Political Rhetoric and Media Satire

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first didn't live up to the height. Like those five dollar roses at a gas station or a second hand piece of technology that breaks in the first ten minutes Marketers know that feeling. We optimize for the numbers that look great. impressions reach and reacts But when they don't show revenue Well That's a not so great conversation with the CFO LinkedIn has a word for that. Bull spend Now you can invest in what looks good to your CFO. LinkedIn adds generates the highest roWas of all major ad networks You'll reach the right biers because you can target by company, industry, job title more. So cut the bulls bend Advertise on LinkedIn. the network that works for you Spend two hundred and fifty dollars on your first campaign on LinkedIn ads and get a two hundred and fifty credit for the next one Just go to linkedIn d. com slash broadcast That's linkedIn d. com slash broadcast Terms and conditions apply. Host unforgettable backackyard Barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak And stock up on bug sprays and suncare must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. people of Britain This is your prrime Minister for now depending on how bad the potholes are in Makerfield. In recent days, certain reprehensible individuals have sought to create panic, chaos and disorder in this country to foster division for their own end Neighbour has turned upon neeighbour Appeals for calm. have been ignored. But my message to those responsible is clear. yours, John Healey I never liked you, and I've already turned your resignation letter into a paper aeropplane, thus doubling the UK's air defenses Dad, bring eyes Welcome to Match of the Day The World Cup has finally begun. And that whistle means you can now officially hang up an England flag without looking racist. Now I'm joined by England Captain Harry Cane. Hello Gabby. Oviously to be speaking to you today isar Well, s just dream come true with. So Harry, how are you feeling at the moment? Yeah, well you know, obviously I'm right. incredibly excited, nervous Like in old and nal things really when there's a huge competition just r the corner. And does that play on your mind at all? Nothing plays on my mind, Gabby As I think everyone could tell But listen, people have worked their whole lives to be in this position. you know let's face it, it's not every day. You get a Labour leadership contest I'm sorry, what? Well, that's grippid stuff, Gabby. You know obviously me and the boys will be glued to our TV sets watching a qualifier in Makerfield next Thursday. How to say I'm slightly surprised, Harry? We love it, Gaby I really like all the tactics Be it looks like Burnham is playing on the false left wing position, which obviously Starmer mastered all those years ago before moving out to the right. Sorry, Harry, this is Match of the day. Can we talk about football? For example, the controversy surrounding FIFA? Oh yeah, you know to my mind A group of out of touch people who've made dodgy decision after dodgy decision You're still talking about the labour leadership content. Yeah I am comy to on the show. Before we wrap this up, can you give us your prediction for the coming month? Yeah well, you know, obviously tears, disappointment and a very angry nation. And the football We're getting knocked out on penalties No no let speak. There is no time for that, Nigel. You need my help. Wh the hell are you? I am Martin Lewis money saving expert And I am here to help. Now I believe you recently came into some money. I don't know what you're talking about. A five million pound gift from a Thai based crypto billionaire. No, no, no. lookook, I have made it crystal clear whereere that money came from. It matters not where you got it from. it matters how you invest it. Listen carefully, you must do exactly as I say. Place half of the five million pounds into an indexed linked bond, put the other half into Nazi memorabilia. Howll be more You takeake the money out of the bond at the start of the financial year and put it into a zero percent interest credit card. You take the money from that account into a high interest saver. You put the interest into an account with cash backack and then you switch that and get a switching fee. Then you convert the Nazi memorability into gold bars, melt them down, and turn them into humorous door knockers. Then take them to Argentina and sit on them for eighty years until fascism becomes fashionable again, and then sell them to fund a far r campaign to destabilize Western democracies and help Vladimia pututin annex Europe Done and done. That is without doubt the strangest man I've ever met. And considering I work alongside Robert Generick and Lee Anderson, that's quite a comp Coming soon to BBC Scotland, a new detective drama about a troubled cop with a complicated personal life and unique powers of perception. Boss, you're here. The