's the same. You get a burrito, just beans, cheese, lettuce wrapped up. You get a toastada, it's just open A t' like that I know, you know, I like ingredients. If you're at a party, okay and they have hors doeuv, do you want a big sloppy thing that's gonna drip all over you? You kind of want like a tea sandwich. So I like a bite's nothing that's gonna explode. You get a burger with all the lettuce and everything. You take a bite I like our tomato That's new. I want to write it down. A tomato beingan expunged from a bun. could lay D p. here's the onion on the other side of your hamburger Here's the pick H' the pickles be. Here's the pickle bean squeezed out. No, I Everyone's pushing. Yeah, I like it inside the butt' okay. I'd love to stay inside. Oh, I don't want to be ejected m I'm repelling down a hredded lettu We should never smoke weed before we come on I know. It is funny though. We get so on tangs. Im at the UFC fight Oh yeah, let's go back to your story and then I'll hit you my other story and it' it's Netflix, not not the Dana White UFC. It's a little friend You know like Can we put Rhonda Rossi do the first part because I want to put her in context. Yes. Okaykay. so so I go there I feel like I'll be close because you know, when Netflix asks you to come You know, something like that. You were incited. I'm second row Right, Which I might as well been last dw It really while when I go with UFC, it's first row and I get so spoiled because Nothing's in front of you There's R emanuel. There's people that are like announcing and then there's the fight butot with this one Just one row you're a bit of a pips seak. So now It's like cooach, you know I know it's your precious into it Dough, but It's a little, I think it's just different ses for the fact. So I'm squeaking down My row Around me is like Tommy Lee Tommy D. All right. Hey K Adams. A lot of fighters actually. Oh, Sebastianans in my room Sebastia I my toadenails. No, you went to the f at into it. I should havepolog Oh P What? Hey, what's going on? Donovan Mitchell's down there. banished Donovan Mitchell. is he from the Cliippers? No, he's from Cleveland Cavaliers. I don't it popped into my head. I don't know If the clippers are clipping their toenails, that would be ridiculous. Well, the Minneapolis toe headads are actually a minor League baseball team. Okay. sometometimes you're fibbing No, they're either blonde or somebody toes. Yeah. So my row got people behind me is Hannah Storm, who's a rep it's announnce R repter. Cool name. Very cool to talked to her lot And then directly in front of me is Michael Irvan, who's a funny dude to talk to football player onene thousand percent blocks my view of the fight. one million maybe. He stands up Anytime they go ding ding, he's up And I'm like, there'ss nothing happened yet But you know, if there's like a full beat downown, everyone jumps up He he jumps up if there's a shin kick So anyway, I keep going, Michael. I can't see really when you're sitting. And now when you stand, it's really over And then there's all the netting and then there's cameras. So And then the stage is a little higher So you're trying to like Look at the far side Diazz had me So I sort of went because Nate was in Buszboys. Oh, a few people remember. Thankk you, Bboys C on video Lve streaming soon. Video on demand soon, yeah. Anyway It's fun, it's crazy. The fights are pretty quick. so there's a lot of, it's like a nightclub now. There's music and everyone's just in the row. kind of So Oh, it's end of today's stuff. and I go up and really bother one of my favorite UOC fighters and tap on the shoulders fifty feet tall.'m like Excuse me, it's a bit of a hustle and bustle, but it's hard to hear my voice If I could scribble down something So so John John Bones Jones they was the greatest fighter ever. I would say arrguably he's He might be a likeate goat G ahead. D didn't want to hype it up too much, but yeah, so I was like I gotta just ruin this guy's night. So I say hi, very cool. we talk for a minute Then he says anyway says, you don't have my number. Can I put it in your phone John Jones, you don't have my number. Of course. That's a littlefward I have a thing with guys celebrities that I never ask them for their number. It's always too weird So I likek that he said something because I would have said, oh yeah We should go to Waterburger someomeday. We should do something, you know. These are bad examples that we should do something becausecause I like hanging out anyway We had a fun F minutes And he's putting is numbering and I'm looking like this ople like Oh yeah they're not looking at the fight anymore. They're fights It's in between fights. It's like know I was just said would have everyveryone would be very excited. John Jones is giving spade Joines Jones He's being very he's a very cool soft spoken normal guy For a guy who's had his bell rung Stop me if you don't know these terms He's been rattled But he P much as a eloquent guy, ye There were some other guys there They're like, I sound like Don Rickles' going, Are we at a fight times the Barmitzvah know they don't know where they're So John Jones is in the car to him a cookie The fight started a half hour ago. Can I get a glass of milk Anyway, so he says to me, he says to me, he says I says, I says, I says He goes By the way, next fight, Ron Rousey It'll probably over in another minute by Arbar Oh, really? Yeah, that's the most interesting thing he said. He also said Nate Diaz got so cught. He goes, it's kind of a drag for him because he's such a good fighter and he will never quit But he has thin skin and from all these You know, scars and stuff cut so easily. he's always bloody ' like because I bumped into them. So he's like bleeding too much, Heather sought to. He's playing too much, they