Dating and Relationship Dilemmas

Your dilemma divas will be here in just a moment. Before we catch up with William and Jordan, have you watched the show on YouTube yet? Their recent episode is a particularly good one to watch to see Jordan's genuine reaction to William 's huge news. Search for help by sexted my boss on YouTube and hit subscribe so you get notified every time a new episode is released. This is James with Foo App from Shits and Gigs and we're currently sponsored by Tui . Holidays. We all love going on one. But a holiday that doesn't go to plan, that's something everyone's wanted to avoid. So what you need to remember is firstly speak with the Tui Travel Advisor to find your next holiday as they have holidays to suit every couple or group of friends out there. Facts. 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Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise . Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if your loud snoring is making your partner dream about being attacked by dinosaurs? How do you come to terms with knowing you haven't got the legs to pull off wearing speedoes? Hmm. You could do it. Thank you. I am actually I have bought for my upcoming holiday, not speedoes. I've bought some quite short um swimming trunks. Oh yeah, call sludge. And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your bus, but No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Chatsworth House. You're more Chatsaload of shit. And that's from Benjamin. That hurt but was also very funny, Benjamin. You'd love Chatsworth House. It's lovely. Where is it? Which one's that don't know if that's a Derbyshire or something? Is that Lady Chatler's lover? Is that what that one is? No, it's oh I'm gonna forget which Duke and Duchess it's the ancestral home of, but it's uh it's very good. It's worth it's a nice day out. You'll know the one if you you'd know it by looking at it. Is it one of them where being a bit tight? Do you want a bit more gin? Yeah, good. Okay. It's been a tough way . Um is it one of them where you can actually go in and have a look round just a few rooms. The big um because it the ones the the annoys where they go, there's like a few rooms open, and then you go and look at gardens. Who wants to look at gardens? And they're little pine cones on the chairs telling you not to sit on them. Otherwise always makes a bit of and the gardens are fine, but I'd rather have a look in the house. I like seeing old furniture. It's nice to do both. Oh I think a garden can be the Chatsworth gardens are lovely. Do you ever do Chelsea Flower Show? Funnily enough, I was going to be doing it this year but, for various reasons I can't do it now. Have you ever been before? No. I f see I I'd think Chelsea Flower Show and I'd think you. Surrounded by Panzers. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been. No. What is it just a show about flowers? It is. It in in Chelsea. Is it still on BBC? Do they still show? They do, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Monty Don . And probably Monty Dong, my gardener, will be there. What's your favourite flower? Um well but I feel everybody likes peonies and it is peon E season now. PE, they're a football team. No, no. PE, Preston North End. No, and definitely not P . P and E, Pony, P . Is it not that? No, it's a lovely delicate flower. Um Can I see a picture of a peony? Can I see a peanut? Do you want to see my peony? Yeah, I'd see your peony. Peonies. Oh, so I can't see. Oh they're pink roses, aren't they? They're not pink roses, they're peoners. Oh, they're nice. I like lilies. Funeral flower. No, they're not. Or daffodils. Now I've said it before on it when I used to write for the Daily Mail. Daffodils in flower beds, upmarket. Daffodils in pots, common. Yeah. What other flowers do you think is common? Oh, I mean, how long did you have Gladioli are pretty common, but Day Medna sort of made them acceptable in an ironic way. Do you like butter? Do you remember them ones? Buttercups. Yeah. It's a flowering weeds. And daffodils used to make your piss bed. No, dandelions . Okay . Do you remember that? Don't pick dandelions or maybe piss the bed. Uh what else is quite common? Um busy lizards, uh they're quite common. Gerber's can't stand gerbras. Oh no, they're always bloody getting some beds on holiday, aren't they? Germans. Oh right, sorry . Do my ed in as well. Anyway. What's your favourite flower? Uh other than a lily. Lily. Oh shh shh shish. I'm not, I'm not. Someone bought me flowers once. I was like I thought I bought you flowers. Oh was it yeah yeah ? It was I always send you flowers. I know Well Just send me some cake next time. Cake. No, I'm joking. Anyway, let's do a toast. Yes, uh this week's toast goes to Chris from his husband, Chris, who said I just want to request a shout out to my husband. It's really cheer him up as he's literally saved my life more than once. He's addicted to your podcast. His name is Chris Parvin Walsh. We double barreled when we got married. So we're both Christopher Parvin Walsh. Well I know the gays are known as you know , a little bit uh narcissistic, but that's taking it to a whole new level. No, I just kid could you go would you have married if Mikey was called William, would you have married him? Well yeah, 'cause he would be William Warrell and I'd be William Hanson. Yeah, no, but they've double bound. Could you go out with someone with the same name? Yeah, I probably could. Do you know what I've only just realised blows my mind? Yeah. You know, Ben and Kat this morning. Yes. Ben and Kat. I mean we realised that a while ago, but you can't remember you and Kat are Ben and Cat from this morning and also your bed and cat from Sexted . Yeah. Which one's more more iconic? Please don't associate me with ITV daytime, daughter . Well let's toast Chris Parvin Walsh. He was a parvin, he was a Walsh, suddenly the hyphenatious. His name Chris Chris Parvin Walsh. He had my name too. And whenever we go out, the people we shout, there goes Chris Parvin