Leadership Contests and Final Resignations

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Call eight hundred thirty three four Ka Free Details hostosa free event and seven six twenty six S dealer for warranty details ain a disappointing Neil Nil draw with Ghana. That was a dour ninety minutes log. ye know K Yeah we had a plan. we start with it and We gave the fans back home what they wanted Pnderous and boring. Yeah, you know, that was for everyone back home sweltering in this forty degree heat wave It entire country is finding it impossible to sleep for half an hour watching England versus Ghana you're not outside. Bar. This is a dream Ire in Dead, ring eyes The question my party is asking now is whether I am best placed to lead us into the next general election I have heard the answer of my parliamentary party to that question and I accept that answer with good grace. Okay, Kar I now need you to write down the name of who you think is a traitor Cool. Sorry, Claudia, I'm struggling. I'm looking around on all our se are traitors. There's Andy. Look, it's nothing personal, mate, but I had to vote for yourself to leave for something I know you've played an amazing game. And as for you, Wes, I have been one hundred percent faithful to you the whole way through here Yeah, he's definitely a traitor. To be fair Ki, you've done some quite traity things to a lot of us. Well, Angela, I have to say, you didn't do very well in the housing challenge. I need to push you for a name, Takia. You know what? I'm putting down myself. I mean, I did let everyone down in the Don't appoint an associate of an international sex trafficker to a high security government post Challenge OK, Kia, this means you have received the most votes and are now banished Before you go, Please reveal your true identity. Wow What a journey it's been on I've given it my best shot And I made some amazing memories Remember when I got all those free gifts and made all those U turns. but I'm proud to say that I am always happened. Since the very beginning Bi Son of a toolmaker Hello there I'm Gary Linia and welcome to the Rest is Football. If Netflix had VAR, they'd reverse their decision to give us thirty million quid for this. So it's been a disappointing few days. Scotland's hopes are hanging by a thread after they lost to Brazil and before that, there was England's frustrating Nil nil draw against Ghana. I'm once again joined by England manager Thomas Tule. Hello Gary. So Thomas, what was the main problem? A lack of legs in midfield? No Gary. I counted two on Rice, two on Anderson and two on Bellingham Exactly the right amount of legs. Then I substituted off Bellingham, two legs off and brought on Rogers, two legs on. The legs added up to the correct number of legs at all times And the Ghana team, they really parked the bus, didn't they? No, Gary. The C driver parks the bus. The Ghanaian players would not be allowed to drive the bus without a proper PSV licence and accreditation. Right, well, good luck against Panama, Thomas and don't forget the whole country's behind you No I am currently facing in a south easasterly direction, which means the whole of England I believe is to my left and slightly in front of me. I could I suppose try at all times to face away from England so that the whole country was indeed behind me. However, that strikes me as highly inefficient but is in again You are German, prerecisely Gudy. Hello and welcome to Times Radio. I'm Andrew Nee. The role of Andrex you dropped in the toilet and didn't fish out quickly enough. I'm here with prospective Prime Minister Andy Burnham. I've a good old in touch with the people of the North to you. Hello Andrew, Ar kit. have a pack it Come on, we all know you went to Cambridge, Sonny. So you want to rule this country. It's a tough job. Are you prepared for it? What's your strategy?ook, I have a great strategy. I have a five point plan onrew. Well, that's good to know. Are you going to let us in on it? Of course. Firstly, I become Prime Minister And I'm not sure I follow. That doesn't sound much like a five point plan. Oh, I'm sorry. I think I misspoke. I didn't mean five point plan. I meant five word plan. And the words are firstly, Okay, I yes become I get the idea. Prime We ahead of you, Minister Well, that's put my mind to rest. Wait, I've thought of another word. What's that? busses? So you don't know what you're doing? I don't want to get into specifics, but no One thing I will do is appoint a person of some description into the post of foreign Secretary, where I will put them in charge of foreign. And I will also do this with other important things like money and other important things like buses because everything is on the table or a timetable, just to say a bus would