stopp the fight That's a drag because he would keep fighting. He doesn't care. Plus, when you get hit in the face so much, your face is numb. so they're just like you can keep fighting I just say one word to describe those dudes, him and his brother, Stockton They they came out fighting first day bad ass firstirst day at kindergarten. Th guys love fighting their whole lives and they'll they'll take so much punishment and keep coming. Yeah, they love to talk shit too. So ye anyway I saw him, I was bummed he lost But I thought it was very interesting that he said that because He knows everything so well. So then I sit down, dang dang, run Ry, armbar, seventeen seconds Well, Here's the thing I want to ask you because I was watching NBA last night and even NBA Every second. betting every second What's the main one Oh, draft Kings, that kind of stuff.very second under over drink on the TV. Yeah. Yeah, and the commercials more now and the the commercials betting live. You can you can lose money even faster So did did you place any bets? and did John Jones place whoo's the person who's not the other person to win, not Ronda Rossi? Did they place a betat and lose? I Gina. Gina I was the under over Oh I think they said Rond I can't remember because I just thought I don't like to see the ladies fight for some reason, but This ladies. I really felt like the ladies that are ten times tougher than me. They're like thirty two. It's not like thirty because they Well, I think Rhonda got their're friends. So I think she got it over with Fast so they wouldn't have to beat the shit out of each other because they like each other Well but it was was it a real victory then or was it kind of like, let's get this over fast. I don't know I don't know if people say, but I mean she's good at Ju Jitsu Ron Rousy and So if she gets the right knocked when she plans to come knock you down right away, you think they'd stand up and fight a it If you're not ready for it, you go down, then once you're down, you're fucked because she gets she's like a spider monkey. she gets on you She's u She was like a superstar and, you know UFC.FC and your wrestling too And then she wentk wrestling or she was sort of retired, right? And then she was in a couple movies. She's charismatic. She's veryery pretty, very good at her job. And then you see this wipe out. it just goes in, boom wins over and then immediately says, that's it, I'm done That was interesting. I'll never do this again Yeah, Gina Corona was very tough. She was probably she probably won more, I'm probably wrong with it. I just remember hearing she was such a Yeah As kicker in the day. and then but she's been out of the game for a while Then she got cancellled, remember So she really had nothing going. Then she gained a hundred pounds. you know that Well those connects she got cancellled and then she gained one hundred pounds? Okay is it a to do list? And then get beaten up by Rhonda Rossi? She really had a hard run there. Yeahah. That is right because I think she probably gained weight because she had everything sort of taken away. Now she's what what are you doing all day when your one thing is to go fight or act. She doesn't do either really And then to have this opportunity. She said before the fight, she said I would never have lost this weight if Ronda hadn't waited for me. She said they offered her the fight And she wasn't ready and want Ronda said, I'll wit for her. And so she lost weight And she said, I owe it to her because I wouldn't have Lost the weight, there's no reason. Right That's cool, right I liked it. And that's why I thought, oh, They don't want to beat the shit of each other. And you know, the guys are usually tough talking and throwing kicks at the at the way in, you know throwing bottles at each other, like hyping it up Well, they always seem like they've fostered a true hate the two fighters in theFC like Vitrial And then the fight is brutal and all this and that. And then the second over, they're just hugging it up. love you man. It's like you are a champion Vertty much. Yeah Heat up your fourourth of July at the Home Depot with our wide variety of grills under three hundred dollars and make every gathering one to remember. Give your outdoor space a glow up. Whatever your budget is, with savings on seasonal plants starting at five dollars. With the grill fired up and your backyard set to perfection, you'll be able to invite friends and family over to kick off the party Start celebrating with low prices guaranteed att the Home Depot. Prices may vary by stor exisions a price see, Home deepot dot com slash priceash for details Study and play. Come together on a Windows eleven PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the unreal college deal, everything you need to study and play with select Windows eleven PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft three hundred sixty five preremium and a year of Xbox GamePass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller Lear more at windows d. com slash student offffer. Law Supplies last ends june thirtieth turns at aka. mS slash college PC Well, so anyway, that was, I don't want to milk too much on the fight There was the fight went to Arizona saw my lovely mama. And my mama did a little book that she's putting together on Amazon. It's so funny. It getting older. so It's for third. It's a third one, but they're going to put them all together in one book So I'm going to say it on here so for a stucking stuffer You might get one for percent off. Well For people don't know about it because people always have a bucket list. Maybe I'll write a book sed, you. I don't know. You don't need a publisher. You don't have to audition the book. You make a deal with Amazon. If someone presses the button wants your