Ten Years Later Update

Pushin U Hi. Hello, Hi. Back in the studio again. Back in the saddle. Today we're gonna knock on the door of an old friend of yours named James. Ah, okay. This is a first season episode. Yeah, way back. To me, it's one of the funniest episodes. Yeah, it's very funny. And it's also One that I would come back to When I was kind of missing my friends, when I was missing both James and Howard, I would just put on this episode and it felt like I could spend a little bit of time with them it is funny that at the time when we, you know, went off on our mission for this episode full of hope and shenanigans in our heart or whatever. We felt like kind of over the hill, you know, we felt like this is like kids stuff, you know, we're like men in our mid forties, you know, and what are we doing? But now listening to it The vantage point ten years later, I feel like, wow, were we ever so young? ten years. my goodness.. Yeah. A lot transpires, it turns out in the course of ten years. It certainly does. yeah, and at the end of the episode, I check back in with James to see what his life has been. all these years later. Well, enjoy. Enjoy indeed. please. makeake sure the volume is set at a at a temperate number Oh But first A word from our sponsors This is an IiHart podcast Guaranteed human This message is a paid partnership with Apple Card. There's something interesting about how seamlessly certain tools fit into daily life Apple card is one of those things It can be applied for right in the Wallet app on iPhone and approval can happen in minutes So it's ready to use immediately with Apple Pay I'm so glad the dayays of finding my wallet. fishing out the credit card, using it, putting it back in my wallet or oops, maybe I use cash. Where's the ATM enough. The first time I used Apple Pay on my phone with my Apple card I was like This is the future. There's no going back With Apple card, purchases earn daily cash up to three percent with no points to track and no waiting for awwards. It's simply daily cashback that I earn on every purchase There's even an option to open a high yield savings account True Apple card And while I haven't done it yet. If I do, my DaLily cash can grow automatically over time. without any extra effort Because Apple Card lives in the wallet app. It's always accessible on iPhone and can be used with Apple Pay at over eighty five percent of merchants in the US. And the security of face ID and touch ID prevents unauthorized purchases whether using iPhone watch To exploit yourself, you can apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app on your iPhone subject to credit approval Savings is available to Apple Card owners subject to eligibility Savings and Apple Card by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch, member FDIC, terms and more at AppleCard d. com This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. 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Refinance a al loan must be at least five thousand dollars Credit collateral sub to approval A addditional anditions apply for bonus offers, subject to change or in at any time Horrible timing Kids in my house, two parents, and getting kids ready for Halloween. Jonathan Goldstein calling for dor. Jackie Cohen I gotta. Oh, wait Hello Jackie. You know what? Okay, you're a doctor, right Hurry I'm starting to realize like in the past year I I've hurry pretty convinced I them Hi. I'm losing hair You were bald Balding Bald. It's a process. So bald. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's a symptom of something. Gotta go, John. I got to go the party starts in fifteen minutes. You're having a party at your house Why didn't you invite me over Um Do you want to just do the show or From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is heavyweight Today's episode James When he was a kid James loved taking long walks with his dad, Douglas Douglas was a film buff And during these walks, he'd recount the plot to every movie he'd ever seen Hitchcock, Kubrick James loved it And when he grew older and finally got to see the actual movies, As good as they were They often paled beside the versions his dad told. Something of a dreamer and an eccentric Douglas lived his life as though he himself were a character in a movie He died that way too On his deathbed, he issued an unexpected final request The request was that we scatter his ashes. on the eighteenth hole. of the golf course he loved Each of Douglas's kids was handed a different task regarding the estate James was put in charge of the Ashes My dad was probably the most important person to me oututside, obviously of my wife and kids Um When he died and when the will was recorded, I wasn't there. You were actually there, I think I was there. Douglas was nearing the end and urgently needed to sign his