have a timetable Why are you so obsessed with buses? Because buses are the only achievements I can point to in the last decade. Bats and selfies.. Now a little book tells me perhaps some old labor characters could come back. like David Milliband. If you're considering old faces I think I knowew a name that would play very well with the British public. Like who? Oh you know who I mean Hon. You do. You've lost me. Come on, surely you've guessed. Just tell me who it is. Dianas! So I' soft in the Bast I thought if she had a job she'd stop following me round like her out of Babyndia. Andrew As if I would be doing that Shut up losers Dald gramling away at you until you leave or I fall asleep again In recent months, our troops have done an incredible job battling evil, evil But no deal has been reached. The vital waterway remains out of action. Yes, the Washington reflecting pool is still closed As my war on the algae enters its second month I have erected a fence around the reflecting pool at a modest cost of three hundred billion billion billion dollars. But this is just one step, step one of Operation Epic Fungi. Reopen the waterway And to those loser democrats who say it was the Donald who destroyed the reflecting pool with a boted renovation job, I remind them that once the Donald has bombed every last bit of stinking slimy sludge out of that reflecting pool to smitheroonies I will have delivered on yet another of my campaign promises to drain this swamp We watching Sky TV. You may have seen this week that Nicola Sturgeon is to take part in a new reality TV thriller called The War Game. and that's not the only new TV show she's making for us. Look, what I would say is hello and welcome to Oblivious the game show where contestants can win a huge array of luxury domestic goods as long as they don't notice them E ask me to host. Now Our first contestant is Maureen from Fife. Hi Nicola. Okay, Maureen, sit yourself down there in front of the conveyor belt and let's see how many of these items you can be oblivious to. A set of Lacru Mickey Mouse ramikins priced thirty nine pounds, A Carter K seven pressure washer Priced four hundred and seventy pounds. A Mels CM six thousand three hundred copee machine priced twelve hundred and ninety nine pounds. A Beatle special edition Fountain pen and roollerball, prriced one thousand four hundred seventy five pounds. And a cuddly toy! An of the items you just saw with your own eyes did you actually notice? Well, Nicola, I can't st and notice any of them because I don't spend much time in the kitchen. Me and my husband both earn high salaries so stuff like that's perfectly normal as far as I'm concerned Mie, no one believes a word of what you just said, but that doesn't matter on this show, so the items are yours to keep. Cgrratulations. Yes! Time now to play for tonight's Star Prize. Yes, it's this beautiful campper vine. Oh, that looks lovely And you haveve noticed it and so you have lost And your husband's going to prison For more inclredible feats of blindness on oblivious. Bye bye. It was a classic that was Glen Fy with the heat is on. And yes, we are all frying As the heat is most definitely on. Now having promised supporters he'd be a candidate for labour leader, the former Health Secretary shocked Westminster this week by backing Andy Burnham Moonfaced boy man Wes Streeting Joins me now. Yes, to answer that point, I did briefly consider fighting for the leadership But then my team reminded me that I am the living embodiment of a customer feedback form Isn't the truth here that Burnham offered you a plum job to buy you off? Surely a Machiavellian deal your mentor would be proud of Mental Oh, come on, don't play the innocent with me. He's been at your side every step of the way as you entered politics. I'm completely at a loss as to who you're talking about, Jeremy. You're talking about the Prince of Darkness, of course Oh him Yes, he is my mental. So you're finally admitting how close you and Peter Mandelson really are. He's manandel No no, I'm talking about my mentor, the actual Prince of Darkness, the devil I sold my soul to him when I was nineteen. Why do you think I don't age and I'm such a backstabbing little shit Streeting thank you. By the way, surely you've noticed by now that I look a bit like the inflatable pilot from airplane everybody has. Let's go back to the eighties again. hereere's Big country on radio too The ultimate cookout starts with the ultimate ingredients. At Whole Foods market, no antibiotics ever burgers and kebabs are prepped and ready to throw on the grill. Fire up a juicy ribeye. grab creamy potato salad and savory flatbreads from the prepared foods department, and round it all out with three hundred sixty five brand condiments, chips