book They'll make the book and send you your share of the profits. So right. I think that's something with Amazon and her friends are helping her R right Oh Lauren, you got stuck in Luren. I got stuck in Lauren face Will Farow was on SNL Yeah, I wanted to talk about that for a second just that u when my I think about the season and I know how hard it is. you know how hard it is and the ups and downs and this and that. I just thought it was a really good season I think there know. Yeah, I think that of course, Ashley Padilla emerged I'm so sorry. I don't know the name of the gentleman who does Carlson lookook that up. Will you Heather or Greg It's not Des mukes, isn't he how they're looking No. But he's great Ass An Al Casman You got ready Jeremy Coolhan. U He's done a lot of really cool things on that show. and then it's Tucker Carlson, he just kind of owned it is there, you know This is wor doing What's going on Is this a new rule? You know, it's very, very, very right And Ashley Ashley is great at taking pauses and bursts of weird anger. like you don't know. She's kind of a fresh, weird way to do. neurotic people. She was extraordinary. And then I think that U Colin Joost was so perfect and had such a good time.' a lot of energy him doing Um He had Hesway Hegith. Oh Yeah Be because they've done so much Trump and they still do Trump. But I think even in my own standup, Trump is a little You know, it's like a horse at the end of the race. like Yeah weve seen a lot, but that was kind of had on a hat at this. That was kind of a new funny high energy I thought it was a pretty good season. Dave, what your two stars? David, what did you think of season fifty one? you think it was h season? I see clips on Instagram because I'm fucking at the clubs, dude. I'm not It's called record it. You, they're like, it starts at eleven thirty, but now you can watch it at eight thirty. I'm like that's too late. No, here's what you do as you go on YouTube the next morning, you know last night. I just go on I follow. you know, like Sarah Marcella. and they just Sarah Marcearcello And so they play clips, sorry you follow us and now. or I follow NBC or I follow that general area of location. Thirty rock And I follow midtown Manhattan. Do you follow me on Instagram Dana, not right now just because I'm kind of keeping a tight friend group I was thinking today When people, how they' understand is, when people I'm watching their stories, you know, on Instagram, you don't you don't do it as much, but They put their day to day stuff And after a while because you know, I know them somewhere where they said, follow me. and after a while, I go This is like a TV show that I've lost interest in that don't know I don't know how to get out of anymore. Like They keep popping up light They're just flatlining now. I have zero interest. and the unfollow is a little much, just, you know, it's a little harsh. So I found out you can mute their stories and their main posts, but I do the stories And when I get to the point of mutating their main post, it is like they're disintegrated. You still follow them. So there's not that anger and animosity and hurt and pain and violence, but Well, there is a button that I've found oddly enough instead of unfollow, you can do quietly quitting And it' a lot it's offfter it's a quiet qu It's not it's a softer exit for people because if it's outrageous, it's contagious If it's, if it's someone Making cocoa It ain't soorin, it's borin. Just made Wha Fucking Heather printing t shirts and bumper sticks. N not getting clicks with that stupid tricks Oh yeah I go like this, I quiet quit people. I go. Here's your stories No more stories No, she's quite down. wes got spath it Porform But you got to be, you gott to be either you can be virtual signaling, you could be like a saved a puppy, you can be highly sexual U you can be really sad like It's not feeling, man You know, I like that. But if it's just you making cocoa or here's my day, I don't know. I mean, you you've got thirty two million. Off all platforms. I don't even count any moreore thirty per All right, twenty three. have There's in the millions. There's one the other day, a girl making pottery. She was kind of cute. She' I'm like Who makes pottery? It's like ghost. And of course, they all turn into the shape of a weiener. I'm like, okay I go, oh, this is the this is the hook Oh, that's the did they point it out or it's just so obviously a fall out thing Data. Have you seen paper cutting guy ten million followers Hey everybody U Just some ky evenven if you're joking, there is probably real guysy. so go ahead. Yeah. we're going to Oh, just that. Trim some paper down. We're going to push them together This And now let me know what you think this looks like. That's a weener? No, it came out of pipe, I think. Oh okay twenty million fo. I was like, I wouldn't stick it in your mou. Yeah. This looks like a pipe fool. No Everything looks like a wiener to you, I would say to that point I got to mix it up. got you got You got applause for that. No, but what about? I thought you're going got I would watch this, Dana, Ready? Do you have any paper? Cardboard Let's just say it's paper ready. Oh no. hein my bit. Okay. Yeah, but he but the guy goes like this Paper cut gives himself one Then he goes here And he goes and I'd be like It's something don'ttake me get my sound effects out ' it's too fun We have a special guest I knowick Oh, Garth. Okay, I he from Garth Hi David, It'spaine. How are you today That's funny. I'm gonna tell we Go ahead How many followers do you have on Instagram for reels Um I have no, I don't have that many I didn't think so. I'm gonna tell Mike What the mike because his name's Wayne Jeszus I'm gonna take away. No hass friend Doesn't this one sound like