Managing life after medical menopause

Hello everyone. It's John here, just letting you know that I have written a book It's called Thirst, twelve drinks that Change My life. and it's out now. In many episodes of How Do you Cope You'll have heard me talk about my relationship with alcohol, and in writing Thirst, I wanted to explore what alcohol means. Why did it mean more to me than other people Why did it mean some things felt better? and why did it mean so many things went wrong I also talk about lots of other things you'll have heard me and my guests discuss on how do you cope? Meditation, physical pain, gratitude, trauma and therapy There's even a chapter about my bum and its relationship with Buddhism. So if that piques your interest Thirst is out now, and the audiob book, read by me, is available wherever you get audiobooks from Hello and welcome to How do you Cope with me, John Robbins. This is the show where I sit down with special guests to talk about the challenges they've overcome and the coping mechanisms they use in their everyday lives Today's guest is the comedian Fata Elgori Fattyia started doing stand up comedy after seeing an advert on the internet for a comedy and performance course. Since then, she has toured the country as part of the super Muslim comedy tour appared on numerous TV shows and was a contestant on series nineteen of Taskbaster. Fatya is a Muslim and wears a hijab She has spoken about challenging stereotypes people have Muslim Hijab women She's bilingual, speaking both English and Moroccan Arabic and has previously talked about bearing the weight of several identities in her comedy. British, Moroccco Muslim and female In twenty twenty five. Fatty was diagnosed with stage one endometrial cancer and underwent a hysterectomy She's now living with sudden onset medical menopause at forty four She's currently writing a book The Perks of My Hijab, which will be published in february twenty twenty seven and is touring her show Cockney stacking Doll around the UK. In our conversation, we spoke about growing up with twelve siblings, expectations of Muslim women on stage, and how people with hyphenated heritage can often struggle for a sense of belonging. We also talked about Fatia's cancer journey and the impact of beginning the menopause in her forties. Before we get started, don't forget that you can now watch every new episode of How Do Cope on YouTube. Just search for How to Cope pod And you can of course listen to all your episodes wherever you get your podcasts. Please do hit subscribe so you don't miss an episode For more information or to get in touch, head to howgicopepod. com. So it's a very warm welcome to How'd you Cope to Fatia Elgori. How you doing? I'm good. I'm good, thank you. Like when I was reading about you and reading interviews with you and watching clips. There's like so much to get into. but like the first thing I want to get my head around and find out about depending on where you U Look, you've either got twelve or thirteen siblings. Which is it? And what on earth is that like? So there's thirteen of us all together. Right, s. I have twelve siblings, but with me it's thirteen. Okay. So there's eight girls and five boys So I don't think there's many people certainly not like in the UK who would say I've got twelve siblings. How did that affect you growing up like positively and negatively It was nice because we were we grew up in a nice family home in terms of like all living together, everyone chipping in, everyone helping. It was so nice. A the time when I was growing up used to have dinner all together on the table, not like now, half of you are in know in your bedroom on your phone, the other half are watching in front of the tele. L it's proper dinner times, you know So it was it was nice, it was nice The downside was it was just always busy. there was no quiet time There's always s going on. My momum's always smacking someone for something. But it was fun. We still like prank my dad and stuff. My sister, my older sister, she's like, you go in and distract her as she went One time she goes, you go and distract him and she went under the table and painted his toenails and we all got like Massive smacks like whenever I look at a comedian's agency website, like if that agent has got fifty acts, I think, well, you're getting at best a week of their year in terms of attention. So you're not getting as much bang for your buck as an agent who's got maybe like six acts. Was that the case that you sort of got less allotted time with your parents or was there just sort of no one to one in that sort of scenario Yeah, you're right. I never really thought I don't really I never thought of it like that, but you're right. there wasn't maybe a lot of time with my m and dad, but because there was my siblings were around where everyone was just looking after everyone. So you never felt like alone or neglected or anything like that. Um But yeah Yeah., but my dad used to make an effort. My dad like, although there were so many of us, used to make a real effort, spend time with us. And we did you, you know, and the same with my mom as well. We would bath time was always fun. She'd be reading our stories, brushing our hair and things like. how do you twelve kids. So that's a big age range. There is. So my siblings are not all from the same parents. Right Okay. So my dad was married before my mum and he had eight kids with his wife and then sadly she passed away. Th then my mum was married before my dad and she had three kids. Okay. And then she got divorced And then her my dad met, they got married, then they came here, then they had me my younger sister. Okay. And that's how. that's like a mega blended. Y. Mga. Be we all because we all grew up together. I never call them. don I don't see them as my half brothers and sisters. because we all grew up together. So I always say my siblings Your dad passed away when you were six Obviously that's a huge impact to any six year old, but to a family of that size, That's a huge loss. Could you maybe talk us through that process Yeah, so he had renal failure, which has to do with your kidneys U and then he just got He got sick and then he was in the hospital a lot and we would go and visit him in the hospital and stuff and then u When he died, he died at home. I remember him dying. we was all there Um there wasn't There wasn't like end of life care like there is now. Your only option was like home or U That's it. Yeah. So the options then are not like they were they are now. Back then it was either like home or hospice? And there was no, you know, like, if you want to die at home, you know, they bring you morphine, they bring you all the drugs. there was nothing like that when it was my dad. And they offered to put him in hospice and he said, No, I want to die at home. So my mom was tending to him I remember the day he was dying, we had a family friend Ruthin the Quran. It was weird like you could over him And it was weird. My dad, I felt like he wasn't there. It was like half in, half out. His eyes weren't his. It was really weird. and