Navigating the Vastness of Existence

This is hidden brain. I'm Shankar Vidand Early one morning in march nineteen sixty four A woman named Kitty Jenovise was on her way home from the bar where she worked She parked her car and was walking toward her apartment building when a man attacked and killed her. Over the years, Kitty Genovves's murder has been the focus of countless books, movies, and psychology research papers. It drew attention not only because it was a grisly crime. but because it supposedly explained a deep flaw in human nature The New York Times published an article that said dozens of people saw the murder or heard Kitty Genovee screaming for help No one intervened When someone did call the police It was too late In the decades that followed The case came to symbolize a psychological phenomenon known as the Bystander effect. When lots of people see something is wrong, the theory goes Each person wrongly assumes someone else will step up to help. the net effect is that as the number of potential helpers increases The number of people who actually help Creases. In recent years, psychologists and journalists have reexamined the facts of the Kitty Genovee story. and walk back some of the claims The Times has said that its initial reporting was flawed and exaggerated. I think the power of the Kitty Genove story lies in the fact that in everyday life We all notice that we are not as helpful and brave as we would like to be. We look away from people who are suffering We cross the street to avoid an altercation evenven when the stakes are low for personal safety. We don't extend a hand to others who need help This week on Hidden Brain The curious psychology behind a phenomenon that is all around us and how understanding a quirk inside our minds can help us become the kind of people we admire Support for Hidden Brain comes from Pacific Life Insurance. You make promises throughout your life. For nearly one hundred and sixty years, Pacific Life has been helping you keep them by protecting those who matter most Pacific Life The power of a prromise. Ask a financial professional how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska And in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona Support for Hidden Brain comes from the Great Ech, presented by Brookdale Senror Living What should you want to find in a good senior living community? No matter how old you are, relationships, hobbies and a sense of belonging are important Hosts, MB and Susie unpack the process of choosing a senior living community with someone who's lived it Hear about Mary's journey to senior liivving on episode twenty three of the Great Egg Whver you listen to podcasts Support for Hidden Bin comes from Low's. Son's out, and so is dad This Father's D, find what willll make his summer with Lowe's Father's Day deals. two free Dault power tools when you buy a select five amMp power battery kit. Plus, get a free Blackstone six piece stainless steel griddle kit. When you buy a select Blackstone Griddle Shop lows Father's Day deals in store or online. Valid through june twenty fourth while supplies last Selection varies by location. My name's Gary Knight. I'm the CEO of the Seven Foundation, which is a media nonprofit I'm also a very keen amateur cyclist I first met Gary in two thousand nine at a journalism fellowship program A Big man with a gregarious personality, he filled every room he entered. Gary was a photographer and had covered conflicts around the world including in the Balkans, the Arab world, and Southeast Asia. He was a member of the iconic Photo agency Call seeven I hadn't been in touch with Gary for some years, but recently met up with him He seemed to be moving his shoulder gingerly. And I asked him what happened The story, he told me, made me think about some surprising research into the nature of kindness We'll get to that in a moment. Gary told me that each year plans a biking adventure with friends thing that we're looking for the most are really steep climbs, incredible views and sort of mythological rides On his most recent trip before our meeting, Gary and his friends decided to go biking in the west of Scotland We got up very early, drove for an hour. to this climb called Balack Nabar, which is an old cattle road that goes over a mountain. It's one of the steepest roads of the British Isles, reaches about twenty percent on a bike and it's a single track road. So that means that there's really only room for one car and a bicycle or perhaps a motorcycle My friends usually climb on their bikes a lot faster than I do because I'm a lot heavier than they are But I descend much faster because I'm a lot heavier than they are And I have a lot of confidence on the bike So on this after this tortuous climb, which I think took about an hour and a half we descended down into this little town where we had a coffee and something to eat And I remember passing this sort of group of motorcyclists on the way down this road They waved at us. we waved at them They were pretty much doing the same trip we were except on bikes Soon It was time for the next section We set off again. up a gentle climb and then another really steep descent And I was quite far ahead of my friends. I remember I was doing fifty five kilometers an hour, which I think is about thirty two, thirty four miles per hour going down this road And I could see quite far ahead there was a bend in the road and a bridge. U Bend And there were two Volkswagen cambervans coming quite fast in the opposite direction And as we got closer to each other, I lost sight of the white camper manan, it was so close to the black one. But when I came around this corner It appeared and it was on my side of the road. And traveling at that speed, I had nowhere to go. there was no room on the road. I had to come off the road. I went over a concrete ledge and then went airborne and hit a huge lump of granite with my shoulder and my head and I saw it coming towards me and it was inevitable what was going to happen I had the impact and it was incredibly painful And the bike sort of skidded off ahead of me and I came to a real hult But the van, both vans drove off up the mountain, But I have no doubt that both drivers would have seen me it's impossible unless they were on their phones that they wouldn't Gary landed at the bottom of a ditch. He didn't black out But he felt fuzzy headed The one thing he was grateful for was that his friends were coming down the mountain behind him They would come to the same band and stop to help But my friends who were riding behind me who'd lost sight of me Roe straight by, I could hear them riding by I was quite distraught. I called out, I think, to them a little bit but feebly and they' gone and they left. And so I picked up my phone to call them, to ask them to come back, but I had no reception so I couldn't reach them Gary knew he was in trouble He guessed his friends would eventually figure out he was not in front of them and turn back But how long would that be twenty minutes, an hour And once they tone back How would they know to come to this particular spot I was in the really the middle of nowhere I lifted up my bike, tried to get back on the bike but realized I couldn't move my shoulder Sowly Painfully Gary pulled himself and his bike. back to the edge of the road At that point, I was standing on the side of the road, you know with a rip shirt and clearly not quite right And a number of vehicles passed me and nobody stopped. peopleeople looked, but nobody nobody stopped Would you have stopp You're driving on a remote mountain road in the west of Scotland And you see a man with a ripped shirt by the side of the road But after some time someone D stop Three motorcycles came down the road, and these were the motorcyclists that I'd passed earlier in the day and we'd been waving to each other. The first two sort of looked at me and went by and started to slow down and the third one put his thumb up and down at me as if and he was asking me the question, are you okay Gary indicated he needed help And so he stopped his motorbike and he asked me what had happened and then said, look, you know, sit down and we're going to, you know, check you out And he explains, his name's Martin He explained that he and his friends, Max and Anita were all Poles. They're Polish. they lived and worked in the United Kingdom and they were all trained paramedics. and they just the week before finished all of their training U and so they check me out, check my head. did all the tests to see if I had concussion They then took out bandages, strapped me up immobilized my arm I mean, I couldn't West for more. One of them went and found Gary's friends, while another called emergency services All three waited with him for almost an hour until the medics arrived They were so incredibly generous. They spent a lot of time with me. whilst they're on vacation And the only people who stopped for me in Scotland weren't people from Britain, my own people, they were, in fact, foreigners which is sort of ironic at a time of Brexit when Britain is You know, rejecting the idea of allowing foreigners in so easily hugely, hugely grateful for them and you know, just talking about it makes me very emotional Sorry It's ironic because I've had a very, um dramatic and Violent career You know, I' photographed wars for twentywenty years And So s as I ever came to d was on my bike So You know, if I' very alone When I came off the bike And u Hving three strangers You know, stop at the side of the road and take care of me was a remarkable it sce. No. credible act of kindness. And I hope I have the opportunity to do the same thing, but somebody else one day I feel so grateful that those three Polish paramedics stopp to help my friend. But there is another way to look at this Sure, it's no fun to take an hour out of your vacation to help a stranger. But really It's just an hour And surely, knowing you helped another person in desperate need has to make you feel great about yourself So why are stories of good Samaritan so rare In daily life Why don't we extend help to others more often Are people just selfish Actually, new psychological research reveals a quirk in our mental makeup that may be to blame. 