will And James, who lived out of town couldouldn't make it in time. So he asked me and our other good friend, Howard, to go to his father's bedside and bear legal witness to the signing of the will To this day, James still carries around a lot of regret about not being able to be there Although I know it's unlikely. My memory of that day is of Douglas wearing an ascot tucked into his hospital robe Regardless of whether he actually was, Douglas was the kind of man who always gave the impression of wearing an Ascot As always, he was gentlemanly and cordial This in spite of the fact that he would pass away within the next forty eight hours Douglas was born an illegitimate child in a poor part of England and raised by a single mom As a young man, he felt judged and carried with him the feeling of always having to prove himself even going so far as to affect a posh upper class accent For Douglas, golf was the domain of the wealthy and sophisticated And having his ashes placed on the eighteenth hole of his beloved golf course An event that James says he probably envisioned being accompanied by bagpipes and artillery would mean finally receiving his due But James is yet to honor his father's request It's now been sixteen years. Is it just procrastination U, that's what I told myself. Yeah I can vividly remember you know, a day afterwards thinking Oh yeah, the simplest thing. In fact, it seems so simple that We'll get to it. And now sixteen years later It's, u it's very complicated I think to be honest with you, there's part of me that wants to hold on to them because it's It's my dad And so the urn moved from mantels to closets For a long time, it even knocked around in the trunk of James's car It now sits on a shelf. in his basement What you think be would it be a load off your head if you were able to spread the ashes The amount of times I cried, you know, going on about how what a terrible son I was to not honor his request and the guilt I have about the way he died and, you know, I didn't deal with it well. it's all a piece. He as he got sicker and sicker, he wanted to go home desperately. and U myself and my siblings decided he could not go home because he was a hoarder. though it wasn't clear that he ever used them. Douglas had an entire room filled solely with golf clubs. Having lived through the war, he also saved empty TV dinner trays, old microwaves, and broken radios that he'd find on the street We decided he could not go back there And u He was so upset about that and he went out Really angry You just wanted to go home. I can't fix the way he died This was his one request and I haven't honored it Um Not only would I be put to bed something that's been just dogging me for years. I think I'd also feel pretty proud of myself that I'm the person I want to be Since the person I want to be is the person who helps people be the people they want to be, I asked James if he'd like me to help him lay his father's ashes to rest. And James said, Yes. W you want to do that? Yeah, of course I do. The objective, infiltrate Douglas's fancy old golf course and scatter the ashes The obstacles? setet the Jenarian Narks with prying eyes Not to mention the fact that scattering earthly remains is against the law. For this to work, we need the right team James was the key man, our entry point into the operation And I was the bank, bank rolling the green for expenditures All that was missing was a front man. We needed a person of quick wit. Look at that. off the b the bat cat sat fat, someone cool under pressure. We needed 's why I'm Howoward. Not only was Howard our oldest friend, but he was there with me the day the will was signed and the directive was given And to top it off, Howard never met a grrift, Squindlle or Fim Flam he didn't think was eggs in the coffee okay. Fill your pockets with extra after dinnerintents at the local diner Check. Avail yourself of ill gained coffee refills through a counterfeit Russian seniors card Double check Howoward was always on the make For anything. The date had been set Sunday. whichich also, as it happens, is Father's Day team was in place We just needed to sort out logistics Thursday eight hundred forty eight PM Howard? Hey Hi Hi hi. Hello.. I'm on the phone with James. Hi Dke. I just wanted to get us all together to strategize a little bit. So Howard is there any wisdom or experience that you could bring to bear. you know, past things that you've done like this. But from my previous heist experience. Yeah. We shouldn't do acid to get too high or those in ro one Some booze maybe might help steal our nerves So do you want to try to go there and Golf No I've never golfed I don't know how to golf. so I've never golfed either. and it's the eighteenth hole too. so I wish it was the first hole because we could just go and suck and then do our