he was calling us up. one by one and saying like, look after your mom, look after each other your family, like and stuff and it and then he just and then I just it went blank for me after that I just remember him not being there anymore. It was really tough for my mom Um, because he did everything. He was the breadwinner. My mum did everything in the house. So it was really tough I mean, what did your mum do with that because that's such she must have been so geared to being like a part of this family unit of getting everything, you know, getting dinner, getting people bathed, looking after people sorting out fights and squabbles and stuff. So how did she progress through that? I think it was tough for her really tough I think she tried her best, you know U, but it was tough It was really hard and she really loved him. We ended up moving house because she just couldn't live there. She's like all these memories with your dad. So we had to we moved from where we was living That's when We did stay there quite a bit Be I was born and raised in Hackney, we stayed there up until I was about eleven, twelve, and then we moved. she couldn't. She was like, I can't Your dad, I see your dad everywhere. They were so romantic. My dad would, you know, like at that time, we didn't have mobile phones. If you said to someone, you know, like, meet me here at twelve, they would be there. It's not like now, five minutes before they'd go, Oh sorry, brrother, I can't make it. And you're already there waiting. so my dad would be like, I'm coming home from work, be ready at two. and we would be at the window waving. And then he would take her out and they'd go on dates and stuff like that And they just loved each other. They prayed together, everything, they just did everything together. And if my dad woke up and she wasn't in the bed, he'd start calling her like You like fat my fight? I'm like, why are you waking up the house? I've got nursery tomorrow, bro like, you know and stuff. so yeah, it was really hard for her and I think I don't I think like Yeah, their love was special. I think he was the one for her and vice versa So you did didid you find a sort of those male role models or Father figures or that community within your siblings going forward were there sort of, did your brothers take up on that role? Did they sort of I guess fill part of that space So when he passed away, some so The children from his side all ended up leaving. when he passed away, they just let because they were older. they're older. I've got threeree siblings from my dad's side here in the UK and the rest are in Morocco and One has passed away. Yeah, they just left. so his children. but they were of the age of leaving home So they left and then one of my brothers from my dad's side stuck around and I had my other brother from my mom's side. He was there as well. and other lot of my female siblings. So yeah, it was just tough. I didn't feel I didn't really ever feel I had a role, a male role model. that That's why I think I give off A lot of masculine energy to because I'm like, I am the man and I am the woman. Well I don't know what I don't know whether to talk next about comedy or about marriage. Let's do marriage. J's go chronological. Oh d. So well said you said though that you give off a masculine energy and you talked about like male figures in growing up You've married twice and divorced twice So what are what are your experiences of marriage? didid those marriages differ What were the circumstances in which they came around So the first marriage was when I was twenty three And it was an arranged marriage, but not a forced one. So what I mean by arranged by I say to you, for example, John, I've got a friend that I think you would get along with and then I introduce you and you hear it off That's what we mean by arranged. Okay. So which people do every day, but when you say it's arranged then there's a Muslim involved. Yeah, yeah. And Nigel Farage gets a hard on, do you know what I mean? So it's more like a blind date type vibe. Yeah kind of thing. And then you get on and then there's something there and you're like, o, we might, you know and stuff And then was with him for five years and he was really bad. He was like a cheetah, a drunk an abuser A liar really bad So I just left I just left. And so the problem with this marriage is his sister is married to my brother. That's how we met Um, So when I decided to end it because I'd three times before the final like before getting a divorce, I'd broken up with him and stuff. So When it was the final stra that I'm not doing this anymore, I ended up ending it and then I had to I ended up in a women's showle Be I just had to leave And it was really difficult because like families involved, this is the problem. So like everyone's got their opinion. Obviously I'm not telling them a lot of stuff that's happening because that's just the way I am. I don't. I don't like I just don't involve people because then everyone has an opinion and then Nobody really listens. and I find this is a problem with why some women can't leave toxic relationships or dangerous relationships because they come to you're their friend, they come to you, they say, I'm having this issue, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And then you're like, o, you just need to leave him. Oh, he's no good for you, but that's not what she's looking for. She's looking for someone to just listen then When so then she feels like she's got no one to go to So she can never leave that man because she feels like she doesnn't got any friends or anyone to confide in. because if she comes to you and says I want to leave him, you're going to go I told you so and all this kind of thing. it's a bit It's like a vicious circle So if someone comes to you and says they're having problems, just listen. L if they're having problems in their relationship Just listen, don't judge, donon't give your opinion on the other person that they're in the relationship with. J give that person time to tell you what they want to say ing that Um confidence with that person that they can come and confide in you means that later down the line when it's something really serious, they can still confide Exactly. So you're not you're not making them think that they're going to be judged by you. Yes. Eactly Honestly, I've got so many friends and family members I hate their partners. They will never know because it's important for me, you know, I want to keep that relationship with that friend or family member. You know what I mean, unless I see unless, you know unless it's something in front of my eyes. Do you know what I'm saying? Th then I'll get involved. But like let them because they have to figure it out. if you're leaving someone that's not good for you, they have to figure it out. It has to be their decision. and the only way you can help them is just by supporting them by not notot being nasty, not giving your opinion, not. You know, just just let them figure it out. just be there as a support And I guess you can say, you know, if you ever do decide to