Bisexual Peanut Butter and Listener Comments

There's lots of very funny dilemmas coming your way in just a moment. You can watch every episode of Help I Sex with my boss too. From Jordan's attempts to be a YouTuber back in twenty ten, seriously the second, hand embarrassment is real. To William's reaction to seeing a fanny for the first time, there are so many brilliant moments that you need to see. Search for help I sex with my boss on YouTube and hit subscribe so you don't miss an episod . Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on and how our advice went down with you our wonderful G and D. Are you doing much this week am I sweet? Well I've got another one of the English Manner's Dining Ediquet Masterclasses. I'd love to come along to them one day. You don't need to ask. Oh, whatever. Sorry, that was bit harsh . That's been fully booked for the last four years. I'll tear it up. Yours. I know. You've turned that business. I'm really proud of you. No, no, no, I haven't turned it around. It was doing very well before I took it over. Don't be modest, you've took it to the next level. Congrats. Thank you very much. What are you doing this weekend? So you'll love this . Sushi? Maurie next door. Oh, you should got your own for drinks, isn't she? Yeah, so she slipped a note through the door. Lead a head of paper like the one you got me. See, I would now be rude to Maury, but I still would have posted it because I think it's nice because then people know that you use first class . She lives next door. Yes. 'Cause yeah. You know, I posted wedding invitations to our neighbors who lived in the same building . Are you joked? Because I think it's nice for them to know. Oh , for God's sake. You are anyway. So she went she didn't because she kept saying 'cause I said I elped else we were shopping 'cause she hurt her arm. So she kept saying we need to get some arm blessed and she said, Need to get some dates in. So I really like this. She put a little letterhead of paper through the door . Said cocktails on the balcony. It was a time. It was an option. I was like, yes. So I'm loving cocktails with Maorin Top Ray. She's lovely. She's sweet . So really, really sweet lady. Her husband died a few years ago. I hope she doesn't mind saying and she's really lovely. So yeah., that's what I'm doing. What cocktails are going to make? I don't know actually. I don't know. And then I got paddle on Sunday. We should have invested in some paddle cores. I did float the idea around to you last year a couple of years ago. Yeah, but I don't know if I'd be responsible for running paddle courts? Well, because honestly, you've already got enough to be working. No, you got to pay to be a member so you can see the courts like a week in advance instead of three days in advance. And then it's like fifty sixty o pdoundds of a book cotton. We won't be doing this. We'll be on a beach now in Barbados or somehow. Right. I did say that to Yasid. We should embrace I'm sorry. Maybe you tell me the next business opportunity you've got and we'll give that a go. I'll take it more seriously. Okay from you . Only fans . Okay . Fuck off no, we're getting I'm getting up at four o'clock at morning. There's people signing pictures of the feet and the king raking in in Dubai I'm not doing that. Okay, no, no , you know, no shame on modes that do, but it's not for me. Okay, fair . Not for me. All right. Come on at a little bit of bit of post and I'm going to read this out now because there's no return address so I can't write back to it. But I love a little card that's come all the way from Canada saying, Dear William, I don't have a dilemma, but I have a gift for you. I found this spoon from a nineteen thirty nine visit of George the Fifth . George the Fifth, not in nineteen thirty nine it wasn't. I think sorry Someone said we just did a spoon sorry it was a spoon Yeah Yeah, George VI and Queen Elizabeth, who became the Queen Mother to Canada. And I thought, Who would enjoy this more than William? It needs a good polish and I suggest you use this as an opportunity to teach Jordan that skill of polishing. Thank you, anything of yours you'd like me to polish ? Thank you for all of your joy in the world. Best Kate , an avid listener from Toronto . So there we go. A ram. The silver sweet. Is that similar to the one that was born in your mouth? Oh, you've done that joke so many times. It's not, it's actually, is it silver ? I think it's silver plate, but it's still very nice. There's no hallmarks on it. So I'm going to say it's a silver plate. I'll take that. You can never have enough. You're not taking that. Thank you. It was sent to me . Never have enough teaspoes. And do you know what? Typical northern I take what's from the south let's brush over that one. That's a good yogurt spoon, that Yeah, 'cause never they don't you know, they do like soup spoons and teaspoons. Yes, I am aware of dessert spoons. When I have yogurt I have yogurt every night afternoon tea because I'm a toddler . A little petty petty filup. I do have a little petty filu actually. Or if I'm feeling fancy, those fancy ones with a checked on the front with a peach at the bottom. Still as butcher as ever. What's the brand called? Anyway, and I always say I often say because the conversation is rivetin' in my house. Yeah. I often say, you know what? They