body's this way. It's not a pretty sight. He's been shot dead right in the middle of his own living room. There he is. Look. let me be clear You seen no evidence There' No evidence of any criminality here whatsoever. It's D Iurgeon What do you mean no evidence of criminality? There's a dead body? Is there? Where?? your eyes you're looking at it right now. I don't believe anyone can reasonably expect me to have noticed that Dear God, a gang of masked men with shotguns have just broken and they're removing the baron. That's not something I was aware of at any stage. It's happening right now. Absolutely. somethingomething's gone wrong and it's our job to put it right, because if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, Not that I ever spent much time in the kitchen why No never noticed the barista coffee machine, the silver plted rine coaster, the Lacrz cr fan or the Jamie Oliver Aacia wooden spoon set. So come on gang to the mystery machine The mystery Do you mean the campper van? That's right. Let's go Welcome to Uncanny. I'm Danny Robins, head of a wandering Minstrel, body of a toddler dressed for the airport. And for this very special episode, I've come to Britain's most cursed house to investigate some truly sinister sightings From the outside, this house looks innocuous enough, but legend has it. It destroys the life of anyone who lives here. Let's go inside, number ten Downing Street I'd agreed to meet with the current occupant, but the property seemed deserted.ome muffled sobbing. someomeone in terrible anguish. It was coming from inside a cupboard. they're after me. They turn their phones into rubber and slide onto the doors, you know. I have to use draft excluders to keep them out The current resident has obviously been sent mad, but was it the House that was responsible? I decided to speak to some previous eyewitnesses. This woman said it shattered her life. Before I moved into number ten down in the street, I was only routinely depressed, like an E or plush toy left in a puddle But by the time I left, life seemed to me utterly hopeless. Chilling stuff. And this previous resident also seemed very disturbed by his stay as his hair was standing on end and completely white. How you you what he was Yeah Did living in number ten mess with Boso's head?. Well I do do remember trying to write my Shakespeare biography and just sitting, sitting at a typewriter, typing out all work and no play makes Boris a dull boy. And thenen there was this river of blood coming down the corridor. But it could have just been red wine from one of my parties And this woman seems to have gone completely and utterly insane But it wasn't me. I was as sane as a rabbit. in the country went toes bonkers. Well, I remain the only sensible person in the UK with my inspired mini budget which replaced the Bank of England Governor with a sign photo of David Cassidy. Hushag dreambat Did you miss me Bloody held is. But now things are about to get truly frightening. They say that if you climb the stairs in this house, go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and say Eeducation three times. Hello Danny. sunken forehead, dead behind the eyes grim Billionaire hand gesture. Oh my God. It's Tony Blair. That's right. I. I'm Prime Minister Danny. This is my home. But you haven't been Prime Minister for twenty years So Danny, I've always been Prime Minister and I always will be forever and ever and ever and ever and Join me next week on Uncanning as I travel stateside to spend a night in the spookiest house in Washington, DC, haunted by a killer clown with scary makeup and tiny rotting hands Deer England, it's me David Beckham. You might have seen that as the World Cup kicks off, I've been honoud with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, halfway between Bob Hoskins and Mickey Mouse, just like my voice. As we begin the twenty twenty six World Cup, I have a message for anyone wishing to turn this noble, beautiful competition into a tauty cynical, purely money making exercise. I am available Because I will flog anything, watches, vacuum cleaners, laptops, perfume, coffee, underpants and problematic regimes with appalling human rights records. and basically the Argos catalog, but with less of a spine There is no product I won't sacrifice my remaining dignity for as long as the price is right. And I do have a gap in my schedule as my long term endorsement of helium gas is about to come to an end. Your squedilly, David You're listening to PM with me, Evan Davis. I'm smooth all over, like one of those weird hairless cats you see on YouTube Kenny Fradenock has said this week that she would scrap the public sector equality duty, which requires public bodies to actively promote equality in all they do. She joins me now. Good evening, Evan. Yes, this is another bold announcement from me. Kenny is certainly on a roow. You do seem to have found your feet somewhat in recent months Why do you think