leave someone, I will be there with you through Exactly, exactly. And if you decide to go back, I'll be there as well. Yeah yeah. because it's not that easy, you know for people to just leave. And I had that two Iour left and then I came back and then I lear like twice sorry, three times And then the final time ended up Um in a women's show arm So that's another reason it's very hard to leave abusive relationships is because the Ous is on the victim to leave. Yeah they were leaving their postal address They may be leaving the place where their bank statements go to they're leaving you know, maybe they're kids. it's hellish. So Tell us about how you got to the shelter and and what you found there and what that was like I was just like, this is it. I'm not doing this anymore. And I just walked out with the shirt on my back and that was it. And then I went to the council to try and get help. like the council office to be like, is it can you help me with anything? They were so bad to me. They were like, you need to get a job. I was like, I have a job But I ended up, I was working temping at the time. I was working in a hospital And u, They were just so rude. They're like, you need to sort yourself out. I'm like, Is this how you treat people? like? are running away from something like is this what you do? And then I ended up just staying on like night buses for like three nights and then sitting outside like le Street pololice station and stuff because I was like, at least it'll be safe here There's police, no one will hurt me or anything like that. And then kept on going back to the council and then I met this lovely lady once in the cat like working there And She said to me, I'm going to see if I can get you into a show, I'. And then she made some calls and she got me in And then that was really difficult because you line. So in the show ar, there's like everyone Everyone's got a different reason for being there. There are people that have addiction issues, there are people that are fleeing, you know, domestic violence, abusive, people leaving cults as well, things like that. Then there are people that have just defaulted on their rent and have ended up there. There are people that are there's all sorts, all sorts of people people that maybe their kids have been taken away so then they have they end up losing their home, all kinds of things, mortgage payments, they couldn't keep up with. So it's not because people think hostile then they think, o it's it's It's just people with addictions like you know That's it. But I'm telling you everyone, everyone, including you as just one step away from being in a hospitel. Your life can change like that. It's like, you know, they say the line between life and death and it's the same between having home and having a home and being and haven't been unhomed you know, and it was it was really tough. That was the first time like just seen all these different people. There was also women just that have come out of care. so eighteen year olds, and they shouldn't have, to be honest with you They shouldn't have been there. but it was It was really sad. You felt I felt like We were invisible peopleeople didn't see us. It was horrible. You would get men standing outside asking you how much and things like that U you sa I saw lots of like girls getting taken advantage of not just by men, but like other women in the hosostel. I saw women coming in there without addiction and within three weeks. They was addicted to something It's really difficult. you have to be It's a bit like prison, not that I've been to prison They've tried to put me there loads of times, but I always escape, no joking. It's a bit like prison in like you have to be very careful who you talk to, who you hang around with um and stuff because that all it takes is for them to be like I've got a bit of this, do you want to try it and n's say it slippery slope And I saw that happen And there was also that, but there was also a sisterhood as well Women coming together, helping each other giving each other tips on, you know like we used to get sandwiches. Pa Minger used to give us like any sandwiches they didn't sell, they would bring it. They used to be a shop called Eat but it's not around noore. I don't think it's around. Iven't se any of their shops. They used to give us food as well, anything leftover. and all the women would be like, okay, take all the cheese out and you can use that tomorrow, freeze the fish, all this kind, take it out, wash it and freeze it. and we all used to give each other like tips. We used to have things, we used to have organisations that would come to the hostel and give everyone like haircuts, manicures, just something to brighten your day So there was that sisterhood as well, looking out for each other. We used to have a girl that used to always cook cakes and then like share it with everyone and stuff like that. So there was nice things as well as like when I was there, like three people, three women got killed While I was there, while I was there, a woman got raped right outside the front door all this kind of. So there was There was a balance, it was either really sad and go or really U kind You know, there was was either they saw that. And I think it's a part of my life like I've never been able to talk about it on stage. I don't even mention it U maybe because I'm not really over it, like because it's hard because it Although I'm out of that situation, but that world still exists There are still women. I still see people from the I know from the hostel begg in I still see sex workers from the hostel on the streets at night and things like that. So like although I'm not in there, but that world still exists for a lot of women And that's hard for me These women just get abandoned. Do you know what I mean? It's It's difficult I like just listening to tell that story. I can like just sort of feel your Strength I can like just feel it in the way you talk and Itortly like your energy and even to even ride a night bus for three nights A lot of people would think I can't do that, I've got to go back and a lot of people do. And that's not from any weakness. it's from liketh who wants to ride a night bus, you're in a lot of danger. putting yourself at risks through no fault of your own Where do you think that comes from And is that something you like ive work to maintain or have you always had that sort of sense of Maybe like confidence is the wrong word, but the courage to go I'm going to do whatever is necessary to get out of that situation I think that first divorce taught me a lot I think Well, like when I And I realized I was being like manipulated, not just by him by his family and stuff. So feel like Um I was going to say something else sorry. I was going to say like He had a really terrible past and they knew that and they didn't tell me and stuff like he'd been married and divorce loads of times before Not that there's anything wrong with married and getting married and divorced because it, you know, but he it was through his fault becauseuse he wasn't a good guy you know what I