Guest Bathrooms and Ambulance Service Dilemmas

There's lots of very funny dilemmas coming your way in just a moment. You can watch every episode of Hel I Sex with My boss too. From Jordan's attempts to be a YouTuber back in twenty ten, seriously the secondhand embarrassment is real. to William's reaction to seeing a fanny for the first time. There are so many brilliant moments that you need to see Search for H I seected my boss on YouTube and hit subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Welcome to this very special episode where Help I Seected My boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from the Joe and James Facted Up podcast. I'm not gonna lie this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now. Yes, for all the factacted U listeners out there, hello, we are William Hanson and Jordan Rors from Help I Seected My boss.ll. I'm definitely one of here so Willam always goes on the goodoodie. Yeah Yeah. Sorry. What No don't Thats for my deafness.'s a tragic ory behind In fact, you should ask that when we get going. We're going Yeah. Are we going? Well we know we are, don't know the trouble is we We have to just take everything because we're very inefficient and You might say something good in the beginning Oh I doubt it. We do about three hours. We do about three hours and then they whistle it down to We have the same trainers. Oh I'm not in trainers today. I'm in a nice suede loafer. We see these are very nice. Yes I know these shoes are gradually getting worse and they do have on them amongst other things my three year old daughter's W. Yeah. So she the trouble is is like she literally favors what she calls a bush wee because of Bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when when she' the toilet is available because she prefers going wild And then the system is I basically just holder aloft And then it kind of comes out And it goes all over the fucking place. and I just after the most recent one I was like, this is all in my fucking shoe. You know you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside. I cant I am not able to do that. I don't have any I have no control about her. Did you ever wh outside? Did you ever wh on your dad's wheel? you know what? No, car No, funny enough, I didn't We heard asing a child on the tube ha a away one was Pottyies yesterday, funny enough. Yeah, yeah. She started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why, know Well on your tube line, I suspect that all goes on. Well it doesn't happen on the Elizabeths line, yeah, I suppose Elizabetah. There's more crackads on there than Not on my train. Is the u The Elizabeth line does it like less stuff would go down on it. It's very ex better yeah, for a better class of commuter. What do you think's like the roughest line What's the worst? What's the one you'dve on? Whver there changes? Yeah. so there's live updates on the map. how would change that? They got new chins? I used to be on Baker Loo Yeah It's a really old one It's the oldest you Elephant Castle way? Yeah, we at Elephant Castle. Well, didid you live in Elephant castle? Yeah. Well, estate agent said Kennington, and then we were like, elephant Castle, mate. Yeah. Very gay Elephanton castle. Y. It is now. Socked. Now you've left. I know, I knew it was. We started. I knew it wast. Oh we are. Oh, we've started. Well thanksving I'm gonna to say thanks toven. I feel like really push this because I'm trying not to fangirl right now. so I feel like it's me I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing st. They've been made to do this. No also if you want to get out of if you want the fang Girl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us and it will immediately wear off or you don't need to. Did you ever watch the in betweenetweeners or white Gld or even I don't really watch television. No fine, fine. But I hear wonderful things. Thank you very much.. I know lots of people love it and that's wonderful. Well. And you are both cult figures Yes, well, no. I don't say cult. Cult. Right? Yes. No. I we T big cults. Messy. Well fresh meat. Do you watch fresh meat as well? No, really? No, don't watch fat honestly, honest And Ill tell you what, I don't really, I don't watch comedy now because I can't adust it makes me too anxious. It's like Oh that's a sh. If it's well, ye, I mean, basically it's like If it's good, I'm jealous and I'm like, why, my career' over Why I don't think good anymore. And it's bad, I'm like, fucking out is this is what it's like when people are watching me. Am I this shit? So it's just either way it's just People laugh in between us Well, I don't take any credit for the mines because I mean he's very good it. Eesra He's good. I just think didn't write it, didn't know what I was doing. I've never I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done. I've watched Fried M my dinner apparently Friided din din is meant be amazing and Robert Pper is invved a lot. It's fantastic. I didn't watch it and then I wanted to do a retrospective for it. They asked me to do one of those talking heads for it And I So I watched the all I'd watched a few episodes of the first series and I was like, I've got toa fucking watch all of it. So I watched all of it over the course of about three days. Brilliant. Anden I did the talk and I was just like catatonic with tiredness. and I was just I knew like a weird amount about it. I was like, I think it's in series four, episode three, where it was an idea. and also they didn't use it. The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me Like I can't watch it. If I was to watch like fresh Mat or Friday night dinner or something. I'd just be going, I know that guy Yeah. He's a mate of mine. someone I knows on the television. I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing, like magic almost I was kind of like And I really, really thought it was true Like if I watched the bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They'll be able to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like What shows did you grant watching other than the bill? U Well, first of all, everything because I grew up with the four channels. so it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on. I kept it on if I I didn't have any work to do until like one thir in the morning and then went to bed and I watched everything. and I remember You don't have any work to do. I didn't no I't have a kids What I had essays? I mean, for school, I mean, it's like I come from school. I'd watch television until I dont know, eight thirty nine I'll be like, I've heard this in fucking work. And then