Sandler? Godh, that does Hang on, I got toa take this Excuse me. This is this entertainment I don't know I don't have a pig So mad. this things are real bad I can't believe I'm paying three thousand dollars a month for this app. If we go to season four, it's just gonna be sound effect boxes. I know. one hundred and ninety nine on A. Yeah, they do all the work So what do you guys just push the buttons? And I'm like, Yeahah, don't worry about it U By the way, Dana, I did not to change gears. lot of please do chatter about the Data centers. You call them data centers Which one do you call it? Wh which one's right? I call him Scooby Doo Sada D Soob. We got to make data centers, don't we S scoob? How much This was do sccooby doo Sies Gese scoob, these data centers are sucking up too much energy. Shocking I'm in Oh, he's in. That's a good one Putting peanut butter on, you know where stribers. He sounds like a old sea captain Yeah. Hey you, Hey, mies I like go h Halloween. someone comes as Velma and makes her like a total horr She was a bookworm. Let's not really reduce her to just like well, Oh, that whole thing. Yeah, just Keep sccooby doo, scooby doo keepe clean guys Keep it keepeep it above the waistine. Have some fun. Yeah. Yeah. above the waistline. Keep keep them keep them up at all times And what do you think about data centers? This one uses thirty millions ofars Galents them water Geez, it's really these data centers are coming up quick. I can't say I'm for against it. We have hundreds of them already built. I read four hundred already built. Please turn CBS R into Everything should be f as I invested in Oh, yeah. Well Everything should be a datison. I heard it's just It's all to store AI and it uses too much water and electricity And it's like, maybe we don't need AI. What We don't need a controversial subject Well, look, so far it's like me flying thirteen hours and then going on stage and crushing. Whoops. Why are you standing? You don't have to stand Oh, you got a standing ovation. I'm just doing it. This is what you call an analogy, Scottdaes Community College. So the basic idea is Valjalla awaits us. We have it's the size of Manhattan. We take a regular AI, a computer chip thing, we plug it into Millions and millions of GPUs. otherwise things stacked in little wafers with tons of global information like h. It'll have the history of all mankind at yourir science happen when you with And then it'll come out and go Cancermancer. Got it Unlimited clean energy figured it out Oh so so you're for it Well, I don't think you can put the genie backag in a bottle. you know, And I do think that It seems very dangerous potentially, but apparently, it's going to solve clean unlimited energy and diseases Is that what they told you Is that what you should think Z Z Is that your plan? Oh okay, yeah. I heard that one You know, they say They just are very honest they go Are you sad that your town doesn't have enough pllaces hemitting cancer You want to build one H. Well, they're building mostly on swamp areas and stuff, you know Hey, let's go catch some cats fish. What the fuck is that? That's calling the data center. Let's blow it up, Wilbur Dude, I don't like living near a telephone pole Forget about those things got some condos right next door. like this. It's like a breeze in your face. Do the tomato flying out of the bone You like that one Okay get ready? Well, get's very subtle. Take the first bite. It sees a break for freedom. But I've got to be honest, Heather, Greg break the tie. Does that really sound like a tomato Oh God all that for that H. ang Got to look these we have to do Buzzing around Oh yeah, buzzying around An timee anyime Let's do it because then we unless you have a story because then we have to do stories. No, this story is evergreen. I didn't quite get to it, but it's an evergreens It's an evergreen story. You know what? That's Gerbz's favorite thing You know, you just do a show, you do eververgreen. You guys ta one episode a year. Evergreen. People listen to it in the year twenty forty five and they'll go, wow! thoseose of you at home Our manager really tells us to do shit that's evergreen, which is a term meaning doesnn't have to be topical or anything Like on my podcast. you could do it today, air it in five months, but do it evergreen. You just talk about, I go what trees? I mean, what You want to talk about things that are relevant to the world, but talk about things that could live in any time in space. It happens in because they're re rununning all the time. So I would say, let's Dennis Rodman joke and just shoot me and they'd say , it's got to be evergreen. That's the first time I heard. they go It's just general like You can explain it better. That's why sitcoms, if they're about relationships, this and that from the nineties. I mean, we heard that the friends people get twenty million a year now in residuals And I guess R our friend gets eighteen million a year twenty years later. but Carson gets almost nothing at reruns. or you know talk shows are highly, highly daily topical But I would say there's quas evergreen. you know, there's trends like AI. taxesit a month to air that, but yeah, it also when you're A monologue on a talk show is fun because it's like what happened today and SNL That' what happened this week and then add Trump But if you're doing like a regular cast It's kind of like Well What can we do we talk about our weekends and stuff because that's sort of new information. other than that. Like let's say I talked about getting a massage in my standup. That's kind of evergreen When did it happen, who knows? Right. A funny massage at a random motel. Yeah, thats that's completely yourour act is pretty evergreen actually. Mine more because I for eight here on the road. Yeah, this place that