OnlyFans and Unusual Side Hustles

Hey besties, Dr. Lindsey here. We are taking a little bit of a break this week because it's the holiday weekend coming up. We've got life to live, but we guarantee you that it will be worth a week off for the stories that we come back with next time. So enjoy this replay from February of twenty twenty six , talking about sandwiches on your face. Because what else would we be talking about? Bai I swallow ? Oh, it's okay for you to get a facial from the salmon, but I can't swallow the jiss . And one world is not okay for me to swallow That's party . Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Honestly Smartless. I'm Chelsea Toronto and I'm Dr. Lindsey and welcome. Each week we're just two dumb girls chit chatting away sometimes, her smart, always hilarious . I want to start this week with a PSA. Please get your butts checked . I'm listening . Two celebrities recently passed away from rectal cancer. Oh yeah. Yeah. James Vanderbeek. I know it was really sad. I know . And Katherine O'Hara. She died from a pulmonary embolism, but it was a complication to her cancer. She looked very skinny at the end. I didn't know . You're like, she looks fabulous. Look at how skinny she is. No, no, no, not at the end. No. She looked frail. I will have my butt. I gotta check your ass when you talk to me. So one of my yoga instructors, she's telling me about her sixteen year old daughter. Her softball coach wants her to gain twenty pounds. No shit why ? In order to continue to play softball you need to be heavy. They are big girls . So at the age of sixteen , this coach was like, if you really want to be serious , you need to gain an additional twenty pounds. I'm not that serious. Her dad was like, M m, can we talk about this for a second? Hang on . Oh, look who's Oh look, little sunny girl in here haven't been on an adventure in a minute . Did you want to come up here? She's giving you the look. Oh Mash, they're both in here come on come on, I'll hold you . No, bye so dad is like, Hi, can we maybe talk about this? And mom's like, no, body positivity and whatever speak s to you, I think you should embrace this. Coming from a skinny ass mom . I was like that seems extreme . That seems really extreme for a high school sport. Is she planning on going pro? I don't know but at sixteen, does anyone know? No. And like what are the odds? You don't know your career in sports. What's the difference if it's a guy or a girl you gotta gain twenty pounds if you want to play? I think it's neglig ent . Mm m one hundred and seventy then. She's going to be one hundred and seventy . Okay, well, hopefully she's muscular and she's not fat . When they say put on twenty pounds, they're talking musc le. She must not be strong enough . I don't know, I didn't love it . And we weren't necessarily seeing Eda Eye on it. However, what we were seeing Ida I on , she's like, Oh, one of my students came to me and was like, Hey , I think I saw Chelsea at Ballet . She's the one with the podcast, right? She's like, Do you know? I was like, No, I didn't know anyone in ballet . We had a big time then. I was like, that's a dream and you might call it a wet one because holy shit . Show , there's that. Hey, Lindsey, do you have any cozy critter stories to tell us this week? I don't know, do I? I think you do. A thing to tell us about salmon ? Oh, I do . I got a facial yesterday and part of the facial and the microneedling is that you get part of a salmon put on your face. Do you know what part of the salmon you get put on your face? No , sperm . I got salmon jiz all over my face yesterday and then she like needles it in. So it really penetrates deep. You trying to fill in the pores . There's no plan B for this. It just has to take . She kept on saying, I'm going to put salmon DNA on your face. Okay? Are you okay with the salmon DNA? I was like, are you saying that you're putting salmon sperm on my face . She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lindsey called me. She's like, So I have sandwiches on my face . And then I was thinking about it. I was like , How do they get the sperm? Out of the salmon? That's why I'm thinking. All these great hills ladies were using salmon sperm. I just see them giving little salmon hand job exactly . I'm like catching it . All of a sudden there's an influx of rich ladies going fly fishing These lady retreats where you go fish for your own salmon at night in the cabin with your personal chef, you're just giving them a little hand job . Yeah, I actually order my own saltwater tank and I now am the proud owner of two salmons . You're like, Did you projectiles? You like catch it on your face? Don't give me a nang . Oh my God . And their sperm is so cute. It's pink. They how adorable . You think it's salmon dyed pink? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Okay, in my mind, the jizz comes out pink because that's what makes it so cute . Okay, I don't want to ruin that for you. I feel like the salmon has dyed pink. Like, do they dye the sperm? Maybe that dye penetrates their little salmon skin . Probably, but I'm gonna choose to believe that it just comes out pink and pretty and the salmon are choosing to share their jiz with the world to reverse age the ladies of cherry hills . So every day I call you and I'm like, Hey, so I have sandwiches on my face Couldn't maybe one just take , I don't know , krill oil ? No. Why not? Not the same. In what world is it not the same? That's oil and this is chiz . Fish oil you ingest? Uh huh . The fish oil is more omega three and it's a fatter molecule. Okay , that's bolog because you can take omega three s . Yeah, but I'm saying the molecules of the omega three omega six are too big to penetrate into your skin. Like if you put on top itically it's not, really gonna soak in. What if you ingest it? Well, yeah, then you're like building it from the inside out. Yeah. So couldn't I just swallow some jiz? No, I don't think so. Why can't you swallow the salmon? Oh, it's okay for you to get a facial from the salmon, but I can't swallow the jiss . In one world is not okay for me to swallow the salmon hearts cut all of your faint. She's literally literally getting salmon facials but I can't swallow. No , when I tried them off, he didn't care if I swallowed it. I cut it with my eyes , if I cut it with my face, he's like, It's worth more on your face. Then you eat him . Respectfully, I don't try him out . Nothing left to give You just throw the skins at your dog and be like, have your way with it. Have the leftover collagen or whatever's left in there. Their hair is better than mine 'cause I won't eat the skins. Now we sound like the people who eat babies . Maybe they know something we don't . They look pretty good. They do. They're reverse aging. I think it's a baby skin fluid . Chicken leg there. A little fatty. What's the deal with that? With eating babies? Yeah I think they actually take their blood or something and drink the blood . What ? I think this is what they do. You like take out all the blood from your own body or as much as you can, and then you take the baby's blood and like put it into your body so then you have like fresh baby blood . Not a toxin sight . Yeah . And then I don't know, they barbecue up their legs and eat them later. Okay, so the question I have is as long as they've been doing this we',ve been h iding it. It's always been a cover up, but in the back of our minds, we just assumed they were doing something nefarious , just like this . Where do we go from here ? Like what other horrible deplorable things are they doing ? They're like, Oh, we need to hide this from society because we're a secret cult . Oh, well then I think it's a secret cult of vampires In the middle of the night today's episode drinking blood and any which way forward, they can get it. Then they're robbing the plasma banks . But like, what else is worse than eating babies ? To keep yourself young or in general. Oh Oh seriously , like we discovered, quote unquote, that they have rituals and they sacrifice. But like, what else is worse than this ? Well, is the sacrificing the baby worse? Like what eating the baby? I just feel speaking of jiz, I feel like this is this current environment , but I feel like they blew their load by releasing all this information about the abuse of against children and like the blood sacrifice. But what else is there? Like what else? What other bad things are you doing Do you know what I mean? Yeah , I don't know. They're in like some satanic cult and they prayed to the devil and they sold their soul. But is there anything worse than that? Is there anything worse? I mean, probably not. What can be worse? That's what I'm wondering. Sacrificing animals ? Nah, they love animals. They don't give a fuck about babies. They do not like children. They hate children more than you do. Oh, wow I feel sorry for everyone else I read I'll say okay she's fine. It was like the baby. I wonder if you have adoption clinics and they're farmed out . Oh, just like farming out babies? Yeah, like, hey, I'm giving my baby up for adoption. Oh, and you get paid a million dollars. No , well, yeah, sure, you're getting paid forty forty thousand dollars, but then are they really going to a family or are they going to your local politician slash celebrity they're robbing the baby face . I'm just sure like this politician old white man is sitting at his mahogany desk in his office. There's leather pound folks . You'd have allowed to come in without knocking on the door? Yeah, it's like fatherather . F, father we have a fresh one . And they like roll in the old timy like crib . Does this meet your standard ? What's the fat content on that one? They're pretty fatty . And then the nurse comes in and there's an IV hooked up to the baby and then it's hooked up to the old white man. I feel like it's a possible at this point, anything is possible . Yeah, and then later on they have