Footwear Comfort and Finding Purpose

Hello everyone. It's John here, just letting you know that I have written a book It's called Thirst, twelve drinks that Change My life. and it's out now. In many episodes of How Do you Cope You'll have heard me talk about my relationship with alcohol, and in writing Thirst, I wanted to explore what alcohol means. Why did it mean more to me than other people Why did it mean some things felt better? and why did it mean so many things went wrong I also talk about lots of other things you'll have heard me and my guests discuss on how do you cope? Meditation, physical pain, gratitude, trauma, and therapy There's even a chapter about my bum and its relationship with Buddhism. So if that piques your interest Thirst is out now, and the audiob book, read by me, is available wherever you get audiobooks from Hello everyone, welcome to the Gratude List. And before we start, just a quick flag that this episode contains discussions of suicide On this topic, see the links in the show notes I'm delighted to say that Jason Fox still with us here on How to you Cope for the Gratitude list. and um, Just Ily got lost inf whichich is kind of embarrassing considering what my old job was, but there we go You have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs next time So we didn't really get into gratitude in the main up, but has that been a part of your sort of learning to be a bit more present and flipping that mindset from dwelling to reflecting Yeah Although the word gratitude was because I know I've got a mate who does the whole gratitude thing all the time use the word but I do, you know grateful I became quite I know COVID was a Horrendous time so many people I became quite grateful during that period as well. I used to be so petrified of boredom board and I actually embraced it and was very grateful for Boreom having that space And we how were you in that sort of, I guess government sanctioned boredom How were you dealing with like with your internal system? did it take a while for it to sort of calm down or did you go, I have to do this. This is like a mission to be bored. So let's just sort of relax into it. Yeah, I think the military are pretty good at that stuff because you spend a lot of time in government sanctioned boredom. You know, everyone thinks it being in the The Marines or the spepecial forces is all about absolute chaos and adrenaline and most of his sat around doing nothing because there's nothing to do. So maybe I was already Semy had for it You know, it's just on a isn on an industrial level, wasn't it What would you use to sort of switch off in those periods of inactivity, knowing that something might be coming at any moment I just lay on the sofa and stare into space. Yeah lookingoo up at the guy took it to that level where I literally enjoyed the silence. Well, let's write your first grphe list for you What would be what would be number one on your list My family. Yeah. Yeah very, very grateful. I'm lucky to veryery lucky to have of them And what do you get from them and what do they get from you to know what they get from me. headache Uh, no. um I get happiness from them U I'm never, I'm never lonely which is a nice thing. I don't mind being alone I'm never lonely It's amazing thing. I'm really, really grateful for it And what's the sort of stuff you're really good at in a in a sort of family crisis or a family situation. what are your jobs My jobs are to calm situations down when they become a little bit Okay when there's noise, I think I'm better at removing noise by being c I can't believe I'm saying this I am like there'll be a lot of people that know me from the past and they'll be like, what the fuck But I'm like actually really good it. making things calmer by being quiet I think I've learnnt that over time that to combat noise with noise doesn't work. You've doubled the noise. Yeah, exactly and you've intensified the stress levels Be quiet I think that's I'd like to think that that's my, My speciality in the relationship is to bring bring a level of calm. And I guess useful in a a military setting because You can't you were talking earlier about how well people communicate in sort of training we' in combat You can't communicate if two people are shouting at each other. No. You can't sort of get a message across this' just too much no. I mean, we've all been there. I've been there more times than I care to to sort of remember but Yeah, it's just it's unhelpful What would be the second thing on your list My health belieility to Keep an eye on my health and in check I think yeah, I'm happy with that. But and that goes physical and mental I'm actually really All wrapped up into one I'm really grateful for my journey with mental health actually Maybe that would come before health thing mayaybe that has been the reason why I am so focused on my health and the health of people around me So what would you say are the main in that journey of mental health What are the main sort of turning points along that route in a positive way Well, what are the sort of like in my head I might say Okay, that downown of that relationship was a an end of one period then negative period of drinking, then I got sober. So I might see that journey as kind of like positive and negative things that have that have got me Well, I think u ditch moment is a is a turning point but a very early one and one where I wasn't realizing too much about what was going on. I didn't understand it. biggest one. And the and the one where I take the most positives from is Ping suicide I think that was the That was the turning point for me where I suddenly realized I was Blling myself If if things have got that bad I've not been honest with myself and I think That for me was the most important one So This might sound like a very Cold question What was it that stopped you going from contemplating taking your own life doing it What happened in your head chose the wrong mechanism for a stark because I'm scared of ice and I was on the top of a cliff. Right. So maybe I wasn't I wasn't completely So you'd gone as far as to Yeahgin I had a meltdown and I was like Things weren't going right in my life Oh yeh Everything was falling apart. I'd lost the job and career that I loved. A relationship at the time was absolutely catastrophic The job that I was in I hated because I wasn't giving it the chance that it deserved and I wasn't in a great head space. And I thought