Musical Obsessions and Comfort Television

Hello everyone. It's John here, just letting you know that I have written a book It's called Thirst, twelve drinks that Change My life. and it's out now. In many episodes of How Do you Cope You'll have heard me talk about my relationship with alcohol, and in writing Thirst, I wanted to explore what alcohol means. Why did it mean more to me than other people Why did it mean some things felt better? and why did it mean so many things went wrong I also talk about lots of other things you'll have heard me and my guests discuss on how do you cope? Meditation, physical pain, gratitude, trauma and therapy There's even a chapter about my bum and its relationship with Buddhism. So if that piques your interest Thirst is out now, and the audiob book, read by me, is available wherever you get audiobooks from to the Gratitude list and I'm delighted to say that Scouts Ofia Bolton is still with me. It's given us some extra time to discuss the things that they're grateful for. And we didn't talk a huge amount actually about recovery Reco in main episode, we sort of focused more on mental health and prison and creativity But gratitude is inccreasingly quite a big part of the Itort of like twelve step recovery world. Has it played a part in the last two and a half years of your sobriety Definitely. and it's that thing of being really disappointed to find out that it works and that neuroplasticity is real and that you can just if you are grateful for things and voice that to yourself every day, you're going to start to feel happier about life and then you're like, oh, I can't believe, I can't believe the bullshit is real But it is so I have I mean, I try to keep a daily gratitude list, but I keep keeping up my streak on my special self care app But I do try and do it as much as I can and I've got like a white board next to my bed All right. even if it's just one thing that week and I can keep looking at it And that's the thing that's keeping me hanging on So what would be the first item on today's list The first thing I know is goes completely without saying is my two children We car, We didn't talk about your kids they might not talk about them now N two kids U yeah. They're just amazing and There was the thing before we had children, me and my ex partner but were like We're ready Great as co parents and we've got a really good relationship. so We hang out all the time, you know We both said we need to do a bit of work on ourselves as people if we're going to have kids. So I put myself in therapy and believed that I was now cured of all of my emotional problems and I can probably come out with therapy and now we can have kids But it's like that thing of donon't know that you have ye You can't fix the stuff you do in relationships that needs to be fixed unless you get into a relationship to test out to see if you fixed it. It was a bit like that with having kids, you kind of just learn on the job and you have to learn really fast. You've got no other option but to and luckily It turned out that Fear. of having giving anyone a childhood like what I had Instead, it didn't manifest itself as just a repeating of the cycle. And there was a conscious effort to break the cycle And as a result, I'm so happy to say that I've got kids that so obviously know they're loved and the reason why there on my gratitude list is they are such examples of Such h just happy Little humans And I just I just love and then they reflect that happiness back to you. And I just love they've just got their own quirky little personalities and we learn stuff from them every day like my eldest son is currently obsessed with all things to do with geography So he's teaching us stuff every single day about his his favorite place because it's like the coldest place in Rusia is Yakutski So we talk about that every day And then my youngest who's five will just come into the room and then say, I think the earir is the funniest part of the body and then leave and you lie I think he's onsome. I think he is. And the thing about having kids it's like It's like a famous celebrity has moved into your home and for some reason They look up to you more than anyone else in the world. It's like Bowie has moved in, and they're like, you're the coolest people I've ever met. boy thinks we' cool. It's just like the cool it's just the best it's the best thing in the world. I'm grateful for them every minute every day. So I mean, whilst I feel like I almost didn't want to put them on the list because I felt that should go without saying like that's the background of all my gratitude They put them on the list. Yeah, definitely. Perfect. I love them And forever. So how old were they when you went to prison they were so they were four and sick, no, they weren't three in five, threeree and five. Oh my Godd because that's how long ago it was. And what was that How was that experience them if it's possible to sort of I don' I don't really know u At that time they had a bit of an absent mother anyway, because even though there was no custody changes And I had fifty percent custody the way that me and call parent have agreed. it was always it's always been that if I start to get unwell She will take on extra responsibilities because she's very good at knowing when I'm poorly, even when I'm past the point of knowing She can kind of say, I'm thinking of taking the kids for the weekend, like she can, you know, u So I was going to hospital a lot anyway and You know, I'm ashamed to say that during addiction I wasn't around. I wasn't around Because especially when I was going through like really horrifying alcohol withdrawals couldn't let them see that so I was an absent mum and also in the pits of depression, I did isolate myself from them. And this is really grim It was to prepare them for me not being around because I had made plans for me never being around ever again um So I wasn't around I just thought, o, it needs to be that they'll never miss me. they'll never remember me. It was like I was never here. U So as far as they're concerned, when I went to prison had just gone to hospital again, it was normal What's changed now is we have a like an actually normal relationship I'm around every single day and it's hard to imagine it was Any different to that