that delicacy for dinner in a stew . What about baby jits Babies can't have jits. Why not? Because their bowls haven't dropped yet . Haven't made any sperm yet. I thought that was just dog There balls have I don't know, I don't know. I act like I know. I'm like, I think that's what I said the other night like your vocal cords don't develop as a man's like yeah because your balls never drops. Well sure I've heard that in jest . Could you give them a baby blow jump? Like a baby hand jump? Who? No That's so wrong. No, but they do it . Yeah, they do. If they do that in a baby , kinda . Well, it's right up there. It's like neck and neck there They're neck and It's just so bad . Oh God, that was like baby porn like you. Oh no, it's like what's worse than no, it's not porn is like mainstream. What's worse than like B what's BDSM? Yeah . B BTSM . They're a little like tiny masks . They're a little tiny whip the ball in their mouth. The ball is a pacifier. No, the Yeah, they're like sucked out on the pacifier. Like ban the leather chains across their placement instead of a red ball. It's a pacifier. It's a red pacifier pacifier shoot . Oh boy golly wins. I don't know why such shoot Yikes, right? I'm just wondering like, this is it. What else is left in those files? You know how like peptides are the hot new thing? Glutothione, NAD plus, whatever, whatever. I'm like, Where are you getting those from? The babies. The babies , the babies that have been given up for adoption. Yeah. They're like , that's baby juice. They've got the plastic gloves up to their elbows with the plastic sheets and they're just with the what's that saw? And on the market you can buy legs or an arm , the torts , one finger at a time . Hang on it. Like shrimp cocktail . Oh , shout out to Catherine O'Hara from Beetlejuice because there was a shrimp cocktail. I don't know that one. You don't even know the movie. I don't know the movie. This movie was a cult classic . No scary. I didn't like it. We were obsessed . I was just old enough to not be scared. Yeah, because we the Habie Jeebies . Yeah, again , it wasn't you weren't old enough. I wasn't old enough . It was everything. Oh, my father and I loved it because Harry Belafonte and that one scene where the shrimp cocktail comes out gra andbs them in the face. Oh my god . And then they're dancing and they're like, Day oh it was a classic That was so good. Oh wow. Okay . Somebody feels the same way that I do about this. Yes, they do. They're listening right now. And they're like, yeah, no, it was good. We liked it. Okay, have you been watching the Olympics? No, not really. Yeah. I saw the highlight reels. Okay, you know Jake Paul, you know, the YouTuber ? Yeah. I like how Tom Brady emasculated him. I know. That was great. He needed a little beat down. I love that Tom did it too. Tom What did he say? He was like, Well, you're not really an athlete . I was like, Yes, I am. He's like, well, you're not really an athlete . Okay, so Jake Paul's fiancee, her name is Jetta. Yes, I did see that that she won something. She's an Olympic speed skater. Isn't that incredible? That is wild. Yeah. A local influencer can be an Olympic medal winner. I don't know why we don't talk about her more often. I didn't really know she existed as an athlete. She won't let her in the limelight. He's like, Hey, this is about me. It sounds like my ex when he wouldn't let me speak in public. No, there's nothing to see here. She adds no value. I was like, That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I did see that. She's so pretty. She is pretty. That's probably why he married her . You know, I don't see a lot of really pretty Olympic athletes. That is true. They probably told her to gain an additional twenty pounds. And she was like, No, to be more aerodynamic, I think I'll stay skinny. Uh huh . But softball, you're a big burly girl. You are not skinny. What if can't you be strong and skinny? I don't know. those Apparently not. Apparently not. Maybe she's a catcher. She's got to be big . You know, my catcher of my salmon jizz I wonder how much I'm gonna order more sandwiches. It's gonna be like the amount of caviar. Why don't you just eat caviar or breakup? That's what it is . That's what it is. You just squish them, but that's very expensive. I imagine well, you don't think about this manufactured salmon sperm If you cut it up in the salmon, the sperm would be in there already. And you just scoop it out . Like papaya. Oh, we should try it. Like put the caviar and see what happens. Well, we' justre take the salmon like a whole salmon and you open it up and maybe in the testicles . Okay, I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and be like, do you have a whole salmon on you? I really need you to fillet it and I need to see we'll just do it together at home and then be like, where will YouTube it to see where does Sam live? Sam uel? Where's Sam live? Yes, Jake Paul's wife is really pretty and I'm happy that she