I I played for, they said We only historical political figures, only old ones. And I said I need I need Yeah, this is real. And I said, I need more specificity. And they said, well Nothing after Obama. And if you do Obama, make sure you also make fun of opposite side of the aisle. Oh, they want to make sure it's okay. Yeah. ye. So it's it's like what you call a hot oven to a lot of people. It's very I understand. So I didn't mind. I'll do evergreen stuff. I got of it Obama, That's a you got ever green. Evergreen is something whereree chehefs go? forever. that's what's called evergreen Green, meaning you can make cash for the rest of your life. Michelle She I don't want.'m on I'm mom with David Smig Nope, I don't, I don't need the egg salad. just Don't need it now. justust leave it out. Like him. She makes him Sandwiches? Shelle, no, just put the eggs out All right. o, make me a small sandwich. I'll be there in a second I talking my friend Davis Aade You do a you could do a bit about a sandwich. sandwiches will always be around.. Exactly. You know what? Evergreen Even trees, you could do a joke about trees. Everyone has a tree, and they stick around for a long time By the way, Byron Allen. Whose that Our friend from standup World, you know, was a mogul sure was taking over for Stehven Colbert slot. He's paying CBS to put his stuff in there And he can he's got comics unleashed or something and the rule is you have to be evergreen. relelationships, dogs, everything. No no current event things. So he goes make a lot of money that way. But he really plucks people's acts because you have to go in there with seven bits for real And you're like, shit, if you're a new comic, you're like, I'm getting rid of all my good stuff here? That's the tough one. By the way wherere Swan song is like the Super Bowl. I'm They're like, they were showing clips on the news this morning like, in his final week. I'm like, is this this big deal like he had on his second last show such luminaries as weird I'm like weird Al is great, but Do I need to see a clip I mean, let's wait til the very last show Let's show the clip. what happened at the end, you know, Clonial come on or something, and they'll be like, this will be great Three weeks, actually a year of wind up is kind is a little much personally It's fine, but I mean it's really I can't say anything. No, I would just say this. I mean, u, There's a lot of ways to do this now. Look at us. We're kind of on TV right now. sure about the same.. Yeah, I mean he will have more flexibility to do that kind of stuff. He's write in a Lord of the Rings script with his son and another person. That's what we were going to do when we quit Yeah, I know. we will to U That Star Wars Let's write a new Star Wars called Wars of Stars I'll play middle lifeife crisis Yoda. He's not baby Yoda and he's not the old Yoda. He's a guy getting a gut. I'll play Harrison Ford's dad fifty years ago. Jewy, get me out of here Get off this plane I told you when that George Lucas told the guy who plays chheewy You had to calm up and go, We're not gonna have you in the next story. Really? Yeah. And then on the phone, all he heard was He called him directly. And should we went And he goes, I think does that sound good? And he's like And he goes Bad, I can't really tell. I'm trying to guess your tone Yeah. And he said he said, my tone changes He goes, Cheewy, can you just shave everything but the beard You know, ironically, chewy had no teeth. The actual character of Chewy had no teeth. Oh, he's very silly He could could't actually be chewy, could be gummy. S shouldould have beenumy He actually scared people, but if Push came to shove, he couldn't really bite them, I don't think This is Star Wars trivia. We were so far off our subject we talking Push comes to shove you couldn't. That's one of your greatest lines. because, you know, they get a lot of precarious situations with the back becausecause it was done kind of seriously. push kind shove e could Parison Ford saw a bunch of stormtroopers. he goes, I'll take the leash off of Chewy This is not Jeffrey Epstein Oh sorry,. No he was just gonna say, I like that when Push comes to chef. He couldn't bite him. I'm not Jeffrey Epstein. Look at a mustache, fuck face. Hey No Cheewy was like a service dog at that point. likeike he's just an animal on the spachip with them and Sewy get me out of here. I just like get off my plane. Come on, Kv do we we need another Harrison Ford. have new buzzing around. You haven't done Let's let's do this. Let's do this. All right. it is time You knew it was coming, buzzing around spponsd by five hour Energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from Wh while I'm doing this day and it's like stretching out and getting ready You get as much caffeine as a twelve ounce premium cup of coffee, but with zero sugar and zero sugar crash Find fiveiveour Energy shots online at five hour ennergy d. comot It's not a comedy piece. know, it's funny, 'cause I hear you going you're stretching out You like it Okay. What's the scenario? We have a Mike tation. Garth Prince Harry and Duchess So it's actually I'm going do today the Mike Tyson show Yeah. The Mike Tyson show and Garth is a sidekick and the guess. Okay. there's nothing beyond that. I don't know what they're going to say. No No one thinks you prepare this police. Hey, everybody. This is Garth Eelgar. and I I'm Mike Tyson sideidekick. With no further ado, please welcome Mike Tyson Oh wait No. I press the wrong fucking button. I know. I can't botched. Gotch pit, please welcome Mike Dyson Anyway, okay. Yeah, this is a thanks God. Thanks for that introduction. You know Hey, no problem, Mike, please don't tch. Sounds good already. would never touch you. I would never do that for you because I like doing