don't do enough yogurt spoons. So I'm gonna call that a good yogurt spoon. It's a nineteen thirty nine state visit to Canada spoon. Perfect for a yoga get that that. Can I have back please? Oh yeah . Thank you. We could share custody of the spoon. Give it to me, please. Thank you. Mine. You sent it to me . But now this is where next week would come in and sort of it's like the antiquesad Ro show because people have sent in so many spoons for you or objects. You know that whiskey decana you got me? Yes. And I've smashed one of the glasses from the Nutsford Antiques Center years ago. Yeah, would that be worth somewhat? No., no You said it was antique, is it antique? You can still be antique and not really worth much. Look at Stuart That was good . Thank you. He is the eldest of us. But he's not old. No, well, I don't know what he is. I loved how Stewart laughed at that. Come on, what else have we got? Okay, so Jordan, supermarket snacking, which we talked about last week is. a It hot topic. Let me tell you tell me I've not broken the law again because if I'm in for picking flowers and supermart snacking I'm gonna get bummed all over G wink . More like D wink You're on fire today, Mr. Hannah. Thank you very much. Last week, Jordan, you said there's nothing wrong with eating something before you pay for it in the supermarket. You pay for the packaging? Which I said was completely wrong, cause lots of comments. We polled our Instagram followers, and fifty seven percent of people agree with me that adults eating things in supermarkets is totally wrong. Will said eating while shopping is just bad a get in general. I mean, how hungry can you be? Honestly, why not ? Just eat before you go. No, 'cause some of us have busy lives . There's not wrong with opting a pack of ham and just having a few bits of ham. You should go to the supermarket having eaten because if you're hungry then you will buy more. Yeah. That will just eat it whilst you go round. Do not quote Jillian McQueen Keefe McQueen . Jillian McQueen . I'm sure that's a drag queen. No, it should be. That's my drag queen name. I'm trademarking that. Can we just look at that out that might be a I'm Jillian McQueen anyway. She said that on what was it? You are what you eat. You are what you eat 'cause you won't get away with some of those Fat family. Have you seen that? Yes. Hello, Fat Eve. I'm in his book , Steve Miller's book, he did a book years ago and he asked me for a quote from various guides I'm in it. Is that the writer of the show? Who's that? Steve Miller . The guy who presented for that family Yeah . Aya said, Can you not wait four minutes until you've actually paid? Levitar, but Harry Potter said Levatar. It's not acceptable. What if your payment method fails at the end and you're left with no other options to pay? Levatar, it's not acceptable. What if your payment method fails at the end and you're not left to pay? Sorry Levat but youa',ve annoyed me. What, by disagree with you? Only twenty one percent agree with you, Jordan, that it's totally fine. Fine, as long as you pay. Emma says it's a lancasha thing. We always had a mini can to drink when we're in Ast a, who else calls them birdicans? True. My mom, I've said this before, my mum used to feed us like seals and trolley. The chuck is bloody turkey dinosaur meat, you know, we went turkey dinosaur meat. Oh, the Billy No, no,, no sorry I, got that wrong. The Billy Bear Meat Do you remember when you slice it in front of you at the They didn't do that at Waitrose. Jacqueline said As long as you pay for it at the end I don't care when you eat it. Key said it's fully allowed. I used to work in Sainsbury's. They call it grazing and it's absolutely fine as long as you pay for it before you live. They do it now for kids. There's free free fruit for kids in the trolley. twenty two percent of people say, however, that it depends. Some of the factors people mentioned were medical or pregnancy needs, fine. Eating something that is charged by weight, not fine. No . And whether you're addict to the staff about it, not fine. Cheryl said, If my blood sugars drop, I have to get them back up, so always open the jelly babes while shopping. Thank you, Cheryl. I'm going to look into the lore on this, but I'm fairly sure a lot of people message me to say it is actually illegal. No, it's not. You can't, don't get me wrong, you can't go in to pick a mix and just grab a hand of flumps and be like , I've had an amphful of flumps because they'll be like, Well how do I charge it for them? But if you've opened a tonnex tea cake and add one, you're fine. Just waiting for a knock at the door? Yes. Next week. Mr. North, yeah. Last week also the podcast we learnt about gooning, which was nothing short of an eye opening subject for us all. And lots of people seem to like hearing about it. It was in the Sunday Times, I'm sure, by the way. Goingon. I'm pretty sure it was it? No, it wasn't. It was Benzand . What? The documentary maker. Really good documentary. It was on his Instagram. Right . So with this in mind, we're starting a new feature, apparently with no approval from me called William Reeds from Urban Dictionary . Now, if you don't know what Urban Dictionary is, it's nothing to do with Susie Dent, let's put it that way. It's an online dictionary where you can find out the meanings to some