thing. Yeah. He specifically needs the eighteenth hole, right? eighteenth hole. It's the last hole. But if there's someone there watching us, how we how do we do it The Clubhouse is near the eighteenth hole. It looks over the eighteenthole. so that's another challenge was it was it a clubouse clelearly There was a lot of work to be done nine thirty two PM A quick look at the golf course website reveals a very specific dress code. Po shirts, belts, golf shoes, something called a tilly hat If wearing a polo shirt with some kind of bonnet wasn't embarrassing enough, the rules explicitly stated that all shirts were to be tucked in to your pants For this to work, we need to honor the dress code to a T. In short, we need the best disguises money could buy. And as the bank, it was my job to secure the green backacks After a brief parley with Gimlet founder and CEO Alex Bloomberg, I'm told my budget is fifty dollars, to which I say, but I've already promised the crew I'd take them shopping at JC Penny and now I'll look like an idiot, to which he says, What crew? and I say, never mind Alex then tells me to take it up with Matt because he's in the middle of a boardroom meeting, but Matt scares me, so I just convert the green to Canadian travelers checks. A safe responsible move, so Alex, if you're listening, you should at least cover the service fees, except you probably aren't listening because you're too busy with your precious startup So although it probably wasn't the kind of establishment James' posh dad Douglas would approve of We'd need to hit the only place we could afford. Friday, twelve thirty six PM It turns out the sports section of a goodoodwill can be a pretty sad place Unstrung Badminton rackets, waterlogged nerve footballs you only hope are logged with water. And one boxing glove, that's. As an advanced student of the Heist Filmz genre, I know that when pulling off a big job, the perfect outfit is crucial. Think Michael Kain's Luxe white turtleneck in the Italian job or Elliott Gould's neckerchief in Oceans eleven They' some very nice slacks here. I will say. and the prices are very affordable You want to try on the polo shirts? Not exactly Frankie Munz's wrap aroundound shades in Agent Cody Banks But it'll have to do. Look at these two O It's like Rayon. So soft thises The good news is that the Goodwill has changing rooms The bad news is that there's only one And it's about the size of a bus station toilet stall. I'm gonna come in with you. But since we are A a team and B absolutely fearless Together we cram in and like any team would Strip compleomtely naked That might be the ugliest shirt I've ever. I kinda like it It beaars mentioning that the shirt Howard is referring to is creamsicle Orange and bears the logo of a plumbing company. And luckiest of lucky days, He's found the exact same shirts for me and James This way, he reasons, we can all match crew. It looks good. You know' supposed to look good at's golfing St Oh man. Howard, James, and I have known each other since we're teenagers Back then, we used to hang out like this all the time, just doing goofy stuff But we now live in separate cities with wives, kids, jobs. and we never get to do this kind of thing anymore. Standing around in the middle of the afternoon, laughing in the buff with old friends feels nice this is good. We got shirts and I got a belt. As we exit into the parking lot, our plastic sacks plump with glad rags somethingomet straight up magical happens. Oh my God. Before getting too excited about what we think we might be seeing, possibly, we wait confirmation from the man who can spot a con a mile off. What is a double rainbow? It's legit. Double rainbow And even Howard's impressed mildly And so James and I give ourselves over fully Overcome by this fortuitous sign, the crew was moved to song. Song It was red and purple and crimson and green apple and. A rainbow was a good omen. likeike James's dad Douglas was looking down on us and smiling a big multicolored upside down smile. Oange and blue Sure, we were dressed to the eightens, but if we each took forty five minutes to sink a ball from two feet away, we might attract suspicion We needed to train hard. I'm talking Rocky, running through waist high Russian snow Hard, a montage of steel drum musicians learning to play chariots of fire, set to the tun of via the Tiger hardard I'm talking actually learning how to play golf We find a driving range in the fancier part of town and book a golf pro by the name of Stephven Saturday one PM Are you Stephven? Hey, Stephen, I'm Jonathan. This is Howard, and this is James. This is Stephven. Stehen A smile with more dimples than the golf balls he lovingly cradles. A tall drink of sports Aqua Vvelva Ea de toilette, if ever there was. Stehven's been golfing professionally for over twenty years and couldn't