mean And so I just had enough There was something and then obviously like the family kind of implode in because I deced I was like, there's no one here for me. There's no one no one's like got my back. So I have to have my own back you know And it was just that change. I don't know what it was, it was that change and I was like, I would rather be anywhere than be in this situation. And I don't have I know this might be a bit contrary to what you see on stage, but I'm not very confident. I don't have a lot of self belief and stuff There was just something inside me, a little like a seed that was like, I deserve better, I don't deserve this. I'm too good for this. Not the hostel in terms of that relationship So' like I have to get out of this at any and all costs You know. And' the process of divorce from an Islamic marriage? different to the process of divorce elsewhere No well sometimes it can be ek so I had an Islamic marriage and I also had I because we're both Moroccan. so I had a Moroccan legal wedding, which is recognized here. Yeah as well, sorry, marriage which is recognized here So Islamically So to get divorce, we have to go to the Moroccan consonsulular. and apply for it there whichich was another fauff in itself. We went there and I was like, can And I spoke to the guys who deal with that, the registry and I was like, I just want to divorce. donon't try to like fix this. This is the third time we've been here. like I don't want to don't try to resolve it and they don't listen. they're like what's the problem last? They almost try to cancel you And I'm coul, you not cancel. And I was like, Brav, please no. And obviously I didn't want to embarrass him and say this, this and this Do you know what I'm saying? but u So yeah, that was a whole they were like, o because they've tried to turn on the computer to start the paperwork and then it wouldn't turn on. and then he goes the guy at the registrar goes Maybe this is a sign from Allah that you know you should try again goes, Oh yeah, maybe it's a sign from All love that you should pay your electricity be on time. And then they were like, o, here's your divorce I'm So I think people listening So far will understand what I say when when I say that as a stand up your quuite a fascinating prospect And you really took me by surprise when I first gaveed with you because I don't watch much like I see clips every so often on people, but I don't I don't go home after work and watch standup. So I've not seen your stuff and It just made me realize so many of my assumptions about Muslim women because we did a gig at Cadugan Hall, which is very sort of fancy, you know wealthy part of London, quite a storied venue. We met backstage and you're very polite. We're all maybe a little nervous because it's quite a groundnd venue And I reckon in my head I thought, okay, so I can kind of guess what this person's standup is going to be like. they're you know, very nice that you wear a hijab I thought maybe there'll be some quite sort of gentle stuff about being a Muslim woman in London, maybe. And like nothing prepared me for how ballsy you were, how you commanded the stage, how rude you were. I thought, I don't know Muslim women at all Like, I have no idea. So And also you've said that what comes out of your mouth doesn't match the way you present So maybe we could talk about why that is. And what our expectations are and maybe some of the challenges and successes you've had by conffounding some of those expectations people have Muslim women Okay, so that was so funny. I so This is the problem with representation. I think Um The problem is For me, and it's something I struggle with is So I'm a Muslim woman. But I've also got a personality U I'm fatier, I'm British, East Ender I'm Moroccan. I'm all these things. I'm a daughter I'm a sister. a friend, whatever, like all these things and when you look a certain way, because it's not just you that would think that, you know, there was also so the question you've asked is like layered, you know on so many levels like People want you to represent them like my community, some of them to want me to represent them in their way, what they think and Muslim women should be like. And believe it or not, even they have their assumptions and stuff that they want it to look like and to be. So some of them hate me They're like you swear too much you're this, your profanity, but then they won't have a problem if it's a Muslim man doing it. You know, So I'm like, you need to back dry out get my face. otherwise I'm going to do a twenty minute bit on you and your mum and you're not going to like it You know, And also I couch that and I'm kind of calling out my own prejudice because I've seen you in a dressing room wearing a hijab and I' thought, okay This is the comedy the comedy subject matter will be You're obviously going to mention that you wear a hijab because it's so rare to see a comedian wearing a hijab, but actually When I say I don't know Muslim women at all I guess what I mean is I've not thought about any of the other areas of who you are in that dressing room.. I've thought I'm going to witness a set about being a Muslim woman, whichich is not the case Yeah, and I think that's normal, natural because there's no representation. Like you said, you haven't seen anyone else like me. And when they do have Muslim women on TV, they're not Muslim. It'll be actresses that they've put a hijab on Um, So yeah, it's not And maybe you haven't had Muslim friends. and that's not a bad thing. We all grow up in different circles and things like that. The main thing is that when you meet someone that's different, you're open and friendly and nice to them and which she was Um So yeah, I don't know. But like, so w so you you get, um Let's imagine that gig. let's imagine I'm comparing a show and there are three acts and they're all Muslim women. It would be such a different vibe in that dressing room because I would not be thinking in terms of this person is pigeonhoold as this. Like if if I did a gig with three magicians, you know, I would suddenly stop to see them as being ticking some kind of like box of what I'm expecting in terms of a persona So let's maybe talk about the different communities and also the validation you get from different communities U so have how have the responses to your your comedy varied Yeah, they do vary. I get a lot of love And and from the community as well, I get a lot of love saying, oh, wow, I love that you're representing us. And I don't know if you've seen there's a lot of there's a rise in Muslim Hijabi comedians coming up and stuff. U because they've seen it's possible I have worked very hard. This has not been easy. likeike I was working five days a week and gigging six eightight years I've done that. Do you know what I mean? Like I have done every club, the worst clubs in the country of've People have threatened to people have waited for me outside men to fight me and things like that. Hclas, I can deal with herclas and I'm grateful for that. My favourite gigs are like the pub ones that are rough I just love it