're lening to hiddenrain I'm Shankar Ved Dant Support for Hidden Brain comes from Lillily On this show, it's fascinating to discuss the unseen forces shaping the human brain. Consider conditions like Alzheimer's disease, where changes in the brain may develop up to twenty years before noticing symptoms Talk to your doctor to understand your potential risk factors for dementia due to Alzheimer's disease and ask for a cognitive assessment Visit brainhealthmatters. com For more information and resources Support for Hidden Brain comes from CashH What if getting started with Bitcoin didn't have to feel overwhelming If you've been curious about Bitcoin, but haven't made the jump yet Cash app makes it easy. You can set up automatic purchases with zero fees or buy larger amounts, also with zero fees. St small or go bigger It's designed to be simple either way. For a limited time, new customers can get ten dollars added to their balance Just use code cash app ten when you sign up. And don't forget this part, send at least five dollars to a friend in the first two weeks Terms apply. Cash A is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash A's bank partners. The Bitcoin services provided by Block Inc brands For additional information, see the Bitcoin disclosures at cash d. app slash legal slash podcast This is Hidden brain, I' Shank Har Ved Dantam When psychologist Amth Kumar was in graduate school He became close friends with another student We're going to call her Jen We used to spend a lot of time together and you know, those late night conversations, sometimes they're about work, sometimes they're about life. When you're a social psychologist, those conversations kind of blend together Um, I also knew her partner quite well. You know, the graduate school was at Cornell in Athica, New York, which is a pretty small college town. And so you end up running into the same people when you go to restaurants there, you see each other a lot and so u At this stage in our lives, we were quite quite close indeed So at the end of grad school Jen and her partner got married It was a small wedding just close friends and family I mean, I think the thing that's amazing about weddings in particular is that you have all of these people from these different parts of your life come together and it's just so nice to see how much everybody cares for each other and how happy they are that these two people found each other and decided to try to make this work And so it is a thrilling experience, I think, to be a part of those festivities Amet finished his dissertation Grad school ended. The long, late night conversations between friends turned into busy careers and family demands Amith began working as a professor in Texas. Over time He and Jen L Dutch. Od and enough, Amit would hear news about his friend via mutual acquaintances and via social media The newy hard. was not happy I had learned, um that she had recently gotten separated from her partner. She was about to go through a divorce. They'd actually recently had a child as well, so I didn't know that they were having any trouble with their relationship. I learned this through a mutual friend and so it was one of those situations where I kind of It was a third party that knew what was going on in her life, but I hadn't heard it from her myself. And I guess at this point, you're someone who this is a friend you were close to in grad school. You obviously went to the wedding, you felt happy to be there, you felt happy for the couple. You've heard about this unfortunate news, about the relationship not working out. But you've also sort of fallen out of touch. I'm imagining it must have been difficult to pick up the phone at that point and just call her, right? It's not like you were friends anymore Well, what I found out was actually particularly interesting, I think This was actually during a period of the pandemic you know, maybe other people have experienced this. I felt that it had been a little too long since I had seen my family. I wasn't yet comfortable getting on an airplane though, and so I cautiously kind of decided that it would be worth it to drive from Texas to where I grew up where my parents are in New Jersey in order to see them. but this travel did have me passing True several cities that I might not otherwise visit. And in fact, I was aware of the fact that this old friend of mine from grad school, Jen, happened to be living in one such city that was near the route that I was on. I may have considered stopping to pay Jen a visit. But then he asked himself what he would say. I hadn't talked to her myself in years. She didn't know that I would be driving through. I didn't give her advance notice. I thought maybe, you know that's not very courteous to just show up and tell someone you're around also thought about, of course,, you know She might wonder how I knew what was going on in her life even though we hadn't been in touch with each other. And so maybe she'd wonder U, how I even knew about her relationship troubles? How uncomfortable might that be? Sith did what many of us might do in such a situation He drove through Jent's town and didn't reach out As a psychologist, the incident got him thinking Someone who didn't know him well might have concluded he was callous in not reaching out to a friend going through tough times But Amh didn't feel callous. He wanted to reach out to Jen but didn't know how she would react Amh didn't lack for kindness He lacked. confidence How often he asked himself now wearing his psychologist hat? Does this happen in everyday life where people fail to extend help because they are unable or unwilling to help but because they feel they might not be able to do the right thing In time, the question bloomed into a full blown research project Amid quickly came by lots of examples of other people who found themselves in similar situations The author George Saunders describes an incident that took place when he was in the seventh grade A new kid had just arrived at a school. No one was small shy She wore these blue cat's eye glasses that at the time Only all ladies were When nervous, which is pretty much always she had a habit of taking a strand of hair into her mouth and chewing on it which didn't help her popularity at all At a commencement address at Syracuse University George Saunders described how most kids ignored Ellen when they did pay attention to her It was often to mock her. Your hair tastes good that sort of thing I can see this hurter I still remember the way she'd look after such an insult eyes cast down. a little gut kicked as if Having just been reminded of her place in things He was trying as much as possible to disappear George Saunders didn't bully Ellen himself He also didn't try to stop the bullies And then They moved One day she was there ext day she wasn't and a story. Why do I regret that Why, forty two years later, am I still thinking about her? Relative to most of the kids, I was actually pretty nice to her. I never said an unkind word to her In fact, I sometimes even mildly defended her But still It bothers me So here's something I know to be true, although it's a little corny, and I don't quite know what to do with it What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness Failures of kindness We often think that people who fail to act kindly are unkind people But the more Iit studied the phenomenon The more he saw The truth was much sadder than that There is, in fact, a plentiful supply of kindness in the world And there is lots of demand for that kindness But there is a quirk in our minds that keeps us from closing the loop and actually showing kindness when it's needed I think the language that economists use can actually be somewhat helpful here, even though we're talking about these everyday interactions where one could be kind to another person and You know, economists talk about things like expected utility, that they'll tell you that wise decisions are guided by an accurate assessment of the expected value of a given action. And so what we're often thinking about is our expectations and we've got expectations of both costs and benefits. You know there's potential costs that come with any interaction. It could be awkward, it could be uncomfortable, it could seem weird. You could be rejected. That's a risk of any potential interaction with another person Of course there's potential benefits to interacting with other people as well, in terms of the support that you're providing and in terms of both how you and they feel Think about the thoughts that went through Amit's head as he drove through the town of his old friend He worried that reaching out unexpectedly might seem rude He worried that he wouldn't know exactly what to say He worried that she would ask