New Year Traditions and Meals

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I wasn't just visiting her on the QT, that's what you think. Oh that girlfriend. And um I I went to the local um church. Lovely old beautiful church. Oh they've got lovely ones around that part of the world. Oh, haven't they? Yeah. And I took um I took my son in there and um I was with my my girlfriend Kath and uh her sister Rachel and her new husband Jack. We were all in there. But there was no one else. The church was deserted. We just went in for a l of a for a look. And there's a massive um nativity scene, as you might expect at that time of the year. Yeah. Um big um uh figures. What size are we talking? I'd say they were a a good um a a foot say a foot high for a for a I'm what about king without crown. Okay. Well the big chess piece pieces that you see in the street sometimes. Massive. Really b.ig I'm going cranky. Quite um quite big. Yeah, pr possibly. And um so uh I was with my son who's um uh uh new listeners, uh he's called uh Boz, I think the name site s sound that a bee makes. B U double Z. And uh he um he was uh he he was he reached out. Now I thought there was a glass panel at the front. There wasn't and he pushed he he he pushed one of the shepherds on the shoulder. The shepherd went out he went over. Oh exactly. He fell over. But the thing was that um you know when you get these things in the paper when someone's killed someone in the street and they say, Well, I only It wasn't my fault. Well he hit his head on um on w s one some of the cattle representatives and it snapped completely off his head. Oh he decapitated the shepherd. I mean in qu it's quite in in a big, really central, beautifully lit nativity scene in an ornate old church. So I thought right, what um how do I play this? Yeah. So I thought uh I try I w I tried the head to see if it would sit it but it had broken at such an angle. When you say you tried the head, had you clambered over into the hay? Um I could reach if. If I I reached forward I could reach the the head but um it wouldn't the weight had broken it had broken so it wouldn't sit. It wouldn't just sit. And I also thought to just sit the head there would be wrong 'cause some choir boy would be vicious ly caned for having broken that shepherd further down the line. Yeah. Um and so I had some decisions to make. So you're in the church? Yes, so um the head's come off. So the heads come off. I couldn't get it back on. So um I I thought, you know part of me thought 'cause it's not a Catholic church, does it really matter? And then I thought, no, come on. So I went to the vicarage. Oh I don't know what you're think. No. Yeah. I knocked on the door of the Vicarage and uh Did you? Yeah. You did it. I went to confess, as it were. Ironically enough. Yeah. Um anyway Clearly don't do that. No answer. Well that's what I mean, they don't do that. Yeah. Um so uh I thought I don't know. So by now it's it's just me and my brother in law. The uh the culprit has scarpered, yeah. Yeah, he's scarper. Um he didn't seem that bothers. No . So um I went to uh a a local supermarket and bought super glue. No. Yeah. As opposed to blue tech. Yeah, as opposed to blue tech. Uh I'd never used super glue before I realised. You i I imagine it. Well I was hoping so. It's gonna it's gonna hold the head of a mighty shepherd. Oh I'm always using super glue. Mm. Oh the the rogue heel will come off, you see, so women women are more used to. I've never used it before. Can you believe that? I'm a prick man . Pardon. So um I think yeah did I tell you that's my new year's resolution. Oh God . So um absolutely awful. So uh I we went back in. By now it felt like a commando operation. The church was still empty. We went over, there lay the head in the straw . And uh we um I got the glue out, slapped it on. It it dribbled a bit I have to say, which I wasn't I would but I was frightened to touch it 'cause you know we used to talk about super glue about people getting glued to toilet seats. I was frightened . How much did you use? You must have used a fairly slammed the whole tube and I thought it it it so ran a bit down the f gave it a sort of sort of what I would call Joan Collins throat. But um we and so I left it so I never no one knew. Um and that was a few years. Please tell me you fixed it back in the right place. It wasn't all back to front or a bit ski whiff. Oh no, it wasn't hangman sort of. It wasn't like some terrible experiment. No no. It was uh it wasn't like the mouse's ear. No. No, no, I it looked it looked all right from apart from a bit of uh d dribblage at the thorax. Oh that's good. So no one will know it's