be nicer or better smelling. And considering the frantic barrage of imbecilic questions we ask He also couldn't be more patient. St, are those official Gorsses? Yeah. I'' professionions Steid. What what a golf is st like happappy Gilmore L like a movie like that they find that they find of insulting After a brief lecture on the basic how tos, hit ball with Stick Hold stick with hands, Get ball in hole We're ready We insist James go first After all This is his mission And we want to do is really finish it just like this here. we're get. While Stephven tenderly positions James' hips and elbows Howard grabs my microphone. And golf commentates. I'd say he looks really, really horrible.s just ridiculous looking.ot encouraging Somehow, James manages to connect on his very first try. That's good.. Everyone's saying very encouraging things, but it's really horrible, just to say. But he got it, it went in the air and he hit it. It's like you say to a child. It's good, you hit it. Stephven looks over at Howard, who now squats in the grass, untying and ret tying his two left footed goodwill issued golf shoes, and then he looks over at me A grown man in a two large tilly hat, strings cinched tight enough beneath the chin to ensure the clench jawed vocal affect of a young Katherine Hepburn He waves us to come hither. offering up something in the way of inspiration I'm gonna try to make it go from right to left. It must feel really good when you get it up in the air like that. Well it's great because that's the goal, right? is to get it up The golf ball flies straight up into the air. And then, as though eerily achieving human consciousness in mid flight, suddenly takes a sharp lagh. W so cool Howard, baptized in the backspllash of Stehven's Pheromones, is born again He's seen the pinnacle of male perfection. And James, it is not. See, James, that's what it looks like. That's what when a man hits a golf ball, A male of the species hits a golf ball Next up is Howard He steps to the te, grips the club in just the way Stephven instructed Does this adorable waddle back and forth to get his footing just so And then Did you hear that? Let me play it again Thrice. A swing and a miss, a swing and a miss, a swing and a miss. That's too much. you're losing your galance, bnce too fast The first twenty five years are tough Oh, Stephven. All this and funny too. My attempts were just as fruitless. As it turns out, golf is hard. We wonder if Douglas knew just how difficult a mission he'd sent us on. How would we do without the golf pro standing there helping us? You know the difference between golf clubs? When there's wet No, I don't. notot really. I mean I know it' edge Driver, putter, one iron, two iron, three iron, putter one thirty nine AM. It's the night before the job, and the reality of our situation begins to set in. How can any sting be stung when the would be stingers absolutely stink at golf Clearly, this plan wasn't going to work. And so at a quarter to two in the morning, Panic set in It's impossible It's impossible for us to play golf. We would suck so hard. We would never make it off the first fucking hole. And if we knocked the balls anywhere, I'm with you. It's like learning how to fucking juggle. It's like it's an incredibly impossible thing to do. It's gonna to be so obvious things out because we've never fucking golfed. Yeah, that's the issue. If we're doing any sort of subterfuge We're going to be the most obvious conspicuous people in the world. Vicious. And then we'll have to get all the way The eighteenth told that takes hours. I mean, literally hours even if you're good. Literally ye. and then try to get the ashes out, forget it two fifteen AM. Do you guys know what stomp rockets are? Growing desperate, we chuck the old plan and begin to free associate new plans. need a te shirt cannon? You know, actually that could work. three hundred five AM What if we dumped them into say like a balloon filled it with water And then with them So they' explode all on the eighteenth green and that's it This was going nowhere So I raised the possibility of her pulling off a night job For those of you squares who need to be Hp to it That's a job one performs at night they might have dogs. What if they think we're like terrorists or something? Super, super posh exclusive club going late at night with someone's human remains, which is fucking totally illegal. Yeah, I mean, they must have some sort of security there. Oh, one hundred percent The sun was coming up soon. So I suggest that like in Dog Day afternoon or Reservoir Dogs, or really any other movies about dogs that I've also not seen that can only assume have happy heartwarming endings Maybe we just show up during the day. and hope for the best. This idea. Okay, that works for me. They liked After the break, the A team of Glf sets off on its mission I want to be Golf Lunin, and you could be Mr. T T O E. I one am mind?re you just know it' wedge. No. you're wgeinal then C This show is brought to you by Better Help BetterHelp's twenty twenty six State of Stigma repeport surveyed two thousand Americans and revealed that eighty five percent of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet, seventy four percent said society discourages people from doing so Cila Holt, do you believe in therapy? I go regularly I would tail must All my friends are in therapy. When I was younger growing up in the nineteen forties, therapy was more of a stigma. Your generation talks about mental health more openly. 