him how he had found out she was going through a divorce and he wouldn't know how to respond. Notice that none of these motivators involve Amith not wanting to help his friend One way that psychologists will sometimes talk about these costs is sort of an inordinate concern with How competent we seem, A we doing just the right thing at just the right time? If it seems like we're not, then we might not act in the direction of kindness, as George Saunders put it, these other oriented interactions In a series of experiments, Amith has shown that givers and recipients of kindness use completely different lenses to evaluate a kind deed Givers worry a lot about whether they are being competent Recipients care much more about something else In one experiment Amith and his colleagues approached strangers at a skating rink and ask them to give away hot cocoa to someone nearby We essentially had participants perform a random act of kindness for just a stranger who happened to be nearby. So we had these participants at a skating rink in a public park at Chicago. They were giving away hot chocolate on a cold winter's day to someone else in the area. You're giving to another person Delicious hot chocolate you're expecting, nothing in return. And after performing this act, what we did is we had these participants kind of report their own feelings and predict their recipients' experience. And we then got ratings. We asked the recipients of this act of kindness to tell us how they actually felt Um, And when we followed up with these recipients, what became clear is that performers tend to underestimate the value of their kindness. So as it turns out, both performers and recipients were in significantly better moods than the normal after this exchange after giving a hot chocolate to a stranger. And in fact, recipients of that act of kindness felt significantly better than performers of that act anticipated ople who gave away the hot chocolate. obbviously expected that recipients would appreciate the beverage But the underestimated just how much recipients would appreciate it Givers focused mostly on the worth of a hot chocolate on a cold winter's day Recipients love not only the hot chocolate But the idea that a stranger had suddenly done something nice for them Of course, in this initial experiment It was hard to disentangle people's enjoyment of the hot chocolate from their appreciation of an act of kindness So Ahmh ran a follow up study We returned to the same public park, contrary to popular belief, it eventually gets warm in Chicago. and so so the skating rink had melted because the seasons had changed. so we had participants giving cupcakes away to a stranger, but we had these cupcakes given to participants in our study in a couple of different ways. So in one case, participants again sort of gave a cupcake away to somebody else as an act of kindness, but in another case we had sort of know what you might think of as a control condition in which no act of kindness was performed, but people still received a cupcake. So in this other case, recipients are simply getting a cupcake for participating in the experiment rather than from another person as a random act of kindness. So one of these cases includes the warmth associated with a kind exchange. The other also has somebody receiving a cupcake, but without getting it from somebody else. And so what we do, again, is we compare expected versus actual experiences in these two cases And what we found was that people, again, underestimated how positive recipients would feel after this act of kindness when they had given the cupcake to somebody else Givers tend to focus on the specific help they are giving whether that's a phone call to someone in need cake to a stranger in a park They evaluate the success of their acts of kindness using a lens of competence This is why they ask themselves Am I doing the right thing Am I saying the right thing? Recipients focus less on whether the gift is perfect They care more about the warmth that comes with an act of kindness Think about what Gary Knight said about the three Polish travelers who stopped to help him Yes, he was grateful they had some medical expertise But in a moment when he felt all alone The fact other human beings set stopp to help him meant the world to him. kind of missing out on is this understanding of the additional warmth that comes from being on the receiving end of one of these acts. We get that People like cupcakes, but it turns out that getting a cupcake as a result of an act of kindness can be surprisingly good Amith it turns out that we make something of the same error when it comes to people in our own lives, not just as strangers. There was a study led by Zita Oovex and Chelsea Moh at Penn State some years ago that asked people what made them feel most loved. What did they find, Ametithh Yeah, what they found was that these sort of daily acts of kindness, these expressions of appreciation, even simple compliments, those are the types of things that people say make them feel most loved by those that are closest to them in their lives. I think what's interesting about that research though, is that it focuses on the recipients's perspective. so if you're asking people about what really matters to them, what makes them feel positive in these ways, they'll tell you that it's these expressions of warmth that happen on a day to day basis and the types of interactions we could have all the time. And yet I think if you were to ask the people that love those participants, the potential Um compliment givers or gratitude expressors or performers of acts of kindness, they might think that they're doing something relatively inconsequential as opposed to one of the most important things that they could do for another person Amit says the different lenses employed by gift givers and gift recipients to evaluate the value of an act of kindness leads to what he calls the pro sociality paradox I think the paradox is really that these are actions that tend to feel good for both for both the people doing them and the people on the receiving end. And yet even though it feels good, it's seen as good, it's perceived to be good, we are reluctant to behave in these ways that in everyday life will leave us feeling happier Pro sociality paradox doesn't just lead kind people to withhold that kindness It also keeps people. from asking for kindness In a study by Nick Aepleee and SXuan Zao Visitors at a botanical garden were encouraged to ask others to take a photo of them. The visitors were then asked to guess whether the strangers being asked to take the photos would feel happy or inconvenienced by the request So there's a beautiful scene this in this conservatory essentially, with these lush plants, this lush foliage around And so when you ask people, how inconveniced would somebody feel if you ask them to take a picture for you, how positive would they feel as a result of offering this help? for you they think that people are going to feel more inconvenience than they actually feel. And in fact, they don't realize how positive the other person will feel as a result of sort of helping you out. People are generally they tend to be delighted to offer a helping hand. It doesn't take very much effort. It's an easy opportunity to do something Nice for somebody else. and people are happy to do this, but we don't always recognize that And in some ways, isn't this partly connected to the idea that We find it really difficult to put ourselves in other people's shoes. so we're seeing the world so often through our own perspective that we fail to see that somebody else could see it quite differently. Yeah, we have these egocentric biases, is sort of the scientific term for these perspective based asymmetries where we're thinking about things from our perspective. But in these context, these are interpersonal exchanges. They involve other people. And so it really matters what's going on in the mind of another person, what their perspective is I'm not the first person to suggest that being kind to other people improves wellbe. and yet we have tons of opportunities to be kind to other people that we don't take advantage of. And I think it's interesting to think about why we don't act in ways that are likely to make us feel better. And one of those one of the explanations for why we sometimes choose not to do those things that are going to make both us and someone else feel better is that we don't We don't fully understand sort of the magnitude of the impact that we're having on another person recipients feel, they say things like a little good goes a long way. What we find in our research is that it actually goes even further than people expect that it will. We underestimate How much value these acts will have on the people that we're kind to There is one last dimension to the pro sociality paradox It's not only the case that we underestimate how much people will appreciate our acts of kindness It' not only that we underestimate how willing others are to help us, We fail to foresee the downstream effects of being T todayay in the Table of Aay Times, both report a woman at the drive through paid for her coffee at the Starbucks on Tyrone Boulevard around seven AM yesterday. She also paid for the driver behind her who in turn paid for the next customer and so on and so on In all, three hundred and seventy eight people decided to pay it forward. Employees say the three hundred and seventy ninth person who broke the chain was confused