Drivilege at the Thorax of course is um is my new themed evening that I'm doing at th the Thorax Pob in the world. I thought that was Joan Collins' autobiography. Um you see the good thing is, Frank, you're just answerable to Gordon yourself now. Yes. If no one else saw it. Well does it matter? Have I done anything wrong having glued it back on? Hang on, is is this a parable? Is this like a tree falling in the woods? Oh that's not a parable, is it? No. Can be if you want it to. Can it? Yeah. Would it have been handy if the uh shepherd had just been waiting It would have been handy if there'd been more than two shepherds. Spare shepherds. Because I could have thought I'd take one I'd just take that whole shepherd away with me. But one shepherd's turned up. Well but the rest were angels appeared to you. And only one of you could be bothered to turn up. Rubbish. So um yeah, I can't work out whether I've done right or wrong. No, I think it sounds all right. It's almost like yeah. It never happened then. I took my um son to to church on Sunday morning. Oh did he like it? Did he confess to a proper church. Did he confess that he'd smashed up another church. What is it with you in these churches? It's like football teams. See what he does to at the end of every hymn he goes way which um is not normal. Isn't it? No. I mean it you know That's what the Pope does. Yeah does he? Yeah. Oh god he's he's very down to her. Francis reveal your days, Francis Rio days . Email corner That's uh that's your honour, you've got an EMC. Yeah sustained I never noticed a sustained um rolled R at the end of it. You know rolled R, big big friendly joke. Mm-hmm. It's all stuff to discover. It's like a fine novel. Read it again as find new stuff in it. Yeah. It's one of those jingles. It's the jingle that keeps on giving. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Further to recent missives from readers re use of the arm in cue when dressing young children, indeed. Yes, we should set we should set this up there. W when you dress a r a young child you have to tell them to put their arms in the sleeves or they they they just look at you. Someone suggested that they used um Armin Meifers, the German cannibal as their Which we thought was holy as their catchphrase. Understandable. To be encouraged. And then someone else used um another arm in the I can't remember who that one is. I can't remember that one. Idie Armin. Might have been, yeah.. Yes. Very good Yes. Ross crossed. That's the only time anyone's ever said Idiomin, very good. Very good man. Um The email continues. I f they bowled with it. Maybe if they were bowling with you. You know he's a very good tenpin bowler. Was he on me? He applied for a visa to move to America on the strength of becoming a professional tenpin bowler. Are you making this up? No, I s I swear that's true. I never know. two applications for an American visa, one for um that for his professional um bowling and the other one to go to um Disneyland. He didn't Well check it. Yeah. Check it out. Check it. Press it. Press Prince Belair. We've done the honors. Dead. We've done them now. Is he the Armeen dead? Is that today's texting? You know I like to set up a texting at some point during the show. Yes he is. Yes. Okay . You look like you're really puzzling . Is he dead? You're the expert on him. You know about him being into ten pin bowling. Why would I tell you about it? We'd see much more than a little bit the golden year, so I haven't followed him into the twilight. Shall I uh shall I read this? Yes. Or are we gonna do a a whole Idi omin link? No, no. I opt for Armin Shimmerman uh the the email of the case. Armin Shimmerman, an American character actor, famous I'd question that. Famous for roles in start trek, he that's a typo start trek, which I think is funny. It sounds like the beginning of a long walk. But but remember even the longest walk begins with a single . Again, I couldn't be bothered. Dot dot dot no only to suggest the long sentence being completed, but also the walk. Do you see? He's famous for Star Trek Deep S Deep Space Nine and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is now involved into a little song. It doesn't say what, it's sung to the tune of. But it's to the tune of Nat King Call's Unforgettable. Ar min Shimmerman . That's what you are I'm not sure. I'm not sure it is. Armin Shimmerman from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Okay , it's level . It says Armin Shimmerman, Armin Shimmerman, Armin Shimmer Shimmer Shimmer Shimmer man That is all Okay that's how the email finishes. I wonder we'll never know the tune to that again they get to their