I' And then I'd stay out really, really late do my do. old were you? How old were you going Oh I better do some fucking work. I suppose. I tell you what it was basically, I would say that I Fourteen. A fourteen, right I remember Yeah. I remember there being literally nothing on. Rember as as Lets see of there being nothing on. like when you'd have just the four channels and like they were honestly there were some really really like black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on two channels. And I think, o, I mean for fucks, I honestly I I just couldn't even I couldn't even look at the screen. I couldn't even. I was never home when I was a kid. I was just out. I was the same as I always out. I tell he was at that. I was always played football, Kirby, banners. That sounds much more healthy. J wait unt we got two I was see the ball and you have to go home Yeah But where did you grow? in Essex in a villit called Ritle. And where did you go I grew up in Essex as well In Dagenagonam. They call it East London there. Yeah, I it was folks. That's funny because my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Daganham. Right?ave they? They're not getting those back? How did they get nicked? Nicked backstage. We can try and get them back for you. I wnder they're in Dagonam, if you know anyone trrackem right now. A cheeky back. James is a bit you know anyone's vogging any earpods? a lot of wax build upp in both of them But we cleaned my earPods once I left him at A and he got a lot. I had to buy a little gadget off Amazon to Can mine. clear that airpods anged the receptacles thing they come in So did they do the job? They were really grim. ' I don't clean my ears that much. Have you not had your ears syringed? No, I've got a bit of a phobia about it. Why? When I was a kids, You know, when you're a kid and your mum like cut shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful. It's really sort of trou. not many use them between in your ears. I'm told don't put anything bigger than your elbow in your ears. I was told that. And it doesn't make any sense, does it How can you fit your elbow? Exactly Exactly. The doctor used to say to my mum Youn'ting in the ear beg in your elbow. And my mom thought it was this amazing witticism. it was like w Wildeian. it's like Oh I tell say what Dr. Vinscent says, it does make me laugh. D read anything. I was say, It doesnt make it's not funny. it doesn't make sense. Well talking about here is, before we got going, we were talking about Jordan being deaf and one ear, ask now asking him the story.'s happen? especially you've got a phobia. William just finds it hilarious. but basically I've been deaf and one ear since I was fourteen. Yeah putting my bike in the shed My mom s Don't leave your bike out it or get nicked So I want to put my bike in the shed My ear bur as I've been When you your bike in the sha Yeah just b enjoy it. It's bigger than your elbow in there I was just putting out my earburst and I went my ears burst and we went to be right and then two weeks later I was like, St still c hair out that hereir. Whatland because this is terrifying. Did you do didid you do something? Just walk it just doing your bike. Oh God. And it's like burst an eardrome and it's damaged But someone did say, but then someone said I've said this a few times when a medical professor apparently it's close to like an amneurysism or something, you know when people anurism. Yeah So it was quite serious, but we laugh now. And then I got a I got youone was laughing at the time? He couldn't hear this. I could't he it.. And it came in the NHS and they put a burnley badge in it to try and like make me wear it. but I went to a school in Preston. so ye no, yeah, you kick. shit kicked out. Exactly. And then it came in a pink and yellow lunchbx with I promise you Ellie the elephant on the front who had a hearing aid in. Imagine being in near Telly the elephant or notant? It was likeking an ad call Ellie the elephant. Ellie the elephant. You know, you put your bags down at school to play football, It that was those drawstring bags everyone Yeah And they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it. And I was just like just and I've never seen it since It's in Dagenham. I say it's probably in Dagam. airpods. Yeah. So they like, you know, on the light lads or the bullies took it out and they were like trying to throw it and they want them to catch it and they were just kicking it out down the ad. That's for I'm not even bothered. Ive never wn it. I' school's awful inn' it. Yeah.. Unless you were in William who loved school. I didn't love school. Where did you go to school William went to school in Bristol wasas this store? or something like that. We call them in the independent sector, but yees, so I was went to an independent school. Right. You're fascinated back with him a bit, aren't you? Well, because I'm just common as Muck. I'm just No, don't be s. I think I do appreciate manners and things like that. good making people feel comfortable and I nearly wore a boating blazer today. Oh did you? And some loafers And I just thought And what's You're trying too hard, James relax.'m sure sure he'll like you. Man is not about trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self. Absolutely. yeah. yeah That's what we've got. Could just say as well, look at all this is like Matt, look, that's the best album, my favorite ever album. The Arctic Munk's album,?'ve got all these films here. Why have you got Esclub? I mean I like Eclum,on' get me wrong, but we were going for a sort of we're nineties like, you know we wanted this to look like a nineties bedroom Yeah that was maybe on a sitcom or something. You know, when you Yeah you won't know, but when you You up watch television. Yes. My family. You'd watch something like saave by the Bell or something like that. you'd go, God, I wish I had his bedroom. is so cool He's got. So, I always used to think that much about Hyrinth in Richard's bedroom and keep her appearanceces. That right withith the floral wallpaper. And that's influenced my life. And's good That's good too. I' got that. I've basically got that sef. Yeah has got that sef Well, that's a nice bedroom as well. Yes. And but yeah, that's what we've So I think I think I'm still kind of I think I'm still kind of in that a in my head and I'm just sort of ye everyday surprised that It's not stayed exactly the same and that's pretty much my perennial reaction. The ninetters were a great era. They were a great era. It's good s to be a kid.. Yeah. Yeah, good entertainment, but not. too much Only four channels. Only four