The Pork Pie Wedding Brawl

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Yeah. but So yeah, I spent much of the week Well dggling No. I saw Two different doctors accidentally, they just happened to come to the stand upp show I was doing. and they came backstage after and said yourour voice sounds terrible. You should goargle soluble aspirin. So that's what I did. They both said the same thing. That's good. Yeah. if one of them had said Gargle so soluble aspirin and the other had said whatever you do, do not go. That's a thing that other doctors say' terrible. For the first time in my life and accidentally I got What could only be termed the second have been brilliant. Yeah. So I did it although I bought now here's a thing. I bought soluble aspirin, but it wasn't soluble aspirin. Oh, what was it? it's easy You b up some guy called Spider in West London. They've either changed the name of soluble aspirin or there are There are variations on solubility But it was called dispersable aspirin. Oh no way And it no it did what soluble aspirin did, but I did think, well have I got the wrong this does this not Does he spread a bit more You you know what? I think that's like Calvin Classic pants What you think? Yeah on the ra? Oh, no, it was cheaper. We've given it away. I'll have to goargle it Now Gargling now, I've never gargled so much in my life And welcome to my world. No, but until what I realized, I realized that There's a bit more to goargling than you might think. You think you just, you know have some go Oh there's quite a few techniques. I that's other thing that you did then If you gogle three times a day, it's a bit like, you know the old outlierers twenty thousand hours. Yes. By the end of the week, my goargling was It's a bit like KPopy guys. liquid. I was really qu I was doing all sorts of variations. I found that if you made a noise, you know, if you sort of went instead of just Change the bits of the throat that you like a kazoo. Yeah, be like a kazoo. I found I've got a friend in Jesus was the ideal seem to cover. Yeah, it's true though seem to cover everything. So it's how's the romantic side of your relationship with Katha? Well I didn't do it in the kitchen. I went into the privacy of the tit. O c. woman I think gargling if there's any children this n I think goargling is to You know, when you' at school and you play the recorder and then that point comes, if you're doing all right, the teacher says, I think you could switch to the clarinette. I think we're goargling, someone com is how this is going? Someone could say to you know what? I think you're ready to yodel. Oh The other thing I had was I had a really bad back. Oh that wouldn't have stopped me doing the show, but it was How bad was it? put it this way It was made worse by goargling. 'cause the arching of the bat. what a terrible vicious circle I found was trapped. Yeah. So how much do you watch? So the you have to watch quite much otherwise Oa. Yeah, you know, Yeah too He doesn't lying on the floor and he goggggles, just pulls his head back. He's got like a fountain of mouthwash that he goggles with I can't goargle because I'm paranoid about the neighbourors I mean, I say that. I don't mind them seeing me taking the bins out in a rabbit on day? But still, none of that was a euphemism by the way. What you should do is do it in a fox on. So that's like a fox getting in the bins. Yeah I just wear my urban Fx pyjabas. I spilt red wine on the rabbit ones. it was awful. Look like I water shiip down Well why would they mind the gogggleing Just because it's a bit of an unpleasant sound. I'm going tell you something. I don't feel that anymore. I feel it's I feel it's an acquired skill And why did the back Why did the back affect the gargling that much? so how bad is the back Well, it's better now, but it was really. And the trouble was People would say to me, you know, what happened to you back? And I made a point I think on the show a while back that when you get older, injuries don't come with an anecdote anymore. So people say young people say to you, Oh bad back what happened? And you go, nothing. a bad back happened. I don't have an exciting Oh I had a couple of drinks, we're trying to get over this wall.' God Thereose these guys in Gil centery. Oh comeome on its really good's really good grp back at my house. I little f. I don't have any of those. just way company ow. that's how it goes. I'm still reeling from the idea of you having a friend called Giles. somebody else telling this Dudley. Obviously, but yeah, so I had a caround back. Oh I Cffing back Yeah, I wrote the tales of Hoffmouth That's the first ever Jacques off and backack joke. I think there's been on absolute radio. Yeah, I didn't get it. I didn't That's all right, Jque right You just glad it exists. Yeah. If that's what you. an experimental theatre, you don't have to enjoy. I'm just glad it exists ite strrange tweets come in I wonder how many times the cockkerel will crow Ven diagram this week? Anyone