Investigative Podcast Parody Intrigue Catch King

BBC sounds, music, radio podcasts. Shall we get cracking? You've got a BBC podcast coming up. These were immensely popular. But if you also like looking back, then the BBC has loads of history podcasts to offer. Proof of being historian is a very exciting job. Covering everything from epic events. It was the year sixteen sixty six to personal stories. It was an anxiety that people felt even in the ancient world. So in future, for more history podcasts free people making a free choice about what they wanted. Search history on BBC Sounds BBC radio four In half an hour, it's the Archers, where, thanks to the newly announced BBC cuts, Linda Snell will be played by an angry chicken But now in a change to the scheduled program, it's Petry please with Ian McMillan Andy, Andy, Berham Brant. results it came in overnight. What immortal hand or ey Could frame thy fearful leadership try? In what distant northern skies burnt the fire of thine To what ambition do you aspire? What the hand dare seize the power? What of winning? what' of loss? Starer thou did double cross? Thy ambition unconcealed in the land of Merafil Andy burn and bright, Results that came in overnight. Your glory may be brief and fleeting, but at least you're not always bloody sweety Kid, ring up It is an enormous honor to have been elected as your MP for Makerfield It's only right and proper I pay tribute to my fellow candidates from the Greens to the Tories, and even the monster raving loooney candidate reforms Rob Kenyan. But let me assure you now that I will not use the people of Makerfield merely as a stepping stone for higher office, more as a stone, which one can step on, as it were, en route to a more important job. The country isn't where it should be Deent working people are having to slave away at three jobs to make ends meet. For example, I heard of one blog who had to be Manchester Mayor, MP for Makerfield and now he's applying to be Prime Minister as well just to put food on the table. You have given me a mandate for change, a final chance for Labour to change the change to a different change from the change we promised to change two years ago You have rejected the politics of Hate, saying loud and clear that we must have unity and healing. And to achieve that, I'm starting a bitter and divisive leadership contest. becausecause for all our differences, there is still one thing that unites us as a country. None of us like Kar now Hello there, I'm Gary Linnig and welcome to the Rest is Football. P proof that thirty million quid from Netflix doesn't necessarily improve production values. Following England's thrilling four two win against Croatia on Wednesday, I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager Thomas Tl. Hello Gary. Congratulations Thomas. That really was a game of two halves, wasn't it? Yes What else could it be? m Association foootball law seven point one states that all matches must consist of two halves, each lasting forty five minutes. W an appropriate amount added on at the referee' discretion to compensate for any significant non playing stoppages Well, the boys really gave it one hundred and ten percent, didn't they? No, Gary It's mathematically impossible to give more than one hundred percent. And with biological inefficiencies, the maximum amount of effort that can be given is closer to around twenty three or twenty four percent with the rest lost as heat energy Well what I mean is that they were really on it, weren't they? Elliot Anderson in particular covered every blade of grass on the pitch. Are you saying Elliot Anderson is one hundred five meters long by sixty eight meters wide? He is not that gary and as a result, he could not and did not cover every blade of grass on the pitch Noty Mo AK was great, there wasn't he constantly in acres of space. No No that's incorrect. A standard eleven aside football pitch typically measures between one point five and two acres and at no point did I witness all the players, match officials and supporters shuffle around with Wakei to leave him in a perfect empty circle with a radius of thirty six meters minimum Still funny old game, isn't it Nooray It is not a funny game. I don't find it humorous in the slightest Though to be fair, I am German It's the most anticipated movie event of twenty twenty six. Christopher Nolan's Odyssey, starring Matt Damon as Odysseus and Tom Holland as Telemicus. My son, we have been fighting this Trojan War for ten long years now Andnder is still no sign of victory. We must have angered one of the gods. But which one, father? Zeus, Athena? The worst one of all. Musk Elon, Musk, the god of assholes ning This it is a trilliona d Bow down before me I to test this movie's identity politics and anti historical wokeness. evenven though I am curiously not worried at all about there being no Greeks in the cast. You cast Lepita