channels and fiveive towards the end, whenn't it Never got it where I were. Yeah for some people. got it my Grndars and M.el soft por, you remember? Yeah? Eurotrash? No this is your soft. No, that was channel four and Eurorash. Euro trrash was I once I was staying at my n's house And we were watching Channel five and she fell asleep. In the evening And then it cut to like it did. And coming up next is the erotic drama for the evening. and she was asleep And I was looking at this television going on go some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out of the room. I just left the room lo out of bed. And you were how old? sixteen? I was No I was about seventeen, eighteen. Okay. I was I was staying there for a week. I was working in she lived in Croyden and I was working there for a week so stay for my nen I was just having a lovely evening with her And then she nodded off while we're watching the television and then all the rules changed. Wow. I've got to get out of it. I've got to leave this situation as quickly as possible Well you remote well She had the remote, which was the problem. wasas it like when the jailers asleep on the key? It was a bit like because I've got to make my li up the. You know, to get he just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out of the window of a moving train as well. So you're vote into the fight or flightight Yeah just ye Yeah, absolutely out J justust go. Fucking just if I had an ejector seat In social situations I would just press that button sometimes. Yeah. That's not I can't cope with this. I actually I'm actually quite impressed by so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pull down like that. Oh yeah. And he'd missed his station or something. He was going the wrong way. It was a far train The train was still adjacent to the platform pretty? No It was going past the platform that I needed to get off at And I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations I was like I'm going all the way. I'm not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chuck my bag up and rolled out the train. onto the platform. Yeah, must how farast was does the train go? It been going about forty miles an hour. We don't encourage that' absolutely nuts now Like I really did like graze all my back and stuff Yeah So I rolled out. Do you feel a bit short changeed Jordan? because he did that and didn't hurt himself at always? you justt have to put your bike back. He didn't seem to deaf as m. Y was I quite like your story. So wass lesson there as well. in your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely bled your mom a bit. feel like she had to put my bike in but wasn't h it was it? unless it was because I'll be like, well, lesson learned fucking put me my bike back or. You like a really loud bell. I your jogs went danging, right? I honestly don't know. I just remember it popping like being on airplane I thinkinking. That's weird becausecause the altitude can't change in a shpe. I think they should make a film me it And we could call it Deaath became her. That's very good actually. Yeah. Def work on many levels. Yeah What are we doing? what are we doing? Let us know when we start recording. We've got a fact tide as well. We should maybe say welcome. What show is this? This is your show This is our show. right ' this is bizarre this situation. 'cause I've started listening. so you know Chris Starker do the radio wave? No. You said to me, Damon. sayllo, apparently you worked together on some games console thing. He was like He was like, oh, it's really good there podcast of what you went And Israi went of all the podcasts out of the moment. I don't give it Trap about any book theres went you Chrisyoy, Yeah, yeah, ye Yeah big. Tember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on. I could remember something. You did some you think it might have been soony and you met. You would have been on radio one. You developed PlayStation six that. You would have been on radio one name Chris Stark Crouchy does the Crouchy podcast. Right. didid that really like viral interview with M Loonus years ago that changed how junkets are done now. It was on radio one for years. It's like it's pretty you know, it's how long did I spend with this guy? Irobably a full day filming. Right But he said yeah Anyway, he I don't remember him, but he sounds like a great guy. Oh He's a good guy. Yeah ises. And what was he saying just said that sayay hello. Say hello and I really like the podcast and that's why it's a bit mad that this work because obiously He's unsubscribed now. No, just at the time I said who? Okay And audio always may help my sex on my bs andj your podcast as well Yeah, yeah Sos and I've been saying, can we do a collab? because we often do collabs through have other podcast. Right. Is this your first one? Yeah, we can tell. Well, this is it,? don't. We don't do guests do we? No, we don't, but every now and then we don't do guests, but every now and then we collab with people that have a podcast. it's good to maybe n out some of our listeners might start listening to you that's awesome you're listening. Yeah yeah, we should benefit more. than you guys. we know why we're here. So Cack it's a bit lopsided, I'll be honest with you of the benefits, but we appreciate it. much. also I mean the reason we appear confuse is that we are still not really un f O f with our forma, are we? No, we don't know what this podcast is O podcast supposed to be about fact. Yeah We sometimes. We sometimes do him, sometimes James get and because you know you're not allowed to U just go oh I wouldd said to you, I wish do a podcast together. Yeah. I'm sure someone would make it. It'd be fine. Yeah. It's a no brainer. You have to have a format. And I was like, no brainer is how they describeed it. Yeah. There there's no brain involved at all in making this problem. The brain gets in the away really, I think You have to have a format, don't you? Yeah we touched hands. to have a format. You can't just say, Ohll me and Joe just make each other laugh for an hour There's gott to be much just sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea And I went, Well, all right, we'll tell it too much A format. Well we haven't heard. Okay. We haven't we haven't spent any time on the format And we've done We've got facts our favorite Yeah, we've got our favorite working too hard. Well, that's the difference really between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose I have started reading How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week just out of interest Well, I l at you line. No, I listen. I