else notice how often he says it? Oh, really? Oh is that one of your phrases, is it? Oh my go two phrases. But the idea of the cockkerel crowing has made me think it'd be worth watching him goargle. Would it have an element of Do it feels self conscious gargling in front of you You were in front of me because I know that guy. Yeah. I'd be saying, Oh, that's you're a bit low on the l. I think you're sounding a bit tooppy. Yeah. Yeah exactly. Yeah, you need to just take the edge off that. It's my advice I'm like you now You know, you watch the Winter Olympics and you do get that sense if I really put some time in on any one of these events, I could meddle in four years time. Yeah.. someone got a gold after doing it for five years. That's not happening in the World Cup, is it? No There's a lot of that going on. Vanessa May. Yeah. Vanessa May sked. He thanks for the tip. F, you know, we haven't discussed this morning. said well lots of stuff well. The Brits and the Baters. Oh yes. Because it was awards week. You may have been at home in bed. Is it what they call the award season? Very much so, well done for getting that right.. Caroline Scanon has tweeted, Please can the panel discuss the insightful comments from the Arctic mononkeys at the Brits Yes, well, in case you didn't see this, Alex Turner. Well done f. P the all guided good I feel like I should be on a sort of petrol powered lawnmower and donongarees at this stage. See, is he called Alex Alex Tur Is that his name that dude? Yeah, he got up with it with his monkey man. He is And he didn't know fir. How do you feel of the monkeys Well, I think they're, you know, they're all right. I' too busy singing to put anybody down Well, that's true. They're not as good as theirs one. No let's get that right U But They've adopted an Arctic role. things are different. Lovely. But he got up and he was a bit different. He'd obviously written and learned a sort of slightly poetic speech, whichich I liked. Did you? Yeah last hand. I mean, let's face it, you don't hear much poetry at the Bricks Oing whenever I watch the Brits, I always think to myself, I'm really glad I'm in comedy Yeah Because I find comedians to be bright, intelligent, witty and generally good hearted people. The music business is a fall magnet. I don't know that there's any debate about that. I mean it is I think you're a gathering of fools. One after the next? And you just spend your time wondering what the collective noun is none of them paid any attention at school. A Brit Award ceremony of Briter Fools But so when he got at least he did I mean, don't get me wrong, it was poetry that one might receive on a greetings card from a fifteen year old. Was it? But even so it was it was about rock and roll and about you can't Rck and' roll will never die. which I think is a sentiment that may have been voiced before. but He didn't just come up and say, thans very much He did a bit of a poem and respect to him for, you know, for at least doing that On the night, you know, Cbar he was the Shakespeare of the evening. But then this was I think the controversial bit. had he had a Yeah was old in a microphone. He And he said invoiceed me for the mic and then he dropped it on the floor. Yeah and I didn't like that. You can't help thinking that young boys who like the Arctic monkeys all over Britain they will be grabbing the school microphone in assembly Yeah and saying invvoice me for the mic. And a lot of them won't be that registered. That's true. The invoices will be they might have them on card. there'll be an administrative nightmare the invoices. Yeah. So the number of sure SM fifty eight s that are going to be being invoiced for Yes, the nation is going to be G good knowledge, Alal. Thanks very much You know that made me quite attracted to you you knew that brand of mic because I don't know any mic. I think on the night, relatively speaking, I thought they come out of it. apart from the mic thing, which is at the end of the day public vandalism Apart from that, they came out. he did come out as someone who could speak if if prodded We've had an email in that I think displays some ignorance of the situation here. Dear Fank Emily and the Cochrane spelt incorrectlyct. Yeah, C or C R A I N. that's one of the worst misspellings of it ever. Ca. People are joining in. Okay I was wondering if any of' been said before it ended in tears Yeah I was wondering if any of you went to the Brit Awards this week or if you watched it on television The email then goes on to slag off James Cordon a little bit. I'm not going to read that bit because it's a bit mean Anyway, he's now not doing it anymore, which leads me to my question.ot dot. There is now a job vacancy for next year. I feel this show needs someone with confidence, a bit of aedge and someone who could command respect from their audience with an added touch of humour thrown in for good measure. It's my agent. Someone very quick witted, also someone who loves music and all of a sudden I was thinking