the Mike Tyson show. hereere's a joke for you. Why did the box and glove cross the road No why they can't cross the road. They got no legs What do you do about it? Hey, I don't get it. I don't get it, Mike. And what are you gonna do about it? Yeah exactly. there you go. He ss your up joke and then says, what are you gonna do Sorry, Mike, but I just didn't get it. Yeah, you didn't get it. What are you gonna do about it? What are you do about it? Maybe try to write a better joke. Why does the boxing glove cross the road in the first place Because it needs a hand Yeah, I didn't get it Well what are you gonna do, Bed? Oh my Godd, Garth. wait a minute. you're threatening me by saying what are you gonna to do about it? I mean, I'm the guy who says, what are you gonna do about it? Hey, this is crazy. Let's get our guests out here. Please welcome Prince Harry Prince Harry. Prince Harian Duchess Markl Hey,y thanks for coming on the show. I'm a big fan of you guys because you like lived in a castle at some point, right?? That's why. Y. That's excing Mich. Yes, this is Prince Harry and I'm so excited to meet you Markael. because you've got fisticuffs. Fisticuffs What your dukes up, Is that what you do Yeah, yeah, I do. I don't say it like that. That's that old timey thing, you know. I'd like when you say the Fisticouffs. I'm not gonna say that, you know, I'm never gonna say that all right. so all I could say is what are you gonna do about it Hey Well, wait a minute, this is not just Marco. Yeah, I was waiting for her. This is my real speaking voice. I have to put something on for the silly cooking shows and all the podcasts. Yes, let's do another puty cast, mommmy. Hatry You try my patience Let Mommy talk to Mr. Dyson Recast We did a poody cast We no longer have a picast. We're getting you a little bell Lgosi as a side note, but go ahead. getting into Boris Carlock. Yeah, that's it. All right, enough for you guys talking amongst yourselves. I'm the host. I got questions. No. So what what What kind of things you think you're gonna to do pretty soon? and what you gonna do pretty soon? Oh, we're gonna ch the world. Yes, we're going tim the world Harry and I are going to tour the world. We're going to we're going to defeat global poverty Yeah. Okaykay, that sounds very nice. That's a good idea. you know, how you going to defeat it? Wh are you going to defeat it Yes, mommy, how are we going to defeat it? We're going to give speeches all over the world and we're going defeat global poverty I don't think you're going to defeat global poverty doing that. I think you got to do some more, right You know, I mean, what are you going to do about it What do you mean? What are you going to do about it? just telling you Ab Gobal Pverty? Gobal Pverty I think it' something like that anyway let me get let me him with a joke. Why' the boxing glove bounce across the trampoline Why? 'causeuse it makes things bounce Oh yeah,s that's, you know, more of a fact. Yeah. This one's mandering off into we had is This thing has been pz anyone who didn't like this thing, you know, what you can do about it? There you go Stay tuned for more Mike Tyson next week. Oh at the end That was buzzing around, sponsed by Firey's tasty caffeine flavors Give yourself some applause. Enjoy big flavor in a tiny bottle Fi our energy shots pack the flavors of the season portable two ounce shots So find fi Energy shots online at fiver ennergy. com or Amazon today. Dpp This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move Another smart move getting help from one of State Farm's nineteen thousand local agents when you choose to bundle H and auto. Bundling, J another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha raappuccino drink? or a sweet vanilla? smmooth caramel maybe, orr a white chocolate moocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Rappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Every act of change begins with a neighbor. When neighbors connect through the feeeding America network, small actions ripple into lasting impact Feeding America, led by neighbors, give now to end hunger at feedingammerica dot org d Okay, story one Let's get to the news and then we'll story one. We always blab so long. I know. we went off on too many tangents. We were good though. I liked it. Okay, what's this?ew challenger. Are you ready? Yeah I don't care. go Oh. Whoa. So o? Are there wasash? Wait, stop it for one snugget You're just kneeling, I don't even know if I can Keeling and shuffling. You're walking As your're crouched down, actually, I bet that's super hard. Heather, what do you think It looks hard, right You could probably do it. Well, what exploded? She does ball. No because the guy fell, but I think this person that looks like The woman, the Incredibles the hair is saying Race me and people race them and then They lose But I just think is that that hard to do? I think it is Oh I think it is. I think his outf. I thought they had some kind of little wheels on or something. I I do it one more time. let me see thought they had Right. It's just, I think, shuffling the feet, which is maybe in a really deep squat. Okay. Yeah, that's hard, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. oh yeah. Oh no, she's riding on something did a little Yeah, she's she I they they don't have it. She's got something. They like a little truck a little tr she She's on a little trolley And there's yeah, so that Yeah she's got a little wheel thing that's a dress covers it. Okay. Mystery solved Well at least you didn't say AI Well, Jee, Scoob, we couldn't see the wheels. It scared me, Scoob Well, I have to say, if it is a little bike, it's still hard to do No no, it's still it's still a good effect. Still forget it, I can't Okay next We really hit the big stories. I