Emotional Responses to Sharing Stories

Hello everyone. It's John here, just letting you know that I have written a book It's called Thirst, twelve drinks that Change My life. and it's out now. In many episodes of How Do you Cope You'll have heard me talk about my relationship with alcohol, and in writing Thirst, I wanted to explore what alcohol means. Why did it mean more to me than other people Why did it mean some things felt better? and why did it mean so many things went wrong I also talk about lots of other things you'll have heard me and my guests discuss on how do you cope? Meditation, physical pain, gratitude, trauma, and therapy There's even a chapter about my bum and its relationship with Buddhism. So if that piques your interest Thirst is out now, and the audiob book, read by me, is available wherever you get audiobooks from Welcome to the Grassute List and I'm delighted to say that Kelsey Waghorn is still with me and is going to share some of the things she's grateful for. And you actually mentioned in our main discussion, you sort of listed meditation, breathwork, gratitude as some things that had been really helpful to you And I guess gratitude will have been in you An your sort of U landscape very early on because when you come out of your coma I guess part of you or part of what people are saying to you is you're lucky you you'll lucky to be in this kind of pain and how And I wondered was that? Was that helpful to you in a sense to go Yes, this is this is a strange version of what luck look what this is what luck looks like Probably not at the time, but lookingking bet Yp Was that way of engaging with your pain to be like You know, because a lot of the people on the island sadly died And I guess pain is the most U mostost intense feeling of being alive. Yeah, I don't think I thought about like that Definitely not at the time, but yeah, I suppose and that kind of had that sort of mindset about it at the time Maybe that would have been helpful When did sort of gratitude enter your toolkit of coping Especially probably about three years after the eruption I started doing it with O of my therapist Sam. And then I actually started doing with my best friend every evening, one of us would set a reminder on their phone to We would do three things we're grateful for and one thing we learn that day and we would do it we did it every day for I don't even know how long, but I mean, some days it was literally just as simple as my coffee wasn' in burnt this morning. It can be literally as simple as that or I get to go to bed in five minutes after I've had this tedious conversation with you So it can literally be that simple. if you've had an absolute shitter of a day, like it can literally be that simple. so And it was always quite funny doing that with them with her for a bad day because you'd end up in stitches one way or the other So it was always quite funy Yeah, someone asked me today I was talking about I was talking about breathing about how I My instinct now is to focus on my breath if I'm stressed. and he said, how do you make that habitual Like how do you make that automatic And I said, well You know, what is a habit You just it's you do it by doing it every day. Yeah. and eventually you stop realizing your're you're not thinking about doing it. So what did you find wereere those initial few gratitude lists like You thought, o this is fun or this is silly or I can't really be bothered or Did you was there a point at which you were like God this actually works in some way. Yeah, yeah. It is quite funny because initially it was just I can't remember which one of us was going through a shit time, but It was just all right, you need to see a bit more light in your life and we're going to do this together because I'm not going to make you do it alone. So it was like we're going to sit in this Hedious little task, fiveive minutes every evening I think my alarm went off at seven PM every night and it was just like we just say three and one And so it was three things you're grateful for. onene thing you learned that day Sometimes the thing you learned was that I don't like doing this But in the next st I've learned that I would like to retract last night's learning and it was that I actually do like doing this. so It could be as tedious as that or it could be like really deep and meaningful. L maybe you've had this same very insightful day. Sometimes it was quite deep that you'd learnnt I know something in therapy that I do this as a coping mechanism. and it's like, yeah, you do So it's yeah, it can be or as shallow as it needs to be on the day, which is quite cold, but Yeah, you sort of start looking for things during the day like o that could be part of my three and one Oh, that could be part of my three in one. So you do kind of start looking for things a bit more and Yeah, I mean, obviously, that's always good is when you're looking for things to be grateful for and you go, hell yeah, they got my coffee order right or like Gas was a bit cheaper today, like little things like that. And so You start looking for them so that you're prepared for that list in the evening. So even though it was almost like it felt like a little bit like a competition sometimes. Yeah, you start looking for it during the day, which obviously is good because you're always looking for good things to like I can be grateful for that. And like even though it feels like it's like a competition Like you start goinging, o, I love that. L And you start making note of those things, which is cool and it becomes a habit And you start to notice smaller things That's something I've found really good is like just taking a bit more pleasure in tiny things and noticing more than stuff I would usually just like walk past. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. like even it can be as basic as like the sunrise or The house didn't blow down in the cyclone last week, which was good But yeah, like findy things or like I don't know Selly little things, like spider in my room core fly when it's ear it's right to be there for another week sort of thing. Yeah, it can be it doesn't have to be deep I mean, and then you can take that into the whole of life. It doesn't have to be so deep What bigger spider are we talking though? Oh not there though. would not tolerate much bigger than Well, then let's today. I mean, usually I ask guests to do five, but can we do a three and one Yeah, we can do it as. I mean, keep in mind for me it is T ten minutes past eight, so I've not learnt much. had I've had about three hours to learn something, but I'll come up with something l Okay, well let's do an early morning three and one because it's nine o'clock here. so I'm obviously full of great load. load Yeah I'll be crafing a worldirs. What's the first thing on your three and one please? My three and one it wasn't raining this morning I because I always walk my dog first thing in the morning and so the last few days We've had like full on thunder and lightning, which has been incredible I can't take my dog out in there because it's not safe. so It was nice to actually go out and it'd be like a beautiful sunrise rather than preoads a bit with it y and the risk of being struck by lightning. So it's one thing I'm grateful for today I've never thought of entering the world of things that had not happened to be grateful for That like gives me so many more options. I know, and it's just it. didnid't fall over today Be grateful for that I know. Another day where I didn't ship myself. That's ten thousand days in a row. No No, you've really learnnt something. 'cause this mning to drink Also what you do with the dog if you can't walk them? Do they just sort of run round the house? No, he gets walked regardless, just I mean, like the day before yesterday Um withith the thunder and lightning, it was like, well, I guess I'll feed you first. and then hopefully when the thunder and lightning goes away, you'll get whped later. So It always gets walked Every single day there's two walks without fail, that's the least I can do for him And what would be the second thing on your three and one? My coffee. coffee this morning Keep in mind, I've already been awake foright since five thirty so pushing two and a half hours of gratitude But that's like people in New Zealand take coffee Mad seriously, Yeah We did that start? I don't know Maybe we just need a bit of paper the morning. What don't not Some of the best coffee I've ever had has been in New Zealand. Good It should be that way I've also heard that a lot of people overseas will go to Kiwi run cafes because they know the coffee will be good, which is really cool. I love being know for that. Do you have is your coffee your first drink of the day? Is that like your ceremony? What's your sort of waking ceremony? You said you've been up since half five, which is quite early That's my normal. That's like I don't I'm not, I'm not P sleep and, I never have been able to er dad was waking me up when I was young early. or u I have always had jobs where you're getting up early. So I worked in cafes U And then For White Island toourers, we would be on the boat. it's by seven, six sometimes I've always been a morning person so my morning routine, which I'm absolutely firm on and I hate it being interrupted Um I wake up, I walk my dog of And then I come home, he gets fed, I get fed, and then the day can proceed from that. And that is my abbsolutely stripped day off routine But the last few days have actually been a bit chaotic and that's not happening and both of us are a bit Dcomulated So you said you'd recently resigned from your job. You're looking forward to getting that routine going again Yeah, I I'm looking forward to having both no routine and creating new ones. I like I think one of my last Instagram posts I'm very good at starting again. I'm very good at wiping slightplain and starting again, whether that's with Friends trihips, jobs life everything like I'm getting very good at it now It's scary, but it's necessary and Yeah, I ennjoy my morning routine every day. So I like fact that I don't have to go to work and I can do that every single day for now for the next couple of weeks while I just sort of actually rest, which I don't feel like I've done in a very long time. so It's nice to have that space Hey have my routine And then also had nothing planned, which is nice. so That feels very free and very lightenning of the load at the moment, which is nice There's it's funny to mention like being good at wiping this late clean and starting again. There's a line I underlined in your book which is where you're talking about this is towards the end of your sort of journey that you covever, you said anything that wasn't adding positively to my life had to go And I really like that kind of line in the sand especially if you've been through so much. It's almost like