Single Parenthood and Final Reflections

The choice to beccome a parent is as personal as it is complex, and there are countless questions to work through before taking the first step What if there was someone who could guide you through how to make the best decision for your life That's what our friends at Life Kit are getting into today. Life Kit reporter, Andy Tagel, sat down with psychotherapist and author of the book, The Baby Decision. Merle Bumbard Dairy They talk through regret, figuring out a timeline that works for you and how to navigate the conversation with your partner Okay, y'all, take it away You're listening to Life Kit from NPR Hey, it's Maryielle You know, I feel lucky to live in a time in which becoming a parent is increasingly a choice, right? Not just the default setting for your life path or the next natural step It's a big deal to bring another life into the world. and deciding if you want to do that is a question that's bound to raise a bunch more. The baby decision is never just about baby or no baby It is who am I Who is my partner Where whereere as a couple What hasn't happened yet that we want to have happen before we die Merl Bomberarder is a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and author of a book called The Baby Decision. She's been coaching people through this choice about whether to have a child since she was twenty nine. So it's almost fifty years I've been doing this and I love doing it. Merl started down this path after facing her own baby decision when her then boyfriend proposed to her She told him no at first because she knew he absolutely wanted kids. and she was pretty sure she didn't. An He just said, Well, you know, you'll change your mind. You know, our love will continue at some point. You'll just want to have a child. And I said, Oh, we can't be sure of that So they talked about it over several months, what the future could look like with a child and without one what they each wanted for themselves and where they might be able to compromise And here's a pro tip. A really, really important thing in my being able to make the decision is that I found role models. In her case, she talked to the mothers coming in and out of the university daycare center where she worked. Many of them were faculty or grad students. They said, life is really, really busy right now. It's really, really hard these first few years But we love both, we love both lives. And you know, we know that parentthood is going to get easier. So yes, we are feminists and, you know very adamant to continue our careers, and we're also mothers. Merle has two daughters now was her choice Yours might be different And she says there's no right or wrong as long as you make a choice intentionally rather than letting time or fate decide for you Because she's found that's how regret and resentment can creep in I really believe that child free should be the default We should assume that everyone is going to be child free unless they actively choose to have a child because they value that. they want to add a child to their lives On this episode of Life Kit, how to decide whether to become a parent Life Hit repeporter Andy Tagel is going to talk to Merle about minimizing regret about the myth of the lonely only child. and about how to deal when your partner wants something completely different from you So much of the handwringing about the baby decision, it seems, comes down to Reret, just plain and simple. Is it possible? Not to have regrets, to be totally certain about being a parent or being child free I would say no. The word decide comes from a Latin written meaning to cut away from. So every decision involves losws. we've decided to have a child. You're giving up all the control and the freedom and the excitement and the ability to have a really undiluted relationship with your partner if you're in a relationship and so on If you decide to be child free, you're giving up experiencing a baby, maybe seeing what the genes and the appearance and the talents of you and your partner will be like, who's going to be around your table when you're sixty. What I say is don't ask, willill I regret my decision? Ask which decision will I regret least. And what makes this decision work so hard is that because people are trying to make the decision and they want to make the right decision and they're terrified, they won't, they have a very unrealistic picture of how they're going to spend the rest of their life. You know, regret might be you know, a little twinge, or a little awareness here and there Once they start enjoying and living their life, They're not going to be thinking about regrets all the time. And when there are twinges, that can say, well, you know, that's normal, that's human, and we made a good choice and we're enjoying our lives. But when people think they have to make the perfect choice, they really paint themselves into a corner. You're holding back without knowing it because of that day care that you might need to be saving for because of X,YZ. Exactly. And when people make decisions actively, they feel in control They feel like they made a wise choice together So when the problems come up, they put them in that context Whereas people who have an accidental pregnancy or just drift into being child free never really have a finite decision and that energy of not making the decision is actually exhausting. So the conscious decision allows people to know what they're doing, why they're doing it, and make the most of whichever life they choose Take away one Either side of this decision is going to come with regrets At least down then So There's no perfect choice. There's just the right choice for you. That's said I did ask Merl if there was any way to have both worlds And to my surprise, she said, yes Actually, in a way, there is The answer If it makes sense, wait to have a baby until you're thirty eight. thirty eight is great. I have to caution because if you have reasons to expect fertility problems and you're thirty, I would not suggest you wait until you're thirty eight or you're thirty nine. But actually a lot of the people that we work with Start having a child at thirty eight or thirty nine You were eighteen when you first became an adult, you've had twenty years to travel, get established in your career, get to know your partner, your