know. lookook at this one nine point three million worth of cocaine found in Kim Kardashian' skims shipment I don't think so. Looking good for Kiming them skims. They got Kim Kardashian out here looking like a drug king cr. So over nine million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly found inside a shipment connected to Kim Kardashian's skim brand. You heard what I just said? According to reports Autority stopped the transport truck carrying skim's clothing from the Netherlands to England B drug rout. I heard it from who? Oh Frank Calieando Yeah. So one hundred and ninety eight pounds of cocaine caruring that trip. and the truck was modified to h that yeah. Now imagine how crazy that sounds. Okay, hold on. I need a little thing called evidence of some kind. A guy's pointing his finger at something, That's evidence Well, I guess. and the reason I know this is because'm I'm hustling the cocaine. I like how the people make themselves more important in the story so they get really big in the frame. like Here's the story behind me. They should be really teensy like Here's a But you know what It's probably one of those things where they used one of their trucks, but they don't know about it. I'm sure she doesn't know. If it's true, Dana I don't think. Kardashians don't play. Th theseese people are they don't they need money for Well they're They would have their shipping stuff completely you know perfectly organized. There wouldn't be any criminal activity. It's a multib billion dollar company where they show the big bottoms. That's what if anyone got on there and did it, it's just something on the side you don't know about Can I just ask you a question from just just business So we there was Sandex, right? Heather? Spandex holds everything in, men, women, whatever. Nylons. So was it the genius moves ag go, Hey wait a minute. Mom, Kim U Why don't we do Let's just call it skims. Well, how about there Sanks? Sp. Yeah. Sanks. Do they own that too They ripped them off. And it ripped off wetsuits What's that? And then Yeah, just give me a wetsuit, cut the top part off and chararge triple I know I say yeah, what I I think you have an audience that's going to do whatever you want you can fudge it a bit and just get away with a little more. Now if you're just starting spank out of the blue, It has to be a really good idea This is sort of If not a rip off, just kind of running with the theme of tightening everything up. Well, I was going I was going to mention this, but I wasn't going to mention it, but I'll guess I'll mention that I thought for men, we do its from from Sade Carvey And uh called Spanks a lot. And it's just Spanks a lot Sanks a lot And it's just very festive underwear ite it holds your bt in and your fat Yeah,s tramps down your. I think would wear this stuff and they don't say it Oh, yo, you mean sort of a girdle. Right? Yeah. I mean I I wish I could trick everyone and hide all the flaws and afterwards I go Charlie, Charlie, this is what you got what they have built in them Tue what a great. She sells these sweatts with built in nips or bras or something. or Barbells, have you seen those They put the barbells through the niffs. Oh boy. How about washboard short tees? So you get T shirts for dudes, young dudes who have washboard stomachs and they're kind of shorts they go, what time is? Yeah, I had them half shirts. No lie I have. So that you can show off twelve packs All right, move along next door., I want to bring a sense memory. Yeah What are you gonna do about it? Did you write that? That's funny ideas out there. I just enjoy it. Okay, here we are. This one is really interesting. What is this I Renting a Japanese husband for a night out. This reminds me of really Brendon Frasier's last movie Right. That's right. Let's. I have to say That is what Brendon Frager's movie was He dropped so by he gave her broke the frame Let's Kanichiwa means Ariigato. which means That a my. Oh. okay So she's embarrassed to go to a wedding without a husband. Yeah. Next are up. No less. I wouldn't be doing that B This is a good Mbe this is more honest. Maybe this is what life should be This might be happening out there. you know, it's like bring your friend or like, hey comeome with me But this guy looks looks sharp and then You guarantee he's nice to you're not going to get drunk in a fight behaves J slide him a couple. I mean, I'm sure he's very charming and they probably because there's no pressure, they probably have a really good time And then they're back at the hotel in Tokyo and they're having a glass of champagne in their hotel suite. and guess what happens? Yeah, that was an Irvine Why would you think Tokyo Well, weren't they from Japan? Sorry, it wasn neroney. I'm kidding. you got to the door And I know what's about to happen S. So they're offering champagne is fake husband. Thankk you There's not an earthquake at the wedding. W No this isnt afterwards in the hotel. It was it was you But looks it there. Well leave it way Just a little breick or something else. That was and I are both like, whoa. That was an aperif All right, come on, we' We got to wrap it up. I asked. We watch twenty of year old bits on SNL Where did you find it on the Dark web. You can't find change anywhere. How you found it. You found it? Which one was Hilarious Noradon and o yeah, beautiful. Who comes over Valley Bertneelly. Yes, and you that's right. She's g them your phone And he's kind of an awkward character. so she's leaving. And she goes after a while, crocodile. and then my character goes, by Be Dggy Donkey Dggkey. And she goes, All right Let's have Valerie Burt and Elly on. I'm always saying the wrong thing U Okay, next one she was not on. That was before I got there. Okaykay O. This is we heard before I want to find if this is