And is that quite a big part of your sobriety and what where you go if you're feeleing like your sobriety isn't very strong, do you go to that relationship you have with your kids So recently I was I was I was meant to have a date with someone, but they were An hour and fifteen minutes later, so I told them not to bother coming. H unacable. So I went back to the B andB alone, which was fine because I love being alone There was a complimentary bottle of Proseco in the fridge. And that was the first time in my life I've been alone with the alcohol. firstirst time sorry since This Sobriety. Gu like that scene in flight. Have you seen flight? I haven't Watch it D Washington was in his hotel room the night before the big trial And he sees through the adjoining door that the hotel room next to his has got like a mini bar in the fridge. Don't do it, Danzil Well, spoiler all that. Denzil does it y hundred. But I know if I'm booking like an Airbnb or a U Even I've even a vaguely nice hotel have to add in the comments. Now there know I'm going to do that base because I wasn't to know My day she probably would have drank it. That would have been fine. But I've never it was there and For the first time ever first time in this sobriety I considered it to the point where I picked it up, I held the weight of it, the heft of it And I turned it around to see what the percentage was took me right back, I got a real sense memory to being in the supermarket to find the most alcohol with a high percentage, you know And it was eight percent. and I thought That'd be fine. I wouldn't even get that drunk And then I put it back in the fridge And I immediately fastimed my children and chat it to them And I thought, right, what I'm seeing on the screen is obviously way more important than that in the fridge. So that's fine And whilst I knew it was there I didn't go back and check up on the alcohol anymore like a baby and see see how it was doing. I didn't And but it was like that was the immediate thought was I need to speak to my kids right away And they don't know, they don't know. like I'm an addict, they don't need to know None it's none of their business and I mean that with love I don't need to sit them down and give them the horror story. They don't need to know it. Maybe when they're older and they start wanting to drink and party themselves, maybe they'll have a conversation But they don't and I never want to give them the responsibility of you're keeping me sober. like I never want to give them that job It's not their job, but it's the biggest reason Amazing Fantastic. What's the second thing on your list Sugar free energy drinks, mate Okay. Sugar free energy drinks. First of all, nice to hold a tiny Yeah. Big Tinney. Second of all, a lot of the well all the psychiatric meds I take are all really sedating So antipsychotics, I think their vibe is you can't be manic if you're asleep. And they' so and I take a high dose take the schizophrenic dose, which is super high which means if if I'm not some level of caffeinated throughout the day. I'm asleep. all I'm slur in my words and then everyone thinks I'm back on the piss So I keep my caffeine levels quite high and it's funny really, because like the way that the chemicals work with the antipsychotics and then the caffeine gets involved, sort of then they're added together. I'm like on an even keel. And I'm walking around feeling this slight slush chemicals thinking, is this what a normal person feels like through the day? No, but it's something akin to that And I like them and it's still like a treat beverage that I get for myself that isn't alcohol and I get to hear the noise of the Pull in and that's enough. And I do I do drink alcohol free beer and again, I know that sometimes people say you never should I didn't for the first year And now I'm cool with it But but my big treat drink is, yes sugar free I'm not that I'm not that fussy about the brand When I'm when I'm really treating myself, I'll go out with a red buull But nah How's your sleep U you know what? I take my ms I'm good. I've always had terrible sleep And that's because I have my own I've always just been someone who is up at night and then sleep through the day where they can and I'm lucky that I can. I drop the kids at school. I come home and take a nap. It's all good and But yeah, I just I just like I just like them. And at this point, I'm not even sure they're doing much. I think I've got a tolerance now. But they're there and I love them and if they're not around it it is an addiction. If they're not around, I'm like, where can I get a monster? I need to get master But I am grateful for them for keeping me awake G stuff will be the next thing Okay, it's Getting my eyelash is done, but from the specific girl does my eyelashes. What's her name? She's called Poppy She's wonderful She is an artist She's Based in a tattoo studio. How cool is that So I get to I go to the back and I get my tatties, there's also a one stop shop but It's so nice because it's like It's one of those things that you do for yourself that's like expensive enough that you're aware it's a luxury But it's not so expensive that you can't justify having done that for yourself and You lie there for two hours Really? With your eyes closed, having a beauty treatment. And you get to do that once a month and then you can bob by for infills if, you know But Poppy's great because I'll go to her and I'll say Poppy, I've had an idea about colour placement she'll chat to me. And so yeah, and she indulges those whims for me and she's never saying that's silly. Wh do you think you are? How many options are there with lashes? Is a cl jong Really? Yeah, we're talking about volume, shape. Color, Cor placement So right now If you wonder in I've got a full volume dolly. There's with the white at the corners, that's something me and Poppy came up with Right because I thought that'd be a nice Cuella deville kind. That was something we did months ago like Halloween and it stuck. And then there's just flecks of blue in there just Epise suly That was yeah, she's great. and I just love and I no matter where I end up moving to, no matter where I end up, I am going to come back. poppy do my lashes. Well I always I have my in the place where I get my haircut Well guys And it's