about how it all worked. Amithh and his team have run experiments to test if kindness is really contagious They've brought people into a lab and given them a small gift likeike a chocolate bar or a box of gourmet tea We had recipients of that act of kindness kind of play One of these economic games that are used to explore what are sometimes called pay it forward effects. So participants are assigned the role, they're told that they're sort of the decider. They're asked to allocate some money between themselves and another person. This is someone that they'd never meet And so everybody that received an item, in this case, again, it was either from the experimenter for their participation or as a result of their act of kindness, they're assigned to be this decider. There's real money on the line. theseese are consequential choices and What we found was that those who had just been on the receiving end of an act of kindness gave substantially more to sort of this anonymous person and this subsequent game. So this other person was now being kind to someone else basically because someone had been kind to them before the downstream effects in some ways of being kind. Yeah, you can think of this as a potential virtuous cycle of sort of giving to other people, but we don't always realize that we have the capacity to create cycles like that. Our actions can have surprising ripple effects on the world But first, we have to work up the courage to overcome our own feelings of awkwardness For his part, Ameth eventually did reach out to Jen, his grad school friend It was a lot less awkward than he had feared I wish the story was I reflected on how I had behaved and I changed my behavior right away and called her up on the phone. But we ended up, you know there was some shared memory, essentially that led to us having a little bit of a text exchange. We ended up talking to each other as a result of that. and from that conversation, I knew that would have been great if we had talked to each other. It's you know, when you're close to someone, you can those feelings of closeness come back ly in reality, but sometimes it's hard to to realize that when you're thinking about sort of the prospect of reconnecting with somebody else We all have moments in our lives when we see an opportunity to step in But don't Maybe an elderly stranger needs some help at the grocery store or a friend in trouble could benefit from a phone call. Rather than doing something, even if it's small Many of us hold back. We worry we will be awkward or that our kindness will be misconstrued When we are on the receiving end of small kindnesses We are often moved to tears This paradox plays out every day. robbing us of opportunities to offer kindness and opportunities to receive it when we come back How to fight the pro sociciality paradox? You're listening to hidden bra I'm Sanankar V Dant Unforgettable backackyard barbecues with savings from Who Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak And stock up on bug sprays and sunca must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Still wait in line Again That's time you will never get back. Save time and money with stamps dot comot Over four million businesses have skipped the line with stamps dot comot Join them to save up to ninety percent of carrier rates from your computer or phone right now Print posted for certified mail, registered mail, and packages in seconds. then schedule a pickup right from your home or office. For a limited time, go to stamps d. com and use code podcast for a free welcome gift. Taxes and pease upine This Hidden brain. I' Shankar Vedanta Like many people, psychologist Ahmit Khar had trepidations about returning to the office after spending months away during the COVID pandemic I think all of us can probably that have had this experience can remember how strange it is to go back to a place when you haven't been there in many months. And so there was already some anxiety around going back to the office. I was nervous about doing that I basically didn't go to the office at all for many months during the height of the pandemic. And when I eventually did come back to campus, I was expecting to kind of find ating sandwich from a past life and a bunch of dead plants in my office Much to my surprise, though, the plants in my office were not only alive, they were miraculously thriving to the point of looking way healthier than they looked when I was coming in regularly and trying to tend to them. And it turned out, so there's a person on our administrative staff here who does all sorts of seemingly small things that kind of really loom large, I think in the minds of those that are receiving her help. But of course it turned out that it was her who had kind of made this miracle happen. She had been coming into the office at least with a little bit of frequency. And this was again, something she didn't have to do. Nobody asked her to do this. In fact, when I talked to her about this is another kind of real life experience of what we're measuring in these experiments because when I talked to her about it, she basically framed it as this super concrete simple act., you know, it's just pouring water out of a container every once in a while is kind of how she described what she was doing. but To me when you're already anxious about returning to the office, you think that your plants have died, this was somebody that was thinking about me, somebody that cared about me, somebody that was doing something nice for me And so all of those positive feelings, I think really came to mind in that instance, even though she, of course thought of it as some small thing that she was doing to kind of pass the time. It's those different lenses again. Amth focused on the warmth of the act of kindness His colleague focused on how much effort it took her to water the plants So this goes back to sort of this asymmetry in terms What are people focusing on? What are people paying attention to in these interactions? So when we're potential performer of an act of kindness, our perspective just tends to Focus less on warmth than targets do when we're considering our own behavior It seems like a plant watering a plant to a performer, but it's actually somebody Do something nice for me when you're a recipient In recent years, Amit and his colleagues have started to ask how they can help people overcome the pro sociality paradox. One experiment conducted with Nick Eppley at the University of Chicago points in a useful direction So it turns out that these acts are pretty easy. They don't necessarily involve lots of effort. They're the types of things that you can do in just a matter of minutes. Folks have been making the case for two decades now that expressing gratitude improves well being. And yet again, we don't, you know necessarily walk around in our daily lives giving thanks to people all that often and you know, that makes a scientist curious as to Well, why don't we And so One of the ways that we investigated this was by having participants sort of write a gratitude letter to somebody else who had impacted them in some way And we again, had those participants make predictions about how their recipient would feel as a result of their letter And what we found when recipients told us how they really felt and we kind of compare those responses to expectations was that Senders significantly underestimated how surprised recipients would be about why they were grateful. They overestimated how awkward or uncomfortable recipients would feel, and they didn't realize just how positive it would feel to be on the receiving end of one of these letters. I understand that you use a similar exercise when you teach. What do you ask your students to do Yeah, so it's essentially participating in this experiment. So they write a letter to somebody else, they make a prediction about how that person will feel. We contact their recipients, we find out how they really feel. And I kind of show the data to the students in my class. I think what's powerful for the students is that they learn that they exhibit the same effects that have been found in published research replicated these results kind of time and time again. I suspect that it's useful or this research might be more meaningful. It might potentially have a bigger impact on one's own life if you kind of Participate directly if you experience it yourself rather than just kind of hearing about the results from experiments you didn't participate in Professors at other universities have adopted Amit's letter writing exercise. He sometimes hears stories about how it's impacted students One story stands out to him. an international student studying at a Canadian university I decided to write a letter to his mother thanked her for everything that she had done for him. And at the end of his letter he wrote the words, I love you. and he realized that he had never said that to his mom before. And his mother's response started with U withith four words back, I love you too Imagine sort of hearing that from your mom after the first time that you told her that. That's a particularly powerful example, of course, but it's actually not an unusual reaction. So we've done this with you lots and lots of participants at this point. and I've had participants in our studies and in my class kind of write to me telling me that they were ecstatic, that were bubbling over with joy after receiving a letter of appreciation. That's not the usual type of comment that a