That was actually very melodic. Do you remember John Jacob Jingelheimer Schmidt? I only remember a tribute. My name too. Is it off recess? And whenever we go out, the people always shout. There goes John Jacob Bottoms up. Um thank you very much. Now very excitingly, Jordan, this coming Friday we, are going to be doing and, it's going to be a real head twist for me, we're going to be doing the long awaited collaboration episode with the Luxury Podcast. Yes. Which is my other podcast. With uh Jonathan Vernon Smith, who's uh our mutual friend. William introduced me to Jonathan Vernon Smith a few years ago. I absolutely love the guy. I think he's so funny. Well, it's going to be very odd having both of my podcast husbands in the same room together. I you know, it's weird that you've got another podcast, very similar to this one, with another radio host. With the letter J. Yeah. Yeah. What's going on there? I don't know. I'm sure maybe I should talk about that with my therapist. How did that come about? Well I've known John I I've kno actually think I I met Jonathan the same year I met you, which also makes it weird. That probably makes sense, didn't it well yeah we met 2011? Yeah eleven. Well yeah, eleven and then again in twelve. Or was it 10 and then in twelve? No, it'd be two thousand three. Jesus Christ. 'Cause to book me and then everyone used to sort of say that I was basically mini him. And so eventually on Twitter, back in the day when Twitter was a nice place and uh uh you you were able to you know DM and go, should we go out for a cup of coffee? And we just became very good friends. Did he take you out in sew on get you pissed? Not that on that occasion, but yes he has previously uh sorry, that makes me sound a bit dodgy. No, no, no. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Um it was back in the day before he had dogs and he could uh he could just sort of do the show and then come into Soho. And people thought he'd date rape me. He hadn't. It's just I had not had any food that day, had half a gin and tomic. Well that took a turn. And uh and yeah. You were paralytic. I was paralytic. You had to order me a bread basket and I had to demolish the whole thing. So I'm getting drunk in Soho, it's it's completely behind. So we're gonna do that on Friday, you're gonna hear what happened. Yes, indeed. That'll be a a lovely uh a lovely episode. That'll be that'll be fun. Do you I wanna I used to do an impression of him, but yours is better. Go on, do you improve this is what you can expect about Jonathan always the the thing is that we say on the luxury podcast is when we when Jonathan and I will go out for dinner, he'll look at you know, a menu and I know what he's this is why Jonathan and I uh in many ways we're very similar, you and I are very similar, but uh we'll talk about this more on Frida y. But Jonathan will read it, spend ten minutes reading the menu, often with his glasses on the end of the nose, with his torch out, because of you know it's a bit older than me. So yeah. And and then just go, I think I have the burger. Which is all and it's I just just order the burger. Don't bother reading the menu, just have the burger. He loves the burger. He can tell a tale. You know one of those mates that can tell a tale. A radio presenter with the letter J who can tell a tale and it's quite funny. I have very diverse friends. It's also very private as well. Yeah. It's a bit weird, isn't it? I know. Yes. Sorry guys. Hello. Oh hello Ben. William, you had a nice sentence to describe the difference between the two podcasts, didn't you? Yes. Uh so sex it is chalk and cheese, whereas luxury is cheese and wine . Which makes me the cheese. Okay. And what sort of cheese I don't know how to take that, but all right, what sort of cheese? Well chalking cheese, because we're, you know, on the surface we're different, aren't we? Yeah. We started off. Started off different. We are different. Become quite simple. We're very different. Yeah. We spend like the thing we are the people say we joke and say oh you're the posh run now we are so different how we spend our weekends yeah how we like dress how we talk yeah what we're into you know, it's all very different. But anyway, yeah, what sort of cheese would you be if it was? Um Rubleschon. It's my favourite type of cheese. And Luxury Up Market one with a slightly difficult name that keeps the riffraff away. See, my favourite cheese is Dairy Lee. I'm not sure. Oh no, it's not anymore. Show them that's our that cheese I brought in. Dairy Lee cheese slices is j honestly my favourite cheese. To be fair. We've had Micah's niece and nephew staying with us recently and we had to buy on lots of little baby bells for them 'cause they like a baby bell. There are some left over. I think I like a baby bell. But the the the lighter blue ones are less calories and they're good. They do like blue what what? Fewer calories, but what? Yes, they do the light blue ones, they're just as good. And they're few their sort of diet. For your eleven seas that way a bit of ham and some crackers before you tea. Well I think cheese and ham, any type of cheese and ham, preferably we did this with our lunchables Posh versus Command thing. You know, I did them all at market, cheese and ham, you did ultra processed . Didn't you? Yeah, yeah. Again, I'm not changed. That's my favourite. Okay. Well that's that's we're looking forward to that with with um Jonathan. Yes. We are. What's going on with you? Oh you know, it it it's been uh it's been a an another mad busy week. I know I keep talking about it, but this jet washing thing now is it's turning into a bit of an obsession. And 'cause you messaged me over the weekend asking about um wet and forget and if you needed a sprayer. Yeah. So I sent you the link. I I did wonder whether when you sent me that message, were you then expecting me to order the sprayer for you and it to turn up? No, I. I didn't just sent you the link. You sent me the link to wet and forget. No, I sent you the link to the sprayer . Oh, so what have I ordered? Well I don't know. I sent you the link to the sprayer. Oh It's just a s empty spray bottle and you mix up your solution and put it in. Oh, well I just ordered the wet and forget, but then it turns out you don't if you got a jet wash you don't need that. Mm. So No, jet wash takes off the surface layer and then wet and forget goes in. Oh, should I put that down after? Yes. Jet wash first.. Bollocks No, you don't need to do it immediately after. If you've jet washed, that's fine, just do it this weekend. Yeah, but then it's a week for all the dirt to get on it. I think in a week it's gonna be okay. Look at that. Absolutely gleaming. Look at those flags. Lovely. Put your West and forget. I was out there. Look, I did alt walls. Put a picture up for you . Look, look how nice gardener come as well. Oh you found one? Yeah. Come on. What's your gardener calls? Uh off Tash Rabbit. What was his name? Tom. Tom. Really nice guy. He was three hours late. What? Yes. I would absolutely have sacked it. Yeah, I I was close to being but he was he he was Did he even say sorry? As soon as he was I am so sorry. Had he communicated he was sorry. My last job was and then he stayed till um he he stayed till about six seven o'clock. No, and did the but he did a really good job. Okay, good cracking job. Do your west and forget this weekend. I will do. It'll see you through and then you do it again instead of September, October. That'll see it through the winter. Okay, I will I will do it 'cause it's I really, really want to start full time jet washing. Okay. It's my new thing. It's it's very therapeutic. It's so good. But this is probably why you like cleaning in general. Writing my name in thingies and everything. I was blasting it. And then I did all topic drain. But what you can't do with a jet washer ain't worth knowing. I've ordered some new stones as well to put into stones. Pebbles and all those little things. Oh I And to be fair to a jet wash. It makes a fantastic douche . I would not recommend that. You'll never need to do it again. No, I probably don't shove a jet wash up your ass. No, we're not recommending it was a joke. I know we keep talking about it, but I um from now on when I'm when I'm stressed, I'm just gonna go out and jet wash. I think probably jet washers, professional jet washers get in touch, you can probably over jet wash the same area. Do you want me to come round to your house and jet wash? No, because I've done western forget. Yeah, but I once I've jet washed for you. And my friend Monkle did it for us anyway. Last year, before you went to jet washing. He was his housewarming gift to us. How could you what he came round geeking? We said for Ellie and his houseworking gift he will come and jet wash us. That's so I think it's a lovely idea. To know my friends I was remember at a wedding, my mate got married and one of the guests said, Look, we're a bit skint at the moment. Um paint and decorate, I think I told you this, but I'll I'll I'll do your living room. And he did it Donate your time. Did it? I thought that was so sweet that they did that. Totally. That's very I do not. Ben, do you want me to come around and jet wash? I told you I've already jet washed. That's why we set up BJ services. Alright . Is he do you want me to come around and jet one? Yeah? Just get me a couple of cans in and we'll do jet I want us to get some beers in and take our tops off and jet wash. I don't know why I mentioned the last one. Hello, Freud . Who's Freud? Don't worry. Look him up. Who's Freud? Well he's on alive now. I've been jet wash him. Um also I'm quite worried. I want to get your opinion on this. It's been in the news a lot over the past few weeks. I've been seeing a lot of videos. They might be banning the the the famous airport pint . Well, good good . I can see both sides. Any time or in the morning. In the morning. So Yamano Leary from Ryanair has said that they need to ban airport pints , especially in the mornings, because it's the only place in because airports have different licensing rules. So it's the only place in the country where you can like get a pint at six in the morning, okay, which is great. But some knobheads are ruin it for the rest of them. Apparently, he's saying now like one flight a week's being diverted, a Ryanair flight. Which and have you seen some of these horror stories and like but they ruin it for everyone else because now better than getting to an airport and having a pint. Can I just ask, is this news story any coincidence that a couple of weeks ago your brothers were out in Benedict? No. Has that planted the seed in Michael Elia's head? They're they're well Were they patient zero? They weren't patient zero. But they did fly right in air actually. Well, there we go. Can I say on that, I wouldn't worry because I'm fairly convinced we'll just absolutely fact check this. I'm because you remember years ago Michael O'Leary came out and said they were going to charge people to go to the Lua No, no, no, no. No, this absolutely sounds like one of those. He's genuinely like on a lot of uh uh steward uh what they call it, cabin crew. Yeah. Lot of cabin crew are saying it as well . You do see some of these videos of people on the way to Oh, it's awful. I don't mind the ones where everyone they've got a boom box or a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, uh Wenger, but you know the one's going to What? Have you not seen it? I would absolutely die. You'd be that one person, but it's like it's usually a flight to a bether. Yeah. And you've got like a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, uh Wenger, but and everyone's like oh that looks fun. No, you don't get that on British Airways. That you do. Not on the flights I've been on. I'm kind of like can see where it is, so I wanted your thoughts on it. Do you think they should ban Yep. Before twelve. What are you gonna do with your weather spoon's breakfast? Have a coffee, have a tea. Don't be bored nice glass of orange juice. So I'm gonna put