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James has held on to his dad's n for sixteen years, but he's always kept it in the velvet bag it came with So he's never actually handled it Earlier in the day, though, in anticipation of the job, he withdrew it And if there was any question about just how much Douglas loved golf, It was immediately answered by what was revealed. Eetched into the side of the urn was a golfer in mid swing Hs to, dad So I'm taking some of Brusy's poop bags that are actually unscented, which is kind of nice. and we're going to use these to transfer some of James's Boveds father'sh is' into hear Howarrot had the idea of using his pug's poop bags to separate the ashes into portions for each of us. H reasoning Should one of us get pinched by some golf clubhouse Johnny Lawgh, the two surviving members of the crew could still carry out the job Oh my Godd, this is so strange Oh what of business Now what a business? I des what a fucking business. Well, I'm glad you that I'm glad' I've have a couple of trains still getting off Sento. but I'm really glad you guys are doing this to me Part of this thing for sixteen years was there was this sort of fear that I wouldn't be able to handle dealing with the physicality of it. But if there's something I'm now grateful for and I wonder if there was some wisdom in it is that he has compelled me to deal with this. I've never cursed him for it, but I've been angry. I've never been angry but I've been, I don't know what the word is, sort of like, fuck, you know, you couldn't just go without, you couldn't just die. You had to make this somewhat absurd, ridiculous request that was impractical and almost impossible to achieve. But I'm sitting right now kind of almost grateful for it So let's let's hope let's hope we're successful today twenty five AM As we set off on the job, Howard shows doubts about his outfit. I looks like a fat failure of a dentist. I look like I lost my practice because I put dentures in a child's mouth As we near the golf course, James grows silent Oh I parked in a space. All right, Good show. How you feeling?? nervous. I'm gonna park near here just for a quick getaway. From the parking lot, we wind our way towards the green. Maybe it's testament to a tilly hat cocked at just the right angle, but nobody seems to be stopping us. We have infiltrated. Look Look how manicured it is. like like it looks like a pool table. It there's's a pile of like ashes there in the middle. The golf course is what you'd expect. Green grass as far as the eye can see, trees, ponds. It's beautiful. And under normal circumstances, it' make us feel peaceful like But just now, it's making us feel out of place. rememinding us of who we are. Three frightened middle aged men dressed in discarded plumbing company uniforms, struggling under the weight of our bulky knapsacks and a mission that just now feels too big for us I don't know shouldh we just try to go to the eighteenth hle or should we go in and That's I believe that's it, isn't it? As it turns out, the eighteenth hole is the hole nearest the parking lot. That red flag right there is your destination. the eighteenth hole. and that is it. It is the most conspicuous hole, so thanks a lot, Dad Right now we would beed right now, we're being washer even now, you more than one We decide to play cool, case the joint. We make our way to the ninth hole, which is out of view, and it's here that fear sets in. and with it, bargaining. The ninth hole, dad, right here would be perfect. I could go with the whole earn dumpet. Maybe he liked the screen. He liked the he liked the whole golf course. It wasn't his but I know this is the back nine I Next, denial. My question. Why about your dad who is an avid golfer, who was probably really, really serious about his games? Why would he want to put his assion on the green, which would interfere with another golfers's I suggest we cool our heels in the clubhouse and the boys agree It turns out that that evening is a Father's Day banquet, so the staff is rushing to prepare which allows us to wander around relatively unnoticed The club goes back about one hundred