of the more sordid words and phras es on the internet. Think gooning , space docking , wolf bagging, etc. Space docking now idea. Well, keep if this feature runs for all the week, we might find out what space docking is. Now we've got no idea which phrase the team has picked for me to discover today , so we'll dive in. This week's word, are you sitting comfortably by issu anning ? Okay, Jordan's doing like a Superman pose. Before we find out the meeting, what do you think it could mean Jordan? Well I'm thinking something that he was spunk because I remember being told about camp man. No, it was inspired man What the film with Tom Hollands . I don't endorse this, but I got told this in probably uni, maybe college. Right. So like Spiderman is I think it's called Spider Man in. I don't know what it is. When you show them your we b? When you basically when you jizz, you get out of your handsome. Oh, flick it on the face like spider man . I don't know. Geez, I don't endorse it. So what would that make superman ning? Fisted, isn't it? Okay . Well, we'll find out after the break. Oh, forgot. Is this now a thing? Oh, just when this podcast couldn't get any lower . I'm listening to the rest is history at the moment with Dominic Fingie and the book club that they do. Tilly. Yeah, well that's more that's more high brow. You want to have this with Dominic and Tilly. You do on their patreon to be fair . Do you like nineteen eighty four? Yeah, they do a really good review of that, by the way. And hammock. They picked some niche books. So that's like proper highbrow. I don't understand afterwards to saying, but still . Supermanning we were talking about before the break. Let's see if we got the definition right reading from Urban Dictionary . Supermanning is when someone with a willy lies flat on a public bin said Willie dangling down into said bin . Once you are balanced, you stick your arms out in front of you and your legs out behind you in a superman position and let the piss fly out of you faster than Clark Kent. I've done that. I'll use it in a sentence. Jordan was arrested while supermanning in public because of urinating outdoors is illegal. Well, there we go. We've all learned. Well, I suppose what I thought, and I think that'd be quite a lovely way to have a we ar on a pin. Just like Why don't you go when you go round to Maureen's house, you could superman her pins? I'm not superman in Maureen's house. Have some grace and decorum please William Hanson. I think it would be fun. Why am I being on post today? Get on your bins later and send us a photo. Do it on the toilet. Well, you could but I think it's got to be fil themed as a we do that. I'm sorry. Zach Effron does that in film. Oh . Over to our Zach Efron correspondent Jordan Norse. It does. Is it the one where is it bad grandpa Robert De Niero. His boner can't go down so he has to right? Yeah, anyway. Okay. Paul's got in touch in need of some football advice. Oh yeah, ladies. Hi, William Jordan EPB Diego and the rest of the Seed team. At the age of thirty six, on Sunday, the thirty first of May, I'm playing in my first ever charity football match as a goalkeeper at AFC Wimbledon's Plough Lane Stadium . Sounds nice. Alongside former Wimbledon players as well as other fellow Wimbledon fans . I haven't kicked a ball in seven years and I'm absolutely crapping myself, getting prepared and training for the big day. Isn't this around the time that you're doing soccer eight? It's a bit like you haven't kicked a ball in seven years and crapping myself . Does the soon to be cancelled? Oh, does the soon to be cancelled soccer aid style Jordan North have any further advice on this dilemma? Love the podcast. Many thanks Paul. Did you try not to over train before because that's what I'm doing. You don't want to winj yourself. You're actually training for soccer roads It's a charity knockout. Oh, oh, you've reminded me, I'm trying to get ten lads together so I can subs havecri abe for five aside game. You stood up for it. You are actually , right? So I think it's me, you can referee . Carmy . And you can be cheerleader. Carl have on right, so I'm thinking next the couple of ways just to have a little kick about . Yeah . Okay Put that. Can I just do the tea ? Yeah, you do the tea. Yeah, yeah. But my advice is all the oranges. If you're not very good, play , oh, you're being goldkeeper. You'll be fine as keeper. You'd be fine. Don't fucking help. Dogkeepers just sort of stand in the net for most of the time, don't they? They don't actually do anything in my knowledge . Well, good luck, break your leg.. Break No, don't say that's what you say. Don't say that in football. It's one of the worst injuries. why is it fine in the theater then? What? Why is it fine in the theater? Because that's your world. Don't bring it into our world. Why break a leg in football. Christ. Good luck. One of my good game. I don't know if I did it on Ben's sponsorship page for when you did the marathon or cats , but normally when I donate to people that are doing running things, I always put break a leg, which I think is hilarious. Eve has got in touch to let Jordan know he's going to prison. Hello boys. What for now? I work as an ecologist or botanist with a degree in plant biology, so wanted to wear in on Jordan and his flower picking up it. I'm sick , I'm sorry for