researcher gets in the open ended feedback when they're asking someone to complete a questionnaire So after studying this phenomenon for many years onmth, I understand that there are things that you have done in your own life to make it easier and more automatic for you to reach out a helping hand Tell me about those things. What do you do I'd say that I probably have started expressing gratitude more often in my day to day life as a result of sort of conducting this research. You know, all of this work is just an attempt to get a better understanding of our everyday lives and how they might be improved. And so What makes us more likely to express gratitude? Well, we know that people are more likely to do something if it's kind of top of mind, if we can think about a clear way to get it done. And so one thing that I do is I just have cards on hand. It's an easy reminder to me more than like the stationary itself, it's just, oh yeah, I could express gratitude to somebody else. why not go ahead and do it. The research, of course, suggests that People are more impacted by these expressions than we expect. Sometim ago Amit found himself at an airport with an opportunity to practice the ideas that he preaches So I was waiting at the gate I happen to be sitting Um next to a woman who is clearly getting frustrated with something on her phone Um She tried asking a couple of folks nearby for help in Spanish without much luck And so in doing so, I kind of learned that she didn't really speak English Um, I guess in as side, mind you, the last time I took a Spanish class was in eleventh grade. so I'm probablyb always, you know, listeners can't see gray in my beard on a podcast, but that was a while ago. And so you know, I'm probably always speaking in the present tenents, not not really communicating effectively. And so this is a case where I think concerns about competence really loomed large here. I have very little confidence in my ability to effectively communicate in Spanish. But nevertheless, and sort of knowing my own research, I thought I'd just try to help her as best I could. And so In my in my broken Spanish, I kind of pieced together that she was traveling to the U.S. for the first time. she was trying to get in touch with her brother to pick her up when she landed And she needed to connect to the Wi Fi in order to sort of talk to him on WhatsApp. She had an international phone Conecting to the free airport Wi Fi required kind of filling out one of those standard forms with like your email address and your zip code, things that some people are very accustomed to doing, but others might not be I guess I'll mention that I have no clue how to say zip code in any other language besides besides English And so after a few failed attempts at explaining sort of what she needed to do, she just kind of handed me her phone. I ended up filling out the form with my own sort of personal contact information to get her connected. You know, it was a kind of broken conversation, but I piece together, she was kind of telling me how nervous she was traveling. She made it clear how appreciative she was of my help, kind of allowing her to interact with her brother I don't know if I would have done that if I wasn't studying topics like these in my research. It's kind of easy to to stay reserved. Maybe someone else will help. I don't want to get involved. That's those are the thoughts that sometimes enter our minds, but This is something that obviously left her feeling positive and it actually made me feel really good too. And so Those I think are exactly the kinds of actions that U perhaps all of us should be engaging in a bit more often Think about the last time a stranger showed you a small kindness. Maybe someone brought you your wallet after you left it on a coffee shop counter O perhaps fellow travevelers let you cut ahead of them in line. When you are late for a flight How do these gestures make you feel As we heard in today's episode, small acts of kindness often have an outsized impact on us That's partly because they show that another person has seen us A listener named Jessica recently called in with a story about one such act of kindness About a decade ago, Jessica was struggling with loneliness and depression She felt like she was lost in an abyss I remember just thinking to the people who I am around, they're just constantly disappointed by me. They're constantly telling me all the things that I just can't get right and it had been building up so much that The burden was much too heavy One day, a group of coworers gathered around her I just remember them saying, what's going on with you What's going on with you? like Something's really wrong now And I just remember being like, nothing, everything's okay. What are you talking about? And then It was about six of them that just stood around me and said, what's wrong with you? We see that something's going on, donon't lie. and we see you And I remember thinking like, what do you mean? You see me And they're like, ye, we see you. We know that you're lying. We know that something's wrong, We see you. Jessica had felt dismissed by her friends and family But now, these coworkers were sending her a different message. And for that I am very grateful and because of them I'm still alive today and for the rest of my eternity here on Earth, we'll be grateful to those individuals for doing that to me There are some things we all need in life Fward Water We also have a need that's harder to define but is vital to our survival We need to feel We matter When we come back Storyies about the importance of feeling seen and heard You're listening to Hiddenra I' Sha Carv V Dana. Boost Unforgettable backackyard Barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak And stock up on bug sprays and sunca must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Still wait in line Again That's time you will never get back. Save time and money with stamps dot comot Over four million businesses have skipped the line with stamps dot comot Join them to save up to ninety percent of carrier rates from your computer or phone right now Print posted for certified mail, registered mail, and packages in seconds. thenen schedule a pickup right from your home or office. For a limited time, go to stamps d. com and use code podcast for a free welcome gift. Taxes and peace up. This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedanta Humans are social creatures. We want to feel like we belong But we also create something even deeper We want to fear We matter. The psychologist Gordon Flett is the author of The Psychology of Matric. understanding the human need to be significant. He recently joined us for an episode titled Do you feel invisible? Today, he responds to your questions and comments about the importance of feeling seen. I'm Gordon Flt, welcome to Hidden Bra Well, thanks for having me, Shunker. I appreciate it In Gort you study what you call mattering. What do you mean by that term Mattering is feeling valued by other people so you feel that you are seen and heard and valued and and really cared about so that people would miss you if you were no longer around. And that is a feeling that can be one that really sticks with you and influences other positive feelings. What have you found about the effects of mattering on our physical and emotional health The physical side is important to underscore because there are now about ten studies indicating that mattering is associated with better health both in terms of subjective self reports, but also in terms of some objective indicators, such as blood pressure. functioning body chemicals and so on But also it's related to our positive feelings. It predicts happiness and engagement and enjoyment at extreme levels, pure and unadulterated joy But the flip side of that, of course, is when we don't feel that sense, then we'd be prone to anxiety and depression, loneliness and other negative mental health states What do you think explains the physical effects of mattering? I mean, the emotional effects of mattering seem more straightforward and intuitive. Why do you think it's having an effect on our physical wellbeing People who are house likeych just talk about things that get under the skin. I think that mattering gets under the skin in terms of just providing, first of all, a sense of calmness and lack of stress People who are high in mattering are more able to cope and are resilient and adaptable. So I think that's part of it. But also there's a sense of security and safety that comes from knowing that people care about you and would miss you if you're gone and are looking out for you. And at the bottom of that is the sense of identity that you see yourself as someone who actually is cared about and is connected to other people. So I think there's multiple things that are going on beneath the skin But also there's just a basic feeling of calmness and the capacity of knowing that when trouble ensues and stresses coming your way that you'll be able to get through it pererhaps by calling on some of the people who have given you that sense of mattering in the first place A listener named Bill Roden with a hypothesis about where the human need to matter comes from. He writes, The need to matter is important because of the need for individuals to be a member of a group in good standing Group membership was important for survival when humans lived in small tribal or family groups It has become more of a problem in modern times since our groups