out a warning, right? To all those knobs that get too drunk at airports, don't ruin it for the rest of us some of us like just one or two drinks before it's part of the fun, it's start your holiday. So don't go on and start scrapping. Behave yourself. I mean when you're kicking off on these flights, think of your mothers. What would your mother say? That's what I do. That's what keeps me in check. I'm not a religious man. I don't think what would God do? I'd think what would Wendy say about this? Right. You always think that, do you? Yeah. Okay. I would suggest him from Psycho, Arna . Norman Bates. Mother Sayles . I would like to say maybe you could bring in legislation that people are only allowed one beer before a flight, even from 6 a.m. But the trouble is people will abuse that and then how do you police it as well? And that's going to be complete waste of time. So I would just say you ban alcohol at airports before twelve o'clock. No, that ruins it for the rest of us. Well say what have a beer before you leave the house. No, because again, how airports have got enough to do without. You know, they've got all you know losing luggage and stuff to do. They don't want to be doing that. Don't ruin it for everyone else. Public would be allowed to serve till 2 a.m. Or don't have a drink before you get on the flight. You don't need that. Are you buzzing Foot World Cup? Jordan, I am absolutely beside myself with excitement. Still annoys me that last time England were in the final, you had people over for a dinner. Why didn't you cancel it? And didn't you have it on in the background or something? Yeah, Joe Luke came over. Yeah. And and Joe Joe surprises all by saying, I'd like to I'd like to watch the football. I'm sorry. So we did. We allowed him. Okay. We tried to be interested. Then we'll do a J B J's jet wash in 40. We'll we'll we'll jet wash and then we'll watch the footy together with our tops off. The whole time with our tops off. can't wait Okay. You can come and watch, Izzy. The football or the The jet washing. Like a daggate coke advert. I don't want you. Be okay. Ah just what the GD was love to see a jet wash video of bring your jet wash to my house and we'll f film it. Well hang on you've got a jet wash. Why does he have to bring a we can 't have a jet wash? I don't have one. He had to borrow his father in law's. Oh well I'll come round and do it then. Never mind your father in laws . You could buy me a jet wash. Have you seen that there is a new documentary coming to Netfli x about Kylie Minogue. I have seen this. You see, we've put her back in the Zeitgeist all of a sudden, and now she's cashing in. She got our commission. She's been very popular for four decades. Not arguing with that. I just don't think it's a coincidence that since we did our little Kylie montage on tour, now she's back with a documentary. Oh right. I just like some credit would be nice. Okay. We probably might be in the credits, in which case I'll let her off. Okay. It's out in a couple of weeks. Next I'm I speak to her later. Yeah. She's one of my favourite guests to interview. Hey, speaking of documentaries, have you watched that Should I Marry a Murderer on Netflix? No, because I'm already married, so I don't need to ask the question. Oh you'll like it, right? She meets this guy and then he confesses a murder. Is this true? Yeah, and he confesses a murder to her in Scotland. Oh it's good. He'll get he'll have you asking m many a question at the end. It's it's it's it's it's really good. Okay. Yeah. I highly recommend it. I did see it when it popped up on the TV and I went, Oh No no no, it's good. It's got murder in the title, I'm interested. But I will I thought it was a drama. And I watched that The Cage with uh Sheridan Smith. That's pretty good. Oh really? Is that on ITV? That's on iPlayer. Okay. And there was some else I finished recently. But that was really good. Would you marry a murderer ? We've all got our faults. And it depends. It depends . What and how Okay, would you let's let's let's work backwards. Would you marry an arsonist ? It depends again. Okay. If they burnt down uh like if if she said to me, Look, George, I feel like we're really going places here. I just want a confession to make it wow. Yeah, it's like when I were younger I really pissed off with my boss, so I burnt the factory down. No one died. I did a few years in prison. I'd be like, right, we all make stupid mistakes, but if you said I burnt down a school, I'd be like, that's a bit different. So it depends. So Would you marry a kleptomaniac? What do they do? A thief. Well a thief? Yeah . I don't know, because I don't like fever and I think it's one of the worst things you can do. I mean Arson's pretty bad. See, I could forgive a murderer but not a burglar. How what? I'm sorry, what maybe no message. What? Do you want to just retract that? Well I just think one of the scummiest things I know loads of people that would be burgled, I think one of the scummiest things you can do is go into someone's home and burglar. And the I mean murder's dead. Yeah, go into their home and you know shoot their dog. No steal and wreck it and stuff like that. Because you'll you know, once you've got in someone's home, it's hard to feel safe. No, I don't think I'd ever I don't know. We've all got past. I don't why are we getting into it? I probably wouldn't marry a murderer. Would you marry someone committed for manslaughter? Again, you it look, I'm a reasonable Yeah. Yeah. Ma what define manslaughter. Well manslaughter is where you kill someone but you didn't intend to. So like in an accident in a car. Like William who didn't aerate his tank, so murdered his golfing. Yes. Well that sort of manslaughter, I'd be like, that's fine. A murderer? Probably not. Okay. So probably the answer to should I marry murderer is no . Yeah. Yeah. Well good. We've all learned something on this podcast. Would yeah, probably Actually people, that break the law kind of a red flag in it. I think it's a red flag. Yeah. Would you marry a