picking the fucking bluebells. I didn't know it was illegal. It is an offence under the Wildlife Countryside Act as amended to pick any wildflower without the landowner's permission. Bluebells, however, are afforded additional protection. Bluebells are only however protected against sale, so as long as he had permission from the landowner and he hasn't sold them, he's not going to prison. So did you sell your blue belts? I didn't sell them and they're still going strong by the way. Did you have permission from the landowner? No, I didn't. Illegal. Right. Well, I tell you what, when the council get back to me and they finally dropped off my bloody recycling bags I've been trying to get from for three months. Yeah, then I'll ask them permission. Yeah. It'd be different if I didn't pay me pissing council tax. They'd be on the phone to me, wouldn't they? That's not really how the law works. Well, I don't care . Frigging . Months have been asking for recycled beds. But that doesn't mean to say you go around stealing bluebells. I'm not stealing bluebells. I thought it'd be nice from the side table in the kitchen. You are raping Mother Nature Jesus you'd be a good barrister, you know? Thank you. You would Christ, I won't pick any more blue bells. Continuing a thume, an anonymous police officer has messaged for God's sake, are you joking? To clarify the rules around eating food in a superm arket before paying for it. Right? Interesting to know this. Lock me up. I smuggled in toothpaste from America and that's illegal as well . Because it's really white because their toothpaste is great. You like your white because it's full of bleach. Well, yeah, and they're not allowed it here, but I took but a few in and I'm apparently not allowed to do that. Look at the border. No , lock me up. We're dealing with this loud be like a bloody holiday camp. I am literally my mother. I have turned into my mother. That's what she used to say. Prison, it'll be a break from you lot . Donald's my biggest fare goes prison . Right? Anyway, stop doing things that are illegal . A bit too. I picked a fucking blue bell. Tech me , tech me . That's what you'll be saying in prison. Do you know what I'll do? I'll be a martyr and an old G and D. Be a martyr for years. Back me up and they'll be protesting out free Jordan North Free Dirjiash Rid everyone will love t shirts. Like doing the podcast with Al Capone all of a sudden. Hi lads. I was just listening to your latest podcast when you talked about the etiquette behind eating something in a supermarket before paying for it. As someone who used to work in a supermarket, I can confirm it can be annoying if you go through the self checkout as it goes in weight, but otherwise I never had an issue. However, as a current police officer, I can confirm oh, it's perfectly legal. Thank you. The definition of theft is the dishonest appropriation of another's property with the intention to permanently deprive the other of it . Therefore, the theft is not complete until you choose not to pay for the item, and since you always have the intention to and do pay for it, there is no theft and therefore it is not illegal. Love the podcast and keep up the good work anonymous. Ah, that's nice. He's so committed to that definition. He's kept himself anonymous. You know, like, you can tell you're in London ' youcause know like the Dodg y people that used to sell like cheese and meat and pub and stuff and DVDs? No, but yeah , I'm not endorsing . However, randomly I'm not even joking . bl Aoke jumped out of a van near my house this week. I promise you I thought well this is it, Jordan. I thought you lived in a decent part of the world. It sounds like you ever This is what I'm saying. Well, so he run out and he was like, You have to any olive trees . And can I just say they were the most beautiful olive trees? But I thought enough I don't want to get cancelled for dodgy olive trees. And I generally were and I asked and I didn't ask, I asked him twice or where he's from and he scared over the questions so I think they were nicked. So I'm just saying I do think about these things I was losing my job over a couple of olive trees . In all seriousness, I am actually offering olive train. Well, that comes speak to this dodgy man that's driving around my area. Right. Well, if he comes from my part of the world, imagine that. Yeah . Because next street, you know, where we have there's like a normally people have fences between hous es, but they've got like some olive trees. And then there's a gap where clearly there was an olive tree, but there isn't anymore. And I've learnt that it was because a couple of years ago before we bought the house next door had a water leak so it infected the roots and thus the olive tree died, which is why there's a great big gap . And so we're just going to put an olive tree back in the gap . Well, if I see him, I'll send him your way. Thank you very much. You don't want me giving him your address. That's absolutely fine. As long as they are legal, then I don't mind. William, I've clearly just stated they're obviously not legal. Well, we don't know that . Well, why is he going to be just if you need anyone, if you need cheese and meat, speak to me , I don't want cheese. She nicks them, she hasn't got this. Just back to anonymous letter . So interesting what he