have become much larger and more complex. What do you think of Bill's hypothesis, Gord? Could our drive to feel like we matter have An evolutionary origin. I believe there is some component to that in terms of our basic need to connect with others but we want to make sure that we're connecting with others in a way that gives us that sense of safety and security I also think though that beyond the group connection is that one to one connection, mattering is tied into our sense of attachment. And when you look at what fosters good attachment, many of the same mechanisms are involved in terms getting the attention and the care and the responsiveness of the caregivers early on in life. So there's a hardwired component that's built in very early. pererhaps there's an evolutionary sense as Bill has suggested, but also that deep sense of security that comes from having those connections with caring providers who You know one's mother, one's father, grandfather, grandmother, whoever it is. And you know, I've been looking at the work of John Bolby recently, the famous attachment theorist and he doesn't talk about mattering per se, but he talks about the care that comes with attachments because he warned us that attachments can also be bad attachments to people who are not optimal parents and When you're a more optimal parent and responsive caregiver, you're focused on meeting the emotional needs in addition to the physical needs For God we heard from many listeners with personal stories about matterattering David is eighty one years old and has worked for a while as a hospice chaplain being there patients and loved ones walking with them during the end of life. I saw my impact. And I learned that at end of life, people are not so worried about dying but are more worried of whether their life mattered. and whether their life had meaning I once told a paralyzed Parkinson patient who cannot speak or swallow that he was giving a gift to his family. by his not being able to care for himself His family had to stop their normal life. and look at what was important to them and the importance of showing their love to him by caring for him. I thanked him for his gift that he was giving and then tears roll down his cheeks He had seen that he hit didid matter and that his life E paralyzed still had meaning That's a remarkably moving story, Gord. I'm wondering, do you find that our need to matter is greatest in moments like these when We received a serious health diagnosis and we feel very vulnerable. Yes, that certainly is the case, and I thank David for sharing that with us. It's so important to underscore these important concepts and needs when people are at that stage in life I know in our original discussion, I talked about this in terms of my experiences in the hospital with a nurse who remarkably showed me the caring that I needed after a very close death Oh on I think that these are the things that people think about when they're worried about their longevity and the possibility of not being with us anymore. I've seen and heard some remarkable stories from nurses about people in such circumstances very much in line with what David said, and I can share that my mother in law was in a home in terms long term care and had one of the best nurses in the world. person was so sensitive to the fact that people needed to know that they were cared about right to the end and When my mother in law passed, unfortunately this person was off that day. and she came in the next day because we were then tasked with having to immediately clear out my mother in law's room And she was actually crying and saying, you know, I wanted to be here for your day when you needed me the most. And it just meant so much to us And I'm sure that My mother in law had a much better time in that facility because of having the experiences with this person who had just light up when she came into the room when she saw her or the family members You know, listening to David's story, it seems clear that his work as a hospice chaplain also gives him a feeling that he matters. I think many of us assume that jobs like David's are impossibly difficult. but in fact, many people who do hospice work find it to be incredibly meaningful Can you speak to the power of bearing witness as a source of matter ringord Yes, I think there's a power to the bearing witness, but there's also the power of directly impacting people and knowing that you have done something for them in one of their greatest times of need The originator of the hospice concept said that essentially you matter to the end of your days and it's the slogan that is embraced at hospices around the world And you know, the value is clearly there in terms of people recognizing it staff members. One thing that happened when When my mother in law had passed and they were taking her out in terms of, you know the hurse is waiting there is that the staff lines up on both sides and they clap for the person and they cheer as the final goodbye to their experience with that person And of course We went around and we thanked everybody we could right there on the spot so that they would get that direct feeling of knowing that what they did for us really mattered would continue to matter to us until The end of time, really It can be very moving to hear stories of someone who feels seen by another person. It can be equally painful to hear stories of people who've experienced the opposite Here's a message we received from a listener who also happens to be named David. For nearly thirty years, I was a firefighter paramedic Early on in my career, I was diagnosed with job related PTSD Diagnosis went acknowledged and was completely ignored by my administration and chief officers within the agency In twenty nineteen, I attempted suicide as a direct result of my job related PTSD I went away to residential treatment and came back and upon my return to work I was never acknowledged by any member of administration or by any chief officer oftentimes, many of the guys that I had worked with for decades would get up and leave the room when I came in I lasted for about two weeks before I went off on permanent sick leave where I stayed for about a year before retiring during that time Nobody reached out to me And I never felt more alone And I had become suicidal again during that time It's been almost five years since I've retired and in that time, I've been able to strong connections with the first responder community. through the firefighters' Union, I host recovery meetings. connect with them wherever I can in hopes to prevent would ever happened to me to ever happening to another first responder Thank you Gold What strikes me about David's experience is that his feeling of not being seen when he came back to work powerfully this shaped his ability to stay in the workplace It's also striking that David found significance in interacting with people who have gone through a similar life experience in his retirement Are we more likely to find mattering with others who we sense are like us? Yes, definitely there' something to be said for identifying people who seem to have been through the same thing that we have been through and then doing something to help them so that you get that sense of feeling through being valued in terms of In the case of David hosting recovery meetings and doing things for his colleagues and his peers who he could identify with. I just wanted to thank Did for sharing that story in terms of getting a sense of openness of what kind of pain can be involved And other people out there will know that they're not alone because they may have been through something very similar. I actually have just finished a paper that's about to come out where I talk about when that sense of not mattering becomes escalated point of experiencing what I've termed unbearable insignificance And it's a sad story that You know, when people aren't attuned to the fact that somebody might be feeling this way S of at times, I think it's because people think, well, they're stoic, they've learned to handle these things, but everybody is human. And in that paper, I talk about there seems to be critical moments when people have got to the point where they say, I really need somebody to respond and validate how I'm feeling and see how I'm feeling or checking in on me far too often as we found out with David there that they don't and then You know, just a little bit of appreciation or thoughtfulness can go an incredibly long way. I heard another story recently of a family member who returned to a job after being off and on leave for a bit of time And the workplace had lost track of him and forgot that he actually was coming back that day And he was there on two days online for it was online work And it was like he was a total ghost. And all takes is a little bit of thoughtfulness where people are thinking at the top and you know, management level who's where and who's coming back? And for those who are wondering, well, do we have time for this? Well, you have to think about the time that you would need to find somebody to replace these people because inevitably that hurt feeling can translate into health and mental health issues that result in needing to find someone else for these roles. so You know, there's a lot to unpack there in terms of what David told us, but The key takeaway I'd like people to focus on is that He got back to a more hopeful approach by doing things that could make a difference for others and from a perspective