of you Frank So firstly, if you were asked to do it, would you? Secondly, if you didn't want to do it, why not And who would nominates Well, the thing is I have done it. And it didn't go that well So u I u I'd done if they'd asked me back I think that's the first time that bit of music has ever been needed since I joined this show.' I stopped dating. I've thought of using it to fill some of the long paws is you leaave. But wouldould I do it again, that's a question, isn't it? Would I go back and think, hey Y, what a challenge I can remember it so well You do not want to go down memory lane? I remember it quite well ye. I can remember exactly the clothes you had on Yes, I can remember. The wcoat Union jack waistcoat was that shirt actually It was it actuallyally made Union jack shirt. A sat silver sateine effect suit. W, yes, Yes. Well it had to take quite a lot of sweat as if it went up. And some blood Can I ask your question, Frank? Why is the Brit so difficult? Why did you Is it such an awful gig? Because the music business is a full magnet I might as well have walked out into you know, a Friday night crowd in in an average town of drrunken fools Yeah and started talking to them about the The poetry of Philip Lark U But you know,'t you can't always blame your credit. at the end of the day, it just went badly. Misjudged and awful. God, this is really backfirered, doesnn't it? No. I'm just happy that some people have forgotten. F feels like we're in this psychiatrist's chair now. This is my favourite three minutes of radio. Yes Friends to day mter Yeaz way in the pase. The day of the Triffid's music would be ideal for gargling, I imagine. That's be a tricky what. Isn't that a reference to Emily appearing in that How is that? Somebody that knows, I'm just assuming I think they're just suggesting that if you were to recreate that it's got no I. I thank you for reminding everyone of that. It's good that I am your sort of audio IMDB isn't it. We've also had Frank, I'd forgotten about you presenting the bit Brits. Thanks for the reminder. The uncomfortable bilius feeling I had at the time has returned and put me off my bick and an egg budy Yeah, imagine what my uncomfortable videoos ph was like, Don't come crying to me. It's al right. I thought you did a lovely job. Everyone asked to have you know, the good Gege Clooney and monument men What is it Everyone has that. Everyone has that in their back catalog. Yes Well, of course, you know he was in ER, oneing let's not forget that he was great in ER Yeah, strange conversation. You know there used to be an old black country joke when I was a lad. You're gonna do ER? Do know Yeah. Okay, I won't do it. Oh I feel really upset we. I've got a bilious feeling. Let's come back. Hey, we need to talk about the Bapffs as well. Did you watch? No the prrince That's more up your styles a Frankl. I I did watch the Bafts. Did you like? The other prince was involved, wasn't it? Well it was. That was a terrible incident. Tinny Tinny temper Tinny temper. Well, if he's going insist on misspelling it, then it gets called Tiny It's called tiny. All right, Tiny temper. high fiveived the future king. Well. He actually, to be fair the Prince William high fiveed him. Oh really? He did''t. No I thought he got the high five right and Tiny Temper sort of grabbed his hand. You know when when you have that terrible combo of someone Did he kiss on high five? He sort of grabbed the hand Oh no He grabbed the raised flat hand. ye But also had you been singing? You know, when they go a bit dryer eyes making a bit balladady? Howadd you been doing one of those but it was all a bit all your sucker MCs? Yeah. I don't know if it was appropriate You know, it was I love the ceremony though, I have to say. Be I like to see the frocks, you see. And for me, a lot of black frocks this year Well spotted Alan Cochrane. Thank you, Cchan black and a lot of men wearing black and white and a black tie. Branjlina black tie do. Brangelina Brangelina, Branjlina, pretty little thing. Branjlina dance, Branjlina Sing. Brangelina Sing was the girl I went to school with. Yeah. If they were friends of yours, you could have that when they run you. That could be like they incoming stone. Eactly. Iagine Their ring is a pair. I don't know Well, they dress as a pair. I think they show r I always they'd worn one suit. One big suit, one big black tie suit. One rabbit oneie walked in like madness, you know, secret eyes walk great.'s that time they embrace the humour of their relationship. What do you boys think of that as men? I felt the woman in the t because they had matching tuxedos designed by Sanara . No was somewhere else I'm sure. What? S sure his was somebody else's Oh dear. L What's happened to him?ave You've been drinking out of A windows? Well, I thought he looked magnificent And I was surprised when it said that she was thirty nine and he was fifty. Brad Pitt's fifty, get old. He looks good. He looks amazing. hold on. He looks hot old press Brad