do listen back too do you listen back. I listen I listen back. That' stop. I told you not to listen to it He skips through your or bit. s because you stop panicking I listen back on I go Oh T. Didt make it sound like Some t shirts are better than other t shirts. Yeah. And I go to Hannah and All those people that like those t shirts and they're going to come after me. And I go to Hannah and she's likeop listening to just your mental and stop talking to me and ' talking to somebody's good It's not talking to me. I think it's likes not talking to me if it's this sort of shit thing. The time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team in WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which was this week. M Jen. That's when you should start to worry. My issue is if it's usually fine on a podcast when they clip it up and put it on social media because people don't get the context, it's like second clip it I would say don't click that up and it's fine to keep in the episode Yeah. So they've clicked up a bit this week of me saying Danny Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic and a genuine chat in our group was get will we get sued by the makers of them? We won't I get sued. gotot any facts? My fact that I Ied to tell people, but forgive me if you've known it, but it always blows people like, Do you know why soap operas are called soap operas? I do actually that I don't know why And there might be listeners listening There might be listeners think that don't know. A degree in media studies gets you. Can I take a guess? Go on. this is probably wrong is it an acronym No. No. Okaykay, that's all I. It's because when they started the fifties in American television. Yeah. They're run in the daytime lot of housewives watched them and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders. Oh So they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soapopress. Soap press. So that's why I tell people that's amazing. It's usually Northern women of a certain age that found that fascinating. Isn't there another thing about What is it called? Is it kitchen sink drama or something like that? Yeah, it wass very in the eighties, Like Rita S and Bob too and that? Is that the sort of thing? I think kitchen sink drama was meant to be like Dama was seen as very sort of high fall loouting and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers pinter. Yeah. And it was more like actually life's about, you know being in a crummy boarding house and like there're not been any milk and like there's a draft and that sort of thing. And like that I think that's kitchen sink. I feel like Kitchen snink is a bit Is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something' a bit kchen sink, you're like you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem H Hot Eedgedon Another one. don't call me on this because I didn't have time to Google. That's fine. You know why? we go on a chat show or Radio shut to plug something. Yeah plug the phes to plugs Yeah Yeah not because you know the old I might have to check this. But you know the are We never check anything. Pirate radio stations. They're on ships And the owner of that Caroline was called Captain Plug or something. Right. And that was his surname and that's when because it was all BBC then so he could go on to promote stuff so he could plug it And I think he got money from it in some way. Whereas on the BBC you couldn't because you can't advertise on the BBC. Yeah. So I think it's called plugging. Yeah That's where I think it comes from I'd like to be a plugin. William? My fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floorways for a dinner off the flop Briant I don't know that. All I know is that my tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever Right because my dog will grab it then I suggest you don't do buffets Hi And if you do the phones, don't put like you know do. Why do have to touch the phes on little phone Lets say you don't any of the table legs because you wouldn't have chairs or anything because a buffet you wouldn't have. off course.. Okay. W would be I suspect, just the logic I mean impressed with that both many How many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast? We have first We Yeah.'s our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got I could see us because I like the I like the history of these You know, these sort of things that you do. Yeah. mayaybe they don't make sense now. comeome to the back man So what was the what what is it about the the legs of a Wellictor it's probably a rule that was created in the Victorian a because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish They They used to put skirts around pian grand pianos because they thought that piano legs were a bit erotic. A too sexy. Yeah. so they they would co. They are sexy I'm always googling piano legs. Yeah Yeah You must sneak off to the toilet. Oh' see when history comes, isn't it?? No Didust st of Stoneway? I was going to say Yamaha. Yamaha. Do you have an upright at home? I used to did you to have an upright? Yeah, used I had an old church piano. It was it was in my ph cost because I like music and stuff like I that instruments and things and I was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments and asked my parents for a piano and I didn't want a keyboard. I wanted a an actual stringed piano. So I could lose the pedals and stuff like that. Yeah and they managed to find one that a church was selling for two hundred quids But I had to go and get it with fug. my furg. and we turned up in a Hyux Toyota Hylux pickup truck. Oh yeah. The bloke went to us, Oh, have you got a piano truck And he went yeah, trucks outside And and he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so that you could wheel it to Oh thates. But we didn't have that We had to like move it ourselves. pain anything else Good present I than. My mum once got me a sweatshirt Yeah, and itsad that the tank, you know, that that big the theious rigid plastic Yeah flighties through shapes. And she was like, I did pay for it But they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well That seems very uncomfortable. I don' Well, I don't know want to do. I had like c it out burst, are't they? Yeah, I they always got t. Well, get income. Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it. Right which is what I did. So now was I've just got a sweatchched up with a massive hole in the back of the coror. Thanks, man Thanks. I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just well it honestly feels like like the last day of school for me. a video I've just gotten a bit too excited. This could be the last ever episode of your podcast. Be Jordan's been on it. And we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends. I've hosted TV shows and it's Theyen don't normally go past there as well. N never go past All the pilot. I was on Saturday night takeaway the year I was on they stopped doing it Right back. got I had before the in between I had a bit of a track record of that.. I was constantly doing pilots that never got made. Yeah. I I was in the last series of a TV show called Teachers on Channel four. which was genuinely a really, really successful TV show. H Yeah. I' wont on it once ser. and know like that's the end of that then. I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards W I had to present an award once and they were like, J just before this award is sponsored by a charity for people who have got cystic fibrosis. Right. And I went out You did a load of. No, no, so what I was going go out and say, look, this is a really great But Chity, like there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis and so that's a great thing. And that would have been fine. And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis And the bloke went, hereere are the nominees of best stand up And they re rad out the nominees and he went, and the winner is, and I went, Oh fuck. just very quickly. sorry. Cysive fibrosis is a really life changing condition, but there is a lot of hope We can do like genetic research into it and and the gu and they were just And then after that, they said, And the winner is. Right And he came up and was he was genuinely angry with me. he wouldn't sh takeake my hand. And was it? I can't remember but I remember his stick upon coming up was very much Fuck you now And then after that they didn't do the Brit comomedy awwards anymore. chhs true color. I stopped going to awards things. I stopped going as well. J You're not in vis I mean even when we were like even when ye like the Empire awwards. I stop going to LA. as well. I just stopped going. Back in the days when we were actually getting awards, I stopped going. I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago I was just like, this is a weird situation They' boring. This is's in a podcast, our chat No, we've not no. we're not going say you of those. We've got that to come. No not yet. There's about forty awards. We might present Yeah you'll get asked, trust me, you'll might present, but we're not going to Yeah, we're not going to be going out also can I say I also won't be asked to present. Yes ' I fuck that up as well. They'd be lucky. They'd lucky to have us preson. We'd be lucky to have me. and us And I'm so sorryour. I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry. Cacked. Gag What year was that Yeah so I that as well. twenty Dean or something. It was but it was u I think I was responsible for like That was the death knell for it. It was already getting a bit of shit and then they were like, well, not after this. This is this is embarrassing and So I yeah, I think I can actually Pos it causality there. It wasn't a coincidence. it was like not now I don't know if we should invite you ont to sexted now, has? Well, no, because I've It's a genuine, Yeahah, no it's It's a concern.. you and Jordan Okayve cord. Yeah. ye yeah, it could be calamity twink.. You do You do live stuff a lot, right? You on the radio. That's live and everything. Yeah, everything more Yeah, it's terrifying. There's a slight delay, but there is. Do you ever dump button? Yeah, just for callers, just in case. Yeah. But just ' you never, ever know what they're gonna say Now would you like to come to our studio, which is literally just opposite Yeah and come on to help us ex with my bos? Really yeah. We would be honest.. we get a lot of like dilemmas and fily emails and stuff, so we think you'd be good at that Yeah. you you still want us to come on? then we'd be honored I don't know whether of necessary Just to let you know our most famous dilemma is a girl was house sitting. for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed started using it was giving her the best pleasure of her life allk. And then she found out it was clone to her dad's penis It was what is called a clon of Willie, which is a thing. And she found out the best Orgasm was was from her. So there you go. That's the sort of thing I get. So sneez it. So salacious. Jo. Why is she so that's I mean why are' using some other extra Yeahah, in a way I Yeahah, there's loads of questions. Its Trojen. Thank goodness. Well I will that I'm sorry I'm sorry I was saying well, after the break, we can have more of that. There you go. strructgred Welcome back. Now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up to experience Help I sex and my boss with questions and dilemmas from our G and Dvers. And we've moved studio, haven't we? We have, yes, you won't get that if you're listening, but if you're watching on any of the visual platforms, you will see that we we've gone from blue to red, much like the country. We would like to give you our signature drink.. We always start as with, I know you've got a botle of stellar with Jes aair beautifuly. Have you ever drink, Joe Well, I can have it yeah, I can have one. Okay. All right Okay. It's called It's not very alcoholic. What is Dubonet? It's Gin and Dubonet. It's often known as the Queen mother. It's theeen's mother's favorite drink. Oh yeah.. But Dubonet is like it's a fortified wine in it? Yes, It's like just because you fingered that ice cube, dropped it back in and realized you should' have used tongue if you've already touched it well That's right. I love that one thenough. Yeah, it's touched both. Indeed, yeah Dubai is it's like a port. It's a fortified red wine. But it's lighter than port. It's not as heavy.. It's a secret recipe We don't know. J face. and's it is a It's It's a hearty drink. Yeah, no impest.eet. Is it as sweet as It can be. Yeah a sort of sherryy sort of. Yeah, it's a sherryish vi but it gets like a giddy girly drink You guys fine That's good because we've got an episode of our podcast shoot straight after this. So yeah Yeah. that'll be fine. That''s going to be great. If you Normally you have it with siceed lemon or orange. Yes. That's not been provided it doesn't matter it's fine I gott imagine it. Iree pour it in as well It's normally two parts to bronet one part gin. I do two in two should Yeah. I think I have a feeling the quQeen mum, you know, she have she one she was doing a two and two, wasn't she? I mean? Yes, Yeah. That should have' seen them. O see, thanks so much for doing this