won a medal. Same for once, she's in the spotlight. I know. And then did you see that other loser from Norway ? No, I didn't she made it to the Olympics. You' thirred place loser . Try harder . He won third place in cross country skiing. It's not even a real sport. And at his acceptance speech on the podium or at the press conference. He apologized to his girlfriend of a few months for cheating on her. He's like, I'm doing social suicide. Take me back. I'm so sorry. It's the worst mistake in my life. I'm so sorry I cheated on you. And she responded like no, good, good. It's like loser. Yeah, talk about loser . What about that guy from South Africa with the paper clip legs who accidentally in quotation marks shot his girlfriend through the door . I thought it was a robber so I just kept out shooting . I feel like when you're an Olympic athlete, you can do anything you want . Ask her something or something 's got no legs and motherfucker. He's like living with a lot . But it's kind of cute. He was handsome. Yes, he was loser Well, that's why your face was gone. Okay gosh, who was I gonna tell you? Somebody's claim to fame. They were saying their mom partied with one of the men blah blah blah. To what I'm talking about? Not a men and all the Mernendez brother. Oh Which one? The cute one. Wow, nice. The cute one She was like, Yeah, my mom did say he was kind of cute. She said my mom kind of said he didn't seem crazy at the time . Was it before he killed his parents or after? Before Mhm . Well, that's fun. I know. So close to a killer . Well, then I was like, well, Micha im to fame is I walked by OJ Simpson at the base of Vale Mountain, there's that little Mexican restaurant . And I walk by him my boyfriend at the time where I was like, Oh my gosh there is let's not go. He's like, don't worry about it, Chelsea. He only hurts the ones he loves . Mark safe Don't worry about it. He doesn't want you. Oh, wow. There's this other sport. It's not an Olympic sport yet, but maybe someday it will be . And the sport is called run it straight . Okay. So you have these grown men, one on one , grown three hundred pound men running from ten yards away and then they just bam dude. It's like clothes lining each other . It's like the Renaissance festival jousting. Just like jowsing with like no body armor, no like tools at all, just like, bam. I think they lead with their bellies . Because otherwise your noggin's gott haurt. Oh yeah, I saw it knocked out cold. Yeah, you gotta lead with your belly . But my idiot came up with this. Like you guys are so stupid. They eat baby legs when they're killing . Look at this chicken leg . A lot of baby legs for that much mass . Oh, the amount of CTE happening from that sport . Seriously. Yeah , they're like, NFL, we don't have time for you. We got these we got these knuckles over here. He's snuckling I wonder how much they're getting paid. sixty odd enough, sixty five thousand a year . I love my full time job to get paid sixty five thousand dollars a year to get knocked out . I have a good benefits of that because I was not enough. Yeah, health insurance . In dental Okay , oh, the coolest thing happened at Yoga. There's a challenge this month twenty or thirty and I chose to do twenty. I'm going to have to do two of days here come up real quick . Okay , so once you kind of get in the habit, it takes some of the lustre out of it. People who go maybe two or three times a week, you. You go think you're going into a sacred space, specifically yoga sculpt . So high energy, a little bit of yoga to stretch, but then we're weight, high intensity, very cardio based . So these people are coming in and they're quiet on their mat, blah blah blah. Well slowly people started bringing their phones and just watching their phones before they do it. But whatever, okay? Because in my mind , it's just a work out class. Thank you . So what I'm doing is I'm walking in with a full sweat outfit and my bose headphones and people think I'm nuts, but then it dawned on me and I'm like, No, I am just a gym girlie because that's what gym girlies wear when they go to that is what gym girlies wear. I've converted you to a gym girlly. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, I'm not I'm just out of place here. Oh my god, I'm like so influential. Oh goshh , o my gosh, have we not established that influence before? Look at me. I'm not real because of you There is nothing real on my body . Thanks to you. I did your hair, I did your makeup. Not only that, my nails aren't real, my hair's not real , my eyelashes aren't real, nothing . My weight. Okay, morphedium . So yes, you've influenced now infiltrated core power and make a workout space. And thing. I don't necessarily like the music they're using to get us hyped up or there's so much noise , so much chatter. I want to get in the zone before we get started. I mean, I look like a weirdo, but whatever. So now I'm dropping my mat, dropping my keys. I'm like, let's be honest, this