looked good George good. Oh yeah, Brad Pitt, come the thing of it. he's quite a good looking man. George. Yeah. Who knew? That's never struck me before, I must say. It really struck me looking at those pictures. I you know what I' done if I'd want to go on h with him D't h I don't know if they'd be sizling conversationlists. I think they're quite bright. Dar? Yeah What about Jam J wear a file of? Jame Judy had the tapestry scarf J Morr Dam Judy looked absolutely furious, not to we best actress. I mean, honestly, I thought she's gonna break a bottle on the table in a minute and say you bed, I'll come anywhere near me. She look at as angry as anyone's ever looked about anything Well, you've got previous with her after the Iivy Which I still think you misinterpreted that. She looked like she'd eschewed the offer of wide and she said actually can I just have a sace and malt before they announce? hest This senseless feud has got to stop I was offered raar of the Ye, the year On a very similar note. The year before I won it, I was offered Rear of the yearar and I couldn't make the ceremony and they withdrew the offer and gave it to Richard Fairbrath What she on you se exit hang on Hang on, hang on, hang on. Does he know that now? Oh you right know. I don't think he listens, does I imagine If you like it Rice don't tell him because that's not going to make him feel good. I think he's up late on a Friday night. I off. He was down his blushes. He was dancing to high energy at three A this morning. I think we could' safely say about He won't be listening. Can I ask you a question about Richard Perbras Not not something I ever thought I'd say on this show. Does he wear the trilby? if you know what I mean? Does he have to wear the trilby? or is there a choice inv Boldd? He's always Bld. That's what I mean wasas that choice? U I think you can mull it over. O think. U Mull it over. Yeah Hello just sayince Prince William made a classic comedian's error. Oh, what's that? Well, if you're a comedian and you're on lightater in the bill, it's very wise to watch the earlier comedians because they're liable to do a joke, especially topical stuff. They're liable to do a joke and then you'll do a similar joke later when the audience feel that down Very early on Stephen Fry, one might might say that Stephen Fry should have left this joke to Prince William. But anyway he went on and said Hel Mirin is here this evening and she's with her with her grandson And it was a joke about Prince William being there. And then Prince William came out after and said, Oh the woman Iose I should call the Granny. And you can tell that laugh was ha rather than People think we've already had that. It was a bit of someone laugh at Kim Jong Unon's jokes. It's terrible. He used to be a comedian called Alie O'Neill. I remember he arrived at the Aas Irish? Yeah, he arrived at the comedy store and he was on before someone else. and they said to him you doing anything about Salmon Rosday? And he said, What can I do? I always liked And we're live from the living room as Doug eyes up the match they spread. He's reaching for the buuffalo wing. Perfect Hang on, what's this? Oh, he's good for C of Pepsi too. Inredible What a finish. sensational combination. Look at the delight on his face. There's no doubt about it. He just tastes better Match days deserve Pepsi. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a pack of Pepsi Zero suugar for today's match It's poetry in motion. Our Ramascal Ls is youac cada project whileent andber. Our Achine Porento Nunas Alexion de Puertas andras Santiore personal Ss. Ademas our Renta do Aresenunkit the doos Ramientas the wolf de Vaine Voltos Max Pentos Centa Nuevedol Ares. Yenel Proesqu the Lws try to list the material seescrita and una photo in reciibuna coticion and Nutos Ajisaus prorojectos Mrasig O Rndo Coves Bostasetochoot resistance Mar Pua. S I been dinner time. Inad of things quite frightening Hello Frank, Emily and Allen. I'm a longtim reader, first time resident of Email Corner. There was some chat on the show a few weeks ago about stepping on things after Frank stepped on Jupler for the first time. Yes, I think I talked about my mates Auntie stepped on a three pin plog, stepped off a chair to a threein. Yeah This is a daily occurrence in my life as I work at a community center with young children. However, this is nothing compared to what happened to me whilst I was working as a summer camp counllor in California. It almost needs a doneundon there, doesn't it? I like summer camp in California. It's very Charlie Brown. I was only counllor. twentyenty two at the time, twenty two's not old enough to be a counillor, isn it? You don't enough about the world to councsel, I don't think. I agree. I'm going say it Living with a cabin full of sixteen year old girls and we didn't often clean up. wom This is Lindseay from Toronto.. Well, Lindseay SAY, so jury's out. Oh o One day while running out of the cabin late for a program, I stepped on an upturned