murderer? No. Would you marry an arsonist? No . Would you marry uh You'd be worried about the arsonists when they go, gosh, this relationship's really on fire. Would you marry someone that committed fraud? No. Would you not? No. Probably a bit of fraud. Which is obviously terrible. Well we'll be taking a close look at Jordan's tax return. Would you marry a tax dodger? No. Yeah, that winds me up as well. Some people don't pay the tax . Um in other news, I've been sitting on something for a while and I'd like to tell you. Oh wonder not physically. Not physically. Metaphorically. It's not normally how I do it. Usually it's like you've got to prove your ass, but now okay. Well Um So bit of news everyb ody. I uh starting on the ninth of June That is only a matter of weeks' time. Uh that's a m a Tuesday. It is a Tuesday. Well done you. Two days before the World Cup starts. Exactly. So there is the World Cup. This is my World Cup. It's been a bizarre turn of events. And everybody well, not everybody in this room knows, but a lot of people in this room know, other than you. I g oh 'Cause this was like when you got engaged. No. On the ninth of June I shall be joining the Western cast of Titanic . Actually? Yes. Are you really? Yeah. Oh that's grub, what are you doing? I'm gonna be Celine. No, I'm not. I'm uh Are you gonna be in Titanic? I'm gonna be in Titanic. Oh, I'll have to come and see ya. Would be nice, yes. Oh, give us a cuddle. Oh well done. Thank you, Jack. Are you actually what you're gonna be in it? I'm gonna be Ruth. Who's Ruth? Uh Kate Winslett's mother. Oh, so you've got a part ? Yes. It's a it's a non- singing role, everyone will be pleased to know. And is that every night? Eight shows a week. Oh my god. For six weeks only. You're gonna actually for the first time ever have a proper job . Um oh my are you gonna be alright? It's a lot it's a big commitment. Yeah. Do you know how many hours I did last week? Just anyway, that's amazing. Thank you. How long you doing it for? How long? Six weeks. Six weeks. So this is the part previously vacated by Tom Allen. Yeah. So obviously the Timu Tom Allen is going to be taking over for them. And I'm incredibly nervous. You'll be you'll be fine. I did not see it coming, if I'm honest. It was not something it just sort of happened and it's happened so quickly, but I'm so excited. I'm very grateful for whoever uh thought of me to do it. And um it's gonna be something different because it's, you know I',ve got to learn a script. I've got to learn a script. How how is it quite a big script? It's an ensemble piece. So I mean there are a lot we're all sort of on it for basically the same sort of time. Um 'cause you cause we were meant to go and see it together, but then you had to do something, I can't remember what it was. So we went with Izzy and Ben and Mikey. So you did have work commitments. So you can now come and see it starting on the ninth of June at the Criterion Theatre. That's amazing. I'll I'll let you settle in and then I'll come and see you when you're Yeah. I have said Mikey can come to Shaw One because he is my husband, but other than that, if everyone that knows me very well could just give it a couple of days. Yeah, let you settle in. I am so chuffy. Thank you, man. This is very well. You're gonna be a West End star. Thank you. Oh wow. It has just got four Tony nominations on Broadway. There are rumours of a Broadway transfer for me already. Is there actually? No, there aren't. I haven't even done it in the West End yet, for God's sake. So how many lines have you got? I don't know they haven't actually sent me the script. Is it quite a lot? It's it's a meaty part to get my teeth round . Are you playing a woman? Yes. How will you do it? Is it trying to do? I don't know. Oh, this is I'm so happy for you. I have to have a like a headband with a bird's nest on my head and wear a pearl necklace. You've got that in your cupboard. Got the dun underneath here. I'm so chuffed. Thank you very much. You've always wanted to be on since you were a little girl, you've always wanted to be on the West End. Haven't ya? Um Well, yes and no. It's just something This is so good for you. Thank you. Something I never thought would happen. Um and I was asked originally and I thought, oh God, do I want to do this? And then actually the more I thought about it, I went, Yeah, I would quite like to do this. You're big time now, son. Oh I'm gonna wait for six weeks. I'm gonna wait backstage when you come out the entrance and get your autograph. Oh bless you. Um yeah. No, that is separate backstage for me. Oh is that just to bypass you. Congratulations. Thank you. That's amazing. I was gonna ask you if having a butter dish was posh, but I think we're gonna save it for next episode I was gonna ask you about butter dishes but I want I want before we go to the break. William Hansen everybody blessed you our little West End star . West End girls. West End Wendy. Alexa, play West End Girls. West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys on Amazon Music. We're gonna have to pay for this. We'll pay it, it's worth every penny for you. It's got a long intro. Wait. Oh I'll just do on my phone for fuck's sake. If you want to buy your tickets, of course, you can just search Titanic London wherever you uh buy your tickets. Come and see me. Eastern boys and west end girls. Oh, you're an Eastern Boy. In a West End town in a dead end world Eastern boys and west end girls . West end girls, there we go . Thank you. Thank you. Seamless. That was a moment right there. Oh, bless you. You're a West End boy, West End girl. All right. Do you know what it is going to be lovely to do because every time we do a sexy tour, and obviously the more recent one was only four nights, I'm always like will you enjoy something. On about ten minutes now. I remember my first West End show. Bloody hell, come on, we've got to do Jolly Joke at Week and everything else. It's just nice to be able to do something repeatedly, which is nice 'cause like I always want