when it's rough. I love it. But'm sorry this is a bit of a digression. So yeah, I get a lot of valid obviously if you come to my gig, I swear to you, they'll be like I was I did a gig once and they was like A row of gay guys at the front Then there was the hood boys in the back, which whenever I did something they like, they go B. you know, Then there was a line of hijabis over him. Then there was like group of white ladies over here. Then there was like all these Eastern geeizers over here. That is what my gigs look like. They're so mixed. You can't be like, o, there's going to be a lot of this or there's going to be a lot of Muslim women or this or that they're so mixed and I'm so grateful to be able to touch that many people and for them to come and support me Um, and then but then you also get the other side of it like especially stuff online, you know, like under under this podcast, we will have comments under the clips. And it willll be people going, o, John, why have you let her on on things like deport, deport, deport. I get that a lot. Someone the other day was like Sadk Khan I was like, What the fuck is TFO got to do with this like I'm like sorry, is it like one of the overgrounds been named after me and I don't know. what is going on here So yeah, that's difficult That's difficult, like the hate. I feel like I say this in my show I remember once being in I remember being in college and I did performing arts And their teacher went around the class and she said, Can everyone tell us their name And everyone said their name. And when I said my name, she goes me, Oh my go, that's such a beautiful name. I can imagine it up in bright lightes And I gave her the dirtiest look. because I was like That doesn't happen to me. like Everything about me doesn't fit like my name's too long and too complicated and it's not easy, you know to say or read. My weight is a problem, my body's a problem. My hijab is a problem. My ethnicity is a problem Everything is a problem. I am a problem, you know I don't fit anywhere. I don't have This place Anywhere And I feel And I've always felt that my whole life and I still feel that now because I'm born and raised here and this is my country. and I guarantee you those people that come in the comments or those people that don't like me, I promise you I have given more to this country than they'll ever give. and I'm not even including taxes. Do you know what I'm saying U But then then the Moroccans will be like You're not when I go to Moroco they're like, you're not Moroccan you wasn't bn here you' born outside so you're one of them So like I don't really have a place anywhere. I've always feel like I always feel like a second class citizen No matter what But then I feel a lot of love, you know, like come doing these shows and and I can't get over these people paying to come and see me and giving up their time, I'm like, why are you here? Like I just I don't know. Sorry I'veone digression and lost my fult. My try. So do you find that you find that identity or that wholeness that you don't get in Morocco and you people are trying to deny you in Britain Do you find that in God Do you find that in prayer? Oh yeah, my faith is like really important and that keeps me grounded. It's soothing, it's calming, keeps me humble keeps me strong. because we have We have this pass I don't know if it's a passage. We have so in so in Islam, you have the Quran which is at the very top which is the word of God d us at the top. And then it conveyed from God, but he came through the prophet. peace be upon him. and then that's how the Quran came, is all written in the Quran. Then after that you have the Sunna, which is the practices of the prophet And then after that you have the Hadif, which is the stories of the people that were around the prophet. And so their interactions with him and the things that they saw him do and say and things like that So that obviously the Quran is the top everything When I worked in a bookshop, it always had to go on the top shelf. Yes. You weren't allowed to put anything above it. Yes. Yes, that's true. Which the nightmare when you're trying to do things alphabetically. Be you've got all of the Bibles and the other K' down at the bottom and you're like, no, pop it up the top. the one exception. Yes, exactly. Yeah and then so there's this saying that we have that we get from our faith Allah says to us like What's meant for you will never miss you even if it's in the core of the earth, it will find its way to you. And sometimes when you think if you think about something you really wanted and you're like,, I'll never get this. And then it comes someomehow and you're like, wow, it's because it was always yours, always. always had your name on it and it found its way to you. And then the other the other part of that is if it's not meant for you, it could be on the tip of your tongue and you won't and it won't be yours. And the example of that is when you're eating, sometometimes and you know that saying fult you put it in your mouth and it falls out. And then I always pick it up again because I'm a greedy bitch. And I try to eat it again and it falls out again because it was never meant for you. But look at how close it was, you know? So I always I know what's mine will never miss me. That's why, you know when I go into work, like opportunities and stuff like that, if I don't get them, I'm like, that's okay, that it wasn't meant. somethingomet else will come. and sometimes We don't get stuff and it's a blessing, but you don't know until later down the line. And this is why we have this thing called like Takwa Takwa means the belief, believing in Allah, believing in the plan, believing in what's written for you So u My faith definitely heavily And I try to like sometimes people make me really angry and I try so hard like not And I know you wouldn't think that with my standu. I don't take any shit though. like I'm not a dickhead, like no zero shit. But I always try to like resolve things like nicely. I'm always like, let me try to be, you know, because in the Quran it says I't know it's in the Quran actually I think the prophet says it. like that people don't know Islam, but they know it through you You know, because you are the representative kind of So you need to behave in an Islamic manner, you know? So I always try to keep that in mind in the way that I'm, you know, so I try not to be I try to have patience. Patience is a big thing, sububber in our faith is massive. So I always try to have patience with people with myself not just, but it's not, you know, like when I say People learn about Islam for you. it's not an act. You need to feel it There are some people that pray five times a day, fast. do I've I have sometimes I pray and then I stop and then I pray and I stop. but they do all the prayers, they fast, they do the pilgrimage, they do everything, but they are so unkind. You know what I mean? And it becomes like they do it because they feel that they have to But you have to do it because you want to You you know what? I mean, there has to be that connection For