isn't really a yoga class. Yeah. Okay, that's not the point. So I'm getting ready. I keep my headphones on until the end. Well, the funny thing is sometimes a teacher will be in there . I was like, Oh, it started because that I'm still listening to the count of Moniques down in the back pounds I'm right. I'm right there's like thirty eight hours. It's a full time job right there . Okay, that's not the point of this story , but it is accurate . Oh God , but this is what I have to say. I always take notice of the men that come in. There's only like two or three, and especially if they're hot. I'm just like , thank you. I mean, it's fun to look at them, but what's also exciting is to see that men are starting to catch on that this really is a workout. Not that I need men's approval, but I would love to see like it somewhat equal amount of people come in. Anyway , turns out the guy that came in was my ex's best friend. Like legitimately his best friend and you've met him. I have met him. So it's his best friend When's the last time you have seen said best friend? We were in a car together . Oh , oh yeah, three years ago. Yeah . , so I see him and I'm I kind of waved , but I have my hoodie on my sweatpants . You can literally see like maybe your eyeballs. Right. And I wave. And I didn't get a response. So then I was like, fuck that, I'm going to be like Lindsay and just not care . Yeah, I know okay. But it is my initial reaction to wave at people I know. , so I did that. That makes me very uncool. The problem is I'm actually creeping my way closer to the mirror because I am good , but now I am thinking not so much about the core power but I'm thinking about how does this look for ballet ? Oh a lot because I'm like I'm looking at my leg placement. I'm looking at my extension , I'm looking at all of those things . And so that same yoga teacher is trying to shame me. They're like, You don't have to flick that foot and you don't have to stretch that long. And when you're doing a forward fold, it's weird. Your legs are straight and I'm like, just let me live. So his best friend is there with a girlfriend . Wow , I'm crushing it Duh and I'm not looking in that direction. I'm taking it seriously and I'm done and as soon as the class is over, I throw all my stuff back on. I throw my headphones on and the music was so loud I'.m like , how can anybody find this relaxing after a hard workout? I'm not paying attention. You're being cool. I'm being a true cool girl . I'm not trying I know. I felt like it was a real drought mom ent, okay? I'm putting my weights away and I see someone on the corner of my eye like waiting to talk to me. This does happen a little bit these days. Yeah . And he's like , Yosi, hi. And I'm like oh, hey , Brad Do you go here ? He's like I thought that was you. I just I didn't know. And I was like, Oh yeah, yeah. It's like normally we go to DTC, but the timing didn't work out. So we came over here and I was like, well, that's great. Well, I'll see you around sometime, okay? One of two things is going to happen. He's going to go straight to my ex and tell him , be like, She's a beast . She's very good, right ? And then my ex is going to say, Oh , I heard from Brad they saw you in class and that you're very good. And I'd be like, I fucking have been telling you my whole life . Or he's not gonna say anything and I'm not gonna say anything . Because normally I would tell him literally everything . So again, I'm being a cool girl by not saying anything. That's right. You walked away, you're busy. You got places to be. And I just kept my mouth shut. That's right. I know. I'm like, holy shit. I know that's the real growth moment right there. That's the growth moment and not seeking that guy out. Yeah no. He's so doughy . Steve, what's there to seek out? Oh, there's nothing because he was this heart throb in college and he was so buff and he's six four and he has a pretty face, but he's getting older as we all are , but his life choices include going to bars and drinking. Maybe he 's happy with his girlfriend. Oh, he has a new girlfriend every six weeks. And that's fine. I love that for him. I would literally do the same thing. That's cool. Get it. At this point, I see how cool that is. It's a real flex but it's like , well, this is what I do for fun You know what I mean? Yeah, and like big time . I know . So the question is, do you think, let's put some money on this. Do you think my ex is gonna come back and be like, Hey, I heard No . Probably not. No, because he doesn't like to celebrate my wins. No . No I think so. Speaking of gambling , you know that people are betting on like current events? Yeah, that's so fun. It's on Calci um Which app? Which current events are you thinking of? Well, I mean , let me think, what's happening in the world? When a Savannah Guthrie's mom going to be found ? Well, that's a different thing and that's a hot topic of mine, but somebody was saying that people place bets on the