arms and I mean I would like to know Chris. Speaking of dressing ch ildren, how old do you get before you absolutely trust the fact that your head is going to emerge through the neck of a t-shirt and don't have the panic that it hasn't come out yet? We've taken all my radio shows and all of it of editing and tightening. It's a walk down memory lane. I know 'cause people find new things quite frightening . I think I need to credit that last email. It was from Chris who I suspect is uh Armin Shimmerman's ag ent in the show business. Armin Shimmerman has been Armin I'm imagining it to the tune a bit of there was a song called I Eat Cannibals in the eighties by a band called Toto Coe. That'd be a bit of a coincidence. It's for Armin and I Eat Cannibals.. Yeah We have. Um okay, this is from Paul. Dear FEC Re people complaining that Frank talks too much about Doctor Who. Yes. I did um I did say we wouldn't mention Doctor Who again on the show because people had complained that we've thought about it too much. It was the anniversary year. It was. Well there's been a lot going on. Um well you say a lot, huh? Not as much as you might uh think. I I was I went to a screening, can I tell you? You're gonna do it He can't he can't stop himself. No but listen, I went to a screening of the Christmas special um a couple of weeks before it it went out at the BFI . And uh I said to Kath, you know, uh do you mind if I go? Because then we won't have to watch it at Christmas, so you got that as a bonus. And she said, Oh okay then . And then she said to me uh the next day, I um I had a look at the uh BFI website, there was no screening. And I thought this is the old this is the old affair accusation. Well you caught and now you're telling us the story live on air. No. Um what it was because it was a bit of a secret screening because it was mainly for MPs and I was on the invite I respect her for checking though, I would have done exactly the same. Really? Yes. Luckily I had I I I arrived with evidence which you won't be able to see on air, but luckily I had I had that with me. Has one of the most impressive photographs I've ever seen. It's a picture of Frank. Sorry . With um he's been superimposed next to Matt Smith and the pretty lady. Yes. Jenna Coleman. Yes, you see that was in the after in the after show you could have your uh picture superimposed on uh So of course I did it. Do you think actually and my picture top with a dialek? Do you want to see that as well? No, just actually Kathy was hoping you were having an affair rather than spending your time doing this, mate. I think an affair would have been a wash up compared to this level of dorkiness. Oh shot your face . The man who does judo Think you'll find it's karate. Well, whatever it is, you're supposed to get out of your system when you're eleven. True though. Some might say the same a doctor Who I realize. I realise that Also, Frank I would consider you something of a celebrity . You are something of something of a celebrity. And it it saddens me, frankly, that you're posing next to superimposed images of other performers. I don't like you doing that. You never lose the child inside yourself. That's what I'm saying. By the way, speaking of which I was watching the London News last night on BBC, there was a feature on Peter the Wild. There's an exhibition at Kensington Palace. Oh can we go? In case you don't know, Peter the Wild um to cut the story short, found in the forest living feral, taken by uh George the First as a as a pet and forced to wear a leather collar. We discover we've made him popular again. Yes. Um famous around the town for staring at bonfires and singing songs without tune, I think was And eating raw onions like an apple. Eating raw onions. Oh can we can you organise that days? Thanks. Okay. Meanwhile Meanwhile at the back of the email. Let's get back to Paul. I think you're going to get on with him, Frank. I love to hear Frank's who chatter. See? And it is a m it is a major reason that I listen to your show. I'm an expat living in France. Hold on one second . Okay . I consequently real ise that I don't have a great deal in common with several of my close friends. Other than the fact that we shall that we share a mother tongue. Close friends, those are the dice. Whereas they are lawyers and geologists and they underst uh understand sport and property prices. I make my living writing computer games, and I understand the difference between phasers and lasers. Excellent. My girlfriend is normal. Oh wait, kind of everything. And pretty. And likes the type of programmes that normal pretty people watch. She sounds great. What are they exactly? Desperate