always a big mood lift if I get the guy I want. Yeah sort of on rotation. And you can chat as well. Maybe. I mean it's more that he's the only one who gives me a good haircut. Is it that you don't all haircuts is good. Yeah So I I mean, you can just ask, right? can't you Whatoo? No Beuse it's like you can't book. You just go in and turn up and there's sort of an unwritten code that is surprisingly Cal coming from you. It's next in line because there's bigger boys around, so I don't want to go. Actually I'd like him because he does my h you sort of have to go to the next one. I still get in my head about it Maybe I'll just go in and demand him does mean I going need to learn his name But yeah, we're not we're not a chatty couple Okay, so we've got kids, suugar free energy drinks, poppy lashes What's number five it's crazy. It's nominative determinism, she's. Elliot Smith. Oh wow Okay, here we are. That' getet you down when you No, high? Quite the opposite, mate. Really? He gets it he really gets it. The Epathy there is unreal it's that thing of when you're a teenager and you first discover a band and you're like, you gets it, man, Nobbody gets me. I still feel like that teenager with Elliot Smith. I have a ritual? That is very real and very important. And I urge anyone to do it with their favorite musician band. Every day I have Elliot Hour And it's an hour where I know I've got nothing on. And that's my time to listen to Elliot Smith. Not the same Elliot Smith songs every time. sometometimes Heatmiser, you know, so long as Ela Smith is involved in some way and I don't look at my phone put it on silent. I'm not interested. I will take my watch off. so even that's not bothering me and I just lie down and listen Elliot Smith or I'll write and listen to Elliot Smith whatever But I'm listening to Elliot Smith in that time. I need to do it for the sake of my mental health I love him so much and it's just A I can't I can't describe it. it's just the way the music is playing off the lyrics It just feels suupernatural It just feels like there's something happening there. that I cannot explain And the only way I can explain it is Elliot just got it He just got it so bad. He did he's also got such a distinct musical style There's not there's no one else that really plays the guitar like him. and also you can Whenever someone is influenced by him, you can tell it in an instant. Yeah because there's try to sound like Elliot Smith? There's certain chord changes, which you are like, that's Elliot Smith. Only Elliot Smith can be Elliott Smith. There aren't many people you could say You know, hear something go, That's Elliot Smith I just find him so just that he s this punk who just like just showed up being like, oh by the way, I've got this like G on cult of like we' of playing now But yeah oh yeah, super sad. obviously There's something. There's just So just profoundly intelligent with his emotions too God yeah. Every day Elliot's us all day every day and I'm grateful. because you know, when I was in prison And I got got the job on MPR whilst in prison I said because the thing they had called deja vu. It was where you take a deep dive into an artist or an artum or something talk about it and feel like an h documentary and play the music and stuff as I want to do that. I wanted to Ellliot Smith. and the reason I chose Eliot Smith was first of all because Yeah, I love to talk about him, but I knew that if I did that then they would have to download The songs I asked for And for the first time in prison, I could listen to AiS.. And they let me just sit at the computer and have a little cry to myself My friend Robin plays music a little bit like Elliot Smith, I have to send you a link. Yeah because I think you get a lot out of that So what's the final thing on your gratude list? Final thing L, don't judge me off this being my favorite show. It's not because I think it's like prerestige or anything like that, but it is my favorite show. House M day Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the best show I've made. Yeah I mean I like I like things like I like like breakaking bed and Mart Menisuff, Th those are amazing But in if we're talking if we're talking in terms of like rewatchability for me Breakaking bad mid, you know? Okay. House MD I don't know how many times I've gone through it now, but like I'm at the stage now where pick and choose the episodes I want to watch And the first time I watched it all the way through I remember it made me feel really clever because like one or two I was like, I know what that is It's alcohol withdrawal. Yeah, yeah And I think too about that No I just love it so much. It follows the same formula every single episode, so I don't need to worry about that. I love the moment that House has when he's talking to Wilson every week where his eyes widen and he stops dead in his tracks He's figured it out. it's sarcooidosis. But I just love it so much. I couldn't get past like a lot of Brits, I couldn't get past H Larry's accent to begin with But my God, he becomes that role. He does. You just get over it And there's an episode where there's a fancy dress party And he goes dressed up as like We'aring a regency wig. Does he? And I'm like, he did that for us. And I took a picture of the screen and I got a picture of Prince George and I was like sending it to all my friends. Look, they didn't care. I was like, lookook. I was so excited. It's such a great show. It is so good. Even the bad series. E House is a bad guy. I don't think don't worry I don't think he's a good guy. I think he's horrible He's got a heart of God underneath you all Well, it's sort of like a feature because he's essentially it's Sherlock Holmes, but in in a hospital Houson Wilson. And he has got that. Oh yeah I'm a Matson. I've not made that connection before. But he's got that coldness, that slight unlikeability which makes you like him more Like Yeah because he's playing hard to get with the viewer. Yeah Yeah, he's not trying to Like Holmes is never really trying to Um deear himself to anyone, but he's trying to impress people He likes the sort of quite dramatic flourish. He likes to make a little bit of theatre about things. Yeah because there's an episode where he shoots a guy who's already been our topsied in the head