and dips at everyday low prices Whole Foods Market, Make your summer sizzle How did a boycott Jimmy become a billionaire from posting videos? On good bad billionaire, we're gonna to find out how the world's most popular YouTuber, Mr. Beast made his fortune. He's buried himself in a coffin for days, counted to a hundred thousand on camera, and even recreated squid games all in an attempt to go viral on the internet. But it all started when he gave a homeless man ten thousand dollars So is he a philanthropist reshaping capitalism? Or is he just the king of the attention economy? Find out on Good Bad Billionaire. Listen on bBc. com or wherever you get your podcasts BC sound Hello. I'm Chris Mason and joining me in the Newscast stududio is the leader of the opposition, Kemmy Badeno Hello, Chris. New your cormorants be well greased for the solstice Thank you. You've been quite aggressive of late. You've called Bridget Phillipson, the education seecretary, a spiteful class warrior. That is indeed so. You see, I have transmogrified from being a low energy weirdo To a low energy weirdo with emojo, to a low energy weirdo with aggro I am now using my position to flow that agro at those that displease me Would you like to feel the rough side of my tongue? Not especially. becausecause I keep my tongue here in my Wellington boot. As you can see it is a tongue of an otter. Seems rather cruel. It is not because it is still attached to the otter So where has all this newfound aggression come from? I was greatly buoyed by the result of the Aberdeen South Bialection because I have huge affinity with the peepholes of Scotland the people of Scotland. Hang on, didid you say peep hole? Oh yes, I carry one with me at all times to peep through. Here it is Is that a hole I've drilled in a haggis, yes. I can see you through it, Chris, and I can also see a future for the Conservative Party in which we are still nowhere near power Keby Baitnock, thank you. My bra is a set of bagpipes The train for Cetchworth is now arriving at pllatform three. Oh Laura, forgive me. Forgive you for what? For everything. This summer, the beloved masterpiece brief encounter returns to our screens. For meeting you in the first place. for taking that piece of grit out of your eye for bringing so much misery. I'll forgive you if youll forgive me. Oh the boat I must go Daring But before I do, I must take this final chance to tell you with all my heart and soul. The tie Yes. The tie. Yes There will now be a three minute hydration break. Dash it all, I'm not dehydrated. I've just had a cup of tea. So where were we Barar, he's gone. Damn you FIFA mandated hydration break. Dam you to hell This is it Sue. This is it. You're listening to BBC Radio four's intrigue to Catch a King. The hit investigative podcast which runs the full gamut from dangerous and dramatic to dramatic and dangerous. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Laurie is ex Amy just speakaking a whisper all the time. Because of the danger, this week our trail has led us somewhere that isn't a pitch black forest for once That's right, we're on a beach. Cold Rd, so cold red! Rob his exs army. It's called a red weather warning, Rob, because we're on a beach and it is very, very hot. Don't move so. We've got to stop right now. Rob, his exs army has identified a critical threat. What is it, Rob You can't hear our footsteps on sand. This is bad news. Without the sound of our footsteps we can't imply danger. There's only one thing for it. We have to stop the podcast and start it again at a shingle beach Afterfter just a few hours walking in circles, Rob finally finds some danger. Cver me so! Rob has forgotten to put on Sunan lotion. She left it in the hire car, Rob's ex Amy. We're very exposed here. Put your shirt on Rob. So! So! Suddenly because of editing, Rob has made contact with his contact Sue, I've received the package. Robber's got a kalipo. Sue, you have to be careful. Because of the danger. I've been hurt Hur! Robber's eaten his kalipo too fast and has an ice cream headache' exs Don' it hurt, S And that's my forehead A bo missing A bo missing! Everything about this hot beach is dangerous because of the danger. Join us next time. Back in the safety of the pitch Black forest. Because of the danger. H too catch Estone Rob his ex army You're watching Sky News with me Beth Rigby live from outside Ten Downen Street where just a few minutes ago the Prime Minister Kir Stahmer announced his resignation One of those watching on was the deputy Prime Minister David Lany, who joins me now. Good morning, Beth. David, David, it's your inner monologue here. be one of your last important interviews ever. Now we're going to get a new Prime Minister, presumably Andy Beram Look, the Labour