housewives or Little House on the Prairies. House on the Prairie . Still on it just made it in France. He said she still completely sighted the girl. He said she's pretty and normal. He doesn't say she's eighty seven. She will not watch Doctor Who with me. Even when I like this woman. I know that feeling. Even when dubbed into her native French. Oh, can you imagine Doctor Who in French? I'd kill myself. The exter Exterminate 's normal. Exterminate . Le Docteur In hearing thanks boundless Doctor Who based enthusiasdy tardy. You don't want the tardy. What is that for people that are late for the party? Yeah. Tardy, the time machine is always a little bit late. I feel I have at last found a kindred soul. Thank you. Oh, get a room lovely this episode is sponsored by BT . You know when you watch a big show or a concert and all the attention is on the people on stage, which is great, but none of it would work without the people behind the scenes. The lighting, the sound, the cables, and the person quietly making sure the whole thing doesn't suddenly well, stop . Modern Britain works a bit like that. There are millions of things we rely on every day that we probably take for granted. Businesses, running , services operating, people staying connected, and behind a lot of it is BT . 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Bring back dinner time . Hello . Make this May half term legendary at Westfield Stratford City. Enjoy buy one get one free urban street golf at Gravity Max or try your hand at the Voice Karaoke. Level up with family packages at All-Star Lanes or catch the latest blockbusters on one of Vue's 20 massive screens. Fuel the fun and feel the rush with the ultimate half-term quest. Visit Westfield Stratford City today. Terms and conditions apply. Friends to tell your base , the gaze of lace . I am gonna stop talking about Doctor Who on the show 'cause I know it does annoy some people, but one just one point. Is that gonna be your newest resolution? Uh my newest resolution is to just carry on as normal, generally in my life. Right . I haven't thought of one to be honest. I don't know if it needs a resolution. Oh okay. Sorry, are we still talking about Dr. Hale? Let me just make this point. Um in Michael Portillo As I think I said at the Brighton Conference um I I did uh I think we spoke about this on on air. Um I I did a thing in Edinburgh with Stephen uh Moffat who's the uh showrunner and the main writer on uh on Doctor Who. And uh Nookie Bear hair. Yeah, it was me me and him and Fred Macaulay the the comedian on on stage. And it was basically me paying homage t to the mot h . But at one point one of the uh someone asked what who they thought would make a good uh compan ion a new companion. Now I won't bore you with this but there's a character in the show U won't bore you with this but you're no I'm not going to it's called Dorian Moldover and he had his head severed. He had his head chopped. off God, do you wonder why I don't enjoy this? No, that's it, by the headless monks. And then they put his head in a box, but he can still speak even though he's just a head. Of course he can, it's Doctor Who. Rem reminiscent of do you remember the old joke about the the kid that was born and was just a head? And then uh ten years later it um the mother shouts upstairs, Eddie First out It's a double head, and no, it's not a double head, single headed. And uh and and she and he shouts down, yes mother and and she says, I've got your birthday present and he says, Oh no, another hat. Anyway, Dorian Muldervar's in a box and I said I thought he'd be a brilliant companion 'cause he's quite witt y and stuff even though he's just a head. And Stephen Moffat said Oh I think having a companion who's a severed head would have certain restrictions and he got a laugh. So Christmas special who is Matt Smith 's companion? No. The severed head of a cyberman. No . No. Could be a coincidence, but Can I just say I wouldn't I watched that Doctor Who partly out of respect for you. Thank you. I thought you're my colleague. I watched The Devil Wears Prada I thought you're my colleague, I'm going to take an interview. Um I watched it with my mother. Okay. We sat there, we watched it in total silence and after twenty minutes she went 'cause 'cause silence had fallen . She said grown men sit and watch this Yes. I must say I've asked that about a few things I've watched over the years. Then she said What do they do, these people? Do they just wander around? Don't they have social lives? I like that that was my mum's issue, was that they didn't have proper social lives. A lot of her old friends Well they were then glory. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know. And then she said the best thing which was d I think they like it to look cheap, these people, don't they? I like these people. You're one of these people. I wouldn't say it looked cheap nowadays, I must say. Well, you know, we're all different. But I think that is it possible that I um I added that that I inspired Steve. I think so, yeah. 'Cause why didn't he say it, well funnily enough. No. I wonder if you wrote it in. And if you listens to this next year the Christmas special might have a headless shepherd in there with uh super glue dripping down the I tell you something, it's there's been a real decapitation theme today Yeah, that's that's that's true. Do doing makeup. C all her. She be be ne be near to the phone. I think people who think that they're constantly being uh their ideas have been ripped off are often um Do you? But I've been mentioned the severed head, which I'm happy with. I'm happy to help. Um I was um looking at children's books the other day, one of um Bossi's godparents um bought him a a book token so I was looking at books and I came across a book called Traction Man. Oh yeah. Do you know it? Yep. Children's book and it's a it's a bit of a a spoof on Action Man. Yeah. About two thousand and two I was a guest on Room 101. Mm and I uh this was when Nick Hancock used to present it. I am the the third doctor. Yeah. Um I hope you ? No. I can't. And anyway, um I um I tried to put in Action Man. Not that I didn't think he was a fine toy. Yeah. But because my mo my mum um w we couldn't really afford the outfit so my mum used to make them and she used to knit she knitted him in a blue cardigan with like human being sized buttons on it so it looked l I mean ludicrous. Anyway, in traction Man um which is written by um a woman called Minnie somet do you know her name? Minnie Gray. Minnie Grey she's called. Um not that you've been trickying to keep googling or anything. One of the things about traction man that in in e is that um the kid's uh auntie knits uh a knitted thing for him with enormous uh buttons. I mean, you know, could Okay . What else do you think? How much time did you out of your sister? That's it. That's what he spent his whole Christmas doing mini plus grey. What I'm saying is mini grey out of your sleep . Your episode of Room 101 was funny though, isn't that? Thank you. Meat with pipes, I remember you talking about that. That was funny. Meat with tubes. But there was a meat pipe thing, wasn't there? There was an instrument that was made. There was a yeah, well I think what I call I said was a beef harmonica . Which sounds rude, th but it wasn't. I'm gonna call this section of the show um performances of yours in the past I'd liked. How about uh the Brit s Um that was a bit below the leather should we move on? That's a bit below the leather collar . Well I think we could move on by me um somewhat blowing my own trumpet. Well that'll be worth seeing. Was it was it Michael Flatley or was it a lookalike ? Any are a little bit insignificant. I caught myself the sitcom thing. Yeah, yeah, the sitcom would do it. And uh well, put it this way, the other day I caught myself boasting that I was the best in the family at making eggs. Making eggs. Cooking eggs. Cooking eggs. Even as a cockerel that would be No, cooking eggs. Okay. Sorry. I think you mean cooking. Cooking, yeah. In the family, you mean the extended family or just you can only go in media. But but yeah, I think I probably essentially not eggs, I think you're fine, that's me and this house. Then thought this is a bit lame. But she's since then been pointing out that I boast about things that aren't worthy of it. And one of them is uh I set the dog treats. When we go out we, put the dog in the cage and we give it a Kong. Do you know what a Kong is? It's a little rubber cone. Oh you're not doing that devil dog training, are you? What's devil dog training? Oh no, no, we don't do that. I've seen them pulling and things in the store. I mean you say it's a whip, it's probably a Labrador. It's just been it's been kept to starvation level. It's a killing machine that dog . No it's a very expensive to feed find. It's a very amenable one. I was talking to Kim Jong un of the other day about it. Anyway Before Yeah, my uncle's not coming around, that's for sure. Any He's a nice glow, King Johnson. I think his his bark is worse than it. Anyway, it's uh I don't think he's that bad. It's a little rubber cone and into it you put dog treats and uh and then the dog has to sort of get them out so it's Kong, yeah. And when it comes to setting the Kong, I feel like I am King of