that my time would was done. I thought I've served my purpose. I'm an absolute burden to everyone else just and then I got there. I joke when I talk about the fucking hight thing, but ultimately it was me. I suddenly realized that I'm giving up. And that didn't sit right with me It was the giving up and the fact that there was going to be a big old fallout from it And no That not scared eyes. But no it was about it didn't sit right at me and it was that whole like, are you fucking giving up? And then I was like, hang on What if I'm do if this is if this has got this bad, what am I what am I doing wrong and then it suddenly dawned on me. E though I'd been to see someone in the medical center, even though I'd been going through therapy, the whole time I was in therapy in the military I was fucking lying to myself I wasn't believing that there was an issue to address, and so I wasn't engaging probablyably the most frustrating fucking patient because as just say wor. And got this moment happened, yeah. And did so did you sort of Was that going back to you've seen before and saying, I want to do this game, but I want to do it properly or was it seeking out someone new It was all so it's really difficult to remember how it all into place, but I think the cliff that meltdown day. free me finding They therapist, it was awesome, Alex Pe from Tornets She has a lot to choose from in top N I. There is, yeah. she's awesome And what was it about? her approach that made Herlesome. A D'ay I was kind of like When I first met, I was like this isn't going work. there's no way I'm a fucking hippie. and then turns out I am. So what do you mean by went it's funny when I've since of S I managed to me and Matt who did the book together, we reached out to her Be I wanted her to be a part of the book. I wanted her to have some input because she was so pivotal and I was talking to we went for a walk around where we used to go for walks and I was like, Well, I turned up for that one session in the clinic and then told you that I didn't really like being indoors and that I wanted to be outside and you like brilliant breath of fresh air. let's go out I know these woods She wass like, You fucking joking. She goes We had like eight sessions in the clinic before we came to this revelation and I was like As us know how I remember it Isn't that mad? It is mad, Yeahah. And actually when I look back on my time going through those dark periods, I always Remember it, the weather being shit It wasn't. It was it was like fucking two years worth of weather. I know UK's bad, but it ain't that bad but that's how I remembered it. But yeah, so u I didn't think that I would connect and actually we used to go for nice walks around. Woods of Dartington down near Dartmouth and And how did you find her through the guy that employed me in the job that I hated who was an amazing bloat he once saw me at a work do and was like, A you're all right Yeah am fine, any guys I think I think there's some stuff to unpack. He goes,'m going I'm going to help you and it was through him Oh wow. He um he He allowed me to use So the employment package that he had for me when I wasn't entitled to it He's an unbelievable guy That's incredible. I was lucky. I've been a lucky person What's the fourth thing on your list H Probably these shoes, I don't know whether you're allowed to fucking talk Of course but they're They're like a barefoot shoe. They incorporate barefoot technology. It doesn't matter what brand they are. Okay, let me get a good look at these shoes because I'm in a bit of a I'm in shoe hell at the minute. Wh? I got Athritic bigig toe And I stand like a clown So I can't have anything like barefoot. that if I had that bend on the sole of my shoe, I would be limping. I really. So I have to have very firm soles. But I also have to have orthotics in my running shoes recently because my ankle bashed because I'm protecting that toe. It's so boring. but I am into the shoes scene So the they They look like normal shoes, kind of, but I get a bit of grief for them. Do you Well, yeah, because they're wider I've got I believe I'm talking about it I've got wide feet. And I size f for you? ten and a half. I've got some Trail running shoes you can have. Okay. They're wide. Are they?il Yeah, okay, I'll send them to King So these these things are brilliant. I am I've always I've got wide feet I always feel like my feet are restricted And then I found out about these and I found out about these just after I broke my leg few years ago And I was having serious dramas with I had an operation to fix the brake. was it was free there was free brakes and u p and I was just not getting on with anything and my ankle was killing me found out about these and I'll give him a go because I was just struggling a bit like, you know what you're saying there And they've been revolutionary. Wow. and and the feet get to feel like Amazing. I don't use them all the time. you know, there's times when if I'm up mountains proper cutting the mustard, they don't offer the protection and they do boots as well, but they just don't, they're not rigid enough at times I'm so grateful for these. My feet feelree I sound like such a loser, but Wide and gray. I'm the same with the shoes I'm wearing at the minute. which are just not really appropriate dress for any event. But I wear them to all of them regardless And I got over like thinking, can I wear what can I wear with a suit? It's like, I don't want to be in pain all day. I'll just say to someone, I'm wearing these arere the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn. I think you're allowed to do that nowadays I think you are I used to stress I still stress about dress codes and what is acceptable in certain I don't know, settings So whenever someone There's a dress code and it says, smart casual that freeds me out. I' Well, I get stressed about funeral attire becausecause it's the added thing of like respectful but they black Yeah, but every funeral I've been to recently. You know, this is not the most important part of a funeral, but Everyone seems to be just wearing what they're comfortable in. I thinkig it's an old school thing in it black mayaybe the person that People that die probably just want you to be absolutely comomfortable. Yeah Okay, so weve got family Your mental health journey, your health, barefoot shoes. we need one more thing, work even though you're stressed about the thing on Thursday