Party has David. I've just had a crazy thought. Look, but actually I think it's rather a brilliant thought. Let's just see what happens. You could announce your candidacy right now on live television. Oh on David. But just don't rush me, okay. I don't think I was rushing you. Sorry, no. What I was trying to say was perhaps I myself will decide to throw my hat. This is your moment. Cpe David throw my hat yes, in the bin. Why wouldt you throw your hat in the bin? Sorry, what I meant was perhaps now is the moment. Go on too throw my keys in the bowl Right Well I think we'll have to leave it there, David. Lammy thank you David, once a lammy, always a lammy. No, no, no, let me speak. Truth be told, Makerfield was a wake up call for my party, and that means it's time for Nige to up his game. We're going in harder, faster, stronger, Enoch Powier. And that's why I'm unveiling our new policies. I'm going in hot, not in a foreign curry way, of course But from now on, I'm going after this lot. So if this is you, you best be looking over your shoulder. Anyone Who has a continental quilt. Anyone who knows what the hell Tahini is. People who own more than one type of vinegar. It's malt or you're going in the camps jompierre. Anyone who uses more than two spices, it's salt and pepper and make sure the pepper is white, none of your black rubbish Rice cookers, I don't think so, Mr Chinaman. Burn it to the bottom of the pad like the rest abs. And While we're at it, people who think rice needs washing. It's rice mate, not a bloody Labrador. Lord dts. Clothes don't need laundrying. It's a t shirt, not millions in unmarked rubles I went on a gap here. I'll tell you what, if you left the country for more than a fortnight, you're an Indian. That's the Britain I want. That's the Britain I'll give you. I'm going after them all. Anyone who eats, drinks or sounds foreign. Anyone with a foreign surname. I Hold up, hang on a moment. Wait, Farage. Sounds a bit French. Oh no. I'm sending myself to a work camp. Aually, hang on, this is brilliant. It's about time I've shown I can't get away with a foreign surname. I disgust myself. Take me away I demand it. Sponging foreign me coming over here and taking my job You're listening to today, coming up later Thought for the Day. And here's mine. Why can't we act the godbothereers and keep the world tonight? There's growing disquiet in the Labour partarty after West Streeting pulled out of a leadership contest to back Andy Burnham in a reverse Conation streeting And despite Darren Jones saying he won't stand, many labour figures are still hoping someone will emerge in the next few days to challenge Andy Burnham, however unlikely a contender, they might seem. sw Nick, busizy Lizzy has entered the contest. Consider the gauntlet thrown down, Tuster style. Liz trrust, but why? a sentence I could have said many times down the years. Why do you think Because you said the word coronation? And as everyone knows, the only reason we had the last coronation of King Charles was down to yours truly. There wouldn't have been any coronation at all if the Lizmeter had kill the queen. But you're not even an MP. Neither was Andy B until last week, but look, I've been everything from a deranged lib dam to a deranged Tory over the years. so who's to say Liz the Riz can't also be a deranged socialist Besides all this talk of Kia Stabber being Britain's worst prime minister, makes me very cross about people's short memories. How quickly they forget me and Qasi's mini budget made of nothing but swar figer and pins? Do you really think you're cut out to be the next Well, I'm an egoaniac with zero policies who demands that everyone looks at me all the time. Duh. Well actually that does sound like what they're looking for. Exact a Mondo, Nick. Everyone loves the fizzy Lizzy. I'm going to be the next great Labour prrime Mister in the tradition of Ronald MacDonald am McDonald, you mean You have your political heroes, Nick. I have my You're listening to Front row on Radio four, I'm Samira Ahmed. After the news that Disney is to end the West End run of the stage musical version of Hercules, producers have announced plans to bring it back with a new lead character. We can speak to him now Good evening, Samira So Kia Starmer is not who I was expecting at all. Yeah, I just couldn't understand how something that should have run and run could be cut off in its prime. So now I'm delighted to be stepping into the breach Hit it Y my soul Ker was on a roll. Sashing Rishi's party up in every single pole. Bong Big Ben K's in number ten withith Lami Resason Ryer as my gang of merry men. Freezing the aged? What a brilliant move! Rot the disabled? Now I'm in the groove losing the locals! Don't you fear? What my majority disappear