hairbrush with metal bristles that was lying on the floor next to my bed. The metal bristles pierced the sole of my shoe and went about an inch and a half into the bottom of my foot. I fell to the ground and against better judgment, immediately attempted to pull the hairbrush out of my foot. It took two girls to accomplish this I spent the next three weeks on crutches and had to be rushed to hospital for a tetanus shot for a medical professional. to examine the ten to fifteen puncture wounds on my foot. I would have rather than ask them to pull it out, I'd say, canan you put another one in the other foot? And can someone reel Bllera up on Spoty fight? And I would give them a glorious demonstration ending with me lying full stretched on the floor with bleeding feet and two hairbushes sticking out of them Yeah. Yeah Its interesting. it doesn't it doesn't Does it sound painful? I'm sure itounds painful It. Anyway, carry on. She says than she or probably Proably she, I think. Thankfully I avoided infection and have lived another two years to tell my tale. Congratulations. I like the lack of total optimismactly. So far, so good. Never will a metal bristled brush be tolerated in my presence again. Oh Stight. Thanks, Lindseay, twenty four Toronto PS Bieber's Homeland says Hello and Emily, you are a ledge Oh, thank you very much. You are alleg You certainly got it late. I am, I'd imagine if you stood on a hairbrush and it went through, you get that wild of You know that wad of hair Oh yeah. that' be a nice cushion th. Yeah. I'm wondering if those how Nikey hairs were inventedike It's like that m. Perhaps they were originally called sppiky hairs. Yeah. And then someone said we can't en. You know I have so much of that line. I spend all day doing that, getting out of hair brrushes and I could actually stuff cushions with the amount of hair that I gath If you gathered it, you could send it for They horse hairing. Oh ye that. Horse hair in wigs. Horse hair for horse wigs.. Isn't it horse hair that they use? Emily will know? They used horse hair in wigs What you' talking about? I thought they use horse hairing wig. Oh They use real people hair. Do they? That' we'll discuss it over ha here. Oh, o Yeah, it's quite a big Business the real people here weeks? Is it? God I've got a business card somewhere. It's conf reg days days a studentays se wee this is take Well we should move on to a story that has caught my eye V understand. Very close to my ees and diamond Sy Nose. Well, it might not when I start reading it, but o.'s I'm tempted to say, have you heard the word about? but it's not a joke. It's absolutely true. There was a wedding bral. say I am reminded in. What's Yorkshire which began over a pork pie. pololice were called. A couple's wedding celebrations were interrupted by a brawl that is thought to have started over a pork pie. and thirty or forty guests were involved in the disturbance. There was a big fight I like that you're using the disturbance. My favourite quote in it is the bride was devastated. H dress was ruined. She had a lovely big white gown and it had beer and WKD all over it. like that's like when I stayed in the Arsenal team hotel. Oh is it? Yeah lovely big oneite I don't think that's ruined. Surely that's somewhat improved. So they could have slurp that, couldn't they? They don't wear them again though't had the big white gown. No, but Well it depends. My mate who's really coffee he quite often asks for a. It's really into coffee. George Cle. Yeah, that's right. mee George Cl. Me and George Clone it go way back He was in alwaysways in everyone with me when I played Jason in the Asthmatic But You know, my mate was really into coffee. He has pour oververs if you' heard about that where They basically pour it through like a muslin cloth or something. This could be like an alcohol. Is he strung out? He's all strung out on caffeine.. This could be like an alcohol version where you pour beer and WKD through a wedding gown and just slurpe it off. I say. it might be quite nice It might be a nice ritual on the wedding night to drink stuff strain through the wedding roow. Lly was was what was the dispute about the portport? I don't know, but can I tell you the groom? I told you don get trellies top. Fank the groom had sh a shaven head And we know where we're standing on these shaving headed people I'm all right, wish should ha' had it p. I bet there was an entire table that was just devil dogs sitting on the b do food on that table that's my theory. I've been trying to get to the bottom of what happened in this fight. Thank sry. Apparently all started with a water pistol and then a pork pie got thrown. I didn't realize it was a thrown por pie. I thought the whole thing was about the wrong por pie. someomebody going, I asked for gara pie. You know one with the slice of egg in it. Why would anyone fall out over carbs? Awful. Pork pieies mainly You seen sure. Oh haveave you seen a pork pine recently?ot much meat in it Yeah, I think're you're taking