that others could relate to And we do have to remember that people who are in these vital roles in society can find ways through notot getting the kinds of interaction or the acknowledgement or the recognition. they deserve to end up feeling like they don't matter at all and then Thinking some very dark thoughts You've said that we need to be especially sensitive to feelings of mattering when we or others are going through significant life transitions such as retirement Talk about this idea, Godord. Wh is it these transitions affect us so deeply When we have a transition, we get very uncertain about ourselves. Some of these transitions include being away from those people who we're close to who usually provide us our daily sense of mattering. But I've found that if people are able to develop a sense of what I call mattering where it's not conditional on anything. It's just you being you and you matter to people, that that will carry forward and help you in these situations. Some of it is when you're in a new situation, you're faced with all kinds of differentnt feelings and senses of arousal. And u, The people with a feeling of mattering have a capacity to manage their emotions and to calm down. and to keep faith in themselves and in their surroundings and in their extended social network that they'll be able to get through and be able to deal with most of the transitions Unfortunately, of course, there are the transitions where we actually have lost someone So there's a loss of mattering and that of course, is more of a challenge, but still I find that Once somebody has made you feel that you're important, you tend to carry that around and Once you get past the grief, you're more able to be able to remember positive connection and why that person felt that way about you. the first place and that will help carry you forward. Wh we come back How to find ways to matter You're listening to hiddenra I'm Shan Kar R Dant Toast unforgettable backackyard barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages, and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak And stock up on bug sprays and sunca must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Still wait in line Again That's time you will never get back. Save time and money with stamps dot comot Over four million businesses have skipped the line with stamps dot comot Join them to save up to ninety percent of carrier rates from your computer or phone right now Print posted for certified mail, registered mail, and packages in seconds. then schedule a pickup right from your home or office. For a limited time, go to stamps d. com and use code podcast for a free welcome gift. Taxes and pease upine This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Ved Danto Feeling seen is an important driver of human flourishing Feeling lonely or insignificant by contrast can lead to depression, anxiety, even violence. Psychologist Gordon Flatt studies the implications of what he calls Mating Gcord, let's talk about how mattering affects and is affected by our relationships. Here is listener and Really good, happy Long term relationships seem to depend on maintaining a sense of equal mattering in order to successfully continue I've been married for more than thirty five years and I confess that after the glow of feeling in love wore off, It turns out that my husband and I have completely different ways of communicating how we matter to each other. But I'm wondering if it's possible then Making another person feel that they matter to you is a skill that can be learned and that requires mindfulness and maybe some work in order to improve So a two part question here, Gord. how can we foster more mattering in our relationships? and how can we develop the ability to make other people feel like they matter, how can we develop this as a skill I think the first important thing to say here is that We need to be mindful of mattering and Anne refer to that in terms of mindfulness. but I think we need to be mindful of mattering and not take people for granted or let them feel like they're being taken for granted by not just telling them that they matter, but showing them in terms of you know unexpected considerations, thoughtful gestures, because people no matter how long they've been together need a reminder that they're still cared about and things might be different in many respects, but that's core sense of being somebody who's cared about is still there. I saw a recent analysis of long term marital adjustment showed that in divorced couples the u main thing that seemed to predict it was that they still said they were in love with their former partner, but they had developed a sense of dissatisfaction. And I think the dissatisfaction is something that comes from not getting daily reminders or weekly reminders through whatever means that there can be sometimes just showing appreciation for people. know that Things go better at home for us when I acknowledge the things the many things that my wife does because she tends to show her caring and mattering of me and her family members through the things that she does rather than you know emotional expressions necessarily, but expressing appreciation and recognizing that what somebody is doing is making a difference is critical in this because people will like, okay, well I am now just being taken for granted As for Anne's comment aboutat, a question about Could you be trained to do this? There are certain things. I think first of all, just becoming aware of mattering and having it as a lens to look at relationships is a very positive thing. But you can just get into micro practices that you can do on a regular basis that will enhance somebody's sense of being seen and heard and respected learearning how to listen to somebody as opposed to looking at your phone and something that's called fubbing where you're not really engaged with somebody, you're sort of half listening because that will foster antim mattering rather than a chance to give a deep listening and responsive listening that can give sense of positive mattering Another key thing in terms of relationships that go beyond couples and partners is to having some time for people One of the things that consistently comes out in the research that's been done And this is that When somebody spends their time with you, they're giving up their time that they could be used for something else and even doing something like composing a note to somebody or dropping them a quick call is showing that you've been thinking about them and you're taking the time to do it rather than, oh, I'll get around to it or you know, why haven't I heard from somebody when I thought I would hear from them. So there's things you can do and then I think just fostering an environment where you make it a much more salient thing in terms of mattering is a good thing as well, not only for relationships but for organizations Now the feeling of matraing would intuitively seem to be inherently relational experience a sense of significance by matchattering to other people But several listeners called in to make the point that this might not always be a positive Here is Susanne, who is a therapist and an ordained minister Over the past three years, I've experienced what I would call a period of invisibility After dismantling a twenty year psychotherapy practice and leaving my home clients and community to relocate and build a new ministry with my former husband The partnership collapsed almost immediately. He left to serve elsewhere And I found myself in a new city professionally and socially unanchored rebuilding from the ground up in midlife What sustained me during that time was something I would call developing an internal witness E when there wasn't visible affirmation, or external validation I consciously connected to the knowledge that I mattered to my son. to my granddaughter evenven to my dog That sense of being held in love even if imagined at times stabilized me Over time, I realized that while it's essential to gather with others and to have people who believe in the value of our journey There are seasons when that external witnessing isn't readily available in those seasons, cultivating an internalized sense of being seen. becomes a psychological lifeline And G, what you make of Suzanne's strategy of creating an internal witness to her own life Yeah, I think it's a brilliant strategy and a fabulous concept because that's exactly what people need to do, especially during those times when You know, they res you know relied on external validation, they are in a spot where they're alone or isolated and they may not have these people, such as when people are in a transition like moving to a new town you know, where they don't have the usual set of people in their environment to call on right away. The internal witness part is critical though, and I think it's related to the notion of eventually learning to matter to yourself as well. People do need to remind themselves of the ways that they have mattered and they continue to matter to various people. and this can be family members, other people in the community, but it can also be to pets and to the community in general When I talk about Mindful mattering. this is what I mean in terms of reminding yourself at times and just reflecting on The ways that you still matter and have mattered and know that you still have the capacity to matter and that you can perhaps build up some more relationships so that you can have the external