because like I said, I was B big fan of in betweeners. Yeah yeah, all right ye Yeah, that's nice That set the stuff. Yeah, it's like G's good. It's a good garden drink That's lovely. There we go.. Oh I'm very glad you like it. Cheers f che is Yes. Oh go. Oh second I't crink Is that right? He might get away with that. to make sure that we're all trustworthy and that we're not. Well, it was, yes. well done. Yes. But we are Ces. Cheersice actually che won' just' We do a contract. No, it's in my contract. They have to pay me extra if I think. That's really nice Please check this and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate Why do they hate it? Because nobody likes change and we decided we needed a new Well, you have to get amused to change. I you know, world's going to change. People Eactly. Yeah. Yeahah. These are all our favorite things here. That's my dead dog friend. Yeah, that's burny there Yeah off his a. Yeah. I feel like, you know when your mate comes to you want to be mates with someone at school and you're ving around to your house and you're showing your bedroom that. Yeah. It's a fish tank. I used to make a joke. like when I was like sort of nineteen, twenty or something like that, like way too old. I to go like if I go around my m' to go, right, whereere's your toys Where's all this stuff? Where's all the stuff? That's sweet. J just you put a little j. That's what, it's so showing around. I would have friends around to my bedroom and show them something I liked as well I bet you didn't the ask was m was one of the toys that you were telling me about earlier. I that girl that fell in love with her. Got one of them clone. This should be one we actually I did Where is it it's outside ofsorting the way in Yeah.'s in the way in. So you can tell that alm' wrong 'causeuse we actually got loads sent in. Do you want to clone your penis? Penis Yeah Well currently it's we've had a few listeners used because basasically they sent them in after that. Right went viral. Apparently a lot of listeners said it's quite hard to stay erect for that that long, you got toa keep it in. We could probably just use one kit between us as well. Yeah yeah, which be. Yeah I'll do the bottom half and you do the end. ye. But the reason we're doing is that's confusing because it's sorry, J know. I just I That guy must have a great penis. That's all I'm thinking I mean, what I dad. I don't I don't know trying to get the address. I don't know whather han. Lillily M have. Ier very much doubt it would be a clone of My pick because have it like level up for God sake, Do you know what I mean?? Whosoosing all of that? That's mental. That's a glare in the dark one, as well. That's ridiculous. Dark one. This is ridiculous. This stuff is just put out to make your own bad. L look at the is ludicrous. I feel terrible now Sorry, Claire. That's my wife I won't need all of that. That must honestly. We could make too Absolutely. They also do As we discovered, they do clone a pussy Right That seems invasive. Well, it's a different technique, I'm told. How did they do that?, I don't know cute I' not to that. I don't know. Not much need Hey, we'll leave that one. Yeah, We'll leave it with you. when we see you in a few weeks in the studio and when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on. Should we go ont to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whil you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit. No. So we're reading for the first time. Yeah, reacting. Well I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction. Exactly Our first glor is from Chloe Hi boys. I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work coffee in hand when I pass a group of here ten lads huddled together looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hs and quite frankly I wasn't being paid enough for AO to investigate. Fast forward later that day, when the gossip mill starts turning, turns out one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school notot ideal But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full on penis and balls into the back of his head As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made forty pounds from the ordeal because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it. actually proud brilliant. forty pounds. is out a this entrepreneurial spirit that I don't always says about me, but'm I'll do that now. how all sugar startarter? This is this onet happened in any other country apart from Brnd I love it. Yeah, I mean, What wass the dilemma Well Chloe continues. I found this significantly funnier than other members of StA seem to. While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a beenish shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway Carry M Wow. disiscuss Well Okay. I'm biased. I always fall on the side of comedy. Yeah. I always think if something's funny then it's worth doing. It was very much our hos when we were doing the in betweeners. I was thinking I'm pretty sure money changed hands on the inbweeners for for weird stuff happening. I'm not talking about what we got tose We're not allowed to No, not. there were some No, I think It was good times and I don't know know to talk about it. I think I think one it's fun genuine laugh and ever wanted to do it. it's fine. I think it's great that it's year tenens. That's a great age. four fourteen, fifteen. It's a great year, isn't it? One of the boys thought I could make forty quider Be he' that to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that? I think his's genius, I think. I guess you could I mean, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning, you can get r of it quite quickly. Yeah I'd commit to it. I'll be honest. There should have been a contract saying and also you're not to shake this off You got You gottait this for a minute. othertherwise we're get our forty quid bound. Yeah Was it just in my school, but in the nineties two thousands, A lot of lads had night tick shaved into the mads W was that? Definitely not sur mis. Yeah ye Are you quite middle class? We had the Gucci logos that was quite there was quite a few lads in my school. ps. had ps with night tick on the sides. Y had the shapesone and blonde tips on the Yeah, we had I did have a quiff for a bit. I don't know have. I had a quiff, but my mate's older brother You know how the older brother's always the coolest the coolest me. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff and I was like Iagine that. All right, Johnnyravo I was a bit like that. But well, it was just the quiff. the rest of the hair see. Oh yeah, with a bll that. yeah. That was very much my brother at school. He was Northy, but I weren't allowed to be called Northy. and no one dared touch me because he was hard. He's a paratrooperou was Northy and I was proper soft. And then when he left in year eleven, I got battered for about six months being a gubs shot So, that's very much. Can he drop in? Can he just He still does now Every now and jump out the plane. Yeah.. Okay, so I think yeah, I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So within your working hours, I would say you have to tow the party line.. I mean, I don't My favorite teachers were the ones that seemed human. S. My favorite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of I genuinely actually wanted to sort of work for and cared about Um Because sort of at the end of the day the students the way that they react and reflects on the old teacher there, doesn't it? I liked the teachers as you see. So the ones that seemed human that were sort of like No the ones that were like Don't do that I know it's funny. You know it's funny We can't do. I was all like, sorry, sir, sorry, Miss. like, you know So I think, u I think she's in the right place. I think she's the making of a great teacher, and one of the ones that will actually maybe laugh about it in the staff room But they outside. Wasn't she saying that the staff room were being a bit but I think she can. I mean, can this should the lab be going around the school with the cock and balls in the? I don't think he really can because I mean also I don't know where This is plausible, but would it encourage others You know what I mean? Because after a while, if like fifty percent of your boys have got cockon balls in there, then that is gonna to start affecting offstead or the thought that's not They they probably look for that sort of thing. You might go down from outstanding to good. You know what I mean? Yeah, is an outstanding school. It's good But the twenty percent of the boys have cockkingball shaped of their crresh hair. so ye ye So that will take you down, I think. I don't know what they look for an off there, but they they might I think it is now. they might look for that min Yeah they might look for that. I think James Hntsonough, Chloe, you should just carry on being that cool teacher. Be a bit like, hey look. funny Yeah, I thought we could It's funny reach kids better. I think you do if you sort of I ag. Be relatable. I think be relatable, but I also think I don't think he can be going around school with I just it does It's a big distraction. I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to he would really get off on telling kids off. Yeah. But he would do things like kids are myow sentence. No takeake that however you want. But o you can you know you get kids are going to be kids, right? They're going to muck about when they're at school If you catch them, fair gang You know, if they're doing something bit naught in front of you, go come on. out, detention, whatever. He used to you used to be able to see him like pop his head round corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out like out the ordinary or whatever. there was I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school that he want he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises at break time and he hid under a lorry and got stuck and the kids ran away Under a lorry? Yeah, he crawled under a lorry to try and I mean catch these kids out I don't know if that's true. I mean, but it made you're not the type of person that you was. We used to get told off our school for things that I don't really even think particularly bad, like there was a We were told not to walk around town. Their phrase were swinging a can. which is a can of coope Right. I don't walk around townswere in a can And also, don't stand outside the school talking to the girls You're like, don't talk to the girls. You're like, well was a boy school. I was a boy school, wasn't that? Wasn't a problem for me. But it wasn't a problem for either because I was terrified of joining g guysl. but I kind of thought this is I feel like now wouldn't nowadays that's exactly kind of thing we're trying to light You know, encourage. L actually get boys and girls to talk to each other rather than the boys just looking at pornography, L But not in our case, not allow to talk to the girl. The attitudes have changed I would have thought that now that they'd be more in favor of that, but we weren't No, I't. All right, let's do an av one. what have we got? This is from Caitlyin Hello William Jordan. I'm a long time listener but first time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding house guuests, a phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with but I'm hoping he canvise nonetheless as rude You don't like William doesn't like people staying no. No I do I don't like stay over. I didn't have a g ss a, but You don't like saying other people's hand. Fair enough. Ever since I was a kid, I was like in bed. I like to sleep out there and it's comfy and Look where I'm at. Kaitlin continues. I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up, the home of the world famous bllack pudding. I'm sure Jordan knows where it is Bury. Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house. Now this doesn't pose an issue as we have two spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom. Exec. In Burry, someone's doing well. My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house Now I love a bath especially when it includes some lady petrol. and is where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me, however two separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they are staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host, I have always agreed, however I then find myself unable to move past the image of them stewing in my happy place in all their glory There is something about the image that burns in my brain and I find myself ha to scrub the bath with bleach and disinfect it several times before I can bathe again. So my dilemma is this, is it bad etiquette to request that guests don't use the bath wh while staying? Or do I need to get over it and continue my bleaching routine? Thank you, Kaitlyn for me. You absolutely need to get over it, you weirdo. Is it bad yeah I've used's a bath. It's a bath. ye bath I mean, I've heard somebody say like I can't stay in hotels because I think this is was what was going to say It's a bit of a rabbit hole All all the people who have search in that bed and you're like, well ye I've been there in hotels and stuff and I go Imagine 