to do more shows when we do the tour. So even when we did like, you know, four hundred and twelve dates back in the day. It's like, no, I'd like to just do another one. Whereas probably come the nineteenth of July when I finish, I'll be like, Oh thank God that's over. Yeah. For big holiday after Are you still gonna be able to do podcasts? Well yeah Yes. Yes . Yeah. Is it just a nighttime show? Uh two shows on a Saturday, two shows on a Sunday. Oh my Christ, big grafters, those West End girls, aren't they? They are. What about your weekends? Well bye bye. Oh no. Yeah. You'll be in our gym all the time now 'cause that's where all the West End girls go. Oh At least you're calling it our gym. You're gonna be go are you gonna be going out after the show. Why don't you said yes? My biggest worry is I'm chuffy. You're gonna love this. You're gonna get a taste. Mike and I are already talking about separate bedrooms just because I'll be coming back, you know, late. Or if if even if I finish the show and just come back immediately afterwards, you'll be sort of wired 'cause on adrenaline. And if he's already asleep, it might be better if I sleep in the spare room. Okay. How many shows is that? Eight times six, is it? I don't know. You do the maths. Forty eight. Forty eight shows. Oh wow, that's a lot. That's a lot, yeah. Oh. Anyway, thank you for your support. That means a lot. Oh no. This kid's got spunk, telling ya. He's going places . I do think that Jordan, your reaction there, like we need to put up a video on socials of like the direct comparison between that reaction and the engagement reaction because No, no, no, no. Like I I know you love him to bits, but I reckon he's more chuffed about this than the engagement. I'm not allowed to say that. Oh come up. Well let's ask him. Engagements by the by. Oh, years ago. Everyone gets engaged these days. West End show. Bitch please. I'm proud of you, son. I'm si equally as excited, but for very different reasons. West End girl. Our William. A West End girl. Oh, your mum would love Titanic. For those that don't know, by the way, Titanic is the story of Titanic told in the songs of Celine Dion. All we're gonna get for the next fucking six weeks now, isn't it? Titanic, my friends at Titanic. Oh, you must meet my darling friends at Titanic. Well, remember all your roots. All right. Remember where you come from. Okay . Okay. Right, go on. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What's that? Yeah, every time you mention Titanic, we'll go beep beep beep beep beep. I won't mention it again. No, no. No, no, we're not shitting on your parade 'cause I'm genuinely tough tough. Yeah. It's a great show as well. Very good. Yes, Ben, you enjoyed it, didn't you? Yeah. And your I think your part is potentially the funniest bit of it. It used to be the funniest part anyway. I hope it continues to be. Well that's what I was gonna say. Yeah. But I'm sure it will be. Always do. Alright. Uh shall we have the jingle? This episode is sponsored by Heathrow Express. How's your time management? Um well it's better than yours. And what do you mean by that? Well, I mean out of the two of us, who always arrives first on time for the podcast recording or indeed anything? Fair point. And this is where Heathrow Express comes in, as they understand that time matters when you're travelling from London to Heathrow to catch that important flight. Have you, William Hansen, ever come close to missing a flight before? Uh yes. Remember that time where Mikey and I had to run through the terminal because we were running late and we nearly divorced. Only a matter of months ago now. How about you? Uh I mean most flights I'm pretty much rushing for. Yeah. Yeah, it's just normal to me. Standard for you. But when travelling on Heathrow Express, it's just fifteen minutes from London Paddington to Heathrow Station and, trains run every 15 minutes. Plus, children fifteen and under travel free. Tickets booked at least thirty days or more in advance are available from just ten pounds, and there's no fixed travel time, so you can use any train on the day of your booking. So if the two of us are going to go on holiday together this year, you've got no excuses to be late, Jordan. Visit HeforExpress.com to book your tickets. Do you keep hearing podcast ads, like this one for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization. Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without Get started at acast.com forward slash advertise . Jordan's jolly joke of the week, cue the jingle. If you like a chat, let's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan And if a giggle is what you see, you're short to love Jordan's jolly joke of the week. What did you get when you across the Atlantic with the Titanic? Oh, this is relevant. And I'll tell you the punchline after the break. This wasn't planned. Alright, Gene Divas. Thanks for sticking with us. Time for Jordan's Jolly I don't know. About halfway. Is that a bit bad? I'll stick that in my monologue. About halfway. Hey Keith, can we can we joke about the Titanic now? I mean Titanic is an entire joke about the Titanic. Oh is it? I just Googled like funny jokes about the Titanic. Oh bless you. Yeah. That's his love language. Makes a change for you to Google something that isn't Jordan North. So can we well no That's not true. Do you know what I actually did do another one? Go on. Is it a Titanic theme one or something? No, it's about condoms. Okay.. Right Uh blog goes into the pharmacy. This is from Kylie Blackwell. He says, uh he's got a good weekend planned. So he walks up to Lady Behind Counter, says, Hello, Miss. I'd like six condoms, please. She says to him with a frustrated tone. Don't miss me. He says, Okay, I'll have seven. That's funny. That's funny. I like that. I don't get that. Don't miss me. And then don't miss. Forget about me. Go on, then I'll have seven. But why did she say that? Because he went, hello miss. Don't miss me. Don't miss me. Let's do it. Sorry, thanks. I will William in