the Kong in the house. I King . I mean why don't you just say King Kong? King Kong. I'm King of the Kong. I might he won't have off the King Kong. Why don't you just go King Kong and dispense with this? I'm King Kong, fine, come King Kong. Here's what I do. Here's what I do. First of all, I'll put in a chewy dog treat right down into the very end and then I'll smear like a salmon or a chicken paste, often out of date, but the dog doesn't seem to mind . Not at all. And then I'll put in other chewy about the size of a midget gem and I'll sort of stick them on the inside of the salmon paste in the cock. What are you meant to do that? Yeah. This is like the old fashioned cook cook a spatcock inside a turkey inside a kestrel. But then once there's loads of paste, I'll stick a couple on the outside as well. So in the dog's mind, I think it's thinking, ooh, chewy midget gem treats. Oh now paste treats. The midget gems must have stopped. Ooh, now there's more treats. And then paste again. And then more chewy l meal. I prefer to think of myself as like a crossword setter. I feel a bit like that's a type of dog by the way. Crossword . Um but but now I've realised that I'm not King of the Kong after all. 'Cause I'm not King Kong. 'Cause I was saying at Christmas, oh yeah, I I set amazing dog treats. I often think lucky the dog is thinking, Oh this is gonna keep me going for hours and then my sister in law said that her brother puts his in the freezer for the dog so it's even harder and it's good for hot days for in the garden. Hot dogs. Hot dogs apparently enjoy the frozen Kong Any more uh Kong tips or boasts that aren't worthy of it? Let's hear 'em. I've got a I've got a uh a boast. I don't like this creaking. No, I can't bear it. But it's the big white! I can see the big white It's just a cloud, Captain . Haddy had he keelties on the show this week. Incident there from uh Moby Dick by Hassan. Is that your is that your boast that you're very good at impersonating Captain Ahouse. I see what my boast is I've I've done quite a lot of uh dock feeding just like Oh you're good at it? And uh well I tell you there's a problem in uh lon London ponds. I don't know if this is true across the country. The seagull s uh uh they abandon the sea and they come inland looking for food. And the seagulls they'll take bread out of the air. Yeah. That's the kind of characters they are. Do you go seagull or pigeon that always rather a seagull though? Well' yous se seea I I don think the seagulls, you know g go back to your own place. That's what I mean. Yeah. We were here first. I mean the Canada Goose is an immigrant I'm happy with in the dot world. But so I I think well no I don't want to give it to the Seagulls 'cause they dominate. I wanna give it to that little um m more and green coot over there. I I call it the Moorin Greb Coot because I've heard these creatures called all three names so far. I've only been living in this place three weeks. So it's either a Moorheen, a Griebe, a Coot. It's a black bird with a white face. Oh Moor and Greb Coot, I call it. And I like I can land if you could imagine it had a placemat in front of it. I can land it on the placemat nine times out of ten. So as quick as the seagulls are, the Mooringrib ut has uh swallowed it because So you genuinely think you're good at feeding birds? It's just it's a it's about accuracy. Um Well you didn't ever go out, can I just say I made it a platonic concept? We did never go now. Don't let me have got to have another doctor who picture tight and to prove that didn't happen. It feels like a backward step, I know that people find new things quite frightening . So while I was with the perfect family, what were you doing? Well it was a big turnaround for me because I've always been very, very strict on doing old Lang Zyne. Uh often I have to foist it on people, they don't want to do it and I say come we have to do what I've always felt if I don't do old Lang Zyne something very terrible will happen in the following year, which might yet prove to be true because I did n't do it this year. Partly because I thought, you know, okay if you want independence, have independence but I won't I won't be singing your songs anymore. No. So I think I was the only person um in North London who sang uh Vera Lynn's They'll Always Be in England. Now I d I went to bed at uh eleven and uh it's good, isn't it? Haven't you know it Vera Lynns? The Empire to We can depend on you Maybe not But uh it was odd It was very odd because I i it's it's become a sort of almost like an obsessive compulsive thing with me that I have to do old Lang Zion. And I just fought it this year. Did you? And