the word pork very literally Yeah. There's a lot of pastry. If someone dros a pork pie there's going to be Tumble, isn't there? Yeah They're looking for bothother. Well, you know that shaven headed groom that I spoke of earlier for some contempt E though I've never met him. It's an in barrloth.'s good northern look His quote was, it was a brilliant day. You've got to expect a punch up at a wedding Yeah, he took it well. Little insight into his soler this wedding, they did essentially fall out over carbohydratesate Yeah There a small amount of protein in it Which is a curious thing to have a row about. whether they rowled over it or whether it's because someone threw it, I don't know As it says in the article, they had been drinking since two PM, which it says as if it's that remarkable, I think Yeah, it's a wedding. That's surely That's a nightstandle.. What happenven did they sleep in? Yeah. And the other thing, when I used to get to weddings as a young man We were just topping off the amount of drink we've had the night before, which people now stagn night's happen like three months before and yeah there's no element of danger attached to them. Yeah. And you don't get that long stream of urine coming from the back of the church P peopleople stick around the back of the ch used to all come aroundouse. it's on all the wedding photos of the nineteen seventies. It's where people have been to the side of the church and then all the urine has run aroundound to the front. as if like an enormous train of urine coming from a mystery bride who's waiting in the wings. I love seventies's wedding. All those women with terrible hair That's true, of course. Um Frank, when I read the story, I did think I don't take this wrong way, but it did remind me of you a bit because no, but you do tend to You do get sort of knocked over little things, don't you But you do sometimes was fastic Won says you are you must' been a bit of a game Yeah, I had him. I had that I was in How re? We're ha to keep down the b. Yeah. and might girlfriend said Kath said to me. So what color was your What's the natural color of your hair I said, Well you can see, C you? She said, Well, no, it's gray now. And I said, it's not all gray, is it? And she said, ye. And I said, No, no, you can still see you still see some of the originals. She said, No, it's complete. Some of the originals, like the original band line up. And I thought I remember thinking to myself, she had a mental breakdown And I honestly thought, and this is T's terrible now looking back. I said to her, You know, I amm afraid to sleep with you tonight in case you put a knife through my backag. I think you've had a mental break though And she said I can't blame you said that You I say I'm with Cath on this. I know, but I'm not saying neither of us will blame us. But I'm just I said look, this is difficult because I sound like I'm getting upset because you're saying I've got loads of great hair. but I'm just cur the facts. You can see I mean bear in mind, this was five years ago or more. It was even more of my natural color showing than there is. Why didn't you go up to a Parisian and ask their opinion? Well we were in this was almost. This was late at night M So She got me to text three friends text, which we both agreed on, which was not a leading question Your Honor And I texted it at about Eleven o'clock at night, I texted three friends. You did completely out the blue. What color is my hair You didn't Yeah I know it's not me No because you know you'd get a big bite of the reality sandwich And then we might But you know, I know there's a lot of grrainy, but you can see it, can't you? The original color. I think I'm at the wrong side for this. I'm soing. Anyway you could six years ago six years ago would definitely have seen real when we had this argument, real colred hair, real colour horse of hair? So we had techs started coming back that all said the same sort of things, sort of mousy blonde Right not as greatful. So on earth are you asking me this? Um I think some of them did add that, supposeed. I if I received that I would just think, God, holidays are boring when you don't drink I think that they I don't think that they're sending out texts about what hair color they've got this I would have dr in a bar in that Iris. sure. Well, they't think I' got drunk. I now was both blind and had amnesia But it was That was a different We split up on the strength of it. Did you? we did get Oh cononggratulation, hold on. Yeah we got back together. That sound the nice thing about having a petty rat in In Parish. Oh It very much wasn't a petty row. It was a petty row. it was a rownd a ru Grand Tune in next week for more puns in French. Yeah. Yeah I felt like with a friend actually, I should say and didn't speak to her again. honestly true. because we both liked Adam the Ant and I think you have to make a decision who likes who That's fair enough. Yeah. She was Adama Hunt Rotew. was Was she adamant? Everyone has their cross