Nyongo as Helen of Troy, a decision that launched a thousand Elon shit posts Prepare O boy my wroth. Please spare us. The wolkeness was not of our doing. I'm just here to stop being typecast as Spiderm Man. What can we do to appease you, Lord God? It is simple. You must go into battle with a giant horse on wheels which you will use to massacre all the Trojans and burn Troy to the ground. But Lord, how can a horse on wheels cause such fire and destruction? Simple. It will be built by Tesla Welcome back to the BBC's by Election coverage. I'm Laura Kounonsberg. It's four AM in the morning. I've just chudred my fiftieth proro plus. I can hear colours. and Chris Mason has gone feral and is living behind the bins. I'm here with the new MP for Makerfield, Andy Burnham. Andy Burnham, congratulations, but what's the plan? Well, Laura, here iss the simple answer Bosses. As you know, Laura, I made my name by transforming Manchester's bus services. There's nothing that can't be solved by buses. Well that's not true. How would you have dealt with the Russians firing at yachts in the English Channel, for example? Well, look, buses on Manchester's B Network have never been fired on by Russia, Laura. That's clearly testament to how I run the buses. O, so how would you handle Donald Trump and don't say buses? Trams Whit you're basically busses. Well, if Donald Trump ever sits down next to me, I'll just move. move Like when the mad bloow gets on the bus. How are you going to help a Labour party facing the very real threat of reform? Well, I've already dealt with reform. Reform of the Manchester B Network. Nobody can fault me there. mister Berham, buses seem to be your only frame of reference. Not at all, Laura, I will still do my very best for the party. Having won this seat, it's a priority. Well at least a proper answer. A priority seat up the front. Please elderly person to sit down or make way for a pray. Right, let's get to bloody work. I'm not the Messiah, I'm just a very northern boy So we're coming up to half time. It's still the Netherlands Nill, Japan Nill. and now what's happened here? A Japan player has gone down off the ball. The other Japanese players are absolutely furious. Let's have a look at the replay Well, the Netherlands player has blatantly punched him there. The referee can't have seen it, but VAR will surely intervene. It's a Scottish VAR team for this particular match. They're looking at the footage now Here we go. I want to make it plain. After video review I have seen no evidence of wrongdoing whatsoever I can't quite believe what we're hearing here from assistant referee Sturgeon. I can only intervene when there's been a clear and obvious error. and as far as I'm concerned, nothing is clear and absolutely nothing is obvious. So let's get this game back underway, not that I'm interested in games, which is why I didn't notice my husband's Nintendo three D S console, the Xbox three hundred sixty, or the Turtle Beach WiFi Rady gaming headset. And let me add, I have nothing to say about the whole Camper Van Huha. Just to clarify, Camperan Hha is the Dutch player Who was involved in that incident? And you have to say he's a very lucky boy. Not that I can see. Good morning. This is your interim Prime Minister I am addressing you on this blackest of days, the occasion of our amazing by election result. I know Labour supporters will be shocked and saddened by our stonking win in Makerfield. It is very easy to despair at our spectacular victory, but we will learn lessons and rise from the shuttered debris of our triumph There was always the danger that my Labour government would be outflanked by a crude populist party with cheap slogans and easy answers. And that party was, of course, the Labour Party. What is it with this Andy Burnham chap I've been told by my aides that he's popular. I don't think I've ever heard that before. So of course I leap into action, commissioning a focus group and asking friends what being popular was about. And what did I learn? that I have no friends and that focus groups can be really, really cruel So my message is this, I'm going nowhere. I do not consider my position is under threat from Andy Burnham as he hovers there in the corner, measuring the curtains while the removal van pulls up outside number ten. because I don't reckon this whole being popular thing will catch on There's just a passing fad, like fidget spinners or the Beatles. Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Professor Hannah Frery. and I'm Darra OBrien. Because apparently a lady scientist can only be taken seriously when a male comedian confirms what she says. That's absolutely right, Hanah, this is radio for' curious cases where we take your quirickest questions and we solve them. With the power of science. Let's play that annoying Faux sixty spy drama sting that we have again is annoying. So Anna, what conundra is it that we're going to be solving this week? Well, here's a voice notote from Sarah in Hastings. Hi there, can you tell me why for the last few weeks? The Strait of Hormuz has been seemingly both open and closed at the same time Also, why have you used that annoying music under this voice note? A She sounds cool. Thanks, Sarah. Joining us to help answer this puzzle is doctor Johannes Kepler from the Helsinki Institute of Quantum Mechanics. doctor Kepler, can you explain? Well, in terms of the strait of hormz, at a fundamental level, like everyone else, I have no idea what is going on Thanks so much, G jacket. Scientifically then, we think it works like this. You put a deal in place with Iran and then add an isotope of fissile uranium as part of a nuclear program. And then you simultaneously open and don't open the gulf of for manan, shipping routes sold that con currently the price of oil ces up and down at the same time. And the deal becomes a non event mass with a probability of zero. Thus, the deal is both alive and dead and the US is both at war and not at war with Iran The most important thing of course, is you need to have what we call a Srodinger's president, someone who's simultaneously empty headed and full of shit. That's science You are listening to Radio two with me Ryan If my teeth were any whiter, they'd be standing for reform Okay, well, now look who's popped into the studio to say hello, It's only my all time bestie, Stacy Solomon. Youre right babe.'re all right, babe., you all right babe? I'm al right, babey, youre all right, babe. A you al right, babe? I'm all right, babe. Actually, truth be told I'm not alright babes. You're not allright, babes. Oh no, what's the problem then, babes? It's just the world, babes. All of it. It's all just too much at the moment, isn't it? I know what you mean, babes. Everywhere you look, this bad news, that bad news, more bad news It's just so much of it. It's not for the likes of us, babe. It's not for us, babes. No, it's not us f. Hold up, I'm just hearing from my producer that you were one of the main people campaigning for this social media bount for under sixteen. Well, babes, I just think the cumulative effect of misinformation is a detriment to society. Have you had a stroke, babe these words they're not real babes. They are babes. There's a whole world out there of words that are proper. OMG, your aura is so cooked, babes. No way is that true? I really are babes. Have you been going behind my backsstace, cheating on me with the actual real news? I'm so sorry, babes I accidentally had a little listen to radio four Don't you dare disrespect the memory of Scot Mills? T too late babes. But the shipping forecast is so good. Even if I think Bailey is a Christmas drink and the German bite is something your teief do on holiday. The less said about Doger, the better I also think Misha Gleny has proved to be a more than adequate replacement for Melvin Braggon in our time. Even if I did find his take on the ancient nomadic Garamante civilization which flourished two thousand years ago in what is now modern Libya, overly didactic How could you babe? Im sorry, Babes. I can be a Stacy again, I can. Never straight the dark side again, Babes. No way, Babes. That is about as likely to happen as the gardeners Question time panel planting their Bgonnias in February Oh crap bite. Oh crap bite. Ohll crap bite. Oh crap b. Oh Popits The final battle is upon us Sauron has mast his forces at the gates of Minisered Earth, and Gondor must either defeat them or fall forever. Our courage shalln not be found wanting, Gondalf. Then let us unleash the full power of the fellowship Upon the armies of Morgor. There will now be a three minute hydration break This is Times Radio and I'm Andrew Nee. The live action Oangatai from the Jungle Book. Now this week's social media ban for under sixteenens has been a rare occasion of cross party agreement Joined now by Kammy Badenoch. Good morrow, Anrew Neil of Times Radio. Well, Miss Badenoch, you actually agree with this new legislation from the Labour government? Well, not quite, Andrew, as I would actually go even further and say that we should all be spending less time on our phones. As you can see here, mine is turned off completely. Miss Badenoff, that's not a phone, that's a taxi downmage stort tied to a Japanese encyclopedia And as a result, it doesn't have TikTok, making it incredibly safe. And as a low energy weirdo with a newfound mojo, I believe it is my responsibility to set an example with my own social media use. For instance, I've also stopped posting photographs know through people's letter boxes. Previously I liked to share the framed family portraits of the seventeenth century Hungarian royal family by posting them through strangers' doors. I've also stopped tweeting. I think I can see where this is going. I used to sit in a tree and join in with the dawn