desires, your commitments, what you care about and so on And you're much more ready to be a parent You're able to have a smaller world that feels big inside because you love your child, for instance So people who do have a child around thirty eight have a way in which they have both lives If that magic number doesn't feel like the answer Takeway to is It's okay to feel stuck There are some people out there who always knew they wanted to be a daddy or that they never ever wanted to go through pregnancy. But Moros' many, many others are just right in the middle. or maybe leading slightly in one direction sixty forty And if that's your split, she says, that's a good start because that's the beginning of a decision And in her experience, she's found that eighty twenty is about as solid as it gets for a lot of people Just something to keep in mind as we move forward Let's talk about a few ways to get a little closer to the decision that you will regret the least. I know there's a lot of great exercises that you offer people. I wonder if you have a favorite one that youd like to start with. One that I like to start with is the chair dialogue you don't do with your partner, you don't do with an audience. You put two chairs facing each other and you sit in one chair and say, Of course I'm going to have a baby. I've longed for this all my life and I want my parents to have grandchildren. it's going to be fun. it's going be great. And they go sit in the other chair and say I'm terrified of pregnancy. I don't like children And let those two voices argue it out. And I really emphasize, you're not making a list of pros and cons. you're trying to listen to the body language. You sit in one chair, you feel more alert, you feel more animated, O side is angry, one side is pleading. And so you get a lot of information. And people usually just know when the energy is changed And what I love about this is so many people will just be so surprised. they'll say I thought I really was fifty fifty, and my child's voice is so much stronger than I thought my child free voice is so much stronger because I thought having kids is what people do and because my partner and my parents wanted, of course I was going to have a child. And until I heard this voice, I didn't realize that maybe my truest self and my happiest self would be a child free person. So this can get you clear on your own values about the two sides. And that's why you want to do it by yourself. And then you can bring those values to a conversation with a partner if you have one. Yes, exactly Next one I had here is the knapsack exercise So you imagine you have a very, very large knapsack on your back and you're going on a hike that you're really enjoying. And all of a sudden, your baby is there and your baby kicks a hole in the knapsack and everything starts to fall out. What's falling out? And you can think of that symbolically. it could be a tennis rackquet, you know it could be a typewriter, if you're a writer, it could be a lab beaker if you're a biochemist It can be imagining being able to wake up late on Sunday morning with your partner and not having to talk to anyone or do anything. So Looking thinking about what's falling out, one question is, how do you feel about that? and it could be, that's horrible. I would never do that. I'm going to be child free. But for people who choose to be parents, it's really a great invitation to creative thinking. Well, what if we had a child How would I play tennis? How would I write my novel How can we have great couple time etceter. So very, very rich things come out of that Yeah visual is just so striking, just kicking it out and letting everything spill out. Okay, and then the final one, Swedish family hotel The idea of Swedish familyam hotel is some parents in Europe have wonderful opportunities to raise their kids without doing it all alone They might live in a community where their child can walk to school where the daycare center is next door, where they have their separate family apartments, but there's a big common room where people share meals And there's a lot of parental leave And so in this kind of setup You're not driving kids ten miles to get today care So whatever direction we can go in for us all to raise kids together will make it a lot easier All right, this sounds wonderful. and South's pretty far away from the reality of how most parents live here in the US. Is the idea of this exercise to, know be more aware of what it means to be a parent? And like think about what kind of support they'd actually need to raise a family Well, know you read about how it's set up. and if you are one hundred percent child free, you would say, even with that, I would still not wantna have a child. And that that exercise really helps me realize I don't w tona be a parent. Whereas other people will say, Wow, if I could do this, I would definitely have a child, maybe two children And so it raises their awareness. Maybe they really have decided to be a parent, but they need to decide Y parenthood possible for me and for us with these circumstances So Take a pause I'm Maybe you about a few chairs And see what comes to the surface You might surprise yourself Then when we come back from the break, Mura will talk about some of the common fears that hold people back from choosing to have kids or be child free You're listening to Life Kid, and it's time for takeaway three For better or worse, the future holds no guarantees Only you can decide how much fear, discomfort, or uncertainty you can handle with the information you have to work A big one for a lot of people, for example, is climate change or, you know, the general state of the world and the planet. Merle says, even for her, this one is difficult. I'm scared too. You know, I'm used to being a professional who can sort of help people deal with their emotions. I can give them the intellectual framework, et cetera. But I don't know what our world is going be like you know in twenty years or thirty years or two hundred years. It's very confusing And the thing is With any worry say the pain of childbirth. or the fear of loneliness in old age if you're leaning child free because you can't know for certain how things will shake out. It really all comes down to perspective like with the environment. Merle says she's had clients who say, I