me, it has to be, I have to do it because I want to because I love it. You have to understand. It's a way of life. It's not just, oh, I've done my five prayers, tick. That's not it. It has to be has to feed into everything, the way you behave, the way you talk the way you do business, the way you deal with people, everything. that's how I see it it can't just be It's not transactional. That's another thing people pray because they want to get stuff. And I'm like, that's not how it works You have to have the connection with God, it's not. You know, so for me, it's very like praying is so special to me. I just feel like It's such a nice You do it five times a day and for that five minutes, that's your your it's not even five minutes to be honest with you. That's just like your time There's such a beautiful connection I like connect with my mind, my body, my soul It's just such a beautiful thing for me Do you say that people know Islam through you? Yes But I guess we're the same age. so I've 've been around and seen the enormous rise in Islamophobia over the past twenty five years So people will think they know Islam and I guess even the most like perhaps even more so, you know, a liberal minded person listening will think, you know Islam is repressive towards women. they might be hearing you thinking You know, why isn't she you know, rising up, whyy isn't she sort of fighting against this? She's been indoctrinated? They might have all these thoughts around what Islam's relationship with women is. Yeah If there's something you wish people understood about Islam that often you find they don't. What would one of those some of those things be So One of the things would be for me it would be a hijab. So the hijab in Islam is compompulsory as it is in other faiths likeike hello nuns. Like, you know, they never go for the nuns.'s always it's always the Muslims It's compulsory, however U The Quran Allah says to us like there is no compulsion in religion in the sense that you shouldn't be forced to do something So although it is prescribed for us as women you shouldn't be forced to do it because it's a responsibility and it's a choice as well. And that's another thing I would say to people, It is my choice to wear this. It is none of your business what a woman chooses to wear or not wear. If you support a woman, If you want if I want to wear hijab then a woman has to be able to wear a miniskirt or a bathing suit or whatever. That's how women's rights work. That's how all rights work If you want to be able to dress how you want to be, then everyone has to be able to dress how they want to be. So the biggest takeaway from this for people listening is mind your business. Let people wear whatever they want to wear and mind your business. and don't ask women, why'd you wear the hijab or something like that. If you want to know, just say like, I'm really interested And it's okay to ask questions. I like it when people ask questions because I'd rather you come to the source than read it up online and read something that's not true. So if you're interested, just ask, it's okay, like You know, but don't be like, why'd you wear it? Just like couldould you tell me about the hier? What does it mean? Exactly like you said and you know, like everyone, you know, like what you said about biases and stuff and like Everyone has those and and even I have them, everyone has them But the main thing is when you're confronted with maybe your bias, you explore it and you try to understand it and see it from a different point of view. And that's where growth happens and learning You know what I mean? But it's okay. don't be ashamed to have these biases, this is normal, but you it's when you When you clock yourself having it questioning yourself, that's the important bit But I think it's just really It's another element of your yourour multifaceted existence, which is interesting because I watched a clip yesterday of be on Taskmaster and one of the prizes you bring in is a prayerat.. And you like basically say to Greg, goodood luck, man. And it's so cool in Cryky Moses, if there wasn't enough to talk about you shed a Aust about a year ago you shared details of your cancer diagnosis and treatment in an Instagram post And I thought maybe I could read that post because it really sort of really you know, stopped me in my tracks when I read it, but it's also very direct It's very you the way that you've spoken. So maybe if you're happy for me to read it, we can then talk about what happened So you say a year ago on the seventh of February, I was at a gig waiting to go on stage when I got a call from my GP. He was calling me regarding results from a test I'd had the week before. a transvaginal scan an internal scan of my womb He said that the scan showed something abnormal in my womom, and I would need to go for further tests urgently I was sent for another two tests, an MRI and a hysteroscopy When the results were back, I saw a consultant who told me that the tests didn't show anything abnormal but from the initial scam they suspected cancer So he recommended I have a precautionary hysterectomy. He said it's possible that it isn't cancer, but the only way we could know for sure is if I had the operation. I agreed to have the operation I had the hyerectomy on the twelfth of may twenty twenty five I decided to have my ovaries removed too because I knew that if it was cancer And I still had my ovaries need chemo and possibly more surgery. I went into surgery at two thirty PM woke up at seven PM the next day I woke up in menopause It was a forced medical menopause. had a follow up appointment with a consultant on the eleventh of June confirmed that I had cancer. It was stage one endometrial cancer Thankfully, I didn't need chemo further treatment or surgery because it had not spread beyond my womb, so they were able to remove it all consultant referred me to a menopause clinic and said I would be seen in about two weeks time I got an appointment lter in August for an appointment in December The toughest and most painful part of all of this is the menopause I've had an organ removed and I've lost vital hormones overnight ' been so difficult People think menopause is hot flushes and mood swings But it's so much more than that. It's low mood vaginal dryness to the point where it's painful Change in appetite, dry skin, change in hair, depression, memory problems, to name just a few Also symptoms differ from person to person I was going out of my mind While I was waiting for the menopause clinic appointment, I was crying every day, I was depressed and sad, I felt lost I felt stuck in my mind and body. There was no help for me I was alone and abandoned I kept on calling them to chase my appointment and they just kept on telling me to wait I couldn't wait any longer So I ended up going private for my menopause care I wasn't able to have HRT because I'd had cancer. So instead, the doctor recommended supplements of vitamins that have really helped me I'm still healing physically and hormonally. But thankfully I'm doing much better. So that's a lot for an