chorus But now I do not. I see. Instead, I emit a series of clicks while hanging upside down in a cave to see whether a bat's thoughts start at the end and work backwards. Right And bats are rarely on Snapchat, making it incredibly safe. But let's end up there, shall we? becausecause you're really freaking me out now I spent ten years talking to Dian Abott. Cami Bidench, Thank you. The wallpaper in my house is stuck to the wall with pesto No losers Good job It's a great honor to be here in the Palatial French Palace of Versailles in France sitting in this beautiful golden room, inspired by my bathroom in Mar a Lago alongside President Macron and his lovely mother Bridget sign this historic peace plan with the nasty Islamic Republic of Iran. This is a memorandum of Understanding or MOU. Not many people know this, but the letters MO and you can also be found in the word moose. O U S E Most people don't know that that's why I'm president. And you're not. Only the Donald could have spent one hundred thirteen billion dollars on bombing a place in order to reopen a waterway that was already open before I started bombing it to ensure Iran never gets a nuclear bomb which it didn't have This memorandum of understanding will go down in history as a major, major, major triumph. unless it all goes to hell, in which case I will always deny signing it just like I did with Jeffrey Epstein's birthday card Thank to the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister David Lami. Thank you,. I've been asked to reply on behalf of the Prime Minister who is attending the G seven summit. David David, it's your inner monologue again, just popping in to help you with what must be your most stressful gig ever. Acting for the official opposition, the shhadow Secretary of State Claire Catinio r, why is the British Government happy to get its oil and gas from Russia or Qatar, but not from Aberdeen That's a great question, is it I don't have a clue what the answer is. to you, David, Mrpe, what I would say to the honourable Lady is that this government, I hope you're not going to say is doing quite a good job actually, is doing quite a good job actually Oh David mis Speaker, if everything's so hunky Dory, why did Halest's defence team quit this week? Boom! She's got you dead, David. you haven't got an answer to that. mr Speaker, the answer to that you don't have one David. I just told you that. The answer to that stop trying to give an answer when you haven't got an answer David. The answer to that Do something to distract her, David. Grab the mace. Drop your trousers The answer, my friend, you better not start doing Bob Dylan lyrics D is blowing in the wind. Next question, I have a question if I may.rak, can I ask the right honourable gentleman why he's such a complete and utter lammy I've got a tip off ue. Time to move. This is BBC Radio four's Intrigue to Catch a King, the hit investigative podcast where we try to make every last second sound as dangerous and dramatic as possible I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Laurie is ex Amy. And I always talk urgently and breathlessly like this because we can't take even the slightest risk. But you forget how tense things are. This week we're in Calais. As usual, Rob, his ex army goes off on his own and despite us having to be quiet all the time, he calls me on my phone Yeah So arere you there Rob is ex Army. What is it, Rob? Do want a coffee? Deep in the heart of Calais, Rob is in a Starbucks. It's the break we need so. Because of editing, I've immediately joined him eyes on us so This is another dramatic thing Rob says a lot, because of the danger. He says it whether it's CCTV, a tourist taking a selfie or because there's a nearby person with eyes Run so Rob. Rob his ex army. Why Rob? Wh? Shot so two shots. A caramel Rob in my latte. It's not a gun? It's not a gun, Rob. It's a milk proffer Aort vision, Aort vision! Back to the forest. Yes, because somehow we've once again ended up in a forest full of sound effects because of the danger. We've been searching for clues with no lookuck because ass usual. It's pitch black. Rob his ex army! Please! two Don't take another step. What is it, Rob? I fear this is the end. Even for us, this is new and treacherous territory. Rob confirms it. We've run out of forest Join us next time Because of the danger. Back in the pitch black on to Catch a King. Rob his ex's army Theaair Ringers was performed by Joh Colshw, Jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Jess Robinson, and Duncan Whisby. It was written by Nev Founton and Tom Jameson, Lawrence How, Alice Bright, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Tom Ces, Joe Topping be a three minute hydration break. ditional material by Rachel E. Thor, Declan Kennedy, Super Mahwinie Swirt. Dred Rringers is a BBC stududios production. It was created by Bill Dare and the producer is John Holmes.