years, and on the walls are hung old brown and white photos and plaques, commemorating the members who've died fighting in both World Wars Since almost the start of our mission, James had expressed a fear that maybe no one at the club would even remember his dad Douglas was just such a loner that over the years, James had never met any of his friends As far as he knew, he didn't really have any There was a lot about his dad he didn't know. Like whether he was even any good at golf So he was hoping he might find some small trace of him here. A photo or even his name on a list somewhere Oh the registry We find a large old looking book that lists every champion in the course's history Wow, it goes back to nineteen oh three. This which is amazing I mean, I'm sure he's probably documented in some books somewhere. It's just I find it. Did you wantan to check that book?. Did you look the walls? Yeah, I didn't see anything in her Since the book won't talk, we look for someone who will. We stop every staff member and golfer who looks old enough and ask if they remember Douglas. saying Douglas Heurst passed away in two thousand. We're hoping to find some sort of sideide event but I't My name does ring a bell. Douglas Heurst a long time ago. I find people who remember And look, I play at six in the morning, so the only guys I know are the grass be head no. No dice Untilure' In a basement room squeezed into an armchair, watching golf on TV, is Serge When it comes to looking your best, Beachbum tanning does it better. Beachbum delivers advanced sun and spray tanning, luxury skincare, and an elevated salon experience designed around you. It's why so many guests trust Beachbum for flawless color and real confidence. And now Beachbum is expanding wellness services to many locations, with red light theraapy and infrared sauna, with more on the way. recharge your body, refresh your skin, reset your day. Beachbum isn't just tanning, It's full spectrum wellness. Visit beachbum dot com to find a location near you Hey, it's Ry Reynold here from MitMobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited preremium wireless for fifteen dollarars a month is back So I thought it would be fun if we made fifteen dollars bills, but it turns out That's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. 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It's simply daily cashback that I earn on every purchase There's even an option to open a high yield savings account Tue Apple Card And while I haven't done it yet. If I do, my daily cash can grow automatically over time without any extra effort Be Apple Card lives in the wallet app It's always accessible on iPhone and can be used with Apple Pay at over eighty five percent of merchants in the US. And the security of face ID and touch ID prevents unauthorized purchases whether using iPhone watch. Explore yourself, you can apply for Apple card in the Wallet app on your iPhone subject to credit approval Savings is available to Apple Card owners subject to eligibility Savings and AppleCard by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch, member FDIC, terms and more at AppleCart dot com Sairs. A French Canadian bulldog of a man, he pours fistfuls of mixed nuts into his mouth, which he washes down with generous slugs from his beer Wh is it dog? That's you I to se Through the half jar of fancy cocktail nuts crammed into his grizzled maw You might not be able to understand the word Serge is desperately trying to choke out He's saying Crazy Doug Crazy Doug is his nickname for James' dad. Oh, I'm so glad I found someone to rememember and we asked a few people and not too many people. Nobody remember. helpel me find maybe a staff member who had been here a while and no knew I to knowew. I'm so glad. you in very well So was he a good golf player? Was he good? He was a good golfer. He was a golfer. Yeah. but if he was like what was it eight or nine handicap here. Oh, that's very good.' very good. This is like the top five percent of all the golfers in the world. So he was very good. He was very good. And he was dedicated The room full of golf clubs that James had thought was garbage, Sers spoke of it with respect He called it the largest most complete collection of golf clubs in all of Canada. You never want to hear someone refer to a person you love by a pet name prefixed by the word crazy But the benefit is that when they tell you stuff about your dad You know they're being honest So when Sair says what he says next, James knows he can believe him I don't think I have ever met somebody as bralliant as your dad. They little depth of knowledge about everything But on the other side, it was also very I would't say shy. Isolate like Exactly. Yeah. Quickly alone We saw him very rarely on the clubhouse. I think it was because he was a bit of a loner