Instagram post. and that's a lot for a person to go through. So Where do you want to start with that because it feels like The cancer part of that story You know, it's quite a success You know, they they caught it early You made the right choice, you got the right advice The cancer didn't spread But like quite a few people I've spoken to who've had cancer journey, it's the treatment which has changed everything. Yeah. So Should we talk about the menopause more so than the sort of the cancer element of it because I think it You say that, I woke up in the menopause. Yeah. and I know menops can be extremely traumatic when it's happening very naturally And I'm guessing at some level And correct me if I'm wrong, you're getting a progressive L you're getting walked through what the symptoms are going to be and you have time to prepare us about that experience of just waking up suddenly a woman? Yeah, Mad. crazy It is you're right. when you're going through menopause were not a forced one It's a gradual change, you know. And you get to try things maybe along the way. you get to try HRT depending on your Circumstances, you get, you know, you can try supplements, you can try natural stuff. I didn't have that. It was like, this is this is it now and you just have to work it out So even your body's in shock because you're just like, You've had this thing that you need just taken away It affects so much, it affects your bones, your joints, likeike I said, your hair, your skin, your ears. now I've got like a leaky eye all the time because of it, I'm getting some stuff. I have to go and see air specialist because I'm having some problems on my ears, That's all menopause frozen shoulder. I've had that for months and that's a that's a side effect of menopause You know? And they want you to wait five months Yeah That's just absolutely mind blowing. And you know this is one of the hardest things for me as well about that post is that there was women comment in. I didn't expect it to get as much traction as it did And because I just wanted to share my story because I wanted to talk about it on stage And I wanted So I wanted to make sure my side of it was out there. I didn't want anyone to speculate or anything like that. So that's why I wrote that But the most heartbreaking thing for me is that Loads of women in the comments were saying, I've had the same thing. I haven't even had a follow up I've I've never seen a consultant. I just had the operation and I was sent home. likeike what is going on you know And then I think about me that's, you know, that can advocate for myself, even though sometimes I find it really difficult But at least I can. I think about the women that can't advocate for whatever reason, whether it's they're shy, they've never been, they don't know how to speak up, they don't know what to say, you know, because you when they tell you, if a doctor tells you something or if someone, you know, a specialist for in whatever, if a policeman said something, you'd be like, okay becausecause you trust them, they've got that position of power. You're like, okay, yeah. like you don't want to argue or push back And then the women that don't speak English, the women as well and I'm like You know, what the hell? There's all these women like suffering in silence, And and then, you know, because people take the piss of of menu was that, you know, like like I said in that post, it's hot flushes and mood swings. I'm like, I wish it was just that. I never I never gotot hot flushes. I used to sweat from my scalp which is crazy. So I'd be sitting here and it would just be running down my face. Ifave we seeen that meme, the aeroplane meme where the guysy You know, they're film aeropplane and he's just like sweating That's what I was like. And it was and I could smell it. It was such a weird thing. I could it wasn't offensive. It just smelled of me and it would just come down my face like this, I'd sweat from my scalp uncontrollably U Yes so everyone has these different things, but is's just You know, more more research goes into erectile dysfunction and male boldding does to menopause. fifty one percent of the population suffer with menopause And that and that's that's where they put their money.ike why don't There's a lot. I don't understand about that. but if you're having cancer specialists, the cancer information is so good. Like there's people telling you exactly what your choices are, exactly what's going to happen Why is the Why is the rest of it not tagged on with that level of care and level of quality and level of rigor Why does whyy did these experts' job end there? Why I just like if I had my testicles removed and it was affecting my joints, my mood, my hair, my skin, my brain Like if I was getting depressed, depressed, I'd be like, you fuck am I waiting five mines you mad? Exactly Exactly. ye, I feel like it's a lifeif saving exercise. That's all it is. They're like, Oh we've done the surgery. you're out of danger goodoodbye. Next That's what I feel like It is they've saved your life, like you're okay now. you have to deal with it So what did you what have you learned about the menopause and what has worked for you and what was the because you had to go private to to get any kind of decent timeline. What was that experience like? it Was it good? Yes. I was listened to I was heurard I couldn't have HRT at the beginning. now it's past the year. I've started taking a low dose So I'm on a low des, I can feel a little bit of a difference, but I'm being monitored by the private special Is that because there's a connection between HRT and cancer Yes. So at the beginning, I couldn't have it Yeah 's not it's not that there's a link between HRT and cananceace some cancers respond to estrogen. so they're estrogen fed. Right. So so if you take estrogen after the operation, it can grow cancer somewhere else. like in your breast or somewhere anywhere else, you know and stuff. So you that's why you have to be bit careful. Yeah So so I couldn't have it for the first year And now I'm on it because it's only been a year since I operation in May It's just gone a year U May last year. So now I'm on it, I'm on a low dose. We've just seen how it goes becausecause HRT isn't for everyone. I know people that have gone on it and I've become suicidal so then have to come off. there might be a problem with the dose. might be the type of HRT that you're taking. There's loads of different types. There's the patches. there's the gel, there's different types. So it's about working out what works for you with whoever's you know overseeing it all Um And what are the small differences that you found that made and what are some of the differences that the vitamins and supplements made? Energy. And low mood, definitely add some deficiencies. I to add blood tests And I had like deficiency in like folic acid and vitamin D So I've been taking those and as soon as they started to kick in, I felt so much better With the HRT, like my knees are really bad, my hair is Rrazy bad Um as I've started taking HRT, I've started to feel a slight difference. You