to bear and I went for Terry Lee which I thought was a more I don't know. I didn't think you were even ate cheese. I thought a slightly more intellectual choice. whenever that's like Fancying David Bil over Rob Newan. Well, but it is, it's when you someone who's got a more sort of, you know I think Dav every's not better looking. Alternative ties. Well, there you go, That's because you have alternative ties. I don't think anyone argue with that Anyway, I went for Terry Lee And fair's fair. We all know where we stand. Then Adam starts getting a bit too famous. She doesn't like it. She decides she likes Terry Lee. Oh no. And she announced it in front of a room and she said she announced hers first So cdertainly you look whos the ris? Yeah. She said, I like Terry Lee I said, Lind know. I got really upset. I bet you did. And never spoke to her again I think that one's all right. I don' me' pare not. I's not petty. That's fine now. Are you a petty man, Alen? No, but I seem to have I have a pettiness area that is in car hygiene because I spend a lot of time driving. and so I'm trying to get the car clean. I don't know if you remember I said that I was going to laminate the rules of no eating in the car on the show. You're going laminate the car interior. thought you were going to laminate mses Concrell. No eating in the car rules. The very next day my wife said I'm going to give the kids a quiss on each. I mean a quiss on idiculous. That's just a crome machine. But I've on occasions taken photographs of in carar. I. My wife left some chewing gum in a wrapper in like the in a little wellld in between the car front seats. Oh you're familiar with. Where you put a pilot change? Just a piece of chewing gum on top of it. Last too a photograph I took a photograph and sent it and it just said a new l dot dot dot. pict. I think it brings out a pettiness in me car hygiene. I, you know what, I think you're right. Yeah I think I'm in the right Franc other bays, Frriend other bays. We've had an email in. I should explain, Frank. in your absence, Emily started a somewhat different type of text and email in. When you're here we do stuff like have you ever had a row over a port pie? It's now changed somewhat to have you ever been on a private jet? No it' like Tony. whereere you last on a you l last on a private jet? Get it right Dear Fank, Emily, Allen and Steve if Hols in the house, justust a quick note to reassure Emily that some of your readers do have some private jettails. A my first ever hitch brackets trip Apparently that's what it's called On an oil rig in the Sahara desert in Algeria finished. Myself and a coworer were sent back to the main town of Hassi Mesomut Messa Od M I don't know I'm glad he is re gettinging this email, not me. I did wonder to wait for the next flight home, which was planned to be the following day. This was on the oil company's private jet at G two, which seated around ten to twelve people. Oh I know those ones. Oh yeah, me too. However, as we arrived at the airport from the rig We noticed the jet we expected to take the following day was on the ground. It had made a special flight out with qu. had it arrived oily. But yes. very good. Nly I love her Thankank Oh right's laughing. Iw someonemost draining a radiator for a second th I bet some monies. Probably some wayay Soery absolute radio listener to trainer radiation. I made a specialight out with some equipment which meant the two of us were the only passengers plus the pilot co pilot and steward. Grand leather seat each and as much San Miguel we as we wanted for the two hour flight to Madridrivate. Briiant. S sounds brilliant I remember thinking that trips home don't get any better than this, and nearly twenty years later composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea, they certainly haven't sadly commercial reality set in from Madrid to London and we had to get back in line and turn right for the rest of the journey home.' all Jeff. I think that's an amazing email, not just the private jet journey., but the bit where he says composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea. I had a moment ago Wow We've got listeners on oil rigs. So he said When he said an oil rig in the Sahara desert. Yeah. So he's been in one in the Sahara desert, one in the North say that must be a different sort of experience. he gets about. It' really nice for me. for twenty years I on that I've had a couple of private jet experiences just lately. I' been. Yeah, it's an age thing, I suppose. What happened I wet myself. Absolute abolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. on Asolute Radio I' to talk about my damaging levels of mind wandering Hermie, what's happened? Well I changed car last week, so I've been spending a lot of time searching for a replacement car for my old one. Can I just say it to you before do this The way you've got your headphones on is you've forced a sort of. You've forced the spike You look like a novelty lighter. Oh good You've just got