just can't bring a child into this world. on the other side of the coin She cited this perspective from a book called The Beginning Comes afterfter the End. And the idea is just that there are so many different kinds of people around the world that are energized about wanting to make change right now ound to happen. Some people decide to be child free, say, I'm going to use my time that I would be putting into children to really work on environmental change. parents, you might think, o, if they're going to decide to have a child they're just going to put their head in the stand. But no, it's How do we raise our children so that they appreciate the planet and help solve the problem Another example Roll says, with the advent of TikTo And she's found our current generation is more terrified of childbirth than ever before Now If you look at maternal mortality rates or recent research on early prenatal care Maybe that's enough to ease your worry Maybe finding some relaxation techniques and a birthing team you really like could help even more Maybe not And there's nothing wrong with that We would never encourage anyone who is terrified of that to push themselves over the edge and say yes to parenthood And they deserve our respect. You know, we shouldn't say, oh, you're cowards becausecause you didn't go ahead. Everybody's needs and feelings are different and they have a right to say no parethood, even if in many ways I'd like to be a parent, they can make their own choice and we need to respect that . And on the other side, you never know what your child will go through. You never know what your child will be like. You never know the disposition of your child, you never know the ailments your child will have, or the hardships they'll go through Thoughts on that Well, what I hear when I'm listening to our own clients. is We want to be parents enough. that even though we hope this doesn't happen We still think It would be worth it Not everybody decides that but a lot of people do. One example I'll give is people who have grown up with a sibling who was very sick or had a disability Where a lot of the family resources, the parents attention, time, money went into the other child For understandable reasons, they are more terrified of having a child that might be very difficult to raise than a child that might suffer So for them to make the decision to have a child is much, much more difficult. so For people who are ambivalent about that, sometimes the best thing to do is to decide not to have a child Take away for The baby decision might not be as black and white All or nothing as you think it is So if you have a partner who seems to be on the opposite side of the spectrum, Don't panic Ballenge your assumptions. Get creative. lookook for the middle ground. Yes, there is middle ground here For example Maybe you would really love a family, but you're really worried about your finances Have you considered having just one child I mean, the question is usually, So, you gonna have kids Pural is assumed, right The first one's gotta have a buddy or else Why do you feel that way? Exactly? So there's the myth of the lonely only child, but actually only children are voted most popular in their class. They're very mentally healthy. They get along really well with other people. And they often enjoy, as their parents do, more undiluted relationship, especially if people haveith their parent has an illness or if they have ADHD or another cognive neur diverversion disorder, they may manage to have one child and have it work, that they're enjoying the child, the child's enjoying life, they're doing their work, they have their relationship. But if they add another child to the pile, it is just going to be impossible And a lot of times people are pressured, Oh, your child needs a sibling Absolutely not true So I believe that the O child family is an excellent solution for many couples and also single people who want the pleasure of a child but don't want to be overwhelmed by the obligation for many children Another big part of this is when two people want different things Very often the assumption is this is a zero sum game, right? Either yes, we're doing this, no, we're not. and if we can't decide, we have to break up Can we talk a little bit about what that process is, if that's true or not? Well, some people do break up and that can be the answer. So if you think of the decision as being a scale from zero to ten and eleven point scale And if you absolutely know that you would never have a child You would be the zero. This is no criticism of child free. It's because you want zero children. And if ten is I was put on the earth to have a child, then I will have to divorce my partner if they say no. Most people are somewhere in between So a lot of times people actually can find a solution that will work both of them. And again, we're looking at myths So sometimes people have very unrealistic ideas about How lonely being child free would be or how hard parenting is going to be and when I get more information. they're actually able to say, well, maybe this could work And so what's really important is that the couple listen to each other They describe what they are envisioning of the life. Wh they think their partner would enjoy it. And they really listen to their partner's desire And when they do that and they get more information about good things about child free, good things about parenting that they didn't know Sometimes they're able to come. to the center. So if one person wants to be child free and there four, And the other person wants a child, but they're an eight They have the capacity in listening to each other and figuring out what would be the best life for them as a couple. to decide to be child free or to have a child Let's get more specific about that. So for example, in that four and eight scenario, maybe that four person who's child free says, I'm leaning towards child free because I want to travel some more. You know, I've never seen Spain, I've never seen Asia. And the person says, I've always seen myself as a mother. What could a compromise look like there Okay, well one thing me discussed is, okay, name some countries you want to go to. Let's talk about how we could go to them and start a family in three years. Another compromise is I want three kids, you want zero If