feel and now I've got like this weird feeling, I feel like you know when they show in cartoons they put like cement in one of the I don't know, dog's boots or something like that. That's what it feels like trying to walk like that, a struggle withith like stairs, with inclines going up and downstairs as well. I had to start doing it because when I had the operation because it's along your belly I've got like five cuts. It was done with a robot. So there's like five cuts. like going up and downstairs was a nightmare used to have to do it backwards. and people would see me like, what are you doing? And I'm like, this is the only way I can do it without hurting myself and stuff So yeah, but now my legs are like really heavy. It just feel so heavy all the time, like I just feel Yeah. it's a So if someone listening to this is having an operation or is likely to be quite suddenly introduced to menopause, what would you say I would say there's lots of support services out there. if you feel your your care provider isn't giving you what you need. There are loads of support places out there there's a place called Pachers, which deals with caus and cancer There's loads. So reach out to them. There's a whole system of people like we like women and we will support each other and help each other, they can guide you where you can get like really good advice and how donon't feel you're alone that it's really isolating, you know, because it's only happening to you, you know, Only you know what's going on. You see the difference in yourself like the brain fog is crazy G going back on stage was so hard for me and I still struggle with it now. I can be in the middle of a set and just forget Well I'm saying Just forget what the next bit is, something that I've written myself and that I know and have been saying for so long and it just goes. And I don't, you know, obviously as comedians, we can add lib, you have to be, you know, we're on all the time when we're on stage I can't even do that when it when I get that blank, I can't do that. like now if you ask me, I could make a joke out of this cup you know, like that. But when I get that brainfall, I'm just like daring headlights. You can't you just go There's nothing I can do. I just have to wait it out. And that's like it's really hard on stage with everyone looking at you. It's so hard. I mean, you know, you do gigs and you trip over a line and you think, well, that's That's fucked it. Yes. you know, they's ruin that joke. they've lost confidence in me So do I have to go Sorry guys, I just forgot Yes. Beacause also it reminds them that you're even remembering something Because to them, it's like, they're saying this the first time arerenn't they They're talented, areren't they clever to just come up with all this stuff Exactly. They're looking behind the curt and you're like So like we're coming to the end of this this chat. It's been amazing to talk to you And I think what connects all of those different Elements we've talked about Your faith yourour marriage, your family, comedy cancer the menopause you seem to have I know you said you're not particularly confident and you're not particularly U, You know, you don't find it easy to advocate for yourself, but you do seem to have at each juncture really been able to demand what you deserve. and I know so many people listening will struggle with that enormously, especially when it comes to abusive relationships, especially when it comes to healthcare, womomen's healthcare So If there were any tools or any tips or advice you could give people listening who struggled demand what's best for them and sometimes are so like indoctrinated to not being given what they deserve that they even forget to ask for it So I think it's a self esteem issue And I think I would say to them, you are worth it This is your body. You're not asking for something That is extraordinary. You're not saying, can you get me the diamond, that ruby thing from the Titanic? Like do you know what I mean? You're not asking for the king's crown. you're just asking for something that you are entitled to and that you're worth Have in These are basic, basic needs and basic things and you deserve it. O to ask And I think Also when when you're going into maybe difficult situations or conversations Don' donon't forget or remind yourself what it is that you want and always say to yourself, they're going push back They're going to push back. So when they do do you do? You re emphasize what you need So have these plans may be. as to what, you know, like if they say this I just need to make sure I go back with what I want to say. and I think that's so true to prepare yourself so that you don't find yourself improvising because it's so easy then to just sort of please in the room or you know, take the line of least resistance.. But even to the extent of writing things down when you're going into a conversation with whether it's a partner or Someone in a support services or your GP. Yes, you know, write down the simple statements about what you want and I'm not going to leave until I get them. Yes, exactly. And can you know, you can have it on your phone or like you said, a piece of paper and just keep on saying to the doctor, Oh, there was something, whoever you're talking to, J, I was sorry I don't want to forget what I want to say so I'm just checking here And you don't have to read it out like a story, just have maybe points or read it as a story if you're comfortable, but just remember that. rememember why you went in there and Um and if they if they if they say no, then Light if you're not getting It's not getting, it's not a night People just want to be heard. You know what I mean? People want to be heard. And if the answer is no, if at least you've been heard, you know? I mean? when it's difficult when you feel like you're not being heard or listened to or not being taken seriously and stuff and that's when you can start to feel angry or shitty about yourself So yeah, don't forget, just go back, prepare that there might be resistance and go back. like get ready to kind of like go back. You don't have to be aggressive. or anything, you can just say, o, but I'm really not feeling Well or I'm really not. this is I'm feeling this And I'm finding it really difficult. I'm struggling. You know, that it doesn't we don't have to be rude or anything like that Well, Fatia, thank you so much for joining us. It's been amazing and tickets are still available for Fatia ass tour Cany stacking doll are online, check out Fatty's website and I'll also give links in the introduction to this So that was my chat with Fata Elgori To be honest, we could have made five episodes, each focused on individual challenges Fati had faced And I was interested to address some of my own preconceptions, how even in preparing my questions, I focused on Fatty's religion over all the many other facets of her personality That said, I love the way she talks about faith and wish more Muslim women had their voices amplified while talking about their religion And I'm so impressed by how resilient she has been