that is? It's very simple, Evan. It's because I am no longer a low energy widow. For you see, I have finally discovered my Mjo. And what is your mojo exactly? I'm glad you asked. My particular mojo is a bristly semi aquatic creature with a retractable proboscis that I would describe as halfway between an ardvark and a vole I keep in a hammock I've made out of fruit, but that's not the point. Now that I'm newly energized as a weirdo with a mojo, it is I who are making the political weather. And your point here is that you want everyone to be treated equally? No, I want everyone to be treated differently How would that work? What I am calling for is for every single person in this country to be treated by the state in a way that is entirely bespoke So Linda from Coventry say will have her cououncil tax bill delivered in song by a medieval Troubador Theream from Swansea will be sent two hundred metric tes of custard every single day without explanation And so on and so forth. What could be fairer or weirder than that? Isn't it the truth that all this culture war stuff is just a desperate attempt to win back voters who've defected to reform? Right, You've just asked me a serious political question there, which suggests you're now treating me as a serious politician Which has thrown me a bit to be honest But I suppose it proves I really have got my mojo working and what's it working at? It's eating the hammock. Ky Berock. Thankk you. There's a poached egg in my shoe My fellow soccer enthusiasts On behalf of the United States, but not Canada No no, and definitely not Mexico. I am so proud to welcome the forty eight World Cup qualifying nations to these shores. Why? Because it gives the Donald lots more countries I've never heard of to add to my Panini World Cup invasion Wallchark I'm looking at it now, Ghana, Congo, Senegal, Kurakulto Becky Stan, Becky Stan? Didn't she just marry D Junr.? I don't know. I never went Which of these crab holes will be joining Iran? Venezuela and Cuba In the ballistic knockout face Okay. Okay, so the dialog now is up for a power nap, so wake me up when it's Shakir's halftime show during the final. Unlike sixty Minutes and JD Vance, her hips don't lie everver invest in something that seemed incredible at first didn't live up to the height. Like those five dollar roses at a gas station or a second hand piece of technology that breaks in the first ten minutes Marketers know that feeling We optimize for the numbers that look great. impressions, reach and react that when they don't show revenue Well That's a not so great conversation with the CFO LinkedIn has a word for that. Bull spend Now you can invest in what looks good to your CFO LinkedIn ads generates the highest roWas of all major ad networks You'll reach the right buyers because you can target by company, industry, job title and more So cut the bulls bend Advertise on LinkedIn. the network that works for you Spend two hundred and fifty dollars on your first campaign on LinkedIn ads and get a two hundred and fifty credit for the next one Just go to linkedIn d. com slash broadcast That's linkedIn d. com slash broadcast Terms and conditions apply. Host unforgettable backackyard barbecues with savings from Who Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak And stock up on bug sprays and sunca must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market Superintendent Hastings preparing for interview. Also present, DI. Arnet, DI. Fleming. Hang on, where's the suspect? We've got a problem, sir. What is it? We don't have a suspect, sir We've been reading the National Police Anti racism Guide. Mother God! Before we arrest anyone, we have to confirm that none of the OCG is BME. The NPCC don't want the OCG to be BME. Too sensitive, sir. What does it matter what bloody color they are? I'm interested in one thing and one thing only and that's treating everyone differently according to their race I was going to say banned coppers. Definitely can't say that's offensive. The OCG might be LGBT as well as BME Let's just use some common sense here. We're after a bloody human trafficking guy. Get out there and bloody arrest them. We can't so. we have to be sensitive. Just because we think human trafficking is wrong, that might be cultural relativism Ain It says here, sir that we need to respond to different communities based on their specific needs and avoid the risk of victimising groups who are already overrepresented in the prison population And we've got a lot of traffickers in prisoned as it is. We wouldn't want to criminalize the community further this gang is directly responsible for grooming young women and girls. Better play it safe, sir Who else have we got, Steve? Female forties face covering? Is it a burger? No, it's a white woman and a kagoo. Let's bring her in. She's going to prison. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the weed donkey. Did't mention the donkey, sir? He's got protected characteristics This summer, it's Toy Story five. and all your favorite toys are back to save and protect their kids. Oh my gosh screams of modern tech. and her phone keeps sending pictures of Barbie without us on. This is terrible, Jessie. We've got to do something. It's an intergalactic emergency. And there's only one square old fashioned boring pulstering member of the gang who can ride to the rescue. Wy! U Yes. Howudy partners Yay. It's great to see you, Woody. Thankks, Bzz. You're definitely my favorite deluded deputy after David Lammy. Together in their newest action packed adventure, they'll stop tech in its tracks. Yeah, let's go! To Infinity and beyond. Yes B What if we just ask tech companies nicely to activate certain features that should largely prevent children from accessing explicit material? And we'll ask them to do it at the speed of light. Within three months. That's true. Hey, howdy, hey, You I to get this wagon train up moving. And just when they think they're out of all options, they're joined by mister Potato Head. Oh hi, Wes Thanks for stabbing me in my pullstring bag. Well have you know, Woody, I am an important political figure who deserves to be taken seriously. Oh, blas. My plastic eyebrows are just fallen off. Toy story five in cinema soon. I soonish I wouldn't want to put a rigid timetable on it There's so much activity now. We have to be very careful not to be heard. This is BBC Radio four's Intrigue to Catch a King. The Smash hit investigative podcast where we try to make every last second sound as dangerous and dramatic as possible. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter, and my friend Rob Laurry's ex army, something I have to say in every episode to show just how serious we are I talk like everything's life or death, E if we're just picking up a hire car round the back. We've got to move so now. The car is just round the back, but as always, me and Rob, hisX's army. We'll take a massive diversion through a dark forest. What' more, We've got a microphone in each shoe so you remember that we're still in that car Aind. We've got one on each sleeve too. So you can hear that we're walking fast because of the danger. Rob's ex Amy Be of the danger. We've also got animal sound effects to make it sound more foreboding like an owl Well, s Sorry so wrong sound effect. I cann't see the owl one because as usual out here in the forest, it's pitch black! And in the pitch black, in the forest, when anything dangerous might happen, the relentlessly suspenseful music gets even louder Rob, whose ex army goes off on his own to somewhere where the sound effects are even more intrusive. A twig breaks, just in case you forgot we're in the forest and that we could be in danger any second. I think this is our car 's carrying a doll There's no one here, but Rob always says that. It gives him a chance to then say Rong too! The sound effects, Rob. Don't forget the sound effect. Join us next time. In the forest. In the pitch black O to catch it game Rob is ex Ay You're listening to the world One with me, Sarah Montague. Don't slouchter over your coffee, no wonder you don't have a job A JD Vance's recent tweet claiming democracy in the UK was dying, has the special relationship ever been under more strain? Deputy Prime Minister David Laney joins me now. Good afternoon. Good afternoon, Sarah. David David, this is your inner monologue speaking. Oh not you again. At the weekend you called JD Vance to discuss his comments about UK immigration That's correct. As you know, he and I are good friends. Are you really David? Are you and Jadady really good friends? Yes, I've heard you two are friends. It seems an unlikely friendship. That's because it's not true. indeep David? Yes, we are friends. How many times does he phone you David? None You phone him loads, but he never phones you. Very good friend. He only pretends to like you so he can show off a Mara Lago by saying he knows a black person. So what did you say? Obviously, if you are friends, you can be brutally honest. I told him that his comments on X were wrong. And how can you be sure that he took that on board? Tell her David. Be I go on belieelve it is the case. Keep going that I Yes was Yes was. Ohry was all going so well. wasas what David? Did you even have a plan for finishing that sentence? Extremely You can't just say one word at a time, David. You need to talk in full sentences. Bra Brave, that makes no sense. Careful doubt, don't brave. Oh dear, I deserve Don't say it, David. a sticker. Please Dette with a voice like what we imagined twenty first century AI would sound like back in nineteen eighty two I'm reporting from another horrific attack on the streets of the UK, where earlier a young man was No no, no, no, let me speak. Big Nige here, exploiting another human tragedy for my own political guy. No, no, no. let me speak. Rupert Low here. I think you'll find I was here first to exploit this human tragedy for my