we really talk about this, could you imagine that one child might work? There are a lot of people who are ambivalent. They're aware of what they're giving up by even winning their choice and they're aware of things that they would enjoy with their partner's choice The one thing that I feel very strongly about is if someone is certain that they want to be child free They should never have a child to please their partner. That just does not work out whether it's going to be divorce or an unhappy family, it is just too much of a struggle If you're zero on that scale And you know it for sure You should never agree to have a child to please your partner. Exactly. A lot of times people will decide, I love my partner. I do not want to give my partner up, even though I would prefer the other life I see enough attractions to their life that I'm going to say yes And one thing that's really important if you are going to agree to your partner's choice is You need to know that they have bent over backwards to figure out a way that it could work like saying, you know, more years of travel or you know, I really need my You know, once a year with my college roommates going off for a week to backpack or or whatever and asking, what could I do to make this choice more attractive to you And that can be very useful too that a lot those couples that made an agreement when they first got together. You know, You said that you never wanted kids. You said that you always wanted to be a mother. Let's say you've been married for twenty years. you're forty and it was twenty when you said, off course, I'll be a parent, or of course I'll be child free People change. People have a right to change their minds And one can feel very betrayed And one can understand the betrayal partart of life and a part of all the people you love, not just your partner is understanding that they like you can have new needs New desires, new things they want to try or experience, and that what made perfect sense to them at twenty is different now Last step Takeway five You are allowed to change your mind And if necessary, your path and life might look like seeking a new relationship with a partner who shares your desire for a child free lifestyle. Or maybe becoming a parent without a partner Any advice for someone who is single, who's still on the fence about having kids? What kind of questions should someone who's looking to be a single parent by choice consider An important thing is having a support system. You don't want to do it all on your own. You know Who do you call in the middle of the night if you' try to decide whether to go to the hospital? Who's going to be patting your tummy when you're eight months pregnant? And one thing that's really interesting about single mothers by choice is we have a stereotype that single mothers are miserable. But if you have a happy life as an individual and you actively choose to add a baby to your life, again, you make an active decision. you're in control and it can be quite wonderful. Another thing that's really interesting about single motherhood is that When you're a single mother or a single father, everybody knows you need help They know you can't do it all So they'll offer to drive you to the grocery store or stay with your child while you do something else They know to reach out to you. So there's a lot of great things happening withith single people becoming parents Hm. It's been such a pleasure. Do you have any last advice, final thoughts for anyone out there who's sitting on the fence in a need of encouragement Well, I think one thing that's really important is that your right to not know. A lot of times when people start working on this, they're saying, what's the matter with me or with my partner that we don't know It's actually healthy to not know. because it gives you the chance to figure out what you really want. And if you think about curiosity, like, you know if you read a mystery and you found out who done it In the first chapter, you wouldn want to read the rest of the book or think about going to a play and the curtain hasn't opened yet and that anticipation and curiosity what's going to happen So a lot of interesting things can happen on the way to finding out that are really wonderful for your personal growth if you're in a relationship also for couple growth. and even if you're single, the conversations you have with partners or family members and close friends and so on can be really, really rich and wonderful Merle, thank you so much for your time. You're very welcome. It'such an honor to be here. I'm so glad we were able to have this conversation. All right, let's reca Tick one. Either side of this decision is going to come with the greads No perfect choice Just the right choice for you If you want the best of both worlds, remember thirty eight is great Takeway two. It's very normal to feel stuck about this decision. Marl says a lot of people she works with will only ever get to about eighty percent certainty about their choice Takeway three. Are you terrified at losing your identity Wried about growing old without a full family dinner table Worries are a natural part of the decision process. but remember, there are no guarantees. So seek out data, find role models to help you make an informed decision Takeway four Yes, you can compromise if one person in a relationship is leaning towards parenthood and the other is leaning towards child free Talk about it and keep talking about it to see where you might meet in the middle instead of jumping right to breaking up Takeaway five. You're allowed to change your mind and your path when necessary Raise a little one on your own. Be child free with a spouse. Make the choice that is right for you and only you. That was reporter Andy Takel And that's our show. Hey, by the way, if you love Lifekit and you want it to be even easier to listen to with curated playlists on popular life Kit topics like sleep and personal finances, sign up for Lifekit plus. You can find out more at plus. npr. org slash lifeifekit This episode of Lifekit was produced by Margaret Sereino. Our digital editor is Moica Gareib, and our visuals editor is CJ Rlon. Meghgan Kanaine is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Sylv Douglas Engineering support comes from Nisha Highness I'm Mararyel Segara Thanks for listening