I didn't do it and I went to bed at eleven and I could hear fireworks outside and people enjoy ing themselves and I lay in a dark room alone. And that has brought me to my um New Year's resolution for two thousand fourteen to be more solitary and uh distant from other people. I do don't want to explain why. But yes, uh that was there. And then also our our meal I w I said but so we have a new year's this is. Yeah, so there was me and Catherine and Boss obviously went he went to bed about eight. Eight night for him. They rocked up for the bells, did they? No they don't care. We always did with my parents. They don't care about the the bell. So he he went off to uh bed. So there's me and Kath and uh Kat's mom and then then Kat's sister and her uh husband came around and uh I said we'll do a lovely meal. So we had a meal. They they chose. I was out and about . Um and the meal was um ri ce chips and bread and butter. Oh look at the face on Emily Dean. At the list of carbohydrates be It was a three C meal. At all exactly the same colour. No No. It was one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life. It sounds star. It sounds like a Hieronymous Bosch painting to me. That's how much of a nightmare it is. It was a bit it was it's it's sort of it was firmly anti meat and vegetable stance. Things got confuse Well, I think there was a bit of chicken in the rice, but it was lost in the in the carbohydrate mass. A bit of a felty supper, that one. I don't um I don't think it was the worst meal I had over the holiday period I had a terrible food based uh Christmas period. Yeah, I think my w my worst meal of the Christmas period um was I um I I went for kippas . Now I like a kipper. Mm-hmm . I always think of them in pairs. Yeah. But anyway, um my uh my uh girlfriend's mum bought the kippers and they seem to be some the sort of hardcore kippers that you imagine a Russian peasant might be. But no kippers, more bones than any ki and strong and ink as well. They were so s they didn't have any cooking instructions on them or anything. They were like black she bought black market kippers, really. Nothing. There was no labelling. They were just in a clear plastic bag. Nothing. They had the eyes in them. I mean for God's sake. I love the yellow tinge though. So I started um look keep my girlfriend's mother out of this. So I started uh I I tried with the Kipper but it was i uh it was horrible. So strong. So I thought at least I've got the joy of oven chips. I got a plate full of oven chips. Mm they're gonna pull me through. And the oven chips had soaked top every every kipper fibre of kippa juice. So every one they weren't chips anymore, they were they were kips. They taste every one tasted like this super strong kippah. And I I can still taste it a bit. Sorry cow. Did you have kippas f was this for supper then? This was for Supper. I don't know what is supper. Supper's what you call an evening meal. An e yeah, an evening meal out. You don't no one has kippas for supper. This one you wouldn't want you wouldn't want to start you wouldn't want to start the day with these Oh man, that was uh I went I went round to Franks. It was brilliant and I went round there about half twelve or something and then he offered me Christmas cake, which I love Christmas cake. I was very excited. Um and I had a couple of chocolates as well. Mm. But that suits me, you see. You see we have a habit, a very bad habit, of inviting people around. It's about midday, half twelve. Mm-hmm. And um and then I say if you're gonna invite them they'll expect lunch and Kat says, No they won't. And I say I think they will at that time. And I say I end up saying this is what I do, this is awful. I say, look, well I'm gonna have lunch at about eleven thirty because I can't go that long without eating. We had people I mean this was terrible. We had a group of friends I like to think I'm family so the same rules don't apply. No but this honestly this is one of the few times I felt real domestic guilt about this 'cause we had we had f four couples and uh and their children. Yeah. Come round. What time? Good . Um they arrived at about between half twelve and one o'clock. We had no classic lunch. Yeah, they arrived. Producers got their hand s. We gave them away. What time were they there till? Tea they got. Well at about two thirty. They expired from hunger. Two thirty Now this is a true story and it's awful. At true uh at two thirty. We went to feed the docks. You can see the novelty of feeding the docks. And I noticed that uh not only some of the children but some of the adults were eating the bread . No . They were eating the docks bread. They were so