Titanic. You've gone peak, Wendy. I'm so proud. I'm so proud. Thank you, Charlie. Oh. Have you told your mum and dad? Yes. Discussions as to whether I will allow them to come and watch this show. Surely. Surely. I don't know if it's a good one par with sex, isn't it? They've never been to one of our live shows. No. My parents have. Yeah, but you know. We're the South Bank show for your parents. Oh, he's the bitch. Oh he's the bitch. Oh I'll tell Wendy. Oh she's coming a stay in winter in summer. Great. Oh Wendy'll come. Great. There we go. Any time before the nighting . Although I might take her to see Tina. Well, good luck. Why? It's not on. Oh. Is it not? I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it. Come and see our show. Okay. Yeah, no, I'll uh I'll I'll give you a proper review when I see it as well, because I never see it. Oh good. Because it's now better than Tina. On the basis that you're the height of culture for Jordan is Blood Brothers. We can all buckle up for that. Right. Now it's time for our questions, dilemma. Remember if you need our help with something getting touched, you can send you tells of Trepid H into help at sex at my boss.com you can DM us with at sex and my boss on the socials or you can write to William I'm choking on your pride there who in the fullness makes a change not the first time who in the fullness of time, promise handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards of executive self-sealing lovers. The address is on the website, sex and myboss dot com. Our first element is from Sonia. Hey William and Jordan. Greetings from Sydney, Australia. Over here I work at the bar of a popular theatre. William should come down under and catch a show sometime. Sadly there's no Mary Poppins on the schedule this year, but maybe you'd enjoy six instead. Anyway, on to my etiquette question. Our theatre bar is fairly fancy, we make cocktails and mocktails and we offer an extensive range of wines, beers and spirits. Sometimes though we run out of an item or simply don't stock a very specific drink a patron asks for. For example, a gin and de Bonnet. Kidding, I've never been requested for a G and D. I've noticed that some bartenders will say things like Sorry I don't have that or I can't make that for you. But that wording always gives me the ick a bit because I almost sounds like as though they personally own the bar or are individually responsible for the stop and drinks list. I naturally tend to say we instead. For example, sorry we don't have that in stock, because it feels more accurate when you're speaking on behalf of the venue, rather than as an individual. So my question is, in that situation, is I technically correct, because the bartender can't make the drink, or is we more appropriate because we're representing the company and its stock availability? Thanks. Sonia from Sydney. What a lovely question. Jordan, over to you. I'd always say we personally, but could you say they? They don't have it in stock? Well no, not they, because then you're disassociating yourself with your I'd personally say we because if if if it's not your bar , then yeah. You know, I mean in hospitality, generally, particularly in luxury hospitality, I don't know where your bar falls in on that spectrum, but you are in Australia. I would say that you never really want to say no to the customer. So I would suggest uh well we don't have that available, but may I suggest a blah blah blah which is similar. So you want to then give them another option. Yeah. Or a blah blah blah, which is very refreshing for this type of yeah. Yes, exactly. And I probably would say we rather than I. So Sonia, I'm on your side on that one. The next dilemma is from Anonymous, aka Miss Peggy Okay. Tell Kermit we said hello? No Peggy. Oh right, okay. Good morning team. I delved into the unknown and signed up to a dating site and I met a lovely chap whom I will call Mr A for the purpose of this deliver Mr. Toad . Right. Okay. We met a couple of times and all seemed well. He was a nice man, kind, with some seemingly good morals, a stable home and a job. Then it came to the bedroom stuff. One thing led to another, and we engaged in sexual activities. This may be a little harsh, but it is anonymous, so I'll say it. I remember thinking has he put it in yet? Oh geez. And no, I do not have a giant bucket . It's bouquet. I have actually been complimented many times. I haven't had kids and I exercised, so things are let's just say nice and tight. Thanks so much . Next he says Can I be honest? I've been dating women and men , and that he had a few local booty calls all with men. He then went on to ask if I would peg him. At first I was like no, but I like to please and I'm pretty open to trying anything once, so off he excitedly pops to douche. Things proceed and next thing I'm thrusting this somewhat large purple device in and out of his anal passage. He clearly liked it, but did I? Not really. Anyway, it then developed into a routine thing, almost every sexual encounter. I turned into Miss Peggy. To me, it was odd that he needed it so much and how much he enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I have been with men who love a cheeky little slippage of the finger up the bum to enhance things, but this seemed excessive. Anyway, it really wasn't my cup of tea, so I ended things, but I didn't really tell him that was why. So here is my question. Was it harsh to end it for this reason? Thank you, laughter Will, Jordan and all the team. You're a whole lot of joy and laughter anonymous. Well look, Miss Peggy, I I think if that's not what you're into, and he clearly is, then I don't think that's harsh at all. No the other week with a girl who left the guy because he fell in a pothole. Very harsh. Yeah. Yeah. So potholes and pegging. You know, it's gonna be the title of my book. There we go. Or combine the two, slippery when wet. I've just realized that's gonna be my book. Potholes and pecking. No, never. No. Yeah. Anyway. Jet washing and jerking. Jerkin. Wow . Yeah, that