's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it. But they wash it and it'sort think I know, so you have to you have to let it go. othertherwise you will drive yourself insane. Yeah Yeah So it's and they the same to this late. They hoover those beds often they've got So that my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner than. I in a posh one and they proper after clean them Some are a bit mocky. is the bath in the guest bed? in the guest bathroom that they can use. So she's got a bath in the guest bathroom. And she doesn't wantess see doesn't guess to use the bath. I don't. And she has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with. Oh N be horrible. No, Not being horrible, I No I said direct I think it's almost like yeah, once you start thinking about it, maybe is a bit weird that other people are your path. but it's like hide the bg. Someone use in my bath. I would't m it at all. Yeah, Kallyn, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out. If you want to go bit nuclear with it, though, Caitlin. I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things, just ask them not to use the. Just subtly let them know that they're in inconvenience. And then you don't get any people I was sting it y Just little things like just just like o if they want a cup of tea or so something just Just do that before. just little things. M boil the cessle off. Make them it's still not wanted. Don't vocalize anything. Don't ever say I don't want you staying here. I don't want you using my bath Just make them feel that they're not maybe they I put the hot water on.' absolutely. It's fine. They ask for a comfortity and you sign to go. Anthing else Yes. Yeah think those things. Yeah that' making for little pube on the sl. Give them giveive them the cold shoulder. Yeah, that's a Pilkinson fact Oh yeah, see, if a guest wasn't Welllded him more. Yeah. they'd be given the cold shoulder of meat D's definitely not just not you see scrabbling around nothing there. But yeah, I mean pub in the b. You mention pubes, pube in the bath. that do it I imagine. They won't want a bath again? No. They've never batathed in any bath. Bys you're good at this. Good at this advice. This is a little for one more. We do have type for one more. This is from anonymous list. Oh right. Hello boys, I work for the ambulance service and as you can imagine, we interact with aide viety of ototot vibrant characters. Among them we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call nine hundred and ninety nine multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars has earned itself the permanent nickname Spider Man. Spider Man will call nine hundred nine for a completely fake medical emergency In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat buzzer and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly tie masturbate to completion. The exact second you walk in, he launches his manjuuse straight at you, like Spideran casting a web Generally disgusting as it is, from a purely logistical standpoint, you almost have to respect the Olympic level timing he has Because of this, his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system. So my question for you boys is, what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding Spy deemand Soopy splurge when entering a patient's property? Many thanks, Anonymous Right, Well, first of all, you've got a duty, haven't y you I on it Even if they've got even if they're flagged The annoying thing is that you got to keep turning and going. Theyre know I'm justmaz I'm amazed by What No, I was just trying to think When I was ever No will I ever end up like that? When I was a younger man And I never I think when I never did I never did this myself. you know, in back in the day where you used to have one television. Yeah. Yeah. it was before Wiifi and laptops Yeah, your phone. I think I can see where saucy things were not so accessible There was a thing called a danger wink. Yep. ye Yeah, I've heard of this. I've heard of it. So you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room and then You'd shout, M And you'd have them coming downstairs to finish off what you would do. You know They're worried thatad days that children get bored and they don they're not creative anymore. And this is a good example. We just come with all sorts of fun stuff. I've never did this were so many channels. It was called a danger an. There was so many. There was a danger wk, there was a push wank P the g. The one famously from me in between is where J S and he said, Aller lads did die at our school. Did they? What was that? What's this? Where you dead? You were? you sat on your hand to' numb. Oh dead hands. Yeah, so it felt like someone else. Right, whichich is the best sc ever because you got a snke on. You've never seen. It's the funniest but All the lads at my school got told that Yeah and you arounded until they went dead for like half an hour. think now hand They're banning social media for the under sixteenens It's going to increase the rise of danger winks. because they've got to. I mean, I've got under sixens I've got two under sixteenens in my house and I like You know, there wasn't There wasn't internet and stuff. And I still managed to went quite a lot when I was a teenager Ive still got it done. I still got it over the live. I'm not sure it's gonna to make a big difference to be honest I' see youngng young men didn't need any extra help. I think that was they're already doing well. What you say encouraged creativity. It. And your mate would say to your bank bank Absolutely. Yes. Oh, the wank bank. Soee if you're so much fit or attractive if you might to go putull that up for the wank bank? Yeah Right. before internet. But look, a differentnce to anonymous Like the booy said, you've got to do you wanked offf the rugby team off You've got to do at a u A duty G more than that Ive got a duty you know In public school it's just normal to get one of the other boys that ites here that right what were you sayum? So yeah I think you've got a duty. you're handled it in well. Nobody has to putle with that because that is maybe I don't we juggles or I just shout, I just say, look, just Can you just finish then I'll come in, L just he knows Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person? You have to. You have to because one day hope it's not prioritized. No it won't be. I'm a bit sort of It's the boy Cried Wolf it's almost what I mean. I'm a bit of a no nonsense guy And I would be like There was a genuine problem and he called nine n ninetine nine They were tough. They were a bit lax turning up. I would be a bit like