Venezuelan president. No , and they were right about what? Him being thrown out of power . And they were actually you know , we should be taking bets on. Who's going to be named in Epstein files? No one ? Everyone. Literally. Yeah, to the point where you're like, you're kind of a loser if you weren't in the I know. I'm like, you didn't take a photo with him. Like, where were you? Seriously . All right, this is what I have to say about Savannah Guthrie's mom. Okay . Okay, it's not so much about mom or Savannah. I don't know, I don't know what that it's really weird. Who wants an eighty year old vag of bones? That's your choice. But you know what I could say is those girlies who love true crime documentaries , what the fuck? Sorry, but what are you doing? I think you guys are a bunch of losers I think you guys are phony baloney . Chime in here. What do you have to say? Because like , oh, we love true crime documentaries. We love going to sleep, listening to women getting hacked off . We love it. That's what we race home in our comfy sweats and our snacks. Whoa, why the fuck don't you solve this real one ? Maybe they're working on it. Are they though? You guys are smart. And behind the scenes. No, I feel like maybe that's the smart part of it. They're not putting all their cards on the table. They can't let the guy know that they know. Who's the the gu guyy in the mask? The guy in the mask at the door . We're coming for you. Yeah. Man you're getting it . Maybe they're working behind the scenes. They're very smart and by they I mean us . Yeah, I follow some people who are giving me a minute by minute update. Who I want to who are they? I'll tell you later. Why can't you tell me? Because it's private, it's private. Private . It p'risvate really exclusive club. I want to be an nus, how am I not ? Okay, but I just, I'm like, come on, you guys, this is our moment. Show them what we're capable of. Okay, you know what's going to happen? In a couple days, those girly pops are going to circle back around, be like, we know who it is. No, actually the FBI is going to be like, We know who it is. And then they'll like point to the girly pops at the true crime and they'll be like actually . You know those they will 'cause they're giving me like fifty grand for some tips . So if you go have any tips you gotta share them and like send to us and then we can like, well you remember those moms that were PIs . Yeah . Where are those? Like Dog the Bounty Hunter and his female squad? No one cares as much when it's an old lady . I sure wouldn't be like fine. Well, she was like in bad health and it's old . She doesn't have insulin and Savannah, your hair color's killing me. That yellow is not aging. I'm so amazing what TV magic can do. She looks stunning every day on the Today Show. That's 'cause they're freshing up her hair on a weekly. It is the wrong color. I know. When it comes to the lighting on the Today Show, mask the color. It's TV blonde. Yeah. That's a good point . It's like that Colorado blonde. , look, I know. Not us. Not us. Look at those luscious brunette locks. Someone's like, Oh, you dyed your hair black. I'm like , it's just my natural gala . And your hair looks so good. I know. I text my hair girl. It was like, My hair looks so good. She's like so sad . She's like, Thanks for trying again . We love our hair girl. Yeah . But we have unlock. Yeah , yeah. Can I tell you something? I think we've been thinking about only fans all wrong . I'm listening. Okay , so I stumbled upon this middle lady . It did come across your desk it did. It came across my desk . My secretary pushed it across the desk and said, look at this. Lindsey, I think you really need to get your eyes on this one . It is a middle aged, overweight British lady who hasn't only an O fans and what, she does on Only Fans is that she opens up the oven, she cranks up the oven and opens it up and closes it. She cranks up the thermostat to a hundred degrees and people love turning a thermostat. She said people are getting off me on being able to afford turning on the heat really high and wasting heat in the oven We're just dumb. Yeah we're just not smart enough. We're not smart enough to think of the dumbass shit. Oh , what about putting shit on your toothbrush ? Yeah. I put too much on . See, I don't put it on you don't. I saw the way you put it on. Yeah, I don't put it on like that. How do you put it on? I don't know. I need to show you. I put on like a little dab. I put on way too much. You kind of I put on a dab and kind of like cut it off . I saw that just moments ago. I was like, what? Yeah 'cause I don't want it hanging from the tube. I want a clean cut. I bet you do. I like it dirty and stinky and then like toothpaste all over the place . Oh wow. Can I say speaking of putting on all over the place? I am so tired of thinking about you twice a day . Every time I put my goddamn brawn , I think of you. And I'm like, I don't want to think about you right now when