true. Tell me in the comments.one's loves to yell at me this form post and I'm going to put it directly on the screen and I'm going to read it. Yeah, word for word asays this, quote I work for a private charter company in Ontario Cana. whistlelower. The company handles booking and chartering flights across Ontario Can. got it. We are paid to spread ticks by air. It happens twice a year, early spring and early fall, this year. We'veired to do it earlier. The company receives the ticks and boxes. Each box contains millions of ticks. The aircraft used are generally single or dual prop aircraft single pilot and one other bo. Why would they expose this It pays a lot And I mean, I think the fastal is Sicks are dispersed in several spec They have diseases in Ontario And it's always the same regions each. Oh it's in Canada, thus far spring the ticks dispersed were mostly American dogs Some deer ticks this year. they're all deer ticks, supposedly specifically to withstand cold temperatures That post is was from march sixteenth two weeks before Snope said that the story originated All right? And it's pretty interesting here we have a whistleblower saying that they are paid to disbperse ticks across Wh why why? why why No That sounds eerily familiar to what we're hearing about, these boxes of ticks that are being found And it begs the question Was this person Telling the truth So this form thoughtop This was there's another one about in the war they would drop ticks to spread disease So Canada is declaring war. there's also Ontario Go ahead. Okay' use ticks as bioeapons. That's more clear. That's Yes, it's actually in CIA And it makes sense. if it's a bistance, infected ticks were deployed from C one thirty s flying lowly over hurricane fields in Cuba back in the day under President Kennedy there is abundant evidence of the take field testing of infected ticks other insects in a variety of settings in in that's true States and elsewhere. Clearly Samarid was involved No one thinks twice It's basically any more information. The idea is because there's What is it when you get Ticks Lyme disease There's a new one. That's something incurable, like what's worse a little bit So if you want to and also They're coming up with a vaccine for this I don't know if this is true and it sounds made up, but that sounds kind of made up. But apparently If you go on your phone, you go on TikTok They are able to geoengineer Ticks to come through your phone. microscopic ticks. On TikTok, on Ts TikTok. I mean, it's When they invented it, they go, isn't it? weren't we giving away our secret plan to destroy the world with the name TikTok? No, itosed to be aer onnce you download it, you're asking for ticks. Yeah, and you can never leave it. And it gives you spontaneous I had tick my head, Dana When I slept with my Um, careful. It gives you a facial German shepherd, princess Dana, not the way you think of it slepp on your face She was having puppies out back, so Judy let me sleep. in the doghouse. And she had thirteen punkin puppies And it was so joyous. I had maybe twenty five ticks in my hair I'm not even joking words like this. Brian goes, I'll get it with players. It was We had to Well, that expls and they were all full of the brim with Juicy o pie. But you never got Lyme disease Interesting. I'm just weak and feeble I don't know. We didn't have it back then I don't know if those are the Kennedy box ticks Mmm. I I grab one. I go, arere you a box tick Sook come Yeah And then then they have a vaccine to help you with it Yeah It's always a vaccine. They already said Bill Gates has a vaccine for They're working for this strain of Ebola The new strain that has sixty eight deaths Sorry, I just hit my brain. You said tick box. Is that where the phrase ticks all the boxes come from? No pun intended think so know I know it's early for your birthday, but I got you a box of ticks I'm gonna throw on your farm You know what's really adorable is when I get up and I go down and I'm having a cup of coffee in the morning and the horses I They see people moving around And you look over And they just are waiting for breakfast. So they're just two beautiful horses and they're just like, And they don't, they don't move. They're just like staring at me because they're like, here's the assle' supposed to give me some carrots. withith not moving. Oh we give them special treats and carrots and apples. Once you're taking care of animals like You should treat chicks that way and be nice to them. Animals have no higher consciousness. likeike I've said before, they they remind you to just chill't try to take life too seriously. Yeah, I like they just do their thing. J just leave them alone. That's what they want. They like They just want to be fed some water and they, hey, let's go over there. let's go over there. you know, And sometimes they throw a party. they start jumping around and horses going, if you get time, can you throw a saddle on me and kick me a few times putut your full body weight on. putut some big heavy steel thing in my mouth first Yeah and yank on it. Yeah ed forces. All right I think that's it, Danx's I think Yeahah, we're right up against it right They said it couldn't be done and they had a point Next week we'll get to the story soer, but we had a lot to talk about Okay, by the way, go off to I don't know when I go to grownups, but we will We'll work around that Uh yeah, we'll have to figure out that All right, Danis, stay on when I jump off. Yeah, don't We're going to read some ads and do some intros. All right guys, thanks for watching. Thanks for watching once again and see you next week with new characters. That's me going underwater to end the show Here's me going anywhere blow the you blow the air out through your nose, you don't have to do wious