came to mind quite quickly. And I do like button now So no, I I I personally don't think. And if he unless you give it a go, and it sounds like he was sounds like he I'm I'm not tell me if I'm out of order here. It sounds like he might be gay. Uh or he might prefer one type of peanut butter more than the other. Bisexuals love me now because of that analogy. Honestly. I'm like, give me a famous philosopher. Freud. It's not Freud was not a philosopher. Give me a famous philosopher. Plato Plato Plato he was a dog no that's Pluto oh right do you know what I'll do for next episode I'll come up with three Jordan philosophies right Okay. Yeah. Okay. There you go. Lovely. Um But bisexuals and my peanut butter analogy. People have stopped me in straight, just said, Jordan, as the bisexual, why am I doing my mum's impression ? But miss Miss Peggy, I would say it like I d uh if it if it's not whatever you're doing sexually with somebody, whether it's pegging or not, if it's making you not feel uncomfortable, that's not maybe not w how you're feeling, but if it is making you it's not floating your boat, you can just say. It's because like sexual ity is a spectrum, isn't it? It is. Don't come in on my peanut butter analogy. It all goes on. This is from Lauren. There's nothing wrong with it. Dear William Jordan Et al, I'm in need of your help. I'm soon to be travelling from London, from the depths of Dorset to visit Floris. Oh yes, where I'll be creating my own bespoke fragrance. As part of the process I need to think of a name for my fragrance. What is the etiquette on choosing a name? I'm aware that many of the good ones will already be taken, but how do I go about choosing a unique but classy name? I want it to be personal but not tacky. Many thanks in advance. Love listening to you every week. Kind regards, Lauren, endorse it. So for those that don't know, Flores used to have a royal warrant from the late Queen. I don't know if it has one now from the King. I would need to look that up. Um, but uh it's the perfumery shop on German Street, J-E-R-M-Y-N. Uh just behind Fortnite and Mason. Very nice, um, very floral, hence florist sounding names. They do have a royal warrant. From the king. From the king. Okay, there we go. I twenty twenty three. I think the greatest name, Mus k actually Not anymore. Not anymore. No. Od iminge . Don't forget that. Somewhat classy. Or Lauren, could you look up what does Lauren mean in Latin? Loren . Oh well yeah. Lorena. Or then the village you're from in Dorset, perhaps you could call it that. What about Coco number four? Coco number four? Yes. Oh no. Chanel number five point one. Surely there's four if there is a five. Or channel number four. Oh no, that's channel four might suit you for that. Yeah, you've probably come to the wrong place for that. But can I just do another little Geordie rant? Okay. Yeah. A Geordie rant. I just do another little Geordie rant. Gave. And I was guilty of this myself. Uh mainly the the lads are guilty of this. You don't need to put loads of after shave on. There's too many strong smelling people at the moment. Especially with this little bobo that everyone's wearing old knockoffs. The larbo. The larbo and old knockoff ones. Well everyone stinks a Santel in London. You know that it's called Santel and you can get the knockoff ones, which is fine 'cause it's cheaper. Is that from the same guy that supplies the olive trees? I see him again on my run on Saturday. Well, I'm having great trouble finding my own olive tree because it t I went to the garden centre and they said and they looked at me as if I just asked for you know, the bomb squad or something and they said, We do not stock olive trees because they carry disease and they could infect all the other plants in the garden centre oh okay, I didn't know. Uh and then he took me all around the garden centre, showing me other things that I could get instead of an olive tree. And I was like, No, I want an olive tree, 'cause I've already told you it's joining an existing row of olive trees. I need an olive tree. Excuse me, you're just gonna give you a live correction? Yes. You just said like five minutes ago, when you're behind a bar, suggest other things. Why can't you do it in a garden ship? Well because I wanted an olive tree. Right, well just saying. Um yeah we we don't know a good fray a good same but just be careful on the old frame. Just a little spritz. And don't rub your wrist more. Don't rub you never rub your wrists together when you put your spring on. My mum worked in boots for Christmas. She always When she wasn't on the bus. She always tells me this that um you can't rub because you separate the alcohol from the from the spray. So just everyone goes like this. Spritz your wrist but don't rub them together. Don't rub your wrists together. And don't don't wrench your teeth after you've brushed them. No, because it washes out the fluoride. Yeah. Yeah, which you will. Which is feels weird at first, but once you get into it. There you go. Right, next one. The final dilemma is from Steve. We had a German friend visiting whose English is very good, Segut, although sometimes a little too literal. We decided to treat them to some traditional English food. A beef and ale pie with cravy. Ah, that is good, yeah. I'm sure this menu choice appeals more to Jordan than William, but as staunch Midlanders, we did our best to deliver the best for our foreign guests, stopping short of peas and f aggots . On tasting the pie, he commented out these days. On tasting faggots. It's like it's part of a yeah. On tasting the pie, he commented that he very much liked the beefcake. Yeah, I liked the beefcake, ya. I explained it was not a cake but a pie. This was followed by a very confusing conversation in which I tried to explain that it was a pie, not a cake as it was savoury. When he replied that apple pie isn't savoury either, I had to concede to the He then asked me for more of the meat sauce, gravy, as he thought it went very well with the beef cake. I explained