a little pointy flame like thefest, did.ell tell me what you look impishish I'm enjoying looking impish because I don't think it's something I often look. I think I'm impish Gormless or gangling a good reference? Itsly imppty. Well. I don't get the I don't get anything today, doar I'm not sure it's great radio if we talk about how I look I'm sorry. Well does that ever worried us. So I've changed vehicles. No one else seems to worry about great radio. No true Frank's going bemoans the state of radio. No he, not absolute where the g correct I've been on the auto trrader app quite a lot and then I finally checked autio app I finally changed vehicles. I have to three of it. Someone on the sh is going to say I've been on the auto trainer. Who will live in me? I love you. You're so normal. I've changed I've changed the car. he's a weird me I am weird. He is a weird G this know I've finished we finished with all that. I've changed the vehicle happy and then the other day I caught myself spending quite a long time thinking Maybe I should get a motorbike. Why? I'm always on the train or in the car. I should be spending time at home. but I actually had a look on auto trrader at motorbikes and thought Well I'm going to need to do the direct access course so that I can legally ride a proper powerful motorbike.re you're not going to get a harley. You know what, you know what stopped it? I was when was it Dctor Fox I remembered that they need maintenance and I can't be bothered. I. I remember that they need a terrible personality to ride one as well Remember that bit? I'm gonna to have to pump the tres I imagine I oily fingers. Surely eighty five percent of our listeners ride a motorbike. D't you should have said that. We'll start getting textings now saying people people saying no, you should do the direct access motor and then get a Honda CBF six hundred I think he would be a nice person and still ride a motor I do. I know several people. it's probablyassed about You're having to go back quite far to dredge one off, aren't you? E? nineteen fifty two. Marishinee. Oh I've got up to about my ch.ine. I just don'tickers S it He you subscribe Your motorbikes were quite trendy, they were bit like horses. They were quite glamorous in the seventies and eighties. it died out and it went a bit holly Davidson get your motor running. I Dad in a denim jacket. I know there is an element of midlife crisis about it. There's no doubt about that. You had to say. You haven't been considering pointy side burns. Mving next week. Pointyide Burns is the new BBC drama about a gangst in the West Midland It's just be careful, Alan. I'm not to get one. There's no point in telling me or they're dangerous and it rains a lot. Alan Partridge born to be wild. And also I live in the Northwest where it rains too much, so I'd just invably be soaking everywhere I' it I daydream a lot as I've fessed up on the show before. Yeah. I have long and elaborate daydreams. On the toilet sometimes. Often on the toilet off and on the toilet. yeah. If fightonomy falls?. Now I've started listening to podcasts on the toilets which is you know, they say the smartphone is killing dayaydream. you know this theory? Yes, I think that's. People used to sit in daydream they look at stuff. But my current one is that I Ier I'm young again and I start playing tennis as a British tennis player. I get through the Cifine rounds to Wimbledon. You're young again. Yeah.. mean Wh yours was like nineteen forties film plot? Well because I can't can't dream that. You can't enter British tennis. it's fifty seven It wouldn't make any sense unless unless you're u Andy Morriss mom Anyway, I am So I I turn up and I get by a faky thing, I'm drawn against R Rapfael Nadell in the first round. number one court. We don't make sense to court because I' non seeded And I beat him in straight set he doesn't even win a game One of my things is that the outfits I wear and there's no sponsorship at all. I just get them from the market. I look at white sport from the market White China is from the market. So there's no sponsorship. I've even sanded the a wooden racket and I've sanded it so there's no wooden racket.'s nice. So yeah It's a daydream about glory, but in a way, it's a daydream about I day dream about being humble. That's what H humility and glory. I daydreams we've got titles. P humility and glory. Phs that's Wbled. I day dream about walking into dner party wearing a ker coat I'm afraid that you day dream? I know that's what would I imagine people going, Oh, that coat looks amazing. Oh, isn't Emily Lucky? I don't. I honestly dream that people say that. Id love her life. Be of the coat of the coat. Yesterday I was daydreaming about turning up at the bricks with a backpack flamethrower and then saying okay, just invoice me for Alex Turner We've taken all our radio shows and a bit of editing and tying. It's a walkown memory and I know people find new things quite frightening. 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