says, he , they , theft is not complete until you choose to pay for them. And since you always had the intention to do and pay for it, there is no theft . It's not complete, but it does sound like it's in progress . So I would say it is still not at all. I always pick bluebells and I won't eat sandwiches in supermarkets. Thank you. Christ . And might as well be a nun . I think we'd have to go some for that . What's that I love being a bitch. And finally, Robert Past will be and I'm sure I'll read the questions . And finally, Robert has messaged in to weigh in on Jordan's bisexual peanut butter analogy. Come on say loads of bisexuals have got in touch with me and said Is this the same thing? They've said I've never heard of an analogy like it but anyway go on is like saying have nailed it. Dear William Jordan and producer Ben in a recent episode, Jordan compared the experience of bisexual people to sometimes fancying smooth and sometimes preferring crunchy peanut butter. As someone who is bisexual, I wanted to write in to let you know that he accidentally stumbled upon a well documented phenomenon experienced by many bi people. Often people assume that bi attraction is evenly split between both the binary, male and female genders . However, for lots of people the level of attraction varies, sometimes favoring the smooth peanut butter and sometimes the crunchy. This is known as the by cycle . And sometimes this preference can quite dramatically shift one way or another for a period of time. Also, for a lot of people, the b liabel can encompass much more than just the binary male and female genders, so sometimes we may fancy some jam or marmalade as well. Personally, I'm very keen on lemon curd, you've lost us with best. Thank you for continuing to make us all laugh with your antics. Robert from No Surprises Norfolk . So there we go. I got to sent quite a few DMs. One of them is a lovely message. I think her name was Rachel. I think it was Rachel, it might have Re beenbecon she said, I'm bi and I've never really thought about it as that. And it is some days you want smooth, some days you want some months I'll go months. This is how that's what I reckon it's like to be by. Mumps I'll be like, Oh, I cr'munchy and one day I'll wake up and be like, I fancied a bit of smooth today . You asked me a bite ago. I fancy a bit of cock this morning . And they'll have cooked for two months and think, right? A bit of fanny now . And that's what I'm like with peanut butter . Good to know . Thanks for sharing with the group . What's your peanut butter preference, Winiam? I like it with nuts . Yeah . I've always I've always nutty . Yeah, like crunchy. Every smooth. We should we should do a we should all you know get together and knuckle glam Glam. The joke was nut butter. I'm not, I'm not no longer to make some nut butter . Right, let's finish with our comment at the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials. Before we go to our favorite one, the honorable mentions, all linked to Jordan, your story about mincing around the park illegally blue. It didn't mince around the park I was Italian post Lapaziarta. Dinner tease walk . Lapaziarta is a phrase that only I have learnt in the last week and I can say it already perfectly. You've been going on it for months and you still can't say it. Passagata. Yeah. There you go. Anyway, I think mint sound. Hailes commented on YouTube to say the Italian aftermill walk is referred to as a fart walk in our house. Few people have said that because apparently you go, you know, and just do loads of trumps. Gosh, well it's lovely. Obviously, Jordan, when you told us about the apartments , I said I've had analysis but that's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Katie commented, twenty eighteen William would never say such a thing. It would not . And comment of the week comes from Marion. What a lovely name Marion is solid name, who said, I'm currently a tourist in London and thought you should know that the Big Bus City Tour bus announces all their stops with the same tune as William's passive aggressive text of the Week Jingle Makes me laugh every time. Oh sorry it's worse down to Congress world Britannia. I mean it's not we don't own it Oh, I was? Yes. It's oh that's bad that you've come for a tourist because big benz's broke, isn't it? What? Is this a joke? No, one of the clock faces is broken. Please don't go big Ben's for laying on the clock in the tower.. We know we're not bothered Whatever, but one of the clocks fat us has broke. So really? The broken Like the oven in the kitchen . And when that goes, it fucks everything up. You're like, Oh shit, what time is it? In the oven in the kitchen . Yes. Do you not have a clock on the wall there? No, everyone relies on the oven clock. Don't put a clock on the wall No Yes. You still, by the way, have talking of clocks and kitchen times, you still haven't sent me the link toed the kitchen riders I haven't. Do you know what? If that was you? Yeah, I mentioned to you, this is how lovely you are. I said, Where did you get that coffee mug from? And he said, send you the travel cafeteria. The travel cafeteria, and I said, Send Mit Lincoln, you know what happened? Next day he got it sent delivered to me. How nice is that? Isn't that sweet? And he's asked me for two months for his kitchen timer am I