witnesses as well. At the end of the day, mattering is something that's very subjective. It's inside of us. People are often incorrect where they feel that they matter less than they actually do or they ' got an inflated sense of mattering that doesn't tap into how they're actually regarded by other people. But at the end of the day, people need to matter to themselves and to reflect on what makes them unique and how they have contributed and uh When somebody is in a situation maybe through illness or injury where they're feeling that you know, they've lost the opportunity to matter. It does have some comfort for them to remind themselves that They have made a difference. and I also believe that they will find a way to show that they matter going forward. know as an illustration of this, you can look at people in the disability community, including essentially the mother of the disability movement, Judy Human in the United States, who was instrumental and fundamental in getting the rights for disabled community You know, she started out and had polio as a kid and ended up actually being barred from going to school initially because she was told that her and her wheelchair were fire hazards. But she was able to convince herself through through the support of her initial family that she still had a role to play. And I'm sure there were times when she was thinking, well, I'm up against this in terms of an anti mattering society who treats people with disabilities as if they're invisible or discardable, but she was able to remind herself of the ways that she could indeed make a difference We heard from a listener named Elizabeth who wrote in to say that between being a woman, being disabled And being gay, she feels invisible It makes me think or especially in light of what you just said that while a sense of not mattering can affect any of us, people in some groups may be especially vulnerable Yes. so Although we talk about levels of mattering overall in terms of who matters and who doesn't in terms of has the feeling of mattering. And I'd like to point out to listeners that About seventy, seventy five percent of people have some sense of a feeling of mattering. But when we talk about people from marginalized groups or stigmatized groups The level of feeling of not mattering, the anti mattering escalates. and as one illustration of this In terms of research done in the U. S in terms of community feeling of mattering among adolescents and young adults It's about fifty fifty in terms of the feeling of mattering in the community. That's a very sad number when you think about it. And a lot of wellbe would come along from making more people have a chance to feel like they matter in the community But when we look at people from the LGBTQ plus community, we find that the levels of mattering in the community plummet down to about one out of three and some of those studies It've been done So when people are needing to be thoughtful about others and reaching out and sending the message that everybody counts, it's important to think about people who might feel like they're targets for not mattering. and to be extra engaged in terms of trying to address their needs come back How to show another person that they matter? while also maintaining healthy boundaries 're listen to Hiden Bra I' Sean Carvee De. Toast unforgettable backyard barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market. Get the good times going with made in house chicken or pork sausages and ready to cook kebabs for hassle free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries and peaches at their peak. And stock up on bug sprays and suncare must haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Sta Again That's time you will never get back. Save time and money with stamps d. comot Over four million businesses have skipped the line with stamps dot com. Join them to save up to ninety percent of carrier rates from your computer or phone right now Print posted for certified mail, registered mail, and packages in seconds. thenen schedule a pickup right from your home or office. For a limited time, go to stamps. com and use code podcast for a free welcome gift. Teaxas and pease appine This is Hidd Brain. I'm Shankar Ved Danta Gordon Fleatt is a psychologist at York University in Canada He's the author of the Psychology of Matic understanding the human need to be significant As we've discussed, Gord, it's important for us as individuals to feel like we matter But some listeners want to know how to place limits or another person's need to feel seen Here's listener, Alison. Last night, my daughter, nearly sixteen year old came home and was complaining about a boy who kept sending her text messages And she's learned that this boy has a crush on her. and she' nice to him at school And he's trying to learn Italian and she speaks Italian And so he checks in with her on that and sends her his duolingo results But she's frustrated because he keeps texting and she's not responding And she was frustrated in a way I remember being frustrated As a young woman, maybe until I was married And that is that you really do want to respond to kindness, you want these young men To feel seen by you But every time you resespond in a way that is kind. that you make eye contact that you say, great job on your duolingo It's red in a sexual way And my daughter was struggling. with How to Make it clear to him that she wasn't interested in him, but also to be kind She felt like she was going to be forced into either the sort of ghosting, right? not responding, not making eye contact or ultimately having to say, I don't like you The effects of that, of course, most boys take that well But some boys don't take that well. And I think we have the sort of growth of this K kind of, I guess, in cell is a kind of sloppy way to describe this culture boys who feel entitled to women's attention and then very angry when they aren't seen by them So Gord, Allison understands that everyone needs to feel seen, but she also wonders how we can balance the needs of the seer with those are the scenes. What do you think It's a very difficult situation because it is the case that some people have an excessive need to matter And the more they get, the more they need, it seems. And that seems to be the case here you know, hits home as well for me because my daughter's name is Alison and I know that she had an experience that was not very different from this one when she started high school I think the only thing you can do is you just have to be straight with someone and tell them that you know you like them as a person, but you're not necessarily interest in them in the way that they might like. But you know this is not going to necessarily land well no matter how politely you put it, but at least you're being upfront with someone and showing that you care enough about them to be straight with them rather than, you know, telling them something that could be too extreme in terms of harshness, but or too encouraging. It's very unfortunate when people are at odds with this type of situation I once was coming home from San Francisco Airport and The fellow who dropped me off at the airport said to me, I just picked you up and Are you coming from a psychology conference? And are you a psychologist? I said, Well, I'm not a clinical psychologist, but you know, I am in psychology. And he says, So then he proceeds to tell me that, you know, he's got a partner who's an older woman and she wants to get married, but he has told her repeatedly he's not interested in this What can he do to try and make her realize that it's not a long term situation that that they're in and And I told them that you just have to be you know, right up front with her and hope that she'll understand, but try to do it in a way that will leave some people some psychological cushions to say that, you know, it's not that they're not a nice person or they're not attractive to other people. It's just that that's not how you see them and how you like to interact with them And u You just need to find a way to do it in a way that will not humiliate somebody. Yeah I think Allison's point is well taken though, which is that I think there are some roles and perhaps young women have to experience this in particular But it's not limited to young women. It's also people who play certain roles. If you're a psychotherapist, if you're a doctor peopleople expect you to constantly be able to give them attention, to show that you care. And I have a friend who's actually a therapist who's often exhausted by the end of the day, you know, actually practicing. It almost feels like know he doesn't have more mattering to give, if you will to other people Yes, ye That's an important point because there is a link between burnout and mattering, but most people are thinking about it in terms of You know, well, I wasn't doing something that was effective. I wasn't making a difference But you can make too much of a difference. And this is something that was talked about in work by Nancy Slossberg, who's talked about mattering and retirement. and the need to feel appreciated and O the people that she surveyed, she found that caregivers were the only ones who said, hey, you know, there's a problem when mattering goes too far because I feel like I'm being used up and it's never enough and the more I give, the more that is needed And people have to be good to themselves at this point. I think that regarding your friend there and others that