I just don't have the energy for negativity now. Yeah And I had I literally had this conversation with my friend yesterday We're having coffee and she was telling me about she's had these new friendships in her life, which D it off adding really positively and then have slowly turned to sort of be a little bit of a lech situation. U And she was like And I was like, you keep doing this. you keep attracting these people. I was like this is like your biggest downfall is that you so empathetic that you let them stay longer than they're allowed to. And she was like, well how do I stop attracting these people? And I'm like as soon as you get that first red flag out of get them out. I was just like, stop giving chances. You get pretty cutthroat and like when you've been sort of through how you kind of get quite cutthroat with your energy and your time And so I am quite cutthroat with energy and time and especially being around stupid people If they can't see the wood for the trees, they're just like, I don't have I see to explain this to you. this like abbsolute basic to you. like if you can't even figure this out already I don't actually want to be around this. And so I am quite cutfred. I just said, I don't have that problem because I don't let them get that close. She was like, o, okay just Yeahah But yeah, you get pretty cut throow which It's not a bad thing. likeike it's not a bad thing to ties, whats playing It's good for you. It is good for you and it's good to practice and it's good to do it every like every now and then in whatever regard. is Good for you in that moment I love it, brilliant. So the third thing on your three and one, please Oh, I guess this' actually finally doing this podcast 'cause this has been like months in the making That's very kind of you. Oh no no, it's actually it's been great. I've really thoroughly enjoyed this. So yeah, I'm grateful for this Oh, well, I'm grateful to have you here. I'm grateful to I get to stay in a hotel in London because it's evening here. I get sort of live like a L a traveling kind of, um Executive. that department. I know. L ask being. so corny. We're like, I'm grateful for you U Okay, so now we get to do the one. We've never done the one before This is something you've learned between five thirty AM and eight twenty AM. lastast three hours, what have you learned? Yeah, yeah. You can maybe maybe could be something you learned yesterday. What did I do yesterday? I very good working the sat clean andm not remembering the day before as well U or you go first. I want to know what you've learnt today Okay. Well I've been sleeping, what of you ners Hm Good U I learned that I so I did two I was on two other people's podcasts today. Wow and So I've written I've written a book about drinking and not drinking And there's a chapter in that book which is dedicated to a friend of mine called Lou, who really helped me get help with my drinking, I have learned I cannot talk about that chapter to other people without crying Did you know that there was a thing? I mean, obviously this is your learning, but I like I knew that there were things in it that made me emotional, but both the times the people interviewing me said Oh I really love the chapter you wrote about your friend Lou and immediately my body goes, Don't say anything more or I'm going to cry. It'n't it weird how it happens though, but ' like I've had that with the eruption as well. and like I've just talked about it for what the last hour and twenty minutes with you I can talk about til the cows come home For some reason, whenever there's a camera or a microphone, All my eyes out and it only ever happed when it's being cemented in history and I get really annoyed So the Netflix documentary that I ago in a very different wine spice. U Yeah, I started talking about Hayden Bald myes out and it like while I was crying in my head, I'm like You've literally never ever done this in front of camera before. Why are you doing this now? And you could see they like rubbing their hands together pretty much Finally get some emotion out of me And then when I was doing the audio book, and I's like, I read this book Th hundred times. I lived it. Why am I crying about it now In an audio book, I'm sobbing my way through it. It's just like dumb Do you think it's something about being able to hear your own voice in a slightly different way It is G you really don't know what it is I have no idea every time I am like very poignantly like narrowed in on it. I just b wanted it out and my kid, I'm like whyy is it happening now Yeah. We talk about this all the time. likeike what is going on? But yeah, the book it's like reading my own book. It's like, you've literally read this three thousand times and you one about how doesn't have an effect on you anymore because you've read it so many times and it's like, you are crying way through it. What are you doing So yeah, I get there. L it doesn't really make sense Okay, so that's what I've learned today I've now also learned that this is a known thing that you also have experience of this of suuddenly when the when the red light is on, Yeah. thingsings make you cry a bit more. Yeah. I've learnnt that I am not alone and crying at random times about your own store. Okay, well, that's fantastic. That will suffice as you're learning for today Um say Kelsey Whackhorn's three and one is the fact it's not raining There is coffee Um Wh's the third one How was you