I can't head, because when I can't hook it two or three times . I'm like, Lindsey just does it around the front and twist it. And I'm like, I'm not doing that . Why? It's so much easier No, I don't do it. It's so much easier. Just trust me. I'm like, why I don't know, maybe I wouldn't think about you as much. You wouldn't. You would just have it on Done . I know. It's fine . I still understand why people do it like that. Oh, and British folks, my bot is so sad. Your bot is still liking our stuff. I know . Because I wasn't mean to our bot, but my bot came back and was like, I just want to tell you, I am kind of heartbroken that you thought I was a bot. I'm a real person . And if you want to, we can face time tomorrow . I told him I was like, well, I miss you. And he was like, I miss you too. And I was like, okay . Poor guy. Yeah. 'Cause talk about AI. All the bot has to do is be like, I'm so sorry you thought it was a bot . Well, it's okay. I like the fact that they came back to that like fatass slob it's like , no, I know, you're so kind and I really wish it had worked out and that you were a real boy. Yeah, but you're not. You're not. I could have that happening. I don't know what they really look like. I don't know. They seem to post a photo every once in a while just the same photo. It's like they just take that head and the angle . Just like we'll just go see him on the Epstein files next. That'd be so cool. Then I'd be like, All right, let's go out. Let's chat. Here's what you saw. That's interesting. Yeah. I have walked by Joe. I have by walked by Ebstein's residence. Oh , you were there. She's in the piles. Hello, Nicole. That'd be so cool. I walked by on the sidewalk. Because you did live close to that children's school in Florida? No, in New York City. Oh , there's like an elementary school like around the corner. Well, that's convenient. Shuttle them under the tunnel , dot door dashed over . Literally . What else she got in there? Well, I think we're in the wrong business for a side hustle . Well , of course we are . I know. Can't figure out only fans. So dumb. The new side hustle are vending machines . I feel like it used to be laundromats and now people are really into vending machines. I feel like people have been into vending machines for a minute. But now they're trying to pass this new tax law or something where if you kind of are like making okay money but like not really good money, there's a tax break in between. So they're like buy, like six ty machines. You're gonna pay less in your taxes. I went down this whole rabbit hole of how to save money on my taxes by buying penting machines. And by the end, I was like, Should I buy a penting machine ? I know a guy. Jesus . Shit. You can find it for six hundred dollars a month Chelsea, you haven't been done your taxes channel. Yeah, let's look at some options for you. Let's get to the vending machines. Yeah. And if you put underwear in there, you would sell dirty socks. Oh my gosh. Oh, I have to get back to my sock guy. Okay, so I told you walk around in a hot sweaty throat twelve hours and oh you're gonna break it up. Well the issue was that the sock guy he wanted a photo or like a minute long video of the bottom of my feet and this one' whens I did not have time to do that. I was like, I don't have time to do that. He's like, I need it now. I was like, No, you don't. And I was like, I don't have a good lighting. And he's like, Yeah, you do. I was like, No, I don't. Like, you can wait. And then I never heard from him. I would like , they're so demanding. So demanding. But he's going to pay me like al onem hundredost bucks for a pair of socks. Almost. Yeah. I'll circle back. Does he pay for your shipping? Yes, and handling. Yeah, that includes shipping and handling. My admin time . Time for lost wages I mean, I'm at a gym every day. Like, you know, my socks every day. Every day. Just like did he specify specify what kind ? He prefers a crew sock. And I said, well, I like an ankle sock. And he's like, how about a no show? I was like, No , an ankle sock. Those are expensive. I know and I was like, and also I need to buy them in bulk from Amazon so you need to buy this. Yeah. Here's my address . No, no, no, just send me the money and I'll do it . So I think I'll circle back because like, why not get a hundred bucks? I don't know . Why not? That Starbucks right there . Speaking of feet , I have a new pair of sneakers . Yeah , yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's like breaking news . But I also have a new pair s ears . Okay , so I note, I'm thinking about something very serious, Lindsey. The first person, you and everybody listening, I'm thinking about switching the side the part , my hair on my head. How do we get from feet to the part in your head? I just wanted to say if I forgot let me get back to shoes. No, let's go to the part. I'm thinking about changing the side of my part . I think if you wear it on either side it works for you. Yeah. You'd like a side part. Oh no, I'm not giving that up. Yeah. I just I' putm it gonna on the right side . Why? I don't like how this is sitting these days. Oh , because of my new Oh, I have my extension done . Obviously she took it out for split second. I put wanted to see the thickness of my ponytail thicker than I thought. It was and it's long and it was like, okay, good. Yeah, yeah. I was like, okay. Okay, shoes . So I have these new pairs of shoes and I'm trying to get them to be a certain way. I just want to be able to slide them on. Oh, okay. So I have been geeking the tightness of the shoelaces . So I spent I spent so many how many hours have you spent trying to get this shoe? We are in the hour range. Oh jeez , okay . I'm like, why is this so hard? So and they're not quite slip on yet. So I'm like, okay, well that's because they're hot and snowy right now. But like I just want to be able to put my foot in and go . Well, I'm getting closer every day. So now I'm gonna cut those . Well, I was at Yoga the other day and I was under the impression that everything was set and it was good to go. You know, you put your shoes on after class and it wasn't. And I was like so now I'm having a straight up meltdown. Of course you are. Of course you are. Yeah my shoe And I'm like, I'm on my hands and he's trying to loosen this up because I'm like, I'm going to get this to work. One of these podging times and now there's a lady waiting for me to move because her shoes were bad. I was like DiTa. I'm like, What dude ? If there's one thing that you don't already know about Chelsea is that at any minor slight inconvenience to her, there is a meltdown . Literally it took zero zero zero zero one more second to get her shoe back out and fuck her off these shoes. Buy new ones . I'm gonna go home without shoes on. Like this . I know you're close to doing that. I was Yeah, I was I did . So now I'm getting closer. Look, it's kind of loose. You know what is interesting is that you have the daintiest little narrow feet and it takes you that long. And when I buy shoes, I take them right out of the box. I'd never even untie them. I just slide them around to my foot. I can't. Maybe because these are leather, leatherbown book . It has a leatherbrown, leatherbown baby . They frame it. They're like, they slide. I don't know. I just want to be able to slide it in. I'm like, is it this? How much looser does this? It is killing me in the week that I was dotting figure it out Yum . This is why I come back to you meltdown over the shoes? Yeah . Lindsay's like, what current meltdowns do we have while I was at ten There's more exciting things than there were mountains to report. Thank God. I know there's new clothes to be bought so that's more exciting. I bought those jeans on a huge shit and they were only a hundred dollars and I was like, I'm buying new clothes 'cause I don't party and my only friend is out of town and I deserve sweet treat you can wear. That's right. Yeah . And I bought a Henley, which was dumb. The one you're married? No. Oh, the exact same thing, but a short sleeve one. Okay. You'll like it in a few months. Oh, it's oatmeal color. It's literally everything we have. Okay . When I could stop just jeans, I had to buy one more thing to make it a complete outfit. Of course. Duh. Duh . Duh. And they're like , the people you know, hey, you have to leave the dressing room to make sure everybody applauds how good it looks on you . I do. I don't. I do because I seek approval. And they're like, everything looks good on you. You're so long and le an. I'm like no that's not true . These side zeroes are so loose . Oh wow, yeah . Honestly, trying on clothes in a dressing room is my worst nightmare. I'd rather just buy everything and then take it home and return. You can't return in this story. Oh , you tried it on jeans, what a miserable experience. Not when they just slip right on and you're like, oh, I like this number . And you're like, and then you're like, I want you to see that I'm in this number. Well, you were out of town. So I had to show somebody and make them jealous. I'm gonna try them on. I'll see how tight they are. Oh, they're fabulous. I won't even tell you the number because it's not right. Double zero. Oh , yeah. Oh shit. And like, it's loose. Oh shit. I don't know, it's not crooked. Well, you know, and you're only blacking out and seeing spots all the time, so I think you're fine . It's fine. You wear smaller than a double zero. You just are gonna pass out at any moment. I kind of like fell into a car in the parking lot Yay. I was like and then I was hanging onto every guard guardrail out of the hot tub today. Yes . I was like, this is not great . So I'm like, breathe . I did. I had a bunch of half final and half of everything. Half of everything. Supposed to have eaten all week. Yeah, I believe that . You're just sad because I was gone. I know what , well, someone's gotta go to work and it's actually not me . So